obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

When your eyes are begging for you to get some sleep, it's when your heart and mind are having an argument that's where you're stunned that you're stuck between those two in a silent clash. What a night to be in that kind of state, for it always occurs almost every damn night.

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

How can someone say they've found the one that they've been praying for to someone when they said it to you years before?! Eh?! I don't know..

If I were on that side since I was reading some books from the past months, my mind is always a tragic phase where today I don't really mind what people might have to show or to say, since I don't even understand why they said that in the first place when all along you weren't the one they've really prayed for or so whatever 😁 And by the way to cut out the chase I am not the jealous type but if I do?! I still wouldn't say that out loud, I'd prefer to keep it in me so that there are no dramas ahead. I can keep it low-key you know, so that everything will fall into its place. I don't mind being hurt because I'm used to it, but for now really most of the time all I do is stare blankly at the clouds nor to the moon so nothing will keep me from overthinking things that will surely make me suffer at the end. Staring at the moon makes me at peace, it rubs out all the hurt and pain that I have always felt. But it is way more than this if I am laying in the sand by the beach while gladly staring at the wonderful night sky, far from the noises where I am truly at. And for the record I am one of those people who has a sad soul and have felt it ever since and that's what makes me who I am and only few who know it.

If only I could sleep and never have to wake up again then maybe all these piled emotions and feelings will be gone. If only I was windy so then I will freely be where I want to be by the sea.

#mentaly tired #weary mind #tired #tired of being tired

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

02.01.24 (Friday 2:14 A.M.)

She's different from other girls, her pride and stubbornness makes it hard for others to truly enter her heart but I think you might be an exception to that you are the one she truly cares about. In our lifetime we go to many different stages in each stage, we will meet new friends even without you, and with me she still will meet new friends in the future but that doesn't mean you will disappear from her life experiences, for her no matter how she'll be later, the one she truly cares about will always be in her heart.

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

Some days I just wanted to vanish so completely, turn off my location, delete all my posts, deactivate my social media accounts, ghost everyone around that I wouldn't even remember me. NO FEELINGS, NO MEMORIES just the feeling of OBLIVION . If they can only see through me then they'll understand why I smile the way I smile, why I laugh the way I laugh. But none even tries to know why.

#mentaly tired #weary mind #just tired #thoughts #tired

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

Being deranged in ways I can't even start with.

That pang inside my chest is way worse than it had been. Missing someone who means the world to you, even if you know exactly that you can't see them while you're damn alive is a different kind of pain. Agonizing it over and over kills the deepest part of you. This song reminds me of that every damn time I hear it, makes me wanna go back before but not to change my past rather just to make sure I made mama Fely feel how much I appreciate her and how grateful I am for her. And most how much I love her😟😞 My head and eyes hurt so bad rat the moment bawling my eyes out while writing this.

#missing someone #missing someone in heaven #missing mama

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

When you're staring at the night sky then suddenly you realize you have never been put first your whole life, you were just a person who fills a void in people's lives until they don't need you anymore. That no matter how much you do for them, they will treat you as their backup plan, sad but that's reality slapping at you way too hard for you to wake up on those day dreams. Though I don't regret anything that has happened, at least I am not being fake. I know I have my flaws, and difficult at most time to handle but at least I am 100% ME.

#weary mind #so many questions #just tired #mentaly tired

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

Hello 👋🏼 it's me again - LONELINESS..

I'm tired but what can I do?! It's a part of me, it's in my system and my nightly routine. Listening to the same song each night is quite interesting I guess?! Where to find the sleepiness?! I can't even have it in me and it's been months🥴

#tired #mentaly tired #weary mind

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

Sometimes whenever I feel like being so empty, all I need is the calmness of the sea, to feel the crashing waves onto my feet or even just to hear the sound of it. It takes away all the pressure the world has especially when people are way a lot to handle and drains all the energy you have.

The moon never fails to make me smile whenever I feel the heaviness in my chest too, it is so damn special and precious to me that none can even change the way, how I love the moon. It makes me feel so secure at times I feel so lonely, the security it gave seems to hug me every time I need one.

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

"The person who was most neglected, was the one who helped the family most."

This hit differently when I heard these lines, not financially I've helped them but I've helped them way more than financial stability. Because when they can't afford to pay a nanny I was the one who worked for that part, not even a single penny. Days become weeks and weeks become months and months become years. They never heard anything about me bad mouthing them even if I felt too small at those moments, for not going to school and for always thinking that I am stupid and an idiot.

I grew up in an awful environment, people only see the things their eyes can and hear the things their ears can. But if they only knew what I have been through all these times I bet they wouldn't believe me nor believe it happened since I grow with those people. Growing up I wonder why they didn't like me when I was always the one who's been there all along, always the one to do the things for them yet in the end they leave me without a doubt.

Why is it so easy for them to do those kinds of things when I didn't do anything wrong? Why is it so hard for them to treat me like a family? Never in my life felt like I was part of that family it's more like I am always the outcast. And it even got worse when mama died, they've changed and brought out who they really were. I was hurt and still hurt but at the same time forgive them for what they've done I wish them nothing but the best but for the sake of my mental health I will leave them in my past and see the future full of HOPE without them in it.

One thing why I don't believe in the saying. "Blood is thicker than water" because it doesn't apply to most families. Lifted up to the Lord our God, I've done my part, prayed already, cried my heart out already, now it's your will my Lord and yours only🙏🏼

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

04.07.24 (12:235 A.M Sunday)

To this amazingly kind and wonderfully made person whose patience is so damn high when it comes to me😁 happy happy birthday nak 🤗 there's nothing more to say because I can't even afford to form the words I want to begin with since I have said it to you many times though my heart is always calm and my mind has always been peaceful too knowing I have you whether we talk, message or not the assurance you always give is way enough to live this life God has for me. Since I can't find nor gather the words to let you know how I really feel, know that no matter what I will always be by your side, at your back or wherever you want me to, I won't even hesitate to dudge a bullet for you. You mean the world to me nak and non can even replace that, I love you just like my own flesh the moment you have called me "MAMA / MAMI/ MAMAMI".

I may not be the one that you've prayed for but I will always be the one who will stand with you when you see there's no one to turn to. I will always give my time the moment you need me nak, you always know that. Thank you for sticking up with me until this very moment, I love you most nak 😘🤗 again Happy happy birthday Mi dulce hermosa niña 💖 YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME AND HOW MUCH YOU TURN MY WORL UPSIDE DOWN. THANK FOR ALWAYS BEING MY LIGHT 😘💖

Ps: Every photo and screenshot that I have with you is meaningful but the special ones are way back in 2021, because at that time, I felt so alive and felt so important to someone in my whole life, that's why I have chosen this photo. The memory still lingers, so deep.

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

Even when I'm not myself nor always having this in mind, do I still want to be alive in this crazy world? But you know what? God never fails to amaze me, why? Because the most beautiful part is... I wasn't even looking when I found YOU 💖 Now I have the COURAGE to wake up each day knowing I have YOU.

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

Being visible is not always a requirement for being close it is just only a simple thoughtfulness and concern just to keep the bond.

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

Lord, I'm no longer asking for the tables to turn. Rather all I'm asking right now is peace of mind and a complete healing from all the pains, anxiety, rejections and most trauma that long over due. I'm tired from all of these emotions and feelings so please, I beg 🙏🏼 cause I don't wanna turn back from the road that I have been through from the past. Please don't let go of me especially now, cause I don't even know where I am heading to...

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

I wonder if you ever think of me too? The way I am feeling each time, after all the good things you're having right now and after all the heartaches and heart breaks you've been through. All I have to do now is just WONDER while listening to the same song each time I want to have my "ME TIME".

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

06/14/21 (Monday 1:38 AM)

*INTERSECTION*

When you're sad and lonely

All you want is peace of mind,

For in plants and mountains you feel homely.

Where your heart is defined.

But mine is quite far from yours,

For all I want is where the ocean meets the moon.

For it is my kind of cure

And peace of mind when I'm in doom.

Both were so different from what we love,

But it didn't stop us from being close at heart.

For our love is like the clouds above,

That every moment is like art.

Miles apart are we, that even the time difference

Don't seem to bother with that kind of hindrance,

For we always find a way in all magnificence,

Like the feeling of having this perseverance.

Like the plants need water and need the Sun.

Where all mountains stop at the peak of the oceans.

I will always find the INTERSECTION

To meet you just to make sure of these emotions.

That you're okay and most

to make you feel you're not alone.

Even if it takes way too long and at all cost

Just to be where you are or unto the unknown.

*Rephrasing some of the words*

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

03.13.24 (Thursday 8:05 PM)

Tonight is different, I don't know why though?! But my whole being is not in the mood, since I don't interact the way I should. Something is not right or feels right, I am so down that my system is eating my whole mood. My body is not functioning the way it should be, my mind is kind of somewhere I don't even know where?! 🤦🏼‍♂️ The weight is too heavy right even at this very moment typing this now, maybe I'm just really exhausted that I let myself drowned from all the things my mind is having. Though most of the time I can't even control my mind from all the thoughts it has. Feels weird but yeah, that's life and this is one of those nights I guess, that I am not myself?! People never fail to make me feel burnout. They keep draining me each week, I need a break from people and want to have some "ME TIME" in my space 🌊 missing the nature so much.

[obscure-inthepelagic-iniquity]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 50 likes!

#50 likes #tumblr milestone #thank you