A Comprehensive Rating of all The New Nike Kits that Literally No One Asked Me For:
starting off strong with England:
listen when i first saw this i was like hmm okay 😐, then i saw it on the players and i was like hmmm okayyyyy 💅💅
home is clean, classic - i like it. collar is a choice but i think it works, sleeves are nice, retro kits slay always - 8/10
controversial but purple as a colour in general sucks. however, i would barely call this away kit purple, the charcoal vibe is actually fucking sexy. it’s almost a grey kit, and a grey kit is almost a black kit, and i love black kits. love the pattern down the side, love the gold, my only reservation is that it looks like a training kit (specifically that ugly purple kit the lionesses had a few years ago) - 7.5/10
special shout-out to that eyesore of a goalie kit, i absolutely fucking love it
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now Portugal is a serving us a game of two halves:
the home is… a kit. it’s nice, it’s clean, but it literally could not be less forgettable. it’s fine - 5/10
the away on the other hand - masterpiece. that pattern is actually gorgeous, colours are so cute, and it’s actually unique! love when kits have nods to culture/history- 10/10, stunning
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United States - yea girl give us nothing!
listen the home is fine. but one word springs to mind and that word is boring. where’s the flavour? the flag collar saves it - 6/10
the away is absolutely vile i fucking hate that- 1/10
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France said how big can we possibly make our badge:
again home is fine. it’s nothing special, it’s clean, it’s whatever, it’s a home kit. i’m bored. however both kits suffer from the ailment of that absolute fucking monster chicken. why is it so huge - 5/10
the away is nicer. pinstripe is nothing to write home about, but at least there’s a little something something going on. again, the chicken is hard to get past - 6.5/10
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Canada gave us the classics
these are both nice kits. the home is proof that nike do know how to make plain kits that don’t look like they just stuck a badge on a primark t-shirt. simple done well - 8/10
again, the away is simple but effective. does look a bit like an exercise book, but that’s fine. sleek, classy, it’s a decent kit - 7/10
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Brazil proves once again that they know the meaning of cool:
listen, when the colour scheme of your team is yellow and green, you just have to commit to garish. this kit is an eyesore in a good way. this is not a great picture of the pattern but let me tell you it’s gorgeous. i’m not sure about this weird collar though, it looks fine on some of these other kits but idk it’s just not doing it for me here - 8/10
again, this away pattern is hurting my eyes just looking at it, but i like it a lot. makes me wanna go to the beach. brazil knows who they are, and you will know about it. nice colour, bit of fun! more fun kits please! - 7.5/10
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just like it’s football team, Poland’s kits are pretty forgettable:
yeah sorry poland i really don’t know what to tell you here, it’s just really fucking dull. the collar does look nice here, but other than that it’s really not saying much - 4/10
again, not much to say. this does have a bit of a cross stitch pattern which i quite like, but other than that it’s average. normally i like a centred badge but here it just looks like weird. think it’s too big. sorry poland - 5.5/10
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sorry Turkey, the only thing worse than boring, is being boring and ugly:
this away shirt makes polands kit look like the sistine chapel. i can’t even comment because there is absolutely nothing going on - 3/10
and yet somehow… the home kit is worse. i will never be a fan of a block stripe across the chest. the centred badge might have worked if it didn’t have a circle around it. boring and ugly - 2/10
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meanwhile, South Korea blew it out the fucking water!
now this is how you make a kit! take notes turkey! this home kit is literally beautiful. colour is stunning, pattern is gorgeous! 11/10 no notes
and it doesn’t stop there! black kits are stunning anyway, but this?! i adore it. so fun, so sleek. - 10/10
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The Netherlands just couldn’t really be arsed:
i fucking hate this. orange kits done well are beautiful, and this is neither one of those things. at least the players will be up to code if they visit a construction site. the colour is quite literally named ‘safety orange’ - 2/10
the away kit is alright. i quite like it, the patterns decent. the colours are nice. it does look a bit like a bus seat though. - 5.5/10
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China took the stripped back approach :
these aren’t my favourites, but they are nice. the home is classic, nothing fancy, but it’s smooth, it’s sleek, it’s smart. the sleeves are a nice touch - 6.5/10
the same goes for the away. not as nice as the red, but it’s cool. i like it. - 6/10
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Norway forgot which continent they’re from:
now i’m aware the home kit is unpopular, but i actually like it. idk it’s something different, it’s a smart little pattern, centred badge looks good - i’m a fan. i like when countries incorporate their flags into their shirt. it is, however, the flag of thailand. - 7/10
this is a nice away kit. it’s giving fjords, it’s giving glaciers, it’s giving norway. reminds me of the adidas wwc kits, and we all know how nice those were. - 9/10
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Nigeria only knows how to serve cunt!
this is nice. it’s giving me like early noughties vibes, with the font and the tick, and i’m a fan. i’ve never seen a bad green and white kit. well played nigeria, well played. - 8/10
i love black kits. i love green kits. i love patterned kits. and i love this kit. it’s a sick pattern, and it’s just gorgeous. good job - 10/10
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Croatia is… also here:
yeah croatia what the fuck is this? this home kit is absolutely atrocious. boring and ugly - 3/10
i honestly don’t know if the away is better or worse. just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. i don’t know, it’s alright. weird - 4/10
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Things I Hope Happen in this 23/24 Season
> Arsenal gets relegated
> West Ham fans return to their hooligan roots and start trampling folk in Turin again
> Erling Haaland is arrested for the murder of Roy Keane
> A reunifed Yugoslavia wins the 2024 Euro
> Paul Pogba is tried at The Hague
> Jamie Carragher and Gary Neville are married in a tasteful ceremony outside of Wembley
> Jürgen Klopp tears Pep Guardiola's bald Catalán head clean off his shoulders after Liverpool beats City 27-0
> Kylian Mbappe disappears entirely and goes completely off-grid instead of accepting a concrete offer from Real Madrid, Al-Hilal, or Paris Saint-Germain. He is never seen or heard from again
> Darwin Nuñez wins the Golden Boot
> Arda Güler and Jude Bellingham absolutely rot on the Real Madrid bench
> Marco Reus lights himself on fire after losing the Bundesliga to Bayern Munich by 0.5 points
> Federico Valverde transfers to Liverpool after a messy breakup with Ancelotti, cites reasons for leaving as 'being replaced with children'
> Harry Maguire has the best season of his career and brings Manchester United the Treble, then leaves for City in the Summer Transfer Window
> Harry Kane has a violent nervous breakdown on the pitch after Richarlison scores and strips just for the goal to be ruled offside once again
> Manchester City are found guility of 102,719,273,929,280 counts of violating Premier League Financial Fair Play and are relegated to Iceland's 4th Division
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