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poojamoorthi · 3 years

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Aurora - The Beautiful Inside; urges me to love the sun which I can't

Can you love the sun?

Is it possible to love something even though it could burn you?

His name is ♥️. He is the sun of my universe. He is without a doubt, the smartest Boy in the class. We know each other though we won’t talk. I guess you could say we didn’t really met until.

I remember it was the day where we first started our first argument. I was sitting infront of my PC and felt as if someone had stuck their hand in my chest and squeezed. I thought to myself. Is this it? Is this how I die?

“Hey, you. Are you okay?” A voice to my left said. I turned in their direction and found my mom looking back at me. She was still in behind and asked me what happened?

“I’m dying.” I somehow had the strength to say. Even as I felt like I was dying, I was struck by how I feel when we stopped talking.

My Mom shifted on her feet. “I think you’re having a panic attack.” She sat next to me. “I need you to take a deep breath for me.”

“But… I can’t breathe.” I said between gasps.

She half smiled, the left corner of her lip pulled upward. “If you’re talking, you can breathe. Now, come on. Deep breath for me. In through your nose.”

I did as she said. Breathed in as deep as I could, filling my lungs with air. She did the same.

“And out,” she said. She pursed letting the air out slowly. I followed her lead.

She breathed in. I breathed in. She breathed out. I breathed out. She kept it up for a few minutes, reminding me how to breathe again. Finally, and thankfully, my heart stopped trying to pound its way out of my chest and I could take solid breaths that didn’t feel like I was breathing through a straw.

“Thank you,” I said, wishing there was more that I could say since thank you didn’t seem like enough.

“It’s okay,” she said. She put her hand on my cheek and looked into each of my eyes. “You should take it easy." But, I knew it was not that much easy as I already fallen for him.

I looked away from her. I didn’t want to deal with this right now. I needed to get on the to my work and earn my spot. It was all I ever wanted.

“I can’t,” I told her simply. “I’ll be fine.”

She eased my face back to hers. “You’ll be fine, but for how long?” I couldn’t afford to ask those types of questions. I wasn’t about to let anything stand in the way between me and my dream.

“Thanks for everything,” I told her.

She nodded. “Take care of yourself.”

and I think my mom got it. I abruptly fallen in love with him. Actually I didn't know whether it's Love or Frindship but I really want to be with him forever my Eternity.

As I watched him go, I felt cold without him near me. Empty. As if I was watching the sun fall out of the sky. Only seconds had passed, and yet I missed him already. What was happening to me?

I do not claim to be a genius. Not in class nor even in life. So it is to no one’s surprise that it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize my feelings for him. And when I did figure it out, it was too late.

I was in the hurry of attending class and I saw him talking with his one of his friends. He was laughing at something she had said. I found myself getting annoyed because I didn’t remember making him laugh that much and then I was wondering what I had to be annoyed about. It’s not like he and I were together.

My bottom jaw dropped. I folded my arms and frowned. There was an unfamiliar emotion bubbling up inside me and I realized suddenly that it was jealousy. I was jealous of her. Jealous that she was able to be by his side and make him laugh. It was jealousy that made me say, “I guess geeks can find love, too.”

The entire friendship circle of mine turned my way and started laughing. Everyone started cracking jokes about their geek love. I laughed along even though it wasn’t funny. Even though I was hurting inside.

It was in that moment I learned what it had taken me much too long to figure out. I liked him a lot.

Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do with that information. He was with someone. I had missed my chance. I revolved around him, kept up with what he was working on, but never got too close. Just like the sun. YES, He is like a sun, I can't touch him that I can only feel him.

As fate would have it, our paths crossed again and still.

"I would like to stretch my mind and challenge me to see things from a new perspective. But, I can't win, still am trying a bid. That’s all that matters.”

I always got excited when his name popping out in my mobile. More excited than I had ever been in and even more nervous. It felt like I was laying my soul on the chopping block to be butchered and critiqued and yet, I knew as much as the criticism hurt, my story would become that much stronger because of it. But, the sad thing is he didn't texted me. Even I tried but he didn't.

Sometimes, all matters is efforts. But when it's lack we can't force a human to act for us. Everything we holds won't hold back us. I had more than a couple of strong short stories under my heart. I was in the middle of writing a difficult scene between my heart and mind.

Groans echoed throughout the mind in response. I groaned right along with them, but inside, I was jumping for joys. I was curious to find out what thoughts with someone else would be like.

No, that can’t be right. There must be some type of mistake. Every piece of my mind was murmuring about his name, but even more thoughts were questioning me being whom I want to be with.

This got a couple of laughs. That didn’t make me feel any better though.

Hey, I wanted to say in my defense. I’m just as surprised as you are. But all I did was laugh. Like I was in on the joke that was at my expense. Because they can’t laugh at you, if you’re laughing with them.

I think am literally got crazy over him. Am really mad about you man but I can't really be with you. Yeah, I Knew I can't. And actually I don't want. The thing I need is your Friendship that's more than enough.

This is the hush fell on my heart. What could anyone say to that? He was not talking with me. In my defense, no less.

“Let’s not focus on this thing", My Mind said, taking back control of the heart. “I’m more concerned with how you handle an Unsaid Feelings. Understand?”

There were nods and yessirs. And that was the end of it.

I wanted to ask him - "Hey man, what and why do I owe this pleasure?”

I was dumbfounded. My heart said to my mind that "I really should have come up with a game plan before coming over here." But my mind replied,“You didn’t have to do that, you know,” I said, finding the words. “They were just joking. You didn’t need to take it so seriously.”

Finally I nodded my head and said “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“But…um,” I knew already I scratched the back of my neck, in the universal gesture of I am out of my depth and I don’t know what to say. “Did you mean it?, again?"

My mind stood up and pushed me back in. “Did I mean what?” You can't owe him, so it's better to move on".

“You know?,” I said. “When you said…After everybody had said…” Why were words so hard?

“Oh, about my feelings? Of course, I meant it. Even my friends said you do great work.”

“How could you know it was ?, because am already caught up with cardiac arrest”

And besides me do this precious little smile anytime. I’m surprised no one else has noticed.” I had made it to my locker that's my heart LOL. Gosh, He gave me chills, when I seen him for first time and every time. How did you come up with it?”

Nothing up my Sleeve was a story I had. It was about my street magician who finds out that he’s descended from Pharaohs and he has to keep my heart from raising an army of the dead. It was a favorite of mine as well. The line he was referring to was about him who I have fallen in love with. Sound familiar? “Oh you know,” I said, vaguely, “the words just come to me.”

Obviously, that story is about me and him.

A fine day where, “I get it. There’s safety in loving from afar. You don’t have to be vulnerable. You won’t get hurt. You won’t get burned. But up close,” and he closed the distance between us and this time I didn’t pull away. “That’s where the magic is. That’s where the living is. It may not work out, but isn’t it worth the risk?”

I took a deep breath in, and slowly let it out just like he taught me all of those months before. We were face to face now with just our breaths between us. My eyes flicked down to him. They were so close. Isn’t it worth the risk? I could hear his say.

I didn’t know for sure, but I was about to find out. I never knew Am missing. Warmth and passion and love. Loving him was like loving the sun. I might get burned if I get too close, but man, it was worth it.

But, now I really missing You a lot.

There my story ends, with endless love.

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