myunicornsdontlie

[myunicornsdontlie]

During tax season I do not want to be bothered on Sat/ Sun. Like I get irritated if I can’t do what I wanna do. I don’t wanna socialize I don’t want to make small talk. I don’t wanna do anything that will make me feel excluded or minimized or feel less than or just overall not good or even the slightest annoyed. I just want to have good vibes do what I need to. I am not available unless I make myself available for myself and my needs. I know it’s selfish but I’ve been selfless for 26 years. I reach out I care all of the things but during these 5 months of the year I can’t. I just can’t. 😞

[myunicornsdontlie]

It’s been hard for me to keep my energy up. Even when I want to go out and get wild/ crazy I don’t have the energy to do so anymore. Or the willpower? Or the wanting-ness to socialize. I feel like I get more awkward and more awkward and also my speech starts to slur??? So fucken weird I hate it.

I also feel like I truly have adhd. Like I’m realizing more than ever it takes all that I have to focus on people in loud and crazy environments. It’s so silly it feels embarrassing. I used to feel overjoyed that I finally learned I have adhd. Now there’s things that are getting worse, like my attention span in the middle of convos if something else is going on.

I am working from home today and I have a direct report underneath me that I need to be there for. I don’t know if it was the suddeness of knowing I was going to be a leader to this person or if I just truly wasn’t ready, or if it’s my depression creeping back in.

And like many other things, it all comes back to family and belonging and how to move past relationships that don’t serve you or to hold on to more tightly those that do. How to properly express emotions at the correct time.

It’s very hard.

[myunicornsdontlie]

reblog to give the person you reblogged this from a little pumpkin 🧡

[myunicornsdontlie]

[myunicornsdontlie]

Imagine to be a part of a family that wants nothing less than to be a part of you.

I truly felt like I was connecting with my family. We were doing things together, hosting little parties, singing, dancing, wine, cheese, drinking, family parties.

I was very much starting to “feel” like I was wanted around. But that was never the case. I find myself getting more and more unhappy with life because I do want family. But I don’t want to create my own. And a part of me realizes I need to just get over that part that will die with me. But I feel guilt. Shame. Unhappiness. When my mom died a piece of me died with her, and that was the “reason” for it all. We never got to work through our issues, we never learned to be better humans together, I never got to say goodbye. How could I want to bring other life into this world if this is a possibility? This horrible feeling of unresolved and unhappiness that just sits there. Like it kinda doesn’t even bother me but it bothers me enough to crave a different life. It makes me crave that family that doesn’t want anything to do with me.

(And maybe that all sounds dramatic and maybe that’s not ACTUALLY how they feel on a surface level. But they only see what’s in front of them and that’s not me. Despite me telling them I am able, willing and eager to drive 2 & 1/2 hours back home for events. That I am willing to go out of my way to finish up whatever work stuff I have to do immediately in order to go see them. They never call, text, or INVITE ME, despite me always being around. AND to top it off, my dads always invited. But that’s another way my family is. Only a “They” are allowed.)

And maybe from that parenthesis’d paragraph you’ll see that it’s more than just something that doesn’t bother me. I’ve said my peace a thousand times and I know THEY will never change, maybe one person but not ALL of them. And I just wish I could get past these feelings of resentment and anger that boil to the surface of jealousy and sadness when i feel and get shown that I am not WANTED.

And a part of me wants to be a bitch. A part of me wants to just call them on their shit and just say something. But I am not that person. I don’t stand tall, I talk shit too. Just like them. I am more powerful with numbers and maybe that’s what I feel? No power? No control? An NPC? I don’t know. And maybe me saying I don’t know is that I just don’t want to get into it.

I just know that I talk to one family members literally almost everyday and I’ve explained how them not inviting me makes me feel. And then they legit stopped inviting me? I’m so confused and so hurt It doesn’t make sense.

I wish someone would tell me WHY. So I don’t get a chance to fix it? You’re just done? You’re just not going to try? You just gave up? You won’t give me peace of mind like everything else in my life??

My mom is dead.

My sisters a crackhead

My brothers a pedophile

My dads vulgar and misogynistic and an alcoholic.

I am loud when I drink & messy.

So? Because 1% of the time I mess up versus who I am as a person isn’t “correct” for that time the other 99% is thrown away? When they are like that 100% of the time without apologies??? It just fucking sucks!!! Do I have to be like them to be seen??? What about the first one?? Will that make me seen???

I’m getting angrier just thinking about it. I might have even harnessed more anger versus dispensing it like I thought this post would have done. Because I’ve thought about it. I’ve processed a little. I’ve actually dived into my brain that I keep on autopilot and “lol”. Because it’s truly not autopilot and “lol” behind everything I do. It’a a process, determination, and fear of becoming like them.

Imagine having the thought you would wait til your father passed away to get married? To wait til he passed away to get the house you deserve and kick your low-life siblings out of? Give them a taste of all the shit you’ve been feeling since you were a kid? The good girl didn’t have a room, she had a couch. The good girl didn’t get trust she got mistrust. I never drank until college, I never went to parties until college. I waited and waited and waited and waited to do things at an appropriate age and when I felt it all boil to the surface.

I didn’t get my own privacy until I was 18. And I know I’m painting my immediate family in bad light but the very first couple of paragraphs I was talking about my extended family of my dads. Hell even my moms if I’m being honest but I don’t crave their company. They’re weird and republican in the worst way possible, just white power and military. Real trumpies. But my dad family, except one is not like that. And even that one family member isn’t really like that. And even if they ARE they don’t force their beliefs or conversations or thoughts onto others like my moms family does. Because they are white. And they feel like they own the world.

gosh this post got so out of hand. I’m tired and I’m not getting to the damn point.

All in all. I crave a family that doesn’t crave me. And that’s a weird way to put it but they just don’t care. If I died they’d go to the funeral and then be doing the same thing they’re doing now. And maybe some of them would be happy. A lot of them are religious but literally all, and I mean All and every religious person I ever met just believes in order to be forgiven. DONT forgive yourself. Hold yourself accountable, be a better human that you preach to become. Because if you keep forgiving yourself for certain things, you’ll just end up oblivious to those you’re actually massacring around you.

Thank you for coming to my extremely long winded Ted talk.

[myunicornsdontlie]

Reflecting while eating alone at a restaurant for the first time maybe… ever? Like a restaurant restaurant. Not Panda Express or like McDonald’s. But I’m at a Thai place eating by myself and I can tell I’ve grown emotionally and mentally. I got into a fight with my girlfriend of 7 years and the thought of eating alone 7 years ago would have made my anxiety spike through the roof. It would have made me do some things I wouldn’t have been proud of. It would have made me nervous and lonely.

And maybe it’s because I know I have someone to go back home to. But, it surely feels great just eating alone and enjoying my own company and feeling like I am my own person without someone, as much as I am with someone.

#growth #lgbtq #relationships #lesbihonest #mental health

[myunicornsdontlie]

Idk what it is but I feel like I’m letting my moms spirit down. I am not completely fulfilled in life. I have a job that pays me well. I have a partner who loves me. I have close friends who love me and I love them. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or why I feel like I’m doing something wrong but it just feels like there’s something missing.

Sometimes I truly just want to restart my life. Would my family even miss me? How long would it take for my friends & girlfriend to get over my disappearance? Would my absence leave their lives better off?

I wonder how my mom dealt with not feeling in control of things that happened to her. I know she loves my dad but they fought so much it was hard to get a clear picture of complacency in a relationship. So is this why I feel this way?

My friends are all busy and have lives of their own, which is expected and I’m happy for them and they are for me, but I don’t feel close anymore. Obviously physically and mentally. I think I create my own separation between people sometimes and I don’t know why. Is THIS why I feel this way?

And then my family. (The pause in my head and the deep breathe I needed to take to finish typing this makes me feel like this is why I feel this way, butttt) When I was younger I grew up around most of my moms family. My dads family outcasted my mom for her probably simply being white and probably bc of her personality. She’s the type that makes you love her. She’s kind, thoughtful and always like to be in the know. She bought Christmas presents for every family member. Always. Both sides of the family hers and my dad. I just recently within the last 5 years started getting closer to my dads family, and within the last year & 1/2 closer to my cousins. I didn’t realize how much I really needed that type of support system. My dad loves me but he doesn’t understand the new generation and what is acceptable. I don’t even know if he really accepts me being gay. I truly don’t know. And then I come to find out that my family does things without me. I’ve told them all, including my dad that I literally would like to be apart of whatever they do and that an invitation would be nice. OR literally tell me something is happening but don’t want me around. I feel like they think it will either hurt my feelings or whatever but you know what I think they actually just forget about me lol. It’s so sad. I feel anger I feel unloved. When I know there are other people like my friends and girlfriend who love me! So why do I feel this anger and hurt ?? It sucks because I’ve actually talked to my family and my dad and given them an idea of how it hurts me. And still nothing. Nobody tells me anything, I only live 2 hours away. I like driving.

Also my family is homophobic and a tad materialistic lol. So there’s also another part of me that’s like.. why do I even try? They will never stand up for me. They will never see me and acceptable? I’m too fat to be in pictures. So why do I even try to gain their love, gain fun times with them? It hurts, physically and mentally to be around them knowing I’ll be forgotten about or a butt to their jokes. I’m mentally strong like my mom and dad raised me to be but keeping this shit in and not having an outlet sucks too. It sucks to make jokes or put an “lol” at the first of texts when I’m hurt because I just get so tired of explaining my feelings. It’s fucked up and it just makes things worse.

A part of me wants to have my own family someday in order to create a life for myself where I am fulfilled and I love my child with all the care and compassion that was lost w me.

I just know not enough people, including myself I guess, in my life have shown what it means to care for someone, they just use their words hoping you believe them. But seeing it would be nice right about now.

[myunicornsdontlie]

What’s amazing is that I’m far away from the people I love the most and would drive hours to see, they would never actually do the same thing for me. And it feels like I’m in high school again wanting to run away from those feelings of being out of place and unheard in multiples of situations.

When I was younger I couldn’t escape the feeling that I was being held back by something. And when that feeling faded and I got to see the world I ended up on the same path to do it again. How can I Escape this way of thinking or escape what’s putting me here. How do I cut ties with the only level of thinking I know?

[myunicornsdontlie]

How am I supposed to sit here and act normal when you text me when you haven’t texted me and I just want to tell you I love you but you don’t want to hear that right now and it has been killing me all day and I’ve broken down every once in a while and I finally made my first therapy appointment and all I wanted to do was tell you but this is what we’ve been talking about foreve rand it sucks that you’ll just tell me it’s what I needed. But it is what I’ve needed I just don’t want you to also think I’m not talking to you bc I want to and I know you don’t want me to rn but I want to and I’m sorry.

[myunicornsdontlie]

I feel suffocated in life. I’m not free.

[myunicornsdontlie]

I started using Head and Shoulders ten years ago for itchy scalp and dandruff, and then for ten years I have not had itchy scalp and dandruff, so I thought "why do I still buy shampoo to combat itchy scalp and dandruff when I do not have itchy scalp and dandruff," so I stopped buying the shampoo for itchy scalp and dandruff and can you guess I have now? Can you predict what currently afflicts me? It's alright if you can't because apparently I fuckin couldn't either

[myunicornsdontlie]

Castle can make me laugh out loud at 2am. It makes me giddy for love and shows me a strong female character. After my mom passed away, I should have been watching this show instead of Greys Anatomy. So much death and so much real life. I needed a good laugh and an independent woman showing me she doesn’t need someone to help her out when she’s feeling crazy and down. I didn’t have money then, so maybe it’s good that I’m watching it now Bc I would have been broke AND sad lol.

[myunicornsdontlie]

So damn horny for no reason all of a sudden

[myunicornsdontlie]

This is exactly how I used to feel before I joined my fraternity. I had no friends coming into a new place and it was so hard for me to get out and just go and talk to people in my classes Bc like.. I have no idea. But all it took was one person in my accounting class to introduce me to people I love and care about today 🥺

October 10 is Mental health day

#pascalcampion

[myunicornsdontlie]

October 10 is Mental health day

#pascalcampion

[myunicornsdontlie]

im gonna shit

[myunicornsdontlie]

This is the 10th one of these flowers Slash has stolen and brought home.