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1ddiscourseoftheday · 3 years

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Mon 7 June ‘21

Liam’s podcast with Steve Bartlett is out and while I still don’t care about that guy I’ll give him this-- he does great at getting out of the way and letting Liam talk. And boy does Liam talk! Liam says A LOT and let’s all just pause to send him some big hugs before we get into right? And then look to the future- Liam’s routine is to say ‘things have been terrible but it’s fine, it’s fine NOW’, always, even when that is absolutely obviously not true, and today is no different but for once I actually believe some of his hopeful bits too which is so great! I hope things really are shifting for him and I can’t wait to hear this new song of his. But there’s a lot that’s hard to hear too, oh Liam. He said that he and Maya have broken up (so yes, presumably why he just moved again such a short time after they moved into their haunted house), talked about his struggles with his alcoholism (and said he’s been sober for a month right now, go babe!), shared the usual distressing stories about his time in the band and what that was like for him (and how it still impacts him), and he talked about his new song and how it feels different for him than his past solo music. Truly though there is SO MUCH more than I can get into here or then you can get from the UA highlights- I HIGHLY recommend actually watching at least parts of the video, also because the attempt to summarize so much erases all the charm and humor, of which there is much. If you don’t think you want to watch Liam’s interviews, it has to be because you aren’t watching Liam’s interviews, they’re delightful! Plus really if you care about 1D and want information about what it was like for any of them, listen to Liam, he’s the one who’s out there talking about it.

About Maya he said, that yes, he is now single, and “I’ve just been not been very good at relationships,” and “I’m a proper perfectionist… at the start of the relationship you put out this complete false character like I might as well go in in costume, I’m like putting out something that is not there... kind of like encompassing someone else’s life with your crap rather than just doing your thing and laying out your store from day one. That’s my biggest problem is that I feel like I don’t lay out my store... and then I’m annoyed when they don’t like what I like,” and “I think my problem is I struggle to be on my own sometimes... I dive in and out of relationships too quickly. I’ve not spent enough time on my own to relearn about myself.”

He laughs about his tendency to ask his manager things during interviews; “My fans think that Steve is doing something to me, they’re like liberty for Liam because he always looks to Steve, but that’s because I like him. It’s not because he’s harming me as a person. There’s like a hashtag Liberty for Liam because they think I’m some like prison child,” and he also said “my manager’s my best friend,” (and he’s said in the past he is a big support for him) and mentioned stuff they’d talked about recently around his therapeutic awakenings.

He talked about therapy being something you have to want to do and be ready to do rather than being pushed into, like getting sober, and says that this time around with his own therapy work he’s really felt that and thrown himself into it and he talked a lot about his relationship to therapy in connection with band days. “I mean one of our old managers went to therapy from being a manager of One Direction. So if you can imagine how that feels like the rest of us definitely need some.”

“We were young,” he said, “What I found was I didn’t know I was the boss until like a few months ago, I still don’t even feel like I am now, like I’m such a child. And everyone I work with now is older than me and wiser than me and I’m like what the hell am I doing here with these people. When we were 17 I thought the security guard was like in charge of me so I was like Can we leave the room? No? Oh ok then,” and “when we were in the band, the best way to secure us was just lock us in our rooms. And of course what’s in the room? Minibar. So at a certain point, I thought Well I’m gonna have a party for one and that just seemed to carry on throughout many years of my life... You know I spoke to somebody about this in child development as a teen, the one thing you need is freedom to make choices. That we could do anything we wanted it seemed from the outside but we were always locked in a room at night and then it would be car, hotel room, stage, sing, locked. So it’s like they pulled the dust cloth off, let us out for a minute, but then it’s back underneath again,” and “the day the band ended I was like thank the lord for that. And I know a lot of people are going to be mad with me for saying that, but I needed it to stop. It would kill me.” Anyway, he said, because it wouldn’t be Liam without an upbeat coda, “I don’t want any of this to get lost in translation. I’m not 100% moaning about my life... it’s had its ups and its downs, but I would rather talk about it and it’s therapeutic for me.”

And what about that exciting new song? Liam said, “We have a really cool song in the pipeline... one of the first ones I’ve actually written myself- with some other people, I didn’t write it by myself, but it’s the first one I’ve really liked. And I think I got so used used carting around other peoples songs and not embedding myself creatively in what I do because I was so scared to find out who I was,” and “I don’t really know how I would tour again. I really want to” [on discord today he said he would be touring next year] “I always said throughout my solo career I’d let my song book speak to me. And I don’t think my song book spoke to me to get off my ass. I only became a solo artist because I had Strip That Down. I wasn’t gonna do it, I was gonna leave it alone. I was like, I survived it once thank you very much- but I’m back in now. Because the song, I knew it was right. It felt right with that song, I hadn’t had that. This year, the song we have I feel really really great about. So I’d rather let the music do the talking than me come out and force it. We don’t need any more useless music in the world, it needs to mean something,” and he mentioned the new song on the discord a lot too, most notably picking out a long comment that thanked him for making the fan feel supported and safe and for “putting your heart in everything you do” and for his support of the LGBTQ community to respond to with, “I think you will really like the new song.”

A few other random bits, he said that he thinks there should be a system to make therapy available to musicians in the industry, “I think I’m definitely gonna get a dog because I need routine,” and “I recently started jujitsu,” yeah you and everyone else huh, so do him and Louis and Oli go to the same gym or ???, and he acknowledged that as an addict he may have just transferred that to working out “but there’s a lot worse things to be addicted to then looking after yourself” hmm but he does seem to say that he’s doing better around body image stuff; he talks about having put on weight during lockdown and seeing himself in the BAFTAS performance- “I saw myself... and I was like ‘oh my god I’ve completely let myself go in this’. And it was fine...I feel so much more secure in myself now.” Oh and that he’s written a comedic movie script “based around AA” and his experiences there, such as how “I had a really weird AA experience the first time that I went. My first experience was with Russell Brand.” LMAO yes! Cannot wait, bring on auteur Liam please! Anyway as if ALL THAT wasn’t enough he’s also dove into the lead up to his NFT release; he said “I'm almost ready to share my NFTs with you guys... Who wants to see them?” and posted a tiny preview that tells us its (their?) title for the first time- Lonely Bug.

Niall and Anne Marie perform on Jimmy Fallon tonight, and the hype is already a go! I guess it’s prerecorded, as we’re already seeing pictures from it; they’re singing to each other with the cute car from the video in the background. Niall signed on to a letter to Boris Johnson asking for changes to music streaming revenue rules and signed by 232 artists (including all the artists Johnson recently named as his favorites, haha). Zayn signed on to a Billboard petition to the US senate calling for gun safety laws. The bar Zayn got into the fight in front of posted “Zayn's a regular at Amsterdam Billiards and he is a true gentleman. On Thursday night he was confronted by an inebriated passer-by outside on the street and was called a homophobic slur. We support Zayn & condemn homophobia in the strongest terms!” And also PS omg again because it just isn’t going away: Harry’s beauty company is called Pleased As, his name is Harry Edward Styles so yes when listed last name first, as legal documents do, it spells SHE but it is not a “feminist abbreviation” (WHAT? even??) nor the name of the business.

#liam payne #long post #so long #the longest #ugh #yeah I think he’s mentioned the movie before but it’s amazing every time #Liam also talked about the concept of toxic productivity and feeling like you have to be doing things always to be valid #OMG YES PLEASE I want all of them to be talking about that #I notice no one’s circulating that bit where he calls out the fans’ idea that he’s a victim of his manager #I... won’t say it I guess but like… do consider listening to what they actually tell us about themselves occasionally though #rather than just fans online #the industry is fucked but also they're not children #anymore #and have all at this point managed to find people they trust as their closest associates #anyway did I or did I not just say that Liam and Maya had broken up I DID so why was she on insta saying they were still together hmmm? Lies #but the real point is that I was right lol #if you messaged me to ask about the SHE thing it’s not that I’m targeting you it’s that you were one of MANY #it’s really true debunk info just doesn’t get the traction that nonsense posts do #pleased as #should have made that a tag already oops #7 jun 21 #I hope you guys are grateful I have so much time on my hands this took forever #tw alcohol #tw substance abuse #tw alcoholism #maya henry #laya

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louistomlinsoncouk · 4 years

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He became a bona-fide teen pop superstar as part of One Direction, then suffered unthinkable personal loss. Louis Tomlinson talks to Guy Kelly about fame, family and what comes next.

Louis Tomlinson took part in an online video recently, in which he was tasked with answering the internet’s most-searched questions about him. It was fairly tame, as you might expect of a pop quiz thrown at a pop star. ‘How do you pronounce Louis Tomlinson?’ the first read. There’s an interesting answer to that, actually, but we’ll come to it. ‘How old is Louis Tomlinson?’ was the second. He’s 28. And then came the third. ‘How is Louis Tomlinson?’

In the video, the man himself looks a little bewildered, dismissing the query as ‘random’ before moving on. But underneath, in the YouTube comments – one of the few nooks of the internet where love and goodwill still thrives – a fan repeated it. ‘“How is Louis Tomlinson,”’ they wrote, ‘the only question that matters.’ More than 7,000 people ‘liked’ it.

Given all Tomlinson’s been through in the past four years, it seems reasonable to ask. In 2016, the band he’d been in man and boy, One Direction, went on an indefinite hiatus after six years. Since being welded together by Simon Cowell on The X Factor in 2010, ‘1D’ had enjoyed perhaps the most stratospheric rise in music (five platinum albums, four world tours) since The Beatles. It hadn’t been Tomlinson’s decision to break up the band, and he wasn’t – still isn’t – particularly happy about it.

In December of that year, his beloved mother, Johannah Deakin, died a few months after being diagnosed with leukaemia. She was 43. Tomlinson pressed on with his nascent solo career, but unimaginable tragedy struck again. In March 2019, his 18-year-old half-sister, Félicité, was found unconscious at her flat in London and couldn’t be revived. An inquest later found she had died of an accidental drug overdose. Again, he buckled down, looked after his remaining siblings, and committed himself to finishing his debut album.

Settling down with Tomlinson in the corner of a west London photo studio, then, it seems as good a place as any to start: how is he?

‘I’m good, mate, I’m feeling good,’ he says, spreading his arms across a sofa. After wearing a series of high-end outfits for our photo shoot (‘I never feel super-comfortable on shoots; I’ve got one f—king pose – moody’), he’s in a black ’90s-inspired collared jumper, black trousers and black trainers.

He pushes his fringe to one side. The Doncaster accent, which softened in his 1D days, is back to pure, unfettered South Yorks. It’s all ‘in t’band’, ‘I didn’t know owt’, and swearing like a navvy. He’s honest, funny, and if his feet were planted any more firmly on the ground he’d be unable to walk.

I tell him about the YouTube comment, which seems to reflect the genuine care his fans have for him.

‘Ah, yeah I know, they’re considerate, they are. We’ve got a special, interesting bond. They’ve grown up with me – and I’ve been through some personal stuff and they’ve always been there for me.’

Tomlinson’s album, Walls, has been a long time coming. Immediately after One Direction split, he released a couple of singles – dance-y pop collaborations – which were fine, but not what he wanted to make. Halfway through writing Walls he realised, ‘If I’m chasing radio with every song I write, I’m not going to be doing this job for very long.’

So he relaxed, and the result is a mix of strong, melody-driven pop of the kind One Direction mastered, and what Tomlinson is really into, namely guitar-driven indie and Britpop. Some songs for the fans; some nodding to the future.

‘It’s a five-album plan. There’s bits where I’ve been almost selfish, and bits where I’ve been respectful to the fan base and what they love listening to,’ he says. ‘Then the next will be a step closer to the stuff I want to make. But I’ve got to earn my stripes.’

The dominant theme, I say, appears to be resilience. On the single Don’t Let It Break Your Heart, he advises, ‘Even when it hurts like hell / Oh, whatever tears you apart / Don’t let it break your heart.’ On the rousing title track (which features a writing credit for Noel Gallagher, who gave his blessing for a chorus strikingly similar to an Oasis tune), he sings, ‘These high walls that broke my soul / I watched all come falling down.’

It could be to do with grief, professional struggles, or his relationship. He nods.

‘Yeah, I write very autobiographically and had so much going on in my head, but in the struggle I’m trying to paint the message that you’re always left with a choice: to see the glass half-full or half-empty. It’s showing there’s hope.’

Some songwriters have found grief productive, others paralysing. Tomlinson was the former. One track on Walls is the previously released Two of Us, a beautiful, simple song written about his mum (‘You’ll never know how much I miss you / The day that they took you, I wish it was me instead’).

‘What’s amazing about this job is that regardless of the situation, you get something positive at the end of it. That’s obviously an emotionally heavy song for me, but fans have come up to me in floods of tears and talked about how it’s helped in their own tragedy. It’s incredible. From the dark, you can give hope.’

For the first three years of his life, Tomlinson was raised alone by Johannah, who split from his father, Troy Austin, when he was a baby. They lived above a launderette in Doncaster, where his mother worked multiple jobs, principally as a midwife, before she married Mark Tomlinson, a van salesman who became Louis’s stepfather. The three moved into a two-up, two-down, which was soon filled with half-sisters: Lottie, now 21, Félicité, then twins Daisy and Phoebe, now 16.

‘It was mad. They’re manic, young girls…’ he says. ‘Mum and Mark had a decent income but they couldn’t spread it around [a family of] seven. At times things were really good, you’d get 20 quid in a birthday card, but others were really difficult. I remember the electricity meter – you’d get five quid on the house as an emergency when you couldn’t top it up. Sometimes it’d be a gamble when it’d run out…’

Tomlinson wasn’t particularly academic – ‘though I’m not daft or owt’ – but loved school. There, he joined a band at 16 and found he was OK at singing, so he applied to audition for The X Factor. He failed, twice, but succeeded on the third try, in 2010, performing a fairly terrible (he admits it) version of Plain White T’s Hey There Delilah.

A few months later, at the ‘bootcamp’ stage, Cowell had the idea of creating a band comprised of Tomlinson and four other solo boys: Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan and Liam Payne. They were to be called One Direction. Tomlinson, who’d been intimidated by the standard of other vocalists in the competition, ‘bit their hand off’ at the offer. ‘I was like, “This is my ticket.”’

The show came just after his second run at the first year of his A levels. He’d failed the first time, with UUE in psychology, PE and English, which his mum had ‘absolutely ripped [his] head off’ for. The second time he’d gone one better, UEE. So he lied, telling her he got a smattering of Ds, and came up with a plan.

‘I waited until after the X Factor final, when we were all sat around drinking champagne, and told her, “By the way, I bulls—tted you on those results. I failed again, but hopefully we’ll be all right now…”’ he laughs. ‘She was fine. I picked my moment well.’

One Direction came third in the final, losing to runner-up Rebecca Ferguson and winner Matt Cardle, a former painter-decorator who now performs in the West End. But it was always felt that the group would go furthest, not least because Cowell was such a supporter (all the other boys have now left his record label, Syco, but because ‘loyalty is the biggest thing’ for Tomlinson, he’s stayed).

Eighteen when the group started, Tomlinson was the oldest member (the others were 16 and 17), ‘just allowed to drink, just allowed to drive’, but suddenly everything in his life was controlled.

‘You’re ready to be reckless and stupid, but then I was in the band and couldn’t ever act like that, especially not publicly,’ he says. They went on their first headline concert tour in 2011, and soon had fans surrounding their hotels overnight, wherever in the world they went. Naturally, they embraced partying.

‘There was a good 18 months where I was going out all the time. The press love to write about that as if it’s this chaotic thing, and at times it was, but it’s also an escape. Once you have a couple of drinks down you in a club, you’re just someone in the club, part of everyone else, and not everyone is looking at you.’

Even when he was away, he kept in contact with his mum by phone – or in person, when she could join him – as much as possible. The two were impossibly close: she had access to his emails; he told her when he lost his virginity; she knew about his finances.

‘One thing I’ve learnt since losing her is that any decision, even if I knew the answer, I’d call her,’ he says. ‘I didn’t realise how reliant I’d become on her. That was the hardest thing for me, understanding that living life after meant making decisions on my own. I thought I’d always have a sounding board. There was a different level of credibility with my mum, because I idolised her.’

Styles has recently joked that One Direction were ‘grown in test tubes’ by Cowell, but Tomlinson insists that part of their appeal lay in the fact that they all had their own personalities and talents, which weren’t forced on them. Still, it took him years to know where he fitted. Styles was cool, a heart-throb. Malik was moody and mysterious. Horan was cute and Irish. Payne was whatever Payne was. But Tomlinson wasn’t sure.

‘You’ve got to be dead cocky in Doncaster to survive – it’s either that or be picked on. So I used to walk around with a chip on my shoulder. But I’d always been the funny guy, centre of attention, so I never struggled to make mates,’ he says. ‘It was weird suddenly being in a situation where one or two members are constantly in a better position. It took me a while to understand my strengths. I was the oldest and it wasn’t until the third album when I made it my mission to write the most.’

He succeeded: Tomlinson’s writing credit appears on 39 of the 96 songs One Direction recorded, four more than Payne and dozens more than the rest. But it was intense. There were times when he considered quitting the band, if only to allow him to escape the attention, but he likens that to children running away from home. ‘By the time you get halfway down the street you regret it and go back…’

‘Directioners’ were ‘fanatical’ about the boys, to a frequently absurd degree. And not every encounter was surreally funny. The year after the hiatus began, in 2017, Tomlinson and Calder were involved in a scuffle with paparazzi and fans at the airport in LA. Fists possibly flew, and Tomlinson was arrested, only for no further action to be taken. The fans now are still loyal, still ardent, but they’ve matured with him.

What kept him grounded, as the money rolled in (I have heard that each of the boys amassed a £40 million fortune from the band, and that collectively they still earn around £38,000 a week from royalties, merchandise and so on) and the fans bayed, was keeping friends from Doncaster around. When I arrived at today’s photo shoot, Tomlinson was busy doing his singular pose at one end of the room, while at the other, near the free pastries, a young redheaded bloke in a tracksuit lurked, scrolling through his phone.

He introduced himself as Oli, Tomlinson’s ‘mate from Donny’, who has spent the better part of a decade travelling the world with his pop-star friend, and seems to operate as a walking comfort blanket. They live together when Tomlinson’s in LA.

They also live together when he’s in London. I imagine there’s space for house guests wherever he is, though: it has been reported that he put his Hollywood Hills mansion on the market last year for $6.995 million, and the previous year valued another property in California at $13.999 million, after apparently renting it out for $40,000 per month.

‘I’m hoping to do a bit of work with Louis’s tour manager this year,’ Oli says, cheerfully. I later discover he’s so ever-present with Tomlinson that he even has his own fan accounts on social media.

‘I remember bringing a mate out for our first US tour. He called from his hotel with his mind blown by being able to pick up a phone and they’d just bring you food,’ Tomlinson says. ‘I go back to Donny and hear heavy s—t – struggles with jobs, money, family, health. That humbles me, and gives me a better emotional intelligence.’

He reckons ‘eight out of 10 people have an ulterior motive’ when they meet him. Luckily he can tell if someone’s a pre-fame friend. His name is pronounced ‘Loo-ee’, but he wasn’t keen on it as a child, so had mates, like Oli, pronounce it ‘Lewis’, which they still do. Unfortunately Cowell guessed at ‘Loo-ee’ on The X Factor, so that was that for the stage name.

By 2015, some members of One Direction felt an itch to break off – or just have a break – and try their own thing. Malik had gone in March, and while a full split seemed inevitable, Tomlinson was still caught off-guard.

‘I was f—king fuming at first. We were working really hard – people [namely, Payne] have said overworked, but we weren’t overworked, that’s just what happens when you’re a band that size, though I understand. I thought I’d mentally prepared myself for a break, but it hit me hard.’

He was finally feeling comfortable in the band, and hadn’t thought about a solo career.

‘About a week after, I sat there thinking, “Strike while the iron’s hot,” but I wasn’t ready. I was bitter and angry, I didn’t know why we couldn’t just carry on. But now, even though I don’t fully understand everyone’s individual reasons, I respect them.’

They’re ostensibly all still mates, despite going in radically different musical directions, though some are closer than others. Tomlinson seems to mention Horan with most affection, and the pair performed at the same event in Mexico in November, titillating 1D fans by sound-checking together with one of the band’s old songs.

If it was up to you, I ask, would the group still be going? He considers this for a moment.

‘It if was up to me, yeah. I’d maybe have said, “Let’s have a year off.” But yeah, probably. I’m sure there’s a better analogy out there but it’s a bit like [shutting down] Coca-Cola. You don’t say, “Right, let’s hang the boots up on that,” because it’s a massive thing.’

Afterwards he muddled around for a bit, including releasing those early singles – one of which he performed on The X Factor, rigid with grief, just days after his mum’s death. Then he returned to the show last year as a judge, alongside Cowell, Robbie Williams and Williams’s wife, Ayda Field.

Did he get on with Robbie? He smiles, arching an eyebrow. ‘Why do you ask?’ Well, he came out of a boy band, went solo…

‘Oh, yeah, he was all right. He’s a good man, we were just different from each other. Certain moments I thought, “F—king hell, Robbie, just sit down for five minutes, I’ve got something to say.” I love his missus though, Ayda, she’s sound.’

Tomlinson liked mentoring, and during our conversation it becomes clear he’s fuelled by responsibility. He was the oldest sibling in his house, and although Mark Tomlinson and Johannah’s second husband (after divorcing Mark in 2011, she married Dan Deakin in 2014; they had twins Ernest and Doris) are still around, he became a paternal figure after she died. He’s particularly involved in the lives of Daisy and Phoebe, to whom he’s ‘a kind of second parent’.

‘Without being too soppy, I like looking after people, it’s cool. At the moment I’m stressing trying to convince Daisy and Phoebe to go to sixth form. They’ve been to private school near Donny, and it’s proper expensive. I’m paying for it thinking they’re staying on, but now they don’t want to go. I told them education is important. I’m like, “You’re 16, you haven’t got a f—king idea what the real world is,”’ he says.

‘What’s difficult about those two is they’ve only known the 1D craziness. They’ve grown up in this elitist way, which is very different from my upbringing and Lottie’s, and the values my mum taught us.’

He gives a ‘kids, eh?’ sigh. ‘Consistency is the big thing. I’m trying to get better at being in their heads enough so they think, “I wonder if Louis thinks this is a good idea?”’

Lottie lives in Hackney, east London. When she was a teenager, Tomlinson got her a job assisting One Direction’s make-up artist, and within a few years she’d become a ridiculously popular Instagrammer (currently with 3.4 million followers, still 10 million shy of Louis). Her big brother told her Instagram’s fine, but she must ‘become a proper businesswoman’ in case the bubble bursts. In 2018 she launched Tanologist, a successful fake-tan brand.

‘I’m so proud of her. She’s just been in Australia, where she’s stocked in Melbourne’s version of Boots!’ Tomlinson says, beaming.

Félicité, known to the family as Fizz, was also a budding Instagrammer. After her death last March, a post-mortem revealed ‘toxic’ levels of anti-anxiety and pain medications, as well as cocaine, in her blood. Six months later, an inquest heard that she had visited her GP in August 2018 and ‘gave a history of recreational drug use… on a consistent basis since the death of her mother’. She had taken overdoses and been admitted to a rehabilitation clinic.

Tomlinson hesitates to say anything was ‘easier’, comparing the deaths of Félicité and his mum, as ‘both felt very individual, and hit me with a big impact… but I think dealing with the family, how I can be there for them, that was a lot easier the second time because the first time I was grieving and didn’t know what to say. As time went on I grew to understand what to say to my sisters.’

Prioritising the feelings of your sisters in the immediate aftermath is understandable, I say, but I wonder if anyone took care of you. He looks surprised.

‘No, but friends and family, my best mate… I feel their support but I get most out of doing stuff for other people. I don’t say that to sound like a good guy, it’s genuinely what gives me strength.’

Did you ever consider grief therapy?

‘Nah, a lot of people recommended it but I’m a little bit old-fashioned when it comes to therapy. I’m sure it’s incredible, but I thought I’d be all right, and I have been till now.’ One of his many tattoos consists of the words ‘It Is What It Is’ across his chest. ‘I know the things I’ve been upset about in my life are s—t, but I can’t change them, so you have to make the best of what you’ve got.’

Tomlinson gives his own big smile. Our time’s nearly up, and he’d like a cigarette. After all you’ve been through, I tell him, people would have understood if you’d called it a day. You could have lived off royalties, enjoyed a quiet life.

‘Definitely, definitely. But do you know what? It didn’t cross my mind once. I somehow have an inability to worry, and just get on with things,’ he says, shrugging. ‘It’s definitely made me stronger. I’ve gone through every emotion, and I’m just f—king excited now.’

I think we have an answer. How is Louis Tomlinson? Hopefully, he’ll be just fine.

Walls is released on 31 January

#some things have been removed #louis tomlinson #17jan20

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theyellowplaceposts · 3 years

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Will you marry me, Harry Styles?

I first saw Harry Styles one Friday night in 2011. I found him in my childhood home, where my big sister and her other 13 year old friends were watching videos of a British boy band on our HP Pavilion desktop. I inserted myself in a corner behind them and watched over their shoulders while a rambunctious group of 5 teenage boys, sitting in a staircase, answered questions from fans bumbling with laughter and awkwardness.

I soon came to know these 5 boys as a music sensation called One Direction. One Direction, a British boy band, who at the time, only had two songs out. Consisting of Harry Styles, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan and Zayn Malik, the group was quickly ravishing the hearts of young girls across the globe. First formed on the British television show “The X Factor” in the winter of 2010, they’d found their way into our family basement on a Friday in 2011.

I spent that weekend finding out as much as I possibly could about “1D.” I’d scoured the internet for their birthdays, favourite foods and songs, their ideal girls and personality types. Devoting my Friday, Saturday and Sunday to my research, I couldn’t wait for school to come around so that I could deliver the heart pounding news to my friends. And by that Monday at lunch, courtesy of the J-14 magazine I brought in my backpack, the news of One Direction had spread amongst the elementary school girls like head lice.

At recess we traded in Taio Cruze’s “Dynamite” for 1D’s “What Makes You Beautiful,” during math we wrote their names, circled in hearts, on the pages of our Hilroy Exercise books, and at lunch we called dibs on our favourite members. And I, getting first pick, had only one name in mind: Harry Edward Styles.

Harry Styles and I are exactly 6 years and two months apart, him being born on the first day of February and I, on the last day of March. Harry Styles has brown curly hair and dimples on each cheek. He has green eyes, and looks like a young Mick Jagger. Harry Styles is sensitive because he cried once in the documentary “One direction : A Year in the Making.” He loves John Mayor, and The Rolling Stones. And I was certain that if Harry Styles really knew me, he would love me.

I figured at around nineteen would be the most appropriate age for Harry to fall in love with me, right around his twenty fifth year of life. I spent most of my sixth grade year planning for my nineteenth birthday, 8 years from 2011. I researched universities in London, where he lived and spent his time when he wasn’t touring. I looked up apartment prices, and scholarship options. I thought about how I’d break it to my mom. I wondered if my sister and friends would miss me. But the goal was Harry Styles, and as long as we were in the same place, at the right time, the universe would do the rest, it owed me that much.

Before then, however, I made sure Harry and I wasted no time. Harry Styles and I spent our days in his apartment, watching movies, making pancakes, and dancing in the kitchen. Our meet cutes extensive, from cafes to airports to mutual friends and parties, Harry and I seem to always have a way to find each other. Though we sometimes fight, or break up for weeks at a time, always for different reasons: cheating, distance, dependency, we always find our way back to each other. We spend the afternoons outside with our friends, we celebrate birthdays in quirky restaurants and Christmas in his family home. And our relationship goes on like this from the age of 11, into the next couple of years.

---

While my mom and her new boyfriend drank to an excessive amount and fought in our kitchen, Harry Styles and I met for the first time at a cafe in London. He came over to my table and asked “Is this seat taken?” Stunned by my Canadian accent, he asked questions about where I was from and what brought me to London. Pretending I didn’t recognize him, he and I laugh and exchange vast conversations about his interest in sign language and my ability to speak french. He doesn’t want to leave without having gotten my number, which I sheepishly provide on the cafe napkin.

Harry took me out to Cheshire, the county in England where he’s from, to meet his mother and sister one afternoon. We drank coffee in his mom’s backyard after Cameron Fullum made me cry, calling me “big girl” in the 8th grade hallway. I helped his mother cook dinner for all of us, and his sister Gemma told him how much she liked me.

Though our relationship, like any real relationship, was not all rosey. We fought about trivial things like distance and harmless text messages. Once, after I had spent hours trying to break open a storage trunk and my undiagnosed OCD kept me up all night, Harry and I got into a big fight while he was on the “Take Me Home” tour. I was upset because there were pictures of him online, seemingly on a date with another girl, and he was upset because he couldn’t understand why I didn’t trust him.

Though Harry Styles and I aren’t perfect, we spend years together happy and in love. We split our time between our home in London and wherever his tour with One Direction might take us, making only occasional trips back to Canada, to see my high school friends and my mother. We celebrate birthdays, Christmases and album releases together, my own graduation from University and the landing of my dream job. Harry and I brave the world together, leaning on and caring for each other; always at ease to know we aren’t alone.

---

Harry Styles and I break up when I’m about sixteen. It was more me than him. Though we both got busy, me with getting older, after school activities and a boy from my history and science class. Him, with the end of One Direction, a daunting solo career, and a debut album to write. With less time for each other and so many distractions, we both ended up different people, in different places unaware how we became so separate in the first place, give or take a few details.

At the time, it felt like Harry Styles had disappeared from my life as quickly as he had come into it. I became so preoccupied that I’d left him, my dearest Harry Styles, somewhere between exam prep and Halloween parties, all too busy with my 16 year old social life to notice. All of a sudden years had passed and I’d let him go without really knowing it.

Today, I’m reminded of him only when I see him on my TV at an awards ceremony or through my laptop, dotting around on a twitter feed. In moments like this I’m reminded of the person I knew, and the whole other person that exists, and I wonder if they are mutually exclusive.

The Harry I knew felt so real to me, I can still feel him. I hear Harry's voice and it's as familiar to me as my own mothers. I can still pick his hands out from a crowd. I can still sing every line from any One Direction album.

Harry Styles and I existed somewhere different, in a world where I was thin and smart. In a place where my OCD didn’t plague my every thought and my mom never met her boyfriend. In a place where I felt safe. I sought refuge in Harry Styles and in return he was kind to me. Harry Styles and I were best friends. And if we’re being honest I’d probably still marry him if he’d just ask.

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elceeu2morrow · 4 years

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By Guy Kelly 17 JANUARY 2020 • 8:00PM

He became a bona-fide teen pop superstar as part of One Direction, then suffered unthinkable personal loss. Louis Tomlinson talks to Guy Kelly about fame, family and what comes next.

[complete article below the cut]

Settling down with Tomlinson in the corner of a west London photo studio, then, it seems as good a place as any to start: how is he?

I tell him about the YouTube comment, which seems to reflect the genuine care his fans have for him.

It could be to do with grief, professional struggles, or his relationship – he’s happily with his girlfriend, 27-year-old fashion blogger Eleanor Calder, but they’ve been on and off over the years. He nods.

Eighteen when the group started, Tomlinson was the oldest member (the others were 16 and 17), ‘just allowed to drink, just allowed to drive’, but suddenly everything in his life was controlled.

They also live together when he’s in London, along with Calder, to whom it was recently reported that Tomlinson is engaged (his representatives denied the rumour). I imagine there’s space for house guests wherever he is, though: it has been reported that he put his Hollywood Hills mansion on the market last year for $6.995 million, and the previous year valued another property in California at $13.999 million, after apparently renting it out for $40,000 per month.

He was finally feeling comfortable in the band, and hadn’t thought about a solo career.

If it was up to you, I ask, would the group still be going? He considers this for a moment.

Did he get on with Robbie? He smiles, arching an eyebrow. ‘Why do you ask?’ Well, he came out of a boy band, went solo…

He gives a ‘kids, eh?’ sigh. ‘Consistency is the big thing. I’m trying to get better at being in their heads enough so they think, “I wonder if Louis thinks this is a good idea?”’

‘I’m so proud of her. She’s just been in Australia, where she’s stocked in Melbourne’s version of Boots!’ Tomlinson says, beaming.

Prioritising the feelings of your sisters in the immediate aftermath is understandable, I say, but I wonder if anyone took care of you. He looks surprised.

‘No, but friends and family, my best mate, my girlfriend, my son… I feel their support but I get most out of doing stuff for other people. I don’t say that to sound like a good guy, it’s genuinely what gives me strength.’

Did you ever consider grief therapy?

What he’s got is an album to launch, a world tour to prep for and, immediately, a flight to catch. He and Oli are off to see Freddie. ‘When I’m working I definitely don’t see him enough,’ Tomlinson says, ‘but he looks just like me, which is cool. I’m excited to see his big smile.’

I think we have an answer. How is Louis Tomlinson? Hopefully, he’ll be just fine.

Walls is released on 31 January

#unedited #lt interview #lt news #telegraph 2020 #1.17.20 #walls promo #elounor 2.0 #baby stunt #rip jay #rip fizzy #family #oli #1d mention #who's taking care of you #paying for the twins #being a parent

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harryfeatgaga · 6 years

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I'm dying laughing at the CEO of the Recording Academy trying to cover his ass cause he knew he made a mistake all while questioning if Harry's reached a "level of excellence to merit a nomination." But gave the Chainsmokers and Meghan fucking Trainor a Grammy. Where was the excellence from them? The Chainsmokers song was played at Frat parties and dirty basement, is that's excellence then I don't want Harry to reach that point.

i literally cannot believe

Anonymous said: My dad just texted me from work to see if I was okay because he got a call from the neighbours saying there’s been the same song on loop on full blast (that song is the Grammy robbed Sign of the Times by the Grammy deserving Harry Edward Styles)

DJNFBGUHFBJNHFIJNBFHJKF MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: I bet that one anon you got a few days ago is cackling and trying to talk shit about how they knew Harry isn't talented enough to get a Grammy or something stupid like that

they can ch*ke

Anonymous said: Niall did great things with his album and it got great hype by both the public and music producers so if his album made the deadline I would easily say his album deserved a nomination. But the other boys haven’t even released albums yet and their singles were just good for radio play.

i haven't listened to his album still lol but noah fence from what i saw it did not get nearly as great reviews and hype as harrys lol and idk why the others even bothered fhbgfjkvl

Anonymous said: Boycott the Grammys 2k18!

tru!!!

Anonymous said: I’m just going to air out my grievances if that’s ok- first of all,Harry’s management or record company stuffed up bad cos y’all know damn well the members don’t vote artists with a progressive sound into the rock category so you fucked up there. second - Bruno mars is clearly this ceremony’s Taylor swift cos idk how tf his flimsy song about material things got nominated over a relevant refreshing ballad like SOTT . Harry deserved better , but also, harry needs to fire some incompetent people ✌️

well harry made music he wanted lol not stuff thats gonna get played on the radio which i enjoy lol but yea bruno is the tswift this year....or j*y z

Anonymous said: The thing that sucks is he most likely was planning on going to the Grammys cause he's performing for Fleetwood Mac the day before, but now he's going to be in New York and not going.....

PLEASE :(

Anonymous said: I was really disappointed but more for him than me like my first thought was “I hope he’s alright and not too sad about it” And I really hope he understands that it doesn’t make him any less good because an award is just an award and it never defines who you are as an artist and as a person.

i know I'm so sad for him i hope he's okay :(

Anonymous said: Harry is the best artist in the world right now he doesn’t need awards!!

tru! but it would've been nice to even get a nom/recognition

Anonymous said: You can tell the Grammy' will just nominated any old shite. I mean Ed Sheeran has the biggest album of the year yet he isn't nominated. And i didn't even know JayZ had an album out and he's nominated. Like no offense but American music industry is just shit.

ed is nominated and some other categories which I'm sure he will win and literally same i had no idea jay z had music out lmao

Anonymous said: Scrap what i said, Zayn didn't get nominated. It was for songwriting and he didn't write that song.

good

Anonymous said: He got all that hype, he did that private show for them, they went his his first show in LA. They for sure used him for hype and media attention. Robbing bastards.

seriously

Anonymous said: A LOUIS FAN CLAIMING LOUIS DESERVED A NOM YALL I WAS SAD BUT NOT NOW. NOW A BITCH CANT STOP LAUGHING. HE AIN'T EVER GETTING SHIT

LMAOOOOO BYEEEEE AS IF

Anonymous said: I just hope he knows Grammys ain’t shit

honestly

Anonymous said: I know it’s not the end of the world, but I hope he’s not super disappointed and sad, because everyone hyped him up so much smh. Also, I bet this will change how he does promo and radio shit for his next album, they should get him a radio deal just for the fact that clearly that’s all these loser Grammy voters care about.

well if thats what he has to do to get a grammy i don't think that would be worth it and i don't think he would think that either

Anonymous said: Jay Z can fucking choke like his album? The shit he did to beyonce? I’m not fucking rewarding a man for being like that anymore, he can take his ancient ass somewhere else.

nasty

Anonymous said: Good, now I don’t have to watch the Grammys this year, I’m glad tbh since I’m not really a fan of any of the other nominees and I’m sick to death of hearing the same five songs all fucking year lol, that issues song? Fucking hate it, have since day one, can’t believe it got nominated for shit lol. However Jeff needs to get Harry a radio deal since clearly that’s all that matters to voters, considering Harry did all the courting of the voters he could and still got fucked.

i literally haven't even heard most of whats nominated its such a joke

Anonymous said: Most nominees in the important categories are poc so I’m not completely mad and besides Despacito or however you write it (which is a horrible song) they nominated well deserved ones. I still think SOTT should’ve got at least one nomination but I think that maybe because harry is fresh out of the oven they’re not gonna straight up give him a nomination even if he deserves it.

yea i mean its awesome theres actually diversity this year but SOTT literally deserved a ROTY nom

Anonymous said: Nah Harry will get Brit nominations because he’s respected in his own country, the Brits also nominated 1D they don’t hold being in a boy band against him which clearly the Grammy voters do, which is a real shame tbh. But the Grammys are continuing to dig their own grave and become more and more unimportant every year.

i cant wait till the grammys just make such a food of themselves no one goes

Anonymous said: Pls the whole Grammys is a conspiracy theory lol I told you

a mess

Anonymous said: The Grammys lost all credibility after giving Adele Album of the Year last year and not Beyonce. They stick to the basics and just anyone who doesn't "break the rules of music" Harry's first solo song was a 6 minute long rock ballad, which doesn't go with what was expected to be put out. They don't care for originality or you know talent, that's why Ed Sheeran's wack ass has won 🤷🏼‍♀️

SERIOUSLY

Anonymous said: He'll probably get nominated for Song of the year and Video of the year at the Brits. Pretty sure both are fan voted. Maybe best male as well. Also maybe best album but then again probably not because it depends. Also maybe global success. I can't think who else would get that right now. Maybe Ed Sheeran again.

i hope so

Anonymous said: Grammys? I don’t know her. Anyway I hope Harry knows how proud everyone is of him and I hope he’s proud of himself I love my baby 🤧💕

ME!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: i feel so much for harry i mean he did everything he could he put out a phenomenal single and a stellar album and worked with amazing producers and writers and did the grammy performance thing and all that stuff with cbs and like i know im biased but he deserves SOME recognition for all of that like he really did put out amazing music this year that was so much more worthy than despacito like come on he was robbed i just hope he feels okay and valid bc he IS :(

i know :( like i hope he knows he still has done such incredible things this year and his album is so good and he doesn't need a stupid grammy anyway

Anonymous said: Taylor is nominated for two (one for the country song she wrote). Like no offense the the American music industry but you need to get your head out of Taylor arse and stop being snobs. SOTT deserved a nomination.

when will they stop kissing her ass

Anonymous said: Harry broke records held by legends, had a BBC special, performed at the record academy, and sold out an arena tour in minutes. So Julia Michaels and Ed Sheehan can take their boring ass music along with their nominations and shove it up their asses.

TBH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: I’m sorry but I have to point out the irony. The lyrics of the song are literally stop your crying it’s a sign of the times. and I know there’s a deeper meaning, but this year fucking sucks

i know :(

Anonymous said: All that hype for nothing. Boy was robbed. Sign of the times deserves a Grammy.

ROBBED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: Everyone knows no one, NO ONE deserved a nomination more then Harry. White old men disappointing me again. Like every fucking person said Harry deserved one. ISSUES AS SONG OF THE YEAR? YALL I NEED THEIR CRACK DEALER CAUSE CLEARLY ITS SOME GOOD SHIT TO GET YOU TO THINK FUCKING ISSUES IS SONG OF THE YEAR. Nah fuck them.

FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said: I’m so?? Noah fence but the songs that got nominated? What the fuck???? Harry deserved to be up there whether it was roty or aoty idc he just deserves to be nominated.

seriously

Anonymous said: LISTEN in 10 years time people will look back and say why the fuck wasn’t SOTT a Grammy winner... he is timeless and he’ll win in the end!! The Grammys are fucked

THEY WILL REGRET IT

Anonymous said: The Grammys just proved again how much they don’t matter lol, Harry’s song and album was on every single list as one of the best of the entire year, and the you know who wasn’t? Most of those other songs lmao so whatever man I know the Grammys matters to harry, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore they continue to be irrelevant and continue to nominate mediocrity.

its such a joke lmao

Anonymous said: Yeah honestly the Grammys really do only care about awarding the same people over and over again, and it’s like, no offense but who cares lol. I’m sure Jay Zs album is good but he’s nearly 50 and been nominated a ton like idc anymore lol. And I like Bruno mars but seriously? The songs he was nominated for really aren’t that great lmao.

seriously tho like j*y z has enough awards

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theworstbob · 7 years

Text

yellin’ at songs, 5.19.2007 & 5.20.2017

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and last year this week.

5.19.2007

27) "(You Want To) Make a Memory," Bon Jovi

I was so fucking stoked for a real-ass power ballad before I remembered that Bon Jovi was country in 2007. This song was boring. It's kind of weird, though, like, a couple weeks ago, I argued that, if you're gonna name your song something like "Johnny Cash" or "Marvin Gaye," you need to produce something on par with your song's namesake's catalogue so that people can justify listening to your nonsense instead of their works. This is a spin on that idea: how rough is it to be Bon Jovi and have to justify your continued existence when people liked the things you already made? Like imagine trying to tell people that this pop/country ballad deserves a place on your shelf alongside "You Give Love a Bad Name." The burden of expectation is rough, and I try to evaluate songs based on what they are and not what they could be but like I could have listened to "You Give Love a Bad Name."

53) "Working Class Hero," Green Day

Socialism is so hot right now. Look at all these Johnny-come-lefties hopping on the bandwagon now that the cool grandpa from the election made socialism palatable for a mass audience. Fucking poseurs. REAL socialists have been on board ever since they heard that one Green Day cover when they were 17.

77) "Do it Just Like a Rockstar," Freak Nasty ft./Crazy Mike

My first thought upon seeing this song was, wow, the turnaround time on this ripoff is outstanding! I'm glad they could get Saunter the Jewels to collaborate on this, impressive work! And then I sat down to listen to this song, and it was... this? To call the production quality of this track amateurish would be an insult to amateurs. This was fucking awful. But not only that, when I tried to FIND this song on The Youtube, dot com, I was directed to the Freak Nasty - Topic page I am used to seeing for the bar bands I enjoyed as a teen, the - Topic page for the songs no one remembered. YouTube thought I was searching for "Party Like a Rockstar," and that is fair. This is all the research I cared to do: according to Wikipedia, this was indexed on iTunes as "Party Like a Rockstar," and it was indexed as such for two weeks before the Shop Boyz released "Party Like a Rockstar" digitally. 30,000 people bought this song thinking it was a GOOD shitty song, and they ended up with this nonsense because this song so shitty the people in charge of putting it onto the internet didn't even bother to get the title right. This song just randomly made $30,000 one day. I don't know what Freak Nasty's cut of the profits was, but I hope he bought something fun with his bonus. I want an oral history of this song immediately.

93) "Lean Like a Cholo," Down AKA Kilo

I don't have a lot of things to say about this one. After listening to Freak Nasty, I was excited to hear something akin to production values, and hey: rapper of Mexican heritage! Always interesting! This song is bad? But, hey, sometimes debut singles are safe, they aim to do nothing more than get someone to dance so you associate the artist with something that made you feel good and thus come to associate that artist with a good feeling, and as the artist builds that trust with their audience that they will supply the good feeling, they will create more complex and more satisfying works. I electing not to find out of Down AKA Kilo has created the Mexican To Pimp a Butterfly, because this song is bad, but I am not ruling out the possibility that he has created works of some worth.

You’ll never guess what the 2007 Top 20 looks like: 20) "When I See U," by Fantasia (4.21.2007) 19) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 18) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 17) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 16) "Breath," by Breaking Benjamin (4.14.2007) 15) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 14) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 13) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 12) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 11) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 10) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 9) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 8) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 7) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 6) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 5) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 4) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 3) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007) And next week, we get an R. Kelly song! That’ll be a fun thing to deal with!

5.20.2017

1) "I'm the One," by DJ Khaled ft./Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper & Lil Wayne

Between the Fall Out Boy disaster not making a debut and this breezy summer jam, I'ma say 2017 clinched the W right off the bat. This, like "Cake" and "Swalla" before it, is simply a fun if slightly repugnant good time. (I don't think anyone needed to hear Chance the Rapper talk about how he makes the pussy melt. Like, come on, dude.) This is a series intended on making me think about the things I listen to, and this is a song that insists you not think for five minutes, so this song and I value much different things in life, but I will not deny that this is a fun-ass beat.

61) "1-800-273-8255," by Logic ft./Alessia Cara & Khalid

This is a song by people who have never been depressed but have read several tweet threads about mental illness and decided they had to Say Something. This is the first draft of the worst Atmosphere song, a song in which someone scared of their own darkness tries to inhabit a character enveloped by it. "What's the day without a little night?" Depression is not just a little night, you stu -- and I know you're trying to help, I understand that I'm the bad guy because I'm complaining about the suicide hotline song, but depression isn't something you go through, it's something you live with. I don't think anyone on this track understands that. I don't think it earns its message, and -- fuck's sake, THIS is the beat you're gonna use to tell me life is worth living? THIS is the backing track you think is gonna convince people to call the suicide hotline? This plodding go-nowhere PBRnB bullshit? Fuck off, man. Yeah, maybe the "I'm the One" beat would be an inappropriate call here, but you've gotta do SOMETHING more dramatic. Shit, man, someone's on the phone saying they wanna end their life, and this song sounds like someone saying, "Eh. Life's cool. Y'all should keep tryin' it, iono. You sure you're not just sad that it's raining? Eh, weather. We've had some rain past few days, people need the sun."

67) "First Time," by Kygo & Ellie Goulding

"We were sippin' on emotion/Smoking and inhaling every moment." WHO THE FUCK WRITES LYRICS FOR KYGO BECAUSE THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND I LOVE THEM. Alright, between this and "It Ain't Me," I am all in on the Kygo bandwagon. He is the official EDMer of YAS. He makes songs about loving life that don’t feel like the saddest thing in the world, and I don’t know enough about him to know I should hate him like I do with Calvin Harris or The Chainsmokers. Good job, Kygo!

70) "Thunder," by Imagine Dragons

...You know, you guys didn't listen to "Hard Times" last week. No shade. I knew it was gonna have a short life on the chart if it had any life at all. But, uh, this has a higher debut? And it's probably gonna last longer? And also, this isn't related, but "do re mi" hung around for another week? I dunno. I just remember a time when our rock bands actually rocked, and that time was last week, because that Paramore song is great, and I would much prefer to think about "Hard Times" than whatever this was. Isn't this the same song as "Believer?" Like, that song was about how stoked Imagine Dragons is to be famous, this song is about how stoked Imagine Dragons is to be famous? Am I willfully misinterpreting things for the sake of having something to say, or do I have a legit thing to say? Who cares. Final review of “Thunder:” "Hard Times" is song of the year 2017.

76) "Bon Appetit," by Katy Perry ft./Migos

The most useful thing this song did is have the individual members of Migos say their names before their verse so that a polite audience who has been listening to "Bad & Boujee" for six months no longer had to wonder if it was OK to ask, or if they should have already known. Takeoff is the one with the deep gravel voice, Offset is the one with hella Southern drawl, and Quavo is the Good one. Thanks, "Bon Appetit!" You were otherwise worthless, oh boy just what I needed another Katy Perry song with a thuddingly stupid sexual metaphor (bob didn’t you like that jason derulo song) THAT’S JUST THUDDINGLY STUPID JASON DERULO DON’T FUCK WITH METAPHORS LET ME HAVE MY CONTRADICTIONS, but you have provided a world with a Dummies' Guide to ATL, and I will never forget you for doing this favor for me.

87) "Pirvacy," by Chris Brown

I am not going to listen to this for the obvious reasons, but I have to imagine a Chris Brown song called "Privacy" is the worst fucking thing imaginable. Is this fucknugget seriously releasing a 40-track double album? Not only is he not punished for the Riahnna thing, he's given ARTISTIC FREEDOM!?

90) "Slow Hands," by Niall Horan

90?! Yikes! If this 1D song couldn't even crack Top 80, I can't imagine how much worse it is than "Sign of the Times" or ZAYN's solo stuff. /// Oh, this was nice! Teens! This nice sweet boy made a fine song! Why are you ignoring him? This is the song Charlie Puth has been trying to make for the last three years. Which isn't to say it's good white boy soul, I think Niall Horan is a years' worth of pain away from being able to pull off solid white boy soul, but it's acceptable trash. If I saw this trash lying on the street, I wouldn't be happy to see it, but I'd be 90% sure it's compostable, and while I'm not quite sure what that means I'm pretty sure that means it won't harm the world. Bob please edit that comparison before you hit publish, love, your future self who wants to be taken seriously.

91) "Magnolia," by Playboi Carti

A'ight. This was pretty cool. Y'know what? We're gonna take a shower, we're gonna hit up another One Directioneer song, and we're gonna come back to you, but the early prognosis on Playboi Carti is that he is Not Bad.

93) "Sweet Creature," by Harry Styles

Oh. Oh, THIS is how you get me to appreciate "Sign of the Times." This. The most WGWAG-y thing I've had to listen to on the chart so far. Mind you, I had to listen to a whole Ed Sheeran album as part of this project. I did not make that statement without being abso-damn-lutely sure this was the most WGWAG nonsense of 2017 so far.

100) "wokeuplikethis," by Playboi Carti ft./Lil Uzi Vert

There's this stream that sometimes pops up in my YouTube recommendations called "lo-fi hip-hop beats to relax/study to," I'm sure it pops up for you as well, I'm sure it's an astoundingly popular stream, and with this and the other song, I'm not sure this young man really elevates above "patron saint of the lo-fi hip-ho beats stream." I didn't mind this song, but I also found other things to do when I was listening to this song, and the same is true of "Magnolia." I'm sure Carti doesn't aspire to be background noise, but whatever ambitions he may have didn't find their way into the songs I've heard so far. I have little sense of who he is, I just know I started reading a cool-seeming article about microcelebrity while he was doing his thing. It's Not Bad. It's not worth thinking about. I'm more concerned with the second bit.

HUGE changes to 2017′s Top 20 this week. 20) "First Time," by Kygo ft./Ellie Goulding (5.20) 19) "Heatstroke," by Calvin Harris ft./Young Thug, Pharrell Williams & Ariana Grande (4.22) 18) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 17) "You Look Good," by Lady Antebellum (4.22) 16) "The Heart Part 4," by Kendrick Lamar (4.15) 15) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 14) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 13) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 12) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 11) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 10) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 9) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 8) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) We are almost almost at the point where I can give a glowing review to a song that doesn’t make the Top 20.

Who won? 2017. It’s really hard to argue the virtues of any of the songs 2007 gave us this week, especially when you consider that one of them debuted accidentally. Chris Brown might’ve been too much weight to carry on a good week for 2007, but 2017 manages to carry it to the top. I will remember precisely one of these songs by this time next week. Pop music is bad why am I making myself listen to so much of it I have had a bad idea what am I doing 2017: 5 2007: 3

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