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zocrzay · 3 years

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I am coming clean and admitting I've had an unhealthy obsession these past few weeks analyzing the break up of Katie & Greg, my favorite ship from the entire Bachelor/ette franchise. I went down hard with this ship as it crashed and burned. From the beginning, I loved their chemistry and even if some say they were just trauma bonding over the passing of their fathers, I felt they had so much more going for them. I just figured out why I can't shake this pair out of my head.

Here it is: Katie & Greg remind me of Lizzie & Darcy from Pride & Prejudice, one of the greatest love stories ever told. The idea that a couple similar to a favorite fictional pairing could exist in real life had awakened the hopeless romantic in me.

Greg is totally Mr. Darcy. He is a family man, adorably awkward, reserved, internally tormented, but also deeply passionate. He's willing to dance to encourage affection.

Katie is like Lizzie. She is strong-willed, proud (maybe too proud), and has a sharp tongue. She gives no one permission to insult her. She loves her family even though they're embarrassing. Katie does not quite fit in with other women, but that is why she is so interesting.

The opposite personalities of Lizzie & Darcy made their playful banter and relationship dynamic so enjoyable. They challenged each others' ideas. They expanded each others' consciousness as they learned more about each other. This was synergy at its finest.

Katie is from hipster Seattle while Greg is from fuss-free Jersey - two very different worlds at opposite ends of America. They brought these worlds together in beautiful balance. When they split, the Bachelor Nation fandom was divided like a broken family. At least Greg owned up the error of his ways, but Katie seems dead set on hating him. Eventually, the false narratives she tells herself to keep her walls up will unravel . I hope she faces the facts and owns up to her part in the communication breakdown. When Greg was most vulnerable, Katie could not show a hint of honest affection. She accused him of giving up on the relationship moments after he confessed his love for her. Katie only spoke of herself as a prize to be won, but to Greg, she meant so much more than just that. I hope she realizes the profound truth in what Greg was trying to tell her the day he left her. True love is more than just keeping up appearances for a show and more than just physical attraction. It is more than just saying the words "I love you" or handing out roses. Katie and Greg were more than just two hot people who were mutually attracted to each other. They had divine harmony when they were together... until they were burned by the heat of their own fire.

It is nice to know Greg just wants Katie to be happy, but I do not believe Katie & Blake have the secret sauce. Good for them for having a lot of sex, but from what I know, that kind of connection is not long term sustainable. If banging each other is the main reason they're together, they'll eventually get bored. Blake fell in love so easily with two previous Bachelorettes and that cheapens his affection for Katie. I'm sure he can bounce back quickly if Katie left him. Sorry man. Blake seems like a great person, but his intellect does not seem to match hers ("You don't have to be great. You just have to be you." dafuq?). I thought she was smarter, but maybe her flippant use of the term 'gaslighting' proves otherwise. It is shamefully elitist to point that out, but honestly, their conversation was drab when they weren't talking about sex. There are a lot of hot horny ladies out there that Blake might have more chemistry with than her. He was not even sure he wanted to propose and it was mean to tease her in the proposal speech with "I don't think I can give you what you came here for". The Say Anything references were also cringeworthy. We did not see their love get tested. She was like a damsel in distress and Blake just swooped in to save her season of the show just because he happened to be there. It was quite dull. The 'conclusion' of their journey was really unsatisfying. Katie describing their love story as "perfect" just shows the lack of depth in their relationship.

Lizzie & Darcy were such beloved characters because they were both flawed. They both made mistakes, but because of their love, they were willing to overcome their pride and their prejudice. They corrected course and became the best versions of themselves at the end of the story before choosing to be together. "I was wrong" are three words that make the words "I love you" so much more meaningful. True love is transformational. Feelings of attachment are not true love unless there is consciousness. The best love stories are not about lovers conquering outside forces, but conquering their own inner demons. People truly in love consciously choose to grow together in spirit, not in spite of their imperfections, but because of them.

Greg was impatient and had unrealistic expectations. He should have given Katie more chances to figure out what he was saying. Maybe she found his desperation unattractive. Maybe if he helped her off the floor and said goodbye properly, she might have flown out to Jersey to go after him. Katie was shallow when she could only say "I just love looking at you" and spoke to Greg as if he were just a contestant on a game show. It seemed as if his pain was just an inconvenience to her. She seemed untrustworthy. If she had stronger feelings for Blake or was still undecided, openly expressing that to Greg would have been more respectable than stringing him along to dump him later. If Greg was the one she wanted the most, she looked incredibly fickle switching her affection to whoever was still available. Most people have not been in her situation, so it is tough to judge.

Lizzie Bennet said a lot of mean things, but she was a strong female character because she was able to learn from her mistakes and grow as a person without compromising her core values. She was in love with Darcy for his character and integrity. He was courageous, generous, and compassionate - his appearance, his wealth and his status were least important to her. He proved his love for Lizzie by his selfless acts of kindness to her family even after she accused him of being a pompous ass.

Greg staying out of the way to honor Katie's decision and let her be happy with Blake is an act of love. Him working on himself in therapy is another way to prove the love he had for her was real. Only Katie knows the inner conflict she's been facing. If she truly loved Blake, resolving her conflict with Greg will help her and Blake in the long run - otherwise their relationship will be haunted by the past. If life with Greg was always her true heart's desire, love will find a way even in the most impossible circumstances.

It really is not fair to compare real human beings to fictional characters - especially the exceptionally (maybe unrealistically) strong characters written by Jane Austen. I am just sharing my thoughts before I watch the 2005 Pride and Prejudice movie for the hundredth time. I just want the satisfying ending I could not get from watching reality TV before I move on to my next obsession.

#The Bachelorette Season 17 #The Bachelorette #The Bachelor #Greg Grippo #Katie Thurston #katie x greg #lizzie x darcy #Bachelor Nation #ships in the night #hyperfixation

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highqueenofelfhame · 5 years

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I hire you to be the stripper at my friend’s bachelor/ette party and you’re the T.A. for my favourite class + I DON’T EVEN KNOW, ROWAELIN OR NESSIAN

Nesta wished she’d been surprised when she was ambushed by the stripper at her bachelorette party. She wished she’d been surprised by her drunk sisters cackling in the corner of the living room of her little apartment at the shocked horror that was written across her face. The thing that she wished wasn’t the surprise? The fact that it was the TA she hated - who flirted with her relentlessly - that stood before her with a trenchcoat pooled at his feet wearing nothing more than tiny sequin shorts, a bow tie, and suspenders over his too-shiny and too-muscular torso.

“What the hell are you doing here?” She finally forced out, unable to tell if the color and drained from her face or flooded it. It was taking too much effort for her to keep her eyes on his face, the light catching the sequins and trying to coax her gaze lower than she was willing to allow.

“I was hired,” Cassian drawled, his thumbs hooking beneath his suspenders and snapping them against his chest. Nesta started at the sound, clenching her jaw as she reached for his wrist and tugged him toward her bedroom. Behind her, Feyre and Elain were trying to wolf whistle and cheer, only for their efforts to dissolve into more drunken giggles. She was going to kill them for this.

A slow smirk was working its way across Cassian’s lips as the door slammed shut behind them. Nesta’s arms folded over her chest as she glared up at him with a set jaw that feathered behind her ear. He took a step closer to her, extending one hand to rest on the door behind her head. Nesta instantly regretted the way she was unable to stop herself from her eyes dropping down the length of his body. Cassian didn’t miss a beat.

“I bet you’ve been wondering what I looked like under all those clothes. I bet you’ll be thinking about me dropping that trenchcoat for you while you coax yourself to sleep tonight.”

“Cassian —“

“Your mind will drift to me while you fuck —“ In an effort to shut him up and indulge herself in kissing Cassian once and only once, she grabbed his face and pulled his lips down to hers.

It turned out that kissing Cassian felt a lot like having a heart attack. Her chest and heart squeezed, all air leaving her body as she sighed into his mouth and tangled her fingers into his hair. Cassian seemed just as surprised by the kiss as Nesta, but didn’t hesitate in gripping her by her thighs and lifting her to pin her to the door. Soon his mouth was descending on her neck and she was gasping in surprise, in pleasure, in suspense. Sweat was beading up over her face and chest and she felt completely and utterly dizzy and lost.

Kissing Cassian revived her from the inside out. She never wanted to stop.

Especially not when his fingers slipped up her dress and into her panties. Nesta let out a desperate sort of whine and dropped her back against the door. Cassian’s lips remained on the curve of her neck, his teeth grazing as he swirled his tongue over the spot and sucked. There would be a mark, Nesta knew, and thinking about it on display for everyone to see drove her insane. Cassian was marking her as his, and as much as he got under her skin it was all she wanted to be.

With his fingers teasing her knot, she found herself arching her body against him and pressing her breasts up and closer to his mouth. Beneath thick lashes he looked at her, tugging the low ‘v’ of her dress to the side and taking her peaked breast into his mouth. As his teeth grazed her nipple, as he sucked and flicked his tongue against her, Nesta was a gasping and moaning mess.

He was only using his fingers.

“More, Cassian, please,” she breathed, tugging on the ends of his hair to make him look at her. Their mouths collided once again and he slipped his fingers between her folds to wet them before he pushed two inside her at once. She gasped against his lips, forcing her hips down against his hand and biting down on his lip. The faster and harder that he pumped his fingers, the louder she moaned, the more breathless she got.

Being with Tomas had never been like this. Being with Tomas was never fun, it never felt good like this. Cassian was everything she wanted, everything she needed, and the last thing on her mind was the small diamond on her left ring finger. All that she could think about was the man that was claiming her as his with his hands and teeth and tongue.

“Fuck,” Nesta hissed, her nails digging roughly into his shoulders. Hard enough that she was sure that there would be bruising, there would be little cescents imprinted in his skin for the next hour and it was all she could think about as she crashed over the edge. It felt like nothing she’d experienced before. Her heart was racing and pounding so hard that she was sure he could hear the stampede in his chest. Nesta’s skin was so sticky with sweat that she wasn’t sure where hers stopped and his began, she wasn’t sure what moisture on her thighs was sweat or the physical signs of how bad she needed him. “More. Please, I need you inside me.”

Cassian slowly let Nesta’s body slide down until her feet touched the floor. Slowly, he brought his fingers to his mouth and sucked her juices from them, licking his fingers until they were completely clean. He kissed her then, the taste of her fresh on his tongue. It was overwhelming to want someone so badly that you would surely combust.

“Call me when you cancel your wedding,” he murmured low in her ear. Cassian pressed a tinder kiss just below her ear before pulling open the door and leaving Nesta standing in the dimly lit bedroom, to contemplate her entire future.

~*~

It was early. Entirely too early for his phone to be ringing. Entirely too early for anyone to need anything from him, but he answered anyway, groaning a gruff ‘hello’ into the receiver.

“Hey.” To say that her voice surprised him was an understatement. He hadn’t expected to hear from Nesta Archeron ever again after what had happened the night before. She had spent so much time ignoring their chemistry, so much time focusing on other inferior men that any spark between them she had run from like it was the plague.

Up until last night she wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole.

“I told you to call me when -”

“I know what you said,” she interrupted, an annoyed sigh falling from her perfect, wicked mouth. Cassian popped up on one elbow, unable to believe what she might have been telling him. “I… I want to see you.”

In her voice, he heard a small smile and he could imagine her laying in bed with loose curls splayed across her pillow. He could imagine her picking at the fabric of her blanket while she nervously offered herself to him. Even worse, he could imagine her crawling on top of him and slowly unbuttoning the sleep shirt she was wearing .

“You know my rules.”

“Are you dense? You said to call when I called it off. And I’m calling. Gods above, nevermind. This was stupid, I -”

“Do you want me to come over?” For a moment, she was silent. For a moment he heard nothing but the fabric of her blankets shifting as she moved in her bed, heard nothing but the sound of her breathing as she thought.

“Please.”

#this sucks but #whatever #these are just quick lil drabbles #this should have been better but idk whatever #i'm sorry #nessian #cassian #nesta cooper #nesta archeron #cassian x nesta #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas

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valeriemperez · 7 years

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It definitely seems like nuptials will bring everyone together in the crossover, but I'm curious as to how they'll stretch the events of a single wedding ceremony over multiple episodes esp if it starts on Super.Girl and then continues into Arr*w, Fl@sh, then LoT.

I don’t think it’ll be a single ceremony. I think people will come together, be interrupted, then it’s fight time, then they have a wedding anyway, then more fight time. Or they could start with a bachelor/ette party, haha. Either way, it won’t all be over the course of one evening.

We still don’t technically know if CP didn’t or isn’t going. That definitely isn’t the full list of guests and the year CP went wasn’t she nominated but still went anyway, she didn’t even present. I’m trying to be optimistic lol

Candice actually was nominated the year she went, for chemistry, liplock and breakout star. But there is still hope, yes.

Whether MB does or doesn’t win, I never thought the TCAs were legit in any way. A lot of us voted for CP to shut these people up. And boy, did it feel good for a while. LOL!

This is true, haha. I think we did really well!

Do you or your Anons know where the list of the TCAs attendees are? I keep googling it but I don’t see the full list that apparently GG and MB appear on. Do you know where it is?

There is no full list, just a tweet from TCA with some of the guests. You can find it here.

damnit. greg berlanti just made a cryptic comment that pushes the whole “double wedding” idea again. please don’t do this, shows! it just seems so cheesy and having two couples get married at the same time DOES take the focus off either one of them as its own thing, doesn’t it?

He even said there is more than one life event, so I still don’t think it’s a double wedding. For example: Barry and Iris get married, Lyla gives birth to Sara Diggle 2.0, Stein dies (THIS ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN, I MADE IT UP), Mon-El proposes (THIS WILL HAPPEN EVEN LESS), etc.

Greg Berlanti said that the crossover involves “a big life event for a few different people”, which again sounds like a wedding to me. He also said that there are multiple “life events” that will happen. Maybe someone proposes? Someone gets pregnant? Linda comes back to the show?

Linda coming back would truly be a life event!

While I’m still not ecstatic about a WA wedding happening during the crossover because Iris usually gets shafted, it could actually work if the writers keep up with her being the leader of TF even after Barry’s return. If she’s leading them then they would already have a reason for her to be in the middle of everything both before and after the wedding. Of course knowing these writers they would just ignore all that and do what they always do, but if that is taken into account it could work.

I hope they lean more towards our highest hopes than our deepest fears.

#the flash #anonymous #tatiana's thoughts #more asks under the cut #crossover wedding for ts

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emilyplaysotome · 7 years

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Part 37 - The Bachelorette

Down the Voltage Rabbit Hole is an ongoing story about our MC, who could easily be anyone in voltage fandom. She woke up in hospital bed only to discover that she’d somehow been transported Voltage universe.

This story is ongoing, so if you missed a part, or are new to the story, please use the link to the masterpost below to catch yourself up:

https://tinyurl.com/k4rrxna

Part 37 - The Bachelorette

I am not, nor have I ever been a religious person.

It’s fair to say that I am one of those people who would classify myself as “spiritual” in the sense that I like the idea of reincarnation better than heaven and hell, which has always felt so binary to me.

I believe in the fact that we, as human beings, are limited in our understanding of the world around us. I have always considered myself to be agnostic, and I believe if God, or some higher power does in fact exist, he/she probably isn’t as petty as the God I learned about as a child in the bible stories that come to mind.

With that said, this particular God who ruled all over the heavens as king, appeared to be as petty as the God from the old testament.

“My poor little Zyglavis,” he said with an amused smile that I didn’t trust for a second, “Oh well! I suppose the events to come will provide me with great entertainment...and that’s really all I can ask of someone as insignificant as yourself.”

It was clear that this God was an omnipotent, all powerful shit-stirrer, and being aware of that fact I thought it unwise to rock the boat any more than I already had. I simply bowed my head in response, as I tried to formulate the best way to provoke him into giving me answers to all the questions that I was currently kicking around in my head.

When I found myself unable to find the right words, I found myself muttering an, “Um,” which turned out to be just as successful in inciting the king to engage with me further.

“Yes? Speak up human.”

“Your highness...you said I had a week. What do you mean by that?”

“The tome Huedhaut found - the door. I’ll be sure to give you a personal send off then.”

“But why in a week, why not just send me back now?”

“Because where would the fun in that be? The second I heard your thoughts to take someone home with you, I felt compelled to intervene. Giving you a deadline will only serve to make it a more enjoyable viewing for me.”

I had to chuckle at that - the king of the heavens was far more of a troublemaker than I ever anticipated.

It was clear that intervention was not quite what he was after, and it would be more accurate to say that he wanted to shake things up and then bask in the afterglow. What he craved was obviously reality-tv style entertainment at the hands of a few Goldfish and one of his most trusted ministers.

Not wanting to let him down, and seeing as how I have always been a fan of reality shows, I decided to take the bait and appeal to his desire for what I would consider to be good, trashy television.

“I’ll make a deal with you,” I said, fully aware of how brazen I was being towards a creature who could smite me with the snap of his fingers.

“A deal with me?”

The king of the Gods’ smile hid something darker, but I didn’t let that scare me. I was in the home stretch so to speak, and I was determined to win the otome game that I’d been playing these past few weeks.

“I get three overnight dates. One with each guy. At the end of the week I choose one of them to return home with me and you see to it that he’s able to do so...even if that means losing one of your ministers.”

“Oh-ho!”

It was suddenly clear where Leon had picked up that small quirk of his, and the King, visibly amused cocked his head to the side.

The idea of three overnight dates with three men, resulting in one winner evidently intrigued the king, as I figured it would. After all, the Bachelorette had built its entire franchise on this concept, and had managed to keep itself alive and booming for over a decade after it first premiered on television.

If that format was good enough for millions of Americans I had to figure it’d be just as good for a God who loved a little drama.

“You know it’s forbidden for a Goldfish to lay with a God, do you not?”

“I do. But part of my deal with you, is that you allow it - you give us your blessing.”

“And what am I getting in return?”

“Entertainment. Each night this week you’ll be able to tune in and see what happens. Don’t you want to see if I’ll be able to seduce a man as steadfast as Zyglavis? Isn’t that why you were encouraging me to try moments ago? You want to test him. You want to know if his loyalty towards you can be swayed. But if it can...I get him. Do we have a deal?”

“We do.”

The king of the heavens seemed delighted at the prospect of watching me as the Bachelorette, and with a far off look in his eyes, muttered something to himself about being able to part with anyone other than his beloved Scorpio. Upon hearing that I wondered if Scorpio and the king might be lovers (considering his clear attachment), but seeing as how it was none of my business, and not wanting to engage the king further, I bowed once more and began to exit the bath.

“Goldfish.”

I paused, worried that the king might throw another curveball my way and timidly turned back to face him.

“Choose wisely. Good luck.”

With the snap of his fingers he was gone, and my time as the Bachelorette was just now beginning.

I’d watched a fair amount of reality tv in my day and knew full well what I was going to get myself into with these overnight dates.

For once, the speed at which feelings grew between people in this world seemed to be beneficial, and I pondered how, on my overnight dates in a fantasy suite, I could accurately gauge the interest of “forever” with a man who I’d only known for a short amount of time.

On the show, The Bachelor(ette) they kept things vague in terms of how far things progressed sexually between the contestants, but knowing that I was going to be headed home in only a week made me certain insofar as how I wanted to handle things.

I’m sure there will be many who would judge me for this, but I knew that I’d need to sleep with all of them (unless something happened on the date that prompted me to change my mind), in order to properly evaluate our sexual chemistry, along with our long term potential.

Back in Zyglavis’ room, I changed into my pajamas (not quite ready for bed) and sat at Operation GTFO HQ with my slice of cake and laptop.

I had planned on starting to write lyrics for Revance, but with a new project fresh in my mind, I decided to focus on planning my last week in this world. Having been familiar with the king of the Heavens from the game back home, I knew him to be a trickster, who often set up situations for his own amusement.

Even though he’d told me that he would send me home personally, I considered the fact that he might not be telling me the truth. He was the type of God who often did what would amuse him most, and if that involved me being stuck in this world, it was obvious that he’d have no qualms as far as backing out of our deal.

For the time being, I would stay committed to reclaiming my independence while going on my Bachelorette style dates.

If the king were to back out of his promise to send me home, I hoped that Huedhaut and the other Gods might be able to get me back under the assumption that I returned to my old self and shook off the characteristics that kept me stuck in otome-ville.

With all this in mind, I did what I did best and put together a tentative plan for the week to come.

Tomorrow (or today, seeing as how it was 2:30 A.M.), I would go to Ryo’s cafe and whip up Revance’s lyrics for them.

Once they were approved, I would ask the band to wire me payment for the songs which would hopefully cover a shopping spree on Sunday. Like any notable Bachelorette, I was going to need a fabulous wardrobe for my upcoming dates.

The king of the Heavens was unfamiliar with the production value associated with a show like the Bachelorette, and in order to curry his favor I wanted to deliver. This meant using the money from Revance on gowns, hair and makeup, in addition to planning extravagant dates designed to create a real life fairy tale experience.

Once I secured the funds needed to bankroll a week of luxury and glamor, I would coordinate the first (and what may very well be the last) meeting of my restaurant club for Sunday night, knowing that Sakiko, Chisato, and the Conte MC would most likely be available. With a girls only friend date on the horizon, I then would assert my independence using the rest of Saturday as a day to bide my (alone) time by attempting to stretch my new fun-loving, free-spirited muscles.

I would have a “Treat Yourself” evening.

I’d see a movie, go to a park, or maybe even try my hand at creative writing or read a book...anything that made me feel good. In this bizarro version of Tokyo there were plenty of things to see and do, and while most of the settings had been used as date backdrops, I was going to check them out myself.

With my Saturday now planned, I shifted my focus to what needed to be done on the following day.

On Sunday, I’d spend the morning and afternoon shopping with the money from Revance. Next, I’d need to book three different fancy hotels for my overnight dates - Tuesday/Wednesday, Wednesday/Thursday, and Thursday/Friday.

I knew the schedule was aggressive, and that there was a nonzero chance I would be able to get all three men to agree, but I’d promised the king a show and I was determined to give him one.

It made the most sense to try and schedule Jin on Tuesday/Wednesday, seeing as how we’d just had a great date together and it would be easy enough to tell him that I couldn’t get him out of my head and wanted to see him again. He’d offered to take me out even if I was leaving Tokyo, so morally and ethically I didn’t feel bad on taking him up on that.

I figured having an overnight date with Shun during the Wednesday/Thursday time slot would be too aggressive (seeing as how I’d accepted his job offer and he was now my new boss), and planned to go out with him last, using our time at work together in order to line that up in the most natural way possible.

This meant that Zyglavis got my time Wednesday/Thursday, and I felt myself smiling with anticipation as I pictured what a date with him would look like.

Unlike the other two men on my roster, Zyglavis was the most reserved. It was apparent that both Shun and Namba would have no qualms spending the night with me, but Zyglavis...he was a different story.

On that note, sexual chemistry in a relationship is something that has always been important to me, and while I knew that most of these nights would be awkward and chock full of navigating each other’s likes and dislikes, I hoped to walk away with a real understanding of how each man was in bed.

Was he communicative? Giving? Selfish? Tender? Rough?

I wanted to know before I could make my final choice, and I worried that convincing Zyglavis to break the rule of the heavens and lay with a Goldfish (despite the king’s blessing), might be an impossible task.

I sighed, alone in the empty room as I finished the last bite of my gateau slice, picturing Zyglavis somewhere in the heavens completely in the dark as to the fact the King had paid me a personal visit.

It was obvious to me that he was the frontrunner in my heart, but that did not necessarily mean that he would be the best choice for my life back home.

With such a short amount of time left, I’d need to really separate the fantasy of each man from the reality of what life with them would look like back in New York. Strong feelings and passion only go so far, and the most successful relationships are often between two people who share a deep mutual respect and friendship that results in an ability for them to grow as individuals, together.

On paper, Shun seemed to be the best fit for me.

We worked in similar fields and I knew that he’d be able to easily find employment in New York. He was a cosmopolitan man who enjoyed the finer things in life, so living in New York City would suit him quite nicely. I could see him being a great plus one with my inner circle, charming them with his looks and manners, while also being able to hold his own in our conversations.

With this said, I needed to know if he was capable of being more than a charming, pretty face.

I worried he might be too much of a playboy for my tastes. I had little to no time to convince him to remove his mask for me, but I knew that before I could commit to him I would need to see who he was underneath his slick, creative director facade.

I knew that I wanted someone who was kind and caring, and who, when things would get tough as they inevitably did in life, wouldn’t cut and run to something that seemed “easier”.

Whereas Shun struck me as someone who preferred ease in his relationships, I knew that Namba could handle a rocky road from time to time. In the short amount of time we’d spent together, I was certain that he possessed the ability to be there for me in the way I wanted someone to be.

The problem with him was his lifestyle.

He’d told me himself that he’d been in the force for half of his life. He’d worked impossibly hard to move his way up to the high ranking position he was currently in and I couldn’t see him giving all that up in an attempt to join the NYPD or something similar back home.

I knew how close he was with his team and I worried that taking him home with me would force him into a world in which he was isolated and miserable. A scene of living with him in my studio apartment flashed through my mind, except this time he was depressed, smoking out a crack in the window while complaining about how gross and deplorable the city I lived in was.

Crime in New York City was so drastically different than crime in bizarro Toyko. Would he be able to handle terrorism? Murder? Sexual Assault?

Or would the cruel world I came from destroy his optimism for life, and slowly beat him down day after day.

Finally, there was Zyglavis who would be trading in his unlimited cosmic powers for an itty bitty living space (literally speaking seeing as how I live in a small New York City studio apartment).

He was the biggest wildcard of the group, and I had to think it was unlikely that should he be the one to join me he’d be able to keep his powers or immortality. With that in mind, could I even ask him to step foot through the door knowing that committing to me meant he’d be stripped of everything he found familiar.

Furthermore, if he were to agree to do so, then what?

Zyglavis hadn’t worked a day in his life in the human realm. Would he be able to happily acclimate to his new life as a Goldfsih? Or would he lose patience with things and grow to resent me for dragging him along with me?

These questions weren’t going to get answered tonight, and with my eyelids growing heavy I decided to pick my planning back up tomorrow.

I closed my laptop, hiding all traces of my upcoming plan should Zyglavis return prematurely and got under the covers, snuggling up to the pillow he’d laid on the day we’d almost kissed. It still smelled faintly of his hair and the lavender smell from the baths, and I hugged it tightly, quietly wishing that I'd see him sooner than I expected.

With the room pitch black, I found myself drifting off into a peaceful slumber.

That night, I had two dreams that felt more like a vision, and less like a mishmash of my subconscious trying to process the day.

Both scenes took place in the King’s throne room, and I watched as the same conversation played out in two different ways.

In the dream, Zyglavis was in his true form, which I had yet to see in real life. He was more beautiful than I could even attempt to describe, and in both scenarios I stood off to the side, as if I were an invisible bystander.

In the first scenario, the King had been the first to speak.

“Zyglavis, I have paid your Goldfish a visit.”

Zyglavis blushed fiercely, breaking eye contact with the King and said, “It would be inaccurate to describe Ami as ‘my’ Goldfish, but with that aside, why have you done so if I may inquire?”

“She and I have come to an understanding. She will be allowed to take a man from this world home with her, should he give his consent, and you are in the running.”

“Me?”

The king chuckled, seeing through Zyglavis’ feigned surprise.

“Yes. She even went so far as to demand my blessing...which I gave her. You should feel free to have your way with her.”

Zyglavis blushed furiously, unable to mutter anything other than, “Yes, your highness” as he stared down at his feet.

“But hear this - should you chose to go with her you will no longer be a Minister of Punishments. Scorpio will succeed you, and though you will be able to return to this realm once the mortal dies, you will be unable to return to the high position you currently hold. Gods will no doubt talk, and it could be entirely possible that upon your return you will be considered the disgraced God of Libra by your peers.”

“I see.”

“However, note this. True love is something that alludes both men and Gods in their lifetime. Many will go through this life never knowing what it is to experience something so priceless. If this is in fact love, you would be foolish to turn your back on it. Consider these words.”

“Yes your highness.”

With that, the king smirked and dismissed Zyglavis. He started to leave and then paused. Sensing his unease the king addressed him once more.

“What is it?”

“These...other men. Who are they?”

The king chuckled, clearly tickled to see his stoic minister showing signs of petty jealousy.

“Zyglavis. Fear not. You are a God. And a man is no match for a God.”

Zyglavis gave the king a small nod, and with that he exited.

The king turned towards me, and breaking the fourth wall smiled, as he snapped his fingers.

A bright light flashed before my eyes and I saw the two together once more. In this second scene, Zyglavis was the first to speak.

“Your highness, you wanted to speak with me?”

“Yes, Zyglavis. As you know, I have paid the Goldfish a visit.”

“How did it go?”

“Swimmingly,” the king said, laughing at his own bad joke, “I have given you both my blessing. You should not feel as if you have to hold anything back.”

Zyglavis smirked, “I don’t think that will be necessary. Taking advantage of a woman’s affection is not my style.”

To that, an angry look flashed through the king’s face.

“Zyglavis - you will put aside how you normally proceed to ensure that she picks you. I cannot have her taking anyone from this world home to hers.”

Zygavis’ expression became stoic and obedient, “Yes, your highness.”

“My trusted Minister. I knew I could count on you.”

“You honor me your majesty.”

The king smiled, and then as if something unpleasant crossed his mind he became serious and asked, “Tell me, do you feel badly at all for the Goldfish?”

“A little, but it is for the greater good - the logical way to proceed. I look forward to the time when I can return to serving you and the Department of Punishments once more.”

“Very good. You are dismissed.”

With his head held high, Zyglavis coolly turned and exited the room. Just as he had in the first scenario, the king broke the fourth wall and with a harsh look, addressed me directly.

“One is true, one is false. Which one? That I cannot say…Choose wisely Naomi.”

He snapped his fingers, and I jolted awake, covered in sweat and breathing heavily.

Daylight streamed in through the windows, and I checked the time to see it was 10 in the morning.

I put a hand over my racing heart, reminding myself that it had just been a dream. However, as quickly as that thought crossed my mind, I turned to see something on the nightstand that hadn’t been there before.

Almost as if he wanted to hammer the point home, I picked up the card which had my name, my real name, on the envelope.

It read:

Not a dream Naomi - One true. One false. Choose wisely or go home alone.

I sighed aloud, realizing how difficult my last week was going to be. Now that the king of the heavens was involved, I had opened myself up to unforeseen challenges, no doubt in the interest of making things more interesting for him.

I had been the one who was foolish enough to suggest a “Bachelorette” style competition in order to secure who would accompany me home, and like any good reality producer the king had merely stirred the pot.

To be continued…in Part 38

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junker-town · 6 years

Text

‘The Bachelorette’ Week 5: Camel rides, song writing and a 2-on-1, oh my!

The greatest thing to grace reality TV took place on The Bachelorette this week. THE TWO-ON-ONE!

We are five weeks into this season of The Bachelorette, and it’s refreshing to have this kind of SPORTS and the World Cup to help us cope with the late June sports deficiency.

In case you missed last week’s Bachelorette action, you can catch up here with the recap.

VEGAS BABY! Becca and the fellas wandered through the desert of Nevada in search of love this week, as the entire posse traded the picturesque vistas of Utah for the glitz and glamour of the Strip.

The guys rolled through the lobby of the Aria shouting “LET’S GOOOO!” and “VEGAS BABY” as if all of their Las Vegas knowledge was curated through repeated viewings of The Hangover. It wasn’t aired, but there is no doubt in my mind that one of the guys referred to himself as a one man wolf pack at some point.

Through the first three-and-a-half minutes of the episode, they worked in FOUR gambling puns, and I’m 100 percent here for this.

“Let’s roll the dice on love!”

“Love is full of taking risks and gambling.”

“Let’s take a gamble!”

“I put my Vegas odds of a one-on-one at +125.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH COLTON:

Our lovable diet Brawny paper towel man Colton got the first one-on-one date of the week and met Becca at a Camel Safari outside of the Strip because they’re going to “get over the humps of their past relationships.” Get it? Get it? Gahhhh.

I don’t know if you have ever ridden a camel or been around them, but they aren’t the most romantic animals (that’s the penguin, duh...they’re in little tuxedos) and frankly they stink. It’s a little rough for a date as the two camels don’t walk at the same speed and it makes conversation impossible.

ABC

After a steamy — both in action and actual temperature — make out session in a hot tub (yes, in the desert) Becca told Colton they were on the same page.

A hot tub in the desert sounds legitimately like my nightmare, but I start sweating as soon as the temperature hits 70 degrees, so maybe I’m not the best judge.

Becca showed interest in Colton, but also said, “My chemistry with Colton is good. I like this. I like him. A lot.” That seems like a good sign for our cherub-faced adult son.

During dinner on the second portion of their date, Colton told a story about his last relationship and how love is hard and all that normal dinner-date conversation, but the real thing I want to talk about is their post-dinner, post-rose ride through the Strip.

Colton and Becca take to the top of an open air bus as they cruise among the lights and sounds of Las Vegas. Maybe I’ve seen Con Air too many times (lol, jk that’s impossible), but I was horribly concerned about their safety standing up and going under these bridges:

Bright light city’s gonna set my soul, it’s gonna set my soul on fire! #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/vJaJK1VNN9

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 26, 2018

I just want to see the paperwork that had to be submitted for them to be nonchalantly making out on top of a moving vehicle. Seems dangerous.

GROUP DATE, DAY:

Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris were called for the group date, and the men quickly did the math to realize that meant one thing...a two-on-one with Jordan and mortal enemy David the Chicken.

DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHHHH.

Two-on-ones are both the most awkward and most amazing things in Bachelor/ette history, but more on that later.

The guys pile in a limo for “the total Vegas experience,” while Garrett wonders if it will be a Chippendales situation. Heartbreakingly, it’s not, and the gentlemen pull up at an estate where Becca meets them at the end of a long driveway.

First of all, guys, what is happening here:

ABC

At first, I was distracted by Connor’s jeggings on the far left, wondering how he got his thicc thighs in those things. Then, I saw Wills in the romp-him and oh my god. That’s a bold choice, my man.

Becca announces that they’ll be spending time with WAYNE F**KING NEWTON, and right on cue, Wayne Newton rolls up in a big mood.

ABC

The guys are tasked with re-writing Wayne’s song Danke Schoen, which is the literal worst date imaginable. It did give us this image of Wayne singing AT his wife:

ABC

After a painful montage that involves Wayne checking in with everyone’s terrible progress, we find out that the guys are not only writing shitty Danke Schoen knockoffs, but they’re going to have to perform their shitty Danke Schoen knockoffs in front of a live, human crowd. I just have no patience for this type of group date. Why are you making them write songs? Why are you making them sing? Why are you making a room full of innocent people listen to this? Why do we have to listen to this?

Becca seemed to enjoy the disaster that was nine men yell-singing as Newton watched his legacy go up in flames before his eyes, so at least someone was getting something out of that. Venmo John is adorable though and he’s the best.

There were no winners. We are all losers in this situation.

GROUP DATE, NIGHT:

The group moved the date to T-Mobile Arena, home of the 2018 Stanley Cup runner-up Las Vegas Knights (sports!). Garrett and Becca hung out in a suite as they overlooked the ice in an arena that was as empty as the Knights’ trophy case because, LET’S GO CAPS.

ABC

Ok, sorry, moving on.

One week after Becca (rightfully) freaked out after Jean Blanc dropped the way-too-early “I’m falling in love with you”, Blake tells her the same and it leads to him receiving the rose from the group date.

This leaves Chris in the lurch as he came into the date feeling waaaayyyy too confident in his crappy performance of Danke Schoen. He got absolutely zero one-on-one time and started the threats of saying he was just going to take his ball and go home because the pretty lady didn’t talk to him.

OK, Chris. You do that.

TWO-ON-ONE WITH JORDAN AND DAVID:

The two-on-one is the greatest thing in reality TV, pitting two known enemies — who the producers have built up for weeks against each other — in a dramatic location. There have been some legendary two-on-ones in Bachelor TV history, including Bachelor Ben taking a set of twins on a date (yes, seriously) and then leaving Olivia alone on an island just a couple weeks later.

Becca takes Jordan and David to the Valley of Fire and tells them just to relax and have fun. Haha OK, sure, Becca. I admire that she thinks they’re going to have a lovely fun time on their awkward date from hell. That kind of optimism is to be admired. Jordan immediately gets the upper hand as he yells “shotty” after Becca said she was taking the wheel: point, Jordan.

That was a power move, and my dude Jordan knows it:

ABC

David gets the first alone time of the date, and he spends all of it trashing Jordan. This goes against everything you learn in Bachelorette 101. Never talk about the other person. Talk about your relationship. Even if the nonsense he’s blathering about is true, you just come off as whiny and a snitch, and we all know what happens to snitches. Point, Jordan.

Jordan explains that he did NOT say that he thought getting with Becca was settling and OMG, blah blah blah. He opens up for the first time ever this season as he talked about his mother who battles mental illness. Point, Jordan.

The two yell at each other while David sat on a four poster bed in the desert, once again giving Jordan the upper hand. Honestly, though, this looks like the most comfy way to be told you lack your own personality.

ABC

Becca drops the hammer, thankfully, saying that she feels like this is sixth grade all over again with the pettiness and bickering. She mercifully dumps David, leaving him in the desert to think about what he’s done.

Look, Jordan is a doofus; but David is worse. Neither one of these guys are going to win this thing, but at least with Jordan we know what he is.

On their one-on-one dinner date, Jordan spends a lot of time talking about Jordan, which is clearly his favorite topic. Becca ends up telling him that despite him being super fun, it’s just not going to happen, so she parts way with our beautiful model quote machine.

Becca enjoys some solo fireworks as the rest of the men watch from the suite, assuming Jordan was staying. Then, this happens:

ABC

I would like this job. She took an elevator up to the mens’ suite, grabs a suitcase dramatically, and then a room full of men cheered. This seems like a great gig. Chris Harrison, call me. Ya girl is GREAT at dramatic suitcase grabbing.

THE COCKTAIL PARTY:

Bad news for Chris, now that Jordan and David have left, he has been exposed as the new guy in the house to hate. His insecurities turn to bravado, which is the most annoying outlet you can use. Turns out, Becca was surprised Chris didn’t take the initiative to come find her and make time, and Chris is annoyed because Becca didn’t single him out for some solo time. Meanwhile, I’m irritated that this conversation is still going on.

Becca is understandably annoyed that Chris’ immediate reaction to not getting time was to loudly proclaim “whatever, bro, I’ll just go home now.” Chris tries to take the initiative this time around, and she is promptly shot down by Becca who says that she had juuuust sat down with Wills.

Chris somehow manages to make the rest of the evening miserable for everyone involved as he is either trying to walk back everything he had said to Becca or talking over the other guys or just generally complaining loudly. I miss Jordan already.

During the Rose Ceremony, Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo, Connor, and Chris get roses, leading to me audibly swearing as Venmo John is sent home in order to keep whiny Chris.

Farewell, my sweet app-creating prince. I shall think of you fondly when I send someone $9 for covering my margarita at happy hour.

Becca tells the remaining eight guys they’re heading to VIRGINIA next. Wills is stoked...

ABC

THE WEEK’S BEST JORDAN QUOTES (RIP to this section):

“Love is the greatest power on Earth. Being me is my greatest power...being you isn’t your greatest power. That’s why you gotta talk about me.”

“You lack your own personality.”

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get buried in the f**king desert.”

“You’re worse than Arie.”

GONE TOO SOON:

David the Chicken

Jordan

VENMO JOHN. NOOOO WHY?!

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