#I might remove this post after April Fools is over lol! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

madzilla84 · 4 years

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how are you xx

Thank you for asking, anon :) I appreciate it!

I suppose it’s as good a time as any for an update. The short version is - Fine, I Guess; the most important thing is that I have food and supplies and am safe and comfortable and as far as I know, so are all the people I know.

Here is the long version lol, because it’s me.

Real life bit: We’re now into week 5 of working from home, and the last time I went further than the end of my street was over a month ago. I’ve settled into a routine of getting meals delivered semi-regularly (I hate cooking, so it’s kind of a blessing that local companies have started doing affordable, delivered meals in the middle of all this, as opposed to expensive, unhealthy takeaways), and popping to the corner shop for essentials the rest of the time. I guess the last time I spoke to another human aside from on zoom/in the corner shop/waving at delivery people was like. mid-March? when they sent us home?

Despite all that I do feel okay; I joke about having trained for this but the truth is, I kinda have. I already spent most of my non-work time at home and have always lived alone, so I haven’t had to adjust to that. Still, removing really the only social aspect I had in my life - going to work - has been a bit strange. I feel okay now, but I do wonder how difficult the re-adjustment will be when we eventually return to the office - or if we ever will, if they decide they don’t want to pay for the buildings when they maybe don’t need to. We’ll see. I feel like I’m also going to have the stamina of a newborn horse when I start venturing out again; I’ll have to take it slowly. I do quite like working from home, but I don’t want to, like - develop agoraphobia or something, you know?

I’ve really been loving all the special events people have been putting on; both for charity and just to lift peoples’ spirits. I actually think I’ll miss those, and hope it encourages people to keep doing things like that.

All in all, I think I’m pretty fortunate compared to many. I can work from home, I have access to food, they haven’t stopped my pay, I’m not separated from people I’d usually see … it’s not, like, *fun*, and I would love to just be able to resume normality, but realistically I think it’ll be a pretty long time. I was already disappointed about Vidcon but in all honesty I think 2020 is a wash, and probably a chunk of 2021. If it ends up happening I’ll be shocked; I wouldn’t be comfortable going and I can’t imagine they would be either.

Just gotta get on with it, I guess.

Fandom bit: I DUNNO MAN it’s really all over the place. I have days like Sunday - usually when something disappointing happens or it’s just a bad brain day or whatever - but sometimes, there’ll just be a day when I feel Fully Done; I posted the I’m Straight Up Not Having A Good Time meme the other day but sometimes it really do be like that. (Two memes for the price of one.) I think about taking a break but it never sticks for very long. (I realise I sound a bit like Bender’s ‘I’m Running Away (And This Time I Mean It)’ note from Futurama)

I looked back in my 2018 diary recently and found when I decided to buy my II tickets; it was right after GTPWTW came out. I was already following them, watching vids etc but I wasn’t like - *in the phandom*, y’know? But getting more into it all just as II started was the best and worst time; for the rest of the year we were *so* spoiled (not that we knew it then) and I loved it and just got more and more involved and inspired and was enjoying everything so much - and then it all ended. (Usual disclaimer, before anyone comes for me - of *course* I love and appreciate Phil and his content and am not discounting it in any way; I’m talking about the joint vids and the insta stories and the tweets and the gaming channel and just like acknowledging each other’s existence and Dan being alive.) I - actually don’t remember how much I got into how much they’ve inspired me and helped me, but yeah, and I wasn’t at all prepared for it to be over. I certainly wasn’t expecting 2020 to be like this (in any way).

Sometimes I think I should move on from it, if it’s making me feel this bad on the regular, but I don’t seem to be able to. Animal Crossing has helped recently, and I’m probably going to dive back into another older video game fandom of mine to help, but, like. I dunno. On those bad days I think to myself, Am I A Fool? Am I just sticking around like a sad, jilted ex waiting for - what? Something that will never come? Just reliving the old days over and over? Why do this to myself? It often makes me so anxious and I start catastrophising and like, I joined originally because it made me happy and it was fun? It’s not like I *enjoy* feeling bitter and upset?

And, okay, I know we’ve had this conversation a literal million times and there really is no point any more, but I just wanted to put it out there that there are still regularly days when I am just so damned *sad* about it that I can’t enjoy it on any level. At those times, I don’t want to read fics, let alone write them. I don’t want to watch vids. I don’t even want to look at cute gifs or whatever because it all just reminds me that it’s over. I don’t think Current Circumstances are necessarily making it worse because I was definitely feeling it last year, too, but it certainly doesn’t help that during this time they’ve been, somehow, even more absent than usual.

But then! Other days are much better; I can do all those things and enjoy them a lot and just appreciate that they exist. I have a good time on here (and sometimes, even, on twitter, now I’ve muted like 2/3 of the fandom lmao). I don’t love how those days seem to be getting fewer and further between for me at the moment, but maybe it really *is* the state of the world. I dunno. I guess what it boils down to is that I *do* still care about them, way too much perhaps, and sometimes wish I didn’t because it would make this easier. (How do you switch that off?)

I ended up leaving my last fandom not because of the dearth of source material - the very nature of video games is that you go years and years between content - but because the fans were awful, except for a small minority (the folks I still keep in touch with). The opposite is true here; I know the phandom has a Reputation but I haven’t found that to be true, mostly - this is probably the nicest fandom I’ve ever been in, and that has definitely gone a long way to keeping me around - I would miss everyone too much. (Obviously every fandom has its bad eggs, but I have curated my experience a *ton*)

I know for many folks they actually couldn’t really care less what D&P actually do and are just here for the fic and art, and I wish that was me but it isn’t (not that I don’t value those things immensely, y’all are carrying the fandom on your backs).

And, like, it really doesn’t take much to cheer me up, lol. Remember how good the first week of April was? Unexpectedly? Things can change on a dime. And yet, while I know that, I’ve also gotten fully used to disappointment and have stopped hoping for good things because I’m just - tired of it. I’ll probably read this back when I’m feeling better and be like, god, what an overdramatic ass (like you might be thinking right now), but that doesn’t help at the time. I’m sure my real life brain problems fully inform how I feel about all of this, too, I’m well aware of that.

So, sorry for writing all that out! But it’s just how things are. I can’t see it changing any time soon, if it ever does, so I guess I need to learn to deal with it better or just - find something else. Except I don’t want to. Which perhaps makes me an idiot.

And the cycle continues.

#anon asks #tw negativity #mad.txt

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