#“you look thinner. are you okay?” my whole family said. uncles. aunts. cousins. my grandma. my parents. even my brother said the same

[gatun-gatunesco]

...

#vent post #tw vent #i want to scream. to destroy something. to be in rage and feel anger. and somehow be strong #but no. all i can do is breakdown and cry. feeling only sadness and sorrow. being weak #just when i tought i could have a new start in were all was going to be fine. it ended worse than before #is like being lifted from a puddle just to be kicked down to the mud #they took 10k from me. how will i pay the rent? i am jobless. Delivery work is not close enough #if the school problem is fixed i might not be able to go. montly fee from them too #“you look thinner. are you okay?” my whole family said. uncles. aunts. cousins. my grandma. my parents. even my brother said the same #somehow i expected to be praised. for a long time they kept asking me to lose weight and makinh fun of my belly. why is bad now? #is because i do not eat? because i do not have enough food? but this is what they wanted! i am looking better right? thinner #i am not suffering hunger. i just do not feel the need anymore. is not that better? My ED is fixed. i am no longer a compulsive eater #is this not the way to love myself again? to feel better with my body? to feel like i can desired after all? #with that i can overcome my flaws. fixing the bad things about myself. be deserving of intimate and deep love #someone that will stay because i am very good. kind. compasive. always smiling. having confidence. being open minded #did not all of that comes by loving myself? is not all better this way? why are they saying the opposite now? #yet i know is not okay. that i need to eat more. i just can not. there is not enough food nor the energy to cook everyday #it does not matter anyway. i will probably need to come back with my parents (at least i can do that). #but how i am going to see them in the face and not feel like a failure. like a parasite once again. be more burden than i already am #all i do is making mistakes with how i am. i could not keep friendship because i still loved them. i still wanted for them to be only mine #and i know is bad. i know is not correct. i know i am not what they want not what they need. that i hurt them more than helping #and yet. i miss they company. they support. they hugs and cares. they smiles and laughs. I messed up everything. perhaps is better like this #they will not need to worry about me anymore and they will not see me struggle with my mistakes and life situations #they could be free from all this mess and fixing they own without me making it worse #i will be fine. somehow. only time will tell how i am going to end #i just want to be hugged in this uglyness and stop making mistakes so the pain can end