sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

Farewell my President

The first time I voted I didn’t do my research because I allowed someone to encourage me to believe that the Democratic party had no business running office. I was young and naive and easily persuaded. Trust me I learned my lesson, can’t and won’t let anyone think for me.

2007 came around and it was time to find our next president of the beautiful U.S.A and I was excited and pumped. I literally felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins, because I was going to do my own research, I was going to make my own mind about who I thought was fit to run our country and I was going to help. So my research began and I stumbled upon this Senator from Chicago. He was smart, eloquent, funny, kind that was looking for change and wanted to bring hope. Bonus points he looked like me. By me I mean minority. Finally a step in the right direction, a person who back in his time understood what it was like to feel confused on where you stood in the world. He wasn’t some rich privileged silver spoon man. Seriously I finally found my president. Every single Sunday from 9am to 3pm I went to door to door making sure my community was looking for hope as well. I liked it so much I signed up to campaign once again rain or shine.

There are a ton of you out there that were always so skeptical of President Obama from the beginning and have forgotten or didn’t pay attention to everything that Mr. President accomplished. Just in case you forgot:

1. Passed Health Care Reform: After five presidents over a century failed to create universal health insurance, signed the Affordable Care Act (2010). It will cover 32 million uninsured Americans beginning in 2014 and mandates a suite of experimental measures to cut health care cost growth, the number one cause of America’s long-term fiscal problems(FYI I have benefited from this, before I couldn’t afford any health care and hadn’t gone to a doctor for over tens before this Act was passed).

2. Passed the Stimulus: Signed $787 billion American Recovery and Reinvestment Act in 2009 to spur economic growth amid greatest recession since the Great Depression. Weeks after stimulus went into effect, unemployment claims began to subside. Twelve months later, the private sector began producing more jobs than it was losing, and it has continued to do so for twenty-three straight months, creating a total of nearly 3.7 million new private-sector jobs.

3. Passed Wall Street Reform: Signed the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act (2010) to re-regulate the financial sector after its practices caused the Great Recession. The new law tightens capital requirements on large banks and other financial institutions, requires derivatives to be sold on clearinghouses and exchanges, mandates that large banks provide “living wills” to avoid chaotic bankruptcies, limits their ability to trade with customers’ money for their own profit, and creates the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (now headed by Richard Cordray) to crack down on abusive lending products and companies.

4. Ended the War in Iraq: Ordered all U.S. military forces out of the country. Last troops left on December 18, 2011.

5. Began Drawdown of War in Afghanistan: From a peak of 101,000 troops in June 2011, U.S. forces are now down to 91,000, with 23,000 slated to leave by the end of summer 2012. According to Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, the combat mission there will be over by next year.

6. Eliminated Osama bin laden: In 2011, ordered special forces raid of secret compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, in which the terrorist leader was killed and a trove of al-Qaeda documents was discovered.

7. Turned Around U.S. Auto Industry: In 2009, injected $62 billion in federal money (on top of $13.4 billion in loans from the Bush administration) into ailing GM and Chrysler in return for equity stakes and agreements for massive restructuring. Since bottoming out in 2009, the auto industry has added more than 100,000 jobs. In 2011, the Big Three automakers all gained market share for the first time in two decades. The government expects to lose $16 billion of its investment, less if the price of the GM stock it still owns increases.

8. Recapitalized Banks: In the midst of financial crisis, approved controversial Treasury Department plan to lure private capital into the country’s largest banks via “stress tests” of their balance sheets and a public-private fund to buy their “toxic” assets. Got banks back on their feet at essentially zero cost to the government.

9. Repealed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”: Ended 1990s-era restriction and formalized new policy allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military for the first time.

10. Toppled Moammar Gaddafi: In March 2011, joined a coalition of European and Arab governments in military action, including air power and naval blockade, against Gaddafi regime to defend Libyan civilians and support rebel troops. Gaddafi’s forty-two-year rule ended when the dictator was overthrown and killed by rebels on October 20, 2011. No American lives were lost.

11. Told Mubarak to Go: On February 1, 2011, publicly called on Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak to accept reform or step down, thus weakening the dictator’s position and putting America on the right side of the Arab Spring. Mubarak ended thirty-year rule when overthrown on February 11.

12. Reversed Bush Torture Policies: Two days after taking office, nullified Bush-era rulings that had allowed detainees in U.S. custody to undergo certain “enhanced” interrogation techniques considered inhumane under the Geneva Conventions. Also released the secret Bush legal rulings supporting the use of these techniques.

13. Improved America’s Image Abroad: With new policies, diplomacy, and rhetoric, reversed a sharp decline in world opinion toward the U.S. (and the corresponding loss of “soft power”) during the Bush years. From 2008 to 2011, favorable opinion toward the United States rose in ten of fifteen countries surveyed by the Pew Global Attitudes Project, with an average increase of 26 percent.

14. Kicked Banks Out of Federal Student Loan Program, Expanded Pell Grant Spending: As part of the 2010 health care reform bill, signed measure ending the wasteful decades-old practice of subsidizing banks to provide college loans. Starting July 2010 all students began getting their federal student loans directly from the federal government. Treasury will save $67 billion over ten years, $36 billion of which will go to expanding Pell Grants to lower-income students.

15. Created Race to the Top: With funds from stimulus, started $4.35 billion program of competitive grants to encourage and reward states for education reform.

16. Boosted Fuel Efficiency Standards: Released new fuel efficiency standards in 2011 that will nearly double the fuel economy for cars and trucks by 2025.

17. Coordinated International Response to Financial Crisis: To keep world economy out of recession in 2009 and 2010, helped secure from G-20 nations more than $500 billion for the IMF to provide lines of credit and other support to emerging market countries, which kept them liquid and avoided crises with their currencies.

18. Passed Mini Stimuli: To help families hurt by the recession and spur the economy as stimulus spending declined, signed series of measures (July 22, 2010; December 17, 2010; December 23, 2011) to extend unemployment insurance and cut payroll taxes.

19. Began Asia “Pivot”: In 2011, reoriented American military and diplomatic priorities and focus from the Middle East and Europe to the Asian-Pacific region. Executed multipronged strategy of positively engaging China while reasserting U.S. leadership in the region by increasing American military presence and crafting new commercial, diplomatic, and military alliances with neighboring countries made uncomfortable by recent Chinese behavior.

20. Increased Support for Veterans: With so many soldiers coming home from Iraq and Iran with serious physical and mental health problems, yet facing long waits for services, increased 2010 Department of Veterans Affairs budget by 16 percent and 2011 budget by 10 percent. Also signed new GI bill offering $78 billion in tuition assistance over a decade, and provided multiple tax credits to encourage businesses to hire veterans.

21. Tightened Sanctions on Iran: In effort to deter Iran’s nuclear program, signed Comprehensive Iran Sanctions, Accountability, and Divestment Act (2010) to punish firms and individuals who aid Iran’s petroleum sector. In late 2011 and early 2012, coordinated with other major Western powers to impose sanctions aimed at Iran’s banks and with Japan, South Korea, and China to shift their oil purchases away from Iran.

22. Created Conditions to Begin Closing Dirtiest Power Plants: New EPA restrictions on mercury and toxic pollution, issued in December 2011, likely to lead to the closing of between sixty-eight and 231 of the nation’s oldest and dirtiest coal-fired power plants. Estimated cost to utilities: at least $11 billion by 2016. Estimated health benefits: $59 billion to $140 billion. Will also significantly reduce carbon emissions and, with other regulations, comprises what’s been called Obama’s “stealth climate policy.”

23. Passed Credit Card Reforms: Signed the Credit Card Accountability, Responsibility, and Disclosure Act (2009), which prohibits credit card companies from raising rates without advance notification, mandates a grace period on interest rate increases, and strictly limits overdraft and other fees.

24. Eliminated Catch-22 in Pay Equality Laws: Signed Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act in 2009, giving women who are paid less than men for the same work the right to sue their employers after they find out about the discrimination, even if that discrimination happened years ago. Under previous law, as interpreted by the Supreme Court in Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co., the statute of limitations on such suits ran out 180 days after the alleged discrimination occurred, even if the victims never knew about it.

25. Protected Two Liberal Seats on the U.S. Supreme Court: Nominated and obtained confirmation for Sonia Sotomayor, the first Hispanic and third woman to serve, in 2009; and Elena Kagan, the fourth woman to serve, in 2010. They replaced David Souter and John Paul Stevens, respectively(this one made me so happy to see more diversity on these seats, almost like the feeling that can be me).

26. Improved Food Safety System: In 2011, signed FDA Food Safety Modernization Act, which boosts the Food and Drug Administration’s budget by $1.4 billion and expands its regulatory responsibilities to include increasing number of food inspections, issuing direct food recalls, and reviewing the current food safety practices of countries importing products into America.

27. Achieved New START Treaty: Signed with Russia (2010) and won ratification in Congress (2011) of treaty that limits each country to 1,550 strategic warheads (down from 2,200) and 700 launchers (down from more than 1,400), and reestablished and strengthened a monitoring and transparency program that had lapsed in 2009, through which each country can monitor the other.

28. Expanded National Service: Signed Serve America Act in 2009, which authorized a tripling of the size of AmeriCorps. Program grew 13 percent to 85,000 members across the country by 2012, when new House GOP majority refused to appropriate more funds for further expansion.

29. Expanded Wilderness and Watershed Protection: Signed Omnibus Public Lands Management Act (2009), which designated more than 2 million acres as wilderness, created thousands of miles of recreational and historic trails, and protected more than 1,000 miles of rivers.

30. Gave the FDA Power to Regulate Tobacco: Signed the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act (2009). Nine years in the making and long resisted by the tobacco industry, the law mandates that tobacco manufacturers disclose all ingredients, obtain FDA approval for new tobacco products, and expand the size and prominence of cigarette warning labels, and bans the sale of misleadingly labeled “light” cigarette brands and tobacco sponsorship of entertainment events.

31. Pushed Federal Agencies to Be Green Leaders: Issued executive order in 2009 requiring all federal agencies to make plans to soften their environmental impacts by 2020. Goals include 30 percent reduction in fleet gasoline use, 26 percent boost in water efficiency, and sustainability requirements for 95 percent of all federal contracts. Because federal government is the country’s single biggest purchaser of goods and services, likely to have ripple effects throughout the economy for years to come.

32. Passed Fair Sentencing Act: Signed 2010 legislation that reduces sentencing disparity between crack versus powder cocaine possessionfrom100 to1 to 18 to1.

33. Trimmed and Reoriented Missile Defense: Cut the Reagan-era “Star Wars” missile defense budget, saving $1.4 billion in 2010, and canceled plans to station antiballistic missile systems in Poland and the Czech Republic in favor of sea-based defense plan focused on Iran and North Korea.

34. Began Post-Post-9/11 Military Builddown: After winning agreement from congressional Republicans and Democrats in summer 2011 budget deal to reduce projected defense spending by $450 billion, proposed new DoD budget this year with cuts of that size and a new national defense strategy that would shrink ground forces from 570,000 to 490,000 over the next ten years while increasing programs in intelligence gathering and cyberwarfare.

35. Let Space Shuttle Die and Killed Planned Moon Mission: Allowed the expensive ($1 billion per launch), badly designed, dangerous shuttle program to make its final launch on July 8, 2011. Cut off funding for even more bloated and problem-plagued Bush-era Constellation program to build moon base in favor of support for private-sector low-earth orbit ventures, research on new rocket technologies for long-distance manned flight missions, and unmanned space exploration, including the largest interplanetary rover ever launched, which will investigate Mars’s potential to support life.

36. Invested Heavily in Renewable Technology: As part of the 2009 stimulus, invested $90 billion, more than any previous administration, in research on smart grids, energy efficiency, electric cars, renewable electricity generation, cleaner coal, and biofuels.

37. Crafting Next-Generation School Tests: Devoted $330 million in stimulus money to pay two consortia of states and universities to create competing versions of new K-12 student performance tests based on latest psychometric research. New tests could transform the learning environment in vast majority of public school classrooms beginning in 2014.

38. Cracked Down on Bad For-Profit Colleges: In effort to fight predatory practices of some for-profit colleges, Department of Education issued “gainful employment” regulations in 2011 cutting off commercially focused schools from federal student aid funding if more than 35 percent of former students aren’t paying off their loans and/or if the average former student spends more than 12 percent of his or her total earnings servicing student loans.

39. Improved School Nutrition: In coordination with Michelle Obama, signed Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act in 2010 mandating $4.5 billion spending boost and higher nutritional and health standards for school lunches. New rules based on the law, released in January, double the amount of fruits and vegetables and require only whole grains in food served to students.

40. Expanded Hate Crimes Protections: Signed Hate Crimes Prevention Act (2009), which expands existing hate crime protections to include crimes based on a victim’s sexual orientation, gender, or disability, in addition to race, color, religion, or national origin.

41. Avoided Scandal: As of November 2011, served longer than any president in decades without a scandal, as measured by the appearance of the word “scandal” (or lack thereof) on the front page of the Washington Post.

42. Brokered Agreement for Speedy Compensation to Victims of Gulf Oil Spill: Though lacking statutory power to compel British Petroleum to act, used moral authority of his office to convince oil company to agree in 2010 to a $20 billion fund to compensate victims of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico; $6.5 billion already paid out without lawsuits. By comparison, it took nearly two decades for plaintiffs in the Exxon Valdez Alaska oil spill case to receive $1.3 billion.

43. Created Recovery.gov: Web site run by independent board of inspectors general looking for fraud and abuse in stimulus spending, provides public with detailed information on every contract funded by $787 billion American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. Thanks partly to this transparency, board has uncovered very little fraud, and Web site has become national model: “The stimulus has done more to promote transparency at almost all levels of government than any piece of legislation in recent memory,” reports Governing magazine.

44. Pushed Broadband Coverage: Proposed and obtained in 2011 Federal Communications Commission approval for a shift of $8 billion in subsidies away from landlines and toward broadband Internet for lower-income rural families.

45. Expanded Health Coverage for Children: Signed 2009 Children’s Health Insurance Authorization Act, which allows the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) to cover health care for 4 million more children, paid for by a tax increase on tobacco products.

46. Recognized the Dangers of Carbon Dioxide: In 2009, EPA declared carbon dioxide a pollutant, allowing the agency to regulate its production.

47. Expanded Stem Cell Research: In 2009, eliminated the Bush-era restrictions on embryonic stem cell research, which shows promise in treating spinal injuries, among many other areas.

48. Provided Payment to Wronged Minority Farmers: In 2009, signed Claims Resolution Act, which provided $4.6 billion in funding for a legal settlement with black and Native American farmers who the government cheated out of loans and natural resource royalties in years past.

49. Helped South Sudan Declare Independence: Helped South Sudan Declare Independence: Appointed two envoys to Sudan and personally attended a special UN meeting on the area. Through U.S. ambassador to the United Nations Ambassador Susan Rice, helped negotiate a peaceful split in 2011.

50. Killed the F-22: In 2009, ended further purchases of Lockheed Martin single-seat, twin-engine, fighter aircraft, which cost $358 million apiece. Though the military had 187 built, the plane has never flown a single combat mission. Eliminating it saved $4 billion… Just to name a few..

Come present day, time has come and my president, correction I mean our president after eight glorious years we must say goodbye. Watching his farewell speech last week was super hard, yes I cried like a baby, just like I cried when he was first elected and he addressed us our nation for the first time as our president. I have learned a lot from Mr. President, I learned kindness, I learned to be hopeful and patient. I also learned from our First Lady that I should never let anyone get in my way from becoming something. I can actually go for days on how great Mrs. Obama is, but I don’t think I have all night to right this.

I am going to miss the First Family, the kindness, love, compassion, pose, grace and spirit they shared with our nation. One thing I will take from the Obamas is never losing HOPE, to always voice my concerns and make something happen.

Farewell my president and Thank You for a wonderful eight years and being one of the greatest presidents in history.

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

The first time I voted I didn’t do my research because I allowed someone to encourage me to believe that the Democratic party had no business running office. I was young and naive and easily persuaded. Trust me I learned my lesson, can’t and won’t let anyone think for me.

2007 came around and it was time to find our next president of the beautiful U.S.A and I was excited and pumped. I literally felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins, because I was going to do my own research, I was going to make my own mind about who I thought was fit to run our country and I was going to help. So my research began and I stumbled upon this Senator from Chicago. He was smart, eloquent, funny, kind that was looking for change and wanted to bring hope. Bonus points he looked like me. By me I mean minority. Finally a step in the right direction, a person who back in his time understood what it was like to feel confused on where you stood in the world. He wasn’t some rich privileged silver spoon man. Seriously I finally found my president. Every single Sunday from 9am to 3pm I went to door to door making sure my community was looking for hope as well. I liked it so much I signed up to campaign once again rain or shine. 

There are a ton of you out there that were always so skeptical of President Obama from the beginning and have forgotten or didn’t pay attention to everything that Mr. President accomplished. Just in case you forgot:

1. Passed Health Care Reform: After five presidents over a century failed to create universal health insurance, signed the Affordable Care Act (2010). It will cover 32 million uninsured Americans beginning in 2014 and mandates a suite of experimental measures to cut health care cost growth, the number one cause of America’s long-term fiscal problems(FYI I have benefited from this, before I couldn’t afford any health care and hadn’t gone to a doctor for over tens before this Act was passed). 

2. Passed the Stimulus: Signed $787 billion American Recovery and Reinvestment Act in 2009 to spur economic growth amid greatest recession since the Great Depression. Weeks after stimulus went into effect, unemployment claims began to subside. Twelve months later, the private sector began producing more jobs than it was losing, and it has continued to do so for twenty-three straight months, creating a total of nearly 3.7 million new private-sector jobs.

3. Passed Wall Street Reform: Signed the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act (2010) to re-regulate the financial sector after its practices caused the Great Recession. The new law tightens capital requirements on large banks and other financial institutions, requires derivatives to be sold on clearinghouses and exchanges, mandates that large banks provide “living wills” to avoid chaotic bankruptcies, limits their ability to trade with customers’ money for their own profit, and creates the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (now headed by Richard Cordray) to crack down on abusive lending products and companies.

4. Ended the War in Iraq: Ordered all U.S. military forces out of the country. Last troops left on December 18, 2011.

5. Began Drawdown of War in Afghanistan: From a peak of 101,000 troops in June 2011, U.S. forces are now down to 91,000, with 23,000 slated to leave by the end of summer 2012. According to Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, the combat mission there will be over by next year.

6. Eliminated Osama bin laden: In 2011, ordered special forces raid of secret compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, in which the terrorist leader was killed and a trove of al-Qaeda documents was discovered.

7. Turned Around U.S. Auto Industry: In 2009, injected $62 billion in federal money (on top of $13.4 billion in loans from the Bush administration) into ailing GM and Chrysler in return for equity stakes and agreements for massive restructuring. Since bottoming out in 2009, the auto industry has added more than 100,000 jobs. In 2011, the Big Three automakers all gained market share for the first time in two decades. The government expects to lose $16 billion of its investment, less if the price of the GM stock it still owns increases.

8. Recapitalized Banks: In the midst of financial crisis, approved controversial Treasury Department plan to lure private capital into the country’s largest banks via “stress tests” of their balance sheets and a public-private fund to buy their “toxic” assets. Got banks back on their feet at essentially zero cost to the government.

9. Repealed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”: Ended 1990s-era restriction and formalized new policy allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military for the first time.

10. Toppled Moammar Gaddafi: In March 2011, joined a coalition of European and Arab governments in military action, including air power and naval blockade, against Gaddafi regime to defend Libyan civilians and support rebel troops. Gaddafi’s forty-two-year rule ended when the dictator was overthrown and killed by rebels on October 20, 2011. No American lives were lost.

11. Told Mubarak to Go: On February 1, 2011, publicly called on Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak to accept reform or step down, thus weakening the dictator’s position and putting America on the right side of the Arab Spring. Mubarak ended thirty-year rule when overthrown on February 11.

12. Reversed Bush Torture Policies: Two days after taking office, nullified Bush-era rulings that had allowed detainees in U.S. custody to undergo certain “enhanced” interrogation techniques considered inhumane under the Geneva Conventions. Also released the secret Bush legal rulings supporting the use of these techniques.

13. Improved America’s Image Abroad: With new policies, diplomacy, and rhetoric, reversed a sharp decline in world opinion toward the U.S. (and the corresponding loss of “soft power”) during the Bush years. From 2008 to 2011, favorable opinion toward the United States rose in ten of fifteen countries surveyed by the Pew Global Attitudes Project, with an average increase of 26 percent.

14. Kicked Banks Out of Federal Student Loan Program, Expanded Pell Grant Spending: As part of the 2010 health care reform bill, signed measure ending the wasteful decades-old practice of subsidizing banks to provide college loans. Starting July 2010 all students began getting their federal student loans directly from the federal government. Treasury will save $67 billion over ten years, $36 billion of which will go to expanding Pell Grants to lower-income students.

15. Created Race to the Top: With funds from stimulus, started $4.35 billion program of competitive grants to encourage and reward states for education reform.

16. Boosted Fuel Efficiency Standards: Released new fuel efficiency standards in 2011 that will nearly double the fuel economy for cars and trucks by 2025.

17. Coordinated International Response to Financial Crisis: To keep world economy out of recession in 2009 and 2010, helped secure from G-20 nations more than $500 billion for the IMF to provide lines of credit and other support to emerging market countries, which kept them liquid and avoided crises with their currencies.

18. Passed Mini Stimuli: To help families hurt by the recession and spur the economy as stimulus spending declined, signed series of measures (July 22, 2010; December 17, 2010; December 23, 2011) to extend unemployment insurance and cut payroll taxes.

19. Began Asia “Pivot”: In 2011, reoriented American military and diplomatic priorities and focus from the Middle East and Europe to the Asian-Pacific region. Executed multipronged strategy of positively engaging China while reasserting U.S. leadership in the region by increasing American military presence and crafting new commercial, diplomatic, and military alliances with neighboring countries made uncomfortable by recent Chinese behavior.

20. Increased Support for Veterans: With so many soldiers coming home from Iraq and Iran with serious physical and mental health problems, yet facing long waits for services, increased 2010 Department of Veterans Affairs budget by 16 percent and 2011 budget by 10 percent. Also signed new GI bill offering $78 billion in tuition assistance over a decade, and provided multiple tax credits to encourage businesses to hire veterans.

21. Tightened Sanctions on Iran: In effort to deter Iran’s nuclear program, signed Comprehensive Iran Sanctions, Accountability, and Divestment Act (2010) to punish firms and individuals who aid Iran’s petroleum sector. In late 2011 and early 2012, coordinated with other major Western powers to impose sanctions aimed at Iran’s banks and with Japan, South Korea, and China to shift their oil purchases away from Iran.

22. Created Conditions to Begin Closing Dirtiest Power Plants: New EPA restrictions on mercury and toxic pollution, issued in December 2011, likely to lead to the closing of between sixty-eight and 231 of the nation’s oldest and dirtiest coal-fired power plants. Estimated cost to utilities: at least $11 billion by 2016. Estimated health benefits: $59 billion to $140 billion. Will also significantly reduce carbon emissions and, with other regulations, comprises what’s been called Obama’s “stealth climate policy.”

23. Passed Credit Card Reforms: Signed the Credit Card Accountability, Responsibility, and Disclosure Act (2009), which prohibits credit card companies from raising rates without advance notification, mandates a grace period on interest rate increases, and strictly limits overdraft and other fees.

24. Eliminated Catch-22 in Pay Equality Laws: Signed Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act in 2009, giving women who are paid less than men for the same work the right to sue their employers after they find out about the discrimination, even if that discrimination happened years ago. Under previous law, as interpreted by the Supreme Court in Ledbetter v. Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co., the statute of limitations on such suits ran out 180 days after the alleged discrimination occurred, even if the victims never knew about it.

25. Protected Two Liberal Seats on the U.S. Supreme Court: Nominated and obtained confirmation for Sonia Sotomayor, the first Hispanic and third woman to serve, in 2009; and Elena Kagan, the fourth woman to serve, in 2010. They replaced David Souter and John Paul Stevens, respectively(this one made me so happy to see more diversity on these seats, almost like the feeling that can be me). 

26. Improved Food Safety System: In 2011, signed FDA Food Safety Modernization Act, which boosts the Food and Drug Administration’s budget by $1.4 billion and expands its regulatory responsibilities to include increasing number of food inspections, issuing direct food recalls, and reviewing the current food safety practices of countries importing products into America.

27. Achieved New START Treaty: Signed with Russia (2010) and won ratification in Congress (2011) of treaty that limits each country to 1,550 strategic warheads (down from 2,200) and 700 launchers (down from more than 1,400), and reestablished and strengthened a monitoring and transparency program that had lapsed in 2009, through which each country can monitor the other.

28. Expanded National Service: Signed Serve America Act in 2009, which authorized a tripling of the size of AmeriCorps. Program grew 13 percent to 85,000 members across the country by 2012, when new House GOP majority refused to appropriate more funds for further expansion.

29. Expanded Wilderness and Watershed Protection: Signed Omnibus Public Lands Management Act (2009), which designated more than 2 million acres as wilderness, created thousands of miles of recreational and historic trails, and protected more than 1,000 miles of rivers.

30. Gave the FDA Power to Regulate Tobacco: Signed the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act (2009). Nine years in the making and long resisted by the tobacco industry, the law mandates that tobacco manufacturers disclose all ingredients, obtain FDA approval for new tobacco products, and expand the size and prominence of cigarette warning labels, and bans the sale of misleadingly labeled “light” cigarette brands and tobacco sponsorship of entertainment events.

31. Pushed Federal Agencies to Be Green Leaders: Issued executive order in 2009 requiring all federal agencies to make plans to soften their environmental impacts by 2020. Goals include 30 percent reduction in fleet gasoline use, 26 percent boost in water efficiency, and sustainability requirements for 95 percent of all federal contracts. Because federal government is the country’s single biggest purchaser of goods and services, likely to have ripple effects throughout the economy for years to come.

32. Passed Fair Sentencing Act: Signed 2010 legislation that reduces sentencing disparity between crack versus powder cocaine possessionfrom100 to1 to 18 to1.

33. Trimmed and Reoriented Missile Defense: Cut the Reagan-era “Star Wars” missile defense budget, saving $1.4 billion in 2010, and canceled plans to station antiballistic missile systems in Poland and the Czech Republic in favor of sea-based defense plan focused on Iran and North Korea.

34. Began Post-Post-9/11 Military Builddown: After winning agreement from congressional Republicans and Democrats in summer 2011 budget deal to reduce projected defense spending by $450 billion, proposed new DoD budget this year with cuts of that size and a new national defense strategy that would shrink ground forces from 570,000 to 490,000 over the next ten years while increasing programs in intelligence gathering and cyberwarfare.

35. Let Space Shuttle Die and Killed Planned Moon Mission: Allowed the expensive ($1 billion per launch), badly designed, dangerous shuttle program to make its final launch on July 8, 2011. Cut off funding for even more bloated and problem-plagued Bush-era Constellation program to build moon base in favor of support for private-sector low-earth orbit ventures, research on new rocket technologies for long-distance manned flight missions, and unmanned space exploration, including the largest interplanetary rover ever launched, which will investigate Mars’s potential to support life.

36. Invested Heavily in Renewable Technology: As part of the 2009 stimulus, invested $90 billion, more than any previous administration, in research on smart grids, energy efficiency, electric cars, renewable electricity generation, cleaner coal, and biofuels.

37. Crafting Next-Generation School Tests: Devoted $330 million in stimulus money to pay two consortia of states and universities to create competing versions of new K-12 student performance tests based on latest psychometric research. New tests could transform the learning environment in vast majority of public school classrooms beginning in 2014.

38. Cracked Down on Bad For-Profit Colleges: In effort to fight predatory practices of some for-profit colleges, Department of Education issued “gainful employment” regulations in 2011 cutting off commercially focused schools from federal student aid funding if more than 35 percent of former students aren’t paying off their loans and/or if the average former student spends more than 12 percent of his or her total earnings servicing student loans.

39. Improved School Nutrition: In coordination with Michelle Obama, signed Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act in 2010 mandating $4.5 billion spending boost and higher nutritional and health standards for school lunches. New rules based on the law, released in January, double the amount of fruits and vegetables and require only whole grains in food served to students.

40. Expanded Hate Crimes Protections: Signed Hate Crimes Prevention Act (2009), which expands existing hate crime protections to include crimes based on a victim’s sexual orientation, gender, or disability, in addition to race, color, religion, or national origin.

41. Avoided Scandal: As of November 2011, served longer than any president in decades without a scandal, as measured by the appearance of the word “scandal” (or lack thereof) on the front page of the Washington Post.

42. Brokered Agreement for Speedy Compensation to Victims of Gulf Oil Spill: Though lacking statutory power to compel British Petroleum to act, used moral authority of his office to convince oil company to agree in 2010 to a $20 billion fund to compensate victims of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico; $6.5 billion already paid out without lawsuits. By comparison, it took nearly two decades for plaintiffs in the Exxon Valdez Alaska oil spill case to receive $1.3 billion.

43. Created Recovery.gov: Web site run by independent board of inspectors general looking for fraud and abuse in stimulus spending, provides public with detailed information on every contract funded by $787 billion American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. Thanks partly to this transparency, board has uncovered very little fraud, and Web site has become national model: “The stimulus has done more to promote transparency at almost all levels of government than any piece of legislation in recent memory,” reports Governing magazine.

44. Pushed Broadband Coverage: Proposed and obtained in 2011 Federal Communications Commission approval for a shift of $8 billion in subsidies away from landlines and toward broadband Internet for lower-income rural families.

45. Expanded Health Coverage for Children: Signed 2009 Children’s Health Insurance Authorization Act, which allows the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) to cover health care for 4 million more children, paid for by a tax increase on tobacco products.

46. Recognized the Dangers of Carbon Dioxide: In 2009, EPA declared carbon dioxide a pollutant, allowing the agency to regulate its production.

47. Expanded Stem Cell Research: In 2009, eliminated the Bush-era restrictions on embryonic stem cell research, which shows promise in treating spinal injuries, among many other areas.

48. Provided Payment to Wronged Minority Farmers: In 2009, signed Claims Resolution Act, which provided $4.6 billion in funding for a legal settlement with black and Native American farmers who the government cheated out of loans and natural resource royalties in years past.

49. Helped South Sudan Declare Independence: Helped South Sudan Declare Independence: Appointed two envoys to Sudan and personally attended a special UN meeting on the area. Through U.S. ambassador to the United Nations Ambassador Susan Rice, helped negotiate a peaceful split in 2011.

50. Killed the F-22: In 2009, ended further purchases of Lockheed Martin single-seat, twin-engine, fighter aircraft, which cost $358 million apiece. Though the military had 187 built, the plane has never flown a single combat mission. Eliminating it saved $4 billion... Just to name a few.. 

Come present day, time has come and my president, correction I mean our president after eight glorious years we must say goodbye. Watching his farewell speech last week was super hard, yes I cried like a baby, just like I cried when he was first elected and he addressed us our nation for the first time as our president. I have learned a lot from Mr. President, I learned kindness, I learned to be hopeful and patient. I also learned from our First Lady that I should never let anyone get in my way from becoming something. I can actually go for days on how great Mrs. Obama is, but I don’t think I have all night to right this. 

I am going to miss the First Family, the kindness, love, compassion, pose, grace and spirit they shared with our nation. One thing I will take from the Obamas is never losing HOPE, to always voice my concerns and make something happen. 

Farewell my president and Thank You for a wonderful eight years and being one of the greatest presidents in history. 

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

Lane Kim

Hearing about the announcement of the the revival of Gilmore Girls I went into to complete excitement mode, I was unbelievably happy to see my favorite characters back on the screen. What I was most excited about was to see what happening to Lane Kim, my favorite underrated character on this amazing show. 

If you don’t already know, Gilmore Girls is a story of a mother and daughter relationship, Lorelai a single mother, and her daughter Rory. We watch this duo deal with all the relationships in their life while trying to reach their goals. Oh and there’s some really cool witty comedy too. 

Aside from the Gilmore Girls being such amazing characters and very relatable and not holding back on struggles of being a single mom and dealing with terrible relationships and just trying to make it.

One thing I took away from it all was Rory’s best friend Lane Kim. 

She was this spunky, funny, smart, timid kid that was being raised by her overbearing, overly strict Christian mother Mrs. Kim. Mrs. Kim never allowed Lane to do or have pretty much anything. I mean Lane’s only way of having a boyfriend was if he was Korean and was super Christian and he had to be approved of by none other than Mrs. Kim herself. Kim wasn’t allowed to go out unless it had to do with school or something religious. 

I related to Lane Kim the most because of all characters I’ve seen on prime time TV, Kim was just like me. I was raised in a world where if they weren’t Arab or Muslim, then it wasn’t safe so therefore it was a sin. 

I too dealt with parents that had to approve of clothing, hair, makeup, food, studies, religion, everything. I had a strict curfew, wasn’t allowed to date (God forbid it in my religion, so boys were a no zone), wasn’t allowed to watch TV unless it was approved by both parents, I had to get straight A’s, you name it I dealt with it. 

The only difference I saw in Kim than myself was Kim found secret ways to be herself without going insane, she even Rory to help her. Watching Kim have her music hidden in the floor boards was pure genius and made me think why didn’t I think of that. She had her hideaway in her closet to just let go, I wish I would have thought of that too. But one thing that surprised me the most is even though she dealt with all of that she really believed it was going to get better. This process made me start thinking it was going to get better too. 

Some would say it’s deceiving to find ways to lie to your folks about where you are or what your doing and who you’re doing it with? I would say come live in my shoes for one day and may think otherwise. I mean I never did anything illegal, I just wanted to be a young teenage girl, I wanted to experience young teenage girl stuff. 

Amy Sherman-Palladino made so happy that she created a character like Lane Kim that I could finally say, “hey I get it!” 

My favorite episode that involved Lane, was when she snuck out to go play drums in her bands show. I was so proud of her character because for the first time she really did put herself first for something she loved and was passionate about. Sadly the outcome was a search party situation started to look for her because Mrs. KIm being Mrs. Kim in her own fashion, thought the worst. Oh and Lane was then basically kicked out of her house. 

My only wish though was that Lane Kim got more screen time and more of a dialogue than what was given to her, because she was a lot of girls you barely heard about in high school because they were too afraid to speak up. 

All in all was I pleased to see Lane Kim where she was at 10 years later, no not really, but did it shock me she was still married and raising her twin boys in Stars Hollow, to answer your question, it’s no. Sure I would have liked in the original series if she didn’t get married or even pregnant, but that she pursued her dream of drumming and making it big in the music business or even attempting to making it. I do believe it was a bummer to have seen her get pregnant that quick. But still she was a trooper and dealt with it and embraced it. 

I hope when others rewatch or watch for the first time, seek out the character Lane Kim, because she is the true star in Stars Hollow, well right next to her best friend Rory. 

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

Away I go

Making the decision wasn’t hard, just getting ready for the decision I made was hard. My only wish that it doesn’t take so much out of me to get where I need to get, which is where I need to be... Home! 

I’ve never been so sad and angry the way I have been in this past year. I hated everything about being away from the people I love and the people that support me. I’ve also never felt so out of place than I when I was in my dad’s home and or with his family. 

The sadness and frustration took so much out of me that at times I thought I was going to go insane. 

Allowing the people around me make me feel smaller than I already did caused so much more pain in my heart; that I never thought I could come out in public again. There poor chose of words and support or lack of support brought fear upon my existence and unforeseen thoughts that I deserved nothing in this world. 

It’s worse I let them get to me so much that my mind went to believing I didn’t belong anywhere. 

But fortunately I did have people on my side that showed me the love and support I need to get better. So the decision was right there in front of me. They weren’t here for me I wasn’t here for them, I’m here to make some changes and go home. 

So away I go.

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

What’s the limit?

One should never count on anyone to help them out; one should always rely on themselves and themselves only, because it really is a dog eat dog world. 

It’s even harder to figure out where you stand with the people you’re surrounded by, because they give you that indication that your not actually friends, cordial maybe, but not friends. It’s the worst when you live in a town where you are completely alone and have no friends or family with you to help you deal with your depression and anxiety. 

I’ve never felt so alone than I have in the past month. I really can’t stop the uncontrollable tear session that I’ve had in my room. I don’t know how to make them stop? I don’t even know who to call when it’s happening, because everyone I know is off enjoying their life. I actually have no idea where I stand with my friends anymore. That’s the part that makes me cry more. 

I’ve been thinking about more and more each day how if I did end up in the hospital or need to go to one, there’s not a single person I would call to help get me there or be there for me to hold my hand to tell me everything is going to be ok. I’m afraid I’m going to die alone. 

I keep reevaluating my life and listing off people in my head who could possibly be there for me when I need it most and there’s no one. The answer I know I would get would be “Hey sorry I wish I could, but...” Then I start thinking did I do the right thing by leaving my family and not attempting to work it out and making them here me out. 

Aside from my therapy sessions with Michelle I don’t think I have ever been really heard. I can’t even find someone to take the time to spend time with me and just listen to me without having to do them a favor or be afraid they’re either; a: take it the wrong way or b: tell someone else and betray my trust and make it worse for me. 

I went to work today trying so hard not letting anyone bring me to that point of thinking how much more can I take? What’s my limit before I break for real this time? 

More and more do I feel like I’m losing myself to the people that make me feel worse. And I don’t have the slightest clue how to stop! I’m actually starting to scare myself, because I really don't want to be me anymore! I can’t even be certain that Michelle can help me. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore and believe I’m going to be ok or be ok with myself. I hate me, I hate my life, I hate who I’ve become! 

I’m stuck in the state of seriously what is my limit before I officially break for good? 

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

It’s not me, it’s you!

The past few weeks slash few months have been a crucially painful days for me; I’ve been almost evicted, my phone has been suspended, I have yet to pay my electric bill and I can’t seem to stop staring myself in the mirror and hating what I see. It’s even harder to try to stop crying uncontrollably in the corner of my room or under my sheets. 

I think the worst of it all is not being able to have the trust within myself than I’m going to make it out on top, because it’s been so long since I’ve seen things go in the direction that could put me at ease. My restless nights and sore muscles and aching feet don’t help from wanting to interact with the public. 

On top of it all I have to put up with people that have only known me less than a year and assume things about me or my intentions. I only have a few words to  those people,”You can go fuck yourselves!” 

Every single day I have to deal with people who assume the worst things and think to question me without even asking me to confirm what they are thinking is true about me. Then on top of it hurting me and making themselves the victim just so they could feel better about themselves. Newsflash not everything I say is about you fucking fuckers! 

Why I bring this up? Because I am person that does deserve the respect you would give to your mother, father, brother, sister, significant other or whomever is close to in life, yes I deserve that same respect. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t revealed to these people that I have gone thru hell and back. 

My up bringing is made me the person I am today; super sensitive, emotional, guarded, quiet, shy, sarcastic, trust issues, timid human that can barely put into words what I’m feeling to another human because I’m crazy scared of rejection. 

And you psychotic no heart cold selfish people have the nerve to put a scared human in an uncomfortable situation every single chance that you see me. You can see it in my eyes that I’ve seen and dealt with so much pain in my life and continue to deal with pain. 

If I have to reiterate to you that I don’t have to reveal my past to you, I don’t owe you that. In fact I owe you nothing but the mutual respect I continuously give you every day of my life because that’s what I want for me in return. 

For whatever reason you choose to think that every situation is about you, then you are severely mistaken you over baring narcissistic losers! You have no idea the hardship someone like goes through every waking moment. Not only do I have to battle myself but I battle the people you and others who have harmed me in ways I’m not even sure how I’m going to ever forgive and let go. You don’t see the emotional struggles I continuously have with myself because of the hurt I’ve endured in the past and continue endure. There are so many people like me that have endured the kind of pain I have and it’s hard for people like us to even fathom of trusting another person ever again because the hurt was so painful, especially when it came from people that are closest to us. 

So the next time you see me and you try to pull the same shit you’ve been pulling just know that I’ve now discovered your insecurity of being afraid that the attention you so desire is yours, I don’t need the attention because one thing I am of myself is my selfless. I prefer to put others before me at this moment in my life while I work on myself. I don’t need to be validated like you that everything and every topic is about you. I prefer also to be the person in the corner left alone, unless my best friends are around because unlike you we share in beautiful thoughtful conversations and have beautiful harmonious mutual respect that you lack. I don’t need you  and I don’t need your shit! So if your thinking it’s me no my dear idiots it’s you! 

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

Dolphin 🐬 "join me @foap " #zjosephine #foap #photooftheday #CLE #coffee #33 #216 #AllinCLE #Allin216 #CLE #cleveland #ohio

#216 #coffee #33 #cle #allincle #foap #cleveland #ohio #allin216 #zjosephine #photooftheday

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

💕 "join me on @foap" #zjosephine #foap #photooftheday #queenzeebee33 #33 #216 #ohio #cleveland #AllinCLE Allin216 #queenbee #216 #33 #coffee #CLE

#216 #coffee #33 #cle #zjosephine #allincle #foap #cleveland #ohio #queenbee #queenzeebee33 #photooftheday

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

To the moon and back with a bone "Join me on @foap" #photooftheday #foap #zjosephine #queenbee #Allin216 #AllinCLE #wednesdayaddams #cleveland #ohio #216 #33 #queenzeebee33

#216 #wednesdayaddams #33 #queenzeebee33 #allincle #foap #cleveland #ohio #queenbee #allin216 #zjosephine #photooftheday

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

Homemade pizza by yours truly 🍕🍽😋 #queenbee #Allin216 #AllinCLE #wednesdayaddams #cleveland #ohio #believeland #pizza #yummydinner

#wednesdayaddams #believeland #allincle #yummydinner #cleveland #ohio #queenbee #allin216 #pizza

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

There’s a little of Elliot in everyone

“Please telling me you’re seeing this too...” “I play a young man who is like us profoundly alienated; the unfortunate thing is, I’m not sure so many of us would want to hangout with a guy like Elliot, but I want to honor the Elliots’ right because there is a little bit of Elliot in all of us isn’t there?”- Rami Malek 

Malek was referencing his character he plays in “Mr. Robot”, one of the closets character to myself included. I’m profoundly alienated in a town where I too like Elliot can’t stop crying in the corner of my apartment because I’m so alone. 

I can’t seem to shake that I’m in a city where I can’t seem to find someone to help me recover from my depression. Sure I have my therapist, but I only see once a week. I thought I would have been able to find a friend to help me when I needed them most. But with the unfortunate they all here can recognize I’m not from here and choose to alienate me. They choose to make me feel like I’m not welcome in their town. 

Having that recognition that I shouldn’t be here or that I’m not welcome is adding to the depression and keeping me from recovering. Most days I start to  think maybe it’s a way of the universe telling me that I shouldn’t be around anymore. I mean I really have nothing to live for. I have no family anymore, I don’t have friends, I don’t have boyfriend or husband and I don’t have kids. 

Really truly what’s the point of continuing to live? 

Sure every once in a while if I call my friends myself they assure me that they haven’t forgotten about me, it’s just that life gets in the way. But where my mind goes is, why haven’t I been part of your life where you think to contact me as though I’m part of your routine of I don’t know calling your mom or boyfriend or girlfriend or sibling? 

At this point in my life I have absolutely no idea where I stand with anyone in my life and that scares me on a daily basis. It all just comes down to, I want to feel loved. 

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

Broken heart

Liars, they are all liars. I can’t believe I fell for it again. I can’t believe I did it again, believing someone when they say they like me more than friends. I must be a really stupid girl. I need to really need to reassess how or who I think are in to me. 

Having my heart broken more than once is starting to be one of those situations where it’s shame on him for the first time and shame on me for the second time because I should have known better the first time. But then I think why is it my fault why do I go home at night and think, what I did wrong? 

He should feel ashamed for hurting someone so badly. I continuously open my heart and give up my past because they tell me they really want to know, but then they betray my heart, I’m the one left crying. 

I’m not sure how much longer I can be the one on the floor crying for being so stupid. I’m the one crying myself to sleep thinking I wish I was more appealing. 

You would think by now I learned from my mistakes but I haven’t. I also wish I wasn’t so sensitive to this boy/girl interaction. 

I wish I was able to have a mother to instill in me the confidence I wish I had. I wish I was taught self worth. At this point in my life I don’t have any. 

I also don’t like when someone tells me who cares if it didn’t work out, you’re a catch! I don’t want to hear that anymore. I don’t want to hear anymore it’s not you, it’s him. No more of that, I want the truth from him and my friends. If I knew it wasn’t my fault I wouldn’t be over in the corner of my bedroom crying thinking what did I do wrong? 

Every day I want to wake up believing I’m beautiful, smart and sexy, but I don’t. I feel the exact opposite. 

Every day I feel sad and hoped I had a partner. A partner that laid next to me every night and every morning telling me I’m beautiful with or without makeup. I want that intimacy and the closeness with one another. I want to learn someone else’s hobbies and they learn mine and the one’s we share. I want to be able to have those open conversations, whether it’s in person or over the phone. 

I start to think is this even possible for me, will I ever find him, will I find the one? 

Does the one even exist for me? Am I deserving of the one? 

“When you're dreaming with a broken heart, The waking up is the hardest part You roll out of bed and down on your knees And for a moment you can hardly breathe” 

“I know I can't take one more step towards you 'Cause all that's waiting is regret Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore You lost the love I loved the most I learned to live half alive And now you want me one more time And who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul So don't come back for me Who do you think you are?”

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

Part 1

(Water running, the steam from the hot water is fogging up the mirror and the entire bathroom.) 

It’s happening, it’s finally happening. I no longer have to deal with the bullshit I call my life.

This tunnel is kind of cold, I didn’t think I was going to feel hot or cold, I also didn’t think I would be able to feel this water beneath my feet. 

Why is the light so far away, I feel like I’ve been walking forever, when do I get to see my grandma already. I really want to meet my grandpa, I wonder if he’ll like me. I wonder if he knows I was born. Oh my gosh I’m so nervous, I’ve always wanted to meet him, I’ve also always wanted to know what he sounds like. 

Wait where am I going? Why am I in my sister’s room, I thought I was heading towards the light? No, why is she crying? She knows my life sucked and I didn’t want to be here anymore. She knew this was for the best. 

Dammit I can’t leave her if she’s crying. I don’t want her to feel alone, but I don’t want to feel like I’m in hell everyday. I’m so confused, what do I do?

I love my sister so much, I can’t bare to see her cry anymore.

I came up for air and I couldn’t catch my breath on time enough to realize my annoying sister Eron viciously knocking on the bathroom door. I was coughing so hard I thought I was going to cough up a lung or something. I finally yell back that I’m taking a bath not a shower and for to go to another bathroom, because I was going to be a while. 

I couldn’t stop shivering, and I didn’t know if it was because i was so close to my death or because I was in the bath for too long that the water got cold, or being ashamed for wanting to kill myself because I think that’s the only way out. I’m just going to sit here for a little bit longer and turn the hot water way up, maybe I can warm up. I couldn’t seem to sit still either I just couldn’t stop rocking back and forth, I’m starting to scare myself. I can’t stop looking at the razor and just cut myself just enough to end up in the hospital, that way I can be away from home for at least a day or two. 

Jesus Christ the only thing that’s stopping me from picking up that razor and going thru with it is, I’m not 100% sure I won’t go deep enough. 

It’s even worse that I don’t think anyone would care, except Renee. My friends wouldn’t even know I was gone. I barely hear from them unless I call them to hangout. 

I wish I had a friend that I called everyday or they called me and us both finding it strange if we didn’t talk for a day, but not my friends, they can go days without responding to me. I have yet to feel like I matter to someone. 

It’s not their fault entirely, I mean I haven’t exactly told them. I mean I’m afraid to tell them, because if I do I’m afraid to lose their friendship and I can’t afford losing someone’s love. As of right now they’re the only ones that show me some love. 

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

Why I didn’t do it?

For years and years I internally battled depression and because of my depression I developed anxiety. I was always too afraid to tell my dad that I was always sad and scared and anxious because I knew what’d he say; he’d tell me I’m just being a teenager or that it doesn’t exist. That it’s all in my head. Like I was some crazy dramatic girl. 

One part of not telling him that I wasn’t happy with who I was or where I lived or just I hated my existence was because he in fact he scared me to no end. My dad didn’t make it easy on me. 

I was the eldest of six kids and the result spawn of his first marriage. Majority of the time I felt resented because I came from my mother and not my stepmother. He was always so hard on me, put so much pressure on me to be the perfect daughter. I didn’t know how to do that when all I ever knew was fear and because of it I would screw up tremendously because I got too anxious and didn’t do anything perfect. I wasn’t pretty the way he wanted me to be pretty; I didn’t have the perfect straight hair or the perfect big almond eyes, the perfect body type, skinny and no meat on the body. Instead I had wavy curly hair, brown eyes, and a little chub.I ate my feelings away because when he got angry with me, he’d yell at me like I wasn’t his daughter and curse at me like I was a random hooker on the street; when he’d do it I wouldn’t eat for hours and wait till he went to bed because I was afraid to be near him and get hit again if he saw me and I’d eat really late at night and that’s where all the weight gain showed up. That’s where my development of hating myself was starting to happen. I still kind of hate myself. I mean I would gain then lose then gain then lose over and over again and now my body just keeps gaining. 

The worst of it all was the hitting, I thought I’d get used to it, but I never did. I used to wonder if he was attempting to kill me or he was hinting to me to kill myself because I was called worthless too often, that I started to believe I was indeed worthless.  Well one day I started to hurt myself, like I would take the needles from my aunt’s sewing kit and poke myself till I saw a little blood and then I’d scratch myself and endure the pain, because the scratches would eventually go away and they didn’t turn into scars if I used a razor blade. While I was doing it I would imagine actually cutting myself deeper and then bleeding out, then I wouldn’t have to live to see my dad again. I mean it’s not like he made me feel like I was wanted anyway. When he remarried he stopped calling me my daughter and give me the hugs and kisses he used too. He completely stopped letting me sit in his lap and have our moments together. Those days were numbered the second my stepmom had my sister. 

I no longer existed to my dad anymore. All I ever had was my sister from the first marriage. She is my everything and she is my only love. She is my best friend and the only one that loves me back. At least I hope she still loves me, I mean after I left she doesn’t try to contact me she doesn’t even try secretly. It makes me wonder if she’s angry with me. It sucks because she was the only one that would show up in my room and comfort me and tell me I wasn’t a bad person. Or pretty much anything mean our dad ever said to me. 

One night my dad really got to me, he really made me feel worthless like I was a piece of shit; it got so bad that when I took a bath to wash away the pain I started to think about submerging myself underneath and then I started to actually submerge myself and then the next thing I knew I was completely underneath and I didn’t want to come back up; ever. While it was happening I got an image of my sister crying in her room for me because she didn’t have me anymore; I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t let her be alone. What kind of person would I be if I left my little sister to the disfunction of our family. She didn’t deserve that. 

I stayed alive for her and so you could say she saved my life, I didn’t save my life she did. I sadly also was pissed off for a really long time that I was alive. My dad’s abuse started to get worse especially when my stepmom encouraged him because she secretly hated my guts, which was fine because I hated her too. 

There wasn’t much of a day that went by that I didn’t cry at night because I hated my life. There also wasn’t much of days where I wasn’t getting abused either. No one made it easier for me, I barely had a place for release. I didn’t really have a friend a confidant that I could entirely tell someone I was troubled. My trust issues were bad, they still are to this day. I still kind of rely only on myself because every time I thought I had someone in my corner that really wasn’t the case. 

My dad always made me feel like there wasn’t anyone that could save me or help me, that family was the only thing anyone ever had, yet I didn’t even trust my own family. Anytime I showed or expressed what I was truly feeling, it would be quickly thrown in my face. I was so sick of being scared and mum. I just  wanted to feel normal for one day. 

While I was getting older, my dad showed concern in way that was harmful to my mental state that I was becoming an unfit wife. This was all because I was in my twenties and I wasn’t pretty, skinny and well dressed like he pictured me. He made me feel like an ugly monster. I still can’t believe anyone if they tell me I’m pretty, because in my head if my dad doesn’t believe I’m pretty then I’m obviously not. 

If I would finally get asked for my hand in marriage and I didn’t like the guy because he didn’t seem appealing to me, he would tell me I was crazy and stupid because I wasn’t going to get a good looking smart guy anyway because I didn’t exactly show or try to be appealing anyway and why would a guy like I wanted would want me. In words I was destined to have a fat, short, ugly, uneducated man, because I deserved that, because I was a monster myself. 

Sure there were days where he did give me a break and kind of made me feel special, but that quickly would die away because if it wasn’t him that was ruining my day, it was my stepmom or my sister; the evil one. She was even quoted saying it made her happy if she made me upset. 

Every single night I prayed and wished and hoped that I would have the bravery to just leave and move on with my life and live for myself. That quickly would diminish because there was no one and no where I could go, plus the fear my father had instilled in me. I have come close a few times to doing it, when I turned 18-19 but then I thought of what if I got caught, the things my dad would do to me, actually I really believe he would have murdered me and not giving me a chance. The third daughter however would have been spared because she was technically the first daughter from the second marriage and the favorite and my stepmom would and has protected her to no end. 

When I turned to 27 my dad coerced me to say to marriage to a man that repulsed me. He also had no fucking personality, but that was besides the point he wasn’t someone I was compatible with at all. It even upset me more was because for the first time in my life there were a few men not from my religion and culture that pursued me and one in particular actually made me feel loved. It wasn’t something I was used too. It made me more angry because I could never be with him unless I left. But because I didn’t get the opportunity to have the conversation with this special guy, if he was serious about us or just in general me, that he didn’t want to go out with me anymore. Mind you all that had to be done in secret which I believe is what killed our relationship or at least I thought it was, I mean he never let me have that conversation with him. 

But when my dad made me marry the idiot he presumed was perfect for me, when really he wanted me to marry him because the guy had money. I just was so scared and so depressed that every single day I dreamt of killing myself, it started to become almost an obsession in my head. Like I actually started to plan it if I really did have to go thru with marriage. But when all the scheming on my dad’s end happened I tried getting out of it and it made things worse for me that I kind of snapped and just left, but was coerced again to come back, then tricked again. So I ended married to man I absolutely hated! 

Every day after I got married I thought of ways to get out of the marriage, but again the fear my dad had in me was too great to even risk. One night while I was showering I did it again, I filled the tub and started to submerge myself, and thought this is the best way to get out of it. This is the best way to get away from the guy they called my husband and this was the way I was getting away from my dad forever. 

When I was completely under the water and I was choking on the water, again another vision of someone I loved came to me, this time it was my best friend Molly, I thought of how no one would have told her I died and no one would have let her come to my funeral and say goodbye. I really didn’t want to do that to her.  I also immediately thought of my sister again. I didn’t want to do it to her either. I didn’t want her to bury me. It was also a sadistic way of going. Again I didn’t want to give my dad and my stepmom that satisfaction even if they didn’t want me to die. To me it was like they would have won. And in my world they weren’t allowed to be the winners. 

To me there is only one winner in my life and the choices I make... that’s me. 

I finally decided to call around for help and just leave and to live for me and I did. I still am. I”m struggling but I’m still alive and I’m still fighting... and that’s all that counts for me right now. 

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

Sweet girl,

I know how you feel, I know that you’re going through an incredibly challenging time in your life. I also hear you on how you feel this emptiness that you can’t fill. But I want you to know, you’re not alone. In fact you’re a warrior that survived one battle and you’re going to survive just a few more grueling battles and I will be there right with you. 

I know exactly what you’re doing right now, you’ve confined yourself in your apartment and don’t plan on leaving because you want to avoid the world. You want no interaction because you fear rejection and unkindness. 

I understand you when you feel like everyone that you’ve befriended over the years have forgotten you and all you want is that text or call just to hear their voice and be reminded that your still loved and cherished. You someone anyone to love you and want to spend time with you and make you feel wanted. It’s not easy finding someone, believe me I relate. 

I think one of the hardest things is to find someone that you can trust as well. And someone to take care of you the way you’ve urned for, for years. You’re tired and exhausted and at any moments notice you can cry because you feel pathetic. 

This last few years have been an upmost whirlwind of hell and trauma that you can’t seem or feel like you can keep it together. You’re definitely not the same person you were a year ago. I know it pains you that you’ve been taken out of your comfort zone and put into a whole new environment. You had no choice but to put yourself in a situation where you had to readjust and start over. You had to learn so many new things that were overwhelming. But on the bright side yes you have scars, yes you have a broken heart, yes you have been a little bit more sensitive than usual, but you’ve gained so much more. You’re smarter, you’re safer, you’re stronger, your a surviver. 

You are wise beyond your years and most people can’t do what you did. Most people don’t open their heart or open up enough to let others in. You used to be one of those people you didn’t let anyone in and you’re now doing so and that’s a good thing. Sure being heart broken hurts but sometimes it’s just something we all go through. I know you hate hearing that repeated to you, as well as people being defensive with you because of you being on the defense. I know you know that they don’t know that pretty much all of your life you had to be defensive and yes I do know you could figure that out by just talking to you that you’re that way for a reason. I need you to really know that I do know that you’re trying so hard to change and I do know that it’s super hard and it’s going to be hard for people to understand because they just don’t know the extent of pain and suffering you’ve been through. 

You should be happy with yourself that you have changed for the better. You entered a whole new way of life that is super uncomfortable because you are surrounded by a whole new group of people that don’t make you comfortable. They don’t come from the same breed of kindness your used too. But it’s ok because you now know that you’re a lot better than that and you don’t need to stoop down to their level. It’s been of a challenge to function because you don’t have any guidance that you normally would have gotten and it’s been scary to ask for help because you don’t have the same kind of trust or comfort from the new people around you. Nor have they given you reason to trust them. You thought you were entering this new life with no more fresh scars, but in actuality you’re getting more scars. It’s starting to be hard to look at yourself in the mirror because you want it all to stop but it’s not going too any time soon. Just any FYI you’re going to cry way more than you did when you were in your torment. I’m so sorry that you have to go through that, I’m also sorry that you feel like you’ve been forgotten it’s when you’re away from the people who give you the most comfort. Just know it won’t be much longer, because pretty soon you’ll find out more about some adventures you’re trying to make happen. I wish I could make the things you want most to happen now, but with unfortunate circumstances I can’t and unfortunately this damn world doesn’t work that way.

I know I said this before, but you’re going to experience heartbreak a few times too many by people that you thought wouldn’t do it, but sadly they did. I know the first time you had your heart broken it was done by the one person you thought would never hurt you but he didn’t know better nor does he care because he was number one in his eyes. The person you thought was your true love he’s not, but it’s ok because at least you know you can love someone because do you remember when didn’t think it was possible that you could. You thought you were incapable because you had no idea what it felt like and now you do. Sometimes you’re going to think of him from time to time because he made you feel loved and happy and he made smile and laugh which was a rarity, like I said it’s good that it happened but all good things sometimes must come to an end. You’re also going to meet some people that just like to play games and yes again it’s going to hurt because to you, your feelings are a lot more sensitive but you live and you learn. You’ve been vulnerable and betrayed, you’ve seen too much grief and your broken spirit and all of this is starting to affect your sanity and made to enter your closet and scream your lungs out in a pillow so go right ahead. You’re still crying in your therapists office and alone on your bedroom floor. You’re also starting to cry in the shower and your sleep. You’re therapist has been your savior and kept you sane every damn week. Believe me when I say she’s doing the best she can to make you feel better when you don’t feel like life is heading in the right direction. 

You should praise yourself for overcoming the shit you dealt with, fuck you were being hurt almost every day of your life and you finally told yourself “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” You’re finally done with all the bullshit and now know you’re worth something and know you could be worth it to the right person that deserves you because believe it or not you’re a catch and there is someone out there for you, you just need to keep looking. You’re done being called a failure because you’re not. Don’t worry about going to battle every day and proving yourself because you don’t need to do that anymore. No more anger or frustration towards you is an option for you anymore, because you don’t need that shit and it feels so damn good to know that you’re not walking on eggshells when you wake up every day. Don’t doubt yourself that you’re a smart girl because honey you are so damn smart. Screw every single person in that house that thought you were dumb because you’re not dumb. This is a victory for you.

Be proud of yourself for being honest with yourself and realizing your worth and finally doing something about it. When you were back home, it was almost like a sin to ask for help and now you can and don’t be embarrassed to ask for it, I know for you it’s going to be like pulling teeth to ask for the help but I swear it’s ok, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Fuck every single time your parents made you feel like a complete asshole for not being able to do things on your own or needing their help because they were supposed to be there for you that’s their job but to them it wasn’t. They were cowards because they continued to use the excuse you’re the oldest you should know this. NO! Life doesn’t work that way everyone needs guidance from time to time. I’m sorry you went thru hell enduring that, I’m also sorry that you’re going to be afraid of asking for help and just afraid of life and afraid to live because they put so much pressure and pain in your heart and life. That’s not what family is about. 

I want you to be aware that being yourself is ok. Like you’re a kickass chick, your smart, your funny, your so damn kind, your sweet like cotton candy, your sarcasm is fucking hilarious, and there is no one like you. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you need to change. Now that your no longer in that hell hole you don’t need to to hide who you are. You also don’t need to hide your beliefs, because every thing you believe in does matter and your opinions are appreciated and don’t let the assholes that are around you tell you otherwise. Sometimes those idiots need to be told the truth. There are going to be times when people are going to be annoying and rude and plain stupid and tell you that oh your attitude sucks and your icy! FUCK THEM! Because you know what that can’t stand that they know your not like anyone else and they suck! Don’t be surprised if they might actually be jealous and they don’t like to admit that they are wrong or they suck, they want to reflect it on you, FUCK THEM! It sucks that it took about 25 years for someone to tell you that your awesome! I know it’s a rarity for you to hear because the asshole that was living in your house could never admit to telling you that. 

Do your best at not being so afraid of the world, I know people suck and I know sometimes you know you, yourself can be an asshole but remember it’s ok to be afraid sometimes and I know you have a lot reasons to why you’re always afraid, but remember you’re not there anymore your safe. Don’t get me wrong your fears are valid and you’re allowed to be, it just pains me to see you so fearful. And yes a thousand times yes! Question every thing you encounter because there will be a reason for all of that. There will be a reason every day actually why you question things and that is absolutely ok. There are going to be people that will question you for questioning them or anything they do or say don’t pay any attention. Just don’t. 

Now that you are out of your away from everything and every one that kept you from your dreams, do your best to accomplish them, and do your hardest to not  shy away from every thing you’ve ever wanted to do. You may fail or some things may not happen but it’s ok at least you tried. Don’t let anyone’s jealousy or bullshit ruin your hopes and dreams because they don’t matter.  

For some time you are going to have these unbelievable horrible nightmares and they are going to make you wake up and cry and sweat and make you restless for days at times. Do your best to remember they are just dreams and do your best to try to change them, I know it’s going to be hard, but what’s easy these days am I right? I don’t want you to think that this is going to be forever or that this is your life because it’s not. When you first left you were required to be on a mission to follow some tasks and goals that were quite a bit of a distraction and it kind of deteriorated from your health and you focusing on getting better and then you have to deal with your emotions way after, it kind of sucks, I know. Your frequent cries in the corner of your room or under your covers is not forever either. This is not going to be you forever I promise it’s just for the time being while your on your mission will call it. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for having your emotional outbursts or wanting to have an argument, I mean come on your human who doesn’t fucking fight or cry. 

I want to say I’m sorry for all the panic attacks your going to have while your away from everyone you’ve ever met that would normally comfort you. I know it’s really hard to experience shit alone and no one giving a shit about you. 

One thing I don’t want you to do is think you did something wrong when someone leaves your life, it’s not you it’s them. Don’t ever feel like your to blame when things get tough people just runaway, they’re probably just not as tough as you. Just think of it as this way, people show up in your life for a reason and not all the time they are going to stick around. 

Always keep in the back of your mind how much of a fighter you are and that you are winning your battle.You are no longer a victim and your taking your life back and making something of it and no one is going to stand in your way. You are going to struggle and it’s going to be a struggle, but oh my god! You are going to win this war. All your doing is redefining who you were meant to be not who someone wanted to be.You are becoming a new you, a more stronger, beautiful, capable, fighting machine and no one is going to stop you! 

OH! And GOD DAMIT, FEEL! You are allowed to have feelings, you are allowed to scream, you are allowed to be mad, sad, happy, angry, excited, you are allowed to feel whatever the HELL you want! If you need to cry, go right ahead and do it, you need that damn cry! Nothing or no one will define you, you define you! 

There are going to be days when you absolutely feel alone and there is no one there for you, but you do have your therapist if you feel like the others that are in your life aren’t there. If they have a problem with you feeling like you don’t believe you when you say they’re not there enough, than that’s on them, not you. You are allowed to have the feelings you have. Don’t deal with the pain alone, it makes you lonelier. Go ahead and call Michelle and tell her what’s going on in your head. You don’t need to wait till your appointment, that’s not why she’s there. She’s there for you anytime she’s scheduled. I know it really sucks when you want to talk to your friends and sometimes they can’t be there. It’s ok. 

Please do one thing and continue to fight because you are a survivor! Like you did it, you fucking did it! You went to hell and back and you said no more and you left and your still alive and your still breathing and making it. Make this your time to shine. You don’t need all the bullshit or the excuses as to why you need to go back. Be proud of yourself, because I am! 

Love, 

A.D. 

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

Stupid Girl

I suppose it happens to all of us girls we think something is so good that it turns out so wrong! Then instead of believing that your strong enough to get passed the stupid mistake, you can’t because you’re dwelling on how you missed all the signs. 

I’m not sure how much longer my heart can handle it being broken. I’ve spent 90% of my life unhappy and 100% unsure how to turn it all around. I read those motivational quotes to get me out my funk as well as taking the advice of my therapist that it will get better. What I want to know the most is, when? Every single day I’m hurting on the inside. Every day I’m my stomach hurts and I can’t eat, sleep, concentrate for the life of me. At any given moment I start crying wishing I didn’t exist, because I think, what’s the point of me being alive? I have no purpose or a person to confide in to make me feel like I matter. 

I want so badly this pain to go away, I’m starting to feel like a broken record to all my friends. Almost so much to the point I think it’s probably why they don’t call because they know what I’m going to say. 

I’m not sure if I feel stupid because I thought for like a split of a second someone actually liking me, all 160 some pounds, not so pretty girl. Or do I feel stupid because I did it again I got to clingy to the point I scared them off. I like an idiot jumped to conclusion that some guy actually thought I was worthy of his time. I can count on my hands how many times where I felt duped to thinking someone from the opposite sex actually thinks I’m attractive and worthy of having a relationship with. I’ve driven everyone that I get close too away, and I seriously never know what I did wrong? So yes, I am a stupid girl, not only for being the heart broken but also because I thought I was worthy. Every person I ever get close too leaves me and I wonder why I try to begin with you. I’m so fucking stupid. I’m always that girl playing Adele on repeat because I have nothing better to do because her music is the only thing rings true. 

In all honesty I don’t think I ever want to try to find someone anymore, the heart ache isn’t worth it anymore. I don’t learn anything from it but being stupid and hurt. 

[sassyclassyandalilsmartass-blog1]

When will I learn?

Every damn morning I wake with this overwhelming feeling of out of control, as though my mind is going to explode into millions of tiny particle pieces. I start questioning my sanity like why I can’t get past things that have been put in the past for a reason? Why can’t I just wake up? When will I ever learn? I can’t keep believing the things people say to me is true. I need to stop being so naive and rewire my brain functioning and start to trust myself and myself alone. Because if I don’t I will be the one still curled up in my bed crying. I will be the one shedding tears that could possibly fill an entire ocean. 

I’m not even certain where to start because I don’t even know what it feels like for someone else to care about me. I don’t even know what it feels like to feel loved. The only thing I do know is the love I’ve shared with others and have yet to feel that same love reciprocated and I wonder when will I ever learn?

I need to start teaching myself the only person in this world that is here for me is me and me alone. I’ve put myself out there and exposed my heart to others and what ends up happening is the people I’ve chosen to help mend my heart or care for it have all in some shape or form have stomped on it or broken it. It also makes me wonder if anyone even gives a shit if they’ve hurt me or find out that they’ve hurt me if they give any fucks! 

At this moment I feel like a complete idiot because the ball is no longer in my court and I’ve given someone the complete and utter control and I’m suffering here. I literally and figuratively feel like an absolute dope. I’m not helping my case by moping either. I hate that I’ve lost control and am hurting so much! 

I so badly want to be ok, but I’m not and I hate the thoughts running through my head, most of which are telling me to just give up and stop living! It’s telling me what’s the point? I have no one! I’m almost too scared to be in the tub because I feel like if I’m depressed enough I will go under and I won’t come back up. As of this moment no one can really make me believe they care enough to stop me. 

I’m sick of the loneliness and spending my days and nights alone. I’m sick of being upset with myself that I’m alone. I don’t even know where to start to stop feeling this way or putting myself out there. There have been too many times when someone does come along and make me believe they care enough and that they’ll always be there for me and then life gets in the way and they desert me. Why is it ok to excuse them every time they do this to me? Why is it ok for them to be let off because they were busy with work or whatever? Why can’t I ever come first to someone? When will I ever learn? When will I ever learn I’m always last?