sigmavan

[sigmavan]

bring back tumblr ask culture let me. bother you with questions and statements

[sigmavan]

haven't been here in a while. my life's been a little up and down? i guess that's how you'd class it anyway.

last time i was here, my parents nearly broke up. that was, terrifying. they're fine now, but, the whole situation has just really made me rethink a lot about my home life. about how i view my father, my mother, my sister, if i even feel safe in my own home, everything. it's dug up a lot of trauma reactions and thoughts that i didn't even think i had. it's a lot.

the reason of why i don't trust my parents enough to tell them anything. why i can't do anything in the house while anyone else is home. why im so reluctant to share things, to do things, to exist. guess it all boils down to them.

but, i've been becoming more independent, so that's a bonus. buying my own things, looking for work out of my own time rather than being forced to, saving my money, existing in my own right.

i guess it's a little sad that i can't rely on my parents to help me with anything, but that's fine by me. at least if anything does happen i can get out with not much issue.

also, i've got such an incredible loving partner, & some amazing friends that have been such a great support group for me. if i need anything, i know where to go. i know who to trust.

anyway, currently feeling bad because my dad walked into the house while i was working out in the living room. i couldve kept going, but the sheer anxiety and embarrassment led me to just hole in my room. i had washing to do. can't do it now, i guess.

got work tomorrow. need to find another job. need to sell some clothes & get money. need to go see my partner next weekend.

song of the day: dirge- statues https://open.spotify.com/track/7AId793d23i2DedStawuOY?si=1bac657a04fa4feb

#e diary #digital diary #vent

[sigmavan]

first failed band. first for everything, right?

just, i feel disappointed in myself for letting it carry on for so long when i just kinda knew in my heart that it wasn't going to work.

god, im just a hard person to work with, aren't i? i went from being a pretty good leader & organiser to just straight burnout- unable to organise things, unable to see the problems i keep ignoring, and just a lot of the time being a straight up dickhead.

im also really particular in the stuff i want to write, even though i want to be open to anything & everything, yet i just seem to be finding it so fucking hard.

wish i could just rewire & hardwire my brain so i wasn't such a stuck individual. im adaptable, but in the worst ways.

anyway, a first for everything. maybe the next band won't be so bad. if i find one. idk. finding it very fucking hard at the moment.

#vent #e diary #musicposting #just. yeah. realising im a bad person at 3am isnt fun

[sigmavan]

doctor who novelisations (2005-2023)

i just spent a considerable chunk of time sourcing as many nuwho novelisations as i could get my hands on and in the spirit of sharing i have some free gifts for the tumblr dot com population

also up for grabs: doctor who audios (x) and torchwood audios (x) (all big finish)

a list of what's there + how to open below the cut x

things you'll find here

rose

dalek

the christmas invasion

fires of pompeii

planet of the ood

waters of mars

the crimson horror

day of the doctor

zygon invasion

twice upon a time

kerblam!

the witchfinder

the star beast

wild blue yonder

the giggle

the legends of river song

the angel's kiss: a melody malone mystery

the ruby's curse

the missy chronicles

the wintertime paradox

i am the master: legends of the renegade time lord

the wonderful doctor of oz

and how to access them

do this for every book you think you’ll want to read, even if you don’t have time to read it now. don’t rely on this link always being available.

ios: tap the 3 dots -> open with -> apple books*

android: tap 3 dots -> open with -> google play books*

mac: download and open in books

or: download and put the file into an epub reader

* or any epub reader app

happy reading! x

(have a request for something i don’t have yet? pop it in the comments/tags or flick me a pm/ask and i’ll see what i can do x)

#saving #i need stuff to read hehe

[sigmavan]

...i just overheard something i shouldn't have. massively shouldn't have.

yeah, my last post? it's not uphill from here. this could be, bad.

god.

#e diary #vent #ramble

[sigmavan]

friendly reminders:

you don't have to be productive every day

you are worthy even if all you did today was get out of bed

there are people out there who care about you

your existence makes a difference

if something bothers you, then it bothers you. no one has the right to tell you otherwise

you are allowed to take up space

there is no 'right way' to grieve

you cannot put a time limit on emotions

your likes and interests are valid and they matter

it's okay to take your time in doing things. not everyone can do everything at the same pace

[sigmavan]

my mom (went to catholic schools her whole life, graduated in the late 70s) just tried to argue that since jesus died in the afternoon on good friday that you can eat meat for dinner. “he is already gone,” she said.

[sigmavan]

haven't been here in a while, got distracted.

finally finished all my coursework for the year- it's a good feeling to know i've got essentially nothing left until im out of this college for good. just gotta throw myself into the practical work.

that coursework took up so much of my mental load though, and i never realised it until it's due in and then all of a sudden i am stressed for 2 weeks, knowing full well due to my ADHD i will absolutely procrastinate it until last minute.

well, at least it's upwards from here!

anyway, gonna start something new to get myself more frequent on here:

song of the day: Starlight- The K. Project/Absent Hearts

#e diary #digital diary #ramble

[sigmavan]

genuinely one of the saddest parts of this new era of the internet is how hard it is to rick roll someone now. with people's attention spans shortening so much, they wouldn't even get through the first few bait seconds before clicking off the video. like i saw a comment that ended with "btw i made all of this up" and the replies kept treating it so seriously because none of them finished the entire 4 sentence comment. and We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I (do I) A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

[sigmavan]

slight nsfw below cut, 18+ pls :)

well, i really need to make sure im not sick next week, going to see my partner for the first time since we got together, and i really don't wanna ruin anything by being this sick hehe

ive been sick for over a month now. not deathly of course, but sick enough that it's really annoying me. gonna try a thing or two when i get home & see if it helps me at all.

#e diary #love my partner when is she gonna wake up

[sigmavan]

ive been sick for over a month now. not deathly of course, but sick enough that it's really annoying me. gonna try a thing or two when i get home & see if it helps me at all.

#e diary #sick :(

[sigmavan]

[sigmavan]

Well it’s like I always say. So what we get drunk so what we smoke weed

[sigmavan]

i feel so bad for my mother.

we were having a conversation earlier about how hard it is to live with my dad. he's not abusive, physically or verbally, but he is an absolute dickhead and he really brings down the mood in the house. my mum consistently feels controlled by him- she tries not to have a say in conversations (incase he spins them into arguments), he always ridicules her when she goes for a drink with friends, he constantly comments on her friends, habits, everything. with me, he doesn't accept my identity at all and tries to comment on it whenever, he constantly criticises and shits on my friends, his mood swings so often & he always argues with me over nothing. it makes me so anxious to live around him. he wonders why i don't spend time with him when every time spent with him goes downhill.

yeah. he's not so bad. he pays the bills, supports my career & hobbies, buys me things i don't ask for, does genuinely care deep down. just, everything else- it's really turned him into just 'a man i live with' rather than my dad. he doesn't act like a father.

sorry, had to throw that somewhere.

#e diary #vent

[sigmavan]

just achieved a big accomplishment- get published in a magazine.

it's music journalism time for me baybee :D

#happy! #e diary #musicposting

[sigmavan]

"i respect trans people" do you?

do you respect trans people who look like their agab, whether they want to or not?

do you respect transfems with body/facial hair? transfems who don't wear makeup or dresses or skirts? transfems with low voices? transfems with short hair?

and do you respect transmascs who don't bind? transmascs who wear makeup or dresses or skirts? transmascs with high voices? transmascs with long hair?

do you respect trans people who don't "pass"?

#transgender

[sigmavan]

i need to stop taking my medication right as i wake up.

on one hand, it helps me remember what i have to do that morning, makes my thoughts coherent, stops me from panicking.

on the other hand, it drains me of all energy, making me just sit in bed with a pressure headache for hours, unable to force myself to do anything.

i need to find a good middle ground. also, i may need a higher dose of medication. but, ive already been sent another of my current, so, ill have to find a way to make it work for another month.

#e diary #neurodivergent