#< sorry for putting this in the tag its for my blog organization but ik its annoying

[melancholiaenthroned]

best characters of all time to me:

- kim kitsuragi disco elysium. hes a fantasy centrist unfortunately but i could fix him. i love to analyze his world view and debate in my whether or not it is moral to uphold an immoral system if you know the world is ending and no alternative will be found in time. you stare at the image of a woman who is a goddess and a human and a war criminal, and you wonder if its worth it, but ultimately decide it doesnt matter. everyday you smoke one cigarette and you drive a custom car and you know you look cool and youre trying so hard but you dont know why. but you look at this man who is pathetic and sad and wants impossible change and you feel jealous because in a way, the weight of the world fell through him and he became innocent again. and you feel more divinity from him than you ever felt from her and he vomits on your shoes and cries on shoulder and takes a bullet for you. you find the holy in an insect you denied until you couldnt and you understand everything for just a moment before you go back to understanding nothing. it still doesnt matter.

- grace infinity train. her arc was so so so good and it made me cry and just. you are just a child but you are a mother but you never had an example to learn from and youve been teaching your children to kill without knowing it. you have condemned a small army of children to a longer stay in purgatory, and all you got from an experience meant to fix you is a dead friend and an unsure future. but youre going to be better and youre going to chose to be better every step of the way. and its so hard to chose because why does it matter its so much easier to be bad and mean and hurtful and unlike your children, you dont even have a life for yourself waiting for you. you grew up in hell and you became its queen but you were never a ruler you were just another tortured child playing pretend and trying to mimic their parents.

- calory cruller a crown of candy. for twenty years you smile at a man and you lie and you tell him that you love him and each time you say it it gets easier. it feels less like lie and the taste of his kiss is bitter in your mouth because you know what you will do. you raise his children and you befriend his wife and you hold him close and when you close your eyes can you sometimes pretend that you dont hate him, and sometimes pretend that you dont love him. you write letters to the woman who killed his sister and the man who killed his daughter. you dont feel guilt but maybe you feel pity. mostly youre glad that after all this time, youre finally getting somewhere. you sit on his throne and its still bitter in your throat but you know you made the right choice. you fall at his feet in a mockery of a kneel and you look up at him and his blood mixes with yours and you die in the arms of the man you love/hate.

- caramelinda rocks a crown of candy. you are in love with a woman who knows she will die and who wont tell you when. you hold her every night and wonder if this is the last, and you still arent ready for it when it comes. you marry her brother and looking at him makes you angry and sad and miss her even more. and your daughters look like you and they look like your wife and you cant help but imagine a world in which their father is just their uncle. and you are strict and you think they hate you a little but you dont know what to do because how can you teach them to be soft and sweet when all the world does is take and take and take and even then theyll never be ready? and it does take and you have one daughter and a step-daughter and throne you dont want but they didnt ask for your input. all the world does is take and you just want to lie down and weep and see your wife and your daughter and hold them in your arms but instead you stand at your husbands side and you bite your tongue until it bleeds. you are the matriarch of the world you hate and your crown feels like lead.

- raphael supernatural. youre father is dead and you know hes dead because if he wasnt hed be here. your father loves you and so hes dead. one of your brothers is locked away and you will never see him again and you are not allowed to mourn him. one of your brothers is dead or gone and either way you know your father is dead because he would never let your brother leave or die. one of your brothers is so deep in his denial that he cannot see that your father is dead. your father is dead and you have to be the one to tell your siblings because your brother wont and your father is dead and your not able to mourn him because your brother wont stop lying to himself and your father is dead and you never had a father and your brother is your father but all he wants to do is bring your father back. and all you can do is stare at the remains of your family and wonder if, as the healer, it was your job to fix. it is too broken to fix now, because your father is dead and who are we without our father?

#honourable mentions: clara pathologic. rat a81. sofia lee the unsleeping city. michael supernatural. chara undertale. owen carvour saf. #disco elysium #infinity train #acoc #d20 #spn #< sorry for putting this in the tag its for my blog organization but ik its annoying #queue #long post #poison.txt

[oh-katsuki]

sorry but literally,,,, tumblr really doesn’t want to put me in the tags and no matter how many times I reach out to file a complaint they always say “you’re not flagged as explicit” and then move on without actually doing anything. its like their default response and then nothing changes.

its so incredibly discouraging, especially when I spend a week working on a new chapter for a series that i’m incredibly proud of, only for it to not show up in the tags. I know tags aren’t the only way to get reach and that I have people seeing my content but it just sucks because followers see content depending on how their dash is organized. Plus I won’t be discovered by any new readers. 

I put a lot of work into the shit I write and so far my last three fics haven’t shown up in the tags. it’s incredibly frustrating and makes me dread creating content because sometimes its nice to see that your work has reach. which such because I love writing and writing for y’all, but every time I go to post now I just get bummed out and hyper-fixate (its been happening since I started this blog, its exhausting). 

I dunno, I can’t really explain it but its just frustrating because it slows my account growth as well. ik that’s not the biggest deal because I write for fun and also because i’m a huge simp, but it is a bummer that the amount of people seeing my work is being limited because tumblr is hiding me from the tags. 

it’s so discouraging and really makes me sad. at this point im not even sure what to do. its possible it could be the panels I use on my fics, but they don’t actually break any content rules so it would be frustrating if that were the case. 

regardless, im at a loss here folks. 

#cal speaks #venting #like I dunno it makes me sad and feels a little despondent #I work hard on my stuff n like #I dunno I want people to see it #and im tired of reaching out to staff and getting the same bland ass response #and then absolutely nothing changes