parsleysoda1984

[parsleysoda1984]

endless esmé appreciation [55/?]

#slain. #Esmé Squalor

[parsleysoda1984]

Also, who climbs an elevator shaft faster?

Beatrice’s youngest daughter comes by her climbing skills honestly: Her mother, six-time champion of the unfortunately-named Volunteer Shaft Shimmy, claimed her final trophy while heavily pregnant. The climb had always been long and dark and cold. That year, with the added weight and ungainly swell of her stomach, it seemed even longer and even darker and even colder, and the dazzling summer afternoon came as such a relief when she emerged onto the roof that she made two momentous decisions right then and there. 

“That’s it, everyone,” she declared with a breathless laugh, shaking her head. “I’m retiring. You’ve all just witnessed Beatrice Baudelaire’s last climb.” 

Neither she nor anyone else in the noble and well-read crowd on the rooftop that day knew just how right Beatrice was. As the applause faded and conversation resumed, she made her way toward the three proud faces waiting for her at the edge of the promenade. 

“Well done, well done!” cried Montgomery Montgomery, clapping her on the back as she passed. 

“You’ve always been Jo’s most formidable opponent. She’ll surely miss the competition,” added Ike Anwhistle. 

“Finally giving the rest of us a chance?” asked Jacques Snicket. 

“I still don’t think Esmé‘s forgiven you for beating her six years ago,” Kit pointed out, smirking. 

From just over his sister’s shoulder, Lemony beamed at Beatrice. “No, I would wager that she has not,” he said. “‘Wager’ is a word which here means...” 

But at that moment, two small figures flung their arms around her waist. Then Bertrand was there with a warm smile and a glass of ice water, but before he could congratulate her, Beatrice made a second, more private announcement. 

“Sunny,” she said firmly, rumpling Violet and Klaus’ hair before stretching up to kiss the warm skin of her husband’s cheek. “We’ll name her Sunny.”

#I LOVE ASKS YOU GUYS #Beatrice Baudelaire #Esmé Squalor #A Series of Unfortunate Events #my work

[parsleysoda1984]

who’s better at disguising their tattoo(s) and helping the other person do it

Note: For asks that don’t specify one pairing or one question, I’m choosing the one that strikes me as the most fun to think about. 

Georgina/Esmé

Makeup is the only art form Esmé ever bothered to study. She is perfectly capable of applying a flawless full face in under four minutes — not that she ever would, of course, except to prove a point. She revels in her ability to change her face at will, to look utterly different but equally, untouchably beautiful from one day to the next. The collection of cosmetics on display in the most well-lit of her dressing rooms is enough to make the City’s most seasoned drag queens swoon, but the moment makeup ceases to be about fun and starts to look like work, Esmé simply loses interest. 

It isn’t that her cover-up technique is subpar. Quite the contrary. Foundation first, the one she uses on her face, outrageously expensive and custom blended to her skin’s precise shade and tone. Concealer next, expertly blended, then finally powder so finely milled it makes talcum feel like sandpaper. The application is flawless. The products are above reproach.

Not a single one of them is waterproof. 

Effectively covering a tattoo calls for the sorts of specialist pastes and powders that hardly ever come in jars worth displaying, even in one’s second-best-lit dressing room. Esmé (who also remembers just how unpleasantly her skin reacted to stage makeup) refuses on principle to own anything quite so utilitarian. 

Georgina’s tattoo disguise kit fits neatly inside her wallet. Three shallow pans nestle together inside the discreet bronze compact: A primer, tinted peach to neutralize the greenish tinge of old black ink. A thick, highly pigmented greasepaint for layering and blending. A whitish rectangle of pressed setting powder. None of it is fancy, none of it is messy, and all of it applies with a fingertip in under forty-seven seconds. 

She covers the tattoo every morning. Every once in a while, she toys with the idea of having it removed; after all, it isn’t as if she lacks the money or the pain tolerance. But there’s something about the makeup that she respects. It isn’t, despite Esmé’s best efforts to replace it, fancy. It doesn’t make her feel more beautiful. But it’s a comforting routine, a reliable practicality. 

Georgina’s handiwork once survived a near-drowning. Bathed in the glow of Esmé’s makeup mirror, however, passing a fan brush to the City’s sixth-most-important financial advisor before holding out a jar of thoroughly ineffective finishing powder, she can almost believe it won’t have to survive another. 

#I LOVE ASKS YOU GUYS #Eswell #Esmé Squalor #Georgina Orwell #spot the former cosmetics salesgirl

[parsleysoda1984]

Are you going to make a post fire esme fic at any point? I really enjoy your work and i just havent seen any fics about her post-fire experience. Like would she be furious? Would she be broken? Depressed? I must know!!!!! How you feel about it!!!!!

You know, it’s funny you should ask this - I was working on one last summer, just before Adulthood™️ set in. It’s been sitting at about 2/3 of the way finished ever since, and having just re-read what’s there, I think it’s well worth finishing.  

#I LOVE ASKS YOU GUYS!

[parsleysoda1984]

oddly specific couple asks not inspired by anything in particular (?)

who’s better at disguising their tattoo(s) and helping the other person do it

who deliberately misspells words / uses wrong grammar in letters to each other as some code even when the situation doesn’t require it and does it just for fun

who’s better at navigating through the city’s tunnels

who climbs an elevator shaft faster

who’s better at lock picking

who would steal more belongings of the other person if they ever breakup and what would they each steal

who insists on putting a series of elaborate fake locks on the door to look impressive but it could actually be open easily with one action

who successfully converts the other person into loving their favorite drink or neither of them does

which one of them drives more and what’s their driving style

which weapons do they each like to carry

when going undercover together, what disguises are their favorite to use

what is each other their first choice of outfit when attending a masked ball

#ask away! #guess who has a reasonably light workload and a lot of extra lesbianism today? #hint: Bea

[parsleysoda1984]

Bonus, on the other end of the phone:

[parsleysoda1984]

i’m really never gonna get over klaus and bertrand wearing the same outfit when they left the island…… cannot even think about it without tearing up

#I hadn’t realized that until now #and can I just say from the bottom of my heart #OW #Klaus Baudelaire #Bertrand Baudelaire #S3 #TE

[parsleysoda1984]

Finally finished S3 over the course of two (legitimate) sick days! Glad to see @aseriesofunfortunatetexts continues to serve tea as hot as...well, the City’s sixth-least-heterosexual financial advisor.

[parsleysoda1984]

You know, the dress Esmé Squalor wears in The Slippery Slope...

looks an awful lot like the dress in Ivan Kramskoi’s Portrait of an Unknown Woman...

which just so happens to have graced the cover of many, many editions of...

a book that plays a pivotal role in The Slippery Slope.

#was this intentional? #probably not. #am I choosing to believe otherwise? #absolutely. #Esmé Squalor #s3 #TSS #Anna Karenina

[parsleysoda1984]

#Esmé Squalor #s3 #is it even legal to look this good? #oh. #right. #forgot who I was talking about.

[parsleysoda1984]

By having feet so rank, even frostbite won’t touch them.

How does he not get frostbite walking around snowy mountains without socks??

[parsleysoda1984]

I want to steal from you the way Beatrice stole from me!

#good lord #you fall down a work rabbit hole #and come back to this #S3 #Esmé Squalor

[parsleysoda1984]

Sometimes when you’re sad the only thing to do is draw beautiful women.

#Esmé Squalor #fanart #damn

[parsleysoda1984]

New Affordable Daycare Literally Puts Eyes On Your Kids.

;3c

#their ankles specifically

[parsleysoda1984]

fact: Justice Strauss is a High Court judge

fact: in ASOUE-verse, same-sex marriage is now possible after “certain high court [High Court?] rulings”

conclusion: Justice Strauss legalized same-sex marriage

#Justice Strauss #headcanon fucking ACCEPTED

[parsleysoda1984]

This fandom tests me

#I leave y'all alone for like two months and I come back to this #well played everyone #well played

[parsleysoda1984]

Not unlike the spare key to a penthouse, the spare fob for an automobile, or the spare crowbar that pries open the door to an abandoned horseradish storage facility in which a desperate man has hidden several years’ worth of painstaking research, the key to unlocking a mystery is often hidden in an unexpected location. Even in the case of a seemingly simple question, the key may lie in a very fine distinction, such as the capitalization of certain letters or the pluralization of certain verbs.

The answer to the question “are eggs in,” for instance, is “occasionally.”

The answer to the question “is EGGS in,” however,” is “always, darling. Always.”

Esme’s initials spell eggs and I don’t know what to do with this information

Question, are eggs in?

#Esmé Squalor #it has been way too long since I have Snicketed #and I must get back to fighting form for the inevitable fanfic storm in January