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natty-anne · 4 years

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September 22, 2020

Scene: the Livingroom/bedroom of my tiny one bedroom apartment

Mood: it’s been a very good Titty Tuesday (My day off, I spent the whole day naked in my robe, laying around, screwing around, chilling)

Daughter just finished her bath. She’s currently munching on her own made up trail mix. Kyle is watching this new show on Netflix, it’s a Bar-B-Q making competition. IDK, I’m like half paying attention as I’m sitting here, typing this up as it happens, and I’m currently listening to Michelle Obama’s podcast on Spotify, as this is all going on.

“Trail mix kissy!” -Zoey as she takes a big spoonful of her Macgyvered trail mix, and than kisses me on my cheek.

It has been a very long, but good day off. Got to enjoy it for once. Plus, the weather is amazing outside right now!!! It’s really breezy and cool. You can definitely feel Spoopy season is right around the corner with it’s wonderful Fall weather. That’s if Florida will actually allow it to get cool and cold and/or chilly this year. 2020 has been a rollercoaster of a year so who really knows how mother nature and the climate are gonna play out with the last 3 months. -shrugs- either way just another day, still here, in Florida. -sigh-

Life updating since I’m bit of a ghost these days, new partner, new mentality when it comes to life and people. It’s pretty nice. And it’s pretty nice to have an actual partner for once, not just a dude clearly just trying to fuck me cause I’m a pretty face and I’m gullible cause I want to be loved. -rolls eyes- men really do fucking suck, but whatever, I’m happy now. (:

“Smoked corn and crab chowder!”

OMG, I’m loving this show right now! Kyle is in the process of making dinner.

You know my mind, especially when I take it to another level of reality, tends to jump all over the place, among my jumble of a brain of thoughts, ideas, opinions, suggestions, memories, fears and favs.

Time stamp: 10:12pm, we are now eating dinner. Family time is everything, especially when your child is dancing like a ballerina, making suggestions of who will be voted off the competition, as well as telling Kyle “I give this meal two thumbs way up!” while holding her two actual thumbs high up in the air and shouting with excitement as she shovels the food into her mouth. haha. My kid is the best I honestly can say, and it’s a flipping miracle, cause there are days no lie where I feel like a pretty shit parent. If ya’ll really knew. -sigh- But that’s talk for another time if I even feel like talking about things. ;)

*Side note to remember cause Zoey just said it to me: next chance I can get ahold of Hatchimals, they gotta be Hatchimal Pixies...oh dear lord, love her, she’s so spoiled, LOL

10:23pm: god damn this podcast is awesome. Zoey will be finishing up soon, brushing her teeth, and heading to bed. Then I shall be diving into the realm of H.P. Lovecraft inspired world of the splendid world of Cthulhu. -squees giddily- Ya’ll don’t even knowwww!!!! “Maple bacon cupcakes!” OMG, you guys I’m dying over here with this show I swear!

Mind rant jump moment: I’m trying to figure out how to end this post, cause I want to update ya’ll but now it’s like I actually don’t have the time and IDK why I’m even trying to type this post up when I gotta go now and deal with Zoey real quick. lol Life of a mom. I’m not a single parent anymore...but sometimes I still feel alone. But it’s not Kyle’s fault! My mind....my mind, does this thing, and it affects my body, which affects my mood, which comes full circle back to my mind and I just want to be left alone, in some place quiet. You know??? Hell I don’t even know if anyone can truly relate to me... :/

11:17pm, we can’t seem to find kitty. I guess I need to step away and assist with this, otherwise there will be no sleeping of the Zoey till she is located. -sigh- Being the parent of a 5 year old but has a strong personality of a preteen/adult has it’s trials and tribulations. She blows my mind every day with something new...she also annoys the shit out of me constantly, but I keep myself calm, cool and collected and I deal with each of her little moments in a calm, we are equals and you will understand me and know that I am mother and what I say goes and you need to listen to me, be quiet, behave and do what is needed to be done. Like virtual schooling or cleaning up after herself when her room has been hit by another toy filled hurricane. lol

11:39pm : apparently Zoey and kitty were playing hide and seek and kitty is just really good at hiding. Zoey refused to locate her plushie and continued to pretend to run around panicking like the cat is real and is really missing even though she is clearly some where in the room. -annoyed sigh- My child folks. I annoyingly tell her oh well guess you gotta go to bed with out kitty. She proceeds to cry, I turn the light out and tuck her in and leave the room. Good night you little rascal.

11:44 : it’s my time now!

I’ve paused Michelle for right now, I’m mentally exhausted due to the going ons that just occurred. My daughter can be rather exhausting to deal with lately, thanks to all things going on. I want to put her in brick and mortar schooling but I’m too fucking afraid of her catching COVID. She’s safer at home with me and Kyle! Idgaf what you have to say or think about that choice so keep on walking if you need to Felicia, cause at least my child is safe from all the bullshit and dumbasses of society.

Wow, this turned into a longer post than I was expecting to actually post here. It’s been a while since I’ve really talked, talked on here and IDEK if anyone is even truly following me anymore let alone would see this. LOL. It’s all good, this is my blog after all, and it is out there in the internets to be discovered however it is discovered. I’m pretty sure Kyle is surprised I have spent this much time glued to my computer, typing this all up. It is a little crazy, that I managed to have the time, on my day off for once, to get a little of my mind and my going ons out there for ya’ll to know about. You’re welcome, haha.

So there’s this new filter on Snapchat, that turns you into an anime character. It’s super kawaii! n_n haha!

Alright I’m deciding to end this post on that note right there! I could probably say more, and keep this going, but I do believe this post is pretty long enough and my elbow is starting to ache, haha. It’s been a while since I’ve sat down with my laptop and done anything really worth typing up about.

Just living and surviving, and working in-between.

You stay safe out there Tumblr, I’m sure you’ll hear from me again soon. ;)

GOODNIGHT LOVES.

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297865-blog · 7 years

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The big question

So here you are now, laying alone in a cold bed. Why? Because you don’t ever seem to know what you really want. You always open your mouth to say things that you know are going to hurt the ones around you. So why do you do it? Why don’t you know what you want? That’s the big question. It’s hard to figure out what the fuck you actually want when you curl up in bed next to someone when you have other things on your mind. Or how about when you’re sitting on a step with a cigarette to your lips you think of the other places you could be? The places you miss being at. Well that’s how this brain works. I’m here but I’m not. My mind is always elsewhere..but where is elsewhere? In the future? Maybe a little bit. In the past? Oh yeah. But why are you so hung up on the past when you know you can’t fucking change the past no matter how hard you want to? Who knows. Maybe holding onto the little bit of hope that your brain and heart carries is keeping you in the past. Maybe the what ifs are dragging you down and you feel as if you shouldn’t have listened to what you’re head was saying and should’ve listened to your heart.

Besides all of that. Let’s start off with what I stated in the beginning, shall we? Let’s put it this way…I’m blunt. I have a hard time sugar coating things. Sorry I’d rather cut to the chase. So when you lay in bed arguing over stupid shit for hours eventually things just kind of fall out of your mouth really. Like the “things don’t feel the same anymore”.

The reality of it though? They don’t. The feelings The love The happiness The fuzzy feeling inside The excitement The lust

It almost feels like they don’t exist anymore…but why? Why the fuck does it feel like that?

Maybe because you have your head stuck in the past. Sometimes it feels like you have two little people on you’re shoulders and ones trying to get you to do the “right thing” and the other wants you to do the opposite.

That constant battle. The one you have in your head 24/7. No matter how many days or months pass, you’re still battling yourself.

Maybe a lot of it has to deal with the ex lover, or the child. Maybe you’re not ready to be “that girl” who ruined a family. And maybe you’re not ready to play a parent role because you’re still young and don’t know what all you want.

What you do know is that you want to live. You don’t want anyone to answer to. You want to drink and party, you want to travel to see you’re friends out of state, you want to be young. You don’t want to act like you’re old and married and have a family. You picture family and you think of your dog. You can barely take care of yourself, how can you take care of someone else? Someone else’s child at that?!

But then again maybe you, yourself, is hung up on an ex lover. One you spent years with. One you might have grown up with. But why are they still haunting you? Because they appear in your dreams, and when they appear it’s in all of the good ways you remember them. Or maybe because when you were leaving a store they pulled in next to you, and went to run towards your car but you were too much of a coward and drove away in a cloud of smoke. You knew you wanted to see them. You knew you wanted to hear their voice again. So why did you run? Why do you run from your fears and your problems? Because everything goes straight to your heart. You feel everything, and it’s exhausting. My hands were shaking as soon as my eyes met with yours that day and I shit you not I had a hard time turning the key to my ignition. I was overwhelmed. I’m still overwhelmed. Especially when I do wake up in the morning after just having a dream about you.

I always want to go back to those dreams. I always go to bed at night hoping I dream of you again. Life in my dreams is so much better and happier than reality.

Especially when you’re reality is hating your current job, because that person you dream of could walk in at any second. Or maybe the fact that you hate every other weekend because there’s a certain person who comes over. Because you’re sick of the glares and comments from the ex lover, you’re sick of getting no sleep at night because you have shit so far in your mind.

And then what the fuck do you honestly do when you feel like you can’t talk to anybody about how you really feel? I guess you rant on something you hope nobody will ever see. I guess this is one of the hardest things to be discussed when it comes to me.

Yeah, you might’ve talked a lot of shit about that ex lover to all of the wrong people. But the slamming doors have never stopped, the insecurities have never stopped, the yelling, the fighting, the threatening to leave. It never stopped. Even when you’re in a new relationship. And you can’t even finish typing this without the door opening and you getting the “are you fucking kidding me” and the grabbing of the jeans and the ignoring as you’re asking what they’re doing. Then you hear the front door open and the truck start. What do you do then? Do you text them? Call them?

All of the big questions run through your head. Are you just too afraid to be alone?? Is that why you hold on to this even though your head and heart tell you different? Do you even love this person? Can you really spend the rest of your life other this person???? Should you just let them go so you can finally be who you want and do what you want?? What do you do? What do I do. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

It’s 3:27 AM. And I lay here naked and alone in my bed, sharing the space of my room with a dog. Pondering what to do, all I feel is the itch to smoke a stupid cigarette that I’ve been meaning to quit. But how do you quit something when you’re addicted to feeling numb? Because feeling numb is better than feeling miserable right? At least that’s how I view it.

All of this is all over the place but my head can’t seem to stay in one direction. I hope one day I cross paths with a certain someone again. I feel as if I had failed. I had failed to change someone for the better. I saw a change, I really did. But lust, for the lack of a better word, came over me. And here I am. Feeling sorry for myself. Why? Because it’s been a year since you packed your bags out of that little wooden house that you called home and left. You left for good. You ignored those phone calls and those texts. Any time you answered the phone all you wanted to do was die because of the crying and begging you heard on the other end. You were hurting for the one who hurt, and for yourself. You still feel that hurt. You feel as if you didn’t give it enough time or that person enough of a chance. They bought you a ring. That still goes through your head almost every day. They wanted to marry you. But why? Nothing was perfect, it seemed like it was hardly good. Everything was rushed.

Everything in your life is rushed. Everything keeps getting fucked up. Why? Because you rush. Slow The Fuck Down And Live Dammit.

I guess all of my questions don’t really have an answer. At least an answer for anybody but myself. Maybe some day I’ll figure it out. Maybe someday I’ll climb out of the deep hole I’m in and start over. One can only hope.

Lord knows I can hold onto hope.

So what the fuck do I do now? Sit here and smoke a cigarette while my phone gets blown up while the one you're with has gone who knows where because you hurt them? I guess that's how my life is. I hurt people. I hurt them all the time without meaning to because I'm selfish. I haven't even talked to my own father in over a week because of my current relationship. Why? Because he knows. He knows he texted his ex lover for 4 months straight pretending he was coming home. He lied about being divorced so he wouldn't "hurt you" then he pulls in. I guess this will have to continue at a later date. Goodnight.

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jessfielding91 · 7 years

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sleep and paranoia

So I am typing this again whilst trying to sleep. I am typing this to try and help me sleep. To try and get my thoughts down so I can get a better nights sleep. The result if this is without a doubt too much coffee before I went to bed. I feel it in my fingers and bones. I feel it in my chest right now as I type this. Here I am hoping to just feel some sense of relief from literally everything going on inside my head.

So how did it all start? Well I just felt so much anxiety before going to bed. Like as in someone or something was wanting to come out. It was like in my chest which I have not had since I was working at sainsbury’s. I got into a fight with my flatmate over me waking her up cos I was trying to plug a charger into my plug next to my bed. I tried to reach it but it didn't. Then this proceeded me for like ten mins of me trying to get it in and then getting my bed in the right position. She needed her sleep as did I. I was trying to chill out but I couldn’t cos all I could hear was banging doors and footsteps going downstairs. That’s when I went downstairs to investigate.

Everyone was sat down and I asked if everything was ok. Everyone who I live with said no especially my roommate who’s room is above me. We kinda got into a bit of an argument cos I was saying the laptop helps me relax and it chills me out before going to bed. Normally I just put on YouTube then I fall asleep. Not tonight cos of bloody coffee and hifi bars that I had. Everyone was saying I shouldn’t be allowed to have my laptop upstairs and if i want to use it I use it in the front room. I also got into an argument about finances and how I thought I had saved some money but I hadn’t. This money was for a holiday. They said that I was lucky cos I didn’t have to pay debts off or that I didn’t have to pay towards direct payments. This wound me up even more. I understand that I was kinda in the wrong but still I just felt like it was them against me. I tried everything in my power not to cry because if I cry it’s a sign of weakness in their eyes but for me it’s a sign of frustration. In their eyes: if I don’t get my own way I cry. It’s hard cos I am trying not to cry and that is the way I am. I am trying to change but I just feel like I am always going to be a 25 year old cry baby. Even as I write this now I am crying my eyes out.

But yeah I went upstairs to try and just walk away to not cause any more arguments. It was then I did something stupid: I bit myself. Self harming isn’t a good coping mechanism and everyone knows I do it. I normally bite myself on the hand and punch myself in the jaw and/or head. This is where the spiralling started. It all just went a bit out of control from there. I even contemplated just ending it. Just thoughts though. I don’t think I would ever have the guts to do it in reality.

First off I tried to just put YouTube on but for some reason I did the number one thing that was bad: Google Why am I bad to live with? It never came up with anything in particular so I tried a different search: Why am I a bad roommate? It came up with a few bits and bobs. I read a few pages and it said the usual stuff like: You don’t do any washing, you never pay any bills, that kinda thing. I knew that this wasn’t helping my anxiety at all. In fact it was making it worse. I then stumbled on a page on this wonderful website. The blog was called: I hate my roommate. I spent about an hour on there reading through all these posts and I was thinking the whole time: “God I hope I am not like this?” and: “I am not that bad am I?” This is when the paranoia was really setting in.

I decided to switch the laptop off and somehow try to go to sleep. However my brain wouldn’t switch off. I was tossing and turning. No position was working. I heard someone else come in and then the dogs started barking. Everyone was all like happy to see them including the dogs. Everyone started talking and I could tell they were talking about me. My brain started thinking all sorts of scenarios. Ones that I wouldn’t have thought otherwise. I was thinking I was going to wake up with a note in the morning when I wake up saying: “We have had a discussion and we thought it’s best you leave this house. You have 24 hours to pack your stuff and find somewhere to stay for now.” I was crying when I thought of that one. Another one I thought of was I was just the worst person ever. I started listing everything in my head that is wrong with me. I just kept on thinking of scenarios in my head: Like me ringing friends asking if I could stay the night cos I was desperate and stuff like that. All of this shit was going on and on in my head whilst trying to fall asleep. I thought it was much later when I woke up and switched the light on. I looked at my phone and realised it was only 2:30am. How had it only been an hour? In my head it was much later. It always seems a lot later when you can’t sleep.

So I got up and contemplated what to do. I made the number one mistake again I used Google. I googled: having too much coffee before bed. It just came up with the symptoms. Didn’t really help much like. So I thought about my other options. Sometimes I rant into a webcam when I feel like this. Heck I made a documentary about it over six month. That was canny powerful. I could have written a poem about how I am feeling. I opted for the webcam at first but I realised that it does the 1 2 3 thing on PhotoBooth and I didn’t want to wake my roommate again. I muted it and tried to talk but it was lagging so much that I couldn’t do anything. That’s when I tried here. I typically forgot my password. I reset it again though. Then I started typing. I didn’t know whether it would be a poem or just me rambling. It has ended up me rambling. It is now 3: 21am in the morning and I can finally feel tiredness coming. Well I shall hope so. The palpitations have gone and now I feel a bit more relaxed. I am going to try and do some meditation or something to switch my mind off a bit more.

So I hope you all sleep well. Goodnight.

Jess

x-x-x-x

#can't sleep

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