#( i cant physically and mentally and emotionally listen to anything else its all i think about atp its my entire life now)

[webvampzz]

i wish i could eat songs

#being honest. nirvana and radioheads entire discography is so delicious scrumptious amazing 10/10 5 michelin stars gordon ramsay approved #and gulu gulus discography too #( i cant physically and mentally and emotionally listen to anything else its all i think about atp its my entire life now) #Spotify

[kirbycrouch]

living with bpd has to be one of the hardest things i have to deal with. i cant even begin to count the amount of friendships and friend groups ive lost and pushed away because of my unstable emotions and my inability to talk about my feelings and be vulnerable with people. i fucking hate being vulnerable, i hate talking about my feelings. but also i guess its just that i never really learned *how* to talk about my feelings. my whole life i was yelled at and told im "ruining everything" and am being "selfish" or "self centered" or that im a "burden" whenever i talked about my feelings or showed emotion. you see, my family has always been huge on their image and reputation, anything that could possibly make them look bad was seen as a problem, and thats why my family always ostracized me and saw me as a problem. when i got bullied all throughout grade school and high school my parents would blame it on me and would tell me "why is it only you that has these problems?? no one else in the family had these problems!!" and thats around when the first time i attempted to kill myself, but even then my parents tried so hard to hide the reason why i was in the hospital and told everyone its from "allergies" even though i was there for two weeks. sure theyre nicer to me now, but the damage was already done. truthfully though im used to always getting the short end of the stick and losing everything, or having things just. not. go. my. way. on top of me having bpd and being autistic and honestly at this point probably schizophrenic too with how fucking often i experience hallucinations and paranoid delusions, i also found out that i have pcos the other day right before my birthday, which my birthday also sucked but at this point it was too late for me to have a good birthday in the first place. i have to deal with having chronic mental and physical illnesses for the rest of my life that not only affect my personality but affect my physical appearance and health too. im not desirable physically or emotionally. everything i liked about myself is being taken away from me. and it doesnt help that i keep pushing away the people that care about me because of how fucking unstable and stupid i am. i lost everything. and i really cant even be upset because its all my own fault. i just continuously self sabotage myself. but i guess its not only my own fault because how cant i be scared? not that long ago i got banned from a college club, lost a whole group of friends, because i reported my rapist/abuser and they called me a liar. my rapist/abuser was "banned" too but we all know that i was only told that so i wouldnt report the club or "expose" them or whatever even though regardless no one will fucking believe me. when i was raped in high school someone i thought i could trust told everyone and i got called a "whore" and a "slut" throughout the whole 4 years there, not to mention he was in most of my classes despite me fucking begging the school to take him out of my classes or to change my schedule so i dont have to fucking see him everyday. of course they didnt listen, though. why would they? a few weeks ago my therapist literally told me "next time this happens you should keep it to yourself because no one believed you the last two times" and that just. broke me. but i cant even really be upset because shes right. no one believed me, and if it ever happened again still no one would believe me. no one ever takes my side, ive been alone and lonely my whole life, but its mostly my fault that im like this so who am i to get upset over my own actions. i dont know how much longer i can handle any of this, i thought things were getting better for me but i feel myself falling down the hole again. i really want to end it all. i dont have hope for things ever getting better for me. some people are just given a bad set of cards and theres no way they could ever win, and i think im one of those people, so i should just give up.

#rant

[jamaisjoons]

what is your fav thing about joon?

how he’s super respectful and always wants to shake people’s hands even though they don’t always reciprocate, and how he refers to people as sir/maam

he once said ‘i like peace, my favourite bird is the pigeon’ but he’s an idiot and he meant dove

going off number 2, alternatingly, how he got pigeon and dove confused but calls fruitflies by their scientific name aka drosophila 

how he thinks about love inclusively, not just the romantic kind but the friendship and familiar kind too

how he released mono because he wanted to be a source of comfort for all his fans and give them a hug even if he cant physically do it

how he said ‘mono’ means monster no more, meaning he’s let go of all that pent up rage and anger and all the negativity he had while being a teenager and how he’s found peace within himself, and how he’s grown emotionally and mentally and no longer feels angry at the world

how to spoke openly about going to therapy and getting help when you need it

how he speaks softly a lot of the time, and when he pauses and its almost like you can see his brain working, see him thinking and he’s completely beautiful

how his voice is low, and deep, and silky smooth, and how when i hear it its that feeling of drinking hot chocolate on a chilly day, just something so comforting

how he prefers sunset to sunrise (just like me) but how he likes being out at dawn when everyone else is asleep (again like me)

how he wrote moonchild for the people who feel most happy at night, for those who felt like ‘they can’t breathe during the day’ and how he believes the night sets him free

how he enjoys just,, being, in nature - going on walks, taking bike rides with jimin down han river

how he looks when he has no make up on and his hair is falling in front of his eyes and he just looks so soft and adorable

how he likes using filters on his vlive, especially the really cute ones and how i will deadass fight that fan who told him to stop using them because on god he deserves happiness in the little things and if filters make him happy then you BET he should use them

how his entire face lights up when he’s happy, and the way it scrunches when he sees things that are cute

how he’s so big and yet so gentle with everything - the way he picks up crabs, and frogs, and any small creatures - but he handles them with utmost care because he knows his strength and he would never willingly hurt any living creature

how he likes ryan from kkt and has a bunch of merch but freely admits he prefers brown from line jfsjfjsjfjd and how he has a collection of both of those as well as K.A.W.S. like he’s really just an adorable little nerd

how sometimes when he laughs he buries his face into his hand or his shoulders, and how sometimes his eyes are wide and his mouth is open and you can see his tongue

how he dressed up like an astronaut for the 2018 MAMA performance and did his little move and then fell on the ground in the most cUTEST way possible - and then his legs were all stretched out but he stayed on the ground

how he can be hella petty - like when he admitted his sister pissed him off one day and before they were going to school, it was raining, and he took all the umbrellas in the house so she’d have to walk to school in the rain

how when he was younger his dream was to be a security guard because it shows just how sweet he is and how much he wants to protect people, and how he does it every day just by being him and encouraging people to continue on even if they’re struggling

how much he loves his mother

how he gets annoyed with rap mon for not remembering who he is even thought monie is named after him

how even though he’s not a major vocalist, his husky, low-toned voice sounds so beautiful and calming

how he sings in the shower but gets clowned for it

how when he gets excited he physically can’t contain himself and runs around with a little bounce and the happiest expression

alternatively, how sometimes he just bounces in place instead of running around

how frustrated he gets when people aren’t listening to him and he throws a soft tantrum

how quick his mind works and how unbelievably intelligent he is

how he’s big but his sneezes are soft and quiet, and his face scrunches up and then his entire head shakes

how sweet he looks when he’s sleeping, all nestled in the covers and his cheeks full

how he has a mole on his neck just below his jaw

how clumsy he is and how easily he breaks things as if he doesn’t know his own strength

how he takes care of the members as much as he can, but how he equally needs to be taken care of

how he is a hazard to himself and is so smart yet doesn’t know basic things like how to use a knife or to NOT touch boiling pasta

how he’s so big but if he curls up into himself he looks so small

the way his nose wrinkles when he’s confused

that stupid ahahAHAHAHA laugh he does

the fact that he grows bonsai and has named them - ‘cherry blossom baby’ ‘jjin jjin’ ‘cherry’ and ‘orihime’ who he calls ori as a nickname and that he also talks to them

how he said he will wear whatever - regardless of ‘gender’ stereotypes

how he’ll sit on the side and simply watch the rest of bangtan with the proudest, sappiest smile because he knows they’re happy and because they’re his entire happiness

how he does aegyo and then immediately gets shy afterwards

how gentle and delicate his features are, and yet so unbelievably handsome and sexy he is at the same time

how he’s the gentlest giant to ever exist

how he lets bangtan do whatever they want to him - like wipe cake onto his face, or squish his cheeks, and he accepts it all with the patience of a saint

how he gives love freely and loves freely but never asks for anything in return even though he deserves it and everything

how he has a sweet tooth, and eats spoonfuls of sugar, and how he believes that even when the world ends people who make cotton candy should continue existing

how humble he is, despite being in the biggest boy group in the world, but how he never fails to thank the staff, the people who work with them, their dancers, the stage crew, the directing crew or whatever

how he can’t take a compliment without getting incredibly shy

how he learned to love himself over the years

how he’s so willing to let people use him for them to learn to love themselves

how he made me fall in love with the world again, and it’s beauty, and reminded me that there is good in the world

how he is my source of strength and happiness

how his words and existence bring me comfort

how he saved my life

and a whole bunch of other reasons that i cannot remember because i’m crying

#about sol #i really just started #and then could not stop #there is no one i love more in this world #no one. #the nameless #asks #moonflower.txt

[letsjam-art]

Cloud don’t listen! Close your ears, close your eyes! Don’t think....

ive always been perplexed at how this scene can be taken out of context...

especially the line ‘its your opinion that matters’ given this is right before reunion where cloud completely and finally gives up in all senses of physically, mentally emotionally, etc...

every line he gives (which are more for him than for anyone else) comes across as some desperate final attempt at denial when faced with his story/memory discrepancies (and by this point even he knows something is wrong despite all his ‘i dont care’s- still shutting out the truth because he is straight up afraid of who he really is/could be) by his worst, most personal enemy and himself, suddenly and all at once his illusions of grandeur that he clung to fall apart, and he literally doesn’t know what to do with himself if he doesnt have ‘something’ -so he gives into another lie, created by sephiroth (none of this aided by being infected with a sentient alien virus or the fact that both tifa n cloud are in their worst nightmare)

tifa here too finally comes to a head with all the truth shes kept hidden out of pure fear of what would happen to the last connection she has to a bygone life, shes been so confused and worried throughout the game, never knowing what to do or when to do anything... ignoring the truth and running from it just as much as cloud does, but at the northern crater she cant brush it off anymore, an it clearly takes a toll on her

i do find it interesting that rather that just saying what she remembers to cloud, she opts to stay silent, neither confirming nor denying what sephiroth says...

#final fantasy 1997 #final fantasy 7 #final fantasy vii #ff7 #ffvii #ff 7 #ff vii #cloud strife #tifa lockhart #cloud #tifa #tifa lockheart #my art

[gemstoneconstellations]

hi i’m so sorry can you explain alpha/omega? thank you so much sorry to bother

it’s not a problem! just know that omegaverse is a very flexible au and it can be different from author to author but their is a strong base that it makes it easy to go from one omegaverse to another and still understand.

Basics that most omegaverse follow is that there are three secondary genders/ranks: alpha, beta, omega. there is a few more but they aren't very common, so I wont go into it. (primary gender is female or male) the secondary gender can be known from birth or when the present (where an alpha or omega have their first heat/rut) or no presenting (beta). Presenting is kind of like the start of puberty. anyways, the dynamics in this au is based off of the hierarchy of wolves. so think of this au is like a society of werewolves without the whole shift changing, but still has fangs, claws, growls, and some basic animal instinct reactions. (this au really appeals to people with breeding kinks and that males can also get pregnant, so go gay otps being able to have their own kids.) everyone has scent glands that are located on the neck, wrists, and inner thighs that produce their own natural scent and pheromones. scenting is when someone spreads their own scent onto things/person, used to comfort others, or to be possessive and mark what is theirs. alphas and omegas scent glands are typically more powerful than a beta’s, and alphas and omegas react more strongly to different scents. when mating, the couple will bite each other’s gland on their neck to form a mate bond. A mate bond is equivalent to marriage but a bit stronger. it’s permanent and mates will only react to each others’ scents, ruts/heats, and other people will be able to tell that they are claimed and a bonded pair based on their scent and the bite mark that is on their neck. Some omegaverses have a soulmate au combo, a true mate, where someone will strongly react to another’s scent that it puts them into a primal instinct state and they’ll only react to that person’s scent that way. they have such a strong desire for that scent that it can make people lose all sense and unable to function till they claim their true mate. Pairings are primarily based on scent compatibility than anything else (which honestly makes sense cause no one is going to want to be around anyone is stinks). The strength and permeance of mark bonds do vary though for authors, sometimes only alphas can form the mate bond, only alpha/omega pairs can have mating bonds that are permanent, bond doesn't become permeant unless both parties bite each other, alphas can bite over past bond marks on omegas to transfer over the bond to the new couple, the list can go on.

now lets go into the basics of the genders:

Alphas are usual the top most high rank gender. they are the stronger, bulkier, and most aggressive of all the genders. they are typically the protectors, leaders, high society, most sought after mate, and dominant. they can be very possessive and territorial which makes them react physically violent towards the threat or aggressively mark what is theirs, either by rubbing their scents on the item/person, biting a person as a display of dominance and ownership of that person, or sometimes piss marking. their home is sometimes called their den. physically speaking, they have a lot of testosterone which allows them to grow taller than other genders and lanky and be able to build muscle more easily. female body structure varies for authors, they can either have both body parts (vagina and a penis), have a retractable penis instead of a vagina, or they only have a vagina and can only get pregnant by another alpha male. But what is the same across the different versions is that alphas have a knot that is meant for breading and have ruts, like a personal mating season/biological clock telling them they need to make some offspring or pups. Alphas are most commonly pair with omegas, they are their counterpart in the ranking system. Alphas can form relations with other alphas and betas as well. their instincts typically push them to be providers for their chosen mates, protecting them, ‘hunting’ food and making sure they are well fed, generally taken care of and happy. alphas can also do Orders/Commands, where they have a specific tone of voice that makes omegas/betas/lower rank alphas listen to them. when happy they croon, which is a deeper purr.

Betas are the neutral party, they don't rely on their instincts as much as omegas and alphas. their are describes as similar to modern people. they do have glands but their scent is either no too strong, or comes off as calming to omegas and alphas. they are the peace keepers of society. most often they are the more common gender that makes up the society while omegas/alphas are the minority. but because alphas give off such powerful and demanding scents alphas are still ranked higher to them. betas sometimes have less sensitive nose so they don't react or because they aren’t as ruled by their instincts they don't have a reaction, they are just able to tell what the omega/alpha is feeling based off of their scent. they can sometimes purr or they just imitate the sounds the other genders make to either appeal to their mate or to help calm someone down. male betas cant get pregnant and female betas can’t impregnate. their body structure is of a normal human being. there isn't much else to say.

Omegas are the maternal side. they are the ones that can give birth to pups. they are generally the smaller ones of the genders and displayed as more timid and soft nature, the submissive. they can be male or female. male omegas are typically more rare of all the genders. personality wise, it can vary based on type of society in the fic. this gender is often used to mirror how modern society sees women, they are the homemakers, the motherly figure, all about having dem babies and having their alpha breed them. omegas are often treated as lesser than the other genders. but that’s not all the fics. Alphas typically have strong reactions to their pheromones, sometimes the only thing that can calm an alpha is their omega’s scent. omegas’ scent is also really good for calming children, whether they are the dame (mother, person who gave birth) or not. physically, just like female alphas, male omegas can have both body parts, sometimes just the penis and vagina and no testicles, can have male parts and then there is an added structure in the anus for a womb. Like alphas, their biological clocks tell them to have pups through a heat where they produce slick, which allows them to be able to take a knot. omegas are most fertile during their heat which is generally why they are depicted as “craving their alphas knot” because they want to be bred. heats are usually the best time to form a bond. also how omegas act during heats is another thing that depends on the author. another thing about omegas that is important is that they have a desire to nest. they will build nests using the softest blankets, pillows, and clothes that have been heavily scented by family, pack mates (really close friends that are basically family), and their mates. all the scents that make them feel happy and calm. the nest is an omega’s safe place and no one can just go in without the omega’s consent, being allowed is a really high honor, it means that the omega trusts you with their entire being because disrupting an omega’s nest can be mentally, physically, and emotionally damaging. when paired they are generally with alphas, that is the golden pairing. how omegas get pregnant by who also varies. Omegas are very flexible on how they can be portrayed physically, personality, and how they are received in society, all based on the author (don't worry, authors usually go into detail when describing that, either by the interaction omega characters go through or in the exposition). 

i think i covered a lot of the basic info that someone should be aware of. if you have any other questions, i’ll be happy to answer them! i have read so many omegaverse fics over the years, its so cool seeing this au becoming so popular and a standard au after all these years.

#my weebs #omegaverse #alpha/beta/omega au #alpha/omega #alpha/beta/omega dynamics #quick guide

[creepypastashavecomittedtaxfraud]

mind if i ask for some good soft stuff w Jeff and Toby? or Ben ! ...or EJ.........or Nina.... I'm sorry I will take literally anything I love ur hcs So Much and also Jeff needs more love uwu ((Gee Jeff how come u get to have so many bfs and a gf))

ILL DO SOME FOR EVERYONE!!! Jeff has50 billion partners we know this

this post got SUPER SUPER long i am so sorry everyonebut these r all like my favorite pairings ever SO…i wanna do them justice. under the cut because of the length!

Jeff x Toby

oh they just Love to mess with eachother and pull pranks on each other. toby especially loves to get at jeff withem. usually ends up making the other one just SO MAD

which then sometimes leads to playfighting .which then might lead to one of them getting pinned to the wall.which might end up in semi-angry makeouts .who knows hehe

parts-of-our-mouths-are-rotting-awaygang . toby likes kissing jeff a lil bit on his exposed teeth cus he thinksit’s funny. jeff acts annoyed by it but it makes him blush a little bit.

they both have the tendency to bekind of self destructive and just in general not doing basic self care stuff. sothey Try to keep a little bit of an eye on each other .they both hate to beover bearing but idk. they just care about each other a lot. And love eachother when they cant love themselves

toby and jeff both can be prettyemotionally explosive , so they try to keep each other as level headed aspossible. distracted and mentally ok so one of them doesn’t completely spiralout of control, though if that were to happen the other one will be there toget a hold of em.

The best way to calm either of themis grabbing a hold of them physically and holding their head in your arms untilthey chill out. Ungraceful maybe but effective and relatively easy.

they’re both pretty troubled, butthey’re trying to get it under control. They’re there for each other no matterwhat.

they like to go up to the humanworld late at night and fuck around. climb on stuff that shouldn’t be climbedon. play in fountains. vandalize shit. that’s date night for them. One day jeffgot ahold of some spray paint and they both went nuts with it, THAT was a goodday

Toby didn’t used to smoke till hemet jeff but now they’re both in it unfortunately aha..jeff kind of regretsgetting him into the habit but not much can be done about it now.

Since meeting Jeff toby’s definitelypicked up his kind of harsh sarcastic humor streak, and jeff’s actually gotten atiny bit nicer, though whether that’s of tobys influence or just the sideeffect of being in love is up for debate. So I guess there was a small exchangethere. They balance out nicely.

they both get beat up and injured alottt on the job, probably the most reckless ones of everyone. despite this,whenever the other one comes home all messed up the other one gets so freakedout and concerned, asking what happened and trying to take care of it. kind ofhypocritical but…they cant help it. 

they really really love each other.they wish they could both be healthier

Jeff x Ben

evenbefore they’re in a relationship they are Very close to each other. So whenthey actually get to dating, you know that’s solid. Nothing can tear themapart.

theywere very much, deeply in love with each other before ever admitting it . theyboth never wanted to say anything in case it ruined their close closefriendship but they both completely gave in eventually

they’rebest friends and best boyfriends at the same time. They’re each othersemotional and mental support. They love and care about each other so much, andare able to take care of each other so well because they so . deeply and intimatelyknow each other already. Yknow from being close for so long already. They reallydo trust each other with everything

it’slike they’re constantly together. They eat and sleep together, spend all daytogether, stay up all night together. It makes them happy, keeps them calm. The longest times they’re apart are when Jeff’s out killing or so injured he has to rest in his own room. 

Jeffhas his periods of really bad depression, and ben makes sure to be there forhim and take good care of him during these times. He’s very very calming andgentle and it keeps jeff calm and safe.

Ben,likewise, has long periods of bad depression too, which jeff helps himthrough. Takes care of him, keeps him distracted and comforted. Keeps himcompany.

Theyreally like to just hold each other and talk each other through things. Theyreally know how to communicate and what the other needs to hear and neverfeel lonely with the other around

Theylike to go out on the roof and smoke weed/cigarettes and kiss, sometimes they talksometimes they don’t. they could spend days alone with just each other.

They’ve known each other longer than they’ve known anyone else who lives there. that bond is special. and honestly, Jeff really is ben’s whole world. ben doesn’t know at all what he’d do without jeff. and jeff doesn’t know what he’d do without ben either. it feels like no one knows them like they know each other.

i guess the one little disconnect they have it ben doesn’t do the regular killing stuff like jeff does. doesn’t really get it. just stays home and does his own thing. sometimes he’s self conscious about it, like since he doesn’t do the same work as everyone else maybe he’s…weaker for it..or something. he doesn’t like to talk about it.

they’ve both been aloneand lonely for so long. Most of their lives really. So now that they have eachother they never ever want to let go

Jeff x EJ

Justas, a first things first, the moment ej sees jeff he already gets such a crushon him right away. It sounds so corny but he thinks jeff’s really the cutestguy he’s ever seen. A real love at first sight moment, even though hedefinitely doesn’t say anything about it at first.

EJ,also, is very much the caregiver type, and jeff desperately needs someone totake care of him, so they are really perfect for each other.

Jeffcan’t help but have a real soft spot for being taken care of , which ej is supposedto be doing for him anyway being the medic and all but still. Since ej’s been basicallyin love with jeff since forever he’s just so extra gentle and caring with himwhenever he’s hurt, it makes Jeff just melt…

I think ej’s very calm comforting level-headed logical personality is the main thing that makes jeff fall so hard for him. While he has other friends who try to help and support him ej actually seems to be the only one out of everyone who isn’t as badly effected by it. like he actually has the mental and emotional capabilities of supporting him. and slowly he just becomes so attached to and dependent on him, and he’s happy to love and support jeff

ej however has his really low points too, which jeff tries to help him through too. he holds ej in his arms and pets his hair or gently pats his back and listens to whatevers bothering him. which is all ej really needs. someone there with him. yknow

ej’svery casually affectionate, Jeff gets plenty of space if he wants but if they happento be around each other he loves to stand behind him and wrap his arms aroundhim, be close to him, touch his hair a little, run the back of his hand overhis cheek…really into light physical affection.

Couplevoted most likely to be caught making out in the closet randomly during the day

Ej isjust so completely in love with jeff, flaws and all, loves giving himattention, talking to him, taking care of him, giving him kisses. It is just embarrassinghow in love he is, even if he tries to only express it in private.

Jeffgets flustered and embarrassed easily with how sweet ej is to him, it stillgets him a little bit pink in the face even after being with him for so long, and tries to reciprocate it too. getting all cuddly and sweet with him when he feels the need to

Jeffloves bringing out ejs more outgoing social side. When they first met he wasvery reclusive and you know, loner-type, but jeff’s very outgoing andcenter-of-attention, so after some encouragement they’re both 100% party boystogether, which ej really needed. Being alone all the time was bad for him

Otherthan all that…They’re very strongly bonded and connected in a way they havetrouble describing. Ej just thinks jeff’s the most perfect man in the wholeworld , and Jeff thinks ej is just. perfect . so understanding and loving and caring and patient. he’s never met someone who puts up with his bullshit so well. and he is in Love

Jeff x Nina

Omg when nina finally gets to see him in person for the first time SHE IS SO EXCITED !!!! Runs up to him and gives him a huge hug, practically scooping him up off the ground !!!

He’s, very stunned at first, but gets his bearings back soon enough

After the initial rushed introduction, he learns why she’s here and he’s actually really flattered?

“You’re here??? For me??? you came all this way here to meet me???”

compliments really are the way to his heart lololol

and while he’s still kind of shocked from the whole thing….she is really cute….so that’s a plus

They spend a long time getting acquainted with each other, but nina naturally probably already knows a lot about him, which really just makes jeff more interested in her 

oh once they actually date for real nina is so happy!!! He’s everything she was hoping for and more!!! the guy of her dreams!!! he’s handsome and protective and cool but also sweet and caring and lets her cuddle up to him!!

Jeff has to come around to the idea first but once they’re dating for real he’s actually really happy too!!! She’s so energetic and sweet. its a much needed brightness to his life, he cant help but kind of fall in love with how affectionate she is. and how absolutely smitten she is with him

at the beginning she is very very clingy, goes everywhere with him,!! and he really does not object. honestly its a bit of an ego boost in addition to how much he really has accidentally fallen for her .

 but she does dial it down after a bit! she’s always just as sweet with him as ever though, as long as he allows it 

she’s actually a tiny bit taller than him, and uses that as an excuse to pick him up a little bit from time to time , which he protests, but she thinks its the cutest thing

she’s a very nurturing type girlfriend, she remembers all the stuff he has to do in a day and is checking in to remember if he’s done it. whenever he’s injured she insists on taking care of him

 EVERYONE notices after they start being together that he’s really cleaned himself up. like he showers regularly??? he’s started brushing his hair??? dressing?? semi-nicely??? he acts the same as ever, he’s just. cleaner. and everyone thinks she’s forcing him to be but actually he’s just started putting more effort in himself to impress his beautiful girlfriend, because he just reasons that she always puts so much care and effort into her appearance he should do, almost the same right?

#IM SORRY FOR ALL THE TYPOS IN THIS #BUT I CANT RE READ IT AGAIN ILL SCREAM GHJFGHJFG #jeff the killer x ben drowned #jeff the killer x ticci toby #jeff the killer x eyeless jack #jeff the killer x nina the killer #THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST #IM GOING TO BED NOW

[wlwdjh]

hi. i think i might have some early fibromyalgia but the internet isn't helping me too much. how did you get a diagnosis? how did it feel for you in the beggining? please i need some help i have been struggling with health for a few years but lately its gotten worse and neither my mum (undergraduate in medicine) nor any doctors ive been to know whats going on. Ive been on antidepressants for a while but stopped them. i cant say they helped. do you have any experience you can share?

Hi hun. First I want to preface this by saying I am in no way a medical professional so all I can do is share my experience. I also am located in the United States and have health insurance, which is going to make my experience different than a lot of others. I’m gonna put the rest under a cut just in case anyone has trouble reading about medical issues.

Fibromyalgia is a weird diagnosis, in that it’s a diagnosis by elimination. Before I was diagnosed by a Rheumatologist (a doctor who specializes in diseases of the connective tissue like arthritis) I spent years working with my doctor to figure out the source of my chronic pain. At 19 I was in a car accident and my doctor checked me over and took x-rays, all of which came out completely normal. Slowly over the course of the next few years though my health started to deteriorate.

At first I thought it was only mental. I was having major anxiety, to the point where I couldn’t go to school, and depression severe enough that I couldn’t get out of bed. I was sent to a psychiatrist, who listened to my symptoms for 15 minutes, diagnosed me with a panic disorder, and prescribed me Fluoxetine (Prozac) and sent me on my way.

Here’s the thing with meds - they work, but it’s often a struggle to find the right one. A lesser known symptom of Fibromyalgia is medication sensitivity. While Prozac works wonders for millions of people, it was way to strong for me, and left me feeling like a zombie. So after a few months of this drug, I went back to the same doctor. He maintained his previous diagnosis but switched me to Buspirone, a medication that is used just for the treatment of anxiety. I definitely think that it helped, but it didn’t do anything for my depression or any of my other symptoms.

While I was trying to figure out my mental health I started having more severe chronic pain. I was a dancer from twelve to twenty, and was in the best shape of my life when I started having severe joint and muscle pain. I thought I was just pushing myself too hard honestly, and just tried to slow down on my classes. I went from dancing 8-12 hours a week to not at all.

I also was having issues with memory - I was losing gaps in the day and couldn’t focus on things I used to love like reading. I was also exhausted 24/7.

It’s around this time that I dropped my psychiatrist and went without medical intervention for about a year. I realized at 21 that my depression was getting worse and worse - that summer I spent an entire week in bed, and my best friend had to come and make sure I was eating. I started seeing an MFT, and going through my own journey to mental health.

When I finally (through tons of incredibly hard work) pulled myself out of that hole I stopped being emotionally stoic and started noticing hey, my body is getting worse. My IBS symptoms started around the age of 23, and I lost quite a bit of weight just by not being able to eat anything. I also, through the encouragement of my therapist, started going back to my primary care physician, and he started trying to puzzle it out with me. First we thought the symptoms were depression related, so he put me on Welbutrin (which I still take to this day). It was unlike the other drugs in that taking it actually gave me energy and cleared my mind, rather than fogging it up further. Then he sent me to Physical Therapy. The PT was horrified at the state of my back at this point and put me through 8 weeks of grueling therapy. I would leave in incredible pain every day and then have to go home and do more exercises. While it wasn’t pleasant I can say that it gave me some of the knowledge that I use now in trying to treat my Fibro.

I also went through an elimination diet to try to find my trigger food for my IBS. I had never before in my life shown signs of dairy intolerance and then here at the age of 23 I was developing a rash on my arm any time I tried to eat mac and cheese lol. Cutting that out of my diet made a big difference in my gut health.

This whole time I was doing lots and lots of internet research on my own. I remember coming across an article about Fibromyalgia and its symptoms and how my heart stopped when I read it. I took it with me to my next doctor’s appointment and he admitted that he didn’t know much about the disease but that he could refer me to the doctor who did. In the meantime he put me on Gabapentin for my pain (which just made me feel drunk and dizzy half the time, not my fav).

The first appointment with my Rheumatologist was terrifying. I kept thinking that all my symptoms were just caused by my depression, that I was faking, that here I was about to be laughed out of another doctor’s office as a liar and attention seeker. Instead my doctor sat me down, asked me about my mental illness, my family history, my lifestyle, my diet, how bad my pain was, where it was located, and never once suggested that any of my symptoms were in my head. I went home and cried that night - I had never felt more validated in my life.

Before I could get my diagnosis we had to run some tests. My Rheumatologist had access to all of my results from previous x-rays and tests but had to run some blood tests to rule out anything else. I also underwent a physical test where she checked for trigger points - they’re basically small points on your body that cause intense pain when pressed. Almost all of the points hurt me haha. After a few weeks, at 24, five years after my initial onset of symptoms I had my diagnosis. I was prescribed Cymbalta and told to stop eating gluten, start exercising more, and to take care of myself. That’s the hardest part of this condition for me - the only way to treat it is by living a healthy lifestyle, which is incredibly difficult to do on my own due to my mental health issues.

It’s been a journey for me, and I’m sorry to say that everyone I’ve talked to with Fibro has had a journey as well. It’s just not a condition that doctors are quick to diagnose patients with. I know it can be hard but self advocacy is going to be your best bet towards getting a diagnosis. Remember that even without one your pain is still real.

#asks

[infinite-insignia]

((I uh. made an edgy moodboard for myself. also a vent/rant under the cut.))

(( wasn’t exactly in a super angsty mood earlier but then I thought abt things and my brain went “man I really was a horrible person huh” so basically this is a representation of my edgy kin thoughts whenever they resurface. not even joking, some of the quotes are p accurate. especially the “killed my old self but the new me isn’t much better” one cause it reminds me of my death and honestly yeah. that was totally my doing. tryna be a better person in this life but I guess I can’t do that. I mean it didn’t work back then, why would it work now. tho if I give up on remembering my last life, I’d be giving up on what’s p much my purpose in this life. remember everything and use that knowledge to (try to) better myself before this human body gives out and this soul fades. cause I don’t think this soul’s gettin reincarnated again. not like I have another shot at remembering everything. but everyone tells me to stop focusing on the past. that it doesn’t define me now. but tbh? it kinda does at this point. the human life I’ve lived? yeah that was normal before I remembered what I was last time. and now it’s all I think abt--and to be told to stop thinking abt it? to be called delusional over it? to have people try and prove me wrong by telling me how I lived my life--or, worse, by saying it never even happened? it hurts me emotionally. like,,,deeply hurts me. I wanna talk to people abt things so I know someone’s listening. that someone cares enough to at least attempt to understand. even fake understanding would be enough cause I’d believe it was real. I’d have someone to talk to outside of tumblr, at least. sure, my psychologist knows a bit abt this stuff, but I only see her once every other week--and not this week. so I can’t talk to her. can’t talk to my mom cause she doesn’t understand and I know for a fact we’d end up arguing. she’s said it before--she wants her kid back. this messed-up delusional freak who brings past lives into their current one apparently isn’t her kid--but that’s who I am. that’s what I do. even among people like me, I feel alone. I can’t talk to anyone and it’s driving me nuts--but at the same time I’m terrified to talk to people because of the reactions they could have. I can talk abt it on here but to you guys it probably just seems like lame, delusional ranting. so I might as well shut up before I start to look like even more of a whiny bitch, huh. I say that despite knowing it’s hard to shut up once I start talking. ugh. man I went from 0 to 100 real quick in terms of bad moods. and it’s not even a bad mood? like I’m upset, yeah. but it doesn’t exactly feel like stress, it feels more like,,,emptiness. like I’ve dealt with this shit enough that I’ve figured there’s no point in stressing over what’s gonna happen every few days or so. my brain wants to mistake this emptiness for calmness--but I’m not calm. I’m not happy, I’m not content, I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I’m a freakshow brought into another life for god knows what reason. Phantom Ruby shouldn’t have had the power to reincarnate me but it somehow did. Ruby itself is here too somehow--it’s just super weak/faint. like,,,I can tell it’s there, but it can’t do much. I can’t even see it anymore or hear it out loud--it’s just like an inaudible voice, kinda like a thought that’s not actually coming from me. if that makes sense. probably doesn’t cause I’m just delusional apparently. oh well. can’t let my mom know I’m going through this cause we’d just argue. cant tell my sis cause she doesn’t wanna hear abt my kin bs. says its annoying cause I talk abt it too much. tho she also says it’s not an issue as long as I believe it and I’m not hurting anyone--and I’m not hurting people. not intentionally. I just wanna talk. have some sort of an outlet. but when most of my past life is full of war and murder and blood and stress and evil and destruction and everything else that is horrible, people are gonna judge me if I talk abt it. think I’m still some murderer today--which I’m not. definitely not. I regret the things I did. yet I’ve had someone tell me that ‘villains don’t feel regret’ and you wanna know what I did in response? pushed said person in a fit of anger. not a super strong push or anything, just enough to throw them off balance for a second. but like,,,you can’t tell me what I did or didn’t feel. sure I may not have regretted a whole bunch during the war, but afterwards? I was a walking ball of stress and regret trying to make a better name for myself but failing. waiting til the end of the planet, when I was the last living mobian, to do something abt it. and that something wasn’t pretty--it’s what caused me to move onto this current life. I get a lot of thoughts from various points in my last life, and those all cause a whole lot of emotions. yet, at the same time, I currently just feel like a void. an empty shell who feels the emotions but not the effects of them. the emotions exist but have no impact currently. tho that doesn’t make sense to you does it? wow. to think I was all happy yesterday over that follower milestone. ofc I have to go and ruin my own mood again since that’s all I’m good for apparently. might just go to bed early at this point. take the rest of the night off. nothing else to do. it’s either sleep or leave myself with my thoughts--the latter of which would only lead to more stress and/or empty feelings. anyway. I don’t want you guys worrying abt me. you can feel bad for me, try to make me feel better, but don’t worry. worrying abt me would be a waste of time. I’ll live. just going through another rough moment all of a sudden. but as long as I have a purpose in this current life, I plan to see it all the way through. meaning I won’t physically hurt myself or do anything stupid over this, so don’t worry. my physical health is just fine. mentally, not so sure. probably shouldn’t be saying not to worry cause now you’re gonna worry. whatever, I’ve been typing way too much. said more than I probably should have. probably look like an overreacting emo teen. but I’m just gonna go to bed and try not to let these thoughts get to me. tho my brain is most active right before falling asleep most nights so I doubt that’d work. gonna have to go to school tomorrow. no use in arguing, it makes everyone feel worse. it’s just gonna be a slow, crappy day. at least wednesday is a half day and then we get the rest of the week off for thanksgiving. not that we’re gonna be celebrating this year, we cancelled out plans cause my grandma’s sick and we usually go over to her place where she cooks thanksgiving dinner. but certain smells make her nauseous and the whole thing would be too much of a hassle, so we cancelled that this year. I’m kinda worried abt her. haven’t seen her in a little bit and she has another surgery in december. no idea what kind of surgery but she’s in her 70s and has been sick before so. idk. I do know I’m concerned for her and also myself. my own mental state is a wreck and idk what to do abt it. but for now I’m gonna go to bed. sorry for taking up so much of your time, assuming anyone actually read this whole thing.))

#Out of control {ooc} #News report {update} #This is an illusion {aesthetic} #The sharpest of blades {kin} #long post// #negative// #no talking in the tags this time #the post says it all #going to bed now. see you guys tomorrow afternoon/evening #or night. not sure #if I'm not online tomorrow I should be back wednesday #sometime in the afternoon probably #but idk. hard to tell with all this shit going on. too much to think abt. #but like I said don't worry abt me. I'll worry abt myself #you guys have fun doing whatever you usually do #don't pay attention to the edgy kinnie in the corner #who's trying not to let their thoughts get to them #go abt your own things. live your own lives #let me be alone for a bit. maybe sleep these emotions off. #maybe school will distract me tomorrow idk. #wow I said I wasn't gonna talk in the tags yet here I am #but hey. I'm apparently delusional and have no idea what I'm talking abt #despite knowing very well what I'm talking abt after experiencing the most kinnected shift I've ever experienced over the past 6-ish months #I know I'm not delusional but I let the comment get to me anyway. #it was over a year ago. before this shift even began. before I discovered myself. #yet here I am letting it hurt me. #just. h. need sleep now. for real this time. #might update you guys on my mood tomorrow or wednesday. we'll see.

[whumpingstiltskin]

Neverland

// Some Rumple angst on what he was emotionally going through //

Gold released a sigh and stopped walking as Henry's voice was heard. Having no desire to talk To the child, he would duck away into a batch of plants So Bae and Henry could speak in privacy. Dropping to his knees, the Imp reached into his coat pocket and removed the Doll Felix had dropped him four days ago. The doll was a clear sign that Pan knew why he's here. The Egg breakfast negotiation only confirmed it. Now as he stared distantly , listening to Henry and Baelfire chatter and unite, a soft smile etched his cheeks. It was a beautiful reunion to over hear.

He wished desperately his reunion with Baelfire had been like that instead of the harsh accusations that instead had been passed. As he sat there, black leather against forest green grass, and the sound of crickets just dominated the air, Gold closed his eyes to focus on what to do. His plan had been to die, But Baelfire had just begged him not to. That wasn't fair. Getting Henry and Bae safely to Killian's ship should be top priority, however, there are options to contain his father. He chewed his cheek. There back in storybrooke, safely hidden under the floorboards of his shop, Like the speed of the winds and tides his memory swirled across the oceans honing into storybrooke and into his shop. There was a box. A delicate box of Greek mythology. The journey that is Pandora's box itself was a nightmare and a half of restitute to be told. Demons, monsters, creatures of the dark, Soulless , endless, blinding-darkness and wretched air of death, misery and untold physical pain rested inside that box.

But did his father really deserve that? Despite everything he still really loves his father and was finding this situation far harder than it needed to be. Hatred should fuel his soul against the man that had him sent away and stole his youth in the process. Rumplestiltskin had come back no longer mentally a child but a mature man with grief the day the shadow dumped him. Emotionally he had understood his father's decision to no longer want him. "I was never meant to be a father" Gold's eyes fluttered open, dark amber hues focused intensely on the doll in his hand. "Peter Pan is never coming home" his still small childlike voice echoed through the walls of his mind, and he found himself once more wiping a tear.

"Being abandoned is what you're good at isn't it? Milah and even your father... and now its Baelfire's turn..." Gold buried his face in his palm. Pan's words biting into his shattered mental state. What on earth is wrong with him? He hasn't been this emotionally vulnerable... since Belle's "death" almost 31 years ago. Regina's words came to his mind "He was horrid to her. He had her locked in a tower. He SHUNNED her" "Oh Belle...." a whisper finally escaped his lips, could he handle this trip any longer? Baelfire's confrontation was admittedly deserved. But at the same time It still had hurt more than anything. His son's doubt in his concious decisions... is he still a good man anymore? Or has darkness pledged all of whom he is?

As he had said to Baelfire earlier... He doesn't deserve Love. he's never deserved it. Depravity began to sink in as his darker impulses began to root over his strained emotional fire currently consuming his soul. He could feel the dark one within pledging him to get up. "Survival is the only thing that matters." the thought echoed the surface of his mind once more, The dark one must live on as an agent for a force that has no other form of representation to a race that has a hard time believing in it. Magic needs the dark one to exist, to continue to feed on the desperate pleas of a simple creation called the human race across the realms of time and space.

"No" He harshly whispered, squeezing the hay doll in his hand before realizing it made the strands fall lose of some of its binds. He stared at its simple made form. Why had his father kept it all these years? Did he care? "Kill, kill , kill. Slay them all, " his brain was screaming at him "Pandora's box" a seductive whisper in the back of his brain chimed in as well in perfect coo. "Your father is not the problem, they are" "Enough" he whispered again aloud. before closing his eyes once to focus on his inner war. "Henry will murder you" "Henry's my grandson. I cant kill him. He should be my life and the center of my world. And he retreived my savior for me. My curse would not have been broken so I could Find Bae if it weren';t for that blessed child! He should be my world right now. Not me. Not magic. Not this. This whatever it is".

Memories flooded him once more of the long last year since Emma;s arrival. "Emmma what a lovely name...." all his memories Had come racing back to him in that single second, the Queen would be outraged if she knew the infant's name had been his fail safe trigger... then this boy. The boy, the boy, the Boy. Henry, Henry , Henry , Henry.

The seer's words "This boy will not be all he seems...." "Your undoing...." Baelfire's scream as he fell down the portal "PAPPA!" "BAE!" Gold threw the doll against the tree and clung to his head. He cant' deal. This was to much. Far to much. Belle... She keeps appearing here, where was her entity now?! Pandora's box.......Regina. He stood up. Get Bae and Henry to Killian's ship then yes stay behind and obtain Pan.

"Henry is my undoing because he needs to save him from my father and my father is my undoing more so than Henry is. Henry is simply the purehearted victim that would lead to my death and that's what you meant. Isnt it?" He breathed in his thoughts, sending mental daggers towards the memory of the stitch ridden seer who had Destroyed his life through a tiny Riddle. A Riddle he allowed himself to be played by.

Riddles are the root of all evil because they play the mind into thinking but don't give satisfaction of yes or no answer. The Definition of Insanity- doing something over and over again, hoping for a different result. That is exactly what this is. Insanity at its best and finest. Neverland is a death trap of nothing But riddles, washed dreams, and toys the disatisfaction of a thirsty soul. Truth is irrelevant when you can dream up your own truth. Fine lines, white lies.

Gold Got up once more and walked over to the doll. Picking it up as he once more exited the premises of his mind to listen to Baelfire and Henry chat. Such a joyful reunion. Killian's ship Top priority. His son and grandson imminent, anything else is obsolete. "Belle Im sorry but I am not worth you, please let me go. Let me go...." He thought as he parted the plants and stepped back onto the beaten path. "Bae, Henry..." He adjusted his cuffs "Not to make your conversation short but he has spies everywhere. There';s more than a hundred boys on this island loyal to his whim and tonight we are his enemy and the prey of his game. "

He motioned his head and turned his back to them once more, Moving onwards into the black jungle. Honing on the location of Killian's ship.

#RumpleAngst #Emotional #neverland #peter pan #Rumplestiltskin

[dread-and-despair-dyke]

tired

.... theres no more escapism, it seems. and despair is the norm. what more? i think that i am getting closer to giving in to being just the most disgusting thing imaginable . but i am still painfully aware of peoples perceptions of me, still so so anxious , and so i can only half heartedly attempt to get better or get worse

i want to drink but it would just make me more nauseous :( the depth of this pain isnt novel anymore, i cant think to myself ‘oh, how terrible it feels’ anymore, because its felt this way for so long . and i dont see how it could get worse, emotionally. i think im low emotionally, and physically my health is kind of terrible because im lazy and eat too much and dont move . and so, mentally i start to deteriorate but only slightly, only enough that i can feel that i cant think anymore- but it wldnt matter how much anything deteriorated, because theres nothing in this world to help me or anyone else feel ok. we’re all doomed and everything is just trying to hope that we can work our way out of this if the people in power will listen, or trying to distract ourselves from the doom . it doesnt work. none of it does

#deepthoughtsTM

[commentairesnegligeables]

On the saying “be aware of your mental health”

⚠️Warning: triggering post ahead⚠️not for people with weak mind⚠️

Note that on this post everytime i said “help” it means therapist/people who say they are expert on mental illness. Of course, though, to seek help and company from people around you—friends, family, siblings, close people you know, when youre in doubt or struggling or feeling down or in need of support emotionally or anything, this doesnt have to be questioned—it is something of a must. Why? Cause humans are social beings. They are dependant to others. Therefore everytime i say “help” on this post i really just mean mental help (therapist/people who will diagnose you with mental illnesses).

The thing that i observed, of what causes mental health issue, is the inability to know the identity of oneself.

In order to live, the first thing one should know and make peace with isnt the environment, or family, or ones brain, or anything, but themselves.

Once someone cant do this, they simply become questionnable as an individual.

How can you be born in this world, have the ability to think of cracking down things to even the simplest, and yet you cant even deal with, understand, and know your own self—the thing closest to you? The thing that is actually yourself? The thing that matters the first?

It might seem like a pity, but more than it is a pity, it is an individual choice.

Every individual should deal with themselves. No one should tell them how, no one should tell them they “cant” and that they need help of drugs in order to deal with themselves. I feel that the moment they feel they cant, and that they need help, is the moment it becomes their choice, and that they have lost themselves.

Is losing oneself something good? Is it that when someone is depressed, i should have pity on them and treat them differently, even when its their choice?

People say its not their choice, but it is. It is ones fault that one lost temselves. Everyone is given intelligence, ability to think. What is this world? What is the purpose of this world? What is the purpose of me? What is right and wrong? With the ability, if someone still cant figure out life, once again, it is their choice.

One of the phrase that i found very dislikable is that we should be aware of our mental health.

What does that even mean?

We should be aware of our mental health, and then what? When i am sad, i can be sad, if i want to cry, i can cry, if i want to be upset and angry, let me be upset and angry, if i am happy, then let me be, if i feel deep sadness, no one can stop me, but someone can do all this without having to lose themselves. Someone can do all this while controlling it. What is this saying we should be aware of ourselves?

Should we be, sad and crying on the floor, sad and crying on our pillow, and then we question ourselves: am i in deep sadness? And then we seek the answer to someone else? Is this what “being aware” means?

How can someone else know us better than ourselves? Why should i believe someone who thinks they “studied” human psychology, whilst i myself am human and i am given the ability to control my psychology, telling me i am like this and like that.

No one can control their physical stuff, virus gets inside your throat and makes you sick, your kidney is worn out and you dont take care well so they malfunctioned, but how can mental—something that doesnt even have physical form, something that cant permanently unchange, wear out and leave you be just like that? It is not even something separated from you. It is you.

We should be aware of our mental health, that is right, but it means nothing. Everyone has done this ever since the first time human existed. It is not something new. Theyre always aware. Are they sad? Are they happy? Are they raising their chin high up and being brave?

The only difference is instead of questioning their ownselves, they control their own selves. Is controlling your ownself something forced?

No, it is naturality.

In the past, people seek for immortality, tales were told about this thing and that which can make someone immortal, in the past people lost their parents in young ages, go to war, and in Islam a hadith said one of sign of the end day is that people look at grave and say “if only i was the one that is in that place”.

I am not at all saying what happened in the past was all good, most were even bad, i will say. I am just saying people in the past lived in worse condition but they managed, and whats “glorified” is of cherishing life.

So, what caused everything to change?

1. The idea that people have had mental issues since long time but they “hid” it.

2. Glorification of mental health issues as if its really something urgent, when its not even something new (in the sense that, in most times everyones “mental health” is fine thats why we never thought about it much and only in this mOdERN thInkInG ScHEmE we are told to figure whether we are fine or not).

3. Individualistic, materialistic, atheistic, way of life.

My opinions on those:

1. Once again mental health is not diagnosed and then unchangeable, it is controlled. Someone can be a whiner and if theyre told to go to army they will be strong. It is built, it is trained, not given. In the past, in the future, this concept still hasnt changed that it thrills me whenever someone thinks mental health is not part of them and that they need someone else to “fix” it. If mental ilnness is such a big deal in lives of people of common society we wouldve heard much about it in the past about people who couldnt “function” or live like other people normally. We dont hear about them, much, because they were not told that they mightve had mental issues, instead they just lived usual. In other hand we know well that people in the past had physical illnesses—black plague, or anything, it was physically there and we heard it a lot. Or we mightve heard in some tales about people who were insane, crazy, outcasted. But NOT mass of people who couldnt function normally and deemed abnormal. Its because the truth is mental illness is nothing. Someone might have severe depression, or someone might have depression in lives, but chance to have severe depression is very low, and chance to have depression that makes you need medication is as low. You dont need medication. Just live.

2. The one that made it widespread, as ever, are leftists people. I just recently played tumblr but i have heard a lot about this tumblr movement that happened long time ago, lets call them SJW. SJW are social justice warriors and they went to tumblr, but i heard now theyre dominating twitter. So when they were in tumblr they think they were “quirky” and “unique” and they mostly were weird people. And on basis of political correctness they started bring about the idea that LGBT is fine. But not just that, this “be aware of your mental health” and post-modern feminism and “abortion is a choice” also started. Political correctness is so much of people who are too emotional and they use their brain and logic less. I know i sound biased, you can do research on your own if you want. I also have theory on how these people who played tumblr mostly were women, cause as far as i know around that time men played video games usually. But that will make it long.

Just im saying that this “be aware of your mental health” stuff doesnt just occur naturally as evolution/progress of advancement of thoughts. It was brought about politically, by people who think they are the most right, when they are the ones knowing things less, romanticize everything, they are like toddler who figure out new things and think that is what is most right, you can go to twitter and figure. This all though, is just my conclusion based on my own observation of the world.

3. Say no more, these all are just characteristics of the west, unfitting for outside of west world. Individualism rarely happens outside west (with exception) and people always have someone to tell problems to—friends, family, close people. Individualistic society will be more prone to not having anyone and therefore has to go to therapist to talk about their problem. Someone once said though religion cant stop mental health but that is such a joke. As i have stated, to know and control your own mental is to know yourself and your identity. If you are an ugly person and you dont think youre ugly, if someone says to you that you are ugly, then you will not even feel bad for yourself. If someone tells you we are living in void and that this world is so bad and that theres no point of living, if you understand those sayings are wrong, then you will not drown in the same bitterness as they do right? In this world and life everyone and everything will tell and say many things to you throughout your life, and if you cant even think on your own whether theyre right or should you listen to them, i dont even know how you live. Anyhow, the right religion will tell you purpose of life so if you are given purpose of life and you still feel life is so pointless, you are not taking the religion seriously.

I have quiet grown tired of writing, so i will just state what to do to help yourself so you wont eat all these pointless “be aware of your mental health” slogans:

1. Understand that psychology is not exact science and therefore not completely reliable. Sorry to break it to you. I myself am a hardcore unbeliever of psychological study. Unless someone cant think straight (insane), theres no need to rely on what psychology says about oneself. Its not even science. If biology says youre having cancer, then youre having cancer. But if psychology says youre diagnosed with this and that, its just cringe. How do you know? Is the “depressed cell” there and shows themselves to you through microscope? Psychologists dont even know sometimes that psychology is not exact science.

2. Psychology is not a unique or unreachable field. In the sense of its not worth to “understand thoroughly” about it that you think you need to ask expert if you dont. Rule about psychology is just: humans are divided into two, people who can think straight and cant think straight (sane and insane). As long as youre sane, you have the ability to control what you do and yourself. Thats all.

3. Know yourself and your identity. If you are asked, who are you? What is your identity? You should know. If not, youre a confused person and you will for sure think for nights if someone says to you “you are narcissist”, you will think you really are even when its not true.

4. Dont rely on forced positivity to escape fear of having mental illness. Forced positivity dont help😐just acknowledge out there people live normally without having to have so much positivity to survive. Why? Because too much positivity is not normal.... just be yourself and live

5. Fix yourself. Do you feel youre a narcissist? Do you feel you have one of those traits of being mentally ill? Then make those traits gone. Dont think that you are permanently mentally unstable and therefore need help. No. Help yourself first.

6. To feel is ok. Be sad, be happy, be angry, cry all you want. But just acknowledge that you can control yourself, cause you have ability to be sane. After letting those all go, youre fine again.

7. Everyone makes mistakes. Did you make mistake just yesterday? Did you make mistake that made whole world hates you? Its totally fine. Just promise to yourself, instead of to people, that you will improve and will not make the same mistake again. That is right, it reminds me,

8. Everyone feels what you feel. Do you some times feel deep sadness? Do you some times feel so hopeless that probably die is best thing? Do you feel things that you think people dont feel? Dont worry, everyone feels it in some times of their lives. Just cause someone looks fine the whole time doesnt mean they are in fact fine the whole time and doesnt feel like how you feel about stuff. This world is not really a good place so it will torture everyone. You are not different, so dont feel different. You are normal. Indulging in emotions thinking people dont feel the same emotion will just make you lose yourself. People are not fine in a day, and they will be fine in another day, and they feel happy in another day, its just life.

9. Dont live up to peoples expectation. Of course its not like if your parents want you to be good kid then you shouldnt live as good person. I mean to say, if society expect you to be like this and that, but theres no benefit in acting as they do, then nothings wrong with you if you dont do as they do. Just understand what is right and wrong and that is enough.

10. Be determined about your stance. Dont get easily influenced. Know what you stand for by thinking about it thoroughly.

11. Be comfortable with yourself.

12. You are who you think you are. Fake it til you make it. Be fine until you are really fine.

13. Youre the only one who can save yourself. People will help you, but the choice to be saved and become fine again can only be done by you. No one but your own self is going to come and “save” you.

My point of writing this is that, most people in the world are sane and not mentally ill/sick in severe sense til they need pSyChIAtrIsT help. One of question i heard much is that “so what if people think they have mental illness? Whats in it for you to judge them?” Well first of all it will create generation of weak minded people that think they need help for anything. Second is that i just feel sorry when someone who is fine mentally comes accross this kind of thing and they start thinking whether theyre “mentally normal” or not. One of the funny experience i had is when i was just googling on why cats are so cute and on quora someone says its because humans are masochist so they like cats biting and clawing them (and he got many votes)🤦‍♀️i really feel pity for him probably being sure what he said is true. If people are masochist, they will pet tigers or crocodiles instead. The truth is, hearing about probability of having mental illness without actually understanding it will make you paranoid. So i write this to let everyone know, that probability is the lessest thing. Unless you live in full tragedy, chance is you are fine and will continue to be so.

Indulging in psychology is not worth it if for common people, for people who have mental disturbance (crazy/insane) then ok but for commoners who once again have ability to think sane and are given intelligence, its such a waste of time to question whether one is “normal” or not. If you are able to think logically and know what is right and wrong then that is enough.

People are not so different from each other.

Even therapists who understand the truth will know that psychology and therapists are semi-real and therefore useless for common society unless in the case of people with severe cases

[werewolfwilds]

i redid an ask meme that i had originally done ~3 years ago to see the comparison so for archiving purposes im putting it in a lil journal entry here ! i wanna start doing small journal entries again it was fun when i did that

new answers bolded

1) what images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

my desktop bg is literally just…. a collage of kageyama manga screencaps a h a,,,, and my cellphone bg are drawings some gay drew me like 74724 years ago :v // my desktop rn is actually a background from one of the dmmd routes LMFAO..... idk which one it is but i’ve always liked those bg pics!! my cell lock screen is p5 art and my bg is leopika

2) have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

nooooope // nah

3) what was your last text message?

my phone is dead so i wouldnt be able to tell you lmfao i dont even remember // it was a gif from kelly lol

4) what do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

hopefully working a job i enjoy and making costumes and being happy!! // god i have no idea and it freaks me out... hopefully working,,

5) if you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

hoommee ((or at katsucon tbh)) // at the beach with friends maybe

6) what was your coolest halloween costume?

a white cat probably lmao // i dont think ive ever had a particularly exciting halloween costume but one year i was sharpay from high school musical and i think i peaked then tbh

7) what was your favorite 90s show?

uhhhh….. i didnt really… start watching tv until like… the 2000′s so i really cant tell you man lol // spongebob started in 1999 does that coUNT,

8) who was your last kiss?

(answer redacted) // :/ someone should kiss me so i can change this answer lmao

9) have you ever been stood up?

nope //  nah

10) favorite ice cream flavor?

vanilla w/ vanilla oreos ok u need to underst a n d // this hasn’t changed i haven’t had this particular ice cream in a long time but i still stand by it

11) have you been to las vegas?

nahh // nope

12) your favorite pair of shoes?

idk i have these black ones i wear everywhere lol // i have a pair of white sneakers that i refuse to stop wearing now

13) honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

i wouldnt even consider it. // no bc i’m not a piece of shit lmao?

14) what is your favorite fruit?

hmmm…. pineapple orrr…. strawberries but only if they’re the really good kind like they have to be perfect // pineapple!!

15) have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself  dating/having sex with? if possible?

….. ye s… yes. // in the past apparently so but thinking about it now nah lol

16) are you into hookups? short or long term relationships?

hookups arent my thing eh i prefer long term relationships altho i cant really say ive been in a “long” term relationship pffff // i don’t think hookups will ever be my thing, emotionally long term relationships are what i’m here for but i’m also a Very Impulsive Person so i cant tell you if this will stay a fact :’)

17) do you smoke? if so, what?

nope dont wanna // no thanks

18) what do you do to get over your anger?

usually talk to people or shout into word // i have to vent about it to someone probably a thousand times even months or years after it happens tbh

19) do you believe in god?

nahh // nah

20) does the person you’re in love with know it?

i aint in love with anyone rn so no? // i’m not in love with anyone.

21) favorite position?

………….. for w hat………. // oh honey lmfao... N/A

22) what’s your horoscope sign?

virgo/ox ovob // Virgo/sun, Aries/moon, Libra/rising and Cancer/midheaven

23) your fears?

literally everything i already named a few so ill name some others… ghh anything in… the ocean or lakes and stuff frightens me and i really dont know why bu tlike…. fish and crabs and jellyfish and seaweed cuz it’s evil and stu f f basically anything that’s not a mammal or turtles or penguins…. lo l im a baby // uncertainty is a big fear of mine and also people being mad at me lmao... as far as physical fears though i have debilitating fears of almost all insects/arachnids and lobsters/shrimp/crawfish :^)))))

24) how many pets do you have? what kind?

two cats and a dog!! // one cat one dog

25) what never fails to turn you on?

i dunno,,/////// // lol neck biting/kissing oof

26) your idea of a perfect first date?

im okay with mostly anything i just really like spending time with the person ; v ; // i’ve never really had an answer for this? thinking about dates has always made me so anxious for whatever reason but i’ll be happy to just spend time with them doing whatever honestly, i’m a super indecisive person aha

27) what is something most people don’t know about you?

i dont really know tbh lmfao // i’ve considered in the past looking into mental conditions (anxiety/bpd/etc) to see if i might have one or two but i never want to say anything about it because i don’t want to self-diagnose anything.

28) what makes you feel the happiest?

nice weather and nice conversations w/ best people u//v//u // nice weather and hanging out with people who are fun and easy to talk to

29) what store do you shop at most often?

does….. arda wigs count or… // does arda wigs still count bc mood lmao but truthfully now it’s probably target

30) how do you feel about oral? giving and/or receiving?

kkdkjsfkjkjfj??fsfj/// go for i t??? i have no problems with i t??? i dont think ill ever be willing to put a dick in my mouth though // these random sexual questions thrown in here are something aren’t they lmao. not going to disclose much but i will stand by the fact that i will not put a dick in my mouth lo l

31) do you believe in karma?

sometimes ye // i believe that people will eventually get what’s coming to them but i don’t believe in karma as a solid concept if that makes sense? like i don’t think it’s guaranteed

32) are you single?

yup yup // yeah it’s been wild lmao

33) do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

i think being sincere is the best way to apologize– if you truly mean it the person will know. you dont need to buy your forgiveness. // the best way to apologize is just to apologize sincerely and change your behavior if it’s applicable.

34) are you a good swimmer?

ehh??? im ok i guess– i took swimming lessons as a kid but i havent done legit swimming ever since then lmao,, ive always been best at the backstroke tho yea // i mean i have the ability to swim but i’m not olympic-worthy or anything lmao

35) coffee or tea?

ehhh im not big on either tbh // chocolate milk and you can fight me

36) online shopping or shopping in person?

depends what your shopping for i guess?? online is more relaxed i guess // online probably because shopping in person Gives Me Anxiety

37) would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

ehhh im happy where i am tbh // older

38) cats or dogs?

do not make me choose // cats and dogs* there i fixed it for you

39) are you a competitive person?

ahaa,,,,, oh god yeah,, // OOF yeah

40) do you believe in aliens?

i believe there’s life on other planets somewhere?? so i guess?? // i believe in aliens in the sense that there’s no way we are the only living life forms in the universe but not in the science-fiction way you feel me

41) do you like dancing?

i do but i suck at it lmao // i do but i: A- suck, and B- have no stamina

42) what kind of music to you listen to?

nearly everything tbh // i’m not picky when it comes to music but imma be real w u. almost all of the music on my phone is kpop. seventeen is my favorite group along with astro, and i also enjoy super junior, shinee, red velvet, etc among so many others,,, im pretty wide spread !

43) what is your favorite cartoon character?

i will never be able to pick just one // i’ll literally never be able to answer this

44) where are you from?

philadelphia uvu // philly!

45) eat at home or eat out?

hmmm at home. // at home

46) how much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i never plan on being drunk tyvm // i’ve never consumed alcohol in my life and to be Quite Fucking Honest i want nothing to do with it

47) what was the last thing you bought for yourself?

bracelets ! ; u ; // uh... excluding food and music... earrings i think

48) why do you think your followers follow you?

uhhhhhhh lmfao i have no idea i think… a good amount are for my cosplays at least?? or id like to think so lmfao but i really dont know pfft // my followers have just accumulated and hung around over the years... i know i gained a good amount from my snk days as arlert-the-troops and then through my haikyuu phase, whether it was for my cosplay or other posts that i made... whenever someone follows me now im not entirely sure what its for but i appreciate everyone who’s stuck around!

49) how many hours do you sleep at night?

it’s never regular man // 6-9 (lol) hours is pretty normal for me

50) what worries you most about the future?

everything tbh // the future as a concept worries me lol

#useless shouting #journal crap #sorry for so many personal posts lately ive been having fun with them lmfao

[for-the-love-of-life-lads]

Progress Report!

No weight today.

So, I followed a very similar diet to yesterday. I only ate my breakfast and my lunch (and I had chicken noodle soup for lunch which is only 180 calories). I had two bottles of water and two cups of coffee. I feel like my weight is going to be pretty good tomorrow!

I was actually really proud of myself today. You see, my mom always takes me shopping with her whenever she needs to go to the grocery store for anything she needs (eggs, creamer, etc..) but when we are there, she always wants to get a piece of cake because my dad isn’t there to berate us about what we can and cannot eat. I also think she uses cake and sweets as a coping skill for stress and for when she is feeling emotionally hurt by my dad. Usually, I will get a piece too because my dad stresses the fuck out of me too, but also because it sounds really good because I always crave sweet stuff, and my mom tends to try and peer pressure me into eating it as well because she feels bad eating cake in the parking lot by herself. But today, when my mom got a piece of cake because she was really stressed out I didn’t get anything. She was really trying to convince me to get one, but I told her that my stomach was in a lot of pain, but that she could totally get a piece and I wouldn’t judge her. I was really happy with this just because with my mom, I usually feel really guilty because she gets sad when I don’t get a piece. But I was able to stand my ground and supported her in the way that she needed me today which was just to be a sounding board and to talk to her while she had a piece.  The truth was, I didn’t really want it, not because it didn’t sound good, but because I am finally making progress with my journey! I finally liked how I looked in a tank-top for the first time in my life, and I didn’t want to throw that all away for a piece of cake that I wouldn’t even fully appreciate the taste of. I also didn’t realize how much my parents try to peer pressure me into bad habits. 

My dad? he constantly tries to make me eat things he wants because he doesn’t want to eat alone. He also tries to convince me to put aside my school work so that he has someone to talk to when he doesn’t want to do his work. He was also the one who encouraged me to take laxatives in the beginning for weight loss and that habit I haven’t even been able to quite. My mom? She needs food for comfort (that is probably why I use it as well) she always wants to take the day off, she doesn’t want to work hard until she absolutely has to, and will also try to convince me and my sister to take time off until we reach a time crunch. 

I think that this is why I kinda became the bitch that I am. I have an alarm for every workout, every lesson, every meal, every zoom, every time I have to wake up, every time I need to get ready for bed, I have some timers that I don’t even know what they are for anymore. I never want to stay up past 10 PM (unless its just my sister and I) I’m the one who makes sure everyone is up on time, I’m the one that will work ahead a week’s worth of work before I can even allow myself a break. I yell at people and freak out when I cant follow my schedule, if anyone tries to suggest a break or to take time off I am cold and distant the rest of the day. I exhibit OCD tendencies (the schedule thing, but also I get really scared when I don’t check my phone alarms and turn my ringer on and off 5 times before I go to bed, I get scared that someone will steal my parent’s car if I don’t lock it 6 times, my breakfast is ruined if I don’t use a specific plate group or the right spoon, etc.). I think from my parents being kinda like teenagers my whole life and not having a consistency within their lives made me feel the need to be consistent in every aspect of my life. That’s why I try and be so constant with this journal thing and my abs workouts. Sure, I could take a break. But what if I let myself slide the next day too? What if I start eating unhealthy again? I am in soo much fear of not following a schedule that’s all I know how to do or want to do.

My parents have actually gotten mad at me for being a hard-ass. It especially drives my dad crazy because it means that I won’t just do whatever he says. When he wants to order pizza and I ask if I can have the left over piece of chicken in the fridge, I think it makes him mad that I can’t let go of my habits and loosen up. But I get mad because I think that if he had any kind of responsibility or accountability I could learn to loosen up. I need to be the bitch of our house because if I’m not? No one will be. Then my parents get mad over little things and will fight and someone will get hurt and I can’t let that happen. Then, when I feel like my dad might get angry (which might lead to violence or isolation until he feels like his done pouting) or I will make my mom feel guilty and alone (like she feels with my dad already) I give into the peer pressure. At least, I used to. 

Now, I feel more like an adult and I am about to go to college. Starting myself out with healthy habits is much to important to me now for me to just give in anymore. Now, I am doing some things that help me mentally, as well as physically. This blog/ journal has helped a lot. It helps me get out the feelings and issues that I struggle with everyday, and help keep myself in check food and habits wise. I realized how bad my water intake is, and how bad my food intake is. Not to mention my constant use of laxatives  to try and loose weight in an unhealthy way. I’m learning how to get a treat (like when I got my sandwich) and enjoy it without eating everything in the world on top of that, saying ‘fuck it’ to all my progress just because I ate a sandwich. I also think that this helps to give me a reason not to do that. If I feel like I am reporting what I do at the end of the day, then I feel like it helps me remember “hey, don’t everything or you’ll have to admit it to everyone on the internet and yourself as you type it out”. Obviously I shouldn’t only keep doing well because I feel like others wouldn’t approve, but I feel like if I can do that enough, then eventually it will just become a mentality like how I didn’t want the cake because I liked how I looked in my shirt on Saturday. Eventually, it will add up and I will be living a more healthy life style.

Does anyone else believe in subliminal stuff? I found these subliminal videos for weight loss where they are supposed to work just by listening to them. I honestly don’t know what to think, but I think that to a certain extent they help even if it is just the placebo effect at work you know? I feel like the mind is a powerful thing, and if they are just BS then I haven’t really lost anything just my listening to them. I usually listen to them while I’m calming down from my abs workout before bed, and while I write these posts. I used it one time, and I saw dramatic weight loss (I think like two or three pounds) but I also worked out hard that day. So, because I wasn’t able to isolate anything in specific, and I still wanted to continue to loosing weight I decided to keep it in my schedule. So now I just listen to these things and I hope that they help retrain my brain a little. If not, no harm no foul you know? I do little things like that. Like when I think of something where I want good luck, I cross my fingers until I stop thinking about that event. If I do think about that thing without crossing my fingers, then I’m pretty sure that it won’t happen and that I will have the worst luck. Its kinda like knocking on wood not to jinx something. Sometimes, I can get away with a quick crossing of the fingers if I squeeze extra hard on my fingers when doing it, like I’m forcing the luck out. The weird thing is, I’m not even that super stisious  . I don’t believe in ghosts or curses or supernatural things like that. However, my brain is just like “you know I think your wright about this... but just in case!”. I used to do similar things like that when I was little, but now it’s gotten to a little bit of a crazy point with some things. Like I have woken up with my fingers asleep because I was worried about something I was thinking about before bed. I also don’t know which subluminal videos work, and which ones don’t and how many times I need to listen to them for results so I end up listening to almost an hour of them just to e safe because I’m pretty sure that they won’t work if I don’t.

Anyway, thanks for listening. sometimes it just feels good to talk about things I’ve never told or talked about with anyone and realizations that I have and can’t tell anyone. It’s like having a good friend I suppose. I’ve never had anyone that close to talk to, but it’s nice to feel like someone is listening even if they aren’t actually. I think that I’m going to have a really good weight tomorrow! Yay!

See you tomorrow! Have a great night!! :)

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

04.23.2021

Dear G, 

Today when we are able to talk it was a blessing for me . It was another moment for growth , understanding and developing a deeper sense of intimacy with each other . From out of something that could have continued to be negative, as we both have done in the past, instead framed by our commitment we both share to ourselves, each other and to our relationship, we were able to both express ourselves openly, honestly and with a deeper sense of understanding than ever before during any time i personally believe . I know that sometimes its hard to see the progress into being the change that we both seek in becoming our healthier more secure selfs but I also know that this type of conversation that we had today would not have been possible even a few months ago. Firstly , i do take full responsibility and remain accountable for my actions; both good and bad. They’re all my choices and I am responsible for them . I will never shy away from being responsible to myself and you in the relationship that I am committed to. Yes, last night I did regress, I did act in the way that was the old me, the me that was not about the change that i want to be now and the change that I am becoming . Yes I did act in a way that was not consistent with who I am now . I was acting in a way that I am not happy being any more . I didn’t like that person that i was last night. I hate being that person. I was passive aggressive, tried to control the situation and you, I didn’t express my feelings in a emotionally intelligent manner, and I lied to you . I don’t like being that person and I’m not that person anymore .But i did regress last night and I accept that was me . I am responsible and accountable for my actions and I am deeply sorry and ashamed of how I acted . Nor do I want to simply ever forget how I came from that mentality before and how I always have to remain hyper aware of my own emotional state so that I continue to act in a way that is consistent with where I am and who I am striving to be now in my life. I also did regress by spiralling for a bit and not respecting the space that you asked for and I kept messaging you . That is not the I want to be anymore either. 

I really do know though now where it comes from and I’m hyper aware of my behaviour now . Even after I stopped messaging you that same night, while I was trying to get my emotions in check and regulate, even then I was fairly quickly able to get some perspective on my situation. The next morning when I woke up i had that excitement i always do now when the first thing i do is message you . Then I had this sinking feeling as I recalled the exact events of last night . What specifically happened isn’t even important and to be honest, doesn’t really matter. My emotions that were happening at that time and how I choose to act on them is what matters. At that that I was upset and angry. Honestly it was so late too and I was tired. Really tired. No excuses . No sob stories . No trying to make you feel bad or guilty for me . No victimizing myself . None of that . Not now . Never again . Not ever . I am accountable for my actions. This process is me understanding myself better so I one day can hope to make better choices when I am tired , stressed or anything really . Life isn’t always a rose garden and it is important to be the change regardless of the circumstances. I failed here at this time, but I am here and I am seeking to understand how and why . The how and why of myself so I can understand in what way I need to grow from these situations. I was tired. I wasn’t thinking with my best mindset at the time. I was hurt that you didn’t want to go to sleep with me and wanted to watch that show. Now what I should have done is just expressed that to you in a emotionally responsible manner. But I didn’t. I just wanted you to do what I wanted. I wanted to control the situation and you. First I tried to make you feel bad, then I became passive aggressive when that didn’t work, then I became avoidant as a tool to have you chase me, then i tried to manipulate and lie, then when all else failed I became my anxious attachment again and I spiraled. Until I stopped. Thats it . That really is how it all went down . I understand that is not who I am now nor who I want to be again, but I also recognize that healing and growing is a pathway that can go both ways. I regressed that night . I choose to act in a way that I used to for so long rather than be the person I am now and want to always be. Its strange how it seems so easy to slip back into old patterns at the time of the moment. I know that if i hadn’t of been as tired I would have chosen differently but I didn’t and thats what happened . You know what though? It takes the exact same energy mentally and emotionally to act in a way consistent with the change I am seeking. Its just different energy and most importantly perspective. I had perspective so quickly and I saw my errors so quickly. 

Now even further back, if I continue to step back even further to get more perspective its not surprising that i acted in that way . I was having a tough day that day through a whole bunch of events that I didn’t deal with emotionally in the mature responsible way that i am practicing nowadays. I had anxiety come and go throughout the day . I kept trying to combat it . The first time it popped up you knew about it because I openly and freely talked to you about it . I shared myself with you without any fear and was vulnerable with you about my feelings. When the homeless person threw the food at my car . You know what was the best thing about that experience. Is that even though I ended up later shutting down and regressing your advice to me was very good as it always is. I’m always amazed at your emotional maturity. The exact advice you gave me was the advice I was listening to on a podcast just that day and earlier. Don’t let it affect because its all perspective and its you don’t know what he was going thru. That was huge and I won’t forget that. No matter what. But then my anxiety kept popping up and instead of sharing with you I shut down and tried to shut it in. I was anxious about COVID, about us, about the end of the month, about my career, about , about, about , about , about. Now I didn’t do the self care that I usually do. Usually I self talk, I do voice memos, I talk to you openly about things , If I can I journal or make a plan to journal later. I just let me fear of being judged by you for my anxiety and insecurities get the better of me. It’s was just me battling me though. Because now in the bright light of day I know that if I had of just opened up to you, you would have been supportive and reassuring because that is love and that is exactly what I would do for you if the tables were turned. Its funny how far down the rabbit hole I can go mentally to place that makes absolutely no sense but without any perspective i cant see it at the moment. So  yesh, being able to sit with my anxiety and understand it is very important to my mental health. In the past I’ve been able to work through and had successes. I even think earlier in the week, I had a huge breakthrough about the same thing. But as we both know healing and changing is a pathway . So I didn’t do the work that day. I put my energy into my anxiety. I know that . I see that . I understand that. 

There is good in this though. Being able to openly talk with you the next day in day framed by our commitment to our relationship and deepening our healthy secure patterns through communication really was the win for this situation . Healing and changing isn’t perfect like everything else. Mistakes happen . Reconciliation and asking for forgiveness has to happen right after though and accountability. We both came together and did just that . I know and you know that we are both able to see how far we’ve come since we’ve started to make our story together. This couldn’t have happened a year ago , 6 month ago, even a few months ago both seperately and together. I know there is lots of work that will always have to be done but this is it . Also being able to let go of things once they have been resolved and really move forward is something that I am committed to now. I am committed to being responsible for my emotions, for my mood, for my actions, for my happiness, for love , for everything. You are responsible for yours. I realize that now so much. That is why before I used to never be able to let things go whenever we got into arguments. I used to spiral for so long. Even days. Things would just stay with me. I was always so hung up and triggered on what you thought of me after. I was always afraid that you would think less of me or love me less or think I’m not worthy anymore of your love . I would obsess over it and it would eat me up . I know now that is not the way. Its not the way because when true forgiveness occurs it first starts with forgiving myself and then asking for that same forgiveness from you. That is all I can do . The rest is your choice and I have no control nor do I try to over that. When that happens I physically feel better, I feel lighter. I am responsible for my actions, for my emotions, for my happiness, for loving myself. Thats it . Nobody else is. Not you . Nobody. When I do love myself in a healthy way I am able to transit that love unconditionally and without any expectations. That is the change I am working on becoming more and more. In that I can let go of my fear of being judged not worthy by you because I can’t control that. The only thing I can do is love me and love you like I love me . Yesh , I am not perfect and I make mistakes but just as I love you the exact way you are , mistakes and all, I trust that you love me just the way I am, mistakes and all. I feel good about this and I this is where I want to be . Right here. With You. 

I love you.

I love you for you. 

I will always seek to reconcile and accept when I have made mistakes.

I will also let go of my fears and just love. 

[winterywitch]

I just want to say that I really admire the depth you put into your OC's and your confidence in talking about them! I'd like to learn more about them, but I'm on mobile and it isn't letting me search the tags, so... are there any W@tchtower Grotto characters you haven't talked much about that you'd want to talk about?

oh!! ;-; gee thank you.......................

uhhhhhhh gee idk why but it feels like i dont have an actual comprehensive post on who/what nana actually is bc most of my friends know him very well already? so here’s that

hes like... early 30s?? in terms of appearance/maturity, hes the godking of the country in midnight

nana is uh... certainly a rebel at his core thats one way to put it, a lot of core things about him for better or for worse challenge the status quo. he thinks this is a good thing 100% of the time, like he’s some kind of radical rebelling against an oppressive norm on every single norm he challenges. (its not)

he is RIDICULOUSLY people-smart, hes likely an empath and could easily be called a genius when it comes to reading people and understanding how people tend to work.

if he were a dnd character he’d be a sorceror, he casts from charisma not intelligence [though he is certainly NOT lacking in that department]

hes definitely considered the leader of his little commune of kings [involving desiderius, hachi and kyuun], those three tend to defer to him and seek him out for advice [well. they mostly Used to now its just hachi that does that last part]

he sees himself as a teacher and guide to people, which isnt inaccurate necessarily!

hes very good to his people, his country as a whole is doing pretty well financially, there’s a vibe there of everyone taking care of one another! not to mention the fact that its lovely visually

he’s right about most things and he’s comfortably aware of the fact that he’s right about most things. but hes open to being corrected! he cant possibly be right about everything ALL the time!! he just has to consider you an authority on what youre talking about, which is something he very rarely considers other people to be, or he might just ignore your correction. but sometimes he wont, which makes you feel kinda silly for pointing out his tendency for hypocrisy! how confusing. it’s hard to keep up with this one.

he, like all of his colleagues minus desiderius, thinks he is the only Good King while all the others are complete messes who dont know what theyre doing or are just flat out bad people. but like, yknow, its a fucked up dysfunctional family! that’s totally normal, right??1/11

something about him just makes you think “theres a guy who knows his shit,” its probably his sturdy [outward] confidence, his [appearance of] wisdom, his [very real] intelligence and his long list of supporters that make you think that about him

his hair is weird as shit! there are ‘stars’ in it that glow, not BLINDINGLY bright but i mean yknow, they do glow, and where theyre embedded in his hair theres increased physical sensitivity. pulling on this guy’s hair fucking HURTS, even petting it can be uncomfortable if youre not really really careful. not to mention a fucking haircut, good lord (haha)

his parents were kind of like... very emotionally shallow, they were the sorts of people to be like Oh I’m Fine ^_^ at everything, and in subtle and hard-to-detect ways, they would punish nana for showing emotion of any kind (for example, laughing at him when he would cry at sad things as a child). because of this, he is now very open about his emotions and embraces them as something he should listen to and follow rather than only relying on cold logic as his parents tried to have him do. (its a lot more sinister in practice than it sounds, because yeah most of the time it is innocent like this but at the same time, he takes his own feelings VERY seriously and if you hurt them, even if it’s just by having boundaries, he will identify you as someone mistreating him or even abusing him depending on how close you are]

[heres where we get into The Shit, big tw for abuse, csa/pedophilia and “marital” sexual abuse/assault]

his closest friend and advisor arya kurosawa has been his best friend since they were both teenagers. they met when arya was 14 and nana was 17 [in terms of appearance/maturity are what those ages refer to, they were both immortal] and they got along very well.

of course by very well i mean on top of getting along very well, nana has ALWAYS had an inherent, base-level disrespect for arya’s boundaries. it’s been there since they were teens, and it mostly manifested in nana pressuring arya to do [mostly innocent - but the pressure and coercion made them not so innocent] things he was scared to do.

they were inseparable pretty much ever since they met and VERY, very in love with each other

they definitely were a romantic item by the time nana inherited the throne from his mother, and the age gap was definitely concerning but it only grew more concerning as nana’s mental/appearance age rose because he was growing up emotionally and psychologically and arya’s... stagnated.

when nana was in his early 30s so to speak, arya was stuck at 14-15 or so. and like... they didnt really see anything weird about that, they figured “well we both met when we were kids so its not like nana is a pedophile or anything, why question something so good?”

to someone who didnt know better wrt age gaps in romantic relationships and pedophilia, the relationship between those two would have looked completely normal and healthy. there was certainly an appearance of mutual respect, support, love and commitment

nana could only treat a 14-15 year old so much like his equal. to be totally honest, even since they were teenagers, nana treated arya like his inferior, like a student that needed to be taught, and that dynamic only grew/got worse as nana aged mentally.

but at the same time arya also taught nana so many things! see? nana wasn’t some condescending prick! obviously everything is fine. there were a lot of ways sometimes in which ARYA was the adult and nana was the child ^_^ so it’s equal, right?

arya certainly didnt know any better, nana was the love of his life and that was all there was to it. he knew [because of nana] that any discrimination they might face due to their ages in this relationship was simply unfounded, cruel bigotry from a species of essentially cavemen who were afraid of fire. he knew he was progressive for his time, in a couple decades probably everyone else would come to their senses too!

long story short, one day arya very quickly, almost violently realized EXACTLY everything that was wrong. nana’s condescending behavior had come to a head and someone arya considered a playful rival had forced him, very painfully, to face the truth of what this relationship was: abuse from a man who should know better, taking advantage of a boy who didnt.

arya couldnt exactly love nana after realizing this. and it really fucking sucked. he really wanted to go back to the way things used to be, he wanted to “undiscover” what he’d discovered, but there was no way back and he felt so broken and dirty and ungrateful and bratty and selfish for suddenly feeling this way.

nana on the other hand noticed arya very suddenly averse to being touched or held or even looked at. for a while, he was very understanding about this - what that playful rival did was essentially cast a spell and at first he thought arya was just sick or physically not well or something, and that he’d get better soon.

he didn’t.

nana didn’t know what to do. suddenly arya was neglecting him, acting like he was terrified of nana. he’d never been like this before, what happened? it’s incredibly painful and confusing, losing the love of your life like that; one day you’re everything to them, and the next they’re flinching every time you raise your hand around them. nana had never hit him or abused him verbally... in fact, it was nana who HELPED ARYA gain the strength and courage he needed to become independent from his emotionally abusive parents. so why was nana suddenly the bad guy? he had no idea what happened, why, how to fix it, or anything like that.

eventually he snapped, unable to take being deprived of love and attention like this, so he just took whatever he wanted, physically, not caring what arya thought of it.

he knew it was wrong. he knew he’d definitely crossed the line into objectively unforgivable actions. but he was almost too afraid to stop and relinquish this power over arya, because then he had to A.) lose arya, and B.) be held accountable for his actions. both two very terrifying things he saw no personal gain in.

that went on for a long time, until nana sort of... slowly realized he was feeling weaker and weaker, more prone to physical weariness dizziness, severe headaches and nausea, and he didn’t put 2 and 2 together until it was too late.

arya had figured out how to start poisoning him and getting away with it.

by that point, nana realized not just what was happening and why, but also that he unquestionably, factually deserved this pain and much, much more. that realization was too much for him, it sort of broke him psychologically for a very long time, leaving him completely helpless to whatever revenge arya decided to take on him

[it was all physical and psychological torture, but arya was certain NEVER to stoop to his level and sexually abuse nana. he couldnt even think of sleeping with nana “consensually” anyway, it made him horribly sick to even consider]

eventually after a long-ass time of this, arya just got sick of looking at nana and couldn’t even be around him anymore without feeling absolutely god-awful, so he just abandoned nana, leaving him to fester in his broken body and mind

and y’know, stuff happens after that, but thats all there really is to the most prominent phase of nana’s development in THIS story. i also play him in his phase of development after that last bullet point [roughly 200 years later], where he’s fucked up in all kinds of ways and totally deserving it, but also trying to... not really redeem himself or anything like that, he knows that’s not really a thing, but rather to make himself useful to good people who want to do the right thing, in a dnd campaign

nana goes through a SHIT TON of changes, to the point that each phase of his development has his own individual profile on toyhou.se, he’s become a Big Trauma Coping Character for me and somewhat an experiment in redemption arcs, seeing what exactly should happen and how to make “redemption” arcs seem not cheap or forced

here’s the one i talked about in this post though

http://toyhou.se/335049.nana-of-the-stars

#kara's charas #w@tchtower grotto #mind the warnings! #misstooni

[momentofclearity-blog1]

Preface

Let Me Be CLEAR....... The first time I talked to her she told me she thought I set her up. Wouldn't stop shaking my hand & asked if she could touch my hair. She offered to give me her black card when she asked & said that Solange would be disappointed in her. I smiled to keep from blushing cause & then she told me she liked my smile which made it worse. I started falling in love with her. Unintentionally. Which felt like it was the way things were supposed to go. But there was one problem: It was way too soon. So even though I loved her, I never said it. I blame that on my past. I never told her about the paranoia of having her walk out on me the way exes, the way my god mom, the way Reba did. So I never said it. I wanted to, but could literally see her drift away from me the very moment I said it. It didn't help that she would tell me about dreams she had about me. Being in bed with me. Being pregnant with our kids. That shit made it worse. But every time that dangerous word fixed itself upon my lips, I just covered my mouth & laughed to try to not make her think I was hiding anything; the very thing I was doing. And then one day, she said it. And I felt liberated for only a second. The very next second, she hit me 🤣. Not in a way to cause pain, but in an effort to show that she was in awe and had been doing the EXACT same thing that I had been doing. I laughed, talked about it in dramatic fashion which I'm great at, & immediately realized that this was something unlike anything else. My sister, my Best Friend, both strong women. Both huge influences on me. Both gay. So in essence, they are my outlets. Usually for the bad however. Neither one had ever seen me IN LOVE. Both mentioned it before I even had the audacity to say it myself. Both marveled at the opportunity to meet the person that had changed the woman they had known and loved for years. Both told me to hold on to this one because my words, my actions, my thoughts about her showed them that she was going to be the one that would be here for the long run. And I listened to that. Thought about what kids would be like WITH her. She has hers. I have mine. But collectively, what would OURS be like. And she immediately agreed to carry them. Immediately agreed to give in completely to me and over me the opportunity to have a som and daughter of my own. I loved Devaughn. She loved Christian but she hated Aubrey. So the thought of Devaughn & Samara became more and more prevalent. I didn't want another daughter, but thats what she saw so I went with it. I never told her that women frighten me. That the idea of somebody hurting a woman in my life was so terrifying to me that I would risk my life and my sanity in a heartbeat to save hers. I have daughters, she has daughters, & I would have her. 6 women including Samara that would make me show up to every gun show in the city to update my artillery, making sure that there was never an opportunity that someone could hurt them. Whether it be mentally or physically or emotionally, I immediately jumped into this role of protection and would stay in that role for the rest of my life and would risk whatever had to come as a result of me neutralizing any situation that came to them rather than them have to deal with any heartache or turmoil similar to anything I have had to in the past. Honorable Right? WRONG! She didn't want that. She hid things from me and told me that she would continue to because she didn't want to tell me anything that would cause me to be taken away from her. Amazing, yet disturbing. I'd play the criminal justice trained "what if" game for hours at a time thinking of what would happen if I found out something did happen and what my initial response would have to be to make sure that she didn't think I was about to go into the city & kill whoever did it. And something happened. And I was gone. 1,622 miles away to be exact. And I lost it. But I couldn't tell her. So I told the people close to me. The ones who I had done things for in the past that looked at me as family, owed me something, or promised that they would take care of any situation, just name it. So I had a city of goons looking for a person I only knew by name. Nothing else. No location. No clue what they looked like. What they drove. NOTHING! Just "I need yall to find _________." They knew what that meant. No RIP but there wouldn't be a repeat either. I've always been a protector but something was different with her. Something made me be more open with her than I may have been with others or may have understood to be because she seemed to have been ready to give herself to me. Not only in a sexual manner but in a she was ready to meet my family, asked me to tell my daddy about her, told me what type of wedding she would want and what my responsibilities would be to make sure that her second and my first wedding would be our last. Once again, Im in love with this girl. My best friend was my reassurance. And she was happy. She's never happy with my situations because they NEVER end well. But she was happy. And couldn't wait to meet her. And she was thrilled when I told her that she would eventually be my Maid of Honor. "I'd be your Maid of Honor?!?! Wow! Sandy, you're in love with her for real!!" Im 20 years, we never had a conversation like that. But this beautiful woman that I had gained in my life changed something for me. But then I lost her. I let my issues in my past and some issues I never had an opportunity to address get in the way one too many times. Each time, I somehow had an opportunity to get her to let me back in. I have this habit of asking questions. Sometimes its because of things I see. Sometimes I get nervous and paranoid & assume the worst in situations because thats what I know. And now I'm the sickest i've been since I came back from Denver. And as bad as I want to be back at day 1 with her, I dont think I have a chance to get her to let me back in. She doesn't trust me. Honestly, I don't think she ever did. Prior to January 2nd, I never gave her a reason not to trust me. But maybe in the back of her head, she thought she couldn't or shouldn't. Thought that everything I had told her may have actually been game rather than true feelings. But I had hoped the silly shit she saw in her past two relationships she wouldn't assume would show up in me, just like I tried to not think of the silly shit from my past two & assume that she would so those things as well. So when she put me on a "90 day hold" I truthfully never cared. I would have waited longer, cause I fell in love with her well before I even left Harrisburg to go to BWI to fly to DIA. She told me to runaway a long time ago. And I told her I wouldn't. All the while, I think I might have made her do exactly that.... But I somehow got her to let me back in. Got her to tell me she loved me again. Showed her that the mistakes I made were due to me needing help versus me needing to lose her. And rather than talk about it, I made the attempts. But what Black people often fail to realize, is that mental illness is real. It cant be prayed away or rebuked. Anxiety & Depression is real. I felt it as a child. From 9 to probably about 13, and then ever so often between then and almost 30. But those two together are a dangerous combination. The paranoia felt from those two causes me to get confused and ask questions. Often repeats. Often unnecessary. But I ask questions nonetheless. Rather than shut down & not talk about it or ad-lib and put myself in an even worse situation; i ask questions. The questions to me were harmless. She told me to speak up when I had issues and I did... in the form of a repetitive question. I thought I was doing the right thing. She thought I was starting some shit. We were both wrong. But in my fear and paranoia and confusion, I lost her again 😔 For what its worth, I never meant to hurt her. Did I mention I met her in 2014? I said then that eventually I would get her. That once I had a chance to really talk to her, i'd get her attention. Once I got her attention, I just wanted to keep it by any means necessary. And in repetitious fashion, I fell in love with her & started working to figure out how to spend the rest of my life with her. But I lost her, so now I'm trying to figure out how to live without her. She agreed to watch my favorite show, How To Get Away With Murder. She saw my favorite couple, Wes & Laurel. He more I watched, the more I realized how much we had in common with them. The good & the bad. But the good outweighed the bad so it didn't matter. All I knew was I wanted to be Wes & wanted her to be Laurel... but we see how that turned out 😔😔😔😔