silasselwyn

[silasselwyn]

               bold what applies. i’d give credit, but i can’t find the original, so.

[ PERSONAL ]

$ Financial: wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty

✚ Medical: fit / moderate / ill / disabled / disadvantaged / non applicable

✪ Class or Caste: upper / middle / working / street trash / slave / unsure

✔ Education: qualified / unqualified / studying / other

✖ Criminal Record: yes, for major crimes / yes, for minor crimes / no / has committed crimes, but not caught / yes, but charges were dismissed

[ FAMILY ]

◒ Children: had a child or children / has no children / wants children

◑ Relationship with Family: close with sibling(s) / not close with sibling(s) / has no siblings / sibling(s) is deceased

◔ Affiliation: orphaned / adopted / disowned / raised by birth parent(s) / not applicable

[ TRAITS + TENDENCIES ]

♦ extroverted / introverted / in between

♦ unorganised / organised / in between

♦ close-minded / open-minded  / in between

♦ calm / anxious / in between

♦ disagreeable / agreeable / in between

♦ cautious / reckless / in between

♦ patient / impatient / in between

♦ outspoken / reserved / in between

♦ leader / follower / in between

♦ empathetic / vicious bastard / in between

♦ optimistic / pessimistic / in between

♦ traditional / modern / in between

♦ hard-working / lazy / in between

♦ loyal / disloyal / unknown

♦ faithful / unfaithful / unknown

[ BELIEFS ]

★ Faith: monotheist / polytheist / atheist / agnostic / doesn’t care

☆ Belief in Ghosts or Spirits: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

✮ Belief in an Afterlife: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

✯ Belief in Reincarnation: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

❃ Belief in Aliens: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

✧ Religious: orthodox / liberal / in between / not religious

❀ Philosophical: yes / no

[ SEXUALITY & ROMANTIC INCLINATION ]

❤ Sexuality: heterosexual / homosexual / bisexual / asexual / pansexual / demisexual

❥ Sex: sex repulsed / sex neutral / sex favourable / naive and clueless

♥ Romance: romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favourable / naive and clueless / romance suspicious

❣ Sexually: adventurous / experienced / naive / inexperienced / curious

⚧ Potential Sexual Partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all

⚧ Potential Romantic Partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all

[ ABILITIES ]

☠ Combat Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

≡ Literacy Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

✍ Artistic Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

✂ Technical Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

🏠 Domestic Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

[ HABITS ]

☕ Drinking Alcohol: never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / alcoholic

☁ Smoking: trying to quit / quit / never / trying it / rarely / sometimes / frequently / chain-smoker

✿ Recreational Drugs: never / quit / trying it / rarely / sometimes / frequently / addict

✌ Medicinal Drugs: never / no longer needs medication / some medication needed / frequently / to excess

☻ Unhealthy Food: never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / binge eater

$ Splurge Spending: never / rarely / sometimes / frequently / shopaholic

♣ Gambling: never / rarely / sometimes / frequently / compulsive gambler

#𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐀𝐒 / about.

[silasselwyn]

ARDEN.

“good thing it wasn’t for you,” she says, sliding her hands over towards the shot, taking it with her hand and shooting it back quickly before signalling for another to come her way. “and how are you, blood traitor?” she asks, tilting her head to look at him- and he did, honestly, look like shit, and arden was never one to sugar coat it. she had heard through the grapevine of being a marked death eater now of what had happened to the selwyn boy, but if she was being honest at the moment? she didn’t care. she was off the high of winning any kind of quidditch game, just some moment of her getting back some kind of normalcy, though she couldn’t say the same for the other. “just played a game of quidditch, didn’t want to go home,” she says when he asks, seeing the bartender give her another round of firewhisky, she taps her fingers against the glass before taking them again. “and you?”

          “ well  ,   i  figured  you  were  going  to  regardless  . ”   there  is  no  judgement  in  his  voice  ,   only  observation  .   silas  wished  he  could  drink  ,   but  he  was  only  here  for  the  atmosphere  .   sipping  on  the  water  he  had  gotten  refilled  just  moments  before  arden  sat  down  .   he  looked  like  shit  ,   he  felt  like  shit  .   in  no  way  was  he  going  to  get  away  with  saying  that  he  was  fine  .   “ awful  ,   but  you  knew  that  because  i  look  like  i  just  got  attacked  in  an  alley  which  i  suppose  is  not  far  from  the  truth  . ”   merlin  was  he  really  considered  a  traitor  ?   he  was  ,   wasn’t  he  ?   his  life  had  gotten  so  off  track  these  days  .   he  hadn’t  really  gotten  to  that  point  where  he  accepted  that  term  though  .   “ are  you  doing  any  better  ? ”   silas  couldn’t  imagine  anyone  doing  fine  these  days  .   with  all  the  tension  ,   these  days  it  seemed  a  little  bleak  everywhere  he  went  .   or  perhaps  that  really  was  just  him  .   “ change  of  scenery  from  sitting  at  home  feeling  sick  .   i  would  rather  sit  in  a  bar  not  drinking  and  feel  sick  .   i  work  nearby  now  . ”   he  shrugged  ,   shifting  uncomfortably  in  his  chair  .   “ congratulations  on  your  win  though  .   you  are  a  great  player  . ”   he  had  always  thought  that  .   silas  might  be  alright  on  a  broom  ,   but  he  had  never  been  the  right  type  of  coordinated  to  play  quidditch  well  .   

#𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / arden. #injury mention tw #violence tw

[silasselwyn]

BEFORE DAWN CHARACTERS ft summer’s characters + wolf pupy tweets

@avgvstvs-rookwood

#𝐨𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐯𝐞𝐱 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 ! #back at it again

[silasselwyn]

BEFORE DAWN CHARACTERS ft vex’s characters part 2 + wolf pupy tweets

#𝐨𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐯𝐞𝐱 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 !

[silasselwyn]

BEFORE DAWN CHARACTERS ft vex’s characters part 1 + wolf pupy tweets 

#𝐨𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐯𝐞𝐱 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 !

[silasselwyn]

JASMINE.

“am i my sister? no, i also don’t control her as she is her own person so attributing her deeds and words to me is as unfair as you’re claiming people have been to you. that’s disliking me, treating me poorly because of my surname. which seems like something you weren’t fond of, but maybe i’m wrong.” she shrugged, she didn’t care what silas thought of her, but he’d best be careful what he said about iya. “and you see it as having a backbone, i’m going to make the assumption your detractors see it another way. there are always three sides to every story. yours, theirs and the truth.” and somehow they doubted they’d get the truth from silas. 

“whatever i decide is mine to own, my actions are up to me and me alone. and it also depends on what you define an innocent as.” she had been an innocent, until she’d been bitten, now she was a monster according to society. she’d never bite anyone though, she had made that her mission the day after she was turned. but she didn’t owe silas her private ponderings. “you do actually, unless you misunderstand me. you did defect, you were meant to be a death eater, right? and you literally ran away from that fate. that’s defecting, it doesn’t have to be from the country, it can be from a  cause too. i thought someone who reads a lot would understand that.” that might have been a bit of a dig but he was getting in his jabs alright. 

“you have this bad habit of trying to put words in my mouth, which yes tells me more about you than it does me. you seem to think both very highly of yourself and very poorly at the same time, based only on your projections. i never said i knew your soul silas, but your behavior is very telling.” she’d learned to read body language and pick up on subtle signals over the years of running the shop and making deals. those subtle signs told her a lot about people. but when he dared to bring up her family again she quietly bristled. “that’s a lot of assumptions, and deflecting, you’re doing.” she said instead of confirming or denying. her family had fought hard to be accepted, had followed all their rules, was pure and yet —- they were not treated as equals and it bothered her more than she’d say that silas had noticed at all. it meant it wasn’t all in her head, that she’d been right about what the top tier purebloods thought of her family. that her own decision to defect would be the right one. “who are you trying to convince, silas?” she said simply, because he seemed to be trying awfully hard to convince someone how strong he was.

         he  did  not  care  if  she  wasn’t  anything  like  her  sister  —   if  they  didn’t  carry  the  same  beliefs  that  he  did  ,   because  he  knew  the  reputation  the  borgins  had  in  that  they  were  a  close  family  .   they  looked  out  for  each  other  in  a  way  that  made  it  dangerous  to  piss  off  one  of  them  .   “ perhaps  you  are  .   but  i’ve  hardly  treated  anyone  poorly  ,   just  been  cold  .   and  in  this  day  and  age  ,   i  don’t  think  anyone  can  really  fault  someone  for  being  cautious  around  people  . ”   he  still believed  that  it  was  dangerous  to  talk  about  his  feelings  .   silas  didn’t  care  about  the  hate  he  harbored  towards  the  borgins  .   “ yes,  they  see  it  as  being  weak  ,   but  i  believe  it  is  stronger  to  stand  up  for  your  beliefs  ,   no  matter  if  they  differ  from  the  others  you  have  grown  up  around  . ”   and  for  silas  that  meant  that  he  specifically  meant  that  he  wasn’t  going  to  be  a  killer  .   that  it  was  reckless  and  dangerous  to  take  the  lives  of  muggleborns  .   at  first  it  had  been  because  they  didn’t  know  what  would  happen  ,   but  it had  changed  now  that  he’d  gotten  to  spend  time  with  some  of  them  .   it  was  strange  that  he  now  was  preaching  something  he  never  thought  he’d  think  ,   but  killing  was  wrong  .  

         “ i  never  said  it  was  not  .   i  hardly  think  i  can  control  anyone  and  wouldn’t  dare  to  .   in  my  opinion  innocent  would  be  muggles  .   they  have  no  part  in  all  of  this  . ”   these  days  he  didn’t  believe  there  were  many  innocent  people  .   he  wondered  how  many  would  die  before  they  concluded  this  war  .   he  wondered  if  he’d  be  among  them  .   silas  knew  it  was  dangerous  to  think  like  that  .   “ i  am  a  death  eater  .   there  is  a  mark  on  my  arm  regardless  of  if  i’ve  run  from  the  cause  . ”   he  had  run  from  them  ,   turned  away  from  the  cause  ,   but  he  hadn’t  changed  sides  .   “ i  do  read  a  lot  ,   and  i  understand  that  defecting  means  to  turn  to  the  opposing  side  . ”   regardless  of  what  he  thought  ,   he  had  not  turned  to  the  opposing  side  ,   even  if  his  opinions  now  more  closely  aligned  with  theirs  .   silas  didn’t  expect  them  to  understand  that  he  had  turned  from  his  side  and  he  did  want  to  make  a  difference  .  

         “ and  you  have  a  bad  habit  of  thinking  everything  i  say  is  me  putting  words  in  your  mouth  , ”   he  quipped  .   silas  didn’t  think  very  highly  of  himself  and  he  was  smart  enough  to  know  what  people  tended  to  think  about  him  .   these  days  it  wasn’t  in  the  best  of  light  —   even  if  he  didn’t  care  anymore  .   “ what  is  telling  about  my  behavior  ? ”   silas  questioned  ,   raising  an  eyebrow  .   “ but  i  am  not  wrong  ,   that  is  the  thing  .   people  will  try  so  hard  to  be  part  of  that  society  when  there’s  no  reason  to  .   i  have  long  given  up  on  the  idea  that  i  will  ever  be  considered  an  equal  to  my  father  . ”   he  disagreed  ,   but  he  did  believe  that  he  had  disadvantages  .   silas  picked  up  the  book  he’d  just  been  touching  and  flipped  through  the  pages  .   he  knew  he  was  hitting  low  points  .   “ i  am  not  trying  to  convince  anyone  of  anything  . ”   he  knew  who  he  was  ,   or  who  he  was  trying  to  be  ,   and  that  wasn’t  going  to  change  .   “ the  society  i  grew  up  in  wanted  me  to  be  a  copy  of  my  father  ,   needed  me  to  be  a  copy  of  him  .   it  was  easier  that  way  ,   but  i  was  not  happy  . ”   not  that  he  was  happy  now  ,   but  he  was  starting  to  feel  better  ,   the  weight  lifted  his  shoulders  . 

#violence mention tw #death mention tw #𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / jasmine.

[silasselwyn]

LIZZIE.

                       ❝      because   you’re   obviously   in   pain   despite   what   you’re   saying   ,      and   the   fact   you’re   hiding   that   it   hurts   means   it’s   likely   something   bad   .      if   you   want   help   you   just   have   to   ask   for   it   ,      you   need   to   ask   for   it   ❞

         “ fine  .   fine  ,   i’ll  show  you  ,   but  i  feel  fine  and  it’s  really  not  that  bad  . ”   silas  grabbed  the  bottom  of  his  shirt  and  lifted  it  just  enough  to  show  the  makeshift  bandage  he’d  put  on  it  .   “ i  don’t  want  to  talk  about  it  .   please  don’t  ask  me  about  it  .   i’m  an  idiot  and  deserve  to  be  in  pain  . ”   

#𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / lizzie. #injury tw

[silasselwyn]

JASMINE.

“clearly.” if someone really didn’t care they wouldn’t be working so hard to prove it, saying it over and over was more for silas than it was for them. “dangerous? i’ve never done anything to you, but sure, if you say so.” she liked the idea of being dangerous, but not the way she actually was considered dangerous. as the werewolf and not as the person. silas was infamous right now but his problems seemed trivial when she thought of her family, and herself. but then silas had to know the way he was speaking to her was combative, even as she tried to deescalate by remaining calm, yet dismissive and she couldn’t help that part. “come one, even that isn’t shocking, not in this society. the way it treats people, i’d be more surprised if no one was defecting.” maybe she shouldn’t have said that but it was the truth. she wasn’t blind or stupid, she knew how her family was treated, used and devalued. and she wanted out, but coming to that realization was very difficult. “you’re the name on everyone’s lips, and if i didn’t know anything about you i’m learning quite a lot right now.” 

          silas  hated  the  borgins  ,   with  good  reason  he  thought  .   most  of  them  seemed  to  harbor  a  hatred  towards  him  for  what  happened  on  the  mission  and  while  that  was  cause  ,   he  typically  just  stayed  away  from  them  because  there  was  no  point  in  pissing  them  off  .   “ no  ,   but  your  sister  once  told  me  i  deserved  a  shallow  grave  .   a  bit  much  ,   don’t  you  think  ,   all  for  having  a  backbone  ? ”    all  because  he  hadn’t  wanted  to  kill  another  human  .   it  wasn’t  like  he  was  haunted  by  his  mistakes  of  even  joining  the  death  eaters  .   why  had  he  chased  his  father’s  praise  for  so  long  when  he  knew  he’d  never  actually  gain  the  respect  of  his  dad  ?   he  didn’t  care  about  his  reputation  .   not  anymore  ,   not  when  he’d  rather  take  a  path  that  would  lead  him  to  happiness  instead  of  forcing  himself  to  feel  trapped  in  a  life  he  hated  .   the  anxiety  wasn’t  gone  yet  ,   the  fear  and  paranoia  gripped  him  on  a  daily  basis  ,   but  silas  knew  he  could  at  least  live  knowing  he  was  a  better  person  than  half  of  the  pureblood  society  .   “ you’re  saying  you  wouldn’t  hurt  an  innocent  ? ”   he  found  that  difficult  to  believe  .   “ i  wouldn’t  know  anything  about  defecting  .   although  it  would  be  easier  to  run  away  from  england  and  pretend  this  war  was  never  mine  to  begin  with  . ”   but  silas  had  to  right  his  wrongs  first  .   make  up  for  sitting  aside  while  innocent  people  were  murdered  for  nothing  more  than  having  magic  .   wasn’t  that  something  that  tied  them  all  together  anyways  ?    everyone  in  this  society  had  magic  .   

          “ oh  and  what  are  you  learning   ?   that  i’m  as  big  of  a  bastard  as  everyone’s  claimed  i  am  ? ”   he  let  out  a  bit  of  a  hollow  laugh  .   “ i  can  assure  you  that  you  know  nothing  about  me  .   my  deepest  desire  down  to  the  goals  i  have  in  life  are  kept  safely  hidden  away  in  my  mind  . ”   they  weren’t  really  because  several  people  knew  what  he  was  up  to  now  .   but  he  knew  better  than  to  go  around  talking  about  his  next  plan  .   “ tell  me  ,   jasmine   ,   why  does  your  family  try  so  hard  to  fit  into  a  society  that  will  never  see  you  as  equals  ?   why  bother  when  there’s  freedom  out  there  ?   you’re  grasping  at  straws  to  make  yourself  fit  into  a  society  that  hates  change  and  would  find  any  excuse  to  disregard  someone  rather  than  accept  them  . ”   he  raised  an  eyebrow  .   for  so  long  he’d  thought  eventually  he  might  gain  the  respect  that  he  was  after  ,   but  it  had  taken  long  enough  for  him  to  realize  that  he  would  never  be  equal  to  them  .   “ isn’t  it  funny  that  everyone’s  talking  about  me  ,   going  around  as  if  they  know  me  ,   when  they  haven’t  even  scratched  the  surface  .   they  all  see  me  as  a  weak  child  that  left  home  because  i  am  gay  ,   or  because  i  won’t  follow  society  norms  ,   but  here’s  the  thing  ,   i’m  not  weak  for  leaving  home  .   i’m  stronger  for  the  decision  i  made  ,   happier  even  .   i  am  not  stupid  though  ,   i  know  that  there  are  people  who  would  rather  see  me  suffer  for  my  opinions  than  let  me  live  .   i  know  they  all  call  me  a  blood  traitor  now  .   what’s  a  traitor  in  these  times  but  someone  only  taking  a  stand  for  something  they  believe  in  ? ”   silas  let  his  hand  run  across  the  spine  of  a  book  .   “ there  is  not  sure  foundation  set  on  blood  ,   not  certain  life  achieved  by  others’  death  . ”   had  he  not  said  that  in  the  past  ?   that  it  was  dangerous  to  kill  without  knowing  what  they  did  not  understand  ?   

#murder tw #death mention tw #anxiety tw #internalized homophobia tw #you dont have to match length gnfjkd he just .... went off ? #𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / jasmine.

[silasselwyn]

LIZZIE. 

𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐰𝐲𝐧.

@silasselwyn​

                  ❝      you   can   squeeze   my   hand   if   you   need   to   ❞

          “ i  don’t  understand  why  you  have  to  look  at  it  .   it  doesn’t  hurt  .   or  it  does  a  little  ,   but  i’m  not  going  to  die  . ”

#𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / lizzie. #injury mention tw #death mention tw

[silasselwyn]

LUDO. 

      “ Because hope and optimism is the only thing that keeps some people going,” Ludo did not see himself managing to get up in the morning otherwise but felt uncomfortable saying that out loud. What did he have to fear? He was a beloved public figure, he knew people in the high society, and he was legitimate in the eyes of that vile man that he couldn’t even name. “Don’t let them take your hopes from you, Silas, those belong to you,” ah well, he wouldn’t have been team captain without a habit to pull pep talks out of nowhere.

Ludo wondered, much like Silas, what would tomorrow be made of. He was already starting to plan ahead, feeling already as if he and Mina were meant to be, but who was he to think that they could live a blissful life while others were suffering? How could they possibly be blissful now, when everything around them fell apart, when families were torn and destroyed?

Perhaps was it best to talk about anything else. Something normal, something that people still could enjoy now. “Yeah it’s something. The instruments are weird too. I probably should ask Otto if they know things I can actually enjoy.” He absent-mindedly said, although as the other called himself dull, something about him changed. “No, that’s dragon shit, you are not dull. You don’t have to go out every other evening to be fun. See, I personally hate those things,” he preferred spending the night with his closer friends, just playing board games or talking and reshaping the words with words until dawn. “And I still go because… Heh I don’t know, guess that’s lack of personality or cowardice,” he shrugged. Oh of course he’d never admit to it to Skeeter or any one like that, but Silas seemed like someone who would understand. “Heh, it’s a bit far, and there’s the whole entering the country deal. Ministries don’t let us in just like that. We could be one of the bad guys, you know,” another shrug. Ludo was not exactly well versed in politics. “Believe me, the last thing I would diminish is her ability to charm. She’s scary good at that,” he raised an eyebrow, a blank, knowing look on his face. “Well, if it means anything, I think you’re quite handsome for a bloke. People will forget, it’ll be yesterday’s news before you know it.”

         “ not  me  ,   it  just  makes  me  feel  like  i’m  lying  to  myself  .   there’s  awful  ,   terrible  things  in  the  world  and  i’m  not  going  to  pretend  everything  is  sunshine  and  rainbows  when  people  are  dying  . ”   silas  knew  he  had  to  worry  about  himself  now  that  he’d  left  home  and  decided  he  was  better  off  for  it  .   “ it’s  a  little  too  late  for  all  of  that  ,   the  only  thing  i  let  myself  be  hopeful  about  these  days  are  the  things  i  can  control  .   which  is  very  few  things  ,   other  than  my  career  . ”   still  ,   he  hadn’t  felt  hope  in  a  long  time  .   

         for  so  long  he’d  been  suffering  due  to  his  own  making  and  now  that  he  wasn’t  ,   he  needed  to  be  careful  who  he  spoke  to  and  what  he  shared  with  the  people  he  spoke  to  .   everything  felt  like  it  was  falling  apart  and  one  day  he’d  figure  out  how  to  put  it  all  together  .   best  to  drop  the  subject  of  war  ,   just  in  case  .   he  barely  knew  ludo  and  didn’t  know  the  company  he  kept  .   even  if  he  couldn’t  be  that  bad  if  he  claimed  to  be  friends  with  mina  .   

         “ i  don’t  mind  the  weird  instruments  .   personally  i’ve  always  enjoyed  classical  the  most  ,   but  i’ve  learned  that  there  are  musicians  like  me  and  i  think  that’s  interesting  . ”   people  like  him  .   it  seemed  strange  to  say  something  like  that  out  loud  ,   admit  that  he  was  different  .   “ no  ,   it’s  fine  .   i’d  rather  be  dull  .   then  people  will  leave  me  alone  .   typically  ,   i  don’t  get  invited  out  anyways  .   that  isn’t  my  scene  .   i  prefer  to  stay  home  with  a  good  book  .   that’s  better  entertainment  than  the  anxiety  i  feel  at  most  social  events  . ”   silas  didn’t  think  not  partying  made  him  dull  ,   more  that  he  tended  to  find  books  far  more  interesting  than  anything  else  .   “ i  don’t  think  that  makes  you  a  coward  .   i  think  it  makes  you  human  .   sometimes  going  with  the  crowd  is  easier  than  standing  out  ,   i’d  know  . ”   in  his  case  ,   it  had  kept  him  safe  .   “ well  ,   yes  .   but  once  you’re  over  there  . ”   he’d  never  been  to  america  with  no  desire  to  go  .   “ she  is  something  .   she  wouldn’t  take  no  for  an  answer  when  i  didn’t  really  want  to  be  friends  . ”   silas  shrugged  .   “ i  don’t  think  i’m  ugly  ,   far  from  .   it’s  just  the  things  i  want  and  don’t  want  from  a  relationship  are  different  than  what  most  people  want  and  don’t  want  .   i  don’t  want  to  be  as  intimate  as  most  people  prefer  .   i  don’t  even  care  about  the  stupid  things  i’ve  done  in  the  past  .   who  cares  . ”   when  it  came  to  that  mistake   ,   he  had  long  given  up  the  idea  that  people  wouldn’t  talk  about  it  .   “ besides  ,   that  night  was  the  catalyst  for  the  choices  i’ve  made  recently  .   i’m  not  okay  ,   but  i’m  getting  better  and  i  feel  like  a  great  weight  has  been  lifted  off  my  shoulders  . ”

#anxiety tw #social anxiety tw #𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / ludo.

[silasselwyn]

CRESSIDA.

“i’m sure i can manage any backlash that might come with sitting next to you in a dimly lit pub,” cressida countered, turning her attention back to the newspaper. at this moment in time, cressida was indifferent towards silas. cressida didn’t pay much attention to the lives of others these days – she was solely focused on her own goals and her own future. she didn’t have any signifcant interest nor did she want to devote much energy to those who couldn’t get her where she wanted to go. sure, there wasn’t really a deadline but even at twenty-two, but there were days when she felt the need to rush it all and that feeling – it could be dangerous, depending on the situation.  doubted drinking a few cocktails whilst casually sitting next to silas would have any effect on her whatsoever. “i’ll admit that i’m surprised to see you here – what gives?” she asked, taking a small sip. 

         silas  almost  rolled  his  eyes  at  that  comment  ,   he  didn’t  know  what  the  backlash  for  sitting  with  him  at  a  dimly  lit  pub  would  be  .   but  there  was  bound  to  be  some  at  this  point  .   he  was  sure  of  it  .   “ sure  . ”   it  wasn’t  that  he  doubted  anyone’s  abilities  ,   he  just  knew  that  they  didn’t  fight  fair  .   none  of  them  .   and  he  supposed  that  was  part  of  the  problem  .   he  wondered  if  they  all  hated  him  or  just  a  few  of  them  .   not  everyone  had  the  same  feelings  as  he  did  about  the  war  .    he  wanted  to  feel  like  a  good  person  and  he  knew  he  wasn’t  ,   maybe  he’d  never  be  .   maybe  he  was  kidding  himself  into  thinking  that  he  could  change  .   the  death  eaters  were  a  part  of  his  past  .   silas  shrugged  at  the  question  .   “ i  honestly  was  hoping  i’d  see  someone  ,   but  i  really  should  go  back  home  .”   ah  yes  ,   that  word  :  home  .   silas  still  wasn’t  sure  where  that  was  .   

#depression tw #𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / cressida.

[silasselwyn]

CLOSED / @hcrmincs

          he’d  collapsed  on  mina’s  couch  the  second  he’d  actually  gotten  here  and  hadn’t  really  moved  since  .   silas  wasn’t  in  the  mood  to  do  much  else  .   he  still  felt  hurt  even  if  he’d  been  healed  .   “ please  don’t  make  me  get  off  the  couch  today  .   i  still  don’t  feel  good  . ”     

#𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / mina. #depression tw #injury mention tw #ish

[silasselwyn]

endless gifs of pet therapy sessions

#𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐀𝐒 / musings. #𝐒𝐈𝐋𝐀𝐒 / ft. rosalind. #she's baby!

[silasselwyn]

MARY.

                    ❝      yer   so   fuckin’   naïve   mate   .      it   shouldnae   be   but   ye’ve   came   up   the   clyde   in   a   banana   boat   if   ye   think   that’s   no   the   case      ❞         they   near   snapped   at   him   .   mary   didn’t   need   the   injustices   of   the   world   pointed   out   to   them   and   certainly   not   from   the   likes   of   him   ,      someone   who   looked   like   him   .      who   ,      as   rough   around   the   edges   has   he   now   seemed   ,      still   looked   like   they   were   as   like   to   have   gone   to   eton   over   hogwarts   .            ❝      maybe   ?      here   mate   a   can   answer   that   for   you   .      ye   havenae   .      ye   know   shit   about   whit   a’ve   been   through   but   a   can   tell   ye   now   nothin’   a’ve   had   to   live   through   will   be   anythin’   like   whit   ye’ve   had   ta   suffer   through   ❞         their   last   word   spat   as   if   it   were   the   most   mocking   call   possible   .         ❝      unless   a   tell   ye   ?      why   the   fuck   would   a   do   that   ?      so   ye   can   mock   me   ?      say   a   deserved   it   ?      so   you’ve   sommat   to   wank   to   ?   am   copin’   how   am   copin’   an   a   will   make   them   pay      ❞

                    sick   and   tired   of   it   all   ,   they   were   fucking   sick   and   bloody   tired   of   the   constant   attempts   to   judge   or   critique   how   she   reacted   to   every   injustice   they   had   lived   through   .      the   near   accusations   that   they   weren’t   a   good   enough   victim   to   be   believed   because   they   hadn’t   reacted   as   expected   .      that   they   kept   fighting   back   rather   than   let   violence   cow   them   ,      but   mary   sheridan   macdonald   had   never   been   nice   .      she   had   never   been   kind   either   ,      just   not   needlessly   mean   .            ❝      you   think   i   don’t   know   that   ?      ye   think   a   need   someone   to   educate   me   ?      is   it   cause   ye   think   ma   english   is   no   as   proper   as   yours   ?      or   is   it   cause   yer   still   a   massive   fuckin’   tory   ?      mind   ,      those   reasons   are   one   and   the   same      ❞         and   then   came   the   little   woe   is   me   moment   ,   as   if   there   were   anything   in   mary   right   now   that   would   bring   them   close   to   disagreeing   with   him   as   he   seemed   to   be   trying   to   provoke   in   her   .         ❝      yer   aw   the   fuckin’   same   .   every   feckin’   one   a   yous   .   thinkin’   yer   right   ,   goin’   where   yer   no   wanted   .      fuckin’   tory   .      i   don’t   owe   ye   shit   .      don’t   owe   ye   ma   trauma   or   my   bloody   patience   and   yer   oan   my   last   nerve      ❞         her   mother’s   words   rattling   around   her   head   then   :      try   not   to   hit   first   unless   you   know   they’re   going   to   hit   you   ,   and   her   father’s   too   :      make   every   swing   count   ,      don’t   waste   them   .      and   really   it   would   be   wasted   here   .

         silas  was  tired  ,   too  tired  to  deal  with  all  of  this  .   he  felt  sick  from  everything  ,   when  he  didn’t  know  what  he  was  supposed  to  be  doing  .   he  wanted  to  go  home  ,   not  sit  here  and  take  the  shit  of  someone  that  knew  nothing  about  him  .   silas  didn’t  know  everything  ,   but  he  knew  what  it  felt  like  to  not  fit  in  .   “ yeah  ,   okay  .   whatever  you  say  . ”   no  one  knew  what  he’d  been  through  ,   even  if  some  of  his  problems  were  of  his  own  making  ,   not  all  of  them  were  .   “ i  am  not  trying  to  compare  traumas  .   all  i’m  saying  is  that  my  life  hasn’t  been  easy  either  .   and  it’s  not  going  to  get  any  better  now  . ”   not  when  he’d  made  decisions  that  put  him  in  danger  .   “ i’m  a  lot  of  things  ,   nice  isn’t  one  of  them  ,   but  i  would  never  mock  someone  for  the  trauma  they’ve  been  through  .  that’s  not  who  i  am  . ”   he  didn’t  want  to  admit  it  ,   but  he  was  a  victim  too  .   and  he  was  about  to  put  himself  in  more  danger  than  he  even  knew  about  .   silas  knew  what  he  looked  like  ,   how  he  acted  ,   and  the  way  he  held  himself  .   still  he  wasn’t  okay  .    

         “ if  i  could  take  your  pain  i  would  ,   but  it  doesn’t  work  like  that  . ”   and  i’m  sorry  .   he  was  too  tired  for  this  —   didn’t  want  to  deal  with  this  shit  .   “ stop  it  , ”   silas  finally  snapped  ,   tired  of  the  words  he  was  hearing  ,   of  the  accusations  being  slung  his  direction  .   panic  clutched  at  his  chest  and  he  felt  dizzy  suddenly  .   he  couldn’t  help  the  tears  forming  in  his  eyes  ,   even  if  he  didn’t  want  to  cry  .   silas  slumped  against  the  wall  ,   wanting  to  be  left  alone  .   he  still  wasn’t  used  to  the  way  panic  held  him  these  days  ,   how  utterly  useless  he  felt  .   but  he  steeled  himself  for  a  second  .   “ you  know  nothing  about  me  .   you  might  think  you  do  because  of  the  way  i  look  and  act  ,   but  you  don’t  know  me  .   i  don’t  think  i’m  better  than  anyone  .   i’ve  been  depressed  for  so  fucking  long  that  i  don’t  feel  anything  .   i  don’t  owe  you  shit  though  .   and  i  never  said  you  owed  me  anything  either  .   you’re  putting  words  in  my  mouth  that  i’ve  never  said  and  thoughts  that  i’ve  never  thought  . ”   he  couldn’t  say  anything  else  because  the  panic  was  too  overwhelming  at  that  point ��—   he  closed  his  eyes  and  started  crying  ,   letting  himself  start  to  hyperventilate  .  

#suggestive language tw #politics tw #trauma mention tw #panic attack tw #depression tw #anxiety tw #i think that's all of them #𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / mary.

[silasselwyn]

ARDEN.

@beforedawnstarters​

where: hogsmeade. ​

it had been a long time since arden had been on a quidditch field, but when had asked if she wanted join in a random match she couldn’t say no. she had brought the latest broom not that long ago and was itching to finally get to use it. by the time the match had finished, her team of course, winning, she had decided to make a stop into hogsmeade to get a pint. she had hauled her broom with her setting it besides her before waving down someone for a drink. “firewhisky,” she said, trying to fix the hairs that were a little bit more frazzled than the most. despite the match, none of the people that she had played with wanted to get an actual drink with arden given her repuation, which would normally make her roll her eyes or worse, she was just desperate to play at least one round. 

          silas  had  taken  a  little  bit  of  time  of  work  after  the  incident  ,   deciding  it  was  probably  best  he  didn’t  go  there  for  a  while  .   he  hated  that  his  job  was  so  public  facing  when  he  was  trying  to  stay  out  of  the  public  eye  until  the  anger  from  him  leaving  home  died  down  .   he  kept  his  head  down  as  he  walked  through  the  village  .   he  was  technically  was  supposed  to  be  hanging  out  with  his  new  friends  ,   except  he  didn’t  want  them  to  see  how  bad  of  a  shape  he  was  in  today  .   he  looked  terrible  and  he  knew  it  .   out  of  all  the  people  that  he  could  run  into  ,   arden  was  not  the  person  he  expected  .   “ i  don’t  think  i  should  be  drinking  tonight  .   i’m  still  recovering  . ”   he  knew  his  voice  was  quiet  ,   just  loud  enough  that  she’d  hear  .   silas  gripped  the  edge  of  the  bar  ,   watching  his  knuckles  go  white  .   “ what  brings  you  to  out  here  ? ”   silas  asked  ,   eyes  still  affixed  to  the  bar top  .   

#alcohol tw #depression tw #anxiety tw #paranoia tw #injury mention tw #𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / arden.

[silasselwyn]

LUCINDA.

“excuse me? i’m the prophet’s newest rising star. or have you been living so far under a rock you haven’t picked up the paper in weeks? and are you saying my dreams aren’t realistic?” she was offended but only just. after all, her dreams were beginning to come true and all it took was one year at WADA and blood,sweat and tears and callouses and bruises and ice baths and — well, she could go on and on in her head. “yeah but at least i want my name in people’s mouths, there’s the difference. all publicity is good publicity according to my agent. but then you just have to look at that trainwreck emma vanity to know that isn’t true.” it was common knowledge amongst her friends that she despised emma, making it her main motivation for choosing the bats offer over anyone else, so she could prove she was better than vanity. “i never said it was, what’s with the attitude si? did i say something?” she didn’t put up with bs well and this was beginning to feel less than friendly for some reason. “well i’m glad, as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.” and that was true, for silas and people like him. but she didn’t understand the lack of ambition in most people, she couldn’t fathom being like that. “well you know we haven’t talked in a little while, it isn’t like i’m a seer here si, you have to tell me these things or i won’t know. you could always write to me, what’s stopping you?”

          “ i  kind  of  have  been  living  under  a  rock  .   you’ll  have  to  excuse  me  or  not  .  either  way  .   i  am  glad  people  are  starting  to  recognize  you  for  your  talents  .   my  apologies  ,   clearly  your  dreams  are  very  realistic  . ”   he’d  meant  they  weren’t  realistic  for  himself  ,   though  he  supposed  he  hadn’t  done  a  good  job  of  wording  it  .   he  barely  had  enough  time  to  have  fun  these  days  ,   looking  over  his  shoulder  at  any  given  moment  .   that’s  what  he  got  for  being  a  bit  self  absorbed  in  recent  times  .   “ i  think  it  depends  on  the  things  that  people  are  talking  about  .   some  stuff  is  actually  career  ending  ,   but  i’m  sure  you  know  more  about  these  things  than  i  do  .   all  i  know  is  that  people  are  talking  about  me  and  i  guess  they  have  every  right  to  .   no  reason  in  getting  angry  over  it  . ”   plus  what  people  were  saying  was  true  .   “ no  ,   you’re  fine  .   i  am  a  mess  .   starting  to  feel  like  a  trainwreck  .   wondering   when  i’ll  finally  crash  .   has  to  be  soon  at  this  point  . ”   he’d  felt  like  he  had  to  defend  his  opinions  a  lot  these  days  and  he  didn’t  really  feel  like  most  people  hated  him  .   he  didn’t  know  if  lucinda  was  one  of  those  people  ,   but  he  felt  it  was  better  safe  than  sorry  .   “ you’ve  been  busy  ,   i’m  not  going  to  worry  you  with  my  frivolous  problems  . ”   although  they  really  weren’t  at  this  point  .   they  were  massive  problems  .   “ and  i  can’t  write  to  you  .   i’m  hiding  from  people  .   i  might  get  really  hurt  if  some  people  end  up  finding  out  where  i’m  living  . ”

#𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / lucinda. #paranoia tw

[silasselwyn]

SEVERUS.

@silasselwyn​

Their steps echoed out across the near empty street. They never liked crowds or parties, especially as the night dragged on and the people were well into their cups, so it was hardly a surprise to anyone that Severus slipped out the first chance they got. They shook a cigarette out of it’s packet and were patting along their pockets for a lighter before a noise down the street grabbed their attention.

Black eyes snapped up to the source. There was a long, drawn out pause before the sight registered and they recognized who it was. They huffed, stuffed their hands in their pockets, and sauntered closer to the other. ‘ Hey, ’ they said, nudging Silas’ leg with a toe. ‘ You look like shit. Did you have fun at the party? ’ Didn’t look like it, but Severus could never pin down what Silas’ idea of fun was, so they weren’t going to assume.

          silas  really  wished  this  pain  would  end  .   for  so  long  it  felt  like  he’d  been  suffering  due  to  his  own  making  ,   but  now  things  just  seemed  impossibly  wrong  .   he  wanted  the  pain  to  stop  ,   merlin  it  hurt  .   and  he  knew  the  physical  pain  would  eventually  pass  but  he  knew  mentally  ,   he  wouldn’t  feel  okay  for  a  long  time  .   silas  wondered  if  his  father  cared  ,   if  anyone  from  his  old  life  cared  ,   or  if  they’d  all  abandoned  him  now  .   better  they  did  .   better  they  all  just  leave  him  be  .   it  was  easier  that  way  somehow  .   but  he  could  barely  think  through  all  the  pain  .   

          he  didn’t  know  how  long  it  had  been  since  ,   well  whatever  happened  had  occurred  ,   but  he  heard  words  and  pulled  out  his  wand  in  self  defense  .   “ lumos  maxima  , ”   he  cast  ,   illuminating  the  space  around  him  .   thank  merlin  he’d  finally  gotten  a  new  wand  instead  of  trying  to  make  the  stupid  heirloom  one  work  again  .   “ what  party  ? ”   silas  asked  ,   trying  to  sit  up  .   “ i  don’t  remember  ,   i  just  ... ”   he  trailed  off  ,   putting  his  hand  to  the  slash  wound  .   he  needed  help  .   whatever  happened  ,   it  wasn’t  good  .    silas  could  feel  himself  start  to  panic  .   “ i  need  help  . ”

#torture tw #injury mention tw #blood mention tw #depression tw #anxiety tw #𝘚𝘐𝘓𝘈𝘚 / severus.