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I'm a lady with a dirty mouth and dirtier mind
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Writing has become a secondary priority these days. I've been so unproductive and I haven't felt like writing on this blog for a long time, but maybe it's time to change that. I'm gonna set a schedule for myself or force myself to write once a day. I have so many stories in my drafts that are unfinished.
I really wish I had taken English classes. They'd be so helpful right now. I'm struggling to write because I can't tell whether my structure is good enough at times.
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Love?
I've spent my time alone for the past few years. I went through some relationship issues that caused me to reconsider how I approached relationships. I realized that if I ever got with someone again they couldn't be controlling, jealous, or liars. A lot of people find that honesty is impossible in this day and age, but my friends would disagree. We're too honest with each other and when there's conflict it's quickly resolved; the way it should be.
After spending some time--four or three years now--alone with moments of deep despair and heartache, I've decided I should probably go with the conventional route; dating. The problem is that I've never found dating to have any appeal. Dating in person is usually boring. You meet up with someone you barely know and there's little chance you'll get to know them without going out on a few more dates. They all generally involve money. Dating online usually happens with people who are already close, and it's hard to get close to someone online. Not because the emotions aren't there, but because some people crave more than just text. I've already had trouble getting close to anyone romantically for these past few years so it seemed impossible to me, but alas, here I am.
I've never "dated" anyone because the relationships I've been in have all started with me craving them enough to be with them. In the past year I managed to find someone I actually craved like that, but I was rejected and the experiences that followed made me realize that I don't love them. However, in the past few months I realized that I don't need to be madly in love to start a relationship. I can take things slow and start from there. So I tried looking for someone like that, but I gave up on the idea of dating anyone local because I'm currently broke and I can't support a relationship that requires money. Once I had realized that, I thought that was the end of my dating ventures, but I was wrong.
I met someone out of the blue, and for once in the past two years, they were the one to approach me about further conversation. So I went for it because it made me extremely happy. I was so tired of having to push for conversation with new people. I wasn't immediately in love nor did I know them yet, but that alone was good enough to keep them around. They happened to be friends with someone I'm quite fond of so it was easy to talk to them. It's been three months now and I'm realizing that I really like this person, but I'm not necessarily in love. I figure this is the perfect chance I'll have at a relationship in a while so I should take it.
I'm hesitant to approach her about it because despite getting along really well these past few weeks, she's not in a position to be in love. She recently broke up with her ex a month ago after realizing that she was depressed because he couldn't handle her like that and she was falling out of love. I recommended she take a month off for herself to really get used to being alone since she was ready to jump the gun with someone else. I do think that advice is best for her, but at the same time I really want to be with her.
The reason for the title of this post is that I can't tell whether I'm falling in love this time. Maybe I already have and I don't want to admit it so soon. I did promise I wouldn't fall in love with her over stupid reasons. It's just that I've found myself caring more about her than I normally should and I've spent the past week talking to her from when I've woken to when I go to sleep. In some cases she even wakes me up with her messages, but it never bothers me. I usually hate hearing my phone go off.
So is it love? I don't know, but I definitely want to date her. Should I break my own advice? I might. I just hope she's really able to handle a relationship with me. She said she doesn't know whether she's able to handle love in general, but it seems like most of the people she's been in a relationship with in the past have been awful.
I really needed to figure this all out before making any decisions to talk about it with someone else. I want to keep my relationship a secret from my closest friend because I'm planning to pull a huge prank on him. Sounds silly but imagine being told about something that has been true for months, and the sweet realization that you've just been too blind to see it. That's what I want to do to him. Since he's usually my go-to guy, I decided I needed to think this more through before approaching the mutual friend that actually knows her. I think he'll be able to give me insight on whether or not it'll work out. I expect him to say that he's not surprised that I approached him.
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My blog name was meant to be temporary but I kind of dig it. I'm not sure I agree with myself yet. I'll have to find something better before I change my mind.
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An open letter to an orchid child
Months after my talks with you I've been finding a number of interesting people. It's strange, when we first talked I was incredibly lonely and you were a breath of familiar, yet fresh, air. I wasn't in love with you; it wasn't romantic. In fact, at one point I hated you for letting yourself go to waste. I still don't understand you, but let's forget that. The point is, I accomplished something I complained to you about. I made good friends.
I think you'd like them but I wouldn't let you be around them. I don't know how influential you are but God knows your kind of influence is horrible. The poison that is akin to nihility soaks the soil around you. Maybe I'd at least let you watch. Nah, that's too risky, but I'd definitely be gossiping about them to you.
Actually, that's a great idea. I'll do that now. These people are skillful in the most ordinary ways. They're people with ambitions and unrealistic dreams. The kind only you would laugh at.
A writer. They're studying just that and they're amazing when they let their feelings flow. They're insecure about it so you would really have to tell them it's good. The same is true when discussing their tastes. The obscurity of their choices makes them think they're "bad" but that's often not the case. If I had to guess, I would say they dream of café love.
A reader. Possibly the only one I would introduce you to. They're much like you but without the will to speak and without your poison. Hmm, maybe they aren't like you at all. They share a favorite author with me, you know the one. Despite their timidness they can be really passionate when a conversation is flowing. It's a beautiful sight, and boy, do I love to see it. They wish to drift and train. Their training will involve martial arts; perhaps you could have taught them something.
A gamer and strategist. Often quiet and hard to talk to. Mostly because I can't relate, but their spirit is visible when they're talking about games. They break down the best strategies without caring whether you're interested. Of course I'm always interested. I don't think they're aware of what they want but they would most likely be into humanitarian work.
A student. Studying cultural oriented work with ambition to travel. They're interested in creating comics (specifically manga) but have yet to try it. I should never compare someone to Nadeko but I will in this case for that tiny similarity. I share a lot of their favorites so I get excited when talking to them about them.
An artist, writer, and hedonist. This one is my favorite. They're lazy yet they look to perfectionism when completing their works. I have never met anyone more arrogant in my life. They might as well be a fictional character. They view most of the world as beneath them. Oh, I don't even know how to expand on them without getting personal. We'll just leave it at that. I will say their dreams are simple and romantic yet this person has no concept of love.
There are others that I don't know very well, yet. Such as a director/script writer, a wannabe mechanic, and an aspiring linguist. I'm thrilled to hear more from them.
The common theme here is passion. That's something you always had, but at the same time it feels appropriate to say you lacked it.
It's been five months since we last talked but it feels like almost a year ago. I miss you, and that's odd for me to say. I don't really miss people they sort of go and I acknowledge that they're gone. I do this with my best friends even though I love them. It's not a defect; I don't miss them because they return, but I don't think you'll return. You made it clear that you wanted to leave and change your life. So clear that it was ambiguous and often sounded like you were contemplating suicide. I asked you about that but I don't remember your answer. I'm sure you were cryptic there too. Maybe I feel like I'm slowly experiencing a loss.
I wish you well.
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Living
I love watching them grow. They're nothing like children but their growth is so apparent. My face lights up each time they tell me they're trying. They never stop, that's what it means to be truly living. This is the way it should be. My god, I'm so proud.
They weren't always successful and that's what makes it so enjoyable. They started off of as nothing but they didn't give up. They're still at it too. Living and ignoring their clocks, like true humans. Real humans, unlike most.
Sure, not all of them got there on their own but that doesn't matter. Everyone can use some help sometimes. The important thing is that they're getting there. They're growing and it's for themselves not for others. That really is the best part.
Oh and they aren't even prodigies or geniuses; they're just like you. They're getting what they want by simply deciding to take it. They've come to realize that defeat is all too common but they get over it and they keep going. I make it sound easy but it's really not and despite that they're doing it.
I love them. I'm so happy that I could talk about them forever but I'll spare you that.
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Garbage
How can they even live with themselves? How do they give up so easily on what means most to them? I don't understand it at all. I can't bear the thought of it. They're the trash that remains on streets, complacently, as if the wind and civilization around them were nonexistent. And who's to pick up the trash? Surely not me. I'm not cut out for that line of work, it fills me with rage.
They say it's too hard to move but who are they kidding? Of course it's hard everyone knows that. Goddammit! Those fools need to stop whining and just do it. Make it possible. I don't care how just fucking do it! Live your dreams you fools. At least do something right, dammit!
You start accepting everything and you'll never get to it.
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Hm, I like the idea of tagging personal posts as non-fiction since they don't show up on the tag. Eventually this place will be filled with fiction so it's only appropriate.
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She says she prefers being around the idiots because the interesting are too dangerous. She means they're moody, capricious, unpredictable, and constantly analyzing. Of course the hilarious part is that she's interesting (and acknowledges this). She also enjoys them from a distance as long as they aren't imposing on her; namely in fiction.
But why am I allowed to stay? I'm all the above and more. Maybe she realizes I'm not foolishly judgmental.
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