#I struggle really hard with myself rn

[kirby-the-gorb]

#kirby #daily kirby #my art #digital #hal laboratory #nintendo #it was a hard day today. #sometimes you just gotta cry for an hour about requiring significant assistance to do basic stuff that you don't actually have help with rn! #(my wife is working 6 12s at a job we had to move across the country for) #(which means 1 she is *exhausted* at *all* times and struggling to even meet her own needs) #(and 2 our other partner and all our family and friends are. multiple days away by car. so they can't come help.) #it's getting hard to even stick leftovers in the microwave for myself but no one else is able to cook for me. #it sucks. #(we're moving again in june because this was a 1-year position from the beginning) #(and the idea is for our other partner to move in with us which will help a lot) #(plus my wife should be switching to a reliably 5-day week at that time) #(but we don't know where we're going for another month and a half.) #(so we can't really do any groundwork or anything to make that happen.) #(and having zero agency other than sitting and waiting and getting worse alone Really Sucks!) #I guess this is a bit of a secret part two to yesterday's meducation lol #favorites

[crybaby-bkg]

Arranged marriage AU with Barbarian Bakugou who is so daunting to be around at first. He’s all gruff curses and broad shoulders and scarred cheeks and neck and jaw. He scowls constantly, stares at you while your parents auction you off like some show pig, but doesn’t say much to you besides a grunt of his name. You’re terrified, thinking that he’ll be cruel to you, that you’re being set up for a life full of unhappiness and terror and regret.

But he’s the exact opposite. Bakugou is gentle in ways a man of his size typically wouldn’t be, but he shrinks himself for you. Not in a way that diminishes his status as the newly appointed king, but to respect you, show you that you’re beside him instead of behind him.

He picks you berries on his hunts because he knows the smell of a fresh kill brings nausea to your stomach. You find him along with the other maidens and helpers around his village, sitting beside them, big fingers holding tiny little flowers that he weaves into a crown for you. When he sets it on your head, he purses his lips, mutters something under his breath in his language that you’re still not too familiar with, but sure it means something along the lines of pretty and soft.

And when he finds you bathing in the river only few have access to, he’s sweet the whole time. Doesn’t make a spectacle of you being naked, and is relieved when you don’t instantly cower when he wades his way over to you. You try not to stare at the clawed scars that decorate his pec and jaw when he stands above you, and it helps when he suddenly dumps water all over your head. He shushes you when you splutter, continues on with cupping his hands and letting the water run off of your hair and down your shoulders, scrubbing at your skin until your flesh squeaks. He doesn’t expect you to do the same for him, but he hums in satisfaction when you push him down a little lower so you can wash the crown of his head.

#I don’t think I’ve ever actually written a full blown barbarian bkg fic which should be a crime #bc there are so many good ideas for it #but I’ve been struggling with writing creatively so I will put this idea as a full fic on the back burner for now lol #in the drafts for another 8 months! ☝🏻 #sorry I’m lying I’m about to write it rn aidsjdhdjf #anyway interaction has been so low and that doesn’t help with the low energy level when it comes to writing #I do it for myself but it’s a little sad when it feels like I’m talking to myself since I do that enough already lmfao #it’s the beginning of the semester tho so I GET IT bc I’m struggling to read too #this semester isn’t even all that hard but I’m so mentally checked out from school that everything is so much more complicated than need be #I just need a really long break to find myself #feels like I’ve been on go for a few months straight now #okay bye my stomach started cramping really bad which is a single to take my ass to bed lmfao #—new treat in the streets! 🍫 #bakugou treats! 🍬

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?

#this is a genuine question btw I need advice bc I'm STRUGGLING. idk why everything makes me frustrated and angry #when I'm around my parents and it's SO hard to be kind and respectful to them and my sister #but so easy literally everywhere else #I hate that I'm like this I wish I could genuinely be a nice person but apparently the person #I REALLY am is the horrible selfish lazy brat I am with my parents. #even though it feels 100% easier otherwise APPARENTLY the real me is the one I revert to at home #but being nice away from home comes so naturally?? so is THAT the real me??? idk what to do I'm so frustrated right now #Lu rambles #can my mutuals please weigh in bc I feel like a terrible horrible emotionally illiterate person rn #bc of a conversation in which I fought with my mom over the fact that I have a hard time respecting my middle school aged sister #bc I don't want her (bold. confident. sometimes a little bit of a brat as well bc humanity) thinking she can walk all over me #the way she acts always makes me feel like she thinks she's better than me but maybe it's just my mindset. bc I KNOW #that my middle schooler sister IS better than me in most ways and I HATE that. how can someone #so much younger than me be better than me at basically everything she sets her mind to? #and how can I ever have confidence in myself when I know that's the case??? it's so frustrating!! #ugghdnfnsngsmkgnskfnskd I need advice and prayers. and probably to go to bed early tonight.

[stiffyck]

Feeling kinda "burned out" on the hermitcraft fandom rn I think? Idk how else I'd describe it.

I barely have any energy or will to watch the videos besides scar and occasionally mumbo or gem even tho I love their videos and love hermitcraft. I also can't seem to find stuff in the fandom I'd like to see? Like there's cool fanart that I reblog but I feel like i don't see it enough. I'm gonna need to unfollow a bunch of people because my dash is barely anything hc related right now.

And it also feels like there's barely any people who enjoy the same headcanons as me and it's just tiring constantly trying to make everything myself I guess? Idk. I feel like if I liked more popular headcanons I'd have a more fun time in the fandom rn.

Like I'd love to be able to just go through a tag and see other people's ideas and similar headcanons to the ones I have but it feels like there's barely anything or I just can't find it for some reason.

Also the fact that a lot of the stuff I see is related to hermitshipping which I kinda lost interest in recently.

Idk I think I either need a break or I just need more people who share similar headcanons and are insane about scar to talk to

#i love being in the fandom but i feel like i have nothing to do in it right nkw? #ive been struggling a lot to draw lately #and i feel like im the only one really talking about the things i like (which obviously) but i kinda just want to not be creative sometimes #and just see what others have to say about similar stuff #which is hard because most scar stuff i see is either just hermitshipping or cool fanart #not complaining about either ofc its just that i wanna see more idk #i wanna see cool scar headcanons and i wanna see scar angst and everything without having to make it myself #idk maybe im being whiny about nothing #i just wanna see more people talking about scar basically lmao #stiff talk #delete later #im very tired rn and i dont knkw whay im talking about

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan #i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch #shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else #even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress #but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside #academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project #i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send #myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it #but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or #maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something #just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there #it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so #tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing #ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position #and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle #sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux #i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices #even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany. #and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it #unrelated

[glass-oranges]

Get real!!!!

#what if i #boy who struggled so hard with making it simple enough for me to comfortably recreate but also i love adding pointless things ill forget so #see how long it takes for me to completely forget to draw the second smaller pin on the jacket #heavy metal core who is definitely very much a core and not a turret thats just convinced everyone that they're a core nuh uh #one day ill think of more ways to making my turret android designs more distinct from cores bc rn they kinda got the Octoling treatment #which is technically different species but the differences in base appearance are actually pretty minor like its just the suckers and eyes #but im not gonna stress myself over it but its something ill get to whenever i feel like it #unfortunately i had a stomach ache so ended up sleeping until 4pm then getting to play games with my friend gave me motivation at 11 pm #i should really just write how my day was in a separate post bc i talk a whole lot <3 #heavy metal core #heavy metal core aperture tag #portal 2 #aperture tag

[roseworth]

the most important step of writing a paper is to go on tumblr and make posts complaining about how you have to write a paper

#the one i have to work on rn is literally only 4 pages. but i cant focus on it #i know i could just get this done tonight if i could force myself to work on it #the worst part is its not even hard. its about my chemical romance. #the problem is its for the only class i dont have an a in so this paper kinda makes or breaks my 4.0 this semester #SORRY im done complaining about my academic struggles i just really dont want to actually work on this #but we persevere 🫡

[runawaymun]

Me@depressed!me: no, “being manic would be so nice right now” is the mind killer “I miss how being manic feels” is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will l face my desire to be manic and temptation to intentionally trigger a manic state. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the desire has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain

#actually bipolar #struggling hard rn 😅 #I have to actively remind myself that it’s really no better

[woolydemon]

i am soooo good at getting emotional over children's media but not in a fandom way in like a. oh god i care about people so much way

#its shel silverstein this time kldfjhd #watched a good vid essay abt his work and going through the comments of the vid and oughh theyre getting me to tears actually #ive gotten this emotional abt dragon tales and fraggle rock before lol #idk man maybe im super sappy but i find myself so very touched by media made for kids that is made with a genuine care #whether its a desire to teach people how to deal with emotions. to “end wars” in fraggle rock's case iirc #or just having such a respect for kids to want them to have these profound messages that stick with them into adulthood #ogh. ogggh. maybe this is why im an education major lol #rando thoughtz #edit additions bc im thinking abt it now after i already hit post #silverstein's poem Whatif like. particularly hit me hard rn when i heard it now #bc im like. well not to divulge into in a public setting but ive been really struggling with anxiety lately #its been p fucking bad #and that poem was like. ah thats literally how its been for me so many times ive been left alone with my thoughts in my bed #and it was like that a lot as a kid too ngl. so it makes me a little sad that i dont think i ever read that one as a kid #or if i did i didnt remember it. but its here for me now and its. comforting to have what ive been going through be in text for kids

[ev1lmorty]

got out of class n realized a paper i thought was due tomorrow is due today. agony.

#and my animation first pass tomorrow.......... #i already started writing half of it i got time but ughghg #struggling w procrastination hardcore this semester its like really hard for me to get myself to do hw #hypergixation is BAD rn #but oh my teacher really liked my animation excerises ill share those ig #av.txt

[stabbylambchop]

Hey uh

anyone here on Art Fight this year or-

Cuz I'm on there, same name and everything. I'm on Team Vampires.

You can like, add me or whatever...I mean, if you want...

I haven't interacted with anyone on here or even really drawn in a couple months, sweet pulsating spider-christ ...

#I KNOW I KNOW I CAN JUST. DO THE THING. BUT I ALSO CAN'T. YKNOW???? #I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY MIND HAS BEEN I DON'T #I'M STILL STRUGGLING WITH HEALTH Y'ALL #and sometimes instead of bouncing back and forth from feeling stable enough to do things and absolute dog shit i just- #-'welp i guess I'll just not do anything! that'll solve all of my problems! I'll get better if i don't do things and just rest and space out #-'WOW I CAN JUST BE ISOLATED AND PATHETIC IN MY ROOM ALL DAY COOL' #like...I EVEN GOT MY PAIN MEDS BACK! AND I QUALIFIED FOR A HIGHER DOSE WHICH IS A MIRACLE BC THIS IS FLORIDA!! #but like. idk. #and it's not like i don't care at all!!! I've missed you guys like fuck!!!! i just feel like I'm so far behind and everyone is on another- #-plane of existence at this point! and the longer it goes the more guilty i feel coming back bc i feel ashamed and lazy... #but i know you guys don't give a shit about at all. and I'm sorry for assuming and being so hard on myself #but also my fandoms are all over the place rn so uh. I'm so sorry LOL #but seriously anyone on art fight?? i really need to get back drawing but it's daunting... #especially since my guess 2 or 3 years were kickass by the last 2 literally no one but my wife interacted with me #one friendly fire from my partner. in two fights. after putting HOURS OF EFFORT THRU CHRONIC PAIN AND ILLNESS into all of those pieces... #i know I didn't draw a fuckton but i just got so discouraged and sad after awhile. and some never even got any attackee comments. #it all felt so damn pointless #but I'm nothing if not a survivor #as Zapp Brannigan once said; 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised' #I'm a hot fuckin mess but even if i barely get any interaction at all again i can at least say i didn't give up- #and put in effort and love like always. no half-assing with art fight unless it's just me and my wife or a friend doin stupid friendly fires #BUT ANYWAY I STILL WANNA FUCK SLASHERS. IF ANYTHING THERE'S STILL THAT. IT'S STILL ME.

[genekies]

screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags

#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO #i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe #n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th #ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a #utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai #ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell #like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc #then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no #food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it #harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now. #the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats #fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS. #all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY #SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf #the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther #es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much. #i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the #bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and #no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh #it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression #i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat. #im so close to snapping on them at this point #i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT #everything has gone to shit #vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.

[izzy-b-hands]

Brain says wamt write, but I open writing program and words go away

what fuck

#text post #full disclosure i struggled so hard to fall asleep last night i wound up sleeping on my floor post T shot #bc i couldn't convince myself I'd earned a shower (i took it just recently after waking up instead tho) or to lay in my bed #and all i want is to get any of the ideas I've been having down on the page concretely #or to finish one of my drafts and post it #or to get the stuff I've only posted here up on my ao3 too #however i work later today and rn my body hurts and my brain is once again on the kick of 'lets think abt all ur traumas at once' #so i fear i am not going to be as productive as i want #if i get thru my shifts and can help Housemate get some dinner squared away I'll call it a win for today #i feel like I'm keeping the bar too low for myself but whenever i put it higher i wind up not meeting it one hundred percent #and then i just feel terrible so. idk. im trying. once again. day in day out #really just wanna go hide in the midwifery charge au but alas i cannot merge myself into a fictional universe #but maybe tomorrow i can get some writing done for it

[effervescent-fool]

.

#really negative vent ahead so Read At Your Own Risk. im being very insufferable rn #spiraling so hard. cant tell u why though #ive genuinely ruined every last one of my relationships #not but doing anything in particular. but thats the problem #*by #im not Doing Anything #im so uninteresting?? #like im barely even a person #i dont feel real. no one gains anything from being around me #every time i force myself back into reality im reminded of how fleeting it all is #so i spend all my time in my own mind #and thus let all of my relationships collect dust #i keep telling myself that i can be better that ill be there for people in the morning but i never am #and no one else is living the way i am. i have no excuse for not answering texts #every interaction feels like a burden. i dont want to live like this but i dont see any way out #im not living im just surviving. its day to day. and i dont know how to support others when im struggling to even keep myself alive rn #im fine. this is fine 🙂

[poppyseed799]

Brother why are there so many roaches we have had TWO full exterminations and BOTH TIMES the roaches came back. The first time there were less of them for a week (still some) but the second time there was absolutely zero difference in the number of roaches even immediately after the extermination. Like man. What am I supposed to do about this

#they’re in all the appliances dawg how am I supposed to cook 😭 #and my sister is just like ‘just move out!!!’ brother WHERE #she is actually moving out on the shortest notice imaginable cuz she can’t deal with the roaches #going to our ex step fathers house cuz she already planned to move in there with her partner #but now she’s going there early cuz of the roaches #and like okay sure but WE can’t move in there. and yet she’s like ‘find a new place!’ brother we renewed the lease #and also do you know how the world works nowadays you can’t move anywhere it’s always more expensive 😭 #we’re like frogs in boiling water #I jumped ahead with that metaphor but I’m too lazy to backtrack to explain how I got there #anyways yknow the roach guys said the infestation was REALLY bad and they wanted to do a follow up #but idk when that follow up is cuz it’s been a month since the extermination and there has been 0 difference. as soon as we came back to the #apartment there were still roaches on the walls #like man what am I supposed to do they’re everywhere and it would be so hard to move out 😭 #vent #<- figure I’ll add that cuz like. that’s what this is. my life is just not great rn. constantly hungry too cuz we struggle with groceries #and I’m too scared to make myself some food cuz of the obscene amount of roaches. there was a roach in the dinner last night. then my mom #invited us to dinner at her place and refused to get us dinner. #said she wanted to hang out and didn’t talk to me so wtf #it’s just not going well. I posted happily about how I got those gifts but honestly I can’t even enjoy them because there’s too many roaches #like I don’t know where to put things so that roaches don’t get them. there’s no safe space.

[cas-backwards-tie]

Can I just say I hate feeling this way? The way I felt this morning and tonight. I used to be the super positive, fun, funny, outgoing girl everyone liked and now I feel like such a loner that gets brushed over.

#I know it’s just my school and the time period but #reflecting on things I realize #more parts of boarding school I miss #I know I’m really struggling rn #but I don’t want to die #I want to live #I want so much for myself #I just feel like I’m having such a hard time bc #for the most part I feel alone