not-where-im-supposed-be

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

Back again.

So far things are quiet. I shrill hav moments where he pops in my head. Like an irritating fly buzzing by my ear.

I helped my mom decorate for christmas. A bit of comfort amidst the chaos of the news i hear lately. It was nice. Not a single complaint about how the holiday sucks, how all holidays suck. No broken promises of things to do to try and break the monotony of everyday life...i dont have to deal with that anymore.

Im still coming to terms with being alone. Its a relief most times. I dont have to tip toe around or sit in absolute silence anymore. I play music all the time now, Almost always. I can dance around! (badly), i can sing (also badly) and play my games without being stopped and complained to every second.

The problem is..theres soi much now that i CAN do, but i still dont know what to do. Im struggling to focus. Which is frustrating.which ends in me cleaning. At least the house is benefiting.

I try to go outside more. Its nice, even if its cold. I record short videos of my backyard just to have something nice to look back on when i eventually move again. Just quiet views of trees rustling in the wind. To remind me of the peace i have there.

Its a little lonely. I miss having friends i can do stuff with. Trying to socialize more, even if its just online. Not going great tbh. Hoping that changes.

For now, im gonna take a nap. Hopefully things improve again soon.

#journal #personal

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

there is no old self to get back to there’s a new u to create n nurture

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

new kind of guy dropped

#My kinda guy

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

Loving my coatume this year

#Cause i cant justify spending the $20 on those ears rn. #At least its comfy~

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

Loving my coatume this year

#Cause i cant justify spending the $20 on those ears rn. #At least its comfy~

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

Its only been a couple days but its felt like a dream. Not like 'oh this is fantastic' kind of way, but more 'nothing seems real'. I keep expecting him to show up or message me somehow, despite blocking him on everything.

Ngl that stresses me out. I know its gonna take time to accept.

At least ive got plenty of distractions.

#journal

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

I did it.

After months of indecision and overthinking, i finally broke things off. Im free. Able to do the things i both want and need without him judging or complaining or begging me to buy unnecessary things for him while i scrounge to make ends meet.

Im able to save money forvthe first time in what feelsclike forever. And look at my phone without panicking.

I feel bad, right now, though. For having to hurt someone that way. I put it off for far too long for fear of it. I hate hurting people. Admittedly i think that made it worse. I think for that reason im going to keep single for a long while. Shouldnt date anyone if you're too afraid of the concept of breaking up with them. Ive learned that now. And this was a big step. Hopefully, if i end up in another situation like this (and gods i hope the hell i dont) ill deal with it sooner rather than later.

But for now, im going to go smoke and takectime to myself. I think thats whats needed most rn.

Goodnight

#journal

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

Somehow my cat has gotten me into bird watching.

What is this?

Anyway this here's a male House Finch.

Fun fact: they appear to have accents. And the reddish-orange coloring found in males comes from their compounds in their food.

I also just put up a hummingbird feeder today. Ohhh i hope i can catch a picture. Ive never actually seen one, but ive always liked them~

#bird watching #Its a thing i do now #i guess? #Did not think id be doing this ever

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

Theres nothing better than taking an afternoon nap with your pet

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

I ❤️ self-loathing characters, characters who struggle with monstrosity (either fearing or embracing it), characters who are so lonely, who have a gaping hole in their chest, who bottle up & repress their feelings, who claw their way up & have ambitions, who fall down & lose everything, who search for identity & purpose yet can’t see themselves outside of what others want from or expect of them, who are hurt & hurt others, who long & grieve, who lie & pretend. characters who are messy & flawed & human

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

realised that i haven’t shared my LL plushies here yet.

yea. these cost me £200 to commission from BunnyBeePlushies over on instagram. i love them so much.

#Ahhhh i want a sage plushie so bad #Gotta snuggle my little meowmeow man 😭

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

Ultimate Pokemon Tournament!

Generation 1 - Round 4 - Match 1

★ This poll is part of a project to determine Tumblr's favorite Pokemon! ★

Our Contestants:

★ Follow if you want to see new polls as they're made! ★ ★ Go here for more info about the project! ★ ★ Consider reblogging so that others can vote too! ★ ★ Don't forget to have fun, be kind, and have a wonderful day! ★

#This was so hard #I love them both 😭 #Had to stick with my main Bulby tho

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

No you cannot fix your entire life at 2am. Go to bed.

#Instructions unclear i cleaned my entire room instead.

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

Todays been rough.

It started out fine. I went out with my mom and things were good. Then i got home and got some unfortunate news. Took a shot of crown royal (it was disgusting) I've slept since then. Seems i sleep a lot lately.

I feel bad. Mostly for Freyja. I want to play with her. I want to do everything with her. But im struggling to do anything at all.

I worry about my SO. Were separated now. Which i suppose is good for me. I think he relied too much on me and my job. I've been struggling to carry us for a while now. And now he's on his own. Homeless. I hate it. I hate that i cant help. I hate that he has to suffer.

Logically i know its not my fault. Nor is it something i can fix. But that doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make the feelings go away.

I cant bring myself to do anything. I hoarded up games to play as a distraction for when i got here... But i cant bring myself to touch them. Cant bring myself to focus.. Im not sure what to do right now.

Like i said in my last post i dont exactly have friends... So asking anyone to come over is a big nope.

I guess ill sleep some more. Maybe ill go have a smoke.. If nothing else itll numb my feelings enough that maybe i can pick up something.

Good thing i dont work tomorrow. I dont think id be able to reign in the tears if anyone were to ask. I also would probably just get stressed and snap at someone who doesnt deserve it. Sigh.

#journal

[not-where-im-supposed-be]

Well... Hello, i guess.

Im not really sure what im doing with this tbh. My therapist suggested i start journaling some time ago. Ive never been good at writing my feelings, but seeing as i wont be able to afford her soon.. I guess i ought to start and try to make something of it.

My name is-...I probably should have come up with one before this. But then i likely would have never started. Lets go with Pip, for now.. Maybe ill change it later. (I hope i change it later.)

Anyway, im 29 this year. I just left my fiance.. Well, actually i just moved away. We're still in contact. Its complicated. Idk where that relationship sits right now. I dont have any friends to speak of, apart from my cat, Freyja.

(heres a picture of my sweet small lady)

(shes so beautiful 😭)

Yeah, i know.. 'whos only friend is a cat? Thats pitiful.'

Im not a super social person, ok? I like the quiet. And I have a very low social battery to begin with. That's not to say i don't want friends. I actually.. Really do. Im lonely. But im awkward and don't know how to start conversations, let alone keep them going. I also don't have a vehicle, and my city is not walkable, meaning I cant just... Go out and meet people at events or anything. (Honestly I dont know if I would be brave enough to go alone anyhow.)

I currently live with my mom, brother and step-father. Also complicated relationships. Mostly on my end. We get along but I feel a bit like a stranger most days.

I also work at a rinky-dink shop nearby. Itll probably go under with the new take-over and price-hikes. I don't really like it there but, hey, gotta afford cat food somehow.

So after 5 years of an admittedly unhealthy relationship and with an excessive amount of time to myself... I will now be trying to learn who i am. Took long enough, right?

Some things i know i like are:

Cats

Video games (i am terrible. But i enjoy them anyway- mostly for the story)

Anime and Manga

Reading- mostly fantasy and romance

Fuzzy blankets- or really anything cozy

Art- both making and appreciating

Baked goods

Sleeping. A lot.

Plants (i cannot keep them alive, however)

I guess thats it, really. Not sure what im doing with this, or what to post next time, but i guess we'll see what happens. Im not even sure anyone will wanna read this.

Maybe someone will relate. Maybe ill make some friends. Idk. In any case, this is the end of my first post. Heres hoping future me can look back on this and find herself in a far better place, both mentally and physically.

#journal #self improvement