#CharlieGunnar

[danilovesivars]

Not My Baby to Hold

Hey Charlie, I wrote something a little more than a week ago. I closed my laptop and didn’t save it. It was gone. I was exhausted I couldn’t write it again. I’m tired. Tuesday I started feeling very anxious and uneasy. Like I felt like you were lost. Like I didn’t know where you were. Denial was setting back in. Wednesday I took Riley to school but when we got in there we were waiting to talk to her principal and the office was really busy and she got really anxious and broke down. Eventually she did better and I went home. When I got home I got angry. So angry. I couldn’t control he tears. Then the tears turned into screaming so much shouting and screaming from the bottom of my lungs. Eventually I couldn’t breathe. I tried to get outside for air but it didn’t help. Our neighbour was out and came right over and sat with me until I started to calm down a bit. Then the school called because Riley was sick. The rest of the night tears just continued to slowly stream down my face. While I tried to watch tv, while I read, while I slept. Today I feel exhausted and dehydrated. No amount of water seems to be enough. I feel weak and shaky. It won't stop. It’s interesting how every time you cycle into another grief stage it knocks you over so hard. I don’t get it Charlie. I’m very confused. I literally feel like I can’t find you like my brain has decided that’s easier than admitting you are gone. I went from finding comfort in looking at your photos and videos. Your smile made me smile. Now I can’t breathe. I have so much heaviness in my chest. It’s so physically real I wonder how my heart hasn’t stopped. Last week was a lot of things. One day I took Riley to the park. As we approached the park I saw a toddler in the toddler swing. I felt a pang and I looked away and tried not to think about it. Eventually the parents brought him over to where Riley was sitting. Oh Charlie this little boy looked so much like you. Just so much like you. He was about your size, he had light brown hair with little curls. He turned and looked at me his big brown eyes and long eyelashes caught the sunlight and he smiled. For a moment I felt my body out of reflex want to reach for him but my brain knew it wasn’t you. That’ was not my baby to hold. I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t hold in the tears. I tried so hard and probably sounded like I had some hiccups or was hyperventilating. I called Riley and told her we had to leave. She didn’t hesitate she saw I was upset and we headed home. I tried to keep it together but I kept crying. Later that week Riley and I were heading to the store when I saw a dad carrying his little boy on his shoulder like Daddy carried you.They crossed the street ahead of us. As I pulled up to stop at the intersection to make a left hand turned I looked left for traffic that’s when I saw it. The little boy looked up over his dads shoulder and straight into the car and made eye contact as he waved at me. but not a typical toddler wave. A Charlie stiff armed wave. I waved back. “Hi baby” I heard myself say. I cry-laughed the whole way to the store. He was tiny like you. Brown hair but much curlier, brown skinned, brown eyed. It wasn’t my baby to hold but I knew in that moment my baby was sending me a hello. Which brings me to something else from last week. We hung some illustrations around the house. Remember Daddy’s coworker drew pictures of him and Riley? She drew one of you as well. So we framed the one of Riley and the one of you and hung them over the couch. We had to move the mirror. At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. You liked to watch TV through the mirror. But we still have the big mirror in the bedroom you liked to watch yourself in. 

We hung another one too in your room. Tia’s daddy made it for us. It’s actually a drawing of my favourite picture of you. He titled it Charlie Forever in Touch. I cried when I saw it. His drawing was also beautiful. But the title. He saw what I see when I look at that picture. You still reaching for me. I actually even started making albums from your pictures - one of you laughing, one of you with the pets, one of you with the grandparents and great grandparents but it started with ones of you forever reaching. Forever in touch. 

It’s amazing how both artists captured your eyes perfectly. I can stare into them forever. Tomorrow is Riley’s birthday. She wanted you to be the special guest on Sunday at her birthday party. When you were in the hospital, the day they told Daddy and I the outlook wasn’t good Mommy had to come home and limit the information we told Riley. We would be assisted with the Child Life specialists the next day. As we were getting in the house she said “I’m going to make Charlie the special guest at my birthday party”. I didn’t know what to do I cried so hard. She insisted you would be okay but I knew. Not because the doctors suspected it. but I knew I could feel it in my gut and I hated it and I kept trying to bury the feeling and deny it. The next morning I was so numb and so confused. We packed some of your favourite toys I tried to find the noisiest ones to wake you up. I got so mad and fixated on finding your Cory Carson when Riley came up to me and said “Mommy... I think Charlie would rather us just be there than you find his Cory” Then she just took charge packing things. I was so proud of her. I think she knew too. I wanted to just throw up.  She’s hoping your elves Glitter and Gar show up in the morning. I think she’s only expecting Glitter. After you passed a few days later she sadly asked if I thought Gar passed too. Garland came after you were born and was connected to you. I think Gar will be here tomorrow. I think he will be sad. He will miss you horribly. I’m not sure what they will say. Because none of this makes any sense not even the elves can explain the pain away. She loves them dearly though. Almost as much as she loved you. You were her whole world. She’s not herself lately and I’m very worried for her. It could be just because I’m hyper alert now. But she does feel lonely. Maybe the elves can help her feel a little bit better and less alone. Maybe they can remind her we are here and you are forever in touch.

#childloss #toddlerloss #death #grief #griefjourney #grievingmom #grievingfamily #mitochondrialdisease #leighssyndrome #CharlieGunnar