self-recovery-discovery

[self-recovery-discovery]

hi future me,

haven't written anything in a while. This is mostly a vent post.

I've been,,, lost. In thought, in myself and in my environment. My sister is getting therapy rn and I want to go too. I really do. But anxiety is getting to me. I'm going to a different country in a month, and then im supposed to go back to uni to the course i've chosen by luck, as something of "just in case" that i spent like 5 minutes thinking about. It's easy but im not sure it's something I want. I haven't really thought about what I want in while. I don't think I ever thought about it at all.

You see, there's lack of communication in my house and from observing my older siblings I just assumed I would have to do certain things. Normal thing to do when no one wants to tell you anything and you're like 10. The only lessons that stick with me, from my mom was stuff like "what would the neighbours say" or some comment like "stop being stupid" while sharing a problem I have, cuz apparently my attitude is the problem. So I shut myself out. Well mostly my emotions but that's like most of your personality isn't it. When I share my interests it isn't easier at all cuz im told to shup up or something along those lines. Why are you spending your time on that, blah blah blah. And then they wonder why I don't talk. I sometimes ask myself how someone be that stupid, lacking so much in the psychology department to not be able to tell that what you say for years on end can a) cause anxiety and total shutdown cuz the kid starts feeling ashamed of themself, cuz what would the neighbours say and b) you saying something different one time won't do shit. Fucking think for once i'm tired of waiting and thinking I have to fix your attitude, you're the fucking parent here you stupid fuck.

"How dare you say something like that about your birthgiver" listen all of us have their moments, and this is the only way I know how to get rid of it in a way that won't harm anyone. It's a stupid tumblr post where I write about my traumas. And I am irritated to no end. If you're a parent of some years don't assume you know everything about kids and read books about parenting, or at least psychology in teens cuz istg that would have saved me so much time.

Not that im a perfect human being, we are what our envirovement made of us. And im schools weren't a safe haven from home life either.

Hope you can figure out how to talk to mom about this and actually make progress in making her aware, future me, cuz I am unable to do that without bursting into tears and having a panic attack so there's that. Baby steps will be needed I guess.

Sincerely, Isa

#vent #recovery-discovery-diary #diary #posting to rid myself of my irritation #somehow it feels like letting it flow into space and never getting back

[self-recovery-discovery]

[self-recovery-discovery]

I sometimes feel blood tricking slowly down my leg or arm and I have look, to make sure.

There's nothing there.

And yet, I feel the warmth of it the same.

#Observations of a lonely soul

[self-recovery-discovery]

Hi future me,

Before anything, this is not my main blog therefore I won't reply to any comments you guys write but I do read them. Glad you guys want to leave something on this little journal of mine. :]

Anyways, there's five kids in my family, me being the fourth. My siblings are around 10 years older than me (from 8 to 13 more accurately) and I think it changes everything in how a kid grows up. My parents are quite old too, they had me at 40.

People don't realise how much that little fact changes.

I don't know what mother my siblings had, but the mom in my memories was an anxious little thing. Always polite to strangers, always telling me to listen. Until she was not and she blew up at home. It wasn't aggressive screaming, but it was screaming nonetheless, bringing awareness to her own emotions and displeasures. Putting you on high alert, scared and not knowing how to proceed. My siblings took to either leaving home or shutting themselves in their rooms. I did the latter or tried to somehow calm her down. Well, sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. If you wanted to tell her what's going on she turns defensive the moment you call her out. It's shaky ground.

I grew up listening to her talk about how she's going to die and we won't be able to deal, holding something like her death over our heads. Kinda heavy.

She told me today that she should just cut herself and leave because my sister got mad at her, because something did not go her way.

I told her many times that she should see a therapist. And many times I was ignored.

I wonder if that's what made me so accostumed to other people's suicidal thoughts. Wonder if that's what accostumed me to loss.

On another hand, if you came to her upset, she would downplay your worry, saying how it's not a big deal and that you shouldn't worry. If you were still freaking out about the issue, she would get upset instead.

You can see how she treats it as if she's the victim here. There's no victims here, just people that been hurt by someones actions. I wish she'd understand it instead of transferring that energy into emotionally manipulating us, even if she is unaware she does it.

And it's kinda hard to educate your mother when she treats you like a little baby. Somehow she doesn't have that same mentality when she dumps on me her worries though.

Pardon me if I sound bitter. I'm still trying to figure this one out.

I know she grew up in communism, on a farm and her life wasn't the easiest. But that's only an explanation of her behavior and she's 3 times older than me. Why would a child be responsible for their parents' feelings? Shouldn't the older be the more responsible one here? Her actions shouldn't be excused just because of her trauma. It's like she's trying to make herself busy enough not to be able to think and then gets upset that she's busy.

She wasn't very present when I was little either, making herself busy with chores and leaving me to my older brother or the neighbours to play with the kids there. I don't remember ever playing with her if I'm being honest.

It's not that she doesn't have any good qualities or anything. She always made sure we had something for dinner, cleaned our clothes and cleaned the house. Taught me how to cook, clean. She was gentle with me when I was younger. Never taught me how to take care of myself, but taught me how to take care of others.

But that's kinda the bare minimum so.

There's several other things like how she called me ugly whenever I cried when I was 2-4 years old. How she always said to be the bigger person, to never be upset over other kids getting accommodated to their needs and wants when I didn't. To be the quiet good kid and not cause trouble.

How she said "to say something to the teacher" and left it at that when I said kids my age were picking up on me when I was in 1st grade.

I guess that's what people call mommy issues? I'm still coming to terms with being able to have similar issues to other people.

When you grow in shadow of a person like my mom it's kinda hard to see yourself as someone worthy enough of having issues. Or saying "I don't have it that bad" "there's others that have it much worse". Well I'm done with that mentality at least.

It's still chaotic in my head, her relationship with me. It's not very clear and I know I've been hurt more than enough by her. I don't think I like her much as a person. Sometimes I wonder if she likes me as a person, and not as her child. Probably not.

Her being over 60 right now adds another layer to everything. You see when your parents are older you stop expecting things like support after you move out. You don't expect them to be there for you or anything. And when you have a lot of older siblings living near their house you don't worry about stuff like "who will take care of them later?" or "I have to marry so they can have grandkids" like how society expects you to think. So it's just an uncomfortable emptiness, where you're not sure how to proceed.

It's confusing, emotionally draining and not something you can just Google and find for yourself. You have to sit there, uncomfortably with yourself and ask how much you have to go, how much of loneliness is expected to be there and how hard it will be to adjust while remembering all her words, be it unconsciously or not.

The ground is shaky and flaky, ready to break down under my feet and fall into the darkness of the abyss and I'm not sure how fast I can run to outrun the breaking dirt.

As dramatic as it sounds, the feelings are there, real and chaotic in my chest and that's enough of a reason.

There's gonna be a lot more of this I'm pretty sure. I'm still trying to maneuver correcrly through my feelings about this. I just hope I can get through it fairly easly.

Really hope you have it figured out future me,

Sincerely,

Isa

#recovery-discovery-diary #diary #mommy issues #my diary

[self-recovery-discovery]

Hi future me,

I'm not sure what exactly "comfort" is.

Self soothing, I get. It's like a touch, a distraction, to keep your mind afloat. To have a link with reality. Cold fingers on my chest to feel my chest rise and fall with each breathe.

But comfort?

Ever since I remember, there was no such thing as comfort food, no favorite shows or stories to reqatch and reread. No repetition would calm my mind. No familiarity to take comfort in.

Seeing people online mention their favorite shows, comfort drinks or foods never caught my attention that much. I never experienced it so it wasn't really important now was it?

Instead I searched for new things, for mental stimulation instead. For unfimiliarity in new works. New art. New works.

Instead of favorite colours I had colours that looked pretty, colour that created pretty pictures and feelings. Grey looks mesmerizing with green, blue hues making the orange seems like it's glowing. Pinks and browns and yellows.

Similarly with food, unless I didn't enjoy the taste or texture, all was fine with me. Pizza was the same as oatmeal to me.

I didn't mind.

I still don't.

Maybe it has to do with my aversion to touch, to warmth. Too much was easy to reach, and too much was suffocating.

There was a quote by someone, on an astrology forum. I quite like the study of the stars. It's fascinating. But the quote was about how taurus moon would take a cozy weighted blanket in a cold world. It's comfort for it.

For aries moon, comfort in a cold world was dangerous.

It struck me how much it resonates.

I feel comfortable in new things. In excitement. In movement.

Not in touch, drinks or warmth.

And isn't that fascinating, how a study of behavior, be it astrology, psychology or body language can make you think about a part of you that you never even thought about.

See you soon,

Isa

#recovery-discovery-diary #diary #self discovery

[self-recovery-discovery]

ethereal ♡. x

[self-recovery-discovery]

you are allowed to change your mind

[self-recovery-discovery]

Hi future me,

How are you? It's a quiet morning, I keep going back to stories unintentionally and get suprised when time passes. I keep forgetting to stay in a moment, to be aware. So I thought it would be good to take some time and write.

I don't think I ever mentioned it but I'm aroace. I think. It feels... Right.

Thought i don't like labels and pushing myself into a community this one doesn't feel so bad.

Let's talk about asexuality first. There's a lot to unpack.

So, I'm sure you remember thinking "hey I think I'm asexual" back in middle school. Taking time to figure it out and sharing it with online "friends". I just wanted to talk it over with someone, get an outside opinion, maybe some comfort.

I wasn't met with that, instead insults and malicious laughter filled my ears during the voice call. I didn't know at that time but it hurt me, to the point of questioning myself and my feelings. I think this event was the start of me holding my trauma as a weapon, never feeling vulnerable while talking about stuff that happened to me, wording everything in a way that would make the other person feel bad. I never used that tactic that much but it was there, just in case. (is that why I don't share anything with people? Does it still feel like a weapon?)

So, the conclusion I came to was met with huge disagreement. It made me feel like I had to be different, pushing myself into being more of what I wasn't.

When I entered high school I sported a "I must be pansexual" mindset.

It wasn't that hard, I never imagined doing the deed or even kissing with other people, it feeling wrong and just purely disrespectful to the other person. My hypersexualisation didn't help. Or the fact that I did feel sexual needs.

See, one third of toddlers use masturbation to self sooth, the touch feeling nice and nothing more. There's nothing sexual about it. It's like a new sensation that feels nice. Like a hug from their mom or someone stroking their hair. Nothing else. (Because I'm posting this on the internet, please note this: If you think it is something sexual please stop and go see a therapist. Those are children and they don't deserve to be treated like a toy for your fantasies. Get help.)

You're probably wondering why I'm mentioning this.

See, I was one of those toddlers, using the sensation to soothe the lack of attention, lack of understanding and affection from my parents and siblings. I was left alone most of the time, the rejection others gave me leaving me upset and sad. So the masturbation was left as a coping mechanism from my childhood and confused me even more about my sexuality. It was very confusing to figure out that bodily reaction. Especially with how I started searching, looking for information back in middle school about asexuality. It was very confusing and I didn't understand that it was "little to none or lack of sexual attraction". But there was a lot information about sex repulsed people that would never even discover their own bodies.

So the confusion from the label itself and the rejection made it pretty hard to think of myself as such.

So I pushed myself, other people's words making me put myself into situations I normally wouldn't put myself in. Several relationships online, because those wasn't physical and I had space where people couldn't touch me, and most of them were based on other people's needs. I didn't have to think, just manipulating my behavior to fit other people, to look normal. It was pretty easy, my mental state not letting me see or be in the moment. It felt like an RP, like the ones I wrote with kids online on Skype or games like feral heart or imvu. The reaction i would get was the one I thought I would get, like things following a script.

Mind you none of those relationships were official or anything. Just teenagers and grown men pushing their fantasies onto someone who wasn't there at all. It's kinda fucked up on its own and should get a post alone. There's a lot to unpack there.

After my last relationship, one that I met the person in real life, memories from middle school came back to me, making me think. The disassociation I've been in clearing and making me see things for the first time in ages. The meeting made me uncomfortable to the point of crying. Maybe my reaction to those people while texting should make it clear. I was always perplexed and thought of them as pathetic every time they fell for words i would write. I guess the dissasiocation made it difficult for me to even catch that.

It took me some time to come to terms with the fact that I was asexual again. Or at least on the spectrum, but I know that I've never felt sexual attraction to anyone. So really it's just that trauma of being rejected pushing me into denial again.

The aromantism is what's new. I never noticed it because I've been using books and stories as an escape since young, the romance genre one of my favorites. I was never too keen on reading about kisses though, hugs and cuddles being a favorite of mine. I realise now it's just the lack of affection I've got from parents while I was young that made me crave the touch, just the warmth of another person that would understand.

I figured recently that I am romance repulsed even, the thought of PDA, kisses and the like making me uncomfortable to the point of disgust.

Though looking at how romance centered our society is i didn't want to believe that I was aromantic. I thought i would never find company, never find a person I could hang out with and share my life with.

(I am very against living with another person though, I don't think I will be able to handle someone in my own space as weird as it can sound to other people. I had too many siblings to enjoy living with someone else I guess.)

Maybe what I'm searching for is a platonic relationship with another aroace, someone I could sit in silence and dance waltz for fun. And what I learned from our society was that without romance i would never have that person. But what made me realise how wrong that thought was, was seeing a married aroace person in Antony padila video.

That one segment made me calm, made me realise that I can just be with another person without any romance or hidden meanings.

I felt relieved.

I'm not alone in my feelings.

I'm not as confused anymore.

I'm pretty sure something will pop up about this again. Probably my internet experience when I was younger. Maybe the trauma i got from my parents. But it's okay. I can work through that, feel the hurt again and grow. Like a burnt forest finding life again.

Sincerely,

Isa

#recovery-discovery-diary #diary #Aroace #implied grooming #aromantism

[self-recovery-discovery]

stories where the past is a wound that refuses to heal

[self-recovery-discovery]

Hi future me,

Recently I was wondering about loneliness and the concept of it. I never thought loneliness would be something I would struggle with. I'm not sure if it's because I was in a deep delusion and didn't think issues such as this can even affect me or if it was just me not being taught about things like that. My parents weren't the greatest teachers after all.

So I started searching. Have I always been lonely? But I did have friends didn't i?

Did I really?

I think I wrote about having problems with people pleasing. If not I'm mentioning it right now, but I let other people's perceptions and opinions sway me since I remember. I never asked myself if I liked someone, never asked what type of relationship I think I have with others. Just others' thoughts and words.

To this day the only person I ever thought of being my friend is that little kid I met in school. See, in my country there's something like class zero. It's a grade before starting 1st grade of elementary school. I was held back a year because I went to school too soon and it was illegal for me to go to 1st grade and preschool was not an option for my parents. So I stayed back, kids my age joining the classroom a year after me. That's where I met my first friend and that's where I started grasping the concept of friendship.

Of course I played with kids before, but I was always the oldest, always the one responsible even at the age of 4, the one looking after others so I don't think I could develop a friendship without that responsibility getting in the way. So my playmates weren't thought of as friends, I never called them that. They were simply kids from the neighborhood I played with and taken care of.

So after getting into 1st grade, and that tiny friend abandoning me for a new kid in class, I never thought of someone as "friend".

At least I can't remember anyone like that.

It was always other people pushing that idea on me, just for talking to them or tolerating their presence next to me. I didn't want anyone to get hurt because of me being mean or anything so I never disagreed. I think I still saw myself as responsible for others, because of that responsibility of taking care of the younger kids. It would make sense.

At least to me.

People used to say i got "adopted" by a friend group or an entire classroom. Perhaps that was true, seeing how I never tried to search for friends. I only ever talked to people that were in my vicinity, if i needed something from a classmate I would just ask.

I didn't have that courage in early schooling since I was getting bullied so I stayed quiet, always observing. But stuff changed around middle school and it was the lack of caring, lack of feeling that got me through that shyness. Or maybe social anxiety. I'm not sure which one.

After finishing school and getting in with not a very good for my mental health group of people I started noticing how little I cared, how I only paid attention to one person, seeing every little reaction they had, always anxious and ready to bold.

Maybe it was loneliness.

It probably was.

But it didn't came to me that what I felt was not "admiration" or "friendliness".

It was obsession.

I was obsessing over them because I was scared of them.

And I had real reasons to. So before the ship could sant with me on the board I jumped off.

I was good at leaving people behind after all.

So I cut them off.

It's one of the reasons why I started becoming aware of myself so much.

So now, I'm thinking to myself "do I consider people that called me their friend on the internet a friend as well?"

And, surprisingly, the answer to that question is no. I don't.

And I don't know how to feel about that.

I think it's time to start caring more about myself.

Is it funny that I'm being afraid of being called selfish?

Yet again someone else's opinion is still in the back of my mind.

I guess it will take a while

Best regards,

Isa

#recovery-discovery-diary #diary #Loneliness

[self-recovery-discovery]

Magical nature

[self-recovery-discovery]

Hello future me,

I think I'm going to start writing these posts like a letter. It feels more... Meaningful.

A lot of stuff happened today in my mind space. I came to terms with a lot of stuff. I think my anxiety came from my mom always fearing for me and pushing all her worries onto me. Don't go to the forest, don't go to the city by yourself, don't be friends with that girl, do not eat chips that's unhealthy, I'm worried about money, your dad bought random stuff again and that upsets me. Just little knickknacks everyday, every hour to the point of me not questioning anything anymore. My thoughts didn't matter but my mom's fears did so I had to fear as well. Do not relax, there's probably more stuff to fear why would she panic over something like this if there wasn't.

So I grew up anxious, not allowed to do anything except my chores and the internet. Of course I couldn't show myself, couldn't talk unless it was other kids, couldn't post anything.

To this day I'm afraid of other people's opinions because if they saw, that meant an attack, a verbal or a physical one and the bullying i went through in early education didn't really help. I wonder if there's more.

So I went through my life fearing of perception from others, so I bended and twisted, never really learning what I did like or what I preferred. I never missed "past me" because there was never a *past me". Just random facts and projections other people had and my reactions to it.

I became aware of it all this December.

I... Slowly started learning about myself, after cutting most people off.

I wonder if I have to cut off more.

Their perception of me and their projections are becoming too much and I already struggle with talking about myself and expressing myself. It's new after all, I'm not sure how much I can say.

I just hope I can understand and have space for all that hurt I've been through. It feels like getting through an ice berg.

But you should already know.

Sincerely,

Isa

#recovery-discovery-diary #diary #Letter to future self #Trauma #anxious

[self-recovery-discovery]

Hi

So this is a first post after introduction. I thought about what to write but thinking won't help with typing and it's easier for me to just... Do it. So I'm gonna do it.

I'd love to start with something light, but I'm not sure what is considered "light". See, i was always interested in psychology and human behavior, analising everyone and every character I came across so I'm not sure what's considered as heavy except the very extreme stuff, like death and suicide. I'm afraid I'm lacking a little bit in the terms of common sense in this regard. Sorry.

Worth noting for the future when I will figure out how to start opening this issue up.

Let's start with something easy for me then. I consider myself smart. I didn't always do that. It took work and a lot of words of encouragement from myself to be able to say that I'm smart. So did several other things but this is about being smart.

I was never really into learning at school or putting effort where others kids did. I'm not sure if it was lack of energy or if I was simply not there mentally, not aware enough to feel any kind of push towards academics, but even without doing homework, or studying outside of school I did well grade wise.

Teachers didn't worry about me or said anything, except calling me lazy a couple of times, saying how I could do so much better with a little bit more studying, even tho I didn't study at all in the first place. I don't remember my reaction to that. It cuts off.

I caught on pretty fast, figured stuff maybe not the fastest but in my own way. It seemed that other kids had easier time with the cues the teacher gave us, easier came up with a solution the teacher expected. I had a problem with that, even when I was 9. I thought it had to be a different way of thinking. "Thinking outside the box" as adults called it. So I tried thinking inside the box.

That didn't work out and I was left confused, to figure the workings of things on my own.

I managed after following my own thought pattern instead of trying to go along with the teacher.

My work sheets and thought patterns left my teachers confused but that was fine. I learned the material so they couldn't really do anything.

So I just drifted in school, listening during lessons and understanding the concepts. Never really remembering my grades or caring as long as it wasn't a bad grade.

Didn't consider myself smart or stupid or anything.

I was just... There.

Till I got older and older and the lack of recognition turned into doubt and doubt turned into low self esteem.

So I drifted cuz that's what worked, that's what helped me cope.

And thr next thing I know I'm in second year of high school, gasping for air after a panic attack over a physics exam.

For the first time i was aware of the moment and overwhelmed beyond reason.

I didn't like thy very much, I'm still wondering how I was not crying about the situation at all.

Well that's it for now.

Sorry for typpos of there are any, it's late. I'm not very good at keeping interested for proof reading sometimes.

Best regards,

Isa

#recovery-discovery-diary #Diary

[self-recovery-discovery]

Hi

This is an online diary/notebook I will lead to figure out and remember my past

I'm trying to figure out trauma and what had caused my current and past behaviour

I will be documenting everything on this blog as a point of reference for future

Every post will be under a tag - #recovery-discovery-diary

I'm not sure how triggering or upsetting the words I will write will be so please take care

If you stumble upon this blog, please feel free to say hi it gets lonely sometimes

Regards,

Isa

#Recovery-discovery-diary #Diary