#DW 🍂 anon

[agirldying]

Hey Bun, I wanted to ask you about this

I feel so bad he went in to french kiss me and didn't like tell me or like i guess I didn't realize what he was doing and I like pulled away and got all confused.

Honestly I'm not really sure why that happened?? I mean I kiss him all the time. I feel bad like i hurt his feelings but I can't help it that was just how my body reacted without me paying attention.

I've been having trouble the past two weeks like being intimate with him and I think it has to do with all the flashbacks I've been having? Idk I don't want to hurt him but I can't keep pretending that he didn't cause that to happen to me and I can't keep pretending I'm not hurt. I guess my body is reacting without me?

Idk what do you think Bun?

DW 🍂

Hey DW 🍂,

I think it makes complete sense why your body is reacting that way. Your body keeps the score. Your body remembers and acts accordingly. You can refer to fiance however you're most comfortable, but on multiple levels, he is your abuser, and so it makes sense that you're physically reacting the way you are.

I understand that you don't want to hurt him and that's fine, but I think when you put it in perspective and see the sheer height of how much he's hurt you, the potential hurt you're causing him is a fraction and a consequence of his own behavior. Does that make sense?

You may also benefit from this article I thought was interesting, especially as I've recently started dance therapy. It talks about how movement could help trauma survivors physically process their experiences.

I hope I could help. You know I'm here if you want to comment or need anything else.

#text #asks #DW 🍂 anon #trauma #vent #trauma vent #body memories

[sparklecare-stimboards]

a bit strange, but may i please request a charles wells stimboard with autumn-y colors? tyvm in advance!

[🐈] [🍂] [🎃]

[🐈] [🍂] [🎃]

[🐈] [🍂] [🎃]

anon this isnt a bit strange dw ^_^ i love charles hes so deranged cat gender (me)

#charles wells #sparklecare #sparklecare hospital #sparklecare stimboard #stimblr #stim #stimboard #stim gifs #visual stim #cat stim #autumn #autumn theme #autumn stim #leaves stim #lava lamp stim #nature stim #yellow stim #orange stim #brown stim #fuzzy stim #furry stim

[kirathehyrulian]

🎭🍂SPN-Masquerade: Round 9🍂🎭

♣•[Livejournal]♣•♣[FAQ]♣•♣[Pinboard]♣•♣[Tumblr]♣•♣[DW]•♣

♥🔥My beloved Kink Sovereigns!🔥♥ Have no fear! For, I am blessed to tell you that it’s that time of year again! Come, and get ready to let your kinky Supernatural desires and talents be released in the Spn-Masquerade round 9! Where nine is forever fine.

📜Schedule: •Saturday, October 1st @ 12:00 am EDT – Open for prompts, fills, and feedback. •Saturday, October 15 @ 11:59pm EDT – Prompts are closed; any prompts made after this date will be deleted. Fills will continue to be accepted. •Sunday, October 22 @ 11:59pm EDT – Fills are closed; any fills made after this date will be deleted. Feedback will continue to be accepted. •Sunday, October 29 @ 11:59pm EDT – Feedback is closed; any comments made after this date will be deleted.

🖤Always Remember, anonymity is the name of the game, heed all tags/warnings/squicks on Prompts/Fills, and leave your judgement at the door before you enter. For more information please click the “FAQ” link above. We await your stay!♥ 

gorgeous banner art by @quickreaver

⚠️due to LJ Anon not working Round 9 will be run on DW⚠️ for more info here [click here]

#spn #supernatural #spn fanart #event promo #multi-ship friendly #gen friendly #nsk friendly #sk friendly #kink and let kink #ship and let ship #kinktomato #spnmasquerade #spn masquerade: round 9 #spn masqerade 2022 #spn events 2022

[emsylcatac]

J'ai publié 1 703 fois en 2022

439 billets créés (26%)

1 264 billets reblogués (74%)

Les blogs que j'ai le plus reblogués :

@ladyofthenoodle

@gentil-minou

@amimons

@little-mari-on-a-roof

@chatonnoir

J'ai étiqueté 1 693 billets en 2022

Seulement 1% de mes billets ne comportaient pas de tag

#ml spoilers - 584 billets

#ml fanart - 566 billets

#ask - 302 billets

#ladynoir - 290 billets

#anon - 206 billets

#ml fun - 174 billets

#kuro neko - 164 billets

#kuro neko spoilers - 156 billets

#adrinette - 106 billets

#strike back - 102 billets

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#she'd have been like 'ohh chaton you're in suuuch good shape woooww you're do funny ♥️♥️ dw i'll take care of that thing harassing you 😠😠

Mes billets vedette en 2022 :

n°5

I really really love how the lucky charm was designed to fit Chat Noir's way of thinking this time: straight forward and directly to the point

He even says so: "But, why did you do that? For once it was obvious! We just had to put it on Psychomedian's eyes to prevent him from using his power!"

Usually he understands how a lucky charm is being used once Ladybug comes up with a plan, but when she gets it he's always asking how on earth she's gonna manage to make it be useful

Loved that because Ladybug wasn't in a condition to properly use her power, the lucky charm acknowledged it and automatically adapted itself to the person who was in capacity of using it: Chat Noir

1 204 notes - publié le 29 janvier 2022

n°4

Happy birthday to the cunning, funny and all out ultra charming @amimons ♥︎🥳

Have two idiots being stupidly in love in the autumn leaves 🍂

1 870 notes - publié le 7 octobre 2022

n°3

Fanon Adrinette at dodgeball: take on every player, so competitive, Ladynoir energy, no one can touch them, badass 😎😎

Canon Adrinette at dodgeball: what if🥺...we got captured first and got to be prisoners together..👉👈...and went to the dungeon..and held handsbdnznd....🥺🥺👉👈👉👈🥺🥺💞💞💞

2 311 notes - publié le 9 février 2022

n°2

Voir l'intégralité du billet

3 653 notes - publié le 17 février 2022

Mon billet n°1 en 2022

Omg I wanted to zoom in on the different names Plagg and Adrien came up with before settling on Catwalker and I'm screaming:

Touffe de la nuit: Tuft of the night

Chat des ténèbres: Cat of the darkness

Soir Chat: Cat Evening (yes, in that order, it's not logical)

Chaton sombre: Dark kitty

Chaton de nuit: Kitty of night

Matou noir: Black Tomcat

Minou de l'obscurité: Pussycat of obscurity

Noir Chat: Cat Black

Félin Noir: Black Feline (I had previously written "Filou Noir=Black Rascal" but Feline makes more sense)

Minet [???? noir maybe???]: [????Black ??] Pussycat (but different from "minou")

Fauve du soir: Evening big cat/wildcat (thanks @little-mari-on-a-roof for your eagle eyes correction, I had previously written "Fouine du soir=Evening Snoop" but this makes more sense)

Félin Ténébreux: Dark Feline (I had previously written "Filou Ténébreux=Dark Rascal but I think Félin makes more sense)

Minou charmeur (very very unsure of the "charmeur"): Charming Pussycat

Chaton Chat: Kitty Cat (but it's not something we say in French so it sounds weird aha)

Félin Sombre(?): Dark(?) Feline

I don't think I'm managing to read more but if I do I'll update this post!

4 124 notes - publié le 25 janvier 2022

Obtenez votre année 2022 en revue sur Tumblr →

#xbbzbd shit my top post is 'pussycat of obscurity' #maybe it should have been translated 'kitty of obscurity' idkk I should stop trusting wordreference #glad to see some of my art is in the top considering I've barely drawn this year 🥲 #& barely made new post 😅 #tumblr 2022 review

[agirldying]

This ask is directed towards the anon asking about the burning in their thigh from the self harm scar.

I have been a cutter for 11 years and have just stopped this year so I have dealt a lot with scars and the physical consequences from self harming.

I can say that on my right thigh in particular I have really severe nerve damage that causes a random burning feeling to shoot down the very top back of my thigh like right under my butt. I know this is nerve damage because when it's not burning like that the area is numb like I can't feel myself touch it when I rub my fingers on the area.

Unfortunately I don't know if this is the type of burning pain that you are describing but I read what you wrote and I immediately thought of my nerve damage on my own leg.

I hope this is possibly helpful to you.

Hey dying-weeds,

I'm sorry to hear about that - thank you for sharing your insight.

#text #asks #tw #tw sh #trauma #vent #trauma vent #DW 🍂 anon

[agirldying]

Hey Bun,

I just wanted to ask you for some advice.

This is one of my really hard days and I'm struggling with a bunch of different memories and have been on the verge of tears all day. No matter what I do I can't distract myself today and it's really eating me alive.

I just wanted to ask you, what do you do to help on your really hard days like this?

Thank you as always.

DW 🍂

Hey DW 🍂,

I'm sorry you were having such a hard day. I hope you're feeling better now.

What I usually do is talk to someone and tell them what's bothering me or what I'm feeling. I find that the best remedy is talking it out, allowing what you're feeling and possibly thinking to take space and say to another what it's trying to say within your body. I usually say "OK, do I want to distract myself or do I want to discuss it?" and unless I'm not feeling verbal, I will often choose to discuss it with someone willing (for example, a venting Discord server or another trauma support blog). I often find that talking about it with someone is like pulling a sword out of my chest.

Hope I could help. Please let me know if you need anything.

#text #asks #DW 🍂 anon #trauma #vent #ptsd #cptsd

[agirldying]

Hi Bun,

I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you having this platform here to help us. You have helped me tremendously and I see that you have and continue to help others every day.

I wanted to tell you that you have inspired me to start thinking about writing about what happened to me and my experiences. I am not a writer myself but I feel like maybe it would help me make sense of my experiences and help me process some of my trauma that is really hard to talk about.

I just want to tell you how proud of you I am that you have had the courage to not only face your abuser and your trauma but that you have been able to document your experiences in your expose. I applaud you for all the progress you've made towards your healing and I hope that one day I can do the same.

Thank you so much once again for always listening and being so kind to me.

DW 🍂

Hi DW 🍂,

I appreciate your words more than I can explain. Thank you so much and I wish the best for you always.

#DW 🍂 anon #text #asks #lovemail

[agirldying]

*possible TW for mentions of abuse and possible sa mentions I'm not sure so just adding this to be safe*

Hey Bun,

I'm sorry I've been sending a lot of asks lately and I know I sound like a broken record but last night I had like a breakdown/breakthrough?? I guess.

Like his mom came over to spend the weekend with us and last night we were up alone talking about things and I told her everything. Like I told her about all the abuse, the physical, mental and emotional abuse. I told her about the sexual abuse as well. Idk why I did it it's like I just started talking and I couldn't stop.

She told me she believed me, she said she remembers when i had told her about it this last February but like that time I didn't really go into any details. This time I told everything. No censor no changing things around no hiding anything. I just told the whole truth and how I felt and feel about it and I can't believe she actually believed me.

Like it felt so good to tell someone in my real life what happened and what I actually went through and for them to tell me they believed me, especially with her being my mother in law.

The only thing that I would say is negative out of this is that talking about it in full detail like that brought up a lot of details that were repressed?? I don't want to say forgotten because I was able to say them so easily and recall them so well but it's like parts that I usually can't remember. I guess that was because I wasn't hiding anything from her that those details came out idk.

I told her about the money and the ads and how he calls it swinging but that I didn't want to do it and that it was rape. She told me the same thing you told me that it was trafficking. I couldn't believe the words. She told me "he sold you to those men online, you could've died or caught some type of disease. That was so dangerous". Like just the weight of her words like the fact that she understands how serious that was it relieved me but also just broke me. Like hearing someone say he sold me just broke my heart all over again.

Like this is the first time ever that ive told someone in my real life who wasn't him so I didn't have to defend myself. I didn't have to hide how it makes me feel. I didn't have to fight about it or pretend it wasn't a big deal. And it hurt. It hurt for her to say that it was sexual abuse. It hurt to hear her say it was rape. It hurt to admit that the man I loved the most sold me to men I didn't know to be used. It hurt to admit that those things you read about or see on TV happened to me.

I think I've been going through like an episode of sorts the last few days especially but maybe it's been longer like a few weeks? I've just been having flashbacks so intensely and last night really triggered some new ones for me that I wasn't seeing before. I assume it's because I talked about it in so much detail but it felt good to actually tell someone who seems like they care.

She didn't tell me it was my fault she told me her son was sick, that it was a disgusting thing to do and that he didn't love me enough to protect me.

I guess really the hardest part for me is admitting I'm a victim of sex trafficking. Idk the weight of those words weighs so heavy on my mind it makes me sick. It makes me wish it never happened I just wish it would go away but it won't because it was the truth. It hurts me to know that I was sold to someone. That my body was worth a dollar amount, and sometimes not even that much.

I'm sorry this is really heavy and bad Bun, I think I really just like triggered myself. Maybe I re-traumatized myself by talking about what happened so vividly idk what happened. Its just like hurting again like it just happened all over again and all I wanted to do was be heard.

Anyway thank you so much for reading as always and thank you so much for your kindness and support. I hope you're doing okay.

Hey dying-weeds,

Please never apologize for sending me asks, that's what my inbox is intended for and it's nice to hear from you.

I know it was really rough but I think it's ultimately a good thing that you told her and that she was accepting about it. I'm so glad that she supports and believes you, I think it's so important for you to have someone like that in your life right now.

I can definitely understand how it's painful to be told that you're a sex trafficking survivor, among other things. But I think that there's some level of power in having a name for it, and also being able to identify it so that you can process it. But that's obviously at your own pace.

I think a lot of these traumas are still very fresh for you so it makes sense that it was very triggering to talk about the details with her. Please practice self-care during this time, drink plenty of water, rest, maybe have a bubble bath or something relaxing that you can enjoy. You've been through so much and you deserve some time to recover.

I hope I could help. I'm here if you want to comment on this or if you need to talk in the future. Thank you for the kind words and yes I am doing okay, thank you for asking.

#text #asks #vent #tw #trauma #ptsd #cptsd #trauma vent #DW 🍂 anon

[agirldying]

*Tw descriptions of the sexual abuse ( not super detailed or graphic ) just wanted to warn*

Hey bun,

To answer your questions in the previous ask response, I am currently 24 weeks pregnant so approximately 6 months gestation time.

I also wanted to answer that I have been with my fiance since 2017 so 5 years this August. Honestly it didn't start this way. We met a a time where we were both each other's only support system and we survived going place to place and being homeless together and many other traumas through the years until late 2020.

I would say that the abuse began in late 2020 and it started with the emotional and mental abuse then in January 2021 when his grandma died, the physical abuse really ramped up and then in march the sexual abuse started.

Honestly I think that his grandmother's death caused all of that to really happen because she was his everything and now that she was gone it made him just lose control, idk. He has a lot of trauma too that he doesn't talk about or address so there's no telling what pushed him over the edge but I think it was her death.

Unfortunately he turned to alcohol and that just made him more violent and he turned the violence on me because he didn't have anyone else he could direct all the anger to.

I think that it was the trauma from his mother that started the sexual abuse because she was unfaithful a lot during his childhood and also very manipulative about it. This made him, for some reason, constantly accuse me of cheating and lying about it which he still does today when he drinks, but I have never been unfaithful.

I think he forced me to sleep with all those people to like fulfill his fantasy that I was cheating so he made me do it? If that makes sense. Basically what he did was set up meetings between me and random men on Reddit pretending to be me and using my Snapchat and social media accounts to make them believe it was me talking to them. In reality I had no idea what was ever discussed until they came to the house and had their way with me while he watched. I had no choice in the matter because he would threaten me with violence when I begged for him to stop and not bring them over.

I'm sorry for the description of the abuse but I hope that gives you some insight into how long this has gone on and like what exactly was happening.

Again I just wanted to thank you for your responses and all of your advice, here and on traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors, I really appreciate your kindness and your willingness to listen and try to help me.

DW 🍂

Hi DW 🍂,

It doesn't sit right with me that his grandma's death and substance abuse are what caused him to be abusive towards you. Abuse is a choice, not a byproduct. I feel like if he genuinely loves and respects you he would direct his aggression elsewhere. You should not be a punching bag (more than just physically) and as your fiancee he should know that. I don't believe he has an excuse because there is just no excuse on the planet for abuse. Yes, it's tragic that he lost his grandmother, yes it's tragic that his mother was unfaithful and manipulative, but the fact that others can come out of those situations without being abusive indicates that those aren't excuses to be abusive.

With the whole thing about Reddit, I just want you to notice how congruent this is with human trafficking. Admittedly I'm not that knowledgeable about human trafficking, so I did some research that I'd like to show you. Here is a link to humantraffickinghotline.org that talks about what human trafficking is and isn't through debunking myths. One of the first things it mentions is, like what you said, force, threats, violence, and other types of coercion to push the victim into it. "Human trafficking is the use of force, fraud or coercion to get another person to provide labor or commercial sex." You also say they would come to your home. "Survivors can be recruited and trafficked in their own home towns, even their own homes." And I think the ultimate point here is the fact that it says "Many survivors have been trafficked by romantic partners, including spouses [...]" It sounds like your fiancee was quite literally pimping you out to Redditors.

Knowing what you've shared here, I'm a bit worried for your safety, and I hope you can understand why. Ultimately it's up to you what you do, but I would urge you to look into some local shelters in your area. If you need any help with finding a place, I'd be more than happy to do some research for you, and if you need any financial assistance I am willing to chip in as much as my college student bank account can. Please know that you are not alone, please reach out to support if you are able, and just know that you deserve to be in a save environment and with someone who fully loves, respects, and listens to you. Please let you know if you need anything at all. I'm always here.

#text #asks #trauma #tw #ptsd #cptsd #human trafficking #DW 🍂 anon

[agirldying]

*Possible Tw for mentions of abuse and Sa, adding a warning just in case*

Hey Bun,

I wanted to talk to you or I guess maybe ask for your opinion on this. Do you think it's possible I'm actually going backwards in my healing?

It's a weird question but I will give you some background. I know you're probably familiar with my situation and a few weeks ago we had like a big response as to what my abuse actually was. After that I felt like I could really start accepting it because you gave me a name for it and that helped honestly to realize how serious what happened to me was.

For a few weeks I felt like I was dealing with the grief well and like actually addressing my feelings about it. I really felt like I was healing like a little bit. But now over the last two weeks I've been starting to like avoid it if that makes any sense.

Like I recently got a new job and im moving this week into a new apartment and I've just been like ignoring any thoughts I have about it. It's almost like I'm pretending it didn't happen. Like I don't want to call myself a survivor now. I don't want to admit I was abused. I don't want to think about getting hit. I don't want to call it trafficking. I don't want to think about what happened.

It's almost like when Ive been having flashbacks since I started working two weeks ago I see them and my brain is like "that's not me" like they aren't my memories and it didn't happen to me. It's like I'm trying to tell myself that it happened to someone else and that's not me. What is this?

I guess I'm just asking like is this regression in my healing? Is my personality splitting? Could I be dissociating from it because it's just too much for me to function normally? Honestly and truly I'm not sure what is happening.

It's just so strange because sometimes I will feel the anger or the pain or feel upset when I have the flashbacks and it's like I acknowledge the feeling and my brain just turns it off immediately, then I have those " it's not me" thoughts.

Sorry if this is a lot or if it's very confusing but I feel like something strange is going on and I don't really understand it so I was just wondering what you think about it.

Thank you so much for reading and as always I appreciate you so much Bun.

- DW 🍂

Hi DW 🍂,

Healing isn't linear, so it's expected to have some backwards steps.

It makes sense why you may be avoiding confronting your trauma and current situation because they're quite daunting and come with a lot of emotional... I don't want to use the word baggage but maybe weight? They're hard things to come to terms with so it's understandable why it can be hard to constantly accept.

It sounds like there are various changes in your life that perhaps make it easier to feel like you can put your experiences in the past and store it away like it didn't happen, even though it hasn't been completely processed.

Personally I feel this connecting with the year after I'd gotten out of my abusive situation - I went from long hair to short (cut off 10 inches of hair or so) and donated it. I remember the new look being this sort of pathway to feeling like I could pretend to be an entirely new person, free of trauma, unburdened (that being said I also remember having like 10 anxiety attacks in that month alone).

I also need to just say that I completely relate to almost othering yourself and being like "the person who endured that is not me". Personally I recognize that to be a dissociative symptom as I actively believe that I am a completely separate person from the girl who once inhabited this body (see my username). I have actually changed my name irl to reflect the fact that I am someone else now, and my deadname is triggering knowing what happened to her. Basically I'm saying all of this to kind of just show that this is just another way that dissociation can present, and this is one of the many elements of dissociative identity. Like, I will use first person when talking about the trauma, but that's more for convenience than actually identifying with those memories.

So yeah ultimately this sounds like some dissociation is coming up for you surrounding your sense of self and identity as you're navigating recovery.

I hope I could help and provide some insight. As you know, please feel free to send more asks my way if you need to chat or if you want to add onto this.

#text #asks #trauma #vent #trauma vent #DW 🍂 anon

[agirldying]

Hey Bun,

I wanted to add comment to my previous ask. Like I completely agree with you the way you said that referring to what happened to me as "swinging" is really insensitive. Like especially saying it in front of his family. I think that's what really rubs me the wrong way like the most. Like idk when he said that it makes it sound to other people that it was both of us but it WASN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL.

They don't know that I was literally being threatened with violence if I didn't do what I was told to do. They don't know that I had no part in chosing those people. Like it just makes it sound like I was involved when I wasn't.

Like I mean he has admitted to me previously that he knows I didn't want to do it and he knows he forced me and he knows it wasn't consensual but like why can't he say it in front of them?? He can say he hit me and screamed at me and everything else in front of them so if we're going to lay it out then why not tell the whole truth.

Idk I guess that just bothers me because that's such a huge part of my trauma and that's the part that affects me the most out of anything and it's like now everyone will think I'm just a whore.

I also agree with you when you said that it was inappropriate to just come out and start that talk in front of everyone. Like idk it was really embarrassing. Like I literally couldn't say anything I was just sobbing quietly in my kitchen like while he was talking to me. Especially the last part about the sexual abuse (that he won't call sexual abuse) but like why did they have to hear that. Then on top of everything to be told that everyone knows, so it's like oh yeah we know you're being abused so that's why we don't say anything when you show obvious symptoms of being abused. Like wow thanks everyone. I'm so glad everyone thinks it's some big joke that I went through this.

Idk Bun I just feel like it's going to take a lot and a long time to come back from this like I'm not really sure he understands the damage that was done to me like mentally. I worry if this is something I won't ever really come back from. Like I'll just have to keep living with it like I have been.

DW 🍂

Hi DW 🍂,

Yeah, it sounds to me with the whole "swinging" thing that he either just isn't fully cognizant of the situation (he did just begin to come around, seemingly, so it may not be too surprising if it's not a full 180) or is straight up refusing to acknowledge your lack of consent (in which case he may not be fully apologetic since he seems to blatantly ignore that whole part, and I know you said he did acknowledge it at one point but I think he may be ultimately scared to because of the implications).

I can understand why you found it embarrassing. Like while you shouldn't necessarily be ashamed, it makes sense why you'd be uncomfortable having them know. Also it hits me right in the Trauma when you said "we know you're being abused so that's why we don't say anything when you show obvious symptoms of being abused. Like wow thanks everyone. I'm so glad everyone thinks it's some big joke that I went through this." It feels inexplicably invalidating to feel like there are a crowd of bystanders to your trauma. It feels gaslighting because it's like they don't find it serious enough to do something. It infuriates me. What kind of person knows that their relative is being abused and does absolutely nothing to help? It's nauseating. You deserve attention, acknowledgement, help, and care from those around you, god dammit.

Please take your time in healing from everything. Don't feel rushed at all (I broke up with my abuser 7 years ago and I am still healing). Also consider that being with your fiancé may involuntarily pause your trauma recovery because you may still feel physiologically and/or psychologically unsafe around him after everything, and recovery really only happens once the person feels safe enough. At the same time, know that you can heal from this. It may take a long time, but you can do it.

Some things I want you to think about are: What do you imagine your future will look like staying with your fiancé? Do you think you could look past what he did to you and love him the same? What do you think the future will look like with your child? Do you think it is worth your health to stay with him? Those are just some questions I want you to think about rhetorically.

I'll be here as always. Please take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything or would like to comment on this.

#text #asks #DW 🍂 anon #trauma #tw #vent #trauma vent #ptsd #cptsd

[agirldying]

Hey bun,

I wanted to ask you a question in relation to the day 15 post from yesterday in your ptsdconfessions series. I know you say in your post that your symptoms are more manageable and I'm in the same boat as you where I have cptsd so it's not just the "event" that affects me.

I guess what I'm trying to ask you is for you have any triggers that people might label as dumb or like something that people make fun of? I have what people might call dumb triggers from my trauma, like for instance I am very set off by the Snapchat notification because it was part of my abuse. If I were to tell someone irl about that I just know they would laugh at me.

Sorry for making this long, I just wanted to see if you related to that at all, idk I guess I feel alone about it.

Thanks so much.

DW 🍂

Hey DW 🍂!

Yes definitely. I think there are plenty of triggers of mine that other people wouldn't understand or would find miniscule or like... that I'd be overreacting to. But in reality they have very real and pungent ties to my trauma that makes it make sense. Like honestly even just getting multiple text notifications at once is triggering because my abuser would essentially spam me. But this is exclusive to my phone - either Snapchat or SMS (so yeah I can also relate to Snapchat being triggering, my abuse happened in part on there as well, also Kik and ooVoo).

I know someone else may find it ridiculous, but please just know that it doesn't make you or your triggers any less valid. It makes total sense why your triggers are what they are.

Also your ask is short in comparison to most of the asks I answer, so don't worry!

Hope I could answer your questions, feel free to answer if you'd like! Either way I hope you're doing alright and please take care of yourself.

#text #asks #DW 🍂 anon #trauma #triggers #tw #ptsd #cptsd #snapchat #ptsdconfessions

[agirldying]

Tw: mentions of sexual abuse/domestic violence (not detailed) just wanted to warn

Hey Bun,

So I had what you might call a breakthrough on Saturday. He went through my Tumblr and was reading my messages and posts and I guess it made him like really upset because I was talking about how the domestic violence affects me. He got really mad and started yelling at me at first like telling me I make everything sound worse than it really was and it wasn't like he beat me and that I can't use words like that etc. And he left.

Like this has happened before so I just thought he would drop it when he got drunk so I was just going to leave him alone and give him his space until he moved on to something else but when he came back he did something different. At first he was still mad and was telling me that "why does he always have to be the bad person" and that I have done things too to bring it on and that I need to "tell people how much of a bitch I am" so they understand why he reacted the way he did. He went on with this for a few minutes more then went outside for a while. Like I'm used to that so I thought he would just stay outside for a few hours and be away from me while he was cooling down but again he did something different.

He came back inside completely calm and apologized to me for being angry. Then he started to apologize for more things. He apologized for the abuse, the DV. He apologized for the way he talks to me and treats me. He tells me that the reason he drinks is because he regrets everything that happened between us. Meanwhile he's doing all of this in front of his family that we live with. He told me it wasn't to make a scene or embarrass me but it was to have a witness to make himself accountable for his actions.

He told me that his family knew the whole time what was going on and had been saying things to him about his behavior but that nothing can really be done about it without ruining our lives. Like if he went to jail it would ruin his life and my life and would have just ruined everything. He also told me though that he knows the only true way for me to get justification would be for him to go to jail but I don't want him to go.

I really couldn't say anything like I was just shocked because he's never like actually apologized for anything like this before and I thought that was it but then he admitted to the sexual abuse like in front of everyone. He called it "swinging" but he knows that it wasn't consensual for me. He told me that when the baby is born he wants us to go to therapy and for me to go and get the help that I need.

Honestly I was just so shocked like I had so many emotions at once I just couldn't say anything I just cried the whole time. Like hearing all those horrible things he did come out of his mouth just made everything come back to me and I was relieved to be heard and validated but at the same time it's like not what I wanted.

It doesn't make anything go away and he didn't really fully admit that the "swinging" wasn't swinging at all. I had no part and no choice in the situations and he knows that. Idk it was just so embarrassing for everyone to hear that and it was even worse to know that they knew the whole year I was being abused.

Idk I guess I'm just venting about this because while it helped for like two days, like just feeling heard and him taking responsibility for what he knows he did and like him admitting that he knows it affected me badly, it doesn't change anything. It doesn't make anything go away. All this does is let me know that it won't ever happen again but it already happened so what's the point?

DW 🍂

Hi dying weeds,

I think it's a step in a positive direction that he has apologized, but as someone who has also been in a DV situation, it's not uncommon for abusers to use seemingly sincere apologies to rope you back in. If his apology is truly sincere, he will make an active effort to act differently, so just keep an eye out for that.

Overall it sounds like your partner has several issues with communication, which is a critical problem, especially for a committed relationship. For example, how he apparently drinks out of regret for things he's done to you, instead of having a conversation with you about it and listening to your side. He resorts to drinking which creates a dangerous habit that only perpetuates his abusive behavior. He sounds scared of communicating with you (which I don't think has actually anything to do with you), though the apology may be a sign that he's trying to confront that fear.

Please know that apologies do not erase or reverse damage already done and it shouldn't be used that way. You are absolutely allowed to still hurt. You don't need to feel like his apology voids your pain or any of the complicated feelings you have. You're allowed to decline his apology if that feels appropriate to you. He's done a lot to you, you're hurting, and that is valid regardless of whether or not he apologizes for it.

I know you're not asking for my opinion necessarily but I don't think it was right for him to air out your dirty laundry in front of everyone. I think that was a discussion meant to have in private because it's heavy and you didn't really consent to them being present for that. I think he should've been more considerate about how you'd feel about it. I also don't understand his excuse of needing witnesses to hold him accountable because you're an adequate witness yourself.

I also want to speak to the whole jail thing - it's a false dilemma for him to say that the only true way for you to get justice is for him to be arrested or what have you. I think about this in terms of myself; my abuser walks free, but my expose brings me justice and holds him accountable without necessarily sending him to jail. There are options beyond that as well. You may find it personally that getting him arrested and sent to jail is how you want this to go, and while it may be complicated, it's okay to want that. That's what many survivors want. It's okay to not want that either.

I also just want to say that while I don't exactly know the logistics in your situation, it comes across slightly that he is instilling an unhealthy level of dependency in your relationship by insinuating that seeking legal retribution for what he's done would "ruin everything".

I don't understand why you should have to wait for your baby to be born to get therapy. If anything it might make more sense to start it beforehand because you're going to need some time with your baby, maternity leave and everything. So in essence you might end up waiting even longer to get therapy after your baby is born, and I think you deserve the help you need ASAP. But I understand if there may be some other conflicts getting in the way of that.

I agree that "swinging" is an incredibly insensitive way to describe what happened, especially considering the fact that you weren't consenting. Swinging is consensual. That was not.

I hope your fiancé realizes the extent of the damage he's done to you. I think that's integral for the longevity and health of your relationship. I also hope he commits to changing his behavior, not only for you but for your child, because that is no environment for anyone to be in, especially a child. He needs to do better as a husband and a father.

I hope I could help. I wish the absolute best for you. Please feel free to comment on this or add onto this, and otherwise of course you know I'm here for you anytime.

#text #asks #DW 🍂 anon #trauma #tw #ptsd #dv #domestic violence #abusers

[agirldying]

Hey bun,

As you may know or I may have mentioned in previous asks or posts or something, I have been experiencing some pretty intense domestic violence and sexual abuse over the last almost two years.

The sa, luckily, only lasted from March to July of 2021 but the domestic violence (physical, emotional, and mental) has really just stopped maybe 3 weeks ago (?) Sorry my memory is a little wonky with short term things.

Because of who my abuser is to me, my fiancee, everything has been kept like a secret I guess? Like we room with his aunt and uncle and have the whole time the abuse has gone on and they don't know, or they act like they don't know. I am sure that his uncle saw him hit me in the face in June but he didn't say anything if he did.

I guess the point of me saying this is that since everything is a secret it sometimes feels like I'm two different people living two different lives. Like when I wake up and go in the living room and talk to everyone I'm one me, the me who is a happy pregnant woman who's life is just starting. Who has a wonderful relationship, who is finally having a good life after growing up hard. I wake up and do laundry and clean and walk the dog and make food for my fiancee and we kiss and talk to each other and trade I love yous.

Then there's the me when I'm alone. The abused broken woman. Uncontrollable thoughts and feelings, flashbacks, fear and rage and disgust. Blaming myself. Waiting in fear to be abused again. Wondering how long the good will last until it happens again. Just sadness and anger and greif and mourning for myself.

I can't tell anyone in my real life what happened to me, it's just so embarrassing. Like when I was young I watched my mom get beat. I watched my dad abuse us and my step mom. I read about girls who are prostituted against their will, who are forced by the ones they love. I read about all these things and I didn't know that it would be my life. I mean who can you tell? Who would believe me against him?

I guess I just feel so disconnected from myself sometimes because I have to spend most of my time pretending that it didn't happen, I can't mourn the feelings yet I just feel too hurt about it. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real, just like a bad dream or a scary movie. The flashbacks are bad sometimes and I can't stop them either. I just have to straighten up when he gets home and give him a kiss and tell him I missed him even though I'm seeing what happened in my mind as we're speaking to each other. I have to look at him and just remember and not react.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I was just trying to vent because my life just feels so unreal, I'm literally just a mask that I put on every day for everyone to see. Nobody knows what I actually feel and what I actually went through.

Thank you so much for reading and listening.

DW 🍂

Hi DW 🍂,

I'm really sorry to hear about not only what you've been through in the past but what you're going through right now. That is terrifying and you don't deserve to be in an environment like this, especially during pregnancy.

It sounds like your fiancee has created an unwelcome space for essential elements to a relationship. It's imperative that any partner, but especially someone you're marrying and having a child with, fully respects, loves you, and is open to discussion, including criticism.

If I may ask, how long have you been with your fiancee? I think this could help me get a better frame of reference for when the abuse began. (also may I ask how far along you are?) Neither of these are mandatory questions at all, so feel free to not answer them.

You may have seen the post already, but I wanted to share with you the post I made to traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors about what a healthy relationship looks like.

I just want to clarify that none of this is your fault. It's not always easy to tell from the start if someone is going to behave this way. I just worry about your health and safety now that you have several commitments with this person, such as marriage and children. I hope that your fiancee takes accountability and allows for open discussion about how it's affecting you and how to ensure that your relationship stays as healthy as possible. Or, if worst comes to worst, that you're able to take refuge in a DV shelter.

You are seen and heard. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.

#text #asks #DW 🍂 anon #trauma #tw #vent #trauma vent #domestic violence

[agirldying]

Hi bun it's me,

Just wanted to check up on you and see if you're doing okay. I hope you are. Thank you for always being so helpful to me I really appreciate you.

hey dying weeds,

thanks for checking in on me. i'm doing alright luckily. thanks for the kind words and i hope you're doing alright as well.

i couldn't join my partner for easter because i have a presentation tomorrow on childrens mental health impacted by parental absence and he won't be getting back in time, but my mom came to visit this weekend and we went to the mall and got some stuff. we went to a leggings store and i got 3 pairs, 2 cat-print and one galaxy. i also went to lush and got some sleepy body wash and the lady there gave me 4 different samples of face moisturizer because my nose is perpetually dry and it's been helping a lot so far! i also got mango habanero beef jerky from the jerky store, some hot sauce, i got magnetic lashes and face masks from charlotte rousse, and a new dress from h&m. i also went to bed bath and body works and got hand san and 2 candles, mohogany and lakeside.

today we went and got bagels, then we walked around and went grocery shopping, then my mom made chicken cutlets, rice pilaf, and brussel sprouts which were all yum. i did some homework and called my bf to say hi to his family. my mom also brought up my birthname because i picked out a wine with my birthname on it and she decided to get it which was fine with me, and when i told my bf i got it with my birthname on it my mom asked what's wrong with my birthname, and i was like idk i just don't use it anymore, even though when she recorded us clinking our glasses she used both names, and i think the disappointment was written all over my face. but that pretty much sums up this weekend.

#text #asks #DW🍂 anon

[agirldying]

Hey bun i was looking at your play list in your painted post and i didn't know you liked TOOL! I've never found many other tool fans before so that made me smile that it was there. Also isn't the song prison sex the ones where he yells "Fuck You Buddy" at the end? I wasn't sure if it was or not lmao

Anyway bun hope you're doing okay thank you for always being around and helping me (:

Hey dying weeds! Wonderful to hear from you!

Yes I love TOOL! I'm not into them so much nowadays but I listened to them heavily when I was 16-17 and again when I was like 19-20 and they released their newer album Fear Inoculum. TOOL is relatable in the trauma for me (and I think Maynard Keenan is a CSA survivor from what I've heard).

He is saying "Fuck you buddy" at the end. But actually you're thinking of Hooker With a Penis, Prison Sex doesn't go like that.

Thanks for the well wishes! I'm doing pretty good and hope you are as well. And of course it's always no problem. I'm glad I could help.

#asks #text #DW🍂 anon #dying weeds #lovemail #tool #maynard keenan