#I physically cannot tell how sad any part is because I am 100% looking forward to writing the drama of specific scenes

[thewickling]

winding moonrise - trouble

winding moonrise master post

[Context: Set before thirteen years in their last year of college.]

Lan Wangji's cheer shocks his shufu and xiong.

One imagines Lan Wangji's smile like a crack in a sheet of ice. A fractureline that is so faint one would barely notice it. That to call it lips upturned would be an exaggeration. Many of his pack believe this.

Yet it sweeps across him like sunlight touching the first growth of spring through melting snow. Touching his fold his arms to his head, he thanks Lan Qiren. His voice rings determined and sincere.

Lan Qiren hates iron for not becoming steel. He loaths that nephew has be dug up by a pig. He still thinks 'Wei Ying is a bane' on his spotless teaching career. A part of him grimaces at the thought that they could have met younger. Not a single cell of his rejoices in his decision, yet Lan Wangji's soft joyous expression gives him pause.

Dragged by the neck, Lan Qiren's xiong announces in his ear, "I've met her, my moon."

His xiong's arms trembled with the emotions that he can't contain. His timbre turned to lilts as he described her. He sang with elation.

The memory sharply contrasts the devastation and bowed head when he breathlessly voiced that she's killed their shifu. The resolution and sobriety with which he declared their marriage still sends Lan Qiren's blood boiling. Whatever hesitation catches him is annihilated.

An acridic taste invades his sense with its unwanted familiarity. Between the moon-blessed, fate does not promise happiness. He curses the moon for guiding his nephew to... He does not have a word for the various ways in which he disproves of Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji finally straightens as if the weight of his gratitude held him in place. He shifts and turns to bow to Lan Xichen. He repeats his thanks.

Lan Xichen ponders the last time he saw this sight. He bites his lip, recalling his di grinning on his mother's lap. It clashes with Lan Wangji's kneeling figure outside her detached house. That tiny voice inquiring is engraved in his heart: "Has she returned?"

He lowers his head.

Lan Wangji keeps his earnest posture. He acts from the pack manners carved in his bones. Inwardly, he races through the woods, howling.

His bowed figure burns into Lan Qiren's irises. Only tradition keeps him from looking away. He does not deserve or want his cherished nephew's heartfelt gradtitude. He questions if his xiong's ghost pried his begrudging consent from his throat.

Lan Wangji pleaded his case every day until he was prohibited. Then, he dug up half-forgotten traditions so that he could petition once each fornight. The numbers soared over a hundred times.

Some of their clan believed Lan Wangji's preseverance wore down Lan Qiren's ivory tower. Others suspected that Lan Xichen, who had this point inherited his duties in all but name, had said he would approve, giving the most esteemed elder of theirs no choice but to accept unless he wanted to be the first to come into conflict with the head of pack's first formal decree. Many of the Lans shared these thoughts but these were never spoken as gossip is barred.

The approval is both shocking and unsurprising. After all, a wolf meeting their moon is auspicious. It is the thing of legends. It is a blessing from the moon herself. In all of Lan's history, a moon-blessed pairing is only delayed never denied.

The elders ready red-envelopes. The more excitable ones quietly pass on suggestions. Celebration is in the air.

The atmospheric change flis over Lan Wangji's head. One of the Twin Jades of the Lan is not careless but a glance tells everyone his mind holds than any action he currently does. His daily practice croons sweeter. His manners contain extra consideration. His steps glide with excitment.

Considering the possible location and time and environment for the thousandth time, Lan Wangji thinks, Wei Ying wouldn't care.

Even if he shared his secret in the worst of conditions, but he cannot imagine that Wei Wuxian is unkind even is worst of moods, he trusts that if Wei Wuxian does not return his affections (not that Wei Wuxian has any obligation to return it, though with every breath of his life he hopes his moon will shine on him) that his secret is as safe with his moon is it is with him. Wei Wuxian might not care, but Lan Wangji does. He wants it to be perfect.

Perfection is a fool's errand.

What a better cause to be a fool than love?

Lan Qiren taught him restraint. Every lesson cautioned aganist giving in to unbridled emotion. That such a careless action is a threat him and the pack.

Lan Wangji read Confucian, stuided Daoism, and reflected on the eight-fold path. He knows the boundary. He does not expect his affections to be returned.

He also isn't bitter for how long it took to gain his pack's consent. It allowed him to grow close to Wei Wuxian. He recalls his thoughts when he first saw his moon: He looks like trouble.

The thought swelled when Wei Wuxian's scent first hit him: He smells like trouble.

A gust sweeping across a lake. A clarity and freshness that purified the sterile and musky scent of dorms. Yet rather than calming it triggered every alarm in his body.

His limbs locked in place. His heart thumped like it wanted to punch through his chest. His lungs released all their air.

Never had he felt more helpless. His eyes traced Wei Wuxian's figure. He engraved the mirthful, smiling, and handsome teen in his heart. Landing on the glass bottle in Wei Wuxian's hands, the conduct etched in his bones took over.

Grabbing Wei Wuxian's wrist, he stated, "Alcohol is banned in the dorms."

"Ge," Wei Wuxian said, wide-eyed.

His brown eyes were so bright that Lan Wangji wonders if he is sick. What else could explain why he wants to both flee that from that warming gaze and also never move again.

"Are you serious?" he laughs.

Now even his ears are overwhelmed. The timbre and tone is frustrating unfamiliar yet it comes straight of his memory. His fingers tightened to hold himself upright.

"Mnn."

"It's move in day! One of my cousins snuck into my luggage." He bowed coyly as he pleaded, "Look it isn't even open. I'll toss it out right now. You can even come with me! Ge, nobody has to know but us. It can be are little secret."

Those brown eyes peered up with him so... For the first time he understood why people wanted to melt chocolate on their tongue. Never had he been more frustrated. Principles are not principles if they bend for a breeze. He shook his head. "Rules are rules."

And Wei Wuxian literally disarmed him.

He is my moon? Lan Wangji thought, correcting stance. His reflexes honed even as his mind was in chaos. Restraining the other student again, his heart confirmed, He is trouble.

Between thoughts of the first place they met and the other firsts Wei Wuxian took, Lan Wangji considers, It was best that I waited.

It gave him time to accept his own feelings.

He settles on the park. Wei Wuxian is so clever. From the very first year, Wei Wuxian ensnared him in debate. What started as an argument carried them through the campus park in provoking discussion. He captured Lan Wangji over and over and over until it became habit long after the park stopped being a converging point between their classes for them to drift toward the park every time they crossed paths. Certainly they will continue this tradition until graduation. He wants every time they tread that path after to remind him of this confession.

The day of he presses palms tightly into his pants. His bag feels strangely heavy with Wei Wuxian's favorite spicy snack. In the crowd of students shuttling from class to class, the two fall into step as if it was explained beyond a message to meet that neither listed a place or time.

"Lan Zhan! You would never believe what Wen..."

He doesn't ignore Wei Wuxian. How could he when sun shines so enticely on Wei Wuxian's skin, bringing out warm notes that make his teeth itch and inspire him to lean down... He swallows. He counts down the steps it'd take for them to reach the groove, their favorite spot.

Ten.

Wei Wuxian's words form a piece that he never wants to stop hearing.

Nine.

His shoulders brush Lan Wangji's. The heat soaks into his skin.

Eight.

Wei Wuxian's heart stutters.

S-

The world jitters. Wei Wuxian leaps behind him. His heart gallops in his chest like a skittish horse. His fingers dig into Lan Wangji's arm.

Wei Wuxian is a handful of centimeters taller than him and they share familiar figures but with all of his ability Wei Wuxian hides behind Lan Wangji. He shifts and teeters as if noticing every exposed milimeter with dread.

All of Lan Wangji's reflexes kick in. Heat surges through his veins alongside adrenaline. The urge to shift slams him. Scanning the horizon, he analyzes, What threatened his moon?

Wei Wuxian is so brave after all. During the joint hike between their majors, he lead half of the group to leap off a waterfall. His smiled all the way down.

He assesses trees, open grass, and distant figures only to eliminate them.

"Lan Zhan! Dog!"

Lan Wangji's blood thickens, wondering how he could have missed a danger like an aggressive hound.

His attention lands on medium-sized dog, bounding toward them. A leash trails behind it, emphasizing its wagging tail.

"Save me." Wei Wuxian whispers, breathless with panic.

Confusion flushes his mind. Harsh reality chills his blood. Wei Wuxian is terrified of dogs.

He vocalizes a threat that humans' can't hear and adds a 'shoo' for safe measure.

It races off.

"Wei Ying. It's gone. You're safe." The sun shines on them but Lan Wangji might as well be in Yanluo for how freezing he is.

"Thank you! Lan Zhan!" Wei Wuxian steps out, patting Lan Wangji's shoulder. His mouth moves nervously, "My hero."

"You're the best. Dogs are the worst!" he speaks for the sake of speaking. Wei Wuxian knows it's irrational but even the smallest of dogs punches his flight reflex. When he thinks of dogs, he recalls the time one nearly took a chunk out of his face but on a level he denies their bark brings up the howl of grimey and arctic streets, their teeth of the bite of constant hunger and uncaring hands, their claws of scraped palms and hands emptied of the little food or comfort gained... "They're so scary with their teeth and claws."

Lan Wangji's blood stops. If dogs turn Wei Wuxian's scent into a tumultuous wave of polluted sewer water, what would a wolf do? For the first time, his heritage bears down on him like the curse it once was.

"Thanks for not laughing. I know it's silly but dogs and I are not met for each other or my name isn't Wei. Jiang Cheng loves them but I can't..."

"You're welcome," he says as much out of reflex as self-preservation. He is certain he is going into shock. But he can't let Wei Wuxian be mistaken. "You don't have to thank me."

"What?" Wei Wuxian quirks his head,

"You don't have to thank me or apologize." Lan Wangji's surprised he can speak but Wei Wuxian is distressed. His moon can't be under the delusion he would not sacrifice nearly everything to defend him. Or that he would want nothing more than soothe his moon even as he's certain his heart stops. "It's fine."

"Right? Why did you want to meet?" Rubbing his neck, he inquires, "Other than to show off how much of a perfect gentleman you are, anyway."

"Nothing important." He answers, reaching into his bag. He hands over the snack. His actions are stiff and heavy.

"You are the best! Did an admirer sneak it in your bag?" Wei Wuxian chatters, used to filling the space between them. Strangely, the silence is nearly unnerving, but he chalks it up to Lan Wangji processing his phobia. He spins noise into aimless words so that Lan Wangji knows that this had not changed their friendship. If anything, it is a relief for Lan Wangji to know and accept it.

Lan Wangji drinks in it, but realizes with startling clarity that the sound is just as sweet as a few minutes ago. Wei Wuxian hasn't changed. He has. That the sound he considered an upbeat, love ballad now sounds like a lamentation on lost.

After all his heart is gone, he gave it to Wei Wuxian long ago, but his moon will never shine on him.

Another epiphany strikes hims him like a lightning tribulation. That he is shouldn't be a jade of his pack. After all Lan Qiren cautioned him from birth and raised him to restrain his emotions.

He was blind to his hubris. I don't have any expectations?

The version of him that died minutes ago was truly a fool. He did not meditate enough. His understanding of principle of Confucian, the Dao, or the Buddha barely skimmed the surface.

Did he not hope or pray or wish that Wei Wuxian would love him?

No.

He wanted it like air. Now he suffocates. His throat constricts. His unwarranted expectations choke up there.

A hollow exists where his heart should be. In a utopia, Wei Wuxian would have placed his heart in Lan Wangji's care. He cannot take back his heart nor does he want to. The moon may not bless people once but he has made his choice. His love where it is rightfully where it belongs. Love is no obligation.

The fault lays in his shallow cultivation. He swore to never impose their fated-bond on Wei Wuxian. That much he barely managed. He intends to keep that oath. For the rest of his days, he will mind his position. He will hope for the honor of remaining Wei Wuxian's friend. He has to.

Wei Wuxian can't discover this. That he has fiercesome teeth. That his claws are more menacing than a dog's. That he is the kind of being that his moon despises.

He dare not exist then.

The Lan juniors being adorable part has been linked incase you need to recover from the above.

#Winding Moonrise #MDZS #Wangxian #Medium Sads #(I asked two people based on the last three lines how sad it was and averaged the result) #This is the longest part I have written #wick writes #I was going to write LWJ lamenting to the moon but that ending is just chef's kiss levels of dramatic #I physically cannot tell how sad any part is because I am 100% looking forward to writing the drama of specific scenes

[karliahs]

It’s been months since he was this close to anyone. It might have even been Jon the last time, too; helping him walk down in the tunnels. How did they get from there to here? How-

“Tim?” Jon asks softly, pulling back to look him in the face, and it’s the loss of that warmth and pressure that makes Tim realise he’s started breathing in great, shuddering gasps. He screws his eyes shut and Jon reverses their positions, pulling Tim into his chest with unpracticed but fervent hands. His T-shirt is soft against Tim’s face; he hadn’t thought Jon would own anything so soft.

Tim’s throat is burning, but as long as he keeps his eyes screwed shut then he isn’t crying. He isn’t crying on Jonathan Sims the night before they both-

“It’s alright, Tim,” Jon says, searching for words of comfort he only half believes himself. “It’s - whatever happens tomorrow, it can’t - we’re safe here.”

Tim laughs bitterly. “Nothing’s fucking safe.”

Jon seems unable to decide between rubbing soothingly at his back and just holding on as tight as he can. Tim shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be giving into this. But there's a reason he lost so much time when he should have been searching for the thing that killed his brother. The Institute was full of potential answers, but it was also full of bright, lovely distractions. He's buried in the arms of one of them.

Tim didn't used to think of that as weakness - but he didn't used to think there were worms that burrowed through your flesh, or creatures that took every true memory of your friend without you ever noticing, or monsters that played with skin, played with the fabric of who you were, because it was fun.

Tim doesn't know fucking anything, and maybe he never did, and now all that's left is to-

"What can I do, Tim?" Jon asks, and he sounds so honestly lost.

"Turn back time," Tim murmurs into his shirt. "Don't let go," he adds a moment later.

“I won’t, I won’t.” Jon clutches him impossibly closer. Tim’s world narrows down into warmth and pressure. “Tim, we don’t - we don’t have to do this. You don’t have to do this.”

The gentle vibration of his words is almost enough to distract Tim from the words themselves. He turns his head so he can speak un-muffled, and immediately misses the comfort of being closed in. “I do, Jon. I can’t…” Tim fumbles for the right words, wondering faintly if this is how Jon feels all the time, struggling to give voice to the unspeakable. “The worst thing in all of this, the worst thing would be if they hurt someone again while I’m just standing there."

Still not crying, not as long as his eyes are tight shut. He feels Jon hesitate, then push forward anyway. "Even if...Tim, even if you had moved, what could you have done?"

Tim squeezes hard at Jon's side and isn't sure if he means it as a warning or a plea.

"I'd never have met you," Jon says, so soft Tim isn't sure if he was meant to hear it.

"Was just thinking before,” Tim replies, because he’s fucked up enough that he might as well keep going, “I wish I'd met you somewhere normal."

Jon’s hands still, and for a moment the rise and fall of his chest does too. It’s the closest thing to absolution Tim’s ever offered. He’s glad he can’t see Jon’s face, can’t see whatever shock or gratitude is playing out there. At some point, he made himself into someone who no one expects to be kind. He wonders, vaguely, whether it counts as forgiveness, to want someone to spend what might be their last night on earth forgiven.

from: enemy of my enemy, aka jon and tim sit in various rooms and talk: the fic

thank you for asking!!! here we go:

It’s been months since he was this close to anyone. It might have even been Jon the last time, too; helping him walk down in the tunnels. How did they get from there to here? How-

do you ever just think about how fast things went wrong for the s1 crew...they were friends just a few months ago!! a few weeks in between no current supernatural experiences -> trying to survive supernatural experiences together by physically holding each other up -> complete alienation. some experiences just defy comprehension, emotionally speaking, even when you can see every step that led from there to here

i also like to make myself sad by thinking about the practical day to day aspects of everyone in the archives being alienated from everyone else. like...when were either of them last touched (non-violently)

so much has changed but they've circled back around to each other

“Tim?” Jon asks softly, pulling back to look him in the face, and it’s the loss of that warmth and pressure that makes Tim realise he’s started breathing in great, shuddering gasps. He screws his eyes shut and Jon reverses their positions, pulling Tim into his chest with unpracticed but fervent hands. His T-shirt is soft against Tim’s face; he hadn’t thought Jon would own anything so soft.

'person starts crying without noticing until someone points it out' is a trope i generally try to stay away from partly because i just can't imagine that ever happening to me and therefore it doesn't ping my realism senses, but i get one (1) because it is undeniably juicy

this fic is very zeroed in on tim's perspective in terms of small sensory experiences, for a few reasons - drive home emotions, portray dissociation, and because i like writing about how it actually feels to be in a romantic gesture, to make it more real than just like...an image of people holding each other

small detail that jives with bigger points - jon's shirt unexpectedly soft, jon's surprising ability to still provide him with gentleness and comfort

i think jon here has no idea what to do but has been given permission to touch so is living his best tactile life with this inexpert hugging and is hoping that does something

Tim’s throat is burning, but as long as he keeps his eyes screwed shut then he isn’t crying. He isn’t crying on Jonathan Sims the night before they both-

“It’s alright, Tim,” Jon says, searching for words of comfort he only half believes himself. “It’s - whatever happens tomorrow, it can’t - we’re safe here.”

Tim laughs bitterly. “Nothing’s fucking safe.”

tim spends a lot of this fic having his inner-monologue cut off to try and show as well as tell that he's struggling to stay present

that 'both-' hurts me, honestly. hurts more than it actually being spelled out, i think. write to upset yourself, maybe you will upset others in the process

half is a word i absolutely overuse in writing but cannot stop. no one ever does something all the way, they are half- believing, wondering, worrying, etc.

i'm never 100% sure if i'm accurately capturing the way that jon speaks in canon but i did always like and want to emulate the fact that he speaks kind of hesitantly, trips over his own words, etc

Jon seems unable to decide between rubbing soothingly at his back and just holding on as tight as he can. Tim shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be giving into this. But there's a reason he lost so much time when he should have been searching for the thing that killed his brother. The Institute was full of potential answers, but it was also full of bright, lovely distractions. He's buried in the arms of one of them.

Tim didn't used to think of that as weakness - but he didn't used to think there were worms that burrowed through your flesh, or creatures that took every true memory of your friend without you ever noticing, or monsters that played with skin, played with the fabric of who you were, because it was fun.

again, jon does not know what to do so he is just trying. just trying to do any kind of soothing hand thing

i thought quite a lot about reconciling the seemingly happy-go-lucky tim that gets presented to us early on vs learning why he came to the institute in the first place. tim here is framing that as a failing because he's miserable and traumatised and guilt-ridden, but i think at least part of it was actual healing. he was taking time and enjoying the people around him and trying to make the best of things, until it all went wrong

related, the self-recrimination of tim hating himself for not having seen any of this coming, even though they were not predictable events...very human nature after you have been through something terrible. how dare i have not anticipated every trouble that ever befell me

'played with skin, played with the fabric of who you were' - a lot of this story was me just enjoying the themes of stranger-horror. i love the terror of knowing there are creatures who can change aspects of you that should be unchangeable, physically in skin and otherwise in terms of identity and memory. love applying that to jon and tim, who have been fundamentally changed against their will by trauma and their roles in a story neither of them wanted. skin as metaphor for identity, and learning that people can take away your skin is then utterly terrifying to someone who already feels like his identity is being forcibly eroded. and then that shared terror brings them back together, just a little

Tim doesn't know fucking anything, and maybe he never did, and now all that's left is to-

"What can I do, Tim?" Jon asks, and he sounds so honestly lost.

"Turn back time," Tim murmurs into his shirt. "Don't let go," he adds a moment later.

this fic...is so sad. why did i write this. why am i being attacked by my past self and their awful words on this day

explicit admission that tim wants/needs jon here...even a chapter ago he was like yeah i'm going to america with jon bc i am regrettably relying on him as my reality-anchor, nothing emotional here

“I won’t, I won’t.” Jon clutches him impossibly closer. Tim’s world narrows down into warmth and pressure. “Tim, we don’t - we don’t have to do this. You don’t have to do this.”

The gentle vibration of his words is almost enough to distract Tim from the words themselves. He turns his head so he can speak un-muffled, and immediately misses the comfort of being closed in. “I do, Jon. I can’t…” Tim fumbles for the right words, wondering faintly if this is how Jon feels all the time, struggling to give voice to the unspeakable. “The worst thing in all of this, the worst thing would be if they hurt someone again while I’m just standing there."  

Still not crying, not as long as his eyes are tight shut. He feels Jon hesitate, then push forward anyway. "Even if...Tim, even if you had moved, what could you have done?"

Tim squeezes hard at Jon's side and isn't sure if he means it as a warning or a plea.

warmth, pressure, vibration...continuing to be fascinated by the little tactile details of what it feels like to be close to someone

emotional logic is so powerful. tim moving most likely would have either made no difference to the outcome or worsened it (because both him and danny would have died) but of course for tim standing still while someone he loves was destroyed counts for everything about who he is. sometimes blame feels better than helplessness, which mirrors what happens with his friendship with jon - is it scarier if they are all helpless, or if this one guy is The Enemy

‘give voice to the unspeakable’ sometimes i like poetic descriptions of jon’s role as archivist

"I'd never have met you," Jon says, so soft Tim isn't sure if he was meant to hear it.

"Was just thinking before,” Tim replies, because he’s fucked up enough that he might as well keep going, “I wish I'd met you somewhere normal."

Jon’s hands still, and for a moment the rise and fall of his chest does too. It’s the closest thing to absolution Tim’s ever offered. He’s glad he can’t see Jon’s face, can’t see whatever shock or gratitude is playing out there. At some point, he made himself into someone who no one expects to be kind. He wonders, vaguely, whether it counts as forgiveness, to want someone to spend what might be their last night on earth forgiven.

:(

tim views talking with and connecting to people as fucking up. how much of that is even slightly shrouded in logic and how much is just - tim is depressed and deep in self-loathing, somewhere still at the core of him tim loves people and making connections, so of course doing the thing he wants to do is wrong

‘At some point, he made himself into someone who no one expects to be kind.’ tim has this thought once and then worries at it like a sore tooth because his default state is hopeless fury with himself, with everyone. i also think this demonstrates how new information/realisations often can’t help you out of a bad mental state on its own, because it’s all too easy to slot it into your existing thought patterns. pushing everyone away was making tim worse - he starts to feel like that was a mistake, but it just becomes more self-recrimination

forgiveness is one of those words that seems to encompass so many different concepts that i find it hard to know exactly what it’s meant by saying you forgive someone. specifying what’s meant by this little shard of maybe-forgiveness makes it mean more, at least to me

may i reiterate: :(

#jontim #asks #give-me-a-minute-to-think #talking #tma / #long post #ps to the other person who sent me an ask for this meme: thank you!!! it'll be friday probs before i can answer

[spaztique]

Pill Overdosed - An Essay On the Devolution of the Incel Community, From a Recovered “Love Shy.”

This was inspired by plunging down the rabbitholes of the incel community, the manosphere, and everywhere in-between.

Not long before writing this, there was a mass shooting incident in Plymouth, Devon. The shooter was a self-identified involuntary celibate, or incel for short: somebody who struggles with social skills to the point where they suffer depression from the fact they cannot develop a relationship to the point of romance. You’d think that merely not having the skills to attain a romance wouldn’t be much of an excuse to go postal, or maybe think he was an isolated case, but sadly, this isn’t: there was yet another mass murder not long prior at a sorority at UC Santa Barbara. Same motivation, same background. What gives?

I think I have a little authortiy to speak on the subject because, as I’ve said in my prior self-help writings, I also grew up without social skills. The only difference, of course, is I trained like crazy to fix that. Prior to 2010, I was a self-identified “love shy”: the pro-incel, back when the community was all about self-improvement and learning social skills to escape. After tons of hard work, I eventually got my first girlfriend in college, albeit we weren’t a very good match, seperated after it was clear we couldn’t work out, became a serial dater, and quietly graduated from the “love shy” label in 2011. I only bring this up now because, as I’ve noticed, things have changed a LOT in ten years.

Without diving deep into the histories of these concepts, there are three basic ideologies the modern incel falls into. Shorthand, they are known as the bluepill philosophy, the redpill philosophy, and the blackpill philosophy. They exist on a continuum, and the further you go down the spectrum, the more insane and nihilistic it becomes, eventually descending into despair, rage, misogyny, conspiracy thinking, and finding homicide and self-destruction.

The Bluepill Incel - The “Nice Guy”

Ah, the “nice guy.” The classic dogged friend-to-everyone who believes if they’re simply nice enough, he’ll eventually find love (and of course, sex). He’s too shy to voice his intentions, too pure to even hint at anything sexual (unless he’s in private with pornographic materials), and his primary love language is favors and gifts. This is your vanilla garden-variety incel, and he’ll need a couple heartbreaks and losing his crushes to more direct, forward men (known infamously as being “friend-zoned”) before he either wakes up to reality, or descend deeper down the spiral.

The basic nice guy merely has trouble with boundaries, self-disclosure, and empathy: the basic skills of building and deepening relationships. Favors and kind acts are the only way he knows to gain peoples favor: especially with women. He’s terrified of rejection and fears the maintenance part of relationships: getting into disagreements and making up, because he thinks he won’t get a second chance. Low self-esteem plagues the nice guy, and his biggest belief is that a relationship, especially a physical relationship, will solve his problems.

Hoo boy, he cannot be any more wrong.

Bhuddist teacher and psychologist Tara Brach coined this obsession “the trance of unworthiness”: where we believe our lack of something (in this case, a relationship) means we are unworthy, worthless, flawed, different from others. Incels use their single status to beat themselves up daily, not realizing this is the “trance of unworthiness” in action. Not having a relationship is a catalyst for this trance: they see the relationship and physical touch as the ultimate sign of acceptance, of being worthy, of being part of the human race and not “rejected.” Perhaps this is another reason they fear rejection: it reinforces the trance of unworthiness they wish to escape through physical contact.

It’s a misnomer to believe the nice guy is “entitled” to sex. This isn’t true: they simply believe they did everything they could to deepen the relationship, and it should’ve happened as naturally as if they had, say, flirted, voiced their intent, escalate the relationship, deepen their emotional intimacy, and so on. From their perspective, they’re not thinking, “I did all this stuff for you, so I DEMAND you sleep with me!,” but rather, “I did all these things for you and showered you in gifts and attention, so why don’t you love me as much as I love you?! What else am I supposed to do?!” But everything the nice guy does is surface-level, transactional, unemotional from a relationship standpoint. Sure, it can build friendships (albeit shallow friendships which resemble partnerships more than best buds), but not romance. Maybe we shouldn’t call it the “friend zone” and more the “you-didn’t-even-bother-building-the-relationship-correctly zone.”

Besides, it’s not the sex that incels want: it’s the validation. As I said before, physical intimacy is the ultimate form of acceptance, of escaping the trance of unworthiness, and the more physical, the more loving, the more closer, the more “points” it earns. If a hug is worth 10 points, and a kiss is worth 100, and a cuddle is 500, then sex is like 10,000+. But why not just pay an escort or “go solo”? To them, that’s cheating. To an incel, having to pay somebody to like you isn’t unconditional: that’s maybe worth 5 points, or maybe even negative points. Of course, sex is a cooperative activity, not a validation sink. Nothing will wake you up from this reality faster than that awkward conversation after your first few times of, “So, um… How was it?”

Where does this come from? Some blame romance movies and their grand romantic gestures, others blame love songs, and others blame just society’s sentimental view of romance. I’m sure if I mention flowers (especially roses), chocolate, plush bears, bubble baths, candlelit dinners, or slow dancing, you think romance. The images and ideas are burred into our collective unconscious. We’re bombarded with all of these images telling us three things: this is what love looks like, love is the ultimate cure for loneliness and sadness, and if you don’t want this, there’s something wrong with you. But the thing about the artistic representation of love is that it only depicts the end product, or at least the fantasy of somebody wanting us and loving us unconditionally. Perhaps the popularity of the Japanese archetypes of the tsundere come from the struggles of building a relationship, while the yandere shows us how creepy it is when somebody wants us way, waaay more than we want them back.

Either way, it paints an unrealistic portrait of how romance works.

Just as you can’t learn driving from action movie chase scenes, or sex from hardcore pornography, or how to become an Olympic-level runner playing Sonic, the simplified artistic portrayals of love and romance do not provide adequate education for how to interact with people. Actual relationships run on a model of probing (first contact, asking surface-level questions), deepening (asking and revealing more personal things mutually), and maintenence (handling misunderstandings, rebuilding familiarity, or even breaking off the relationship if there can be no reconciliation). Another popular modern concept is breaking down communications into different “love languages”: gifts and favors are only two, but there are also words of affirmation and reassurance, touch, and time together. This is the boring work of building everyone relationship from a friendship to a romance, but it is the basic skill incels ignore until they receive enough pain when they normal methods fail.

And with that, they begin searching for answers…

The Redpill Incel - The Modern Incel, Between Two Choices…

In The Matrix, Neo is given the choice between taking a blue pill to stay in his safe little world as an office drone, or take the red pill, disconnect from The Matrix, and realize the horrifying truth: the world is enslaved by machines, and he’s going to join a resistance to save humanity.

In the early 2010s, the idea of the red pill vs. blue pill was to describe the choice between the idealized romantic world I described above for the nice guy incel, and the cold hard facts about dating: that dating is a skill, and you need confidence, influence, leadership skills, a decent wardrobe, and good self-maintenance skills to increase your odds of success. Even in the mid 2000s, this spawned the pickup artist community, which are really just social skills gurus who market common-sense advice to single men.

However, something changed in the mid 2010s…

Eventually, the redpill ideology morphed into this idea that women, despite having their own corner of dating advice and entire magazines for how to attract men, secretly control not just dating, but society as a whole, and feminism has utterly wrecked dating. This corner has other bizarre, frankly misogynist ideas about how women operate, and some go even further as to saying all dating is rigged towards women and men should just avoid it all together. They also posit that women, by their nature, cannot be involuntary celibates, even though it was a woman who coined the original term. (And I also find it kinda funny how supposed “men’s rights” activists unironically use the term “red pill,” despite being coined by two writers who later came out as trans women.)

Obviously, this creates a problem for the modern incel: in their moment of pain, they’re desperately searching for answers, and they’ll latch onto the first source of hope they can find. Now, I got lucky: we didn’t have “men’s rights” folks in power back when I was searching for answers. We didn’t have those weird-ass theories, and those who did were laughed out of the community. (Neil Strauss even documents this in his book The Game, where he talks about some of the more questionable gurus trying and failing to get a foothold.) But these days? Imagine an incel in a moment of weakness, and they suddenly come across a post saying, “It’s not you! It’s feminism! Feminism is the reason you can’t find love! And love means validation, so therefore, feminism is the reason you can’t find validation!” Suddenly, there’s hope: the incel thinks if he can “game the system,” he’ll get that coveted physical contact, and with it, the validation he yearns for. But all this does is add another catalyst for his trance of unworthiness: lack of love AND feminism make him feel like his life is nothing but pain.

Now, let me put on my own Morpheus glasses and leather trenchcoat and ask you: what if I were to tell you there were three pills? A blue pill, a red pill, and a black pill? You take the blue pill, your journey to discover how relationships work ends: you wake up in your bed and you can believe whatever you want to believe about romance. You take the red pill, and you’ll see how far the rabbit hole goes…

… but if you take the black pill, you’ll wake up somewhere far worse.

A world of infinite loneliness, where what you want is forever out of your reach, in a world that sees you as a mistake. Where arbitrary rules apply to you that apply to nobody else. Where there is no hope for those who enter.

Why would anybody choose this pill?

I offer you one blue pill, and two red pills. One is the true red pill, and the other is the black pill.

Back in my day, there was only one red pill. Now, there are two, and one is poisoned.

Now, just as Morpheus showed Neo the desolate Desert of the Real, let me show the Desert of the Loveless…

The Black Pill - The Radical Extremist Incels

First, the incel starts as a “nice guy”: naive, but still relatively hopeful.

Then, after realizing their ways don’t work, they are given two choices:

One path leads to a life of self-improvement, hard study of social skills, practice, and eventually escape…

… but the other leads here. Abandon all hope, ye who enter.

The black pill ideology has given up on self-improvement, with the motto “it’s over,” any any notion of hope is considered “blue pill propaganda.” After years of being told, “Just go to the gym!,” “Just groom better!,” “Just get a good job and better education,” and so on, but NOT being told the most basic social skills, they’ve decided all of that just doesn’t work and it must be something else.

According to black pill incels…

Women are only interested in “Chads”: men who are a 8-10 out of 10 on the looks scale and blessed with perfect genetics and no personality. Any evidence to the contrary will be explained away. (Is the guy ugly? Then he must have money. No money? Then he must have status. No status? Then she must be cheating. Not cheating? Well, this example must be made up because it’s probably not true.)

Genes determine everything: if you were born any shorter than 6”0, you’re screwed. Women apparently only prefer white men (despite, y’know, other cultures and countries existing), and if you were born anything other than white, you’re screwed. (And if you somehow “ascend” inceldome? Then you are a fakecel: you were never truly an incel in the first place, because true incels are permanent.)

Feminism has destroyed modern dating and only a return traditional values like some kinda Handmaid’s Tale-esque patriarchal dystopia will solve everything. Because they see sex as the ultimate fuel for validation, sex needs to be considered a human right equal to food and water. Expect plenty of talk of sex slaves, lowering the age of consent, and sex robots.

Despite accusing everyone else who disagrees with them of “coping from cold, hard facts,” their misogyny and bizarre ideas are the ultimate coping mechanism: they’ve effectively shut themselves off from anyone who disagrees with them, and they stew in their anger with fellow blackpill incels in an echo chamber of despair and self-loathing, celebrating when women (or as they derisively call them, femoids) face hardships or when there’s a mass killing of any kind. If this seems like an exaggeration, I’d welcome you to look for yourself, if I wasn’t scared some normal incel would fall prey to their toxic influence.

These are the incels that give the poor unfortunate socially awkward incels a bad name. It’s why people fear “nice guys” may turn out to be future serial killers. If you wanna know why people want to label incels as a whole as a “hate group,” despite being a subset of only the most extreme ones, it’s because of these folks right here.

So, what now?

What’s an involuntary celibate to do? None of the options are good: continue being a “nice guy,” or look for advice elsewhere, even though there’s a 50/50 chance you could get suckered in to the extremists?

To put on my Morpheus glasses again, what if I were to tell you there’s a fourth choice? To take none of the pills?

Being a “nice guy” who does everything for others in hopes of earning friendship or romance doesn’t work.

Relying solely on hard science may be informative, but when you rely on that alone with no heart, still only shooting for validation, that doesn’t work either.

And obviously, giving up and isolating yourself with other angry virgins doesn’t work, either.

What if the solution was simpler? Waaay simpler?

It all boils down to such basic things:

Self-validation: learning to not rely on external things like love or physical connection as your own means to escape the “trance of unworthiness.” Everyone who’s walked this path says that once you realize that sex isn’t everything, you’ve truly escaped inceldome: then it simply becomes something that’s nice to have, like going to an amusement park or eating a deluxe sundae.

Basic communication and relationship skills: You can learn a lot more from looking up social penetration theory and the stages of a relationship than reading about facial ratios and social darwinism. Read the most basic guides on empathy and how to start conversations, then work into books on how intimacy works (you’ll notice an overlap with social penetration theory.)

Learn to network. Just as friends can get you jobs, they can also hook you up with fellow singles. Join groups, talk to co-workers (and no, you don’t have to date co-workers, I mean they can find people outside of work), get a hobby. Once you learn the above two skills, get out there and build connections until you find someone who can find someone.

Notice how I didn’t say “go to the gym” or “just be confident” or “take a shower.” I’ve seen plenty of incels do all three and have no luck, and I’ve seen guys without confidence get equally unconfident girlfriends, as well as guys who are unhealthy and never bathe. These are non-factors: self-validation, social skills, and networking is all you need.

Of course, there are still lessons from both the blue pill and red pill (which some folks call the purple pill philosophy): you need the romantic creativity and heart of the blue pill, but the hard skills and pragmatism of the red pill. And you need everything to overcome the dark side that is the black pill, the shadow we avoid where infinite horrors lurk within.

Coming back to the incident that sparked this post, there have been some modern incels who were jarred by the recent killings. Some are starting to question what happened to the incel community, just as I have. How did it devolve from folks wondering how to escape their loneliness, into the hellhole of conspiracy theories and hatred it has become now? Perhaps this may be the beginning of the incel community returning to its roots, where the romantically impaired seeked advice that actually worked, rather than wallow in self-pity and cheer on mankind’s destruction. As an old recovered “love shy,” I pray others find the same path I and many others like me had walked, and avoid the one that leads to self-destruction others have stumbled upon.

With this post, I’m making my vow to do my part to make sure more people avoid this terrible fate and find happiness, whether they pursue love or not.

[el-trotamundos]

Returning to Canada after Melbourne’s strict lockdown has been a shock (and not in the right way)

In mid-October I returned to Canada having spent the better part of 2020 under not one, but two lockdowns of increasing severity in Melbourne. Better acquainted with the four walls of my bedroom than the four corners of the vast Australian continent, my working holiday year had certainly not gone as planned. I’ve been back nearly 7 weeks but it still hasn’t quite sunk in. This house, this city is not where I grew up and they hold no more than holiday memories for me. In limbo, I can’t go back to where I was and yet I’m not sure how to move forward. I am frustrated and sad that the opportunity to live and travel in Australia just evaporated. I feel in some ways like I was never there, that it will go down in my life story as the ‘missing year’.

As the first wave of coronavirus swept the globe, I chose to stay in Melbourne. I’d only just arrived a few months previous and Australia seemed to have a better plan than Canada. The government closed its borders and sent all returning citizens into supervised mandatory quarantine at hotels. Community transmission - to the extent that it even existed - was quickly nipped in the bud and in May only a handful of cases were being reported each day. Things started reopening and although I had lost my job in March, I felt confident I had made the right decision in staying and would be able to find another. Australia, like New Zealand, was a rare success story. 

That sense of pride didn’t last long. In June case numbers in Melbourne started to creep upwards. News articles started appearing about breaches at the hotel quarantine sites which allowed the virus to gain a foothold in the community. The return to the restrictions of the first lockdown were gradual - targeting postcodes (mine included) with the highest number of cases. At the beginning of July, the rest of the state joined us. New cases were 100+ and climbing every day but a far cry from the numbers Canada was experiencing and deeming acceptable. But this time the lockdown didn’t work. In August, as case numbers hit the high of 700+ a day, the government implemented its strictest measures yet. There was a night time curfew. Only 1 hour of outdoor exercise per day was permitted and you had to be alone or with members of your immediate household only. Masks were mandatory even if you were just out to walk the dog and you couldn’t be further than 5km away from your home. Rules were enforced with large fines and police and Australian Defence Force personnel patrolled parks and other areas where people might try to gather. 

Draconian? Authoritarian? Critics and Twitter bots certainly thought so: the Premier was often referred to as ‘Dictator Dan’. I do not dispute that the economic and mental health cost of Melbourne’s lockdowns was enormous. But it was the only way Victoria could get to the zero or single digit cases that the rest of Australia was enjoying.

Victoria has gone 31 days without a single new COVID case. In contrast, British Columbia announced a record breaking 911 positive cases on 26 November. It’s been incredibly tough to see Instagram stories from friends in Melbourne: they are going to bars, the beach, meeting new people, planning Christmas vacations. Of course we can do all this too in Canada, with limits depending on where you live, but it comes with a COVID risk that does not exist in Australia. 

Coming back to BC’s fairly relaxed guidelines was terrifying. Any relief I felt over leaving the nearly 4 month lockdown was quickly replaced by anger and disbelief at how complacent provinces were as they stared a second wave in the face (I exclude the Atlantic bubble here). With cases in BC climbing to the same level that precipitated Melbourne’s harshest restrictions, I found myself wishing to be under those rules again.

It’s not ridiculous to look at Australia for guidance on how to deal with this second wave. The state of Victoria and the province of BC have comparable populations of 6.6 million and 5.1 million respectively. Both Australia and Canada have similar systems of government in which the premiers have much of the control over how they handle the pandemic response. Just like we are seeing in Vancouver and surrounding cities, the majority of sustained community transmission was in the greater Melbourne metropolitan area. What is different is the path that was chosen when the pandemic started. Australia, like New Zealand, aimed for elimination, even eradication of COVID-19. Canada was content to merely suppress it at levels that would not overwhelm hospitals. That choice may have worked the first time but it’s certainly not now.

“New modelling from the Public Health Agency of Canada (PHAC) shows the number of COVID-19 cases could reach 60,000 a day by the end of December if Canadians increase their current level of contact with other people. That number could be limited to 20,000 a day if Canadians maintain their current number of personal contacts, according to PHAC. But to drive that number under 10,000 cases a day by the end of the year, Canadians would need to limit their interactions to essential activities while maintaining physical distancing and adhering to other public health guidelines.” CBC 20 November 

The fact that we should just accept 20,000 cases a day with our current levels of restrictions is mind-boggling. Even 10,000 cases a day scares me. Much of what I take issue with in the following is BC specific but it goes for any province not doing enough to curb this second wave (cough, Alberta, cough).

When I returned I was shocked to discover that BC did not have a provincial mandatory mask mandate unlike many others. The official line was that the spread was mostly from social gatherings and masks wouldn’t be worn in those situations anyway. To this I yelled ‘then put more limits on gatherings” at the TV. On 19 November masks became mandatory in public indoor spaces. Even as she made the announcement, Dr. Bonnie Henry seemed to brush it off as something the government was only implementing to appease the growing public call for legislation; other than that, there was still no reason for it. Furthermore, the mask mandate does not apply to schools. Again the government maintained the position that there was not enough transmission in schools to warrant it. So now BC is in this ridiculous situation where a parent has to wear a mask in the grocery store for half an hour while their kid sits in a poorly ventilated building for 7 without one. With contradictory messaging like that it’s no wonder people don’t take it seriously. Wearing a mask is relatively low cost high reward but it must be enforced in all indoor public settings.

The other thing that seemed crazy to me was people eating in restaurants, going to the gym, and attending large weddings and funerals. Those events had not been allowed in Melbourne for months. A few weeks after I arrived the government talked a lot about sticking to your ‘safe six people bubble’. But it was never made clear that a bubble is only as strong as its weakest link and would never be completely COVID free. With people still going to restaurants, the gym, and cinemas, the chances of someone bringing COVID into your bubble only increased as cases numbers did. Now we’ve finally been told to socialize with our immediate households only, but we can still troop out to the bar or go to a gym (although high intensity activities like spin classes are no longer permitted). 

What could help monitor these social interactions is the federal COVID Alert app. Yet the BC government has consistently declined to activate it stating that it will hinder current contract tracing efforts and confuse people who receive alerts that they may have been exposed. Adopting the app will never replace track and trace investigations by human beings but it can complement it. Dr. Henry has admitted that the rising case numbers are causing delays in contact tracking. If the alert can tell me I’ve been potentially exposed before a public health official can, I’ll take it. It’s the same principle with mask wearing - it will never completely prevent you from picking up COVID but it sure helps your chances.

I want my normal life back as much as anyone but that is simply not possible. Leaving one lockdown for another is not my idea of fun but 7 weeks of being back in Canada has demonstrated that this country is only putting off the inevitable. Even after 9 months of this pandemic, the federal and many provincial governments would rather use words like ‘encourage’ or ‘recommend’ rather than ‘mandatory’. They put out confusing or contradictory information and then scold people for not following it. The longer we wait to enforce stricter rules, the harder it will be to flatten the curve, let alone force it downwards. It’s only the end of November; we have another four to five months of cold weather keeping us indoors to get through. I shudder to think at what our case numbers will be in January after the holidays.

The news of three promising vaccines provides cause for celebration but we should not resist implementing further restrictions simply because some people *may* start receiving the jab next spring. It will take time before it gets to the general population - our medical professionals and the vulnerable rightly need it first. We will still have to wear masks, limit gatherings, and socially distance as those around us slowly start receiving the vaccine. Yes that means throughout 2021 for Canadians, especially if we cannot get a handle on cases this winter. 

I can offer these thoughts only as someone who experienced an actual lockdown (make no mistake, Canada’s version is ‘lockdown-lite’). I won’t bother advocating for the harshest of Melbourne’s restrictions because the government isn’t willing or prepared to invest the manpower it will take to enforce such rules. But surely some watered down version could be implemented. At some point public health must take priority. You can’t have a thriving economy when your workforce is sick, isolating, or dead. As the Victorian government reminded me daily this year: ‘staying apart keeps us together’. 

#lockdowndiaries #coronavirus #covidcanada #covidbc #bcpoli #acanadiannolongerdownunder #melbourne #covidzero #wearamask

[metaverseproductions]

Apocalypse Mind Share

Hello everyone out there! I am back! I know, it has been years and much has happened since. You’re probably curious as to what happened, in a way, me too. Sometimes writing things out helps us remember where we have been in order to know where we are going.

First of all, I came out of my cave for the first time because we are living in extraordinary times. A global pandemic with the COVID19 virus that is killing thousands of people, potentially millions within a few months if it cannot be controlled (as it seem to be the case). 

My mind drifts back to those days at Singularity University and Ray Kurzweil talking about the Singularity timeline, the 2045 Initiative starting soon after with their infamous “Open Letter to the United Nations”. I can’t believe the Dalai Lama jumped on-board, but more importantly, Ray signed it under his new role of Director of Engineering for Google! I was not surprised to see Google’s historical data of company acquisitions (one per week) starting 2012. It was epic to see Google give birth to Alphabet, acquiring and creating the tools it needed to build the Singularity. Yet it was still missing the magic sauce, the 5G network and DWave to make computational astrophysics a seamless integration of information spaces. 

There was also the underlying concern of the acquisition of Boston Dynamics and their military dog robots, which created an eerie sense of Terminator meets an apocalyptic future of hunting down “chipped” humans. Boston Dynamics has since been sold by Alphabet, and humanoid A.I. robots like Sophia were created, showcased around the world like a weird circus freak show, and then decommissioned because of their lack of empathy. Go figure, their vision of the future does not include humans.

Fast forward to mid 2012, I tore my achilles tendon which ended my days of glory in the tech world. At that point I was told that my blog was quite popular with Google employees, which came as a total shock because I thought no one read my blog. I had been writing and posting for myself, perhaps as a means to track my own personal leyend and remind myself of what I have achieved and accomplished in the times when I felt down, sad, depressed or like I hadn’t achieved anything with life. No I am not damaged goods, have never been on meds, but I have experienced (like most) challenges, gender discrimination, trauma stemming from being raped...but this writing is not about that, there will be other posts to address those topics at a later date. 

What this IS about is that long journey out of the hole I ended up in, 8 months to completely heal from the injury and be able to walk normally again. Being bed-ridden for weeks, then a wheelchair for months until I could handle crutches with excruciating pain. Trust me, anyone would feel like giving up during such a slow recovery. At the time we were living far from the city and my husband had to go to work, which meant I was alone most of the day and in bed unable to move. Amazing to see so many people on social media complaining about their “Self isolation” during the COVID19 pandemic, they have it easy compared to what I went through. Nevertheless, time went by and I came to realize I had to stop spending my day on social media trying to save what was left of my business contacts and network. No one was going to hire me anytime soon in a world that required hitting the ground running every day, travel, presentations, summits, face to face meetings, and physical production to stay relevant with the people that truly matter. The tech world sold the idea of remote work through telepresence, holographic displays, tele-conferencing, etc., but the reality was that it was not massively adopted or utilized for part-time or full-time distance-employment.

What I did manage to do during these hard times was vow to learn something new every day. So I went on an exploration of YouTube videos and open source tools, which taught be how to edit videos, create websites, get started on bitcoin and blockchain foundations, and then learn to use multiple audio and visualization platforms for Transmedia. I then took a deep dive into multiplayer gaming, and not just as an Avatar-user roaming the virtual creations of others, but as a builder of simulations. By the time I was done with my healing journey, my Avatar had gained more notoriety than my real life persona. I was co-producing virtual art experiences, like a concert inside of a Volcano, gallery openings and plays and then live-streaming to the real world. My Avatar was making virtual money as my real self was on unemployment.

Eventually, my family felt sorry for me so they hired me to manage the company finances. My parents and grandmother had been to the hospital within weeks of each other, so I felt the need to contribute and help out with their legacy as well. It was a decent exchange, for about a year, but as the saying goes “it’s not a good idea to do business with family”. I had completely given up my dream and was now living a reality of something that wasn’t my passion, only to realize I had dug myself in a deeper hole. I should have left sooner, but my sense of responsibility and “ I got this” blurred the way back to my life in Tech. Eventually when I did leave, it was hard to find work as most employers were not open to the value of being employed by the family business where I had a posh position that paid well. 

“Why did you leave”, is all I kept being asked.

What was I supposed to answer? Tell the truth about wanting to stand on my own two feet, not have to go into meetings where people kissed my ass because I was the daughter of the owners of the company. The employees did not value the work that I did or felt I deserved the title or position, and they were right. I could have been a hypocrite and ride that nepotism until the fat lady sings, but it is not right or optimal for the better good of the company.

I would opt to answer the “why did you leave” question with the general answer of  “I wanted to move toward a better opportunity”. Unfortunately most of the hiring managers I encountered didn’t consider their company or work as “a better opportunity”. It reminded me of the time at Burning Man in 2007 when I worked as a lead coordinator of Entheon Village, worked all week during the worst dust storms and winds, only to leave at night on break to “see the city” and “find the cool things to do” and have everyone I met tell me they were going to Entheon. Surely there must be other options.

Flash forward, I obviously had to recreate myself, start from zero and build from the ground up. It was no easy task! I had to swallow my pride and understand that if I had achieved great things before, I could do it again. 

Eventually I ended up going back to my roots of what inspired me about the Future in the first place. Guess where I landed? I closed my eyes and found myself in front of Ray Kurzweil again, talking about the Singularity and challenging us to positively impact 1 billion people in the next 10 years. I opened my eyes, looked at the calendar, how much time did I have to make that happen? Approximately 1 year and 8 months. Was I in a position to go for it? Yes, I had managed to get my foot in the door at a Fortune 300 that provides global food supply to over 100 countries. So what did I do? I applied to Harvard (HBS) and pitched the most batshit crazy personal statement imaginable, mentioned the goal of positively impacting 1 billion people by May 2021, and added the cherry on top of the cake by mentioning a disruption in 2020 that could potentially disrupt humanity, permanently. 

The result was an acceptance letter into the Harvard Business Analytics with Artificial Intelligence program AND a partial scholarship, the VP of Analytics for the Fortune 300 I work for agreeing to supply me with company data to build my case scenarios, Ethics and Compliance agreeing to back me legally with NDA’s to Harvard (after making me sign on the dotted line about “Safeguarding Company Information”). One month after this happened, the Coronavirus hit Wuhan, then spread to China, then became a global pandemic. Prophetic timing? 

I have some ideas about the Future, post-pandemic, which keep me up at night. They have to do with biological warfare for population control, nano-RFID’s implanted into critical mass via a vaccine, and Morpheus coming to a brain near you via 5G. Are you ready to go down the rabbit hole? Stay tuned for my next mind dump.

Disclosure: I am mind dumping right now, so yes, there will be spelling and grammatical mistakes. Remember, I am writing for me, not because I think anyone out there is following or reading this. However, if any Hollywood types want to use my Mind Dumps to pitch movie or Netflix ideas, include me in as a writer. Don’t just hijack my life and expect me not to find out. We live in a time of technology where you can’t get away with that anymore.

- PRH 3/28/20

[ruwithmeguys]

Hi there jessica! Do you see a reunion of olicity before the season ends?

Yes.

…Were you looking for a bit more? ;)

Ok, but I’m going to add a couple of other asks to this because they’re very similar and no point writing out the same reply 5 different ways (2 have been in my inbox for too long, oops):

“Hello; read your posts, really liked your explanations but I’m worrying. I don’t see how Olicity could reunite by ep20! Won’t they need more time?! They’ve already taken so long. Since they’re following S3, they could sleep together, especially if they go on the run together. Saw a theory that they go Lian Yu? That would be interesting. Would fit with them running. What do you think’s going to happen?”

“Hi! There have been a lot of theories about Olicity this season. Do you really think season 5 is paralleling season 3?”

“Hey Jessica! So what do you think about the Olicity love scene being a flashback?”

“What about Oliver’s dark spiral? SA said he’s going to be resigned to his fate; won’t that affect a possible reunion?”

Wow! I see: it’s THAT time of year! (I’ll do my best!)

Here’s the meat of it: since they broke up, I have been 100% certain that Olicity would get back together but I wasn’t always certain of when until last October (2016). I figured they’d be sending the wrong kind of message to have them take 2 or 3 seasons to reunite; as if they were the type of couple who couldn’t work through their differences and that ONLY time apart could heal them.

Time apart – factually – would kill them.

It’s part of the reason why she stayed with him in episode 4.23.

But until last year, I was the type of reviewer that didn’t think or consider the content of the shows I watch. I should have done because I missed so many clues. I took Psychology (a lifetime ago and am rusty as heck so don’t expect any profiling, you’ll be disappointed ;)) and I loved English literature; I know what a thematic analysis is etc, so… shouldn’t I have known better?

I have my own life but Arrow – this fandom – is where I go to replenish, so to speak. It’s where my brain switches off. To escape for a while. But it became more than that during season 4. Suddenly it was this hopeful symbol; the idea, however naïve, that love prevails and that trust can be earned, that even when things look so very bad, they can always get better. Naïve, right?

Because then Oliver and Felicity broke up and my mind just kind of went… ‘what’?

Too much heart. Not enough brain :)

I was too involved in what I was watching and sometimes you need to take several steps back and actually connect some dots: I used to be so good at that. But it had been years and I’d forgotten how. But then I found @louiseblue1 and her insights; these on top of @jbuffyangel reviews and her fabulous way of understanding narrative flows, Cali’s knack for hitting the head of every nail out there and @dust2dust34 @so-caffeinated natural understanding of Oliver Queen, gave me a kind of swift subconscious kick to the head that I needed to pull back a bit and really look at the show the way it needed to be looked at.

(I will fully admit that I’ve needed Bre and @callistawolf to bring me back from a major huff and puff once or twice this year too;))

I say this because I want you to understand that I’m just going off what I now see. I may not be right. But until proven otherwise, I’m sticking to the near-invisible threads we’ve been watching so far this season.

Do I think they’ll reunite by season end? Yes. Absolutely. Since Diggle asked Oliver that question in episode 1, about whether his life would personally involve Felicity Smoak in future (OF COURSE IT WILL), to which he answered ‘I don’t know’.

Since then.

There are other reasons why I do but as the above questions don’t ask for them, I’m going to save you the many pages I’d write about them ;)

Okay! *rubs hands together* episode 20…

Why are people assuming they WILL reunite episode 20?

Has there been a spoiler saying they will?

I’d LOVE it but I think we’ve learned pretty damn well that expecting anything to happen will only end in disappointment.

Just because its episode 20, it doesn’t mean they’re following season 3 to the letter. I’ve had a few asks that have made it very clear to me that people are expecting a LITERAL – not just a figurative – 3.20 parallel for episode 5.20.

Please don’t.

Season 5’s parallels to season 3 are absolutely present and we should pay attention to them but they also haven’t been quite so obvious thus far as to copy season 3’s progression.

The obvious parallel is that Felicity is – in a different kind of slide into darkness – sort of doing a ‘season 3 Oliver Queen’. But mostly, it’s been in the little things. And the symbolic things.

For instance, I highly doubt O + F are going to go away together to someplace in episode 20, have some life affirming sex (I’D LOVE IT THOUGH), say I love you and have Oliver leave her to face her horrible fate… just like a 3.20 parallel. Like a copy and paste, just switching character placements.

I don’t think I like that idea. It feels cheap. This deserves to be handled properly; no rushing.

For one thing, from the spoilers, I think they’re trapped – not necessarily running - and the team needs to save them (remember that pick of Echo propelling down that shaft?). I think they’ll be alone together.

As I theorized in my post (an hour or a day), I think they’re going to air everything out in this episode. Big time. They’ll have no choice because they’re trapped but to face each other. They’ll have no choice because with out it, moving forwards will be impossible for them. And though I have no idea what would come of it I do know that by itself is supremely different to what happened with them 3.20. That was an ‘I love you’ and a ‘goodbye’. A physical representation of repressed feelings coming to the surface.

Oliver and Felicity have always been magical at communicating without words, which was why sex was the obvious conclusion in 3.20.

But THIS time? They NEED to flipping talk.

And sometimes? Talking is an intimacy – and an openness - unto itself that even sex cannot reach.

I think they need to reach that final level with each other; the level where two people meet in the center and understand each other completely. They’re going to connect. Really connect, one soul to another (cheesy I know), or that’s what I hope for. I mean, there really is no other choice for these two.

They’ve ruined each other for anyone else.

Felicity found a boyfriend in Billy, because it wasn’t a chance to take (she wasn’t risking her heart, she was defending it); he was an escape option and a shield. It was her saying ‘look how fine I am’? ‘I’m absolutely over Oliver Queen’. ‘He can do whatever he likes too’. ‘No I don’t think about him every second of the day’…

It’s human. And it’s painful. And it’s sad. It’s natural. It tells us just how much she isn’t passed it all.

Oliver found Snoozan who, like Billy, doesn’t quite fit the title of girlfriend.

Neither Oliver or Felicity – or ANY other character – has really been able to refer to Billy/Snoozan as their boyfriend/girlfriend respectively which delights me.

Oliver has been routine in his belief that he isn’t good enough for Felicity since season 3 (a bit of 2 as well), so he settled for whatever life threw at him this year (HIS WORDS IN EPSIDOE 5). Life threw Snoozan at him and he went along for the ride.

Wow.

Both Felicity and Oliver developed feelings for these two but I promise you now, those feelings aren’t lasting. Nor are they romantic love.

They’re both these tools for O + F to try with.

These attempts failed horrifically.

Billy was killed by Oliver, a deliberate attempt of Adrian’s to prove him the monster he keeps inferring he is and Snoozan and Oliver broke because of secrets he refused to share hoping she’d just believe in him anyway.

Which she didn’t.

(Funny, we all thought Oliver would tell her his secret etc but he didn’t even come close and he CHOOSE that; it’s why he questions what he was even thinking getting involved with her. I’ll tell you Oliver; you were lonely and desperate for someone to see a man instead of the monster you think you are. Poor guy.)

Because, when you spend enough time with someone you develop feelings for them. It’s only natural. But it also makes me feel sorry for Billy and Snoozan (not really) because neither Oliver nor Felicity chose them because they were attracted to them, or because they were tempted, or because they even liked them.

Felicity was hiding. Oliver was settling. Both were looking for comfort.

How flattering.

Which ultimately makes both these relationships utterly unimportant.

AND it explains how stiff Oliver was after sleeping with Snoozan and the feeling that Felicity wasn’t completely present with Billy after they’d done the same.

Now timing has been ridiculous on this show; sometimes the pacing makes sense, sometimes it doesn’t. Maybe the flashback will explain more as to the why’s of their behaviour. But, really, one episode is all they need. OF COURSE THERE’S TIME.

Olicity has spent the season decidedly NOT talking. And it HAS to be for a reason. They used to always talk. Now they don’t. Why did they make that choice? A choice that has obviously hurt them both.

Just as the flashback sex HAS to be for a reason. As great as it is that they will show this, they wouldn’t do it without a reason. I’m guessing that whatever happened between them between S4 and 5, explains their behaviour this season. There’s been a ‘we’re completely fine’ air about them both that feels off (we know SA and EBR are fab actors so this is deliberate). Eventually ‘fine’ won’t cut it for either of them.

They’re already coming close to their attempt at pretending that they’re fine, shattering into little pieces.

BRING.IT. ON.

We’re already seeing the signs in episodes 15 and 16.

Notice Felicity’s physical and verbal responses to him? They’re a bit softer. There’s a lack of defensiveness about her person that made me grin. His focus on her in episode 16 broke through a wall and it surprised her. I think she’s building up to a conclusion.

And Oliver? He’s started concentrating on her again, directing his thoughts to her – I MEAN SNOOZAN WAS TAKEN AND HE WAS ALL ‘NO THAT DOESN’T MATTER; I’M WORRIED ABOUT YOU’ - like he can’t help himself. But his path – because of Adrian – is about to get ten times darker.

Like I said in my post, I think he’ll break. I also think there is a chance Felicity might too for a different reason and in a very different way. But in this regard I also think that, in this respect, she’s stronger than Oliver. Maybe she knows more than we think she does about Helix.

But him breaking will test EVERYONE, including the team. (Maybe that’s why episode 18 is called disbanded *shrugs*)

The sex scene being a flashback isn’t a problem for me.

But when I first discovered it, I will admit to thinking DAMN! WHY NOT IN THE PRESENT? LET THEM VENT IT OUT! BRING ON THE SEX; ALL THE SEX!!

But… at this stage, without really connecting again, wouldn’t that kind of physical explosion just hurt them? It wouldn’t be an answer. Maybe AFTER they talked.

Plus, flashback sex proves neither could keep their hands off each other during the summer. How gratifying.

But I’ve also heard some people saying that their perception of the sex being a flashback is Arrow’s way of telling the fandom that Olicity really are a thing of the past. Dear God, why waste ANY sex scene on them if they were saying goodbye to them.

Why trap them together?

Why claim it’s a big Olicity episode?

Why would the climax of the season be anything but that: a CLIMAX. Something we’ve been waiting for.

Look at season 1: Oliver and Laurel, after spending most of the season apart (seriously, their scenes were few and far between and absent of romantic emotions) suddenly (because it was abrupt, no lead up or anything other than Laurel throwing herself at Oliver right after he lies and tells her what she wants to hear), have sex. Episode 21.

It’s VERY possible. Probable even. There’s no way they’re saying goodbye to Olicity. James Bamford even confirmed (last year) @jbuffyangel theory about them relearning each other. How better to know someone than to walk in their footsteps?

MG asked us to be patient.

WM said that there were some storyline they could only do if they were apart and they were obligated to do them, even if we didn’t like them.

Other than that, we don’t really have enough info to say for sure about what, when, where, how… and I expect to be proven wrong at some point.

Whether they go to Lian Yu or not, I’m also clueless.

But I want to point out something.

True love, fun and bedroom antics…

These are Stephen’s words about the nature of Oliver and Felicity’s season 4 relationship and they make so many things clear in where they may be heading. He didn’t need to clarify that: he offered it. We’ve learned a fundamental truth about our Captain this year:

Everything Stephen says is deliberate. EVERYTHING he says is honest (sometimes you just have to dig or filter or read between the lines):

He brought up the Russian Vodka sex, which I’m sure, was meant to be a joke (I thought it was) but we know has been confirmed thanks to JB for the flash back sequence. And notice how he behaved when he said it – the slight ‘it’s important but I’m going to coolly play off’ shrug thing and slight smile – and the way Emily looked at him, like she was dying not to laugh.

He brought up killing Billy BEFORE episode 1 even aired. Yes, it was another joke, but he referenced it at least 2 more times afterwards. And Oliver did kill Billy.

Bu that quote made it clear that their relationship in season 4 was fundamentally lacking something. The words are great but a relationship doesn’t last from embracing only the good things.

They learned how to fight in season 3.

In season 4 they learned how to live together.

In season 5 maybe they’ll finally learn how to UNDERSTAND each other.

It gives them room to grow as a couple too. It suggests that once they achieve this, then that will be it. When they get back together, maybe they’ll never break again (*fingers crossed*).

He also stressed that Oliver KNOWS he’s at fault for their breakup (to all the people hating MG’s interview recently where he said that Felicity’s lack of understanding is was broke them up, please be aware we only received a partial interview and that he was talking technically – Felicity DID break them up but the reason why they broke up was Oliver’s, that was the point).

Now, why would Stephen do that? Why would he also say that she was right to break up with him, that it was only choice for her to make? She needed to learn something this year and I think she is. I think they’re going to focus on this. Soon. Because they have too; they can’t leave this hanging in the air.

Stephen also said that we shouldn’t stop hoping for them.

AND he has said that there’s a reason for the way Oliver’s been acting this year…

So I looked back at how he’s been acting. He’s content in a way, but not happy. More brutal. Tougher. A better manipulator, lonelier, more understanding and ethically confused. Tired. Like a constant cognitive dissonance. Felicity told him that he was in a schism. He still is in one.

Season 3 had him choose between the Arrow and Oliver Queen. He chose the former. Season 4 had him discovering how to be Oliver. Season 5 has had him try to merge these two identity’s but he can’t because he has a third. The monster. Where every other aspect of himself is defeated by this creature of violence and death and destruction. The man we’ve been seeing in the Bratva flashbacks. The thing created from placing a man in hostile environments for years and having him claw his way out. Only, he never really did.

He never left.

I think that’s what Adrian is trying to reveal to Oliver; that his true self is this monster. Stephen added that Oliver will be resigned to his fate after episode 17. I think Prometheus is going to somehow convince him – manipulate and mind screw with him – that he can’t change his fate: a fate to be a monster who lives alone.

(Can’t wait to discover this secret he wants Oliver to reveal to him!)

This season NEEDS Oliver to find a way to merge his identities. To see the light again and I don’t think that’s possible without Felicity Smoak.

So yes, I feel very good about a reunion. Due to how the season has run, I don’t expect one until episode 23 but I do feel that episode 20 will be one for the books!

I know I ranted. It’s a problem. But I cannot WAIT for this episode (well I can but it’s very difficult) because WHATEVER happens - BAD OR GOOD - will be a culmination of the events leading up to it – with Oliver a broken and Felicity making morally ambiguous choices - and I for one am super excited to see how it plays out!

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #8: "stick to ONE STORY, not nineteen." - Zach

I think missing the Joint-Tribal Council has been a net positive for my game. Both Takagi2.0 and Kato2.0 were unable to put their differences aside to settle the vote, which means Attila is free to come in and play kingmaker. The choice here is obvious. Kato2.0 could use some shrinkage. Hopefully starting with one of the two original Kato members.

I've re-connected with all of my allies. A lot of them were scared for me during my little tie incident. But now that we're back together again, we have nothing to worry about. ;)

Ally told me everything about the Joint-Tribal vote, and how Kato2.0 seemed unwilling to flip on itself. She even went so far as to tell me Zach seems more loyal to Kato2.0 than she originally expected. Maybe she'll be down to vote him out sooner than I expected. Karth also told me about the vote, and the dynamics of the Kato2.0 tribe. Jake seems to be the odd one out in all of this. It sounds like he's starting to isolate himself socially by being too sketchy with both the StephenW/Federico votes. I wonder where Miguel/Zach/Tim fit into all of this.... I guess if Karth flips, it won't really matter anyway.

It's weird to feel this safe with my alliances right now. It's honestly a new feeling for me in ORG's. I'm finding myself questioning whether I'm being arrogant or if my position is really as good as it appears to be. I put a lot of work into my relationships in the pre-merge and I feel like my social/strategic bonds couldn't be stronger than they are right now. I just hope it all starts to bare fruit here and I can be a serious winner contender.

Luke is a crackhead confirmed.

He literally is as messy as a Sloppy Joe. His stories literally don't add up in any way, shape, or form. He first began by letting me know that: Karth, Aly, and, Zach are in alliance. (He's basically trying to get me spooked about those three potentially working together in this game. K cool. FINE. Spooked? barely?).

BUT THEN he goes on to say the votes for Stephen Z were 5 to 3 and that Aly voted in the minority... but? if she had this alliance? wouldn't she have known where to fucking vote? Weird, right? Why would she flip on her "alliance" of Zach, Karth, and herself. THEN he proceeds to tell me that Aly flipped between voting out Zach and Stephen all day?

THEN HE TELLS ME... SHE WAS FLIPPING BETWEEN WHERE TO VOTE ALL DAY...

MY DUDE.. IF SHE WAS IN AN ALLIANCE WITH ZACH WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE FLIP FLOP BETWEEN VOTING HIM OUT?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

In conclusion, Luke is too messy for my taste and needs to go.

the end.

OMG I feel so happy we finally merged! I feel like I have options to work with in this merge as I think Zach, Karthik, Jake and Tim could stick together. I also have the option to work with Luke and Jake later on the game as og Kato (I have 0 interest in playing with Alyssa). If I had to choose someone to leave next it would be either Jess, Stephen (Bc I don't know em) or Alyssa who I never trusted. Also the joint tribal was a mess but it ended up going the way I wanted with an og Kato gone. (why do I want an og Kato gone?) well most of them are liars and players, but I don't wanna close the option to play with em, so like the least og Kato members there r the best bc no one would expect that probability. I also reaaally like Ally but I'm not exactly sure if I can trust her.

Well the joint tribal was intense as expected. Glad to have come through it and made the merge without facing much trouble. I learnt a lesson not to trust someone just based on past relationships. I had been looking forward to meet Luke as I have played with him on EM and he is lovely. But the first day we meet on this game he has been going around saying Zach,Ally and me are an alliance that would run this game. Not cool Luke! But I can't blame him for this as he is playing his game. I trusted Ally a lot too but off-late things seem odd with her. She told me she was voting Stephen W but then she tells me that she changed her mind at the last moment as Stephen W told her that he had an idol. I am not sure if I could believe her on this. I cannot feel comfortable anymore in this game and have to start reconsidering my options. I have been on good terms with Tim and I am planning to try and improve on it and be his best buddy. Feel things are gonna get real intense now with the merge and I am hoping I could lay low and somehow survive the next couple of votes and plan from there.

I actually made merge? shook.

I'm not too sure how exactly I am going to navigate this merge at this current moment. If you would have asked me 10 days ago who I would want to work with in the merge I probably would have had a different answer as I currently do. Honestly I found myself working with... Alyssa somehow again. However, I feel like we both know we want to end each other's game but none of us can do it just yet. So that's going to be a problem down the line and It'll be fun to see what happens. However, I'm more worried about ending Stephen's game than I am at ending Alyssa's. This dude has COME TO PLAY. I can see him making it far in this game. You can already tell he's socially connected, strategic, and I'm sure he can bring the physical when needed.

... but... I can't start killing my alliances games just yet. Right now I need to build relationships with everyone and I'm STRUGGLING to do so. I don't know if it's just these people in this game or if it's me? I've been attempting to talk to every single person in this game but.. I'm not getting much. I know this is going to sound horrible but.. trying to socialize with some of these people feels having to go to the dentist. It's unpleasant.. but I have to do it.

To build some sort of trust with certain people... I used what Luke told me about the "alliance" of Zach, Aly, and Karth and let them all know in order to build some trust. However, Alyssa randomly already knew about it (I didn't tell her) and so did Tim? So? Big Mood Energy.

There are rumours of a Kato 2.0 alliance going around currently. I want to end that "alliance" BAD if it really is a thing. However, I really don't want to step on Tim's toes and blindside him. Once I lose Tim's trust in this game I think my game is going to become significantly harder to play. I'm just not too sure what the fuck to do. I'm already flopping hard here.

Well, to the basement once again and it sucks. I never find any luck in stuff like these which makes it terrible. A lot might happen during the merge vote as its an important vote and being left out of it is not so good for me. I can feel that Ally and Stephen have lost some trust in me which makes me sad and worried as I have been considering them as my core allies. I dont feel so good atm and I get a negative vibe which tells me I could go home tonight :(

AHHHH so merge!!! Im so happy I made merge!! Stephen won immunity as well as Alyssa!!  I hope I can survive!!

I find myself in a fast forming majority with Ally, Jess, Stephen, and Alyssa. Ok the flip side I’ve been speaking with Karth, Jake, Miguel a lot and with Tim and Zach a bit. I’m feeling okay right now as no one seems to want me out and it’s looking like I have possible moves to make, the vote is set on Miguel at the moment but by tonight who knows what could happen. Idols are a big risk as well at this point so while I’m feeling safe im also highly nervous. I’ve been to the most tribals of anyone left in the game I believe so I have learned to expect some sort of drama in the last hour or so before tribal that could change the vote entirely so I’m not totally locked into a vote but I have my ideas, we will have to see what happens

i'm NOT FUCKING SURE what's going on. anyway, here's a recap of the past few days. -- STEPHEN VOTE -- stephen's a king, i love him. however, he handled this round very poorly and that got himself booted 100%. i'm happy he's on jury though i don't think i stand much chance at his vote. let me go off about something: i wanted jake out. i was so close to voting jake because i don't trust that kid really and i knew the perception would be "kato 2.0 5 are STRONG" - which it is currently. i'm WOKE! ally even told me this and it's common sense. HOWEVER, stephen threw my name out and basically threatened me (briefly, vaguely) about voting me out and i don't like that. you do not try to get me to flip by threatening to vote me out. that is not how i operate. so to the people who think we're strong - know that's not the case. i dont want to get cocky, but i think i was a swing in this vote (i could've gotten any combo of karthik, tim, and miguel to vote jake with me, or even tied it alone) but i didn't because stephen decided to throw me UTB and luke decided to be messy. stick to ONE STORY, not nineteen.

-- MERGE -- we  made merge. it was really exciting to reach this stage of the game, as well as jury. at least if i get brutally blindsided ever... i'm getting to vote for a winner!!! that's really all i could ask for at this rate. but now that i've accomplished two of my goals, it's time for the next step: winning. i find this cast to be dry. by that, i mean... not super active until the time is appropriate. now, before i get dragged, i understand - why be super active when you don't have to be. but it's just been boring for the most part and no one's really utilizing the 24 hours of freedom to secure bonds (but neither was i so i can't fully complain). i got to reconnect with people & meet others. jess is great, and i missed her so much. stephen is still the same for me - sketchy but fun. alyssa is one of my favs and within minutes of speaking to her i understand why she is a force to be reckoned with. was there someone else... no. so everyone's great. anyway, alyssa and i made a pact to not target each other due to being known as 'big players' or whatever. she might've been stroking my fatass ego but... it worked.

-- IMMUNITY -- when immunity comes around, people are still staggering when it comes to socializing. some people, however, made deals with me. jess/alyssa/karthik/miguel are all legends. if i forgot someone, rip. anyway, i stayed mostly true to my deals, maybe giving it off 1 point value from where i promised. i know that i can easily win this immunity but i kind of don't care and give alissa the +3 (i thought about giving her -3, which means i win - and that would've been the case).  now, before i get voted out tonight and flamed, ill say that i didnt want to win this immunity and it wouldve made me a bigger threat regardless. immunity results happen, and alyssa/stephen win. that's fine. i wasn't planning on voting one of them out this round.

-- TRIBAL -- i have talked about most of this in my conf chat so i'll just regurgitate it: ally told karthik the vote was miguel (or his name was going around). he told me. stephen told tim same news, tim told me. i think this is a decoy vote. why? because why would you tell everyone the vote, especially given that there is fear from multiple people about the Kato 2.0 alliance staying strong (it's not even alliance. BTW, POST -SEASON -- YOU WILL SEE THAT THERE WASN'T AN ALLIANCE.). am i close to them? yea, most of them, but that's the same with any combo of people who are on the same tribe for a few days/rounds. i tell jess about hearing miguels name, she asks who, i leak tims name. this was a mistake because i dont really trust jess 100% but... anyway. coincidentally, after i do this, stephen comes into my pms. he explains that miguels name has been floating around alongside the rumour of kato 2.0 being strong. this would be smart if i was dumb but it's clearly to save face. i'll credit stephen/co. tho. it's smart. i should want to vote out one of the five to secure myself and make the target fade. but have it be known that i don't see the benefit of tim/miguel/karthik leaving this tribal, especially given my target size. it's just odd. i also realize jess told karthik what she told me - about how the rumour of me/ally/karthik are a tight trio - is going around. she told me she was informing me of this info to 'have my back' but girl told other people too so i aint important LOL. alyssa tells me my name is going out now by stephen, and he allegedly has numbers. these numbers would consist of ally/stephen/luke/alyssa/jess + maybe some kato 2.0. i'm worried now. i don't anticipate jess/alyssa would vote me this soon. ally shouldn't. it'd be dumb bc i can leave at any tribal if you dont let me get to like f5/6. but i can't expect these people to always play to their win-con bc they may think their win-con is something different.

so at the moment, i struggle as im full of confusion and stress once again. maybe i should've won immunity (but also i felt like alyssa couldve beaten me easily so i didn't bother). i think the vote could be me, it makes more sense than the vote being someone like miguel (and everyone knowing said information). ill have to reassess the situation soon, but i may idol tonight. i want to trust that the following people wont vote me: alyssa/jess/karthik/tim/miguel - but can i? idk. if i could have my way, one of jake/luke would leave tonight . or stephen but sisters immune so.

this tribal has been so quiet i hate it

miguel’s name has been kinda drifting around the whole time

luke’s name is coming up a bit now

we officially formed ~the samurais~, which is me stephen luke jess and alyssa

and the 5 of us are gonna try to blindside zach

idk how well this is gonna go but i have my fingers crossed !!!!

i will NOT let these kato 2.0 bitches keep dictating votes on my ALLIES!!!! LEAVE LUKE ALONE!!!!!

Miguel is voted out 5-4-1. He becomes the second member of our jury.

#escapenow #episode

[worldofsurvivorcomoros-blog]

VERONICA’S JURY QUESTIONS

okay, so i wanna start this off by saying that i really do love the both of you a lot and i had so much fun playing with the both of you <3 secondly, i didn’t 100% show just how genuinely upset i was when i was voted out because i wanted to be nice and non dramatic and what not BUT since we did tribal so early in the day i had time to wipe my tears, get over the sadness i felt, and then let my sadness fester into petty bitter extraness. so with that being said i know i promised regan my vote already but that’s off the table so i can i have some sort of leverage to get y’all to answer/do my three part questions/demands. which i know y’all weren’t wondering but in spirit of being petty i specifically chose 3 parts because i got 3rd place. hehe.

PART ONE – ROP! because i was in the final 3 with y’all, i didn’t get a ROP from either of you and so i want one now, and yes flattery will get you everywhere but i want a genuine 100% honest thoughts about me and memories in the game and whatnot shit which should be simple enough and like it doesn’t HAVE to be at least 300 words….but it’d be nice :////

PART TWO – POEM! i want a poem written about me and i want it to rhyme preferably not half assed and in good length but this one is very iffy just because if its super short but really good then it will be okay and i just wanna smile and or nod my head in agreement so do with that what you will

PART THREE – QUESTIONS! just so i’m not a completE troll in my jury statement/question thing i will ask some genuine questions about your game play and etc.

–– REGAN

1. you said time and time again that you wanted to see me in the f2 with you and you always talked about loyalty between us. if you would have won the final immunity, would you have taken me?

2. you’re possibly the most emotional player i’ve ever encountered……..ever. why should i give you my vote when you let your feelings cloud your judgement and actions in game?

3. what would you say are the strengths and weaknesses in andrew’s gameplay?

–– ANDREW

1. ok so forgive me bc u already know i don’t know much about survivor, but explain to me in detail about your specific strategic side of your gameplay because from how i see it the only truly 100% strategic thing (and not just social) you did was use the sapphire idol, and even that didn’t go as you planned, so to me as of right now i only see your entire gameplay as – talk to everyone and then rely on winning comps or youre out

2. as you said in your speech, you had it easy pre-merge because you were always on the winning tribe, but i still don’t see why i should vote for someone who only really had to play and do heavy gameplay towards the middle to end versus regan who didn’t have the cushion of immunity pre-merge and had to work her way to the end. can you explain to me why i should still vote for you although you didn’t work as hard as regan?

3. why didn’t you tell me you were voting me out in pms like i had asked you the night before :///

IN CONCLUSION –– i really do love you both as people and a large part of why comoros is my favorite survivor game i’ve played is due to you both and i don’t make any promises to not make half joking/half genuine bitter comments about this game (esp to u andrew) but i wish you both the best of luck and i will be voting based on responses to my question/statements and to others and from what i know about each of your gameplays and hopefully YALL don’t hate me after this extra ass mess that i had to do bc like if i’m not gonna win or get the runner up spot then i’m gonna have fun and being the bitter bitch that i am

ROP: You were my closest ally in this game and you know that. I felt like karen and andrew were on the top of our alliance and we were on the bottom so I'm glad you and I flipped it was the right move. And thank you so much for listening to me in the karen vote. Means a lot because without you I could not have done it. It would've went to rocks. it changed our games for the better.

Poem: I hope I won't lose your vote because of what I wrote. The fact that you're mad makes me really sad. Remember before you went you promised me your vote is that really what you meant?? I cannot write well, I'm sorry writing a good poem to you would take a spell. I really think you will keep your word I hope, or else I don't know how to cope.

Questions 

1) yes I would have taken you. If that meant I would have lost 9-0 (or something idk I'm bad at counting) then that really sucks. But when I tell people I'm sticking with them I will. I was very loyal to you and daisy and I only voted daisy out because I had to choose. I hoped to win immunity so it would be us 2 like we always planned. I felt that we were on a more equal playing field and plus I wanted to see you at the end with me

2) I'm sorry that I was Emotional I guess my feelings do affect my game a lot. but nothing anyone said to me or did to me personally affected who I was voting out. Karen was always extremely kind to me and I have zero reason to hate her. same with daisy. but I had to vote them both out. I did what was best for my game. so why I would say emotional things, I wouldn't act on it. or  else my game would've gone differently and Luke would've gone earlier because I was upset by things said by him. Veronica I may have been mad at you due to another game but I didn't let that affect my final 2 with you despite saying it might. you were always someone I wanted to be loyal to.

3) Strengths: -Very good physically. tried so hard in every challenge like he even brought his laptop to class in order to win final 4 immunity. that's commitment -Commitment. as I mentioned before he never gave up even though after Karen's vote he may have felt dead in the water. he tried to convince us to keep him and also never gave up on immunity and had an immunity streak going until the end. -Loyalty: he was extremely loyal. I don't think that until the final 4 he was planning on voting out you me or karen. he wanted it to be us 4 in the final 4 and it hurt him that Karen left. like emotionally not his game play really.

RoP - Whew I really hate what I ended up doing to you in this game. And I don’t think any amount of apologizing will be able to make it better. But I am glad that you still want to continue this friendship because I very much do as well. When we both first saw we were not only in this game together but on the SAME TRIBE, it was hilarious. We were both freaking out and made sure we were gonna have each other’s back. You were not only an awesome ally, but an awesome friend to have as well. Like I told Daisy in her RoP, it’s become more difficult lately for me to kind new people I could really befriend in games because it’s the same people playing a lot of the time. And while we were friends already, this game helped out a lot. We were always so excited in PMs together, and honestly one of my favorite memories of this game is gonna be the call we did for the checkers challenge where we just kept cracking jokes about the mess that was happening. I loved playing with you and getting closer to you this game, and I really look forward to continuing the friendship. Thank you for being the ally and friend that you were, even though I ended up doing what I did at the very end. Ily mom <3

Poem -

Veronica, my mom You are the bomb diggity. Yes With a goodnight streak You make everyone weak Memes for days Queen of the gays Lady Gaga who?_Veronica_

Roses are red Veronica is our queen Her messages will light up any laptop screen She won Mystic Falls And we march down the halls Chanting so strong queen? Veronica

Mother of Sinnoh Queen of Comoros How we love her so Veronica

1 The talking to a lot of people aspect of my game was to open the doors for me to implement the strategies I wanted. You won’t know how people are voting and you can’t get people to vote the way you want them to without talking to them. And that’s what I had to do. A big part of this game was making sure people voted the way I wanted them to, because this was a game of split votes. At least at the merge. There was so much that could’ve gone wrong with the Sapphire Idol play (which ended up benefitting me anyway) and all of the other votes up to Drew’s elimination due to his idol. So split votes had to be implemented. And with a split vote comes a lot of talking and pushing different agendas onto people as to convince them to vote a certain way. Get this person to vote person number 1 for one reason and get another person to vote person 2 for this reason. If you want an example of a plan other than the Sapphire Idol, we could move to Drew’s vote out. This required getting Luke on our side, making sure that Daisy would be on board for the vote, and getting the alliances together to split the votes the way we wanted them to. It also required the convincing of Drew that Luke was the one going home so that he would not only protect Luke but make himself vulnerable to be voted out. There’s so much that goes into these plans that I spent a lot of time working out the necessary voting distributions that I wanted to go down. And I’d say I had a good success rate overall. Through working with alliances and talking to various people separately, a lot of my strategy ended up working.

2 I understand the dilemma of not wanting to vote someone who as safe all of pre-merge. However, that’s something that was very much out of my control. It’s very circumstantial how the tribal immunity wins play out, and you fight to win those as to see another couple days in the game. So, I’m hoping that isn’t something that devalues or discredits my game. And like I said in my opening statement, I used that time to make the necessary social bonds I needed to in order to get me to the end. I know that Regan had to go to some tribals, but what I had heard from during the swap is that Regan was never really in any danger. From what I had gathered, Karen, Drew, and Regan were going to be too tight-knit to be broken pre-merge, and they stayed together throughout all of the pre-merge. So I’m hoping this doesn’t discredit my game, especially because people like Daisy and Chris, who played good and respectable games up to their eliminations, could have potentially faced the same criticism as well had either or both of them made it to the end.

3 I honestly, truly had no figured out what I was doing that night. I dunno how much you believe that, but it’s the truth. You and Regan as well as the hosts all knew that night I was very overwhelmed with irl situations, and I really kinda just won the immunity, stayed online for a little bit, and logged out to clear my mind from not only this game but what was giving me anxiety irl as well. This isn’t something to make you pity me or feel bad for me, it’s just the truth that I was already very overwhelmed that night, and when things like that happen I always tell myself and other people to get offline for a bit if it means you’ll be calmer. So, when I woke up late the next morning and made my decision, I went to you guys in the chat, waited for you both to be present, and revealed it to you both. And that’s all the 100% truth.

#woscomoros #final tribal council