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kpopfanfictrash · 7 years

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Binary Star (VI)

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: You / Jaebum / Mark

Rating: PG

Word Count: 3,738

Summary: “In some cases, these close binary systems can exchange mass, which may bring their evolution to stages that single stars cannot attain.”

You and Jaebum have been dating forever when Mark Tuan shows up in your classroom. You’ve always been against change - a bit debilitating, being a writer - but for some reason this new kid has you thinking there might be an upside to chaos.

The only other person who makes you feel this way is Jaebum.

Realizing this, you gasp. Quickly yanking your hand from Mark’s. “I have to go,” you say, tripping over the words.

Mark’s expression is unreadable as slowly, he nods. “Okay,” he says.

Your hand trembles pushing open the car door. Shoving it aside to scramble to your feet. “I – bye,” you manage, barely getting the word past your lips.

You don’t look back as you enter your house. Don’t look back as you slam the door behind you. You take the stairs two at a time, rushing into your room and throwing your purse on your bed. When you do so, your phone falls from your inner pocket. There’s a small, green box on your screen.

Jaebum texted back.

Jaebum’s text blinks in bright, mocking letters.

Jaebum: Hey, babe. Sorry I couldn’t text before now! [8:20 PM]

You clench your phone, fighting the urge to throw it across the room. It’s been nearly twenty-four hours since you last saw him. Twenty-four hours since the end of your anniversary – the one Jaebum left to hang out with his band. Now almost an entire day has passed and this is all he can say?

Falling backwards on your bed, you feel suddenly exhausted. Taking a deep breath in and concentrating on the collapse and expanse your lungs. Your head spins as you struggle to come to terms with today. You like Mark. Like him as more than an acquaintance, more than a friend. You’re not sure how that’s possible, when you have Jaebum.

Jaebum – who doesn’t even know you saw Mark today.

Some of your anger deflates. Jaebum never liked Mark and you always wondered why – but maybe this was the reason. Maybe he understood deep down that Mark liked you and was jealous. Rubbing your hands roughly over your face, you sigh. It’s hard to even determine when this began.

You liked Mark the first time you met him. He’s fun, easy to talk with. Offers great advice, listens to you when you speak, and – you freeze. Mark has been everything Jaebum used to be and realizing this, you allow your hands to fall on the bedspread. Mark responds to your texts. Notices when you’re upset and asks you why.

Mark is also … Mark.

He’s different from Jaebum – a thought that in itself makes you wince. You’ve always been the type who watches romantic comedies and throws popcorn at the screen. Yelling emphatically whenever the girl or guy can’t make up their mind. You can recall several movie nights with Jaebum spent this way, his arm around your shoulder and yours around his waist.

“It’s that guy!” you’d fume, much to Jaebum’s amusement. “Of course it is! He’s been there through everything with her – and his damn face is on the box.”

Jaebum would laugh, rubbing your arm as you leaned against him. “Yeah, sure. She doesn’t know his face is on the box, though.”

These moments are vividly clear now. Before, you thought that love was simple. Once you’re in, you never fall out. Only an egregious error or fault could force you free. You never thought of love as something alive, something which needs constant care and attention and you realize that you haven’t been paying attention to your love for some time now.

This is what you keep coming back to. No matter how fantastic Mark is, liking him means nothing if things between you and Jaebum are fine. Tears prick the corners of your eyes as feebly, you smooth hair behind the corner of one ear.

The question of what now keeps crossing your mind, a question you have no idea how to answer. Now that you know – do you just ignore your feelings? You could pretend that nothing has happened, pretend and hope this crush on Mark goes away. One thing you know for sure is your friendship with Mark is over. Now that you know, now that he knows – things will never be the same.

Your gaze finds your window, where both the sun and Mark have long since disappeared. The street outside is deserted, empty except for streetlights and cars. A sudden determination overtakes your body and you find yourself standing. Dialing Jaebum’s number and pacing until he answers.

“Y/N?”

He sounds nervous and you recall that he probably thinks you’re mad.

“I’m so sorry,” he blurts. “I lost track of time and –"

Pushing all this aside, you interrupt him. “Can I see you?” Your eyes drift shut. “Can I come over?”

Jaebum falls silent and you wonder why until he starts to laugh. “Of course,” he breathes. “I was just thinking it’s been too long since you’ve been here.”

He’s right. Your mind scrambles trying to think of the last time and all you can come up with is that far away afternoon right before school started. Jaebum sitting on his bed, playing the guitar while you read on his lap. “Be right there,” you mumble, shutting your phone.

Throwing your stuff in one bag, you throw this over your shoulder. Thudding downstairs to wave goodbye to your mom. “Heading over to Jaebum’s,” you call, just like the million times before.

Your mom barely nods as she turns a page in her book. “Be back by midnight,” is all she says.

You nod as you exit. Robbie has taken the car, which means you’re with your bike tonight. Not that you mind – this gives you more time to think. Think of what to say, while you pedal the familiar streets to Jaebum’s house. Neighborhood trees and houses drift by, watching you with judgmental eyes.

You’re slightly calmer, able to think reasonably about the whole situation. Does it really matter that you have a crush on Mark? Lots of people get crushes, even when they’re in love with somebody else. You do love Jaebum, have loved him for years. That kind of thing doesn’t just go away. As you pedal harder, the spokes of your wheels echo your mind.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Shaking away the tears which threaten to fall, you slow your speed. You don’t want to appear too upset or out of breath seeing Jaebum. You wonder if you should even tell him at all, since you have no intention of doing anything with Mark. There’s zero chance of you leaving Jaebum for another guy.

Just the thought of leaving makes your chest hurt. Leaving would be as incomprehensible as stopping breathing. Jaebum is part of you. You know him better than anyone, you know that he feels the same.

But then there’s Mark. Your stomach sinks thinking about never speaking to him again. His friendship has meant so much this fall. With him you’ve been fearless, confident and courageous. Things you never really felt you were lacking in, until you met him. True, you realized most of this on your own. But in a way, that’s what makes Mark so special – it’s he who led you there.

Mark was the one who convinced you to apply as an English major. He understood when you felt guilty for Jaebum’s success. Convinced you to push your boundaries, time and time again. Now that you think about it though, he didn’t outright tell you to do anything. Just presented you your options and showed you what you could be. Mark does this kind of thing so easily.

As you slow outside of Jaebum’s house, your feet fall from your pedals. Strangely, it’s Mr. Davis’ lecture that comes to mind and you dizzyingly recall his words on star systems. At the time you remember feeling that a singular star system was Jaebum. A force unto himself, the thing which pulls you onward.

Then there are binary stars. Caught in a slow dance, each one stabilizing the other. Existing just to feed, to support one another. Mark Tuan is a binary star.

Locking your bike in front of the house, you slowly make your way to the door. Listening to the noise of running footsteps as you ring the doorbell. The door flies open to reveal your boyfriend’s grin. “Y/N,” he sighs, laughing when you run into him for a hug. “Ooh – okay.”

His arms wrap around you soundly, kissing the top of your head. “Hi,” you exhale, looking up. “It’s good to see you.”

“Come in.” Jaebum’s hand finds yours, pulling you forward. “Mom, dad,” he calls. “Y/N is here! We’re going upstairs.”

“Hello Mrs. Im,” you wave, smiling to greet Jaebum’s mother. You ignore his attempts at pulling you onwards. “I hope your night is going well.”

Jaebum’s mom looks up, setting her book aside. She breaks into a smile when she sees you – Jaebum’s parents have always liked you. “Y/N,” she says. “It’s been a while since we’ve seen you.”

Her words only serve to harden the knot in your stomach. “Yes, I suppose that’s true.” Your words are soft.

Jaebum’s hand tightens on yours. “Yep, it’s been a long time. Y/N and I are going to watch a movie, Mom.”

She nods, her voice following as you’re pulled upstairs. “Let me know when you leave Y/N, and I’ll turn on the alarm!”

“Okay!” Jaebum calls, opening the door to his room.

His family has always been very trusting. There’s not many other couples who are allowed to hang out alone in their boyfriend’s room. You and Jaebum have always been so stable though, acted so openly that it’s never been an issue.

The two of you have never even had sex. You asked him to wait – for what, you’re not sure. The right moment maybe, the right time. Not the right guy – that was never the question. Jaebum is the right guy.

Jaebum flops onto his back on his bed, peering at you from upside down. “What are you doing,” he grumbles, draping one arm over his face. “Get over here.”

Dropping your bag, you climb on the bed beside him. Lying in the crook of his arm and resting your head on his chest. “Jaebum,” you ask, fingers trailing his shirt. “Are you happy?”

Jaebum stills. “What?” He sounds suddenly uncertain. “What do you mean?”

You roll to face him, dropping your chin on his chest. Jaebum looks back, chest slowly rising and falling. Your heart thuds, nauseous at what you know you’re about to say. “It was our anniversary.” You watch, as his face falls. “It was our anniversary and you just left. I know,” you interrupt, talking over whatever he was going to say. “I know I said it was okay. But Jaebum… why did I have to say that it wasn’t?”

Jaebum doesn’t respond. When you look away, no longer able to meet his gaze, he exhales. “I – I know,” he mumbles. “I know it was wrong.”

“I wanted to celebrate,” you say, you voice catching. Tears threatening to spill from the corners of your eyes. “Whenever anything good happens, you’re always the first person I want to tell.”

“I know. It’s the same for me, too.” Jaebum’s voice is tight. “Of course you’re the one I want to tell.”

He didn’t last night though, which makes your stomach twist. “You didn’t even talk to me,” you whisper, the back of your eyes burning. “I know that you wanted to spend time with the band, I know that you were celebrating. But – for a whole day?”

Jaebum’s hands slowly find your face. He touches your cheeks, turning you to look at him. Once you are he sits up, bringing you with to sit in his lap. Your legs drape to either side while Jaebum’s arms wrap around you. A lone tear spills onto his sweater, unable to hold it in any longer.

You use the occasion to wipe your nose on his sweatshirt and Jaebum chuckles. “Gross,” he whispers, the word soft against your hair. “Y/N.” His tone changes. “I was wrong,” he admits, arms tightening. “I’m so sorry I left. I missed you last night, it wasn’t the same without you there.”

His words serve to ease some tension, but not all. “It’s not just that,” you sigh, pulling back. “When was the last time I even came over? When was the last time we talked, really talked?”

Jaebum blinks back at you. “What are we doing right now?”

“You know what I mean,” you smile. A smile, which falters halfway there. “Did you even know I applied to college?”

Jaebum hesitates. “I – well. Of course you did – of course I knew.”

“What major?” It’s a test, one you know he won’t pass.

Jaebum continues to stare at you until slowly, carefully, his hands fall from your back. “I don’t know what to say,” he admits, the words pained.

You sigh, continuing to look at him. “Neither do I.”

A furrow appears over his eyebrows. “It’s just been so busy, with the band and the concert and the record deal.”

You nod, chest tightening. “I know,” you say, fingers playing with his hem. “But it’s not going to get any easier. Is it?”

Jaebum shakes his head, hands finding your hips. “That doesn’t matter,” he says, stubborn as always.

“Jaebum.” Your eyes lift to his. “What if –"

Shaking his head no, Jaebum cuts you off. “Nope,” he says, eyes flashing. “I don’t care how busy the band makes me – I will make time for you.”

His words should be reassuring but they’re not. He hasn’t been able to make time thus far, why should things be different later on? You know Jaebum means well, know he’s trying, but this is something he can’t promise you.

Instead of arguing, you wrap your arms around his waist. Nodding against his chest while his body relaxes beneath yours.

“Okay.” Your voice is quiet. “If that’s what you really want. I just don’t want to hold you back, Jaebum. I want you to be honest with me.”

Against your body, he exhales. “You’re not holding me back.”

When you nod, his hands find your chin. Raising you to look at him. “What?” you ask, finally smiling.

“I just wanted to look at you,” he confesses, bending for a kiss. His lips are gentle, hardening slowly as time goes on. He shifts beneath you, pulling you closer. Pressing upwards while your legs fall to either side.

There’s a hard, almost desperate edge to his kisses. Something which scares you, since normally Jaebum is teasing, taking his time with you. This feels like he wants every bit, every part of you and you aren’t sure why. He’s trying to memorize the feel of you, the press of your body.

Winding your hands in his hair, you find you’re just as eager. Heart feeling as though it might burst and you don’t know why. Everything Jaebum said was right. Everything he said was good. So why does it feel like he’s saying goodbye?

His kisses trail your jawline, sliding to your neck before pulling back. Chest rising and falling while he catches his breath. “I love you,” he says, thumb tracing your cheek. “I will always love you.”

Your heart contracts. “I love you too, Jaebummie.”

He smiles, not bothering to tell you off at the nickname. “Only you,” he groans, sliding you from his lap to roll off the bed. “Only you get to call me that.”

Laughing softly, you watch him pad towards his bathroom. “I’m going to tell Jackson,” you tease, flopping onto your back. “He’s going to be so jealous, your drums will probably be off-tempo for a week.”

Jaebum laughs. You hear him walking into bathroom, listen to him stumble over something. “Y/N,” he moans. Laughing while bending over. “I just stepped on your phone. You should really put it farther in your purse, or I –"

“What?” Turning to face him, you almost laugh at his threat. “You’ll what?” Laughter which dies at the look on his face. Jaebum is holding your phone in the palm of his hand, staring blankly down at the screen. Your heart beats faster. “What is it?” you ask, pushing to a sitting position. “Jaebum, what’s wrong?”

Though his lips move, no sound comes out and finally, he glances over. “Why,” Jaebum asks, his voice suddenly cold. “Is Mark texting you this?”

When Jaebum tosses you your phone, you catch it fumblingly. Swiping right to see the whole text and when you read, you wince.

Mark: Hey, Y/N. I meant what I said today. I know it was a lot to hear but I hope you figure out what you want. Either way, thank you for today…. x [9:05 PM]

After reading his message, you slowly let go of your phone. Glancing up at Jaebum, who’s still staring in shock. “Jaebum,” you murmur, watching his expression twist. “I can explain.”

Jaebum takes a step back to point at the phone. “What did he say?” he demands, blinking. “Today. What is Mark talking about, what did he say?”

The look on his face freezes you. One of your legs is placed halfway on the floor, the other knee still on his covers. For a moment you consider lying. Mark could have said anything. He could have confessed something personal and unromantic – something which has absolutely nothing to do with you. Jaebum never needs to know.

Just thinking this makes you feel ashamed and angry and slowly, you drop your head. Jaebum already knows, anyways. You can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes. “He told me he likes me,” you confess, voice quiet.

Jaebum doesn’t move, though his jaw tightens. “And?”

“And what?” you ask, looking back up at him.

“And,” Jaebum says, gaze like steel. “Do you have feelings for him?”

You pause. Staring from his bed, aware suddenly that the moment has gone on for much longer than it should have. You’ve taken too much time to answer, let the silence go on for too long. Jaebum takes another step back. Looking at his hands and shaking his head slowly in disbelief.

“I can’t,” he pauses, pushing a hand through his hair. Exhaling deeply. “I just – why.” He sounds broken, confused.

“Jaebum,” you blurt, finding yourself suddenly able to move. Rushing forward, just barely keeping yourself from touching. Folding your arms tightly over your chest so that you don’t. “I didn’t do anything,” you insist, tears forming. “It’s just a crush – people in relationships get crushes, it doesn’t mean anything. I love you, Jaebum,” you say, voice firm. “I want to be with you.”

Jaebum half-laughs. Closing his eyes and shaking his head. “Just a crush?” he asks, the words hollow. “But Mark likes you too, Y/N.”

“So?” Your chin lifts defensively. “So what if he likes me - I love you. It’s not comparable.”

Slowly, Jaebum’s eyes open. “Why didn’t you tell me,” he asks, voice raw. “Why didn’t you just tell me you had feelings for him?”

“I didn’t know,” you say. It’s the truth – you didn’t. “I didn’t think, didn’t realize until Mark told me this afternoon.”

Jaebum’s lips quirk as he looks away. “Right. He told you today. What was today even, Y/N?”

“I, well.” Slowly you exhale, dropping your arms. “Today I went skydiving with Mark.”

Jaebum’s head whips around so quickly, you think you hear something crack. “You what?” he gasps.

It’s not funny. Not funny and everything is falling apart but for some reason, you can’t help the hysterical giggle that escapes. Call it madness, call it whatever you want, but you lower your head to your hands, body shaking.

“God, this is so messed up,” you groan. “I went skydiving. I went skydiving because I wanted to do something crazy for once. I’m always the safe one, always the one who waits. Today I wanted to be the one doing something. Not the one who sitting around, waiting for her boyfriend to text her back.”

When you look back up, Jaebum looks as though you’ve slapped him. “I don’t,” he says, before stopping. “You don’t – you aren’t the safe one, Y/N.”

“Oh, really?” you half-laugh, turning to sit on his bed. “I always do what’s expected. I never go outside my comfort zone. I couldn’t even say no when you said that you wanted to leave on our anniversary to hang out with friends.”

Jaebum winces. “I, yeah. Okay. That was bad.” He pauses as understanding dawns on his face. “Is that why you hung out with Mark today? Because of what I…” Jaebum trails off, looking stricken.

“It wasn’t just that,” you shake your head. “I was angry at you but mostly I just wanted to do something. Something that wasn’t sitting around. I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of that lately.”

Jaebum takes a tentative step forward, expression blank but calmer than before. He sits on the bed as well, exhaling slowly. “I suppose we’ve messed up, haven’t we? When… when did things become so complicated,” he mutters.

You glance sideways. “Nothing happened, Jaebum. Mark told me he likes me and held my hand. Then I pulled away and I left. That was it.”

Though Jaebum closes his eyes, he faintly smiles. “I know you didn’t do anything, Y/N,” he says, voice trembling slightly. “I’m not mad at you.”

“You – you’re not?”

“No.” Turning, Jaebum opens his eyes. His long fingers finding yours to wrap around them. “This is the longest we’ve talked in so long,” he whispers. “The most open we’ve been in so long. A lot of it is my fault,” he admits, glancing down. “I’ve been… wrapped up in other things, I haven’t thought about us at all.”

His confession isn’t new. You knew but somehow hearing him say this, loosens some of the pain in your chest. “I’m sorry, too,” you say, the words quiet. “I should have said something sooner.”

“Come here.” Jaebum sighs, pulling you into his arms to rest his head on top of yours. “Earlier,” he repeats, his voice quiet. “You asked me if I was happy.”

“I did,” you nod.

“You make me happy,” Jaebum says, fingers rubbing soft circles on your back.

Nodding, you allow your hands to wrap around him. “Jaebum?”

He doesn’t move. “Yes?”

“I love you.” You wait until he makes a noise of acknowledgement before you continue. “I know you love me, too. But lately,” you sigh, pulling back to look at him. “Lately things have been bad. You’ve been busy, we’ve barely spoken. I don’t know how this will work if you – when you…”

Jaebum’s jaw tightens and he can only stare. In his look is everything you needed to know. Jaebum is scared. He doesn’t know how this will work. He feels the strain on your relationship, understands the dual demands he’ll be facing. It’s stretching you, twisting your love into something unrecognizable.

Jaebum knows. Jaebum sees.

Shaking his head, Jaebum’s eyes darken. “I’m not letting go of you,” he says, tone demanding. “That’s all I know.”

When he kisses you again, it’s with the same desperation of earlier. You don’t fight it, breaking away and letting him hold you. For tonight that’s all Jaebum can offer.

For tonight, that’s all you need.

Author’s Note: Only one more update until the end! Thank you everyone for the wonderful feedback - already getting emotional lol

Playlist: Happier, Ed Sheeran; Elevator, Jonghyun; Machine, Misterwives; Somebody Else, the 1975; The Scientist, Corinne Bailey Rae; Between the Bars, Elliott Smith

[Master List]

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