nonamesnocourtmartials

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

2022 update

Spent most of the year being physically ill. Brain/folks are good. Cats are good. Body is sh*t.

Been in hospital for sepsis, and got the flu now.

Turned 60, and been concentrating on getting the body fixed.

Still don’t have anyone who’ll own it.

#psa 2022

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

Ah 2021....

We have had a pretty tumultous year so far, although June is shaping up to be really nice.

I’d tell you about it, but there are more TW than text. Lets just say my psychologist was really impressed with how well I coped. So were we.

I had a birthday in May, and am now the same age as my Dad when he died. We celebrated that by (a) starting to exercise and (b) forming a new member of team NoNamesNoCourtmartials. They are really great though - an ANP, who actually is able to negotiate with the littles to get things done. (Something that I was losing at). 

Now I’m actually managing to unclutter my home, and have energy for it. Who’d a thunk! :D

How’s everyone doing? Sorry I’ve been missing for so long.

#personal #did #good things do happen

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

2020 has been a shit year

I am alive.

The pandemic sucks, although I have loved not having to find excuses to not go out.

I have been having a depression for most of the Australian winter that is only now starting to ease.

I suspect I will continue to be missing until we feel better.

#life update

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

#something to remember

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#did #amnesia

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

Some of all of these are true - although setting boundaries is one I’ve worked on for quite a while, and I refuse to use guilt to manipulate.

#did #childhood emotional wounds

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

NoNames 2020 Really?

LMAO

#something silly

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

Still here

Just taking it day by day. The smoke from the bushfires is still triggering emotional flashbacks.  We’ve had rain the last 2 days, and today is the first day that I haven’t smelt the smoke. Which is a good thing.

Hoping the rain will continue to help both here and at the fires themselves.

Before the Fires:

During/After the Fires

The visibility has been worse than this, but it’s better than this at the moment.

The air quality is still marked as “very poor” and they’re advising people to stay indoors rather be out in it.

credit for pictures: Rhys on Twitter

https://twitter.com/samuelrhys_/status/1213934196915236865?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1213934196915236865&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.3aw.com.au%2Fsmoke-warning-why-melburnians-should-take-this-weird-haze-seriously%2F

#personal #bushfires

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

Did some googling and talked to my brother and sister this afternoon. Fires were in 1968, not 69.

I was at school.We were being evacuated to the Civic centre, but I managed to walk home instead. In the mean time Dad was trapped in Sydney, and Mum and my brother and sister were told to evacuate from the house. They drove down to the school but noone was there, they got to Great Uncle’s place and he didn’t want to go, so mum got very angry with him and he came. When they got to the Civic centre, I wasn’t there, so mum left my siblings with friends and came looking for me. Apparently we stayed overnight at the hall. My brother remembers being bored, hungry and tired. my sister remembers that we stayed overnight at the hall.

So that may explain why I’ve been feeling defeated, isolated and like I want to cry, but not afraid. The feelings have been lessening since I talked to them. So that’s good.

We still don’t know why I headed home rather than go to the evacuation centre - and how I managed to get away from the rest of the school and teachers.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a jigsaw puzzle to be solved rather than a life to be lived.

Personal Update

We’re fine. The Australian Bushfires are nowhere near us. However we do have the smell of bushfire and a haze from the bushfires - to be honest I don’t think there is anywhere in Australia nowadays that you can get away from that.

We’ve been spending a lot of time doing sims stuff, and immersing ourselves in heavy distracting.

I (the front person) am feeling pretty defeated at the moment - I think there are some parts that remember the 1969 bushfires and have gone into shutdown mode. But getting a lot of love and comfort from the cats, means that depression is being headed off at the pass.

We were 7 and at school when the Blue Mountains Bushfires came through. We were sent home at one point because the school was in danger, but our house was in danger too because the fire came right up the gorge. I have no memories of the fires (unsurprising - I have no memories of most anything) - but I am aware of them as an event.  And I know from my family talking about it, that there was personal danger at the time. My Great Uncle was evacuated from his home, and I *think* that it was after these fires that my grandparents moved to our hometown from their orchard. I do not know if their orchard was burnt down.

This is more information about our childhood than I have ever been privy to until recently. So I’m writing it down here so that when whoever remembers this stuff heads off, I don’t lose it all.

Pray/Send Healing thoughts/good vibes etc to the Firefighters, the people who are doing excellent compassionate help. Pray for rain. And tell ScoMo to get f*cked.

#more info #bushfires #personal #did

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

Personal Update

We’re fine. The Australian Bushfires are nowhere near us. However we do have the smell of bushfire and a haze from the bushfires - to be honest I don’t think there is anywhere in Australia nowadays that you can get away from that.

We’ve been spending a lot of time doing sims stuff, and immersing ourselves in heavy distracting.

I (the front person) am feeling pretty defeated at the moment - I think there are some parts that remember the 1969 bushfires and have gone into shutdown mode. But getting a lot of love and comfort from the cats, means that depression is being headed off at the pass.

We were 7 and at school when the Blue Mountains Bushfires came through. We were sent home at one point because the school was in danger, but our house was in danger too because the fire came right up the gorge. I have no memories of the fires (unsurprising - I have no memories of most anything) - but I am aware of them as an event.  And I know from my family talking about it, that there was personal danger at the time. My Great Uncle was evacuated from his home, and I *think* that it was after these fires that my grandparents moved to our hometown from their orchard. I do not know if their orchard was burnt down.

This is more information about our childhood than I have ever been privy to until recently. So I’m writing it down here so that when whoever remembers this stuff heads off, I don’t lose it all.

Pray/Send Healing thoughts/good vibes etc to the Firefighters, the people who are doing excellent compassionate help. Pray for rain. And tell ScoMo to get f*cked.

#personal update #did

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

me too.

Trying to figure out what your biggest issue is that needs to be talked about during your therapy session:

#did #therapy

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

Does this happen to anyone else?

You wake up, get up and do the necessaries (bathroom, coffee, feed cats), and you don’t recognise the energy, and then when they say “the kitchen is a mess, <insert body name here>, you need to do something about it” it’s a voice you’ve never heard come out of your mouth before.

There hasn’t been any new stressors to cause a new part, and I don’t know who they are from the past either.

They do make a good cup of coffee though.

#did #personal

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

Recovery is like cleaning out a house that’s been through a hurricane.  There’s mud a foot thick on the floors; some of the windows are cracked; there’s leaves stuck in cracks you didn’t know existed.

So unlike in the movies, there are no “breakthrough moments”, where you suddenly realize one thing and the whole house is clean.  Oh there may be important turning points – moments when you realize that those aren’t frosted windows, that’s dirt, and you need to clean it off, and that’s why it’s so fugging dark in here.  And that is an important breakthrough, in the sense that without it you would not succeed in cleaning the house, but then you still have to clean the windows.

Therapy is just someone who’s had experience with post-hurricane cleanup, Consulting over the phone, recommending tools and giving you advice. “Start with the floor,” they say, when you’re too overwhelmed to even begin, and they tell you what shovel to buy.  So you start shoveling, and it’s HARD, and you’re exhausted all the time, and you’ve only shoveled out the front hallway, and it feels like it’s never going to really get better.

But you do get good at shoveling, and slowly you build up your strength, and after a few months you can shovel as much as you need to, but there’s still a LOT of mud here, so it takes a year to get that shoveled out, and your house is still muddy and the windows are cracked (and frosted), and there’s still debris everywhere, and every time you walk around you’re stepping an a quarter-inch of mud, but you CAN walk around, you can get anywhere you need to go, and the house is still a fucking mess, you’re a fucking mess, a disaster not fit for human habitation, but on the other hand you can no longer convince yourself that “nothing’s ever going to work”.  It can get better.  You can point at things that used to be super-fucked-up and now are only moderately-fucked-up.  Progress is possible.

But then again, you’re not making any progress anymore. You thought you had the hang of it, but now the shovel isn’t working, and every time you shovel mud out of one place it slides into another and you’re not making any headway and you can barely pick up any mud with your shovel anyway and so maybe that was it – you had a nice run, but this is as good as it’s ever gonna get, you’re still gonna be fucked up forever, and you finally bring it up to your therapist, and they nod, and tell you to buy a hose.

So now you’re hosing down the floors, and that’s a new skill set to learn, and it splashes everywhere, and now you’ve got mud on your walls, but it does get the floor clear.  But you hosed out the front hallway, and then realized that to clear out the living room you’re gonna have to hose it out into the front hallway, which means the hallway’s just gonna get messy again, so then you have to redo the front hallway, but you start planning out which rooms to do in which order, so it goes pretty smoothly after that, until the day when you’ve got all the big mud puddles gone, but there’s still mud on the walls, and stuck in corners, and no matter how hard you spray you still end up with this thin coating of mud-dirt-dust on the floor after it dries, and honestly you’re making more of a mess than you are cleaning up a mess at this point. And you express your frustration, and the therapist tells you where to find, and how to use, a mop.

So you mop all the floors, and it’s actually looking pretty good, and you remembered to start mopping from the inside out, so that’s not a big deal, until you open a door and realize you forgot to shovel out the pantry. You didn’t think it could get into the pantry, with the door shut, but there it is, mud 3 inches thick, and the only way to get it out is to shovel it, and you’ll have to take it through the kitchen, so you have to shovel out the pantry, and then hose down the pantry, and then re-hose the kitchen, and then mop the pantry, and then re-mop the kitchen, and EUUURGHHHJHH.

But you’re really good at it, at this point, so it’s not like it’s a big deal.  It’s irritating af, and you’re sick to death of doing this, but it’s not scary, or overwhelming, or horrifying.  It’s just really, really annoying.

And the fact is, you will never be done cleaning.  Even if there’s never another hurricane, there’s dishes, and dust settling on counters, and spills, and mud tracked in after snowstorms, and laundry.  There’s not some magical moment when you’re “done”, and you can stop working forever (except possibly, depending on who’s right about the afterlife, after you die).  But you do reach a point where you it transitions from “impossible” to “meh, just a thing”

You do reach a point where you look around, and you’re kinda proud of what you’ve done You do reach a point where you recognize that your current tools aren’t doing the job you need, and you research and find and learn how to use a tool all on your own. You do reach a point where, when you see a storm coming, you know how to prepare for it, and you purchase and lay out all the supplies you need, and when the storm finishes, you can get your house back up and ready in practically no time at all. You do reach a point where storms aren’t so scary, because you know how to weather them and you know for a fact that you can recover from them. You do reach a point where friends ask you for tips on how to clean their houses You do reach a point where, every time you need a tool, it’s one you already posses. You do reach a point where you’ve replaced all the windows and sealed up all the cracks and replaced the insulation, and for the first time, you’re comfortable all the way through a winter. You do reach a point where someone compliments you on how clean and comfortable your house is. You do reach a point where you’ve done all the remediation, and you can start remodeling the house to fit your needs.

So yeah, it’s a lot of hard work that’ll never be done.  But it’s also so, so worth it.

#yes #accurate representation

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

I need to remember this. I’m on the guilt train at the moment. As well as episodes of “I’m making it all up because I’m a sick f*ck who likes the drama”.

Fortunately the denial episodes are only lasting a couple of hours. Guilt episodes are lasting a bit longer. :(

You Don’t Need To Feel Guilty. Really

One thing that often comes with chronic illness is a ton of guilt. It’s very understandable. Chronic illness means that for our own sake we need to break a ton of social conventions - things we’re told we should feel guilty about.

But I’ve been chronically ill a really long time now, nearly 25 years, so from someone who’s an old hand at this I want to absolve you.

It’s OK that people have to take care of you sometimes, or all the time. You don’t need to feel guilty for this.

It’s OK that people have to listen to you complain sometimes, or more than sometimes. You don’t need to feel guilty for this.

It’s OK that you have to cancel plans that you’ve made. You don’t need to feel guilty for this.

It’s OK that you can’t make it to work or class, or you can’t do good work when you’re there. You don’t need to feel guilty for this.

It’s OK that you can’t work or study at all because you’re ill. You don’t need to feel guilty for this.

It’s OK that you can’t do everything your relationship partners do. You don’t need to feel guilty for this.

It’s OK that you feel guilty for some of all of the above! You DEFINITELY don’t need to feel guilty for feeling guilty. I promise.

I know this is really hard. Society, and maybe your family, your boss, your professors, or your friends are telling you that you should be guilty. THEY ARE WRONG. You don’t have to believe them. Eventually, hopefully, you’ll get to a place in your life where you can surround yourself with people who believe in your worth and who will help remind you that guilt isn’t necessary.

Hang in there.

#guilt train

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

Personal Update

Being Crocheting like a madwoman, and simming, and sleeping.

I’ve got a deadline of this Friday for the crocheting stuff. I’ve shared it elsewhere on tumblr. if you want to see, pm me and I will show you a pic of what I’ve done so far.

Also seriously getting into Avi Kaplan’s solo music.

This is currently my personal anthem:

When the rain is all I see And the black cloud's coming for me Thunder-roll got me on my knees But then I'm back on my feet no stopping

Ain't nothing gonna take my fire Ain't nothing gonna crush my soul Nobody gonna make me a liar Gonna get up if I get down low, yeah

Get down and get down But I keep on climbing on it Get down and get down But I keep on climbing up

Don't matter if the wolves start calling Don't matter how much I'm falling yeah Get down and get down But I keep on climbing up

Walking on these weary bones Stepping down that lonely road And again I'm getting close To the end of my rope, and I'll hold it

Ain't nothing gonna take my fire Ain't nothing gonna crush my soul Nobody gonna make me a liar Gonna get up if I get down low, yeah

Get down…

#personal update #avi kaplan #get down

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

Simple Summary: How do you tell if a system is faking?

Answer: You don’t!!!

My Response to this video:

I think the real question is not about whether a system is faking, but whether what that system/person is saying is trustworthy or not.

The answer is when in doubt about trusting someone - don’t. Especially online, you don’t know people so don’t trust them until you have experienced them over a number of different situations and they have proved themselves trustworthy.

No one can tell another person what they’re experiencing and whether it is valid or not. To be honest, when people are gatekeeping in the DID community by determining who is valid and not - this sends up a danger signal in me. I’ve been burnt by gatekeepers in other communities before.

One thing I do know is that those with DID systems and those without DID Systems - they all need to be trustworthy before I’ll share any intimate details with them. The other thing that I know is if I see a person in pain, regardless of whether they have a system or not, then I want to have compassion for them, and if can be helpful, then I’ll be helpful.

Do not let gatekeepers hurt you.

#did #fake systems #gatekeepers

[nonamesnocourtmartials]

This came up on my facebook feed as well -

https://www.wisconsinmedicalsociety.org/professional/savant-syndrome/resources/articles/ancestral-or-genetic-memory-factory-installed-software/?fbclid=IwAR3_SMLU3EWAbJrp9gF6V8cdl4NZ-D-YyjMJF2ZRmAKBElr7n6aR8XIgRlw

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/10486479/Phobias-may-be-memories-passed-down-in-genes-from-ancestors.html?fbclid=IwAR1xvl0Gpw9IY-2oxX0Pv5K2kry9oUB_8WeMExgc_LA26GuImtWPdboE2yo

.

#intergenerational trauma #may be helpful?