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rezilient-m3 · 4 years

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9) This is another long one. I hate to write out this part because it's going to stir up old feelings. This next part is about Alex. To me, the beginning of us was amazing; it was new and exciting. He picked me up when I was at my lowest. Made me happy at the time.

Anyways, like I've said before, we met each other when he was seeing my sister S, and I had just had my 3rd daughter. We fooled around that summer, into early winter of 2012. I don't remember the last time I've seen him that time. Once, though, we met up at a bar. He was with the woman he was living with at the time too. I think I called her Laura. Anyways, we both had drinks (she wasn't drinking and had no idea about us, she just thought we were friends) So, we went back to their place. Long story short, she busted us making out in the garage after she said she was going to bed lol. Horrible people. Think that was the time he followed me and we woke up passed out in his car in my back yard. Idk. Besides the point, that's just how she ended up not liking me. He had always kept in touch though, always writing to me out of the blue, just to talk. There was always that little bit of excitement to hear from him especially when he'd admit he thinks about me still. He ended up moving from the city early the next year to a one horse town 5 hours east and bought a big, old building. His excuse was to get away from Laura. Which was always a weird story between them. From what he told me, she asked if she could move her stuff into his place as storage cuz she had nowhere to put them and he let her. Now, he always goes out of town for work, so she just moved herself in. I laughed at him cuz you can't just end up in a relationship and living with someone against your will, but whatever lol. So, they've lived together throughout that year, which is now 2013.

This is the year I had my own things going on. For one, still being with James, getting a new house for us and the girls, and school in the fall. So, this would be the year everything fell apart too. Nov, James beat the hell out of me, sister S told Alex, Alex messaged to ask "what the hell?", told him about it and continued to talk. By Christmas, I'm alone with my cousin and my little half sister. Then Boxing Day he tells me he has a truck to look at in the city and wants to see me the next day, I say sure. Then immediately regrets it, as I'm a nervous wreck when he's texting saying he was on his way. I'm sober and freaking out cuz I haven't seen him in over a year. I almost tell him to not come and make up an excuse as to why lol. I was always weird about talking to someone I like sober, it was always easy to do it when I was drinking. It was my sister that calmed me down, all she said was, "all you gotta do is open the door and say hi and go from there." Which was totally true lol. He came, I opened the door, and to my shock he was very hairy lol. He had a huge beard and big hair. He's naturally curly, but I never knew that cuz I've never seen him like this lol. But it had went okay after that. We all got nice and drunk, had sex all night until he had to go back home to get to work. Now, before you ask, Laura was still at his place BUT was supposed to move out right away. He made it clear they weren't together, she was just very stubborn as to leaving. Whatever.

He leaves, then I leave New Years Eve. Again, to remind you, I left my house to my cousin, so all I take with me is a duffel bag of clothes. My sister and I catch the bus to the next city, where our mom and her then bf lived. I ended up staying there for almost 3 weeks, not missing a day of being drunk. Alex did come out twice. He took days off just to come. At the time I didn't think of it as a big deal but later I seen how much he must've cared because he was 6 or 7 hours away and asked for days off saying he had appts to come just to spend a night or 2 with me. Cute. Anyways, there came the time where I told him I was ready to go home, which was my mum's house on the reserve, cuz where else was I gonna go? Lol. And that's when he told me to come visit him before I do. Mind you, at the time I didn't fully understand what it was he did, or why he was always working in a different town, but I agreed. He bought me a bus ticket and off I went. Fricken bus ride took me nearly 10 hours with all the layovers, so that was a horrible ride. Especially being so hung over lol.

I arrive to a semi small town, where he stays in a hotel and I have to admit, I wasn't as comfortable I thought I was now that I was spending time with him sober. It was a little bit awkward. To this day, I don't think I've ever admitted that to him. Our routine ended up being: he wakes up super early, goes to work. I'm in the hotel, sleeping or watching tv. It wasn't that much fun, but I liked him. Anyways, I found that if I drank about 5 beer by the time he got back, I wasn't so awkward. Then we'd go out for supper and go buy his munch stuff and back to the room and drink a bit more and sleep. So, that's what we did for a long time.

At that job, his shift was 21 days on and 4 days off. So, I was finally going to see his building he's told me about. (While we were there he told Laura I was with him and she HAS to leave his place now) So, I didn't get a nice message from her. Even my sister S was upset I ended up with him too. (It would be years for her to finally come around). Anywhoo, we get to his house and have fun. Of course, we both stayed drunk the whole time. Then, it was back to work and I followed again, so, back to that same routine. It goes on like this until he got laid off that spring. Mind you, we never had the conversation of us moving in together, but it just happened that way. I always laugh about that.

Next few months was good, some parts bad, but still, the feelings I had were still new and exciting. I thought I was happy. My parents finally met him in March of 2014, I finally decided I had to go home and visit. He drive me up to the closest town before he had to go to work. I remember my mum saying, "he's not even an old man" lol. James had told her I was cheating on him with an old man before and she remembered that cuz she knew it was him I was fooling around with. So, that was funny. Then, I went back after whatever shift that was.

He started to hit me. He said he's never hit a woman before but I just knew how to drive him crazy. Whatever. I stayed cuz I had nowhere else to go. I was 7 hours away from my parents and no vehicle. So, I stayed. We'd make up or act like it never happened after he apologized. Went on like this for the rest of that year. But when we were good, we were great! When we were bad, we were worse. It was a love/hate relationship. To me, I felt like I didn't with James, or anybody else. Plus, I thought to myself, for someone who is 14 years older, he can't do any better lol. So, for the life of me, I never thought he'd ever cheat. (We'll get into that in a bit, when it's too late)

I go home the end of November, while he's at a job again. I went out drinking with my sister B, her long time bf, my gay uncle and an old man who likes to drink. I told Alex the next day I didn't remember getting home. That info is important cuz I ended up pregnant in December. Found out for real after New Years. No, this was what he wanted since summer, since we went to his home province and I met his family. He wasn't excited about my news. He wasn't excited cuz to him, that night I don't remember going home, I cheated on him, so the baby couldn't be his. That was disappointing. I tried to tell him i had no one to cheat with and I would have known the next day if I did anything cuz a girl could always know. But that didn't matter. It was a shitty first few months. I refused to get a paternity test because I thought it could have hurt the baby. When I learned all I had to do was give a blood sample I thought of it. I was mad though. I didn't want it because I KNEW! And it made worse cuz he didn't believe me. When I was about 4 or 5 months I gave in to the test, only because I kept thinking about the day I had our baby. I wanted him to be genuinely happy, not filled with doubt. Stupid. So, I did. He paid like 2300 for it. Waste, cuz the baby was his, but we found out it was a boy. What really bothered me about the whole thing was he didn't keep any of this from his family, friends, and Laura, of all fucken people. I seen in his messages he still talked to her and told her about our personal shit. I hated that. So, to all of them, I must've looked like a cheater for agreeing to the test. (Karma from my last relationship? Lol)

Towards the end of my pregnancy we got the news that his dad had cancer and it was spreading pretty quickly. He asked for a layoff and we went visit him for a few days. I won't get into the mess his stepmother had caused at the time, but we left a few days before he died. He died on Aug 3rd, 2015. Our son was born Aug 16. It must've been a hard time for him. I didn't know how to be there for him. I felt useless. I was happy for our baby, though. I can't imagine how torn he was with all of those emotions at the time.

After awhile, we got into the habit of drinking again. When he was gone to work I'd always ask my little half sister, or anybody to come sty with me, usually to have someone to drink with. (I forgot to mention I had a cousin that lived 10 minutes away from me. Learned that a cpl months after moving to that town, so she was always around). Anyways, Alex didn't like it when I drank when he was gone. A total fucken hypocrite cuz we were drunks when he was home. So, the calls to the cops started. All winter through spring, he must've called on me like 4 or 5 times. Cops would come and see we were okay, like I had someone saying that they would watch him or I was okay enough that they'd leave. There were times too, after calling the cops, that he'd just quit his job and come home. So unnecessary, but that's where the resentment and shit came in. His feelings of him "having" to quit his job, and I was still mad at the paternity test and him telling everybody about it. We argued a lot. Last time he called the cops and quit his job, I left. I guess Social Services were called and told Alex I couldn't see my son unless it was supervised. Plus, he had my history with social services to use against me too. It was spring time, and our baby wasn't that old. I went home, and did what I always did: drink.

After a weekend in no reception at the cabins getting hammered, I came home on a Sunday to voicemails I didn't check until that next day. Here dummy got himself put in jail and our son in care. He got arrested for drinking and driving, putting our baby at risk and endangering, and assault of a police officer. (At the time if was attempted murder on a police officer cuz cop said he tried to run him over) it was crazy. And I couldn't do anything about my baby cuz of what just happened before I left. Stupid dummy. I blamed him so much.

He stayed in jail from April to October. While I was doing anything and everything to get my son out of care, his fucken mom served both of us with court papers wanting custody. That shocked the hell out of me. I was so broken. Luckily for us she lived in another country so she couldn't get him right away. But we decided to be together and fight against her. Especially that he had no one once his mother turned on him. So, it was up to me to take care of everything from vehicles, dogs, his bills, his lawyer, my lawyer, and all my programming. That was a rough summer alone. I went to rehab, went visit my baby as much as I could, and all the while being there for him. I found out that since we started dating, he was talking to another woman, one who he used to date when he was younger. He planned on seeing her the first time I went home in March the year before, but she always tends to stop communicating with him months at a time. Then, I found out he was saying for oral and sex before, during and right after I was pregnant. I confronted him about the callgirls on one of our calls and he denied everything. I was sick to my stomach. I didn't talk to him for over a week. It was going to be our son's 1st bday and I was on my way to visit him with my mum. I never told her why I was upset and not speaking to him, but I let him talk to him while we were with our baby. Then I went back to ignoring him. I did that until I had to talk to him about court. I knew there was no way I'd win anything if it was going to be me against him against his mom. So, I had to be in this together so his mother wouldn't win our son. I had to put all that shit aside and deal with this mess. It was so conflicting because I hated him and couldn't help but blame him, but I still, truly, loved him. By the time he was going to get out, my dad stopped paying for my lawyer and said Alex can pay the rest since it was his mom doing it. I needed up owing over 7000. Alex never paid. That debt is still sitting there. But nobody really won anything in court. Alex got out in the end of September, we got our baby back the beginning of Oct and court just stopped because our baby was in our care again. I hated his mom so much that time.

We went back to living together. We never were the same though. I still felt the hurt and resentment of everything. And I never really felt the gratitude of what I did for the both of us to get through that nightmare. We just went back to drinking and fighting. The first half of 2017 we knew we were going to try move from that small town. Mainly because our son now seen an eye specialist and required regular visits and would soon need an eye surgery. So, our goal was an area closer to the city. We sold most of our things through that summer, our camper, our skidoos, vehicles. Got rid of things we didn't need and prepared for the move. All the while still not being good. Sure, we had sex, slept in the same bed and had fun sometimes, but there was always that looming feeling of the end would be soon. With that mindset, it was bound to happen. On top of everything else, he couldn't drive because of why he went to jail, so I was the only one with a license. (I had just got mine back cuz I got a dui once the year before driving his car back from my brother's place in another city. That's another story). I only had my license for awhile. One time our son and I returned to our house from a visit from my mums and I wanted to go out with my cousin and her friends. He wouldn't let me, even though I said I'd have a sober driver. I ended u sneaking out and took off with the car lol. He called the cops and I got arrested. He denied it him being the one to call but who else would it be. So, this was another thing to resent him for, even though I was the dumbass that left while buzzed.

There was a lot of unresolved shit between us. We both knew that. We moved to a small town just 20 kms away from the city in Nov of 2017. It was November 14, we broke up and I was gone November 28. Just enough time to situate his house lol. My friend Charles laughed at me for that. This was my spiral. He still worked away from home so required someone to watch our son and he didn't want it to be me. This devastated me because I would have been okay. I knew I wouldn't have been drinking if I had my son at my mum's house. But he didn't care. He got Laura to watch our son. Imagine the betrayal I felt. She eventually moved into his place and watched our son. I remember thinking she got what she always wanted, a son to raise with him. She had said that to him before when they dated, since she couldn't give him any children that he should knock up a girl and they could raise his baby. Real fucked. Lol. But it wasn't funny in my mind. I really thought they'd end up a thing and my son would end up calling her mom. I still came visit, and Alex did let me take home my son when he was home from work. There was two times soon after our break up I came and we'd act like we were together. But we'd fight after a night of drinking and I'd leave again. It was stupid. That whole year of 2018, I barely seen my son, probably once a month, sometimes longer than that. It was rough for me.

I was on a binge of different guys and drinking more than ever. I just didn't care. It gotten so bad by summer. After every binge I'd be so hungover sick and depressed in ym mum's basement, contemplating my suicide. It seemed every time it was getting worse. I thought it out carefully. I couldn't bring myself to do it in their home, so knew it would be somewhere else. One time I went home drunk, grabbed lots of pills, went out and locked myself in the shack, was writing a draft in my email about all the shit that was on my mind, and took the pills and downed my vodka. I woke up that next morning with throw up around the side of me. I honestly never woke up like that in my life. So, to me, it was like someone or something had to do it. It scared me. Didn't stop me from drinking though. But the thing that really saved me that time was my dad. He pulled me out of his basement to follow him to the next big town to shop for his store, which was almost everyday. Then every evening, when I wasn't drinking he'd cal me to tell me he needed help. I spent most of my time with him. I really got to know him, like I hadn't before. This was amazing. I could talk to him about not feeling like myself and how sad I was. I never told him about the pills but he knew I was broken. Cuz to me, at the time I had fuck all to live for. My oldest son was in a good place, with his grandparents, my daughter's had no idea who I was and my son had his dad and Laura. So fuck my life, I felt like nothing. But that man, my hero, pulled me out of the darkest place I've ever been. He doesn't know how bad it was and probably doesn't have the faintest idea of what an impact he had on me, but he really did save me. I'll forever be grateful for that.

As for Alex and I, you can tell there were still feelings between us, despite everything. When we talked, we flirted. When I visited, he would always find a way to just come hold me. It was very confusing. When it got closer to fall, I decided I was going to get sober. Not for him, but for me. For how dark I got. I stopped drinking the end of September of 2018. I filled in a request to go to rehab in the beginning of Oct, didn't find out I was going to one until Dec. But I did drink one more time. Nov 7 I decided to go back to my mom and little half sister's city with them to visit. I thought I'd know how and was thinking of all the sober things I'd do instead of drinking. I was stupid. I didn't last 10 minutes of leaving the bar on our way. I drank for 8 days straight. My dad sent my sister J to come get me when I said I was done and wanted to come home. I broke my dad's heart that time. He told me weeks later he cried the night I left. I still feel bad for it. Anyways, Alex knew about everything. I told him i wasn't drinking anymore, that I was waiting to hear about a bed in rehab and he knew when I left with my mom and went drinking. He was upset with me. His words were when I told him I was at my mom's, "I know I have no right to be mad at you but I'm mad at you." I just laughed but I knew it was because he still cared.

That next month, in Dec, he made my year when he said I could have our kid at Christmas, just cuz he took him to his family the tear before after we've separated. And we were talking more. I never thought we'd get back together cuz in my mind we were done a long time ago. But things were clear that we were always flirting, like kids lol. Laura was still here and his mom was visiting them before Christmas. So, they were both here when I come get him. This would be the first time I've seen or spoken to his mom since the whole court thing so I wasn't about to spend any time on her. I came in, said hi, grabbed my son and left. I was scheduled to go into rehab Jan 7, so Alex had asked me if I wanted to come home, as in move back in. That caught me by surprise but I was going to. I was going to come back with our son in time to spend New Years with them and go to rehab from his house. That all changed when James called me out of nowhere on Dec 30th at like 1030. Then that's when I spent my last week with my girls for the first time in 5 years.

I could tell Alex was scared I was going to end up with James, but I knew I could never be with him again, even if I was still going to be single. So I went to rehab my scheduled date, was about 6 days in until I got asked to leave lol. My counselor told me I had a warrant for arrest from an assault charge against Alex, and I was like whaaaaa? (Which just now makes sense as to why lol. Back in the summer of 2017, Alex was working, living out of camper. We went visit and of course, drinking. Anyways our kid was crying, him n I were fighting and I was going to put our kid to bed, while waiting for my little sister to come get me. Instead, our baby opened the door, went flying out and fell on the ground. Alex claimed he seen me push him out. Of course I didn't, I was trying to grab him. He called cops and I got charged. Didn't stand in court because not enough evidence. One of the many stupid shit I had to deal with.) Anyways, it was this charge they've must have been talking about. At the time, I couldn't think of why because I thought the charge was against him, cuz they both have the same names and thinking I've never gotten charged for him before. Now I feel dumb for not thinking of it before lol. Anyways, I was told to leave until I have it dealt with because they couldn't have anybody in the facility with that kind of unresolved charge. I called my mum, then my dad and he was going to send someone for me until he asked what Alex was doing. Then, I thought, "hey, why not call him? We were sort of together." lol. So, I did, and he come got me. Laura was still in his house so that was super awkward lol. But during this time, I got to spend a weekend with him. I got to feel those feelings for the first time in a long time and to see and feel that we do still love each other. Maybe it was all just meant to happen the way it did that time. Cuz now, I was going in there with the feeling of certainty, like I had reasons of doing this and I was going to fight for us again.

Then I finished and got my shit together. I thought things would be awesome between James and I too, I thought he was finally going to grow up and my life would fall into place. Fuck was I wrong. He still has a stick up his butt about Alex and I, so I never got to see my girls again since the last weekend of rehab. Screw him. Anyways, I finished Feb 16 or something. Waited until March to realize nothing has changed between James and I. So, I called legal aid, I also applied to school. I was making steps to a better future. All the while, things were great between Alex, our kid and me. I was finally happy. Like, truly happy. I started school in Spetember 2019, my boy started prek, and I got my 1st appt with my lawyer on Sept 13 too.

My happiness was shattered when Alex got home in Oct. He was away at a camp job, gone for about 3 or 4 weeks. When he got home I opened his computer and found sites for callgirls. That was a punch in the stomach. Even Googling "can you get STDs from oral?" Like, hell yes you can, stupid. Holy fuck that was harsh. Especially that I finally felt content, for the first time since the beginning of us. Anyways, that night I read that, he was putting our son to bed, I went in, kissed my son and walked out. Luckily for me, my sister J and her bf were in the city for an appt, so I went crash there and went to school that morning. I told him what I found and he denied everything, as usual. We separated. I went home that weekend and even found a place to move into for myself. When I told him this he said I didn't have to leave and after I thought about everything, I stayed. Not with him. I moved into the bedroom downstairs and we lived like that for almost 2 months. Slowly, it got easier to talk to him as if we were friends again. Then, of course, after awhile he asked if he could hug me. Then, those hugs turned into pecks on the lips... then, I found myself crawling into his bed one morning because I missed him. Maybe I'm a sucker. Maybe I'll regret it. Maybe that was it. Idk. We were together since. And since, he's been away to work once or twice. But for now, I'm starting to feel happy again. But I still have those doubts. What if he's still doing what he was doing? I hate it sometimes.

Right now, he went to another city for the night to get parts for a vehicle he's trying to sell, so that's why I decided to do this. I told him I was writing about our story and how ugly it was and I hope he's done with all the stupid shit. He says he loves me more than anything or anyone, besides our kid, and wouldn't want to lose me again and not to worry. But who wouldn't? That was a lot he's put me through. It's hard.

Writing about these things seems amazing about how I got through them, but it could be a lie. I still feel upset and a little resentful about them. And sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk about it to. Maybe I do need someone. Maybe soon. Idk. But I'm getting through it. We're together and trying. I love him, no denying that but if anything else ever happens I'd have to be stronger than before and not take any of this type of shit again. I'm too good for any of it. I'm a great mom, and I'm trying to be the best I can be. I'm sober and almost done school. I deserve better. Let's just hope he sees this.

But I'm done for now. This may have been the longest post now. Of course, there's lots I didn't write about. I will if I need to. That that's the story of Alex and I.

Until next time. ✌

#allofme #hardlove #thisisme

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