shushsush

[shushsush]

Professional at accidentally making friends fall in love with me but failing to confess to any actual crushes I get.

Also found out i might be aromantic???

Also also apparently all the friends that claimed or claim that they have/had a crush on me are all the eldest sibling or only child in the family. What does this mean.

[shushsush]

Currently, my mentality is in the gutter, but my peronality stays a flower field.

🪷💐🌹🥀🌸🌱🌷🌻🌷🌾🌴☘️🌳🪴🏵🌼🪻☘️🌳🌱🏵🌸🌹🌼🌹🌼🪻⚘️🌹🌳🌱🌼🪻🪻💐🌹🌻🌹🌺🌷🌼⚘️🌸🌹🥀🌻🪻🌻🌱🌼🏵🌸🌹🌻🌹🌻🪻🌷🌼🌼🌹🌹🌻🌻🪴🍀🌿💐🌿☘️🌸🥀🌻🌹☘️🌺☘️🌳🏵🌸🌹🏵🌻🌲⚘️☘️🌺☘️🌸🏵🌻🌱🌺⚘️🌿🌲☘️🌷⚘️🌳🌹🌲🌹🌻🪻🌿🌼☘️🌱🌻🌹🌳🪻⚘️🌼🏵🌺🌹🌹💐🏵🏵🌼🌿🌳

#mental health

[shushsush]

I miss so many people rn, and i want to keep talking to them, but i know they are not interested. And i know i don't hold much or any importance to any of them just based on how they respond. And that's ok, but it still really hurts. I always want to put myself first, but i reply as soon as they all message me, but i have to wait mins to hours just for a reply.

This is why being alone is the best option because I'm always another option for everyone else.

#sad #hurt #just an option

[shushsush]

It's about time my mom finally called me a disappointment. I mean, it's mostly my fault, but it doesn't change the fact that she basically admitted my short-term happiness is basically disappointing her cause I'm making friends. I already dont have time to do my thesis cause, apparently when I want to work on it, you think everything else is more important than it. Then, when I want to rest, have fun, and relax, I'm wasting my time and not studying. Yes, I'm lazy. Yes, I procrastinate. YES, SCHOOL MAY NOT BE SOMETHING I PRIORITISE OR EVEN WANT TO CONTINUE DOING. BUT YOU CAN'T SEE THIS IS BECAUSE YOU KEEP MAKING ME DO SO MUCH THINGS AT THE SAME TIME?!?!?!?

The reason why I want to rest and relax so much is because I'm always doing something?? Ever since I could walk, she always signed me up for something. I always had to do something. And whenever I did "nothing," it was bad, wrong, lazy. Is it wrong to want to make up for all the resting I couldn't do back then? All the friends I could've made back then?

#dissapointment #stressed #rant

[shushsush]

Turns out depression can still come back after 4 years of being ok

I forgot how cutting helped me release the tears i hold back. It helps remind me thar im also a human

[shushsush]

Why do guys always make really good friendships awkward by asking or wanting to turn it into a relationship. The typical no girl has ever treated me like this before is such an overused phrase. Literally, maybe that's why no girl treats you so nicely or friendly before? Cause they don't want you to think they are doing this for a relationship?

Also, I'm using you? According to your friend, who doesn't even properly know me? How could i be using you when half of the time it's you who offer and do things without asking? Sure, i ask you for help or a ride every now and then, but literally, so do all your other "friends." Suddenly, i become a user because of your feelings for me? How hillarious.

I literally became your friend for being a friend. I do friend things as i do with my other friends. Just cause someone doesn't give as many gifts or acts of service doesn't mean mean they are using you. I literally spend so much time talking with you because that's how i show my friendship and appreciation. How shallow it is for someone to base another if they don't do the exact same as you.

[shushsush]

Wtf why is this fucking german boi never getting out of my head. Im pretty sure he doesn't like me at all and is just being really friendly fr. Stop running around my mind

[shushsush]

I got no one to talk to, no friend, not even a foe. It's just me, by myself, yes, I am alone. The friends I made don't treasure me the same, I'm treated like trash that is easily thrown away. Sometimes, I wish to be gone and not exist. All these feelings I have, please, I want them gone. Pain after pain, why do I always expect for someone. They are all the same chatting when they need me, but once I need help, they're gone or just leave.

Sometimes, I wish I could cease to exist. Sometimes, I wish I never did this. I wish I kept my feelings dead like before, where words can't hurt me or affect me so strong. I look at the friends I hold, oh so dear, and then realize that not everyone cares with the same exact care or the same exact fondness. I realize that I'm replaceable to them and to others. I want to scream, cry, and shout to let out all these feelings. But all I can do is shed one tear and write these words for only myself to hear.

[shushsush]

This is a shoutout to my friend who needs to get his shit together.

Some men really need to control their emotions and not take it out on others 🙄🙄. Like if you aren't feeling the convo or situation just make an excuse to go away or not reply. No need to get all pissy at someone for shit you're going through. Ye the person could've been the one to push your emotions over the edge. But like if you knew you weren't feeling interacting just don't message or interact in the first place? Go chill out and clear your head before you want to interact or you'll just make everything go to shit cause you thought. "Nothing could make my mood become worse than it already is". You'd think after experiencing so much similar shit for the past 25+ yrs you'd know that shit don't work. 🙄🙄🙄

#some men #chill out #tf? #don't take it out on others #shoutout to my friend #bitch

[shushsush]

Guys ain't shit, you expect me to chase after you or interact when you ghost me? Not worth my time.

[shushsush]

I'm too clingy to him, he's just my best friend. It makes me jealous seeing him so happy and loving to another. But i know we are strictly best friends because of my family. He's no longer interested in me and I made it so. But why am I still so jealous about his new crush. Maybe because I know they match each other so well. And maybe because they both like each other so much that there's genuine love and interest that I've never experienced with another. Will I ever find a friendship and love so nice and loving and nontoxic?

[shushsush]

WHAT? WDYM??? YOU’LL LOSE INTERNET???

We can’t lose you!

I CAN'T LOOSE YALL EITHER OR I'M GONNA GO INSANE.

PLEASE SPREAD THIS

[shushsush]

Not my guy best friend definitely almost committing unalive but was saved by his online "little sister" then not giving me any context or info on what happened to him. I'm not mad that he won't tell me or seek for my comfort or etc. Because I know that I'm shit at comfort in words. I'm just sad that I didn't even notice anything he's going through. I'm sad that I can't comfort him cause I don't know how to. I'm sad because even though its not obvious we are also drifting apart. I'm sad and happy that he found a new best friend that isn't me. I just hope he's safe and happier even if I'm not talking or hanging out with him.

[shushsush]

Want to kill my self as usual, got scolded and threathened for not sleeping at 12 am or earlier.cause apparently working at a time where no one bothers you isn't a viable reasone to work at hours when no one is awake. And they wonder why im not fucking happy or can't decide on shit by myself. It's cause I can't, whenever i want to do something, whenever i choose to do something I always get shitted at by my parents. Why arent you doing as good as this other person. If you like it so much be a professional then. It's a fucking hobby for a fucking reason. It's to destress from all you bitchasses who shit on me for being happy.

I have it easy compared to you? Compared to everyone? Ya isn't that why you worked so hard for you wanted me to have an easier life? You wanted your fucking kid to have less problems than you did growing up? Then why do you always compare me to others? Why do you get mad at mw having fun. Why get mad at me for enjoying something in peace when no one disturbs me? Do you even know why I got depression in the first place? It's not because of the stress in my life it's cause of your fucking words, the verbal abuse you call "motivation" to "help me become a better person".

You know why I don't give a shit about my appearance? Cause you always told me don't be in a relationship we don't approve of or don't attract these type of race cause we got to keep the blood pure. I'm doing a great job why you mad at me? I'm not getting into any relationships not attracting anyone? Why are you so mad? Why can't i be as good as these people my age? Or start stuff like them? Idk maybe cause they like what they do? Maybe they don't convince themselves that they like things that they don't? MAYBE THEIR FUCKING FAMILY CHEERS THEM ON FOR DOING THINGS THEY LOVE AND NOT WHAT THEY'RE TOLD TO DO?

#stressed #depressed #hate life

[shushsush]

Update he got a new girl he crushing on and flirting with. And according to him the crush he had on the first girl is stating to fade cause they dun talk much cause she's been busy with chores and stuff lmao. What's worse is the busy girl has a really big crush on him so she tries to seduce him and stuff but he's placing her in the friend/baby-zone. He's saying she's more like a baby he should take care of now and shes being clingy lmao. And now I don't really care anymore whether he hangs or chats with me as much anymore. Cause even if im best friends with him I usually have to initiate the conversation, I'm getting tired. Now I just talk to keep the friendship cause I haven't found someone to chat with a lot. If this sounds like I'm looking for a replacement bff who can actually be interested in my life as I am to theirs. I am. I mean i love my best friend, I really do. I want him to be happy and stuff. So I'm slowly distancing myself from him until we no longer talk like to all my other bestfriends who were in the process of having a S/O.

I know this isn't healthy and whatever but I'm the type to char with someone almost everyday. No matter how busy I may be and sadly I don't get the same energy I give to people. I do understand that everyone can't give the same effort or energy but it's really draining no matter how patient I am.

[shushsush]

Lmao he got upset that I said something related to the girl he's "not flirting with" and he didn't hear me properly so he left the call lmao. Then proceeded to lowkey guilt trip me when he went back on call just to find out what I said about the chick 🙄🙄🙄. Then after he had the AUDACITY to ask me why I sounded so sad. HMMMMMMMMM idk maybe if you remember that I've been thrown away for the nth time because of my bestfriends getting into some sort of relationship.

[shushsush]

She got your full attention, and I'm only needed as a distraction. You said it isn't so but trust me I already know, I was the stand in when she leaves you alone. So stop making me feel this way, I'm jealous of her but I won't say. She's everything I wish to be, both beautiful and pretty. But in the end I'll always be. Alone in the city.