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jasmemegege · 7 years

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Fast, Pray, Love.

There is a book/ film called ‘Eat, pray, love’ about a woman’s journey in rediscovering herself after major changes in her life. I would say my journey had been somewhat the same, except this time, it is ’Fast, pray, love’ instead.

Fast:

For a long while, I’ve felt a nudging in my spirit. This was accompanied by symptoms of the spiritual drought within and signs that I’ve been walking astray.

I struggled to forage an identity for myself, poorly sewn together at the seams. Slowly, I became a living Frankenstein that I’ve created. I struggled to understand who I was, to have faith in His promises, to live a Christian life - instead of my own Christian lie. I really, really wanted to be His daughter, created by His two hands instead of my own.

As I honestly reflected, I saw how much of self there was in my walk with God. I was the one trying to live the Christian life. I carried my burdens by my own strength, grumbling every step of the way, unwilling to surrender and break my will for His. I cannot deny it must have been my pride, in believing that I can do God’s job better. It was pride that caused Lucifer to fall, and anything that springs from ourselves - however small - is always sin.

As my friend Christine once summed this up perfectly, “It is not always the big things that kill us, but the collection of many small things”. It’s easy to drown when we are slowly walking deeper. I believe that the hole in my heart that was meant for God, had been gradually filled with many small, but profoundly significant distractions. But I didn’t know where and how to start in the spring cleaning.

It was not until Victoria challenged me to go on an early fast that I begin to see how big my hole is, and how much junk I’ve been hoarding. It should be no surprise that I was pretty addicted to korean dramas - and that too, may be an understatement. Nerd alert: in psychiatry the definition of addiction has six components. Control, compulsion, tolerance, withdrawal, preoccupation and persistence - to which I’ve fulfilled all six.

Korean dramas made up a LARGE part of my life. And I spent many listless days staring into space, pacing around my room and rolling on my bed to occupy the hours without my dramas. Life felt long and pointless. I wondered, am I wasting my time? But it was in that moments of extreme boredom that I started to realise how dependent I was on stupid things (haha, yeah I’ll admit it), and how much time I’ve wasted on them.

Pray:

I started to wonder, how much more of my life is lies? Lies that the devil had spoken so gently, quietly and soothingly that I’ve gobbled them up so easily. Lies that this world has normalised and secularised.

I carried these thoughts and questions into my first missions trip.

Audrey was my prayer buddy, and I couldn’t be more grateful. On the first night of discussion and prayer, we discovered that our struggles had been “same, same, but different”. The devil really planted so many lies, and even though God has called us His perfectly and wonderfully made children, we struggled to believe His love and plan for our lives. Instead we find ourselves filled with thoughts that we were unworthy, inadequate, and for me, ugly. And in turn, we’ve turned to other things of this world to provide a false sense of security - achievements, relationships, habits planted and watered by fear. Fear that God won’t provide, fear that God ain’t enough.

These lies had hardened our heart against God because we could no longer believe in the plain and clear truth that He provided.

How scary is it that we had become consumers of a secular world model built by the devil, fed by his subtle lies of necessity and security? How often did I feel that I didn’t have enough, that I deserved good things, that I needed and hence pursued the things of this world? How much of my life was build on my own constructs of what made up my identity, instead of resting my identity in His? Almost always - even though I was on the look out to not fall for Satan’s devilish ways.

I believe that it was because we’ve seen past the lies that clouded our eyes, that He had to amp up his attacks. On the second night, during our prayer against the things bonding us to this world, something freaky happened. Audrey suddenly felt like she was on a rocky boat, with the tide and turns of the waves around her. While I saw us being surrounded by rising water. All of a sudden, with a ring in the ear, I couldn’t hear anymore. As I flung my eyes open and stared at Audrey as she prayed, I could see her lips moving, but the world had fallen silent. A few moments later, the deafness passed. Throughout our prayer, we were also viciously attacked by mosquitoes, on a scale never before, even though we had just sprayed repellant. We were distracted in our prayer, and I was really scared.

I’ve always been really adverse to anything supernatural, and had never watched a horror film after I turned eight. I don’t go into haunted houses, I actively avoid campfire horror stories, and if I have to pee at night - well, I spend hours debating if I should go. I find Lord of the rings too scary, and jump at the opening scenes of James Bond. When I hear stories of spiritual attacks, I pray for God to spare me that trial.

Thank God for Audrey, who bravely suggested we pray again. This time, for protection too. Later, we shared with the rest of the team, and our leaders prayed over us. I felt the fear melting away, my goosebumps rolling off, and a warm sense of peace wash over. After the prayers, I really needed to pee, and the team was so sweet in accompanying us to the toilet just ten steps away. Although I didn’t turn down the offer, deep down, I felt like if I had to go alone without a torchlight, in that moment I could boldly take the step of faith.

How important and blessed we are to have a ready source of people to pray for us! And how often we took the power of prayer for granted.

I also realised that if I had backed down in that moment of spiritual attack, and settled back in my old ways to escape his direct attacks, I would have done exactly what the devil intended. Just because the demons parading in the secular way of life are seemingly “small” or “friendly”, doesn’t change the character of what it is. Just because it is a “small” sin, we are not justified in our surrender to the wrong ways. I think it is more frightening to live unaware that we are consuming lies from the enemy, than to live aware of the spiritual warfare that we are fighting. After all, if we do not encounter the devil’s attacks in our walk, maybe we are walking in the same direction as Him.

Love:

It is only when we are broken, it is only when we surrender, that God can fill us with His living water, that He can use us in His great commission, and the fruits of the Spirit can overflow.

In Matthew 13:44 -16, a man found a treasure so precious, that he went home and sold all that he had to buy the land with the treasure buried within. I had found the greatest treasure in Him, and yet I had persisted in the ways of my life as if this treasure did not exist. Only after I claimed His victory over my life, over the lie that I have been living, did I began to understand for myself, how first and foremost, I am His daughter, and He alone is enough for me. I must become like the man, and sell all that I have, dying continually to the self, to redeem my new life, my treasure eternal.

When I started to be reminded of how short our time on Earth was, I began to see the things of this world fade away, and the things of His kingdom coming into view. I had been so short-sighted, when any number of years spent on Earth is still zero compared to eternity. How pointless it was to chase the things of this world! And how many, many precious people there was out there that have yet to have heard God’s name. The great commission is not a choice, it should become the DNA of His children - to truly break our hearts for what breaks His, and to be living in line with His heartbeat for His people.

After all, God is love. Only when we are broken, can His love fill us, to teach us how to love ourselves. And then in the natural order of things, be able to love others like ourselves. If anything, this trip has been a time of putting down my own agenda, to carry His cross. Not just because I am His daughter, but also because I am a servant for His kingdom. Just as Jesus was first.

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Written after Ranong Mission Trips 2017, at Guangzhou, waiting for my flight to New York City.

A delayed post, with which I still feel lacks the intensity of the experience, and the glory of this victory. But this I am okay with, because I live everyday amazed that the bonds have been broken, and I am made new again.

#Ramblings

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