#<- dont use those labels but i guess ill tag it bc this probably fits

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

is there something wrong with me?

i think i've recently realized that my lack of interest in sex/romance is more like both a fear of it and me being very picky/specific. i mean, i'm fine being single (i think?), but sometimes i do wonder what this stuff is like. i've never kissed anyone or been on a date or had sex or had a romantic relationship or anything. i kinda would like to try this stuff sometime but like... i'm really scared of it and reserved with it? like, i have some unpopular(?) feelings + i get anxious thinking about this stuff, especially sex. bc it's like. first of all, i don't experience attraction often so that would make finding a partner hard enough as is. then there's the fact that i suck at social skills and am ugly. but even if i did somehow find someone to date who also wanted to date me, then there's the issue of... my issues(?) with intimacy. like. like i said, i've never kissed anyone or had sex and... idk if i could just jump right into these things. maybe for kissing but sex??? no... i feel like i'll be called a prude or a puritan for admitting this, but for me, sex isn't something i'd wanna do with just anyone. like, i feel like i'd have to love/be really close to the person and trust them and feel safe and comfortable with them to have sex, especially for the first time i do it... not to sound like a cliche but i'd want my first time to be with someone special, yk? but idk if this is just a stupid fantasy that i've built up in my head that will never happen, not just bc i'm undesirable but also bc i feel like no one would be willing to wait for my walls to break down... like, they'll see i'm not "giving out" so soon and will leave me. but then like i said, another issue is my anxiety/social anxiety and the fact that i'm really scared of pursuing this stuff. idk why it scares me but it does. idk if i'm just not ready or what. idk if i ever will be ready tbh.

i hate myself so much, i'm 23 years old and have never dated/had sex/etc. and i'm still not ready (idk if i ever will be) and/or i'm just scared of sex/romance + i probably have very unrealistic high expecations. i should probably just find someone, anyone who would have me and let them date/fuck me for a little just to get the first experiences over with so that i'm not wasting my time dreaming about something that'll never happen...

i think i'm broken. am i? is there something wrong with me? that's not a rhetorical question, that's genuine. i feel like there is bc everyone around my age seems to already have experiences with this stuff and aren't picky or scared about it all like i am, ntm i constantly see ppl making fun of ppl like me

#meowing #negative #not sfw #demisexual #demiromantic #<- dont use those labels but i guess ill tag it bc this probably fits