#“thats showbiz” bitch this is a community theatre that prides itself on fairness

[bluinary]

Waking up crying because after 2 years of grinding and understudying I was called back to play a real lead for a renowned director (me out of 3 girls total) and I lost the role to a girl who just auditioned here for the first time. The worst part is that I am also her understudy for the show before that!

#and it feels like no one actually gives a fuck. im being constantly invalidated #“thats showbiz” bitch this is a community theatre that prides itself on fairness #im not saying I shouldve just gotten the role bc ive been there. either role. #i am saying though that playing a fucking lead has historically been treated like a privilege. #because it can lead to huge opportunities once ppl see you that way #and tbf I nailed the callback. even the girl cast (whos also my new friend) said honestly she was sure it was me. #before i was even called back i had fellow actors saying id be perfect for it #i know why he cast the other girl. there are multiple reasons. #but honestly her reasons and mine weigh much the same. and she just got there. #im emphasizing SHE JUST GOT THERE #she even told me she just wanted to be involved #this is the 2nd time this has happened to me and im really fucking sick of it. #and now that ive regained some weight.....who tf else will cast me #i dont want to have to go all ED again i dont have the money or energy #also I cant dance very well. at least not in callbacks. i always forget what move comes next and i bomb it. #anyway. now im waking up crying. and its coming from a selfish place so no one is here to give a fuck. #this is the worst position to be in lmfao. if i have feelings about something im the villain and a diva. #i have to be “humble” but oh!! dont be down on yourself either!! have pride!! #this month has sucked so bad. #blu babbles #also. shes really good! but shes absolutely not THAT good lmfao. her presence is awesome and she dances well #and her voice is really nice! shes a triple threat but like. all areas are just *at* the bar yknow? #for me ive been told my acting is also at the bar my dancing is just below the bar and my voice is way above the bar. #shes been asking me for tips on singing and no one also seems to see how that feels like twisting the knife. #ik its not intentional. shes just naive. but it still hurts. it hurts really really bad. #im like @ god if you want me to have faith and confidence in myself why are you making me into a loser #first i lose my ex. then my car gets fucked up. also its been cloudy for 2+ weeks so depression. then i gain weight. #now i lose BOTH roles i was called back for. #i dont even want to go to rehearsal today. what the hell do they need me for.