mysuckyliferants
Muffins
To anyone who knows what ‘muffins’ actually means- You are a genius! A blog about random shit :(
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for the first time in the longest time, i feel really happy. its not that i haven't felt happy before, its just that that happiness hasnt felt sustainable in a long time.
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I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM WITH A BURNING PASSION. I ABSOLUTELY HATE HIM FOR DOING WHATEVER TF HE DID TO ME AND WHATEVER TF HE IS DOING RIGHT NOW. I HATE HIM FOR OFFERING ME A BLANKET AND THEN LEAVING ME TO DIE. I HATE HIM FOR DROPPING ME LIKE HIS USED UP FUCKING CIGARETTE, STOMPING ON ME AND PICKING UP A NEW ONE! I HATE HIM AND I HATE THAT HE MAKES ME HURT ☹️
but i'm strong. i'm not going to let him fuck me up. not even close. never.
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Blog #1 Three reasons I don't blog
October 9, 2022
For a long time I've been hesitant to make a public blog. It's not because I suck or don't have much to say – okay actually, scratch that – it's not only because I suck and don't have much to say, but also because in journalling, I firstly reveal some personal facts that I get scared to be recognized by even though literally not a single person I know IRL uses tumblr; secondly, I reveal some personal feelings, that presenting to a potential online audience that has reached a spectacular high of two people per post in my lifetime, makes me feel vulnerable; and finally, because as you can see I have a special attachment to someone called run-on-sentences-and-long-paragraphs-that-make-no-coherent-sense-outside-of-my-mind (*sigh* there's something so sexy about them) and making a public blog would require tweaking my raw thoughts into something more coherent for mere comprehensibility that I thought would jeopardize their authenticity. (Now, if you're thinking me saying the words "comprehensibility" and "jeopardize" is what I mean by tweaking my raw thoughts and being inauthentic, then no. I often use those types of words, what can I say I like being a fancy-ass-bitch. What I mean by being inauthentic is for example, the capitalization of the title of this very blog that I would instead just write as something mundane and cryptic like "blogging" or "procrastination", adding certain apostrophes in "it's'" and don'ts", correcting typos or capitalizing words like "I" or "F" that follow a period or anything in general that in any way shows that I give a shit. Because my raw thoughts just look like this:
"blogging
for a long time i've been hesitetant to make a public blog. its not because i suck or dont have much to say .... period.")
As cool as that looks, as an artist "you have to kill some of your babies". Yes, that is an actual thing people say. And so, since I kind of want to do this thing, I will put in the effort.
This post was supposed to be about procrastination and how I'm procrastinating something important by writing this post because basically, I'm kinda fucked up but turns out I was even more afraid of writing this so not only did I finish most of the urgent work I was required to do, but I also read almost every single post on this account and cringed really hard just so I didn't have to write this. Funny how procrastination works, so I guess the next time you decide to procrastinate, do it with a task that you find worse than the one you procrastinated in the first place.
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i'm done trying hard. i'm just done with everything really. i just need to figure some things out now and find something to tunnel vision over.
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i think he has a girlfriend. hehe. thank god, at least my stupid love story is over before it has started. just for future reference i kinda suspected this when i saw a ring in his ring finger consistently there, his ig is linked to someone i assumed was a friend but might be her. and to be completely honest, no i don't know for sure and there could still be a crazy explanation for this, but honestly speaking, i don't really need one? i'm kinda afraid to find out more, plus it also explains his behaviour. i was just thinking about how shitty is it that so soon after jam i'm back into one of these shitholes. so i guess i'm at least free again, thank god. i can now truly focus on myself, and my future - whatever that is. fuck me, 😔😩 gosh i'm just so fucking tired of bs. everything seems so cloudy and fucking negative as if the past three rainy winter days have prolonged for so long. at least i don't have to pretend to live my life by his terms now. and secondly, i can finally just not give a shit and try out being not so much of a try hard. since i've tried that before, let's hope this strategy works at least.
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hey, thought i'd rant about some things. these days i'm trying to devoid myself of any thoughts by submerging in media consumption. i do feel like doing something creative but it is quite scary to put your face out there y'know. but i guess a podcast-type thing probably defeats the purpose of why i started/wanted to do youtube in the first place. i overshared a while back to a friend and for the first time i don't feel very guilty about it, but i did have a full-on melt down 20 minutes before going out with my friends and putting up the normal-est face ever. then, i just witnessed a guy doing the kindest thing i've ever seen recently by ordering food for a person he barely knows, asking him to pay him back later from a place that he isn't even in. it's hard to explain how it made me feel but i am so sick of formality and the existence of walls even between the closest of friendship and it was quite refreshing to see. it made me feel relieved in a way but i wonder what will happen if i do count on that sort of a thing too often. i keep thinking i'm in the wrong crowd of people and i don't know how to find the right one, but maybe i'm too fast in judging them. i really don't know what's happening to me but i'm honestly going to summarize what it was that i overshared to my friend. the jist of it was basically the fact that i hate myself. haha. sounds super funny to say it/write it out but, um, it's true i guess. i mean that's not all there is to the story but it's the jist i guess. well, simplification aside, the real problem tbh is that i don't know who i am. i, feel super disconnected with myself, really. i find it comfortable to hang out with people who know me/think they know me better than i do myself so that i know how to behave around them. but whenever i meet any new people, i have a full-on identity crisis. it's easy to say "love yourself" and i can do taht, except, to love myself i would have to know what are the qualities i do love about myself, hell, what are some qualities that i hate right now but can make myself love. but honestly, i don't know what qualities i have! i mean, what am i? i feel like a person with no personality and i have nothing that i can say surely about myself and it's this whole thing that i don't wish to explain but i really don't know what the fuck to do. i keep thinking about my future and how everything is going to change and thoughts about the future of humanity in general makes me feel like we are all fucked. that's all i can think really, but it's the truth. i don't know, maybe i'm just hormonal and might change how i feel but i don't know how to cope with this except avoid the mention of any feelings.
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I saw a photo posted by someone today and saw a girl in the background and thought to myself, “she looks really cool”. I realized later that the girl was actually me, which is a huge improvement for my self-confidence and self-esteem lol✌️
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I went to the psychiatrist about this and he gives me his two precious minutes and says “You look fine I don’t think you need any medication.”
First post after a while. The other day, this girl I know texted me. She, was a classmate (was as in I graduated last month), asking me to meet up “without telling anyone please”. Having been ignored by most people at my school (including her), been left out of group hang outs and conveniently forgotten unless something was needed of me, I had had enough of this school and the people in it who seemed the like nicest lot but could not manage to hold up any conversation that was not totally superficial. I had kept things on a conversational basis with most of my “friends” at school without expecting any form of real friendship from any of them, trying to get busy on my own, figuring out my passions, and being quite satisfied in general, when I get a text from this girl with the nicest of words — a “heyyy” with the triple “y” and “how are youuuuu”, “this is [insert girl name]”, “i got your number from []” — which were honestly like a blast from the past. For a moment I thought, “Someone cares, and didn’t forget me in the five weeks that have passed since school ended?” Fast forwarding to when she asked me to meet up, I replied with a “is there anything specific, or just in general?” to confirm my inner insecurity shouting at me with “she probably doesn’t care” and my inner angel whispering, “maybe she just wants to hang out with you and tell you that you were actually a really a really good friend and she would like your advice about something” and obviously I chose to listen to the whisper because that’s what keeps us going isn’t it?
Her: oh about something specific.
Me: oh what is-
Her: how long does it take to make a website?
How tf am I supposed to react to that? I mean, you don’t contact someone for months, conveniently forget about them during invitations to group hang outs and you start the conversation with a “hey how are u”, wait for the other person to reply, get invested and then reveal that all along it wasn’t them you cared about but this distant skill they probably mentioned they had? I mean if that’s all you want from them why not just LEAD WITH THAT??
These days I’m convinced that people only talk to me when they need something from me. And I wonder if that’s just me. May be that’s true for most people today. Have we become that fucking commercial that the only reason we have any human contact is because we want something material from them? It’s bullshit. I fee myself being ignored, and lied to, and maybe I’m just a huge ass attention seeker but hanging out with other people these days has just been me stressing out about whether they even really care about me or what I’m saying.
It’s not that there aren’t people who listen. Any time I meet someone new they are the nicest, but the moment I start getting invested in the possibility of a real friendship more that just acquaintanceship, I get hugely disappointed. That really makes me wonder, am I that boring of a person? And if I am, how do I know? How do I fix it? Is there anyone who can tell me that? Or is all this anxiety just in my head? Maybe everyone really likes me but my my mind just projects all my insecurities onto other people? Or are all the people I meet douchebags?
If I tell my parents or my bestest friend this, they are just gonna say “Stop worrying about these things. That’s not true. Everything is gonna be fine.” I went to the psychiatrist about this and he gives me his two precious minutes and says “You look fine I don’t think you need any medication.” But what if everything is not going to be fine? What if everything is not fine? What do I do then?
I was seeing a counsellor but I can’t see her now because of technical reasons and that is really fucking unfortunate. The next time I can see a counsellor (a different one) is in September. So I guess I just wait till then.
I don’t know, so that’s what’s been on my mind lately. I don’t know if anyone reads this but yeah, if you have any comments.
July, 23 ‘22
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the fundamental problem with my argument is that when people are told an opposing opinion, they don't go "ah, that's so true. she's so smart," they go, "uh gosh. what a dimwit liberal who doesn't understand." so yeah. basically fucked.
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i have always known that airpods are waterproof, but i never thought that my tears would be the thing this feature would be so useful for.
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fuck – societal judgement
I feel like shit, shit. Ugh, lol. I get soo. fucking. scared. of societal judgement. Like so fucking scared. I hate putting myself out there, I hate being judged, I hate that even when I do it, nothing comes of it. I hate that I am so awkward, I hate this shitttttt. And maybe everyone isn't judging me. Maybe, I mean not even maybe, it's literally narcissistic to think that people care about every single thing I do but right now, those are not the things I'm afraid of even. i just- I hate this bullshit. bullshit. bullshit, awkwardness and pain and awkwardness and cringe, and awkwardness and embarrassment. I just hate it. I hate it, but I still act wreckless, and I think that's a good thing and I guess its better to be embarrassed than forever be afraid of showing people who you are but I guess there is a midground of being strategic but I never got that. I just never did. I hate people, I hate that I'm so fucking awkward every single time I talk to anyone. I hate that for every word I say, there is a voice at the back of my head sayong "they are judging you".
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