now-is-not-the-right-time-blog

[now-is-not-the-right-time-blog]

Yesterday was 6 months since we met. 1 month since the day we stayed up til 5 am with me begging you not to do this. You have since told me it solidified that you didn’t want to be here and I told you that wasn’t fair. You had caught me at a very vulnerable time and hadn’t been respectful of my needs so to let that solidify a decision wasn’t right.

I still love you. Of course I do. I would love nothing more than to bring you flowers today and tell you happy 6 months. It won’t happen but I still want to. We are moving in together in a little over a month now and I’m terrified but maybe this is my second chance. You fell for me once. We tried being friends. Maybe your heart is just open enough to fall again. Maybe this can still work. I probably shouldn’t hang onto that so tightly but my heart just won’t believe that this is genuinely over. It says you still love me.

I got really anxious yesterday but I handled it. I’m anxious today about Laur calling for the pet policy. I desperstely hope we don’t have to pay for all the babies because that’d be another like $750 and theres no way we can afford that ugh. Fingers crossed because I want to be done.

I have to work for 12 hours today and then go to a show and its gonna be hectic…but I still can’t wait for the day when I actually come home to you. You say you don’t want this to feel like a relationship anymore but…I still want to come home to you. Roommates my ass…I just don’t think that’s what you actually want. Forgive me for not believing you when you say thats the only reason- that we’d make good roommates. I still miss my Юрпй.

Love, ~Charlie

8/24/17

#my prince #anxiety

[now-is-not-the-right-time-blog]

If I could go back to the day I woke you up I fucking wpuld. I'd do it again and just climb into bed and not bother you because all I wamted to do that day was come home and sleep next to you. You were sleeping so peacefully and I should have left it. Instead I caused some huge blowup, I was manipulative and it was the start of abuse. All i ever fucking wanted was to be someone good for you. To end the cycle you had of people abusing you. To show you how much I love you and how good things can be. Somehow, I fucked that up. I fucked up so bad and now I miss you. I don't feel like I have any hope or anything to look forward to. I feel like a piece of my heart is gone. I feel empty. I told you once that you were my home. Wherever I slept, if it was next to you, I was home. That still stands and now I've never felt so fucking homesick. Its like I've been kicked out and I'm lost. I hate it so much and I have no control over it. I feel like this past week I've worked so hard to try and fix things before they got even worse and my reward was losing you anyways ad I am hurting so bad. It feels like it was for nothing. I will be friends with you, of course. But I still love you. So much. So fucking much. Please, I am begging you, give me a chance someday to show you my love again. Please let me be your Бека again. I miss my Юрий. Love, ~Charlie

#my prince #abuse #fuck

[now-is-not-the-right-time-blog]

My Prince, Today is your 10 month T-versary. Its also 5 months since we met. All I want to do is text you and wish you happy on these two things. You texted me yesterday to check on me and it left me craving more contact. I do understand though. In 5 months you have made my life so much brighter honestly. You've filled it with love and laughter and we have bad times bimut for good reasons. You once told me that I "light up your fucking world" and I am desperate to get back to that. You are the sun in my sky and I am your moon. I shine brighter for your existence. Someday I hope to bring that back to you. I love you. Love, Charlie

#my prince #tversary #anniversary #sort of

[now-is-not-the-right-time-blog]

My Prince,

Why the fuck did I just look at your twitter??? I knew that was the one place you had away from me. I guess I was bored and it was something to do but a week ago you posted that having a social media that your s.o doesnt follow is a blessing and now I sit here wondering what I’ve done, how smothering I must be, that you feel blessed to have space away from me. Regardless, I am so sorry I just impeded upon your privacy??? That was a shit move, wow, and I feel like a piece of shit for doing it now. That was wrong.

Its fine honestly, of course you need your own space. As do I, hence my writing this letter here on this blog that you do not follow. I am just sad that having the space away is a blessing to you. Here’s another goal of mine: be better at giving you space. I am my mother’s daughter and my father’s son. I am a control freak and I am awful at giving people space. I am sorry. Someday I will get through my head how to let things go. I promise. If we are to live together I absolutely must learn how to give you your own space. If we are even to stay together.

Love, Charlie

#my prince #privacy #space #goal

[now-is-not-the-right-time-blog]

My Prince,

I miss you today. I know I saw you yesterday morning but it has been days since we kissed and probably the same amount of time since we hugged properly. I am skin starved and that sucks but your apathetic depressive episode makes everything not work, including affection, and I can’t help but understand. I know its not your fault. It doesn’t help that my own mental health hasn’t been very good for you.

I am so sorry for treating you the way I have. I love you very much and I hate what I have been becoming. I can’t wait until Monday when I can make progress finding a therapist. I have never been so motivated to get better. I know I need to do these things for myself but right now, I nees to do them for you. And I will. I am using our relationship as motivation. I will do anything to ensure that this relationship can thrive. I told you, I am a fighter. I hope I can prove that. I will fight for you, hard. You are only encouraging me to do things that are good for me anyways. Good changes. Monday I will call therapists and I am starting this blog as a journal and I think I can do this. My goal is to reach stability so that I can be there for you as you always are for me. I will NOT be my father. I won’t. I’m already not…he would never care to change. I’m gonna try my hardest okay?

Love, Charlie

7/22/17

#my prince #therapy