#➶

[brainweird-equilibrium]

so, we have broken up with our (Crow's) girlfriend

not really negative or positive, just necessary! even if crow were a singlet the whole avpd thing means that we're not really capable of saying no even when we know in the first place what we want, and in the context of important things like relationships I think knowing that we're not actually able to meaningfully consent even to being in them is a good reason to not be part of it at all, even if we do want it.

does that make sense?

also, since I talked to her the other day, she, uh, straight up doesn't like me, which I don't know how to feel about. like I don't know her and I have a level of disinterest bc I want to leave Crow's stuff to her. but she said I was "kinda mean" and I really don't think I was!

#➶ #zed personal #zed post

[nemophilisty]

Artemis

The mother made us a savage daughter Who never begs for forgiveness...

The gods have made us a virgin hunter Who, in the storm, becomes stillness...

#➶ #Frey Everschade #Balmung #Miqo'te #FFXIV #Final Fantasy XIV

[jaspahh]

#today #➶

[biographieduneamemeurtrie]

Let me start, at the beginning when i first set eyes on you. I knew that you’d be the one the one that makes me feel like living you’re the one that makes me feel all of this fuckin' love you the one that makes me feel like living cause you heart is still so pure

#➶

[brainweird-equilibrium]

I find it hard to believe that there are people who can have sex and just genuinely enjoy it and not want to crawl out of their skin and die .

#➶ #zed personal #I'm not being hyperbolic I have a pretty high level of confidence that everyone is just pretending it's ok

[brainweird-equilibrium]

I speak very slowly, and I take a lot longer to formulate even simple sentences into mouth words than NT people are ever willing to wait, even when I explain that I need extra time.

I tell people it's an autism thing and that's not entirely wrong. but I have plenty of words. my thought process is extremely verbally based, if I know what I'm saying then I can execute it perfectly fine. it's just that there is so much, all the time. so many voices inside arguing, shouting out, wanting to be heard, and yet this bodymind is built of fear and we can't let ourselves actually speak. so my job when I'm in the front is to pull all of that together and push it aside and figure out what is expected and say it.

people often tell us we're so good at communicating clearly, but I don't think there is a single part in here that has ever felt heard. I hate hearing that. every time everyone starts thinking about what they've never been able to say, and then the fear sets in and we all start internally policing and coming up with all these awful things if anyone actually heard us, and I do the awkward half smile and say "thanks, though I don't know I have much to say", and everyone bashes themselves against the walls blocking them from the world

#➶ #osddid #zed personal #zed post

[brainweird-equilibrium]

sick of this. messaged crow’s gf (who we know doesn’t “believe in” DID) that i think we have it). that can go however it goes. crow can get upset later about it or not. crow has stopped me & inge from telling her already and we were trying to give her time and she just hasn’t done it. she can’t keep trying to shove us aside.

#➶ #zed post #zed personal

[brainweird-equilibrium]

Mars [➶] he/him ftm

I was the host/main fronter for at least a few years, but went dormant around 2017 as a result of traumatic events. I am able to remember many of the events since then, but it feels like someone else’s strange dream that somehow I managed to look in on. Other alter/s reinitiating contact with a certain individual kind of sparked my reawakening over the last year or two, I’ve had a few brief moments of awareness but have only really in 2023 had any significant amount of time in front. This is all a lot for me. Last I checked I had basically just turned 15 and was so depressed and overwhelmed that I literally faded out of existence lmao. And now I’m having to figure out coming to consciousness in a life that just isn’t my own anymore. It’s a really weird experience and stressful to say the least

I am a transsexual man/guy/whatever. I have pretty bad dysphoria but not as bad as when I was out before bc the body has been on T now, which wast a pleasant surprise. I’m an atheist. When I was around before I was kind of aware of the existence of a couple of alters (notably ix, who I called Mask at the time) but didn’t really manage to figure much out.

I like big comfy flannel shirts (well any button ups in general I’m a fan), hot chocolate, chest hair, the idea of being in quiet remote valleys in the bush but not the practical realities of having shit camping food and no real bathroom. I like fantasy, like LOTR, and HEMA. The system’s space & physics Thing that a lot of people have carried on originated with me, which I’m pretty proud of. BIG kerbal space program fan, lover of airplanes and flying. I always thought scene/emo stuff was really cool but was too preoccupied with passing and looking as much like a normal guy as possible, so I never actually got to try it out myself.

Recently (as of jan 23 at least) I’ve been out or relatively close quite a bit, so I’m not difficult to talk to individually.

#alter intro #alter introduction #➶ #did #osddid

[brainweird-equilibrium]

I can tell I'm still fronting bc I'm so sad lol

#➶

[brainweird-equilibrium]

I can tell I'm still fronting bc I'm so sad lol

#➶

[brainweird-equilibrium]

(mars ➶)

managed to talk to my mum (v thankful we have her and she is good) briefly and confusingly about my/our suspected DID. really exhausted from trying to hold onto front while trying to warn her about Crow's current issues without triggering her forward too much to stop me saying anything to anyone. she is very paranoid about a lot of things. I wasn't able to get very far bc talking about it is the biggest trigger that completely kicks everyone else out of consciousness and sends her really speaking. I am afraid because crow was getting things together ready to run from everything at a moments noticed last time she got triggered into a psychotic paranoid spiral. we do not have complete amnesia but I hope enough of this stays far enough from her consciousness that she can be fucking normal about this

exhausted go to sleep now. just needed to mark something down for posterity. if anyone with did or osdd or whatever who's been dealing with it for a while doesn't mind talking I could really do with some advice because this shit is a mess right now and I really don't know how to handle it. last I checked I had just turned 15 I am not equipped for this

---

crow don't delete this post if you find it you fuck random tumblr people are not going to mind meld with anyone. they would have already done it if that was a thing. this is out there already deleting it won't hurt anything except us

#➶ #did #osddid #did advice #cdd

[brainweird-equilibrium]

cw: talk about weight, sex dysphoria

it's annoying all over in terms of practicality, but the most annoying thing for me currently with my weight changing is the fact that my SHOE SIZE is different. and I've literally hurt my feet because of it. my wonderful new docs that my dad bought for me less than 6 months ago are too big and my feet slide around inside them. I went for a walk that was too long a while ago and gave myself blisters, on the last couple km getting home I could feel my sole skin getting folded from the excess movement. I really need to get some more insoles because there's no way I'm going to bother moving the ones I have to every different pair of shoes I own...

also it triggers a little dysphoria, not that bad and I think it'll be ok as long as I don't ruminate on it too much, but I do have a little dysphoria over my foot size. they're not particularly small, US women's 9-9.5 I think (men's 7.5-8?) which I think is a little bigger than average by female standards (big enough that it's hard to find in china/japan lol), but still less than average for men.

I think it's something I gotta figure out how to get over though; there isn't shit I can do about it and I really doubt it's ACTUALLY out of the ordinary enough that anyone's gonna notice shit unless I bring it up

#weight cw #ed cw #dysphoria cw #➶ #zed post