#I spent a week bracing myself for heartbreak but we went a bit too far in the other direction | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

imagine-loki · 5 years

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Memories

TITLE: Memories

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: One-shot

AUTHOR: breemaggs

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Loki is hit with spell that makes him forget everything that happened after his pre-coronation chat with Thor. He is horrified to discover that Asgard doesn’t exist, his parents are dead and his brother gives him cold shoulder convinced that it’s all some trick. Loki learns he is in relationship with you, and surrender by people that keep him in contempt for something that he doesn’t remember doing, he latches on it. Since you are only one willing to help him, he plans to keep you together for his future self. (Click to read the full imagine!)

RATING: M

NOTES/WARNINGS: Rated for language. Enjoy!

My life was an utter disaster. If I didn’t develop an ulcer from the stress, I would be amazed. A week ago, everything was fine. And then a training accident had destroyed any semblance of peace there might have been.

But I guess if my life was a disaster, Loki’s was complete hell. He had been the victim of the training accident. He’d been experimenting with God only knows what and he’d managed to blast himself back against the wall. When he’d come to, I had been relieved. But that relief soon gave way to panic when I realized that he didn’t recognize me. He didn’t remember me at all.

It kind of felt like a movie. The dashing leading man ends up with amnesia, remembering nothing about his leading lady or the years they’d spent together. Sort of. I wasn’t exactly his leading lady. I mean, we were involved, but we weren’t. To put it bluntly, we were fuck buddies.

And now he remembered none of it. But wait, it gets worse. The last thing he remembers? Chatting with Thor prior to the coronation. That was years ago. Way before all the bad blood between him and his brother. And all of that bad blood made Thor think that this whole thing was just an elaborate trick (okay, somewhat fair, Loki is the God of Mischief).

So guess who had to try and explain things to him? That’s right. Me. I had to tell him that his parents were dead. I had to tell him that Asgard had been destroyed. The look of absolute devastation on his face broke my heart. And definitely put a huge hole in Thor’s theory. You couldn’t fake that kind of heartbreak.

I held him while he tried to cope with everything he’d learned. I’d fought my tears as I watched him shed his own. It hadn’t been easy. But, believe it or not, that’s not what made my life a sudden disaster.

That honor belonged to Tony Stark, who I was currently not speaking to.

Loki had been trying to get more answers than I had given him because, admittedly, I had been treating him with kid gloves. Part of it was self preservation; I had been in love with him for so long and I just couldn’t stand to be the one to continue hurting him.

So, Tony being Tony, had told him to, “go ask your girlfriend.” The best part? Tony knew we weren’t dating. That motherfucker had to put his nose in everyone’s business. That confrontation had been exceedingly ugly and it had taken more than one silence ward to keep it private.

“What the actual fuck?! You do realize that he will more than likely regain his memories, right? Why would you tell him that?”

He rolled his eyes. “Please. I’m doing you a favor. All you do is mope around after him. Now he’s yours!”

I narrowed my eyes at him, forcing my hands to stay still at my sides. I wanted nothing more to throw couple of curses at him, but bit my tongue on the incantations.

“Fuck you. You didn’t do this for me, you did it for you. You just want to see the show.”

I hadn’t waited for a reply. I had walked away before I lost what little control I’d still had.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. Loki had been so happy when he’d found out that we were “dating” that I hadn’t had the heart to tell him the truth. Cue my disaster. And ulcer inducing stress. Apparently, I was the only person who had had a kind word for him since his accident.

Over the last few days, I’d been trying really hard not to think about what this arrangement was going to do to me emotionally. But I knew. It was going to devastate me. And I guess part of that was my fault; when we’d started fucking, I’d assured him that I could compartmentalize and keep things purely physical. It hadn’t hurt anyone before now and I’d been dealing with it for the most part. But now...

I was fairly certain that Loki had been messing around with memory and confusion charms based on the books I’d found in the training room. Most memory charms were temporary. If they couldn’t be manually reversed (I’d tried, whatever he’d done, he’d done it well; they weren’t budging), they usually wore off after a little while. How long depended on the strength of the charm and the will of the caster. Since it had already been a week, I was thinking it was probably going to take at least a month before his memories started to return.

And then I would be fucked.

I wouldn’t be able to hide my feelings or make excuses. Not after this. Not after the good night kisses, the cuddling, the whispered endearments, and that fucking L-word that kept creeping into our conversation. I wouldn’t be able to handle going back to what we had before.

Before, I had been content with the sex and the occasional snuggle in between our marathon sex sessions. Now that I had all of his affection and attention, I wouldn’t be content anymore. Not when I knew how good it felt to be loved by him.

And that wasn’t even taking Loki’s reaction to the whole thing into consideration. I groaned and dropped my head to the table in front of me. Fuck, what was he even going to say? Something witty, sarcastic, and scathing, I was sure. Something that would most likely tear me apart from the inside out.

I took a deep breath and blinked away tears. I lifted my head and shut my eyes. I heard the bathroom door open and I forced a smile onto my face. Loki entered the kitchen and gave me a smile that hurt my heart.

My mental breakdown would have to wait.

xoxoxo xoxoxo

A month went by and there was no indication that Loki’s memory was coming back. I was well and truly baffled. I spent every spare moment I had pouring over everything I could dig up on memory charms. But I couldn’t find anything that I didn’t already know. It was frustrating. Because with every day that passed, it became harder and harder to remember that this wasn’t real. That Loki didn’t actually love me.

It was so unfair. It was what I wanted more than anything, but it wasn’t real. I tried not to get wrapped up in it, but it was so, so hard. More than a few times I found myself hugging him a little too long, kissing him a little too fiercely, and telling him that I loved him with more fervor than I should.

And at night, when he would turn to find me in his sleep, I would cry as quietly as I could. I was already breaking. I had no idea what I was going to do when he remembered that he didn’t love me. I’d probably have to go into hiding... Maybe I could become a reclusive hermit and move to the mountains.

I gave a quiet, watery laugh and braced my hands on the sink. Loki was sleeping. I had just shelved the two newest charms textbooks I’d gotten. They hadn’t given me anything new to work with. I probably should have gone to bed hours ago, but my heart was protesting. I didn’t want to crawl into bed with him. The longer I let the charade go on, the worse it would be. My heart was already feeling the strain.

A tear splashed down onto my hand and I swiped an angry hand across my eyes, stubbornly trying to hold the flood back. But it had been too long. I’d been shoving the reality of the situation aside for too long and it was crashing down on me. I slammed a fist against the sink in frustration.

“Fuck,” I muttered as I finally just gave in.

I conceded. It wouldn’t help the situation, but maybe I would feel better if I just got it out. I probably needed to talk about it, but the person that I usually went to for advice was sound asleep. And he wouldn’t be able to help this time. Not when he was the cause of all my pain. God, that sounded awful.

A sob broke free and I slapped my hands over my mouth in horror. I sank to the floor and tipped my head back against the cupboard doors, trying to keep myself from becoming hysterical. It was a futile effort. I sucked in a harsh breath against my palm, aware that I was making it more difficult for myself to breathe, but not caring. It was better than waking Loki up with noisy sobs that I wouldn’t be able to explain.

I clenched my eyes shut and tried to think calming thoughts, but I was too far gone at this point. I was just going to have to ride it out. I began rocking back and forth, even if it was just a couple of inches, needing an outlet for all of my nervous energy. I slowly eased the pressure of my hands to help with my breathing, but it didn’t really help.

I swallowed hard, trying to slow my breathing. I was going to make myself sick if I didn’t calm down. I was halfway through a breathing exercise that was absolutely not helping, when I heard footsteps.

The tears I’d been trying so hard to slow, seemed to stop as my entire body paused to listen. I prayed he was just going to the bathroom. There was no way I’d be able to explain what was happening right now. Not without dropping some major truth bombs that I was in no way ready to drop. My heart started racing in my chest and I pushed a fist into my mouth to smother the cry that wanted to escape at the thought of getting caught.

Seconds stretched into minutes without any further sound and I thought that, maybe, I was in the clear. Just when my heart rate had fallen back to something akin to normal, I saw him. He was creeping around the corner, watching me. My eyes flooded again and I thought I was going to throw up with how suddenly my stomach dropped.

Catching my eyes and realizing that he’d been spotted, he came into the kitchen fully. I carefully yanked my hand out of my mouth and bit my bottom lip instead, fully aware of how terrible I must look. It was a stark contrast the the handsome picture he made, hair messed from sleep, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, and leaning against the door frame. It made me want to sob again.

Neither of us said anything for what seemed like a long time. The clock ticking was loud in my ears; almost as loud as my uneven breathing. We just stared at each other across the kitchen. And then he moved, breaking the monotony. He stopped in front of me and crouched down. I slid my eyes away from him, not ready for this conversation. I felt him sit down next to me, but I still didn’t look at him. I jumped when his hands slipped around me and hauled me into his lap.

I licked my lips, wishing my stomach would stop doing somersaults. He pushed my messy hair away from my face and then tilted my head towards his. I refused to lift my eyes, throwing all of my concentration onto the dust that had gathered under the cupboards. His hand fell away from my face and I heard him sigh. He tugged me further into his embrace and held my head against his shoulder.

“Cry,” he quietly commanded.

I blinked in surprise and tried to pull away from him. His arms were like a vice around me, though, and I didn’t get very far. I took a shaky breath and found myself following his instructions. He’d already seen me a broken mess. What could more crying hurt? My eyes had never truly dried anyway.

So he held me while I cried, running one hand up and down my back while the other massaged my scalp. Every few seconds, he would press a few gentle kisses against my hairline. I cried for him. I cried for me. I cried for what we were, what we had become, and what we would become. I cried for a long time, but he didn’t complain or rush me. He just let me work through it.

When my breathing evened out and my eyes were swollen and puffy, he loosened his hold just a hair, just enough to let me know that I was going to have to face his questions. I swallowed and licked my lips for the umpteenth time. His hand stilled on my back and the hand in my hair changed angles, using the leverage to tilt my face towards him.

He kissed me and I wanted to cry all over again. It was soft, sweet, and heartbreakingly perfect. I felt a tear leak out and I broke the kiss. I couldn’t do it anymore. Not when I knew that time was ticking down.

“I think,” he said, “that I have some things to confess.”

His words confused me and I finally brought my eyes up to his. He sighed and started rubbing his fingers along my scalp once more.

“What-“ My voice, harsh for crying, cracked. I winced. “What do you mean?”

He sighed again. “I’ve mislead you, my love.”

I ignored the twinge of pain his endearment caused. I waited for him to continue. I could practically see him working out the wording. His eyes were clear and filled with... I couldn’t tell. I’d always had a difficult time reading him. He was like a puzzle. I could spend hours trying to put the pieces together in the proper order.

“Just tell me,” I murmured.

“I regained my memories about two weeks ago.”

My stomach, that had just started to calm down, took another dive before starting back up with its gymnastics again. I thought for sure I was going to throw up this time. I whimpered and tried to escape his hold. Fight or flight kicked in and I didn’t have the energy to fight. He tightened his arms around me and shushed me softly.

This was it. This was the end. It wasn’t how I expected it to go down and, honestly, this was worse. I couldn’t handle pity and I was sure that was what was coming. I clawed at his shoulders, still desperate to get away.

“Wait. Let me explain.” His words did nothing to calm me down.

“No,” I wailed. “Let me go. I can’t-“ To my horror, a fresh sob broke free from my throat.

“Yes,” he argued firmly. “Listen to me.”

His words were quiet, but I could hear the demand in them. I wouldn’t be going anywhere until he said his piece. I bit down on my lip hard enough to make it bleed and tried to breathe around the panic.

“I didn’t know how to tell you. This,” he gestured between us, “was what I had always wanted. And...” He paused, considering his words. “I didn’t want it to end.”

I didn’t know what to say. Part of me thought he was fucking with me, but... Loki was many things, but he wasn’t intentionally cruel. I tried to wrap my brain around what he was trying to tell me.

“I’m in love with you. But... I told you that what we had wasn’t emotional and then...” He sighed and smiled sadly. “I broke my own rules.”

I sobbed again. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. This emotional roller coaster was finally pulling into the station.

“You asshole,” I choked out. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I wasn’t sure you felt the same.”

I pounded a fist against his chest. “You’re the only fucking person who didn’t know that I was in love with you!”

He laughed and I hit him again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to pressure you or make you uncomfortable.”

My anger was short lived. I was too relieved to stay mad at him. I was still having difficulty processing it all. Loki was in love with me. I wasn’t going to lose him. I got to keep him. And he loved me.

“I’m not dreaming?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No. This is very real, I assure you.”

My shoulders sagged as I suddenly realized how tense I was. I let my body loosen up and sink against my lover. My love. I brought my arms up around his neck and looked into his bright eyes. If I had any doubts about his words, his eyes erased them. They were clear and readable for the first time since we’d started this complicated dance of ours. The love shining in them was evident.

I smiled and leaned forward, kissing him. I guess it was all going to be okay, after all.

#Angst #Imagine #Loki #God of Mischief #Lover #Submitted one shot #submission #memories #breemaggs

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