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saras-almanac · 3 years

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creator tag meme

The lovely @softlass27 tagged me to do this and I am literally only seeing this now, on January 3rd. But what is time anymore? Right? And she’s also the reason her ask about my fic “letting go” has popped back up. Was that really only in September that I answered that? Seriously, what is time?

Also... yeah I didn’t really write a lot this year. I usually write a fair amount, especially with my own original stuff too, but I just didn’t have it in me this year. My biggest problem (if you consider it a problem) is I love angst and character studies and really digging in to characters and allowing them room to speak their truth or really explore something that canon leaves unexplored. If you will. And in this year of the pandemic and staying at home and all the constant anxiety around that, I just didn’t have the emotional endurance to write a lot of the things I wanted to write. So... just know that I didn’t write a lot this year.

1. finding one’s footing

Summary: Two years after Robert is sentenced to prison, he comes home to Emmerdale. Unfortunately it's not that simple as Robert struggles with the anxiety and stress of leaving prison, his mind reverting him back to his post-shooting days, and Chas trying to run him from the village. She's understandably upset at how much Robert hurt Aaron, but Aaron's more closed off than Robert has seen him in years. Robert's desperate to find a way to mend things with Aaron, if only to be friends, but he's not sure he'll be able to with Aaron's strange attitudes towards him, Chas angrily coming at Robert for so much as breathing, and his own struggles.

Reunion 3.0 - Very Robert-centric as he works to rebuild himself and the relationships he "ruined" years ago. Will eventually lead to Aaron/Robert reunion.

I literally cannot believe that this was started at the beginning of the year. And I also can’t believe that I haven’t written anything for it in months. Oops. I still really love this fic idea and really being able to dive into Robert’s frame of mind after being released from prison and really trying to readjust to life again and also just sort of facing the things he tried to avoid in prison. I just love all fics where Robert gets to really voice what he wants or needs and / or fics where Aaron fights for Robert. Plus I cannot wait to write the scene were Robert basically yells at Chas and Paddy for treating Aaron like absolute shit after he was arrested.

2. waiting

Summary: It’s been two years and Aaron’s still waiting. Literally ever since he found out Robert had been released and on his way to Emmerdale. Reunion 3.0 that is really sappy…

I honestly forgot I even wrote this! (What is this year?) And I just realized that I never cross posted it to ao3 so I’m gonna have to do that this week. But I just really love reunion fics or fics where they’re just happy together. I know that seems contradictory to what I wrote above, but it’s true? And I mean, this isn’t entirely all fluff there’s definitely some emotional angst here because it wouldn’t be my fic if there wasn’t.

****

And so we come to the end of what I actually wrote this year. Like I said... it wasn’t a lot and that’s totally cool. You gotta just live and let live, you know? But I figured I’d add a few projects / things I’m working on and want to work on for 2021. To sort of even it out in a sense.

1. finding one’s footing

Yeah. This is definitely on the list of things I want to work on this year. I really hate having unfinished works out there and usually don’t start posting a fic until it’s written or almost entirely written just in case things happen in my life and I just can’t get to writing on it. But I was really excited about this fic and wanted to post it as I went. And then the pandemic hit and all my creativity and writing drive disappeared. I do hope to continue it and make progress on it / finish it this year.

2. letting go sequel (commentary ask on the sequel)

It’s not secret that people have been wanting a sequel to this fic since basically the second I posted it. And to be totally honest here, I was a bit worried to write it back then because I knew it was going to be not as pro-Liv as I thought people wanted. I didn’t want to bash her or Aaron at all, but I was afraid that people would be really upset at me for daring to question Aaron or make him actually confront the fact that his sister got his boyfriend arrested and Aaron literally seemed to not understand why Robert was upset. And I was really new to writing in the fandom so I didn’t want to cause any disturbances. But now it’s been a few years and I no longer am that concerned about it. People who want to read it will, and those who don’t won’t. And if I get some drama and hate for it, well that’ll be exciting wouldn’t it? My last hateful anon was about Supernatural which was WILD.

3. 2017 rewrite where Robert finds out he’s got a secret kid after Aaron goes to prison.

So I’ve written a few snippets of this verse and just really love the idea of dad!Robert and thought that he was the perfect character to have a random kid turn up and turn everything upside down. So I wanted to write one and while there’s so many times that this will upset everything... I figured when Robert was frayed at the seams and Aaron’s in prison and Liv’s acting up was the perfect time for this kid (who’s Noah but not Charity’s kid cause I didn’t want to make up a new kid... *shrug*) to turn up. This is going to have a much healthier relationship between Liv and Robert because as much as she annoys me now, they had such potential in this storyline to actually build Robert and Liv up to being something of a father/daughter unit since they never were going to go there with Aaron. And the drama / tension for Aaron when he is released and for him to see that relationship and the relationship that Robert now has with this kid who Aaron doesn’t know... it’s my favorite kind of tension.

4. Pub Share AU

So it’s not really written in any real way, but the general idea is that Robert does end up buying Diane’s half of the pub in 2015-2016. This leads to Aaron and Robert sort of becoming friends of a sort even though Chas hates that Robert’s there. It’s just basically a small rewrite of the 2016 and trial era where they’re already friends and just the tension of living and working around someone you still have intense and complicated feelings for and sneaking around and the also slow burn of enemies (ish) to friends to lovers is just really good.

5. And I’m honestly probably going to end up writing a Supernatural fic because that’s just who I am now and what I’m about where Dean ends up adopting Claire and Jack in a non-hunter AU.

Look, I’m going to level with you all... I played The Witcher 3 this year and now all I care about is writing about kids being happy and my favorite characters learning to be fathers. I can’t help it... I just love the idea of this fic because I adore Claire. And after the resurgence of Supernatural in a sense, I remembered how much I love Dean (though he is hitting a bit closer to home now that I’m over 30... but we’re not going to get into that.)

So yeah... that’s that. It’s not really what it was supposed to be... but I answered it. That counts right?

I do have plans to work on and/or finish some of these this year but I cannot guarantee anything. I also am just going to let my inspiration and muse take me where it wants to go and work on whatever I want to work on in the moment. I might try to do some more wip wednesday snippets (when I actually start writing again) so anyone who follows me can see what I’m actually working on and just to try and get back into the habit of actually working on my stuff. 💖

#feel free to come and talk to me about any of this cause i do like hearing from people and want to write things people want to read #i sort of wish i'd written more this year but i really haven't #but i do like the idea i came up with and the things i want to work on in the future #robron #chatting about my writing #my writing #i'm gonna tag it here so it's all in one place

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literaryfaeriecorner · 3 years

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01/18/21: The Feeling, 2021, and a Bad Date

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January 18th, 2021

I've been trying to start (and maintain) a blog/online journal since I was ten or eleven years old. I have no idea why I think I'll actually maintain one now besides the fact that I actually believe that 2021 is going to be the start of some kind of serious change in my life? I don't know why I truly feel that this year is different. I tell myself that when I have a specific type of feeling it's not just me being weird, it's the universe or God or who/whatever telling me that something is definitely going to be different. So we'll see. I guess. And I guess I should be documenting it.

I'm a writer but, naturally, I don't write. So I should be doing that, too. Ideally. I have a goal for myself. I need to have three chapter of my main-WIP done by the end of January. Currently, I have literally nothing down yet since I've decided that it's no longer a YA fantasy and I'm switching the entire tone of the novel and I'm tackling bigger ideas like colonialism/gentrification. It's a faerie tale, naturally. Anyway, my goal is to have the entire manuscript done by the end of this year since I've been sitting on this story idea since sophomore year of college and it's time to finally get it out? Since I want to be a NYT bestselling author I should probably... do that? And another goal of mine is to write short(er) stories and essays and start submitting them to applications.

I've already started on that goal though. Late 2020 I entered a essay writing scholarship contest to officially start submitting original work. I haven't heard anything back since but I'm not (that) upset because I guess I'm not always going to hear a "no"/"we don't really like this," and I can't be a crybaby about it, I guess. Even though I definitely am a huge crybaby. But I'd rather get comfortable with rejection quick so that I am ready for the writing hurdles ahead. And rejection isn't nearly as bad as you imagine it (unless you're talking about love.........).

Speaking of rejection... I went on a date last Tuesday and it was ok, I guess? It was actually less than ok but...? It's probably what I deserve for going out on a date during a pandemic but, like... I guess I should explain why it was just 'ok?' I actually don't know. I mean, I do know but I'm not sure it really matters? First of all, he kind of turned me off before we even met. He asked me if I had a snapchat and I was like... "yes, but I don't use it?" He proceeded to ask for it anyway so I gave it to him and he sent me so many messages trying to get me to answer him (after I told him I didn't use it) and he irritated me so bad I ignored him for an entire day. I hate when men don't listen and they're overbearing before you even really know them. Like... dude, chill? Shut the fuck up and leave me alone. It was so irritating I'm getting annoyed just thinking about it. And every time I take too long to respond (I guess) he uses the iMessage message reacts on all of my previous messages to signal that I need to respond or something and it's so annoying. Like, I'm a grown ass woman. Don't do that to me. I'm either working or sleeping or ignoring you, take the fucking hint. Jesus, fuck.

He's also not a gentleman? He asked me about kinks???? Like... not even a week into texting? I know that's ok for some people but it's not ok with me and that's fine. We're not on the same wavelength because I do not want to date a man who jumps into sex talks before even knowing my fucking favorite color... Like, that's not gentlemanly at all. Please. I actually don't care if I sound old-fashioned or lame. I'm over pretending that I want/like things that I definitely do not.... He's also like not well-read at all... He didn't know who Toni Morrison was and, like... come on, bro. Toni Morrison? You don't know who Toni Morrison is??? Jesus, fuck. He's just all around not someone I would date seriously...

So why did I go on the date?

I am in love with a boy across the country and it's been literally killing me for three years at this point and I'm tired of being lame and weird over it and obviously getting over a guy takes more than going on bad dates with annoying men but please give me a break, I've got a lot going on... And to be honest I don't actually want to get over him? Remember when I was talking about the feeling I feel like..... He's my person. And I don't feel that this feeling is one-sided. Even though he hasn't said the feeling is mutual........ I think his story has to be an entirely different blog post because it's just three years of nonsense and how could I summarize it in half a paragraph??? I can't. So. Anyway, all you need to know right now is that I'm in love with a boy aaaaaaall the way across the fucking country and I think about him 24/7 and I want to be with him and know everything about him and live in his skin but I'm tired of letting this feeling stop me from being a fun, twenty-something in NYC so I'm trying to... stop the feeling? Ugh. Ok. So anyway. That's why I went on the stupid fucking date all the way in fucking Brooklyn that cost me $80 there and back that I regret with every fucking fiber of my fucking being. Fuck.

The date itself was not the issue. If the date had ended where it began, with the average Mexican food place, it probably would've been fine and I might have considered a second date. He's not bad with conversation and he was fun to flirt with and the date was no pressure and I felt really cool and sexy and I haven't felt like that in forever because fuck the pandemic. I mean, he wasn't as hot as his insta pics would leave one to believe but I think that's because I literally am disgusted with facial hair on most men and he was breaking out super badly. I know that's, like, really shallow but I don't know. Whatever. I'm being honest on my own blog. Sue me. Anyway, the thing I regret is after the date..... UGH. First... I never ever do anything sexual on first dates. Not because I'm morally against it or anything, I just am not comfortable. Like... I have to be completely comfortable with men to do anything beyond kissing and heavy petting usually. Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to see his super-cool, totally-Brooklyn, super-brand-new studio apartment that's also like a fucking art gallery... And I should've said no but... I'm literally a fucking idiot.

Anyway, we get there and the apartment is super fucking cool. And we're vibing with music or whatever and we're having this fake argument over... something. And we start kissing... that's fine. I really love kissing. I don't mind it... But then... oh my fucking God, he hikes my shorts up SO far (SN: yes, I was wearing shorts in the dead of NYC wintertime but they were really hot leather shorts and I had knee-high boots on so... it was hot) and starts fingering me????? FIRST, I DIDN'T GIVE HIM PERMISSION SO WHAT THE ENTIRE FUCK and second, I WAS NOT WET AT ALLLLLLL YET SO HE LITERALLY JAMMED HIS FINGERS INTO MY PUSSY COMPLETELY DRY AND IT LITERALLY WAS SO PAINFUL AND HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING. IT WAS SO FUCKING ANNOYING, PLEASEEEEEEE. And,THIRD, HE DIDN'T DISINFECT OR WASH HIS FUCKING HANDS FIRST! LIKE, PLEASE, ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE MY PUSSY CORONA? FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUCK! It was ridiculous.

So I tell him to stop and he doesn't immediately. He's still sticking around in there for like five seconds more. And I'm like, MOVE, YOU ASS. And it sucks. It REALLY sucks... And since I'm a huge idiot (and also drunk) I don't immediately leave. We make out a bit more and he start randomly choking me and I'm like...... PLEASE STOP? First of all, I'm not a BDSM kind of gal but isn't that a thing that you DISCUSS before doing? Shit. And, also, I'm never gonna be a rough sex type of gal. Honestly. I like to be praised and petted and adored and touched sweetly. I'm not with all that rough-house shit. Blah blah vanilla blah blah, don't care. I don't like being roughed up in bed or anywhere else. So at this point, I'm like.... dude, you're fucking annoying.

Anyway, guys are fucking dumb and he apologized a lot and walked me out or whatever but I was over it. And now that that happened I'm definitely, for sure, not into him. He asked me to go back over to his place this weekend.... And I didn't immediately feel like having the "we should definitely not ever see each other again" talk so I told him I was in Philly with friends. He texted me today and I just ignored it... I'll send him a text in the morning I guess but I hate having that talk with men. I'd rather just ghost. But it's 2021 now and I don't want bad romantic karma... God knows I have enough of that.

Anyway... I'm actually super exhausted and I have... [shivers] work tomorrow. From home. In my bed... But it's still exhausting, believe it or not. God. Anyway, this was very therapeutic so I'll probably do this again definitely. Either way, I will be forcing myself to write here regularly because that's how you build good habits??? I wouldn't know anything about that. That's just what I've read.

#first post #stream of conscious #bad date #pandemic drama #new start #new year

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lyricalt · 6 years

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2017 fic round up + annual fic meme

It’s that time again, folks. Let’s see the damage.

THE LIST

*drabble/stuff under 1k words +wip

Boku No Hero Academia

Tell - inatodo

Destiny

hardcase* - implied andal brask/cayde-6

a code of you - original character: sol-6

Gamble* - andal brask/Cayde-6

Integrate

got a feel for you* - post-canon seep - pre-canon

Overwatch

R76

feel something*

Fourth Date Stuff

Prompt: cut*

punchline

GEN / MISC.

a priori - time travel, Reaper&Gabriel Reyes

gift for gift - gen - Reaper, Widowmaker, Ana Amari, Jack Morrison (mentioned)

all his cards you want to touch - Jesse McCree (Vigilante)/Jesse McCree (Riverboat)

cross your heart and hope - Destiny AU: has mcgenji, implied r76. Too lazy to link to individual pieces on ao3, so I only linked the ones only on tumblr.

Showteam+

Trigger happy

of all just fools - Destiny 2 AU

MCGENJI

not far from home vantage make you sway Prompt: rainy day* Prompt: surprise* must be love cut* devil gave me a crooked start down and doubt - (background implied r76) on your mark+ - AU where genji is a motorcycle and mccree is a mechanic. serial never had much faith (in love or miracles)* Carry case of six wake up calls: 1, 2, 3 Beach drabbles: 1, 2, 3 like you would to a point, to your knees damned if you do - incubus mccree/oni genji sun steel / soul intersect count to three triple threat+ Prompt: kiss on the back of the hand*

Total number of completed stories: 33, excluding drabbles and some prompts.

Total word count: AO3 stats say around 56,500. I’ll ballpark it 60,000.

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?

I wrote more words and more fic this year, but a bunch of it were very short stories! Shorter than my usual, I think. I am also very in love with the Destiny AU so I think that had a lot to do with my high word count. I also wrote a lot on the side I never posted, ahaha. I think I was very distracted this year by too many fandoms/ideas. Ah well.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

Nah. I’m predictable. I’m still side-eyeing the genji-as-a-motorcycle AU though. I did that?

What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?

CARRY. It was Carry. I loved writing that stupid fic. It was so dumb but I feel so vindictive and about it because I wrote it to have fun and also to express some exasperation about a couple of mcgnj tropes I felt were kinda not-my-thing. BUT!! it makes me happy that a lot of other people enjoyed it too and also @vfordii drew THIS.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I don’t feel like I took any huge risks. I am pretty comfortable with the subject matter I write (--though I think it’s more of a matter of motivation and sticking to it). I, uh, did write some bottom/sub mccree which is somehow not all that popular within the mcgenji fandom and let me tell you this was hugely a case of “if no one will write it then I will but I will complain about it for the entire time”. I wouldn’t consider it a risk though, but I did learn a bit about how to comfortably write dirty talk without needing it to be explicitly written. I don’t think it shows up a lot in my current fics but I’ve been taking note of what sounds right to me vs how much I want to write, if that makes sense.

Also for the record all my mcgnj fic is implied sexual dynamic sub/bottom mccree, like, in the case it ever happens. (I’m kidding. Or am I. I am. (Not really.) No, I’m dead serious.)

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year?

Finish the damn fics I start, why don’t I!!!!! (This is a constant goal.)

I do want to write some fandom stories for original characters. I also want to write more explicit fic without shaming myself out of it. What are the nastywords all the hip young adults are using nowadays? I don’t know and I get conflicting reports, but by god I will try to learn.

My best story of this year

Hardcase, which is admittedly a small drabble but I think.. it holds very well under Destiny 2, despite my frustration with how Cayde is portrayed in comparison to the Destiny 1. I’ve always had this specific opinion about Cayde and his mysterious (and not so mysterious) agendas. Dude definitely has a hero complex and this fic sorta toes into it. Plus, I like any Cayde angst related to Andal.

I feel like, out of all my fics this felt the most complete, and one that I was most satisfied with what I wanted to convey with a limited amount of words. I’m aware that I’m not… really made for longer stories, so I guess… I like to play to my strengths? And this was it.

My most popular story

According to AO3 hits and kudos, it was make you sway, another mcgenji fic that started with the same motivation as carry. I think.. it’s obvious… that I, uh, like writing a specific brand of Horny McCree, in that he’s not so much embarrassed by his attraction to Genji but just slightly exasperated by it (and his timing). And, haha, also Genji not being 100% on top of his libido is a nice change of pace too. I remember having fun with this!!

Story of mine most under-appreciated, in my opinion

feel something is one I’m super fond of. It’s very short, but I feel like it’s my best r76 fic in terms of the relationship I want to portray, especially post-Overwatch. I like the way I wrote it; in my opinion it was very to-the-point, and doesn’t have the happy ending they don’t quite deserve (yet) but in my mind it’s still a very positive fic without being too idealistic? Not that either way is bad, it was just something different for me, personally.

Most fun story to write

devil gave me a crooked start was a fic I pulled right outta my ass but wrote it all in one sitting after I came up with a couple of lines of dialogue; “So I’m stuck in the future,” “Would you like to know the future you?”, etc etc. It helped that Blizzard had just released McCree’s Blackwatch skin (WITH THE BLACK LEATHER CHAPS!!!!) and while I wasn’t comfortable about Blackwatch Genji having any sort of romantic relationship with Blackwatch McCree, I was sure as heck willing for Present-Day!Genji having some good nasty fun with a younger McCree.

Also I had a stupid amount of fun writing triple threat: genji/genji/genji, and I’m now just seeing a pattern that I enjoy writing characters being humorously turned on and having fun getting their rocks off, so there’s that. What a revelation.

Most Sexy Story

God im sorry but I wrote a mcgenji week drabble about blackwatch genji and mccree beating the shit out of each other and it’s the opposite of romantic and definitely not meant to BE romantic, but fighting can be sexy without being horny, right?? RIGHT???

Story with the single sexiest moment

to a point, to your knees.

It takes a huge effort for McCree to sit still after that, spine tingling and heat crawling over his body. The switchblade knife in Genji’s hand spins once in a little flourish, drawing McCree’s gaze to it.

His attention caught, Genji places the blade at his thumb and forefinger. He slides the knife between them once to no effect, then another time. McCree can hear the grating metal against each other and then the hiss of steam, knife edge still wet with spit from when McCree had held it on his tongue.

“Shall we see how sharp your mouth is now?” Genji asks, running the knife through his fingers once last time.

Genji sharpening McCree’s knife with his fingers and McCree getting hot (literally, metaphorically) and bothered by it is a personal achievement. For me or McCree, that’s up for debate.

Though I have to admit I’m absolutely still pissed about not titling the fic “cut to the feeling” instead because that’s a far better name for a knife kink fic an also my third favorite carly rae jepsen song.

Most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story

I don’t think anyone was surprised about even my most wildest fic. I think a friend of mine was initially disappointed that the knife kink fic was tagged for “mild blood” instead of straight up bloodplay. I’m sorry.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters

I never quite like this question because I always have a good idea of how I want to portray a character in fic since most of my fics tend to lean on the introspective side of things. down and doubt is a very McCree-centered fic that deals with Gabriel, as well as Genji in relation to Gabriel. I wanted to show a lot of things about how McCree and Genji fight together, and what each of them thinks about the whole Gabriel Reyes = Reaper thing. I didn’t hit all the points, and I unfortunately had to scrub a scene off that I definitely want to rework in another fic, but I think I had the basics… present in the fic. I guess what did surprise me was touching on Soldier: 76, though the dynamics between him and McCree is another thing I want to write about for a later fic.

Hardest story to write

Intersect , mostly because the later half was such a visual story I had wanted to tell in a form that wasn’t all writing. I think It would have done better as a comic but what can u do? I still very much like the first half, which I had rattling in my head for the last year and a half, really.

I was aiming to write about McCree having hang-ups about Genji, and how he views himself—a washed out mercenary with no clear goals, in comparison to Genji, who’s off in a better headspace than him but still interested in McCree anyway. And it’s not so much a reunion fic I wanted to show but a story where it’s just ok to try and reacquaint yourselves with someone who might be a new person to you. I think. I very much did not want it to be a reunion fic.

Most disappointing

Intersect!!!!!!!! It was so jumpy!!!! I had a lot of expectations for it!!!! I wanted it to be so much!!!! In the end I just gave up trying to make the words all fit and banged out the rest of the story and let it go. I’m still upset it didn’t come out the way I wanted it but I think it was better to just post the damn thing rather than let it rot in my drive forever. I felt better for posting it but I don’t think I can reread it anytime soon.

Easiest story to write

I lot of fics that fall into this category were the drabbles like Wake Up Calls. I really like writing about mundane moments and little glimpses of a developing relationship, especially for mcgenji, because my headcanon of them consists of a bunch of little moments that somehow build up into a rolling romance that sneaks up on both of them. I think it’s why I have such a hard time writing one long cohesive fic about them. There just isn’t a Big Ah-Ha Moment for them to me? I guess? I guess. I’m rambling!!

Biggest surprise

That I continued the mcgenji motorcycle AU, honestly. I love it to pieces and it’s fun but god do I think it’s such a chore writing the build up leading to the parts I WANT to write in the first place!!!!!

Most unintentionally telling story

gift for gift started out as a very Gabriel Reyes-centric story but somehow I got passionate about Widowmaker and so it’s also very much about her as well and how she functions within her lack of autonomy. I wanted to explore Gabriel’s motivations/drive to push forward without mentioning just what, exactly, he was going for, which was surprisingly very easy.

Story I’d like to revise

Intersect, not so much revising it but revisiting some of the themes and concepts, especially about McCree. I’ve talked enough about this fic. Anyway.

Story I didn’t write but will at some point, I swear

Well. It’s more of a WIP at this stage but I want to write my epic 100k, 50 chaptered Guardian/Fallen romance fic for Destiny but we’ll see how that goes? Mostly I’m waiting on Bungie because I’m so dry on Bungie lore and I have no idea what the House of Dusk is up to and that’s kinda important to my story—which is, not really at all, but I would LIKE to make sure.

Anyway, that’s a wrap for my 2017 fics. Thanks for reading and all the encouragement! I hope to write more entertaining stories for 2018!! :’)

#thank you to everyone who supported me and encouraged me #and all the nice tags and comments too!!!#fic round up #fic 2017 #also this was an html nightmare pls pray for this awful post

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kittenshift-17 · 7 years

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Drowning

*sigh*

I KNEW someone would say something when I posted a new fic. Readers can't resist dumping on an author and making them feel like dirt.

I'm frankly offended at the notion that I "don't update the stories I already have out there often enough." I update across more stories with more frequency than almost every other author out there. The first chapter of Tethered was my 113th update since my birthday in January. I've updated, roughly, 120 times this year to date. That's an average of 13.5 times a month. Most authors barely manage to update once or twice a month. I update plenty. They fact that I have several WIPs and try to juggle them all at once means that some do have long stints between updates, but they nonetheless DO all get updated. Out of the 48 fics I've currently shared, only 3 of those currently marked as WIPs haven't been updated this year.

As for losing inspriation, the answer is yes. I tend to find an idea, run with an idea, write it out to a certain point, and then get distracted. Sometimes it's a lack of interest in the direction the plot takes. Sometimes it's an abundance of pressure from readers nagging me for more when I get to the point where everything I'd prewritten is gone and I'm updating chapter by chapter and I get people PMing me asking if I've "abandoned the story", and "why I'm so shit" and "why am I not updating every single second" because instant gratification is something readers have come to expect despite the fact that writing out the chapters takes time. Sometimes it's a lack of focus or the time to actually write about the epic length novels all of them will likely, eventually be.

If I could write them all in 50k words like I did for "Bewitch, Ensnare" I'd be thrilled. But I can't, and I don't, and it's either share what I have and prove that just because I haven't updated a favourite of any given reader in a while, doesn't mean I've abandoned fanfic or given up on writing or am holding chapters hostage hoping for more reviews. Sometimes I just can't be bloody bothered to work on the story that particular day or I get to a bit that's hard to write because the scene makes me uncomfortable or the plot turns in a direction I don't like and so I work on something else for a while.

As a reader, I empathize with my own fans knowing that waiting for more on something I really like is frustrating. But as a writer I know that 5000 words don't just fall out of my fingers every single second and real life sometimes means having to go to work, and having to make money and buy food and see friends and suffer through family dinners. And since they haven't yet shared the technology with the populous that let's people just think a story into existence rather than needing to bother with all this infernal typing, I have to find the time and the energy to work on something and when I've got people breathing down my neck screaming for more it doesn't encourage me. It upsets me and I start to sweat and I know that if it's not at least 5k long every bloody chapter and nothing of consequence happens I'll be accused of writing filler chapters and I'll be told I wasted a chapter and told how disappointed everyone is because it's not fucking good enough and then I get upset and to feel better I work on something else. Something I haven't shared and something no one is going to make me feel like shit over.

And then I post that thing when it's going really well because, hey, it worked with Bewitch, Ensnare and maybe it'll happen again, and it's a never ending cycle and in short, I don't like being reminded by readers that "Hey, you're great but fuck you for not finishing this thing I love. Let me make sure you know what a shit-cunt you are by emailing you and reminding you that all that effort you've already put in means fuck all because I want MORE! NOW! What's taking so long? Gods, you're such a loser and a flake and I'm not reading you anymore until you finish things because I hate the wait and don't like being let down by such a failure. Fuck you."

But readers don't see it that way. They just see it as "politely" inquiring as though an author hasn't been asked the same questions a hundred times already and think, "Well, someone SHOULD say something. It'll make her write faster." But it doesn't. It makes me mad and it makes me cry and it makes me want to say fuck all y'all and delete everything I've ever written before hiding in my bedroom and watching too much Outlander to be healthy and writing fanfics I'll never share because if I pop my head up ever again SOMEONE will be there with a whack-bat to remind me that I never finished that thing they liked.

In short, yes. I lose inspiration. I get swamped by nerves and bad feelings over this thing that's supposed to be fun for me and the solution, one might think, would be to not publish things until their finished, but I tried that too and I quit writing fanfiction for an entire year, so it doesn't work and I won't be doing it. And so I update whatever strikes my fancy enough to get some chapters written and I put up with the nagging and the abuse and the "But... you're shit for not posting as soon as I'm ready to read more" and I bitch to my author friends about how being nagged is a nightmare and I know that if I mention this message to them they'll empathize with me and talk about how readers are ungrateful and at least one will say "Yeah, but you KNEW that would happen if you posted a new fic." And I did know. As soon as I saw that I had a PM sitting in my inbox, I KNEW it would be in complaint over starting something new with so much old still incomplete.

And all I can do is shrug and say "Thanks for thinking my writing's spectacular." And I'll quietly go back to my keyboard for my fics and I'll stare at the screen awhile and mutter to myself about showing everyone about how I "Don't update enough" even though I'm already killing myself and using every spare minute to post as much as I do. Literally. I write my fics on my lunch break and my toilet breaks at work. I write them on the bus. I write them in the car when someone else is driving me to some event I don't want to attend all to stave off messages like this one, and then the messages come, just the same. And so I'll probably start another new fic I haven't shared yet, because Lord knows the pressure for the shared ones is like never-ending heartburn, and the cycle will start over and next week I'll have someone else complaining that I don't update often enough and that I should finish what I start.

And to you, as you read this, this will seem like an overreaction and "Woah, she's bitching me out" but the fact is that no one gets how goddamn hard it is to meet the demand of readers when they're so frequently ungrateful. And I know that there are those among my fans that I adore who read and review everything I write and who assure me that they'll wait because they love me and they GET IT, but there are so many who don't that I'm drowning, and I'm not alone. All us authors are here, drowning, and we can't save each other and we can't save ourselves unless we pull ourselves from these Grindylow infested waters and never stray from the shore again, but we're brave and we keep trying to tread water and the waves keep coming and gods, we need to catch a breath, but even that will feel like "have you abandoned this?" and I'm sorry, but a "Yay for the new fic" wouldn't have killed you, but this "I want more of that other thing you didn't finish yet" just might kill me.

xx-Kitten

#sorry not sorry

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