offensivesovietjokes-blog
Racist, Homophobic, Sexist Soviet Russian Jokes
A collection of overall offensive short stories come from the ex-USSR countries.
12 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
Text
A plane crashes on a deserted island and there are only three survivors: two pilots and a stewardess. After a year, one pilot tells the other one: "This is it: we must end this perversion. Time to kill the stewardess." Another year goes by. The pilot says to the other one, again: "This is it: we must end this perversion. Time to bury the stewardess." Yet another year goes by, and the pilot finally says to his companion: "This is it... We must end this perversion... Time to undig the stewardess."
1 note
·
View note
Text
Russian 4-line haiku - chastushka.
Chastushka is a type of haiku, but with four verses, always with a very good rhyme. Until now they are sung at weddings and big parties. The next four chastushkas are an idea of how they work and a literal translation, without proper rhyming. Every chastushka is a complete work of literature. Me and my sweetheart by the metro station Kissed until the morning We'd kiss some more But my pussy hurts Girls, don't get married No good will come from it Wake up in the morning with your titties mangled All you pussy fucked up On the Kalinin rail station Two priests wandered Wandered and wandered Hit the nearest bank Our town's girls went insane Began studying tractors On my dick they wanted To switch speeds.
0 notes
Text
A fox is sitting on a stump on the middle of the woods, sobbing about her life: "Oh, I just don't know what to do with this forest of ours! Yesterday I went and got raped. Today I went, and also got raped...! Tomorrow I'll go again."
1 note
·
View note
Text
At the police station, a granny is being questioned as a witness. She explains: "I was walking through the park, when I noticed some rustling in a nearby bush. I get closer, and I see it: two young people fucking." The cop questioning her, surprised, tells her: "Now, ma'am, those are strong words! It's called making love. Try again, please." The granny complies, and begins again: "Alright. I was walking through the park, I noticed some rustling in a nearby bush, I get closer, and I see two young people making love. But then I looked closer, and, indeed, they were fucking."
1 note
·
View note
Text
A terrorist group takes over an airplane, and declares to its passengers: "Now we're going to fuck all the men and throw all the women overboard." The women, surprised, inquire: "What, men can be fucked?" And the men, whispering: "They can, they can...!"
1 note
·
View note
Text
By the river, a monkey is washing a banana peel. A crocodile swims up to her, and asks: "What are you doing?" The monkey tells him: "Gimme 5 bucks and I'll tell ya." So the crocodile does, and she explains: "I'm washing a banana peel." The crocodile, enraged, exclaims: "What a dumbass you are, Monkey!" "Dumbass or not, I already wish-washed 60 bucks today."
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Bobby woke up one night thirsty, so he got up to get a glass of water. On the way he passes his parents' room, from which he hears weird noises. He looks in the keyhole, and sees them having sex. Terrified, he backs up, and wonders: "And THEY tell me not to eat my boogers?!"
0 notes
Text
A couple is making out in a parking lot, and when the guy, who is still a virgin, makes a move on the chick, she says: "I'm embarrassed. Could you go and unscrew the light bulb in the lot, so it's darker and no one sees us?" The man goes and does just that. Upon coming back, the girl, having forgotten all shame, demands: "Now shove it in my mouth." To which the guy replies: "But it's still hot!"
1 note
·
View note
Text
A muzhik goes to confession and tells the priest: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest tells him: "Don't worry, son. What matters is that you've realized your mistake. What did you do?" "You see, every time I walk through the field, I worry I might step on a bunny, so I tie bells on my feet to scare them off." Surprised, the priest says: "Son, that is a very noble thing to do of you. You are forgiven." "Well, you see, father, that's not all. There's something else." The priest asks: "What is it?" "See, when my barin (boss) and his daughter leave to the city, I go at it with the barynya (boss' wife)." The priest thinks about it for a second, then says: "Well, son, that's a serious sin, but, for the bunnies, you are forgiven." "That's great, father, but it's still not all. When my barin and his barynya leave to the city, I go at it with their daughter." The priest thinks about it for a minute, then says: "Well, son, that's a very serious sin, but, for the bunnies, you are forgiven." "Thanks, father, but... there's one last thing. When the barynya and her daughter leave to the city, I go at it with the barin." "Jesus, son, your feet aren't the only place you need to tie bells to!"
0 notes
Text
A moose is prancing through the woods. On his way, he meets a rabbit, who says: "Hey, Moose! What's your name?" To which the animal replies, proudly: "I am Moose, Big Balls!" He continues on his journey, and soon meets a fox, who says: "Hey, Moose! What's your name?" And yet again he replies: "I am Moose, Big Balls!" He continues on running, and at one point he comes along a fallen tree branch. He jumps fast enough to avoid colliding against it, but his balls get stuck in one branch and get torn off. Walking a lot slower now, the moose soon meets a girl moose, who says: "Hey, Moose! I am Cow Big Tits, what's your name?" The poor bull replies sadly: "I'm Moose... just Moose..."
1 note
·
View note
Text
A woman on the balcony of her fifth floor apartment, sees a man passing down the street in front of her building. She yells down: "Hey, mister! You're gonna rape me!" He ignores her, so she tries again: "Hey, mister! You're gonna rape me!" He ignores her again, so she yells at the top of her lungs, desperate: "MISTER! YOU'RE GONNA RAPE ME!" This time, the confused man responds: "How can I, if you're all the way up there?" "Just a second, I'll get down!"
0 notes
Text
A man visits a prostitute. He asks her: "How much?" "Twenty bucks." "I only got ten...." "Well, just go halfway then. But only halfway!" So he gets down to business, going only half the way in. At one point, however, he decides: "Ah, fuck it! I'll go in all the way!" And so he does, and the prostitute screams: "THIEF!!!"
0 notes