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selestialhealing · 3 years

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With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I thought I’d share that I have every intention of taking care of myself and seeking help to get back to the person I know I can be. I’ve struggled with waves of not being well since I was a child, but this past year has really affected me in ways I never expected.

Not only did everything change in the blink of an eye with everything being shut down and moved online, but I also entered a new program with a lot more responsibility. I’m happy to know I finished strong, but I still sit here and think of all the ways I could’ve performed better and gotten through the days easier if only I had taken the time to take care of myself and get back into therapy. I look around and see so many others doing the same thing, and I’m hoping we can all work towards doing what’s truly best for us.

I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed from the moment I wake up until the moment I lay my head down, only to stay up for hours struggling to slow down my mind. I’m tired of feeling inadequate because I fail to do what I used to do so easily and what I know I’m capable of. I’ve struggled a lot with imposter syndrome, wondering if I belong where I am after being so certain this was where I was meant to be—living life on screen and away from others has proven to be difficult, sucking the creativity and ability to relax out of me. I’ve struggled to create. I’ve struggled to write, especially over the past semester. I’ve struggled to sleep, to get up in time, to stay on top of everything, to allow myself to be human—all while dealing with technological issues and adjustments and balancing the obligations I feel to others, myself, and the many things I choose to be part of.

Since I first started experiencing symptoms of anxiety, depression, and OCD in elementary school, I’ve struggled with convincing myself I’m okay by consuming myself with distractions—more specifically extracurricular activities, taking care of others, and my education. Sometimes, I get so angry with myself when I feel like I’m at my breaking point because I know I spread myself too thin. I convince myself everything’s fine and I’m just overwhelmed with my workload or the responsibilities for the day when it’s not that simple. My symptoms have only gotten worse: not eating, not sleeping, not drinking water, not exercising, not feeling, not waking up until I’m no longer stuck in a vivid dream (and y’all, I really mean STUCK). I’ve been on the same medicine since high school, and it hasn’t seemed to helped a bit since we first returned to school in the Fall. I haven’t been back to counseling because of the influx of new patients and backed up waiting lists in surrounding areas. I haven’t been back to counseling because I keep putting it off, because I don’t have insurance, because I don’t want to deal with paperwork or making appointments. I haven’t been back to counseling because I’m scared.

Mental health is not talked about or taken seriously enough in a time that everyone is truly being affected. Since I’ve officially submitted my last final for the semester, the first thing on my to-do list is to find an office to start counseling with. The next is to follow up on new medication. And after that, who knows... Lots of healing. Lots of accountability. Lots of doing the work no matter how unfair it is.

I want to write. I want to read. I want to sit outside because I can, because my soul demands it. I want to dance and listen to music and play music again. I want to socialize and connect and be the best version of myself, the person 12-year-old me would think is the coolest. I want to take selfies again. I want to look in the mirror and see a twinkle in my eyes, to wake up and feel worthy and deserving and alive. I want to feel more than a heavy weight in my chest or my mind being crushed by the feeling of impending doom (over something as simple as waking up later than I intended when my body clearly needed rest). It is so exhausting to live a life where you feel you’re just going through the motions, not making memories or processing everything you’re experiencing. It’s scary to forget the feeling of lasting joy, to wake up and feel like nothing you do can make things better, to realize you just keep distracting yourself and setting yourself up for failure just because you’re “making it” through.

I am so much more than I have been lately (and lately dates back to a long time ago if we’re being wholeheartedly honest), but I’m trying to be kind and forgiving and patient and gracious to myself just as I would be to any other person struggling to get through the day. I’m trying to tell myself it’s not too late, that it’s worth it, that it will get better—even when my mind tries to convince me otherwise. I haven’t been as transparent as I used to be, acting like everything’s fine and posting the most put-together-looking versions of myself and only sharing the good parts—if I even have the energy for that.

The truth is there have been lots of cloudy days over the past year, lots of tears, lots of out-of-character moments, lots of backsliding in any progress I’ve ever made, lots of falling back on unhealthy coping mechanisms I spent months unlearning. There have been lots of moments of almost giving up, of being mean to myself, of doubting myself and my ability and my worth. Our minds are so powerful, carrying the power to build or destroy. Mine has been destroying me, little by little, every day. I haven’t slept or eaten like I should. I haven’t listened to my body. I’ve pushed aside the obvious symptoms and convinced myself it could be dealt with later, all while knowing I’ve been sinking deeper and deeper. Every. Single. Day.

Here’s to going on this journey once again and hopefully staying on top of it, giving myself the time and space to thoroughly heal. I’m so used to pouring myself into others, into a paper or my classes, into organizing events and performing jobs that drain the little bit of energy I can muster up (and yes, these things are rewarding when I accomplish the task at hand... but I’m still not okay). So much of my worth has been tied to the accomplishments I achieve. This will be my third time scheduling a consultation with a therapist. This will be my third time switching medications after building up a tolerance or dealing with side effects since the age of 17. I don’t like to think this will be forever, but until I do something, it will be.

Life is hard, especially with everything going on. Please check in on those around you. Check in on yourself. Encourage yourself to do what’s necessary to stop giving into what you have the power to change, even if it takes a bit more time or energy than you’d like. If you read this far, thank you for taking the time to do so. Thank you for caring. For once, I’ll say openly and publicly I’m not okay. Most days, I’m far from it. And I haven’t been for quite some time. In so many ways, I’ve been in much lower places mentally. Yet in other ways, I’m lower than I’ve ever been before. I’m tired. But I’m tired enough to do something to change this narrative before I’m too tired to do anything at all. And I’m hoping if you feel this too, you will hold yourself to the same standard. Reminding myself and everyone who’s read this far that progress is never linear, but that doesn’t mean progress isn’t obtainable either. I hope you learn to remind yourself this too.

That degree isn’t everything. That job isn’t everything. That inconsiderate person in your life isn’t everything. It is not the end of the world, no matter how much it feels to be crashing and burning down around you. And nothing you do or don’t do matters if you’re not capable of soaking in the moment, if you’re not all here to experience it. I hope I can learn to remember this. I hope you can too.

#text #mental health #mental heath awareness

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