#'you people must be fucked up if you think i'll ever cheat on my wife'

[chateautae]

okay so i read teddy anon's little snippet and honest the A C C U R A C Y is uncanny. maybe one day when mid!tae comes back from work, she lures him into the bedroom and then ties his hands and legs and gives him the most mind-blowing sex of all time. tae was turned on before from seeing his wife being the dom and this did not help decreasing the horniness in any way. After the sex, oc holds tae's chin and tells him, "if you ever think of cheating, remember this night and you will remember what you will miss."

NAURRR ANON THIS IS SO ACCURATE TOO!! Like i imagine mid tae being so confused as she dominates him but then so mesmerized by her words that he's just left utterly speechless. Or just imagine her holding his chin and saying 'you're mine, never forget that.' LORDDDD Y'ALL ARE MAKING THIS DRABBLE TOO GOOD LIKE AT THIS POINT ALL YOU LOVELY READERS SHOULD WRITE IT!!

#LIKE YES WIFEY OC OWN YOUR HUSBAND!! #TELL THAT MAN HE AINT GOT NO BUSINESS CHEATING!! #not that mid tae ever would like if that man had a choice between cheating on his wife or saving the world #he'd happily let all of humanity die LMAO #'you people must be fucked up if you think i'll ever cheat on my wife' #<<< his words not mine #sammy's inbox #fic: maybe i do #anon

[keefsteef]

soooo i know i’m already lining your inbox with my reblogs but i simply MUST know your favorite song off of each van halen album 🤩 !!! you can also tell me the songs you aren’t particularly partial to as well if you wanttt but no pressure 🤭🤭🤭

ilyyyy and keep dragging our dearest boys through the mud 😍😍😍

HI XOXOX ✨🤩✨

This was SO DIFFICULT 😭☠️ but anyway let's get into ittt...

VAN HALEN:

I am 100% a trooper for ain't talkin bout love. I do sometimes cheat on her for jamies cryin...but I always come home 😩‼️ I just can't ever get over the riff, the bassline, the drums, and David sounded SO REALLL!

It forever will have me by the ankles 🛐. As for what I didn't like on the album, I really don't have a song in particular. I know I had to warm up to atomic punk, but even before warming up to it I still did quite enjoy it.

VAN HALEN II:

OUTTA LOVE AGAIN 😩‼️I looooove when I can clearly hear David is full on feeling himself and confident, and I think it really shines here. And lmaooo I don't know what sort of pokey poke tappity tap shizzle frazzle bam bam Edward even did on that solo, but whatever it was, unsecured my edges 🛐 he DID THAT. I also found the drums and bass a slay.

Light Up The Sky also had a PRETTTYYYYY SNATCHWORTHY FALSETTO MOMENT ON IT THOUGH 😩 I'll give David a win there. As for a track I didn't like, once again, not really one I didn't like.

FAIR WARNING:

Push Comes To Shove is my wife and we frequently go out to dinner and take lavish yacht trips 😩❤️ I love her so 🌼

No but seriously...I don't like it when people say David couldn't ever sing because PERSONALLYYYY this is an example that that's absolutely not the truth. He was so wonderfully husky here, and that outro where he went AHHHHH or whatever, was the moment.

Edward did his thing with the guitar on this song too, I can't ever get the solo out my mind, I even hear it while buying butter or whatever 😭☠️ the bassline and drums were also stellar, and I love how the lyrics seem a bit more invasive than usual. To ME it sort of contradicts David's "lol I don't take relationships seriously" monicker...

Babe clearly someone hurt you , we all hear it 😭‼️

One foot out the door pissed me off a little because it's too fucking good to be that damn SHORT ! 👺... BUT once again... nothing I had any particular qualms with.

WACF:

Loss of control is my ride or die 🤩, It sort of to me just wraps up van halen as a whole. It feels all over the place, anxiety inducing (like David's fashion), and chaotic. Them-core. Plus Alexander beat those drums like they talked shit about his mama 😩 I enjoyed that.

I will admit that I am a recovering everybodywantssomehater 💔 it used to make me feel like David was chasing me through some Amazon forest trying to make me drink an elixir, and I was NOOOOT FEELING ITTTTT. BUT... around the 13th listen I decided you know what, open your mind, it's not that bad, and I like the song now.

Mostly just for the guitar but 😭 I'll come around.

I'm now realizing I fucked up the order of albums but I do not feel like doing all the copy pasting and moving around 🔪 so let's proceed...

DIVER DOWN:

Secrets my beloved...I've found that I love when David SINGS. His messing around and random screeching is cute and cool or whatever, but I trulyyyy enjoy when he shows versatility vocally. I loved what he vocally did here. Michael, Edward and Alexander ate as per usualllll that's no surprise, but David really is what swayed me to this song.

Not that I don't like itttttt but I'm still warming up to oh pretty woman. I think I've just got to be in the mood for it. Or maybe I'm so accustomed to the Roy version, I don't know, but I'll keep updated hahaha.

1984:

GIRL GONE BAD! I LOOOOVE the guitar drums and bass here, David did his thing. I haven't got much else to say in depth , but this one I definitely listen to more than jump. Nothing on the album I've got qualms with...

5150:

Dreams 🥴, Samuel SANGGGG and did what he needed to do, and I loved that Edward got to do his thing with the keyboards. I also love the songs message! I also enjoy best of both worlds though...

I NEEEEED to re-listen to the last 4 albums actually before I decide on those, I'll be sure I make a separate post about it 🤩❤️ thank you for the ask and I DEFINITELY WILL CONTINUE TO DRAG THEM TO FILTHHHH 👺👺👺👺 love yew too

#asks

[dontlikeadam]

Evermore

My personal scoring system. 0-10 on how related to Matty and the situation I believe it is. 0= not at all, 10= totally fits

Willow: (10/10)

Taylor said this song was supposed to be like "placing a spell on someone" making them fall in love with you.

"The more that you say, the less I know" Accurate.... That fits both her and Matty

"I'm begging for you to take my hand, wreck my plans, that's my man"

"And there was one prize I'd cheat to win" I think she would always go to him whenever he wanted.

"You know that my train could take me home" train reference

"Wait for the signal and I'll meet you after dark. Show me the places where the others gave you scars" Still a secret, and obviously still seeing other people.

Champagne Problems (7/10)

William Bowery Written Song/ Joe?

"You booked the night train for a reason"

"dropped your hand while dancing"

Sincerity is Scary "After your show when you let go of my hand"

"This dorm was once a madhouse. I made a joke, 'well it's made for me'."

"She would've made such a lovely bride. Its a shame she's fucked in the head"

Gold Rush (8/10)

Originally always assumed to be Joe, but we were sort of confused by the lyrics.

"Eyes like sinking ships on waters, so inviting, I almost jump in"

"I don't like that anyone would die to feel your touch. Everybody wants you. Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you. Walk past, quick brush"

"At dinner parties, I call you out on your contrarian shit" Sounds like Matty

"And then it faded into the grey of my day old tea, cause it could never be"

"What must it be like to grow up that beautiful. Your hair falling into place like dominos. My mind turns your life into folklore. I can't to dream about you anymore". Him and those curls...

'tis the damn season (5/10)

Going back to an old love. The set up similar to go home after for the holidays.

"If I wanted to know who you were hanging with when I was gone, I would have asked you"

"The road not taken looks real good now"

"We could call it even. You could call me 'babe' for the weekend. Tis the damn season. Write this down"

"I won't ask you to wait, if you don't ask me to stay"

"So I'll go back to LA and the so-called friends who'll write books about me if I ever make it and wonder about the only souls, who can tell which smiles I'm faking"

"Time flies, messy as the mud on your truck tires"

Tolerate It (5/10)

Assumed to be Joe and them falling apart.

Could be either.

No overly specific lyrics. She does say "you're so much older and wiser" - could mean older and wiser than her, or so much older and wiser then they were when they met.

"I take your indiscretions all in good fun" which could fit Matty

Themes of complacence, indifference, infidelity. Could also be written about a friends story and what they were going thru, which is what we initially thought that the time.

No Body No Crime (0/10) w/ HAIM

A more country style song, since that was what HAIM wanted to do. Old school country song plot line.

Friends all working together to kill the man that tries to cover up the fact he killed their best friend (his wife).

Happiness (3/10)

Ending of a longer serious relationship that never fit Taylors experiences that we knew of. (7 year relationship. Would have been back in 2012/2013) Not an angry song, very forgiving.

Was always thought to be related to a friends divorce.

Does share the title with The 1975's happiness, but this was recorded first.

Dorothea (0/10)

Always thought to be about Selena Gomez.

Coney Island (3/10)

William Bowery written song

Break-up type song, falling apart

"and it this is the long haul, how'd we get here so soon?"

"Did I close my fist around something delicate" relating back to the song Delicate?

"Sorry for not making you my centerfold, over and over"

"What's a lifetime of achievement' If I pushed you to the edge, but you were too polite to leave me?"

"Cause we were like the mall before the internet, we were the one place to be. The mischief, the gift wrapped suburban dreams" Suburban Dreams

"Did I paint you bluest skies the darkest gray?"

"and when I got into the accident, the site that flashed before me was your face" "But when I got up to the podium, I forgot to say your name" - The only ancient we ever knew about was Harry as far as I remember. Unsure if Joe was in any accidents.

Ivy (7/10)

"My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand. Taking mine, but its been promised to another"

"I can't stop you putting roots in my dreamland. My house of stone, your ivy grows and now I am covered in you".

"He's in the room. Your opal eyes are all I wish to see. He wants what's only yours"

"What would he do if he found us out?"

"He's gonna burn this house to the ground" burning down the lover house for Era's tour?

"How's one to know. I'd live and die for moments that we stole"

"So tell me to run or dare to sit and watch what we'll become and drink my husbands wine" Obviously cheating on someone you are very serious with.

"So yeah its a fire, its a goddamn blaze in the dark and you started it"

"So yeah its a war, its the goddamn fight of my life and you started it"

Cowboy Like Me (9/10)

This one has been a popular one to connect to Matty. His random love of cowboy hats from time to time doesn't help.

At the NME awards, Mattys acceptance speech included that one of his heroes considers there to be two categories of art. Cowboys and Farmers. Cowboys being the ones who like to go out and find new passages. Taylor was in attendance for these awards. They were 2019, right before Covid. Matty would have just started dating Twigs, and this may have been around when Joe and Taylor were falling apart.

She also say's "Im never gonna love again" 4 times in this song. Matty also says "I'm never gonna love again" 4 times in happiness (shares its title with a Taylor wong) and wears a cowboy hat in the music video.

"And the tennis court was covered with some tent-like thing. You asked me to dance, but I said dancing is dangerous game" Covered up? Like a fort? hahahahah

"I've got tricks up my sleeve, takes one to know one"

"You had some tricks up your sleeve, takes one to know one"

"you're a bandit like me, eyes full of stars, hustling for the good life, never thought I'd meet you here"

"and the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up"

"And the ladies lunching have their stories about when you passed though town, but that was all before I locked it down"

Long Story Short (7/10)

"and I fell from the pedestal, right down the rabbit hole, long story shot it was a bad time" GIRL I FEEL YOU. But also this could have been relating back to the year between 1989 and Rep. When she was being attacked by everyone.

"clung to the nearest lips, long story short it was the wrong guy, now I'm all about you" Clung to Joe because she wasn't doing well and had been almost cancelled?

"When I dropped my sword, I threw it in the bushes and knocked on your door. And we live in peace, but if someone comes at us. This Time I'm ready" This time she was prepared for the backlash? Prepared for the attacks?

"No more keeping score, now I just keep you warm" "No more tug of war now, I just know there's more" Someone she was playing games with.

"And he's passing by, rare as the glimmer as a comet in the sky. And he feels like home. If the shoe fits, walk in it everywhere you go"

Marjorie (0/10)

For her Grandmother.

Closure (9/10)

"Its been a long time, and seeing your name, still spell out pain"

"It wasn't right, how it all went down, looks like you know that now"

"Yes, I got your letter" - The 1975's All I Need to Hear Connection " I wrote you a letter, it was no use at all"

"Yes, Im doing better, it cut to deep to know you"

"I'm friend with my spite and my beers and my candles"

"I know I'm just a wrinkle in your new life. Staying "friends" would iron it out so nice"

"Guilty, Guilty reaching out across the sea, that you put between you and me. But its fake and its so unnecessary"

Evermore

William Bowery written song.

Gray November. I've been down since July. Motion Capture

She addresses months in this song like they are people. Months could relate to a different people? This is a song I never really could nail down a thought on honestly.

Overall a song with sad vibes, depression, thing falling apart.

Right Where You Left Me (Deluxe) (2/10)

"Friends break up, friends get married"

"But I'm right where you left me"

"Help I'm still at the restaurant. Still sitting in the corner I haunt"

"I swear you could hear a hair pin drop, right when I felt the moment stop" She has been wearing hair pins again.

"They expected to me find somewhere, some perspective, but I sat and stared. Right where you left me"

"You left me no choice but to stay here forever"

'Time went on for everybody else. She won't know it. She's still 23 inside her fantasy, how it was supposed to be" Taylor was 23 in 2012 so around Connor Kennedy/ Harry Styles

It's Time To Go (Deluxe) (0/10)

Reviews multiple situations when you just know it's over and time to move on.

Commonly thought to be about her label and the issues she had with them.

"He's got my past frozen behind glass, but i've got me" Him holding onto her old music.

[daisylincs]

Today is, officially, the last day of 2020 - so it's literally just in time that I'm getting to @aosrecweek's amazing challenge. But that does go to show the nature of this crazy year a little bit, right? Time has just been INSANE, and I honestly cannot believe it's so close to over.

That said, I want to put it out there that everyone - absolutely everyone - who created something in this mad year, is a SUPERHERO. Like. We could have hidden away in dark corners, curled into little balls, and lost touch with our creativity entirely - but instead, we made some of the most fantastic content I have ever seen. And, excuse the language, but that is fucking amazing, of each and every single one of us. We're bloody INCREDIBLE, you guys. We really are.

Now, the rules of this challenge dictate that I've got to start with some of my own things, then repeat with the same number of creations by other people. So I'm going to do that, and I apologise for the sheer length (and self-plug-iness) of what is about to follow - but, bloody incredible, remember? I really mean that. 💜💜💜

My Own:

you could call me babe for the weekend - 19k of Spideychelle being oblivious, mutually pining IDIOTS while being snowed in. And, you know, fake dating. (This thing was SO MUCH FUN to write and though, yeah, it got completely out of control, as evidenced by the 19k, I still really love it.)

'tis the damn season - my first attempt at writing a multi-chap, and, yeah, it only has one chapter as of now, but I really love said chapter. Basically, it's Daisy and Mackelena being friends, and honestly just the BEST friends - I adore the style I managed to achieve in this thing. Plus, the Skimmons I have planned up next is going to be da bomb.

the closest thing - Philindaisy plus fake family. Also; amusement parks. And for a fangirl like me - well, it was pretty much a dream come true to write!

oh valley of plenty - in this fic, I basically told myself, so AoS won't give us Huntingbird in the finale? Fine. I'll just do it myself then - in the fluffiest way possible. And that's exactly what I did - making them, and their kids, be best friends in Perthshire.

maybe life should be about more - a very angsty Skimmons and Daisy-centric AU, focusing on the internalised homophobia Daisy has experienced through her life, and shaking it off (and eventually, y'know, getting together with Jemma.)

and it's dark in a cold december (but i've got you to keep me warm) - Fitzsimmons just make such a supreme pairing for hurt/comfort, what with how insanely well they understand each other and care about each other, so I'm really glad for the Fitzsimmons Secret Santa giving me the chance to write this! Basically, this follows our science duo through a stressful mission on Christmas Eve (so yes, it's a mission fic!!) and realising that the two of them can do anything together.

july second - ahhh, one of my personal favourites to write! Daisy birthday surprise fluff will always be top-notch for me, especially for all the team-as-family fluff you can add in, especially especially that this is set in Staticquake times! Also, it's from Hunter's point of view, which will forever be the most insanely fun thing to write, I do think.

i just wanna be with you - man, I'm such a big royal fan, so getting the chance to write a modern royalty AU for my OTP was nothing short of amazing!! This is Princess Daisy and her fiancée Lincoln Campbell at their official engagement interview

see the line where the skye meets the sea - shameless season 1 bby Bus Kids fluff, featuring movie nights, singalongs and... so much fluff your teeth will rot. Also I'm really freaking proud of the pun in the title okay

'cause all that you are is all that i'll ever need - Huntingbird waking up together fluff (because, fight me, Huntingbird in their sweet moments is one of the sweetest things you will ever get to read or write.) This is also my, fluffy, take on the origin of the Franny's Saloon keychain.

we love you, we love you (and we hope you love we too) - aha, my first polyship fic! Also my first try at some actually fancy HTML formatting (forever thanks to Kat for explaining.) Both of these things combined to form a fic that even I think is ridiculously fluffy and funny, and kinda amazing, at that.

and man I don't know where the time goes (but it sure goes fast like that) - Another Bus Kids movie night fic, but this one set post-season 7, and reflecting on how far they've come. A little bit more hurt/comfort-y than it's pure fluff prequel, but still super fluffy and soft. And, of course, with a happy ending.

she shares my dreams, i hope that someday, i'll share her home - snowy Fitzsimmons fluff, complete with them falling in love at the Winter Olympics, as you do.

then you walked in and my heart went boom - 16k of Dekesy for the wife, and remarkable for that, because literally a month ago from this, I hated Dekesy with my entire soul. Then I started reading Kat's fics, and, well, fell in love with them... so much so that I wrote sixteen thousand words of enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, bed sharing holiday fluff for them.

a love like that - a Fitzsimmons Cinderella AU, featuring my two favourite science babies, in true science bby style, falling in love over science and how stupid the whole courting thing is. Also, Daisy makes a brief appearance, and she's the freaking best.

ever after - ah, probably the one single fic I'm proudest of. A post-season 7 Daisy character study focusing on her emotional rollercoaster re: losing her family/things never being the same again, which just achieves... an emotional level that I have never managed to replicate again. I was full-on sobbing while writing it, and, guys, it also part-holds the Closest To Making Kat Cry prize.

blue - Daisy character study spanning snapshots of seven seasons, and before - but tied together by something blue in every moment. Researching for this, and finding all the blue moments, was very interesting, and immensely satisfying, especially since all the moments where a little bit of blue was present actually combine to chronicle Daisy's journey on the show remarkably well.

who is that girl I see - the one time I decided to write straight angst, and straight angst with no happy ending. Melinda May post-Bahrain, folks.

take my hand, take my whole life too - aww, the first thing I wrote that I really and truly loved. A Staticquake and Fitzsimmons Actors AU, featuring a proposal on set and INCREDIBLE amounts of fluff and softness.

hold out your hand, 'cause friends will be friends - the wife's favourite, and, as second fics go, pretty damn good, if I do say so myself. It's a Soulmates AU for Staticquake and Mackelena, with the focus being on DaisyMack friendship, and lots of denial, angst, and guilt about finding their soulmates. (They figure it out eventually, don't worry - it's me, of course I made them happy.)

Fitzsimmons + Fake Dating moodboard - Fake dating will always be FAB, and picturing it out in a moodboard - especially for my clueless bby best friends in love - was the best, and super satisfying.

Staticquake + Orange moodboard - One of the cooler ideas I had for Trick or Treat (which I still have not finished, heaven help me) was to make a series of moodboards for my OTP plus different colours. This orange one is just so light, and cheerful, and happy, and honestly I kinda adore it.

This Philindaisy + Family Moodboard - making moodboards can be insanely frustrating when you just can't find the photo that fits exactly right. With this one, however, I found all the pics I needed pretty insanely fast, and, better, the whole thing just worked, and really nicely so, too.

This Bus Kids + Baking Cookies moodboard - there's absolutely NO faults to be found with tiny, adorable Skye, Fitz and Jemma concocting choc chip cookies - but I'm actually doing a tiny cheat here, because, cute as my moodboard here is, the accompanying fic by my love @eowima is the SWEETEST and best thing you could ever wish for!!!

This Daisy Johnson Appreciation Week Photoset - Day 3 of Daisy Johnson Appreciation Week focused on an emotion, and I picked confidence and power, because honestly, it's nothing short of amazing how confident and powerful our gorgeous girl has become.

This Daisy Johnson Appreciation Week Photoset - One of the times I wish I could gif, because this quote about struggling though never giving up just suits Daisy perfectly. The photos I found are cool, though, and I mean, it's Daisy, so that's already absolutely fabulous.

Other People's:

I managed to find twenty-six of my own things that I liked enough to put up there (because, yes, I'm that big a dork, 26 things for me being 26 is the way to go :D) Anyway, now that gives me the amazing chance to spotlight twenty-six of my favourite creations by my FANTASTIC mutuals! 😍

To start, my wife - Kat said I couldn't put everything she's ever written on here, so, ugh, I guess I'll just do my top five then. *grumbling* Everything by Kat is on here in spirit, though!!

Chasing Cars (even after the story ends) by @aleksandrachaev - the epic Dekesy roadtrip AU and incredible Daisy character study itself, which, I do believe, finishes today!! Words aren't enough to describe how freaking AMAZING this thing is, or how spectacularly well characterised. Just: if you haven't read this yet, you are missing out. You will laugh, you will groan, you will want to wrap Daisy in a very tight hug, and you will probably cry, too. This fic just has it all, really!

there goes the maddest man this town has ever seen by @aleksandrachaev - the post-season 7 Deke-crashes-the-Framework-Zoom-call fic I didn't know I needed (but spent the next two weeks rereading every single night.) It is absolutely INCREDIBLE, with all the Deke & Team feels we missed in the final outro scene, and honestly just the most fantastic writing. I cannot recommend it enough!

To Box It Up And Start Again (everything must go) by @aleksandrachaev - bloody hell, this BROKE me. Deke never really got to say goodbye in canon, but Kat gave him the chance to do it here. And, my freaking GOODNESS, she made it so incredibly bittersweet and heart-shattering. 10/10

i am a leaf on the wind by @aleksandrachaev - a little bit of a stretched-out, reflective moment in the season 7 finale. As Daisy lingers on the edge of death, she reflects on all the lives she could have had - and, man, what a study in bittersweetness!! This entire fic is utterly incredible, and something I think all Daisy fans should read.

Falling Into Place by @aleksandrachaev - here's a tiny cheat from me (sorry, babes, lmao) because technically this isn't one fic, but a series of three. Way too amazing to miss out on, though!! Set mid-season 7, this has the Chronicoms go after a young Mary Sue Poots to kill Quake before she can become a problem for them. They stop the Chronicoms, yes, but not without a TREMENDOUS dose of feels and hurt/comfort. There's also a wonderful little dose of Dekesy friendship, and then an adult adoption (!!) that honestly made my entire day to read. Actually, that's true for the entire series - I really canNOT yell about it enough!!

destroyer of worlds by @bobbimorseisbisexual - a study in incredible parallels between Jiaying's daughters. Utterly breathtakingly done, this will give you ALL the feels for this small and complex Inhuman family.

Muscle Memory by @robotgort and @bobbimorseisbisexual - a Huntingbird!! Bones!! AU!! And also a collaboration between two of the most fabulous Huntingbird authors in the fandom - honestly, what more can you ask for?! This will make you laugh, and gasp, and wince, and keep you guessing at each new plot twist (and also screaming at your screen for Hunter and Bobbi to get their acts together and TALK ABOUT IT.) In short: it's completely and utterly amazing, and I cannot, cannot recommend it enough!!

You Belong Among the Wildflowers by @libbyweasley - a freaking incredible Scis & Spies Regency AU! I only just started reading, but I was hooked all the way through, especially on the way Libby writes all four characters' complex relationships (and their attraction, and their history!) Everything about it is just completely stunning, and I for one cannot WAIT for these beautiful idiots to figure out they all belong together.

Family Snapshot by @tomatobookworm - if it's family fluff you're after, especially Staticquake family fluff, look no further! This tremendously soft and utterly amazing fic follows a day in the lives of a pregnant Daisy and her husband Lincoln, and their not-so-little family of Inhumans, both adopted and biological. There's also shopping with Grandma May, lots of feels, lots of shippiness, and just AMAZINGNESS all the way through!!

Best Day Ever by @loved-the-stars-too-fondly - Jemma and Daisy want to adopt a pet, and make a very special trip to Wisconsin to do it. Also, whether he knows who he is or not, Jemma has an important question to ask Cal - and just, AHHHH, everything about this is utterly stunning! For starters, Aubrey's writing is FANTASTIC, and the scene she sets is absolutely beautiful, and so very bittersweet. I was actually misting up a little with happy tears towards the end of this - really, I cannot recommend this enough, to any Skimmons fan.

so why don't we go somewhere only we know by @loved-the-stars-too-fondly - more Skimmons (platonic this time, though), more hurt/comfort, and, yes, again, more absolutely INCREDIBLE writing. This one is canon compliant, following a shaken Jemma struggling to sleep after Maveth, and how Daisy finds a way to help her out. Incredibly sweet, tender and BEAUTIFULLY written, this one was an instant favourite the moment I read it!

Unspoken by @anxiouslynumbme - a birthday fic for yours truly, and, honestly, one of the most STUNNING Staticquake introspectives I've read. It follows Daisy and Lincoln in a beautifully tender missing moment in season 3, with them both realising their feelings, and just... AHHHHHHHH, everything about it is utterly incredible!! I cannot, cannot recommend this gem of a fic enough

the thing about water droplets and ruffled hair by @que-mint-tea - here's another fic that proves, once and for all, how good Kat's Dekesy is, because it managed to convert T to write some Dekesy smut. And, oh my GOSH, what Dekesy smut - so goshdarn angsty, but so FANTASTICALLY characterised and written that it leaves you more than a little breathless, and gaping at your screen. The first chapter initially left us on the most HORRIFIC cliffhanger, but then T fixed it, and it's just... this thing is really a whole new level of emotional writing, raw and gripping and intensely perfect for both of these characters. My haw still drops whenever I think of this thing, and how utterly AMAZING it was, so yeah. Fic rec!!!

beautiful stranger, there you are by @justanalto - I do believe I still owe Serena a long and very gushy comment on this thing, because, MAN, does it ever deserve that!! Pipsy and fake dating, with the most HILARIOUSLY incredible writing, plot and characterisation, and honestly just a giddy "askhdfkhsfh" whenever I think back to how much I enjoyed it. Yup, it was that good.

Jumping to conclusions by @eowima - a very special one, because it marks my love Océane's first venture into writing AoS fic! It's an AU of 1x06 (the Fitzsimmons episode of s1) where Fitz does actually jump out of the plane to save Jemma. Realisations of feelings, and some of the most genuinely FANTASTIC Fitz characterisation I've read in a while, follow - and, yup, I was shouting at my screen for them just to get together already. Amazing stuff, really!!

Look into your eyes and the sky's the limit by @eowima - okay, this. This. Another gift for me, and one that I will probably treasure forEVER, because it is just?? so?? utterly?? perfect?? Just for starters, the title is a Hamilton reference - and then the theme of Hamilton references continues into the fic itself, I'm delighted to say. There's also the most BEAUTIFUL, playful Skimmons friendship, and teasing, and then of course the bet about who can make out with their crush first... Staticquake & Fitzsimmons perfection. And all rendered in Océane's delightful, best-thing-ever-to-read writing!! I'm going into a giddy keyboard smash just THINKING about this, so yeah, cannot recommend it enough.

lullabies and clear blue skies by @springmagpies and @bobbimorseisbisexual - okay, I never thought I'd catch myself shipping FitzBobbi, let alone shipping it this hard, but... wow. Maggie and Al teamed up to completely blow me away, and MELT MY WHOLE ENTIRE HEART with the sheer cuteness of this!! It features Fitz, Bobbi and adopting two daughters, and it's just the most tender, beautiful development through that little family - I love it so, so much.

We made all the wrong choices by @browneyedgenius - the winner of the AoS Angst War 2020, how could I not include this one? It is such a well-deserved win, though, whoa - I was sobbing, full-on sobbing, at least twice while reading. It follows the season 5 team through the events of the time-loop, after they failed to save the world - and, oh my gosh, it ripped my heart right out of my chest, but beautifully so. Everything about this fic just hits so hard, and it's written so well - yeah, really a most AMAZINGLY deserved win, for an utterly SHATTERINGLY incredible fic.

I threw stones at the stars (but the whole sky fell) by @nazezdha321 - this is Z showing us all how to write a backstory for a minor character, and write it so well that everyone's hearts break all over again when she dies. This one is about Victoria Hand, and it builds a stirring and profound childhood for her, also making her rise through the ranks of SHIELD and just her entire character mean so much more. Really, fic-wise, this is goals, and I take my hat off to you, Z, 1000%, for writing it.

in which the universe is put together by @besidemethewholedamntime - Rebecca's emotional writing, particularly Fitzsimmons' emotions, is incomparable, and she proves it all over again in this fic. If follows Fitz and Jemma before, after and during the bloodwork, and I just... wow, honestly. The emotion!! And the characterisation!! Absolutely stunning, and honestly all I could wish for in a we-had-time fic.

Agents of SHIELD Season 8 by @egumal - THIS. This, this, this, oh my gosh - as fix-it fics go, this has to be the most spectacular one I have ever read. What it does is find a way - a potentially canon compliant way, too - to bring back Lincoln Campbell, and reunite Staticquake. Basically: just about as season 7 finishes, the Astro Ambassadors get an unexpected visitor from another timeline, who asks them to come help out against Hive. Case in point, Daisy meets her lost love again (... but he has no idea who she is) and also has to relive the Fallen Agent drama. It all gets even more complicated when Kora restores Lincoln's memories, and Daisy meets the full team Deke has assembled around him in the 33 years (for him) that they've been apart... in short, this is one of the most thorough, well-written and downright SHOCKING plot-twist-wise fics that you will ever read, and honestly, saying "I can't recommend it enough" is an understatement. This thing is thd BEST, plain and simple!

Black Roses aren't real (but you and I are) by @ohwriteiforgot - ahhhh, a fic that will always have an incredibly special place in my heart, because it introduced me to one of my best fandom friends. The main focus is on Clintasha, it's true, but it's also a crossover with AoS in the sense that Clint was adopted by Coulson and May. Also, Daisy is his little sister, and their bond is gold. Also - there's Staticquake!! And flower shops!! And rivals to friends to lovers!! All I'm going to say is, what more can you ask for?!

A book to shield my story by @maybebrilliant - Staticquake High School AU, ahhhhhhhh!! There are only two chapters out so far, but the way this is shaping up is making my DAY - with Daisy as the new girl who meets Lincoln and his group of friends, and, though her foster parents are absolutely shit, starts to find actual happiness in a school for the first time in her life. Also - THE REFERENCES. Guys. I'm crazy for those, and in this book, so are my favourite dorks, Daisy and Lincoln - and let me tell you, it's nothing short of the best thing ever.

This AoS Finale Gif Edit by @heysteverogers - AoS really has been the most INCREDIBLE journey through the years, but what's really made it special is the company - and that's summed up perfectly in this gorgeous gifset. Also, the graphics on this are just, ahhhh, stunning - I'm in awe, and I've spent very long periods of time just looking at this thing in a state of heart-eyes.

This AoS Finale Gif Edit by @jemannesimms - combining Auld Lang Syne and the final scenes of my favourite show was a raw emotional - but utterly brilliant experience - for me. It's just so absolutely beautiful, and perfectly suited to the team, and their goodbyes!! Breathtaking editing work here, too.

This Daisy as Peter Parker and May as Tony Stark moodboard by @agentsofcomedyandchaos - ahhhh, a crossover of two of my favourite fandoms!! And what a lovely one, too - the colour scheme, quotes, and just the whole FEEL of this is absolutely genius, and I am guilty of being inspired by way too many fic ideas by it. Stunning stuff!!

And... whoa, that was long, but I really do feel that we deserve a bit of a proper pat on the back after creating such magical content in such a messed up year. So that's the note I'm going to leave you with for 2020, my friends: hell-year or no, look at the absolute beauty we were still able to create!! We really are freaking amazing, guys.

#aos best of 2020 #fic rec #massive fic rec list #and honestly; WHAT a list!! #despite this utter hellstorm of a year #we as a fandom have still been nothing short of INCREDIBLE #and honestly; I am SO proud of us #💜💜💜

[reighlee-greaves]

Snapped : Tom Hiddleston x Reader

So this is a collaboration between me and @just-the-hiddles who is responsible for half of the dialogue and the header image. I would like to thank @just-the-hiddles for giving me the idea for this x reader.

-Summary- Tom and the reader get into a heated argument about a photo that the paparazzi snapped of her and her ex Sebastian Stan. To apologise Tom enlists the help of Benedict.

Tag list

@just-the-hiddles

@confetti-its-an-imagine-blog

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Tom hadn't glanced at his phone that morning until well after his run. When he picked it up, he found himself bombarded with voice messages and texts. They all were about one thing. He clicked on one of the links to find a headline from the Daily Mail blaring out him: Hiddles Out, Seb In. Romance Rekindled.

Tom's face paled as he scrolled to find a grainy photo of you looking rather cozy with your ex, Sebastian Stan. Without another thought, Tom grabbed his keys and headed towards your place.

“Tom, what are you doing here our date isn’t until tomorrow?” you asked Tom.

Tom barged through the door, his face red. "Care to explain this?!" he yelled as he shoved his phone in your face.

“Tom I—“ you began only to be cut off by Tom’s frantic pacing.

“—I, I, I," he mocked. "You can't even come up with a plausible lie for why you were photographed with your ex."

“Ok, Tom if you calm down I can explain why I was with Seb in the first place.”

"Calm down!!? I will not fucking calm down! My phone is filled with messages and texts of condolences, of questions. You've humiliated me publicly and you tell me to calm down?!" Tom seethed. His hands flexed at his side, a death grip on his phone.

You took a step back, away from him.

“Tom I didn’t mean to humiliate you. I bumped into Sebastian, and he congratulated me on our relationship. Besides, what about that photo of you and your ex that I got tagged in on Twitter the other week?”

"That's completely different! We dated for six months. And that story was about her new project, not about me having an affair. You and Sebastian were together for three years! Three years! And in case you missed it, I am apparently out and he is in!"

“So you can be friends with your exes but I can’t be friends with mine?” Your voice trembled. You had never seen Tom so mad.

"That's not the point! The point is you didn't see the problem with being photographed with him and how it would affect me. Affects us. And if you don't see the problem with that, I'm not sure this relationship can work." Tom's shoulders slumped.

“I cannot believe that you just said that Thomas Hiddleston!” you yelled in frustration.

"I can't believe you would cheat on me. But here we are. Goodbye." Tom turned and left as quickly as he came.

Once the door slammed behind him, he only then allowed the tears to fall. As he walked down the sidewalk, with shaking hands, he punched in a familiar number.

"Ben? Can I come by? Yeah. It's about that. Thanks."

-

Ben steepled his fingers in front of his mouth as Tom stood huffing in front of him.

"If you are done with your tantrum, can I say something?"

“What?!” Tom snapped.

Ben leaned back at Tom's tone."Okay, first of all, there is no need to snap my head off. You called me. I am here to help you."

“I’m sorry Ben, I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Tom replied before sighing. “I’m just frustrated.”

"In more ways than one, I'm sure." Ben chuckled to himself.

"What I was trying to say before you turned into a small child was... exes are exes for a reason. She is a good person. I am sure there is a innocent explanation."

“Like what Ben, they just happened to bump into each other?” Tom questioned as he slumped further into Ben’s sofa.

"Perhaps. That does happen. You know how you sometimes just bump to your exes." Ben raised a knowing eyebrow. "The point is coincidences happen. And the paparazzi are ruthless. But you can't let them get inside your head."

“But it’s Sebastian Stan we’re talking about!” Tom crowed.“They were together for three years Ben, THREE YEARS! He was her first everything.”

"And you can be her last everything. But not if you don't pull your head out of arse and talk to the poor girl. Honestly, you are about to ruin the best thing in your life over a single photo."

“What do I say to her, Ben, I’ve already lost her.”

Benedict moved to sit next to Tom. He clapped his hand on Tom's knees. “Use all those big words you learned at Cambridge. Tell her you love her. Tell her you were a prized idiot for ever letting her get away. Tell her you will spend the rest of your days proving to her you are worthy of her love. Tell her she is your one.”

Tom sighed as he let Ben’s words sink in. “ Do you think you and Sophie could help me with that?”

Ben smiled. "I believe that can be arranged."

The Next Day

You awoke to a constant pounding against your front door. As you stumbled to the door, bathrobe wrapped around, you opened the door to find Sophie standing there, two coffees in hand.

"Get dressed, we're going shopping."

“Alright, alright, I’m coming hold on.” you groaned as she invited Sophie inside.

Sophie settled herself onto a kitchen chair, and slid one of the coffee cups in your direction. "Here, I got it how you like it."

“Thanks Soph, give me about twenty minutes and I’ll be ready.”

Sophie yelled after as you trot off to get ready. "I'll be waiting with bells on!"

Once you were out of sight, Sophie whipped out her phone and typed a message off to Ben.

Got her to agree to shopping. You should have several hours to get things ready. Don't fuck this up.

After an agonisingly slow twenty minutes you were ready. “Let’s go, Soph.”

"Took you long enough. I was about ready to make myself some lunch."

You shot daggers at Sophie.

"Now..." Sophie linked arms with you as both of you exited the house. "...what's new with you?"

“Oh nothing much, I bumped into Sebastian the other day and the paparazzi caught us. I think Tom’s mad at me even though we weren’t doing anything.” you explained.

"I didn't realize you and Seb were still close. How many years were you together again?" Sophie asked, acting stupid.

“We were together for three years, Soph. We still chat every so often but it means nothing. We’re friends now. But nothing more.” you replied.

Sebastian and you broke because of many things. Partially because of the long distance, and also the fact that you wanted to settle down and have a few children. Sebastian wanted to pursue his acting career longer before settling down with a wife and kids. He still wanted the life of a bachelor.

”Have you told Tom that? Or the reasons you and Sebastian broke up?"

“I tried to Sophie, but he stormed out of my house before I could. He didn’t even say goodbye.” you sighed.

"Try harder. He looks like he is made of marble, but his heart is as fragile as glass. He must care about you to have such a vehement reaction."

“I know, I know, but I have no idea how to tell him. It’s hard for me to express myself, you know?”

“For two such sensitive and dramatic people, the both of you are horrid at saying what you feel." Sophie taunted. "How about calling him up and saying 'I love you' and I want to be with you and only you?"

“That is the sort of thing you say in person.” you responded.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Sophie grabbed your arm and pulled you down the street off towards Tom's.

-

“Ben, has Sophie text you yet to see when she’s bringing you here?” Tom asked as he paced up and down his kitchen.

Benedict fished his phone out of his pocket. As he scrolled through his messages, his eyes widened. "They are on their way over right now."

“Shit!” mumbled a panicked Tom.

“How do I look? Do I look ok? Do I smell?” Tom asked a smirking Benedict.

Benedict picked at Tom's sweater, smoothing it out. "Like sex on a stick, mate." He gave Tom a wink.

“Ok, ok I can do this...” Tom whispered to himself as the doorbell rang. Tom whipped back around to Ben for a moment. "No, I can't! You answer the door." Tom shoved Benedict towards the foyer.

"Are you serious!?" Ben protested. "This is your house and if I answer the door, it will be even more awkward than it already is. So man up and answer the damn door!" Benedict pushed Tom hard causing him to stumble, falling against the front door.

"Is everyone alright in there?" Sophie's voice called out from the other side of the door.

“Just a moment!” Tom yelled back.

“Ok what do I say to her, do I say hi or hello or—“ Tom rambled only to get cut off by Ben.

"I swear to God man, if you don't open that door right now and let my wife and your girlfriend in right this second, I am telling this story at your wedding. Pull yourself together!" Ben hissed before disappearing to the kitchen.

“Ok I got this.” Tom said as he opened the door.

"About bloody time." Benedict muttered just out of sight.

"Tom!" Sophie greeted him with a warm hug. “Guess who I brought with me." She tugged you into view.

“Hello ladies.” Tom greeted the pair with a smile. "Please come on in.”

You shuffled in behind Sophie and gave Tom an awkward smile.

"So... Thomas," Sophie interjected. "Where is my impossible husband?"

“Ah, he’s in the kitchen.”

"Then I shall see myself that way." Sophie exited before giving time for either of you to protest.

“So Tom how are you?” you asked awkwardly as you stepped into the living room.

"I've been better." Tom commented as he followed you into the room. He offered you her favourite spot on the sofa which you took and he sat down in the chair across from her. "And you?"

“I’ve had better days. We need to talk about yesterday.”

"I'm sorry I overreacted.” Tom started in. “It's just that you were dating Sebastian for so long and this relationship is new. I worried about losing you." Tom reached out to grab your hand, giving it a slight squeeze. "And I care about you too much to have that happen."

“No I’m the one who should apologise, I didn’t tell you I bumped into Sebastian before you saw those photos.” You squeezed his hand back before continuing. “I care about you too, and I should have been upfront about everything at the start of our relationship. I guess I was scared of losing you too.”

Tom chuckled. "Sounds like both of us are just a bunch of sorry fools. Forgive me?" He looked at you with hopeful eyes.

“Of course I forgive you, will you forgive me too?”

Tom leaned over, his hand ran along the curve of your cheek. "Always, my love." He pressed his lips against hers for a moment.

Only to be interrupted by cheers from the kitchen.

Tom chuckled. "I believe we have an audience. Come out, you two!" He called out to Ben and Sophie.

“So now that that’s out of the way, what is that delicious smell?” you asked as you sniffed the air.

Benedict poked his head around the corner. "Steak frites. Your favourite."

Sophie snuck around the corner. "Now if you don't mind us, we need to get back to the babysitter. We'll show ourselves out."

Once Sophie and Ben left, you turned to Tom with your arm stretched out. “Come eat with me please?”

"With pleasure."

#tom hiddleston x you #tom hiddleston x reader #tom hiddelson #tom hiddelston imagine

[punkscowardschampions]

Carly & Ali

Carly: last nite was good of you Carly: saying thanks cuz i read my text from last nite & it was Carly: I cudnt read it k thats facts Ali: nah, don't mention it, no bitch left behind Ali: plus, I know the cunt doing the ditching, been there, like Ali: was trying to translate but yeah, you were pretty fucked 😂 Ali: how you feeling this am? 💚 Carly: yea? hes not that bad Carly: im a slag like he said tbh Carly: feeling like i had a decent nite all things considered Carly: you? Ali: Gurl, yes he is and no you ain't! Ali: Probably Ali: Who cares if you are, he is, and the rest Ali: I dated him for a bit, so there's no shady, tryna steal your man on the sly going on, don't worry Ali: much the same, my head feels like someone took my eyes out and shoved 'em up my arse, you know? Ali: standard sunday vibes Carly: aw you're sweet but it's no diss on me Carly: like ive cheated on him a few times Carly: but he does it too you're right w that Carly: hes a good fuck when he's not too wasted tho which you kno if you got it too Carly: you're single now tho? Carly: can have him back if you want Ali: Fair play Ali: why not call it open and call it a day? Ali: Probs 'cos he likes fighting as much as he likes fucking Ali: Meh, yeah, was passable, gotta have some reason to keep him around, like Ali: Nah, going out with the girl that drove us back Ali: Remember? Dark hair, angry Carly: yea Carly: you know Carly: shit my bad Carly: she was scary is what i've got in my head Carly: idk my head is sketch cant trust it Ali: That's a fair assessment, I reckon Ali: She wouldn't hate it either so you good 😉 Carly: pretty tho Carly: call it a trade up Ali: Yeah, she's cute Ali: you need any more of the night filling in lemme know, I'll do my best Ali: it was pretty standard though, nothing too wild Carly: no faking it w her cuz shes too drunk Carly: designated driver be like Carly: last i see i was getting with his friend lowkey and he went off about it im blank from then Ali: its a fucking gay crime to ever fake it, no matter what Ali: I can get behind that one tho, not got the time or energy tbh Ali: yeah i think him and his friend then got in a scrap and then they left Ali: bros before hoes mentality hardcore, like idk, have fun jerking each other off then, if that's ur vibe boys Carly: k that sounds legit from what i caught on his socials Carly: didnt upload the circle jerk bless Carly: gay crimes must of been committed Ali: sad face Ali: coulda spat on his back Ali: protip Carly: ill let him know when he texts me later Carly: how did you kno where i live? state of me Carly: sorry to drag you this way Ali: plottwist, i'm a massive stalker with bad intentions Ali: I truly don't know, but I'll tell Lene she should be a cabbie 'cos she managed and I don't think we got any puke in her car Carly: k big lesbian crush on me yea Carly: ioher lots Carly: stealing her girl and wrecking her car in one Ali: Naturally, you cute Ali: I'll give you her number if you like, or just pass along the thanks and soz Carly: awh you're cuter Carly: probs still drunk tho Carly: giving me those kind words Carly: you handle the now ex if you love me Ali: Hahaha, he'd LOVE that Ali: ghosts of gf past Ali: Let me and I'll love you forever Carly: go for it Ali: let's see if I've still got his number Ali: this contact list is a minefield of mistakes but the real embarrassment would be getting them muddled up, fo'shame! Carly: i can give it Carly: used it more recently than you Carly: up there at my top Ali: won't be tellin' him that Ali: don't need the ego boost Ali: but tah Carly: makes it more fun to fuck him over if you praise him first Carly: but maybe thats me Ali: like a shit sandwich Ali: I get it Carly: hungry for anything but that rn Carly: [Sends the number tho] Ali: wanna come for brunch Ali: now you are newly gay Ali: that's what they do, fucking sex in the city up in dis bitch Carly: yea? weird Carly: not what i thought Carly: awh first date tho Ali: forreal, even the butch ones, don't let 'em fool you, its all fancy fucking eggs and screwdrivers by 11am Ali: you call 'em mimosas tho, gotta pretend you're being classy Carly: wtf is a screwdriver Ali: Babe! Ali: Vodka and orange juice Carly: i call it that Carly: gays and their labels Ali: save it for the rant sesh honey Ali: love you talking about how men ain't shit as well Carly: thats the ones i fuck Carly: cant be bringing no poshos to a caravan Ali: Posh boys are only good for the money anyway, I'm sure Ali: not finding any in 24 like regardless Carly: not gonna find out if they do drive by now im a lesbian wife Carly: sorry lads Ali: they had their chance Ali: unlucky boys Carly: should prob tell me your name again if im taking it Ali: Ruins the mystery a bit but alright Ali: Its Ali Ali: Ali McKenna if we're being formal Carly: k you've got the hot brothers Carly: makes sense Ali: 🤔 Ali: I think you're thinking of someone else, babe Carly: not trying to have our first fight but you coulda told me before we got hitched, bitch Carly: you're still hot tho don't be sad Ali: so you could run off with one of my brothers? i think not Ali: unless you meant Tommy 'cos he's very single but that's unlikely because he's never here Ali: stuck with me for now, hoe 😘 Carly: a slag like me could do worse Carly: has Ali: bitch, same Ali: we can compare notes, see how many regrets we got in common Carly: yea Carly: doing it Ali: Good, save it for brunch 'cos I'm coming forreal Ali: we don't have to deal with a gaggle of gossiping gays tho, bring you a maccies breakfast? Carly: k Carly: be fun Carly: you are from what i remember Ali: I like that Ali: No bullshit Ali: Imma start all interactions like be fun please or I'm out Ali: ✌ bringing the fun and the bacon babe Carly: you're not bringing your gf are you Ali: Nah, how awkward, meet the missus, honey Carly: like there's usually a lad in my trio sorry Carly: still learning this lesbian life Ali: oh, are you bi legit? Ali: she's way too jealous for threesomes, you're good Carly: nah i just know what lads want Ali: Oh gurl Ali: that's why Lene ain't coming Ali: the lecture you're avoiding Carly: idc Carly: youre my wife now bitch Ali: 💍💍 Ali: Productive morning, if I do say so myself Ali: and we're hanging, fuck with us Carly: good influence of you cuz i havent done fuck all this week Ali: Hard work being a bi icon, babe Ali: wait 'til I get you on the yoga hype Carly: wtf Carly: is that a joke Ali: nah, I've already done half an hour this morning Carly: bitch i had my fingers crossed you mistyped yogurt Carly: i love you but its a no Ali: 😂 lets be really into yogurt, not fancy stuff, like fucking froobs Carly: phallic Carly: slurping on my dick shaped yogurt Ali: exactly Ali: what do men love more than a representation of their genitals shoved in your mouth? nothing, is the answer, bar the real thing Ali: so seductive Carly: they don't like food in bed tho, but maybe thats my technique Carly: thinking you could use whatever Carly: k just gonna dump this curry out yea bear with Ali: spicy Ali: imagine the yeast infection you'd get from a fromage frais Carly: like sorry but if i can handle cum in my eye you can deal with some saag aloo boy Carly: googling those symptoms would be a laff tho Ali: ugh, now i want indian Carly: date 2, babe Ali: 😍 Ali: this is all moving so fast Ali: 'bout it Carly: thats all i kno about lesbians k Ali: Its so true Ali: Can confirm Carly: is your gf gonna be mad that im flirting with you Carly: cuz im scrappy but she's scary Ali: 😂 Ali: Probably but when I tell her you're straight she'll have to chill Ali: yeah, we're married BUT SHE'S STRAIGHT, BABE Carly: can't tell her how many girls ive fucked cuz i dont remember Carly: convenient Ali: Best keep that on the DL, yeah Ali: like your blatant gay feelings for me Carly: k Carly: been a secret before no big Ali: Awh babe, ain't nothing dirty about this Ali: I shall tell the world Carly: you're sweet Ali: Probably not if you still wanna be getting that D but you know, noblest intentions, like Carly: im over it Carly: go off Ali: when your pussy's the cure Ali: how can I be humble now? 😏 Carly: dont be Carly: proud slags who fucking love froobs Carly: its a mood Ali: that is a whole ass mood Ali: put it on a t-shirt, babe Carly: earn some bread for my table Ali: solid business plan Ali: we can't be the only ones Carly: independent women who don't need no dick Carly: anymore Ali: hell yeah! Ali: unless that dick wanna pay the bills, in which case we'll let 'em Ali: so we can get more froobs Carly: point Ali: oh no, someone put a pic of Molly Briggs vomming on Insta Ali: 1. gross 2. who hasn't been there, poor bitch Carly: sad Carly: hope she's alright Ali: I'd ask but don't really know her and her phone must already be blowing up Ali: plus she threw a netball right in my face once and I don't forget, bitch Ali: jk, I'll just report the pic 😂 Carly: they all call me a whore cba to keep track of which mollys or other bitches Ali: She is a bit of a bitch, ain't gonna sugarcoat it so probably Ali: not saying Karmas real but posted on that friggin' TallaghtSlags page so 🤷 Ali: grab a froob, darling Carly: her name makes me wanna party with her dad but thats as far as im fucking with that family Carly: or mum i dont know who picked it like Ali: Init, proper old skool ravers, obvs Ali: think I'm out of eccies, sadly Ali: last night depleted me Carly: Watch me call my son Bennie cos I got anxiety, baby Ali: Cute tho, whole medicine cabinet of babies Carly: why not im married now Ali: We'll get on that, date 3, like Carly: where you taking me? Ali: up the wheyyyyyyyyyy Ali: well, we had brunch, indian, obvs we're fat bitches Ali: get on that chinese buffet life Carly: you can get on your yoga mat tho Carly: im fucked Carly: letting myself go so soon my bad Ali: Please, you're perfect Ali: I'll have all the kids if you want Carly: blushing is what i am Carly: how many you want? Ali: how many people names are there for drugs? molly bennie mandy charlie umm Ali: and our preachy child, frank Carly: ha Carly: tina that's one Ali: Ooh, yes, a gay icon Carly: billy, bud our weak child, cosmic kelly who's gonna have to style that out Ali: oh kelly, I hope you have the personality to match or we've really fucked you over there, soz babe Carly: can't forget dimitri, lucy or mandy Carly: sweet sweet mary joy Ali: My fanny hurts just thinking about it Carly: christine and tina are obvs twins thats a relief Carly: how manys that? Ali: 13 Ali: Unlucky for some but my actual lucky number! Ali: Fated Carly: ha Carly: it's love and keeps being proven Ali: can't fight what's clearly so right Carly: true Ali: you want a milkshake Ali: i'm having one Carly: yea Carly: strawberry Ali: 'cos u so sweet 💚 Carly: awww Ali: I shall be right there, with brunch fit for a pair of proud slags Carly: k Carly: my parents arent here no need to break the news of wedded bliss Ali: Would be a weird first impression but I could rock it Ali: new fave in-law? I think so Carly: yea Carly: cant fight fate like Carly: been said Ali: forreal, catch me outside if you got something to say, lads Ali: alone time with the bae is always good tho Carly: you kno Carly: love you bitch Ali: love ya 😘

[unqueenlybiscuits]

Criminently.

KAZAKHSTANMINISTRY OF INFORMATION PRESENTSA KAZAKHSTANTELEVISION PRODUCTIONIN ASSOCIATION WITHBAGATOV FILMSMy name Borat.I like you. I like sex.It's nice.This my country of Kazakhstan.It locate between Tajikistanand Kyrgyzstan......and assholes Uzbekistan.This my town of Kuzcek.This Urkin, the town rapist.Naughty, naughty.Over here, our town kindergarten.And here live Mukhtar Sakanov......town mechanic and abortionist.This my house. Entry, please.He is my neighbor,Nursultan Tulyakbay.He is pain in my assholes.I get a window from a glass,he must get a window from a glass.I get a step, he must get a step.I get a clock radio, he cannot afford.Great success.This is Natalya.She is my sister.She is number four prostitutein all of Kazakhstan.Nice.This is my mother.She oldest womanin whole of Kuzcek.She is 43. I love her.And this my wife, Oxana.She's boring.What you say about me,you skinny piece of shit?Not now, please.Why don't you do somethingusefuI and dig your mother a grave.Come in here, please. Ignore.This is where I lives. My bed.This is a VCR recorder.And this play cassettes.Now I show you outsidefrom my houses.My hobbies, Ping-Pong......sunbathe......disco dance......and on weekends,I traveI to capitaI city......and watch ladieswhile they make toilet.My profession, work as atelevision reporter for Kazakhstan.Please, you see.THE RUNNING OF THE JEW 2004Here comes the Jew.It's a big one this year.Whoaaa...He nearly got the money there.Wait, here comes Mrs. Jew.She's stopped.Is she? Is she?Here it comes.She's laid a Jew egg.Go kids! Crush thatJew chick before he hatches!Although Kazakhstan glorious country,it have problem too.Economic, sociaI and Jew.This why Ministry of Informationhave decide to send me to U.S. and A......greatest country in the world,to learn lessons for Kazakhstan.I will traveI with most venerableproducer, Azamat Bagatov.Azamat.No, not film me!Film him.Urkin, not too much raping...Humans only.Doltan, I'll get youa new arm in America.I go to America!America!Wave goodbye to yourclock radio, asshole!If you cheat on me,I will come over there......and snap off your cock.JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPOR New York CityI arrived in America's airportwith clothings, U.S. dollars......and a jar of Gypsy tearsto protect me from AIDS.Stand clear of the closing doors,please.Hello, my name Borat.I not American. I new in town.Nice to meet you.Hello, nice meet you.Hey, what your name?My name is mind your ownfucking business.Stand clear of the closing doors,please.Oh, hello. Nice meet you.My name Borat.- What's happening?- Nice meet you.Get the fuck out of herebefore I break your jaw, bro.- Yo, step the fuck off, bro.- Okay. Okay.- You're fucking with the wrong one, man.- Okay. Sorry.Oh, shit.Okay, okay, wait.I get it. Please, relax.I'll get him! CarefuI, he bite.- Hey, man, what are you doing?- Okay, relax.Okay. Okay.Okay, okay, relax.Okay. Okay, wait.Okay, no problem. Sorry.Welcome to the Wellington HoteI.GUY BORGES,Manager, Wellington HoteIDo you want to pay for the entire stay now?- I pay for one night. How much?- Fine.One night is $ 117.13.We'll call it 85.No, we can call it 117.Let me get the door for you.Come on in.Very nice.Very nice room.We're not in the room yet, sir.Hold on.You might wanna repack.We're gonna be moving again shortly.I will not move to a smaller room.Sir, this is your floor.I'm gonna take you to your room.- This is not my room?- This is the elevator.It takes you to the floorwhere your room is.Nice. Nice.King in the castle.King in the castle.I have a chair. I have a chair.Oh, go do this. Go do this.King in the castle.Hello, nice meet you.My name Borat.I am new in town.- Get away from me.- I just- I kiss you, say hello.It arrive.Hello, my name Borat.I am new in town.- I say hello and I-- Do not touch me.- Do not get near my face.- I kiss you.Yeah, you kiss me,I'll pop you in the fucking balls.What mean, "balls"?Very nice.Very nice. How much?Hello, nice meet you. My name Borat.Get away!What are you doing?Wait, I want to say hello.What is the problem?This has beenmost happiest day of my lifes.I was very exciteto start my reportings.America is known for itssense of humor.UN survey say Kazakhstanhave 98th lowest humor.We must improve.Hurry, hurry.Just dry him, no hand relief.How is my back pussy?Not bad. Moist.So what time this interview?Soon, my friend.Gently.Enough!- Hello. My name's Pat Haggerty."PAT HAGGERTY - Humor Coach"- Nice meet you. Borat.- Nice to meet you.Should I make a jokeabout my mother-in-law?Yes. In America,that's a very popular joke.- Do you have a mother-in-law joke?- Yes.I had sexy-timewith my mother-in-law.- A what time?- Sexy-time.I made sexy-timewith my mother-in-law.- You had sex with your mother-in-law?- Yes.I don't think that Americanswould find that funny.- No, it is not a joke.- Yeah.We're talking about humor.Yes, you asked me aboutmy mother-in-law.Do you have a joke about her?No, why make a jokeon a mother-in-law?Do you ever laugh on peoplewith a retardation?Here in Americawe try not to make fun of......or be funny with thingsthat people don't choose.But perhaps you have not seensomeone with a very funny retardation.My brother, Bilo,have a very funny retardation.MentaI retardation causes a lot of painand hardship for a lot of families.Sometime my sister, she show hervagina to my brother, Bilo, and say:"You will never get this!You will never get this! "He behind his cage, crazy, crazy.Everybody laugh.She go, "You never get this! "But one time, he break cageand he get this.And then we all laugh.High five!Now...No, that would not be funnyin America, okay?What is "not" jokes?A "not" joke is when we're tryingto make fun of something......and what we do is we makea statement that we pretend is true......but, at the end, we say, "Not,"which means it's not true.So teach me how to make one.- All right, what color is your suit?- This suit is gray.Gray, I would call it blue, okay?- It's gray.- All right, it's blue-gray.But it's certainlynot black, right?- Let's say it's gray, but-- It is gray.Okay, so a "not" joke,I would say:"That suit is black. Not! "This suit is not black.- No, no, "not" has to be the end.- Oh, okay.This suit is black not.This suit is black, pause-You know what a pause is?- Yes.- This suit is black. Not!This suit is black. Pause. Not.No, you don't say "pause. "This suit is black.That's a pause. Not!This suit is black.Okay...- I don't- I'm not-- Not!Everybody say U.S.A. televisionmuch better......but this I watch for three hours,do not change.There's a remote controI here.Push these two arrowsto change the channeI.I got him, I got him, I got him!I have the urge tobury something else.Yes!- I love you.- Oh, I love you too, Jamie.I love you.- Do you believe in magic, Miss-?- Parker, C.J.It's a pleasure to meet you, C.J.Be carefuI! Be carefuI, C.J.!This C.J. was like no Kazakh womanI had ever seen.She had golden hairs,teeth as white as pearls......and the asshole of a 7-year-old.For the first time in my lifes......I was in love.Get up! Get up!Why aren't you ready!We have people to interview today.I understand.Learn what you can fromthis women's group.My hair?It's beautifuI. Don't worry.In Kazakhstan it is illegaI for more thanfive woman to be in the same place......except for in brotheI or in grave.In the U.S. and A., many womens meetin groups called Feminists.I find more."VETERAN FEMINISTS OF AMERICA"So, what means this feminism?It's the theory that womenshould be equaI to men......in matters economic, sociaI-- Now you are laughing.- Yes.That is the problem.Do you think a womanshould be educate?Definitely.But is it not a problem that a womanhave a smaller brain than a man?That is wrong.But the government scientist,Dr. Yamak,prove it's the size of squirreI.Your government's scientist?- Yes, Dr. Yamak.- He's wrong. He's wrong.Give me a smile, baby.Why angry face?Well, what you're sayingis very demeaning.- Do you know the word "demeaning"?- No.We are saying to you...I could not concentrate on whatthis old man was saying.All I could think about was thislovely woman in her red water-panties.Who was this C.J.?Last night I see in my hoteI room......a woman called C.J.on the television.- Do you know her?- No.She from a towncalled Baywatches.- She's just on television.- Her name is Pamela.- Do she live here in New York City?- She lives in California.- In the California.- He's gonna look her up.Okay, can we finish now?Listen, pussycat, smile a bit.- All right. That's it. I'm done.- We're finished. We have to leave.Although I was obsessed by this C.J.,I could not pursue her......or else my wifewould snap off my cock.Mr. Sagdiyev?- Yes?- I have a telegram for you.- You can read?- Yes, I can."Dear Borat Sagdiyev......your wife, Oxna......was walking your retarded Biloin the woods......when a bear attackedand violated and break her.She is now dead. "You say my wife is dead?This is what it's...Yes, sir. I'm sorry to inform you,but that's what the telegram says.High five! Great!What do you mean, California?I have arranged all our filmingfor New York.But we need to leave New Yorkto find the reaI America:Rodeos, cowboys...It will be better for our documentary.But why California?What's there?PearI Harbor is there...And so is Texas.Eventually, I persuade Azamatthat we would travel to California......and make our reportingsalong the way.He insists we not fly in case the Jewsrepeated their attack of 9-11.Okay, I'll find another wayfor us to get there.My name is Mike.I'm gonna be your driving instructor."MICHAEL PSENICSKA,Perry Hall Driving SchooI"Welcome to our country, okay.- My name Borat.- Okay, okay. Good, good.Well, I'm not used to that,but that's fine.Now, you do knowhow to drive a little bit?- Yes.- Yes. Put it in D.- What?- Drive.Now, wait a second. Wait a second.- Have you driven a car before?- Yes, many times.All right, let's go this way.I don't want you hitting anybody.Use two hands, now.- What?- Two hands.But then it look like I am holdinga Gypsy while he eat my chram.I don't care. You use two handswhen you drive, okay?Okay.- Okay.- Watch the children.Okay, no problem.You must not hit the children.Look, there is a woman in a car.Can we follow her?- And maybe make sexy-time with her?- No, no, no.- Let's get her. Why not?- No, no, no.Because a woman has a rightto choose who she has sex with.- What? You joke?- How about that? Isn't that amazing?There must be consent.How about that?That's good, huh?- Is not good for me.- It is good.- Steer the car.- Okay.- You want have a drink?- You can't drink that.- Why not? What?- It's against the law.Who is this car that follow us?I wish it didn't follow us.- I don't know.- Maybe we'll lose them.No, we better not lose them.Hey, don't look at me.Eat my tits!We'll make a right turn up here.Don't look at me like that.I will eat your shit.- Hey, you fuck my mother!- Hey, hey.- No, he do before. He look on me.- You can't do that.They're gonna throw us in jaiI,me with you.Why in a jaiI? He look on me.- Behind.- You can't say that.I like you, do you like me?- I do like you.- You are my friend?You're nice and I am your friend.You will be my boyfriend?- I won't be your boyfriend.- Why not? You do not like me?I could be. It depends.Well, boyfriend, yeah, I can.Great success.Now time to make purchaseof motorcars.I want to have a car that attracta woman with a shave down below.Well, that would be a Corvetteor a Hummer.JIM SELL GM Salesman Well, thatwould be a Corvette or a Hummer.JIM SELLGM SalesmanJIM SELL GM Salesman We willtry to help you out here.We will try to help you out here.A man yesterday tell meif I buy a car......I must buy onewith a pussy magnet.He means a car that women will like.Yes, but where you keepthis magnet?No, there's no magnet. That was just-He means the vehicle.Women love the Hummers.- Do this have a pussy magnet?- No.The vehicle itself will be a magnet.If I give you good price,will you please put in pussy magnet?Yeah, but there's no such thingin this country as a magnet.If this car drive intoa group of Gypsy......will there be any damage to the car?- It depends on how hard you hit them.- Hard.Yeah, hard. You might......if somebody rolls on the windshield,crack your windshield.How fast do I need to goto guarantee I kill him?Let me tell you something,with this vehicle, probably doing 35...- ... 40 miles an hour would do it.- Great.When I buy my wife......at the start,she was cook good.....her vagina work welland she strong on plow.But after three years,when she was 15......then she become weak, her voicebecome deep, "Borat, Borat. "She receive hair on chest......and her vaginahang like sleeve of wizard.How do I know thatthis will not happen with a car?Chevrolet guarantees thatwith a warranty.I like very much buy this Hummers.- How much is it?- Fifty-two thousand.I am looking for something between$600 to $650.We don't have any cars for 650that you can buy.I might be able to sell youa wholesale car.A car with a lot of miles for 700with no warranty.- Okay.- Come on.California, I coming!First stops on our journeywas Washington, D. C......home of mighty U.S. warlord,Premier Bush.Look who has an embassy here!Uzbekistan. Fuck you, motherfuckers!Look who has an embassy here!Uzbekistan.Fuck you, motherfuckers!We arrive here to learnfrom American politic.Azamat arrange interviewwith Party official from ruling regime.BOB BARR Former Georgia Congressman Azamat arrangeinterview with Party official from ruling regime.- We are good friend, Bob Barr, yes?- I hope so. "BOB BARR,Former Georgia Congressman"It is a custom have cheeseat the start.Thank you.My wife, she make this cheese.Very nice.She make it from milk from her tit.After interview, I encounterstraditional American street festival.GAY PRIDE PARADEPeople here were much more friendlythan in New York.Next morning, I interview politicianwho is a genuine chocolate-face.No makeup.On Sunday,I arrive in Washington."ALAN KEYES,2x Republican PresidentiaI Candidate"On Sunday,I arrive in Washington.There was a parade.I make two friendsfrom this parade.I invite them backmy hoteI room.We drink like normalin Kazakhstan.We wrestle like normalin Kazakhstan.Then they say,"I wash you in a shower,"and he wash me in a shower.It sounds likeyou met somebody who is from......what is called in America,the gay community.- What it mean, "gay," this word?- HomosexuaI.A homosexuaI? You mean...?Are you telling me the man who tryto put a rubber fist in my anus......was a homosexuaI?Even though my anus was broken......I knew that rest of our journeywould be great success.We left Washingtonand continued towards California.Howdy, partners!Yes, minister, we're on schedule.Yes, I'm standing inthe middle of Times Square.It's time to prepare for yourTV appearance.Remember to talk of singingnationaI anthem at rodeo.Don't worry, I am a Tv professionaI.Now, building our station around you.This is 16 WAPT News This Morning......named best newscast in the stateby the Associated Press.This morning we havea speciaI guest here in the studio.This is Borhat Sagadiyev.He is traveling across America to getthe taste of life here in the United States.He spent the last few days here.- Good morning to you.- Hello, my name Borat. Hello.Hello. Thank you.Before we start, can you tell me,because I want make urines......then I come back here and...If you tell meone minute before we start-We started. We are actually liveon the air right now.- I am very excite.- Yes.Hello, U.S. and A.! Hello, U.S. and A.!I'm very excite!I'm very excite to be here.And hello!Hello to you as well.Now, reaI quickly, why are you herein the United States?Because I want to learnfrom U.S. and A......your culture, and to understandfrom how a thing happen......and to take this lessonback to my country.- All right. Would you like to have a seat?- Yes.Please sit, please sit, please sit.Now, one of the thingsthat you've enjoyed so much about-Can I have a microphoneso people can hear me?They can hear you right now.You are miked up.This right here,that's the microphone.Hello. Hello, nice meet you.Well, welcome to the United States.Thank you very much for coming on.When you come to Kazakhstan...- ... you can stay in my house.- Well, thank you so much.You can sleep my houseand you can use my sister.Meteorologist Ken Johnsonwill have the latest......on tropicaI storm Emilywhen we return.Ten seconds, stand by.This is 16 WAPT News This Morning.Traffic is flowing along smoothlyalong Interstate 55.Dry conditions.If you're heading to the north......not too far away from Attala County,there's some showers there.Check that out onthe radar this morning and-Thank you, very nice for have me.What your name?We're on air right nowdoing the weather.- What your name?- We're doing the weather right now.Go over here with Adrian.She's calling you to go over here.- It is a she?- Yes.- Very nice.- Yeah, go. Go-- Go over here with-- What is your name?I'm the weather guy.Okay...Let's go over to the weather.You can see the radar, right now......showing some showersand storms up to the north-Okay. All right, let me-Nice to meet you.Showers and storms north ofYazoo City up towards Kosciusko-Thank you, bye-bye.You're singing at a rodeo tonight!Why didn't you mention it?What can I do, they are notprofessionaI.Get a move on, we haveWe welcome you to the 38th annualKroger Valleydale Championship Rodeo.Of course, every picturethat we get back......from the terrorists or anything else,the Muslims, they look like you...- ... black hair and a black mustache.- Yes.Shave that dadgummed mustache offso you're not so conspicuous.So you look like maybe an Italianor something......as far as when peoplelooking at you.I see a lot of people and I think,"There's a dadgummed Muslim.I wonder what kind of bombhe's got strapped to him. "- Yes.- And you probably aren't a Muslim.- Maybe that's not your religion.- No, I am a Kazakh. I follow the hawk.But you look like one of them.This thing gets over withand when we win it......and kick the butts over there......and all of them son-of-a-buckshanging from the gallows......by that time,you will have proven yourself......and you'll be accepted.- Take care.- Thank you.- I ain't gonna kiss you.- Why not?The people that do the kissingare the ones that float around like that.- Are they all...?- Yeah. Stay away from them that kiss.- Okay.- You don't want nobody kissing.In my country they take them to jaiIand finish them.- Take them and hang them.- Yes.- That's what we're trying to get done.- High five.Ladies and gentlemenof Salem, Virginia......would you please give a warm,American welcome......to a gentleman who has comeall the way from Kazakhstan......and we are honoredto have singing our nationaI anthem.Ladies and gentlemen,Borat Sagdiyev.My name Borat.I come from Kazakhstan.Can I say first,we support your war of terror.May we show our supportto our boys in Iraq.May U.S. and A.kill every single terrorist.May your George Bushdrink the blood......of every single man, womanand child of Iraq.Yeah!May you destroy their countryso that for the next thousand years......not even a single lizardwill survive in their desert.To show our friendship......I now will singour Kazakh nationaI anthem......to the tune ofyour nationaI anthem.Please stand.We nearly died last night.This journey is cursed.We should have stayed in New York.I was sad.The rodeo peoplesdid not like me.What if Pamela didnot like me too?We needed somethingto change our fortunes.Look, Azamat, a Gypsy village.Let us extract some of their tearsso we can remove the curse.Do not fear me, Gypsy,all I want from you is your tears.Please give them to meor I will take them.I'm not a Gypsy.I'm a Midwestern farmer's daughter.Americana.You have many treasures.Who did you rob for this?We didn't rob them.They came from the house.I will look in your treasures, Gypsy.Is this understood?I will look on them.Please do.Who is this lady you have shrunk?Was she the owner of this housethat you camp in front of?There's a couple more child's dolls.Do not try and shrink me, Gypsy.I serious.- These are your spells?- No.There's a good one,The Millionaire Mindset.There you go.- Baywatch.- Baywatch?It means she love me.Azamat!Azamat, great success!I've got the tears.Onwards to California!Let's go.What's that you've got there?It's nothing. Don't worry about it.Are we going the right way?I don't know, this map is from 1917.Where the hell are we?Hey, stop that goddamn van!Hey, baby, wanna go out?Wanna go out, honey?I'm going to stop and ask.No, no, no, keep going. Keep going.I need the directionto California, please.- To California?- You a long way from home.Who you with, man?Who you with, who you with?I traveI with my friend, Azamat Bagatov.We traveI across the country.You can't be talking all that.You gotta be talking English right here.You look like MichaeI Jackson, "Beat It. "Man, you better-I like you peoples.Can you teach me how to dress?How can I be like you?You need to let them jeans down.Pull them down?Don't pull them down like-- Like a ho?- No, no, no.- Like a this?- Yeah.But don't showyour Huggies though, man.What the hell? Is that fishnet?No, no, no, these are my antipants.- What kind of music you listen to?- I like very much Corky Bucek.You know Corky Bucek?Can you teach me speak like you?What you trying to say?- How you say, "How do you do?"- What's up with it?- What's that with it?- Yeah.Pull over and let's seeif we can stay here.What's up with it, vanilla-face?Me and my homey, Azamat,just parked our slab outside.Please.We are looking for somewhere topost up our black asses for the night.So bang-bang, skeet-skeet, nigga.We just a couple of pimps, no ho's.- Sir, you gotta leave.- Okay.Leave now or we're gonna call the copsand we'll have you taken out.We can't stay here,they are 'player haters. '- Hi. Hello.- You have a room for tonight?Oh, yes. Yes, definitely.- Come on in.- Great.Your friend also.A beautifuI house, this.All the paintingsin the house, I did.What is this man?This is a Yemenite Jew andhe's working on a piece of jewelry.They, Yemenites,were also jewelers.Why you have a picture of a Jew?Because I'm Jewish, so Ihave lots of pictures of Jews.This is the room and...- Do you need two pillows?- Yes.Great. Thank you. Lovely place.They're Jews.I know that now.They'll kill us.We need to escape.- Wait, wait.- Okay.Hello.- How are you?- Great.You guys getting settled in?This is a speciaI sandwich for you.I not so hungry.He can eat this.He fat.No, no.- You gonna eat, because-- Take a half.- Take a half and then you'll see.- Take a half.Yeah. I not so hungry.You eat a little bit.Go ahead and eat somethingbecause you're hungry.Yes.I don't want to see you go hungry.What is this picture over here?Okay...It is 3 in the morning.I am in a nest of Jews.They have cleverly shiftedtheir shapes.One of them has taken the formof a little old woman.You can barely see her horns.She have tried topoison me already.These rats are very clever.Look, the Jews haveshifted their shapes.OK, OK. How much shallI give them?I don't know...More. Give them more.Go. Go.Let's go back to New York,at least there's no Jews there.Calm down.We'll keep heading to California.Why California?What's so speciaI about California?We are going to California!And get killed on the way?!Relax, Azamat!I will get us protection.What is the best gunto defend from a Jew?I would recommendeither a 9 millimeter or a. 45.Very nice.It like I movie star, Dirty Harold.- Yes, sir.- Come on and make my day, Jew.But he would not sell me gunsince I not American.So I look for other protection.MUNCH RANCHExotic AnimaI Dealer- What type of dog is this?- This is a tortoise.Is this a cat in a hat?No, it's a tortoise in a shell.Yes.I need animaI for protection.What you have for me?We're safe.Now we continue to California.High five!Great! Nice.Switch it off.It so annoying!Ice cream!Happy times. We were safeand well on our way to Pamela.It was time to get back to work.Kazakhstan needs to learnabout American fine dining.First, a lady willteach you southern manners.How long have I got?An hour. Then you havedinner date with high society.Hello and nice meet you."KATHIE B.MARTIN-Etiquette Coach"Hello, it's so nice to meet you.Welcome to America.Will you please teach mehow to dine like gentleman?Of course, I'll be happy to.Is it polite to greet peoplewhen I make entry?"THE MAGNOLIA MANSION-Dining Society"Yes, it is.- Let me introduce you around.- Yes.- You're gonna have to-- I'm Mike. Mike Jared.Hello, I'm Bethany Weston.- Lovely to see you.- Nice.- How you do?- How do you do? My name's Ben.Should I pay interest in peoplesaround the table-sides?Yes.And, if it is a big table,a very long table......you might want to restrictyour conversation...- Yes.- ... to people right in your vicinity.- Very nice.- So you are not yelling.What do you do?- I'm the pastor of a church.- Yes.- What do you do?- I have spent years in construction.I'm recently retired.- You are retard?- Yes.PhysicaI or mentaI?- Retired.- No, no, not retarded.- I don't work anymore.- Stopped working.It's very good you allow retard......to eat with you in the same place.That's not what we're sayingabout this man.He is not whatyou would refer to as retard.- No.- No, no. Not at all.Do you have a telephonein this village?Of course.Should I show photos of my family?You have photos of your family?WonderfuI.This my favorite son, Huey Lewis.- Okay.- Yes.- He looks happy.- Yes.He very strong.- My goodness, is that him holding you?- Yes. Very strong.He grow three centimeter.He now 17 centimeter long.I'm not sure I would show thesephotos of him without clothes on.Should I pay complimentsto the peoples?Yes, but only if you truly agreewith that compliment.You have a very gentle face...- ... and a very erotic physique.- Thank you.- You're correct.- Yes.That's a very good observation.She is your wife?Nope. That's my wife.In my country,they would go crazy for these two.Not so much.What should I say ifI need to go to the shit hole?You mean to the restroom?- To the place to make the shit.- The bathroom? Okay. What you-Not to bath. To make dirt from anus.- Not a bath, right. The toilet.- The brown-- Where you make- You understand?- Yes. Yes.- Bad? Bad thing from it.- Yes.- What you do is you say:- Brown."Excuse me,I need to go to the restroom. "Excuse me, is it possibleto go and do a, you know...- To be excused?- How you say in the, you know...Upstairs.Just say, "Excuse me a moment. "- I need to go, what you say...- That works. Thank you.- Can you go upstairs?- Yes, thank you.I think that the culturaI differencesare vast...- Exactly.- ... and I think he's a delightfuI man.....and it wouldn't take very much timefor him to really become Americanized.Thank you very much.I feeI much better.- Cindy, where shall I put this?- Just-Where should I put this?Maybe in the other restroomdown here.In the-Excuse me-Excuse me for just a moment, please.You roll off like this......and you wipe your bottomand you put the paper- Look.- You, wipe mine?- No, I don't. You do.- This is a very private thing.- The host cleans the anus of the other?No, no, no.Nobody touches you, except you.Can I bring a guest to dinner?If you have been invitedto a home or to a party...- Yes.- ... it is acceptable to bring a guest...- ... if you ask your host in advance.- Yes.GeneraI Stonewall Jackson,Robert E. Lee.I think this my friend.- Hello?- Hi, I'm looking for Borat.- Yes, it's me.- Oh, hi, honey.- I'm Luenell. Hi, hi.- Hello, nice to meet you.- This my friend, Luenell.- Hi.Oh, okay...You all having a dinner party.Well, we were. I don't know exactlywhat all that we're doing-It is getting very, very late.Excuse me, I'm going to have to go.- Okay. Very nice.- It's getting very, very late......and it's time that, you know......we were endingour dinner party and everything.- I apologize-- But can't she come for desserts?Absolutely not,and neither can you.- The sheriff is on his way.- I hope so.I've already called them.Why you call police?Have the retard escaped?I want say I very sorryhow they treat you in this house.Thank you.I was thinkingmaybe I'd just take the night off.Why don't we just go outand have some fun?What do you think about that?You want to come with us?Up yours!Hi! My name Borat.- This my friend, Luenell.- Hi, Luenell.She is a prostitute.You were funny on that bull.Everybody almostsee your underpants.I never rode a bull before.Well, you wanna-?You wanna come in for a little while?I would like very much......but I in lovewith a woman in Malibu.It would not be nice to herfor me to...Okay, well, if you're ever in town again,this way, you know, look me up.If I ever in town again, Luenell......I would very much liketo pay you for sex.Good night, Luenells.Good night, Borat.You say my name right. Borat.People say Borakor Billy or Bob.Bye."Pamela is a fairly simple girI,she recently explained.'There's not a whole lot of logicin the way I live my life.I am very spontaneous. ' "I'm very spontaneous too.I needed a gift to give to Pamela......so that she would grant meentry into her vagina.Therefore, I convinced Azamat to let mefilm a report in an American store.Don't spend more than $3.We're low on money.This your shops?Right, this is my antique shop.Why do you have so many thingswith a flag?We're honoring our heritage.Now, what in here? What is this?These are a number of collectibles.I mean, this is a lamp that, you know,you would use in your home.This is a Chinese cloisonn bell.And this is a littledecorative duck.And do you think, you know,when they-?I'm sorry. Wait, wait, wait.- We need help, baby.- No, it's okay.I sorry.Sorry. I will repair all of this.Don't worry. My friend,he can make glue and-I don't think you're gonna be able toglue it. You're gonna have to pay for it.Okay, I have a digitaI watchfrom the future.I will give you.Is worth more than all of this.You broke $425 worth of stuff.Hundred and sixty, 170, 180.- That's not enough.- Do you want hair-?No, I don't want any damn hair.This is best hair in Kazakhstan.FeeI the quality.I don't want your damn hair.This is hair from pubis.I can get 2000 bags by next Friday.We don't use that stuffin this country.Have you offered them pubic hair?Yes!Just give me another 20.It was a mistake.You screwed up again.I didn't see the truck.I slipped on it and that was it.Only an idiot could do this.Would you have believed this if Ihad told you? All right. Go. Go. Go.You've ruined this documentaryand almost bankrupt us.So call the ministryand get more money.What?! If I did that,they would kill us!California had better be as goodas you say, or we're finished.You bastard.What's the matter with you?How dare you makehand-party over Pamela.Why do you care who Ipleasure myself to?Because I love this woman.She's the reasonwe traveI to California!What?You lied to me!You lied about California!Eat my asshole!Holy...Okay.We have a speciaI guest herethis evening. Ruth Feiner is here."MORTGAGE BROKERS - ANNUAL BANQUET"Get the fuck out of here!So bad news.Azamat have leave.I wake up, he disappear......and he take Oxana, my bear.Our bear.And he also decideto take all money......and also my passport.And he leave me......only this bag, with a hen......and ticket to Kazakhstan.But no passport.But at least he is......man enough to leave me......my beautifuI.Which I have cleanedsince last night.And I have decide to......continue making documentary.Make it without Azamat.I think it will be better......and we will have moresuccess without him.I only want 17 cents, please.I had no car, no moneyand no Azamat.The only thing keep me going......was my dream of one dayholding Pamela in my arms......and then making romance explosionon her stomach.Eventually, I managed to hike a hitchingswith group of young scholars......also traveling across country.CHI PSI FRATERNITY BROTHERUniv. of S. Carolina- How you doing? How you doing?- Where the fuck are you from, baby?I am from Kazakhstan.- Welcome to fucking America!- Hey, have a seat. Let's go.- What's your name?- Anthony.- Anthony?- Yes.- Anthony.- And Justin.- Justin.- And David.- David.- Bartender Dave.Very nice.- Can you open this, please?- Oh, sure.Thank you very much.So you like the bitches out therein the fucking old Russia, there?- What?- The bitches in old Russia.How are the women?The fucking ho's, baby!The fucking girls!- You fuck the shit out of them!- Yes!Then you never call them again.Why you don't call them? Becausethey do not have a telephone, yes?No, not because of that.They don't have my respect,you know? I mean...So, what are you doinghere in America?They film me traveIacross U.S. and A.I don't know what you'resaying, man, but that's cooI!Let's get drunk!- Yes! High five!- High five!This is America in a bottle.- Oh, baby!- Oh, baby!- Borat, let me hear it. Oh, baby!- Oh, the baby!Suck, suck, suck!Let me tell you game we play.Can I hear a game you play?We play a game called"When the snake eat the pig. "- When the snake eat the huh?- The snake eat the pig.- You get a baby mouse, very small...- Baby mouse?...and you put a bit of cheese inhole of your chram,untiI it go inside.That is too crazy for me.I'll do it. I don't give a fuck,I'll do it.Let me ask you this.Are woman-?Are women your slaves in Russia?No. Do you have slaves here?- We wish. We wish.- No slaves.- It is a shame.- Hey, Borat.Big shame. Big shame.It would be better country if...Yes, it'd be better country.We should have slaves.Our country,the minorities actually have more power.Anyone that is minorityhas the upper hand.We have the Jews. We have anybodythat's against the mainstream.- Do you want to see my new wife?- Yes!This my new wife.- Pamela!- You know her?Pamela! I know of Pamela.I will take her virginfor the first time.- I am going to put this shit on.- Put it on.Borat, Borat.We have a lot to talk about.I will take her virgin.I will uncork her.Borat, Borat.She is no virgin, Borat.- Is not true.- She is no virgin, buddy.Is not true. Liar!Liar, liar, your panties on fire.Borat, shut up.Small Jacuzzi ona fucking small yacht.What she do?- She's sucking some dick, man.- You see her sucking dick?This is not her.I guarantee you that shit'sgonna happen. Don't worry about it.- That's her, Borat. Sorry.- Borat, that's her.This is not her.It's her. I'm sorry.- I'm sure it's her.- I go.- No, no, no.- Titty bar.Come here.You're my man. You're my man.I do not know whyshe is trying to do this.- Come on, Borat. Stay with us, buddy.- We love you.We'll remember you always.Like I taught you.Wait.You're in America now.You'll make it.You- You keep going, okay?You are bigger than a woman.You are better than a woman.We will always be behind you.- Do not let a woman ever, ever...- We'll always be-...make you who you are.- Goodbye, my friends.- Goodbye.My ticket.How will I get home?I sorry, my friend.Go.Go.Run to freedom.Go! Go and live your life!Come on!CHARLES "CHIP" PICKERING U.S.CongressmanIt is good to be here.This is my 1 Oth PentecostaIcamp meeting. A decade.The bottom line is,we're a Christian nation now...JIM SMITH,Chief Justice,State Supreme CourtThe bottom line is,we're a Christian nation now......we were one in the beginning.....and we gonna always be a Christiannation untiI the good Lord returns. Amen.I didn't evolve out of a monkey.I didn't use to be a tadpole.I is what I is.Praise you, Jesus.The Bible says that Godwas manifest in the flesh......and believed on in the world.I got good news.Jesus is God in the flesh.I don't care what the deviI's doneto you or what he's trying to do.All you gotta dois step out of that aisle now......and make your waydown to this altar.Let's have a littleold-time church right now.I need somebody to pray withme right now. Come on, sir!The blood over my neighbor.I bleed the blood over my church.I want you to help me,save me, please.Ladies and gentlemen,the gentleman here......standing right next to me,his name is Bolak.Would you greet him with a great bigJesus name for just a couple of minutes?Thank you.I have no friends.I am alone in this country.Nobody like me.My only friend, Azamat......he take my money and my bearand he leave me alone.Not only this.The woman I love, the reasonI traveI across the country......she have do something terribleon a boat...- ... and now I can never forgive her.- You have to.Is there anybody who can help me?Yes. The one that can help youis who we preached about tonight.- Jesus.- Do Jesus like me?Absolutely, Jesus loves you.Do Jesus like my sons?Jesus loves your sons.Do Jesus lovemy retard brother, Bilo?He loves your brother, Bilo.Do Jesus love my neighbor,Nursultan Tulyakbay?Yes. He loves everybody.Nobody love my neighbor,Nursultan Tulyakbay.Can Jesus heaI the painthat is in my heart?Jesus can heaI your painin your heart.Make him heaI the painthat is in my heart.- Lift your hands and begin to worship.- Lift your hands.Would you lift your hands with himas we pray in the name of Jesus.- God, forgive me of my sins.- God, forgive me-- Forgive me, God. Cleanse me.- Cleanse me.Cleanse me, Lord,in the name of Jesus.Yeah, let that tongue go.Here it comes.We're gonna speak in other tongues.Let that tongue go.Yes, God. Yes, God. Yes, God.Yes! Yes!I will forgive Pamelaand I will go to California.I will go to Malibu with meand my friend, Mr. Jesus......and together we will take her!I took a bus to Los Angeles......with some friends of Mr. Jesus.Finally, I had arrived.Happy times.Marilyn.Azamat?You traitor!Look, I can explain.You attack me. My moustachestill taste of your testes!Calm down.Let me explain.What did you do with the bear?She ran off. I'm sorry,I'm sorry.Hey! Fuck off, Death!You need to calm yourself!You have to calm down!Well, that's another finemess you've gotten me into.I had not come to Hollywoodto fight a man dressed as Hitler.I had come to makePamela Andersons my wife.So I forgave Azamat.I knew you'd make it here, Borat.I felt so bad thatI prepare this for you.It's everything I couldfind on Pamela.Last Friday she appeared for a groupwho are against cruelty to animals.Against cruelty to animals?And tomorrow she'sdoing a signing.She wrote a book.What? A woman has written a book?Dr. Yamak would never believe this.I know.We will go to thishistoricaI event......and I will marry Pamela there......but in the traditionaIKazakhi way.Azamat, let's prepare thewedding sack.You forgive me, yes?Yes.Having learned many lessonsfrom U.S. and A......I will now teach America howto have a wedding Kazakhi-style.You find more.PAMELA ANDERSONAUTOGRAPH SIGNING, Orange, CAVery excite. Very excite.Hi. Hi, everyone.I love you.It is me, Borat.- Well, thanks for coming, you guys.- Thank you!I love Pamela Anderson.- Really?- Yes.Go ahead.- Hi.- Hello.Make it out to someone?My name Borat Sagdiyev.I son of Asimbala Sagdiyev......and Boltak, the rapist.I former husband of Oxana Sagdiyev......who was daughter ofMiriam Tulyakbay......and Boltak, the rapist.I make this for you, this...There are our name.My name- Your name,Pamela Anderson and Borat Sagdiyev.Here's today's date.And this say that it is today's date,our wedding......and then this inside is silk.Pamela, will you marry me?No, thanks. I'm sorry.No. Agreement not necessary.Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Get off!- Get your own wife!- Fucking shit!Come on, get her!Wait, Pamela.Don't worry, I nervous too!Pamela, wait.Pamela, I will give youyour own plow.Get out of the way!Watch out, watch out.- Get on the ground.- Hands behind your back.- Okay. Pamela...- We're gonna stand you up.- Bring your knees up.- All right.Pamela,I am not attracted to you anymore!Not!I was humiliated.It was time for meto return to New York......where a ticket was waiting for meto fly back home.While I sat on the bus, I thought ofmy journey over the past three weeks.The great times.The good times.And the shit times.Mainly, they were shit times.I had come to Americato learn lessons for Kazakhstan......but what had I learned?Suddenly, I realized.I had learned thatif you chase a dream......especially one with plastic chests......you can miss the real beautyin front of your eyes.Hi.Welcome back in my town of Kuzcek.Since I return,there have been much improvements.We no longer haveRunning of the Jew.It's crueI.We Christians now.Doltan improve too.Hey, Doltan. High five!Great.Come my house.There Nursultan Tulyakbay.He still asshole.I get iPod.He only get iPod Mini.Everybody know it for girls.Come.And this my beautifuI wife.Thank you for watch my film.I hope you like.You’re such a slug, gtfo