#A warmup that I took a little longer with - pacing myself?? Could be | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theonethatyaks93 · 3 months

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Just One Kiss (PaTB/Brinky Fic)

Hello everyone!! It's kinda been a little while since you've heard from me but I'm back here with a little warmup I did so I could get myself ready to work on other things!! I honestly wasn't feeling too good about this one but I still wanna post it for all of you!! Thanks to @therealhayyhay for the confidence boost and the prompt this fic was based on! I hope you enjoy!!

Plot: All Pinky wants is kiss from Brain. Just one before they execute the plan. But Brain is focused on his work and doesn’t want to be disturbed. So, Pinky will have to get a kiss the hard way.

Pinky paced rapidly around the cage, the boredom and anticipation starting to affect his usually cheery mood. While instances like this weren’t unusual, for some reason, this time, he could barely sit still for a single second. All he could think about was the fun couple-y things he could be doing right now with his bestest and sweetest boyfriend in the world. Oh, how he wanted to kiss him and hold him tight, never letting go. The thought alone made him feel dizzy.

But Brain had been working on this plan for surely many hours! And he still wasn’t finished!

He was beginning to believe Brain would never complete his blueprint, especially since he hadn’t moved his oversized pencil in a few minutes. All he was doing was staring at the paper, eyes scanning the writing on it repeatedly. The only other motions from his face were the slight turning of his head from side to side and the occasional way his lips upturned into a slight scowl. He looked so focused.

And it was driving Pinky crazy.

The small shifts of his body made the lanky mouse antsy; he tried standing still to watch but he fidgeted in his spot instead. Every time Pinky noticed Brain’s mouth lift, he felt a sensational feeling in his stomach very much akin to butterflies. He bit his lower lip in an attempt to prevent his romantic thoughts from spilling out. That bite forced him to let out a light squeak, barely silencing him.

He really wanted a kiss from Brain. Right now. It only had to be one! He’d do anything to satisfy the ticklies in his tummy!

Taking in a deep breath, Pinky strolled a little bit closer to where Brain was seated, being able to make out the sketches on the paper. He hovered over his partner with slight curiosity and eagerness, hoping with all his heart that he’d agree to just one little smooch. He placed his paws on Brain’s shoulders, taking note of how his boyfriend stopped moving and how he seemed to relax. “Narf! Oh Brain! Are you almost done with your plan-thingy? It’s been hours and hours! I’m getting tired and you’re not doing anything!”

Brain took his eyes off his blueprints and glanced and Pinky, slightly groaning. He placed the oversized pencil on the ground before responding. “Pinky, it’s only been twenty minutes since I began. If you’re so bored, then you can go read a magazine or watch T.V. But I’m working on tonight’s plan, and I don’t want to be disturbed by your inane comments or temper tantrums.” He returned his focus to the paper in front of him without saying anything else.

It had only been twenty minutes? Egad, it felt like a million-billion hours!

Pinky was slightly relieved that it hadn’t been too long, but he still felt those lovey-dovey-magical-fluttery feelings swirling inside. He needed a kiss, so he could respect Brain’s wishes and not bother him for much longer. Then he’d go do something else. He promised Brain that.

“But Brain, I just wanted to ask for a…mhmmm…” His hold on Brain shifted from his shoulders to the sides of his face. Yet he kept on stuttering. Those words he wanted to say wouldn’t come out, though he was really trying.

Brain looked at him again, a quizzical expression shown prominently on his face. “Ask for what exactly, Pinky?”

“Can I just have one little kiss before I go? Zort. Please, Brainy?”

Whew! He’d said it. That wasn’t so hard!

Pinky felt a blush creeping onto his face, a sheepish smile forming rapidly. Asking for kisses wasn’t exactly the simplest task. It was always a guess with what Brain would say about kissing during a plan. Sometimes it was a yes, sometimes it was a no. That’s just how it worked. But he really wanted it to be yes this time.

However, the previous excitement faded away a little when Brain’s face contorted into a sharp frown, his eyebrows turned downward.

“Pinky, not now. I’m working on my plan still and I need to concentrate. You know the rules for world domination plans. I can’t have any distractions, even ones from you. We can do that after tonight.” Brain moved from Pinky and turned around, back facing his companion as he returned to his musings.

His ears drooped and his heart sank like the Titanic. After tonight was such a long time to wait for a kiss! He couldn’t not think about kisses until that point. He needed Brain’s love now! He’d been so patient already!

Without a moment’s hesitation, Pinky wrapped his arms around his lover and held him firmly, whimpering and whining. “Please, Brain? I only want one before the you do the plan. Just one! Is that too much to ask for? We’re boyfriends! We’re supposed to do that! Please?”

A growl was elicited from Brain. He removed Pinky’s paws from him and stood up, an annoyed expression on his face, despite the slight reddish glow on his cheeks. “No, Pinky! Affection and kissing can wait until later. Plans come first! Now, go and leave me be! You’ve already distracted me enough.”

The taller mouse backed off from Brain, giving the shorter mouse enough room to settle back down in front of his blueprints as he went back to pondering some more. While Pinky felt a little bad about making his bestest friend so angry with his pleas, he knew that Brain probably wanted kisses as much as he did.

Suddenly, a rezvelation popped into his head, causing him to perk up.

Brain was playing tough to get! Like in those movies with the teens and the popular kids trying to go after the athlete boys! He was so smart!

Pinky grinned at this, fondly snickering at the fact that Brain might have been attempting to flirt with him. But he couldn’t get away without a fight! Pinky needed a kiss from him. But Brain wasn’t playing fair. Pinky supposed that it was his turn to give it a try.

If Brain wanted to play a game, he would happily join in. It was a competition to see who could last the longest without kissing the other! What fun! Brain was already doing such a remarkable job! But it was time for Pinky to even the score!

Sighing contently with his happiness restored and a newfound confidence present, Pinky sauntered back over to Brain, adjusting his posture to appear more seductive and sultrier. He stuck out a hip, placed one paw on his shoulder, and moved the other one to cup Brain’s cheek. He chuckled quietly before starting his round in the game. Before he began, he made sure to change his voice a little so that Brain would notice.

“Hello, Brain. Fancy meeting you here at this hour. Poit!”

The megalomaniac grumbled, clear irritation lingering in his body language. “Pinky if you ask for an insipid kiss one more time, I swear I shall…”

Before he could finish, Pinky used his paw to turn Brain’s head to look at him, where he batted his eyelashes fervently and pursed out his lips in a pout.

He nearly dropped his suave composure when he saw Brain’s face change from displeasure into a flustered stare, his face turning a light red and eyes widening. Brain was doing a fine job of holding his ground! But he couldn’t lose the challenge! He wanted Brain to be the one to kiss him!

“Like what you see huh?” Pinky moved his body around, tail swishing. Carefully and slowly, he moved his paw from his hip to Brain’s shoulder, kneeling as he pulled himself closer to his boyfriend. “I’d say I’m quite a catch if I do say so meself. Which I just did.”

Brain swallowed heavily, his blush darkening in shade. He tried to regain his words, but they invaded him; he was practically tongue-tied. “Pinky…t-this i-is highly inappropriate for…the current…”

Pinky pressed a finger to Brain’s mouth, preventing him from saying anything further. “Shhh, no more talking. You’ll only ruin this for yourself. Troz. Your big words will only keep you from me longer.” He kept his tone low as he began toying with Brain’s ear, biting back a laugh when it twitched in response.

“A big, handsome, strong mouse such as you deserves all the love in the world. And I wanna give it to you. In more ways than one. Just let me have you, babe. I care about you, and I want you to be so very happy. I’ll make you happy, trust me, Brain.” He was nailing this. Brain was basically gasping for air, and he was as red as a tomato! Pinky stroked the fur on Brain’s chest, humming in approval at the soft moan Brain made in reply.

“W-what are you d-do-”

“Hush, hush, honey,” Pinky briefly moved a paw so his fingers could trace along the curvature of Brain’s face. When he touched Brain’s nose, the megalomaniac froze. “Let me do the talking for you. Your face is marvelous and absolutely gorgeous. Your eyes shine like the night sky. Well, more like a pretty sunrise but it’s not too far off. Someone could get lost in them if they stared too long. I know I have.”

“Y-you…h-have?”

His grasp on Brain increased as he advanced closer so their faces could be at level. “I’ve gotten lost many times in your eyes, Brain. They make me feel so special. And your nose is so perfect and round. What more could you want? Zort.”

As he continued to trace his fingers the fur on Brain chest, Pinky took his other paw and rested it on Brain’s cheek, using his thumb to rub it. “Are you a marshmallow, Brainy? Hard on the outside but melty and gooey and soft on the inside? It sure seems that way. I bet I can make that soft side come out and stay. If I try hard enough.”

Pinky nearly kissed Brain after he’d said that, especially after the whine Brain made, so high and stunned. He needed to keep going though, he needed the kiss.

Before returning his attention to his face, Pinky buried his face into Brain’s shoulder, lightly nipping at his collarbone. A small bite didn’t count as breaking rules according to Pinky. It wasn’t a kiss so he thought it would work enough! Brain made a quiet yelp after the nip, nearly causing Pinky to lose again.

But he would not give up.

Brain tried speaking up, but he could only muster a funny sound. Pinky took this is a sign to move onto something new, so he placed one paw on Brain’s while moving the other to tease Brain’s lips.

This would surely make Brain kiss him!

“Your lips are like clouds Brain. Has anyone ever told you that? They’re stunning and warm and gentle, like pillows almost. I would definitely like to put my lips against yours for a long time. Poit! It would be a magical experience for me. And hopefully for you too.” Pinky kept his hand lightly gliding across Brain’s lips for a while until he moved his paws back to Brain’s chest.

Brain was finally able to speak after Pinky’s touch left his face. “P-Pinky…what…did I s-say about a-asking f-for…kisses.”

“I know what you said, Brain. You said I couldn’t ask you about a kiss right now.” Pinky inched closer to his partner, sliding his fingers along Brain’s spine as their chests made contact. He could hear Brain’s breath hitch and his heartbeat was erratic, which caused him to smirk a little at what he’d done. “But you never said that I couldn’t do this stuff. The kind words, the touching, the teeny bites. I didn’t hear you say no to those. Narf! I know you love them.” He traced a finger under Brain’s chin and nuzzled his nose against Brain’s.

Brain shuddered, sweat forming on his forehead so quickly it was somewhat startling. “I-I guess…y-you make a… valid point.” He gave in a little, moving his paws to hold Pinky by the waist.

Oh, he was winning the game! Brain wasn’t playing tough! In fact, Pinky didn’t know what Brain was playing anymore, but he liked where it was going.

Pinky purred, moving both hands to rest on Brain’s cheeks again. He continued to keep his face close to Brain, feeling his partner’s quick breaths against his fur. “You’re so beautiful, darling. You sparkle like one of those pretty flowers. You smell like one too. Poit! If only you’d realize how special and important you are. But I can help with that.”

“Pinky…” Brain muttered, though his voice waivered as soon as he started. He unknowingly tugged the other mouse closer to him, their noses touching again.

Oooh Brain was about to break! Just a few more attempts to woo and the game would be over!

Pinky rested his forehead against Brain’s. He smiled a little before speaking in a flirty whisper. “I love you, Brain. I hope you know that. I love you more than life itself. I wanna hold you and squeeze you forever and ev-”

He was cut short when he felt a pair of lips crash into his own abruptly, leaving him in shock. The kiss was aggressive and needy, yet it still felt tender. Pinky sighed and moaned softly, reciprocating Brain’s affections with ease. He felt Brain’s paws travel from his waist to his chest as he deepened the kiss. It was utter bliss and a welcomed finish to Pinky’s intense seduction.

Brain pulled out to breathe, his face a pleasant crimson shade. Pinky was breathless, though he was also excited because he had finally gotten a kiss out of his grumpy bestest boyfriend. He gazed lovingly at Brain, who was smiling quite a bit.

“Was that enough to please you, my dear?” Brain spoke quietly, grabbing Pinky by the shoulders and holding him.

Pinky began to giggle, returning to his normal high-pitched voice. “Oh, it was amazing, Brain! I’m sooo happy! Poit!” He quickly kissed Brain’s cheek before adjusting his posture. “You can go back to working on your plan now. I promised I’d leave you alone after I got a kiss.”

He was prepared to get up and leave when his arms got firmly grasped. He was surprised when he saw Brain restraining him from moving, holding him in place. “Uhm, Brain? What are you doing?

The pink-eyed mouse looked super lovestuck. “I did say that before, yes. But I might have been mistaken in my priorities. I believe that you are certainly more important than the plan. So, uh…”

“What is it, Brain?”

Brain inhaled sharply. “So, I think we can hold off tonight’s escapade for a… few hours. It wouldn’t hurt me that much.”

Pinky gasped. “Naaaarf! Egad! Do you mean that you want to kiss some more? Not just because I asked?”

He nodded. “I believe that it will be an effective way for me to replenish my energy and also so I may spend some quality time with you. You only asked for one kiss, but I don’t want to give just one. You don’t deserve that. You are far too alluring currently, Pinky.”

“Braaaaain!” Pinky squealed, his face turning red as he pulled his boyfriend close. “You are just the sweetest and nicest and lovingest mouse alive! Troz! I would love more kisses. I always love that!”

“I’m glad you love me, Pinky. Even though you’re an imbecile, I suppose you are in fact my imbecile.” Brain pulled Pinky to him, and their noses became squished together. He held Pinky’s paws in his, intertwining their fingers. “And by Ptolemy’s sake, I am madly in love with you.”

Pinky swooned. “I’m madly in love with you too,” he murmured delicately so that only Brain would hear him.

Before either one could say anything more, Pinky and Brain’s lips met again for a longer and far more passionate kiss. Pinky felt all fluttery as he felt Brain’s body press against his. Pinky also melted inside when Brain was the one to produce a gentle noise. When they parted for a quick breath, Pinky wasted no time in placing his mouth against Brain’s again.

As they kissed and kissed, Pinky felt victorious. Mainly because he was getting kisses from his sweet and lovey-dovey Brain, but also because he’d won the game. Brain had kissed first! But he supposed that the feeling of a win came second to the real prize: having Brain truly love him so much. While Pinky knew that Brain was sometimes a tough and rough cookie, he also knew that Brain would always love him no matter what happened.

He was positive that Brain realized how much he loved him too.

Ao3 link:

#pinky and the brain #animaniacs #patb #brinky #gay mice #i wrote this on five hours of sleep and at 10:00 pm at night #im mostly pleased with this because the original draft was complete crap #hope you guys like the fic!!

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prettyboyjackhughes · 3 years

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-It’ll all be worth it in the end- |M. Marner| [Part 1]

Thanks to @workhorsefromwhitehorse24 for all her help on this! I’m super proud of this and can’t wait for you guys to read it! Thank you for all the love and support!!

Carter wasn’t dumb. He knew how much I loved to push his buttons. I mean, it was kinda my job as his little sister. He’d been ridiculously protective over me since we were little. That may have been due to the fact that I was only 16 months younger than him, or just that I was his little sister, but either way, he took his job as my one and only big brother very seriously. It had always been just the two of us, growing up. We got into more than our fair share of trouble, destroying things in the process most of the time. Our mom always called us the twin terrors, even though we weren’t actually twins. But we did everything together. Nine times out of ten, if you found one of us, you found both of us. And that was how it was supposed to be tonight, the first game of the playoffs. Carter and I had a tradition that before every game, no matter what, we did a little handshake that he had claimed as his good luck charm. So before every game, I was in the locker room with Carter.

"Well I'm definitely in the wrong place." I said, glancing around at all the Leafs equipment around the hall way. I knew my way around Wells Fargo Center, but since this was an away game and we were the away team, we were playing at Scotiabank Arena which was an arena I wasn’t familiar with. When Carter had told me to meet him outside the locker room before the game, I had figured I’d be able to find my way there. But now, standing outside of what I figured out to be the Leafs’ locker room, made me realize I had no idea how to find my brother. As I glanced around, I caught sight of a guy walking away from me. As I jogged to catch up with him, I collided with a tall, brown-haired boy.

“Ouch!” I shouted, falling to the ground.

“Oh god, sorry!” The boy said, getting his balance and looking down at me as he reached down to help me up. He glances between my face and the Flyers logo on my t-shirt, finally settling on my face.

“You okay?” He asks, his eyes coming to rest on my face. I nod, pushing my hair back out of my face.

“Uh…anything I can do to make up for the fact that I took you out?” He asks, rubbing the back of his neck and smiling nervously at me. I look him up and down, having to look up a little to see the top of his head.

“You could tell me your name.” I say, smiling at him. His face looked familiar, but then again, most of the guys Carter played against in the NHL looked familiar to me But he was cute. He had dark brown hair, a kinda goofy smile, and blue eyes that pulled me in.

“Oh yeah sure. I’m Mitch. And you are…?” He said, sticking his hand out for me to shake. I shake it, nodding as I do.

“I’m Sawyer. Let me guess, you play for the Leafs?” I say, crossing my arms and pointing at the Leafs logo and the number 16 spread across the sweatshirt he was wearing. He glanced down and looked back up at me with a smile.

“Guilty. Flyers fan?” He asked, leaning against the wall.

“Well sorta. My older brother is the starting goalie for tonight. So I’m a fan because of him.” I say, turning around to show him the 79 and Hart on my back. As I turned back around, more of his teammates started to make their way out into the hallway and my phone started to vibrate.

“Oh shoot, I probably need to go find my brother. Um, it was nice meeting you, Mitch.” I said, secretly wishing I didn’t have to go. I tugged my phone out of my pocket, seeing Grace’s name on the screen. I wave goodbye to Mitch who looks like he wants to say something as I press my phone to my ear and hurry back down the hallway.

“Hey, sorry I got lost. Tell Carter I’m on my way!” I said, glancing around to figure out where I need to be going.

“You’d better hurry up. Hartsy is starting to do his freak out older brother thing.” Grace says. I roll my eyes and end the call. Grace is Carter’s girlfriend, has been since they were 18. They’ll probably get married, if Carter has anything to do with it. Grace is also one of the trainers for the Flyers so they spend practically every waking minute together. The 3 of us share an apartment, which makes things interesting. We’ve managed to find a good balance for the 3 of us though. Most of the time, Carter and Grace spend pretty much the whole day at the rink while I have classes at UPenn. Then in the evenings, on the rare occasion we’re all home at the same time, we each take turns cooking dinner. Carter is the worst cook out of the 3 of us so usually it’s Grace or I cooking. When there’s an away game, Grace travels with the team sometimes but usually she’s home with me. It’s a lot of fun living with Grace and Carter. But it’s usually not just us at the apartment. Lately, Nolan Patrick, who has claimed boy best friend for me, and a few of Carter’s other team mates have been hanging out at the apartment.

I finally find all the signs for the Flyers locker room but run into a problem. Security. I glance down and realize I forgot the pass that Grace and I had both been given before the game. I groan and walk towards the man standing by the locker room door. He glances at me, then puts his hand out to stop me.

“Sorry young lady, you can’t go in there.” I start to plead my case then see a familiar head of shaggy hair walking towards me.

“It’s okay, she’s training staff.” Nolan says, grabbing my arm and pulling me inside the locker room with him.

“Alright, sorry about that, sir.” I muffle a laugh as the man calls Nolan sir. He rolls his eyes and drags me along with him to where Grace, Carter and a few other guys are standing. Nolan is my best friend. We got really close when I first moved here, at the beginning of last year. He’s claimed me as his “Baby Cat”, which is a weird nickname that Kevin Hayes gave him, but I’ll never admit to Nolan that I actually really love the nickname. Even though he seems all dark and kinda scary sometimes, I can tell I’m a little bit of a soft spot for him. Grace leans against the wall, watching Carter and looking very amused. A few of his team mates are watching from the doorway, also looking amused. He’s doing the whole pacing, running his hand through his hair a thousand times thing he does when he’s worried about me.

“Chillax Hartsy. I’m here and I made it mostly in one piece.” He turns around, glaring at me.

“You were supposed to be here 15 minutes ago! Where were you?” I roll my eyes and reach out my hand. He points his finger at me, glaring still but softens as I nudge his finger away with my hand.

“Do the damn handshake Hartsy!” One of his team mates yells as they start to gather in the hallway to get ready to head out onto the ice for warmups. The longer he’s been in the NHL and playing for the Flyers, the more his team mates have started to pick up on how important the handshake we do is to him. They had also started to say it’s a part of their pregame routine, claiming it’s the reason they win.

“We’ll talk about this later, you’re not home free, Sawyer Mae.” He says we do our little handshake. He claims that it helps him but I think he’s just a little superstitious. I nudge Nolan as he walks past me and heads for the door. He and the boys head out onto the ice and Grace drags me with her back to where my parents are sitting.

“You should’ve seen your brother.” She says, laughing as we walk back out to our box. Usually, Grace and I would just sit in normal seats, if she wasn’t working. But since Mom and Dad were coming to the game, Carter got box tickets for all of us.

“He always freaks out before games. And always assumes I’m gonna forget to come down and meet him. This one is even worse cause it’s the freakin playoffs baby!” I say, hopping around a little and making Grace laugh. In the 3 years that Carter and Grace have been together, Grace has become the big sister I’ve always wanted. When I was younger, I loved having Carter as my big brother but I always secretly wanted a big sister. And now, I had Grace. She and I get along so well and she’s the perfect big sister. She and I would gang up on Carter, teasing him about everything when we were at home. We would watch the Bachelor and cry over sappy romance movies together. My favorite thing to do with Grace was get a little drunk, sometimes just tipsy, and sing karaoke with her when we went out. She had been there when I first moved to Philly a little over a year, helping me get to know the city and working through all my homesickness with me. She was easily my best friend.

“Earth to Sawyer, come in Sawyer.” Grace says, nudging my shoulder. I blink, bringing myself back to reality. I look down to the ice where both teams are skating around the ice, going through warmups, when a certain number 16 catches my eye. He’s skating around, weaving in and out of his teammates. He seems to talk to everybody, laughing and joking throughout all of warmups. I can hear Grace talking to my parents and the rest of my family in the box with us. She calls my name but all I can focus on or think about is the brown haired boy who I ran into today.

“Who are you watching?” Mom asks, sliding up next to me as I stand at the railing.

“Oh no one. Just Nolan.” I say, panicking and taking my eyes off of Mitch. She smiles and nudges me.

“Have you ever considered going on a date with Nolan? He’s a nice boy.” I turn to look at my mother and it takes every ounce of will in my 21 year old body not to gag.

“No Mom. Nolan and I are just friends. He’s not my type.” Mom shakes her head and walks away, leaving me at the railing by myself. I can hear Grace’s laugh before she’s even beside me.

“Shut up Grace.” I say, rolling my eyes and coughing back a laugh.

“Oh but Sawyer, Nolan is such a nice boy.” She says, still dying. This time, I actually do gag, laughing along with Grace. I let myself drift back to my imaginary land, thinking of my next way to drive Carter insane. As I watch Mitch skate around the ice after an icing, I feel like a lightbulb goes off in my head. Carter has always taught me that hockey boys were bad news, no matter who they were or what they were. He said there were no good ones, no matter who they were. I always rolled my eyes, ignored him, and have definitely dated my share of hockey boys growing up. But the one thing I will never admit to him is that most of them were just as bad as he had warned me. But do I learn from my mistakes? Nope. As a plan starts to form in my head, Grace glances at me.

“Oh no I know that look. What are you planning?” She asks, leaning over and resting her arms on my armrest.

“Nothing...Just my next way to drive Carter crazy.” She laughs and rolls her eyes.

“You’d better be careful, Sawyer. You know how on edge he’s been lately.” I nod, my eyes still on Mitch.

“Trust me, it’ll all be worth it in the end.” I said, looking over at Grace. The second the words left my mouth, I knew what I was going to do.

#carter hart #mitch marner #hockey boys #hockey #Hockey Players #nhl #nhl hockey #nhl fanfiction #nhl imagine #NHL fan fiction #mitch marner imagine

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totaldramafan-lauri · 4 years

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Yearning

W-well...here it is. The product of two weeks’ work.

A couple months ago, I got inspired to start planning a multi-chapter self-ship fanfic, but since I hadn’t written detailed fic in literal years, I wanted to do an unrelated one-shot to kinda...warm up a little, to see if that’s something I really do wanna do...I’m still unsure if it’ll happen, but I did the warmup, and...it became this THING.

This is based on the Vampire!Spinel AU from @su-reader-imagines, which...I ended up liking, like...way too much. X///D I’m not even a vampire fan normally, but...maybe it was the Spinel part. >/////> I-I won’t link the specific post since there’s NSFW content in it and I don’t wanna make anyone read it if they’re not comfortable with that stuff, but...this story in particular has no blatant NSFW (just implied stuff).

Since I started off writing this for myself, I had planned for this to be self-insert, but then I decided to make it more reader-insert to match the original imagine. However, the first-person POV remained, so it’s...weird. The narrator isn’t mentioned by name and details about them are vague, but it’s still kinda my personality, so....it STILL might be more self-insert then reader-insert? I dunno, it’s kinda in the middle...I-I’m not used to this...

It’s probably obvious that I don’t normally make this kinda stuff, but I still did my best...I didn’t expect this to get as long as it did, but I’m a detail-oriented, overexplaining piece of crap, simply put. X////D

Even if nothing comes of this, I at least finished it, and I’m.....kinda p-proud of that, even if....it’s kinda embarrassing....S-so if you read this, I...h-hope y-you...enjoy.....>///////<

Now if you e-excuse me I’m gonna find a dumpster to hide in....

Yandere warning for the very end!

---

It had been a few days since then, but I was still reeling. A part of me was still in disbelief. That couldn't have been real, could it? I mean...something like that, happening to me of all people? I had always been down on my luck...Ignoreable. Average. There was nothing about me worth noting. Occasionally, something good would happen, sure...but nothing like that.

But then I'd look at myself in the mirror, and see the marks on my neck. And I'd be brought back to that night. It was real.

My mind would fill with overwhelming emotions whenever I'd think about it...and whenever I'd close my eyes, I'd see her there in front of me.

Looking back at me with red eyes, grinning playfully, her fangs showing. I'd see myself laying on my back, her hands all over me, as I let her do whatever she wanted...The heat in my body, rising....The sound of her voice, teasing me...

"Spinel..."

Her name, escaping my lips.

Luckily, no one was around to hear, but I caught myself anyway, snapping back to reality. I'd been standing there in the bathroom in front of the mirror for how long? A few minutes? And after I'd already relieved myself? I flushed in embarrassment. Get it together, I thought to myself. After splashing some water on my face, I went back to work.

Never before had work been so frustrating. I couldn't focus on anything. My pace was so sluggish that it felt like I was moving underwater. And I had to keep a poker face the entire time. I couldn't let anyone know what happened. They wouldn't believe me! They'd think I was crazy! And maybe I was, but I didn't wanna bring attention to it. I had already been getting some looks from coworkers due to my neck, but no one asked me about it. That was good. I tried to imagine myself attempting to explain in the sanest way, "Yeeeeaaah, I met an actual vampire and let her drink from me." Yeah, that wasn't happening. I hadn't believed they existed, either, until I met her.

I tried everything I could to distract myself, but the fluttering in my chest would just keep coming back...It was like she had left her mark on me in more than one way...

Even before I knew what she was, she still seemed like someone who would only exist in my dreams. She was lively and interesting, with a unique way of talking and dressing. Even her name was unique. She was charismatic, and confident...and she had a voice that you loved listening to. The way she could switch between playful and downright seductive...Just thinking about it...about the kind of things she said to me...

There was no way I was her first. She was way too good at that. But the very idea that someone like her could pay attention to me, and treat me so well...I should consider myself lucky to have spent just the one night with her...right?

So...what was this yearning I felt...? Was I really that needy...?

The memories were so fresh...Me and her, in the back room, making out, and her drinking from me...and then making me the happiest I had ever been in my life. In that perfect moment, I didn't want anything else. I just wanted to do whatever she told me to. I was hers, and hers alone...

I didn't expect to spend the entire night with her, but I was riding that high for so long. I didn't wanna leave her arms. The aftercare...I could still feel her icy hands trailing down my back. I could still hear her voice, cooing in my ear, telling me what a good girl I was...It had made me so happy, knowing I pleased her...

I remember all the little petnames she called me. My favorite was "doll". That was the one that made me feel the most...special. And I think she caught on to that, because she'd call me it again and again. I was her doll. At that time, I existed only to make her happy, and I was doing my job!

Spinel's doll...

"Stay with me a bit longer? Please~?" she asked, while gently rubbing my back.

"I...wanna stay..." I answered, still dizzy, "But...will we...get in trouble...?"

She chuckled. "Nah, we won't. I told ya, I know the guy. No one's gonna bother us, I promise~..." she assured me gently.

"OK...I'll stay then..."

I turned around and subconsciously scooted into her a bit more, wanting to be as close to her as possible. She didn't seem to mind, putting her arm around me and holding me from behind. My heart felt like it was about to burst...I'd never experienced this level of intimacy before, and this was just the icing on the cake.

"Mmmm, you're so warm, doll~..."

At that comment, I'm sure I got even warmer. I felt so weak, but so happy. We simply laid there in silence, with her occasionally breaking it to hum to me. Soon, I felt myself get drowsy. It was getting late, but...I didn't wanna move.

"...Spinel?"

"Yeah, doll?"

"I'm...getting tired...Is it OK if I fall asleep...?"

"Course it is. You've earned it, toots..." she spoke softly, "And don't worry...I'll still be here when ya wake up~."

After she gave her permission, I drifted off to sleep, which ended up lasting all night. And sure enough, she had told the truth, as I woke up still in her arms.

And I panicked.

I jolted upright and frantically checked the time. I didn't know it would be all night! Oh crap! How would I explain myself!?

I told her I had to go.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because my mom's probably worried sick about- er", Did I really just reveal to her that I still live with my mom? "-I live with my mom, and I've never stayed the night without saying anything, so-" I felt increasingly awkward with every word that came out of my mouth. "And, and...crap, I have work! Wait, that's tomorrow..."

She tried to calm me down, but at that point, I couldn't. My anxiety was through the roof. This was supposed to be a simple trip to a bar, to try something new. But I ended up staying the night at the place with someone I just met. And it was incredible. But now that it was over, everything catching up to me, I just felt bad. I felt...guilty. I took up so much of Spinel's time. She was most likely most active at night, and I kept her in one place for so long. And compared to her, I was practically nothing. I didn't deserve any of that...but she gave it to me anyway. I was a piece of crap who wasted her time.

So all I could do was apologize. "I-I'm so sorry!" I cried out, jumping to my feet. I wobbled a little before steadying myself.

And...she let me go. She didn't protest at all, saying that it was fine, she wasn't keeping me there. She was calm throughout my freak out. She remained sitting in bed, at first with an amused grin...but when I apologized, she looked away. I couldn't see her face anymore, and her voice became more monotone than ever.

"You can leave if ya want," she said.

She didn't care anymore, I could tell. I overstayed my welcome for sure.

Before leaving the room, I turned around one last time, giving a quick but honest "thanks" for the incredible night together...and she finally looked back at me, with a slight smile.

And now...here I was. Stuck in a perpetual daydream, trying to keep myself together. A coworker's voice snapped me out of my memory of the last time I saw her. I quickly apologized, trying my darnedest to keep that poker face I always wore, but it was harder than ever.

Ugh, I'm such a mess...What did you do to me?

My mind was filled with questions. Just who was she? Where was she from? Was she born a vampire, or did she become one? How long has she been alive? What kind of things does she like to do? Does she have friends? There was so much I didn't know about her...I'd been too caught up in the moment to think about those things that night, but now, I couldn't help but feel curious.

I couldn't get her off my mind...As the week went by, I tried to piece myself back together. I tried to think rationally, telling myself to let it go, it'll never happen again, and so on. But nothing worked. The fluttering in my heart wouldn't stop. At first, I hated it, but now, when it was undeniable, I finally had to give in to my feelings...and I finally put together the words in my head that had been so obvious the whole time.

Wanna see her again.

I knew that could easily go badly, knowing me. I'd never been good at social situations, always opting to stay on the sidelines so I wouldn't embarrass myself. If I really knew what's best for me, I'd quit while I'm ahead, right?

But the more time passed, the more agonizing it got...I missed her voice, her touch, her eyes, her lips...everything. After only one night, I already felt so empty without her, so longing...I wanted to be her doll again. Was that so wrong...?

Wanna see her again...

For a while, I was being pulled in two directions, with another part of me shouting that it was a bad idea. Being brave is always a bad idea to me. But I couldn't help it. So I told myself, that, once the weekend came...I'd go with my gut, for once.

Wanna see her again...

---

This was a mistake.

Coming back here was a mistake. That's all I could think of as I sat there, alone, staring at my lap. Here I was at the bar again, but now what? Why didn't I have a plan?

I remembered why I don't come to these kind of places often - I always feel out of place at them. The kinds of people who go here are usually the polar opposite of me...loud, social, sometimes even aggressive, with eye-catching outfits...and there I was, trying not to stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe if I'm quiet, they won't notice me, I thought, I gotta not bring attention to myself...

"Can I get you anything?" an annoyed-sounding voice asked.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when the bartender spoke to me. When did he get there? I hadn't heard him approach! "Um, nothing! No thanks!" I said quickly. I wasn't here for the food or the drinks.

But the way the man looked at me told me I probably should have ordered something. I mean, who comes to a bar just to sit there awkwardly, right? I mean, besides me. Based on the clock on the wall, I had been here for...almost twenty minutes already? I averted my eyes and spun myself around so that my back was facing the counter, as if that would shield me from the embarrassment.

My eyes scanned the room, hoping to catch at least a glimpse of the one person I wanted to see. There were a fair number of people, but she was still nowhere to be found. I sighed, feeling my heart sink.

She had told me she came here twice a week, and it had been exactly a week since then, so...it would make sense for her to be here tonight, right? Or was she more unpredictable? She did seem like that type...Or maybe it was me. Maybe she was here, just avoiding me...No, no, that can't be it, can it?

I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, trying to expel that thought from my mind. Then I looked up again, watching people dancing to the music playing. My mind was instantly brought back to dancing with her that night, before she led me away. I had no idea what I was in for. All I was concerned with was dancing with this attractive lady and hopefully not making a fool of myself. I remember it feeling like the temperature in the room was rising...she had been so close...

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I thought that maybe, she'd like to see me again, since it had seemed like she liked taking care of me...but I was stupid to think that.

Did I really think I was worth anything to her? If I was, she wouldn't have let me leave so easily. She could've just as easily convinced me to stay. She had marked me. There was evidence I was hers. She could've told me I wasn't to leave without her permission. Or heck, she could've told me she was worried about me after how weak I'd been! But no. She was simply done with me after that.

I was just a food source, that's all. She just indulged me afterward because it was so obvious I was into her. She was humoring me. Why didn't I piece that together? Was I really that stupid? Just look at me!

I started chewing on my fingers nervously as my anxiety took control. Desperate, I scanned the room once again. Did that person just look at me!? I looked away, still chewing. I didn't just bring attention to myself, did I? Was I staring? I turned back around to the counter, looking at the clock instead.

A half hour. I'd been just sitting here doing nothing for a half hour. Great.

Thank god the place wasn't too packed. And that the bartender was pretending I wasn't there at the moment. It was then that I had a thought: maybe he knew her. I could've asked him if she was here. But no, that'd be too awkward for words..."Excuse me sir, is Spinel here?" Though I didn't fully doubt I wouldn't be the first to ask that...

Maybe...she's with someone else right now...

That thought hit me harder than anything else, and I finally started to break down. I leaned against the counter, my head in my hands, trying to compose myself for a few minutes. I couldn't stay here much longer...the music, the voices, the looks, I had to get out soon-

"Hello, nurse~"

When I heard that familiar greeting, my eyes snapped open, and I slowly uncovered my face. Was it really...? There was no way I was hearing things, right?...After a couple seconds, I looked over...and there she was.

She was looking right at me, a playful smirk on her face, in the same way as I remembered. Her hair was back up in pigtails, too. It was like I had stepped back in time...I felt the heat rise to my face, my mouth hanging open. This was really happening. She was actually here! Now what!?

Say something! "Uhhh..." I cleared my throat. "Hey..."

She giggled. That alone caused my heart to do flips. "Well, gee~" she said, almost innocently, as she took a step toward me, "What brings your pretty face back to a place like this? Is it the drinks? The tunes?" she tilted her head, "The entertainment?"

I could tell she was teasing me. What I couldn't tell was whether or not she was mocking me. I knew I didn't fit in, but having it implied by her made me feel a bit embarrassed. Still, she had approached me...Just when I was worrying this was hopeless, she approached me, just like I wanted...Now more than ever, I wish I had a plan, because I felt like all I could do was sit there, my eyes fixed on her. I didn't know I would get this far...I was so sure I was fooling myself...

"Er...um, well..." I laughed nervously, "I-I know, I don't look the part...but that doesn't mean you gotta rub it in..."

"Oh, I didn't say there was anything wrong with that!" she replied, "I know that a lotta people have secrets to hide...And I'm sure you have your own reasons for bein' here~"

My own reasons...I felt my heartbeat pick up speed at that. She knows. Once again, I made it obvious. Every part of me was calling out for her, wanting me to spill out all my feelings to her...She's right there. Don't back down. Don't run away.

"Y-yeah, you could, say that I-ah!"

Just when I began talking, she leaned down to be at eye level with me. My body tensed up, and my words got caught in my throat. Her face was very close, to the point where I could feel her breath on my skin...She was still smiling, but there was an intensity in her eyes that I'd never seen before. I could only imagine how red my face was at that moment..."A-ah..." I didn't move an inch, but I looked to the side to see if anyone was watching us. It didn't look like it.

Then she reached out and touched my neck. I inhaled sharply as a shiver raced down my spine. She was just as cold as I remember, a sensation I didn't know I liked before...but I welcomed it. I had missed her touch so much...Her fingertips gently brushed against the spot where my marks were healing, and she stared there silently. Her other hand went to my thigh. The intimacy of the moment made me feel like I was gonna burst...

"Miss me, doll?" she spoke again, softly, as her eyes met mine.

I practically melted when I heard my favorite nickname again. I managed a nod. "Mhm..."

A hum. "Good..." she crooned. Then she leaned in further and kissed my cheek. It was small, but it was enough to make all my previous worries disappear...and make me want more. "C'mon," she patted my thigh before taking one of my hands in hers, standing up straight. I followed her lead and stood up as well. And, as if history was repeating, she proceeded to lead me to the back room, where it could be just the two of us.

I liked holding her hand. It felt...assuring, in a way. It made me feel like she really did want me here, and that coming back was the right choice. I didn't know what would happen next...Was she gonna drink from me again? Did she just wanna talk? Or will she...indulge me again? All I knew was that, for now, things felt right.

"S-Spinel?"

"Hmmmmm~?"

"I...I was wondering...uh..."

This was the time to start getting to know her better. I had so many questions for her, so many things I was curious about...but I was getting tongue-tied. Great. Why did I have to be so easy to fluster? It was getting difficult to put my thoughts into words, and I mentally kicked myself. I can't lose my nerve now!

She giggled. "It's OK, dearie~" she said, and squeezed my hand as we continued walking, "You don't have to say anything right now. Take your time. It's not like I'm gettin' any older!"

She laughed at her little joke, and I did, too. Her laughter was contagious. Either that, or I was so enamored with her that I'd follow anything she did. I couldn't tell yet.

But I still wanted to say more. Where would I even start, though? She was such a mystery...I guess there'd be time for that later. Yeah. Later, after I calm down. If she'd let me calm down, that is.

We entered the back room, and I looked around as she closed the door behind us. Had she taken anyone else down here since then? That was my first thought, but I quickly shook it out. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was here again. There was no one else here. It was just me and her. Me and Spinel. And Spinel was holding my hand right now...

Almost immediately after she closed the door, she suddenly pulled me towards her, and into a kiss. I squeaked in surprise, before closing my eyes and letting my feelings completely take me over. I felt her free hand trail up my back, slowly, softly, and I felt my whole body flush. This...this was what I had wanted...It was like I never left...

The kiss was short, too short. She pulled away, and I opened my eyes to see her smiling softly at me. It wasn't the teasing grin that she usually wore. She looked more...sincere. I smiled back, in complete bliss.

"I didn't think you'd come back", she said.

"You...didn't...?"

"No one does. It's always one and done with people", she chuckled softly, looking away from me. "They give me what I want once, then never come back. So I always gotta move on to the next one."

This shocked me. Was I really the first one to do this? No one else has ever come back after the first time? I found that unbelievable...I was such a coward...so why me, of all people?

"It gets lonely..." she brought my hand to her face, "even when I'm not alone, I'd still feel so lonely..."

My face fell as her words hit me.

Spinel was...lonely...?

She seemed to carry herself with such confidence, so I never would've guessed...She seemed like someone who would have many friends, and many people vying for her attention. Especially considering how good she was at...what she does...I guess being a vampire would lead to some difficulties with getting people to stick around? I guess not many people wanna experience that more than once...Did she scare them? I remember being scared at first...but she had taken such good care of me that I wasn't scared anymore...She wasn't intimidating, was she? How can someone not enjoy her company?

Was it, maybe...that no one felt they were worthy of her attention?

Already, I was learning more about her, and it wasn't what I was expecting at all...I wanted to help her, but I didn't know how. I was pretty lonely myself. Not many people could bring themselves to give a crap about me. Could it be...that we had something in common?

I didn't know what to say. I didn't wanna ask her about it. She seemed happy to see me, and I didn't wanna ruin it. So, I simply apologized. "I'm....sorry...."

And immediately, she looked back at me, and the playfulness returned.

"Awww, don't be sorry, doll~" she cooed, "Now I know that you're not like that! And that makes me so happy...knowing you're just as special as I thought you were~"

Heat rushed to my cheeks at her words. "I-I'm really not that special..." I tried my best not to stumble over my words, and began talking faster, "I...I just wanted to...to get to know you better, that's all. And I didn't expect myself to get this far, to be honest..." I forced a laugh.

"But you are special!" she disagreed, "Take it from someone who knows uniqueness when she sees it..."

She finally let go of my hand and wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling me close to her. She leaned down, bringing her face close to mine. My heart was about ready to burst out of my chest...

"The way you're lookin' at me right now...I've never seen anything like it."

Before I could say anything more, she brought her lips to mine in a passionate kiss, much longer and more heated than the last. I tried to kiss her back, but she completely overpowered me, denying me barely any room to breathe. I could barely even think as she made out with me, her hands wandering all over my body, claiming every part of me. She was so cold, but she made me feel so warm...I loved it. Finally giving in, I wrapped my arms around her, moaning weakly. She giggled in response, a noise I couldn't get enough of.

For that moment, it felt like she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

Once she pulled back, I was panting, elated, but a complete mess in her arms. I could only imagine what I looked like. I must've looked pathetic, my mouth hanging open as she left it, my face flushed, my eyes closed. My legs felt like jelly, so I leaned into her, resting on her shoulder as I caught my breath. She let out an airy chuckle, sounding breathless as well. I felt one of her hands stroking my back. I tried to collect my thoughts about what just happened. Holy crap that was incredible, you're so perfect, Spinel, thank you, I'm so sorry I left, I don't wanna leave again, I'll let you have me for as long as you want...I'm yours now, I'm yours...

I'd never felt so desperate for someone in my whole life...She was almost intoxicating. Part of me knew I should try and resist, try to be rational...but the rest of me didn't care. I'd been yearning for this all week, and all that frustration had finally paid off...

"How lucky I was to come across a dame like you", she spoke seductively into my ear, "So cute...so sensitive...and so...delicious~" she whispered the last word. I shivered, gripping her tighter as if it'll save me from melting into a puddle on the floor.

All I could do was whimper in response, causing another chuckle from her.

"That's right, doll, I mean every word..." she continued, "And ya came back, just to see me...You're such a sweet thing~. In fact," Both of her hands began wandering up my back, resting on my shoulders, "I missed ya more then ya thought I did...I missed holdin' ya like this...Touchin' ya like this...Do ya believe me? I've been so, so lonely...I missed ya, my sweet doll..."

'My sweet doll'. 'MY'. I felt my heart soar at her words. Spinel missed me...! And I made her happy...!

"...And now, I'm never lettin' ya go again."

Her voice suddenly took on a tone I'd never heard before...Darker, more growly, with her accent more pronounced. My eyes finally snapped open again as she aggressively jerked me back by my shoulders, pushing me into the nearest wall, pinning me there. My heart was racing a mile a minute as I could only look up at her. She was grinning widely, and not in her normal way. This grin was manic, predatory, and it made me begin to shiver. What was going on? What was she gonna do? I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. Warning bells were going off in my mind, but I was frozen like a deer in headlights.

And then, her eyes began to glow. Her red eyes were already one of her most noticeable features, but now, they were the brightest thing in the dark room. I squinted at the light, and instinctively tried to look away, but a hand went to my face, forcing me to look at it. I didn't know what was happening, but I would bear with it for her. And so, I braced myself. My first guess was that she would drink from me again, and I welcomed that thought. She was welcome to use me in that way if she wanted...

But nothing happened. As I continued looking at her, the tension in my body disappeared, and I stopped trembling. In fact, I began to feel weak in the knees. She wasn't saying anything, and she still got that reaction out of me...The sight of her face so close to mine, looking like she could ravage me at any moment...and I, the prey, was so helpless, pinned against the wall...This was an image I never wanted to forget.

With each passing second, I felt myself melt more and more, to the point where my legs started to give out. I slid down the wall a little, and then her hands went under my arms, helping me stay on my feet. But even then, it kept getting worse.

"S-Spinel..." I breathed out, attempting to speak, "I-I feel...I can't...." The sentences weren't forming. I felt my body grow numb, the only thing keeping me from collapsing on the ground being her arms...

"Shhh...Don't worry", she said, her voice as smooth as butter, "I got'cha~"

My vision was starting to blur, but I couldn't look away from her. Her gorgeous eyes were unblinking as she looked back at me, the eerie red glow making them all the more beautiful. I was putty in her hands...It was as if there was nothing else around me...nothing else that mattered. It was just her.

Just Spinel, the woman of my dreams.

My eyelids began to grow heavy, my body fully limp. With the last of my consciousness, I realized that this sensation wasn't normal. Was she doing this? I would've been scared had I caught on earlier, but now, I didn't care. I just wanted to stay like this...it felt so good...

"That's it...~" she purred, "Now, close your eyes for me...Just relax for a bit, and let me take care of everything~"

That was the last thing I heard before I closed my eyes, and quickly passed out in her arms.

When I woke up, I was in a place I had never seen before.

#hypnotism tw-/////#yandere tw-////#not tagging with anything else nope not brave enough #fics by lauri

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danielletinybruiser · 4 years

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On Competing as a blue belt

Last week -- exactly a week ago, I’ve made myself ruminate for a few days before posting -- I competed at Grappling Industries Manhattan. It was first time at GI at blue, though in December, I did my first blue belt tournament. Most of this, I wrote a week ago, but I have a few other conclusions here that I’ve added. Here goes!

January 18 2020

I competed today for the second time at blue belt (I did a sub only in December where I lost all my matches but got a bronze and a silver, but, since precisely none of them were in my weight class, I wasn’t mad about it).

Today was the toughest mentally. Out of my now-6 tournaments, I’ve never been this crushed and had to come from as far behind. I had a good warmup and went into gi feeling nervous -- the masters (30+) division disappeared and I was in the open division with teens and tough high level competitors that I suspect are being groomed for better things. Well I fucking sucked. I have no confidence in the gi, which doesn’t help, but I’ve been training it more lately, about 3 days per week out of 5-6 training days (I cross train on any days I don’t train BJJ). The last match was at least a little better and I got a couple of takedowns, but lesson number one today is:

I NEED TO TRAIN GI GRIPS

At this level and in my size (and 135 was a pretty good size today btw, most women were bigger/taller but I didn’t feel any weaker tbh) women in gi are technical. They pull guard and have game plans that start there. I have no answers for grips, even when I get into decent positions, I don’t control them because I just have such a completely no gi mindset.

I want to move fast, I want to do wrestling-y smash passes and work a top game and get to the back. And I even like playing guard from the bottom and searching for fun triangles and sweeps - but quickly. No friction! What’s this controlling grips shit?? It’s boring and hurts my shitty wrists and I hate it.

That needs to change. I need to work with technical gi training partners who can just give me drills and baby level stuff to start with, and drill that every day.

Because it’s a massive, massive deficit and also affects my confidence. I feel like a fucking stooge walking into other gyms as a blue belt with NO grip knowledge and no ability to control positions. I feel like a week 1 white belt, and I’ve been training fairly solidly for three years now. Yes, there were a couple of months off for injury. And yes, I know that I work full time (and part time on top of that, with a volunteer gig as an EMT on top of THAT). I am 100% not trying to be great. I’m not trying to beat people who train three times a day. I just want to feel like a solid blue belt with at least some technique no matter what division I enter.

Today was the worst I’ve ever felt in this sport. I’ve never been so demoralized. But thankfully, I was able to do a little reset. I took a nap, I warmed up again, and I went into no gi much more confident.

I did better there. I won a match by submission, got a draw in another (it was a loss due to ref’s decision, but I’m happy with how I did there), and fought hard and for much longer than I could against a really intense and skilled competitor. I got takedowns, I got good positions, hey, I got an RNC with one arm.

I feel so much better there. I feel like I’m developing and improving at an ok pace in no-gi. In gi, believe it it not I know I’ve actually improved, just... I’m not nearly on the level of my competitors. There’s a huge hole.

And I want to fix it. Badly.

Grips! Grip breaks! Grips for positions! I want to train them, drill them, roll with them until they make as much sense to me as my other stuff does.

And none of this comes from me thinking I’m hot shit. I don’t think I’m great or good or even halfway decent. I just want to improve. To get better and learn to relax, roll confidently, and be open to learning from each roll. To really, deeply learn. I am getting in the way if that in that damned Cotton jacket - and that stops now.

What went right - I proved in no gi at least, that I don’t lack the cardio or speed or strength to compete with young adults and lol teens. I feel just as athletic and at least in no gi, my skills are getting somewhere.

It feels good to see that progress. My standup is still not great, but improving. I’m having some success with takedowns and just generally feeling confident enough to shoot.

And here’s a thing...

I’m proud of myself for being able to rally after gi. I felt BAD. I was ready to quit jiu jitsu for a few minutes there. Just near tears, heartbroken at spending so much time and still sucking so much... Truly demoralized. But I’m glad I was able to compose myself and come back and at least show a bit of improvement.

In the week since, I’ve been training in the gi and bringing a gi jacket to practice grips in even for no-gi sessions, to practice after class. I’m making myself at least learn a few useful grip breaks and grips for standup. I’m really trying to focus on better control and focus my weight in the right places for passing. I’m training as smart as I can, and learning more guard breaking - as a result as well of my coaches seeing what went well in competition and where we need to work harder, as a school.

I’m going to turn 36 really soon. Just about three weeks from now. I’d love to keep competing often, even with an utterly atrocious win-loss record at grappling industries (I’m not going to hide it, it’s like 6-27 right now) and a bad wrist and all that bullshit. Because when I’m at least winning a little and forcing draws, and making demonstrable improvements, I love competition. I don’t need to medal every time (though yeah, I would VERY MUCH like to get back to winning medals again, lol, that feels nice!)

I’m going to work my tiny ass off until we see the next round of improvements. For the second half of my thirties, let’s let this be a good, solid, FUN, and useful time as an athlete.

#bjj #bjjwomen #combatsports

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sbknews · 3 years

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First-Time Winners Highlight Sunday At Michelin Raceway Road Atlanta

Ben Gloddy And Teagg Hobbs Join Jake Gagne With Debut Wins In Georgia. Sunday was a day of first-time winners at Michelin Raceway Road Atlanta with Ben Gloddy and Teagg Hobbs joining HONOS Superbike winner Jake Gagne in winning their first MotoAmerica races on a sunny Sunday in Georgia. After finishing on the podium eight times last year, Gloddy finally took to the top step with a hard-fought win in the SportbikeTrackGear.com Junior Cup race at Road Atlanta today. Hobbs, meanwhile, had also never made it to the top step of a MotoAmerica race until taking victory in the Twins Cup on Sunday.

Ben Gloddy (72) held off yesterday's winner Tyler Scott (70) to earn his first-ever SportbikeTrackGear.com Junior Cup race. Photo by Brian J. Nelson SportbikeTrackGear.com Junior Cup: Gloddy’s First! In SportbikeTrackGear.com Junior Cup, Ben Gloddy finally broke through with the race win that he’s been coveting for the past couple of years. A frequent visitor to the podium, but never on the top step, Gloddy, who races a Kawasaki for Landers Racing, took the checkers in Sunday’s race two by a scant .127 of a second over Scott Powersports KTM rider Tyler Scott. Third place on Sunday went to KERmoto Kawasaki’s Cody Wyman. Incidentally, Wyman’s podium result completed a rare road racing trifecta, with all three Wyman brothers finishing on the podium: Travis winning in Stock 1000, Kyle finishing second in King Of The Baggers, and Cody coming home third in Junior Cup. “It was good to get the monkey off the back,” Gloddy said. “Last year, we were finishing third. I think I finished third eighth times last year. Yesterday, we put it in second and the goal after that was just to keep making progress forward. We were able to do that today and get on the top step of the box. Me and Tyler (Scott) pulled a little bit of a gap there in the middle of the race. I was kind of hoping for me and Tyler’s sake, it would be me and him out front, but we got caught by that group again, and I was just trying to stay as far in front of that group as I could and not get tossed too far back. Doing that, I was able to draft Tyler down the back straightaway and cut him off in the last corner, so I was able to get the win.”

Tyler O'Hara (29) beat Kyle Wyman (33) by just half a second in the opening round of the three-round Mission King Of The Baggers Series. Photo by Brian J. Nelson King Of The Baggers: The King Is Back Round one of the Mission King Of The Baggers Championship featured an exciting battle at the front between Mission Foods S&S Cycle Indian Challenger rider Tyler O’Hara, who was last year’s King Of The Baggers invitational winner, and MotoAmerica Superbike rider Kyle Wyman, who was aboard his Screamin’ Eagle Harley-Davidson Road Glide Special. O’Hara and Wyman each took turns at the front with Wyman getting the holeshot and leading the race until lap five when O’Hara took the lead and, ultimately, the checkers. At the stripe, O’Hara’s margin of victory over Wyman was just under half a second. Meanwhile, third place went to Frankie Garcia, who raced his Roland Sands Design Indian Challenger to his second consecutive King Of The Baggers podium finish. “Kyle (Wyman) is riding awesome,” O’Hara said of the newest addition to the King Of The Baggers rider lineup. “To have that full factory effort coming in here, it’s an awesome challenge. I love a challenge, and I think it’s great for the sport and it’s just going to elevate both of our programs, and our bikes are just going to get better and better. So definitely it’s good to have. Hopefully, we can get some more bikes. The Indian Challenger, you can go out and buy it and basically get all the parts that I’m running on my bike and come out and race. I’m looking forward to getting more bikes on the grid, but for sure there’s definitely more of a challenge this year.”

Sean Dylan Kelly wheelies his M4 ECSTAR Suzuki after winning the Supersport race for the second day in a row on Sunday. Photo by Brian J. Nelson Supersport: Kelly Does The Double The first double race winner of 2021 is M4 ECSTAR Suzuki’s Sean Dylan Kelly, who completed a perfect weekend in the Supersport class by earning the pole and winning both Saturday’s race one and Sunday’s race two. Defending class champion Richie Escalante salvaged what started out as a rough weekend when he crashed and destroyed his 2021 HONOS Kawasaki and had to race his 2020 bike in both Supersport events. Escalante made the best of the situation and finished second to Kelly on Saturday and again on Sunday. Class rookie Rocco Landers emerged on Sunday with a third-place finish after surviving a last-turn skirmish for the final podium spot. “I have to be very, very proud of the work and very happy with this weekend,” Kelly said. “Honestly, it’s been a tough road ever since the 2020 season. We already know how Richie was from the start of last year. It was definitely tough for me throughout the year and then throughout the off-season. I’ve just been really focused on my work, focused on what we have to improve. It’s been big teamwork between working on myself, working with the team. They made huge steps. I made huge steps. Our package is just much better, and here’s the results. We came in really well this weekend. I just focused on being better in the end of the races. That’s where we struggled last year. Here’s the result. I wasn’t expecting a pole position yesterday, but we got that. The pace in yesterday’s race was really, really good. We focused on some improvements for today. I didn’t go any faster in the race, but I think just certain things were a little different out there but still my pace was just as good. Really happy with my consistency with the gap that we made to second. Overall, just very proud of all the work. I just want to thank my whole team, thank my sponsors and everyone who was behind me, supporting me, and believing in me. We’re just going to keep on working. We have a long way to go. We’re just going to keep on going with this focus and go into every weekend working to dominate.”

Travis Wyman (10) got past Geoff May (99) to win the Stock 1000 race on Sunday at Michelin Raceway Road Atlanta. Photo by Brian J. Nelson Stock 1000: Wyman Gets It Done In Sunday morning’s Stock 1000 race two, the middle Wyman brother Travis rode his Travis Wyman Racing BMW to victory one day after finishing third in race one. Wyman caught up to and overtook early race leader Geoff May, who finished second aboard his Geoff May Racing/VisionWheel.com Honda. Meanwhile, Jones Honda rider Ashton Yates rounded out the podium after finishing second in Saturday’s race one. “I still didn’t get a very good start,” Wyman said. “But we made a pretty good change last night. We kind of gambled on something in the warmup to get a little bit more grip out of the bike in the long term, and we did. We improved it, for sure. But really the biggest change today was just getting through the pack of riders. Jake (Lewis) kind of really gave me an advantage. He hit a false neutral there or something. So, when I got out front and I had a little bit of a gap, I knew that I could click off some laps to catch Geoff (May), but it definitely wasn’t easy. I was pushing really hard. I was seeing 27 flat, 27 flat on my timer, and I wasn’t really making up a lot of ground. But I could tell that Geoff was struggling a little bit and the tire was starting to fall off. I think mine just held on a little bit longer. Towards the end of the race, I was able to close the gap. Definitely got to give it to my crew chief, Steve, for making that adjustment this morning to our rear end.”

Teagg Hobbs (79) won his first career Twins Cup race at Road Atlanta. Trevor Standish (16) was second and yesterday's winner Kaleb De Keyrel crashed out. Photo by Brian J. Nelson Twins Cup: Hobbs Gets His First Saturday’s Twins Cup race one winner Kaleb De Keyrel crashed his Robem Engineering Aprilia in Sunday’s race two, and the incident unfortunately also collected his teammate Hayden Schultz, who finished third on Saturday, along with two other teammates and Saturday second-place finisher Jody Barry. All told, four Aprilia riders were caught up in the incident, and thankfully none of the five were seriously injured. The race was red flagged, but none of the Aprilia riders who crashed were able to make the restart. As a result, the podium after Sunday’s race two was completely different from Saturday’s race one podium. Polesitter and Innovative Motorsports/Mike’s Imports Suzuki rider Teagg Hobbs escaped the incident completely, restarted the race, and went on to win by just .264 of a second over second-place finisher Trevor Standish aboard his Pure Attitude Racing Suzuki. Third place went to GCP Suzuki’s Chris Parrish. “Pretty tough weekend,” Hobbs said. “We were P1 almost every session we went out. That was harder for me because that was the most pressure I’ve ever felt. So going into yesterday’s race, we were running all right, then I got the sign for the jump start. I was gutted immediately. I knew I needed to put it past me today before today’s race. Learn from those mistakes. I went into today’s race, and we were running all right. There was a big pack up front. Kaleb went by me on the front straight, and I held my line on the outside of him and all of a sudden, I saw a bunch of smoke and he went backwards. I heard a bunch of noises. I looked back and there were three guys on the ground. Obviously, the red flag came out, and we came in. I thought they’d be back in the race, given how long the cleanup time was. Then I saw the starting grid and these guys were all behind me. I was like, ‘Oh boy. This isn’t going to be an easy one.” Just put my lines down and tried to focus for the race. Off the line I wanted to get a good start and try to lead, but also like Trevor was saying, I didn’t want to lead into turn one. Luckily my start was horrendous. The first few laps were a little hairy into turn one, but I took the lead and I knew I just needed to do whatever I could to stay up front. Trevor was putting a lot of pressure on me. Every time I went by the start/finish I saw on my board ‘plus 0.’ I tried my best to ride the best last few laps I could and finally won one of these things, so I’m stoked. I’ve got a lot of pressure on me now to chase down the points leader going into Virginia. I’m happy for Trevor, happy for Chris.” For the complete 2021 MotoAmerica Series schedule, click HERE To purchase tickets for any of the 2021 series round, click HERE For information on how to watch the 2021 MotoAmerica Series, click HERE For more info checkout our dedicated MotoAmerica Support Series News page motoamerica-support-series-latest-news/ Or visit the official MotoAmerica website motoamerica.com/

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#BenGloddy #MotoAmerica #RoadAtlanta #SeanDylanKelly #TeaggHobbs #TravisWyman #TylerOHara

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soysaucevictim · 4 years

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A year ends, and a new one begins...

Dec. 28

I woke up a bit before 1PM, today.

Watched a bit of YouTube before doing today’s exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 front kicks with EC. This was a bunch of fun, to start my day off. :D

Second, 5’ warmup. I did 1′ of exercises in this order march steps, step jacks, march steps, seal step jacks, and march steps. I think that was a pretty good variety for today.

Third, Day 1 of the Knee Conditioning Program. I intend to go for 6 weeks on this thing, really get my knees some much needed TLC. I’ve basically interpreted that this will comprise of 4 active days and 2 rest days a week (which respectively will entail the same stuff). I’m starting off with the former, today.

As such, this was on the docket (I did double everything but the squats, because I wanted to target both sides and the letter of it is focal to “an injured side”):

Stretching:

Heel Cord - 2x4(30″)

Standing Quad - 3x30ct; for the sake of time, I’ll do 2x going forward.

Supine Hamstring - 3x30ct; ditto, but so far, so good...

Strength:

Half Squats - 3x10(5ct); all body weight for now + I really tried to bend forward too much.

Hamstring Curls - 3x10(5ct); didn’t use balance assist + surprisingly challenging!

[Single Leg] Calf Raises - 2x10; did use balance assist + fun.

Leg Extensions - 3x10(5ct); pretty simple

Straight-Leg Raise - 3x10(5ct); oh man, my tendons really felt that!

SLR (Prone) - 3x10(5ct); definitely felt the right muscles when I kept hips grounded + mild ingestion happened. :P

Hip Abduction - 3x20(5ct); effective tendon strengthening + made me question my life choices. :I

Hip Adduction - 3x20(5ct); a bit awkward but a bit easier than last exercise.

Leg Presses - 3x10 w/ 3 lbs resistance band; this was the first time I used bands before so that was fun, if a bit scary (I don’t want it to snap, but I should trust in them more)!

I sincerely think that workout alone took at least an entire hour to complete. Especially because of all the counts asked for (which I get you have to slow down for strength/flexibility work). I also kept my rest periods between sets short but pretty irregular. Program doesn’t specify times for most of it - so I think I’ll need to be more structured about that, it might make it more sustainable (but more time-consuming).

Fourth, upperbody workout. Despite how long that took, I decided to do the Vortex Workout. I did it at Level 3 and with EC. I also kept my arms up for the whole time for each set. All of that made a Level 1 workout feel more like a Level 2-3 workout! But it was a good complement. :,D

Last, Day 28 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

For sourdough bread. My favorite bread. Hands down,

For pepperjack cheese, ditto.

For chocolate.

Yeah, I chose to be succinct - given the longer portions of my day. :P

...

Dec. 29

I woke up a bit after 1PM, today.

Did a bit of the usual, before getting in today’s exercise.

First, today’s DD. 20 butt-ups with EC. This was just a fun and doable exercise.

Second, 5’ warmup. I just spent the whole time doing march steps.

Third, Day 2 of the KCP. Active day, similar to yesterday. Partly because I was more structured with rest periods - this took me nearly 2 hours.

Heel cord stretch was done in 2x4(30″) for left leg and then 2x4(30″) for the right. For both the standing quad and supine hamstring stretches, split their total 2x2(30″) by alternating sides, since they did say switch legs. For the whole stretching sequence I rested 30″ in between sets and exercises.

After 1′ rest, I went into the strength routine. Still working with body weight, did the ham curls without and the calf raises with support. I rested for 30″ in between each set and each exercise - until I got to the hip adductions, which I increased to 1′ rest. I may have to extend the rests a bit earlier than that, because though I could manage it was barely sustainable. Probably after either the prone straight leg raises or even the leg extensions.

Fourth, ab workout. I did Beginner Abs (again?) at Level 3 with EC (another Level 1 workout). And it took like an eighth as long as that knee work did. But this was pretty satisfying to get done and fluidly and swiftly going from one exercise into the next!

(After making the fam dinner and some of the usual...)

Last, Day 29 of the DGC. I’m grateful:

That we were able to get the house fixed after the flood of ‘14.... it’s been 5 years since that happened? Wow.

That we had Grandpa there, as a contractor, to get that done with the kind of money we had.

That we still have this house, despite it all.

...

Dec. 30

I woke up a bit after noon, today. Better.

Did a bit of watching YouTube before getting on with today’s exercise.

First, today’s DD. 20 up/downward dogs with EC. Stringing 20 of these is still not the most fun to do. But I got through it, by almost the skin of my teeth. :P

Second, 5’ warmup. 1′ of each exercise in sequence: step jacks, march steps, seal step jacks, march steps, and half step jacks.

Third, Day 3 of the KCP. Active day, mostly like yesterday. Took me about 2 hours again. I guess I’ll have to accept that for the rest of my time with it, for active days anyways.

Stretching went the same except I didn’t rest in between sets/switches for the quad and hamstring stretches - shave down some time there.

I did both the hamstring curls and calf raises without assist (but wobbled and fell out a few times for the latter.) I also went for 30″ rest breaks between sets and exercising for the strength training. Then extended that to 1′ after the prone straight-leg raises. The extension was a great call - but it nevertheless got seriously tough by the end, there.

(After eating some dinner...)

Fourth, cardio workout. Bad Knees: Cardio, done at Level 3 with EC. Just pretty doable and I think appropriate work to cap things off. My obliques might still end up feeling sore in a few days, despite it’s relative breeziness.

Last, Day 30 of the Daily Gratitude Challenge. I’m grateful:

That DAREBEE is going to release new programs very soon and I’m excited to run them!

That this challenge has been... well... challenging? But I appreciate it’s value.

That despite how time-consuming the KCP is, it does feel very comprehensive and like it’s going to be effective.

I then took a shower and finally got around to cutting my hair again. Lopped off a good foot of hair. Did some dishes and planning stuff before turning in (in the yellow zone.)

Dec. 31

I woke up before 8AM, today.

For some reason, I got up without my alarm. Maybe it was because I was excited to go about my day wearing the binder I got and see what people would think of the haircut

I got a few compliments. Seeking Safety wasn’t happening (the place was pretty vacant since half the staff had a day off), so I went to the diner for breakfast and had an omelette. Got back to the facility, joined Hope Group instead and then worked more on that art project.

Got home, did some of the usual, made the family dinner, and then exercised.

First, today’s DD. 3′ bouncing with EC. Given I was sleep deprived and had a bit of a headache, I wasn't sure if I was going to be up for it. But somehow, I got it in my first go. I started off slow and wound up picking up my pace as I went. I counted 358 bounces by the time was up, close to 2/sec, but I'm just glad I made it. Did trigger a coughing fit and get my legs to feel like noodles, though. :U

Third, Day 4 of the KCP. Rest day, a lot less to do, but similar structure. I dispensed with more warm-up because that DD did a p good job of that.

Stretching:

Heel Cord - 2x4(30″)

Strength:

[Single Leg] Calf Raises - 2x10

Last, upperbody workout. Couch Potato with EC. Pretty manageable, a bit in the middle in terms of intensity. Nice way to cover my bases gently.

... blah. I wound up going to bed very upset. I don’t feel like repeating myself from Twitter about it here (probably will jot it down for therapy journal and delete those tweets, tbh).

Jan. 1

Been up since shortly after 1PM.

Did watch a bit of YouTube, then some dishes and cleaning before working out today.

First, today’s DD. 3′ march steps with EC. I counted 279 reps by the end, good way to warmup for my main workout. Always think it's excellent to make the first DDs of the year relatively breezy, for the New Years Resolution crowd! :D

Second, 2’ warmup. Just more march steps.

Third, Day 5 of the KCP. Active day. Still pretty much a 2 hour workout. (For the record, I’ve been starting with doing left then right sides for all but exercises #2-4, since my left knee is a bit more cranky than the right.)

Was a bit haphazard with my rests, today. I set out to doing things like the last 2 active days. But I wanted to shave time by resting very little between a lot of the strength exercises and whenever I switched sides (since the other side will always have pretty much recharged muscles to start). I otherwise rested from 1′ (mostly the hip abd.s/add.s) to 30″ (everything else), in between sets on same side.

I’m sure I’ll figure out my Goldilocks Zone when it comes to that aspect of things. :Ic

Last, ab workout. Anywhere Abs, no EC (and no levels). I was very close to being able to get EC, but fell out of center a few times. Think my legs were a bit tired and I just wanted to keep it going. Regardless, this was otherwise pretty breezy work.

Yep. Went to bed in the red zone.

Jan. 2

I woke up a bit after 8AM.

One of the first things I decided to do at the facility was go to the diner and ate breakfast.

I then worked on my art project, WRAP, and Grounding Group. I also did a my DD before leaving. 1′ raised arm circles with EC. I did this while out at the facility, as one of the last things I did there. I count 104 reps by the end, fun and breezy work for me!

Got home, spent a good deal and the usual, before doing my exercise

Second, cardio workout. 30′ Walk, with EC. I also just used this as today’s extended warm-up. I rather liked doing this!

Third, Day 6 of the KCP. Rest day. This was pretty breezy and reminds me why I scheduled these on group days. Was pretty tired, otherwise.

Got to bed in the red zone, despite being very tired.

Jan. 3

I woke up a bit after noon.

Today was admittedly a bit of a haze - but I did make dinner, clean the toilet, and the DD (for today’s only exercise).

50 crunches with EC. I tried out doing this on an exercise ball for the first time, just to see how that would feel. It almost felt like it was harder than doing things on the floor, but nicer to the back. :P

Otherwise, I’ve spent a good deal of the day on the usual. And got to bed exorbitantly late. :P

With that, I’m going to go draft the next week’s post.

#adventures with fitness

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charlesoberonn · 7 years

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Down The Mountain

I checked my time today, and as it turns out, my hourly checks and limb warmups were wasting me nearly an hour every day. An hour I could really use to get back to civilization and off this mountain that much faster. I tried dropping the warmups to once every three hours, but that wasn’t enough. I dropped the daily warmups all together and went down to one checkup and partial warmup every night. This along with my shortened sleep cycle and my limited meals would end up saving me a lot more time I was previously wasting.

As the day ran cold, my feet began to lose all feeling. The 38 minutes I allowed myself to rest were about to end. I put on my shoes. It’s much easier to put on shoes when you don’t have to worry about pain in your feet. It allows you to go further and walk faster. That was good, I could cover more ground and maybe make it to safety fast enough to not lose my feet altogether. With less blood going to my feet, I can savour more energy. This along with the additional time I gave myself by not sleeping will help me get to civilization that much faster.

I stopped looking down at the ground. I can clearly see civilization down the mountain, but I could do that from the top as well. The trick isn’t seeing civilization, it’s being there. I stopped looking at the ground and focused all of my attention on my steps. I’ve been walking in paths that are far longer than I could walk if I took less precautions. If I maximized my steps I could save up to 20% of my energy and maybe allow myself more time to eat.

Walking through deep patches of snow slows me down, but it’s preferable to walking around them. It saves me the time I wasted by having a meal the other day. How stupid I was to think I could afford something like food in this dire situation. I also stopped worrying about whether or not I can keep my feet at the end of the trail. It was silly of me to worry about something so little when the goal is so close.

Things aren’t looking up. I lost all sensation in my feet, my stomach is so exhausted it stopped growling, and I’m up to my neck in snow. My speed took considerable losses and I can’t seem to match my previous pace. I put it in my calculation and I am wasting 25% of my energy. I need something else to cut down on but I don’t know what. Just one more thing to give me the push I need to finish the trek down the mountain.

They say the brain takes 25% of the body’s energy. I should be able to finish this trek in time if I just stopped thinking.

#a story a day #writing #charles writes

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mikeyd1986 · 7 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 73, October 2017

On Monday night, I attended my Body Balance class with Kaz at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. Over the weekend, I’ve been dealing with a number of personal issues which have accumulated to the point of feeling emotionally shutdown. I feel very conflicted in how I want to proceed. The fact that I’ve always been a highly sensitive person who overthinks, doesn’t have a thick skin, gets easily upset and can’t handle criticism from others has lead me to this state of low mood and depression. I feel lonely and confused as to what people think about me.

So tonight is all about releasing these negative thoughts and feelings that no longer serve me and getting back to looking after myself. I feel like I’ve improved heaps especially with the Pilates section. I try to follow on and do the best I can even with my hips and core muscles burning. It just takes a lot of practice and doing what you’re capable of. Never give up.

Tonight we did the following exercises from Release 77: Tai-Chi Warmup (Overhead circles, bow and arrow), Sun Salutations (Forward fold, downward facing dog, plank, crocodile, baby cobra, low lunge, open twist), Standing Strength (Chair pose, tree pose, Warrior 3), Pilates (Table top, Bridge pose with pulses and bicycle, Criss-cross crunches, Side plank elbow to knee), Hamstring Stretches (Wide-legged forward fold, Staff pose) and Relaxation (Japanese Garden guided meditation). http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...

On Tuesday afternoon, I spent some time with my Mum. After picking up my anti-depressants from the GP, Mum and I went to Cranbourne Park Shopping Centre to do some shopping. I could feel myself hitting rock bottom emotionally as things began to spill out of me. I was that depressed and low that I felt physically numb and empty just sitting at the table at Theobroma Chocolate Lounge Cranbourne. You can only keep that fake “everything’s fine” facade on for so long. I’m 31 years old and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

So many things have been affecting me in a negative way like my lack of friends/social life, the relationship with my PT, not having the confidence or self-esteem to stand up for myself, being unable to find my dream career or work out my direction in life. I think that I’ve become way too comfortable living at home with my parents that the prospect of moving out seems overwhelming and unbearable.

On Tuesday night, I attended my Body Combat class with Cinamon Guerin at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It was pretty obvious during tonight’s class that I was struggling to keep up more than usual and I also had to take slightly longer rest breaks from tracks. I honestly wasn’t surprised considering how mentally and emotionally overloaded I’ve been over the last few days so I really need to cut myself some slack. The fact that I was still participating, still working hard, still doing the best I can and still walking out dripping in sweat should be something to celebrate and be proud of.

I had a great chat with Cinamon after the class and really opened up to her about how I’ve been feeling. It really needed to unload everything that’s been weighing me down lately. I’m so glad that Cinamon has a sympathetic and non-judgemental ear and can understand what I’m going through. Some people don’t get mental illness no matter how hard you try to explain it to them and that’s something I just have to accept. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/f...

On Wednesday, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. Today was a tremendously difficult day for me after weighing up everyone’s opinions and advice on whether I should stay or should I go? Joel Perryman provided a welcome distraction by doing a brief interview with me about why I started training for UFT PLAYgrounds. I was also reading a chapter on “The Power of Self-Acceptance” from Dr. Russ Harris’ book The Confidence Gap. Kind of appropriate for me right now.

I don’t think I was fully prepared for the difficult conversation that was about to unfold between Luke and myself. It was time to take off the “everything’s fine” mask and get real about what’s been on my mind. I was physically shaking and feeling nauseous just listening to what Luke had to say to me. It was tough hearing those harsh truths it because I can’t seem to handle criticism of any sort. I do take a lot of things to heart, misinterpret things people say to me and get myself upset unnecessarily. I’ve just always been a highly sensitive person and I have to accept that.

Whilst part of me wanted to storm out of there and never return, I decided to do the mature thing, sit with the negative emotions, process what Luke said to me and try to learn and grow from this experience. I’m tired of running away from my problems. At times like these, I think that it’s really important to remember all the positive qualities that Luke possesses (He only wants the best for me. He wants me to improve in all aspects of my physical and mental health. He is friendly, encouraging and motivating). I’m holding onto hope that things will get better.

WARM-UP...I started the session by doing several yoga pose holds including camel pose, lizard pose and cobra pose. This was mentally tough for me as I was still feel like shit about what happened over the last few days. But continuing to beat myself up and calling myself a terrible person is not a productive way of dealing with this. I made mistakes. I took things Luke said to me the wrong way. Does that make me a terrible person? No, I don’t think so.

DEVELOPMENT...Somehow I managed to redeem myself here and explode out of that depressed, miserable mindset that I put myself in. I put the cards on the table and continued to open up to Luke which really helped me feel better. Today I did 5 rounds of 8 reps front squats at 50kg. Instantly my mind protested “Oh shit! Not front squats again. Remember what happened last time?” But I told my brain to shush and pushed myself through it.

I was pleasantly surprised at how well I was doing those front squats today. Despite my left wrist hurting, I still managed to get my technique right: t-rex grip on the bar, elbows and chest lifted, bar sitting on the shoulders. My squat depth was generally pretty good though I did struggle at times and noticed my heels lifted up a bit. But overall I walked away feeling like I did a really good job today. I turned negatives into positives which is exactly what I was hoping for. Things can only go up from here as I continue to get stronger and better.

On Thursday night, I went and saw Blade Runner 2049 at Village Cinemas Fountain Gate. You’d think I’d be used to going to the movies by myself at my age (All by myself, don’t wanna be all by myself anymore...) but evidently I’m not. I did make a few attempts to round up a few friends to come along but they all pretty much failed. It’s always been a huge struggle for me. It’s both frustrating and depressing but the reality is that I can’t control people’s lives or how busy they are or whether they’ll come or not. All I can do is ask.

Still I decided to not dwell on it too much and just focus on enjoying the movie. I’ve been waiting 15 years for this sequel to come out so I’m not going to wait for someone to go with, I’m really not. I have to remind myself that there’s nothing wrong with doing activities by myself at all. It’s just an acceptance thing really. I brought my copy of Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? which is very appropriate considering that’s the source material for Blade Runner. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1856101...

On Friday morning, I had my second Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. I felt like I was in a better place today mentally and emotionally since I sorted things out with Luke on Wednesday. I was reading “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff...and It’s All Small Stuff” by Richard Carlson to help facilitate a positive mindset and give myself some gentle reminds before I started my session.

This part in particularly spoke volumes for me...”On the contrary, when you’re in a bad mood, life looks unbearably serious and difficult. You have very little perspective. You take things personally and often misinterpret those around you, as you impute malignant motives into their actions.” (p. 81). Yeah I took things the wrong way with Luke last week and realise now that his critique is not personal, but used to improve my technique, performance and abilities. He’s only trying to help me, not put me down or treat me like shit.

WARM-UP...This morning I started my doing 5 minutes on the balance board and then three rounds of the following: 8 leg curls with the resistance band, 8 single arm kettle bell lifts and 8 “hey boys”. I was struggling a little getting my feet into the resistance band and almost getting myself tangled up in it but I decided to be patient and kind with myself instead of beating myself up like I usually do. I’m only human and overall, I did pretty well with these movements.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I did 5 rounds of 8 reps deadlifts at 77kg. As much as I kept trying to bury my frustration, it was continuing to pop up today as it took me many attempts to get my technique, form, movement and pace right. Plus the pain in my lower back and hips was annoying the hell out of me. There was the possibility of me breaking down over this but I told myself that “Take your time Michael. You can do this. I refuse to be defeated. I will not give up.” I took in all the advice and constructive criticism Luke was giving me and eventually I was getting it.

My biggest issue is keeping my shoulders pulled back and not hunching over the bar too much as well as touching the ground softly. But it’s certainly getting there. I may have been really breathless and fatigued by the end of my 5 sets but at least I got it done and gradually felt myself improve once I let go of that internal frustration. Like Luke said to me today, I just need to “relax” more. Easier said than done! Another big positive was my ability to get the plates on and off the bar. It’s getting better and I’m no longer being harsh with myself about how long it’s taking me. Progress is progress no matter how small.

WORKOUT...Today’s workout consisted of doing 3 rounds of the following: 200m row, 20 butterfly situps, 20 Russian twists and 10 hollow rocks. Even during my first round, I knew that the Russian twists were going to be my greatest challenge. I struggling to keep my balance, legs lifted and deal with the pain in my hips and lower back. But giving up never crossed my mind.

Every rep I got through with an achievement for me. That was my approach. Just get it done and I did. Luke recognised that my attitude towards this workout was much more positive compared to last week’s push-ups and I walked away feeling proud of that performance. Sure it was really difficult at times but I didn’t let it defeat me. That’s strength, resilience and determination right there.

On Friday afternoon, Mum and I visited the Dandenong Market. We bought some more flowers (yellow and dyed chrysanthemums), which are very cheap and better quality than the ones in the supermarket. We also bought some Christmas cards and fragrant soaps before having a bite to eat at the Cafe Marketto. The food here is always really good and decently priced. I ordered the Aussie Breakfast which consists of scrambled eggs on toast, mushrooms, spinach leaves and a rasher of bacon.

“Why am I like this? Trying to get my head stronger. My friends fucking hate me. My heart has grown cold and so lately. Everything I touch turns to stone and fades. And I feel a weight has lifted. And I feel the waves crash over me. Don’t lack or feel deflated. I found comfort in being free. Move forward keep your head up. You will find your home. Just don't give into pain. Move forward there. And you will find your home. You'll find your home. You'll find your home.” Reside - Home (2017)

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