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internetreadingpanda · 2 years

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November 28, 2021

Dear Moon, my drinking buddy,

It’s been two months since I’ve written anything to you and I’ve so much to tell you but I am- as always- too sad and tired to write all this. I went to Mathura last month because Cezzane visited that city with her family. Although, it was not a good idea because I got some kinda Anxiety attack in between the trip and Ashu couldn’t handle me but whatever he did, he did well.

This Month, it was my Cousin sister’s wedding on 22. After years, I met my mom’s side of the family, yes, it was all awkward. I realised how unsuccessful I am comparing to my other cousins. How everyone thinks we’ll remain a failure forever. They don’t give respect and attention to my mom she deserves. Maybe this is because of whatever happened in the past or maybe they’ve forgotten what had happened but I did not. I am burning in the fire of vengeance. However, it was a really nice break from my chaotic life. No matter how hard I try to stay happy, problems always find me. I gave my phone to one of my cousin, she’s a kid, probably in 6-7th standard. Then I went to the market and forgot about my phone and in the meantime she returned my phone to my mom. You must be thinking it is a good thing, but no, it’s my life, how things can be so simple? That girl had been scrolling my instagram account and when she gave it to my mom the app was open in the recent tab. Like all the Indian mom, they don’t give a fuck about privacy. She read my ig dms; there was some really really inappropriate conversation with a girl (you know, the kind of conversation where you think from your D and not brain). Now she’s disappointed with me, she thinks I don’t respect girls and that all because I used to hang out with people older than me.

Recently I lost my phone in an auto while going for a cricket match and that day I got aware of how dumb Susu is. He didn’t seem to have any concern about whatever happened, he was relaxed in some ways, he was supposed to be giving ideas to get some help atleast but he was as blank as me. Later Vibor bhai crossed our way and he sent a guy with his bullet bike. I checked nearest main road but couldn’t find him. I gave up but others told me my phone is ringing but the driver isn’t receiving the call, I kept calling it. Later that day I called Ashu because his Foofa Ji (Satta King) has contacts in police. Ashu told me the driver has not switched off my phone yet and he is tracing his location so the next day we went to catch him. We were all set and I wore Ashu’s jacket so he couldn’t recognize me. Our plan was, Ashu will ask to the driver to drop us to Devli (where Ashu resides) and then there all our friends would join and beat the crap out of him if he refuses to give me my phone back!

Here’s the spoiler, the plan didn’t go well, it was all a disaster. He recognised me in one glance and as Ashu reached him he ran away. The good thing is I noted his Vehicle number but as we went to the police, they sent us to some other police station saying the crime happened there we can’t do anything. It was my first visit to police station and the staff was nice and cool. We didn’t know how to write a FIR, neither the officer told us the format nor we have been taught in our schools rather than writing notice on lost water bottles. There was a guy outside the office and he seemed nice so we asked him and that guy helped us; I am really grateful of him. After writing the report police sent us to Fatahpur Station and there the officer told us to lodge the complaint online. He was educating me about online FIR and how I should be aware of all the government websites. If he would have helped us instead of teaching me all the nonsense, we could have got the culprit. All I needed from him was one officer and to come with me to the culprit’s house. I have his vihicle’s registration number, house adress, his name, what else do they need? I have done more than half of their work and then when we swear the police they declare us anti-national.

I have lodged the FIR online and I have gotten a message, Let’s see what happens. If police don’t help, I’ll myself go with the boys at his place and get back what’s mine. Right now I am using an old phone which I had bought in 2012 and it is not android ofc. When I switched on the phone, I saw some photos of mine from back then, damn man, I was really happy kid, maybe that is what meant to be a kid, happy always. Those who can keep their kidish self alive remains happy. Kids see beauty in everything because the world doesn’t show its ugly side to them and as they see it, the kid dies.

For now I cannot use any social media because I have deactivated my ig and I don’t have a phone to use snapchat which means Cezzane cannot contact me and I, too, cannot contact her because I lost her number and now I have a new number. I wonder if she thinks about me when I don’t send a snap, when I don’t put stories or deactivate my account. I want her beside me, I want to say so much to her but the reality is I am not her priority. We will never meet again, she couldn’t contact me, neither she will and I will be keep hoping that she does. I do not what is wring with me. I am tired of everything, nothing makes sense now all I know is I am in big trouble and there is no way. I want to die, I want to die peacefully on my bed, slowly, then all at once. I want to cry in some one’s arm and I want people to know I am not okay but then I think even if that happens would that make any difference?

Ashu and Susu have their u-16 trial on 1st of December, I am kind of jealous of them but not exactly jealous. You know, a kind of feeling where you are happy for them but at the same time sad for what is happening with you. I didn’t make to the trials because Vipin Sir had not enough resources to sent me there.

I am crying, I need HELP!

Love&Lights

Yushie

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