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moviemagistrate · 4 years
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ONCE UPON A TIME
IN HOLLYWOOD review
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ONCE UPON A TIME
IN HOLLYWOOD is my favorite movie of the 2010’s. 
I’ll give you a minute to put your recently-blown mind back together.
So why do I love this movie so much? The overall response to Quentin Tarantino’s supposedly penultimate opus has been very positive if not rapturous, but I’ve seen some surprisingly lukewarm and even negative reviews, with people criticizing it for being slow, meandering, lacking in depth or *shudder* boring. Obviously the quality of any movie is subjective, as I’m quick to remind anyone who hates Michael Bay movies, but I honestly don’t understand people who dislike OUATIH. Maybe it’s a matter of expectations, because I didn’t know how to feel about the film for much of the first time I watched it either.
The year is 1969, a time of great political and cultural change in the country and in the entertainment industry. The star-driven films of yesteryear are giving way to grittier, artsier, more auteur-driven works as we primarily follow Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio), former star of a popular cowboy show whose failed attempt to start an A-list movie career has left him relying on guest spots as TV villains-of-the-week to stay afloat. This is wonderfully laid out in the opening scene where he meets casting director Marvin Schwarz (Al Pacino, easily his best role since JACK & JILL), who lays out Rick’s lowering hierarchical status (“Who’s gonna kick the shit out of you next week? How about Batman & Robin? PING. POW”), while offering him an opportunity to be a leading-man again in Italian pictures.
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Tagging along is Rick’s best, and maybe only, friend Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt), Rick’s go-with-the-flow stunt-double who in the slowdown of Rick’s career has effectively become his driver and gofer, as well as Rick’s sole source of emotional support. Rick is also neighbors with Sharon Tate (Margot Robbie), the beautiful young actress and wife of then-superstar director Roman Polanski (whose inclusion in the film is minimal and handled tastefully), as she lives out her idyllic life, beloved by those around her like the ray of sunshine she was in real life. Her gated, hillside home looms over Rick’s, as he ponders aloud about how even meeting her the right way could resurrect his career.
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For almost two-and-a-half hours, we follow these three characters as they just live out their lives, Rick nursing hangovers and having emotional breakdowns in front of his 8-year-old co-star on set while contemplating his future, Cliff going where the wind blows him while taking care of his adorable and highly-trained dog, and Sharon as she drives around Old Hollywood, spends time with her friends, and sneaks into a matinee showing of one of her movies, her eyes and infectious smile beaming with pride when the audience laughs at her comedic timing and cheers her martial-arts prowess.
I think it’s safe to say it’s not the film any of us were expecting from Quentin Tarantino. Having only made loud, gory, over-the-top genre pastiches for the last 15 years, you’d expect from the trailers for this to be about an actor and his sexy stunt-double getting mixed up with the Manson family before teaming up with Bruce Lee to save Sharon Tate from her horrific real-life fate, mixed with the filmmaker’s usual self-indulgent homages to films of yesteryear. While some of this is true to some extent, it’s surprisingly a much more relaxed, easygoing dramedy that follows a trio of funny, charismatic people as they just
exist, as people living in the moment instead of relics.
OUATIH is much more concerned with atmosphere, character, and capturing the feeling of a bygone era than the traditional narrative structure. It’s more effective than pretty much every nostalgia trip movie I've ever seen because you can feel Tarantino's affection for this era of his childhood bleed through every character, car, song, radio advertisement, TV show, background poster, etc. It’s through this meticulous level of detail and willingness to just hang out with these characters and take in this world that he reconstructed, Tarantino successfully resurrects the era in all its 35mm glory, but with the knowing twinge of real-world melancholy.
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I guess the reason I love it so much is because the love that Tarantino has for everything and everyone in it is so tangible that it’s infectious. Watching OUATIH I honestly felt like I understood him better as both a filmmaker and as a person. He shows a level of restraint and maturity I haven’t seen since JACKIE BROWN. Even most of his trademark foot fetishizing is tasteful and subdued (I say “most” because I recall at least three close-ups of actresses’ feet that definitely made him a bit sweaty behind the camera). He’s a weird, shameless nerd with a big ego, but he’s 100% sincere about expressing his love for film and its rich history. And it’s this love, and the skill and style with which it’s expressed, that just put a big smile on my face each of the 6 (SIX) times that I’ve seen it since it came out. 
Tarantino offers a tantalizing contrast between reality and fantasy. Throughout the film, as the characters of Hollywood live in their own idyllic world, relaxing in pools or driving around in bitchin’ cars, we also see the disquieting eeriness and griminess of the Manson family. The soundtrack and accompanying old-timey commercials for tanning butter or Mug Root Beer that plays through a lot of the film is a joy to listen to, but we also hear news bulletins of the war in Vietnam or the aftermath of the Bobby Kennedy assassination. You could argue this is just to set the scene for the era, but it feels too deliberate, because even after that joyously fantastical ending, we remember that it was just a fairy tale and real life didn’t turn out as pleasantly. Tarantino’s ability to make his world and characters so meticulously detailed and lived-in works to great effect in instilling a bittersweet melancholy to this film in a way I was really taken aback by. It feels like a window into his soul, someone who yearns for the fantasy of the world he grew up in but remembering that not all good things last and not everything in your nostalgic past was good to begin with.
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One beautiful, spellbinding scene is Rick and Cliff coming back from their excursion into the world of Italian filmmaking. In this montage, we see Rick, Cliff and Rick’s new Italian wife arriving at the airport and driving home before unpacking their baggage, interspersed with Sharon Tate welcoming a guest at her home and having lunch, before cutting to a series of shots of famous LA landmarks like Grauman's Chinese Theatre, Taco Bell, and Der Wienerschnitzel all meticulously resurrected in their retro glory as they light up the night. “Baby, baby, baby you’re out of time”, sings Mick Jagger as we’re watching multiple stories about people who are each embodying those words: Rick’s career, his friendship with Cliff, Sharon Tate, and Hollywood itself.
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Tarantino himself feels like one of the last mainstream auteur filmmakers, as well as one of the last and biggest proponents of shooting large-budget movies on film (even Scorsese’s embraced digital now, the fantastically-talented traitor). And with the rise of streaming services, one can’t help but feel like the movie-going experience itself is also becoming obsolete, especially recently, what with theaters going to war with distributors over fucking TROLLS: WORLD TOUR, not to mention that global pandemic we’ve been having lately all but killing general audiences’ enthusiasm for the movie theater experience (Christopher Nolan’s TENET certainly didn’t help). If all these things, both real and fictional, are indeed out of time, then at least with Tarantino’s penultimate film they get one hell of a bittersweet sendoff, a great time that’s more of an Irish wake than a funeral, and it’s a film I have no issue calling a truly introspective, late-career masterpiece.
And that’s without mentioning uniformly incredible cast. Leo DiCaprio, an actor I normally don’t care too much for, gives the best and funniest performance of his career as a dependent prima donna actor clinging to his remaining fame. Brad Pitt earns the hell out of his Oscar as an embodiment of old-school masculinity and charisma with an amazing set of abs (and everything else) whose outward coolness masks his mysterious past and complete badass-ness. Margot Robbie shines in her depiction of Tate, a beacon of warmth and likability who in many ways symbolized the love and carefree attitudes of the swingin’ 60’s. I’ve heard people criticize her character for not having a lot of dialogue, but to me it feels like they’re ignoring the visual storytelling, which just gives way to them assuming the film is sexist just because the female lead isn’t constantly monologuing. Every member of the supporting cast is memorable with their own quirks and great lines, no matter their screentime.
And of course, it wouldn’t be a Tarantino joint without some truly hilarious and shocking violence, and without going into spoiler territory, the last 20 minutes delivers on this promise to such a degree that I feel comfortable calling it the best thing he’s ever done. Some may decry the climax as unnecessary or over-the-top, but the way it leads to an alternate world while subtly acknowledging what happened in the real one is cathartic beyond belief. And if you’re paying attention, every scene in the movie has been quietly building towards this finale, which to me takes away any potential of feeling meandering in the story. If you saw the movie and didn’t much care for it, I recommend giving it another watch. Having the context ahead of time makes it feel so much more rewarding, and even on the fifth watch I’m noticing clever, subtle set-ups I missed beforehand.
It’s also just super cozy and really easy to watch. The two hours and 45 minutes fly by. I could watch a 4-hour version of this.
Quentin, if you’re reading this, please don’t let your last movie be Star Trek.
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moviemagistrate · 5 years
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2018 Movie Year-in-Review
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All the 2018 films I saw, ranked from worst to best. This will probably be the last time I do one of these, so thank you to those who have read them so far.
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85. Holmes & Watson
I suppose the best way to judge a movie that sells itself as a comedy is to note how often you laughed. Well I counted here; I chuckled twice (once during a scene where John C. Reilly tries to commune telepathically for the first time, and once during an Elephant Man reference that none of the fat mouth-breathers in the audience got), and there were three moments that almost worked. For example, a scene where Reilly and an American doctor played by Rebecca Hall make saucy gestures at each other while licking cake off a cadaver could have been funny if the scene had kept going and got grosser and sillier, but they just stop before the bit really got going. It’s these few moments that lead me to conclude that while the film has some decent comedy ideas, it was written and directed by someone who has seen a lot of comedies but has no idea how to make one themselves.
The problem is that the film just doesn’t have a consistent direction in how it wants to be funny. A comedy like this should either be committed to your standard setup/punchline jokes and situations based on a storyline, or to the anarchic stupidity of something like “Step Brothers”. Instead it tries to find some awkward middle ground between the two, flipping back and forth between painfully dragged-out improv riffing, trying to have an actual plot, or relying on stupid slapstick or potty humor, which it doesn’t even do right. Compare the puking scene here, where Will Ferrell is squeamish at a morgue and quickly vomits in a garbage can before dry heaving several times after, to the scene in “Team America: World Police”, which goes so far and so long in projectile vomiting that it becomes arguably the funniest scene ever made about bodily fluids. One works because it gradually escalates the joke, the other fails because it just repeats it to diminishing effect. The plot about Holmes and Watson trying to foil the Queen’s assassination is toilet-paper thin (which is appropriate since that’s what the script was probably written on, and I don’t mean with a pen), so the film feels slow and disjointed as they get themselves from one “whacky” situation to another.
I didn’t expect the film to be good (at all), but after watching it, it’s astounding to see the level of talent that gets wasted on this crap. An impressive supporting cast including Hall, Lauren Lapkus, Steve Coogan, Kelly Macdonald, Hugh Laurie (in a one-minute scene where he’s not even asked to stand up) and RALPH GODDAMN FIENNES are all left to flounder as they desperately try to mine something funny out of this pathetic material. Reilly is likeable and pretty funny, but in a reflection of the film’s plot, he’s constantly held down by Will Ferrell, who is just awful here. Ferrell has a habit of being the least funny person in his movies, but it’s just embarrassing how unfunny he is here. Ferrell was frequently gold on SNL, but his movie career just shows how he’s best in limited doses. His annoying British accent only exacerbates the scenes where he just keeps talking in hopes that he’ll find something funny to say, like he’s at a comedy show and there’s a gunman forcing him to stay on stage.
Really, the only positives I can say about my experience watching this film was that it was only 90 minutes long, and that I didn’t spend any money on the ticket. My friend with whom I saw the movie put it best; “If I was from the Midwest, and grew up on a farm, and was retarded, I’d probably find ‘Holmes & Watson’ very funny.” As it is, the funniest part of the film was when the ticket-boy told us to “enjoy the movie”.
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84. The Hurricane Heist
No, this is not some Sy-Fy Original Movie that I caught on TV while half passed-out on vodka and Xanax. This was an actual motion picture released in theaters (shockingly not in January, Hollywood’s usual dumping ground), was directed by experienced action director Rob Cohen, and has actors that
well, that belong in a Sy-Fy original movie. Starring Victor Von Doom from “Fant4stic”, the daughter from “Taken”, and the dad from “The VVitch”, “The Hurricane Heist” tells the tale of a group of thieves that rob a US Treasury facility during a Category 5 storm, and of the brave Treasury agent and a dorky meteorologist who try to stop them.
Obviously this isn’t highbrow art, but at least having an actual director ought to make this schlocky good fun, right? The thing is, this movie is not only really boring (thanks in no small part to that star-studded cast, and a script that feels like it’s been kicking around Hollywood dustbins for a couple of decades), it’s actually so aggressively stupid that it goes too far and becomes anger-inducing. The biggest problem is that the thieves opt for a non-lethal heist, subduing and tying up the treasury agents to finish their mission. The mission itself is to steal money that was going to be destroyed anyway, so it’s not like anyone would miss it. They’re about to subdue the Treasury agent, when she is “rescued” by the meteorologist, and their subsequent attempts to stop the thieves lead to many people getting killed. It’s the sheer fucking idiocy of this premise that not only makes the protagonists impossible to root for, it makes the movie as a whole feel kind of mean-spirited and hard to enjoy. It’s a shame, because you could tell Cohen at least tried to maximize his modest $30 million budget by including lots of real stunts and practical effects, especially in the finale, but the utter disdain I had for this film’s story shut that admiration down.
The sole moment of fun I had in this movie is when a character threw a hubcap into the air and the gale-force winds cause it to impale a bad guy down the street. The rest was just my initial sense of excitement at seeing fun trash slowly wither away into angry boredom and eventually outright contempt. Put it this way; I’m the type of guy who likes seeing films called “The Hurricane Heist”, and
even I can’t recommend this garbage.
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83. Vice
I remember seeing Adam McKay’s previous recent-history satire “The Big Short” back in 2015 and liking it a lot, but now after seeing his follow-up “biopic” about Dick Cheney, I’m seriously reconsidering it. To say that “Vice” is bad is an understatement; it’s so bad, so atrociously fucking awful, that it actually lessens my opinion of an unrelated movie that I genuinely liked.
I said “biopic” in sarcastic quotation marks because while the basic narrative is about Dick Cheney’s rise from alcoholic college dropout to arguably the most powerful VP in American history, the film is actually much more interested in the same 4th-wall-breaking meta-commentary from “The Big Short”, just with a more smug, lecture-y vibe to it. “Vice” doesn’t just want you to know the evil shit that Cheney has done; it wants you to know how stupid you are for not knowing it and for “letting” it happen, and worse, how clever it thinks it is for telling you. Considering how I was age 6-14 during the Bush administration, I figure the film is less for me and more for the people who were adults at the time. Hindsight’s 20/20, but that’s not good enough for Adam McKay, who seems to insinuate that we should have stormed the White House with pitchforks and torches and lynched Cheney as soon as we invaded Iraq. Pretty much any time it stops being a film about characters and their interactions and more about narration and jokey asides (which is very often), it becomes insufferably smug. It’s worth noting that I agree with a lot of the film’s politics, but I hate its approach and condescending nature so much that it makes me want to vote Republican out of spite.
It’s a shame, because there are hints of a good movie buried underneath all the bullshit. When the film actually focuses on characters talking and plotting and contemplating, it’s actually somewhat engrossing. This is chiefly due to the cast and how good they are at embodying their roles. Christian Bale in particular is captivating as Cheney, giving one of his most subtle but impressive performances as a quiet, ambitious bureaucrat whose greed and lust for power takes him to the top. I was particularly surprised that the film even humanizes him at parts, showing him to be a loving father and husband during the scenes with his family (the best scene in the movie is where his daughter Mary comes out to her parents). But even these flashes of quality are undone by the film’s lack of interest in who Cheney is. I can’t recall a single time where the film attempts to explain his motivations for the things he did in office, or what he’s trying to accomplish in the end, because again, the film is more interested in lecturing the audience in how they should feel about it, rather than giving us a reason to care.
And even if you like being talked down to and don’t care about story and characters, the film is a mess, both structurally and visually. The plot is fairly linear, narrated by a character played by Jesse Plemons whose eventually-revealed connection to Cheney almost made my eyes roll out of my head, but is frequently interrupted by cutesy visual asides, flashbacks, and archival news footage which just feel like band-aids for a script that doesn’t know how to tell a story through characters and dialogue. And my god, does the film look like absolute shit. If you liked the shaky-cam/close-up visual “style” of “The Big Short”, you’ll be pleased to hear that McKay’s already-crappy eye for visuals has developed cataracts. Even the editing feels like it was done by an adolescent, scenes frequently ending on a character beginning a sentence, like the film is trying to cut on a joke that isn’t even funny.
Speaking of which, while he handled mixing comedy and tragedy much better in “The Big Short”, McKay’s smug attitude and desire to lecture only exacerbate the film’s jarring shifts in tone, showing Steve Carrell hamming it up in his Prison Mike voice as Donald Rumsfeld in one scene, and showing on-the-ground footage of 9/11 in another. You could splice a scene from “Cannibal Holocaust” into “Ralph Breaks the Internet” and it would still feel more nuanced and less jarring than “Vice”.
If you want to know what kind of movie this is, there’s a part where the narrator tells you that Cheney’s story isn’t some Shakespearian tragedy, only to be followed by an entire 2-3 minute scene showing Cheney and his wife reciting Macbeth verbatim, and it took a concentrated effort from me to now walk out of the theater. If you can put up with all of the negatives I’ve mentioned (or if you’re dumb and think they’re positives), there are some clever, touching, and illuminating moments in the film. But ultimately, the film was just too tedious and condescending for me to recommend. I ended the film glad that it was finally over. My friend and I were a little paralyzed from how bored we were, so we sat there for a minute trying to work up the energy to get up and leave, only to be surprised by a mid-credits scene. I will not describe this scene, and I encourage you to seek out yourself, because it is *the* single most stupid and cringe-worthy thing I’ve ever seen in a motion picture.
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82. Hidden Man
Ever watch something that you can tell from the get-go was not meant for you? Like an extremely niche porno such as one where the participants spout obscure 4chan memes? Even though you know someone’s getting off to this, you’re just sitting there, confused and kind of wanting the ordeal to be over. Well, unlike “Meme Lover 2: Dawn of JUST”, the Chinese period-action film “Hidden Man” was most definitely not for me, and left me feeling like I needed to shower afterwards, not so much from dirtying myself, but from sitting in a crowd of people who were definitely getting a bit sweaty themselves.
The film comes to us from China, the same country that brought us last year’s testosterone-fueled insanity “Wolf Warrior 2”, and is about a man who, as a young boy, watched his master and his family get murdered by two gangsters, vowing revenge and embarking on it 20 years later in 1930’s Japanese-occupied China. If you think it’s a straightforward revenge film, think again; the plot is a convoluted mess involving gangsters, corrupt cops, Japanese military, spying, mistaken identity, romance, cuckoldry, father figures and what could charitably be described as “comedy”. Saying this film is tonally inconsistent is like saying the Germans were poor houseguests in the rest of Europe circa 1941. “Hidden Man” veers on a dime between absurd comedy, cheesy prolonged melodrama, references to older movies, and the occasional over-the-top action scene, with no regards for pacing or proper progression in plot. It’s like a Tarantino film minus the subtlety and restraint.
And speaking of Tarantino, this film has every bit of racism that your average Quantum Tortellini film has, only without the irony or remembering that the bad guys are supposed to be the racist ones. I’ve lost count how many times the film and its characters trash the Japanese and their culture. It even has the main character’s adopted father, a white American dude who speaks fluent Chinese, casually giving a whole speech about how the “Japs” have never known defeat and need to be humbled, like an Allied version of the “White Man’s Burden”, and treats it like we’re supposed to cheer that. I mean, fair enough; if anyone has a right to be cross at the Japanese, it’s the Chinese, but including this so prominently in a ridiculous revenge action-comedy and it having no effect on the main story smacks of trying to eat one’s racism cake and choosing not to digest it.
There is not a single character in the film to latch onto, because all of them are just as inconsistent as the movie itself. Is the main character an aloof, smooth-taking badass who’s focused on revenge, or is he a whiny little bitch with daddy issues with a tendency towards randomly monologue-ing whatever theme the film thinks of at the time? Is his mentor for the latter half of the film a clever underworld crime figure that subtly manipulates the strings of everyone else, or is he a buffoonish comic relief side-character that regularly gets his ass handed to him? Why does the film go on for so long but offer so little progression? Between the main character arriving and the finale where he gets his revenge, almost nothing noteworthy happens. It’s wheel-spinning masquerading as build-up. It’s just going from one character to another, with the main guy cracking jokes, yelling, crying, or jumping around on rooftops, like if “Assassin’s Creed” was a cross between a soap opera and a fever dream. The level of agonizing, pointless repetition in this film is worthy of Tommy Wiseau, and fuck you, I don’t mean that as a good thing. This isn’t so much writing as it is vomiting onto a jumbled rough draft for a comic book written by a racist 13-year-old with ADHD and a tire-iron lodged in his skull. And while the action scenes are reasonably fun, they don’t come into the film until like the last 15-20 minutes, and by that point they’re too-little-way-too-late. At almost two-and-a-half hours, this film feels like a joke that isn’t all that funny going on for about an hour longer than it should, and when I’m in the theater, practically begging for the film to end, it’s hard to squeeze out a recommendation.
I saw this film in the Toronto Film Festival with a mainly Chinese crowd, and they were sure as hell having a good time, guffawing at every silly death and bit of melodramatic acting and dig at the Japanese. And I admit, the occasional funny moment or whacky visual kept me intrigued and hopeful that the film’s payoff will be worth it, but it wasn’t. In the end, I lack either the cultural connection, the patience, or the retardation to enjoy “Hidden Man”. I appreciate certain parts of the film, like the committed cast and the onscreen energy and the costume design, so I don’t exactly hate the film, even if I hated watching it. I just concede that it isn’t for me, and I perfectly understand that some people might enjoy “Hidden Man”, even if disagreeing with me in any way whatsoever makes you WRONG and STUPID and FAT and I HATE YOU.
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81. The Cloverfield Paradox
Between the pretty good “Cloverfield” and the excellent follow-up “10 Cloverfield Lane”, JJ Abrams’ small sci-fi anthology series seemed like one of the most promising film franchises going. JJ Abrams’ showmanship as a producer served well in the marketing for these films, tantalizing audiences with vague-but-cool trailers and viral marketing that really enhanced the mysterious and unpredictable nature of these films. When JJ dropped the film announcement and the trailer in the middle of the Super Bowl and told the world the new Cloverfield film was available to stream on Netflix after the game, it seemed like the most audacious mic drop in recent Hollywood history. It was easy to get caught up in the excitement and forget that most direct-to-Netflix films are trash that are dumped there by studios for fear that they won’t make their money back in theaters, and unfortunately that realization came into fruition as I watched the movie. I’m going into spoiler territory, so if you actually want to see this film and want to be surprised by its badness, skip to the last paragraph.
The mystery was one of the most tantalizing aspects from the two films, both in their own stories and how they might connect, but I can’t have been the only one that hoped any connection between the Cloverfield films would go unexplained. After all, what mystery doesn’t lose its zeal once the truth has been revealed? If anything, I’d have liked the movies to be completely distinct anthology films, “Twilight Zone”-style (that’s “Black Mirror”-style if you’re stupid) with no connection whatsoever, opening up an unlimited potential to make far-out science fiction on a studio budget. Anyway, Paradox ruins this by pretty much explaining the connection between the three films, so that while re-watching the first two films you won’t help but think about what’s going on in a bigger picture. Which at least wouldn’t be so bad if the bigger picture was interesting, but the movie feels like someone dug through JJ Abram’s wastepaper bin and made a film out of his rejected ideas.
The movie just can’t figure out how to handle its material. Once the crew arrives in the alternate universe, weird things start to happen in the ship. They find a stranger embedded in the tubes inside a wall; a crew member gets all the display case worms transported inside their digestive system; another character dies through some sort of sentient synthetic tendril. These occurrences give the impression that the ship is alive and is attacking the crew, haunted house-style, but this literally leads nowhere and it’s just forgotten about near the end. It wasn’t enough that these people transported themselves to an alternate-universe (which I’m fine with as a sci-fi concept) and are trying to repair a ship that’s falling apart to get back home; the film also feels the need to take some shitty pseudo-horror approach to desperately try and make stuff happen in order to fill the feature-length runtime.
Speaking of, there’s also a subplot about the lead character’s husband on Earth that is completely pointless except to give more insidious tie-ins to the previous films, and as a further insult, it just kind of just ends without resolution.
The cast deserves better than this. This is a prime example of good actors being let down by their material. Poor Chris O’Dowd is stuck being the comic relief with a dull script that’s utterly devoid of funny lines. Gugu Mbatha-Raw has the only good character, a scientist with a tragic past who has an actual moral conflict in the film, and she almost makes the film work through sheer performative power of will
almost. Elizabeth Debicki also tries really hard to make her character undergo a believable transformation from sympathetic engineer to mad villain, but writing-wise the transition is about as smooth and subtle as a half-whittled wooden dildo. Everyone else just kind of flounders around in the dull void of “We Have Nothing for You to Do Except Deliver Exposition and Die”.
It’s not enough that this film it’s bad; it also attaches itself to the good movies in the series and saps their life from them. “The Cloverfield Paradox” is the first movie I’ve seen that’s so bad that it actually makes other movies worse by association. While something like “Die Hard 5” resembles a cancerous tumor, at least I could mentally excise it from existence and enjoy the other four films. If you’ve seen and loved “10 Cloverfield Lane” like I have, avoid this film like the plague that it is. The nicest thing I can say about the film is that it’s somewhat watchable thanks to Mbatha-Raw’s performance and the fast pace racing through all the bullshit, but even that is ruined by the final few seconds of the film, one of the most mind-numbingly stupid finales I’ve ever seen in a movie.
Good soundtrack, though.
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80. Mute
Duncan Jones’ debut film “Moon”, a deliciously sad and thought-provoking movie about a lonely Sam Rockwell having an emotional breakdown while working as a maintenance man on the moon, is one of my favorite sci-fi movies. And despite his movies since then getting progressively shittier, they still had enough good that made me excited for “Mute”, a long-developed “spiritual successor” to his breakout opus that is also set in the same universe, centering about a mute bartender looking for his missing girlfriend in futuristic Berlin.
I sat down to watch it, and as my previously fully-erect, moody-cyberpunk-loving penis steadily deflated, I realized that this is possibly the most pointless movie I’ve ever seen. The movie constantly introduces characters, backstories, and plot-points that hold your attention and make you think it’ll all lead somewhere interesting, but it just
doesn’t. It kind of just ends, leaving you sitting there bored, bewildered, and with your pants down. It’s like the film is a metaphor for Duncan Jones desperately trying to find the missing point, not aware it’s been dead the whole time (whoops, spoilers). I’m not saying every film needs a message or moral or deep philosophical disposition, but if it’s not entertaining (which “Mute” isn’t) then the whole movie feels like an explorer setting sail and sinking while trying to reach an island that doesn’t exist.
I don’t feel like writing a straightforward review of the movie, so I’ll just write it as a series of Why’s. There are many more than what I have, but I don’t feel like remembering the film more than I have to. The film isn’t really worth watching to understand most of these questions, so this is just for the poor souls who have seen it:
Why is the main character Amish? This isn’t a twist (it’s established early on), but what is the point of him being Amish? He’s not tech-savvy or anything, but he figures out technology fairly quick and without problem when he starts searching for his girlfriend, and it’s not like the finale hinges on him churning-enough butter to grease himself through a tight vent or quickly building a barn to contain a team of cyberhorses or something wonderfully stupid like that. It’s not to show him as lonely/isolated, because he has a loving girlfriend, and the movie even makes a point that Amish people have recently started moving to Berlin. It’s like Duncan Jones was trying to think of how to make him stand out and landed on the first random trait that came to mind.
Why are Amish people moving to a neon-lit, futuristic Berlin?
Why is the movie set in futuristic Berlin? Pretty much all the characters speak English, and there’s nothing thematic or plot-related that necessitates the futuristic setting. I mean sure, it’s pretty and Jones still has an eye for visuals, but it just makes it feel like a story-deficient “Blade Runner” knock-off someone would have made in the 80’s if that movie wasn’t a box office flop.
Why is the main character mute? I don’t remember any part of the movie where his lack of a voice hinders him, and again, it doesn’t really make him more isolated, since people pretty freely spout their life story at him and there’s only a handful of times when others make fun of him for it. When the reason behind your film’s title is pointless, it’s not a good look. As an alternate title, may I suggest “Mr. Sadface and the Hunt for the Missing Story”?
Why was the girl so in love with the main character? Fair enough, when you look like Alexander Skarsgard, you probably beat off passing members of the opposite sex with a stick on your morning commute, but he has no personality beyond looking sad, confused or angry, so she’d be just as well dating me while I’m watching “Mute”. She mentions something like “he’s a really good guy”, but that’s something you tell your friends when they inquire why you’re seeing someone who’s completely boring.
Why is the film set in the same universe as “Moon”? It only has one brief glimpse on a TV of Sam Rockwell’s character, and there’s a token visual reference late in the film to a company name, so it all bears as much relevance to the film as a name-drop.
Why does the film spend so much time with the villains? (I actually know why; it’s because no one story in this film is interesting enough to sustain a feature-length running time, so it just frequently veers between the main character and the villains)
Why is one of the two main villains a pedophile?
Why did Duncan Jones think “I chopped your girlfriend’s tits off and wore them as fucking earmuffs” was a good enough line of dialogue to include in the film?
Why did I think a Netflix original movie would be good?
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79. Bohemian Rhapsody
Look, I could talk about how I’m not that interested in the personal/backstage lives of musicians.
I could talk about how I like Queen but am not madly in love with their music.
I could talk about Sacha Baron Cohen’s original involvement and how the band’s desire for a sanitized, legacy-preserving, PG-13 version of the story led to him leaving the project (for worse).
I could talk about Rami Malek and how he does a good impression of Freddie Mercury but how I always felt like I was watching a caricature rather than an actual embodiment of one of rock’s greatest frontmen (and how those fake teeth were distracting and stupid-looking).
I could make some tasteless joke about director Brian Singer’s fondness for putting his finger inside skinny gay boys of questionably legal age.
And I could talk about the fact that I inadvertently attended a sing-along screening of the film, and how the crowd I was with wasn’t even all that into it, which made it even worse.
But ultimately, the main takeaway is that any musical biopic in a post-“Walk Hard” world that still aggressively follows this “humble beginnings à success à ego/drama/break-up à reuniting for a great show” formula without any irony is doomed to bore me to tears, even if it weren’t 135 fucking minutes long.
A more appropriate title would be “Another One Bites the Dust”.
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78. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
For the record, I didn’t see “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” thinking it would be good. Much like “Jurassic World”, I just wanted to see some fun schlock about dinosaurs running amok and eating folks. Sure, it’s a formula that has more than run its course in the past 3 decades, but at least it might prove an inoffensive time-killer. Well, Universal somewhat subverted my expectations, by actually deviating from the formula a little bit. While the first hour of the film concerns a group of people traveling to the dino island to rescue them before a volcano erupts and re-extincts them, the 2nd half takes a really weird turn into a large mansion involving shady dino-auctions and eventually a genetically engineered raptor breaking loose and killing folks.
This structure basically results in 2 really disjointed hour-long movies, both of them feeling incredibly rushed. Sure, it makes charging through all the garbage easier, but it feels like they half-assed two things instead of whole-assing one thing. And man, is the film garbage and half-assed. Putting aside the pedestrian script, the human characters in this are the stupidest and most illogical human beings I’ve ever seen in a monster movie. Why would the smarmy head of a billion-dollar company decide to illegally auction off dinosaurs to arms dealers, despots, and shady CEOs in order to raise what is probably chump change for his company? Why would anyone even buy dinosaurs with the intent of weaponizing them when, y’know, guns and tanks exist? Why would anyone even want to keep breeding carnivorous dinosaurs after 4 fucking movies have shown the fallacy of doing such a thing? Why do any of the protagonists so willingly trust characters that are clearly evil? Why can’t the characters (or script) decide whether dinosaurs are beautiful creatures that are worth saving or horrific monsters that must be destroyed? Why is there almost no security in the secret underground lab and literally none in the holding cells area the characters find themselves imprisoned in? This is genuinely the stupidest film I’ve seen all year (maybe a few years), and that’s saying something.
I wouldn’t even mind the stupidity if it was at least fun or contained an ounce of self-awareness, but “Fallen Kingdom” is just so boring, because after a while the stupidity became so predictable and the complete lack of interest in the characters or story made it impossible to get engaged. I genuinely had a hard time sitting through this film, especially in the second half. It’s legit the first time I’ve ever watched a movie at home and went to the bathroom without bothering to pause the film first.
The film is not entirely without merit, so let’s get the good out of the way quickly before the killing blow; Michael Giacchino’s score is great, J.A. Bayona is a much better visual filmmaker than his predecessor Colin Trevorrow and actually made a good-looking film here, and like I said earlier, the rushed pacing at least means you can get to the finish line without too much effort. But with that out of the way, this is one of the most aggressively cynical, cheap, and mean-spirited summer blockbusters I’ve ever seen. Every single aspect of this movie just feels so calculated and exploitative, like it’s secretly determined to quash any ounce of wonder and joy that this franchise provided. Too bad that most people don’t notice the irony of watching a greedy, corporate film that’s about the evils of corporate greed. The only poignant and affecting moment in the film, where the characters leave the island and have to watch a
lone brachiosaurus succumb to the encroaching volcano ash, is also the scene that’s most emblematic of
the film as a whole; your childhood is dead, buried under a cloud of cynicism and greed. Also, fuck Blue.
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77. Operation Red Sea
Last year’s “Wolf Warrior 2” was a racist and ultra-violent piece of Chinese military propaganda about an elite military man who, after foiling a cargo ship hijacking by Somali pirates, gets sent to a war-torn African country to rescue some Chinese nationals from rebels and mercs, and it became the highest-grossing movie of all time in China. 2018’s “Operation Red Sea” is a racist and ultra-violent piece of Chinese military propaganda about an elite military unit who, after foiling a cargo ship hijacking by Somali pirates, gets sent to a war-torn African country to rescue some Chinese nationals from terrorist rebels, and it became the second-highest grossing film of all time in China.
It’s pretty obvious what tickle’s Chinese audiences’ collective prostate, but in addition to the effect of diminishing returns, “Operation Red Sea” is just nowhere near as insane or funny (intentional or otherwise) as “Wolf Warrior 2”. Where the latter was aping macho 80’s action movies, this one just apes virtually every American war movie of the past few decades. Where the latter had a groan-worthy sense of humor with really obvious characters and clichĂ©s, this one has no sense of humor at all. And finally, where “Wolf Warrior 2” had the charismatic Jackie Chan-meets-Tom Cruise flair of writer/director/star Wu Jing, this just has some lesser-known Chinese actors being forced to play po-faced soldiers who at any given moment are either shooting people, or professing their love of country and hatred of terrorists.
Its boring attitude towards its story and characters is only exacerbated by how excruciatingly long and bloated it is. The action scenes (while admittedly pretty well-shot and edited, with top-notch production values) just go on forever, and mainly consist of people shooting other people. It’s only when something silly and action-y happens (a car riding sideways on a wall before hitting a sign and somersaulting, or a tank battle in the middle of a sandstorm) does the film briefly come alive. There’s absolutely no reason for a movie like this to be 2.5 hours long, unless Chinese audiences just get off on seeing Middle-Eastern terror men getting blown to bits or other forms of needlessly graphic carnage.
Like last year’s piece of blockbuster propaganda, the film is excessive in pretty much every way you can imagine, but while “Wolf Warrior 2” was nationalistic, offensive and ridiculous to the point where it bordered on self-parody, “Operation Red Sea” does almost exactly the same thing but plays it completely straight, ironically becoming the bigger joke.
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76. Mile 22
In the past, I’ve called Peter Berg a good action director (“The Rundown” was a really fun action flick and his 3 recent tragedy-porn thrillers were at least well-made and exciting), so with his newest outing “Mile 22”, it feels like either he’s either purposely taken an approach to make his film awful in almost every way in a Producers-esque scam, or he just had a massive stroke but still insisted on directing the film, drool steadily dripping down his chin.
Starring everyone’s favorite hate-crime committer Mark Wahlberg, the plot is about a mentally unstable agent leading a secret CIA paramilitary unit on a mission to extract a high-value informant from an unnamed Southeast Asian country while being hunted by local government assassins (maybe?). The plot hardly matters (it’s just one team trying to get from point A to point B without dying) but it’s genuinely worrying the degree to which the writer of the film agrees with me. No attempt is made to explain the people hunting Wahlberg’s team or why they’re doing it, no characters show any growth or emotional arc, the film cuts away to a group of Russians doing shady stuff every now and again without explaining their purpose until the ending, and the dialogue consists entirely of swearing and techno-thriller lingo. This script feels like 2 pages of a rough draft of a “Call of Duty” game stretched out to (mercifully only) 90 minutes. The film literally has to bring in John Malkovich wearing the most unnecessary wig in history about 30 minutes in just so he can explain the plot to everyone.
Ultimately, a film like this lives or dies on its action scenes. Are you unfortunate enough to remember “Taken 3”, and how the action scenes had a cut every 0.5 seconds to try to hide the fact that 60-year-old Liam Neeson couldn’t fight, and then added even more cuts to make the film “exciting” and “intense”? I wouldn’t say the editing in “Mile 22” is as bad as that, but it’s easily the worst I’ve seen since “Taken 3”. What makes it more painful however is that starring as the informant is Iko Uwais, the ass-kicking Indonesian star of “The Raid” and its sequel. This guy is easily the best genuine action star that Berg has ever worked with, and whose clear athleticism and even acting charisma is hampered by the aforementioned editing. It’s like the film is trying to hide the fact that this guy can fight, so he doesn’t make Marky Mark look so lame (though his flannel-shirt, black jacket combo does a plenty good job of that). Oh yeah, and the film has Ronda Rousey in it, and not only doesn’t give her any hand-to-hand fight scenes, it also just needlessly kills her off halfway through the movie. I’m guessing Walhberg (who also produced) was just jealous of anyone who could kick his ass in real life and decided to hamper their screen presence.
Surprisingly, the film’s saving grace is actually Wahlberg himself. His character is a bipolar savant and ex-soldier who at any given moment is either berating people, snapping a rubber-band on his wrist, or shooting a gun. He is such an irredeemable prick to every single person around him (including his team) that he actually becomes really fun to watch. There’s a scene where he’s yelling at his team during a debrief, when someone brings Rousey’s character a small cake for her birthday, and Wahlberg knocks if off the table, breaking both the plate and the cake, before yelling “No birthday cake. NO BIRTHDAY CAKE”. Later in the film, after risking his life and going out of his way to save a team member from being killed, he says something like “Get a move on. We just wasted 10 fucking minutes saving your ass”.
By almost all accounts, this is one of the worst action movies I’ve ever seen, but I got such a kick out of watching Mark Wahlberg being a completely unrelenting asshole to literally everyone he interacts with that I couldn’t help but have fun watching this garbage, so if the thought of seeing Mark Wahlberg running amok in Southeast Asia gives you some perverse glee, gather some friends and enjoy making fun of this film. I guess this counts as me plopping out a recommendation, even if some of it gets stuck and I have to wipe it out and there ends up being some blood on the toilet paper.
Sorry, that metaphor got away from me a bit.
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75. White Boy Rick
I forgot to log this film in my list for two months after I saw it, and it was only after looking through 2018’s releases on Wikipedia did I notice “White Boy Rick” sticking out. Since I was genuinely struggling to remember whether I saw it or not, I decided to keep this review short because from what little I remember, the movie isn’t worth the brain power. It has the same rise-and-fall structure of every crime movie made after “Goodfellas”, this time centering on Richard Wershe Jr., who after working for his low-rent gun-running dad, became a Detroit drug kingpin and eventual FBI informant all before the age of 18. My problem with the film, other than how bland and forgettable it is due to the most rudimentary screenplay of the year, is that the film tries to portray Rick as a tragic and heroic victim of his own circumstances who only dealt drugs to support his family, acting like he’s an innocent victim of the system. While this might be true to an extent, the film really goes out of its way to take away his personal responsibility for his crimes (even ending with audio of the real Rick talking about his family and how he was screwed). Like, if he was dealing pot or Adderall, fine, but this little fucker was dealing heroin and coke to a 1980’s Detroit that was already more in shambles than it is today. Pretty much the only things keeping the film afloat are the grimy visual style and Matthew McConaughey’s performance as Rick’s dad, bringing gravitas to the character while not shying away from his sleaziness. This is one of Matty Mac’s better performances, and he tries so hard that he almost makes the film worth watching. But ultimately, if you’ve seen any crime movie in the last three decades, you’ve seen “White Boy Rick”.
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74. Roma
“Oh, there goes Mike again,” you say. “Look at that contrarian tool put the most critically-acclaimed film of the year alongside stuff like ‘White Boy Rick’ and ‘Venom’. Isn’t he just soooo cool, the way he shits on the stuff everyone likes for a fleeting feeling of attention that can only briefly mask the pain of his own crippling insecurities?”
Well, you might be on to something (you prick), but that doesn’t change the fact that most of Roma bored me to tears.
Alfonso Cuarón’s story of Sofia, a maid for a middle-class family in early 1970’s Mexico City, is based on his own childhood and was made as a tribute to his housekeeper. Surely an intimate story like this would require him to tone down his directing and cinematography to something more grounded and personal, right? Well too bad, because Cuarón’s show-off camerawork and directing are on full display here. The film is filled to the brim with long takes that involve lots of background extras performing elaborate action, and almost none of it feels like it matters to the story or is used to enhance our viewpoint of his main character. What is the goddamn point of a shot where Sofia walks down a sidewalk at night and crosses the street, while tons of costumed extras walk around and drive period-era cars in the background, or another long-take where a man in an animal costume takes off his mask and starts singing while people try to put out a forest fire in the background (just two examples of many) other than Cuarón to announce “HEY LOOK AT ME DIRECT THIS, AREN’T YOU IMPRESSED”? Shut up about that “immersion” nonsense I hear critics gush about; I couldn’t stop thinking about how this is a film.
Maybe I could get immersed if the story wasn’t so minimal that LITERALLY NOTHING HAPPENS for the first hour and 40 minutes. I wish I was exaggerating, but it’s just these people living their lives normally for the length of an average movie. If you saw “Boyhood” and thought, “Yes, this is groundbreaking storytelling”, then “Roma” is the film for you. It’s only after 100 minutes where the film decides to drop absurd levels of tragedy out of nowhere onto Sofia where my eyes finally opened up, but it just came across as desperate. That bloody protest scene comes out of nowhere, and serves no purpose other than to get her to the hospital where she suffers another over-the-top calamity.
Maybe I wouldn’t mind the slow pace and eventual melodrama if Cuarón gave a shit enough about the main character to actually make her a character. Sofia is depicted as very timid and quiet, which would be fine if the camera allowed us to get close to her, but as we’ve established, Cuarón is too busy showing you how great he is, and he keeps the camera at a distance so we can better admire all the scenery and extras. So we have a character that isn’t expressive along with a director who won’t let us near her. We empathize with her because she’s kind and we sympathize for the awful things that suddenly happen to her, but you get the idea that Cuarón never really knew his maid that well and views her as more of a figure rather than an actual human being.
Roma is a great movie for people who pretend to love film. You can bang on about the (pointless) background details, and the (pointless) long takes, and the black-and-white cinematography (also pointless), and how pretty and impressive it all is, but the film simply missed the mark in connecting with me on any deeper level. The nicest thing I can say about it is that I didn’t hate watching it; the mise-en-scene creates a fairly absorbing atmosphere and the actors (especially lead Yalitza Aparicio) are so good and so natural that they make the film watchable. But don’t be fooled; “Roma” is ultimately a technical showcase with all the emotional depth of “Gravity”, just more pretentious and lacking any shots of Sandra Bullock in her underwear.
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73. Venom
I’m getting pretty bored of writing the same stuff about mediocre superhero movies, so I’ll try to keep this concise. “Venom”, despite being ostensibly a Sony movie, has all the usual problems that plague the Marvel Cinematic Universe: bad CGI, a pointless and forced love interest, a lame and undeveloped villain, a boring 3rd act fight where two computer-generated things punch each other a lot, and frequent unfunny quips. But it also has its own problems, like poor writing, a contrived and rushed plot (according to Tom Hardy, 40 minutes or so of his favorite part of the movie was cut from the final film), a desperate lack of an R-rating, and a credit scene featuring Woody Harrelson in a stupid wig that genuinely feels like it was done as a joke. And unlike Marvel’s films, this doesn’t have the foundation of a solid cinematic universe to fall back on. Note: this film is supposed to kick off Sony’s own Marvelverse based around the Spider-Man characters they have the rights to, but without actually using Spider-Man. Point and laugh,  kids.
That said, I didn’t hate the film. I was gonna be a smart-ass and say this is easily Hardy’s best role since Shinzon in “Star Trek: Nemesis”, but it cannot be overstated how much he saves this film. His performance as a broken, shabby dude who is rightfully freaking out over being taken over by an alien goo is frequently entertaining, with Hardy visibly straining to carry this film on his shoulders. And I liked the character of Venom; having thought he was just going to be some antagonistic force that takes control every now and again, I like that Venom has his own character and motivations, even if they aren’t all that deep. The core of the film is Tom Hardy’s performances as Eddie Brock and Venom, and the relationship between man and symbiote. And because that part is decent, “Venom” is actually watchable, despite literally everything else in the film being terrible. Get some friends together, have a few drinks, and sit back to make fun of this crap and you might just have a good time. And as weird as this sounds, all this movie’s flaws carry some sort of rough charm that makes it stand apart from a typical MCU film. It’s like watching a puppy eagerly try to catch a ball, but fail and face-plant into an expensive vase, causing it to break. You want to be mad, but it’s actually kind of cute.
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72. Ready Player One
Ugh
.
It’s with no small amount of resentment that I saw this movie. I tried reading the book some years back and made it through 20 pages of extremely tediously self-indulgent fanboy nostalgia before deciding to never pay it any attention ever again. When I saw it was being adapted, I said “Well, there’s something I wouldn’t see unless someone actually paid me to do it” but then I saw that it was being directed by none other than Steven motherfuckin’ Spielberg, one of cinemas purest and most gifted storytellers. I spent a few minutes agonizing over someone I greatly admire attaching his name to such awful source material before conceding that I’ll probably see it but I’ll be buggered before I pay money to do so. So one totally legal stream later, my verdict for the film is a resounding “Ugh
.”
Look, it’s OK. Maybe a notch above mediocre. Spielberg couldn’t make a bad movie if he tried. The film packs plenty of visual flair and creativity, the score by Alan Silvestri feels like a nice throwback to his 80’s action scores, and the film sometimes has this fun adventurous spirit that dulls the pain of watching nostalgic, pop-culture obsessed fanfic. I found the IRL sections somewhat interesting, with all these people essentially living in a trashy dystopia that depends mainly on a bullshit video-game economy that would make an EA executive blush for being too fan-friendly. Too bad about the story and the characters.
The main character is a boring white dude named Wade Watts whose entire personality revolves around consuming pop-culture, so at least the audience of 30-year-old neckbeards this film was made for have someone to project onto. He has that author self-insert problem where he’s constantly the least interesting person onscreen, but almost the entire movie revolves around him. Any of his sidekicks would have made a more interesting protagonist, since they actually have personalities and ambitions. The icing on the Mary Sue cake is the love interest, who is an elite player herself and also a prominent member of a resistance movement against the evil corporation attempting to seize control of the game. When they meet in game, Wade falls in love with her very quickly (a funny comment about how much reclusive losers project onto others, intentional or not), but she rebukes him because they barely know each other, never met IRL, and she’s insecure about her looks. Turns out, when they do meet IRL, she’s actually a smoking hot young woman in her early 20’s, who feels unattractive because of a circular birthmark around her eye. But oh, don’t worry, Wade is such a not-shallow “good guy” that he still loves her despite that hideous deficiency.
The story is just a hunt for three digital MacGuffins that lead to a (literal) Golden Easter Egg which would grant ownership of the Oasis (the game and its universe) to whoever finds it. There’s a nice, obvious three-act story structure here, and it moves along at a decent pace, and only someone dragged down by the myriad of weightless pop-culture references and cameos, which almost all fell flat to me (I do admit to having a bit of a squirt seeing Starcraft’s Jim Raynor getting like 30 seconds of screen time). The film peaks at the middle when the characters are stuck in the hotel from “The Shining”, Spielberg having a great time recreating the creepy locale and scaring the characters. The problem with the film is that it just drags on too long, a feeling exacerbated by the unending 3rd act giant battle between pop-culture avatars and the evil corporation’s army. When I’m sitting there, covering my eyes, groaning for the allegedly “fun and exciting” climax to end, it’s generally not a good thing for your movie. I was completely worn out by the time Spielberg’s trademark schmaltz coated the ending like really thick and sticky marmalade, but hey, I’ll take Spielberg desperately trying to wring some genuine emotion instead of the source material’s masturbatory self-indulgence any day.
The fact that despite the lavish tonguing that the book gives him, Spielberg’s refusal to include any references to his own movies just reinforces how he’s too good for this crap. Like I said, he couldn’t make a bad movie if he tried, but it’s disappointing that he’s wasting his time with something like this instead of, I dunno
.getting “Indiana Jones 5” finished while Harrison Ford is still alive and motivated enough to act by more embarrassing amounts of cash?
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71. Solo: A Star Wars Story
I used to understand you, Star Wars fans. You had a trilogy of movies that were quite good, some quality video-games, and a solid selection of memes. While I never cared much for Star Wars, I can certainly understand a fan’s enthusiasm for their favorite franchise (most people I know have wanted to hit me to stop me from talking about “Mass Effect”). But I genuinely cannot think of a series that has lost more artistic integrity than your Star Wars. Putting aside how heavily merchandised the series was under George Lucas, at least his stupid and misguided ambition at least signified a desire to evolve or do things differently. Now, however, it seems that Disney’s acquisition has destroyed any chance “Star Wars” had to once again feel like art, rather than a product. Now instead of evolving or taking the series in a new direction, all Disney wants to do is keep Star Wars familiar and safe for the fans until the udder runs dry.
Take Disney’s firing of original “Solo” directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller, two guys known for their energetic, imaginative and very funny comedies, for “creative differences” when they had already finished shooting most of the film. Sure, we’ll never know the precise things they wanted to do differently, but it’s easy to infer that their film was going to be an irreverent, self-aware comedy that would dare to stand out from past films. Why would you even hire these guys in the first place, knowing what kind of movies they make? Instead, they brought on poor Ron Howard, one of the most competent directors and nicest dudes in Hollywood, not so much to make his own Star Wars film but to salvage this one and take the blame for its failures.
The resulting film is exactly what you would expect a Han Solo origin movie to be. Chewy, Lando, Millenium Falcon, Kessel Run, shooting first, etc. But it’s downright obnoxious how much the film crowbars in to tie it into previous (and optimistically, future) Star Wars movies. References to Jabba, the dice, Correlia, and an absurd last-act cameo by a character that even the most ardent of Star Wars fans wouldn’t expect; all of these (and more) just add up to a movie that’s so desperate to be part of the big boys’ table (or rather, is forced to sit there) that it kind of ruins what should be the point of these anthology films, which is to flesh out the universe and make it bigger than the same core conflict and group of characters that have been Star Wars-ing it up since 1977. The desire to Marvel up the franchise with inter-connectivity has become downright desperate and cringeworthy. I suppose that was obvious from the get-go for a company that felt Han Solo needed an origin story, like his implied mysterious roguish past wasn’t enough. I’m fine with them making a young Han Solo film but just have him already be Han Solo, partnered with Chewy doing fun stuff; all the exposition does is get in the way of the fun. And for fuck’s sake, don’t explain his how he got the name Solo, and especially for fuck’s sake, don’t make the explanation as stupid as it is here.
It’s a shame, because once you get past all the garbage (and the awful, murky cinematography that made me wonder if the projector was malfunctioning), there’s actually a fairly decent movie underneath. The film largely eschews the mythos’ Light vs. Dark, Rebellion vs. Empire conflict and instead focuses on Han and a group of fellow criminals stealing starship fuel so that a crime boss won’t cap their ass, and the focus on the grimy underbelly of the Star Wars universe is most welcome. Since the plot is essentially a heist movie, it goes from set-piece to set-piece, all well-crafted by Ron Howard, who is easily the best action director the series has ever had.
Alden Ehrenreich is the surprise standout as Han, capturing the spirit of the character while still making it his own (matching young Harrison Ford in terms of charisma is impossible and I’m glad he didn’t just do an impression of Ford). A lot of fuss has been made about Donald Glover, but really, he’s just doing a really good Billy Dee Williams impression and his performance doesn’t feel unique in any way. Woody Harrelson is Woody Harrelson. Dragging the film down considerably is Emilia Clarke as Han’s love interest. I’m sure that she’s a wonderful person in real life, but between this and “Terminator: Genysis”, it feels like the quality of her acting ranges from “little kid acting like a grown-up in an elementary school play” to “competent but bland line-deliverer”. She’s just so damn boring in her role, and it’s a shame, because her character is not just typical forced demographic-appealing love interest. She and Han were young and in love but were tragically separated, and while he’s more or less the same dude, she’s changed a lot and became this hardened crime figure but still harbors feelings for him, etc. It’s unfortunate that she and Ehrenreich have so little chemistry, because it feels like a better actress could have salvaged this whole sideplot and significantly improved the film. Also, that robot is the most annoying Star Wars character since Jar-Jar, and feels like something that might have worked under Lord and Miller’s wackiness but feels like an obnoxious cartoon under Ron Howard’s more grounded direction.
One more thing I want to mention is the score by “How to Train your Dragon” composer by John Powell. John Williams wrote the main theme with Powell composing the rest to build off of it, but man, the guy took the ball, leaped across the field into the end zone, slammed the ball down so hard it hit some Chinese man right in the crotch, then played a bitchin’ guitar solo while the whole stadium exploded into fireworks and confetti. He brilliantly merges Williams’ intelligence and majesty with his own percussive firepower and dynamic orchestral glory to create what I honestly think is better than all the previous Star Wars scores. There’s a scene between Han and Emilia Clarke in the closet of the Millenium Falcon that has the most swoon-worthy romantic music cue I think I’ve ever heard, and the ball-bustingly awesome action cues are as dynamic and exciting as anything I’ve heard in I don’t remember how long. I usually do a “Best Film Score” superlative at the end of these lists, but it’ll be a fight for second place this year. The “Solo: A Star Wars Story” score by John Powell is awesome and is (one out-of-place, in-movie, space-jazz-pop song aside) so good at merging past identities with grand, epic modernity that it really makes you wish the film it belongs to would have done the same.
And with that masterful segue, I come back to the movie’s central conflict; not between Han and other criminals, but the film’s own potential struggling with the Disney-branded chains it wears. The tight structure and fun setting are a refreshing change of pace from the usual wannabe epic mysticism of the other Star Wars movies, but the film is weighed down by so much trendy studio-mandated bullshit (the firing of Lord/Miller, the predictable story, the forced references and foreshadowings, Emilia Clarke, etc.) that the film feels all the more disappointing for it. I guess the film works as fan-service for Star Wars fans, but as evidenced by this film’s box-office failure, even the fans are only willing to take so much corporate mediocrity (though I know you’ll just be all giddy again when the title/trailer for Episode IX drops). While it’s unfortunate that the good parts of this film probably won’t find themselves in a sequel, it’s probably for the best that this film bombed, since now Disney will be forced to take a step back and actually work to come up with something original for the anthology series. Maybe they’ll create something new and wonderful that’ll capture the imagination the way the original trilogy once did for countless audiences. Or maybe they’ll just go and make the Boba Fett movie you losers keep clamoring for.
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70. Sicario: Day of the Soldado
It’s weird how the progression of this film’s title made me less and less excited any time they renamed it. First it was “Soldado”, which I was all on board with. Then it was “Sicario 2: Soldado”, which is fine, I guess you can capitalize on the first one’s name recognition. Finally, it became “Sicario: Day of the Soldado”, which is too long and doesn’t fit comfortably in the mouth, like a
nope, too obvious.
Anyway, I was quite looking forward to this film, despite “Sicario” director Denis Villeneuve not returning. I liked the idea of the progression from the first film’s murky morality of the intersection of police and military action, to the sequel’s supposed dropping of the policing aspect and focusing on an amoral CIA-started war between Mexican drug cartels. If only the film actually delivered on this promise. Sure, the first 30 minutes or so set up a nice, manly drug war, but then the film inexplicably becomes about protecting the teenage daughter of a cartel boss, pretty much dropping the whole “war” aspect and instead being a small-scale thriller. It’s not bad, per se, but it’s definitely false advertising. In addition to Benicio Del Toro and Josh Brolin’s Adventures in Babysitting, there’s also a subplot about a Mexican-American teen who gets roped into working for a cartel helping them smuggle people and contraband across the border, that is pretty much pointless and uninteresting until it comes together with the main plot in the last act.
It’s hard to describe how I feel about the film. Like, it’s a solid, sometimes nicely brutal thriller that’s never boring and even pretty gripping at certain parts, but due to the change of direction it took, the film feels kind of pointless. I’m not sure what, if anything, it has to say about the cycle of violence from the War on Drugs and U.S./Mexico relations that the first film didn’t already say, but better. My friend and I came out of the theater thinking it was pretty good, but the more we discussed the plot holes and odd character development (like how Del Toro’s character becomes a protective guardian to a teen girl despite capping an entire family in the last film), the more we realized we didn’t like it all that much. And the film certainly doesn’t have any gripping set pieces like the border crossing from “Sicario”. And whereas the first film felt like a grand, almost surreal thriller with a lot on its mind, this film feels more like a conventional sequel, especially when it unfortunately tries to grow a moral compass near the end. It’s not a chore to sit through and you’ll probably be into it, and Del Toro and Brolin still act with enough conviction to make this watchable, but it’s ultimately kind of forgettable and definitely misleading.
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69. The Predator
Of the many movies I’ve seen, there have been plenty of films that have annoyed, angered, bored, and (even one or two that) genuinely offended me. But I cannot recall a movie that has left me as bitterly disappointed as Shane Black’s “The Predator”. Sure, there was “A Good Day to Die Hard”, but looking back on it, that film was deep-fried dog poo from the get-go. If back then I put an ounce of effort into researching it beforehand, I’d have known that a film directed by John “Style Over Substance but Without the Style” Moore and written by Skip “I Won’t Let a Lobotomy and a Few Extra Chromosomes Stop Me from Shitting out a Screenplay” Woods would inevitably be awful, and I only let my love for the “Die Hard” franchise color my vision before I actually saw the film.
With “The Predator”, it seemed like a sure thing. A big-budget R-Rated “Predator” soft-reboot about misfit soldiers hunting a Predator in modern suburbia written and directed by Shane Black seemed like a surefire hit, and my expectations were raised even higher by that rad poster. My anticipation was so high that I didn’t even let the very average trailers throw me off, having convinced myself that Black’s films are unique and hard to market. I even elected to shell out the dough and see the film at the Toronto International Film Festival. So taking my year-long anticipation and traveling several hundred miles and paying extra to see this film into account, I apologize if this review is over-long, but like a scatophile with an upcoming meeting, I got shit to get off my chest.
I almost immediately noticed stuff going wrong (SPOILERS but who cares). First, the implication that the trailer gave was that the plot was about a young boy who acquires Predator tech and inadvertently brings a Predator ship crashing to Earth which leads to the ensuing fight. The film actually opens with a big space chase between two ships that ends with one getting shot down to Earth. This doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but it signified two things to me that eventually ended up being true, which were 1. The film had a hellacious production that involved lots of the film getting reshot/rewritten in order to change the plot, and 2. The reason there are warring Predator factions that come to Earth would be mind-numbingly stupid.
Anyway, the Predator lands on earth, fights our main character Quinn McKenna (a name that sounds like Shane Black wrote in in the 80’s while on coke), then gets captured and sent to a shadowy government research lab. The first act is slow, but picks up once Sterling K. Brown’s government agent shows up. Naturally, the Predator breaks out, and starts hunting for McKenna’s autistic son, who secretly received the alien tech via mail from his dad. McKenna breaks out of government custody himself and teams up with a group of whacky, misfit, PTSD-afflicted soldiers and a biologist played by Olivia Munn to hunt down the Predator before it gets to his son. This part of the film is actually pretty good, as it feels simple, relatively focused, and has funny character interactions and dialogue. It’s in the 3rd act that the film that the film becomes kind of awful, starting with a lame stand-off and ending with a borderline incomprehensible forest fight in which almost all established characters get picked off one-by-one. I especially want to mention that Sterling K. Brown (the main human antagonist) dies at one point, but it happens so quickly and unclearly that I didn’t even notice it and had to look it up after the movie ended. And finally, the film culminates with the most cringe-worthy and pathetically optimistic sequel-baiting epilogue I think I’ve ever seen.
Shane Black has always been a much better writer than director, so I can forgive some unexciting action scenes that are filled with endless, ineffective machinegun fire. But what I can’t forgive is what a mess the plot is, and how thin and undeveloped and inconsistent pretty much all the characters are. Olivia Munn is a just a biologist, but when the Predator escapes her lab, she grabs a tranquilizer rifle and starts chasing after it, running around on rooftops and jumping onto a moving bus like some badass action hero, and at no point does she use her scientific know-how to help defeat it. Maybe she had a backstory about being military-trained in an earlier cut, but without the explanation, she just feels ridiculous, like the filmmakers confused being badass for having an actual character. It’s a shame because Olivia Munn is actually decent here, showing enough life to suggest she could do well in action films (much more than in “X-Men: Apocalypse”, anyway).
All of the loony squad feel like one-trait archetypes, except for Alfie Allen’s character, who is a no-trait nothing. Again, a shame, because most of the actors playing them are fun and know how to be funny, particularly “Moonlight” star Trevante Rhodes and Thomas Jane, the latter of whom is unfortunately saddled with a Tourette’s gimmick and just swears obnoxiously, akin to the film itself.  Keegan Michael Key, however, feels very out of place, and even by this film’s standards feels overly cartoonish.
Jacob Tremblay stars as the autistic son, but the movie kind of keeps forgetting about his autism until it’s needed for the plot (yes, the film literally weaponizes autism at one point), and he just has to act like a boring regular kid for much of it.
Australian geek goddess Yvonne Strahovski only has one measly scene as the main character’s estranged wife where she gives a speech and is then abandoned for the rest of the movie. I got really excited at the idea of Strahovski getting her due and actually tagging along for this big-budget action film, but that’s just another notch on the disappointment list.
Jake Busey plays the son of his dad’s character in “Predator 2”, and since I think “Predator 2” is the single most underappreciated film ever, I was hyped to see some sort of canonical acknowledgement of my beloved and unfairly maligned sequel. But Busey is a scientist in the lab and he’s also in the movie for just one scene where he delivers some expository dialogue and gets injured. He doesn’t die, mind, which would have given the film a good excuse to write him off; he just gets mildly injured and never appears again.
Sterling K. Brown is actually the highlight of the cast, taking all his character’s smart-ass, tough-guy dialogue and adding some real pizazz to it. He steals pretty much every scene he’s in, but it’s a shame that his character is needlessly antagonistic. He decides to hunt down and kill the soldiers for no real reason, which just makes that entire conflict feel forced.
Last on the cast is Boyd Holbrook who plays the main character, and all I’ll say about Holbrook is that he’s literally just an American Charlie Hunnam, but about 5% less boring.
I really want to hate this film, and I suppose I do, but if you shut your brain off and lower your expectations so much that even an ant couldn’t limbo under them, I won’t deny the film is watchable and mildly entertaining. Though the gags and one-liners are much shallower than his usual sharp wit, Shane Black still knows how to make these jokes work in the moment. I was expecting a ton of forced Marvel-esque references to past Predator films, but thankfully, there are only a small handful (the “Get to the chopper” reference is even pretty funny here). And the film moves quickly enough that you only really notice a lot of the flaws after it ends.
This project was an ambitious attempt to marry the macho 80’s attitude with modern action sensibilities and a healthy amount of gore, and even with all its flaws, you can see and appreciate the attempts while watching the film. But this mercenary sequel-baiting mentality just doesn’t suit the Predator franchise. The movies are just very simple, self-contained stories of people coming into contact with extraterrestrial hunters, and (other than the irredeemably awful “AVP: Requiem”) all of them turned out good. Trying to set up a sequel in which our boring main character uses a mechanical Predator suit to fight future battles just left a bitter taste in my mouth. That, not the messy plotting or poor characters or dull action scenes, is what hurts “The Predator” most, because the film’s desire to offer explanations and ideas and “lore” sabotages its own story’s focus and pacing, and it even tries to ruin the mystery and wonder the previous films instilled. Maybe Shane Black was drunk, or didn’t have his heart in it, or he purposely tried to make it awful as a joke and see if he could get away with it. It sucks, because I really want R-Rated sci-fi tentpoles like this to make a comeback, and the sparks of life this film had gave me just enough hope that it would work, but the direction this film took makes me kind of glad it flopped. And that is a sad far cry from how I first felt about this film’s existence.
Anyway:
Predator > Predator 2 > AVP > Predators > The Predator > literal dogshit > AVP: Requiem
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68. Halloween
I feel like I don’t have much to say about 2018’s “Halloween”. It’s a faithful sequel to John Carpenter’s 1978 original (which I do like a lot) that eschews all the convoluted sequels and remakes that came after. The plot is nicely straightforward; Michael Myers escapes a mental hospital and starts killing folks, and Laurie (traumatized and hardened after the events 40 years prior) goes on the hunt to protect her family. It’s a solidly made movie, with some scary, efficient thrills, a kickass performance by Jamie Lee Curtis, and a wonderfully atmospheric score by Carpenter himself. If you like slasher films, this film comes easily recommended. Personally, I’ve never been a big fan of slashers because that it just feels like they sell themselves on murdering innocent people in brutal ways, and that’s always felt exploitative and uncomfortable for me. Yes, I know complaining about a horror film making me uncomfortable is like complaining that being in the submissive end of an S&M relationship feels demeaning, but it just doesn’t appeal to me.
This film actually takes the time to characterize its victims (usually in the few minutes before they get pulped by Myers), and most of them are kind of likeable. It’s a letdown that the second biggest douche in the movie (the main girl’s philandering boyfriend) never gets his comeuppance, as he just vanishes halfway through the film. And the biggest douche in the movie (no spoiler) is at the center of the most retarded and unnecessary plot twist I’ve ever seen in a horror film, and it’s just a nonsensical and convoluted way to get some characters where they need to be for the finale. Still, despite that really stupid moment, the film is fairly solid. After the slow and kind of silly opening ends and Michael breaks free, the film delivers exactly what is expected of it with style and some welcome humor courtesy of co-writer Danny McBride and that little black kid who is probably the funniest minor character of any 2018 film.
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67. Hotel Artemis
In the near-future, in a world plunged into chaos by dwindling resources, and in the midst of a massive Los Angeles riot, a secret member-only hospital for criminals called Hotel Artemis is run by a nurse (Jodie Foster) and her assistant (Dave Bautista). The converted hotel has strict rules such as no violence and weapons on the premises among others, and naturally they all get broken over the course of a single night, as various criminals (Sterling K. Brown, Sofia Boutella, and Jeff Goldblum among others) with their own agendas end up at the hospital. This sounds like a rad premise, but the plot takes it in pretty much the most generic direction possible, with assassination and revenge and other boring shit. It doesn’t help that most of the characters are just one-note stock character criminals (the professional, the femme fatale, the obnoxious wise-guy, etc.) who speak entirely in clichĂ©s and callbacks to earlier dialogue with a “lesson learned” feel that I’m sure the writer felt oh-so clever when he came up with them. That the plot revolves around these characters so much is a letdown, as I’d love to see a movie about the nurse and assistant going about their business on an average work day.
With the exception of Charlie Day as the wise-guy who can’t go one sentence without saying “fuck” or screaming in an embarrassing mobster voice, the cast is great, with Jeff Goldblum being the best part of the movie, though he unfortunately only gets like 5-10 minutes of screentime. Sofia Boutella may be kind of typecast as a femme-fatale at this point in her career, but damned if she doesn’t do it so well. She even gets a sweet corridor fight scene against several goons that really shows off her athleticism. Foster and Bautista are also great, though it’s worth mentioning that while a fight scene from Bautista is teased, we only get shown a few snippets from it rather than an extended beat-down, which feels like a huge missed opportunity.
“Hotel Artemis” is a great premise in search of a story, a great cast in search of actual characters, and a great visual style (the crumbling art-deco halls serving as a nice visual metaphor for America’s societal decay) in search of direction. I hope more original, mid-budget genre films like this get made, just with proper care instead of a script made of individual, unrelated sticky notes. Seriously, this is Jodie Foster’s first film in 5 years, and this is the script that made her want to act again?
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66. Anna and the Apocalypse
Despite my general dislike for musicals, I was actually really looking forward to “Anna and the Apocalypse”, a Scottish Christmas-zombie-musical about a high school girl and her friends who find themselves in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. It’s worth noting that this is an actual musical, as it has songs well spread-out over its running time instead of just front-loading them (*cough* La La Land *cough*), with the best probably being “Turning My Life Around”, which plays as the characters sing-and-hop to school blissfully unaware of the apocalypse happening around them. The first half is breezy and fun, with some juicy zombie kills, but the problem with the movie is that it never quite maintains the wonderful genre-mashing absurdity of that sequence, as everything that follows after is a pretty unoriginal zombie picture that just happens to have some songs in it.
The film places emphasis on its characters, which is nice, and it has some touching moments as it wants to be as much a drama as it does a comedy. Too bad that much of the humor fell flat for me, and it was hard to stay invested dramatically due to the characters’ incredible stupidity and how easily they let themselves get killed by slow, shambling undead. I know that suspension of disbelief is required for a horror movie (especially a zombie one), but I just couldn’t get past it. The film never really does anything clever with either genre, nor does it blend them in a way that’s satisfying.
The cast is game, the premise is unique, some of the songs are good, and I can even forgive the modest budget. The film is breezy enough that it’s watchable. But ultimately, the tone is all over the place, the direction is scattershot, the script is pedestrian, and a film I was excited for ultimately became just another musical with a promising first half and a sigh-inducing second. I’d genuinely like to see this get remade, because with a better script, a better director, a higher budget, and a more focused approach, this could have been something really special. I appreciate that that’s almost like saying it’d be better if it was a completely different movie, but there you have it.
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65. Can You Ever Forgive Me?
Continuing my contrarian streak from “Roma” comes my opinion of “Can You Ever Forgive Me?”, the critically acclaimed biopic of biographer Lee Israel and her foray into the world of forging letters by famous people and selling them to collectors. I want to clarify that I in no way think the film is bad or that anyone involved did their job poorly. The filmmaking is solid, the script has some good insights into self-destructive personalities, and the acting is excellent, with Melissa McCarthy playing against type in a serious role that really shows how much those garbage studio comedies waste her talents, and Richard E. Grant as her flamboyantly gay partner-in-crime, even if he is just playing an older and gayer version of Withnail. My problem is just the story itself. Did you wet yourself at the prospect of seeing a film about art forgery? I’m not saying there isn’t any merit to Israel’s story, but I don’t agree with the filmmakers that it’s worthy of a feature-length film. It’s a low-key approach to a low-key character, and it’s honestly kind of dry and boring, without some grand insight about art and writing or even much emotional punch to it. While it’s refreshing that it’s not your typical crime drama, it still follows the same rise-and-fall/crime doesn’t pay structure, and it’s ultimately little more than an acting showcase. And honestly, I can’t recommend a film that bad-mouths Tom Clancy the way this does.
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64. The Commuter
Take director Jaume Collet-Serra and star Liam Neeson’s 2014 film “Non-Stop”, switch Liam Neeson from an Air Marshal to a cop-turned-businessman, make the conspiracy smaller in scale and more about the negative effects of capitalism instead of 9/11, and add a scene of Liam Neeson beating the shit out of a dude using a left-handed guitar, and you have “The Commuter”. It’s not as good or as ridiculous as “Non-Stop”. The material is pretty boilerplate, and pretty much every aspect of the production is solid if unremarkable, but Liam Neeson can still carry a geriatric action film, which makes sense since he’s the one who almost single-handedly popularized the genre. Like all mysteries, it becomes less fun once you figure out what’s going on, but while “The Commuter” is a bumpy ride, it’ll still get you to the end of the line.
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63. Manhunt
For the most part, this feels like John Woo made a silly modern action movie that doubles as a parody of John Woo movies. Many of his trademark mannerisms (wild operatic gun-fu, child endangerment, adversarial friendship that border closely on the homoerotic, doves, etc.) return, but it’s all wrapped up in such a silly, twisty, over-the-top story with stuff like evil pharmaceutical corporations, mind control drugs and super soldier serums, that it’s impossible to take seriously by the standards of his early Hong Kong classics. But as nonsensical and convoluted as the story is, it’s more of a loose framework in order for him to hang his melodramatic masculinity and action sequences on, and on this end the movie is actually quite entertaining. While Woo has succumbed a bit to over-editing and using CGI coupled with a kind-of ugly digital look, he still knows how to direct the hell out of an action scene (the mid-movie farmhouse shootout jolting you into remembering how good of an action director he is). While it’s pretty much impossible to connect with this film as far as story and character go, it represents a nice return to form stylistically for Woo, who injects enough imagination and infectious fun into “Manhunt” to make this schlock worth checking out.
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62. A Simple Favor
Normally when reviewing a film, one would say a big-shot director is coming hot off the success of their latest film, but after the failure of 2016’s “Ghostbusters”, writer/director Paul Feig comes colder than a snowman with premature ejaculation, which brings us to his latest film “A Simple Favor”, an adaptation of some airport bookstore trash about a mommy vlogger (Anna Kendrick) who tries to solve the mystery behind her cool new friend’s (Blake Lively) sudden disappearance. The film has a lot of the hallmarks of Paul Feig’s shittiness; characters talk like young, smartass, improv-comedy troup performers in really unnecessary moments, the film is about half an hour too long, and Feig is still very much a point-and-shoot type of director with no visual wit or style of his own.
If that paragraph has convinced you to skip this, brace yourself, because this movie is actually sort of good. In fact, it’s really good for much of its running time, as you follow these shitty, self-centered people scheme and fuck around in a sort of poor-man’s “Gone Girl”. It’s kind of amazing how much a little focus and a smaller scale can improve a Paul Feig film, ‘cause despite my endless railing on him, he’s actually created a mostly solid movie here. The material is, again, just airport trash, but by embracing the trashiness rather than shying away from it, the film has a fun spirit that makes it enjoyable. It’s only in the last half hour where the film gets overly twisty and more than a bit stupid and it starts to fall apart. Anna Kendrick’s character, despite being subtly manipulative and obsessive throughout the film, never gets her comeuppance, like the film refuses to acknowledge her own shittiness. The film just wraps up too neatly with a happy ending considering what’s come before it, with the climax ending with a comic-relief minor character running someone over before they shoot someone in an eye-rolling “Dumb People Clap” moment.
Still, as I said, the film works and is intriguing for much of the running time, and if you can put up with its more annoying elements, the whole film is worth watching just for Blake Lively’s hilarious and venomous performance. If this was a tighter and more serious film, she’d be contending for Oscar gold.
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61. Damsel
Robert “Fuck Twilight” Pattinson stars as a man named Samuel, a wealthy pioneer in the Old West who enlists the help of a drunk clergyman to venture across the frontier so he can marry his beloved Penelope (played by Mia Wasikowska). As they reach their destination we learn that certain characters and their relationships were not what we were lead to believe. It’s a fun, clever subversion of Western heroes and the women who so often play lovers or victims or both, with really solid performances all around and a number of funny moments (one character throwing a stone at the clergyman’s face actually made me do a spit-take). My problem with the movie is that its story doesn’t really justify its length. Halfway through is when the movie makes a hard-right turn, making the point that Wasikowska’s character isn’t a damsel-in-distress. Then the movie just keeps going for another hour, continuing to make that point, along with “The Old West sucked”. The movie feels like a segment from “The Ballad of Buster Scruggs” stretched out to two hours. Certainly not an unenjoyable two hours, but the film kind of just leisurely exists for that amount of time and then ends. The miniature horse makes it worth it, though.
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60. Crazy Rich Asians
From the director of “GI Joe: Retaliation” comes this year’s best (and possibly only, I haven’t checked) romantic comedy. The film is about an economics professor at NYU who travels to Singapore to meet her boyfriend’s family, only to find out that they’re not only amount the richest families in East Asia, they also have mixed feelings about their prodigal son dating an American. It’s a bit weird how the film has a pretty uncritical portrayal of the super-wealthy upper class, with the first hour feeling like a travelogue that focuses the visual wonderment and diverse culture of Singapore (including food porn scenes that’ll make some Buzzfeed editor seethe with jealousy). It’s only at the halfway point before any conflict is actually introduced into the plot, and at that point it becomes more engaging. While glaringly unoriginal as a rom-com and filled with go-nowhere subplots and more pointless asides than my film reviews, the pretty set design/costumes/people, charming cast (especially Michelle Yeoh, who always kicks ass, figuratively or literally), and tried and true formula make this an altogether pleasant film.
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59. Braven
Residing in the upper-tier of direct-to-video action films is 2018’s “Braven”. Jason Momoa plays a man named Braven, a logger and family-man in a snowy mountain town who runs afoul of gangsters who have stashed cocaine at his isolated cabin. The movie is pretty much a siege film as he and his father (who partially suffers from dementia) hold off the thugs, though Braven’s wife and daughter also get involved, etc. The movie is a moves along at a nice clip, is very well-shot, and the cast is strong, with Momoa himself making a good impression on me as a likable action star (I haven’t seen “Game of Thrones” outside of that one gif). I like that the movie shows him as crafty but desperate, adding much-needed humanity to a guy who looks like he can bite someone’s head clean off. I really like that his wife is not a damsel in distress and can actually kick ass herself, but believably and not in the over-the-top ultra-serious badass action heroine role. Sure, the bad guys as super generic (apart from a fun, douchebag henchman played by “Fargo” star Zahn McClarnon), and the climactic fight ends on a bit of a silly note, but this is a film that makes the most of its limited budget and location. I especially want to mention a moment with a flaming axe (see the above pic) that not only single-handedly makes the whole film worth watching, and made me laugh so hard I had to pause the film, but it’s also the single greatest cinematic moment of 2018. The movie’s a fun watch, but if you’re pressed for time, skip to 1 hour and 14 minutes into the movie to see it. As of writing, the film is on Amazon Prime, and I promise you won’t regret it.
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58. Hold the Dark
Much like Duncan Jones, Jeremy Saulnier is a filmmaker whose first impression (“Blue Ruin”) floored me with how good it was, and whose subsequent features have gotten noticeably weaker. Not exactly a ringing start to this review, but Saulnier hasn’t reached Mute-levels of awfulness (not yet, anyway), and his latest “Hold the Dark” is still pretty good. It tells the story of a hunter being summoned to Alaska by a grieving mother to hunt down the wolves who took her son, as he (literally, at one point) uncovers something more sinister. Naturally, as can be expected from Saulnier and the title, the film gets really dark, with grueling, hard-to-watch violence punctuating this bleak tale. The problem is that the film doesn’t really have much in the way of sympathetic characters for you to latch on to, so the darkness is really all there is. The characters who do bad things in the film (no spoiler) all talk in this bizarre, ethereal tone of voice, like they’re not from planet Earth and they’re just talking at other people rather than to them. It just screams pretentious arty trash to me, and it’s kind of laughable the way a couple of characters wear wooden animal masks and we’re supposed to think it’s creepy as opposed to stupid. Maybe if the film actually had some clear point to make, I’d feel more positive towards the stuff that we as an audience are asked to endure (the closest thing to a point I could think of is that “people are the real wolves”). Still, despite the film’s unnecessary desire to “be about something”, it ultimately works as a grim, splendidly-shot, and really well-acted mystery-thriller. I saw this at the Toronto film festival at 10 in the morning, and I can honestly say that I can’t think of a shittier and more miserable way to start one’s day (I mean that in a good way). I still think highly of Saulnier, but I do hope that if he keeps making these dark ruminations on violence, he would stick to the human elements rather than the metaphysical ones.
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57. Unsane
A twisty psychological thriller from Steven Soderbergh about a young woman who gets involuntarily committed to a mental institution and starts to question her sanity totally sounds like my cup of tea, but the film only ends up on the “pretty good” end of the scale of Garbage-Awesome, and it’s chiefly due to one reason; without spoiling too much, the film plays its card far too soon and reveals about half an hour in whether she’s actually crazy or not. After that, this psychological thriller kind of loses the psychological aspect, and becomes more of a schlocky, nasty Lifetime movie. It’s still decent, thanks to the good cast (especially a strong Claire Foy in the lead) and the intelligent subtext about mental health, abuse, capitalism, consent, etc. The film was shot on an iPhone, which does make the film kind of look like shit, but it enhances the tight, claustrophobic environment our protagonist is trapped in, so I’m fine with it. The ending however, where it ends on a freeze-frame and slow zoom as the credits play, feels like something a B-average film school student would do.
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56. Apostle
If, like me, you watch this thinking that Gareth Evans would bring the same balls-to-the-wall action sensibilities to this early-20th-century cult thriller that he did to his “The Raid” films, you’d be sadly mistaken. While there are a few (and I mean a small few) brutal and totally rad moments of action, Evans is much more interested in a slow-burn cult movie that deals with organized religion and loss of faith that eventually degrades into gruesome violence, madness and even some creepy supernatural stuff. Evans shoots the film really well, contrasting the gorgeous and sprawling Welsh exteriors with grimy and uncomfortable interiors, and Dan Stevens kicks ass as a former man of God who infiltrates a remote island to rescue his kidnapped sister from the cult and dealing with its three head figures. “Apostle” is slow and maybe a bit too long, but it never bored me and it’s a fun, straightforward ride that doesn’t contain any unnecessary twists. It’s a film whose grasp perfectly matches its modestly ambitious reach, and there’s something to be said for that.
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55. Destination Wedding
This movie is just Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder bickering with each other for 80 minutes. That’s no exaggeration; it’s literally the entire movie. They play two bitter and jaded guests at a wedding, who after initial hostility find in each other someone to vent to. There are background extras (and one mountain lion), but otherwise, they have all the dialogue and the film is just several extended conversations, often shot with long-takes with little-to-no camera movement or onscreen directing. The film is very play-like and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn if that’s what it was originally intended to be, and that unfortunately comes with what I call “theater dialogue”; y’know, the way actors onstage sound like smartass writers bouncing ideas off of each other, always having the perfect retort to what the other is saying, and is so wildly overwritten that it’s impossible to see these characters as actual people. It can be annoying initially, but Reeves and Ryder are so charming that they make it work through sheer charisma. It’s easy to imagine this film falling apart in the hands of lesser actors, and while it can be a bit too cutesy at times (especially the ending and the way it gets built to), it’s ultimately a fun verbal spar about relationships between two misanthropes who have nothing positive in common. It’s always wonderful to see Ryder in a feature film, and super fun to see Keanu play a total bitch.
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54. Black Panther
Isn’t it weird to live in a world where the most culturally significant film of the year is a comic book movie with CGI war rhinos? Maybe it’s just my inner contrarian talking, but I can’t help but be baffled at not so much the financial success (the Marvel/Disney juggernaut has shown no sign of slowing down), but rather the critical praise and awards that have been bestowed upon this film. I’m not naïve; I know that this praise stems mainly from the film’s inclusivity (I hesitate to use the word “diversity” since the cast is all black save for a couple of white dudes) and for being the first film of this size to have a mostly-black cast and be directed by a black director. Quality-wise, on the other hand, “Black Panther” strikes me as just slightly above average for Marvel, and all the more disappointing considering all the talent involved.
The story is initially about T’Challa/Black Panther, the newly crowned king and protector of the isolated and highly technologically-advanced African country of Wakanda, who struggles with the duties of being king while also hunting for arms dealer Ulysses Klaue, who robbed his country of some of their precious metal vibranium, killing lots of his people in the process. Eventually the plot morphs into a power struggle for the throne by T’Challa’s long-estranged cousin Erik/Killmonger, who has become bitter and angry over their country’s isolationism and refusal to help the oppressed peoples of the world, along with his own personal connection to T’Challa’s father.
The plot is nicely focused without having too many villains, and isn’t encumbered with lots of pointless action scenes. What action there is, however, is too reliant on CGI and not enough on genuine excitement or imagination, and feel like a massive step down from director Ryan Coogler’s excellent fight scenes in “Creed”. The finale in particular is pretty lame, with some spaceships shooting each other in the sky while a bunch of extras fight in a field, while Black Panther and Evil Black Panther fight on a murky train track, and it all looks like a PS2 cutscene if the PS2 had an axe lodged in it. Even the one-on-one duels during the challenges to the throne suffer from the shaky-cam/fast-editing cancer combo, missing even a nice dose of brutality to the kicks and punches. If anything feels like Marvel’s formulaic nature stifling a talented filmmaker, it’s the action in “Black Panther”.
Speaking of which, for all of this film’s wonderful costumes and artistic design, the film feels like it’s not showing nearly enough of Wakanda. We get a few flyovers of the main city and one street where people walk happily along, but most of the time in Wakanda is either in fields or a lab where Black Panther’s Q (and sister) makes gadgets and patches people up for him. So much hype is made about the wonderment of Wakanda, but visually we really don’t see much that’s interesting in it. The sequence in Seoul where it briefly becomes a Black Bond film (the best part of the movie) is also the best looking part because of Seoul’s naturally pretty nighttime aesthetic. It’s really only in the dream sequences where characters speak to their fathers in some ancestral plane where the film finds its own visual groove (love that purple), but this only happens a couple of times in the movie. And while there’s some creative camerawork at play, the colors mostly feel the usual muted way they do in Marvel’s films, the film desperately needing some vibrant stylization and color (ironically).
The story shows flashes of ambition and works better than the action or the visuals. Michael B. Jordan’s Killmonger has considerably more depth than the typical one-dimensional Marvel villain, his anger stemming from the real world injustice that his people have faced for centuries, and wants Wakanda to take global power and help the oppressed of the world. This stuff feels so real that the film almost seems scared to embrace him, so of course they have to counteract his valid points by making him a murderous psychopath who executes people who don’t fall in line with him, and who wants to spread laser-guns around the world and start World War 3 (I guess I shouldn’t expect too much for a character named Killmonger). The film makes the occasional stab at political awareness, but never quite commits to it, which just makes the ending speech about opening borders feel so frying-pan-to-the-head blunt that it could have been written by Spike Lee. Speaking of villains, Andy Serkis is very entertaining as the arms dealer Klaue, bringing so much swagger in every scene he’s in that the impish fun he’s having is infectious, so it's unfortunate that the movie gets rid of him so early, even if it’s understandable why.
The rest of the characters are a mixed bag.  While the king's sister/gadget scientist is a bit annoying at times (the "WHAT ARE THOOOSE?" line made my skin crawl), she's played with enough enthusiasm and comic timing that she works. I really like the character of Okoye, the king's bodyguard/general, because she has an interesting moral conflict in the film as her unwavering loyalty to the throne clashes with her personal beliefs and convictions (the film would have probably been better if it was about her). I even like Martin Freeman as the film's tag-along CIA agent (and token white guy), and the bit players all have their moment to shine. The main problem with the cast is actually T'Challa himself. It's refreshing that he's not the same smarmy, quippy white dude that all the other heroes are, but while they got rid of that trait, the writers forgot to replace it with anything else. How can you describe his personality? Noble? Boring? The character has a good conflict set up for him, a new king thrust upon the throne by tragedy and struggling to determine Wakanda's future, but he just has no charisma in this film, something desperately needed if Chadwick Boseman (who is generally a good actor) is to carry his own franchise.
Ultimately, "Black Panther" works as another solid Marvel film, the safety net of Marvel's lack of ambition being slightly elevated by a good cast, the Seoul scenes, the villains, and Ludwig Göransson's kick-ass score. But ultimately, the few reaches that "Black Panther" makes for greatness only serve to highlight how cookie-cutter the rest of the film feels. Other than its brief flirtations with interesting subject matter and the refreshing sight of an action blockbuster’s cast having an average melanin level greater than 1%, it’s still more typical MCU, filled with lame humor, a dull and muted color palette, and the same ol’ large, cluttered 3rd-act battle filled with embarrassingly bad CGI. Wakanda Whatever.
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53. Suspiria
Coming hot off of the success of “Call Me By Your Name” is director Luca Guadagnino, who follows up his film about lovely scenery and hot peen-on-peen action with “Suspiria”, a film with really dreary scenery and no sex (or dudes) whatsoever, and remake of Dario Argento’s beloved 1977 horror flick. The basic premise is the same; a young American girl attends a prestigious German dance academy but soon finds that there’s spooky supernatural shit going on. Like most good remakes, 2018’s “Suspiria” uses the same basic premise to explore new themes and have an almost completely different style. I’m not going to go into the plot too much because the film is less about the plot and more about the fantastical series of sounds and images that you experience. You could also say there’s a lot of subtext about feminism, East German politics, fascism, terrorism, power, etc. The film drops references to all of these things liberally throughout the film, but I feel like it doesn’t have an actual point it’s trying to make about any of them and if you say otherwise, I bet you’re full of shit.
I’m fine with a movie not wanting to be transparent, but this film is so opaque that I personally saw nothing through it. Sure, I could try to cobble together the film’s myriad of flirtations with actual points and convince myself I saw something significant, but in all honesty, I’m not trying to impress any film-school friends of mine. To me, the film is little more than a phantasmagoria of sounds and visuals masquerading as something deep, so in a way it’s a pretty faithful remake of Argento’s original. And don’t get me wrong, I still like the movie as that, admiring the technical aspects (the cinematography and atmosphere are out of this world), a number of genuinely unnerving sequences, and Tilda Swinton’s performances (she can stare a hole through a wall, best exemplified by a wonderful scene at a restaurant later in the film). But where the first film was vibrant, surreal, and appealingly simple, the 2018 film is cold, pretentious, and way too fucking long. But again, I still enjoyed the experience of it. I equate “Suspiria” to the time I saw an interpretive dance version of “The Tempest” back in college; I didn’t pretend to understand it, and I don’t think there’s as much to understand as the creators think there is, but I still enjoyed seeing those sexy people in skin-tight clothing perform all those elaborate dance sequences.
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52. Summer of ‘84
I’m glad we’re finally getting over the whole 80’s nostalgia fad, even if we’re just moving on to the 90’s instead (can’t wait until we start listening to grunge and doing crack again). And from the filmmakers of 2015’s delightful “Turbo Kid” comes “Summer of ‘84”, which feels like one of the last squeezes of the tube of 80’s nostalgia toothpaste.
The plot is about a teenager who begins to suspect that his outwardly friendly neighbor and local cop is a serial killer, so he enlists his friends to investigate and possibly expose him. Of course, the film is bathed in references to 80’s stuff and the exact electro music you’d expect to be the score, but the film actually quite intelligently subverts what we’ve come to expect from these nostalgia fests, bringing the rose-tinted past into the frightening reality of that decade. As the investigation progresses and shit gets more and more real, the nostalgia starts to wash away and it becomes a genuinely frightening thriller, and the climax of the film chilled me to my bones.
I understand the criticism of this movie feeling slow and drawn out, as much of the first hour is the kids investigating and finding one suspicious, inconclusive clue after another, but I liked the characters and their interactions enough that it didn’t bother me too much. It was refreshing to let the cast breathe and emphasize that this is as much a coming-of-age film as it is a mystery. The cast is damn good; their chemistry and banter is believable and it’s refreshing to have teens in a movie actually feel like teens, and the adult actors play their archetypal roles very well. Some of the characters’ actions and motivations become a bit nonsensical when you think about them, especially towards the end. I guess it’s standard for characters in horror films act like imbeciles, but it’s still annoying when everything else works so well.
But again, if you’re patient, I ultimately recommend “Summer of ‘84” as both an effective mystery thriller and a clever and unexpectedly poignant subversion of the past several years of 80’s revivals, and the last 15 minutes of the film will definitely stick with you whether you want them to or not.
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51. Annihilation
After a small meteor crashes into Earth and creates a mysterious quarantined zone called “The Shimmer”, a team of military scientists lead by Natalie Portman ventures inside to investigate and look for the previous missing teams that have gone into the film. Most people who review this would write a lengthy dissertation on the film’s thought-provoking themes and visuals, but while the film definitely held my interest, I didn’t personally get anything deep and meaningful out of it. There are plenty of scary and other-worldly things that happen in the film, but the film respects the audience enough to not hold their hand and explain everything (the really unnecessary framing device notwithstanding), and I would recommend watching the film and seeing what you get out of it, as long as you don’t mind slow, obtuse, and heady sci-fi. I’d say that the film’s main weakness is just that the characters aren’t terribly compelling. The film is basically Tarkovsky’s “Stalker” with estrogen, but the characters in “Stalker” were interesting and had compelling motivations for venturing into The Zone. While the characters in “Annihilation” have some backstory and motivation revealed, they aren’t terribly interesting, mostly talking in quiet, serious tones that make them feel more robotic than intended.
Maybe you find this to be the deepest and most intellectually compelling movie of the year, or maybe you’ll just see it as an artsy monster-horror with boring acting. But again, I’d recommend checking this out for the interesting ideas and Alex Garland’s strong visual style, and because two scenes in this (one involving found footage of a previous team, and another with a mutated bear) are genuinely terrifying, unnerving, and are likely to stay with you for a while after you see this.
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50. Mohawk
From Ted Geoghegan (have fun trying to pronounce that name without looking up how), director of 2015’s tribute to Italian horror films “We Are Still Here”, comes his follow-up “Mohawk”. The film is about a trio of lovers, a Mohawk woman, a Mohawk man and a British man, who during the War of 1812 set fire to an encampment of American soldiers, and are subsequently hunted down by a squadron of vengeful survivors. Watching the film, you can tell it was made on a pretty low budget (much of the film is shot in the woods and the cinematography doesn’t quite make the film feel like it took place two centuries ago), but the props and costumes and make-up are all convincing enough that it’s not too bothersome. The film is a tense cat-and-mouse thriller that is surprisingly quiet and slow-paced with a minimal plot, and is pretty straightforward until things really kick in during the 3rd act, including a transformation of a character into what can only be described as a forest spirit, along with supernatural and hallucinatory sequences. It sounds very weird for the film to suddenly develop this way, but it sure as hell got my attention and I found it very entertaining. The acting (from mostly unknowns) is top-notch, with standout performances from Kaniehtiio Horn as the Mohawk woman, the malicious American leader with the comically huge ears (Google image search “Ezra Buzzington”), and WWE wrestler Jon “Luke Harper” Huber as a reluctant soldier. A solid “worth checking out” if you’re interested in a low-budget version of “The Last of the Mohicans”.
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49. Shock Wave
Straight from Hong Kong’s extremely dependable action-thriller assembly line comes “Shock Wave”, an awesomely-titled film about a bomb disposal officer who must lead negotiations when a criminal he betrayed several years ago as an undercover cop holds the busy Cross-Harbour Tunnel hostage, threatening to detonate it and kill all the civilians trapped inside. Much of the film is a tense hostage negotiation film, though in classic Hong Kong fashion the film manages to fit in car chases, shootouts, romance, explosive diffusing, corporate conspiracy and melodrama. The tone does tend to go all over the place, but the filmmaking skill and the strength of the actors (particularly lead Andy Lau) surprisingly hold it all together. The film has some really nice touches like the criminal’s arrested brother, who has reformed and just wants to serve his sentence, and assessment of the property damage and how much it can hurt the city. I’d say it feels like the filmmakers didn’t really know how to end the film, as after mounting frustration (SPOILER), the police kind of just say “fuck it” and do an all-out assault on the terrorists with irresponsible levels of collateral damage, although the ensuing bomb diffusing scene helped make up for it. All in all, a really solid and compelling movie with top-notch acting, and I especially want to mention a scene where a hostage (and off-duty cop) is forced to wear a bomb vest and the hero has to diffuse it while trying to reassure him, and this is one of the most harrowing, intense, and emotional scenes I’ve seen in any movie this year.
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48. Bad Times at the El Royale
Over the course of one day and night in 1969, several characters with checkered pasts and motivations all converge on a once prosperous motel on the California/Nevada border, and naturally their interactions and goals conflict and you begin to realize that not everyone will make it until morning. Its premise is very reminiscent of “The Hateful Eight”, only it actually has more on its mind than “everyone ends up shooting each other”. Like in Tarantino’s film (and like a lot of post-“Pulp Fiction” quirky crime films), the characters are pretty much all stock characters that can each be described in a brief sentence, but it feels deliberate, and the film feels like a response to those movies, asking the audience to look at their own propensity for voyeurism and to question the morality of the types of characters you typically root for. It takes these clichĂ©s and it gives them genuine purpose, if not much in terms of character depth.
I can’t quite say the story justifies its 2.5-hour length, but honestly I was never bored and I was pleased with how much time all the characters had to develop themselves and their relationships. The way the film shifts between characters’ perspectives using title cards and time jumps, as well as the steady stream of revelations about who’s good and who’s bad always manages to keep what’s going on feeling fresh. It’s certainly more subversive and thought-provoking than you’d expect, and it’s much subtler about its intentions than Drew Goddard’s previous film, the amusing but self-satisfied “Cabin in the Woods”. The cast is excellent (with the slight exception of Dakota Johnson, who only stands out in the sense that she’s the only one who doesn’t stand out), especially as the layers are peeled from their characters and their true selves are revealed. The film is gorgeously shot, the lavish retro dĂ©cor of the hotel nicely encapsulating its former glory and providing a nice contrast to its current status as a “pervert motel”.
Bringing it back to “The Hateful Eight”, the film’s dialogue isn’t as rich or characters as full-blooded, and the filmmaking is (purposefully) less flashy and wild, but “Bad Times at the El Royale” is still a twisty, clever, surprisingly thoughtful and always interesting crime thriller. If the daunting length doesn’t dissuade you, this comes easily recommended, especially if the thought of Chris Hemsworth being shirtless for much of his screen-time entices you.
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47. Upgrade
Logan “Stop Calling me Tom Hardy” Marshall-Green plays a mechanic who, after a brutal attack that leaves his wife dead and him paralyzed from the neck down, gets a second chance at life and revenge when an experimental AI chip is fused to his spine that not only gives him the ability to walk, but also superhuman strength and reaction speed. While the movie is not without its dramatic moments and intriguing sci-fi concepts, it’s nice that (unlike its forebear “Black Mirror”) the film doesn’t take itself too seriously. It actually becomes a lot of fun once our hero goes into badass cyborg-mode, and Marshall-Green is great here, playing a normal dude who starts to embrace his ridiculous circumstance in a way that’s funny and believable. Speaking of “badass cyborg”, the fight scenes in this are (while not frequent) so damn fun and unique. The first fight scene in particular is great, as the AI takes control, and our guy is kicking ass while being bewildered at how he’s not controlling his own body. Again, it’s a really impressive performance by Marshall-Green in that he makes all these acting plates spin so naturally. The cinematography/choreography during these scenes is also very distinct and cool, director Leigh Whannell (much like his buddy James Wan) showing an aptitude for genre films beyond just horror. The film is set in the near future, and the light-cyberpunk aesthetic and art design is subtle but effective in communicating its setting, as well as masking its low budget. Sure, the film can be slow at times, the dialogue isn’t great, the twist is fairly obvious, and a lot of the supporting roles are stock characters played by budget actors, but take it from someone who isn’t a fan of “Black Mirror”; I enjoyed this feature-length “Black Mirror” episode quite a lot.
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46. Avengers: Infinity War
Well, here we are, the culmination of 10 years and almost 20 films of the biggest movie franchise of all time, a two-and-a-half-hour conclusion of the massive amounts of stories, characters, Infinity Stones, and quips that have come before. Well, the 1st half of the culmination, anyway.
Thanos, who looks a cross between HafĂŸĂłr Björnsson and a California Raisin, has finally come in contact with the Avengers in his quest to obtain all six Infinity Stones in order to kill half the population in the universe in order to quell overpopulation (instead of, y’know, creating enough resources for everyone). I honestly don’t know what angle to take this review from, because I’m covering one of the biggest movies of all time, something that encompasses the best and worst of the MCU, and something unprecedented in terms of how much you need to know going in to get the intended experience. What’s even the point of whether I do or don’t recommend it? Either you’ve already seen it, or you haven’t watched the prerequisite 18 films of homework to understand what’s happening, in which case you probably shouldn’t bother.
What the film does poorly is the usual Marvel stuff; the dull colors, the repetitive fight scenes that just consist of really strong people punching or shooting lasers at each other a million times, and the humor. Oh God, the cringey quip-filled Marvel humor is on full display here, a minute rarely going by without a character uttering something lame and unfunny, and often in a situation that completely deflates the dramatic tension in a scene. Dave Bautista’s Drax is literally the only one who could make me laugh in the entire film, while every other time the audience guffawed at some “Well, isn’t this awkward?”-tier wisecrack, it made me feel like the most alienated person in the world.
What the film does well is the story and the villain. The film is weirdly structured, with only half of the film following the fractured Avengers groups mounting their own fight against Thanos’ forces and safeguarding the Stones that are in their position. The way the film’s limited time has to split itself between all the Avengers characters kind of limits all of their individual character development and interactions, though everyone gets a moment or two to shine, and the way the Russo Brothers manage to keep all these plates spinning is impressive. What’s really surprising is the other half of the movie which follows Thanos on his journey. The way the movie gives his character time to breathe and develop is startling considering how most Marvel villains are throwaways. He’s a genuinely compelling and even tragic character, who like a lot of great villains is 100% convinced of his own righteousness and is willing to sacrifice everything for what he believes to be the good of the universe, and is brought to life through terrific mo-cap acting from Josh Brolin. The film feels like two separate movies, one infinitely (har-har) more compelling that the other, but even the Avengers’ stories, for all the godawful humor, still had the occasional really compelling moment that kept me going; Thor’s admission of his own insecurities and loneliness because all of his loved ones are gone which he masks with his macho bravado, Gamora and Peter Quill's conversation over not letting her get captured by Thanos, the romance between Vision and Scarlett Witch, Thor and giant Peter Dinklage harnessing the power of a star to craft an axe*, etc.
And how could I go this long without mentioning the ending? Let’s get this straight, I fucking loved the ending of this movie, as it not only feels like a culmination of Thanos’ story, but the sheer shock factor of what happens made this like, the only genuinely jaw-dropping moment of possibly the entire series. Watching a crowd that was previously laughing at all the shitty jokes suddenly fall into deathly silence punctuated by gasps and cries was an incredible moment that made everything that came before worth it. As a friend of mine put it, it’s like studying really hard for a difficult exam, and then getting an A+ for your troubles. I think for the first time in the entire series, an MCU movie has ended with me saying “I cannot wait to see what happens next.” I guess it’s pretty obvious that not all of the characters who died will stay dead (they really shot themselves in the foot by “killing” Spider-Man and Black Panther), but if you watched this film and “Avengers: Endgame” isn’t one of your most hype films of 2019, you’re lying to yourself.
*Between this and “Thor: Ragnarok”, Thor has quickly gone from the worst Avenger to the best.
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45. Jailbreak
In my ongoing effort to diversify my movie taste, I decided to watch the exact same type of movie I usually watch, just from a different country, so I checked out “Jailbreak”, a Cambodian action flick that is basically a toned-down version of “The Raid”. A group of 4 cops is escorting a high-value mob member to prison, but when the criminal’s boss orders a hit on him so he won’t narc on her, the cops must defend their witness and survive when a whole prison-full of inmates is let loose on them. The plot is as barebones as you’d imagine based on that description, and while the cast have their charms, their characters range from one-note to nonexistent. What you’re really here for is the action and this movie sure as hell delivers on that department. The Bokator martial arts sequences are shot coherently and filled with long-takes (with hidden-well-enough cuts), often moving fluidly from one cop beating the shit out of a group of thugs to another doing the same a few meters away. The choreography and filmmaking on display here really serve to highlight how athletic and talented the cast and stunt crew are at kicking ass. The action sequences are so cool that they really help mask how low-budget the film is, since the prison apparently just consists of like three rooms and 4 or 5 identical-looking hallways with jailcells. The film is toned-down in the sense that the violence is much less graphically brutal, and there’s less death in the film, just lots of maiming. But this approach is well-suited to the relatively lighthearted story and the silliness of some of the characters, with names like Madame Butterfly, Playboy, and Scar. “Jailbreak” is a straightforward, easy-to-watch, and (most importantly) fun little action flick that really makes you want to check out what the cast and director Jimmy Henderson do next.
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44. Teen Titans Go! To the Movies
Look, I know. From the few episodes I’ve seen, I agree with you that the “Teen Titans Go!” TV show is trash, and I’m not even a huge fan of the original. But hear me out; “Teen Titans Go! To the Movies” is actually pretty fun. The plot concerns Robin’s jealousy over every superhero but him getting their own movie, so the Titans go to Hollywood to show everyone they’re not jokes and can star in their own movie, and discovering the power of friendship along the way. It’s basically a PG version of “Deadpool”, and is filled with pop culture jokes and references, especially about other superhero movies, just without feeling the need to be edgy. Sure, there are a few too many poop/fart jokes, but most of the humor is anarchic randomness that I personally found charming. While the animation usually looks like the show, I was surprised by how the movie had a number of sequences where the animation style is completely changed. There’s also a number of moments that made me genuinely laugh, so already I could call this one of the biggest surprises of the year. The funniest scene in the movie involves them traveling back in time to try and prevent everyone’s origin story so that they’ll be the only superheroes left.
I really don’t have much to say about this film because I’m not a man-child, but if you can put up with some of the kiddie humor, there’s a surprisingly funny, inventive and self-aware movie in here, which is more than you can say about most superhero films to come out in recent years (or even this year).
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43. You Were Never Really Here
Have you ever watched “Taken” but wished it was more like “Drive”? Probably not, but director Lynne Ramsay sure as hell did. It tells the story of a traumatized veteran who works as an under-the-table investigator who specializes in rescuing missing girls, and whose latest job involves him in a sinister conspiracy while his own mental state is deteriorating. The plot is super bare-bones, but it works because the focus is clearly on Joaquin Phoenix’s character, as flashbacks and fantasy blend with the reality of what he’s going through, creating a fragmented but compelling portrait of a broken man trying to help others but is only good at hurting people. The movie feels like it was edited down to 90 minutes from a longer film, as lots of plot points are glossed over (the villains get literally no development), but again, the focus on character and the whole questioning of the main character’s sanity makes it work. This film is tight, well-shot, and has a strong central performance from Phoenix, and even if it feels hacked to pieces, I won’t complain about a movie going out of its way to make itself shorter for me.
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42. The Other Side of the Wind
As much as I like to shit on Netflix for their lack of quality control, the sheer volume of stuff they make or pick up means that even occasionally something tasty will slip through the crack
that was poor wording, don’t read into it. Anyway, what other company would actually buy and distribute “The Other Side of the Wind”, an experimental (and thus difficult to categorize and market) film that Orson Welles shot in the first half of the 70’s, and whose post-production turned into a legendary development hell due to various legal, financial, and creative complications, not to mention Welles’ own death in 1985. The film was completed in the past few years using Welles’ footage, some edited by himself, and his countless notes of what the film should be like, and it’s the strangest and most fascinating film of the year.
The basic story is that of the last day in the life of famous film director Jake Hannaford (played by famous film director John Huston) as he hosts a screening party for his friends and Hollywood insiders in order to raise funds for his work-in-progress film “The Other Side of the Wind”. Hannaford’s side of the story is a composite of mockumentary-style footage shot by various film students who are invited to cover and film his day, and the film doesn’t have a typical structure or narrative. Conversations between characters are often made with little to no establishment of who they are and what their relationships are, there are few establishing shots, and there’s no real plot beyond the various things that happen in the party. The film can be difficult to follow, since it’s essentially up to the audience to piece everything and everyone together, and the film is more about the themes and being a satire of Hollywood than having a traditional narrative.
The rest of the film is footage of the film-within-a-film, a hilariously pretentious and self-indulgent satire of European arthouse cinema that’s intended to revive Hannaford’s waning career. The (actual) film’s parallels with Welles’ own films and life are clever if you’re a fan and are familiar with him, which is especially sad considering that this film was supposed to be the one that would revive Welles’ career, as his last decade was marked by the difficulty of finding finance for his projects, and hilarious commercial blooper reels.
Going back to “The Other Side of the Wind”, if you want to check this out, you should be prepared for the fact that you might not understand a lot of it, but longtime fans of Orson Welles and of auteur-driven 20th century cinema will find a lot to chew on here, and the film definitely benefits from repeat viewings. The editing in this film is wild, frequently jumping from various handheld angles with different lenses, between color and black-and-white, but the fact that this all feels intentional is a testament to both Welles’ vision for the project and editor Bob Murawski’s talent for salvaging so much footage into something vaguely coherent. This is not a film meant to be watched casually, but film buffs will find an important piece of film history, while others will be amused by how much nudity and phallic imagery is in the film. If Orson Welles’ last contribution to the world is extended footage of Oja Kodar’s ass, then the man’s cinematic legacy will never be topped.
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41. Bumblebee
It’s funny how right around the time Michael Bay was leaving the “Transformers” franchise did I finally sort of start appreciating his “All insane energy, all the time” approach to these films. Well, before Bay’s departure, Hasbro and Paramount assembled a writer’s room in order to plan out and expand the Transformers franchise into something beyond Shia LeBeouf’s screaming and Marky Mark’s Bud Light-chugging goofiness. Enter Travis Knight, president of stop-motion film studio Laika and director of “Kubo and the Two Strings”, who signed on to direct the first of these spin-off’s, the origin story “Bumblebee”. Whether or not you think the Transformers series is deserving of a genuine, loving director like Knight is up to you, but you can’t deny that he made a real movie (arguably the first actual film in the series).
The plot is standard stuff; war on Cybertron, Bumblebee escapes to 1980’s Earth, gets damaged, loses his memory, and gets found by a teenage girl in a scrapyard. If you’ve ever seen “E.T.” or any of its young-person-meets-fantastic-creature derivatives, you know what to expect. But Knight’s deft touch actually makes this film a lot more touching than you’d expect. The girl is still grieving over her dead father who yearns for a new life outside her crummy hometown, and in Bumblebee finds a kinship and a way to grow and move on. It’s this relationship that serves as the emotional core of the film, and it’s done so surprisingly well that the film works even with the sillier “Transformers” stuff bolted on. After the action-packed opening on Cybertron, we mostly follow the girl’s down-to-earth point of view as she lives her life and finds Bumblebee, so when the film suddenly cut to two cartoonishly evil Decepticons executing some Autobots on the Moon, it was the funniest tonal shift I’d seen all year.
And speaking of cartoonish and hilarious, I really hope after this that John Cena gets put in as many movies as The Rock. Playing an all-business government agent with a neck that is wider than my leg, who swaggers into every scene with a grimace and physique that even Rob Liefeld would find a bit over-the top, Cena is by far my favorite part of the movie. He looks more out-of-place amongst other human beings than the giant CGI robots do. He looks like they filmed him exclusively in widescreen.
Going back to the film, it’s not a deep movie, and a lot of the side-characters are either annoying or undeveloped, but all in all “Bumblebee” is a pleasant surprise. The CGI is seamless, the character designs are nicely streamlined and look more like their cartoon show counterparts, the action scenes are fun (and comprehensible), the 80’s nostalgia is strong but not overbearing, and that emotional core I previously mentioned holds everything together well. It doesn’t have the sheer audience-hating bravado that Bay has, but since most people would find that a positive, this film is easy to recommend to anyone.
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40. The Guilty
Asger is a Danish policeman working the emergency line while awaiting trial for shooting a suspect, who gets a call from a woman who had been kidnapped, and he must use his phone and his resources to figure out where she is and what’s happening before she is lost. The film takes place in just a couple of rooms in a police station, and happens pretty much in real-time. This film is a top-notch thriller with a great, well-executed premise. The camerawork, editing, and acting (even phone acting) are all so strong that the limited environment never feels repetitive, and you’re fully drawn into the tense, twisty story. Oh, did I say “twist”? Funny I should mention that, because it’s pretty much the only thing preventing this film from being higher on my list. It’s not really the movie’s fault, but I predicted the shocking twist several minutes before it happened, so the impact that was meant to take the 3rd act into the next level was sort of lost on me. I was still engaged right up to the end, but I can’t help but feel like I messed up by figuring the movie out too soon. But, as the late Stephen Hawking taught me, it’s perfectly OK to have genius-level IQ, and even if you’re just too smart (like me), you can still enjoy a really solid, high-concept thriller with a terrific central performance.
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39. Kursk
As a fan of disaster movies, submarine movies, and depressing Soviet-looking imagery, Thomas Vinterberg’s “Kursk” was basically catnip for me, and as a really solid thriller with sincere political/social commentary, it doesn’t disappoint. The film is about the real-life 2000 disaster where an explosion sunk the eponymous Russian Navy submarine, and where rescue efforts for the surviving sailors stuck on the seabed were hampered by the incompetence and arrogance of the bureaucratic Russian leadership. The film splits itself between the perspective of the trapped sailors, dealing with dwindling oxygen, supplies, and hope, and the efforts of the sailors’ families to urge naval brass to accept international help when their own rescue efforts fail. It’s a really harrowing and sometimes hard-to-watch film, with one scene in particular sticking out; the sailors have to get canisters for their oxygen generator, so the main character and a comrade have to swim through the cold, submerged section of the ship to look for it, and it’s all done as one agonizingly long continuous shot that nearly gave me an anxiety attack. The film is basically the 3rd-act of “Das Boot” stretched out to a whole film, with the other stuff tacked on to make a point about bureaucracy and corruption. The melodrama involving the families is alright and well-acted, but it really doesn’t compare to the stuff in the sub. It’s a purposely frustrating film, and I question whether the unsatisfying nature of the story lends itself to a feature-length film, but I was still absorbed throughout. Maybe I’m genetically predisposed to loving submarine films, or maybe they just all happen to be good. If you can think of a bad submarine film, let me know and I’ll check it out.
As a nitpick, it annoyed me that the characters all spoke accented English instead of Russian, which I suppose is understandable considering the whole cast isn’t Russian. But I guess that a Russian cast speaking such an ugly language in such an already-depressing scenario would just tip some emotionally fragile people over the edge.
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38. The Night Comes for Us
Did you ever watch “The Raid” and its sequel but think they just weren’t violent enough? Well, you’re in luck (you psychopath), because straight from Indonesia comes another martial-arts-heavy crime film starring Iko Uwais, just with more stabbing and mutilation instead of smashing and breaking. After saving a little girl during a massacre of a village he was ordered to carry out (and killing his own men in the process), an elite Triad assassin (played by Joe Taslim) becomes hunted by the criminal elements of Jakarta, including a rising thug and former partner of his (played by Uwais). There’s a surprising amount of downtime in between the action beats where the characters have time to shout melodramatic dialogue at each other, and while it’s good enough for one to be invested in the stakes, it’s hardly brilliant or groundbreaking. No, what we’re here for is the action, which is highly entertaining; lots of impressively choreographed ass-kicking, filled with plenty of punches, kicks, stabbings, bone-crunches, stabbings, the occasional shootout, finger-rip-offings and so much bloody stabbing. It was excessive to the point where even I felt it was a bit much, but certainly not a dealbreaker. The final fight in particular makes you wonder if people in Indonesia have self-healing Wolverine powers, because the two participants just ruin each other with stabbing and the fight still ends with one character just leaving instead of finishing off his opponent. The film is worth watching just for the sheer creativity in the variety of ways that people harm each other, drenched in sharp lighting and the heroic bloodshed of classic Asian action cinema. It’s absolute insanity, with only pacing issues holding it back from classic-status, but it’s absolutely worth it just for the gag where one goon unwillingly unloads an assault rifle clip into his friend’s face at point-blank range when he is tased into doing so.
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37. Isle of Dogs
Generally, I hate seeing films about danger and possible death that involves dogs. That shit tugs at my heartstrings, sure, but I’ve always found it to be a cheap and manipulative way to generate emotion and sympathy from the audience. Leave it to Wes Anderson to solve that conundrum but making the dogs actual characters with voices and motivations, so that we can relate to them as characters and not just pets.
“Isle of Dogs” is Wes Anderson’s second stop-motion animated movie after the aptly named “Fantastic Mr. Fox”, and is about a near future where after an outbreak of a canine flu, the mayor of a Japanese city banishes all dogs to a garbage dump island, where a young Japanese boy ventures to in order to find his beloved bodyguard dog. The film is surprisingly dark and bleak, where despite all his deadpan humor and whimsical visuals Anderson is not afraid to show the pain and danger that his characters endure. Not that it’s dreary, mind you; the film looks absolutely gorgeous, with Anderson’s perfect framing and meticulous attention to detail shining through in every frame, and the voice actors all pull off a great balance between quirk and pathos. The film isn’t nearly as brilliant as “Fantastic Mr. Fox”, but it’s an ambitious film that takes a nice amount of narrative risks.
One of these is to have all the human Japanese characters speak in unsubtitled Japanese while having all the dogs speak in English. There’s a lot of human dialogue in the film, and while a fair amount of it can be inferred through the strength of the visual storytelling, the film lacks confidence in this choice and frequently manufactures reasons to have in-world English text, having someone appear to translate, or most egregiously, making one of the main characters a white American foreign exchange student. I don’t see why we couldn’t just have regular subtitles or even Japanese-accented English, and while I’m not one of those bandwagon-jumping douchebags who lives to complain about the latest hot-button topic (I’m my kind of own douchebag who complains about everything), I can’t help but agree with people who feel that the story is a bit needlessly whitewashed because of that character.
Still, while not on par with Anderson’s best films, “Isle of Dogs” is an easy recommendation, with a likeable characters, a touching story, Anderson’s trademark humor and terrific visuals, and a top-notch voice cast of Anderson regulars. It’s a loving tribute to Japanese cinema and culture, and especially to man’s best friend. Keep saying the film’s title until you understand the pun.
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36. The Old Man and the Gun
Robert Redford stars in “The Old Man & The Gun”, a film based on Forrest Tucker, a lifelong criminal who became famous for over a dozen successful prison attempts, who in his 70’s pulled off an unprecedented string of bank robberies without ever firing his gun. If you’re old and want to see Bobby Redford be charming and suave as hell through a light-hearted crime drama, his magic will remind you why he’s been such an enduring, magnetic star all these years. And if you’re unfamiliar with Redford and his work because you’re too busy using your dad’s credit card to pay your favorite Fortnite streamer enough Bits to say your name in a desperate attempt to fill some void in your soul that eating Tide Pods on Snapchat just doesn’t do anymore (and also your balls haven’t dropped yet), this is the cinematic equivalent of a warm blanket on a rainy Sunday afternoon at your grandparents’ house. A very lovely, if deliberately slight, film with an excellent supporting cast that genuinely feels like it could have been made in the 70’s. Director David Lowery’s talent in evocating a setting and atmosphere is undeniable.
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35. A Star is Born
He’s a part-time washed-up country star and full-time drunk. She’s a waitress with all the talent in the world but stuck in a rut. They meet and fall in love, and as her career blows up, his declines even more. You can complain about the fact that this is the 4th time this movie has been made, but honestly, shut up; you haven’t seen the others and you never will. Having said that, the film still seems to include one out-of-place element from the 1970’s version with Barbara Streisand and Kris Kristofferson; much is made about how the girl is considered unattractive and her nose is too big and her not having the right look is why she’s been held down. Now, with Streisand you could sort of understand because she looks like a Nazi caricature of a Jew, but you could beat Lady Gaga in the face with a shovel for a few hours and she’d still be an 8/10 on her worst day, if you’re super judgmental. So any time she or anyone else talk about how she doesn’t look good enough to succeed it’s kind of laughable, especially y’know, considering Lady Gaga’s actual success.
Anyway, everyone’s been talking about this film like it’s all about Lady Gaga and it’s her star-making performance (like she isn’t already one of the biggest stars in the music business), but this response and marketing has been deceptive in that it’s actually more about Bradley Cooper’s character. In fact, despite Lady Gaga’s genuinely strong and believable performance, she’s sort of relegated to the sidelines in the second half as the film shifts focus from her rise to his succumbing to alcoholism and drug abuse and how it affects their relationship. In fact, the lack of depth afforded to her character is my biggest gripe with the film. We know she’s a talented singer and that she loves Bradley Cooper, but the fact that we never really see her rise to fame from her perspective means a fair amount of feeling is lost. My second biggest gripe is the ending (no spoilers). I know a lot of people found it emotionally devastating, and even I admit to watching it with a lump in my throat, but it feels like a cop-out, the easier ending that will elicit tears from the audience but doesn’t really leave them with something to ponder. It’s a melodrama instead of a film with something new to say about addiction and self-destructive behavior (which is ironic considering how many times the characters bang on about “having something new and real to say”).
Still, don’t let all my complaints fool you, because this is still a surprisingly really good film. I was seriously impressed and frightened by Bradley Cooper’s performance, something that my alcoholic friend agrees is one of the most realistic and un-romantic depictions of pants-pissing, black-out habitual drunkenness ever committed to film. You ever watch pro wrestling and one of them looks like they got hurt and they sell it so convincingly that you genuinely worry for them? That’s what Bradley Cooper has done in this film. He looks like he just gave his directing notes to an assistant and then drank an entire bottle of motor oil to prepare for the scene (edit: turns out Cooper is a recovered addict, so this is a hell of a case of art imitating life.) As a first-time director, he doesn’t try anything fancy or showy; his work behind the camera is clean and focused on the story, which I admire. Gaga and Cooper both offer terrific individual performances and have excellent chemistry together both on and off-stage in the film. I thought it was cute when I heard that while he was teaching her how to act, she insisted on simultaneously teaching him how to sing and perform on stage. Sam Elliott is always a joy, his baritone voice feeling like someone gently massaging warm maple syrup into my ear hole, and Dave Chappelle and Andrew Dice Clay making convincing cases in their short screentime that they should do more movies.
Overall, the film is a flawed but compelling melodrama. You could argue that it’s a bit too long, but I like how the film gives the characters enough time and breathing room to develop organically, and there’s no contrived subplots; just a sweet and sad story of a man and woman who love each other but their relationship is strained by career stuff and his self-destructive nature.
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34. The Meg
Seeing “The Meg” in IMAX was one of the most pleasurable theater-going experiences I’ve had all year. A product-placement filled, Chinese pandering piece of shark attack schlock, all watched by an audience that knew exactly what kind of movie they’re going to see.
The plot concerns an oceanographic research facility (crewed by sexy and diverse people) that discovers a deeper section in the Mariana Trench that hosts ancient marine life thought to be extinct, unwittingly providing an escape route for a megalodon to get to the surface and start wrecking shit up. They then set out to destroy the shark before it reaches civilian areas, unaware of an even greater danger (spoiler: it’s a second megalodon). The film is delightfully silly and self-aware, but without being smug about it. More tongue-in-cheek than wink-wink, like director Jon Turtletaub’s “National Treasure” films, which is 100% the right tonal approach.
Jason Statham is hilarious as the macho hero with a troubled past, easily carrying a low-effort, thinly-written role through sheer charisma and Cockney charm. He also gets possibly the most gratuitous beefcake moment I’ve ever seen in a film. The rest of the cast is an assembly of stereotypes, Chinese nationals, and character actors enjoying an easy paycheck. Their relationships and developments are as predictable and basic as can be in a movie, but considering the material, it adds to the campy charm.
I agree with those who say that the first two-thirds of the film could have been stupider, wilder, and more R-rated (although the way the largest shark in history keeps sneaking up on people never failed to make me laugh), but it works as decently entertaining buildup for the wonderful finale. The way the shark is defeated by Statham at the end is one of the most hilariously, stupidly awesome things I’ve seen in a film all year, and how could anyone possibly hate a shark film that actually, literally ends on a title card saying “Fin”?
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33. Den of Thieves
Is there any actor out there who can single-handedly rescue a movie better than Gerard Butler? Don’t get me wrong; even without him, “Den of Thieves” would be a perfectly acceptable B-movie version of Michael Mann’s “Heat”, but it’s really Butler that makes this film as entertaining as it is. There’s a Butler-level system my friends and I came up with, where we rank how Gerard Butler-y one of his performances is, with “London Has Fallen” being a 10/10 insane, frothing-at-the-mouth, more-whiskey-than-blood-in-his-body Butler and something like “P.S. I Love You” being 1/10 subdued, boring Butler. I’m happy to say that in “Den of Thieves”, he’s a solid 9/10 on the scale, and he’s at his terrifying and hilariously hyper-masculine best. There’s a scene where he visits his ex-wife during a double-date to drop off some divorce papers, where he sizes up and intimidates her new boyfriend, and it’s such an uncomfortably tense scene it’s almost impossible not to laugh. There’s another where his group of cops take O’Shea Jackson Jr.’s character to a safe house where they drunkenly harass him, while Butler emasculates him, smacking his face and flicking his balls while interrogating him about the heist crew he’s running with. Even the way he eyes a stripper at a titty bar is more angry than lustful. I cannot understate how great he’s in this movie, and how much he makes it worth watching.
Anyway, the actual film is pretty good. It has surprisingly confident and solid direction from first-time director Christian Gudegast. The last 45-minutes or so of the film is basically one really long action sequence, and it was tense and exciting stuff. All the stuff before is mainly buildup and character stuff with little action, and I understand some people getting impatient with it because most of the characters were thin and underdeveloped, except for Butler, who doesn’t need your pussy “nuance” or “writing” to be an entertaining character. But despite the long running-time, I was honestly never bored. And the whole film is worth watching just to see Butler acting drunk, looking like he smells like cigarettes and cheap whiskey, smacking people with his gigantic baseball-mitt-sized hands, and yelling in a fury to psych himself up before the final shootout in a manner that can best be described as “cocaine/testosterone fueled”.
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32. A Quiet Place
"A Quiet Place" is some of the most fun I've had in a theater in a while. I practically jumped every time someone in the audience coughed or farted or talked or answered their phone or started watching Snapchat videos or goddddddamn it, I hate people so much.
But seriously, this is a film that for better or worse deserves to be seen in a large crowd. Uniquely for a horror film, it revolves around a family being quiet so that the sound-sensitive monsters don’t get ‘em, and the whole film, from sound design to performances is built on silence as a core concept. John Krasinski introduces himself as a talent to watch in genre films, as he nimbly builds tension through the movie while never shying away from the emotional core of familial bonding, all while getting great performances out of his cast (and himself).
I liked a lot of the world-building stuff early on, that shows how the family has adapted to living quietly, from placing sand in their walking paths, to walking barefoot, to painting areas in a wooden floor that creaks when stepped on. It’s this effort in detail that actually becomes somewhat of a hindrance later on, as characters make baffilingly stupid choices, along with the lack of proper following of rules in terms of how well the monsters can hear. I mentioned the commitment to quietness earlier, which is why it’s surprising that the film has a soundtrack, and one so prevalent. It’s certainly not a bad soundtrack, but I can’t help but feel like most of the film would have benefitted from just silence and sound design.
Quibbles aside, I really enjoyed “A Quiet Place”, as it’s a fun, short little thriller that at 90 minutes long, never outstays its welcome. It’s well-crafted, splendidly acted, and Krasinski is so good (for the most part) at visual storytelling and ratcheting up the stakes through the film that I didn’t even mind when the last 10 minutes or so devolved into silly schlock.
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31. Game Night
I’ve expressed for the longest time how building a comedy film around improv tends to ruin it, so allow me to explain why. I’ve always found that the best comedies are very tightly structured, with very specific jokes and gags, that are placed at proper moments in order to get the biggest laugh. Extended improv takes away that structure and timing by centering it entirely around the comedic talents of the actors and hopes that they can supply enough funny all on their own. There have been actors who could do this (Eddie Murphy springs to mind), but most cannot, however revered they may be in their city’s sketch comedy circle. When they’re left dangling in the water without that structure and script, they tend to sink, along with the film itself, because there’s nothing worse than a joke that doesn’t land while everyone stands there pretending like it was funny.
It’s super refreshing that the filmmakers behind “Game Night” seem to agree with me (and not just because I’m 100% right). This film is tight as a corset, fast-paced, and plot-focused, which is why even when a joke doesn’t land, the film immediately gets up and keeps speeding along. But many of the jokes do land, and this a frequently funny film. The story is about a weekly game night hosted by a highly-competitive couple that takes a turn for the dangerous when a kidnap-mystery game involving the husband’s brother turns real. The cast is excellent, with a career-best performance by Rachel McAdams who is hysterical during the first half of the film when she doesn’t realize the danger they’re in and still acts competitive and arrogant, and she maintains that comic momentum even when she figures out the situation. Jesse Plemons is also great as their creepy neighbor cop. The plot is fun and is actually engaging in that the mystery is always one step ahead of the characters and audience, creating a level of engagement as we try to figure it out as well. I’d say that there’s precisely one plot twist too many (you’ll probably know it when it happens), and it temporarily slows the film down, but it picks back up for the silly, over-the-top climax.
I also want to mention something you almost never see in American mainstream comedy films; directing. This is a genuinely visually inventive and well-crafted film, with clever camerawork that reflects both the subject matter and the characters. It’s so refreshing to actually see a comedy film rather than just listen to one. I wouldn’t say this is the funniest film in recent memory (I’d give it about a 7/10 in the laughs department), but it so exceeds one’s expectations that I couldn’t help but enjoy the hell out of it. That scene where Rachel McAdams tries to dig a bullet out of Jason Bateman’s arm killed me.
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30. Eighth Grade
Bo Burnham’s filmmaking debut is one of the best and most honest coming-of-age stories I’ve ever seen. The story is about Kayla, an eighth grader going through her last week of middle school, as she struggles with her insecurities and socialization while her single dad struggles to connect with his social media-fixated daughter. Burnham is young and sharp enough that he can make a movie about modern-day teens feel both authentic and insightful. The acting by lead Elsie Fisher is outstanding, as she fully encapsulates Kayla’s endearing awkwardness in a very believable way. As a first-time director, Burnham really impresses with his grasp of filmmaking; one scene that stands out in particular, where Kayla is seen entering a pool party where she doesn’t know anyone, and the camerawork and editing on display are as claustrophobic and tense as in any horror film. The film is smart, entertaining, and even heartwarming. I really don’t have any negatives to say about the film. If you’re wondering why it isn’t higher on my list, it’s because of this; I love cringe comedy, but this movie was too much even for me, as the cringe often slipped from funny to painfully true and even downright horrifying at times. I simply cannot watch this film twice; it’s just too real and too relatable. But this realness is definitely worth experiencing at least once.
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29. Shadow
From Zhang Yimou, the ace filmmaker behind Chinese warrior classics “Hero” and “House of Flying Daggers” and “The Great Wall”, comes “Shadow”, the most Chinese movie I’ve ever seen. The film is about two kingdoms who for a long time have fought over control of a major city, and who are currently in a truce, which is threatened by scheming from behind the throne of the kingdom that lost control of the city years ago. There’s lots of nice political intrigue involving the king, his trusted general, his wife, and his sister, and their relationships develop in entertaining and engaging ways. This part of the film is even surprisingly funny thanks to some well written dialogue and back-and-forth arguments, as well as the melodramatic way characters in these period pieces tend to stare into the middle distance with a tear streaming down their face. The first 2 acts of this film are very slow paced, relying wholly on character drama, intrigue, cuckoldry, etc. but in the last 45 minutes, everyone goes to war and everyone gets wrecked with heavy sabres and blade-umbrellas, with Yimou’s wonderful inventiveness with action scenes on full display (everyone should watch this film for the Beyblade soldiers part; you’ll see what I mean).
My problem with the movie is that the last 15 minutes or so just has a few too many betrayals and twists, to the point where they kind of lose their impact, and I felt a disconnect because the main character has (purposely) been kind of a blank slate and I never quite figured out what his motivations were for his actions at the end. But these are relatively minor complaints, as the terrific production design, strong cast, and totally rad action, all shot in a breathtakingly gorgeous monochromatic color scheme, make this an easy recommendation.
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28. They Shall Not Grow Old
Filling out my documentary quota for the year (which is 1) is Peter Jackson’s “They Shall Not Grow Old”, a unique and fascinating look at those who served on the Western Front in WWI. The film takes 100-year-old archival footage from the war, restores it, colorizes it, giving it sound, and transforms it into 3D (if you see it in a 3D theater), while structuring the footage around sound-clips of interviews with actual veterans of The Great War telling their stories, from the enlisting at the outset of war to the horror of living and fighting in the trenches to finally going home after 4+ years of some of the most brutal fighting in human history. Some may question the effect of colorizing the footage but I can’t deny that the footage is, in addition to just being astonishing to look at, gives the experiences of the men who served on the front a bracing immediacy, and really helps you connect to the horrible things they went through. I’ve been watching the YouTube documentary series “The Great War” for the past few years, so with the series concluding back in November (100 years after the actual war ended), I was in prime condition to watch and enjoy this film. I found it to be an insanely impressive and deeply moving experience, that’s so different from typical documentaries not just in its format (no talking heads or reenactments) but also in its approach; the film avoids the political issues at play and the specific movements/developments and is more focused on giving the audience an idea of what it was like to be in these soldiers’ shoes. It’s still a documentary, so it made me a bit sleepy at times early on, but still wholly recommended to people who are into war and documentaries, and if you can, also check out the super neat 30-minute companion documentary that shows Jackson and his team’s technical process in making this film.
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27. BlacKkKlansman
My history with Spike Lee’s films is more often than not, one of disappointment. While his films are usually visually strong, filled with good actors, and have fascinating subject matter, his approach to storytelling (beating the audience over the head with a frying pan while screaming “DO YOU GET IT?”) has often let me down. Even his really good films, like “Do the Right Thing” and “25th Hour”, leave me feeling disappointed by the end because the test tube just broke under Lee’s preachiness and lack of nuance. His best movie, in my opinion, is “Inside Man” because it’s a tight and focused heist film, that still has some of Spike’s unsubtle social commentary bloating it up but never to the point of bursting.
I say all that because for the longest time watching it, I thought Spike had finally broken his streak of letting me down with “BlacKkKlansman”, a based-on-a-true-story account of black Colorado Springs officer Ron Stallworth’s infiltration of the local Ku Klux Klan chapter during the early 70’s. Sure, it’s hardly subtle in its depiction of racism (both institutional and rebellious) and the strong parallels between modern-day racism and that of the 20th century, but it feels well-integrated into a genuinely compelling story about identity and duality which come with the undercover work but also with how people present themselves to the world.
The acting is terrific, with lead John David Washington showing plenty of the charisma that made his daddy Denzel such a star, Adam Driver giving a very nuanced and quietly funny performance as Stallworth’s partner who’s the one actually going undercover, and a surprisingly great turn by Topher Grace as KKK grand wizard David Duke that really shows how smarmy pretend-politeness can go hand-in-hand with evil. The film isn’t as funny as its excellent trailer makes it out to be (pretty much all the funny parts are in the trailer itself), but it really works as a character drama, social commentary and buddy cop film. I especially want to mention the scenes with the Black Student Union and how powerful and well-edited they are, and how they’re an excellent example of combining plot and themes. We see the faces of hope in the audience listening to Stokely Carmichael speak, while at the same time Ron is following his orders in “observing the audience”. The film works terrifically until the end. After a nice hallway shot that pays homage to blaxploitation films of the era, the film has a great opportunity to nicely wrap up right there with a lovely bow on top.
BUT THEN, the film literally ends on a 3-minute montage of news footage from the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville (along with Trump’s subsequent speeches), culminating with actually showing that girl getting killed when one of the white supremacists plowed a car through a crowd of counter-protesters, while ending with “Rest in Power, Heather Hayer” and an upside down American flag slowly turning black and white.
WHAT. FUCKING. TRASH. Thanks, Spike Lee, I totally didn’t see any fucking parallels between your story’s already unsubtle themes and their relevance today. I really needed a fucking montage that shows a young woman getting murdered to really hammer it home. And after you have the fucking gall to exploit her death ON SCREEN, you end it as a “tribute” to her. It’s shockingly tasteless, condescending, and just plain awful. It’s even worse than a similar montage in “Vice” because this is actually stapled onto an otherwise really good movie. It feels the need to make a point that the film had already fucking made loud and clear, but doing it after the movie practically finishes. I cannot imagine any other filmmaker literally cease being a storyteller during their film so they can start sermonizing. Spike Lee’s head is stuck so far up his ass he could look up his own throat. I’ve heard the argument that this is meant to be eye-opening for some audiences who wouldn’t otherwise “get it”. Fine, I admit, I’m not a fucking moron, so this clearly wasn’t for me. This scene made me straight up mad, and damn sure not in the way that Lee intended.
If you can leave as soon as the cross-burning happens near the end, you’ll have enjoyed an entertaining, timely, and sometimes powerful look at race and identity, but after containing the bullshit for almost the entire film, the test tube finally broke in the end.
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26. Incredibles 2
Did you see and love “The Incredibles”? If yes, then congratulations, you’ve seen (and really like) the long-awaited follow-up. The plot is super derivative of the original; one of the two parents gets back into superhero work while the other stays at home to take care of the kids, there’s a conspiracy involving a villain that wants to destroy all superheroes and it turns out to be one of the Parrs’ benefactors, Violet has teenage problems, Dash doesn’t really have much to do outside of the action scenes, and Jack-Jack has whacky powers. All they really did was give Helen/Elastigirl the superhero duties while making Bob/Mr. Incredible the stay-at-home dad. It feels like a hastily-written sequel, which is weird considering it’s had 14 years to think of something new to do (though the rushed production owing to the film getting released a year earlier so that “Toy Story 4” could have the later release might have something to do with it). And I’m not a fan of how the sequel picks up immediately where the first ended, so the characters haven’t grown or changed in the last decade in a half, so it only makes sense that they’d still be doing the same stuff.
Still, despite the story weaknesses, “Incredibles 2” is super fun in the moment, thanks to Brad Bird’s incredible filmmaking flair and the talented cast and hardworking animators. Elastigirl’s plot and action sequences are enjoyable, but I enjoyed the stay-at-home dad stuff more, as Bob struggles to be the parent to his kids, simply because it feels more human and funny. It’s a very good film that just has the unfortunate problem of having to follow up “The Incredibles”, to this date one of Pixar’s very best, but I recommend “Incredibles 2” solely for the fact that it has almost the exact same climax as “Speed 2: Cruise Control”.
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25. If Beale Street Could Talk
As someone who liked but didn’t love Barry Jenkins’ prior film “Moonlight”, let me be the first to say that I think this is much better than his Best Picture winner. “Moonlight” just couldn’t crack me emotionally, but “If Beale Street Could Talk” managed to move me because it has such a tenderness and care for its characters, even minor and supporting roles, and a much more nuanced and affecting message about the injustices that black Americans face than say, “BlacKkKlansman”. The film is based on James Baldwin’s book, which tells the story of Tish, a young black woman, who must deal with a pregnancy while she and her family rally to try and get her wrongfully-imprisoned fiancĂ© Fonny out of jail. The story is told non-chronologically, simultaneously showing her deal with being pregnant and trying to free him, while flashing back to their courtship and what led to his imprisonment. The love story can be a bit sappy, but it’s achingly romantic because the characters are just so likable and optimistic about getting their own place and starting a family. As predictable as it may be, it hits you when you see this optimism crash against the hard facts of life and prejudice. The cast is uniformly excellent, with particularly noteworthy performances by Regina King, Teyonah Parris, and Colman Domingo as Tish’s family. I almost yelled unironically yelled “Yaaaaaasssss!” when Fonny’s religious mother cursed Tish’s unborn child for being conceived out of wedlock, then Tish’s mom and sister just verbally destroy the bitch. Owing in part to the non-linear storytelling, the film doesn’t go for a traditional plot progression so much as it does a portrayal of both a relationship and the hardships that affect black people, so don’t go in hoping for a satisfying three-act story. And the film is so sad that it’s hard to work up the desire to re-watch it. But it’s this honesty, along the top-notch writing, the sensitive and tight direction, and the terrific cast, that makes this bittersweet pill easy to swallow.
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24. Journey’s End
Like I said in my “They Shall Not Grow Old” review, I’ve been really into WWI stuff lately, so this drama about British soldiers nervously awaiting the German Spring Offensive of 2018 was right up my depressing alley. We follow a small number of characters in the company, including Paul Bettany as a kind lieutenant and family man who might as well have a target painted on his head, a green-as-grass young officer played by Asa “I will forever look like an adolescent” Butterfield, eager to reunite with his old schoolmate, and Sam Clafin as the schoolmate, the company’s bitter, alcoholic veteran captain who looks like he’s constantly on the edge of a breakdown. The film is fantastically acted, impressively detailed, and filled with a profound sense of that particular melancholy that affects characters awaiting their inevitable death. It’s not the most original film, and as with most war films, don’t see this if you want to be cheered up, but as a moving character study of soldiers fighting a hopeless, pointless war, “Journey’s End” more than does its job.
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23. Support the Girls
Reginal Hall stars in her best work since “Scary Movie 2”, as Lisa, a caring manager of a Hooters-style highway sports bar, whose optimism is tested on a tumultuous day at work, having to put up with an attempted robbery, belligerent customers, her own family issues, her dickhead boss, and the cable being down on the night of a big game, all while trying to care for her employees and their own issues. The film is very funny (mainly owing to Haley Lu Richardson’s hilarious performance as a bubbly and exuberant waitress) and heartfelt in its treatment of the characters, as well as doubling as a thought-provoking tale of working-class struggles and the flawed reality of the American Dream.  Essential viewing for anyone who’s ever worked in a service job, “Support the Girls” is a thoroughly enjoyable and compassionate movie, and one that earns the double-entendre in its title.
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22. A Prayer Before Dawn
Billy Moore is a heroin-addicted English boxer fighting in Thailand when he gets busted for drugs and weapons possession, and he gets incarcerated in one of Thailand’s most brutal prisons among heavily-tatted criminals who don’t much care for the pale-as-the-driven-snow white boy that now serves with them. The first half of the film is Moore adjusting to prison life, witnessing awful treatment of other inmates, while doing favors for guards and thugs in order to keep up his smack habit. Later he works to kick his addiction while taking up Muay Thai prison boxing.
Let me say now that this is the most uncompromising and ruthless portrayal of prison I’ve ever seen in a movie. I’m not one to give out trigger warnings for films, but there’s a horrific rape scene of another new prisoner by the long-timers that’s all the more frightening because it doesn’t happen to Billy, he’s held in the corner at knifepoint and forced to watch. The way the prison serves as an allegory for hell, with Moore being stuck in the worst place imaginable in order to battle his demons, is earned for how unvarnished it is. I particularly like how the Thai dialogue isn’t subtitled, so we feel just as isolated and lost as the protagonist. And this makes the film’s glimmers of hope and redemption all the more effective, as Billy starts to work out, take up training with the prison’s boxing team, having sex with a Thai ladyboy (multiple times, I might add), and start to break his heroin addiction. It’s downright inspirational how the film finds humanity in such inhumane environments.
The film is very well directed and filmed, particularly during the handheld behind-the-back tracking shots that follows lead actor Joe Cole’s massive back, the boxing scenes are very well filmed and realistic, and Cole’s very physical and impressive performance all make this film worth watching.
If you skipped the bulk of the review just to get to my final opinion of it, here it is; “A Prayer Before Dawn” is a heartwarming, hilarious tale about a man finding Jesus through the power of prayer, and one that the whole family can enjoy.
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21. The Mule
Clint Eastwood, despite being in his late 80’s, shows no sign of slowing down as far as his work output goes, putting out 5 movies in the last 5 years, culminating in “The Mule” a based-on-a-true-story yarn about a 90-year-old veteran who, due to financial troubles, becomes a drug mule for a Mexican drug cartel, while being hunted by a determined DEA agent. The film is easily one of Eastwood’s best late-period films, a moving character drama about a lifelong workaholic who sees his newfound wealth as an opportunity to reconnect with his estranged family, while also doubling as an easygoing and sometimes tense crime thriller. The plot goes the way you’d expect it to, but Eastwood’s magnetic screen presence and the surprisingly emotional core of the film in the latter half helps keep things fresh. The film is notably more heartfelt and personal than Gran Torino, and it also serves as a smart examination of the American Dream and what it means to the people who work themselves tirelessly to pursue it. Also worth mentioning is how funny the movie is; it’s downright adorable how Eastwood’s character befriends the hardened cartel members who supply him with coke, and he’s probably the only white dude in Hollywood that can make casual racism seem charming.
The film is a bit rough around the edges in terms of some awkward editing and shots and line deliveries (owing to Eastwood’s notorious habit of shooting his scenes with as few takes as possible), and some of the cartel thriller stuff in the second half feels unnecessary and half-baked, but this is still a moving, thoughtful, and surprisingly entertaining film, one that could easily serve as a great swansong for Clint Eastwood the actor if he wanted it to. Plus, Clint has not one, but two different threesomes over the course of the film.
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20. Leave No Trace
It’s really difficult to talk about this film without spoiling it. I went in blind as to what the movie’s about, and I feel that is the best way to experience it. Don’t even look it up on Wikipedia because the plot description gives away an important part of it. I’ll just say that it’s about a father and daughter who live in the woods whose lives go through unexpected changes, and if you like slow but moving character dramas, “Leave No Trace” is well-worth checking out. The two leads, Ben Foster and Thomasin McKenzie, are both excellent and have a very natural and believable chemistry, and they’re great at communicating their characters without having the movie over-explain them. It’s a smart, low-key, and compassionate film that is well-worth seeing.
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19. Green Book
Possibly the biggest “Fuck you, I liked it” entry on this list, “Green Book” is also one of the most purely enjoyable films I’ve seen all year. Telling the story of how in 1962, Italian-American bouncer/stereotype Tony Vallelonga was hired to drive black piano prodigy Dr. Don Shirley on a tour across the Deep South, and the friendship the two developed despite their differences among the turbulent times. If you rolled your eyes at that description, you should know that this is exactly the kind of movie you think it is. This is easily the cheesiest, schmaltziest major film released in 2018, but I’ll be damned if the sweetness and heart and humor at its core didn’t melt my heart.
A lot of that is owed to the two lead performances; Mahershala Ali gives his best film work to date as Shirley (much better here than he was in Moonlight), an intelligent, reserved and lonely man who struggles with being too black for white people and too “white” for black people, and Viggo Mortensen also gives some of his best work as a walking, sentient New York pizza. Seriously, I cannot stress how funny Mortensen is in this movie, playing just the most absurd stereotype, composed mainly of eyys and ooohs and hand gestures and FUHGEDABOUTITs. At one point, he suddenly pulls a pizza out, folds it in half, and starts eating it like a fucking sandwich. But it’s a testament to Mortensen’s acting that he still somehow makes him feel like a human being and a well-developed character despite his goomba corniness (in a nice analogue to the film itself).
Its depiction of racism is a point worth discussing. The film doesn’t exactly sugarcoat the racism that Shirley and other black men experience (especially back in 1962), though the film is more focused on the buddy-comedy-drama aspect with the mismatched central pair. Much of the racism is done by easily-dismissible white Southerners, and even Tony’s own prejudice is kind of glossed over and not really dealt with as he and Shirley become friends (also that the film is told from Tony’s point of view instead of Shirley’s). I’ve heard the argument that this is an easily-digestible film about a difficult subject made by white people for other white people to feel good about. I’d like to paraphrase Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s thoughts on the film: it’s made for a white audience because they’re the ones who can most be changed by it. Sure, there will be white people who see this and dismiss it because “at least it’s not like that anymore”, but others will see this and understand how historical prejudice has shaped our current issues, while black people can see Shirley’s journey and be inspired by his achievements and his strength of character whether he’s the lead character or not. And if you’re just too #woke for this film and think this film’s impact is honestly more negative than positive, ask yourself this: are you the record holder for Most Career Points in NBA history and six-time NBA MVP?
Anyway, “Green Book” is an entertaining and incredibly charming film about two unlikely friends who bond over their differences that, while it probably takes a number of liberties with the facts of the story, carries the unmistakable ring of truth due to the passion of the filmmakers and the conviction of the performers. Certainly a much better remake of “Driving Miss Daisy” than anyone could expect.
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18. Paradox
A Hong Kong cop’s daughter goes missing in Thailand, prompting him to go on a Taken-esque quest to find her, receiving help from a local Chinese expat detective and uncovering seedy criminal elements and a political conspiracy. This is one of the best action thrillers to come out of Hong Kong in recent years, with a tight and engaging plot and a powerful and emotional performance from Louis Koo that never wavers whether he’s begging for help looking for his daughter or snapping people’s arms like wishbones. While the action scenes aren’t numerous, the ones that are there are lengthy, balls-to-the-wall displays of ass-kickery, terrifically shot/edited and choreographed by legend Sammo Hung. It’s really impressive how the film makes it look like non-martial artist Koo can actually fight. If I had to nitpick, I’d say the actor playing one of the lead goons is a bit too over-the-top, and feels like he should be in a sillier movie. But honestly, this comes easily recommended. No prior experience with HK films is necessary, as this is accessible, emotionally satisfying, and totally rad. It even has an extended fight/chase scene involving “guest star”/human wire-fu act Tony Jaa.
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17. Hearts Beat Loud
You think a movie about a widowed hipster father and his teenage daughter making music together before she goes off to college would be the most excessively twee indie bullshit released in 2018 (that isn’t a Netflix Original), but this is actually one of the sweetest, gentlest films I’ve seen all year and it really charmed the hell out of me. He’s the owner of a struggling record store who wants to make music with his daughter full-time due to the unexpected Spotify success of a track they put together in one night, and she’s a maturing young woman who loves her dad and is saddened by the fact that she has to leave her Brooklyn home yet is still determined to follow her dream of becoming a doctor, while also forming a relationship with a local female artist (worth noting that the film never dwells on the fact that it’s a lesbian relationship, it’s just perfectly normal and sweet). I’d describe the film as a light drama, since while there’s character conflict, it feels natural and not overblown. Nick Offerman and Kiersey Clemons are terrific and have very believable chemistry with each other, a nicely refreshing case of a positive familial relationship that isn’t hampered by contrived dramatic bullshit. Offerman in particular is terrific in using those expressive blue eyes to wordlessly communicate pain or happiness, or a combination of the two. And the music, while it can best be described as “indie”, is pretty good and emotionally resonant due to how it reflects the inner feelings of its characters.
Look, I’m as surprised as anyone over how much I liked this movie, but it’s honestly a wonderfully charming and touching film about a father/daughter relationship, with good music, strong performances, and positive vibes. Bonus points for having Ted Danson play a bartender. Extra bonus points for naming the female lead “Sam Fisher”.
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16. Deadpool 2
This is the easiest film to review of 2018, because I’ve already seen the first “Deadpool” and this is literally just an improved version of it. It’s still a basic smaller-scale superhero story, with a wisecracking 4th-wall-breaking protagonist who makes sex jokes and pop culture references. The jokes are funnier, Ryan Reynolds is still an engagingly smarmy protagonist, the antagonist (a hyper masculine Josh Brolin playing time-traveling supersoldier Cable) is more menacing and memorable, the action scenes are better and more numerous thanks to John Wick/Atomic Blonde helmer David Leitch taking the directing reigns, the supporting cast is stronger (particular shout-out to Zazie Beetz as Domino, whose superpower is luck and is one of the most fun ideas in any recent superhero flick), and the pacing is tighter. If all you want out of a sequel is the same thing but better, than “Deadpool 2” comes easily recommended. I just can’t help but feel a little disappointed that for a film series as self-aware as its character, the sequel doesn’t really do anything interesting with the premise of being a “Deadpool” sequel and having the story reflect it. The closest thing we get to narrative inventiveness is in the credits scenes, which are hilarious and arguably the highlight of the film. Don’t get me wrong, the film is still highly entertaining and I laughed quite often, but it feels weird to call this movie “safe”.
Still worth watching just for that X-Force sequence, and *that* A-list actor cameo.
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15. First Reformed
Ethan Hawke plays a priest and former military chaplain who serves at a small historical upstate New York church while tending to his dwindling Ethan Flock. One day, he gets a visit from a young pregnant woman asking him to meet with and provide guidance to her depressed, radical environmentalist husband, and the ensuing crisis of faith the priest experiences after their Ethan Talk. His research into environmental issues and activism puts him up against the head of a megachurch that owns his small church and a wealthy industrialist who has Ethan Stock in the church, who both think his concerns are a bunch of Ethan Crock. In addition to that, his physical state is deteriorating due to alcoholism and medical issues, which he tries to remedy by visiting his Ethan Doc and drinking cocktails made of whiskey and Pepto Bismol (on the Ethan Rocks), and he’s also plagued by the death of his son, who died fighting in Ethan Iraq. This film feels like a return to form for Ethan Hawke as a serious actor, after a few years of mostly making Ethan Schlock. I particularly love the scene where he brutally rejects some woman who wants his Ethan Cock, leaving her absolutely Ethan Rocked. The movie’s quality can mainly be Ethan Chalked up to his intense and soulful performance, as well as a strong supporting cast and Paul Schrader’s excellent writing. While the ending felt a bit silly and I’m still not sure how I feel about it months later, it’s hardly an Ethan Knock on the movie, for the film as a whole is hard to Ethan Mock.
I’m truly sorry for this review, just not enough to not post it. Feel free to have me Ethan Blocked.
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14. Ant-Man and The Wasp
Despite all its insubstantiality (or probably because of it) and the canning of original director Edgar Wright in favor of literal and figurative “Yes Man” director Peyton Reed, the first “Ant-Man” is still one of my favorite MCU films. The visuals and action were creative, the colors were vibrant, the tone is lighthearted, the stakes are low, and Paul Rudd was extremely charming, and the film was a perfect antidote to the bloated and boring “Avengers: Age of Ultron”. Releasing the sequel after the similarly bloated and depressing “Avengers: Infinity War” was a brilliant move on Marvel’s part, as this also feels like the small, funny, creative antidote to that film. The plot is fairly straightforward stuff; Scott Lang (on house-arrest after the events of “Civil War”) and the newly-superheroic Hope Van Dyne team up with her father Hank Pym to develop the technology to possibly rescue Hope’s mother after learning she might still be alive in THE QUANTUM REALM. They’re hindered at all stops by a mysterious figure that can phase through matter, as well as a shady arms dealer played by a paycheck-cashing Walton Goggins, and the whole film is basically about them fighting for and playing hot-potato with Hank’s shrunken-down laboratory.
I wouldn’t say the film is hard to follow at any point, but it does tend to get bogged down in overplotting every now and again, with multiple pacing-subplots that don’t affect the story much. My feelings on MCU humor is well-established at this point, so it’s worth noting that it has about a 1:1 hit-to-miss ratio when it comes to the jokes, which is much higher than anticipated. The only unexpected drawback to the humor is that they’ve kind of made Scott more of an idiot and goofball than the schlubby everyman who just wants to be a hero to his daughter. My last major complaint is that the film is less visually colorful than its predecessor, no doubt due to it following the rest of the MCU’s pallet, but also because most of it is shot in grey, daytime San Francisco.
Having said all that, this is superb fun, filled with charming actors, an appealing story, likable characters, and genuinely inventive action scenes that really get a lot of mileage out of the shrinking/growing technology. I love the scenes between Scott and his daughter, as well as the ones between Scott and his parole officer/FBI agent, played by the always hilarious Randall Park. I also like that the antagonists aren’t even really villains, just misunderstood. The only actual villain was Goggins’ character, and I thought it was funny that even the movie acknowledged him as disposable. In the end, I'm all for Black Panther's inclusivity and Infinity War's sadism, but as someone who likes actual movies instead of Disney products masquerading as movies, "Ant-Man and The Wasp" is easily my favorite Marvel joint since “Winter Soldier”.
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13. Cold War
“Cold War” is the least romantic love story I’ve ever seen. Zula, a young singer, meets somewhat older musician Wiktor, both working for a traveling music company in post-war Poland. These two broken souls fall madly in love, for even if they often can’t stand to be with each other, they can’t bear being apart too. Circumstances force them apart, and we follow the moments where their lives intersect over the following years. The film is a very tight and engrossing story, focusing entirely on the performances and the atmosphere while leaving pretty much no room for exposition. When they reunite, we are left to piece together details of their intervening time through inference and their behavior. Telling a story by omission is ambitious, and while I totally understand people wanting more out of this movie, I found it riveting. I’d even say it adds to the film, because since we’re getting so little detail we’re trying to understand a relationship that even the couple might not understand. That the film is barely 80 minutes long, fantastically acted, and is shot in some of the most stunning and crisp black-and-white cinematography I’ve seen all year (this is how you use camerawork to tell a story, Alfonso Cuarón) is just the icing on the cake.
Don’t watch this if you’re depressed.
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12. Aquaman
I know, I know, I can’t believe it either. I couldn’t have possibly been less excited for this movie, except maybe as a morbid curiosity, but I’ll be damned if this isn’t one of the most stupidly entertaining films I’ve seen in recent history. Willem Dafoe exclaims “Surface dwellers. To arms!” while riding a hammerhead shark. Nicole Kidman fights armored sea-soldiers in a living room. An octopus plays drums before a ceremonial duel to the death. A globe-trotting plot that spans oceans, deserts, Sicily and the center of the goddamn Earth. The secondary villain has a pop-song montage where he develops his power-armor. Crab-people. All this (and much, much more) adds up to the wildest, most visually inventive superhero film I’ve seen in ages. All superhero films have a certain level of stupid that comes with the material. “Aquaman” goes so far above and beyond the normal level of stupid that it actually somehow becomes brilliant.
James Wan solidifies himself as one of the best blockbuster filmmakers working today, his endlessly creative and energetic direction making even the clichĂ©d parts (like the general plot of the reluctant outsider embracing his role as hero/leader, or the lame 80’s-fantasy-meets-dudebro dialogue) seem fun and tongue-in-cheek. Wan isn’t interested in making a deep, meaningful comic book adaptation; he made a visionary Movie! with a capital M, and the exclamation point being on fire. The film’s excessive length and frenetic pace makes it pretty exhausting, but it’s such a fun ride that it still felt super satisfying by the end.
I’d say the film’s only major weakness is Amber Heard as the love-interest, who would make a terrific department store mannequin but is ill-suited to the role of a charismatic warrior-queen. The movie could have definitely used a fun romance angle, but her and Jason Momoa (who is likeable and solid) have comically low chemistry, which is at least makes it kind of funny in how forced their romance scenes are.
Between this and “Wonder Woman”, it’s like DC is finally getting its shit together and embracing director-driven superhero films. I understand every problem people have with this film’s plot and dialogue and characters, but if you can tune your brain to a certain wavelength as I did, this is one of the most ridiculously entertaining, shamelessly dorky, and incredibly stupid things I’ve seen all year, and I still can’t believe someone greenlit this for $200 million and actually released it in theaters.
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11. The Favourite
Greek absurdist Yorgos Lanthimos has really hit his stride in recent years, culminating in his most straightforward film “The Favourite”, which despite having less inherent weirdness than “The Lobster” or “Killing of a Sacred Deer” sacrifices none of Lanthimos’ trademark dark humor and bite. The film, set during the early 1700’s is about the frail and mentally unhinged Queen Anne (Olivia Colman), whose affections and favor are vied for by her long-time friend and confidant (Rachel Weisz) and the palace’s newly-arrived servant (Emma Stone) while England fights a costly war with France. All three women give career-best performances in one of the best-acted movies of the year, and all deserving of their Oscar nominations (though it must be said that Nicholas Hoult was snubbed). It’s very tightly written, serving as a hilarious dark comedy, a fascinating historical costume drama and satire of class and politics, and a raw portrayal of the ever-changing relationship between these three women and how it reflects on human nature as a whole. And it’s all wrapped up in gorgeous production design and beautifully-lit, idiosyncratic cinematography with an atmosphere so thick you could cut it with a knife. Easily the best film of Lanthimos’ films that I’ve seen, and easily the best Best Picture nominee. Plus, seeing people in Ye Olde times scheming and fucking and swearing is just endlessly amusing to me.
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10. The Ballad of Buster Scruggs
If Netflix’s goal was to get serious about their movie production, then snagging the Coen Brothers’ Western anthology film was a hell of a step in the right direction. It goes without saying that the film is impeccably written, beautifully shot, well-acted, and loaded with the Coen’s wonderful trademark mixture of wit and weirdness. The way to properly review this film would be to review all six vignettes, but I’m not going to do that because I don’t want to give away any of the wonderful surprises the film has in store. The film as a whole is a fascinating look at less-archetypal stories of the Old West, all with the common theme of death and mortality, and as a middle-tier Coen Brothers film, it’s easily one of the best films of the year.
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9. Overlord
The night of D-Day, during the airborne invasion of Normandy, a paratrooper squad is sent to a French village to find and destroy a Germans communications station in order to greatly help the Allied landings in the morning. Once in the village, they team up with a local French woman and discover the Nazis plotting something far more horrifying and deadly than they could have imagined.
This is a classic men-on-a-mission WWII film crossed with a Wolfenstein-y Nazi mad science vibe, glossed up with the finest CGI, make-up, and gore effects that producer JJ Abrams can provide, but retaining the old-school straightforward plotting and a fairly grounded approach. The plot is easy to follow, the stakes are always clear, the action is loud (the sound design in this film is amazing), impactful, and always has a purpose in the plot, and the characters, while simple, are engaging and consistent in their characterization (especially love Wyatt Russell channeling his father’s masculine charisma). The film takes itself fairly seriously, the sparse humor more stemming from characters’ natural reactions to their situations and the escalation of the film’s B-movie premise, but the approach has the slightest tongue in cheek which is the perfect way to do this. And best of all, it wraps up neatly in the end with no sequel-baiting whatsoever. If I had to nitpick, I’d say the first half can be a bit slow at times and I wish they did a bit more with the Nazi scientist character. But “Overlord” is such a simple, unpretentious film, so confident in its craft, premise, and unrepentantly violent glee, I can’t help but love it. It’s something of a miracle this film came out on 2018. Thank God this wasn’t attached to the now-ruined Cloverfield franchise.
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8. Blindspotting
For most films I watch, I have my expectations going in that admittedly affect my judgement; I don’t know if I’d have rated “Aquaman” so high if I wasn’t so damn surprised by it (only a re-watch will tell), but my point is that I saw “Blindspotting”, not really having expectations because I was kind of winding down this list and just trying to squeeze in a few more films. Having said all that, this film just blindsided me with how good it is. The film is about Collin, a black man in Oakland in the last three days of his parole, who witnesses a police shooting and must contend with his internal struggle and the trouble that his white, best friend Miles often gets them in. The movie is feels incredibly alive, showing Oakland and its inhabitants as vibrant, colorful and multifaceted, as a city more than the sum of the issues it faces. The film perfectly straddles the line between comedy and drama, deftly maneuvering between the two leads shooting the shit while working at a moving company and confronting the heartbreaking reality of racial identity in a rapidly-gentrifying city. The two leads (Daveed Diggs and Rafael Casal) are both great, really adding depth to two characters who could have easily been portrayed as merely victims or troublemakers. The script (also written by Diggs and Casal) contains very smart and often hilarious dialogue, and the story is perfectly paced as it builds to an absolute stunner of a climax. Easily the year’s best and most nuanced film about race relations, while also possessing a compassionate, honest heart at its center.
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7. Widows
Steve McQueen (the director, not the dead actor) steps away from his prestige dramas about human suffering to make his first, and hopefully not last, foray into the world of pulpy crime thrillers, with the help of Gillian “Gone Girl” Flynn. Which isn’t to say he’s made a film lacking in substance; “Widows” is very smart about feminism, class, institutional racism and politics, and the fact that it manages to blend it so seamlessly with the story in such a satisfying way is a testament to the talents of all involved. The story is a gritty, twisty thriller about a trio of women who plan a ballsy heist to remedy their money troubles after their criminal husbands die during a botched robbery, while getting mixed up with local crooked politicians. The film is terrifically directed and edited (tell me the editing in the opening scene isn’t the most startling start to a film in 2018), the writing and character development is super satisfying, and the film has one of the best acting ensembles of the year. If I had to pick an MVP, I’d go with 6’3” Australian goddess Elizabeth Debicki who undergoes a hell of a character arc during the film and gives her best screen performance to date. I’d say the film’s only flaws are the generic Zimmer-esque thriller music (no surprise considering it was scored by Hans Zimmer himself), and that one character’s role in the last third of the movie (while a genuinely shocking twist) felt a bit unnecessary and overly paperback-pulpy.
But seriously, I cannot believe everyone (especially pretty much every major movie award) has been sleeping on “Widows”, because McQueen expertly mixes his thematic substance with strong character development and audience-pleasing thrills, adding up to one of 2018’s most satisfying films.
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6. At Eternity’s Gate
You know something I’ve realized while watching this film? I’ve never actually seen a film where Willem Dafoe, one of my favorite actors, plays the lead. The guy has always made such an impression in his supporting roles that I hadn’t realized how good a film starring him could be (no, I haven’t seen “The Last Temptation of Christ” yet, nerd), at least until I saw “At Eternity’s Gate”, a recounting of the last years of Vincent Van Gogh, who despite his brilliant artistry and view of nature was an outcast plagued by poverty and mental illness. The film’s cinematography is very distinct, often moving to the beat of Van Gogh’s state of mind, often in a state of frenetic disarray. It can be distracting at first, but it really suited the story and did a terrific job in getting the audience to feel Van Gogh’s mental state. I understand some people getting annoyed with this often-handheld approach to a film about a painter, but it’s important to remember that this film is more about the artist than the art. Not giving the slightest shit about Van Gogh going in, I was shocked at how much I was into the movie, entranced by both its beauty and despair. But going back to the whole Willem Dafoe thing, he’s the reason to see this film. Given the reigns to the film, Dafoe gives a commanding, entrancing and magnificent performance as the troubled artist, easily one of the best performances of the year and of his sterling career (definitely his best since “Speed 2: Cruise Control). A captivating look at life, death, and art that is a must for any fan of art, film, and Willem Dafoe.
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5. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
Fresh off their unceremonious but karmically satisfying exit from “Solo: A Star Wars” story, Lord and Miller return as producers and writers to bring us “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse”, one of the best and most original superhero films ever made. The story is about Miles Morales, a Brooklyn teenager who suddenly finds himself thrust into the role of Spider-Man after acquiring powers from a radioactive spider, and ends up teaming with various incarnations of Spider-Man from different universes to stop Kingpin from using a particle accelerator before he inadvertently destroys New York.
Along for the ride is an outstanding supporting cast with various Spider-people, including an older Peter Parker from an alternate universe, Nicolas Cage’s hilarious Spider-Man Noir and John Mulaney’s Looney Tunes-esque Spider Ham, as well as a badass Aunt May and a strong sympathetic-but-not villain in Kingpin.
I love the way all the supporting characters’ stories and actions gradually center around Miles; it’s a really organic way of showing us how much Miles grows more confident and inspired through his journey. Miles himself is a fun, likable protagonist, but the film’s real standout is actually Peter Parker. It’s a ballsy move to take Spider-Man’s most famous alter-ego and turn him into a jaded, out-of-shape, past-his-prime adult with sweatpants and a perpetual 5-o’clock shadow, a man with more regret than pride. His history in his own universe would be enough to make him a compelling character, but the reluctant-mentor relationship he forms with Miles and his own growth as a result really makes him my favorite depiction of the Spider-Man character.
All of this is wrapped up in an incredible animation style unlike anything done before in a motion picture, the film genuinely looking like a comic book come to life. And that’s without mentioning the super-fun and inventive action scenes, the funny, self-aware humor (though I do have to knock the film for making fun of “Spider-Man 3” but neither of the Andrew Garfield ones), and genuine love and care the filmmakers have for the characters.
We’ve finally done it. It’s only taken 14 years, but we’ve finally made another superhero movie that can live up to “Spider-Man 2”. May Lord and Miller make many, many more films in their lifetime, and may other mainstream filmmakers take inspiration from them to make something this different.
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4. One Cut of the Dead
A Japanese B-movie film crew making a zombie movie gets unwittingly attacked by actual zombies, the film opening with an impressive 37-minute long-take. That is literally all I’m going to tell you about this film, because this wonderful, hilarious, heartfelt, and endlessly inventive zombie-comedy is by far the biggest surprise of the year, and even though a beat-for-beat spoiler of the whole plot wouldn’t necessarily ruin it, its surprises are worth discovering for yourself. I’ll just say that the first two acts are fun and amusing, but are secretly setting up in many subtle ways the absolutely fan-fucking-tastic 3rd act, possibly my favorite stretch of filmmaking of the entire year, during the entirety of which I was either laughing or grinning like an idiot. Please seek “One Cut of the Dead” out however you can. I cannot stress how much I love this.
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3. The Death of Stalin
I’ve always loved Armando Iannucci’s work, from his workplace comedies to his dark political satires, so when he combined the two into a story of the power struggle amongst Soviet leaders in the wake of Stalin’s death in 1953, it’s hardly surprising the result is one of my favorite films of the year. It obvious to anyone who knows Iannucci’s stuff that the film is goddamn hilarious, with ace writing, some really good physical comedy and solid gold one-liners delivered from the year’s finest ensemble cast. Particularly worthy of praise are Steve Buscemi as Khrushchev, Rupert Friend as Vasily Stalin, Jason Isaacs as General Zhukov, and Jeffrey Tambor as Georgy Malenkov (I could honestly keep going in listing the great performances in this film). What is surprising is how dark and serious the subject matter is treated, as the film deftly veers from political satire of the bumbling and scheming leaders to the horrific effects that their actions have on the Soviet populace. The film itself starts out hilarious but gets progressively grimmer until you notice you’ve stopped laughing and it really hits you how terrifying living in this place and time was. It’s an absolutely brilliant balance of tone and I couldn’t be more satisfied with how the film keeps playing with the audience’s expectations, even if you know your Soviet history. Easily the funniest, smartest, and most startlingly dark film I’ve seen all year, and it really makes one hope that Armando Iannucci keeps up this whole filmmaking thing.
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2. Paddington 2
No, I’m not kidding. This is legit one of the best sequels of all time. The first “Paddington” was a very charming, though somewhat clunky, film that introduced moviegoers to Paddington, a polite and well-meaning anthropomorphic Peruvian Bear who finds himself adopted by a British family, and the various mishaps that ensue due to Paddington’s fish-out-of-water circumstances and his general clumsiness. The sequel finds Paddington working to buy a present for his aunt, only to find himself framed and imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit.
Before you assume something, no, this is not a dark, serious sequel. In fact, this is one of the most joyous and delightful films I’ve seen in a long time, as Paddington’s sweet nature inspires kindness in those around him, even the hardened inmates, as they try to free him from prison and catch the real criminal (a show-stealing Hugh Grant as a flamboyant actor). The bright colors and brilliantly filmmaking and camerawork from Paul King are so appealing that they actually make dull, gray London seem like a wonderful town. The action sequences and visual gags are so perfectly framed and executed that this film often feels like the best film Wes Anderson never made. The entire supporting cast, particularly Grant as well as Brendan Gleeson as the mean prison cook, is excellent and perfectly complements Ben Whishaw’s lovely voiceover work as the titular bear. The film has light (though obvious) anti-Brexit subtext, though it is perfectly integrated to the message of the film (“If you’re kind and polite, the world will be right.”) and in no way distracts from the story or characters, SPIKE LEE.
Look, I seriously cannot say enough good things about “Paddington 2”. The difference between a kid’s movie and a family film is that the latter is something that anyone can enjoy, and that statement absolutely applies to this. Even jaded misanthropic assholes (not unlike myself) would be seriously hard-pressed to not find joy in this movie.
And when people mention the greatest film performances of all time, they'll still mention the usual ones; Brando in "On the Waterfront", De Niro in "Raging Bull", Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood", etc.
But now, they'll also mention Hugh Grant in "Paddington 2".
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1. Mission: Impossible – Fallout
Holy shit, this movie is fucking nuts. I said that phrase to my friend multiple times when we saw it opening weekend in IMAX (if you didn’t see it in theaters, you seriously missed out). In terms of jaw-dropping, cinematic spectacle, no other movie this year captured the wonder and possibilities of the medium to such a degree. This might be the most fun I’ve ever had in a movie theater.
The plot involves Ethan and his IMF team (minus Jeremy Renner) on the hunt for three stolen plutonium cores after losing them in a botched exchange, accompanied by a CIA assassin (Henry Cavill, glorious mustache and all) sent to ensure their retrieval. It’s the kind of gripping and tense globe-trotting plot we’ve come to expect from the series, though it’s greatly helped by an old-school, low-tech approach, focusing more on espionage and deception, with the classic Mission: Impossible mask reveals never getting old.
Christopher McQuarrie returns to write and direct after the strong “Rogue Nation”. I was initially concerned about this because part of the appeal of this series was always putting each film in the hands of a different director and letting them put their own spin on it, but McQuarrie goes out of his way to make this film feel different from all the previous entries, the film notably much faster, grittier, and more personal than the last few entries. There’s not a lot of humor in the dialogue (which I appreciate for a film this big to take itself seriously), but there’s enough levity from Simon Pegg and the absurdity of the action scenes to compensate. The film as a whole feels like a massive step up from “Rogue Nation”, McQuarrie having grown leaps and bounds as an action director and even a storyteller. Even the returning bad guy from “Rogue Nation”, who I thought was kind of lame in that film, is much more threatening and badass here. My only complaint is that in his attempt to make the film feel grittier and more different, McQuarrie replaced “Rogue Nation” composer Joe Kraemer with Lorne Balfe, whose overly-processed Zimmer-esque score works well during the action scenes, but in all other areas feels like generic, droning, postcore memewave “noise” unfitting for such a fun series.
Whatever few weaknesses there are in plot (the mysterious villain’s reveal could’ve been less obvious, and all the double-crossing and factions get a bit convoluted at times) and score are easily offset by the incredible filmmaking and sheer bravado on display by Tom Cruise. Watching him sprint across London rooftops, get involved in not one or two but four incredible vehicular chases, throw down in one of the most brutal fistfights I’ve ever seen in Hollywood movie, and perform a HALO jump out of a cargo plane in the most ballsy one-shot ever recorded on film (which he did almost a hundred times during filming), it’s impossible not to appreciate how much this man risks his life for our entertainment. That he is so smoothly charismatic and such an underrated actor (pay attention to his facial expressions during the scene where he reunites with his ex-wife and must hide his reasons for being there) is only the icing on the cake.
Tom Cruise unironically deserves an Academy Award for his performance here. It’s such a committed, impressive, physical performance, one that so effectively blurs the lines between actor and character.  It’s up there with anything Chaplin and Keaton have ever done, and I sure as shit don’t recall seeing “actors” like Meryl Streep or Daniel Day-Lewis become a helicopter stunt pilot for a film role, or breaking their ankle during a stunt and still finishing the take in character. No one but Cruise can pull off something like this, as the script is keen to remind us in its meta-textual portrayal of a man so willing risking his life for the greater good, and it’s reassuring that there’s at least one actor in Hollywood who is even willing to try. I’m willing to rank Cruise as the 2nd greatest action star of all time (right behind Jackie Chan himself).
Every year after I write these reviews, I overexpose myself and become sick to death of movies, and usually wait until something incredible comes out to again remind me why I love this medium so much. “Mission: Impossible – Fallout” is that cinematic moment, and then some. This is the best movie I’ve seen since “Mad Max: Fury Road”, and possibly even better. Please keep making these for as long as you want, Tom, because you’re the only man in the industry who can make the impossible
possible.
The Golden Michael Awards
The Double-Wide Award for Best Trailer
Nominees:
A Quiet Place
BlackKklansman
Cold War
Mission: Impossible – Fallout
Overlord
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
They Shall Not Grow Old
 Runner-up: Cold War
Winner: Mission: Impossible – Fallout
The “Why Isn’t This an Oscar Category” Award for Best Scene
Nominees:
Ant-Man and the Wasp – Shrinking car chase
Aquaman – Sicily fight
Avengers: Infinity – Ending
Bad Times at the El Royale – One-way mirrors
BlacKkKlansman – Stokely Carmichael speech
Blindspotting – Garage confrontation
Deadpool 2 – X-Force mission
Den of Thieves – Double-date interruption
Kursk – Cold swim
Mission: Impossible – Fallout – Bathroom brawl
Mission: Impossible – Fallout – HALO jump
Mission: Impossible – Fallout – Helicopter chase
Mission: Impossible – Fallout – Paris extraction
One Cut of the Dead – The entire 3rd act
Overlord – Paradrop
Paddington 2 – Prison Break
Paddington 2 – Song-and-dance finale
Paradox – Apartment fight/chase
Shock Wave – Bomb vest disposal
The Death of Stalin – Funeral
The Night Comes For Us – Final fight
Upgrade – First fight
Widows – The heist
Runner-up: Mission: Impossible – Fallout – Helicopter chase
Winner: One Cut of the Dead – The entire 3rd act
The Objectification Award for Most Attractive - Male
Nominees:
Alden Ehrenreich – Solo: A Star Wars Story
Henry Golding – Crazy Rich Asians
Jason Statham – The Meg
John Krasinski – A Quiet Place
Keanu Reeves – Destination Wedding
Michael B. Jordan – Black Panther
Paul Rudd – Ant Man & The Wasp
Tom Cruise – Mission: Impossible – Fallout
Tom Hardy – Venom
Chris Hemsworth – Avengers: Infinity War
 Runner-up: Tom Cruise – Mission: Impossible – Fallout
Winner: Chris Hemsworth – Avengers: Infinity War
The Objectification Award for Most Attractive - Female
Nominees:
Blake Lively – A Simple Favor
Dakota Johnson – Suspiria
Haley Lu Richardson – Support the Girls
Joanna Kulig – Cold War
Lady Gaga – A Star is Born
Laura Harrier – BlacKkKlansman
Olivia Cooke – Ready Player One
Sofia Boutella – Hotel Artemis
Winona Ryder – Destination Wedding
Zazie Beetz – Deadpool 2
 Runner-up: Blake Lively – A Simple Favor
Winner: Joanna Kulig – Cold War
The Zoolander Award for Most Really, Really, Really, Ridiculously Good-Looking Film
Nominees:
Aquaman
Bad Times at the El Royale
Cold War
Crazy Rich Asians
Incredibles 2
Isle of Dogs
Leave No Trace
Mission: Impossible – Fallout
Mute
Paddington 2
Roma
Shadow
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
Suspiria
The Ballad of Buster Scruggs
The Favourite
They Shall Not Grow Old
 Runner-up: Cold War
Winner: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
The Brahmin Award for Best Cast
Nominees:
Avengers: Infinity War
Bad Times at the El Royale
Crazy Rich Asians
Isle of Dogs
Paddington 2
Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
The Ballad of Buster Scruggs
The Death of Stalin
The Favourite
Widows
 Runner-up: Paddington 2
Winner: The Death of Stalin
The “It’s no ‘Solo: A Star Wars Story’ by John Powell” Award for 2nd Best Film Score
Nominees:
Ant-Man and the Wasp – Christophe Beck
Black Panther – Ludwig Göransson
BlackKklansman – Terence Blanchard
Game Night – Cliff Martinez
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom – Michael Giacchino
The Cloverfield Paradox – Bear McCreary
The Death of Stalin – Christopher Willis
 Runner-up: The Cloverfield Paradox – Bear McCreary
Winner: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom – Michael Giacchino
The Jussie Smollett Award for Best Performance
Honorable Mentions:
Adam Driver – BlackKklansman
Andy Lau – Shock Wave
Ben Foster – Leave No Trace
Christian Bale – Vice
Claire Foy - Unsane
Clint Eastwood – The Mule
Emma Stone - The Favourite
Gugu Mbatha-Raw – The Cloverfield Paradox
Jakob Cedergren – The Guilty
Jamie Lee Curtis - Halloween
Jason Isaacs – The Death of Stalin
Jason Statham – The Meg
Joaquin Phoenix – You Were Never Really Here
Joe Cole – A Prayer Before Dawn
John Cena – Bumblebee
Lady Gaga – A Star is Born
Logan Marshall-Green – Upgrade
Mark Wahlberg – Mile 22
Matthew McConaughey – White Boy Rick
Melissa McCarthy – Can You Ever Forgive Me?
Michelle Yeoh – Crazy Rich Asians
Nick Offerman – Hearts Beat Loud
Rachel Weisz - The Favourite
Robert Redford – The Old Man and the Gun
Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool 2
Sam Clafin – Journey’s End
Steve Buscemi – The Death of Stalin
Takayumi Hamatsu – One Cut of the Dead
Thomasin McKenzie – Leave No Trace
Tilda Swinton – Suspiria
Tom Hardy – Venom
Viola Davis – Widows
Wyatt Russell – Overlord
 Nominees:
Blake Lively – A Simple Favor
Bradley Cooper – A Star is Born
Daveed Diggs – Blindspotting
Elizabeth Debicki – Widows
Elsie Fisher – Eighth Grade
Ethan Hawke – First Reformed
Gerard Butler – Den of Thieves
Haley Lu Richardson – Support the Girls
Hugh Grant – Paddington 2
Joanna Kulig – Cold War
Louis Koo – Paradox
Mahershala Ali – Green Book
Olivia Colman – The Favourite
Rachel McAdams – Game Night
Rafael Casal – Blindspotting
Regina Hall – Support the Girls
Richard E. Grant - Can You Ever Forgive Me?
Tom Cruise - Mission: Impossible – Fallout
Viggo Mortenson – Green Book
Willem Dafoe – At Eternity’s Gate
 Runner-up: Willem Dafoe – At Eternity’s Gate
Winner: Hugh Grant – Paddington 2
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moviemagistrate · 5 years
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“First Reformed” review
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Ethan Hawke plays a priest and former military chaplain who serves at a small historical upstate New York church while tending to his dwindling Ethan Flock. One day, he gets a visit from a young pregnant woman asking him to meet with and provide guidance to her depressed, radical environmentalist husband, and the ensuing crisis of faith the priest experiences after their Ethan Talk. His research into environmental issues and activism puts him up against the head of a megachurch that owns his small church and a wealthy industrialist who has Ethan Stock in the church, who both think his concerns are a bunch of Ethan Crock. In addition to that, his physical state is deteriorating due to alcoholism and medical issues, which he tries to remedy by visiting his Ethan Doc and drinking cocktails made of whiskey and Pepto Bismol (on the Ethan Rocks), and he’s also plagued by the death of his son, who died fighting in Ethan Iraq. This film feels like a return to form for Ethan Hawke as a serious actor, after a few years of mostly making Ethan Schlock. I particularly love the scene where he brutally rejects some woman who wants his Ethan Cock, leaving her absolutely Ethan ROCKED. The movie’s quality can mainly be Ethan Chalked up to his intense and soulful performance, as well as a strong supporting cast and Paul Schrader’s excellent writing. While the ending felt a bit silly and I’m still not sure how I feel about it months later, it’s hardly an Ethan Knock on the movie, for the film as a whole is hard to Ethan Mock.
I’m truly sorry for this review, just not enough to not post it. Feel free to have me Ethan Blocked.
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moviemagistrate · 5 years
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“Black Panther” Review
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Isn’t it weird to live in a world where the most culturally significant film of the year is a comic book movie with CGI war rhinos? Maybe it’s just my inner contrarian talking, but I can’t help but be baffled at not so much the financial success (the Marvel/Disney juggernaut has shown no sign of slowing down), but rather the critical praise and awards that have been bestowed upon this film. I’m not naïve; I know that this praise stems mainly from the film’s inclusivity (I hesitate to use the word “diversity” since the cast is all black save for a couple of white dudes) and for being the first film of this size to have a mostly-black cast and be directed by a black director. Quality-wise, on the other hand, “Black Panther” strikes me as just slightly above average for Marvel, and all the more disappointing considering all the talent involved.
The story is initially about T’Challa/Black Panther, the newly crowned king and protector of the isolated and highly technologically-advanced African country of Wakanda, who struggles with the duties of being king while also hunting for arms dealer Ulysses Klaue, who robbed his country of some of their precious metal vibranium, killing lots of his people in the process. Eventually the plot morphs into a power struggle for the throne by T’Challa’s long-estranged cousin Erik/Killmonger, who has become bitter and angry over their country’s isolationism and refusal to help the oppressed peoples of the world, along with his own personal connection to T’Challa’s father.
The plot is nicely focused without having too many villains, and isn’t encumbered with lots of pointless action scenes. What action there is, however, is too reliant on CGI and not enough on genuine excitement or imagination, and feel like a massive step down from director Ryan Coogler’s excellent fight scenes in “Creed”. The finale in particular is pretty lame, with some spaceships shooting each other in the sky while a bunch of extras fight in a field, and Black Panther and Evil Black Panther fight on a murky train track, and it all looks like a PS2 cutscene if the PS2 had an axe lodged in it. Even the one-on-one duels during the challenges to the throne suffer from the shaky-cam/fast-editing cancer combo, missing even a nice dose of brutality to the kicks and punches. If anything feels like Marvel’s formulaic nature stifling a talented filmmaker, it’s the action in “Black Panther”.
Speaking of which, for all of this film’s wonderful costumes and artistic design, the film feels like it’s not showing nearly enough of Wakanda. We get a few flyovers of the main city and one street where people walk happily along, but most of the time in Wakanda is either in fields or a lab where Black Panther’s Q (and sister) makes gadgets and patches people up for him. So much hype is made about the wonderment of Wakanda, but visually we really don’t see much that’s interesting in it. The sequence in Seoul where it briefly becomes a Black Bond film (the best part of the movie) is also the best looking part because of Seoul’s naturally pretty nighttime aesthetic. It’s really only in the dream sequences where characters speak to their fathers in some ancestral plane where the film finds its own visual groove (love that purple), but this only happens a couple of times in the movie. And while there’s some creative camerawork at play, the colors mostly feel the usual muted way they do in Marvel’s films, the film desperately needing some vibrant stylization and color (ironically).
The story shows flashes of ambition and works better than the action or the visuals. Michael B. Jordan’s Killmonger has considerably more depth than the typical one-dimensional Marvel villain, his anger stemming from the real world injustice that his people have faced for centuries, and wants Wakanda to take global power and help the oppressed of the world. This stuff feels so real that the film almost seems scared to embrace him, so of course they have to counteract his valid points by making him a murderous psychopath who executes people who don’t fall in line with him, and who wants to spread laser-guns around the world and start World War 3 (I guess I shouldn’t expect too much for a character named Killmonger). The film makes the occasional stab at political awareness, but never quite commits to it, which just makes the ending speech about opening borders feel so frying-pan-to-the-head blunt that it could have been written by Spike Lee. Speaking of villains, Andy Serkis is very entertaining as the arms dealer Klaue, bringing so much swagger in every scene he’s in that the impish fun he’s having is infectious, so it's unfortunate that the movie gets rid of him so early, even if it’s understandable why.
The rest of the characters are a mixed bag.  While the king's sister/gadget scientist is a bit annoying at times (the "WHAT ARE THOOOSE?" line made my skin crawl), she's played with enough enthusiasm and comic timing that she works. I really like the character of Okoye, the king's bodyguard/general, because she has an interesting moral conflict in the film as her unwavering loyalty to the throne clashes with her personal beliefs and convictions (the film would have probably been better if it was about her). I even like Martin Freeman as the film's tag-along CIA agent (and token white guy), and the bit players all have their moment to shine. The main problem with the cast is actually T'Challa himself. It's refreshing that he's not the same smarmy, quippy white dude that all the other heroes are, but while they got rid of that trait, the writers forgot to replace it with anything else. How can you describe his personality? Noble? Boring? The character has a good conflict set up for him, a new king thrust upon the throne by tragedy and struggling to determine Wakanda's future, but he just has no charisma in this film, something desperately needed if Chadwick Boseman (who is generally a good actor) is to carry his own franchise.
Ultimately, "Black Panther" works as another solid Marvel film, the safety net of Marvel's lack of ambition being slightly elevated by a good cast, the Seoul scenes, the villains, and Ludwig Göransson's kick-ass score. But ultimately, the few reaches that "Black Panther" makes for greatness only serve to highlight how cookie-cutter the rest of the film feels. Other than its brief flirtations with interesting subject matter and the refreshing sight of an action blockbuster’s cast having an average melanin level greater than 1%, it’s still more typical MCU, filled with lame humor, a dull and muted color palette, and the same ol’ large, cluttered 3rd-act battle filled with embarrassingly bad CGI. Wakanda Whatever.
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moviemagistrate · 6 years
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2017 Movie Year-in-Review
All the 2017 films I saw, ranked worst to best, with the occasional funny joke thrown in, with superlatives in the end.
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I procrastinated a lot with this and wanted to get it out in time for the Oscars, so apologies for the lack of proofreading and occasional grammar error.
Thank you for reading this. This was fun and therapeutic. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do something so comprehensive next year, so your attention/feedback this year is appreciated.
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88. The Snowman
Fun bit of trivia about this movie; due to time and budget constraints, director Tomas Alfredson and company were unable to film approximately 10-15% of the script. Let me repeat that; in the year of our lord 2017, a major movie with big stars and a well-known director was allowed to be released even though the movie was literally not finished.
As you might imagine, this leads to a variety of plot holes, character inconsistencies, multiple subplots that go nowhere, and some downright bizarre editing choices. What cannot be excused is the plodding pacing, the confusing story, the dull and unengaging mystery, dialogue that ranges from dumb to nonsensical, and watching strong performers like Michael Fassbender and Rebecca Ferguson fail to act like actual human beings (and Val Kilmer, who doesn’t even look like a human being anymore). Also, Michael Fassbender’s character’s name is Detective HARRY HOLE. Just keep saying that name to yourself until you want to shave. Imagine if he had Harry Callahan’s nickname.
If you think this all leads to a fun time with a bad movie, think again, because “The Snowman” is the most boring pile of crap I’ve seen all year. I was all excited to see this for the laughs and I was genuinely zoning out for good portions of it. That it was allowed release in its current state is just downright baffling, as this is like the film version of a rough draft that would get a D- in even the most forgiving of writing classes.
Very pretty landscapes and cinematography, though.
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87. War Machine
A “satire” about the war in Afghanistan and a U.S. general’s attempt to bring resolution to the conflict, “War Machine” is boring, unfunny, and confused about itself. Much like Brad Pitt’s performance, “War Machine” never finds the balance between satirical comedy and sobering drama that it so desperately reaches for. And what’s the message that this $60-million-dollar film is trying to convey? That the War in Afghanistan was/is a mess that can’t be easily cleaned up? Even if this film wasn’t a few years late to that party, it fails to provide any redeeming entertainment value, barely mustering a few weak chuckles from me as I watched it. It improves in the somber 2nd half of the film, but by that point it’s too-little-too-late. I’ve been looking forward to another one of Pitt’s “weird” performances, but man, this film was a letdown, and he wasn’t even that weird in it. It’s so damn dull I can’t even enjoy making fun of it. Netflix should really just stick to their original shows and leave the movies to the professionals.
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86. Better Watch Out
It’s almost impossible to talk about my opinion on this film without spoiling the damn thing, but I’ll try. The basic premise is that a teenage babysitter and the adolescent boy she’s watching over experience a possible home invasion that *surprise* is not what it initially seems. The film is smart, pretty well-crafted, and fairly bold in its portrayal of a type of villain not often seen in horror films. The reason “Better Watch Out” is so low on my list this year is because I just hated watching it. Eventually it crossed the line from intentionally miserable to just downright annoying and unpleasant. It doesn’t help that much of the film seems to take place from the perspective of the villains and not the actual victims, as if having a twisted (i.e. “entertaining”) point-of-view is more important than generating sympathy for the victims by portraying them as three-dimensional characters (especially since the villains get a stinger, implying that their “adventures” will continue). The warm lighting colors and near-constant Christmas music playing throughout the film only exacerbated this feeling for me when mixed with all the blood and unpleasantness, as if the filmmakers are a bunch of edgy douchebags bragging about how totally fucked up their version of Christmas is, duuude. If your favorite movies of all time are “Home Alone” and Michael Haneke’s “Funny Games”, and you’ve always wondered what a cross between the two would be like, this movie is for you and literally no one else. I get what the film is trying to accomplish, I really do, but I’ve just been so sick of mean-spirited, nihilistic bullshit lately that I can’t honestly endorse this in any way.
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85. Their Finest
The first (and worst) film about Dunkirk released in 2017, “Their Finest” is about a group of wartime English writers attempting to make a government-commissioned inspirational propaganda film about the aforementioned evacuation. The main character is an underappreciated female writer, and the film is partly about celebrating woman storytellers. To that end, it works, but a significant chunk of the film is about the lead (who is married) and her burgeoning romance with a fellow writer on the film they’re making. I don’t particularly blame the actors, since the romance feels contrived and forced from the get-go, but the two of them just have no chemistry, which means that a major part of the film doesn’t work, thereby dragging the rest of the film down with it. “Their Finest” has standout performances by dry, British thesp Bill Nighy as a pompous actor who has trouble getting work but views the propaganda he’s starring in to be beneath him, and human puppy-dog Jake Lacey as a heroic American pilot that can’t act but is crowbarred into their film to appeal to still-neutral United States audiences. The overall film ranges between mediocre and alright, but is ruined by a bafflingly stupid twist/development about 20 minutes before the movie ends. Without being specific, I’ll just say that a character dies after a random freak accident. Not killed by German bombers (the damage of which was shown often in the film and which would have made more sense), but by a loose scaffolding. This moment is so pointless and out-of-nowhere that it’s downright laughable. A few characters talk later on about the sacrifices made during wartime, but it’s hard to take seriously because the tragedy one of them is talking about was caused by a dastardly (maybe Nazi-built) building structure.
“Their Finest” is well-acted and has a nicely-accomplished period setting, but too much of the film just doesn’t work, dramatically speaking. What does it say when you’re making a movie about women in film and Bill Nighy is the best part? Put it another way; the crudely-made and hammily-acted film-within-a-film is better than the actual movie.
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84. Bright
From the director of “Suicide Squad” and the writer of “American Ultra” comes a gritty, urban fantasy movie about Officer Will Smith teaming up with LAPD’s first orc cop to investigate a powerful magic wand and try to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands (this is a David Ayer cop movie, so you can probably guess that Latino gangbangers are among said “wrong hands”).
If that first paragraph hasn’t put you off (in which case, what the hell is wrong with you?), I’ll start by saying that the film is not as catastrophically awful as some reviews or even my own description of the film would lead you to believe. Not that I’m saying it’s any good. At best, it’s watchable and entertainingly dumb. The film moves along at a good clip once the plot actually kicks in, and Will Smith and Joel Edgeton are a decent pair of leads. The action scenes aren’t remarkable, but at least they’re competent and understandable.
At its’ worst however, it is an ugly, brainless and sometimes painfully-drawn out genre mashup that clearly wants to build a world (i.e. franchise) but spends very little time actually fleshing out the world or investigating the theme of racism that courses through the film. Basically, 2,000 years ago, there was some big war between humans, elves, and orcs, and since then there’s been an uneasy peace. Orcs are the downtrodden for supporting “The Dark Lord” (how long did it take ‘em to come up with that one?), elves are snooty one-percenters, and humans are just humans. If you were wondering if there’s any human-on-human racism in the film (since, y’know, it’s trying to be “realistic”), there bafflingly isn’t. There’s a scene where a white cop is talking to Will Smith in the locker room about how Smith’s new partner is just a diversity hire, and that Smith agrees instead of smacking the shit out of him tells you about how in-touch writer Max Landis is with American race politics.
There are several conversations in the film, either about race or police work or plot stuff, that are so drawn out and repetitive that they gave me “The Room” flashbacks. The rest of the film is just a generic urban cop movie with some fantasy elements, the script ripe with clichĂ©d dialogue and containing more fucks in it than a brothel during a holiday sale. Calling this a Netflix Original is funny seeing as how the film is dreadfully derivative and the cleverest and most original idea it has is “orcs love death metal”. Considering the murky lighting and how idiotic a lot of the writing is, the title is a bit of a misnomer.
Truthfully, I was kind of let down by how mediocre the film was. I expected something staggeringly awful. The first 10 minutes of the film raised my hopes by giving me an opening credits card for “Trigger Warning Entertainment” and Will Smith swatting a fairy and squashing it with his boot before saying “Fairy lives don’t matter today” (I did not make either of those up), but the film disappointingly improves to “meh” status. Rejoice, David Ayer fan! His latest film is better than “Suicide Squad”.
Note: It should also be stated that in one shot of the LA skyline, there was a fucking dragon flying overhead, and no one ever brings up the giant, flying, flame-breathing kill-lizard hovering over one of the country’s most densely populated cities, so that should tell you where this movie’s priorities are.
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83. Life
I anticipated the “Alien” comparisons going into this but Jesus, you have no idea. It’s like “Life” just copied Alien’s homework, changed the title, made everything shittier, and called it a day. It’s not altogether terrible, though. It looks fine (some nice long-takes here), the cast is alright, the setting is decent, the actors space-float convincingly. I liked it well enough up until the ending, which would have worked for me if I didn’t see it coming a mile away, but the foresight ruined it and much of the movie for me. It would have been more surprising if it went for a less surprising ending, if that makes sense. This might make me sound horribly depressed, but “Life” sucks.
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82. The Incredible Jessica James
This Netflix rom-com about a theater instructor who enters into a relationship with a recent divorcee feels like it was written and directed by a first-year film student (themes and messages are very obviously spoken by the characters, and the camerawork mostly consists of shot/reverse-shot conversations and wide-shots of 2 or 3 characters and their environment). Making it worse is the near-constant stream of “hip” dialogue coming mainly from the lead. The film coasts entirely on the charms of Jessica Williams and Chris O'Dowd, but since their charms are considerable, it's enough to make it watchable. The film basically works, but it’s forgettable and not very interesting. It feels like a made-for-Netflix movie, since that has become a thing.
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81. Unicorn Store
I saw Brie Larson’s directorial-debut at the Toronto International Film Festival and it was a bit of a red flag that tickets for this only cost $10 as opposed to the usual $50-60 for festival tickets. A story of a young unicorn-obsessed artist whose post-school life is in limbo, and as she’s forced to settle down for a boring office job, she gets a mysterious invite from a hammier-than-usual Samuel L. Jackson to visit his magical underground store and buy a unicorn. It’s well-acted and Brie Larson has a good eye for visuals and it has the occasional funny gag, but it never quite hits the tone it’s going for. The film can’t decide between whimsical and grounded, and can’t find a good middle ground between the two. For example, in this story about a wonder-filled childlike woman coming to terms with growing up, there’s a subplot about workplace sexual harassment. Larson almost makes the whole thing work through sheer performative force of will, but the script is just too fundamentally flawed, although it should at least be commended for its originality. I didn’t hate this movie, but I can’t honestly think of anyone I’d recommend it to either. “Charming failure” is the best phrase I can use to describe “The Unicorn Store”, along with “excessively twee” and “mildly retarded”.
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80. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
An anachronistic, action-packed updated of the Arthurian legend done under Guy Ritchie seemed like a good idea on paper (it worked for Sherlock Holmes), but doesn’t quite work in reality. The film is far too gloomy and dreary, and takes itself too seriously for such a silly story. Charlie Hunnam is so generic and dull as the lead here that I was genuinely surprised to find out he’s not Australian. It feels like Ritchie never quite gets a grasp on the overall story. It’s more like a series of moments, some of which are admittedly pretty damn cool (like anytime Arthur goes ham with Excalibur), but the film’s breakneck pace never really allows us to absorb any character or plot point or relationship. A good 15-20% of the film is montages which rush through seemingly important character development (including Arthur’s upbringing and finding his motivation to help the resistance). While this Ritchie-like progression is not without its entertainment value, I can’t help but feel like a more conventional approach (and much more levity) would have made the film a lot better, as much as I hate saying that. The film is just a mess. It feels like “King Arthur” for the “Game of Thrones” audience, which I do not mean as a good thing. Ace soundtrack though.
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79. Transformers: The Last Knight
What can I say about this film that hasn’t already been said about the last three Transformers sequels? It’s loud, overlong, excessive, confusing, expensive, and mildly satisfying, not unlike sex with me. I’ll just include some notes about the movie, since it’s hard to write a coherent review about it:
-          In impressive Bay-ish fashion, the movie literally starts with explosions
-          The King Arthur stuff that starts this film is better than “King Arthur: Legend of the Sword”
-          Between the breakneck pace and mountains of exposition, I genuinely had pretty much no idea what was happening for the first half of the movie.
-          The combination of Mark Wahlberg’s goofy demeanor, manic-yet-bewildered line delivery, and terrible hair just makes his depiction as the “Chosen One” savior-of-humanity type pretty hilarious.
-          God bless Sir Anthony Hopkins, however, for being as committed to his performance as a foul-mouthed English lord and exposition device as he was here.
-          There’s a scene later in the movie that is just the Bay-equivalent of the Omaha Beach scene from “Saving Private Ryan”, and it’s exactly as awesome as it sounds.
-          The whole third act in general is pretty damn sweet and quite satisfying, giving a notoriously-unsubtle filmmaker free-reign to bring about his gargantuan vision. In his visuals, he effortlessly marries the abstract and the spectacular, like an adaptation of a series of Picasso paintings shot by an IMAX camera operator on meth.
-          I understand that hating Bay is popular (and fairly understandable), but if you can meet him about 70% of the way, you can see that his films are really like nothing else out there.
-          Weirdly, there was very little transforming.
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78. Justice League
Most of what I have to say about this film involves the words “reshoots”, “CGI lip”, “Marvel”, “Joss Whedon”, and “fuck”, and I’ve already said more than my two cents on Warner Bros. and how they’re screwing up their flagship franchise, so I’ll spare you that stuff. “Justice League” is a movie whose charming cast, fast pace, and occasionally funny moment help carry you to the finish line, but not enough to ignore the cringeworthy Marvel-tier humor, awful villain, amateur CGI, generic 3rd act, noticeable visual and tonal inconsistency, and that fucking Joss Whedon-reshot CGI lip on Superman’s face.
“A Zack Snyder film” is probably the biggest lie a movie’s credits has ever told us.
Anyway, the DCEU will always be a sham until they make a feature length Booster Gold movie.
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77. The Mummy
By now it’s hardly a secret that Universal Studios’ attempt to start a grand action-horror franchise based on its old monster movies hasn’t been well-received, or that the likelihood of this laughably-named Dark Universe even continuing is up in the air. I saw this film fully expecting it to be garbage, and while my expectation was met pretty well, the film isn’t as awful as I thought. Tom Cruise is very watchable and it’s nice to see him play a character that, while not out of his comfort zone, at least has an edge to him (how many action movies have a protagonist that is actively cowardly and selfish for most of it?) Russell Crowe is also fun as Dr. Jekyll, especially when he turns to Mr. Hyde (sprouting purple veiny skin and a cockney accent). It’s reasonably fun for the first half (up to and including the ambulance chase), but the film just becomes really tedious in the second half, trying really hard to set up the rest of the Dark Universe while still struggling to wrap up its own story. The climax is borderline incomprehensible; I’ve watched it twice, and have read the Wikipedia summary numerous times, and I still can’t explain to you exactly how Tom Cruise defeats the main villains. In summary, I’d describe the film as alright until it’s not, but I mainly want to talk about it as a product instead of a movie.
I’ve never seen a film so obvious (from a production standpoint) in almost every story decision it makes. A lot of the dialogue is overly-expository and Saturday-morning cartoon simple, like it’s specifically designed so foreign (read: Chinese) audiences wouldn’t get lost. Universal didn’t cast Tom Cruise in the role of a cocky rogue because he’s the best man for the part (though he is quite fun), but because he’s the only megastar whose name on the marquee could get people to see a universe-building Mummy reboot (it’s what got me, admittedly). First-time director Alex Kurtzman was chosen to helm the first entry in this franchise, not because he’s a talented filmmaker or writer (he’s not), but because he’s been a producer on a number of successful projects. The film is peppered (especially in the 2nd half) with references to monsters and objects from the Universal monster movies because Universal is desperately cramming in as much as it can to hint at further movies in this would-be franchise. The movie ends with (SPOILER) Tom Cruise becoming the mummy not because it’s a good or logical progression of the story, but because they need Cruise to return in future installments and they were too fucking stupid to just cast him as Van Helsing. Why the film decides to go from a desert setting to boring-ass London is the only real mystery to me, but otherwise this feels as transparent as an Ed Wood movie, but with casting and writing instead of obvious doubles and hubcap-UFOs.
It's easy to write this film off as a desperate and pathetic attempt by an out-of-touch studio to kickstart a franchise (because it is), but honestly, it’s whatever. It’s reasonably amusing, has a great soundtrack by Brian Tyler, it at least has a sense of humor about itself, and I’d be lying if I said I wanted this franchise to end, because I’m honestly curious to see how dumb and convoluted it can get. If you ever saw a movie about mummies and wondered what it would be like if the mummy was sexy, this is the movie for you. In all honesty, I’d let Sofia Boutella kiss me to death and resurrect me as her slave.
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76. Tour De Pharmacy
A satire of the doping scandals affecting competitive cycling, “Tour De Pharmacy” is more consistently funny than “7 Days in Hell”, the previous one of these HBO comedy specials starring Andy Samberg and a million cameos, but doesn’t peak as high. John Cena is hilarious, but Lance Armstrong’s extended cameo feels just that; extended. His reveal could have been a great, brief moment but they just bring him back too often to do the same joke, like they’re hoping if they tell it often enough it’ll go full-circle and become funny again. An amusing and easy 40-minute watch, but not one worth discussing at length.
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75. Columbus
Before some film student flings their craft beer at me for putting this film so low on my list, let me explain.
Kogonada, the mononymous video essay maker, makes his feature film debut, a story of two people trapped in the town of Columbus, Indiana. One is a Korean-American man (John Cho) visiting when his famous architect father falls ill and collapses, the other a young woman (Haley Lu Richardson) who has put off her dreams and aspirations to stay and take care of her recovering drug-addict mother. The film follows the two of them as they explore Columbus and converse about its various modernist buildings and structures, learning about each other and bonding. The film is mainly shot from single-point perspectives and a camera that rarely moves, and shot in a way that emphasizes the design of its surroundings. It’s a neat idea, filming in a way that puts you in the heads of its architecture-obsessed characters. The film takes a very minimalist approach to its story; you won’t see much melodrama, or even much drama for that matter, with the focus being on the subtle ways the buildings we see reflecting on the characters’ souls. That’s kind of the big problem for me; I understand the director’s use of form as a function of getting in the heads of his characters, but it often feels like he cares much more about form than function. The film has impressively symmetrical framing and is often very pretty to look at, but the restrained nature of the storytelling and the way the camera often keeps people at a distance feels like it constrains these characters more than expressing their inner desires. The two lead actors almost single-handedly rescue the film for me, Cho showing a classic leading-man dignity and strength and Richardson’s soulful and vivacious performance feeling like the quietly-beating heart of the film.
I feel bad about being so hard on this film, as it’s an altogether pleasant and well-acted experience that tells a story in a unique way, but I honestly just found it dull rather than contemplative, slow and low-energy instead of deliberately paced, and to quote John Cho’s character earlier in the film, “I don’t give a shit about architecture.”
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74. Power Rangers
What can you really say about a Power Rangers movie released in 2017? Power Rangers, a property so exclusive at this point to man-children and actual children that even watching the trailer to this causes one embarrassment, is just the latest franchise reboot that tries to wring out more money win over a new generation of fans, but so fundamentally changes what made its source material popular that it’s hard to see who to recommend it to. Gone is the campy, over-the-top kung fu and (for the most part) the wonderful overacting, replaced by a relatively grounded approach about troubled teenagers finding solace in teamwork and friendship (while battling ancient, interdimensional villains).
However, to my absolute shock, I actually found myself enjoying the new approach much more than expected. I liked the young leads, who are likable and charming enough to keep the movie going, since the action doesn’t really start until 90 minutes in. Weirdly, I liked the whole character and teenage drama part more than the boring 3rd-act CGI destruction fest. The characters are surprisingly well-developed, in particular the black kid with autism whose condition not only doesn’t feel exploitative but actually meaningful in his character arc. Plus, Naomi Scott, who plays the Pink Ranger, is a solid 10/10.
I liked the frankly obscene amount of Krispy Kreme product placement. This is the kind of silly film I actually enjoy seeing product placement in, just to see how absurd it can get (the villain at one point literally goes to a Krispy Kreme and inspects a donut before eating it). Speaking of the villain, I absolutely loved Elizabeth Banks as RITA REPULSA, who feels like a Saturday morning cartoon villain come to life in the best possible way due to Banks’ performance. It’s so hilarious that you kind of wish the rest of the film was as faithful to the source material as she is. I liked that the climax literally ends with a villain literally being smacked into orbit, Team Rocket-style (probably should have put a spoiler warning, but I’m sure you can hazard a guess that a Power Rangers movie ends up with the evil villain being beaten).
Honestly the film is overall not that good, but not that bad either. It’s charming and confident enough in itself to be an enjoyable 2 hours, and as long as you’re not the kind of mouth-breathing cretin that demands loyalty to the source material, you’ll get a kick out of it (being slightly drunk helps as well).
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73. XXX: Return of Xander Cage
Paying money to see this in IMAX was not the proudest moment of my life. However, I’m a big fan of the previous xXx movies (which is a statement I don’t think anyone has ever said before), and part of me was curious how they’d bring a franchise about badass roguish NSA-recruited anti-heroes saving the world into the modern day. Well as it turns out, they just turned it into an even sillier and more self-aware version of Vin Diesel’s Fast & Furious movies.
The plot is about a magic Nintendo DS that can crash satellites into the Earth and everyone’s trying to get it, including Vin Diesel’s character who is lured out of hiding for reasons I can’t remember, and he recruits a team of rapscallions that goes head-to-head with a rogue team led by charismatic Hong Kong superhero Donnie Yen. I liked the previous format of the franchise where each film was focused on one agent with maybe a sidekick or two getting the job done. It feels cheap and unnecessary to add so many personalities and act like they all matter (part of the aforementioned Fast-and-Furious-ening of the series). Vin makes sense, Donnie Yen is fucking awesome, and Nina Dobrev is funny as the team’s tech geek, but the others range from wasted potential (Tony Jaa) to waste of screen-time (everyone else). After F&F and Guardians of the Galaxy, this is like, the third Vin Diesel franchise about “family” (can’t wait for Riddick to lead a gang of fellow convicts on a wacky space-heist).
The film has bizarrely obscure callbacks to the first movie, meant for literally no one but me and the other 2 people on Earth who regularly re-watch “xXx”, and the action doesn’t amount to much. The film only kicks into gear with the climactic plane scene, which is the only action scene in the film that feels like a set-piece.
Still, despite how cheap and corny the film is, I still found it enjoyable. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie where all the performers are acting sarcastically. Toni Collette in particular leaves no piece of scenery un-chewed. Vin Diesel opens his eyes occasionally, so by default it’s his best acting in years. Ice Cube’s entire time on screen is him looking like he can’t believe he agreed to do this shit. It’s funny how Vin pretends like it’s still 2002 and he’s still 30; there’s a scene where he literally has to have sex with a room full of beautiful women to “gather intelligence”. The whole thing kind of feels like a Vin Diesel fanfic written by Vin Diesel. The film is endearingly silly and self-aware, but it feels like a parody of a parody and in my opinion goes a bit too far in this direction. Overall, it’s fun if you’re ok with the fact that you’re watching the film equivalent of Vin Diesel furiously masturbating in your face for two hours.
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72. Ghost in the Shell
I’m no weeb, but I’ll occasionally check out an anime, and I liked the original “Ghost in the Shell” for its style, philosophical themes, and because those who made it clearly have the same gun fetish that I do. I also have a major soft spot for moody cyberpunk, and 2017’s GitS reboot felt not-infrequently like the recent “Deus Ex” games, right down to the world design, future-electric soundtrack, and story of a badass cyborg agent trying to uncover the conspiracy which lead them to becoming machine-like while simultaneously trying to grasp how human they still are (the original film was pretty influential on the genre). The main appeal of the film is its often breathtakingly gorgeous depiction of a futuristic cyber-city. As expected, it’s been decidedly westernized (more on that white-washing wish-wash in a bit) and despite being visually interesting, the world lacks the depth of a “Deus Ex” or “Blade Runner”, but the visuals and are enough to carry the film on their own.
The plot is a loose but similar remake of the original 1995 movie. The narrative is a bit clunky, as is the writing which for the most part has characters speaking in overly-expository movie-trailer dialogue. The cast is for the most part alright, save for a bored-to-tears performance by legendary Japanese actor Takeshi Kitano, and a (maybe-appropriately) robotic performance from Scarlett Johansson as The Major. You could argue it suits her here, but while a good comedic and dramatic actress, she always feels dull and emotionless in these action roles, sticking to that trademark scowl of hers for most of the runtime.
But let’s talk about casting ScarJo in a formerly Asian role. I’ll try to avoid spoilers, but I have to mention it because of all the controversy over the film’s “whitewashing” of the Japanese source material. All I’ll say is that the film does have a narrative reason for it, and let’s just say it’s a major motivation for the main character. I’m not saying it’s a great idea to try to rationalize this sort of thing, but it’s an admirably bold move by the writers and even makes sense within the thematic context of corporatization and losing your individuality (as ironic as that is in a watered-down American “Ghost in the Shell” remake). Before I saw it, I had a whole slew of jokes I wanted to make about the film, such as:
- I don't know about whitewashing, but this movie really PALES in comparison to the original.
- This film is so white, it apologizes to its black friend for not casting an Asian in the lead role
- This movie has so many crackers in it, the film stock comes in a tube
- Finally, a movie that openly acknowledges how robotic Scarlett Johansson is.
- Scarlett Johansson is so lacking in yellow, her blood is used as a vaccine for Hepatitis B
But the disappointing thing is that, while dumbed-down and at times slow to a fault, it's actually kind of alright and hating on it feels unwarranted. Lesson is, don't judge a book by its bleached cover.
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71. Railroad Tigers
It’s nice to see Jackie Chan branch out with age and do something other than his usual “nice but supernaturally athletic guy doesn’t want trouble but finds himself in it” films, and “Railroad Tigers” finds him doing an old-school men-on-a-mission type war movie. Set in Japanese-occupied China during WWII, the film is about Chan leading a team of freedom fighters on various resistance missions (the film has a fairly episodic and loose structure for the first half) until the extended final mission where they plan to blow up a strategic bridge using a stolen military train. The tone is uneven (bluntly wavering between slapstick and serious) and the stunts aren’t as breathtaking as many of Chan’s work (though to his credit, the fact that he still does this stuff in his 60s is incredible), but it’s a solidly entertaining film with a good 3rd act and efficient, easy-to-follow action filmmaking to tell its tale of wartime heroism. Plus, Jackie Chan is one of the greatest performers in the history of cinema and he’s always a joy to watch., so even him at 50% speed is better than most action stars could ever hope to be.
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70. The Fate of the Furious
By now, you know whether or not Vin Diesel’s car-driving, fist-punching, gravity-defying, Corona-drinking film series about a group of street racers that over the course of several films have morphed into superspies with muscle cars is for you. If you find yourself in the camp that enjoys this schlock, you should know that, while reasonably fun, this is one of the series’ weaker entries. All the fun stuff in the movie, like the destruction or anything to do with The Rock and Jason Statham, is hampered by an overly-serious and morose story and a running time more bloated than Diesel himself. It’s not too serious (there’s a Hard Boiled homage involving Statham, a baby, and an airplane filled with goons), but its tone resulting from trying to do something dramatic with Vin’s character clashes with all the silly shit you see on screen during the action scenes.
It doesn’t help that F. Gary Gray’s workmanlike but sexless direction kind of lacks the tongue-in-cheek and wild spark that helped make Justin Lin and James Wan’s entries so enjoyable and appealing to more than just the mouth-breathing idiots who are this series’ core fanbase. The action scenes are competent and easy to follow, but just not all that exciting (save for the awesome scene where Statham and The Rock bust out of a maximum-security jail). There’s also some glaring continuity issues, like how the crew is all buddy-buddy with someone who killed their friend (sorry, FAMILY) a film or two ago. The series’ recent transition from heist films into spy capers has hit a bit of a rocky bump, but I’m confident that they can get back on track if they get a better director and go back to a more lighthearted tone, or just make a spin-off with The Rock and Jason Statham.
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69. The Hitman’s Bodyguard
Have you seen a movie (any movie) in the last quarter century? If so, you already know if you’d like “The Hitman’s Bodyguard” or not. Guns are shot. Things explode. Ryan Reynolds is snarky. Samuel L. Jackson says “motherfucker” a lot. This film is way too long, it leaves absolutely no buddy-action clichĂ© stone unturned, and I’ve never seen Gary Oldman so lethargic in a role (it’s like if his character from “Air Force One” sat most of the time and didn’t emote much). The action scenes are good. Between this and “The Expendables 3”, Patrick Hughes is developing a reputation as an action director who is better than the material he’s stuck with. The best part was a cameo by Richard E. Grant as not-Withnail, having replaced booze with cocaine. I enjoyed it, I guess, but this is probably the most whatever film of 2017.
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68. Spider-Man: Homecoming
This film isn’t bad; just disappointing. It’s not the fact that “Spider-Man: Homecoming” isn’t as good as Raimi’s trilogy (it’s not). In fact, I admire it for not trying to out-do Raimi and instead offering a different take on the hero (*cough*Amazing Spider-Man*cough*). The problem is that everything this film does right is offset by that constant need to tie it into the greater Marvel Cinematic Universe. It’s representative of the film as a whole that Peter Parker is a Tony Stark-obsessed fanboy whose entire motivation is to get senpai to notice him, because the film feels like the MCU’s little brother who is too busy trying to please the fans with throwaway quips, a long running-time, and REFERENCES rather than doing its own thing. It doesn’t help that director Jon Watts is nowhere near the filmmaker he needs to be to make something this big. The action scenes are boringly-shot and often lack stakes (the only one in the film that works is *surprise* the only one where Peter’s friends are in danger and it’s up to him to save them).
I like Tom Holland as Spider-Man, and I like the film’s portrayal of Peter Parker as a likable nerd who is not just a loser outcast (which makes bully Flash Thompson’s presence especially annoying and pointless). I like the relationships between the characters, like Peter and his fat comic-relief best friend/confidante. Even the seemingly throwaway romance with the popular girl is sweet because she and Peter actually like each other after bonding on their Academic Decathalon team. Michael Keaton deserves an award for playing the first decent villain in the entire MCU, a determined and semi-believable guy who just steals to provide for his family (thankfully there’s no saving-the-world bullshit here). But what does it say about the film that when Peter is given a choice between stopping the bad guy and saving Stark’s precious tech or having a nice homecoming dance with his love interest, I was practically jumping out of my seat yelling for him to leave the superhero shit alone? I’d like to see a “Harry Potter” structure to these films where each film is a year in his school life with the focus on comedy and teen melodrama with all the Avenger’s stuff kept to an absolute minimum, but I’d also like a world where Disney isn’t slowly monopolizing the summer blockbuster.
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67. Gifted
“Gifted” tells the story of a guy who is raising his young niece after her mom dies, and due to his niece’s savant-like mathematic intelligence, he comes to a conflict with his estranged mother over whether she should have a “normal” childhood or enter rigorous math studies at an early age to make use of her potential (sorry for the run-on sentences, here and everywhere). It’s a fairly predictable family drama with hardly anything out of the ordinary, but the strong performances (particularly Chris Evans, who I’ve always said will do just fine outside of any superhero blockbusters, and Mckenna Grace as the brilliant young girl), and the sweet down-to-earth tone of the movie make it quite charming and watchable. Dad-fetishists of the world will have found their new daddy in Chris Evans here. And however schmaltzy it may be at times, it’s at least better than Marc Webb’s last two movies (*cough*Amazing Spider-Man*cough*).
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66. Security
After some recommendations (and boredom from the later months of the year when nothing good was coming out), I decided just for kicks that I would check out some direct-to-video action movies starring Antonio Banderas. I’ve always liked Banderas, and while it’s kind of a shame he’s not doing more mainstream movies, he seems to have found a surprising niche in these schlockbusters. “Security” is about a war veteran working out some psychological issues and takes a job working the night shift at a local mall as a security guard. Through some wild circumstances, a young girl who witnessed a gangland execution and is set to testify against a mobster (Academy Award-winner Ben Kingsley) winds up fleeing to this mall, and Banderas and his motley crew of security guards are her only shot at survival against a heavily armed squad of mercenaries.
I admit, I was actually un-ironically into the set-up of the film. Everything up to the start of the siege is surprisingly gripping. The siege itself starts out alright, but kind of loses steam once it’s clear that the mercenaries, who for the most part can’t even take out some unarmed mall cops, are so most retarded and incompetent that it’s surprising they don’t currently work in the White House (easy joke, I know). Pretty much any time one of the good guys die, it’s because they also make a stupid mistake, or as in one disappointing case just get shot randomly and anticlimactically, and die shortly after. It doesn’t help that the mall itself is kinda small and shitty and doesn’t make for a compelling locale.
However, Banderas himself is quite the badass, utilizing his craftiness and combat skills to turn the tables on the baddies that makes for a fun low-budget “Die Hard meets Home Alone”, and he adds enough gravitas and believability to the role that it really makes you wonder why, again, this guy isn’t doing more mainstream work (that is, until you see him pulling rad tricks on a vehicle that looks like a snowmobile with wheels; then you’re glad you’re seeing him in this). Plus, the ending that reveals a certain character surviving after seemingly dying earlier is a nice grace note. It’s hardly original, but well-made and engaging enough, especially considering the low bar for these DTV action flicks. It’s the dark, gritty “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” reboot you never knew you wanted.
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65. Acts of Vengeance
Speaking of DTV action flicks with Antonio Banderas, this one is somewhat better! This one is about a slick defense attorney whose beautiful wife and daughter get murdered one evening, and after a period of self-punishment that involves getting drunk and letting cage-fighters beat the shit out of him, decides to hone his body into a weapon and takes a vow of silence until his family’s death is avenged.
The film has a surprising melancholy tone and not even a lot of action, focusing more on our hero’s internal drama, and his humanizing bond with a nurse he meets during the course of the investigation. What action there is, is well choreographed and nicely brutal (director Isaac Florentine clearly knowing a thing or two about MMA combat) especially the sweet final fight. The film is held back by the main character’s pretty frequent narration, whereas actually having him be silent once he takes his vow would have been more effective in conveying his choice. The ugly locales in the film sort of help with the gritty story, but it’s pretty obvious they filmed this in Bulgaria for cost reasons. Also, without spoiling anything, the revelation of why the murderer killed his family is hands-down the most mind-numbingly dumb fucking twist I’ve seen in any movie this year, but it’s not enough to ruin the movie, surprisingly, and it at least sets up that awesome fight I mentioned earlier. Honestly, if this is what direct-to-video action movies look like these days, then mainstream filmmakers could learn a thing or two about maximizing your budget dollar from them.
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64. The Shape of Water
This review includes semi-spoilers, just as a heads-up.
Guillermo Del Toro is an anomaly for me. I’ve always been a champion of auteur-driven mainstream films and directors having creative control over their movies over studios, and here’s this guy who puts so much passion and creativity and visual flair into his movies that they always feel personal, and yet
so many of them just don’t connect with me. For all his technical wizardry and imagination, there’s almost always been something lacking in the drama department.
Take “The Shape of Water”, the critically and popularly beloved romance between a mute Sally Hawkins and a mysterious fish-man (who looks like a cross between Abe Sapien and The Creature from the Black Lagoon) that’s locked up in the 1960’s government facility where she cleans. I understand the concept of the romance, as she’s lonely and finally finds a being that she connects to, but I just never really felt it, y’know? Maybe it’s because the actual development between them in the first half of the movie feels rushed; it’s done pretty much as a montage mostly consisting of her feeding it eggs the way a curious child might give food to an animal at a zoo and listening to some music together, but we’re supposed to believe that she cares so much for it that she decides to risk her life to free it from captivity? Maybe I could suspend some disbelief if Del Toro actually gave the creature some character and personality beyond “it’s sentient and hates being in captivity and likes eggs and Sally Hawkins”. When their romance develops further (culminating in a pretty silly sex-scene in a flooded bathroom), it just feels laughably underdeveloped, but the film just treats it like it’s the sweetest and most swoon-worthy display of love. Despite being such a technical wizard, as a story-teller Del Toro feels on par with a horny high-schooler that sketches a lot in his notebook.
It doesn’t help that the pacing is sluggish, mainly due to so much time being wasted on subplots that never really go anywhere. The whole subplot of a facility scientist turning out to be a commie agent doesn’t really have a point, as he could just be a regular scientist who has a change of heart and tries to help the escape. Richard Jenkins plays Hawkins’ gay neighbor/confidante, and there’s a whole story of him trying to make a move on the cute guy who works at a diner, only to be rejected by the guy, who turns out to be a homophobe and a racist. This acknowledgement of the era’s open bigotry feels forced, and even out of place in a fantastical story that feels isolated from the rest of the world. I know the film itself is pretty much a metaphor for forbidden romance, and progressivism and love triumphing over hate, but it feels hackneyed in execution.
I feel like if the majority of the movie was set within the facility and the relationship between Hawkins and the creature was given more time to breathe, the film would be greatly improved. It might also be easier to take seriously if Michael Shannon’s villain wasn’t so cartoonishly evil, but then again, no one plays that kind of role better than Shannon and he’s easily the most entertaining part of the film (is it edgy of me to say that part of me was rooting for him by the end?). Octavia Spencer seems to have monopolized the sassy black friend role in Hollywood, and she does it very well, but it’s all kind of been-there-done-that as far as her performance goes. Sally Hawkins plays the mute girl convincingly and with emotional gusto, but her character just doesn’t engage as much as one would hope.
Look, I’ll mention the technical aspects. The cinematography is gorgeous, the lighting and set design are breathtaking and always captivate even when the story fails to do so, the music by Alexandre Desplat is very lovely, the acting (while not blowing me away) is quite good, and there’s enough of Del Toro’s sincere passion and creativity to fill several movies. However, as a story, it just couldn’t hook me. It’s a movie I admire tremendously but like only mildly. Del Toro’s storytelling reach almost always exceeds its grasp. His best (and in my opinion, only good) movies like “Hellboy” or “Blade II” work because they never pretend to be anything greater than the fun and well-designed pulp they are, and in a way feel more genuine and affecting because they don’t have some misguided grand ambition of being ART. To put it another way, Guillermo Del Toro’s signature weirdness in “The Shape of Water” feels almost
I don’t know, calculated? Like he’s intentionally trying to play up to the audience’s expectations of him or even (I shudder to think) to win awards. If you don’t believe me, Sally Hawkins’ character (who is an Old Hollywood film aficionado) imagines later in the film that she and the fish-man are performing a grand, elaborate musical dance sequence.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this film has over a dozen Oscar nominations.
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63. Alien: Covenant
Has any franchise suffered more from diminishing returns than the “Alien” series? After two fantastic films, the franchise since then has ranged from “alright” to “Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem”. Even Ridley Scott’s return to the series with “Prometheus” and 2017’s “Alien: Covenant” has come with more of a thud than a graceful landing. While Covenant falls squarely into the “alright” category, I honestly think it’s time to put this series to bed. If you want to go into this film blind, all you need to know is that the film includes “alien vision” and a scene where Michael Fassbender kisses Michael Fassbender.
I’ll start with the good stuff. I appreciated that the movie takes a while to get going, since the initial 45 minutes of atmosphere and buildup is what Scott does perfectly, and it’s the best part of the movie. And this film is beautiful. Even in his late 70’s, Ridley Scott can still shoot the hell out of a movie. You get not one but two great performances by Fassbender. Lastly, no matter how stupid the film got, I was never bored watching it.
There’s a sort of disconnect between the audience and the characters, because while the characters’ frequently-stupid behavior is somewhat understandable as they’re just normal people panicking due to being in a situation they never could have imagined, anyone who has ever seen an “Alien” movie (or any horror-movie, for that matter) is bound to be frustrated by how predictable much of the movie is. Even the “twist” at the end is something you can see coming a mile (or roughly 30 minutes) away. Honestly, it’d have been more of a twist if it had a more traditional, non-sequel-baiting ending.
It’s also frustrating how avoidable all the bad things that happen to the crew could be. What is ostensibly the scariest scene in the movie, where two crew members struggle to contain a contamination in the med-bay of a dropship, is hurt by the stupid and illogical behavior that the characters display, as well as some ridiculous unintentional slapstick. I guess it’s good that Katherine Waterston’s Daniels, (the latest in the long line of strong female-but-not-overtly-feminine “Alien” protagonists), is the hero, since she’s pretty much the only human character who behaves fairly rationally during the course of the movie. The actors are solid, but most feel wasted since all but 3-4 of the characters are obvious redshirts who may as well have clocks above their heads telling you how much longer they have left to live.
While the original “Alien” had a good deal of visual-poetry and symbolism, this one just has a character monologue-ing about his philosophical beliefs, ham-fistedly quoting “Ozymandias” while gazing into the distance. It’s pretty representative of the “Alien” series as a whole, because the smarter one of these films tries to be, the more retarded it comes across. Disappointingly, even the xenomorph stuff kind of feels like an afterthought. Without spoiling too much, they feel more like a secondary threat to the film’s actual villain, a tick on the checklist to make sure they can still put the word “Alien” in the title.
If you watch this movie for the “lore” (and who still is, at this point?), you’re bound to be disappointed. However, if you just want an entertaining (both intentional and otherwise) sci-fi horror film with gorgeous visuals and a double-dosage of Michael Fassbender, “Alien: Covenant” does the job. Bonus points for Danny McBride, who is scientifically proven to improve everything he’s in.
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62. The Void
A tribute to Carpenter and Cronenberg’s 80’s horror, “The Void” is a minor miracle of how talented filmmakers can make the most out of their low budget to produce a very creepy and dread-filled horror film. The plot centers around a group of people trapped in a ruined and almost-closed hospital as a group of hooded figures prevent them from escaping, while inside something more supernatural and cosmic is happening. The atmosphere is truly something to behold, thanks to solid set-design, lighting, and some incredibly impressive and horrifying creature design. The first half of the film where it’s unclear why the scary stuff is happening and these people are trying to work together to survive and figure it out is exceptionally effective. The acting is passable, but really nothing to write home about, and the plot and pacing feel a bit iffy, with the last 30 minutes feeling very expository and speech-heavy, yet at the same time unclear about what is causing the horror in the hospital. I get that most good horror is better left not explained too much, but here it’s like the last stretch of the film feels simultaneously under-explained and over-explained, if that makes sense, and it kind of lost me by the end. But seriously, goddamn if this isn’t an effective and incredibly atmospheric low-budget horror flick with some truly next level make-up and practical special effects. Recommended for fans of HP Lovecraft, slow-burn horror, and really convoluted metaphors for parenthood (I think?).
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61. Ferdinand
Oh, shut up, “Ferdinand” is a decent kids movie. Sure, it’s overlong, it has too many annoying side characters, and the humor is rather hit-and-miss, but it’s also sweet, has a nice message about pacifism and humane treatment of animals, and terrific voice work by John Cena in the lead role. The climax in the bullfighting arena is surprisingly well-done, as it’s almost entirely dialogue-free and relies solely on the strength of visual storytelling to get the job done. I like how Ferdinand doesn’t really undergo any changes in the film, because the movie and the audience knows how good and pure he is and how compromise would ruin the film’s message. John Cena is truly a treasure.
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60. Lady Bloodfight
This movie so thoroughly rips off Jean-Claude Van Damme’s “Bloodsport” that it’d be more fair to call this film an estrogen-themed remake of it. However, unlike “Bloodsport” (whose campy, over-the-top charm made up for a lot of its flaws), “Lady Bloodfight” takes itself a bit too seriously, often feeling like an anonymous indie director’s attempt to make a martial arts flick. The action direction in particular leaves something to be desired; there’s too much editing and hard-to-follow close-ups during the fights, which negates the genuine and apparent fighting talent that the ladies display, which is especially disappointing when considering that director Chris Nahon made the kick-ass and underrated “Kiss of the Dragon”. You get a basic understanding of the mechanics of the fights and the story weight behind them, but the action itself often lacks the impact you’d expect from a film called “Lady Bloodfight”. Plus, whoever decided that roughly 20-25% of each fight should be cutaways to excited Asian businessmen spectators should be kicked in the balls with work-boots.
I may have spent almost an entire paragraph shitting on this film, but I did enjoy it overall. The acting is stilted from pretty much everyone involved, but I found it kind of charming. The plot may be as stupid and unnecessary as in any of those old fighting-tournament films, but at least there’s a solid attempt to give us a connection with our heroine. And speaking of our heroine, stuntwoman and star Amy Johnston absolutely kills it, and if there is any justice, she will become a huge star in the near future, hopefully finding a movie worthy of her talent. If we could like, get Gareth Evans to make a star vehicle for Johnston, all will be right with the world.
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59. Murder on the Orient Express
I’ve always been a fan of murder mysteries, so it’s weird that I’ve never actually seen the 1974 “Murder on the Orient Express” adaptation by Sidney Lumet, and I saw this as a good way to introduce myself to a classic story, fully aware that there are probably better tellings of it. That’s pretty much how I feel about the film as a whole. It’s got a fantastic cast all around (even recent pariah/punchline Johnny Depp turns in a solid performance), the music, set design, sound design and overall technical quality of the film is splendid, and the story moves along at a nice clip. This, along with the general strength of the mystery, is what keeps the movie watchable and entertaining, but one can’t quite shake the feeling that this is a pretty tame and middle-of-the-road mystery film. Kenneth Branagh is a fine director, but he kind of lacks a unique storytelling voice, and this kind of story (which has been adapted countless times) is practically begging for someone to put their own distinct spin on it. Imagine this kind of story as told with the visual flair and idiosyncrasies of someone like Guy Ritchie (who would probably make Poirot a smartass, cockney-accented street brawler, but still). And while I like Branagh as Poirot, it feels like he kind of misses the point of the character; Poirot being less of a flashy Sherlock Holmes-y, god-like detective who is always the center of attention (as exemplified by that absurd and distracting mustache) and being more of an astute and patient observer who carefully waits for clues and motives to be revealed to him.
While I have some problems with the film, it’s still an enjoyable Dad-core film and I hope that with a new director and a slightly altered version of the character we get to see more Agatha Christie adaptations (the end not-so-subtly sets up “Death on the Nile”). And above all, no film with Willem Dafoe in it can possibly be bad.
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58. Wheelman
Frank Grillo plays a DRIVEn getaway DRIVEr who intentionally botches a bank robbery when he receives a mysterious phone call warning him about his associates. For the rest of the evening, he DRIVEs around the city, making phone calls to various associates (a la “Locke”) trying to figure out what’s going on. The majority of the film takes place inside his car, and along with Grillo’s convincing performance has a satisfying amount of technical polish and suspense that helps make the B-movie plot and frankly obscene amount of swearing in this film watchable and entertaining. It never really kicks into overDRIVE, but it’s fast and gritty enough to never become DRIVEl (that’s an L), either. It kind of reminds me of some Ryan Gosling movie from several years back, but the name escapes me.
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57. The Big Sick
Loosely based on the romance between Parkistani-American comedian Kumail Nanjiani (who also writes and stars as himself) and his wife (and co-writer of the film’s script) Emily V. Gordon, “The Big Sick” is like a more streamlined and sweeter version of Judd Apatow’s “Funny People”. It still has some of that movie’s problems, like being about 20% too long and not being all that funny* (come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie about comedy that made me laugh, in which there’s a sort of poetic irony), but it honestly works better as a drama with the occasional chuckle. The film explores the culture clash that arises in their relationship due to Nanjiani’s traditional parents who want him to marry a nice Pakistani girl, along with Kumail meeting Emily’s parents (the wonderful pairing of Holly Hunter and Ray Romano) who visit when Emily suffers a mysterious illness. The film is certainly charming and well-acted, but it kind of dissipates in the memory not long after seeing it. I admire taking a low-key approach to the drama and focusing more on the quirky character interactions, but the film isn’t as affecting as one might hope. It’s also disappointing that the film sets up the culture clash aspect so much but never actually has Kumail and Emily’s respective parents meet. The film is different enough from your typical rom-com to warrant a mild recommendation, but this is fairly standard indie fair made notable only through its real-life inspiration and the charming cast (seriously, can I get adopted by Ray Romano and Holly Hunter?).
*the film isn’t frequently funny, but it does have an all-time great 9/11 joke.
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56. The Disaster Artist
I saw “The Room” in preparation for this, and holy hell, do you guys overrate the hell out of it. Other than some funny lines and Tommy Wiseau’s weird performance, the film is much more boring than “so-bad-it’s-good”. Between the endlessly repetitive dialogue about the same subject and the dull production (which doesn’t even have any charming ineptitude to it), the film was like being caught in the world’s longest and dullest fever dream. It baffles me that there is a whole subset of our culture dedicated to celebrating this film, quoting the same silly lines to the point of making them completely unfunny and circlejerking as if it’s some cool secret club they share.
It’s this subculture that unfortunately the filmmakers and writers of “The Disaster Artist” unfortunately belong to, because they clearly love “The Room” too much to show its troubled production or enigmatic asshole central figure as anything more than a quirky comedy-drama. Greg Sestero’s book is much more brutally honest and unafraid to criticize Wiseau, but it’s obvious the writers of the film treated the book as more of a Greatest Hits collection of funny anecdotes than an actual depiction of the creative process when a lunatic is in charge. It half-assedly tries to humanize and understand Tommy, but the man is essentially unknowable so it seems futile to even try.
It’s this treatment of the subject matter that makes “The Disaster Artist” little more than an enjoyable disappointment. James Franco gives legit one of the year’s best performances as Wiseau, going beyond mere imitation and genuinely embodying him, but as a director he feels ill-suited to the material. I wish someone who wasn’t a fan of “The Room” directed this instead, but whatever, we take what we are given. The film we do have is entertaining, moves along at a steady pace and doesn’t bore, boasts a great soundtrack, and (when taken as its own thing) is a decent story of two “friends” who try to make it together in Hollywood. If you don’t know anything about “The Room” or are a huge fan of it, you’ll enjoy it a lot. If you’re like me where you know a fair bit about “The Room” and don’t like it, just watch “Ed Wood” instead.
Extra points off for casting Dave Franco, who is the acting equivalent of a dry vagina, as Greg Sestero.
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55. The Foreigner
This is like 60% political thriller with Pierce Brosnan as an Irish politician with a shady past attempting to figure out if any of his past/present associates are responsible for a recent terrorist attack in London, and 40% Jackie Chan revenge thriller with Chan playing the father of a terror victim who also has a shady past and puts his special set of skills to investigate the attack himself. Both are fairly well-done (especially the Chan one), but they kind of feel like two separate movies that are loosely tied together. The film’s story is compelling enough but gets fairly convoluted by the end, with there being so many double and triple-crosses that I honestly lost count. But the film has two strong performances by Brosnan and Chan, both playing against type, and it’s engaging enough to get you to the finish line. The film is worth watching for Martin Campbell’s directing (he made “Goldeneye” and “Casino Royale”), whose easy-to-follow shooting style goes well with Chan’s acrobatics, resulting in fast, smooth, and nicely brutal fights. Any reservations you have during this movie go out the window when Jackie Chan kills the shit out of a dude by smashing a TV on his head.
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54. Call Me By Your Name
Every year, there’s always a movie or two (usually nominated for Best Picture) that everyone gets all up in arms about how “incredible” and “groundbreaking” and “transcendent” it is, whereas I watch it and my opinion ranges from “meh” to “decent”. 2014 had “Dallas Buyers Club”, 2015 had “Room”, and 2016 has “Swiss Army Man”. Since “The Shape of Water” was this year’s “meh”, then Italian director Luca Guadagnino’s gay coming-of-age (coming of gay-ge? No? OK) romance is this year’s “decent”.
The film reminds me a lot of Guadagnino’s previous film “A Bigger Splash”, in how sumptuously shot and intimate it feels. It not only presents a gorgeous European summer countryside but also films the characters in a very warm and sensual way. He really knows how to create an atmosphere and make it feel both engrossing and effortless, and it’s reason enough that I’m very much looking forward to his “Suspiria” remake.
I don’t really have anything valuable to say about this film as a piece of queer cinema, but I do like how it for the most part avoids the typical Oscar bait-y “gay forbidden romance” aspect. After all, I’m straight and I would let Armie Hammer smother me with his chest. The two characters are unambiguously bisexual, and even have female lovers at points in the film. It kind of bugs me how all the female characters are treated as afterthoughts, but maybe that’s the point. Whatever.
My main problem with the movie is that while I understand what the film is trying to do, it just didn’t really connect with me on an emotional level outside of a few moments in the second half (like the last conversation between protagonist Elio and his father). The first half is very reserved and more about subtle gestures as the two main characters try to communicate their attraction for each other, while the second half is more about upfront passion and heartbreak over their fleeting time together. It’s this initial reserved attitude that makes the first half kind of listless and boring, where we mostly just follow very privileged white people doing rich-people shit in beautiful settings. I’ve always (jokingly) said that European cinema for the most part is either a Luc Besson-produced action thriller or a movie about gay people making out and discussing art, and it was funny to me how much this film fit the latter.
It also doesn’t help that I honestly found TimothĂ©e Chalamet’s angsty twink and Armie Hammer’s cocky chad both pretty unlikable. I wondered at times if people would have the same praise for this film if it was about a heterosexual couple, but maybe I’m missing the point. 
“Call Me By Your Name” is a beautifully-shot and very well-acted film whose staying power will rest mostly on whether or not you find yourself emotionally connected to the story, because if you’re not, you’ll mostly just find yourself admiring the mise en scùne and occasionally checking your watch. It’s certainly not bad, but as every year, it’s one of those films that everyone praises but the edgy contrarian in me feels very little for. And while I heard some people praise the infamous peach scene (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, just repeat the phrase “peaches and cream” until you understand), I just can’t help but feel disgust at how it was probably just left for one of the housekeepers to clean up.
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53. Geostorm
Gerard Butler really is a treasure. The beefy Scottish actor who looks like he constantly smells like whiskey and cigarettes is so bizarre and menacing in almost all of his performances that he frequently feels like a cartoon character that was dropped into an otherwise normal film. It’s his odd and charming brand of terrifying charisma that can make just about any movie watchable. I mean, who would otherwise look forward to a disaster movie about hijacked weather-controlling satellites and directorial-debut of Roland Emmerich’s producing partner Dean Devlin? If you love Butler like I do, he’s reason enough to see this movie.
I could talk about any other aspect of this movie, but you already know pretty much everything you need to know about it so I’ll just make a few noteworthy points. The special effects are serviceable, but not in any point spectacular. The movie and actors surrounding Butler are surprisingly decent; the story keeps you engaged, as the film is more of a thriller about preventing the titular “geostorm” than just an endless series of disaster set-pieces, and the other actors are charming enough to make their thin characters likable. On the flip side, you kind of wish the disaster bits were better; only the Hong Kong gasline explosion and lightning-storm finale are any fun. This film was made for a fairly “modest” $120 million, and you get the feeling if it was $200 million this thing would be as balls-out as it wants to be. I wish there was more ridiculous product placement, too.
Look, I won’t bother defending “Geostorm” to the uninitiated. The explanation behind the weather-controlling satellite system is so retarded that it makes “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs” seem rational and plausible. However, you either want to see a dumb disaster-thriller with some second-rate “protect the President” plot going on Earthside while Gerard Butler beats up a terrorist/twink with his giant ham-hands in space, or you don’t (in which case you’re not my friend).
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52. Girls Trip
This reminds me a lot of “Bridesmaids”, in that it’s a raunchy, female-ensemble-driven comedy whose main weaknesses are its predictability and its length, but it also has its own fantastic breakout performance (Tiffany Haddish is pure gold and gave me every laugh I had during the movie) and I prefer it over “Bridesmaids” for having more positive messages about black female friendship and less of Paul Feig’s cringe-y improv “comedy” bullshit. Haddish’s “grapefruiting” demonstration is worth the price of admission alone.
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51. Kong: Skull Island
Of all the ideas floating around for Cinematic Universes, making one about Legendary Entertainment’s MonsterVerse admittedly tickles my fancy the most. This is partly due to my affection for old giant monster movies, but mainly due to Gareth Edwards’ 2014 Godzilla reboot, which was awesome and in retrospect serves as an excellent introduction to the series. Now the second film, “Kong: Skull Island” has come and it’s
pretty good. Kong is back and bigger (literally) than ever, but anyone expecting something as grand, emotional, and majestic as Peter Jacksons “King Kong” will be disappointed. This is like the schlocky B-movie counterpart to Jackson’s epic, but I don’t mean that in a bad way.
The film’s set-up is good; after a terrific opening scene where an American and Japanese fighter pilot crash land on a mysterious island and discover something terrifying as they’re trying to kill each other. 30 years later, a group of scientists and soldiers lead a government expedition to the recently-discovered Skull Island. Before long, man’s hubris is exposed, the expedition gets its shit thoroughly wrecked by Kong and other native creatures, and the survivors band together to try and escape the island alive. The best thing I’ll say about the film is that it’s very fast-paced and fun; the runtime just flies by and the film hardly ever overstays its welcome. In terms of imagery, the film seems like a parody/pastiche of every Vietnam War movie imaginable, with constant imagery meant to evoke that bitter, destructive conflict but done in an almost nostalgic, stylized manner. Take out Kong and the other monsters, and this feels like a Vietnam War movie that was made by someone who learned everything they know about the war by watching other Vietnam War movies (at least director Jordan Vogt-Roberts had enough restraint not to use “Fortunate Son” in the soundtrack). It’s not necessarily bad, just weird. Even then, while the imagery is cool and the film is often very pretty, it lacks the awe-inspiring spectacle and masterful buildup of “Godzilla”.
Pretty much all the characters except for John C. Reilly (who is a national treasure and the best part of the movie) and Samuel L. Jackson are two-dimensional, but there’s better acting and more humor than “Godzilla”. There’s also a wonderful scene that plays during the credits that shows what happens to a certain character after the movie ends, and it feels like a better ending to the movie than any monster roaring or any post-credit cinematic universe teaser. The MonsterVerse stuff itself isn’t too distracting, which is more than you can say about “The Mummy” or either of the big superhero franchises. It’s fun and worth checking out, overall. Pretty much my biggest complaint about this movie is they didn’t call it “Viet Kong”.
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50. The Lego Batman Movie
If you were okay with the ADHD-on-HGH style of frantic humor and action of “The Lego Movie”, then this Batman-themes spin-off is a worthy follow up to that colorful clusterfuck (I mean that in a good way). The film does away with its predecessor’s more meta and 4th-wall-breaking elements (you know what I mean if you saw the original) and focuses more on being a character study of Batman coming to terms with his own insecurities and desperate desire to be loved. Meanwhile, the Joker (who is jealous of not being Batman’s main villain) devises a plan to destroy Gotham by recruiting villains from many popular franchises to spite Batman like a scorned lover. The film isn’t hilarious, but it’s consistently chuckle-worthy, and it’s kind of nice to see a Batman movie that’s actually about Batman for a change. Your mileage on this may vary depending how much you like its manic, random, and reference-heavy humor, but the sheer anything-goes creativity of this franchise does make it feel unique and charming, even if it’s as massively corporatized as anything else out there.
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49. The Lost City of Z
A grand, gorgeously shot, and solemn adventure film from “The Immigrant” director James Gray, “The Lost City of Z” feels like a contemplative throwback to those 20th century exploration films. The film is about early 1900’s British officer/explorer Percy Fawcett and his journeys into the Amazon seeking the mythical lost city of Z, culminating in the 1925 voyage in which he mysteriously disappeared to never be heard from again. The film is more interesting in its storytelling than its actual story, exploring (ha) themes of colonialism and classism in an understated but meaningful manner, whereas the story itself is (I should warn) slowwwwwww. I personally wasn’t bored by it, but I can definitely understand someone finding it dull or sleep-inducing. Worth watching if you want a thinking-man’s adventure film, but the film can be a lot like its leading man Charlie Hunnam; pretty, but numbingly lacking in emotion.
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48. War for the Planet of the Apes
I think we can all agree at this point that the “Planet of the Apes” prequel trilogy has far surpassed any initial expectations for it. Having said that, “War”, the 3rd and final installment, is kind of the weakest of the three. If you were expecting a grand, epic war movie between humans and those damned, dirty apes (y’know, like the title would lead you to believe), you should know that this is a smaller and slower film than that, and the second half is basically a WWII prisoners-of-war film. The dialogue is still pretty clichĂ©d, as are the human villains who may as well be Nazi stand-ins for how they hate the apes and worship their commander like a god. The pacing is iffy in the first half, a lot of character decisions are eye-rollingly stupid, and without spoiling anything, the film has plot holes you can drive a truck through. It’s still quite engaging, mainly due to the apes’ mo-cap actors (especially trilogy star Andy Serkis) and how gorgeously shot and well-made the film is, not to mention how incredible and believable the CGI for the apes is. The POW stuff is even pretty fun once the apes begin to escape from the prison, and the ending feels like a nice send-off for this trilogy while setting up the original 1968 movie.
Alternate title: The Great Esc-ape
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47. T2 Trainspotting
For you “Trainspotting” fans lamenting the fact that your favorite movie about Scottish heroin-addicts has contracted the sequel plague, rest assured that while not as engaging, T2 is definitely the good kind of sequel. Danny Boyle re-assembles the old cast and brings his unique visual style to make some pointed remarks on aging, past consequences affecting your present, losing your place in the world, and nostalgia, even to the point of seemingly shitting on people who just to relive/rehash their beloved classics (*cough*Disney*cough*). As can be expected, it’s also a sadder and slower film, though certainly not without its own vibrant sense of energy that’s reminiscent of the prior film. It drags at times, which might also be intentional as symbolic of these characters just spinning their wheels, but does make the experience a bit of a chore. Still, the cast is great, the filmmaking is strong, and the story hits you pretty hard at times. If “Trainspotting” was the party of a lifetime, then T2 is the sobering realization/headache the morning after that makes you rethink your life.
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46. Good Time
Robert Pattinson plays a low-rent New York criminal named Connie who along with his developmentally disabled brother robs a bank. In the ensuing escape, he gets away while his brother gets arrested. The ensuing misadventure follows Connie over the course of a really long night as he tries to bust his brother out of jail while continually digging himself into a deeper and deeper whole that he might not be able to get out of. Imagine your worst anxiety attack, multiply it exponentially, and you have “Good Time”. The filmmaking by the Safdie Brothers is top-notch, showing one of the world’s most famous cities as a neon-drenched fever dream, and combined with the pulse-pounding synthesizer music, it achieves a pace and energy that rarely falters. R-Pats is seriously on another level, giving a full-blooded portrayal of the city’s most desperate man, while not shying away from his scumminess and parasitic survival instinct. He alone is reason to watch the film. My main problem with the film is that it tended to lose impact as went goes on, piling one cruel action on top of one contrived situation on top of another, and I kind of got numb to it after a while. The film does rebounds nicely with its final shocking moment and melancholy denouement, and it’s probably something most people watching wouldn’t mind, but I felt it worth mentioning.
If after seeing this you’re still not sold on Robert Pattinson as an actor, then have fun back in 2008 with the rest of your stupid opinions.
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45. Mom and Dad
Brian Taylor (of Neveldine/Taylor. makers of “Crank”, fame) helms this film about a mysterious signal that causes all the parents in a sleepy suburban town to become murderously homicidal towards their children. Playing the dad who goes kill-crazy is Nicolas Cage, and the fact that one of the “Crank” guys made a movie where crazy Nic Cage and wife Selma Blair try to murder their kids should be all the selling points you need. The film is fast, wild, intense, darkly comic, very unsubtle about its themes, and wayyyyyyyyy over-the-top. It’s a very fun ride, especially if you’re intoxicated and watching this with friends. However, I can’t help but wish that this film had a higher budget, since most of the action takes place in one upper-middle class home, and it’d be cool to see more of the town hysteria (or at least in a larger house). The film can be obnoxiously edgy, but it doesn’t feel out of place considering the talent involved. Worth seeing solely to see Nicolas Cage at his most unhinged, including an incredible and hilarious scene involving a pool table and “The Hokey Pokey”.
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44. Mayhem
In an expository voiceover/montage, we learn that there is a “Red Eye” virus that infects people and removes all their inhibitions and moral reasoning, often causing them to lash out in violence. It’s kind of like a zombie virus except the people are still sentient and alive. An outbreak of this virus happens at a big legal firm where our everyman hero Derek (played by Steven Yuen of “Walking Dead” fame) has just gotten canned, and the building is sealed off and put under quarantine for the next 8 hours until the government can pump the cure into the ventilation. Since people infected by the virus are not liable for any crimes they commit while infected, Derek teams up with a screwed-over and pissed-off client (Samara Weaving) to move up to the top floor and kill his cartoonishly evil boss.
“Mayhem” is a good example of how talent and creativity can help make up for a relatively low budget. The camerawork and stylish direction from Joe Lynch help make up for a bland color palette (I know it’s set in that type of soulless office building, but still, a bit of color would have helped the movie stand out more, visually). The cast is solid as well; Samara Weaving in particular has this fun, devilish twinkle in her eyes that makes her a perfect fit for this film’s exaggerated comic book-y world. Her and Steven Yuen do good work here and have a nice, fun chemistry with each other.
I would have liked a few more fights with the normal office drones, instead of just the corporate overlords and their goons, but the action scenes are still bloody good fun. The satire about corporations and office politics is as on-the-nose as you’d expect, but it does add a fairly satisfying level of depth to the story. If you’ve ever wanted to brutally murder your douchebag boss with various office/construction supplies, “Mayhem” is the movie for you.
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43. Atomic Blonde
A female “John Wick” crossed with a John le CarrĂ© Cold War spy-thriller, “Atomic Blonde” is a film that makes up for its dull plot/characters and uneven pacing with style, action, and lesbianism to spare. Charlize Theron plays an MI6 agent sent to East Berlin shortly before the collapse of the Berlin Wall to retrieve some MacGuffin that is vital to both Soviet and Allied intelligence agencies. Over the course of the film, she and the characters she encounters go through so many double-crosses, triple-crosses, and shady backroom conversations that it’s hard to keep track (it doesn’t help that it stops being interesting after a while). There’s also a clash between the film’s punky style/attitude and the espionage-heavy plot and Soviet aesthetics of East Berlin. It’s an interesting idea but it just doesn’t work, the film never quite finding a comfortable groove in terms of tone. However, the film is still quite entertaining overall. “John Wick” co-director David Leitch displays a fun sense of style and boy-oh-boy, does he make some balls-to-the-wall action sequences (the stairway fight is every bit as good as you’ve heard and then some). Charlize Theron is great in both her embodiment of an ice-cold badass spy and in her physicality during the action scenes, and her sex scene with Sofia Boutella is reason alone for me to recommend the film. If you want a quick overview of the film’s quality, it’s great whenever no one is talking.
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42. Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Another year, another Star Wars movie. If Disney honestly thinks they can milk the franchise as hard as they’re doing right now and not see any diminishing returns
well, they’re probably right
for a while anyway. I won’t bore you with another rant about Disney’s filmmaking strategy because that horse has been beaten to death almost as hard as the Star Wars franchise itself, and I’m not gonna bother recounting the plot or backstory because either you’ve already seen this or you have no interest in doing so, so I’ll just review the damn film.
“Star Wars: The Last Jedi” is pretty good, overall. Definitely better and infinitely more interesting than the masturbatory nostalgia-fest that was “The Force Awakens”, though arguably more flawed as well. Whereas Episode VII was fast-paced and had a solid story structure (which it borrowed pretty liberally from “A New Hope”, but whatever), “The Last Jedi” is a great 90-minute film stuck inside a 150-minute film. Almost everything to do with the Resistance in this movie is a dud. I don’t give a shit about Finn and newcomer Rose going to a casino planet to recruit a hacker, and I don’t care about the power struggle between Poe and Admiral Laura Dern aboard the rebel cruiser.
You could cut most of the Resistance stuff and it’d be a much better movie, although the film does have one terrific moment early on in which a gunner in a bombing ship sacrifices her life to destroy a First Order dreadnought. This kind of thing really establishes a sense of consequence in what I thought was going to be another weightless Disney spectacle. The grim situation the resistance faces, where their numbers are steadily draining throughout the course of the film, really lends some much-needed tension and stakes to the plot, which helps carry the film through its aforementioned boring parts.
What isn’t boring is the actual Jedi plot, with anything involving Rey, Kylo Ren, and Luke Skywalker being very engaging and visually interesting. Rey is still pretty much the dull, goody-two-shoes hero we saw in the last film (and if you were hoping for some cool backstory of hers to be revealed, whoooo boy, will you be disappointed with this film), but it’s nice that we get some hints of her being tempted by the Dark Side and her now-complicated relationship with Kylo Ren. Adam Driver’s turn as Ren has been one of the best parts of the sequels thus far, creating a powerful but insecure villain with plenty of character depth, like how Anakin was supposed to be in the prequels before he got Lucas’d. Mark Hamill’s return as Luke is the best part of the movie, a gruff, bitter old man whose youthful hope and optimism has been gradually whittled away from decades of disappointment and failure. His performance really reminds you of how good of an actor Hamill can be when he’s not typecasted like he has been for most of his career. His last scene in the movie is one of the most beautiful and emotionally resonant moments of this entire saga.
It’s nice to see Disney and director Rian Johnson take some risks with this film, at least. Making the bold move to change so much of what fans expected from this series (like the stuff with Rey and Snoke that was hinted at in Episode VII), even to the possible point of alienation, is admirable from an artistic standpoint. You could cut about 30-45 minutes of the rebel stuff out of this movie and it’d be the best Star Wars movie, in my opinion. “The Last Jedi”, despite all its flaws, is enough to get me somewhat excited for Star Wars’ future (or at least it would be if JJ Abrams wasn’t directing Episode IX).
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41. Roman J. Israel, Esq.
Hot on the tracks of his sizzling debut feature “Nightcrawler”, Dan Gilroy returns with another portrait of a driven weirdo working in L.A.
Denzel Washington plays the eponymous character, a driven idealistic lawyer whose life and career get thrown into turmoil when his longtime law partner (and public face of their two-man firm) gets a massive heart attack. Although brilliant and savant-like in his knowledge of the law, Roman has bad people skills, as reflected in his courtroom appearances covering for his partner. And although he is an dedicated civil rights lawyer, his newfound exposure to the outside world tests both his resolve and his conscience, as the world he has fought so hard so improve does not share his view of justice.
This is both a thoughtful (if not wholly original) rumination on morality and making an impact in the world, as well as a fascinating character study about a flawed, complex man. The film kind of goes through the usual motions of a “crisis of conscience” story, but with a nice reversal in that it’s less about someone realizing their morality should not be compromised but more about how someone can reconcile themselves when their morality is compromised. This is all buoyed by Gilroy’s strong dialogue and a Denzel Washington that’s better than he’s been in a long time (and he’s great in everything, so that’s saying something), so even though the film isn’t as fast or electrifying as “Nightcrawler”, it also proves that Gilroy is a strong, compelling filmmaker to keep your eye on.
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40. Okja
A tale of a young Korean girl whose beloved pet superpig Okja (which looks like a cross between a dog and a hippo) gets taken away from her to be a mascot for a new meat product, is a film of two halves. The first half, showing her idyllic life in her quiet mountain home and culminating with a extended chase sequence in which she tries to rescue Okja, is terrific, funny, heartwarming, and fantastically crafted by “Snowpiercer” director Bong Joon-ho. The second half, in which she travels to the United States with an animal-rights group to rescue Okja from the company that created her, is (while still engaging) a tonally jarring mix of heavy-handed criticism of the meat industry and very obvious satire of the friendly marketing face that big corporations put on to distract the public from their shady business practices. The film is saved by its craftsmanship and sincerity of its message, along with its committed ensemble cast, especially Ahn Seo-hyun as the young girl, which begs the question; do all Korean child actors get sent to elite acting academies at a pre-school age? Because despite being 12 at the time of filming, this girl acts circles around the likes of Jake Gyllenhaal, Paul Dano and TWO (2) Tilda Swintons.
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39. Mindhorn
Julian Barratt plays Richard Thorncroft, a washed up British actor who starred in an 80’s TV show named Mindhorn about a secret agent with a bionic eye (a parody of shows like “The Six Million Dollar Man” and “MacGyver”) who returns to his old filming location on The Isle of Man when a murder-suspect (a delusional Mindhorn fan) says he’ll only speak to his beloved TV character. Getting a chance to both revisit his famous role, Thorncroft dons his old Mindhorn costume and drags out the investigation as long as he can so he can be in the limelight again. As far as British comedies showing washed-up minor celebrities getting caught up in a major crime go, “Mindhorn” isn’t as good as “Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa”, but it’s still an irreverent and frequently hilarious send-up of 80’s action-TV with top-notch work by Barratt, and it even comes with a great Hasselhoff-esque pop ballad.
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38. Princess Cyd
Probably the most obscure film in this list, “Princess Cyd” is about a high school girl who spends a few weeks over the summer at her novelist aunt’s house in Chicago, as they bond and challenge each other while Cyd becomes close with a local lesbian barista. This is one of those mainly plotless endeavors, more about the characters and their interactions than any overarching story. I was very pleasantly surprised by just how lovely this film is. It’s like a coming-of-age drama minus the drama. It’s very warm and likable and there’s very little in the way of conflict, like being smothered by a really comfy blanket while you sleep. In fact, the few times conflict/tragedy does rear its ugly head, it almost seems to detract from the rest of the film. Maybe it wouldn’t bug you, but the sad stuff did feel a tad out-of-place for me. Still, the film is so gorgeously shot and charming and insightful and non-judgmental that it’s easy to forgive its foibles and lack of structure and enjoy yourself. Imagine “Call Me By Your Name” but mercifully shorter and much less stuck up its own ass.
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37. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
There isn’t a single moment of Luc Besson’s extravagant, gorgeous $200 million space opera that doesn’t feel like Besson is having the time of his life, and for the most apart, his fun is contagious. This adaptation of the French comic “Valerian and Laureline” is about two secret agents who must uncover the mystery that’s threatening the peace aboard Alpha, a gigantic space station home to species from a thousand different homeworlds. The set-up is great, beginning with a wonderful opening credit sequence set to “Space Oddity”, followed by a beautiful but tragic depiction of what happened to a peaceful beach-dwelling alien race, and then with a terrific chase scene that takes place across two dimensions. This film has more ideas and imagination packed into its first hour than the last two decades of sci-fi cinema combined (with the exception of Besson’s “The Fifth Element”, still the best thing he’s ever done), and is a refreshingly weird and even auteur-istic antidote to the staleness of most modern blockbusters.
The problem is that in the 2nd half, the film pretty badly runs out of steam, barely limping to its conclusion in a story that ends up feeling like the least interesting one you could possibly tell in this grand universe. The other main problem (and this is a big one) are the two leads. I never cared much for Dane DeHaan before, but he was at least alright in the other films I’ve seen him in. Here, he’s genuinely awful and horrifically miscast. A charisma-vacuum twink that’s doing a bad vocal impression of 90’s Keanu Reeves is not the guy you want to play as a roguish chad who saves the day. Also bad (though not as much) is Cara Delevingne, whose character is as devoid of personality as her voice is devoid of emotion. She’s fine as long as she doesn’t talk (her facial expressions and reactions are decent, and them eyebrows, though), but the problem is that she talks too much and expresses too little. These two are bad individually, and together they have the sexual and romantic chemistry of two bricks glued together. I know its mean to harp on these two so much, but I was really looking forward to this film, and they really dragged it down for me. How can anyone expect these two to carry a film this big when even Rihanna out-acts them? These two skinny androgynous 20-year-olds are laughably unbelievable as a pair of veteran badass agents, and if I were a film camera, I would file a restraining order against Dane DeHaan.
If you can get past the two leads, then the strength of the visuals, the action scenes, the universe, and the sheer oddness of this film will probably be enough to carry you past the slow and dull parts in the second half. With a tighter script, stronger story and much better leading actors, this could have been an all-time great sci-fi adventure, but alas, we must settle for pretty good.
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36. Darkest Hour
The second of three 2017 films involving the evacuation at Dunkirk, “The Darkest Hour” focuses on Winston Churchill’s tumultuous first month as England’s Prime Minster, as he tries to rile up his divided government to gear up for war against Hitler instead of suing for peace/appeasement. It’s kind of a lame joke by now that a Winston Churchill biopic starring Gary Oldman is a kind of Oscar-bait wet dream, and the film is pretty much exactly what you expect it to be. Oldman is of course, fantastic and steadily keeps the film going forward even through its weaker sections (including a somewhat cringeworthy scene taking place on the London subway), and the film is directed and shot well, the combination of the sepia/period look and the playful camerawork working well to complement the film’s theatrical structure. It’s not revolutionary by any means, but it’s a solid historical drama that’s worth watching if you’re into those.
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35. The King’s Choice
And speaking of solid historical WWII dramas about national leaders resisting German tyranny set in 1940, “The King’s Choice” is also pretty good. This one is about Norwegian king Haakon VII, a ceremonial king with no real political power but one beloved by the nation, and after his country is occupied and the government is in shambles, he must make the tough choice of either signing a peace-agreement that lets German troops occupy his country under Quisling’s puppet government, or resisting and potentially causing a bloody war on his soil. I like this slightly more than “Darkest Hour” because the moral choice (peace or war) actually seems tougher to make when one’s country is occupied by the enemy, and this adds a much stronger layer of tension and stakes to the film, especially since I (and let’s face it, you) don’t know much about this story.
In addition to the political stuff, there’s also a few well-done battle sequences and the chase story of the King, his family, and the government constantly on the move to avoid capture by the Germans. Seeing the King and a group of civilians run through a forest to avoid fire from strafing German fighter planes is a scene that both really humanizes the King and hits you with how all-encompassing war can be. There’s also the subplot of the sympathetic German envoy to Norway desperately trying to sign a peace to avoid a war between the two states, a nicely nuanced character who realizes he works for the bad guys and tries to minimize the damage done as best he can. “The King’s Choice” is also not all that original, but a compelling and well-acted tale that’s not well known outside of Scandinavia, and one that might even inspire the Norwegian inside you to shed a patriotic tear or two.
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34. American Made
I confess to this being one of my most anticipated films of 2017. On numerous occasions I’ve professed my love for Tom Cruise, and Doug Liman has always been a top-notch genre film director, so it was exciting to see them team up again to make a biopic about Barry Seal, an American pilot who became a drug-runner involved with both the CIA and the Medellin Cartel. The film itself is kind of disappointing, as it turns this fascinating real-life story into your typical “Goodfellas” rise-and-fall tale that every crime drama since 1990 has tried to be. The film also suffers from a lack of focus. For the most part Liman keeps the story about Seal and his narrow, uncaring viewpoint, but occasionally half-heartedly flirts with some greater intrigue and how much his actions contributed to the narco-trafficking boom of the 80’s and how corrupt the US government is, like the film has some more interesting stories right outside its home, trying to claw their way in. Either make the film about the greater ramifications or barely mention them at all and focus on Seal’s free-wheeling, gleefully unaware mule. The film also looks like crap, the faux-documentary camera-work and frequent cuts to Seal narrating the story in a talking head really not meshing with the big scale and the occasionally stunning aerial footage.
What really holds the film together (almost single-handedly) is Cruise, whose charisma and fun, rogue-ish charm is enough to power through most of the film’s weaknesses. The only drawback to Cruise’s performance is that even during the latter part of the movie where he’s in some pretty deep shit with the cartels and the government, you never quite feel the slippery, desperate survival instinct his character should have in that situation, while Cruise kind of plays it like someone who has accepted his fate and is just trying to postpone it. The film is fast-paced and entertaining, and if you can treat it as a fictional story and ignore much of the real-world impact the film hints at, and the fact that this is another film with “American ________” as the title (something that probably only bugs me), you’ll have a fun time and get to see Cruise actually act instead of just play himself. If you want to see him run, however, you’ll be shocked and disappointed that he only lightly jogs in one scene.
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33. Last Flag Flying
A sort-of sequel to Hal Ashby’s 1973 film “The Last Detail”, Richard Linklater’s latest film is a road movie set in America during the Iraq War about three old Vietnam buddies (Bryan Cranston, Laurence Fishburne, and Steve Carrell) who reunite to bury the recently KIA son of Carrell’s character. I say “sort-of sequel” because while the time progression and general personalities of the characters are about the same (Cranston channeling Jack Nicholson quite well), it retcons certain events and the names are different. You don’t miss a ton by not having seen the original, but it does give you kind of an important frame of reference, and at the same time the stuff that’s different makes it a weird successor. I think that my experience (I saw “The Last Detail” forever ago and only remember the broad story and characters) is the ideal one because I know just enough to follow and just little enough to not be bothered by the retcons.
Anyway, the film is good. The three leads are terrific individually, especially Carrell, but they don’t quite have the chemistry for me to buy that they’re old friends. They’re not bad together, there’s just kind of a disconnect, like they’re all acting out very slightly different scenes simultaneously (if that makes sense). The film would probably work better as a play. Other than that, it’s pretty much what you’d expect from a Richard Linklater film (plenty of long-takes and mostly just conversations and hanging out), but it distinguishes itself by having characters that embody anger, regret, resentment, etc., stuff Linklater usually avoids. The film isn’t exactly anti or pro-war, it’s more of a portrayal of its effects on the people who serve and the dissonance between what they know and what the government feeds them. It’s even quite touching at times because of the abject sadness its characters feel; the last scene might wallop you.
“Last Flag Flying” is worth checking out for the acting and writing, especially if you have a foggy memory of “The Last Detail”. If you haven’t watched it but want to in preparation for this, just get really intoxicated and/or hit your head a few times immediately afterwards.
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32. Ingrid Goes West
Speaking of a movie that forces its typecasted star to act for a change, “Ingrid Goes West” stars Aubrey Plaza in the best role of her career. She plays a mentally unstable young woman who becomes obsessed with a woman she found on Instagram and migrates to LA to try and become part of her life. As sledgehammer-to-the-head obvious as this film’s message about the pitfalls of social media is, the film is at least focused on it and also uses it to create a vivid portrait of someone whose whole life revolves around it. While the film doesn’t shy away from how repellent and awful Plaza’s character can be, it’s also sympathetic to her mindset, since after all, who among us doesn’t use social media as a way to gain acceptance from others?
The comedy here is pitch black and squirm-inducingly uncomfortable, but it works much better as a treatment of its subject matter than a melodramatic, soapbox-y Lifetime movie (anyone else remember “Cyberbully”?). Plaza is genuinely revelatory here, and the rest of the cast is top-notch, especially O’Shea Jackson Jr., who himself surprises in a big way as Plaza’s Batman-obsessed landlord/boyfriend, proving that there’s much more to him than an uncanny impression of his father.
Like I said, the themes are approached pretty bluntly and the film does feel a bit too long. What it has to say on 21st century social media mentality isn’t all that insightful, but it’s an engaging, timely, and well-acted story with one of the funniest sex scenes in recent memory.
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31. A Cure for Wellness
Gore Verbinski combines my fear of drowning, my fear of being trapped in a room where the exits disappear, my fear of tight spaces, my fear of eels, my fear of losing my teeth, my fear of drills, my disgust at incest, my dislike of Dane DeHaan, my love of German accents, my attraction for the waif-like Mia Goth, and my love of mystery into an overlong, kind of stupid, and eventually schlocky psychological horror thriller with drop-dead gorgeous cinematography and production design. Great fun!
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30. Wolf Warrior 2
I don’t even know where to begin with this. This is far and away the most batshit-insane film I’ve seen all year. I saw this out of curiosity because this year it became the highest-grossing movie of all time in China, and after seeing it, I’m genuinely worried. If you think Americans love nationalistic and downright bloodthirsty entertainment, has China got a “Wolf Warrior 2” for you.
I never saw the first film, but from what I understand, it’s about a Chinese special-forces sniper that squares off a mercenary played by Scott Adkins (I really should check it out). This film finds our hero Leng Feng (played by director/writer/producer/ass-kicker Wu Jing) having been discharged from the army and working security in an unnamed African country, where he’s beloved by all the locals. In almost comical suddenness, a civil war breaks out and the evil rebel forces start indiscriminately slaughtering civilians and soldiers alike. “Hail the revolution”, they say, forgetting that there’s not much of a point to a revolution if everyone’s dead by the end of it. This film is committed to desensitizing you to the sight of civilians being killed en masse by these cartoonishly simplistic villains. Just when you start to think “Ok, there’s no way they’re going to show even more innocent bystanders getting brutally killed by gunfire”, the film scoffs at your “good taste”, you giant pussy. The rebels are aided/led by a group of sadistic mercenaries with names like Athena, Bear, and Big Daddy, so that should tell you how much of a tonal disaster this movie is. Anyway, since all the other foreign nations abandon the country, it’s up to Feng and the heroic PLA to save the day. The film moves very fast, which is good since you don’t have much time to think about the plot-holes, which are big enough to drive a Chinese military parade through.
This movie is so wildly, blatantly jingoistic and hilariously melodramatic that it’s definitely a film you’ll either love or hate, depending on if those attributes detract or enhance your experience. What makes the film worth watching is the almost constant, never-ending, absurdly over-the-top action. Wu Jing is like a cross between Jackie Chan and Tom Cruise; the guy is insanely charismatic and you can tell he does his own stunts. It’s refreshing to see something this huge done with practical effects (some awful CGI blood aside) and hard-working stunts.
I personally found it all extremely entertaining, and as long as you can detach yourself from the patriotism, colonialism, patronizing view of Africans, and even mild sexism (it’s a lot, I know). It’s a film so ridiculous and so morally reprehensible that (and I never thought I’d say this) it’s comparable to “Bad Boys II” in guilty-pleasure levels; in fact, the amount of jingoism, obnoxiousness and product-placement here honest-to-God makes Michael Bay look like fucking Yasujirƍ Ozu in comparison. I felt like I needed to shower after seeing this film.
I would kill to see this in a theater full of excited Chinese people. It’s like Cannon Films is alive and well in China. I would never recommend this to anyone with actual taste (especially if you’re from Tibet), but if you want to see straight up propaganda about a guy who can catch a rocket with a bedframe before redirecting it into a nearby car, then grab some friends, get drunk, and prepare for the craziest movie-watching experience you’ll have all year.
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29. Haus of Pain
This documentary from Rooster Teeth Productions follows James Willems, member of the Funhaus gaming channel on YouTube, as he alongside his co-worker Lawrence trains to fulfill a childhood dream of being a professional wrestler. They enroll in an LA-area wrestling school, create their own wrestling alter-egos, and train for less than a week (the usual training time before one’s first match usually takes months) before they square off in a tag-team match against a local team known as “HATE”. I was disappointed that the final match (which was quite impressive considering the prep time) was shot and edited in a documentary/montage way, whereas presenting the match full-length like an actual wrestling show would have made it more fun. Still, it’s a fun journey about a guy I like from a channel I sometimes watch fulfilling his dream, and it’s pretty standard as far as documentaries go (meaning that how much mileage you get out of this depends on your interest in the subject and subject matter). The movie is short and enjoyable, and more importantly fulfills my documentary quota (one) for the year.
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28. Monster Trucks
I know, I know. I’ve probably lost my mind putting this film this high on my list, but damned if this wasn’t one of the most surprisingly fun films I saw in 2017. The story is about a “teenager” who finds a subterranean creature in his garage and finds that it can function as an engine for his truck, and then squares off with the evil oil company that wants to kill the creature to hide the fact that they might be drilling into an ecosystem. I feel slightly dumber having written that plot description, but “Monster Trucks” is a very likably bizarre film. Despite all the ridiculous shit you’ll see, it works because of the film’s balance of sincerity and perfect amount of tongue-in-cheek awareness of its own absurdity.
Pretty much everything that I would normally criticize elsewhere, I ended up liking here. I loved how the two main characters are supposed to be high schoolers, even though Lucas Till and Jane Levy are very obviously in their late 20’s. Seeing a nearly 30-year-old man riding the short bus home from school is an image that nicely encapsulates what kind of film this is.
I love the romance subplot, which mostly consists of Jane “10/10” Levy making passes at Till’s character who is just completely oblivious to it.
I loved how the film had a staunchly anti-corporate message, but is loaded with enough product placement to make Michael Bay blush. Bonus points for also having an environmentalist message while almost every single truck in the film is a gas-guzzling Dodge Ram.
I loved the wanton destruction and shocking amount of attempted murder in what is allegedly a family film.
I loved (?) how Academy-Award nominee Amy Ryan was in the movie for barely a minute and did absolutely jack-shit but still receives almost top-billing.
I loved how Rob Lowe’s (playing the greedy oil CEO) facial expressions pulled off a perfect balance between “bored” and “wanting to die” during all of his scenes.
Even without all the “ironic” stuff, the film is surprisingly top-notch, visually. Camerawork is fluid and clear, the picture is bright and colorful, the creature design is endearing, and the CGI is actually quite good. The film is well-directed in general, especially during the inventive and fun set-pieces/chases. Whether it was ironic or genuine, I enjoyed myself throughout. “Monster Trucks” is an endearingly daft tribute to the “boy meets creature” E.T. knockoffs that flooded VCRs in the 80’s and 90’s, and if you can tune your brain to its certain wavelength (maybe get a bit drunk or hit your head against a wall a few times), you’ll have a great time.
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27. Split
If you had told me a few months before Split came out that M. Night Shyamalan would make a good movie again, I’d have laughed and possibly slapped you, but after seeing “Split”, I’m happy to eat my words. The film feels like a return to form for Shyamalan, utilizing his terrific camerawork, editing and sense of atmosphere to create a somewhat uneven but tense and compelling thriller. James McAvoy plays a young man with 23 split personalities in his head who kidnaps three teenage girls for reasons eventually made clear. The film is definitely a bit schlocky (and thus maybe a bit insensitive to people with mental illness), but it’s nice to see Shyamalan make something that’s fun while still taking itself seriously enough to make it worthwhile.
Anya Taylor-Joy does a really good job as one of the kidnapped girls, but this is McAvoy’s show through and through. His performance is an absolute tour-de-force; if this was a more “serious” (i.e. boring) movie, he would be nominated for the Academy Award for Best Actor. There’s a jaw-dropping scene near the end where he switches between several personalities on the fly which alone makes this one of the best acting performances ever given in a horror/thriller. The film itself gets a bit too talky (especially during the scenes with the psychiatrist) and bogged down with exposition, and the slow-burn might be off-putting to some, but when things get pretty crazy, it feels earned and properly built-up. If you want to see Shyamalan back to doing what he used to do so well and also witness an incredible acting performance by James McAvoy, “Split” is well-worth your time.
If you’re wondering about the trademark Shyamalan “tweest”, it’s here (at the very end), and it’s possibly the most mind-blowing and unexpected one of his career.
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26. Beyond Skyline
This might be the best DTV movie I’ve ever seen. The first film was little more than a plotless showcase for some solid low-budget special effects, but the sequel is not only an actual movie, it’s balls-to-the-wall fun cranked up to 11. Frank Grillo plays a cop who has a strained relationship with his grown son, as they and a few other people find themselves caught up in a mass alien-abduction in LA. They end up on the alien ship, which later ends up crash-landing in Laos, where the survivors team up with a group of drug dealers and outlaws to fight back against the marauding aliens. While the budget is quite modest (only $15 million), it’s mind-blowing how good it looks; I often could not distinguish between practical effects/sets and CGI. The action is clean and brutal, the plot is ridiculous but is also simple and easy to follow, and even the characters/acting are just engaging enough to make you care about the story as more than just some colorful tassels on the bike that is the action and effects. The only real weakness is that the pacing is sluggish in the second half since there’s too much talking and not enough ass-kicking before the sweet climax. But if the awesome plot description isn’t enough to sell you on the movie, two of the people they end up meeting in Laos are Iko Uwais and Yayan Ruhian (of “The Raid” fame), and if THAT isn’t enough, there’s a scene where the two of them and Frank Grillo have a blade fight against a group of aliens; it’s like director Liam O’Donnell read all my fanfics and made a movie about it. There’s even Jackie Chan-esque blooper reel credits. I never thought I’d say this, but I couldn’t be more excited for a 3rd “Skyline” movie.
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25. Colossal
I’ll try to avoid spoiling anything since this is genuinely one of the most surprising and unpredictable movies of 2017. I’ll say that if you don’t mind your premises a bit weird, you should avoid reading any further or seeing any trailers and check it out.
Anna Hathaway plays Gloria, an irresponsible, alcoholic woman who experiences a mental breakdown when her boyfriend breaks up with her and kicks her out of his New York apartment, so she moves back to her hometown to recover and rekindles a friendship with her former classmate (played by Jason Sudeikis). At the same time, a giant monster rampages through Seoul in South Korea, and Gloria gradually discovers there might be a connection between her and this incredible event happening on the other side of the world (the scene where she discovers this is very funny). As you might have guessed from that plot description, the tone can be kind of a mess, and in fact the film pretty awkwardly turns from funny and whimsical to dark and creepy around the halfway point. I understand the purpose, story-wise, but it feels a bit mishandled. It also kind of changes the metaphor of the rampaging monster from being about Gloria’s alcoholism (which doesn’t even seem that bad in the first place) to being about the dangers of toxic masculinity. If you take the film as a purely surface-level story, it’s captivating, but if you think about it from a metaphorical standpoint (which the movie very obviously wants us to) it’s pretty incoherent. If I’m just dumb, feel free to explain it to me.
Despite the jarring tonal shift, the film is both engaging and pretty gripping. Anne Hathaway is in top-form, confidently journeying through her unusual arc with everywoman charm and the soulfulness that communicates her character’s flaws without needing a script to explain it. I don’t like Jason Sudeikis for reasons I cannot explain (as I call it, “The John Cusack Effect”), but I concede that he does a really good job here, his tone of voice and mannerisms perfectly suiting his character and his own gradual change. And while the film preceding it is a bit uneven, holy shit, damned if the ending of “Colossal” isn’t the most incredible “YES, BITCH” moment of 2017.
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24. A Ghost Story
Casey Affleck and Rooney Mara play an ordinary married couple living in a small rural home. One day, he dies in a car crash. After his body is identified by his wife at the morgue, he comes back to their home as a ghost in a sheet. The rest of the film is him experiencing the passage of time, seeing his wife and the world move on without him, as he gradually loses his sense of time and memory. The film is shot in a 4:3 aspect ratio which gives it a very intimate, almost home movie-ish feel. It’s not a movie you should watch with anyone else, as it feels like a very personal and spiritual journey for both its protagonist and the audience. The story is minimalist (other than an obnoxious mid-movie monologue by another character basically stating all the movie’s themes plainly), but is nonetheless a unique, touching, and even occasionally funny meditation on time and loss. Worth it entirely for the 5-minute scene where Rooney Mara stress-eats an entire pie while Casey Affleck in a sheet stands there staring at her.
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23. The Survivalist
In a chillingly simple and effective opening, we learn that sometime in the future, a worldwide oil shortage directly correlates with a vague apocalypse that kills most of humanity. Deep in the woods lives an unnamed man, a survivalist, who has his own small self-sustaining farm, far away from most of the dangers of the world. One day, he finds his relatively peaceful existence upended when two women show up seeking food and refuge. The first 15-20 minutes where we see his daily routines are quite interesting and enjoyable. Once other people enter his life, things get complicated quickly. I won’t spoil the sequence of events, but the film never felt boring or predictable and there is a good amount of backstory revelation and subtle character development. A number of sequences in the film are nail-bitingly tense, wrapped in a handsomely shot and edited film. There isn’t a ton of dialogue, which is good, as this film excels at the show-don’t-tell rule of cinema. It’s slow and grim and not for everyone, but if you want to see a unique twist on the post-apocalypse genre (with a pleasant and generous amount of farming), this is well worth checking out. Also worth seeing if you want to see possibly the worst hair-do in the history of cinema.
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22. The Post
Remember how I said that Gary Oldman in a Winston Churchill biopic was like an Oscar-bait joke? Well, here we got Steven Spielberg directing Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep in a true-story historical drama about female empowerment and the importance of the press while Janusz KamiƄski shoots and John Williams scores. As easy as it is to dismiss this film as something just for old people, we should never take Spielberg for granted; he may have had a misstep or two, but the man is a born filmmaker who has been regularly pumping out good movies for over four decades now. It’s in his steady hand that “The Post”, a story about The Washington Post’s 1971 publishing of The Pentagon Papers, a secret and revealing study of the Vietnam War that implicated the government in continuing a war it knew we couldn’t win, goes from mere simple Oscar-bait to a gripping and timely parable with really strong period detail and performances (especially from Streep). It’s not as compelling as 2015’s “Spotlight”, and Spielberg himself can’t help but be an old cornball at times; the film ends with Streep’s newspaper owner/publisher saying she doesn’t know if she could handle another presidential crisis this big (which would be enough, but then the film cuts to actually showing The Watergate Hotel being broken into). Also, the movie occasionally cuts to a silhouette of Nixon pacing and scheming in his Presidential office like a cartoon supervillain. If you don’t mind stuff like that too much or you just appreciate how strong of a filmmaker Spielberg is, this film is worth checking out (even if you’re not somebody’s grandparent, like most of the people in the theater with me were).
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21. Shot Caller
A gritty, macho prison drama, “Shot Caller” is one of 2018’s best under-the-radar movies. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Jaime Lannister from “Game of Thrones”) plays a happily married well-to-do man who gets sent to prison due to a DUI manslaughter. Since all inmates incarcerated for violent crimes get put in the same block, he gets lumped in with various murderers, rapists, and gang members, and in order to survive he joins a white supremacist gang. The film cuts between the story of him in the prison and him pulling off an important job after his eventual release. While most prison dramas would just focus on the prison stuff, showing a slow and harrowing progression of a normal guy into a hardened thug, I actually like this dual story approach, since it gets to utilize the genre’s tropes while keeping the pace up and not falling into a narrative hole. In the prison, it mainly focuses on the important events that change our protagonist and letting the audience fill in the intervals with their imagination. As a result, we get an efficient and well-told story of how the U.S. prison system can create a bigger criminal out of the one it locks up. Coster-Waldau gives a strong performance, along with solid supporting roles from Jon Bernthal, Lake Bell, and a fun but sadly under-utilized Jeffrey Donovan. It’s still very much a genre movie and isn’t particularly deep, but it’s a compelling and gritty tale that’s told very well. Plus, Coster-Waldau is one of those guys that is so good-looking that it physically hurts me to look at him. It's like staring into the sun...
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20. Get Out
Goddamn, did Jordan Peele blindside everyone with this film. Minor spoilers ahead, so if you want to go in blind and haven’t already seen that fantastic trailer, “Get Out” comes easily recommended.
A black man named Chris visits his white girlfriend’s family for the first time. At first, they seem enthusiastic and accommodating, before we learn something sinister might be going on in their countryside estate. Peele very much wants to make a movie about race, and cleverly uses horror-movie genre conventions to emphasize the discomfort Chris feels at white people’s subtly patronizing behavior and various micro-aggressions (especially during that fantastic garden party scene). I won’t go into a whole analysis of this film’s portrayal of race-relations, but it’s a smart film that has a satisfying level of depth behind the laughs and scares. The actors are all top-notch, the film is very darkly-funny even as it descends into schlocky territory later on, and Peele’s direction is fluid, focused, and always knows just how much to show you and how much to leave to your imagination, something you’d expect from a veteran filmmaker.
What holds this film back for me, besides the somewhat tacked-on subplot of Chris’ comic-relief friend investigating the family, is the third act. Again, trying not to spoil much, but it kind of descends into schlock and kind-of pointless violence. I’m not sure how else they could have ended the movie, so it kind of feels like Peele wrote himself into a bit of a whole. Although, worth noting, the final reveal of the movie (involving a car door) is an incredible grace note that lets the film go out on a high note. “Get Out” is a funny, disturbing, and bold film that marks one hell of an arrival for Jordan Peele as a filmmaker, and it’s nice to see Blumhouse pump out something that isn’t terrible once in a while.
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19. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
This film has most of my usual criticisms of a Marvel movie; forced, quippy humor that’s used too often to break up dramatic tension, a typical end-of-the-world plot, and a mishandled villain being the key offenders. However, this film is definitely a cut above the rest, as it’s funnier, weirder, more colorful, more visually interesting, and much more emotionally resonant than you’d expect. The film was a fun, solid entry in the Marvel-verse, until the last 10 minutes, which features a rather poignant father-and-son moment and a resolution that very nearly brought tears to my eyes. I had no idea Marvel could even make a movie that made me feel something other than mild amusement anymore. I honestly thought I was done with Marvel until I saw this, as it pretty much rejuvenated my interest in the franchise. It’s so good it kind of makes you wish that James Gunn was making the 3rd Avengers movie instead of the Russo Brothers. As with the last film, Dave Bautista proves himself an impressive comic talent, even if he gets less to do. Bonus points for a fantastic soundtrack (Fleetwood Mac!) and Kurt Russell.
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18. Baby Driver
Whatever else I have to say about this film, I first want to mention the editing and how incredible it is. Given the sell-point of the movie (many scenes are shot/edited to a beat of a song), it takes some serious skill just to get something like this done, and the fact that it’s so unique and never stops being fresh is a testament to the incredible talents and dedication both Edgar Wright and his editors Paul Machliss and Jonathan Amos. It’s like the world’s longest and greatest music video.
The plot is nothing special, perhaps purposely so; a young getaway driver falls in love with a waitress and wants out of the criminal life but is coerced into performing one last job. Yawn. What makes the film work other than the unique gimmick and technical talent is a strong cast, notably Jamie Foxx as one of the sleaziest and hateful scumbags I’ve seen in a crime movie in quite a while. The film has a warm and fairly colorful palette, and despite the general predictability of the plot, there are enough unexpected swerves to keep you invested.
My major issue with the film is one of tone. The film is often profane and violent (and not the cartoony violence in Wright’s Cornetto trilogy), and this Tarantino-esque approach kind of clashes with the fun and whimsical premise. It’s never to the point of ruining the film, but it does make some moments really uncomfortable and jarring. The film also has its fair share of plot holes and bizarre character choices (like why Lily James’ waitress is so committed to our protagonist even though they’ve just been dating for a few weeks, or why Kevin Spacey’s mob boss makes his choice at the end of the film). Finally, the climactic action scene is disappointing, like they filmed it because Wright didn’t have an extra several million dollars in the budget for another car chase.
Nonetheless, the film comes easily recommended despite its’ issues, and it’s nice to see Wright make a big hit movie after a career of being mostly a popular cult director. The opening car chase and subsequent coffee run are alone to make “Baby Driver” watching. The whole thing is like if “Drive” was fun instead of autistic.
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17. The Florida Project
I’m one of the few people that didn’t really care for Sean Baker’s acclaimed previous film “Tangerine”, but there’s an undeniable talent to his directing and how his films empathize with people who are often forgotten or ignored by society. With “Tangerine” it was transsexual prostitutes, and with “The Florida Project” it’s poor people living in Florida motels/makeshift tenements close to Disney World in Orlando. The film focuses on a precocious 6-year-old girl who lives in such a building with her unemployed, deadbeat mother, as her and her group of friends go on various adventures during the summer (spitting on cars, spying on topless sunbathers, soliciting ice cream, setting abandoned buildings on fire, etc.) while her mom struggles to pay rent and gets into various troubles, all under the watchful eye of their stern but compassionate building manager (played by Willem Dafoe).
The film does a great job of capturing a childlike sense of fun and wonder, and while the plot is slow, it’s almost always entertaining. As things get darker and more real (in the street sense), Baker’s intelligent framing of the story really hits you home that you’re experiencing this from the perspective of a little girl. And even while he does not shy away from how shitty her mom is, he’s still compassionate and makes her a full-blooded person instead of a caricature. The little girl is fantastic, as is the woman playing her mom who gives the most convincing portrayal of poor, white trash I’ve ever seen in a movie. Willem Dafoe is one of my favorite actors, and here he steals the show with a layered and nuanced performance that ranks up there with the best work he’s ever done. Despite some slowness during the middle stretch of the film, this is a terrifically compelling and original work that’s absolutely going out of your way to see, and it’s rare to see Willem Dafoe in a movie where he doesn’t look like the physical manifestation of evil.
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16. I, Tonya
Director Craig Gillespie has a habit of surpassing my expectations, first with the tender “Lars and the Real Girl” and with the fun-as-hell “Fright Night” remake, so it’s nice to see him continue that streak with 2017’s Tonya Harding biopic. What I like about this film’s approach to her story is that it plays with the subjectivity of it. Multiple times the film cuts away to the characters being interviewed and giving their individual (and often conflicting) accounts of what happened, alluding to how Harding’s own story and individuality was taken from her after the assault on Nancy Kerrigan, as she just became the media’s scapegoat for one of the biggest scandals of the 90’s. In addition to the docu-drama format, the film also has a darkly comic streak running through it. Some might decry this approach, as the film also shows the downright brutal and physical abuse Harding suffered from her husband and her mother, and trying to be funny at the same time might be considered tasteless. However, I think it’s an intelligent approach; this is Tonya’s story through her own words, and she doesn’t want to be pitied as she would be in a typical melodrama biopic. It’s this uniquely powerful approach, along with the fantastic skating scenes and the great cast (especially Margot Robbie, in her career-best performance) that elevates “I, Tonya” above your average biopic and into something truly special.
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15. Thor: Ragnarok
It was based solely on the strength of director and New Zealand treasure Taika Waititi previous films that I was even the slightest bit excited for “Thor: Ragnarok” (let’s not pretend the first two Thor movies are selling points for the MCU). And thus, I’m happy to have been proven right, since this is the best film the Marvelverse has had in a while.
The film still has the overreliance on quippy humor, but a lot of the jokes here actually do land (wow, who would have thought hiring an actual comedy director would make your film funnier?) It still has a fairly generic villain, but at least Cate Blanchett hams it up better than most of the great actors that get wasted in these roles. And sure, it still has the big CGI fight in the 3rd act, but it least Thor feels like an actual badass for the first time in these movies.
The lengthy 2nd act of the film where Thor and Loki are stranded on the garbage/gladiator planet is great, probably the best and funniest stretch of film in the whole MCU, thanks in large part to a delightful Jeff Goldblum who plays the casually hedonistic despot ruling over the planet. It was a smart move moving away from the generic Norse-fantasy stuff and make this film more of a sci-fi comedy.
The film has Jeff Goldblum at his Jeff Goldblum-iest, and Chris Hemsworth finally has short hair, so automatic recommendation from me. Between this and “Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2”, it’s like Marvel has gone full circle and become fun again.
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14. Coco
This is easily Pixar’s best movie since “Up”. That’s not saying much, considering their output lately, but still, don’t let that take away from how wonderful a movie “Coco” is. A young Mexican boy dreams of becoming a musician but is hindered by his family’s long-time ban on music. Through a series of magical events, he winds up in the Land of the Dead, where he goes on a journey to discover the truth behind his family’s history. The film is as visually sumptuous and polished as you’d expect from Pixar, but it also boasts a fun and respectful depiction of Mexican Dia de Los Muertos culture, and is one of the year’s most moving films to boot. I was legit tearing up for almost the entire last 20 minutes, the film dealing with the themes of family, loss, aging, and death with surprising frankness and sensitivity, and if a movie can help kids understand and cope with these things in such a sincere manner then it’s a winner in my book. Also, everything in this film involving Frida Kahlo is hilarious. “Coco” feels more like a return to form for Pixar than anything they’ve made in the past decade (don’t @ me with your “Inside Out” garbage), and finally gets one’s hopes up for the studio once again.
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13. Thelma
Probably the best non-superhero movie about a person with powers since “Unbreakable”, this import from Norway directed by Joachim Trier (distant relative of Danish filmmaker/weirdo Lars Von Trier) is an unnerving and tense psychological thriller about a girl named Thelma, who comes from a deeply religious family, who discovers she might possess supernatural abilities when she goes away to college. As she grows closer to a girl named Anja, her powers act out in stranger and scarier ways. The atmosphere and colors here are very cold, leading to an uneasy feeling for much of the film. Her powers are never really explained, which definitely adds the films creepiness. The core theme of the film feels a bit contradictory; the powers clearly represent a metaphor/reaction to repression and guilt, and while the film seems to be against those things, it simultaneously shows her dangerous powers manifest simultaneously with acts of romance and sexuality, which (at least in my enlightened opinion) aren’t really dangerous things. It works better if you just think of it as a story of a girl maturing and coming to terms with her own sense of self. Even if you just take it at face value, “Thelma” is an engrossing, disturbing, touching, and beautifully filmed film with great acting, a brooding atmosphere, and top-notch lesbianism. Imagine a cross between "Carrie" and "Blue is the Warmest Color" as done by a very understated and humanist director and you'll get a general idea.
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12. Wind River
Don’t let my contempt for “The Snowman” fool you. I’m all about murder mysteries set in snowy settings. “Wind River” follows a rookie FBI agent who teams up with a local hunter to investigate the death of a young woman on the Wind River Indian Reservation in Wyoming. The film does a great job of balancing the mystery along with strong character work and showing a sympathetic depiction for the shitty living and social conditions many Native Americans face. Taylor Sheridan has proven himself a terrific writer with “Sicario” and “Hell or High Water”, and he brings his uncompromising maturity and intelligence to a very dark tale. He also establishes himself as a strong director here in his feature-debut, showing a great sense of atmosphere, pacing, and tension. One thing this film does that I really admire is that it focuses a lot on the victim and what she was like and what others thought of her, while giving minimal characterization to the perpetrator, being the rare work that’s more about the importance of those affected instead of those who commit the crime (*cough*American media*cough*). Be prepared though; the last 20 minutes is probably the most brutal, shocking, heart-wrenching, and edge-of-your-seat stretch of film of 2017, so this film is not for the faint of heart, and most definitely not something you should watch late on a night you plan on having a comfy sleep on.
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11. Wonder Woman
I’m sure I wasn’t alone in being not-particularly-excited for “Wonder Woman”, the latest entry in the DC Extended Universe; after all, I did see the other films in the DCEU. There was the two-and-a-half-hour long trailer “Man of Steel”, the ambitious but notably flawed “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice”, and “Suicide Squad”, a film that if I were forced to choose between seeing again and taking my own life, I would spend far too long considering. With skepticism in hand, I saw “Wonder Woman”, and I cannot remember the last time I was so happy to be so wrong about a film. This isn’t to say that the movie doesn’t have its own fair share of flaws (it does), but in at least one significant area, which is to inspire hope for the DCEU, it works wonders.
After a brief framing-device setup, the movie tells the origin story of Diana, princess of an isolated island of muscular, Amazonian warrior-babes. In a slow-but-alright prologue, she grows from an eager young girl who is sheltered from combat by her Queen mother to a formidable fighter when suddenly, dashing American soldier Steve Trevor crash lands in their waters. From him, she discovers the ongoing conflict of World War I and sets out alongside him to Europe to help save humanity from what she believes to be the machinations of Ares, the wrathful god of war. Writing it now, this sounds like silly, comic book-y stuff (and it is), but it works within the context of the movie, and the plot isn’t really the reason the movie works as well as it does, anyway.
Let’s talk about Gal Gadot. I was among those who were skeptical when Zack Snyder first cast her as Wonder Woman in BvS, despite his usual excellent penchant for casting his films. A model with acting experience that mainly consisted of “Fast & Furious” movies (not exactly acting showcases) being put in the shoes of the most famous female hero in comic book history has a lot to live up to, and while her limited role in BvS was decent, it didn’t exactly set the world on fire. Such is not the case here in her solo film. Finally given a character with outward personality and depth, she is absolutely phenomenal in what is legitimately one of the best portrayals of a comic book character in any movie. Diana is an idealist, a good-hearted and eager young woman (despite being centuries-old) with no small amount of naivetĂ© and innocence but also someone who is also fiercely strong-willed and independent, and Gadot nails every aspect of her character and every bit of her development throughout the course of the movie, as well as being surprisingly funny. Sure, you could argue that there are probably some actresses out there who could offer some better line-deliveries, but in terms of sheer charisma and how she carries herself and how she makes you believe that she is Wonder Woman, I’d say that Snyder’s mostly-superlative casting record continues. By the end of the film, you’ll be convinced that Gal Gadot is a megastar.
The main reason the movie works so well for me is Diana’s relationship with Trevor, played by Chris Pine. A likable, cynical rogue who isn’t too much of a stretch for Pine considering he plays Kirk similarly in the new “Star Trek” films, but a character who is still given enough dimension and gravitas to make him memorable, which the naturally charismatic Pine plays to a tee. Their lack of familiarity with each other’s worlds and their clashes in communication leads to some nice fish-out-of-water humor (see Trevor’s bemusement at the glowing water on the island or Diana’s reaction to her first ice cream), but it’s their chemistry that is the beating heart of this film. The characters’ opposing worldviews supplies the needed character drama, but also helps creates a bond that feels as natural and fresh as any pairing in recent history. Just try watching the boat scene about 30 minutes into the movie without smiling, laughing, or feeling the fireworks these two create. This leads to a bond atypical of most movies, where their deepening relationship is based not on superiority of one over the other, but one of equality and respect, where you actually feel these two grow both individually and together. I might be harping too much on this matter, but this is easily the best romance in any comic book movie (yes, even better than Cap and Bucky). Other film couples have chemistry; these two are cooking Heisenberg-quality meth and making it look effortless.
The rest of the cast is solid, as well. Of note are Steve’s three buddies who tag along with him and Diana on their mission. They initially seem like the typical diverse comic-relief sidekicks, but are surprisingly well-written and are even given their own moments that flesh out and humanize them more than you’d expect in this kind of film (and I’m always happy to see Scotsman Ewen Bremner onscreen). Connie Nielsen and Robin Wright are alright as Diana’s Amazon queen mother and warrior aunt, but they’re only in the opening third of the movie and spend much of it speaking in stilted “Game of Thrones” dialogue. While the actors who play the villains are good, their actual characters are one of the film’s main weaknesses, somewhat lacking in terms of depth and being interesting. We never really understand why Doctor Poison stoops to creating her devastating weapons of war, and [SPOILERS] the “surprise” late-reveal of Ares can be seen coming a mile away. [END SPOILERS] It’s somewhat ballsy to take a historical figure such as German general Erich Ludendorff and make him the cackling bad guy in your movie (with some unusually accurate attention to detail like his view of war and his pagan Norse worship), and while entertaining, he too suffers from a lack of depth and motivation beyond conquering the world (which again should be noted, is not entirely historically inaccurate).
With Patty Jenkins at the helm, this is the first time a woman has directed a major superhero film (not counting Lexi Alexander’s low-budgeted but face-explodingly awesome “Punisher: War Zone”), and she brings a uniquely feminine perspective to Diana’s story, from her upbringing in an all-female society to her learning of the frustrating world of mankind to her loving and compassionate nature. Jenkins has only directed one movie 14 years ago and has only done a handful of TV stuff since then, so her ground as an action director is understandably a bit shaky. The action itself is pretty good, but between the slight over-reliance on Snyder-esque slo-mo and over-editing, you can kind of tell this is Jenkins’ first time doing this sort of thing (not helped by some shockingly crappy CGI). However, she makes up for this by spacing out the action well over the course of the movie, and giving each fight weight, story meaning, and character development for Diana. Along with Rupert Gregson-Williams’ pounding soundtrack, this comes together best in an outstanding mid-movie charge across no man’s land to liberate a Belgian village.
Putting aside the action stuff, Jenkins’ strength lies in the character scenes. The boat scene and others like it feel so natural and well-done because Jenkins knows the importance of slowing a movie down to let us take in the characters and making us care for them. In these scenes, she shows moments of such humanity and personal growth that it really catches you off-guard how moving this film can be. Later in the film, there’s a scene where a character sacrifices themselves and the camera holds on their face for a while, and seeing this person come to terms with their death will both break your heart and take your breath away. Moments like this involve you in a story more than any giant CGI clusterfuck or ironic Marvelquip. Speaking of which, the film itself has a refreshingly good sense of humor, that in deference to modern superhero tradition never feels forced and feels like it’s coming naturally from the characters and their quirks instead of soulless hack writers making pop-culture references.
Despite all that the film does right, it’s not without its flaws. Along with the aforementioned dodgy special effects and the so-so villains, the film also tends to get bogged down in exposition. It has not only the early backstory narration (which at least has context since it’s a story being read to Diana by her mother) and the third-act “villain explains their motivations” monologue, but also fairly frequent occurrences of “newly-introduced character tells us who they are and what the situation is”. It’s still done relatively well, and I prefer it to a movie rushing through just to get to the next studio-mandated action beat, but they could have been more economic with these parts. Also, the third act is a bit of a letdown. Without spoiling much, it disappointingly becomes a huge dumb DBZ fight after the baddie monologue, the kind we’ve all seen dozens of times. Maybe some producer or studio exec is hoping that these types of climaxes will one day go full-circle and become exciting again. Finally, the very last shot of the movie is kind of silly; it has no real purpose and is only there because someone out there mistakenly thought it’d look cool.
Nevertheless, I’m writing this review a few days after seeing it, and I’m honestly still shocked at how much I was thrilled, entertained, and even moved by “Wonder Woman”. It’s just so rare for me to find a movie that actually clicks with me on an emotional level that I can easily recommend it despite its relatively-minor foibles. I’m not convinced the DCEU has its shit together as this film could just as likely be an anomaly but “Wonder Woman” is miraculous solely by giving one the slightest bit of hope that “Justice League” will be good (edit: I have since seen “Justice League” and can confirm WW’s status as an anomaly and JL’s as crap). As long as Gal Gadot and Patty Jenkins make another one of these, I might just become optimistic about superhero films again. You go, girls.
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10. Phantom Thread
It’s easy to joke about Daniel Day-Lewis’ scary history of commitment to method acting, but we shouldn’t take for granted just how goddamn good of an actor he is. In “Phantom Thread”, his final movie before allegedly retiring to become a cobbler (he’s the shoe-in for Best Actor this year), his performance is much more restrained and less showy than something like Daniel Plainview, but the guy is so 100% in-command of the role that you genuinely stop thinking about him as an actor. Paul Thomas Anderson’s latest film is about a brilliant but difficult fashion designer in 1950’s London who meets and falls for a younger waitress, and the film is about the joys and troubles of their relationship as they learn to come to terms with each other’s differences. It’s as beautiful and brilliantly-filmed as you expect from PTA, but also more accessible and straightforward than something like “The Master” and “Inherent Vice”. The film is also less flashy and grand than PTA’s most famous films, but it’s a methodical and carefully woven film with interesting and somewhat disturbing relationship dynamics. People with more motivation than I could probably write entire essays on this film’s depiction of sexuality and relationships; this is probably the kinkiest movie that has no sex scenes.
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9. Brawl in Cell Block 99
S. Craig Zahler, director of 2015’s uniquely brutal under-the-radar Western “Bone Tomahawk” follows up with the similarly slow-paced, rewarding, and ultra-violent film about a descent into hell. Vince Vaughn (in his best performance ever) stars as Bradley, a guy who becomes a drug courier in order to provide for his wife and unborn child, who then gets arrested and is forced to commit brutal acts in prison to protect his family.
The film is extremely (deliberately) slow-paced; the film stretches about an hour of plot into over two hours of film, but it never felt boring to me. Every scene showed something about Bradley, and how despite his freakish strength, he’s a calm, morally-driven man who quietly figures out solutions to whatever situation he’s in. Even the horrifically violent stuff that he does in the second half of the film is more out of necessity than out of bloodlust. The best scene that shows you what kind of guy he is happens early on; he comes home after losing his job and finds out that his wife has been having an affair. After telling her to go inside, he proceeds (with his bare hands) to destroy and dismantle her car, then goes inside to calmly and respectfully talk to her as an equal to try and save his marriage. This is still an ultra-violent meathead prison film, but I don’t know, a film like this that celebrates a guy who beats the shit out of his wife’s car instead of his wife deserves recognition, in my opinion.
For the first time in his career, Vaughn is actually portrayed as the 6’5” hulking monster of a man that he is. His strength and intelligence and willpower is slowly and carefully built up during the film. The first fistfight doesn’t happen until like, an hour in, but when it does, you realize why the movie was taking its time before indulging in the seriously brutal violence. The titular and climactic brawl in Cell Block 99 is awesome, and like “Bone Tomahawk” contains one (or some, depending on how squeamish you are) of the most horrific deaths I’ve ever seen in a movie. Hint: Zahler’s next movie is called “Dragged Across Concrete”.
If you’re not put off by the slowness or the violence, “Brawl in Cell Block 99” is such a fun and bizarre and darkly funny film that it makes for a great movie to watch, especially with your friends. The only real problem I have is that, despite the conclusion having a decent emotional payoff, the last shot of the film cuts to black on a splatter effect, cheapening the effect somewhat. Still, if S. Craig Zahler wants to make an entire career out of “Dude, you’ve got to see this shit” movies, I’m all for it.
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8. I Don’t Feel at Home in this World Anymore
Speaking of fun, weird, darkly comic, and extremely violent

Have you seen Jeremy Saulnier’s excellent “Blue Ruin” or his pretty good “Green Room”? Imagine one of his films but with a sense of humor. Written/directed by Saulnier regular Macon Blair, the film is about Ruth (Melanie Lynskey), a depressed woman who day-in and day-out gets shat on by the rest of the world. One day after getting burgled and having her medication and laptop stolen, Ruth decides enough is enough and enlists her Christian, martial-arts enthusiast neighbor Tony (Elijah Wood, who is just wonderful here) to get some justice, but they both soon find themselves in way over their heads when they get mixed up with a violent group of criminals.
The film is a mix between a buddy mystery comic-thriller and a satire on social norms and behaviors. The satire never feels heavy-handed, and even provides a nice layer of humanity to the film once you cut past its prickly exterior; the main character is just a normal woman who is tired of people being shitty, and isn’t willing to be passive about it anymore. The comedy feels natural due to the strong interplay between Lynskey and Woods. When things do escalate to that Saulnier/Blair level of graphic violence, there’s a fun, darkly comic contrast between these characters and the situation they’ve gotten themselves involved in. Even despite all the messed-up things that happen in this film, there’s a warmth and humor to it that makes it much more enjoyable than Saulnier’s grim works.
Despite the over-long title, “I Don’t Feel at Home in this World Anymore” is a very entertaining and sometimes poignant view on sad people and the world around them. If Netflix can nab more films like these from the festival circuit instead of shelling out big bucks for their own flops, they’d be a worthwhile movie company. This film is worth seeing for Elijah Wood alone, who is the funniest and shuriken-throwingly best he’s ever been.
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7. Logan
Whatever your feelings towards 2016’s “Deadpool” may be, you can’t deny that its massive success has encouraged 20th Century Fox to take some creative risks, especially when it comes to making R-rated superhero films. Enter “Logan”, the purportedly final film in the X-Men franchise to feature Hugh Jackman’s Logan/Wolverine. The film takes place in the not-too-distant future, far enough to not be a direct sequel to any particular film (which is good considering how fucked the timeline is for this franchise) and enough to feel like a finale to the franchise as a whole. No mutants have been born in a quarter century, most of the others are implied to be dead or missing, and Wolverine has aged noticeably as a result of the adamantium in his body slowly poisoning him. He and Caliban (a perfectly-cast Stephen Merchant), a mutant specializing in tracking other mutants, are taking care of an ailing Charles Xavier near the US/Mexico border, when a scientist and a little girl with mutant powers come to him for help escorting them to safety in the northern US.
The film plays out very much like a cross between a road movie and a Neo-Western, and in addition to the character focus and the hard-R rating this feels like the least superhero-ish superhero movie, which is a huge plus in my book. The film never really strays from its expected narrative path (once you see a character watching “Shane” on the TV, the end result feels pretty obvious), but it’s never predictable enough to become a problem, and detours like the part in the farm house are welcome surprises. Only major flaw is that the two main bad guys (an evil scientist and ruthless mercenary) are pretty thinly-written compared to everyone else, although a 3rd villain does show up halfway through who is a genuine surprise and actually fits the story and its themes quite well.
It’s such a stark and emotional story, especially if you’ve been a fan of the previous films like me, that some moments really hit you like a ton of bricks. Even without the prior franchise knowledge, this a maturely told story that just happens to finally have the bloody brutal combat we’ve always wanted from a Wolverine movie. You’d think after the 100th time it’d get boring, seeing those claws go through a dude’s face never gets old. Jackman and Patrick Stewart are both great in their franchise curtain calls; Jackman in particular gives (and has) given the best acting portrayal of any superhero, and this is a fitting send off for the man that helped kickstart the modern superhero trend (but don’t hold it against him).
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6. Logan Lucky
Steven Soderbergh’s return to directing after his 4-year hiatus (during which he created like, two TV shows and even shot/edited “Magic Mike XXL”, which means he’s both bad at vacations and great at filmmaking) could not come at a better time, because “Logan Lucky” is one of the most fun movies of 2017, plain and simple. The plot is about the two blue-collar Logan brothers (Channing Tatum and Adam Driver) who live in an ass-end area of West Virginia where even the locals there would admit to being hicks. After being laid off from his construction job, one of them devises a plan to rob the Charlotte Motor Speedway during the Coca-Cola 600 race, and they enlist the help of their sister (Riley Keough) and incarcerated explosives expert Joe Bang (Daniel Craig, in a performance so good it redeems him for “Spectre”). The ensemble cast is one of the best of the year, the story is fun and well-paced, and the overall tone is just very breezy and pleasant. The heist sequence itself is probably the most entertaining stretch of film of the entire year, and the film even has a nicely life-affirming and touching look on family, like the relationship between the Logan siblings, and Tatum’s daughter. When you see a little girl sing “Take Me Home Country Roads” in a child beauty pageant, you can’t help but be as awestruck and heart-melted as the crowd watching it.
The film would honestly probably be in my top 3 if the ending was tighter. Much of the stuff between the end of the heist and the end of the movie feels drawn out, introducing a really unnecessary character and film-ending stinger that doesn’t really add to the experience. You could cut about 5-10 minutes out of the running time (or at least give more to do for some minor characters like Katherine Waterston’s) and it’d be a noticeably better film, but despite that, this is one of the sweetest, slickest, most entertaining, and genuinely funniest films of 2017, and since you didn’t see it in theaters, you owe it to yourself to check it out.
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5. Dunkirk
The 3rd and best 2017 film about the titular evacuation of Allied troops, Christopher Nolan’s “Dunkirk” finds Nolan at both his grandest filmmaking scale and also his most experimental storytelling since “Memento”.
The plot is simple; there are three linear simultaneous stories of the evacuation at different times that the film cuts between regularly; the story of a group soldiers stranded on the beach starting a week before the evacuation, a story of a civilian sailor, his son, and his son’s friend as they sail from England to France to do their part in evacuating the troops the starts a day before the evacuation, and the story of a British fighter plane squadron sent to protect their comrades from strafing German airplanes that starts one hour before evacuation. I’m not sure if there are any symbolic or intellectual reasons for this structure (and quite frankly, I don’t care), but the effect is that by the time they all converge at the end, it’s like you’re feeling three simultaneous film climaxes, and it’s undeniably effective. And boy, is this film absolutely white-knuckle. Nolan is terrific at building suspense, and coupled with the mind-blowing sound and visuals, the film becomes almost unbearably thrilling at times; if you didn’t see this in theaters (especially IMAX), you’re really missing out.
As mentioned before, the story is very simple. You’re not going to get much in the way of characterization and it’s up to the strong cast to do what emotional heavy-lifting they can. Nolan did this intentionally, and the effect is mainly for the better; while the film feels a bit cold as a result and no one will stick in your mind after seeing the film (except for Tom Hardy and his pretty, expressive eyes), it also strips the film of typical war melodrama and presents the event at its purest and most intense. If anything, it makes those involved more sympathetic in the moment, as the film gives you a real feeling of being there and the fear you feel extends from yourself to the fate of those involved. I’ve heard some people complain about the PG-13 rating and how it takes away from the authenticity, but I never felt the intensity diminished as a result. It just means we get fewer f-bombs and limbs being blown off. Just go watch any other war movie if you want more of that stuff, because for better or worse, “Dunkirk” is unlike any war film I’ve ever seen.
“Memento” and “The Dark Knight” might arguably be better, but in terms of sheer directorial prowess, Nolan’s never been better. Seriously, what other living filmmaker out there would go to the trouble of filming practically filming a fucking dogfight?!
To utterly misquote Winston Churchill: "In a thousand years, people will still say, 'Dunkirk' was Christopher Nolan's finest hour."
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4. Blade Runner 2049
Count me among the people who had middling hopes about the long-in-the-making sequel to Ridley Scott’s “Blade Runner”. I admire the first film and enjoy it for its tremendous aesthetics, atmosphere, and everything to do with Rutger Hauer and his character, but (other than Hauer) storywise the film feels kind of cold and impersonal; I like it overall, but I do not begrudge anyone who fell asleep doing it. At the same time, while I like Denis Villeneuve’s previous films, they too feel somewhat detached and unemotional for my tastes. I’m happy to report that “Blade Runner 2049” not only exceeded my expectations, but I would say is even better than the original film, and one of the best sequels I’ve ever seen.
Ryan Gosling plays K, a replicant (synthetic humans) LAPD detective who is tasked with burying a secret that could cause all-out war between replicants and humans, while at the same time experiencing an existential crisis regarding his own past. There’s also of course a huge conspiracy involved that directly ties with Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford, looking like he gives a shit for the first time in a while) and the events 30 years prior. This is absolutely the good kind of sequel. It doesn’t rehash or force callbacks to the original; it’s not only a direct continuation, but it also uses that film’s foundation to springboard to its own ideas and themes, and tell its own surprisingly involving story. It captures the spirit of the original, but is also different enough to justify its own existence.
The cast is excellent, with Gosling finally finding a way to make one of his autistic, unemotional noir characters interesting and compelling (not that “Drive” or “Only God Forgives” were his fault), and Ford bringing a weary gravitas to his role that makes him more than just the grumpy old man he’s become in real life. Ana de Armas is also noteworthy is K’s holographic wife Joi, a product whose emotions and feelings are real to her, whether or not she’s programmed to feel them (she’s also insanely hot). Jared Leto kinda sucks, and the woman who plays his assistant is a bit over-the-top, but neither are bad enough to detract from the film, and his assistant even goes through an interesting arc through the story.
The film has unbelievably gorgeous Roger Deakins cinematography and art style. Jury’s out on whether it looks as good as the original (still one of the most beautiful films ever made), as part of me does prefer the grimier film-grain photography of the original over Villeneuve’s clean, digital look, but the fact that the two are comparable is a testament to how atmospheric and visually magnificent 2049 is. There’s a scene where a character from the original appears in their original form, and this film does the CGI-recreated face better than any film I’ve ever seen. I actually did a double-take watching this because I couldn’t believe how convincing it looked (which is even plot-appropriate, when you think about it). The music by Hans Zimmer and Benjamin Wallfisch is faithful to Vangelis’ extremely overrated original, meaning it’s just ethereal and droning noise with no really compelling rhythm or memorable themes. Something closer to Michael McCann’s score for the recent Deux Ex games would have been infinitely more interesting, but I know I’m in the minority here.
This story continues to touch upon the originals key themes of corporatization, overpopulation, and what it means to be human, but it doesn’t forget to include its own compelling story and character arcs. There are some plot threads left hanging , but are likely setups for a possible sequel (that, because YOU didn’t see it in theaters, might never get made now). I still cannot believe that they made a nearly 3-hour long, faithfully slow and artful “Blade Runner” sequel 35 years after the original bombed at the box office, and gave them $185 million to do it. This is easily Denis Villeneuve’s best film. “Blade Runner 2049” is a truly surprising and beautiful thing; like tears in snow. Don’t let it be forgotten, or that big-budget blockbusters can be art.
Plus, the film easily has the most unique, erotic, and weird sex scene of the year.
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3. Lady Bird
You know what I don’t like about coming-of-age films? It’s not that the protagonists are kids or teenagers, which usually means dreadful child actors or lifeless early-20-somethings. It’s not that they almost always follow the same formula involving the main characters growing up and learning a life lesson and becoming less interesting while indie music plays. It’s not even the awful dialogue that often results from middle-aged writers trying to write their younger counterparts. Well, it is all those things, but enough about “Boyhood”.
I guess what I don’t like about them is that they almost always feel like the filmmakers are keeping us at a distance from the young protagonists and their story. It feels like adults reflecting on youth rather than a genuine in-the-moment representation of the experience. To put it another way, it feels like they’re making a coming-of-age story, rather than a story that just happens to be about growing up, if that makes sense.
One of the reasons I love Greta Gerwig’s directorial debut “Lady Bird” (among many) is that even though the story isn’t strictly autobiographical, you can feel her genuine love and passion as a filmmaker in every frame and line of dialogue, like she just wanted to tell a good story without looking down on or judging her characters, as well as actually giving emotional and intellectual meaning to their experiences.
Saoirse Ronan stars as the titular Lady Bird (a name she gave herself after finding “Christine” unsatisfactory), a rebel who wants to escape her lower-middle class life and family in Sacramento while finishing her senior year at a Catholic high school. “The Host” notwithstanding, Ronan is one of those actors who seemingly gets better with every film, and she does her best work here in a fully flesh-and-blood performance that, like the film, deftly maneuvers between comedy and pathos while feeling wholly unique from the typical rebellious teenager archetype. The rest of the cast is uniformly excellent, with especially noteworthy roles from Laurie Metcalf and Tracy Letts as Lady Bird’s parents.
Gerwig’s script is easily one of the best this year. It’s rare to find writing that manages to be incredibly heartfelt and touching while still being laugh-out-loud funny. It’s beautifully insightful and smart about both teenagers and adults, and how their differences only serve to complement how alike they can be. As a director, she’s also an absolute natural. In contrast to the bland, handheld indie aesthetic, her camerawork is low-key but controlled, often keeping multiple characters in frame and just letting the actors do their thing, but also utilizing subtle visual cues that change over the course of the movie along with her protagonist. The film uses a warm, nostalgic color palette with a good eye for background detail, using the environments and homes to tell you a good deal about the characters that inhabit them. Despite this being her first job as a film director, it feels crafted by the hands of a veteran who seriously knows what they’re doing. Gerwig is as good at writing/directing as she is at acting, and that's fucking saying something.
I honestly don't have a single major complaint about this movie. Maybe some of the supporting characters don’t feel all that well-developed compared to everyone else (like the edgy, rebellious kid or the stuck-up rich girl), but that’s all I can think of. It's a coming-of-age tale, a genre that I normally don't care for, that I wholeheartedly recommend. This is the best directorial debut in like, forever (sorry, Jordan Peele and Taylor Sheridan). It’s like if “The Edge of Seventeen” was fantastic instead of just OK. See it no matter your demographic, because in its own down-to-earth way, Greta Gerwig’s “Lady Bird” absolutely soars.
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2. John Wick: Chapter 2
“John Wick” was not only one of 2014’s biggest surprises and an excellent return to form for Keanu Reeves, but also marked the arrival of two top-notch action directors in David Leitch and Chad Stahelski. With Letich moving on to “Atomic Blonde” and “Deadpool 2”, Stahelski returned solo to direct the sequel. I’m not going to talk shit about Leitch, but man, does this blow both “Atomic Blonde” and the first film completely out of the water.
Picking up shortly where the first film left off and John Wick completes his vendetta against the Russian mob, he is indebted to some generic Italian dude for helping on a past assignment, and after completing the job to make things even finds himself the target of about every assassin from Rome to New York. The plot is simple, and thus allows plenty of opportunity to build on it with more of the first film’s fascinating world build-ing. The story isn’t as personal as John’s revenge in the first film, and thus kind of lacks the emotional connection you had there, but it more than makes up for it with intrigue, gorgeous visuals, and sheer kinetic thrills.
Aside from the opening scene where John (violently) gets his car back from the Russian mob, the film has three extended, massive action scenes, featuring the best gun-fu choreography ever seen in a film. Keanu continues his cool, subtle and stoic performance from the first film and even more than before is graceful, intense, and an absolute beast during the action scenes, which themselves are crisp, fluid, and insanely satisfying. The finale shootout in the museum is stunningly gorgeous.
Only one thing kind of bugs me about the major shootouts; there’s a bit of an overreliance on a kind of shot that shows John shooting some goon who is offscreen and they fall into view. It shows the hero, the action, but doesn’t really show the reaction of them getting shot. Maybe this is intentional, so as to emphasize the focus on John and that this is just another day at the office for him. While I understand conveying the message that none of these goons are any match for John, I kind wish it’d just have all three elements (hero, action, enemy reaction) on screen together, where you can actually see the threat that John’s disposing of. This is a minor niggle, and it doesn’t happen very often, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Also, while it was fun to see a “Matrix” reunion in the scene between Reeves and Laurence Fishburne, Fishburne himself felt a bit too hammy and out of place in this film’s world.
As it is, “John Wick: Chapter 2” is like porn for me, and I’m only slightly less ashamed of myself after it’s finished. Between the first film’s emotional resonance and the sequel’s sheer style and excitement, the two “John Wick” films have the combined ingredients to form the perfect action film, and I personally cannot be more excited for when “John Wick: Chapter 3” comes out in 2019. It’s about time you’ve accepted Keanu Reeves as your lord and savior.
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1. Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri
For those of you that don’t know, Martin McDonagh’s debut feature-film “In Bruges” is my favorite movie of all time. Well, maybe 2nd (it’s either “In Bruges” or “Die Hard”), but considering how many movies I’ve seen in my life, that’s still saying something. It’s a masterfully written, brilliantly acted, and wonderfully atmospheric dark comedy/crime drama that just gets better every time I see it. I could write an entire essay gushing about it, but I’ll move on.
Taking that into account, it’s with no small amount of excitement that I was awaiting his new feature “Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri”, a film about a frustrated mother of a murdered daughter who goes to war against the town police for failing to identify and catch her daughter’s killer by renting some billboards outside town and advertising their failure. This sets off a gradually escalating conflict between her, the police, and their community. To reveal any more would be to deprive you of an endlessly surprising story filled with fascinating, well-developed characters and McDonagh’s trademark pitch-black, razor-sharp humor, but this isn’t so much a murder mystery as it is an exploration of grief and anger and the corruption and injustice suffered by people on a daily basis.
If you saw McDonagh’s previous film “Seven Psychopaths” and were slightly disappointed that it focused more on being a meta-deconstruction of genre films rather than being its own tight story, rest assured that “Three Billboards” is much closer to the “In Bruges” side of McDonagh’s film scale. While being as funny (or even funnier) than any other film released this year, “Three Billboards” actually feels more like a drama with comedic blood rather than an outright comedy. For every hilarious one-liner, there’s a profoundly touching moment of human emotion that really wallops you with how honest and affecting it is. Even the humor itself often feels more like the characters coping with their suffering than a typical yuck-fest. It’s really surprising, especially in the third act, just how moving this film is. The world is a hard, complicated place, and there are no easy, cathartic resolutions for these characters, try as they might to achieve them.
Frances McDormand plays Mildred Hayes, the aforementioned bereaved mother, a fierce take-no-prisoners woman with a single-minded determination to see justice done and to tear down (verbally or otherwise) anyone in her way. Although she has so many great lines, Mildred is a character whose most powerful moments can come from a simple glare or a weary smile, wordlessly communicating her inner rage and pain. In what I consider to be the best performance of her illustrious career (yes, even better than “Fargo”), McDormand absolutely kills it with this complex character. Her equal (or perhaps better) is Sam Rockwell as a violent, drunken, imbecilic cop whose own failures in life only exacerbate his awful abuses of power. Despite how easy it would be to make him a simple villain, his character undergoes a remarkable and believable arc, with Rockwell nailing both the worst and best of his character. Rockwell starred in “Seven Psychopaths”, “Moon”, “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”, and several other films he should have gotten Oscar nominations for, but with his own career-best performance here, he’s due for a Best Supporting Actor award more than ever. Rounding out the excellent cast is Woody Harrelson as the weary police chief, Caleb Landry Jones as a smartass advertising agent, and Peter Dinklage as “the town midget”, among others.
McDonagh’s writing is second-to-none. I’ve mentioned how dark and angry this film feels, but I want to emphasize again just how fucking funny it can be. Every character has at least one howlingly-good line, and there’s an all-timer monologue where Mildred rebukes a priest trying to get her to stop her campaign against the police. It’s remarkable how McDonagh moves so smoothly from drama to comedy while never once losing his grasp on the tone of the film. He can reliably be counted on for a great script, but McDonagh has also shown remarkable strides as a director in his 3 feature films. He makes great use of the small-town location and framing of characters and their conversations, and even puts together an impressive (and wince inducing) long-take in which one character blindly takes “justice” into their own hands. Aesthetically and atmospherically, the film often feels like the best film the Coen Brothers never made, but still with its own distinctively original voice and style.
As with “In Bruges”, I could go on why I love this film, but honestly, you should see it for yourself. It’s profane, violent, hilarious, touching, heartwarming, heartbreaking, sobering, intelligent, witty, bold, and pretty much every other positive adjective in existence (except “callipygian”, which wouldn’t make sense). This is easily the best movie I’ve seen all year and I will nun-chuck myself in the balls if any movie in 2018 even comes close. This is an all-time great film, destined to be re-watched (by me, anyway) many times over. I literally cannot think of a single flaw; maybe one scene has dodgy animal CGI but that’s being nitpicky even by my standards. When I saw this movie at TIFF, writer/director Martin McDonagh, producer Graham Broadbent, Frances McDormand, and Sam Rockwell were all onstage together at one point to introduce it, and every one of these people deserves an Oscar (not just a nomination, but the actual award) in their respective categories. I still like “In Bruges” slightly more because of how brilliantly structured it is, but make no mistake about it, “Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri” is a profound, insightful, honest, often side-splitting and sometimes even inspiring look at human nature that makes for absolute can’t-miss cinema. I don’t care if it sounds like I’m just shilling for my favorite writer; it really doesn’t get much better than this, folks.
The Golden Michael Awards
The “If Only the Rest of the Movie Was This Good” Award for Best Scene
Nominees:
A Ghost Story – Pie
Atomic Blonde – Apartment building fight
Baby Driver – Coffee run
Blade Runner 2049 – Surrogate sex
Brawl in Cell Block 99 – The brawl in Cell Block 99
Colossal – Seoul finale
Dunkirk – Prologue ambush
Get Out – Garden party
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 - Funeral
John Wick: Chapter 2 – Museum shootout
Logan – Mutant roid rage
Logan Lucky – The heist
Okja – Chasing Okja
Star Wars: The Last Jedi – Throne room fight
The Fate of the Furious – Prison break
Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri – Ending car ride
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets – Opening credits
Wind River - Climax
Wonder Woman – Village liberation
 Runner-Up:
Colossal
 Winner:
Logan Lucky
 The Tinder Award for Best Score
Nominees:
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 – Tyler Bates
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword – Daniel Pemberton
The Lego Batman Movie – Lorne Balfe
The Mummy – Brian Tyler
Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri – Carter Burwell
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets – Alexandre Desplat
 Runner-Up:
The Mummy – Brian Tyler
 Winner:
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword – Daniel Pemberton
 The “Pig in Lipstick” Award for Prettiest Film
Nominees:
A Cure for Wellness
Alien: Covenant
Blade Runner 2049
Call Me by Your Name
Coco
Ghost in the Shell
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
John Wick: Chapter 2
Kong: Skull Island
Murder on the Orient Express
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
The Florida Project
The Shape of Water
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
 Runner-Up:
Blade Runner 2049
 Winner:
A Cure for Wellness
 The “She’s So Hot Right Now” Award for Most Attractive Performance (Female)
Nominees:
Amy Johnston – Lady Bloodfight
Ana de Armas – Blade Runner 2049
Gal Gadot – Wonder Woman
Jane Levy – Monster Trucks
Laura Harrier – Spider-Man: Homecoming
Naomi Scott – Power Rangers
Nina Dobrev - XXX: Return of Xander Cage
Samara Weaving – Mayhem
Saoirse Ronan – Lady Bird
Vicky Krieps – Phantom Thread
 Runner-Up:
Amy Johnston – Lady Bloodfight
 Winner:
Ana de Armas – Blade Runner 2049
 The “He’s So Hot Right Now” Award for Most Attractive Performance (Male)
Nominees:
Adam Driver – Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Armie Hammer – Call Me By Your Name
Channing Tatum – Logan Lucky
Chris Evans - Gifted
Chris Hemsworth – Thor: Ragnarok
Chris Pine – Wonder Woman
Donnie Yen - XXX: Return of Xander Cage
Keanu Reeves – John Wick: Chapter 2
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau ­– Shot Caller
Tom Cruise – American Made
 Runner-Up:
Armie Hammer – Call Me By Your Name
 Winner:
Chris Evans - Gifted
 Best Child Performance
Nominees:
Ahn Seo-hyun – Okja
Brooklynn Prince – The Florida Project
Farrah Mackenzie – Logan Lucky
Mckenna Grace – Gifted
 Winner:
Ahn Seo-hyun – Okja
 The Brahmin Award for Best Cast
Nominees:
Blade Runner 2049
Get Out
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2.
Lady Bird
Logan Lucky
Murder on the Orient Express
Power Rangers
The Big Sick
Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri
 Runner-Up:
Lady Bird
 Winner:
Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri
 The “Where’s My Paycheck?” Award for Least Interested Performance
Nominees:
Ed Harris - Geostorm
Gary Oldman – The Hitman’s Bodyguard
Rob Lowe – Monster Trucks
Takeshi Kitano – Ghost in the Shell
Val Kilmer – The Snowman
 Runner-Up:
Rob Lowe – Monster Trucks
 Winner:
Gary Oldman – The Hitman’s Bodyguard
 The “Convincingly Faked Orgasm” Award for Best Performance
Honorable Mentions:
Andy Serkis – War for the Planet of the Apes
Anne Hathaway – Colossal
Aubrey Plaza – Ingrid Goes West
Bill Nighy – Their Finest
Charlize Theron – Atomic Blonde
Daniel Craig – Logan Lucky
Gerard Butler – Geostorm
Hugh Jackman – Logan
Jeff Goldblum – Thor: Ragnarok
Keanu Reeves – John Wick: Chapter 2
Laurie Metcalf – Lady Bird
Mark Hamill - Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Melanie Lynskey - I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore
Meryl Streep – The Post
Michael Fassbender – Alien: Covenant
Nicolas Cage – Mom and Dad
Tom Cruise – American Made
Woody Harrelson – Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri
 Nominees:
Daniel Day-Lewis – Phantom Thread
Denzel Washington – Roman J. Israel, Esq.
Elijah Wood – I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore
Elizabeth Banks – Power Rangers
Frances McDormand – Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri
Gal Gadot – Wonder Woman
Gary Oldman – Darkest Hour
James Franco – The Disaster Artist
James McAvoy – Split
Margot Robbie – I, Tonya
Robert Pattinson – Good Time
Sam Rockwell - Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri
Saoirse Ronan – Lady Bird
Tiffany Haddish – Girls Trip
Vince Vaughn – Brawl in Cell Block 99
Willem Dafoe – The Florida Project
 Runner-Up:
Frances McDormand – Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri
 Winner:
James McAvoy – Split
 The Hype Train Award for Most Anticipated of 2018
Nominees:
The Predator (dir. Shane Black)
Mission: Impossible – Fallout (dir. Christopher McQuarrie)
Sicario 2: Soldado (dir. Stefano Sollima)
Isle of Dogs (dir. Wes Anderson)
Dragged Across Concrete (dir. S. Craig Zahler)
First Man (dir. Damien Chazelle)
Hold the Dark (dir. Jeremy Saulnier)
The Death of Stalin (dir. Armanda Ianucci)
 Runner-Up:
Mission: Impossible – Fallout
 Winner:
The Predator
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moviemagistrate · 7 years
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“Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri” review
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For those of you that don’t know, Martin McDonagh’s debut feature-film “In Bruges” is my favorite movie of all time. Well, maybe 2nd (it’s either “In Bruges” or “Die Hard”), but considering how many movies I’ve seen in my life, that’s saying something. It’s a masterfully written, brilliantly acted, and wonderfully atmospheric dark comedy/crime drama that just gets better every time I see it. I could write an entire essay gushing about it, but I’ll move on.
Taking that into account, it’s with no small amount of excitement that I was awaiting his new feature “Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri”, a film about a frustrated mother of a murdered daughter who goes to war against the town police for failing to identify and catch her daughter’s killer by renting some billboards outside town and advertising their failure. This sets off a gradually escalating conflict between her, the police, and their community. To reveal any more would be to deprive you of an endlessly surprising story filled with fascinating, well-developed characters and McDonagh’s trademark pitch-black, razor-sharp humor, but this isn’t so much a murder mystery as it is an exploration of grief and anger and the corruption and injustice suffered by people on a daily basis.
If you saw McDonagh’s previous film “Seven Psychopaths” and were slightly disappointed that it focused more on being a meta-deconstruction of genre films rather than being its own tight story, rest assured that “Three Billboards” is much closer to the “In Bruges” side of McDonagh’s film scale. While being as funny (or even funnier) than any other film released this year, “Three Billboards” actually feels more like a drama with comedic blood rather than an outright comedy. For every hilarious one-liner, there’s a profoundly touching moment of human emotion that really wallops you with how honest and affecting it is. Even the humor itself often feels more like the characters coping with their suffering than a typical yuck-fest. It’s really surprising, especially in the third act, just how moving this film is. The world is a hard, complicated place, and there are no easy, cathartic resolutions for these characters, try as they might to achieve them.
Frances McDormand plays Mildred Hayes, the aforementioned bereaved mother, a fierce take-no-prisoners woman with a single-minded determination to see justice done and to tear down (verbally or otherwise) anyone in her way. Although she has so many great lines, Mildred is a character whose most powerful moments can come from a simple glare or a weary smile, wordlessly communicating her inner rage and pain. In what I consider to be the best performance of her illustrious career (yes, even better than “Fargo”), McDormand absolutely kills it with this complex character. Her equal (or perhaps better) is Sam Rockwell as a violent, drunken, imbecilic cop whose own failures in life only exacerbate his awful abuses of power. Despite how easy it would be to make him a simple villain, his character undergoes a remarkable and believable arc, with Rockwell nailing both the worst and best of his character. Rockwell starred in “Seven Psychopaths”, “Moon”, “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”, and several other films he should have gotten Oscar nominations for, but with his own career-best performance here, he’s due for a Best Supporting Actor award more than ever. Rounding out the excellent cast is Woody Harrelson as the weary police chief, Caleb Landry Jones as a smartass advertising agent, and Peter Dinklage as “the town midget”, among others.
McDonagh’s writing is second-to-none. I’ve mentioned how dark and angry this film feels, but I want to emphasize again just how fucking funny it can be. Every character has at least one howlingly-good line, and there’s an all-timer monologue where Mildred rebukes a priest trying to get her to stop her campaign against the police. It’s remarkable how McDonagh moves so smoothly from drama to comedy while never once losing his grasp on the tone of the film. He can reliably be counted on for a great script, but McDonagh has also shown remarkable strides as a director in his 3 feature films. He makes great use of the small-town location and framing of characters and their conversations, and even puts together an impressive (and wince inducing) long-take in which one character blindly takes “justice” into their own hands. Aesthetically and atmospherically, the film often feels like the best film the Coen brothers never made, but still with its own distinctively original voice and style.
As with “In Bruges”, I could go on why I love this film, but honestly, you should see it for yourself. It’s profane, violent, hilarious, touching, heartwarming, heartbreaking, sobering, intelligent, witty, bold, and pretty much every other positive adjective in existence (except “callipygian”, which wouldn’t make sense). This is easily the best movie I’ve seen all year and I will nun-chuck myself in the balls if any other 2017 movie even comes close. This is an all-time great film, destined to be rewatched (by me, anyway) many times over. I literally cannot think of a single flaw; maybe one scene has slightly dodgy animal CGI but that’s being nitpicky even by my standards. When I saw this movie at TIFF, writer/director Martin McDonagh, producer Graham Broadbent, Frances McDormand, and Sam Rockwell were all onstage together at one point to introduce it, and every one of these people deserves an Oscar (not just a nomination, but the actual award) in their respective categories. I still like “In Bruges” slightly more because of how brilliantly structured it is, but make no mistake about it, “Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri” is a profound, insightful, honest, often side-splitting and sometimes even inspiring look at human nature that makes for absolute can’t-miss cinema. I don’t care if it sounds like I’m just shilling for my favorite writer; it really doesn’t get much better than this, folks.
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moviemagistrate · 7 years
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“Lady Bird” review
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You know what I don’t like about coming-of-age films? It’s not that the protagonists are kids or teenagers, which usually means dreadful child actors or lifeless early-20-somethings. It’s not that they almost always follow the same formula involving the main characters growing up and learning a life lesson and becoming less interesting while indie music plays. It’s not even the awful dialogue that often results from middle-aged writers trying to write their younger counterparts. Well, it is all those things, but enough about “Boyhood”.
I guess what I don’t like about them is that they almost always feel like the filmmakers are keeping us at a distance from the young protagonists and their story. It feels like adults reflecting on youth rather than a genuine in-the-moment representation of the experience. To put it another way, it feels like they’re making a coming-of-age story, rather than a story that just happens to be about growing up, if that makes sense.
One of the reasons I love Greta Gerwig’s directorial debut “Lady Bird” (among many) is that even though the story isn’t strictly autobiographical, you can feel her genuine love and passion as a filmmaker in every frame and line of dialogue, like she just wanted to tell a good story without looking down on or judging her characters, as well as actually attempting to give emotional and intellectual meaning to their experiences.
Saoirse Ronan stars as the titular Lady Bird (a name she gave herself after finding “Christine” unsatisfactory), a rebel who wants to escape her lower-middle class life and family in Sacramento while finishing her senior year at a Catholic high school. “The Host” notwithstanding, Ronan is one of those actors who seemingly gets better with every film, and she does her best work here in a fully flesh-and-blood performance that, like the film, deftly maneuvers between comedy and pathos while feeling wholly unique from the typical rebellious teenager archetype. The rest of the cast is uniformly excellent, with especially noteworthy roles from Laurie Metcalf and Tracy Letts as Lady Bird’s parents.
Gerwig’s script is easily one of the best this year. It’s rare to find writing that manages to be incredibly heartfelt and touching while still being laugh-out-loud funny. It’s beautifully insightful and smart about both teenagers and adults, and how their differences only serve to complement how alike they can be. As a director, she’s also an absolute natural. In contrast to the bland, handheld indie aesthetic, her camerawork is low-key but controlled, often keeping multiple characters in frame and just letting the actors do their thing, but also utilizing subtle visual cues that change over the course of the movie along with her protagonist. The film uses a warm, nostalgic color palette with a good eye for background detail, using the environments and homes to tell you a good deal about the characters that inhabit them. Despite this being her first job as a film director, it feels crafted by the hands of a veteran who seriously knows what they’re doing. Gerwig is as good at writing/directing as she is at acting, and that's fucking saying something.
I honestly don't have a single major complaint about this movie. Maybe some of the supporting characters don’t feel all that well-developed compared to everyone else (like the edgy, rebellious kid or the stuck-up rich girl), but that’s all I can think of. It's a coming-of-age tale, a genre that I normally don't care for, that I wholeheartedly recommend. This is the best directorial debut in, like, forever (sorry, Jordan Peele). It’s like if “The Edge of Seventeen” was fantastic instead of just OK. See it when it hits theaters, because in its own down-to-earth way, Greta Gerwig’s “Lady Bird” absolutely soars.
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moviemagistrate · 7 years
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“Wonder Woman” review
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I’m sure I wasn’t alone in being not-particularly-excited for “Wonder Woman”, the latest entry in the DC Extended Universe; after all, I did see the other films in the DCEU. There was the two-and-a-half-hour long trailer “Man of Steel”, the ambitious but notably flawed “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice”, and “Suicide Squad”, a film that if I were forced to choose between seeing again and taking my own life, I would spend far too long considering. With skepticism in hand, I saw “Wonder Woman”, and I cannot remember the last time I was so happy to be so wrong about a film. This isn’t to say that the movie doesn’t have its own fair share of flaws (it does), but in at least one significant area, which is to inspire hope for the DCEU, it works wonders.
After a brief framing-device setup, the movie tells the origin story of Diana, princess of an isolated island of muscular, Amazonian warrior-babes. In a slow-but-alright prologue, she grows from an eager young girl who is sheltered from combat by her Queen mother to a formidable fighter when suddenly, dashing American soldier Steve Trevor crash lands in their waters. From him, she discovers the ongoing conflict of World War I and sets out alongside him to Europe to help save humanity from what she believes to be the machinations of Ares, the wrathful god of war. Writing it now, this sounds like silly, comic book-y stuff (and it is), but it works within the context of the movie, and the plot isn’t really the reason the movie works as well as it does, anyway.
Let’s talk about Gal Gadot. I was among those who were skeptical when Zack Snyder first cast her as Wonder Woman in BvS, despite his usual excellent penchant for casting his films. A model with acting experience that mainly consisted of “Fast & Furious” movies (not exactly acting showcases) being put in the shoes of the most famous female hero in comic book history has a lot to live up to, and while her limited role in BvS was decent, it didn’t exactly set the world on fire. Such is not the case here in her solo film. Finally given a character with outward personality and depth, she is absolutely phenomenal in what is legitimately one of the best portrayals of a comic book character in any movie. Diana is an idealist, a good-hearted and eager young woman (despite being centuries-old) with no small amount of naivetĂ© and innocence but also someone who is also fiercely strong-willed and independent, and Gadot nails every aspect of her character and every bit of her development throughout the course of the movie, as well as being surprisingly funny. Sure, you could argue that there are probably some actresses out there who could offer some better line-deliveries, but in terms of sheer charisma and how she carries herself and how she makes you believe that she is Wonder Woman, I’d say that Snyder’s mostly-superlative casting record continues. By the end of the film you’ll be convinced that Gal Gadot is a fucking megastar.
The main reason the movie works so well for me is Diana’s relationship with Trevor, played by Chris Pine. A likable, cynical rogue who isn’t too much of a stretch for Pine considering he plays Kirk similarly in the new “Star Trek” films, but a character who is still given enough dimension and gravitas to make him memorable, which the naturally charismatic Pine plays to a tee. Their lack of familiarity with each other’s worlds and their clashes in communication leads to some nice fish-out-of-water humor (see Trevor’s bemusement at the glowing water on the island or Diana’s reaction to her first ice cream), but it’s their chemistry that is the beating heart of this film. The characters’ opposing worldviews supplies the needed character drama, but also helps creates a bond that feels as natural and fresh as any pairing in recent history. Just try watching the boat scene about 30 minutes into the movie without smiling, laughing, or feeling the fireworks these two create. This leads to a bond atypical of most movies, where their deepening relationship is based not on superiority of one over the other, but one of equality and respect, where you actually feel these two grow both individually and together. I might be harping too much on this matter, but this is easily the best romance in any comic book movie (yes, even better than Cap and Bucky). Other film couples have chemistry; these two are cooking Heisenberg-quality meth together and making it look effortless.
The rest of the cast is solid, as well. Of note are Steve’s three buddies who tag along with him and Diana on their mission. They initially seem like the typical diverse comic-relief sidekicks, but are surprisingly well-written and are even given their own moments that flesh out and humanize them more than you’d expect in this kind of film (and I’m always happy to see Scotsman Ewen Bremner onscreen). Connie Nielsen and Robin Wright are alright as Diana’s Amazon queen mother and warrior aunt, but they’re only in the opening third of the movie and spend much of it speaking in stilted “Game of Thrones” dialogue. While the actors who play the villains are good, their actual characters are one of the film’s main weaknesses, somewhat lacking in terms of depth and being interesting. We never really understand why Doctor Poison stoops to creating her devastating weapons of war, and [SPOILERS] the “surprise” late-reveal of Ares can be seen coming a mile away. [END SPOILERS] It’s somewhat ballsy to take a historical figure such as German general Erich Ludendorff and make him the cackling bad guy in your movie (with some unusually accurate attention to detail like his view of war and his pagan Norse worship), and while entertaining, he too suffers from a lack of depth and motivation beyond conquering the world (which again should be noted, is not entirely historically inaccurate).
Patty Jenkins is the first time a woman has directed a major superhero film (not counting Lexi Alexander’s low-budgeted but face-explodingly awesome “Punisher: War Zone”), and she brings a uniquely feminine perspective to Diana’s story, from her upbringing in an all-female society to her learning of the frustrating world of mankind to her loving and compassionate nature. Jenkins has only directed one movie 14 years ago and has only done a handful of TV stuff since then, so her ground as an action director is understandably a bit shaky. The action itself is pretty good, but between the slight over-reliance on Snyder-esque slo-mo and over-editing, you can kind of tell this is Jenkins’ first time doing this sort of thing (not helped by some shockingly crappy CGI). However, she makes up for this by spacing out the action well over the course of the movie, and giving each fight weight, story meaning, and character development for Diana. Along with Rupert Gregson-Williams’ pounding soundtrack, this comes together best in an outstanding mid-movie charge across no man’s land to liberate a Belgian village. 
Putting aside the action stuff, Jenkins’ strength lies in the character scenes. The boat scene and others like it feel so natural and well-done because Jenkins knows the importance of slowing a movie down to let us take in the characters and making us care for them. In these scenes, she shows moments of such humanity and personal growth that it really catches you off-guard how moving this film can be. Later in the film, there’s a scene where a character sacrifices themselves and the camera holds on their face for a while, and seeing this person come to terms with their death will both break your heart and take your breath away. Moments like this involve you in a story more than any giant CGI clusterfuck or ironic Marvelquip. Speaking of which, the film itself has a refreshingly good sense of humor, that in deference to modern superhero tradition never feels forced and feels like it’s coming naturally from the characters and their quirks instead of soulless hack writers making pop-culture references.
Despite all that the film does right, it’s not without its flaws. Along with the aforementioned dodgy special effects and the so-so villains, the film also tends to get bogged down in exposition. It has not only the early backstory narration (which at least has context since it’s a story being read to Diana by her mother) and the third-act “villain explains their motivations” monologue, but also fairly frequent occurrences of “newly-introduced character tells us who they are and what the situation is”. It’s still done relatively well, and I prefer it to a movie rushing through just to get to the next studio-mandated action beat, but they could have been more economic with these parts. Also, the third act is a bit of a letdown. Without spoiling much, it disappointingly becomes another huge CG-battle after the baddie monologue, the kind we’ve all seen dozens of times. Maybe some producer or studio exec is hoping that these types of climaxes will one day go full-circle and become exciting again. Finally, the very last shot of the movie is kind of silly; it has no real purpose and is only there because someone out there mistakenly thought it’d look cool.
Nevertheless, I’m writing this review a few days after seeing it, and I’m honestly still shocked at how much I was thrilled, entertained, and even moved by “Wonder Woman”. It’s just so rare for me to find a movie that actually clicks with me on an emotional level that I can easily recommend it despite its relatively-minor foibles. I’m not convinced the DCEU has its shit together as this film could just as likely be an anomaly, but “Wonder Woman” is miraculous solely by giving one the slightest bit of hope that “Justice League” will be good. As long as Gal Gadot and Patty Jenkins make another one of these, I might just become optimistic about this franchise. You go, girls.
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moviemagistrate · 7 years
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2016 Movie Year in Review
All the 2016 movies I saw, ranked from worst to best, with superlatives in the end.
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Notes: 
1. I apologize for some of these reviews being half-assed. I went a bit overboard with this and at a certain point just wanted to be done.
2. Thank you for reading this. Even if you don’t read it all, just pretend that you did and tell me how great I am. I love validation.
3. If you disagree with any of my reviews, please tell me, so I can explain precisely why your taste is shit. I also welcome regular discussion.
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91. Diablo – In what was a recurring theme in 2016, I saw this under-the-radar Western despite its’ shitty reviews. I was never one to let critics influence my own opinion on something, and I figured that Scott (son of Clint) Eastwood’s Western debut with a supporting performance from personal-fave Walton Goggins couldn’t be that bad. Well, if it’s completely forgotten about and accomplishes nothing else (it already has been and it doesn’t), “Diablo” shows that even the majority of people can sometimes be totally, totally right.
This film is about a young Civil War veteran whose sexy wife gets kidnapped and he goes out on a journey to rescue her. Along the way, we start to realize that the motivations in the kidnapping and the rescue aren’t so simple, etc. The premise is decent and it starts out well (with one hell of an entrance for Eastwood’s character) but the longer the movie goes on, the exponentially faster it falls apart.
This is one of the most poorly-made and ineptly-written actual movies I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of like an Ed Wood flick minus the schlocky charm. None of the characters in this movie act or talk like actual human beings. It’d be surreal if it felt intentional. I’ve written better screenplays on toilet paper, and I don’t mean with a pen. The dialogue is awful and often goes nowhere, the direction is confusing, guns are shot with zero recoil (a personal trigger for me, no pun intended), the acting (even from good actors like Goggins and Danny Glover) sucks, the plot twist is retarded and obvious from a minute into the movie, and I’m willing to bet that even the catering for this film wasn’t that great either.
If Scott Eastwood wants a future in Westerns (or movies in general), I would ask/bribe/intimidate everyone who saw this film to sign a non-disclosure agreement, which shouldn’t be hard since so few people saw it. “Diablo” has nice intentions, but intentions will only get you so far when everyone involved in the creative process is so inept at their job that they make Sony/Warner Bros. executives look almost competent. It’s would all be hilarious if it wasn’t so damn dull. It feels a bit mean giving my bottom spot to a tiny, independent movie with almost no release when there’s plenty of studio-produced garbage to choose from (more on that shortly), but trust me, even in a shitty year for film like 2016, “Diablo” deserves it.
Nice cinematography, though.
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90. Suicide Squad – I’m probably going to spoil parts of the movie here. I also probably won’t proofread this review after I finish writing it. I don’t care, honestly, because just thinking about the aptly-named “Suicide Squad” makes me lose the will to live.
I went into this film expecting it to be garbage even before the negative reviews started pouring in. When I heard that Warner Bros. were planning massive reshoots and rewrites to “make the movie more light-hearted”, a million red flags went up for me. It’s one thing to add in a few additional shots or lines, but WB wanted to fundamentally alter the film’s DNA, while still retaining much of the original footage. The result isn’t so much a new film but rather two films horrifically Frankensteined together, not unlike last year’s “Fantastic Four” (how’s that for a comparison?) The first half is atrocious. It’s just a series of introductions to the main cast that all feel like badly-edited music videos. EVERY. GODDMAN. SCENE in the first half of the movie has some really out-of-place popular song that is not only groan-inducing but also doesn’t fit the tone of the scene in most cases. Slipknot doesn’t even get one of these introductions (not that it matters much since he’s killed off about 10 minutes after we first meet him). His intro amounts to another character saying the funniest line of the movie; “That’s Slipknot. He can climb ANYTHING.” Whoa, watch out for this bad motherfucker.
I don’t know how much of this you can blame on the reshoots, but the plot is fundamentally retarded, as well. Putting aside the basic idea that the contingency plan for a rogue god-like superhero is just a small team of criminals with guns and melee weapons, only two of whom have actual powers, the story progression beats are just plain dumb. The main villain is an all-powerful witch that was supposed to be on the squad but escapes because the government was very lenient in looking after her. Upon being rescued, Viola Davis’ government higher-up kills her subordinates because they “didn’t have clearance” or something like that, even though it was literally their job to help her run everything. At one point, the Joker shows up, takes Harley Quinn away from the squad, only to crash and die (but not really), and she just returns a minute later. In wanting to show his trust, the soldier in charge of the Squad smashes his explosion-app phone, and allows them to leave if they want to. In the ONLY genuinely funny moment in the movie, comic relief character Captain Boomerang wordlessly gets up and leaves. In a move I will never forgive Warner Bros. for, he just returns unceremoniously a minute later (there might be a boomerang joke there, but that’s giving the script too much credit). During the climax, the Squad has a fight with the witch, during which no one even gets hurt so it feels pretty pointless, before she says to stop and tries to coax them into joining her by making them envision and promising them their greatest desires (once again wasting the character’s potential, Captain Boomerang’s is never shown).
The characters might have been the saving grace, but they are all handled incredibly poorly. Despite being “bad guys” (which they verbally remind each other and the audience throughout), they are more like quirky Guardians of the Galaxy-esque heroes, spouting quips and doing the right thing even when it’s against their supposed nature. El Diablo makes sense, as he’s trying to repent for his sins, but why do the rest of them have morals? Why, during Diablo’s story about how he accidentally killed his family, does Harley Quinn un-ironically give him a “how could you do such a monstrous thing?” reaction. What little character development any of them have feels rushed and/or forced, where by the end they are willing to sacrifice themselves for each other and calling themselves a “family” despite having only met a few hours earlier and only exchanged a few quips here and there. Where they could have made genuinely interesting characters by making the main-characters actual villainous anti-heroes who act against the government even while working for them, Warner Bros. just made them typical Marvel heroes, spouting typical Marvel quips while killing typical Marvel cannon-fodder enemies and trying to close a typical Marvel sky portal that can destroy the world or whatever it was supposed to do, except doing it all worse. It doesn’t help that Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Katana, and even Joker are all useless and have literally no practical purpose for being in the plot.
How do you fuck up a movie so badly that even Will Smith can’t save it? Smith is one of the few good things about this movie, basically playing his typical leading-man Will Smith persona but he’s so charismatic and likable that you can’t help but feel bad for him for being in this dreck. The rest of the cast is a mixed bag. Margot Robbie has the potential to play a good Harley Quinn, but none of her jokes work (a combination of her delivery and the awful script) and as mentioned before, she’s written to be way too sympathetic. Jai Courtney (Boomerang) had the career-first potential to be good here, but is barely used and what little comic relief he provides is squandered. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (who I was actually looking forward to in this movie) has only like 6 lines as Killer Croc underneath all that makeup, and all of them make him sound like a black stereotype; as a favor for accomplishing the mission at the end, he asks for BET in his cell, which is a step above asking for fried chicken and grape-drank, so at least there’s that. The guy playing El Diablo is alright. The actors playing Col. Flagg and Katana are forgettable. Oscar-nominee Viola Davis is actually pretty bad as the government head of the squad, looking bored throughout and giving stilted line-deliveries while failing to be intimidating. Cara Delevingne (in her witch form) looks and talks like a particularly poorly-written Game of Thrones character, and is probably the least intimidating villain I’ve ever seen in a comic book movie. Ben Affleck is in the movie for like, a minute. That’s all there is to him.
And how can I forget Jared Leto’s performance as Joker? No seriously, how? Please tell me. He decided that playing the most famous bad guy in comic history would be to act like a Tourette-afflicted edgy teenager who rebels against his upper-class parents by shopping at Hot Topic. At least he was entertainingly cringe-worthy, unlike most of the movie, which is just the regular kind. Who knows, maybe in all that cut footage of him lies a good performance or character arc, but he seems less like a demented criminal mastermind and more like the type of person who would giggle maniacally to himself after tearing the tag off of his mattress. Also, if there’s a word for the introduction version of an anti-climax, Joker’s first appearance in the film is exactly that.
In summary, the acting ranges from decent to bad, the characters are weak, the writing is abysmal, the plot is nonsensical, the tone is all over the place, the music choices are head-drillingly irritating, the action scenes are dull to the point where I zoned out quite a bit during them, and all-in-all a movie that should’ve been stylish and cool is just drab and embarrassing. I know that director David Ayer is better than this (and that he didn’t even have any say in the final edit) and I’m sure there’s a decent cut of this film somewhere, so instead of blaming him I’m going to blame Warner Bros., a studio that gives Sony Pictures a run for their money in terms of sheer incompetency. They’re in such a hurry to catch up to Marvel that they forgot to properly set up their universe and don’t even have a clear vision for what they want to accomplish, story-wise. Say what you will about the MCU and how formulaic a lot of their movies are, but at least Kevin Feige has a vision for his series and makes it work. WB saw the less-than-ideal performance of “Batman v Superman”, panicked, and butchered Ayer’s film to try and make it appeal to as many people as possible, ultimately appealing to no one.
Hell, give Zack Snyder the reigns to the DCEU. He’s not without his flaws, but he’s the closest thing to an auteur working in superhero films today and he’s infinitely more competent in telling a story than the hacks who edited the “Suicide Squad” I saw in theaters. Who is the real Suicide Squad? Is it the team of “bad guys” in the movie? Or is it the audience who is forced to endure this piece of shit? If there is justice, it will be the executives at Warner Bros. who should be forced by shareholders to commit ritualistic suicide live on The CW following “Arrow”
Or just punched in the stomach.
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89. Ghostbusters – A “Ghostbusters” reboot is the most politically divisive film of 2016. It’s things like this that make me wonder if we’ve lost our way as a culture. Why people got so up in arms over the casting is beyond me. Personally, I think that anyone who condemns or praises a film solely because of the sex of its leads should be sterilized. But for months ahead of release, I saw almost nonstop articles, Tweets, and arguments about “misogyny” and “the patriarchy” and “raped childhoods” in regards to a silly comedy about people who hunt ghosts, and I started to wonder if it was actually a bad thing that the Chinese will soon take over the West (not that the Chinese would ever allow this film to be released, because Commies are afraid of ghosts or something like that).
It should come as no surprise to anyone with the slightest bit of rationality and foresight, however, that all this controversy would amount to nothing because the film is just a dull, unimaginative slog. I was expecting the movie to be shit because writer/director Paul Feig is a hack who never should have moved past television comedies, and Sony Pictures is a major movie studio run by a bunch of chimps with Down’s Syndrome, and apparently I’m better at pattern recognition than most. But honestly, I can’t even get worked up about “Ghostbusters” because it was just so boring. It never reached the point of being offensively bad like “Suicide Squad”, but this movie doesn’t really have anything going for it either. The lead actresses are fine, and could do well if they had some decent material to work with, but they aren’t funny enough to carry a very improv-heavy feature length film by themselves. A good improvised bit can be like a nice sprinkling of cinnamon on a tasty dessert, but “Ghostbusters” felt like eating several spoonfuls of cinnamon straight from the container. This felt like a modern-day SNL sketch arduously stretched out to two hours.
The improv could have worked if the leads had actual characters to work with, but each one is given just one personality trait (Leslie Jones is scared, Kate McKinnon is koooooky, Kristen Wiig is insecure, and Melissa McCarthy is
there), and they often break their trait for their banter where they constantly try to say funny things and tell jokes, making them feel like a bad college comedy-troupe instead of actual characters. Paul Feig didn’t even bother with any character development; just one forced scene where the animosity between Wiig and McCarthy’s characters, that’s forgotten within 15 minutes, is finally brought up again in the last 5. After a point, I started to feel bad for the cast. I know that McKinnon, Wiig, and McCarthy can do better than this (and have), and even Leslie Jones (who was the worst part of the trailer but is surprisingly the only likable and believable character in the film) deserves more than what she’s given. The only somewhat funny character was the mayoral aide who privately supports the team while publically insulting and condemning them.
As with Paul Feig’s other films, the plot is thin as can be (four women team up to investigate ghosts, start their own business, and before you know it, all hell breaks loose), and it feels very disjointed, with a lot of scenes feeling like they could be put in different orders and it wouldn’t make a difference. As a result, the film fails to properly ramp up in terms of stakes and motivations. There are set-ups without payoffs, and payoffs to things that were never really set up. And of course Feig can’t shoot action or comedy for shit, to the point where even a gifted physical comic like McCarthy looks like she’s lightly swinging at air in her fight scenes. He also clearly misses the R-rating he’s had so far in his feature films, where the lack of jokes is exacerbated without the crutch of swearing to lean on. Plus, as typical of a Sony Pictures movie, there’s enough forced product placement on display to make Michael Bay blush.
The lowest points of the film are the cutesy references to the original film and cameos from the original cast, with the absolute nadir being a scene with a Bill Murray who looks like he’s wondering if it’d be faster to run away from the film set (that he was sued into being on) or to slit his own throat. This just points to a studio product that plays it so safe and close to the original that it doesn’t have any identity of its own, and funnily enough, the gender-swapping of the lead roles is the only decent idea it has to differentiate itself.
As I said before, this wasn’t terrible or painful to watch (possible because I was already detached very early in the movie, but still). I got two chuckles, one from Jones and one from Chris Hemsworth, and a handful of snorts here and there. The CGI, sets, and prop-design are all colorful and surprisingly solid. But the overall movie is just mediocre and a chore to sit through. I normally don’t write lengthy reviews for comedies because there are only so many ways to say something isn’t funny, but the 2016 “Ghostbusters” just isn’t funny, and all the controversy that was brewed up (it wouldn’t surprise me if Sony manufactured the hateful reactions to the trailers themselves to drum up publicity) ultimately led to another one of the same bland, cash-grab remakes that Hollywood has been pumping out for the last several years. Now I may be a sexist, chauvinistic white cis-het misogynist shitlord, but I think the movie-going public deserves better than this, even those dumb bitc
[REDACTED]
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88. The Neon Demon - A 16-year-old girl moves to LA to become a model, and finds quick success due to her good looks (and we know she looks good because none of the other characters, including her, ever stop mentioning it), but soon after finds herself succumbing to her own hubris and the jealousy of those around her. That’s literally the entire plot of the movie, minus some of the dirty specifics. Then again, you don’t see a Nicholas Winding Refn for the plot. As can be expected from any of his post-Drive films, characters speak very obvious dialogue with remarkably long pauses, they stare off into the distance a lot (even when just looking into a mirror), jarring ultraviolence occurs, and pretty red-and-blue lighting abounds.
I found NWR’s particular brand of violent, brightly colored autism amusing up to a point, but after a while, it became increasingly grating. Part of that is that the movie as a whole just feels kind of pointless. Thematically it’s quite obvious; the modeling world exploits young women, and said women are also jealous, catty bitches (at least, that’s the impression I got from Refn). But why the fuck is this movie two hours long? So much of the film is just NWR indulging in all of his trademark filming techniques at the expense of making interesting characters. Yes, there are plenty of striking visuals with their fair share of obvious symbolism, but that’s pretty much all there is to it. Much of the movie is filmed like a modeling session or a runway show (which is probably intentional), but there comes a point where you just want to shout “YES, I GET THE GODDAMN POINT, ALREADY.” After about an hour in, I just wanted it to end and couldn’t really care about what happened next. In what seemed like an attempt to rope me back in, the last 40 minutes or so is when the twisted and violent stuff starts happening, but I was less shocked and more annoyed and disgusted by what I was seeing.
The cast is alright, I suppose. The performances from Bella Heathcote and Abbey Lee as the two models that become jealous of the main character are fun and biting. Keanu Reeves is surprisingly entertaining as a sleazy motel manager. As much as I hated that one particular scene with Jena Malone (you’ll know it when it happens), I commend her for being so committed to her performance to actually pull that scene off. Everyone else kind of just occupies that NWR character spectrum that exists somewhere between ethereal and autistic (leaning much closer to the latter in this film).
I hate it when people say the stuff I dislike about a movie is done intentionally. Was my boredom intentional? If, however, the prospect of having Nicholas Winding Refn slowly jerking himself off in your face for two hours while maintaining unblinking eye contact with synth music playing in the background sounds like your cup of tea, then “The Neon Demon” will satisfy your unusually specific fetish, you weirdo.
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87. Triple 9 – Have you ever seen an urban police drama? Congrats, you’ve already seen “Triple 9”. Basically, there is a squad of crooked Atlanta cops who plan to rob a government building with some criminals in order to appease a mob wife (hammed-up by Kate Winslet in what could possibly be her first bad performance), and they aim to simultaneously stage the murder of a fellow cop across town so there would be little resistance during their robbery. There are ride-alongs, roughing up of suspects, lots of swearing, drug use, betrayals, etc. Pretty much every “gritty” urban crime movie clichĂ© since the ‘90s is in this film, and very little of it is interesting. The movie only really comes alive during its action sequences. The opening bank robbery and mid-film raid especially are expertly crafted and are genuinely exciting. However, they (and a wonderful little cameo from Michael K. Williams) are the film’s only highlights, and the only other thing “Triple 9” is noteworthy for is having such a talented cast and wasting them on such been-there-done-that material. It’s not an ordeal to get through; it holds your attention and it’s thankfully not as edgy as I feared, but between the dull plot, lame dialogue, and unlikable, two-dimensional characters, “Triple 9” is more of a Single 5 (out of 10).
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86. The Invitation – A man named Will, who looks like a cross between Jesus and Tom Hardy, brings his new girlfriend to a dinner party set up by his long-estranged ex-wife and her new husband. Things start to get weird when they begin talking a lot about a spirituality group they’re a part of, and Will’s paranoia over their strange behavior is made worse when all of his friends seem to accept it with no problem. I went into watching this movie with little to no expectations, and those expectations were steadily raised by the performances and direction, and it all got pissed away at the end. For a while, it seemed like a really good drama with a genuinely interesting exploration of grief, but without spoiling anything, in the third act it became the EXACT movie I was really hoping it wouldn’t become. I’m sure most people won’t have the problem with this movie that I did, and the good actors and Karyn Kusama’s strong directing (she expertly builds tension and creates a great sense of space) keep it going for the most part, even despite how dumb and illogical a lot of the characters are. But I was just so disappointed by the schlock it became that it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Accept this “Invitation” if you want, but I’m staying home instead.
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85. Swiss Army Man – Look, I give it points for originality, but this was never going to be my kind of movie. It’s the kind of premise and cast (Paul Dano uses Daniel Radcliffe’s magical farting corpse to get back to civilization while learning about life) that seemed destined to be “baby’s first high-concept indie film”. I saw it because I wanted to give it a chance anyway, and while it’s not without its merits (a good deal of creativity, two committed performances, and plenty of visual flair), the endless grossout humor, montages, and really ham-fisted explanation of themes and character development wore me down to the point where I just didn’t care by the end. I would have liked for the movie to have a more straight-faced approach to the situation, which I think would have underlined the absurd humor present. Instead, we have the kind of ironic whimsy one would get if they saw a bunch of Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry films and completely missed the point. I also would have liked a darker and more realistic ending, one that would actually feel like a culmination of the themes of loneliness and isolation the movie wouldn’t shut the fuck up about. As you might have guessed, the tone is all over the place, too.
If you like this movie, that’s fine. But “Swiss Army Man” is certainly not 2deep4me, and if there is any point I missed in watching it, I don’t care enough to re-watch it. Someone told me that a lot the things I found annoying about this film are intentional. Well, intentionally annoying is still. Fucking. Annoying.
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84. Elvis & Nixon – The premise for this movie is really neat. On a December morning in 1970, Elvis Presley strolls up to the White House to request an emergency meeting with Richard Nixon and convince the President to swear him in as an undercover agent, leading to one of the most famous photos in U.S. history. The execution: not so great. The main problem is that the actual meeting is only the last 15-or-so minutes of the movie. The lead-up involves Elvis and his manager’s efforts to actually set up the meeting with Nixon’s staff, while Nixon is hesitant about allowing it. There is way too much stuff about the manager and his family, and Nixon’s staff. It’s not a lot of screentime, but it’s stuff/people you don’t care about in the slightest and is too much by definition (no offense to Colin Hanks, but he should really stick to TV). A lot of this stuff could have been replaced by more Elvis/Nixon, or just cut out entirely, since even at 87 minutes, the film’s length is stretched out.
Luckily, the movie is saved by the outstanding talents playing the titular characters. Michael Shannon as the King and Kevin Spacey as Tricky Dick are so good that they go beyond mere caricatures and actually feel like they embody the historical figures, even if the material is rather light. Much of the movie’s focus is on Shannon’s Elvis, and he easily holds the film together, even though you wish there was more of Nixon. The meeting between the two is of course the highlight of the movie, a wonderful stranger-than-fiction moment of history that would have made a pretty good short film. Here’s hoping for an exploitation-style sequel where they team up to fight evil drug fiends, because they deserve a movie as fun and unique as they are.
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83. The Little Prince – Full confession: I wrote this review a couple of months after actually seeing “The Little Prince” on Netflix and I barely remember anything about it. I remember thinking it was a nice little animated film with a nice message about not forgetting your childhood spirit and imagination and sense of wonder as you grow up. I remember thinking that the CGI animation was nothing special (it was animated in France with a modest budget, so I won’t complain), but the stop-motion sequences were pretty impressive. I remember chuckling a few times and getting the feels once or twice.
It’s alright, from what I recall, so check it out if you like. I’m sorry if you’re a big fan of “The Little Prince” and were hoping for a more in-depth and detailed review, but I genuinely had a hard time remembering stuff about this film, which (considering the film’s message and key themes) is pretty ironic.
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82. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – I was going to make a superlative at the end of this list for “most generic”, but I realized nothing came close to this Tom Cruise action thriller. This movie is so relentlessly generic that it almost feels intentional, like a satire of one of those mediocre 90’s thrillers that are shown endlessly on cable, probably as a double-feature with “U.S. Marshals”. Tom Cruise has never made a bad movie, but this is easily one of his worst ones. Typical conspiracy thriller plot from the type of shitty airport-bookstore paperback novels that boring middle-aged people enjoy (and that these movies are adapted from). Noteworthy only for the scenes with Cruise’s maybe-daughter and their dynamic, something that feels like it’s from a different movie altogether but funnily enough is the only stuff that actually works. Not terrible in any way, but this is something for a lazy Sunday afternoon or to have on in the background while you do something more interesting like ironing your clothes or vacuuming dog hair from underneath the sofa.
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81. Gods of Egypt – Who would have thought that a silly fantasy movie about ancient Egyptian deities would be such a beacon for controversy the way it was prior to release? (The controversy was swiftly forgotten about, as it usually happens). Don’t get me wrong, whitewashing is certainly an issue in Hollywood, but in a film where 10-foot-tall, golden-blooded gods rule over a flat Earth consisting entirely of Egypt while Ra, the God of the Sun, rides around in a magic spaceship taking potshots at a giant space worm all day, complaining about historical inaccuracy is a bit silly. Regardless of what ancient Egyptians actually looked like, any attempt at historical realism would just be jarring and out-of-place here.
Gerard Butler and Chadwick Boseman hamming it up as the evil Set and smarmy Thoth are fun, as is Geoffrey Rush as Ra. Shame that the rest of the cast is as dull and forgettable as they are. The CGI quality is in the halfway-point between “good” and “Syfy movie-tier”. It’s not exactly convincing, but it’s pretty and colorful enough that you don’t need too much suspension of disbelief. Tonally and stylistically, the movie harkens back to those cheesy low-budget fantasy films from the 80’s (if not in budget and star-power). I particularly love how the human girl love interest is portrayed as an innocent girl-next-door-y type, but her massive, barely-contained rack is prominent in almost every frame she’s on screen.
The only major detrimental flaw (and it’s kind of a big one) is that “Gods of Egypt” feels about 20-30 minutes too long. It just doesn’t have the narrative strength or filmmaking energy to sustain its’ running time. If it was edited down (particularly the parts with the young, discount-Orlando Bloom main human character), it’d be a reasonably fun movie. Still, I appreciated “Gods of Egypt” for its goofily-sincere throwback spirit, and nothing about it was painful to watch. Not god-like, but not god-awful either.
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80. High-Rise – It’s difficult for me to review a film like “High-Rise”, because while there’s a great deal I admire about the film, the overall experience just felt hollow and repetitive to me. It’s about a young doctor who moves into a fancy 1970’s London high-rise, a self-sustained building with many luxuries intended to provide equal quality of housing to all its inhabitants, where mounting tensions between tensions between the upper and lower floors eventually give way to literal class warfare (subtle). While the first half of the movie is engaging, as the doctor maneuvers through all the social groups and meets a lot of the residents, the second half where the actual fighting starts lost me pretty quickly. None of the characters behave like normal human beings, which makes it hard to be invested in their conflict. While there’s some maintenance issues and disrespect in the building, it’s not clear why they all descend into savagery so quickly. I guess it’s something we’re just supposed to accept (human nature, man), but I feel like a more prolonged slide into chaos would have helped the movie, especially since the second half is just repetitive “one side does bad shit to the other, while the doctor tries to stay out of it” nonsense.
While I don’t buy any of the characters, the cast is strong and they play these caricatures with great conviction. I actually love the aesthetics of the movie; the set design, lighting, camerawork, etc. all being very striking and creative. Director Ben Wheatley’s talent here is evident, even if I stopped caring about the material after a while. I get that this movie is intended to be satire, so a lot of my complaints about the movie could be something that someone else would enjoy because it was all intentional, man. Maybe you’ll get more out of it than I did, but to me it was just a pretty and well-acted slog.
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79. Lion
White saviors
Inspirational piano-heavy music the occasionally remembers to throw in some foreign flavor
A cute kid
A solid performance from a minority actor (Dev Patel)
A former Oscar winner who cries a bunch (Nicole Kidman)
A well-intentioned but kind of condescending depiction of another culture
Over-reliance on fish-out-of-water humor
Really obvious plot beats and recurring elements
An attempt to depict “realism” in poverty but watering it down for a PG-13 rating,
A happy/emotional ending
“Based on a true story”
Ending text that not only says what happened to the real-life figures with photos and video, but also includes a statistic about missing children in India and how this film is helping to fix the problem while a pop song by Sia plays.
I know this was based on a true story, but it’s like the fucking Academy themselves made this movie.
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78. Independence Day: Resurgence – Roland Emmerich is like a more boring Michael Bay. Many of his films are little more than special effects showcases, dragged down by stock characters and awful writing. Oftentimes, the stupidity on display in a Roland Emmerich movie goes past the point of fun and becomes downright insulting to the audience. Charitably put, the man’s kind of a hack., but even a broken hack is right twice a career (sort of). The first time was 1996’s “Independence Day”, one of the most famous movies of the 90’s and a fun piece of cheese in its own right. The second time was 2016’s long-awaited (by nobody) “Independence Day: Resurgence”*. I don’t wish to imply that “Revengeance” is high-art or anything, but if you’re in the right frame of mind, it’s a simple and comfortably enjoyable flick.
A big part of that is that it’s never insultingly stupid. It’s not smart or anything, but it goes about its business without giving anyone a headache. The characters aren’t deep, but they’re likable enough for the audience to enjoy following them and for possibly the first time in Emmerich’s career, they’re not irritating. “Revolutions” is sincere in its goal to entertain, and displays enough self-awareness to get the audience to relax, like when Jeff Goldblum cheekily comments “They like to get the landmarks” during the film’s main destruction sequence. There’s also some hilariously goofy dialogue like “The ship will touch down over the Atlantic.” --> “Which part?” --> “ALL of it.” There’s a little bit of Chinese pandering (including that juice-box filled with milk or some shit that I keep seeing in these movies), but not enough to annoy, and weirdly it suits the theme of different nationalities banding together.
The cast is fine, but really nothing special. Goldblum is enjoyable because he seems constantly aware of the kind of schlock he’s in, but “Regurgitation” is sorely missing Will Smith, who is more charismatic than all the new cast members combined. When Bill Pullman is giving the best performance, your film isn’t going to win any acting awards. One other thing that I personally really missed was David Arnold, whose score for the 1996 film is one of my favorite film scores of that decade, and the only time the soundtrack for this one comes alive is when it occasionally reprises his majestic themes.
In summary, if you’re looking for something original or high-brow, look elsewhere, but if you just want to kill a few hours and seeing a diverse** group of attractive, multinational humans band together to fight aliens warms your heart a little bit in these cynical times, then “Independence Day: Redemption” will scratch that particular itch.
* I also admit to enjoying “White House Down”
**by diverse I mean black, white, Chinese, and Jeff Goldblum.
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77. X-Men: Apocalypse - There's a bit in "X-Men: Apocalypse" where the younger characters go see "Return of the Jedi" and one of them comments on how the third movie of the trilogy is always the worst.
How prophetic that line turned out to be.
Not that X-Men: Apocalypse is a bad movie, but it’s definitely closer to Brett Ratner’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” than it is to Bryan Singer’s previously strong entries in the franchise. This is definitely one of those “you take the good with the bad” situations. This is a really inconsistent (tonally and otherwise) movie, so instead of writing a repetitive “this is good, but this isn’t” review, I’ll just list off the positives and negatives and leave it up to you to decide if it’s worth watching or not. This will include some spoilers, but you’re not missing much and the canon in these movies is a complete mess anyway. I’ll say that I was entertained, sometimes genuinely and sometimes ironically, for most of the film, so take that how you will.
The Good:
Evan Peters’ Quicksilver, who steals the second X-Men movie in a row
The Quicksilver mansion scene
Nice visuals
Good soundtrack
The early scenes in Poland
The Wolverine cameo
The Bad:
Nightcrawler being wasted despite being one of the best parts of Singer’s “X2”
Jennifer Lawrence is clearly phoning it in
The film does nothing fun with the 1980s setting
Oscar Isaac is wasted on a generic “I’m going to destroy the world and only the strong shall remain” villain.
Storm joins Apocalypse’s gang for like no reason, then switches sides pretty abruptly during the climax
Olivia Munn’s Psylocke has like, one or two lines the whole movie
For the third movie in a row, Magneto becomes the bad guy because he’s Magneto
For the third movie in a row, Professor X gives Magneto the “You don’t have to do this, there is still good in you” speech.
I know it’s the key theme of the franchise, but to hear these characters complain about mutant rights and discrimination is getting tiring after so many movies
It’s two-and-a-half hours long
The Funny:
Nightcrawler’s makeup
Everyone in the movie keeps saying how important Mystique is when this is the most useless and unnecessary her character has ever been.
After killing like, millions of people during the climax, they just let Magneto go, with Professor X telling him “I’ll see you around, old friend”
The characters are 20 years older than they were in “X-Men: First Class”, but all still look like they’re in their 20s or early 30’s.
That scene where Professor X beats up Apocalypse in his mind
Coca-Cola product placement
Magneto destroying Auschwitz
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76. The Finest Hours – “The Finest Hours” is a period disaster/rescue drama about a small 1950’s Cape Cod Coast Guard team’s attempts to rescue the crew of an oil tanker after their ship gets Titanic’d by a major storm, and it’s as old-fashioned a movie as it gets, even to a fault. It’s a refreshingly straightforward film. I liked the community/teamwork-focused buildup, as we get to know Chris Pine’s Coast Guardsman, his love interest, and the crew of the ship before the disaster hits. I liked the scenes on the water the most, the experience of them struggling to clear the huge waves during the heavy weather is actually pretty harrowing. I liked the warm tone and the understated heroism.
There’s really not much to this film. I feel like it’s a bit too safe and predictable and not as white-knuckle exciting as I’d hoped. I wasn’t a fan of how the movie kept cutting back to the generic worries of the people on the shore, and the only things in this film thicker than the nostalgia ah the faahkin New England ahhccents. Still, I enjoyed it. It’s not a first-rate vessel, but it stays afloat.
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75. Warcraft – I’ll start this by saying that I’m not a Warcraft fan and have never played any of the games. With that out of the way

"Warcraft" is the nerdiest movie I think I've ever seen. It was so geeky, I felt like watching and enjoying it gave me my virginity back. This movie was made for Warcraft fans and literally nobody else (maybe the Chinese, but they're an easy-to-please bunch).
I actually really admire that. In an age where almost all blockbusters are watered-down, homogenized garbage made by people who seek maximum profit by catering to the largest possible demographic, seeing Universal Pictures take such a risk and sinking $160 million (plus marketing) into a film so niche and nerdy warms my heart. A movie that tries to please everybody pleases nobody in particular, and I'm happy for the Warcraft nerds for having their own cinematic moment.
The movie itself is kind of a mess, however. Even putting aside the stuff you probably need to be a WC fan to understand, the pacing is wonky, the script is weak, most of the human cast is bland, the editing sucks, and it ends very anticlimactically. While Duncan Jones (who is the main reason I saw this movie) pulls off some impressive visuals and great moments, the movie for the most part lacks the epic feel you’d expect in a big-budget fantasy movie. I was able to follow the basic story, but I was definitely lost at times, and remembered like, 3 or 4 of the characters’ names by the time the movie ended.
“Warcraft” certainly has its positives, however. While most of the human cast is underwritten or boring, Travis Fimmel and Ben Foster are both quite good in their roles, easily standing out from their cardboard cut-out castmates. The orcs won the lottery on their actors, all of whom play the orcs with such conviction that they feel more believable than most of their human counterparts. Even the writing was better during the orc scenes, weirdly. Speaking of believable, the special effects on display are fantastic. Between the amazing-looking orcs, the magic effects and the scenery, the CG artists have definitely earned their paychecks on this one. The battle scenes were fun, and (THANK GOD) shot clearly without using shaky-cam or fast editing, those two errant turds on the delicious pie of most action films. It’s also nice to see a movie that seems like it was created out of love and affection by people who actually care for the franchise, and who don’t feel the need to make it ironic or quippy.
While I mentioned that the writing is weak (most characters are frustratingly undeveloped and there are lots of important-sounding proper nouns that left me scratching my head), I see plenty of room for improvement, and with more refinement and focus, I can see a great sequel arising from this. I genuinely hope this franchise continues, because even though it’s not my thing and certainly not without its weaknesses, I enjoyed it for the most part and it feels like such a refreshing medicine to the disease of bland, corporate modern blockbusters that I don’t mind the odd taste or that the spoon is made from frozen fanboy wank.
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74. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows – I admit to being one of the few people that liked the Michael Bay-produced 2014 TMNT reboot, so I was also one of the few people looking forward to this year’s generically-subtitled sequel. I’m happy to say that as incremental as it may be, OOTS is a definite improvement. It feels less like the factory-assembled reboot typical of Hollywood attempts to cash in on nostalgic properties, and feels more in line with the original cartoon series. No longer is charisma-vacuum Megan Fox the main character; she is relegated to supporting duties, and the turtles (still enthusiastically played by their mo-cap actors) take center stage. This movie does the typical sequel thing where it includes more villains than the first, but all of them (besides Shredder, who is little more than a cameo) are surprisingly entertaining and never outstay their welcome. Tyler Perry is delightful as a mad scientist, as are the two guys who play man-beasts Bebop and Rocksteady. “Arrow” star Stephen Amell is clearly having a blast as vigilante Casey Jones. The action sequences are creative and fun to watch.
There’s plenty of product placement, but the Turtles have always been whores designed to sell merchandise, so it doesn’t feel out of place. I miss Brian Tyler’s bombastic music from the first film, the score here by Steve Jablonsky being much more generic and forgettable. The few attempts at character development are trite and unnecessary. The writing is still kinda crappy, and there’s a bit too much juvenile humor. I suppose my biggest complaint is that while the filmmaking is competent, it really lacks the sort of energy and inspiration to take it to the next level. Almost all the elements for a genuinely good Turtles movie are here; it just needs someone to put it all together into something that’s more than the sum of its parts, and not the dude who directed “Earth to Echo” (I’d heard of it either).
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73. Zootopia – Nice animation, great attention to detail and some good visual gags (the population-counter on the rabbit farm, the wolf cop going undercover, etc.). Highlight of the film was the opening school-play scene. Nice message for the kids about how prejudices can lead even the most well-intentioned of people astray. Plot goes through the familiar beats of a Disney film, except for a pretty retarded third-act heel turn that I won’t spoil, but it would make more sense and have more story impact if the character didn’t feel so minor, and if it wasn’t so last-minute in the movie. “Frozen” was dull as shit, but at least the scene where HANS BETRAYS ANNA (spoiler warning) was pretty hilarious because of how well-timed and out of nowhere it was. The “grown-up” references (Godfather, Breaking Bad, etc.) feel pretty forced, mainly due to them just being references and not actual jokes. Overall, it’s a decent, well-made, and occasionally funny film (“I mean, I am just a dumb bunny, but we are good at multiplying”), but the overly-formulaic and predictable plot signifies that Disney’s lack of creative ambition is still there. Also, the sloth scene might have been funny if I hadn’t already seen it in the trailer. It’s definitely not one of those scenes that’s funny more than once.
Recommended for kids, furries, and those who love animal puns.
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72. Hush – A deaf-mute writer is terrorized in her home by a psychopath intent on killing her. A nice premise with a refreshing twist on the tired home invasion genre, and the movie is a brisk 81 minutes. However, I feel like it should have been shorter, and it was only so long because the villain was so unbelievably stupid. At multiple points he could have entered her home and killed her pretty easily, but the plot dictates that she needs to think of ways to survive and outsmart him, so he’s just written as a crazy and evil idiot who wants to toy with his prey. I imagine most people would be fine with it, but his behavior became more annoying than scary after a while.
Making the film watchable is the solid directing and cinematography, along with writer/star Kate Siegel who makes for a very sympathetic and likable protagonist. We both wince and feel for her character when she gets hurt, as she sobs quietly but can’t audibly cry. Her performance is so convincing that I was genuinely surprised to find out that she’s not actually deaf in real life. The movie is decent and worth watching if you like horror-thrillers, and it shows than Blumhouse can still produce the occasional, not-garbage horror film.
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71. War Dogs - I wasn’t a fan of the “Hangover” trilogy, even if the third entry was an admirably bold middle-finger to all of its established fans, but I saw talent in Todd Phillips’ direction which made me somewhat look forward to his next endeavor. Based on a true story, Miles Teller and Jonah Hill play two 20-something Miami dudes who get into the world of gun-running and happen upon a major but shady deal with the U.S. government. Basically, “Lord of War” for the new generation. However, where “Lord of War” was, despite its’ wry sense of humor, a pretty dramatic and searing look at the arms trade and the U.S. government’s involvement with it. “War Dogs”, meanwhile, feels more like a lightweight “Wolf of Wall Street”-esque rise-and-fall story of two friends and businessmen that, despite the constant references to the Bush administration, feels like only a passing criticism of the government. The key problem with the movie is how been-there-done-that it is. Even if you know nothing about the real-world story that inspired it, all the dramatic beats and character progressions are thoroughly predictable, and watching it I felt like I’ve seen this movie a hundred times already. It even opens with a variation of that freeze-frame “You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation” clichĂ©. It’s not bad. It’s solid in pretty much every aspect. The directing by Phillips (I like a visual gag where a character sees approaching Iraqi insurgents in his truck’s side mirror, then the camera pans down to “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear”), the writing, the acting (with a noteworthy turn by Jonah Hill). It’s all fine. But the movie’s crippling lack of ambition means that by the end of the year, it’ll probably be completely forgotten about. I’m writing this review two days after having seen it and I’m genuinely having trouble remembering things about it. To put it in a hack-y movie critic kind of way; “War Dogs” is a gun that doesn’t malfunction, but never hits the bulls-eye either.
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70. Jason Bourne – If the Bourne films popularized the “gritty espionage thriller” genre, 2016’s “Jason Bourne” feels like a generic knockoff made while the trend was hot, except it’s several years later and no one really cares. Still, I was looking forward to the film, because there are so few good action movies coming out these days and Paul Greengrass is at least a pretty strong director. I will always slightly resent Greengrass for popularizing the shaky-cam, fast-editing style of action filmmaking, but I admit he does it better than pretty much everyone, and it actually suits Bourne’s gritty, improvisational nature. There’s an early chase set during a riot in Athens and a climactic chase in Las Vegas that feel as urgent and intense as any action scenes I’ve seen in a while. Still, you wish the guy would invest in a tripod or something. It’s nice that Greengrass doesn’t discriminate, but exclusively hiring camera operators with Parkinson’s does make the end product a bit hard to follow, visually.
The plot is some hokum about the CIA trying to knock off a billionaire social media tech guru because he won’t let them use his product to spy on everyone, and somehow Jason Bourne is brought out of exile/retirement because of EVEN MORE buried secrets about his past. It’s pretty generic stuff that tries to be timely but comes across as trying too hard. Damon’s a compelling lead, and he’s given a decent villainous counterpart in Vincent Cassel, but it’s hard to be involved in the material. I was also disappointed by the lack of character development for Julia Stiles’ returning Nicky Parsons. Some insight into why she came out of hiding to give Bourne information would have been nice. The rest of the cast is unmemorable; Tommy Lee Jones in particular looks like he’s counting down the seconds until he stops shooting and can cash in his check.
You can tell that this is a tacked-on cash-grab sequel. They couldn’t even bother thinking of a proper Bourne title (The Bourne Resurgence, maybe?), and while Damon and Greengrass are definitely not half-assing it, you can tell their hearts aren’t really in this. Their workmanlike approach and their undeniable talent, however, does mean that Jason Bourne is an enjoyable thriller, and you’ll at least get a great pair of action scenes out of it. Still, what the hell were they thinking, making a Bourne film without Jeremy Renner?
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69. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - There is perhaps no bigger red flag to me for a major blockbuster movie than hearing about “extensive reshoots”. Putting aside the lessons we’ve learned from “Fantastic 4” and “Suicide Squad”, the main problem with these kinds of reshoots is that it speaks to the studio not having enough confidence in the director’s vision, and more in the opinions of test audiences. I know that reshoots are commonplace in the film industry, but when they announced that “Rogue One” would have several weeks of reshoots that weren’t even headed by director Gareth Edwards, my heart sank a bit.
Now, I don’t mean to compare this to the previously mentioned comic-book dumpster fires, but the fact that “Rogue One” is just “kinda good” makes it pretty disappointing for me. Before some of you nerds ask; no, I didn’t watch this film with the sole purpose of criticizing it and ruining the Star Wars circlejerk. I was really looking forward to it when I heard that Gareth Edwards would direct, because his recent “Godzilla” reboot was fucking awesome and easily one of the best blockbusters of recent years, and I had hoped that “Rogue One” would mark an effort in taking this unkillable franchise to bold, new directions. It’s not like doing so would even be considered risky; “Star Wars” fans would literally pay money to eat dogshit if they were told it’d be canon or if the actor who played Wedge Antilles told them to do it.
But there’s the problem. Despite some differences in approach to the main saga, “Rogue One” is as safe as they come. Sure, there’s no opening crawl and the visuals are grittier than usual, but in terms of dialogue, storytelling, style of music, etc., it’s still very much a Star Wars movie. I do like how the movie takes itself fairly seriously and is bereft of the typical cringe-worthy Disneyquips©, but it kind of lacks the passion and inspiration that made so many people fall in love with the original trilogy.
Michael Giacchino’s score does the job, but isn’t all that memorable. He happily mimics John Williams’ style, but doesn’t display the sense of flair or majesty that made Williams’ music for this series so famous. It’s a shame we’ll never get to hear original composer Alexandre Desplat’s work for this film (he couldn’t do the score due to rescheduling around the reshoots).
The cast is a major case of “talented actors let down by a weak script and thin characters”. Try doing the Plinkett thing and describe the characters’ personalities, without talking about their role in the plot or their motivations, and ask yourself if any of them sound interesting. The main character Jyn Erso is especially disappointing, since what initially seems like a personal quest to find her father turns into her just selflessly becoming a noble rebel hero. There’s kind of an arc, sure, but it’s seriously missing any real drama to make the arc meaningful. This is especially bad during the slow and plodding first two acts of the film, which are rather unengaging and even boring at times.
The only somewhat amusing characters are the droid K-2SO (Alan Tudyk), the blind kung-fu former Jedi (Donnie Yen), and the Death Star director (Ben Mendelsohn). The droid is pretty much the only source of humor in the film, and he feels welcome because he doesn’t feel over-the-top (he’s a kind of cross between C3PO and HK-47). Donnie Yen is an insanely charismatic actor, and he makes his character interesting enough that he can overcome the writing. Ben Mendelsohn makes for an entertaining and slimy villain, but he’s let down by the script and the constraints of the canon more than anyone. Mendelsohn’s naturally villainous performance is wasted due to his character’s frequent emasculation at the hands of old franchise baddies Grand Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader.
And therein lies the crux of the matter, both that of the film and of Disney; they focus less on building the future or telling new, memorable stories in lieu of milking the past for all it’s worth. This is best exemplified by Disney’s decision to reintroduce a pair of ANH characters using their creepy, uncanny-valley CGI technology and body doubles. They did this in a few Marvel movies to have actors play younger versions of themselves, but here they use it to bring a dead actor (Peter Cushing as Tarkin) back to life, and it’s quite morbid and uncomfortable when you think about it. They literally bought a dead man’s likeness from his estate to milk it for nostalgia bucks. Is that where we are as a society where we’re totally cool with something like this? Wouldn’t it be much more natural (and cheaper) to just recast the old characters? You know, with human beings and whatnot?
Don’t get me wrong. As an action-space-fantasy movie, “Rogue One” works well enough. I mentioned previously that the first two acts are meh, despite some good moments (like the Death Star’s demonstration on a desert city, and the whole opening scene). Most of the movie was characters traveling from one colorless location to the next, getting into a scuffle with the Empire, then escaping. It’s in the third act where the movie really kicks into gear. The stakes are raised, things feel more urgent, and the bland locations are swapped for a beautiful tropical beach setting with an Empire base on it. It’s basically one large action sequence, but it works. Edwards again uses his excellent sense of scale and visual prowess to make the battle feel epic and exciting. As someone who isn’t a big Star Wars fan, it’s easily the best 30-40 minutes in any of the movies for me.
However, while “Rogue One” gives an admirable effort in being its own thing, it can’t help but keep calling back to the original trilogy just to please its established fanbase. I don’t blame all of the film’s flaws on the reshoots. There’s no obvious difference between original and new footage like a crappy wig or awful, forced humor. And who knows, maybe the reshoots actually made the film better. But at the end, “Rogue One” feels like it doesn’t want to be a Star Wars movie but is forced to be one (pun intended) by its strict parents. So often the characters go on about “hope”, as if they are seeking HOPE of a NEW variety. It may be like poetry (it rhymes), but after a point it becomes less poetry and more beating you over the head with a rhyming dictionary. For future installments, let’s cross our fingers for a little less “hope” and a little more “new”.
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68. Passengers – Betrays Chris Pratt’s best movie performance to date, an excellent first act, and its own interesting (and pretty disturbing) premise by watering it down with schmaltzy Hollywood romance, unnecessary action, and a cancer-inducing end-credits Imagine Dragons song. I could write an entire essay on why the movie’s specific approach to its story is deeply uncomfortable. I’m also pretty much over Jennifer Lawrence at this point.
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67. Three – Intriguing and unique chamber piece, but its comical elements and over-the-top melodrama feel out of place, and the final shootout feels like style just for style’s sake, which makes it oddly boring. Watchable, but a massive step down for Johnnie To after his excellent “Drug War”.
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66. Captain Fantastic – Soulful performance from Viggo Mortensen and the occasional touching and insightful moment help buoy this portrayal of family and unconventional parenting whose biggest flaw is having a script and viewpoint that’s too smug and proud of itself for its own good, which makes most of the emotional moments feel cheap and unearned. Wes Anderson could have made a great movie out of this.
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65. The Edge of Seventeen – Overcomes (just barely) the unlikability of its main character, the annoying way characters always describe what they’re going through, and its own sheer predictability with good performances, the occasional funny line and a fairly honest and empathetic look at growing up. I’d respect it more if it had the balls to have an unhappy ending. Woody Harrelson gives probably my favorite portrayal of a teacher in a movie.
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64. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice – Oh, boy, here we go. For the record, this review is of the extended cut of the film.
I firmly believe that you can make or break a movie in editing. No matter how good the writing, acting, directing, and cinematography are, if a film is poorly edited, it becomes confusing at best, and a complete chore to watch at worst. Such was the case with the theatrical cut of the highly-anticipated (not by me, of course) “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”, a film that despite being two-and-a-half hours long, felt like a rushed and confusing mess. I’m not saying that the extended cut is some sort of masterpiece, but this 3-hour version is what Zack Snyder intended the finished product to be before Warner Bros. got their stupid fucking fingers on it. Characters are given more scenes to be fleshed out, subplots are better developed, and the pacing is significantly improved, amounting to a much more coherent and downright better film. If you saw the theatrical version and are really on the fence about the film, I recommend watching the extended cut.
The movie itself is still fundamentally flawed in some aspects. It’s still a film constrained by the pressure to set up an entire cinematic universe, which makes the story itself suffer. It probably should have been solely about the personal grudge between Batman and Superman and the consequences it takes on both of them, and them eventually teaming up together when they realize they’re not so different and both want the same thing. The actual movie tries to do that, have Lex Luthor try to destroy both of them, introduce Wonder Woman, set up Wonder Woman’s origin story, set-up three other Justice League members’ origin stories, set up the Justice League movie itself, have an investigative Lois Lane subplot, hint at a future bad guy, and create a giant Frankenstein monster for the third act, among other things. The movie does keep most of these plates spinning, but some of them do fall. It’s an ambitious undertaking, but we’re still left with expensive broken china.
The writing is pretty hackneyed, too. If you can explain Lex Luthor’s motivation for hating Superman to me without citing a comic book or saying “it’s just what he does”, please do. They hint at some biblical reason for it (the Christ allegories and symbolism are even less subtle here as they were in “Man of Steel”, to give you an idea), but it came across as Lex hating him for no particular reason and trying to quote scripture to justify it. There are like three extended dream sequences in the movie, which feels like two too many. And then there’s that awful flow-breaking scene where they set-up The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman. I’m reminded of an anecdote where during the making of “Man of Steel”, Zack Snyder wanted to include an after-credits scene but producer Christopher Nolan opposed, telling him “A real movie wouldn’t do that.” This story is probably bullshit, but I think it’s funny that Snyder made an after-credits scene and just crowbarred it into the middle of the movie.
“Batman v. Superman” attempts (and actually succeeds for a while) to really create a sense of consequence in a comic book movie, with the whole world, particularly Batman, being concerned about Superman’s presence on Earth after the destruction caused in “Man of Steel”. But it’s all kind of thrown out the window when that conflict is immediately dropped after the “MARTHA” scene so they could team up to fight the aforementioned Frankenstein monster. The “MARTHA” scene has become kind of infamous, but I was actually fine with it (even if it could have been better written) until Batman says “Don’t worry. Martha’s not dying tonight”, which got a good howl out of me. It was at the very least an interesting movie until it became the typical third-act destruction fest that has characterized so many superhero flicks, with even a few tonally jarring quips thrown in for good measure. The actual fight between Batman and Superman only lasts for like 5 minutes, despite so much buildup. While fun, it feels really schlocky, especially when Batman rips a sink out of a bathroom wall and starts beating Superman over the head with it. Why they started fighting in the first place instead of talking it out like Superman originally intended is beyond me, as well. Zack Snyder’s penchant for outstanding visuals is never in question (he does handheld camerawork better than pretty much anyone) but his grasp on storytelling has always been a bit iffy, even if this is arguably his best work.
If you’re a comic book fan and weren’t a fan of the characterization in this film, the extended cut won’t change your mind on that. Superman is still kind of a dick, Lex Luthor is still a Jolly Rancher-sucking autist, and Batman still kills people. It (mostly) makes sense in the context in the film, and I personally didn’t care too much, but I know some comic book fans who won’t forgive it. Last but not least, I want to mention what is probably the most annoying product placement I’ve seen in a movie this year. It’s not as gratuitous as a TMNT or Transformers flick, but at least those films didn’t take themselves seriously. There is nothing that can ruin a good, serious scene like a really out-of-place product placement. I was enjoying the scene with Clark Kent and Lois Lane in the bathtub until the camera turned to the bottle of Olay and stayed there for like a solid 2 seconds. The scene I was most looking forward to in the movie (the “Man of Steel” destruction of Metropolis as seen through Bruce Wayne’s eyes, which was really well done) was really hurt by the fact that right before the movie started they showed an ad for the Jeep used in the scene, using footage from the movie. There’s also a scene where Lex Luthor tries to force-feed Holly Hunter a Jolly Rancher. I understand that the movie’s titanic budget has to come from somewhere, but it’s shit like this that really pulls me out of the movie.
The cast is strong, particularly Jeremy Irons’ Alfred and Ben Affleck, who exceeds all expectations as Batman, even if he looks a bit silly in the suit. If nothing else, I’m really looking forward to his solo Batfleck film. Gal Gadot is nothing special, but at least she isn’t terrible. Henry Cavill is solid and likable even when the script lets him down, as is Amy Adams (not to politicize things, but I feel like this movie is getting no credit whatsoever for actually having a female love-interest who is like ten years older than her male counterpart, as opposed to the typical older-male-younger-female one). I like how they try to make Laurence Fishburne’s newspaper editor like a reverse J. Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man, constantly telling Clark Kent to report on some local sports team and admonishing him for writing about a vigilante dressed up as a bat beating the shit out of criminals and branding them.
I could go on, but at least BvS feels like an actual movie, instead of the really long trailer that was “Man of Steel”. Its (many) flaws aside, Zack Snyder is to be commended for using such a massive budget to at least try and do something different and ambitious than typical superhero films, and the fact that he succeeds as much as he does despite so many expectations and so much pressure is to be lauded. His cast is good, his action scenes are brutal and weighty (I loved that “Arkham” style warehouse fight between Batman and a group of armed thugs), his heart is in the right place, and he really, honestly dares to be different. If he had a better script and a not-terrible studio to back him up, “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” would be appreciated for what it is, and not the kind of movie that inspires actual news articles about RottenTomatoes.
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63. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk – Uneven but occasionally powerful and refreshingly biting look at America’s oft-hypocritical worship of its soldiers and what battle can really do to their psyche, with lead actor and newcomer Joe Alwyn deftly carrying the movie on his shoulders. Let down by a weak script and most of the supporting characters being one-dimensional caricatures, however intentional it may be. The weirdest cast ever assembled for a drama (Garrett Hedlund, Chris Tucker, Steve Martin, Kristen Stewart, and Vin Diesel) works surprisingly well, except for the sadly out-of-place Martin. Didn’t get to see it in the original 4K, 120fps format, but at least I don’t get a headache out of it.
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62. Hidden Figures – Typical inspirational historical drama. Sugary and as clichĂ©d as it gets, but solid enough that it works. Elevated by strong performances from the three leading women, made amusing by how every other line spoken by any of them is an Obama-esque crowd-pleasing “Mmhmm” moment, and almost ruined by the presence of Bazinga as a racist, sexist strawman who is just there to be continually outsmarted and embarrassed by the smart, black lady. Probably going to become a staple in high school math/physics classes with lazy teachers. Thumbs up for the Oscar-bait title.
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61. 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – I let out a good chortle when I heard that there would be a movie about the 2012 Benghazi attack starring Jim from “The Office” and directed by none other than Michael Bay, a man whose approach to maturity and good taste generally amounts to a passing laugh and cocaine-sneeze. It was to my pleasant surprise (and admitted slight disappointment) that “13 Hours” turned out to be not only a solid military thriller but also Bay’s most restrained and mature movie. Don’t get me wrong; there’s still plenty of military hardware porn, explosions, and tastefully lit shots of a shirtless John Krasinski (hnnng). However, it also doesn’t include the obnoxious humor and out-of-place product placement that characterize most of his films (although there is a really unnecessary scene in a McDonald’s drive-through), and it actually takes itself fairly seriously, which is surprising coming from the guy who directed a film about two Miami cops who single-handedly invade Cuba.
It presents an account of what happened that night at the U.S. embassy and nearby CIA station as seen through the perspective of the security contractors stationed there, and it avoids politicizing the matter. There’s an annoying CIA chief strawman who refuses to let the contractors go in early to rescue the ambassador, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. The rest is a tense military action film, along with the expected jingoistic hero worship that these types of films have to include by law or something, though thankfully it’s not as bad here. Bay spends a decent amount of time setting up the location, the characters and the situation, before tits go inevitably up. The characters are fairly thin, their non-action scenes amounting to the usual dick-swinging soldier banter and some phone calls to their wholesome, attractive families back home, but the actors are good and convincing enough to make you care about them.
The action scenes are the reasons to see this, characterized by strong sound design and the aforementioned hardware porn that I admittedly enjoy, as well as some great shots, like the slo-motion one of a soldier surrounded by sparks. I also liked the atmosphere of the film, as the contractors slowly move through the ghostly streets of Benghazi, one of them remarking “It’s like we’re in a horror movie”, as some residents nearby are casually watching a soccer match while ignoring the gunfights outside their homes, as if it’s just another weekday evening.
The writing is pretty weak. It gets the needed information across, but the characterization is thin, the dialogue ranges from corny to boring, and there really isn’t enough plot to make this movie as long as it is.
Nontheless, it’s a solid action-thriller. I’ve defended Michael Bay for a long time now (mainly because he made “The Rock”, and I don’t see any other fucking director that made “The Rock”), but between this and 2013’s “Pain & Gain” he shows how much better he can be with smaller budgets and when not constrained by a plot involving giant robots punching each other and making racial wisecracks.
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60. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping – Imagine “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”, but not as good, and you get a good idea of what “Popstar” is like. The humor was pretty hit-or-miss and definitely favored quantity over quality when it came to the jokes, as can be expected from a movie made by SNL alumni, but it kept me entertained and made me laugh enough to warrant a recommendation. Funniest bits were the TMZ parodies, Justin Timberlake, and the “Equal Rights” music video.
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59. Midnight Special – I like Jeff Nichols as a filmmaker. It’s partly because Michael Shannon is in all of his films, and I’ll watch anything that man does at this point, but Nichols has shown himself to be a nuanced and compelling storyteller with an excellent command of both atmosphere and tone. It’s this skilled storytelling and another strong performance from Shannon that make Midnight Special worth watching, even if it’s all in service of a story that becomes pretty dumb by the time we find out what’s going on.
The basic plot is that of a father who runs away from a religious compound with his son and is soon hunted by a number of groups because of some mysterious power that his son possesses. The opening scene where they and a helping friend of the father hurriedly leave a motel room and drive away into the night is excellent and expertly sets up a low-key but involving sci-fi thriller tone. Unfortunately, the more the movie goes on, the more we find out what the son’s powers are and what his “purpose” is, and without spoiling anything, it lost me pretty quickly after the late-second act revelation. The strong cast led by Shannon and Nichols’ direction kept the movie compelling enough to get me to the finish line, but this is definitely a case of a screenplay being too ambitious for its own good.
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58. Green Room – Punk rockers vs. neo-Nazis is a premise more fitting of a sillier movie, in my opinion. Writer/director Jeremy Saulnier (who made 2014’s underrated gem “Blue Ruin”) probably knew this, and subverts it by making “Green Room” as grim and unpleasant as he possibly could. Going off of a theme from “Blue Ruin”, the deaths in this movie are often bloody, realistically brutal, and purposely sudden and anticlimactic, simultaneously being a violent movie but also anti-violence. Saulnier’s technical aptitude and the talents of the cast are never in question, and the movie itself is quite gripping and well-paced. I don’t think “Green Room” is as good or thematically rich as “Blue Ruin”, and the ending is a bit of a letdown, but it’s still a well-made and clever genre flick, and if you enjoy feeling like shit and averting your eyes from the screen then it’s the movie for you.
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57. Eye in the Sky – A government joint-operation to kill some high-ranking terrorists in Kenya via a drone strike is halted when a little local girl enters the kill-radius. The story is told from the perspective of a ground recon team trying to get her out, the drone pilots, and the military brass and government officials who argue about whether the strike is justified and should be carried out. It has a good setup and a pretty powerful climax, but drags quite a bit in the middle portion where those in charge of the operation keep referring up to their superiors to figure out if they can/should/will fire the missile. The cast, in particular the late, great Alan Rickman as a weary general, are good enough to get you through the duller bits of the movie, and it’s really nice to see Barkhad Abdi in a movie again. While it could have trimmed some of its excess fat, “Eye in the Sky” is a tense, compelling thriller, and a much more mature and responsible examination of the consequences of drone warfare than “London Has Fallen”, albeit much less entertaining.
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56. Sully – You’ve got to give Clint Eastwood credit. For a guy in his mid 80’s, he sure is prolific these days, regularly cranking out solid movies every year or two. In retelling the events of the “Miracle on the Hudson” passenger plane water landing from a years beack “Sully” continues that tradition by being good. Not great, but good. Tom Hanks makes for a fine lead, Aaron Eckhart is decent as Hanks’ co-pilot and friend (albeit constantly overshadowed by his own glorious mustache), just about everything else is meh. The highlight of the movie is the water landing itself, shown 3 times at different points from the perspectives of an air traffic controller, the passengers, and finally the cockpit. These scenes are intense and pretty harrowing, dodgy CGI aside. The rest of the movie is either the lead-up to the flight, or the aftermath where Captain Sully deals with the mental trauma from the incident and contends with a federal investigative committee that easily wins the award for “Most Obvious Strawmen of the Year”. Whatever. The film is well-made and compelling enough. As I said before, it’s good. It’s the definition of a 7/10 movie. If you’re old, like the audience during my theater showing was, you’ll probably love it. Everyone else will probably just like it. If you’re expecting something along the lines of Eastwood’s “Unforgiven” or “Letters from Iwo Jima”, you’ll be disappointed, but if you just want a solid, likable movie, this won’t Sully your expectations
I’m sorry for that one.
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55. Christine – An amazing, simultaneously magnetic but also hard-to-watch performance by Rebecca Hall as 1970’s reporter Christine Chubbuck, and a very raw portrayal of depression, but ultimately feels pointless as it says nothing about Chubbuck or her mental state, as if the film is keeping her at a distance when it should be holding us down face-first into what she was truly feeling, making the ordeal feel kind of exploitative, when you think about it. If you know her story, the scene you spend the whole movie anticipating is done excellently, however.
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54. Certain Women – MINIMALISM. It’s either your type of thing or it isn’t. “Certain Women” is three loosely-connected stories about women who live in Montana, and it’s as grounded and un-flashy as a film can get without being a home movie. It’s one of those films that’s about normal people and their everyday problems, and makes it all seem profound. To me, it worked well for the most part. I was engaged by the nicely composed cinematography and the good performances. The three stories vary in quality. Laura Dern plays a small-town lawyer who gets caught up in a hostage situation, and this is the most straightforward of the three, but also quite engaging. Michelle Williams plays a mother who wants to build her dream home in the woods but faces ambivalence from everyone in her life, and hers is the weakest story, if only because it feels so short and anticlimactic (even by this movie’s standards). 
The third story is surprisingly the best, with a ranch hand played by newcomer Lily Gladstone who forms a bond with a young law school graduate played by Kristen Stewart, and it’s an affecting and nuanced look at loneliness. Kelly Reichardt’s direction is modest and very low-key, but it’s empathetic and creates a good sense of atmosphere. This movie is also slower than watching paint dry at half-speed, lacks any overt drama and is very light on plot, so it’s one of those movies you’ll either completely love or won’t care for at all. I liked it, because I’m an edgy contrarian, and because I like a movie that gives its characters breathing room and trusts the audience to be smart enough to get their own thematic value out of it, so it’s worth your while if you’re not feeling too sleepy. Plus, there’s an adorable corgi in it, so automatic recommendation from me.
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53. Manchester by the Sea – Reading the reviews and seeing all the award nominations, you’d think this mostly plotless exploration of grief is the desperately-needed salvation of cinema. When the credits rolled, however, all that hype ended up giving me was a resounding “Wait, that’s it?”.
The film is about a Boston janitor with a tragic past whose brother dies, and he goes back to his coastal New England hometown to handle his brother’s affairs and break the news to his son. As the janitor, Casey Affleck delivers one of the best portrayals of grief I’ve ever seen. Even before you know his story, his eyes and demeanor subtly hide an ocean of pain and heartbreak, and he pulls it off so naturally you often forget you’re watching an actor. Equally as good (and possibly better) is Michelle Williams, who plays his ex-wife. The filmmaking crime of the century is only putting her in the movie for like 5-10 minutes, where focusing more on her and Affleck’s relationship would have made the movie infinitely better, in my opinion. The guy who plays Affleck’s nephew is alright, given that his and Affleck’s relationship is the core of the movie, but nothing to write home about other than one really good breakdown scene. Everyone else ranges from “passable” to “clearly acting for the first time” to “distracting cameo from Matthew Broderick”.
I don’t wish to imply that the movie fails in any major way. I wasn’t a fan of how often the movie tried to be funny (“funny” in that New England way where characters swear a lot), and there is a glaring overuse of music, but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. I suppose that outside of a small handful of powerful scenes and moments, “Manchester by the Sea” felt like it was missing that emotional gut-punch it aimed for. It peaks halfway through in a flashback where we see what made Affleck’s character the way he is, and the movie only comes close to matching it during the last scene between Affleck and Williams. Don’t get me wrong; I understand the intention of making the film understated, so as to show a realistic depiction of grief, where people kind of just continue going about life and trying to not think about it. However, it goes a bit too far in this direction, to the point where I didn’t care for the mundanity of their lives and wanted some crying and goddamn emotion. This may be an over-simplification of how I feel, but basically, the movie is 10/10 when Affleck and Williams are onscreen together, an 8/10 when it’s just Affleck, and a 5/10 or a 6/10 when it’s any other combination of actors.
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52. A Bigger Splash – Seems like it’s going to be a mature meditation on romance and desire until Ralph Fiennes shows up 5 minutes in, steals the entire fucking movie away from both the director and the rest of the cast, rubs his dick on the print, then sets it on fire while giggling to himself and dancing around naked. One of the best performances in a career filled with great performances. Movie goes downhill significantly in the last 30 or so minutes.
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51. The Love Witch – Clever satire of gender dynamics as seen through the eyes of a love-addicted femme fatale witch. PERFECTLY nails the old-school Technicolor horror/sexploitation vibe. The art design, camerawork, hair/makeup, and even the way the actors behave is spot-on. Bravo to director Anna Biller and all involved as far as the technical aspects go. Story is at first detrimentally slow and the movie is far too long, but it picks up in the second half. Feels a bit too written, as if the characters occasionally stop being themselves and become mouthpieces for the writer/director.
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50. Hardcore Henry – Let it not be said that there is no innovative filmmaking these days. Russian musician and music video director Ilya Naishuller was given a few million dollars to make a balls-to-the-wall action film filmed entirely from the first-person perspective of the main character. The most impressive thing about the stupidly-titled “Hardcore Henry” is how much mileage it manages to get out of its first-person gimmick, and how surprisingly well-made it is. Actual stunts are performed, effects are mostly practical (aside from a few bits of awful CGI), and you always feel like you’re in the body of the main character. The action scenes are fun and inventive, there’s a good deal of humor (I liked the bit with the overlapping subtitles), and Sharlto Copley gives a great performance as several incarnations of the same man with different personalities and looks. The plot is completely shit, and gets a bit too bogged down with exposition at times, but it’s never too intrusive. I suppose the biggest concern there is with this movie is if you can handle the filming technique, because the constant movement of the camera, especially during the action scenes, can give you motion sickness. I got a headache and a bit of nausea while watching it, but it could have been from the McDonald’s I had just before seeing it, so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. I think that it works much better on a small screen instead of a movie theater either way, and even while on the verge of throwing up, I had a good deal of fun with “Hardcore Henry”. If you’ve ever used a VR headset while on meth, it should give you a good idea of the experience.
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49. Hail, Caesar! – The Coen Brothers are my favorite filmmakers. So strong is their output that even their “bad” movies are good movies by any other standard. I don’t wish to imply that “Hail, Caesar!” is one of their “bad” ones, but it’s definitely on the lower end of their spectrum. The promotional material led me to believe that it would be a comic thriller about a 1950’s Hollywood fixer (a “problem solver” for studios) who teams up with a number of colorful showbiz people to rescue a kidnapped leading man. While the basic plot is there, the movie feels more like a leisurely series of vignettes about the colorful characters, loosely-connected by the fixer asking them for their help. It’s all amusing, colorful, and beautifully shot by eternal Oscars bridesmaid Roger Deakins, but it feels like it’s missing any sort of narrative thrust or stakes. The Coens don’t seem to be going for that sort of film, and it feels intentionally meandering and light, so the film is better if you go in expecting it. The writing is entertaining, but while the film is certainly hilarious in parts and never boring, some comedic bits feel stretched out for far too long (such as the scene with the religious leaders), which is unusual for the Coens.
The whole endeavor is less about plot and more about being a fun tribute-by-way-of-pisstake to Old Hollywood. It reminds me a bit of their earlier work “Barton Fink”, albeit broader, sillier, less existential, and much less cynical. We see old-fashioned editing rooms, grand movie sets, a wonderful musical number, Communism, etc. The Coen Brothers made a film that feels nostalgic towards a simpler era of filmmaking, while still acknowledging that even back then they made crap films. The biggest selling point in the movie is its’ all-star cast. I can’t remember the last time a movie had this many big-name actors attached to it. Sadly, due to the light nature of the story, a lot of them feel like glorified cameos, even if there isn’t a weak link among them. George Clooney is in top-form in the role of the kidnapped actor, the type of buffoon the Coens always seem to make him play. Channing Tatum is great as a tap-dancing musical star. Completely stealing the show is up-and-comer Aldren Ehrenreich, who plays a dopey but sweet cowboy actor, and who is so naturally funny, likable and charismatic here that I don’t have a single doubt about him becoming huge in the near future.
It just goes to show that even a lesser Coen Bros. film is still vastly better than the best work by most directors. While slow and kind of pointless overall, “Hail, Caesar!” is still a funny, gorgeous, and charming homage to the Hollywood Golden Age, one that rewards attention and repeated viewings, and welcomes them as well.
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48. Finding Dory – Not on par with “WALL-E” or “Up”, but entertaining and nicely emotional. Feels like a welcome return to form for Pixar after so many years of disappointments. Bonus points for being the good kind of sequel, one that not only works on its own but actually adds new dimension to the original. Kind of disappointing, because before seeing the movie I was all ready to say “Finding Dory? More like FOUND IT BORING”. Nice message about family and taking care of a family member with special needs. Looking forward to “Finding Marlin”, where we see Marlin as an alcoholic going through a midlife crisis as he tries to singlehandedly raise a crippled son and his mentally handicapped friend.
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47. Deadpool – One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is characters breaking the fourth-wall. I don’t mind a film being cheeky, but a movie occasionally pausing itself to acknowledge that it’s a movie annoys me to no end. I say this because “Deadpool” actually does fourth-wall breaking right, making it a key part of the humor and tone and story rather than an occasional “look at how clever and ironic we are” moment.
One would think because of this that “Deadpool” is just an endless series of self-referential jokes. It mostly is, but thankfully there’s an actual story, a bicycle for all the colorful tassels to hang on. Don’t get me wrong; the story is generic as hell. It’s still your typical superhero origin story, albeit one helped greatly by the nonlinear structure, alluding to Deadpool as an unreliable narrator. Also helping is a surprisingly engaging romance aspect, thanks to Ryan Reynolds’ and Morena Baccarin’s great chemistry and that the romance is a key part of the main character’s motivations (and that the girl feels like an actual character, not just a crowbarred-in love interest like almost every other comic book movie). One of the best scenes in the film is a montage of them “celebrating” various holidays.
Reynolds is perfectly cast as Wade Wilson, a role that his whole career since “Van Wilder” has been building towards. He effortlessly captures the character’s smarminess and gallows humor, but also makes him just likable enough to root for. Baccarin shows enough personality and comic timing that I certainly won’t mind seeing her having a bigger role in the sequel. The action sequences are the highlights. Tim Miller (in his directing debut) shows a clear aptitude for this, making the fight scenes bloody, funny, and visually creative, doing more with $60 million than most directors can do with $200 million.
Your enjoyment of “Deadpool” will come from whether you like its sense of humor. Given the sheer amount of jokes the film flings at the wall, a number of them are going to fall flat. However, to me a lot of them did land, and the movie is quite funny despite being a bit too in love with itself, and any comedy film that doesn’t give away its best jokes in the trailer (especially with a marketing campaign like this film had) is worthy of a recommendation in my eyes.
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46. Blood Father – This is the best Liam Neeson movie that Liam Neeson never made. The action is tense and hard-hitting, the cast is good, and the movie is a very lean and efficient 88 minutes. However, there’s some distractingly bad editing at times, the plot is typical Liam Neeson fare (daughter is in trouble with criminals and seeks out her estranged ex-con dad to help out) and the dialogue is pretty wonky and overly reliant on swearing. Also, the girl is fairly annoying, but I suppose it suits her character so I won’t judge her too much for it. What makes the movie work is Mel Gibson’s performance. Looking increasingly like a shredded, captivity-era Saddam Hussein, Gibson is a volcano almost constantly on the verge of eruption. He plays a pissed-off man better than anyone, but he also showcases a good deal of humor and heart, able to convey more with his demeanor than most actors can with an entire monologue. Plus, watching him bite a guy’s ear off before head-butting him repeatedly is great fun. While Gibson is definitely better than the film’s B-movie material, he sells the hell out of it, elevating everything around him and making up for a lot of the movie’s flaws (you get the feeling it’d be much better if he directed it, as well). “Blood Father” is not quite the Mel Gibson renaissance-marking comeback I keep hoping for, but it’s good enough to recommend. Here’s hoping we don’t have to wait another few years to be reminded how great of an actor he is. Can’t quell the Mel.
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45. The Brothers Grimsby (AKA Grimsby) - It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a comedy from Sacha Baron Cohen. His stuff other than “Borat” has gotten a mixed reception, but I’ve always felt that that as a comic he has excellent timing and creativity, and even when not doing his famous “interacting with real people while in character” routine, the guy knows how to put together a joke. In a comedy world filled increasingly with endless cameos and cringe-worthy improv humor, it’s relieving to see a comedian that can still write a solid gag and perform it well.
Cohen plays Nobby, a trashy but kind-hearted English football hooligan who lives in Grimsby, a town so squalid that on a sign it says that its sister city is Chernobyl. He’s spent decades searching for his long-lost younger brother Sebastian (played by Mark Strong), and upon finally finding him he discovers that Sebastian is a highly-trained secret agent who is involved in stopping an elaborate terror attack. Naturally, shenanigans ensue which results in the two brothers teaming together to save the world. The plot is basically “What if James Bond had a fuckup brother?”
Some of the humor is as gross-out as it can get, getting plenty of use out of genitals and bodily fluids (there’s one sequence involving elephants that I don’t think I’ll ever forget). Quite a bit of the humor is based around English class differences, which may go over the head of American audiences, but I quite enjoyed. And some is just tastelessness and over-the-top comedic violence. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but I found myself surprised at how much did. There’s a good deal of set-ups and payoffs to the jokes, which I found refreshing, like someone actually spent time to craft the comedy in this film. I’ll say that I laughed pretty often, and I was never less than amused. Strong and Cohen have excellent chemistry together, and the film is at its best when it focuses on the two and their exchanges, with Strong proving to be an excellent straight-man to Cohen’s ridiculousness. It even has a nice little subplot about the two brothers bonding and coming to terms with why they were initially separated that even pays off during the climax.
The movie is a little over 80-minutes and moves at such a fast pace that even if a certain gag doesn’t work, it quickly moves past it. The trade-off to this is that when a gag does work, it’s not given much time to play out. I full-heartedly believe that brevity is the soul of wit, and it’s not a huge issue, but I do wish some of the jokes had a bit of breathing space. Probably the movie’s biggest sin is completely wasting its supporting cast. Penelope Cruz, Isla Fisher, Rebel Wilson, and Ian McShane all feel like bit players who are there just for plot purposes. Maybe that was intentional, to play the film like a straight-faced James Bond film with Cohen there to single-handedly derail it, but why cast talented, well-known actors in such useless bit parts?
I still recommend the film for being genuinely, unapologetically funny, and while a lot of its jokes are in bad taste, they never feel mean-spirited or overly edgy. They come from Cohen’s desire to shock you into laughing, but it feels self-aware and innocent enough that you’re more amused and bewildered rather than offended. Still, if gags about AIDS, incest, bestiality, casual gun violence, lower-class scum, and things being shoved into asses don’t sit well with you, then “The Brothers Grimsby” is not the bland, PG-13, all-inclusive safe-space you want, you precious snowflake.
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44. Operation Avalanche – Starts off slowly and ploddingly but before long, it overcomes its’ potentially-gimmicky premise and occasionally unconvincing façade to become a surprisingly engaging and creative foray into “historical” found-footage bolstered by writer/director/star Matt Johnson’s deft storytelling and clear passion for filmmaking, with an unexpectedly excellent car chase to boot.
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43. Loving – Jeff Nichols’ “Loving” is an account of Richard and Mildred Loving, an interracial couple who were arrested and then exiled for being married in 1950’s Virginia, and whose case to return home eventually went all the way to the Supreme Court. Given the material and the convenient title, you’d think this was blatant Oscar-bait all the way through, but for the most part it’s not. Jeff Nichols’ empathetic direction and the strong, restrained performances by Joel Edgerton and Ruth Negga as the two leads make this film feel human instead of exploitative. Nichols makes an interesting choice to keep the movie very personal and focused on the couple, with the broader Civil Rights Movement only briefly mentioned. I actually liked this approach as it makes you feel the pain and struggle and love of the characters first, and then by extension see how damaging prejudices (both institutional and personal) can be to people.
The film doesn’t completely escape Oscar-bait trappings, however. It still has the comedy-actor-playing-a-dramatic-role in the form of Nick Kroll as the ACLU lawyer assigned to the Lovings. He’s not bad or anything, but he feels a bit distracting and the role doesn’t amount to much. The music is fine, but it still has those corny inspirational cues at moments of triumph and perseverance, places where I think silence would have been much more effective. My biggest complaint is that it’s a Jeff Nichols movie and Michael Shannon is only in it for one scene. It's an important and good one, but you really wish he’d be in the movie more or maybe that’s just me because I LOVE MICHAEL SHANNON, HOLY SHIT. I've come to the conclusion that the quality of a Jeff Nichols film is often in direct proportion to how much Michael Shannon is in it (seriously, go see "Take Shelter" if you haven't already).
The best part of “Loving” is the two leads, who share a quiet but powerful chemistry, both of them reserved people whose love for each other you can feel in the littlest gestures and who don’t need any obvious histrionics or even words to show their feelings to the audience. It’s the solid core that makes the movie good, elegantly guided by Jeff Nichols’ confident and mature direction, even if the rest of it isn’t all that remarkable. Not quite a “Loving” for me, but eaily a “Liking”.
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42. Deepwater Horizon - I’ve liked Peter Berg as a director ever since his underrated action-comedy “The Rundown”, starring The Rock back when he was still billed as “The Rock”. He shows an aptitude for action, pacing, and getting good performances out of his actors, but lately, he’s had a really bad case of hero worship. This, “Patriot’s Day” and “Lone Survivor” all have a frankly fetishistic view of real-life bravery, all ending in a text commending the bravery of those involved and including the names of victims, etc. This always felt like a cheap trick to me, one meant to elicit tears and nods of approval from middle-aged audience members who don’t go to the movies that often, rather than properly characterize his heroes. He gets around this somewhat by casting good actors who are likable enough that we care for them in spite of the weak writing and schlocky sense of patriotism. It all just feels weirdly exploitative of the real-life tragedies that the films depict.
As for the movie itself, it’s quite good. It starts with the prerequisite buildup on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, showing negligence on the part of some of the management and the BP executives (read: strawmen), while showing the intelligence on display by the regular, blue-collar engineers and oil rig workers. I don’t deny that things were actually like this (truthfully, I don’t care enough to look it up), but it does feel pretty clichĂ©d in movie form. Then the disaster hits, and there’s a solid 40-or-so minutes of the rig blowing up while the crew scramble to try to contain the situation and evacuate. This part is great. Berg’s technical skill is on full display, helping you follow the characters and what’s going on despite a lot of them speaking in mostly technical terms and the setting feeling like being trapped in a maze that’s on fire. It’s fantastically gripping, edge-of-your-seat stuff, helped by the theater-shaking sound design and convincing visual effects.  The film ends with some tearful family reunions and heart-wrenching breakdowns when the survivors get back home. I’ll say that if I walked out of the film RIGHT after the screen faded to black, I would have a higher opinion about it.
If you like or at least don’t mind the hero-worship stuff, I’ll say that Deepwater Horizon is one of the year’s best-crafted thrillers, a disaster movie where the disaster actually feels scary and real as opposed to the dumb fun of something like “San Andreas”. I’m not against paying respects to the dead or to the bravery involved, but I think it should be done within the context of the film and the script, not forcing the audience to stay an extra five-minutes as some sort of memorial service that we paid money to attend.
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41. Rams – This film is about a pair of Icelandic brothers who own neighboring sheep farms. They haven’t spoken to each other for 40 years due to implied but never explicitly-stated petty squabbles and stubborn jealousy, but are forced to work together to save their sheep when their flocks suffer from an outbreak of scrapie, a fatal degenerative disease that affects sheep and goats. This film is very affecting, low-key filmmaking, deftly handling heartbreaking drama, touching bonding, and even some surprisingly funny (albeit-bleak) comedy such as a scene where one character transports another to a hospital. It makes great use of the “show, don’t tell” filmmaking rule. Many scenes have little to no dialogue, but all serve a purpose in terms of plot or characterization or insight. The plot of sheep farmers trying to protect their flock may seem like a hard-to-relate-to storyline, but the film has universal themes of family and loss, and its observant and sympathetic storytelling makes the film accessible to anyone, even if they aren’t familiar with sheep mating procedures.
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40. Kubo and the Two Strings - Laika has always been an overlooked animation studio, most known for making the wonderfully creepy “Coraline”, but finding little success in terms of box office even while their films are all quite good. Take “Kubo and the Two Strings”, a flawed but highly original and absolutely stunningly animated film that only managed to make a little over its production budget back, while “Zootopia” made over a billion dollars. Such is life.
The film itself is about a one-eyed boy named Kubo who is hunted by a vengeful demon and must team up with a magical monkey statue and a beetle-man to find some mystical MacGuffins that can help defeat it. It starts out very well, showing the boy’s daily routine of using his magic guitar and origami to tell stories to the local villagers. After shit goes inevitably down, it’s still quite compelling for a while, bringing a melancholy flavor to the boy’s journey and his interaction with his two companions. The problem is that the actual plot is pretty uninteresting, especially after the predictable late second-act plot twist, and while I can appreciate that the conflict resolution in the third act doesn’t just end by one character beating up another, the actual manner in which it’s resolved is pretty dumb.
The reason to see “Kubo and the Two Strings” is its gorgeous stop-motion animation. I had to smack my mouth a few times to remind myself that I wasn’t looking at high-quality CGI. It’s reassuring to learn that Laika is owned by the billionaire former CEO of Nike, so the studio isn’t exactly hurting for cash and can continue to focus on making their original and creative and beautiful movies without needing to dumb them down for most audiences, but it’s still a little depressing when good, accessible films fail to find their audience. While flawed (and nowhere near as good as “Coraline”), “Kubo and the Two Strings” is worth checking out if you love stop-motion animation as much as I do and you’re just waiting for the next Aardman film to come out.
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39. April and the Extraordinary World - In an industry almost completely dominated by 3D CGI-animated films, it’s somewhat refreshing to come across a traditionally-animated 2D film. “April and the Extraordinary World” is a French film set in an alternate-history 1940’s where the world’s foremost scientists of the past several decades have gone missing, causing crucial technological innovation to not happen and for the world to continue relying on coal and eventually wood-burning steam power. In a world on the brink of war for resources, April is a young French woman whose parents are two of the missing scientists, and we follow her and her talking cat Darwin as they attempt to solve the mystery behind the disappearances.
I want to start off by mentioning the art style. The characters are the simple but expressive beady-eyed 2D people you’d expect from European animation, but the design of the bleak steampunk world and the technology is amazing. However, and this is what I really like about the film, while it shows how cool-looking steampunk technology can be, it also criticizes it for being completely retarded and impractical and damaging to both the environment and to people, cosplayers be damned (Europe is completely treeless and characters have to wear gas masks if they’re outdoors for too long). The characters (especially the talking cat) are spunky, entertaining, and even have their fair share of depth. The film carries a nice message about using science and optimism instead of violence and negativity to solve the world’s problems. This feels more like the film that “Tomorrowland” should have been, before it got Lindelof’d.
However, it does have kind of the same problem that “Tomorrowland” did, in that the third act gets pretty stupid. It’s certainly not as bad or as nonsensical as it was in that film, and while the plot twist and eventual revelation are actually built towards instead of just dumped on us, it does get rather silly and I sort of lost interest. Without spoiling too much, it does end up relying on that tiresome “in order to save humanity, we have to destroy it” sci-fi clichĂ© that was dumb even back when “The Terminator” did it.
Still, on the whole, I was surprised by how much I liked “April and the Extraordinary World”. While it certainly loses some steam near the end (pun originally unintended), it’s still engaging and surprisingly entertaining enough for the duration of its running time to warrant a recommendation.
Note: If you can, see the French-dubbed version. The English voice actors are good, but the movie and lip-sync feel off by not being in their original language. For the record, this is the only time I’ll ever say that something (other than bread) is improved by being French.
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38. Mascots – To me, a mark of a good comedy is if it makes me laugh a lot. By that criteria, Christopher Guest’s latest mockumentary about a professional mascot competition and its participants is a good comedy. There’s not much to say about this film if you’re familiar with Guest’s other improv-heavy comedy films, and structurally it’s very similar to “Best in Show”. It’s not as good as that gem, partly because it feels like a more manufactured scenario, a parody of a part of culture and a competition that doesn’t feel real in the first place (as opposed to the biting satire of the very real world of professional dog-shows), and partly because Fred Willard is only in this for like 5-10 minutes instead of 40-45. Guest regulars Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara’s absences are also felt.
Still, what I like about Guest’s style of comedy that I despise about the Judd Apatow/SNL style of improv is the timing. He knows how to edit his jokes and his characters to keep them funny, and he knows when to let a joke go, as opposed to letting it linger and rot. The fact that he doesn’t write screenplays or hold any rehearsals for himself and his cast pretty much means that he films them performing improv and leaves in whatever is funny. Despite the aforementioned absences, the cast here is still great (with standout performances by Parker Posey, Susan Yeagley, and the guy who fucks from “Silicon Valley”), the movie has plenty of laughs and a surprising amount of poignancy and sweetness, and some of the actual mascot routines in the latter half of the movie are both hilarious and even breathtaking, particularly one involving an expressionist modern-dance about feminism and art in an armadillo costume.
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37. The Accountant - One of the most entertainingly uneven films I’ve seen in a long time, “The Accountant” tries to be a character study, a corporate thriller, an operator-style action film, a family drama, a quirky comedy, a PSA about autism, and it even flirts with being an odd-couple romance. It never really comes together in the traditional sense, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a blast watching it try.
The plot is about an autistic accountant who in his secret-life uncooks finances for some of the world’s most dangerous people, and how a seemingly simple assignment in auditing a robotics firm becomes dangerous and blah-blah-blah. This movie has far too much plot and little of it is worth caring about. Where it works surprisingly well is in the character study of the main character, Christian Wolff (who sounds like a name belonging to a character in a cheap erotic novel you can find in airport shops). You see his upbringing, the circumstances that led him to his current career, and his routines in trying to deal with life with high-functioning autism. I (cheekily) said from the start that Ben Affleck is perfect casting for an ass-kicking autist but he’s actually, genuinely, unironically good in a committed and fleshed-out performance that wouldn’t feel out of place in a more serious movie about adults with autism.
In trying to do the other aspects, however, the movie kind of falls apart. The first act is a mostly straightforward setup that you could be forgiven for thinking that it won’t even be a thriller. Wolff’s awkward bluntness around neuro-typicals is played for mild chuckles, because of course it is. Only at the end of it do we see that he’s a badass operator once he’s betrayed and people try to kill him. The second act where a government agent played by J.K. Simmons gives us a 10-minute exposition dump is pretty dull. There’s a hint of some romance between Wolff and a young accountant whose life he saved played by Anna Kendrick, but thankfully it’s never fully realized (“Gosh, I find your lack of social development and the way you cleanly killed the men who attacked me soooo sexy.”)
It’s only in the third act where he goes out to get the people who are after him where the movie becomes a wonderful nirvana of schlock, the “John Wick meets Rain Man” asploitation I hoped it would be. I’m not going to spoil too much, but it has the two funniest plot twists of any film this year, a solid 5 minutes where a caretaker at a home for autistic children gives a PSA about caring for people with disabilities, and a hilarious and completely unnecessary villainous monologue for the ages, courtesy of a paycheck-loving John Lithgow. My only complaint at that point were that there were no accounting-related one-liners in the film, including but not limited to:
- I just depreciated YOUR LIFE
- Don't write me off as a loss just yet
- They must be held accountable
- She's becoming a liability
- He's likes torturing people. He's accrual man
- A character named General Ledger
I don’t know. I chose a dull major, alright?
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36. Moonlight – ClichĂ©d dialogue and an annoying tendency to skip over some important/interesting events in the main character’s life, but empathetic performances, a great cast, and a good understanding and balance of the movie’s story and its’ theme of identity. I’m a bit of a tough nut to crack, emotionally speaking, so I feel like the subtle approach from this movie didn’t affect me as much as it did the many people who hail this film as the Second Coming of Christ.
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35. Kill Zone 2 – Insane, jaw-dropping, balls-to-the-wall fight scenes that are too often hampered or outright interrupted by that silly and intrusive “plot” nonsense that unfortunately characterizes most post-Jackie Hong Kong kung-fu films. Still, any film that has Tony Jaa doing a flying double knee through a bus windshield and into the driver gets a recommendation from me.
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34. Anthropoid – “War is not romantic”.
I’ve always held a soft spot for well-made genre films, and “Anthropoid”, a World War II thriller that, despite a title and poster that look like they belong to some sci-fi horror movie, is certainly that. “Anthropoid” is about a historical real-life mission by the Czech Resistance to assassinate a high-ranking Nazi official in occupied Prague. What I like about this movie is how solemn it is. None of the good guys are clear-eyed heroes who live happily ever after. These are anxious, grimly-professional saboteurs. Most of the resistance members question over whether killing one man is worth the possible consequences it would bring to the Czech people, while the two leads soldier on, determined to follow their orders. Cillian Murphy and the guy from “50 Shades of Grey” (Jamie Dornan) make for a likable pair of leads, and the characters feel human instead of movie-ish. Even during their romances with two local Prague women, it feels less like forced Hollywood trite and more like people trying to comfort each other in a hopelessly bleak environment.
The movie starts slow, but builds well to the more thrilling stuff. Interestingly (minor spoiler), the assassination attempt only occurs halfway through the movie, with the second half being the fallout and repercussions. A more generic movie would have ended with the assassination, before including text commending the bravery of the Czech Resistance and how their mission was successful, but “Anthropoid” instead shows and talks about the horrible things the Nazis did in retaliation, including killing thousands of Czech civilians, before showing what happens to the Resistance members involved in the assassination. I won’t ruin it, but the last half-hour of the movie is pretty devastating stuff.
There’s nothing particularly wrong with Anthropoid, as long as you don’t mind the slow build. It doesn’t really strive for greatness or deep meaning in any way. It’s just a well-made, well-acted, tense, bleak, and morally grey look at an important event in World War II and how it (and war in general) affects people. Bonus points for the cast actually making an effort to speak with Czech accents, instead of the usual historical non-British movie done entirely with British accents.
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33. The Siege of Jadotville – Hey, speaking of solid genre flicks starring Jamie Dornan! I love a good war film, so when I heard that when Netflix produced one set during the Congo Crisis of the 1960’s, a refreshing change from the usual “popular” wars like WWII, ‘Nam, and Iraq/Afghanistan, my ears perked up. The plot is about an Irish company of UN peacekeepers who are sent to the tiny town of Jadotville in the resource-rich Congo during a period of upheaval and civil war. Murky politics and other UN operations in the area make things worse, and in retaliation the rebel government and French/Belgian mercenaries send a massive force to attack the isolated Irish troops.
There’s about 40 minutes of setup, in which we see the soldiers (led by Dornan), most of them still teenagers, at home before they get shipped off, we get a broad overview of the political climate in the Congo, including the coup leader and the UN representative sent to assist the central government (played by a shitty hairpiece with a Mark Strong attached to it), as well as the situation that led to tits going up for the peacekeepers. The remaining hour of the movie is the titular week-long siege, with the Irish defending a tactically disadvantaged position with limited food, ammo, and water against a very numerically superior enemy.
All of this is very well-crafted, with good pacing and editing, especially during the battle scenes, which are tense, harrowing, and filmed in a way that you actually get a solid idea of the geography of the siege. History, and even the movie at one point, both say that there were 150 UN troops at Jadotville, but it never seems like there's more than a few dozens of them. It's not a huge issue, but a little distracting.
The characters are pretty thin, with only a handful of the soldiers actually having names, and the writing is nothing special. It’s efficient in the sense that it gets the necessary information across and doesn’t intrude on the story, but it does have the usual clichĂ©s you see in a war film. The soldiers are portrayed as brave, noble, and heroic, while the UN leaders and generals are shown as callous, selfish, and incompetent. After some reading into the history, I found that this is not untrue, but it still feels like a conventional audience-pleasing dynamic. To the film’s credit however, it does a nice job of showing how morally grey the conflict was, without really claiming moral superiority for either side, but still makes you care for the UN soldiers at the heart of it. Even the trademark ending text is done tastefully and respectfully.
If you want a compelling, well-crafted war film and have a Netflix subscription, then “The Siege of Jadotville” is worth checking out. Between this and “Anthropoid”, Jamie Dornan has proven himself a capable (and wonderfully mustached) leading man, and in my eyes has done a good job getting his reputation back to “respectable” after “Fifty Shades of Grey” and...oh, there's two sequels to it coming out? Well, here's hoping for more good war films from the lad afterwards.
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32. Doctor Strange – Same-old shit from Marvel, in terms of writing and story, but at least contains enough beautiful visuals and creativity to take away a good deal of the staleness. Bonus points for having a climax that is the exact opposite of a typical superhero destruction-fest.
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31. The Magnificent Seven – At a film festival like TIFF, which is mainly meant for foreign, independent, arthouse films and prestige pictures, “The Magnificent Seven”, a remake of John Sturges’ 1960 original and an unapologetic, old-fashioned Western, stands out. As a genre-film aficionado, that appealed to me enough that I saw this movie even though it would come out in theaters a few weeks later.
And I’m glad I did. “The Magnificent Seven” is just plain, loud, over-the-top fun. If you see the trailer, the movie is exactly what you think it’ll be like. A woman seeks frontier justice against the power-hungry coal baron who terrorizes her town and murdered her husband, and pays a bounty hunter (Denzel Washington, who looks like he was born to play a cowboy in this movie) to go after him. He recruits 6 more outlaws, killers, and warriors to aid him in his quest to protect the honest townsfolk from the evil businessman and his army. Whiskey is drunk, guns are drawn, banter is exchanged, and lots of people get shot and blown up. Antoine Fuqua (an expert in making solid genre flicks) keeps the movie paced well, gives the characters breathing space to flesh out a bit, and makes the action loud, exciting, and well-filmed. No shaky-cam bullshit here, just good, efficient filmmaking with lots of nice Western vistas.
The cast is strong, especially Washington and Chris Pratt (who I worried would be out of place but acquits himself well here), along with solid supporting players. The writing is nothing special, but gets the job done, although there are some unfortunate missed opportunities at character development and payoffs, especially when it comes to Ethan Hawke’s (fabulously named) Goodnight Robicheaux, a former Confederate sharpshooter who hung up his guns. Also, a minor issue, but the film severely overplays how effective a mid-19th century gatling gun is.
There’s nothing altogether remarkable about this remake from a quality standpoint, but in a year filled with failed reboots and sequels and unremarkable superhero films, a good, solid personality-filled Western shoot-em-up about a multicultural team of badasses teaming up against the evil establishment is more than a welcome breath of fresh air.
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30. Everybody Wants Some!! - Richard Linklater’s spiritual sequel to “Dazed and Confused” feels very much like a Richard Linklater film. There’s not much plot; it’s just about a college freshman baseball player and his team’s escapades over the weekend before the semester starts in the fall of 1980, as they hang out, go party, try to get laid, and attend their first practice. There’s no real structure to this film. It’s meandering in typical Linklater fashion, where the movie is more about the characters, the setting, and the dialogue. If you don’t mind this sort of thing, “Everybody Wants Some!!” is a very enjoyable movie. The characters and performances are on point, the banter is entertaining, the music is great (used especially well during a scene where the characters drive around town singing “Rapper’s Delight”) and even when Linklater waxes philosophical as he sometimes tends to, it feels less pretentious and more like the characters being themselves. When they talk about life, man, they’re often drunk or high or sleep-deprived, which feels like a nice bit of self-awareness from Linklataer. It even gets a bit inspirational at times, as the themes of finding out your identity and place in life and making the most of your short time on this Earth hits home surprisingly well. Funny, charming, and likable in every way that “Boyhood” wasn’t, “Everybody Wants Some!!” marks a welcome return to form for Richard Linklater, which is amazing considering it didn’t even take TWELVE YEARS to make.
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29. Love & Friendship – Not being a big fan of hoity-toity costume dramas and having never read any of Jane Austen’s work, I really didn’t think this Austen adaptation would appeal to me. However, following the initial 10-15 minutes where my brain adjusted to the Regency-era English, I found that I really enjoyed this film. It’s a comedy of manners centered on a widowed socialite (played by the never-better Kate Beckinsale), a cunning and manipulative woman who is well-known as the best flirt in London, and her attempts to get her daughter married to a wealthy suitor as she herself juggles those in her social circles. I found myself loving the barbed interplay between well-written characters. The cast is uniformly excellent, with a strong performance by Beckinsale and a show-stealing turn from Tom Bennett as a wealthy but utterly gormless suitor, the kind of man who keeps talking even when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and who is completely enchanted by the “tiny green balls” at dinner (peas). The whole movie is kind of plotless, with very little narrative drive and it feels like important character developments are often skimmed over (two characters have a pleasant conversation in one scene and are married like, 5 minutes later). The whole movie feels very light, albeit very watchable. Watch it for the excellent cast, the lovely sets and costumes, and for the genuinely hilarious writing, but don’t expect to be all that invested in what happens. The whole thing feels like a dinner party with much wittier and politer versions of your extended family, albeit just as catty and spiteful.
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28. Captain America: Civil War - By now most people have acknowledged the problems with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. While most are solid superhero flicks, they all feel kind of safe and sterile, films marked-tested to appeal to as large an audience as possible. While this leaves less room for error, it also limits how good they can become. If all you want is good actors wearing ridiculous costumes punching each other and destroy expensive CGI environments while mumbling groan-worthy quips, the MCU has got you covered. Those of us who want them to approach something like Raimi’s Spider-Man films or Nolan’s first two Batman films are often left wanting. Sometimes it has gotten better than the norm. The first half of “Captain America: The First Avenger” was excellent before it became kind of a rushed mess in the second. Shane Black’s “Iron Man 3” felt like the only genuinely auteur-driven film in the whole MCU (if only because so much of the humor is based on what Black and Downey Jr. accomplished in “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”). “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” is still the high point of the MCU, a terrific and surprisingly character-driven action thriller that barely felt like a superhero flick. The point I’m laboriously trying to get to is that while “Civil War” for the most part takes itself seriously and actually approaches “Winter Soldier” levels of greatness, it can’t help but fall back on the lame, quippy, fanboy-masturbating sameness that has defined this cinematic universe since Joss Whedon first got involved with the franchise.
The plot is that a mysterious man frames Captain America’s friend Bucky for a terrorist attack, while Tony Stark feels guilty about collateral damage caused by the Avengers’ various battles and wants to sign some UN accord to make the Avengers government regulated, and tries to hunt Cap down when he goes rogue to try and protect Bucky. It’s pretty convoluted stuff if you’re not already caught up on the franchise, but not too difficult to follow. My main concern going into this film was that it’d be more of an “Avengers” film than a “Captain America” film. Cap’s films have a good track record, while the two Avengers movies are kinda crap. Thankfully, the heavy focus is on Cap and his efforts to protect Bucky from an increasingly hostile and angry Tony Stark. Despite what the marketing tries to say, the whole UN accord business feels minor at best, only there for a #WhoseSideAreYouOn hashtag to appease the autists who want their precious comic-book to be faithfully adapted. The story is surprisingly engaging, and while the aforementioned mysterious man is the real villain and does an effective job, the role of antagonist is actually filled really well by Iron Man. The characters are given enough room that pretty much everyone in the ensemble gets a moment to shine, the pacing is good, and (despite the Russo Brothers’ annoying use of shaky-cam and fast editing) the action scenes are solid and actually serve a purpose. It was almost a great “Captain America” film. And then Spider-Man shows up.
Spider-Man was added to this film halfway through filming due to Marvel striking a deal with Sony Pictures for the rights to the character, and his crowbarring into the movie is really obvious. There’s a whole half-hour of the movie that he’s in, where from introduction to the big punch-up at the airport to his exit, it feels like a completely different film, filled with the aforementioned light-hearted quippy humor that pretty much completely dissolves all tension, momentum, and conflict that movie had done a pretty good job building up to that point. It’s not bad in and of itself, but it feels like it suddenly became an “Avengers” movie, a big-budget re-enactment of a 10-year-old boy playing with his action figures. The only reason I don’t despise this part of the movie is because it at least has a few genuinely funny moments (most of them courtesy of Paul Rudd’s Ant-Man). The film recovers fairly well from this, and actually serves up a strong and pretty emotional climax that isn’t just wanton CGI destruction, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth, like I was bukkake’d by neo-nerd hipsters while sleeping and managed to clean myself off but the stains on my soul remained.
Look, I’ve said a bunch of negative (and some disgusting) things about this movie and the MCU in general, but “Civil War” is overall a good movie. The character work is strong, it’s occasionally funny, the cast is mostly terrific, and it’s definitely in the upper-echelon of this franchise. But the things that hold this series back (the sameness, the dull visuals, the lack of stakes, circlejerking, etc.) hold this movie back as well. Who knows? Once they’re done with this phase of the MCU, they can actually start to experiment and not just make the same kind of movie over and over, because let’s face it; people will come see these anyway. Hell, give me a She-Hulk movie directed by David Lynch, or a blaxploitation-style origin story about Nick Fury starring Michael Jai White, or a musical romantic-comedy about Squirrel Girl directed by George Miller. I don’t know. I’d rather see any of those than ANOTHER GODDAMN SPIDER-MAN REBOOT.
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27. Train to Busan – Pretty much what you’d expect, plot and character-wise, from a zombie movie, but damned if South Korea doesn’t possess some of the finest film directors in the world, and Yeon Sang-Ho brings his A-game to revitalize an appropriately undead genre. Great cast, intense and creative set-pieces, and a nicely emotional focus on character. I’m not Korean, so I’m not sure if there’s any satire or message involved (the film does seem like a pretty accurate depiction of South Korea when StarCraft II servers go down). Somewhat dragged down by iffy CGI and the hair-pulling stupidity and dickheadedness of main human antagonist, who makes “The Walking Dead” Season 2-era Shane seem like a rational and believable fellow.
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26. Fences – Little more than a filmed play, but a well-filmed one bolstered by good writing and knockout performances from Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. About 20 minutes too long.
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25. Arrival - Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has been making quite the reputation for himself in recent years for his mature and well-crafted thrillers. While I find his movies just a touch overrated, I do admire a lot in them, from the technical craft to his ability to command strong performances out of all of his actors. This year’s “Arrival” continues that trend, marking his most mature film to date and one of the extremely rare mainstream hard science-fiction movies to come out these days. This is not a movie about laser battles and space explosions and sticking your tongue down the throats of hot human-looking alien babes (I’m excited for “Mass Effect: Andromeda”, alright?), but about communication.
Several banana-shaped alien spacecraft touch down at random points around the earth without any apparent motive or pattern, and countries around the globe bring experts together to try and communicate with them. The plot centers around linguistics professor Amy Adams, who is brought in by the military along with a physicist played by Jeremy Renner to head into the alien craft in America to try and set up communications with the aliens. It’s a neat perspective to see one of these alien contact movies from someone trying to understand them rather than fight them, and Amy Adams turns in another strong performance as a woman who is experiencing a personal crisis while being at the very center of a worldwide phenomenon. The rest of the cast is good too, but this is her movie to command, and she does so with ease.
While Villeneuve no longer has Roger Deakins as director of photography to rely on, he and his new DP Bradford Young make this a very strikingly beautiful movie, filled with bleak subdued colors but with an astonishing sense of scale. The scene where Amy Adams enters the alien craft for the first time is outstanding, with the camera work, lighting, and environment doing a genuinely amazing job conveying how
well, alien the ship feels. I also like the design of the aliens themselves (a sort-of cross between the facehuggers from “Alien” and the Reapers from “Mass Effect”), a refreshing change from the humanoid aliens you typically see in sci-fi.
The plot is surprisingly brainy, primarily concerned with the process of establishing of communication and later a very different perception of time and choice from how we typically perceive them. It’s not too difficult to wrap your head around this stuff, but you do have to pay attention, because this isn’t a movie that dumbs itself down or holds your hand.
As much as I admire and enjoyed the movie, I do have a criticism, and it’s that the whole thing feels
cold. I don’t just mean the color palette or the really strong air conditioning in the theater where I watched it. I mean emotionally cold. I’ve heard a lot of people praise how emotional the film is, but it didn’t really affect me all that much. Even the scenes with Amy Adams and her daughter, no matter how Malick-y they’re shot, felt mostly like salad dressing to try and make the audience connect with the main character. Even when you (no-spoiler) find out the plot significance of these scenes, I liked it much more on an intellectual level than on a gut-level. Also, and this part is hard to explain without spoilers, but there’s a love story that’s pretty crucial to the theoretical concepts later in the film that feels comically underdeveloped, like we’re supposed to believe these people fall in love despite working with each other for a few days and rarely talking about anything other than work (and because they’re attractive movie stars, of course). Plus, there are quite a few annoyingly clichĂ©d characters, like the fear-mongering radio talk show host, the weary and no-nonsense military man, and a Chinese officer named General Shang who apparently rules the entire country of China without answering to anybody.
Despite these niggles, I still liked “Arrival” a lot. It attempts (and in my mind strongly succeeds) to present a realistic scenario of what alien contact would be like in today’s political and cultural climate, and again, it’s really refreshing to see a science-fiction film where science, communication and peace are used for conflict resolution as opposed to violence. It’s really ambitious on both a thematic level and a technical one (the special effects in this movie are some of the most seamless and believable I’ve ever seen), and even the problems I have with the writing don’t distract from Denis Villeneuve’s directorial talent. Here’s hoping he doesn’t screw up the new “Blade Runner”.
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24. Shin Godzilla – Lacks the awe-inspiring visuals and sense of scale of Gareth Edwards’ “Godzilla” (which I forgive because this had like 1/10th the budget), but makes up for it with a richer story and sense of humanity. Whereas that film is about our powerlessness at the hands of giant monsters, this one is more about working together to overcome it. What begins as a bureaucratic farce eventually gives way to the Japanese government putting aside any squabbles and politics to focus on saving the lives of its citizens from a giant, rampaging lizard. It’s kind of inspiring to see a movie like this where a government tries to prevent destruction instead of causing it (with a not-so-subtle pisstake of the Americans, whose contribution to the efforts amounts to little more than bombing and almost nuking Tokyo). Plus, Godzilla himself is awesome here, looking and acting like a genuine monster, and pulled off with a nice mix of practical and digital effects (other than his initial form where he looks like a retarded CGI iguana with googly eyes). Kickass soundtrack, as well.
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23. War on Everyone – “I’ve always wondered; if you hit a mime (with a car), does he make a sound?” Michael Peña’s character wonders out loud at the start of the movie, right before he and his partner (and driver) find out. Within one minute of the movie, you already know if it’s for you or not. “War on Everyone” is about two cops (Peña and Alexander SkarsgĂ„rd) who are as corrupt as they come. They regularly blackmail and beat up suspects, take bribes, and drink on the job. They never really try to justify this behavior. Their attitude can be best summed up by a line SkarsgĂ„rd says before getting into the driver’s seat of a car while piss-drunk; “Let’s go fuck some scumbags.” There’s some plot about their investigation into a robbery/murder orchestrated by the guy from those shitty “Divergent” movies who looks like discount-Toby Kebbell, but the plot feels like an afterthought. It’s more so about the two characters and their antics and their musings on life, greatly enlivened by the excellent performances and chemistry of the two leads, as well as the cracking, pitch-black funny script from writer/director John Michael McDonagh (who also made the fantastic Irish gems “Calvary” and “The Guard”). This feels like if McDonagh made a Shane Black film. It’s not a powerful meditation on faith and morality like “Calvary” and it’s not a great character-study like “The Guard”, but “War on Everyone” shows that even a lower-tier McDonagh film is still as hilarious and biting as they come, and it even comes with a bit of heart and soul. Still, definitely not recommended to the easily-offended. It feels kind of pointless, but I could listen to McDonagh characters talk shit to each other all day.
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22. 10 Cloverfield Lane - I will try to be as spoiler-free as possible in this review. Honestly, if you STILL haven’t seen it and want to, just go watch it and know that it definitely comes recommended.
I’ll admit it; even though I wasn’t a huge fan of the shaky-cam monster-athon that was “Cloverfield”, the mysterious and vague trailer for “10 Cloverfield Lane” got me properly hyped up as I tried to figure out the connection between the two movies. In an unusual twist, most of the movie is only tangentially a work of science-fiction. The plot is about a young woman named Michelle who runs away from home as some vague disaster occurs. She’s knocked out, and wakes up in an underground survival shelter run by a paranoid survivalist named Howard, along with a young guy named Emmett. Howard says that there has been a massive attack, but Michelle is skeptical and is unsure if Howard is trustworthy or crazy.
The bulk of the film is in the bunker, as the trio try to cope with the various realities of living in a survival shelter, including each other. This entire section is excellent. Deftly alternating between lighthearted bonding, uncomfortable comedy, and pressure-cooker intensity, debut director Dan Trachtenberg shows he is an expert when it comes to tone, pacing, and atmosphere, further enlivened by Bear McCreary’s terrific score. Even better is the main trio of actors, all of whom play off of each other well and really flesh out their characters. The guy who plays Emmett displays a dopey likability that suits the character well, while Mary Elizabeth Winstead makes Michelle much more intelligent, tough and compelling than your average "horror" protagonist (I use that term broadly). Powerfully commanding the whole movie is John Goodman, who easily makes Howard sympathetic at times and genuinely terrifying at others. This is a brilliantly batshit performance by one of our very best character actors, and even if the rest of the production wasn’t up to par (which it definitely is), he alone would make this film worth watching.
The reason this movie isn’t higher on my list is because of the last 10-or-so minutes. Without going into detail (and the trailer gives this away anyway), Michelle leaves the bunker by the end. It’s like the entire film gets wrapped up and ends satisfyingly, but then it goes on for another 10 minutes that feels like a completely different movie with a whiplash-inducing change in tone. It’s all still skillfully made and well-acted, but the effect just feels bizarre if you’re watching it for the first time. At first I thought the sequence was there to connect it to the first “Cloverfield” and make it a semi-sequel, but it’s too vague for me to buy it.
Maybe it is all some continuous “Cloverfield” universe, or better yet, it’s an anthology film series in the vain of “The Twilight Zone” or “Black Mirror”, one where talented up-and-coming directors make unique sci-fi thrillers. If that’s the case, it’s best not to read too much into the ending, and to just try and accept the movie as a standalone despite the jarring tonal shift at the end. One thing I actually quite liked about the ending is that it satisfyingly concludes Michelle’s character arc, making her a surprisingly well-developed protagonist that has actually grown by the end. Maybe if I watch this again (and I do plan to), I’ll like it more and probably give it a higher spot on the list, but even on a first impression, “10 Cloverfield Lane” is an engaging and balls-tighteningly tense thriller with a top-notch cast and production working at the top of their game. John Goodman is so good, man.
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21. London Has Fallen – Holy hell, where do I even begin? Rare is the movie where I honestly cannot tell if it’s trying to be a comedy or not. It has a serious post-9/11 depiction of terrorism, but it treats all the bad guys like cannon fodder to be disposed of in spectacular ways. It has some lines about the consequences of U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East, but these lines are throwaway at best and never brought up again. It tries to somewhat humanize its villains, but it also has Gerard Butler executing a wheel-chair bound terrorist before going on a tirade about how they’ll never win and that America will still be standing in a thousand years (not sure if the Third Reich comparison is intentional).
The action scenes are competently shot/staged, if unremarkable (despite a fun CGI-assisted long-take shootout). The script feels like it was either written in a weekend or improvised on the spot by Butler and company. In fact, I feel like this wasn’t originally written as a sequel to “Olympus Has Fallen”. None of the previous movie’s events are referenced, and all the recurring cast members (save for Butler and Aaron Eckhart) feel like glorified crowbarred-in cameos. It’s absurd to have a White House cabinet of Oscar winners/nominees and give them all a collective 5 minutes of screen-time. I’m pretty sure Oscar-winner Melissa Leo doesn’t even have any lines. I’m sure the paycheck was nice, at least. The first 15 minutes or so are fairly boring, even if things pick up considerably afterwards.
The one indisputable quality this movie has is Gerard Butler. Butler gives a genuinely jaw-dropping performance as bloodthirsty and very likely insane Secret Service agent Mike Banning (our hero, naturally). Mike Banning is the type of guy who reacts to getting shot in the shoulder and the birth of his child with roughly the same facial expression. Mike Banning is the type of guy who despite being very proficient with and usually having convenient access to firearms, frequently elects to brutally stab the bad guys numerous times with a combat knife. (“Was that really necessary?” President Aaron Eckhart asks after Banning slowly stabs a terrorist in the ribs to death while making his brother listen via walkie-talkie. “No”, Banning bluntly admits.) Even from the peaceful initial scenes of him accompanying the President on a jog or talking to his wife, you can tell something is very off about him. We as the audience are of course expecting/awaiting shit to hit the fan, but Butler is nearly trembling with anticipation to start murdering terrorists during these scenes. Butler makes almost every bit of dialogue sound like a badass one-liner, on one occasion offering the President a glass of water while saying “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty as fuck”, spewing the word “fuck” out of the side of his mouth like a shotgun blast. Even on the off-chance that the movie isn’t taking the piss, Butler most definitely is. I’m not being ironic when I say that this is one of the great comic performances of our time, and the success of the movie (for me) is due to the movie being centered around Butler and his hilariously absurd machoism.
The director of this movie is an Iranian who escaped his war-torn home to Sweden as a boy. This, coupled with Butler’s performance, Butler and Eckhart’s borderline-homoerotic bromance, the ridiculous one-liners and speeches, and an indefensibly heroic portrayal of drone-warfare, makes me feel like “London Has Fallen” is really one big satire of U.S. foreign policy subtly disguised as a stupid, offensive action movie, something conservative idiots will applaud, liberal idiots will condemn, and fun, smart, attractive people will appreciate and enjoy for what it is. I saw this and “Gods of Egypt” with a few friends as a sort of once-in-a-lifetime Gerard Butler double-feature, and I had a grand time.
I felt like I could smell this movie, and I like that. Watching “London Has Fallen” is like sex; You wouldn’t want someone walking in on you during, and you’ll probably want to take a shower afterwards, but once you get past the initial foreplay, it’s a great time from start to raucous, bloody finish.
Wow, that metaphor got gross in a hurry.
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20. The Witch – I put off watching “The Witch” because every time in the past few years that people heralded the newest “great, modern horror film” (It Follows, The Babadook, etc.), I found them to be massively overrated and even a bit disappointing, even despite their good qualities. After finally seeing it, I can safely say that it’s definitely one of the best horror films in years (which isn’t saying much, but still).
The story is of an early 17th century Puritan family who get exiled from their village and set up a farm in an isolated area near the woods. Strange supernatural things start happening to them, and the movie becomes the gradual degradation of their mental states, as they start to blame and fight amongst each other, not unlike my beloved “The Thing”.
This is a very atmospheric, slow-burning kind of horror. The emphasis is on creeping dread rather than murdering attractive 20-something teenagers. For a first-time filmmaker, director Robert Eggers shows an excellent grasp of pacing, tone, and visual storytelling. Once you get used to the historical Ye Olde English manner in which the characters speak (subtitles are recommended), the writing is surprisingly quite good, with well-defined characters with clear conflicts and motivations. The acting ensemble is terrific. The whole movie is pretty much just two parents, a teenage daughter, an adolescent boy, and two young children, and they are all fantastic. Seriously, as someone who despises children (both in real life and in film), this is some of the best child-acting I’ve ever seen.
My problem with the movie is that (and this is kind of a spoiler, but it happens early in the film) I was hoping that it wouldn’t be clear whether or not the supernatural stuff is actually happening, or if the family is just losing their minds because of some clever metaphor or allegory. But no, it’s revealed pretty early on that it is actually supernatural stuff, which takes away some of the surprise and the suspense. The music is the kind of discordant “unnerving” string-heavy stuff you’d expect in a horror movie, and I often felt that silence would be much more effective during the scenes it’s used in.  Also, without giving away anything, the ending is pretty silly. It wraps up the story and the character arc of the lead character (the teenage daughter), but the manner in which it does it felt kind of over-the-top. You know what, though? I honestly thought we would get some shitty, cop-out, cut-to-black ending 5 minutes earlier, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll take a retarded ending over a non-ending any day of the week.
“The Witch” is a horror movie for those who don’t like horror movies, and one that treats its audience with intelligence and respect, and (the last few minutes notwithstanding) is actually satisfying and builds well to its climax. As someone who doesn’t care much for horror movies, I would say that “The Witch” lives up to the hype, and is well-worth checking out. Also, best (and surprisingly similar) use of a goat since Sam Raimi’s “Drag Me to Hell”.
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19. Nocturnal Animals – A problem a lot of movies have for me in particular is when they’re tonally or stylistically inconsistent, feeling like two separate movies at odds with each other. Tom Ford’s “Nocturnal Animals” is a rare example of a movie with strikingly different stories complementing each other and actually improving the end product. The film is about a LA art exhibitor played by Amy Adams, who has an unhappy personal life despite her successful professional life. One day, her long-estranged ex-husband sends her a copy of his upcoming novel, a violent thriller about a family man terrorized by hillbillies in West Texas. The movie cuts between the novel’s story, Adams’ current life, and her past relationship with the ex-husband.
Tom Ford showed with his debut “A Serious Man” that he was great at filming and telling a story about people in rich houses being sad, as he does here, but also displays an uncanny talent at filming a gritty desert-set revenge tale. The parallels between the real life story and the novel are very finely drawn, and while I found the novel sections much more gripping than the Amy Adams story, the seemingly-disparate styles and tones never clash and instead fit really well with each other, creating a movie that is more than the sum of its parts. For a fashion designer, it’s surprising how good of a writer and director Tom Ford is, and he shows that “A Single Man” wasn’t just beginner’s luck.
Also helping the movie is the fantastic cast. Jake Gyllenhaal gives one of his best performances as both the ex-husband and the protagonist of the novel story, and Amy Adams shows incredible nuance and subtlety, reminding us why she is one of the best actresses working today. Michael Shannon steals the show for me (yes, I love him and I’m biased, shut up) as a shady detective in the novel’s story. All the supporting players are great as well, even if their roles aren’t as meaty.
My main complaints are that the dialogue is sometimes silly, some of the supporting characters are pretty one-dimensional and cartoonish (Amy Adam’s current-day husband played by Armie Hammer is a distant businessman who has to go away to New York to “make that very important sale”), and that the editing is a little wonky and overdone at some minor points. I initially had mixed-feelings about the ending, feeling that it was a bit anticlimactic and expected more to happen, but after thinking about it and how it ties to the movie’s themes and character relationships, I like it a lot more in retrospect. Unlike the movie, I can’t think of a good way to wrap this review up, but I’ll say that “Nocturnal Animals” is engaging, unique, and worth checking out, so let’s move on.
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18. The Wailing – Its imposing length and frustrating lack of resolution/clarity can be hard to overcome for some people, but this South Korean supernatural horror flick is (in terms of acting, writing, directing, pacing, editing, themes, and just plain scariness and dread) the best and most effective horror film in quite a while. Like a bloodier and more emotionally tormenting version of “The Witch”.
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17. La La Land – Before some of you call for my beheading for placing “La La Land” this “low” on my list, let me begin by saying that I still enjoyed the damn thing. From a purely technical perspective, “La La Land” is hands-down one of the best films of the year. Damien Chazelle’s immaculate direction perfectly captures the nostalgic sense one gets from watching old Hollywood musicals. This, coupled with terrific musical numbers and game actors makes “La La Land” an easy movie to enjoy. The story, however, is where the movie is a bit shaky.
The plot is about a down-on-their-luck aspiring actress and jazz pianist who fall in love while pursuing their dreams, and struggle to deal with the reality of keeping their relationship together while their paths go in different directions. The movie goes for a contrast between a magical, cheery Hollywood musical and a more grounded, dramatic approach, but for most of the movie it doesn’t quite gel as well as one would hope. I loved the first half of the movie, where it’s an extravagant musical about aspiring artists, but halfway through, it kind of jarringly becomes a relationship drama, with hardly any musical numbers, and this part seriously drags. It’s only near the end where Emma Stone sings her big “Give me an Oscar, goddammit” number that I even remembered this movie was supposed to be a musical. It’s like the movie takes two different approaches to its material, whereas one middle-ground approach (keep the big musical bits throughout but make them gradually more dramatic) would have made the movie a lot better, in my opinion. It doesn’t help that the two lead characters just aren’t very interesting. Don’t get me wrong; Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling try their damnedest here, but it feels more like two likable actors playing parts instead of real people with flaws and humanity, a feeling exacerbated by them not even having that good a chemistry.
If you can put up with an uneven viewing experience long enough, the film rewards you with one of the best endings I’ve seen in years, one where the themes, motivations, and songs are meshed together in a perfectly bittersweet sequence that actually makes up for a lot of the film’s flaws, and the one point in the film where the aforementioned contrast between fantasy and reality is perfectly in sync with the filmmaking style. It’s here where it stops being a movie about struggling artists and becomes something grander; a film about following your dreams but realizing that life never really works out the way you intend. This and the opening single-take number are ones for the ages, and make the film worth watching all by themselves. To put it in a one-sentence review, “La La Land” is still a case of a movie musical being really good in the first half but fizzling out in the second (something which happened in every one I’ve ever seen besides the “South Park” movie), but at least it recovers well enough to leave a positive impression.
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16. The Shallows – I’m as surprised as you that this “hot-girl-gets-attacked-by-shark” film is this high up on my list, but here we are. Blake Lively plays said hot girl, a medical student who travels to an isolated beach in Mexico as a sort of spiritual journey/tribute to her deceased mother, and before long gets shark’d and stranded a few hundred feet from shore on some rocks during low-tide. I thought this would be the sort of cheeky, “Piranha 3D”-esque exploitation flick, but “The Shallows” actually has enough confidence to take itself fairly seriously. The main character has intelligence and some depth and even an arc (as obvious as it may be), and she’s buoyed by Lively’s terrific and believable performance. The shark is intimidating and scary, even when it’s not onscreen. The film has a good sense of progression, gradually escalating the threat level before arriving at the admittedly over-the-top but highly entertaining finale. It has a scene of the main character performing surgery on herself, which for some morbid reason I’ve always enjoyed seeing in movies and shows. And to top it all off, there’s a seagull that befriends the main character as she’s stranded, played by an actual trained seagull whose reactions (and lack thereof) are hilarious and his role in the plot surprisingly affecting. This seems like a stupid thing to harp on about, but if there was an Oscar for Best Performance by an Animal, Sully the Seagull’s performance as Steven Seagull would easily take home the prize.
There are a few issues, like how the main character tends to speak too much to herself (i.e. the audience) about her situation, and while I didn’t hate the very end of the movie, I do wish the film had ended a minute or two earlier right when it had a perfect moment to do so, instead of going on with an epilogue. However, given the expectations I had going in, director Jaume Collet-Serra uses Blake Lively’s good looks and strong acting ability, the beautiful camerawork and setting, his storytelling skills, and an adorable seagull to blow those expectations completely out of the water (har-har).
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15. The Handmaiden – Gorgeously filmed, lurid, and thoroughly entertaining Korean erotic thriller with strong performances, writing, and a wonderfully dark sense of humor (an attempted hanging scene yielded one of the year’s biggest laughs for me). Strikes a good balance between artful grace and trashy pulp.
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14. Silence – Of the 2016 films in which an accented and deeply religious Andrew Garfield has his faith tested by horrific violence committed by the Japanese, I like “Hacksaw Ridge” more, but this is still a powerful and deeply personal look at faith from Martin Scorsese. A challenging movie, but rewarding if you put in the effort to understand it thematically. A bit overlong and repetitive in the middle portion (though this is probably intentional), and I feel like the movie would be better if Garfield and Adam Driver switched roles, but from the moment Liam Neeson comes back into the movie, it’s outstanding to the end.
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13. The Dressmaker – In the early ‘50s, a bus rolls into a tiny, rural Australian town that looks like something out of a Western. Out steps Kate Winslet, accompanied by a Morricone-esque guitar and violin, immaculately dressed and carrying a sewing machine in her case, who proceeds to light up a cigarette and say “I’m back, you bastards.”
Two minutes in and you already know you’re in for a fun movie. Winslet plays a dressmaker who returns to her hometown after being banished as a child to care for her cantankerous mother (Judy Davis), and before long, dredges up a lot of bad blood among the townsfolk that hurt and humiliated her years ago. To say any more would be to spoil the wonderful weirdness that emanates from this film. “The Dressmaker” blends family melodrama, Western, comedy that ranges from the dark to the surreal to the slapstick, campiness, tragedy, romance, and revenge. It’s a mess, sure, but it struts along with such confidence in itself and its source material that all these seemingly disparate elements miraculously work together, for the most part. It helps that Winslet and Davis are so excellent that they deftly maneuver through all these tones and keep you engaged in what’s happening. It’s tough to say what kind of person I’d recommend this to, but I’ll say this; If you’ve always wanted an Australian Western version of “Twin Peaks” where the protagonist is a female couturier instead of a male gunslinger, then “The Dressmaker” will quench that extremely particular thirst.
A note on why I consider Kate Winslet to be one the best actors in the business: SHE IS A FOREIGN ACTOR THAT NAILS A PERFECT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.
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12. 20th Century Women – Mike Mills somewhat tones down the quirkiness from “Beginners”, but still delivers a personal, heartfelt, and funny portrayal of humanity, here subverting the typical coming-of-age story of his teenage boy self-insert protagonist by focusing the film on the women in his life and how their feminist strength and independence help shape him as he grows up. Fantastic performances from Annette Bening and Greta “Love of my Life” Gerwig.
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11. Moana – Beautiful visuals, wonderful music, top-notch voice acting, and a compelling and even touching story. I was pleasantly surprised by how long the movie took to set up the characters and their relationships and individual personalities before diving into the adventure. Even the stuff I normally find annoying in Disney movies (needless action scenes, cute animal sidekicks, hip modern references) are toned down here. Maui (voiced by The Rock, who has more charisma than the ocean has water, and a nice singing voice to boot) is extremely entertaining, but Moana is surprisingly a compelling character herself, someone who has aspirations and flaws and a sense of agency, as opposed to the usual dull Disney heroines who unwillingly fall into their fate before falling in love with Prince Flawless McGeneric. Great, empowering message (especially for young girls) about forging your own path in life. A million bonus points for not giving Moana a forced love interest. Another million points for Jemaine Clement as a giant, singing crab. Best animated film of 2016 by a wide margin. Disney’s best non-Pixar movie since “Lilo & Stitch”. Probably my favorite Disney Princess movie. I don’t care what anyone says; “Moana” was fucking lit.
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10. Eddie the Eagle – One thing I’ve noticed about myself lately is how sick I am of “irony”. Not in the dramatic sense, but in the “replacing sincerity and any genuine feeling with some detached sense of humor” sense. I think it was the inexplicable but somehow expected rise in popularity of a meme involving a dead gorilla that did it for me. But my point is, lately I’ve been finding myself watching movies otherwise labeled as “corny” or “cheesy” by jaded, cynical and emotionally detached people, who do so just because said movies believe in their own stories without shame or self-referential humor. Well, fuck those people. They can rot in hell along with their precious gorilla.
“Eddie the Eagle” is about Michael “Eddie” Edwards, a British skier who despite having very little experience and natural talent managed through sheer determination and willpower to accomplish his dream of competing in the 1988 Winter Olympics. Eddie comes from a working class family with a loving, supportive mother and a stern, disapproving father. Despite being a talented skier, he is rejected by Olympic board members due to his uncouth and dopey nature. He realizes that he still has a chance of making it onto the Olympic team as a ski-jumper, since the British have not competed in the sport in several decades, so he runs away to Europe to start training, where he meets an alcoholic former ski-jumper-turned-snow-groomer that helps him train.
This film has pretty much every inspirational sports clichĂ© imaginable, from the plucky loser underdog, to the grumpy mentor, to the uplifting synthesizer music, to the late moments where the protagonist is at his lowest point and wants to give up, and so on. In many cases these would be negatives. However, the movie embraces these clichĂ©s instead of trying to shy away from them, and in doing so it feels so sincere and full of heart that it actually works. You acknowledge the unoriginality, but you find yourself rooting for Eddie to succeed so much that you just don’t care. Dexter Fletcher’s direction is spirited and full of energy, the aforementioned synth music by Matthew Margeson is wonderful, and the two lead performances by Taron Egerton as Eddie and Hugh Jackman as his mentor are excellent. The movie isn’t all that historically accurate. The real Eddie Edwards himself said that “only about 5%” of the film is true, and even the tagline is “Inspired by a dream come true”, rather than “Based on a true story”. But as a Huffington Post critic said, “You can't believe most of it, but you can believe in it. That's a subtle but important difference.”
But do you want to know why this movie is so high up on my list? So many movies over the years have been praised as “emotional” and “tear-jerking” and to me ended up feeling manipulative and artificial (*cough*Room*cough*). “Eddie the Eagle”, however, with all its sincerity and heart and feel-good splendor, touched me so much that I actually cried at the end. I can count the movies that made me genuinely cry on one hand, and this is the only one that has ever made me cry tears of joy instead of sadness. If the ending scene at the airport doesn’t melt your heart, then congratulations on not having one.
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9. Hunt for the Wilderpeople - Due to my continual disappointment in my usual preferred genres of film in 2016, I started to branch out a bit and check out films I otherwise normally wouldn’t, one of which is New Zealand coming-of-age comedy drama “Hunt for the Wilderpeople”. The plot is about a young juvenile delinquent boy and his grumpy foster father who, due to odd circumstances, find themselves hunted by the law and escape to “the bush”, the vast New Zealand forests. We follow them as the two survive, get into various misadventures, and face off with an obsessed child services worker. To reveal any more would be to spoil this wonderful movie. Suffice it to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. Rarely do you encounter a movie that does adventure, buddy comedy, or tragic drama this well, let alone one that does all three, while at the same time showing interesting aspects of Kiwi culture and the beautiful landscape without feeling like a travelogue. The boy (Julian Dennison) starts off as annoying, but this is intentional rather than the fault of bad acting, and he not only grows on you but also shows a good deal of comic timing and emotional range. Sam Neill as the grumpy foster dad gives a career-best performance, showing the kind of depth I didn’t expect from someone who I think I’ve only ever seen in the “Jurassic Park” movies. Honestly, I recommend this film to pretty much anyone (that has access to subtitles). It’s funny, touching, creative, and lovely to look at. Between this and “What We Do in the Shadows”, writer/director Taika Waititi has given me just the slightest bit of hope that “Thor: Ragnarok” will actually be good.
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8. Paterson – Wonderfully understated, warm, and compassionate ode to the passion and creativity found in everyday life, making even the smallest mundanities feel profound and moving. No story arc or big dramatic moments to speak of; just the story of a quiet but observant bus driver/poet and his seemingly unremarkable but, well, poetic life. The relationship between Adam Driver and his wife (Golshifteh Farahani) is one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen in a movie. Also; casting Adam Driver as a bus driver? Bravo, Jim Jarmusch.
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7. The Nice Guys – I can’t believe I used to not care for Ryan Gosling. Granted, for the longest time the only movie I’d seen him in was “Drive”, and it’s hard to take someone seriously as an actor when all the role asks of someone is to stare silently for uncomfortably long periods and occasionally hit people. But nonetheless, in recent years the guy has done phenomenal work and completely won me over as an actor, culminating in Shane Black’s “The Nice Guys”, where he gives his best performance to date. He is shockingly funny and provides not only a lot of the laughs in this movie, but also a good deal of its heart. He’s gotten a lot of awards attention for his role in “La La Land”, but to me this is the highlight of his career so far.
Gosling plays an alcoholic, bumbling private detective and single father who teams up with the low-rent enforcer who broke his arm (Russell Crowe) to crack a major conspiracy involving a missing girl and a dead porn star. Tagging along for much of the mystery is Gosling’s teenage daughter, played by Angourie Rice in one of the best child performances I’ve ever seen in a movie (damning with faint praise, but still, give her credit), easily holding her own in scenes with Gosling and Crowe, despite a few awkward line deliveries. The three leads are great and have excellent chemistry with each other and with the strong supporting cast, helped along by Black’s hilarious dialogue, irreverent sense of humor, and his continuing growth as a director. I already harped on this in previous reviews, but it’s really refreshing to see a comedy that actually sets its jokes up before giving them a good payoff, especially one where some setups aren’t initially obvious (a seemingly throwaway story about Richard Nixon ended up giving me one of the biggest laughs of the year later on).
There’s kind of a lack of urgency to the mystery that makes the pacing a bit lethargic. I didn’t mind it much because the characters are so likable that you don’t mind spending time with them, but it’s worth mentioning. While there’s some character conflict and growth, I wish it tied into the plot a bit more. The lack of a clear antagonist for the first half of the movie also hurts. There are a lot of jokes and visual gags, and while most work, a few do fall flat. I feel like an extra rewrite and some tighter editing could fix most of these problems, and none of them are by any means a deal-breaker.
It feels weird to call this film “original”, since it’s more or less the same film Shane Black’s been making for the past 30 years, but in an increasingly bland world of mainstream filmmaking, it’s so refreshing to see a unique voice like Black do his own thing with a great cast and a solid budget. It’s a damn shame that a film which should’ve led to some sequels instead just barely made its’ production budget back. Put it another way; if you complain about a lack of originality in Hollywood but still paid money to see the latest superhero flick instead of “The Nice Guys”, please dip your head into a bucket of wet cement until the bubbles stop.
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6. Hacksaw Ridge – I’m willing to go on record and say that “Hacksaw Ridge” is probably the most violent movie I’ve ever seen (at least the most violent since the last Mel Gibson movie). Considering this, only Mad Mel can make such an insanely violent film while also telling a moving story about one man’s faith and adherence to pacifism. The story is about Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector and pacifist who wanted to serve his country as a combat medic, and whose extraordinary rescue of over 70 soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa became the stuff of legend and earned him a Medal of Honor.
The movie has kind of a typical biopic structure, showing his early years as a troublesome lad who finds meaning in life with Christianity, to his young adult days where he tries to romance his impossibly attractive later-wife, before moving to the boot camp scenes where he’s persecuted by others for his refusal to pick up a gun, and finally to the war scenes. The transition between corny but solid, old-fashioned melodrama (or MEL-odrama) and the incredible, surreal, horrific war stuff may sound jarring, but in a very smart move, Gibson opens the film with a slow-motion montage of combat with a narration from Doss. This seems kind of clichĂ©d, but it sets your mind up to expect the stuff you’ll see later, while at the same time taking away none of the impact.
Contrary to what some may think about the film and of Gibson going in, it’s not one of those shitty “Christians are good, others suck” films that do remarkably well in the southern states. The subject of the film is deeply religious and the film has its fair share of unsubtle Christ-like imagery, sure, but not only does it not beat you over the head with it, it even feels earned after seeing what Doss is put through. Plus, if anything, it’s less about the strength of faith and more about sticking to your convictions even when the whole world tests you. Plus, it’s refreshing for a war movie to heroically portray a man who saved lives instead of taking them.
Despite being away from the director’s chair for a decade, Gibson has lost none of his storytelling prowess or his penchant for striking imagery. The period and technical detail is fantastic (during one scene where you see through the scope of a Japanese sniper rifle, the film even got the scope right). Despite having to fill the late, great James Horner’s (who couldn’t do the film due to his unfortunate death in 2015) shoes, Rupert Gregson-Williams surprisingly turns in one of the strongest musical scores of the year. The mostly-Australian cast is excellent, with Andrew Garfield giving a career-best performance as Doss (at this point, I forgive him for “The Amazing Spiderman 2”), as well as strong supporting turns from Vince Vaughn as the funny/tough drill sergeant, and especially from Hugo Weaving as Doss’s PTSD-ridden WWI veteran father. Weaving genuinely looks like a man who died in the trenches in France but whose body still returned home, turning to booze and anger to make him forget the trauma he experienced.
I would say that Hacksaw Ridge has all the makings of a great film but is slightly held back by some story choices. The film kind of ends shortly after Doss’s heroic exploits with some standard biopic text and interviews from his real-life former comrades. It’s fine, but I think it would have had more impact to first show Doss returning home and reuniting with his wife and family, considering how prominent the theme of family was in the film. Also, there is one scene late in the movie involving Japanese officers, which I won’t spoil, but it feels forced and EXTREMELY unnecessary (I guess Gibson just has a thing for beheadings).
Still, considering how good this film is overall and how well it’s being received, I’m happy to report that Mel Gibson is no longer persona non-grata in Hollywood, and that I absolutely look forward to whatever he’s making next. Welcome back, Mel. We missed you.
Note: Something I thought of after watching “Hacksaw Ridge”; Mel Gibson could totally direct a “Mad Max” film.
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5. Hell or High Water - On an early Texas morning, a two men rob a pair of branches of the Texas Midlands Bank. While not without a few hiccups, the robberies go smoothly. The two men are siblings; calm and smart divorced father Toby (Chris Pine), and his loose-cannon ex-con brother Tanner (Ben Foster). They are trying to raise enough money to save their family farm by paying off the foreclosing bank with its own stolen money, while being hunted down by Texas Rangers Marcus and Alberto (Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham), the former close to retirement. There are still a number of branches they need to rob in order to raise the needed amount. What ensues is one of the most mature and intelligent thrillers I’ve seen in a long time.
There is no black or white. Just two sides of the law. We understand both sides, and the motivation of each man. While the robbery scenes are thrilling and gritty, the movie actually shows a tremendous level of restraint. The pacing is deliberately slow, but the film is so well-made and well-written and so confident in itself that it never becomes boring, and it builds exceptionally well to its grip-you-by-the-balls climax. The movie spends a lot of time with the characters talking, with dialogue that feels both realistic and entertaining. The extremely underrated TV show "Justified" has instilled in me a joy in hearing Southern people talk shit to each other, and the movie doesn't let me down in that regard. The rural, neo-Western setting is wonderfully atmospheric and does a good job conveying how tough life can be in such a place (with a noteworthy supporting performance from Katy Mixon as a waitress who refuses to give back a large tip of stolen money to the Rangers).
Even though his character is pretty much a less alcoholic and more down-to-earth version of his Rooster Cogburn from the Coens’ “True Grit”, Bridges still impresses with a soulful and highly entertaining performance. Similarly, while Ben Foster feels a bit typecast as the “wild man” brother, he still knocks it out of the park with his confidence and screen presence. The biggest surprise is Chris Pine, tuning down his smirky charm and turning in his best performance to date as a man whose cool-headedness masks his desperation.
If I had to think of a flaw, it's that the film has a slightly-annoying over-reliance on licensed country songs in the first half of the movie...really, that's all I can think of. The slow pacing might be a turnoff for some people (some extremely thick people who very likely have ADHD and are virgins), but it pays off so well that I can't even consider it a problem for anyone with a three-digit IQ. If you are tired of action movies or thrillers being dumb, this is the movie for you. If you are tired of smart movies being dull, this is the movie for you. "Hell or High Water" is a diamond in the rough that is 2016, and deserves your attention.
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4. Elle – I saw this movie solely because Paul Verhoeven directed a sizable portion of my childhood (Robocop, Total Recall, and Starship Troopers), and he has enough goodwill based on that alone that I’ll check out anything he makes. While his European films are noticeably different from his American action classics, one thing that hasn’t faltered is his skill as a director and unique voice in telling provocative stories. “Elle” certainly has one hell of an opening. A wealthy middle-aged woman named Michùle is attacked and raped in her home in France. After the intruder leaves, Michùle calmly collects herself, cleans herself and her home, and goes to work the next day as if nothing is wrong. The rest of the movie is about her conducting her own investigation into finding out who attacked her as we learn about her feelings and why she doesn’t notify the police, as well as her complicated relationships with her friends, neighbors and family.
I can definitely see a lot of people getting offended by this movie’s depiction of rape and its consequences on the main character, but considering how complex and unpredictable human beings can be, this is one of the most bracing, raw and honest depictions of the subject I’ve ever seen. Put it simply, this isn’t your typical rape-revenge film. The excellent writing and Verhoeven’s strong command of the material and his cast elevates it beyond what I thought possible. The characters are very well-defined, with all their own quirks and needs and insecurities, and despite how uncomfortable the film can be, it’s also surprisingly very funny in how it presents them and their relationships with each other, especially during a fantastic Christmas dinner scene where all the characters and their animosities come together. There is a lot of gossiping, resentment, passive-aggressiveness and cuckoldry on display (it’s a French movie, so no surprise there). The film is certainly lurid, but everything from the story and performances to the themes and subtext is done so well that you can’t stop watching. At no moment during its two-and-a-half-hour running time was I bored.
“Elle” is a film I wouldn’t recommend to everyone due to its’ length and subject matter, but thanks to the strong writing, Paul Verhoeven’s confident direction, and a stunning lead performance from Isabelle Huppert, this a bold, gripping, and surprisingly entertaining film that is absolutely worth going out of your way to see if you can stomach it. Plus, there’s a really cute cat.
With that out of the way; please come back to America and make another gory, over-the-top action film, Mr. Verhoeven. Hollywood needs you more than you need it.
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3. Sing Street – An Irish lad from a broken home in 1985 Dublin gets transferred to a rough, inner-city school. Soon he meets a mysterious girl hanging around outside the school, and in an effort to impress her, asks her to be a model in a music video for his non-existent band.
What follows is a coming-of-age story about artistic expression and love where the boy gathers anyone that can play an instrument (including the funniest part of the movie where they try to recruit “probably the only black guy in Dublin”), starts making music and videos, and slowly starts bonding with the girl. It’s tough to make a movie set in 20th century Ireland feel optimistic, but writer/director John Carney deftly maneuvers between comedy and drama, makes the film simultaneously fantastic yet grounded, making the story of falling in love and following one’s dreams feel believable and easy to root for.
From the tagline “Boy meets girl. Girl unimpressed. Boy starts band”, you can probably guess the general progression of the plot. This, coupled with the fact that I don’t like coming-of-age stories, or musicals, or Irish people*, means that this film was facing an uphill battle from me. Imagine how goddamn good this film must be that it’s number 3 on my list this year. A cynic would say that it doesn’t face much competition from an unremarkable year for film like 2016, but “Sing Street” is a wonderful ode to the power of music and young love that would be great in any year, and I defy you to watch it without a smile on your face. Basically, if you possess a heart, a soul, a dream, a love for music, or a pulse, I cannot recommend “Sing Street” enough.
*kidding. I love you, you pale, swear-y, chip-shop bombing drunkards.
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2. Star Trek Beyond – After a strong start to a reboot of the storied franchise with 2009’s “Star Trek”, the series took a nosedive with “Star Trek Into Darkness”, the woefully misguided attempt to make the series dark and gritty. Because of this and the new director being Justin Lin, a man who has made four (well, three and a cameo) films about Vin Diesel sleepily growling about family in between scenes of supercars performing Cirque du Soleil acts, I wasn’t all too excited for the new entry, even though it’d be written by talented comic actor and well-known nerd Simon Pegg. Who would have thought that Pegg and Lin would have been the ones that saved not only 2016 from being a shit year for blockbusters, but also the soul of the “Star Trek” franchise?
The plot is about Kirk and the Enterprise crew getting stranded on a remote world after being attacked by a mysterious warlord while investigating a missing ship. It’s a slick and self-contained adventure, making it feel like a long and big-budget episode of the series in the best possible way. I don’t want to imply that this is the “Star Trek” of yore. It’s still a big, over-the-top space action film. But it has something that the previous two films (especially Into Darkness) lacked; spirit. The spirit of discovery, of exploration, of optimism. That despite the dangers in the galaxy, any problem can be overcome as long as all the species work together. Most importantly, it has an emphasis on character, actually slowing down at times to let them breathe and talk and joke with each other (y’know, like they’re people or something, and not just plot-devices). There’s a wonderful little scene at the start where Kirk and Bones share a drink to toast Kirk’s deceased father, and the tributes to the gone-but-not-forgotten Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin were beautifully done.
It’s remarkable how well Lin and Pegg capture this “Star Trek” spirit while still making an exciting, blockbuster action film. Lin brings his A-game to the action scenes, making them fun, creative, and natural as a story progression. You always understand why the action is happening, as opposed to a random fight being thrown in for its own sake. There’s a certain scene later in the film where a ship has to take on a swarm of smaller enemies with a familiar musical cue, and I cannot remember the last time I ever felt so much hype and childish glee in a movie scene.
I guess the villain is the same generic normal-guy-who-was-betrayed-and-wants revenge that the past two films had, but between the still-excellent cast (newcomer Sofia Boutella steals the show as an alien warrior/scavenger that Scotty meets), a strong soundtrack, awesome visuals, a fun story, involving action scenes, and that warm “Star Trek” feel to it, “Star Trek Beyond” feels like a jolt to the heart of a series that was in danger of becoming lost to soulless, studio-driven blockbuster territory. Assuming there’s more to this series of films, I cannot wait to see where the franchise boldly goes from here.
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1. Free Fire – This is the most fun I’ve had in a theater since “Mad Max: Fury Road”. I wasn’t a huge fan of Ben Wheatley’s previous films, but among the material I didn’t really care for, I saw an undeniable talent in his work. Here, it’s like he used his powers to make a movie precisely for me.
The film is about an arms deal that takes place in a warehouse between two groups of criminals that quickly gets out of hand after shots are fired in the exchange. The remaining 70 minutes of this 90-minute long movie is basically one really long shootout as everyone picks sides, betray each other, and get increasingly wounded while rarely ceasing their shit-talking. Think “Reservoir Dogs” as a comedy of miscommunication. In an amazing feat of filmmaking, Wheatley makes sure that this lengthy shootout set mostly in one large room isn’t boring for a second. His smart, gradual escalation of events punctuated with a number of “holy shit” moments and set pieces, held together by excellent editing, keeps the film exciting and darkly funny throughout. In between the big moments, characters take pause to hurl expletives at each other and ponder their own situation as they desperately try to get out of it, adding up to people you care about and are interested in even if they’re all dicks. This is a brilliant example of how important pacing and characterization is to a film, especially to one with so little plot.
Also helping is the hilarious banter, delivered by a wonderful and colorful cast of characters played by a small but absolutely stellar cast. Everyone is great and play their characters perfectly, with a standout performance by Sharlto Copley as an unhinged, self-absorbed arms dealer who causes much of the conflict in the film. I knew I’d love him as soon as a character says “Vernon was misdiagnosed as a child genius and never got over it.” I also want to mention the sound design, which is some of the best in recent memory, with every bullet fired feeling like a loud jolt to one’s system. The writing is highly enjoyable on a superficial level, and even carries a bit of depth with the shootout being a clever allegory for human nature and just generally what happens when idiots own guns.
“Free Fire” is by far the best movie I saw this year, and when it gets a theatrical release, I implore you to go see it. The only complaints I can think of are that the ending is just alright, and after a certain point you start to wonder where some of the characters keep getting their ammo from. Time will tell if this film stands up to repeated viewings, but this was easily the funniest, craziest, and most entertaining film I’ve seen all year. Yes, my favorite movie of 2016 is a 2017 movie in which characters argue and shoot each other in a dirty warehouse for 90 minutes. Cinema isn’t dead yet.
The “30 and Still Living in Parents’ Basement” Award for Biggest Disappointment 
Nominees:
 ·         Jack Reacher: Never Go Back
·         Jason Bourne
·         Passengers
·         Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
·         Warcraft
Runner-up:
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Winner:
Passengers
The “Clever Marketing” Award for Best Tagline
Nominees:
·         Elvis & Nixon – “On December 21st, 1970, two of America's greatest recording artists met for the first time.”
·         Free Fire – “All guns. No control.”
·         London Has Fallen – “Prepare for bloody hell”
·         The Dressmaker – “Revenge is back in fashion”
Runner-up:
The Dressmaker
Winner:
Elvis & Nixon
The “Postcore Avantwave” Award for Best Film Score
Nominees:
·         Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane
·         Justin Hurwitz – La La Land
·         Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana
·         Matthew Margeson – Eddie the Eagle
·         Michael Giacchino – Star Trek Beyond
·         Rupert Gregson-Williams – Hacksaw Ridge
·         Shirƍ Sagisu – Shin Godzilla
Runner-up:
Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana
Winner:
Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane
The "I'm Glad We Decided to Keep It" Award for Best Child Performance
Nominees:
·         Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys
·         Auli'i Cravalho - Moana
·         Ferdia Walsh-Peelo – Sing Street
·         Harvey Scrimshaw - The Witch
·         Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople
·         Kim Su-an – Train to Busan
·         Lucas Jade Zumann – 20th Century Women
Runner-up:
Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Winner:
Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys
The “If Only the Rest of the Movie Was This Good” Award for Best Scene
Nominees:
·         Athens riot – Jason Bourne
·         Beach drowning – Silence
·         Captain America and Winter Soldier vs. Iron Man – Captain America: Civil War
·         Car chase – Operation Avalanche
·         Christmas dinner party – Elle
·         Climactic robbery/shootout/getaway – Hell or High Water
·         Desmond’s rescues – Hacksaw Ridge
·         “Drive It Like You Stole It” – Sing Street
·         Epilogue – La La Land
·         Entering the ship – Arrival
·         “How Far I’ll Go” – Moana
·         Police station – Manchester by the Sea
·         Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond
·         The un-destruction of Hong Kong – Doctor Strange
·         The 90-meter jump – Eddie the Eagle
·         Quicksilver and the exploding mansion – X-Men: Apocalypse
·         Warehouse rescue - Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Runner-up:
Police station – Manchester by the Sea
Winner:
Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond
The “Pig in Lipstick” Award for Prettiest Movie
Nominees:
·         A Bigger Splash
·         Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
·         Doctor Strange
·         Hail Caesar!
·         Kubo and the Two Strings
·         La La Land
·         Moana
·         The Handmaiden
·         The Love Witch
Runner-up:
The Handmaiden
Winner:
Kubo and the Two Strings
The “Premium Meth” Award for Best Chemistry
Nominees:
·         Adam Driver and Golshifteh Farahani - Paterson
·         Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
·         Chris Pine and Ben Foster – Hell or High Water
·         Gerard Butler and his knife – London Has Fallen
·         Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham – Hell or High Water
·         Michael Peña and Alexander SkarsgĂ„rd – War on Everyone
·         Ruth Negga and Joel Edgerton – Loving
·         Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe – The Nice Guys
·         Ryan Reynolds and Morena Baccarin – Deadpool
·         Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong – The Brothers Grimsby
Runner-up:
Michael Peña and Alexander SkarsgĂ„rd – War on Everyone
Winner:
Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
The “Healed Broken Bone” Award for Best Cast
Nominees:
·         20th Century Women
·         Captain America: Civil War
·         Everybody Wants Some!!
·         Fences
·         Free Fire
·         Hail, Caesar!
·         Love & Friendship
·         Sing Street
·         Star Trek Beyond
·         The Magnificent Seven
Runner-up:
Sing Street
Winner:
Free Fire
The “Convincingly Faked Orgasm” Award for Best Performance
Honorable Mentions:
·         Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge
·         Ben Foster – Hell or High Water
·         Blake Lively – The Shallows
·         Chris Pine – Hell or High Water
·         Emma Stone – La La Land
·         Hugo Weaving – Hacksaw Ridge
·         Joe Alwyn – Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk
·         Joel Edgerton – Loving
·         Judy Davis – The Dressmaker
·         Kate Beckinsale – Love & Friendship
·         Kate Winslet – The Dressmaker
·         Kwak Do-won – The Wailing
·         Mahershala Ali - Moonlight
·         Ruth Negga – Loving
·         Sam Neill – Hunt for the Wilderpeople
·         Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic
·         Woody Harrelson – The Edge of Seventeen
Nominees:
·         Adam Driver – Paterson
·         Alden Ehrenreich – Hail, Caesar!
·         Annette Bening – 20th Century Women
·         Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea
·         Denzel Washington – Fences
·         Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen
·         Greta Gerwig – 20th Century Women
·         Isabelle Huppert - Elle
·         Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water
·         John Goodman – 10 Cloverfield Lane
·         Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals
·         Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
·         Ralph Fiennes – A Bigger Splash
·         Rebecca Hall – Christine
·         Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys
·         Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool
·         ­Sharlto Copley – Free Fire
·         Tom Bennett – Love & Friendship
·         Viola Davis – Fences
Runner-up:
Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen
Winner:
Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys
In regards to my final award:
The whole “Fuck 2016” thing has been done to death, albeit not undeservingly, so this’ll be my only word on the matter. A lot of us had a rough year, dealing with political strife, global conflict, environmental issues, personal problems, celebrity deaths, “Suicide Squad”, etc. Even in film, 2016 has felt like a bit of a downer, with many films I was looking forward to letting me down. However, there have been quite a few gems, especially in the latter half of the year, and a good number of these are off the beaten path, ones I actively searched for to find and ones I gave a shot even if they’re the type of thing I wouldn’t normally see.
My point is, we have to make an effort to get the good out of life. You can still find some gems while wading through a river of shit (which you’re going to wade through anyway), and I’m not just talking about movies. Try something you normally wouldn’t. Try to pick up a new hobby. Make some personal time for yourself, even if you’re swamped with work or school. Start exercising if you don’t already (hell, try yoga). Don’t just accept that life is shit; do something to make it less shit. Always strive to better yourself, because while there’s no such thing as perfection (unless you’re Michael Shannon), it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t reach for it.
The mere fact that you’re reading this means that you’re actively trying to de-pleb yourself, or maybe it’s because you love me or maybe I just make you laugh sometimes. In any case, thank you for reading this year-in-review. As it has been for the past two years, writing this was fun and therapeutic. I wish you all luck in seeking happiness (and good taste in film, like mine), and for those of you who have a bad day somewhere on that journey, film is always there for you, including the following films which can cheer one up even on the rainiest days.
The “Ancient Indian Burial Ground” Award for Film Most Likely to Raise Your Spirits
Nominees:
Eddie the Eagle
Sing Street
Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Everybody Wants Some!!
Moana
Runner-up:
Sing Street
Winner:
Eddie the Eagle
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moviemagistrate · 7 years
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“Rogue One” review
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Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - There is perhaps no bigger red flag to me for a major blockbuster movie than hearing about “extensive reshoots”. Putting aside the lessons we’ve learned from “Fantastic 4” and “Suicide Squad”, the main problem with these kinds of reshoots is that it speaks to the studio not having enough confidence in the director’s vision, and more in the opinions of test audiences. I know that reshoots are commonplace in the film industry, but when they announced that “Rogue One” would have several weeks of reshoots that weren’t even headed by director Gareth Edwards, my heart sank a bit.
Now, I don’t mean to compare this to the previously mentioned comic-book dumpster fires, but the fact that “Rogue One” is just “kinda good” makes it pretty disappointing for me. Before some of you nerds ask; no, I didn’t watch this film with the sole purpose of criticizing it and ruining the Star Wars circlejerk. I was really looking forward to it when I heard that Gareth Edwards would direct, because his recent “Godzilla” reboot was fucking awesome and easily one of the best blockbusters of recent years, and I had hoped that “Rogue One” would mark an effort in taking this unkillable franchise to bold, new directions. It’s not like doing so would even be considered risky; “Star Wars” fans would literally pay money to eat dogshit if they were told it’d be canon or if the actor who played Wedge Antilles told them to do it.
But there’s the problem. Despite some differences in approach to the main saga, “Rogue One” is as safe as they come. Sure, there’s no opening crawl and the visuals are grittier than usual, but in terms of dialogue, storytelling, style of music, etc., it’s still very much a Star Wars movie. I do like how the movie takes itself fairly seriously and is bereft of the typical cringe-worthy Disneyquips©, but it kind of lacks the passion and inspiration that made so many people fall in love with the original trilogy.
Michael Giacchino’s score does the job, but isn’t all that memorable. He happily mimics John Williams’ style, but doesn’t display the sense of flair or majesty that made Williams’ music for this series so famous. It’s a shame we’ll never get to hear original composer Alexandre Desplat’s work for this film (he couldn’t do the score due to rescheduling around the reshoots).
The cast is a major case of “talented actors let down by a weak script and thin characters”. Try doing the Plinkett thing and describe the characters’ personalities, without talking about their role in the plot or their motivations, and ask yourself if any of them sound interesting. The main character Jyn Erso is especially disappointing, since what initially seems like a personal quest to find her father turns into her just selflessly becoming a noble rebel hero. There’s kind of an arc, sure, but it’s seriously missing any real drama to make the arc meaningful. This is especially bad during the slow and plodding first two acts of the film, which are rather unengaging and even boring at times.
The only somewhat interesting characters are the droid K-2SO (Alan Tudyk), the blind kung-fu former Jedi (Donnie Yen), and the Death Star director (Ben Mendelsohn). The droid is pretty much the only source of humor in the film, and he feels welcome because he doesn’t feel over-the-top (he’s a kind of cross between C3PO and HK-47). Donnie Yen is an insanely charismatic actor, and he makes his character interesting enough that he can overcome the writing. Ben Mendelsohn makes for an entertaining and slimy villain, but he’s let down by the script and the constraints of the canon more than anyone. Mendelsohn’s naturally villainous performance is wasted due to his character’s frequent emasculation at the hands of old franchise baddies Grand Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader.
And therein lies the crux of the matter, both that of the film and of Disney; they focus less on building the future or telling new, interesting stories in lieu of milking the past for all it’s worth. This is best exemplified by Disney’s decision to reintroduce a pair of ANH characters using their creepy, uncanny-valley CGI technology and body doubles. They did this in a few Marvel movies to have actors play younger versions of themselves, but here they use it to bring a dead actor (Peter Cushing as Tarkin) back to life, and it’s quite morbid and uncomfortable when you think about it. They literally bought a dead man’s likeness from his estate to milk it for nostalgia bucks. Is that where we are as a society where we’re totally cool with something like this? Wouldn’t it be much more natural (and cheaper) to just recast the old characters? You know, with human beings and whatnot?
Don’t get me wrong. As an action-space-fantasy movie, “Rogue One” works well enough. I mentioned previously that the first two acts are meh, despite some good moments (like the Death Star’s demonstration on a desert city, and the whole opening scene). Most of the movie was characters traveling from one colorless location to the next, getting into a scuffle with the Empire, then escaping. It’s in the third act where the movie really kicks into gear. The stakes are raised, things feel more urgent, and the bland locations are swapped for a beautiful tropical beach setting with an Empire base on it. It’s basically one large action sequence, but it works. Edwards again uses his excellent sense of scale and visual prowess to make the battle feel epic and exciting. As someone who isn’t a big Star Wars fan, it’s easily the best 30-40 minutes in any of the movies for me.
However, while “Rogue One” gives an admirable effort in being its own thing, it can’t help but keep calling back to the original trilogy just to please its established fanbase. I don’t blame all of the film’s flaws on the reshoots. There’s no obvious difference between original and new footage like a crappy wig or awful, forced humor. And who knows, maybe the reshoots actually made the film better. But at the end, “Rogue One” feels like it doesn’t want to be a Star Wars movie but is forced to be one (pun intended) by its strict parents. So often the characters go on about “hope”, as if they are seeking HOPE of a NEW variety. It may be like poetry (it rhymes), but after a point it becomes less poetry and more beating you over the head with a rhyming dictionary. For future installments, let’s cross our fingers for a little less “hope” and a little more “new”.
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moviemagistrate · 7 years
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“Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” review
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Oh, boy, here we go. For the record, this review is of the extended cut of the film.
I firmly believe that you can make or break a movie in editing. No matter how good the writing, acting, directing, and cinematography are, if a film is poorly edited, it becomes confusing at best, and a complete chore to watch at worst. Such was the case with the theatrical cut of the highly-anticipated (not by me, of course) “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”, a film that despite being two-and-a-half hours long, felt like a rushed and confusing mess. I’m not saying that the extended cut is some sort of masterpiece, but this 3-hour version is what Zack Snyder intended the finished product to be before Warner Bros. got their stupid fucking fingers on it. Characters are given more scenes to be fleshed out, subplots are better developed, and the pacing is significantly improved, amounting to a much more coherent and downright better film. If you saw the theatrical version and are really on the fence about the film, I recommend watching the extended cut.
The movie itself is still fundamentally flawed in some aspects. It’s still a film constrained by the pressure to set up an entire cinematic universe, which makes the story itself suffer. It probably should have been solely about the personal grudge between Batman and Superman and the consequences it takes on both of them, and them eventually teaming up together when they realize they’re not so different and both want the same thing. The actual movie tries to do that, have Lex Luthor try to destroy both of them, introduce Wonder Woman, set up Wonder Woman’s origin story, set-up three other Justice League members’ origin stories, set up the Justice League movie itself, have an investigative Lois Lane subplot, hint at a future bad guy, and create a giant Frankenstein monster for the third act, among other things. The movie does keep most of these plates spinning, but some of them do fall. It’s an ambitious undertaking, but we’re still left with expensive broken china.
The writing is pretty hackneyed, too. If you can explain Lex Luthor’s motivation for hating Superman to me without citing a comic book or saying “it’s just what he does”, please do. They hint at some biblical reason for it (the Christ allegories and symbolism are even less subtle here as they were in “Man of Steel”, to give you an idea), but it came across as Lex hating him for no particular reason and trying to quote scripture to justify it. There are like three extended dream sequences in the movie, which feels like two too many. And then there’s that awful flow-breaking scene where they set-up The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman. I’m reminded of an anecdote where during the making of “Man of Steel”, Zack Snyder wanted to include an after-credits scene but Christopher Nolan opposed, telling him “A real movie wouldn’t do that.” This story is probably bullshit, but I think it’s funny that Snyder made an after-credits scene and just crowbarred it into the middle of the movie.
“Batman v. Superman” attempts (and actually succeeds for a while) to really create a sense of consequence in a comic book movie, with the whole world, particularly Batman, being concerned about Superman’s presence on Earth after the destruction caused in “Man of Steel”. But it’s all kind of thrown out the window when that conflict is immediately dropped after the “MARTHA” scene so they could team up to fight the aforementioned Frankenstein monster. The “MARTHA” scene has become kind of infamous, but I was actually fine with it (even if it could have been better written) until Batman says “Don’t worry. Martha’s not dying tonight”, which got a good howl out of me. It was at the very least an interesting movie until it became the typical third-act destruction fest that has characterized so many superhero flicks, with even a few tonally jarring quips thrown in for good measure. The actual fight between Batman and Superman only lasts for like 5 minutes, despite so much buildup. While fun, it feels really schlocky, especially when Batman rips a sink out of a bathroom wall and starts beating Superman over the head with it. Why they started fighting in the first place instead of talking it out like Superman originally intended is beyond me, as well. Zack Snyder’s penchant for outstanding visuals is never in question (he does handheld camerawork better than pretty much anyone) but his grasp on storytelling has always been a bit iffy, even if this is arguably his best work.
If you’re a comic book fan and weren’t a fan of the characterization in this film, the extended cut won’t change your mind on that. Superman is still kind of a dick, Lex Luthor is still a Jolly Rancher-sucking autist, and Batman still kills people. It (mostly) makes sense in the context in the film, and I personally didn’t care too much, but I know some comic book fans who won’t forgive it. Last but not least, I want to mention what is probably the most annoying product placement I’ve seen in a movie this year. It’s not as bad as a TMNT or Transformers flick, but at least those films didn’t take themselves seriously. There is nothing that can ruin a good, serious scene like a really out-of-place product placement. I was enjoying the scene with Clark Kent and Lois Lane in the bathtub until the camera turned to the bottle of Olay and stayed there for like a solid 2 seconds. The scene I was most looking forward to in the movie (the “Man of Steel” destruction of Metropolis as seen through Bruce Wayne’s eyes, which was really well done) was really hurt by the fact that right before the movie started they showed an ad for the Jeep used in the scene, using footage from the movie. There’s also a scene where Lex Luthor tries to force-feed Holly Hunter a Jolly Rancher. I understand that the movie’s titanic budget has to come from somewhere, but it’s shit like this that really pulls me out of the movie.
The cast is strong, particularly Jeremy Irons’ Alfred and Ben Affleck, who exceeds all expectations as Batman, even if he looks a bit silly in the suit. If nothing else, I’m really looking forward to his solo Batfleck film. Gal Gadot is nothing special, but at least she isn’t terrible. Henry Cavill is solid and likable even when the script lets him down, as is Amy Adams (not to politicize things, but I feel like this movie is getting no credit whatsoever for actually having a female love-interest who is like ten years older than her male counterpart, as opposed to the typical older-male-younger-female one). I like how they try to make Laurence Fishburne’s newspaper editor like a reverse J. Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man, constantly telling Clark Kent to report on some local sports team and admonishing him for writing about a vigilante dressed up as a bat beating the shit out of criminals and branding them.
I could go on, but at least BvS feels like an actual movie, instead of the really long trailer that was “Man of Steel”. Its (many) flaws aside, Zack Snyder is to be commended for using such a massive budget to at least try and do something different and ambitious than typical superhero films, and the fact that he succeeds as much as he does despite so many expectations and so much pressure is to be lauded. His cast is good, his action scenes are brutal and weighty (I loved that “Arkham” style warehouse fight between Batman and a group of armed thugs), his heart is in the right place, and he really, honestly dares to be different. If he had a better script and a not-terrible studio to back him up, “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” would be appreciated for what it is, and not the kind of movie that inspires actual news articles about RottenTomatoes.
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moviemagistrate · 8 years
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“Ghostbusters” review
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Ghostbusters – A “Ghostbusters” reboot is the most politically divisive film of 2016. It’s things like this that make me wonder if we’ve lost our way as a culture. Why people got so up in arms over the casting is beyond me. Personally, I think that anyone who condemns or praises a film solely because of the sex of its leads should be sterilized. But for months ahead of release, I saw almost nonstop articles, Tweets, and arguments about “misogyny” and “the patriarchy” and “raped childhoods” in regards to a silly comedy about people who hunt ghosts, and I started to wonder if it was actually a bad thing that the Chinese will soon take over the West (not that the Chinese would ever allow this film to be released, because Commies are afraid of ghosts or something like that).
It should come as no surprise to anyone with the slightest bit of rationality and foresight, however, that all this controversy would amount to nothing because the film is just a dull, unimaginative slog. I was expecting the movie to be shit because writer/director Paul Feig is a hack who never should have moved past television comedies, and Sony Pictures is a major movie studio run by a bunch of chimps with Down’s Syndrome, and apparently I’m better at pattern recognition than most. But honestly, I can’t even get worked up about “Ghostbusters” because it was just so boring. It never reached the point of being offensively bad like “Suicide Squad”, but this movie doesn’t really have anything going for it either. The lead actresses are fine, and could do well if they had some decent material to work with, but they aren’t funny enough to carry a very improv-heavy feature length film by themselves. A good improvised bit can be like a nice sprinkling of cinnamon on a tasty dessert, but “Ghostbusters” felt like eating several spoonfuls of cinnamon straight from the container. This felt like a modern-day SNL sketch arduously stretched out to two hours.
The improv could have worked if the leads had actual characters to work with, but each one is given just one personality trait (Leslie Jones is scared, Kate McKinnon is koooooky, Kristen Wiig is insecure, and Melissa McCarthy is
there), and they often break their trait for their banter where they constantly try to say funny things and tell jokes, making them feel like a bad college comedy-troupe instead of actual characters. Paul Feig didn’t even bother with any character development; just one forced scene where the animosity between Wiig and McCarthy’s characters, that’s forgotten within 15 minutes, is finally brought up again in the last 5. After a point, I started to feel bad for the cast. I know that McKinnon, Wiig, and McCarthy can do better than this (and have), and even Leslie Jones (who was the worst part of the trailer but is surprisingly the only likable and believable character in the film) deserves more than what she’s given. The only somewhat funny character was the mayoral aide who privately supports the team while publically insulting and condemning them.
As with Paul Feig’s other films, the plot is thin as can be (four women team up to investigate ghosts, start their own business, and before you know it, all hell breaks loose), and it feels very disjointed, with a lot of scenes feeling like they could be put in different orders and it wouldn’t make a difference. As a result, the film fails to properly ramp up in terms of stakes and motivations. There are set-ups without payoffs, and payoffs to things that were never really set up. And of course Feig can’t shoot action or comedy for shit, to the point where even a gifted physical comic like McCarthy looks like she’s lightly swinging at air in her fight scenes. He also clearly misses the R-rating he’s had so far in his feature films, where the lack of jokes is exacerbated without the crutch of swearing to lean on. Plus, as typical of a Sony Pictures movie, there’s enough forced product placement on display to make Michael Bay blush.
The lowest points of the film are the cutesy references to the original film and cameos from the original cast, with the absolute nadir being a scene with a Bill Murray who looks like he’s wondering if it’d be faster to run away from the film set (that he was sued into being on) or to slit his own throat. This just points to a studio product that plays it so safe and close to the original that it doesn’t have any identity of its own, and funnily enough, the gender-swapping of the lead roles is the only decent idea it has to differentiate itself.
As I said before, this wasn’t terrible or painful to watch (possible because I was already detached very early in the movie, but still). I got two chuckles, one from Jones and one from Chris Hemsworth, and a handful of snorts here and there. The CGI, sets, and prop-design are all colorful and surprisingly solid. But the overall movie is just mediocre and a chore to sit through. I normally don’t write lengthy reviews for comedies because there are only so many ways to say something isn’t funny, but the 2016 “Ghostbusters” just isn’t funny, and all the controversy that was brewed up (it wouldn’t surprise me if Sony manufactured the hateful reactions to the trailers themselves to drum up publicity) ultimately led to another one of the same bland, cash-grab remakes that Hollywood has been pumping out for the last several years. Now I may be a sexist, chauvinistic white cis-het misogynist shitlord, but I think the movie-going public deserves better than this, even those dumb bitc
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moviemagistrate · 8 years
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My 2016 TIFF Roundup
These are the movies I saw at the 2016 Toronto International Film Festival.
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The Magnificent Seven – At a film festival like TIFF, which is mainly meant for foreign, independent, arthouse films and prestige pictures, “The Magnificent Seven”, a remake of John Sturges’ 1960 original and an unapologetic, old-fashioned Western, stands out. As a genre-film aficionado, that appealed to me enough that I saw this movie even though it would come out in theaters a few weeks later.
And I’m glad I did. “The Magnificent Seven” is just plain, loud, over-the-top fun. If you see the trailer, the movie is exactly what you think it’ll be like. A woman seeks frontier justice against the power-hungry coal baron who terrorizes her town and murdered her husband, and pays a bounty hunter (Denzel Washington, who looks like he was born to play a cowboy in this movie) to go after him. He recruits 6 more outlaws, killers, and warriors to aid him in his quest to protect the honest townsfolk from the evil businessman and his army. Whiskey is drunk, guns are drawn, banter is exchanged, and lots of people get shot and blown up. Antoine Fuqua (an expert in making solid genre flicks) keeps the movie paced well, gives the characters breathing space to flesh out a bit, and makes the action loud, exciting, and well-filmed. No shaky-cam bullshit here, just good, efficient filmmaking with lots of nice Western vistas.
The cast is strong, especially Washington and Chris Pratt (who I worried would be out of place but acquits himself well here), along with solid supporting players. The writing is nothing special, but gets the job done, although there are some unfortunate missed opportunities at character development and payoffs, especially when it comes to Ethan Hawke’s (fabulously named) Goodnight Robicheaux, a former Confederate sharpshooter who hung up his guns. Also, a minor issue, but the film severely overestimates how effective a mid-19th century gatling gun is.
There’s nothing altogether remarkable about this remake from a quality standpoint, but in a year filled with failed reboots and sequels and unremarkable superhero films, a good, solid personality-filled Western shoot-em-up about a multicultural team of badasses teaming up against the evil establishment is more than a welcome breath of fresh air.
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Elle – I saw this movie solely because Paul Verhoeven directed a sizable portion of my childhood (Robocop, Total Recall, and Starship Troopers), and he has enough goodwill based on that alone that I’ll check out anything he makes. While his European films are noticeably different from his American action classics, one thing that hasn’t faltered is his skill as a director and unique voice in telling provocative stories. “Elle” certainly has one hell of an opening. A wealthy middle-aged woman named Michùle is attacked and raped in her home in France. After the intruder leaves, Michùle calmly collects herself, cleans herself and her home, and goes to work the next day as if nothing is wrong. The rest of the movie is about her conducting her own investigation into finding out who attacked her as we learn about her feelings and why she doesn’t notify the police, as well as her complicated relationships with her friends, neighbors and family.
I can definitely see a lot of people getting offended by this movie’s depiction of rape and its consequences on the main character, but considering how complex and unpredictable human beings can be, this is one of the most bracing, raw and honest depictions of the subject I’ve ever seen. Put it simply, this isn’t your typical rape-revenge film. The excellent writing and Verhoeven’s strong command of the material and his cast elevates it beyond what I thought possible. The characters are very well-defined, with all their own quirks and needs and insecurities, and despite how uncomfortable the film can be, it’s also surprisingly very funny in how it presents them and their relationships with each other, especially during a fantastic Christmas dinner scene where all the characters and their animosities come together. There is a lot of gossiping, resentment, passive-aggressiveness and cuckoldry on display (it’s a French movie, so no surprise there). The film is certainly lurid, but everything from the story and performances to the themes and subtext is done so well that you can’t stop watching. At no moment during its two-and-a-half-hour running time was I bored.
“Elle” is a film I wouldn’t recommend to everyone due to its’ length and subject matter, but thanks to the strong writing, Paul Verhoeven’s direction, and a stunning lead performance from Isabelle Hupert, this a bold, gripping, and surprisingly entertaining film that is absolutely worth going out of your way to see if you can stomach it. Plus, there’s a really cute cat. With that out of the way; please come back to America and make another gory, over-the-top action film, Mr. Verhoeven. Hollywood needs you more than you need it.
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Mascots – To me, a mark of a good comedy is if it makes me laugh a lot. By that criteria, Christopher Guest’s latest mockumentary about a professional mascot competition and its participants is a good comedy. There’s not much to say about this film if you’re familiar with Guest’s other improv-heavy comedy films, and structurally it’s very similar to “Best in Show”. It’s not as good as that gem, partly because it feels like a more manufactured scenario, a parody of a part of culture and a competition that doesn’t feel real in the first place (as opposed to the biting satire of the very real world of professional dog-shows), and partly because Fred Willard is only in this for like 5-10 minutes instead of 40-45. Guest regulars Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara’s absences are also felt.
Still, what I like about Guest’s style of comedy that I despise about the Judd Apatow/SNL style of improv is the timing. He knows how to edit his jokes and his characters to keep them funny, and he knows when to let a joke go, as opposed to letting it linger and rot. The fact that he doesn’t write screenplays or hold any rehearsals for himself and his cast pretty much means that he films them performing improv and leaves in whatever is funny. Despite the aforementioned absences, the cast here is still great (with standout performances by Parker Posey, Susan Yeagley, and the guy who fucks from “Silicon Valley”), the movie has plenty of laughs and a surprising amount of poignancy and sweetness, and some of the actual mascot routines in the latter half of the movie are breathtaking, particularly one involving an expressionist modern-dance piece about feminism and art while dressing up as an armadillo.
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Nocturnal Animals – A problem a lot of movies have for me in particular is when they’re tonally or stylistically inconsistent, feeling like two separate movies at odds with each other. Tom Ford’s “Nocturnal Animals” is a rare example of a movie with strikingly different stories complementing each other and actually improving the end product. The film is about a LA art exhibitor played by Amy Adams, who has an unhappy personal life despite her successful professional life. One day, her long-estranged ex-husband sends her a copy of his upcoming novel, a violent thriller about a family man terrorized by hillbillies in West Texas. The movie cuts between the novel’s story, Adams’ current life, and her past relationship with the ex-husband.
Tom Ford showed with his debut “A Serious Man” that he was great at filming and telling a story about people in rich houses being sad, as he does here, but also displays an uncanny talent at filming a gritty desert-set revenge tale. The parallels between the real life story and the novel are very finely drawn, and while I found the novel sections much more gripping and interesting than the Amy Adams story, the seemingly-disparate styles and tones never clash and instead fit really well with each other, creating a movie that is more than the sum of its parts. For a fashion designer, it’s surprising how good of a writer and director Tom Ford is, and he shows that “A Single Man” wasn’t just beginner’s luck.
Also helping the movie is the fantastic cast. Jake Gyllenhaal gives one of his best performances as both the ex-husband and the protagonist of the novel story, and Amy Adams shows incredible nuance and subtlety, reminding us why she is one of the best actresses working today. Michael Shannon steals the show for me (yes, I love him and I’m biased, shut up) as a shady detective in the novel’s story. All the supporting players are great as well, even if their roles aren’t as meaty.
My main complaints are that the dialogue is sometimes silly, some of the supporting characters are pretty one-dimensional and cartoonish (Amy Adam’s current-day husband played by Armie Hammer is a distant businessman who has to go away to New York to “make that very important sale”), and that the editing is a little wonky and overdone at some minor points. I initially had mixed-feelings about the ending, feeling that it was a bit anticlimactic and expected more to happen, but after thinking about it and how it ties to the movie’s themes and character relationships, I like it a lot more in retrospect. Unlike the movie, I can’t think of a good way to wrap this review up, but I’ll say that “Nocturnal Animals” is engaging, unique, and worth checking out, so let’s move on.
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Free Fire – This is the most fun I’ve had in a theater since “Mad Max: Fury Road”. I wasn’t a huge fan of Ben Wheatley’s previous films, but among the material I didn’t really care for, I saw an undeniable talent in his work. Here, it’s like he used his powers to make a movie precisely for me.
The film is about an arms deal that takes place in a warehouse between two groups of criminals that quickly gets out of hand after shots are fired in the exchange. The remaining 70 minutes of this 90-minute long movie is basically one really long shootout as everyone picks sides, betray each other, and get increasingly wounded while rarely ceasing their shit-talking. Think “Reservoir Dogs” as a comedy of miscommunication. In an amazing feat of filmmaking, Wheatley makes sure that this lengthy shootout set mostly in one large room isn’t boring for a second. His smart, gradual escalation of events punctuated with a number of “holy shit” moments and set pieces, held together by excellent editing, keeps the film exciting and darkly funny throughout. In between the big moments, characters take pause to hurl expletives at each other and ponder their own situation as they desperately try to get out of it, adding up to people you care about and are interested in even if they’re all dicks. This is a brilliant example of how important pacing and characterization is to a film, especially to one with so little plot.
Also helping is the hilarious banter, delivered by a wonderful and colorful cast of characters played by a small but absolutely stellar cast. Everyone, from big players like Armie Hammer and Brie Larson to even the smaller parts, is great and play their characters perfectly, with a standout performance by Sharlto Copley as an unhinged, self-absorbed arms dealer who causes much of the conflict in the film. I also want to mention the sound design, which is some of the best in recent memory, with every bullet fired feeling like a loud jolt to one’s system. The writing is highly enjoyable on a superficial level, and even carries a bit of depth with the shootout being a clever allegory for human nature and what happens when idiots own guns.
“Free Fire” is by far the best movie I saw at TIFF, and if/when it gets a theatrical release, I implore you to go see it. The only complaints I can think of are that the ending is just alright, and after a certain point you start to wonder where some of the characters keep getting their ammo from.  I saw it with a great crowd at a Midnight Madness showing, an extremely rare example of a crowd improving the viewing experience. I will (hopefully) watch this movie again before I compile my 2016 year-in-review to see if it stands up to repeated viewings, but for the time being, “Free Fire” is the film to beat.
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moviemagistrate · 8 years
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“Suicide Squad” review
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I’m probably going to spoil parts of the movie here. I also probably won’t proofread this review after I finish writing it. I don’t care, honestly, because just thinking about the aptly-named “Suicide Squad” makes me lose the will to live.
Full disclosure, I went into this film expecting it to be garbage even before the negative reviews started pouring in. When I heard that Warner Bros. were planning massive reshoots and rewrites to “make the movie more light-hearted”, a million red flags went up for me. It’s one thing to add in a few additional shots or lines, but WB wanted to fundamentally alter the film’s DNA, while still retaining much of the original footage. The result isn’t so much a new film but rather two films horrifically Frankensteined together, not unlike last year’s “Fantastic Four” (how’s that for a comparison?) The first half is atrocious. It’s just a series of introductions to the main cast that all feel like badly-edited music videos. EVERY. GODDMAN. SCENE in the first half of the movie has some really out-of-place popular song that is not only groan-inducing but also doesn’t fit the tone of the scene in most cases. Slipknot doesn’t even get one of these introductions (not that it matters much since he’s killed off about 10 minutes after we first meet him). His intro amounts to another character saying the funniest line of the movie; “That’s Slipknot. He can climb ANYTHING.” Whoa.
I don’t know how much of this you can blame on the reshoots, but the plot is fundamentally retarded, as well. Putting aside the basic idea that the contingency plan for a rogue god-like superhero is just a small team of criminals with guns and melee weapons, only two of whom have actual powers, the story progression beats are dumb as well. The main villain is an all-powerful witch that was supposed to be on the squad but escapes because the government was very lenient in looking after her. Upon being rescued, Viola Davis’ government higher-up kills her subordinates because they “didn’t have clearance” or something like that, even though it was literally their job to help her run everything. At one point, the Joker shows up, takes Harley Quinn away from the squad, only to crash and die (but not really), and she just returns a minute later. In wanting to show his trust, the soldier in charge of the Squad smashes his explosion-app phone, and allows them to leave if they want to. In the ONLY genuinely funny moment in the movie, comic relief character Captain Boomerang wordlessly gets up and leaves. In a move I will never forgive Warner Bros. for, he just returns unceremoniously a minute later (there might be a boomerang joke there, but that’s giving the script too much credit). During the climax, the Squad has a fight with the witch, during which no one even gets hurt so it feels pretty pointless, before she says to stop and tries to coax them into joining her by making them envision and promising them their greatest desires (once again wasting the character’s potential, Captain Boomerang’s is never shown).
The characters might have been the saving grace, but they are all handled incredibly poorly. Despite being “bad guys” (which they verbally remind each other and the audience throughout), they are more like quirky Guardians of the Galaxy-esque heroes, spouting quips and doing the right thing even when it’s against their supposed nature. El Diablo makes sense, as he’s trying to repent for his sins, but why do the rest of them have morals? Why, during Diablo’s story about how he accidentally killed his family, does Harley Quinn un-ironically give him a “how could you do such a monstrous thing?” reaction. What little character development any of them have feels rushed and/or forced, where by the end they are willing to sacrifice themselves for each other and calling themselves a “family” despite having only met a few hours earlier and only exchanged a few quips here and there. Where they could have made genuinely interesting characters by making the main-characters actual villainous anti-heroes who act against the government even while working for them, Warner Bros. just made them typical Marvel heroes, spouting typical Marvel quips while killing typical Marvel cannon-fodder enemies and trying to close a typical Marvel sky portal that can destroy the world or whatever it was supposed to do, except doing it all worse. It doesn’t help that Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Katana, and even Joker are all useless and have literally no practical purpose for being in the plot.
How do you fuck up a movie so badly that even Will Smith can’t save it? Smith is one of the few good things about this movie, basically playing his typical leading-man Will Smith persona but he’s so charismatic and likable that you can’t help but feel bad for him for being in this dreck. The rest of the cast is a mixed bag. Margo Robbie has the potential to play a good Harley Quinn, but none of her jokes work (a combination of her delivery and the awful script) and as mentioned before, she’s written to be way too sympathetic. Jai Courtney (Boomerang) had the career-first potential to be good here, but is barely used and what little comic relief he provides is squandered. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (who I was actually looking forward to in this movie) has only like 6 lines as Killer Croc underneath all that makeup, and all of them make him sound like a black stereotype; as a favor for accomplishing the mission at the end, he asks for BET in his cell, which is a step above asking for fried chicken and grape-drank, so at least there’s that. The guy playing El Diablo is alright. The actors playing Col. Flagg and Katana are forgettable. Oscar-nominee Viola Davis is actually pretty bad as the government head of the squad, looking bored throughout and giving stilted line-deliveries while failing to be intimidating. Speaking of which, Cara Delevingne (in her witch form) looks and talks like a particularly poorly-written Game of Thrones character, and is probably the least intimidating villain I’ve ever seen in a comic book movie. Ben Affleck is in the movie for like, a minute. That’s all there is to him.
And how can I forget Jared Leto’s performance as Joker? No seriously, how? Please tell me. He decided that playing the most famous bad guy in comic history would be to act like a Tourette-afflicted edgy teenager who rebels against his upper-class parents by shopping at Hot Topic. At least he was entertainingly cringe-worthy, unlike most of the movie, which is just the regular kind. Who knows, maybe in all that cut footage of him lies a good performance or character arc, but he seems less like a demented criminal mastermind and more like the type of person who would giggle maniacally to himself after tearing the tag off of his mattress. Also, if there’s a word for the introduction version of an anti-climax, Joker’s first appearance in the film is exactly that.
In summary, the acting ranges from decent to bad, the characters are weak, the writing is abysmal, the plot is nonsensical, the tone is all over the place, the music choices are head-drillingly irritating, the action scenes are dull to the point where I zoned out quite a bit during them, and all-in-all a movie that should’ve been stylish and cool is just drab and embarrassing. I know that director David Ayer is better than this (and that he didn’t even have any say in the final edit) and I’m sure there’s a decent cut of this film somewhere, so instead of blaming him I’m going to blame Warner Bros., a studio that gives Sony Pictures a run for their money in terms of sheer incompetency. They’re in such a hurry to catch up to Marvel that they forgot to properly set up their universe and don’t even have a clear vision for what they want to accomplish, story-wise. Say what you will about the MCU and how formulaic a lot of their movies are, but at least Kevin Feige has a vision for his series and makes it work. WB saw the less-than-ideal performance of “Batman v Superman”, panicked, and butchered Ayer’s film to try and make it appeal to as many people as possible, ultimately appealing to no one.
Hell, give Zack Snyder the reigns the DCEU. He’s not without his flaws, but he’s the closest thing to an auteur working in superhero films today and he’s infinitely more competent in telling a story than the hacks who edited the “Suicide Squad” I saw in theaters. Who is the real Suicide Squad? Is it the team of “bad guys” in the movie? Or is it the audience who is forced to endure this piece of shit? If there is justice, it will be the executives at Warner Bros. who should be forced by shareholders to commit ritualistic suicide live on The CW following “Arrow”.
Or just punched in the stomach.
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moviemagistrate · 8 years
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“London Has Fallen” review
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London Has Fallen – Holy hell, where do I even begin? Rare is the movie where I honestly cannot tell if it’s trying to be a comedy or not. It has a serious post-9/11 depiction of terrorism, but it treats all the bad guys like cannon fodder to be disposed of in spectacular ways. It has some lines about the consequences of U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East, but these lines are throwaway at best and never brought up again. It tries to somewhat humanize its villains, but it also has Gerard Butler executing a wheel-chair bound terrorist before going on a tirade about how they’ll never win and that America will still be standing in a thousand years (not sure if the Third Reich comparison is intentional). The movie also has the following gem of a line: “Why don’t you boys pack up your shit and head back to Fuckheadistan or wherever it is you’re from?”
The action scenes are competently shot/staged, if unremarkable (despite a fun CGI-assisted long-take shootout). The script feels like it was either written in a weekend or improvised on the spot by Butler and company. In fact, I feel like this wasn’t originally written as a sequel to “Olympus Has Fallen”. None of the previous movie’s events are referenced, and all the recurring cast members (save for Butler and Aaron Eckhart) feel like glorified crowbarred-in cameos. It’s absurd to have a White House cabinet of Oscar winners/nominees and give them all a collective 5 minutes of screen-time. I’m pretty sure Oscar-winner Melissa Leo doesn’t even have any lines. I’m sure the paycheck was nice, at least. The first 15 minutes or so are fairly boring, even if things pick up considerably afterwards.
The one indisputable quality this movie has is Gerard Butler. Butler gives a genuinely jaw-dropping performance as bloodthirsty and very likely insane Secret Service agent Mike Banning (our hero, naturally). Mike Banning is the type of guy who reacts to getting shot in the shoulder and the birth of his child with roughly the same facial expression. Mike Banning is the type of guy who despite being very proficient with and usually having convenient access to firearms, frequently elects to brutally stab the bad guys numerous times with a combat knife. (“Was that really necessary?” President Aaron Eckhart asks after Banning slowly stabs a terrorist in the ribs to death while making his brother listen via walkie-talkie. “No”, Banning bluntly admits.)
Even from the peaceful initial scenes of him accompanying the President on a jog or talking to his wife, you can tell something is very off about him. We as the audience are of course expecting/awaiting shit to hit the fan, but Butler is nearly trembling with anticipation to start murdering terrorists during these scenes. Butler makes almost every bit of dialogue sound like a badass one-liner, on one occasion offering the President a glass of water while saying “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty as fuck”, spewing the word “fuck” out of the side of his mouth like a shotgun blast. Even on the off-chance that the movie isn’t taking the piss, Butler most definitely is. I’m not being ironic when I say that this is one of the great comic performances of our time, and the success of the movie (for me) is due to the movie being centered around Butler and his hilariously absurd machoism.
The director of this movie is an Iranian who escaped his war-torn home to Sweden as a boy. This, coupled with Butler’s performance, Butler and Eckhart’s borderline-homoerotic bromance, the ridiculous one-liners and speeches, and an indefensibly heroic portrayal of drone-warfare, makes me feel like “London Has Fallen” is really one big satire of U.S. foreign policy subtly disguised as a stupid, offensive action movie, something conservative idiots will applaud, liberal idiots will condemn, and fun, smart, attractive people will appreciate and enjoy for what it is. I saw this and “Gods of Egypt” with a few friends as a sort of once-in-a-lifetime Gerard Butler double-feature, and I had a grand time.
I felt like I could smell this movie, and I like that. Watching “London Has Fallen” is like having sex; You wouldn’t want someone walking in on you during, and you’ll probably want to take a shower afterwards, but once you get past the initial foreplay, it’s a great time from start to raucous, bloody finish. 
Wow, that metaphor got gross in a hurry.
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moviemagistrate · 8 years
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“Warcraft” review
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Warcraft – I’ll start this by saying that I’m not a Warcraft fan and have never played any of the games. With that out of the way

"Warcraft" is the nerdiest movie I think I've ever seen. It was so geeky, I felt like watching and enjoying it gave me my virginity back. This movie was made for Warcraft fans and literally nobody else (maybe the Chinese, but they're an easy-to-please bunch).
I actually really admire that. In an age where almost all blockbusters are watered-down, homogenized garbage made by people who seek maximum profit by catering to the largest possible demographic, seeing Universal Pictures take such a risk and sinking $160 million (plus marketing) into a film so niche and nerdy warms my heart. A movie that tries to please everybody pleases nobody in particular, and I'm happy for the Warcraft nerds for having their own cinematic moment.
The movie itself is kind of a mess. Even putting aside the stuff you probably need to be a WC fan to understand, the pacing is wonky, the script is weak, most of the human cast is bland, the editing sucks, and it ends very anticlimactically. While Duncan Jones (who is the main reason I saw this movie) pulls off some impressive visuals and great moments, the movie for the most part lacks the epic feel you’d expect in a big-budget fantasy movie. I was able to follow the basic story, but I was definitely lost at times, and remember like, 3 or 4 of the characters’ names.
“Warcraft” certainly has its positives, however. While most of the human cast is underwritten or boring, Travis Fimmel and Ben Foster are both very good in their roles, easily standing out from their cardboard cut-out castmates. The orcs won the lottery on their actors, all of whom play the orcs with such conviction that they feel more believable than most of their human counterparts. Even the writing was better during the orc scenes, weirdly. Speaking of believable, the special effects on display are fantastic. Between the amazing-looking orcs, the magic effects and the scenery, the CG artists have definitely earned their paychecks on this one. The battle scenes were fun, and (THANK GOD) shot clearly without using shaky-cam or fast editing, those two errant turds on the delicious pie of most action films. It’s also nice to see a movie that seems like it was created out of love and affection by people who actually care for the franchise, and who don’t feel the need to make it ironic or quippy.
While I mentioned that the writing is weak (most characters are frustratingly undeveloped and there are lots of important-sounding proper nouns that left me scratching my head), I see plenty of room for improvement, and with more refinement and focus, I can see a great sequel arising from this. I genuinely hope this franchise continues, because even though it’s not my thing and certainly not without its weaknesses, I enjoyed it for the most part and it feels like such a refreshing medicine to the disease of bland, corporate modern blockbusters that I don’t mind the odd taste or that the spoon is made from frozen fanboy wank.
Note: While I am quite certain of my position on the “straight” side of the sexuality spectrum, I would fuck the shit out of Travis Fimmel. The guy’s got leading-man charisma up the ass and a pair of eyes that make you sigh longingly as your look out your window and daydream while you write a movie review at 2 a.m. on a Saturday night.
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moviemagistrate · 8 years
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2015 Movie Year in Review
2015 movies I saw, ranked worst to best, with the occasional somewhat-funny joke thrown in.
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Note: I don’t really count it as a film, and I obviously haven’t watched the whole thing, but Shia LaBeouf’s “#ALLMYMOVIES” is the rare piece of performance art that actually got to me, and I wanted to mention it. His 3-day odyssey in watching all of his movies in reverse chronological order in a public theater open to everyone is a sad, hilarious, and intimate window into a person’s soul that feels incredibly genuine and personal despite (or possibly because) the complete lack of sound. I used to hate Shia LaBeouf for his annoying performances in crap movies, but between this, his motivational video, and his recent performance in “Fury”, he has won me over. I hope you found whatever you were looking for, Shia.
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65. Fantastic Four – It’s hard to judge “Fantastic Four” as an actual movie. If you know the story of its’ troubled production and editing (director Josh Trank being unruly, trashing his hotel rooms, and allegedly making Kate Mara cry, tons of reshoots made by Fox Studios because they didn’t like Trank’s original version, etc.) you view it differently and understand how a lot of behind-the-scenes drama affected what is seen on-screen. Josh Trank’s “Fantastic Four” is less of a film and more of a cautionary tale of how not to handle a major summer release. Nonetheless, I’m going to try to review it anyway.
Man, what a fucking mess. I often criticize movies for being inconsistent but this actually feels like two different movies horribly Frankensteined together. One is Josh Trank’s dark, sci-fi body-horror take on the famous comic characters. The other is Fox’s last-minute attempt to make it an Avengers-style superhero team-up film. Committing to one side or the other could have made the film work, but the final result is just painfully uneven.
I don’t hate “Floptastic Four”, mainly because I went into the movie fully expecting it to be shit. In fact, there are even parts of the movie I liked. I was actually on-board for the first 30-40 minutes, where the film is more about science and the ensuing horror the characters feel when they gain their powers. This approach felt refreshing for a comic book movie, and I would have liked to see this style continue. While I believe the stories of Trank being a huge asshole on set, it’s hard not to feel bad for him for having his own (potentially good) movie taken away from him. I would genuinely love to see a Director’s Cut of the film. Still, I’m reviewing what I actually saw, rather than what could have been, so I’ll just list (some of) the problems I had with the final product:
-          Wildly inconsistent tone
-          Actors are bland (except for Tim Heidecker)
-          Tim Heidecker only has like, 2 lines
-          Much of the 2nd act is replaced by a title card: “One year later”
-          3rd act is about 10 godawful minutes long
-          Several scenes shown in trailers not in the movie
-          Michael B. Jordan’s Johnny Storm has literally no relevance to the plot. He’s just there
-          Character dynamics/conflicts are introduced but never touched on again
-          Kate Mara’s wig for the reshoots
-          That horrible, cutesy final scene when they come up with a team name
Apparently, you CAN tank the Trank.
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64. Blackhat – I really wanted to like this movie. Michael Mann is one of the best directors working today, his crime movies and sense of style unmatched in modern day cinema, but in “Blackhat” the story is so dramatically lifeless and uninvolving (it’s basically a 2-hour-long crime procedural about hacking), and the characters so humorless and uninteresting that even Mann’s direction can’t save it. Not that he doesn’t try; his use of close-ups and lingering shots on his actors suggest deeper meaning and emotional connection that the weak script doesn’t have, but he doesn’t do much to develop it. Mann’s trademark gunfights still pack a loud, mean punch, but here they’re too short and mostly unmemorable. It doesn’t help that with the murky lighting and handheld camerawork, the movie is also quite visually unpleasant (a first for Mann). A number of people liked to sperg out over the fact that a brilliant reclusive criminal hacker (the lead character) is played by the beefy and charismatic Chris Hemsworth, but he does an alright job, considering the crap material.
“Blackhat” has its moments and it’s more forgettable and dull than outright terrible, but it’s still a damn shame that this movie is as poor as it is. If I didn’t know Mann any better, I’d say he gives the word “hack” a new meaning in this movie.
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63. Terminator Genisys – Time travel movies are so fucking dumb. If that wasn’t already apparent from pretty much every single one of them (besides the “Back to the Future” movies), the stupidly-titled “Terminator Genisys” definitely makes sure to hammer home how retarded they are. Rather than be keep it simple and engaging, most movies of the genre (especially in this case) make their time-travel rules as needlessly convoluted and contradictory as possible, likely in the hopes of forcing the audience to give up trying to make sense of it all and to forget the garbage they’re being forced to swallow. Hell, even the previous Terminator films are pretty dumb when it comes to time-travel, getting increasingly confusing with every passing film (except for “Terminator Salvation”, which eschewed time-travel in favor of being boring). The reason they are hailed as classic action movies (well, the first two anyway) is because they had enough good acting, strong characters, great action scenes and James Cameron’s typically fantastic storytelling to prop them up.
The basic plot for the latest one involves a young Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese teaming up with an older Terminator to stop the Judgement Day apocalypse, while eluding other terminators. So basically the plot of the first two movies combined. In fact, the entire first hour or so of the movie feels like it’s happily jerking off James Cameron’s works, ripping off entire scenes down to the camera angles and dialogue in some cute but desperate attempt at homage, making the movie feel like big-budget fanfiction. Except now, Sarah Connor is played by Emilia “Mother of all Bad Actresses” Clarke, who not only doesn’t look like the tough, ripped Sarah Connor that she’s supposed to be, but also acts like a whiny, spoiled child with hammy line delivery and a laughably awful attempt at a North American accent. To make matters worse, the formerly wiry, vulnerable, and frantic Kyle Reese is now a beefy, personality-deficient grunt played by the humorless and boring Jai Courtney. If the movie had a twist that he was actually a robot, it’d be the most amazing and cleverly implemented plot twist in movie history, but alas, it’s just wishful thinking on my part. He and Clarke have zero chemistry together, which leads to a romance subplot so forced that I think it counts as rape in several states. It’s a bit spoiler-y to say who the main villain is (although the trailer and even some of the fucking posters give it away), but even though I don’t entirely blame the actor playing him, he is the least intimidating baddie in this franchise yet. The writing is also shit, where most scenes are just characters giving expository dialogue and explaining to the audience where they are and what they are doing, with little to no character building.
The filmmaking is not as terrible as the acting, casting, and writing. It’s honestly more bland than bad. Alan Taylor is a competent director, but he does nothing to elevate the material. The best thing he does is keep things going at a fairly quick pace, which at the very least makes the movie watchable, even at its most hilariously awful. Some of the CGI is neat (particularly a recreation of T1-era Arnold), but since Alan Taylor is no James Cameron, it’s handled with hardly any style or visual flair, and none of it will age nearly as well as the effects in T2, which STILL look better than the new one. The PG-13 rating also hurts, making things feel even more sterile and committee-approved that they already are.
The movie does have one saving grace, however, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger. He may be playing a robot, but he’s still the liveliest and most fun thing in this entire movie. He may be older, but he’s still the same Arnold we know and love, stomping around, cracking one-liners and kicking ass just like he used to, and thanks to some good makeup and his unmatched charisma, he still looks and acts incredibly badass. Despite feeling like a supporting character, this is the best he’s been since he came back to acting, and you can tell that he’s having a great time, and when he does his thing, that fun is infectious. It’s clear he really wanted this project to be good. He deserves better than what Geny
genisy
gen
this movie gives him.
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62. Kung Fury – I never thought that a 30-minute short film on YouTube, funded through Kickstarter, would become the victim of its own hype, but such is the case with “Kung Fury”. Made as a parody of 80’s movies and culture, “Kung Fury” received a great deal of buzz following its trailer popping up on the internet after years of development. I can understand why a lot of people like it as much as they do, but as a personal fan of cheesy 80’s movies, it ringed hollow and insincere to me. What makes a satire of an entire era of filmmaking work is a genuine love for and note-perfect imitation of the source material, and while “Kung Fury” has some funny and cool parts, it seems more like the filmmakers know of the clichĂ©s they are spoofing, but never really understood that what made them entertaining, not the least of which was a general lack of self-awareness. In failing to capture the tone and feel of what it’s making fun of, “Kung Fury” didn’t feel like a parody of old 80’s movies. It felt like a parody of those parodies.
My main problem with this movie was that much of the time, it seemed far too pleased with itself, despite not being all that funny. The humor was more lolsorandom than actually funny and clever, content to throw dinosaurs, Nazis, Vikings, etc. at the audience without putting much effort into making it work. There was an awkward pause after every new character/element was introduced, like someone removed the laugh track from an unfunny sitcom. It was almost all concept and little execution. Also, bizarrely for a short film, it suffers from pacing issues. While the first 10 minutes or so were pretty funny and entertaining, the movie just falls apart and drags heavily for the next 15 minutes before picking things up again for the climax. I think it would have worked much better if it was around 10 minutes along. I was generally amused by “Kung Fury”, but the whole thing just feels like an overbudgeted YouTube sketch (which I suppose it is), and there are much better ways to make a satire like this (see: “Black Dynamite”). David Hasselhoff’s “True Survivor” was great, though.
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61. Avengers: Age of Ultron – I was wondering when the law of diminishing returns was going to hit the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I wasn’t a huge fan of the original Avengers movie, but I can appreciate its shallow, inconsequential fun. In fact, I began to miss the first one while watching Age of Ultron, an overstuffed mess of a sequel that is amusing at best and obnoxious and frustrating at worst. It just felt like a chore to watch. The movie felt like one gigantic ad for all the upcoming MCU material, rather than a fun, satisfying superhero movie. Being forced to include so many characters, plot points, foreshadowings and easter eggs cannot be an easy task, and watching Age of Ultron, I could feel writer/director Joss Whedon’s will to live slowly seep away from him. The action scenes look neat, but overall they lack any sense of excitement and they tend to drag on way too long.
Character work is Whedon’s strength (a funny party scene and the part in the farmhouse were the highlights for me), but he hardly has any time to develop any particular character before having to hit the next plot point or action beat, making almost everyone feel underused, and giving the great cast little to work with (Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye is an exception, and is the best part of the movie). The cringeworthy, quip-heavy humor doesn’t help matters. Quips are fine, if used sparingly, but in this movie it feels like every other line of dialogue is some lame, forced one-liner that is meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator of moviegoer, and the misses far outweigh the hits here. The romance between Black Widow and Bruce Banner feels like it came out of nowhere and is particularly forced and unnecessary. Ultron himself is talked up to be some unstoppable, scary monster, but regularly gets his ass handed to him by the Avengers, and of all the characters that SHOULD NOT have any corny quips but do anyway, he’s right there at the top.
“Avengers: Age of Ultron” is not a terrible movie, but while not without its positives, it frustratingly feels more like a manufactured product rather than something that the people involved actually wanted to make, and I don’t blame Joss Whedon for not returning to the MCU after this. I generally like the Marvel movies, but the studio really needs to step its game up if they want to remain fresh, and keep making all that delicious money that people who pretend to be nerds happily throw at them.
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60. American Ultra – If you plan on seeing this movie because you think it’s like “Pineapple Express”, drop that expectation. The story is about a lazy, anxiety-ridden stoner (played by Jesse Eisenberg) who is unaware that he’s a highly-trained sleeper agent who is hunted by the CIA and goes on the run with his live-in girlfriend (Kristen Stewart). While you could call “American Ultra” a pot-fueled action comedy, it’s very different from something you’d get out of a Judd Apatow flick. Tonally, this is a very bizarre movie, combining a gentle slacker romance with an ultra-violent action thriller, but this feels less like a mashup of genres and more like a head-on collision of them. The movie veers back and forth between action, comedy, and romance without ever finding a comfortable groove that mixes them.
However, the movie is hard to hate, partly because the individual elements are all done fairly well. The action is stylish, despite being needlessly bloody and brutal. The comedy, while there’s not as much as you’d expect or like, can be quite funny mainly thanks to Eisenberg’s comic timing. The romance was surprisingly my favorite part of the movie, due to the sweet and likable relationship between Eisenberg and Stewart, and their natural and easy chemistry with each other (the two had previously co-starred in the underrated “Adventureland”). It’s a shame that Eisenberg has such a narrow range, seemingly always playing a variation of the young, nebbish outcast, but he makes the most of the material, keeping his character engaging and relatively grounded amidst all the blood and explosions, and I would love to see a behind-the-scenes clip of seeing Jesse Eisenberg go through combat training.
The supporting cast is good but wasted, with the exception of Topher Grace, who plays one of the least threatening villains I’ve ever seen in a movie. I don’t blame his performance, which could have worked if the movie was more overtly comedic, but other than a few funny moments, his character doesn’t really fit the story, which itself has more holes than Swiss cheese.
Max “I’m a whiny bitch who complains on Twitter when my movie doesn’t do well” Landis’ script has some good moments (a conversation about cars and trees stands out) but mainly comes across as unfocused and again, the schizophrenic tonal shifts are the main problem here. Overall, “American Ultra” isn’t bad but it’s definitely less than the sum of its parts, feeling like a sad case of wasted potential, and unlike Max Landis, I understand how this movie wouldn’t appeal to most people. For a movie with so much pot in it, “American Ultra” feels half-baked.
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59. Spectre – I didn’t include the full review on this list because (like the film) it’s too damn long. Here’s the link for the full review.
http://moviemagistrate.tumblr.com/post/135143028251/spectre-review
tl;dr, it sucked
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58. Inside Out – When I first saw the trailer for “Inside Out” I said to myself “Boy, can’t wait for Pixar to let me down again”, given their recent track record. Even with my diminished expectations, I was still somehow proven right. A big problem with the movie was the characters. The main character Joy, is thankfully not as one dimensional as everyone else, but isn’t particularly compelling herself. She gets the job done, but she feels far too similar to other characters that voice actress Amy Poehler plays (particularly Leslie Knope) to feel like her own thing. The other emotions are entirely one-dimensional, and the movie gets rather dull when you know exactly how they will all react to a certain situation.
In general, the movie is incredibly predictable. As soon as the characters enter a certain location in the girl’s mind, you know almost precisely what will happen in a few minutes. The only exceptions are situations that feel entirely contrived and only serve to artificially and unsatisfyingly lengthen the plot like some off-brand writer’s Viagra. I don’t normally mind predictability, but when the characters don’t make me care, the plot is forced to stand on its own and doesn’t do a very good job of it. A metaphorical visual adventure of the emotions and workings of a girl’s mind is a neat premise, but is inherently flawed because once we see that the feelings and behaviors of the girl (who we’re supposed to sympathize with and related to) are entirely controlled by the one-trait emotion characters, she feels less like a real person and more like a robot with severe schizophrenia.
I wasn’t expecting “Inside Out” to be great, but this is the most indifferent I’ve ever felt about a Pixar film. Even their weaker recent ones were reasonably entertaining. Here, I just didn’t care. I got some chuckles (4, I counted) and even liked the interactions between the girl and her parents, but otherwise, this was one of the most passive movie-watching experiences I’ve had in a long while. It’s well-made, pretty, and not offensively bad, but this feels less like a family movie that Pixar would normally make and more like something geared specifically towards kids, best exemplified by a comic-relief imaginary friend character who is annoying (and marketable) enough to give the snowman from “Frozen” a run for his money. I felt almost nothing watching “Inside Out”. For a movie about emotions, the thing I felt most while watching was boredom.
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57. Room – Some may be pissed about my decision to put “Room” so low on my list, so I’ll explain. I feel like the way to love “Room” as much as others do is to let yourself be consumed by the emotion in the story. Certainly, the story of a mother and child who escape their years-long captivity and try to readjust to the normal world is going to be an emotional one. The thing is, between the child’s narration, the narrow viewpoint, and the cloyingly sentimental piano music, it often felt like “Room” was trying to manipulate me, which led to me feeling annoyed rather than compelled. I also get that this isn’t a plot-heavy movie, but there are just long stretches in the film where characters do things, but nothing’s really happening, making the movie feel much longer than it actually is. The second half is particularly guilty of this, since most of the drama occurs on the mother’s side of the story, but since the movie is told from the perspective of the kid’s, we only see snippets of it, making me wish that the movie would focus more on her. Also, having William H. Macy in your film and including him in only like two scenes without even resolving/developing his character’s conflict is simply a damn shame. The strong acting from Brie Larson (and even newcomer Jacob Tremblay, giving a rare child performance that I don’t hate) carries it, but the movie as a whole left me underwhelmed, and as a follow up to the Tommy Wiseau classic “The Room”, I DID NAHT care for it all that much.
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56. The D Train – When I first heard of this movie, I thought it was going to be some dumb comedy about Jack Black starring as Jack Black playing Jack Black, like he usually does. However, “The D Train” is a surprisingly dark and daring character study that isn’t all that funny, but is rarely trying to be (although the biggest laugh I’ve had from a movie all year came from something that the wife of Black’s character asks him when he’s taking a shower). The plot revolves around a guy who was a loser in high school (and still is) who tries to save his school’s reunion by convincing the coolest guy in his grade to attend, believing it will bring in everyone else. Jack Black is very good, showing that under his well-known persona is a surprisingly nuanced character actor, and James Marsden is his typically great and extremely underrated self as the cool guy Black tries to recruit. Both men show how underappreciated they are as actors by keeping the movie engaging despite both of their characters being very unlikable.
What surprised me about this movie is the sheer nerve it displays. The movie seems almost too unassuming and insignificant until the plot takes a very surprising turn partway in. I won’t spoil it, but this is a genuinely ballsy move that the movie not only doesn’t play for cheap laughs, but actually sticks with, and it hangs uncomfortably over the rest of the movie like it does for its’ lead character. I don’t know who I’d recommend “The D Train” to (it’s not funny enough to be a straight comedy and it’s not quite dark enough to be considered a black comedy), but I nonetheless admire it for daring to go where it does, and for shocking me without feeling cheap.
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55. The Voices – This dark comedy/horror film about a nice upbeat guy who becomes severely delusional and starts conversing with his pets when he stops taking his court-mandated psychosis medication went really under the radar when it got a limited release early in 2015, and I can understand why. Movies like this are almost impossible to market. Imagine “American Psycho” minus the social satire, and with a protagonist that you’re meant to sympathize with rather than be completely revolted by.
Not that this is a bad movie. In fact, it’s so perversely fascinating that it almost works. The supporting cast does a solid job, particularly Anna Kendrick, but Ryan Reynolds gives arguably the best work of his career as the lead, making you feel for the problems that his character goes through, while being careful not to make him too sympathetic and relatable. He showcases a tremendous range in one role, making the most of his comedic talents as well as his dramatic chops, and he also does a good job as the voices for his pet cat and dog.
My main problem with this movie is how tonally jarring it is. The movie often turns from comedy to drama to horror on a dime, but the tones aren’t as well-mixed together as they are in other genre-bending works. I recognize that this is probably intentional, so as to get us into the mind of someone who can’t separate reality from fantasy, but to me it just felt unsatisfying and wildly inconsistent. Still, I would say that despite its problems, this movie is worth watching if you’re interested in the material, or if you want to see Ryan Reynolds do a wonderful song-and-dance routine.
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54. Man Up – I don’t normally watch romantic comedies. I checked this out only because it got decent reviews and it stars Simon Pegg and Lake Bell. As far as rom-coms go, it’s alright. Pegg and Bell are incredibly likable and charming and have good chemistry with each other, and the movie is at its best when it’s just them talking. Everything surrounding them is either typical rom-com stuff, or an incredibly creepy and out-of-place supporting performance by Rory Kinnear that drags down the whole movie several notches when he’s onscreen. The movie is still above-average as far as rom-coms go because Pegg and Bell are there to carry everything, even if the rest of the movie doesn’t match up to them. Yes, I somewhat enjoyed a modern romantic comedy. Now if you excuse me, I have go wash my fancy new vagina.
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53. 7 Days in Hell – HBO’s short TV film about a fictional tennis rivalry between two Wimbledon finalists (played by Andy Samberg and Kit Harington) plays out like a 40 minute long SNL sketch, and it’s about as hit or miss as that description implies. Having said that, when it does hit, it’s genuinely quite funny. I’m not really a fan of Andy Samberg’s brand of humor, but his manic energy helps keep things afloat and he does have some funny moments. Kit Harington and his character are surprisingly hilarious, as are a number of cameo roles with Michael Sheen shining as a perverted talk show host. Not a great mockumentary, and while it definitely could have been cut down to about 25 minutes (particularly getting rid of all the parts with Lena Dunham), and focused less on being needlessly raunchy, it was indubitably enjoyable for what it was.
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52. Buzzard – “Buzzard” is about a young guy named Marty, paranoid small-time con artist and world’s laziest rebel who, in fear of getting arrested for fraud, runs away from his Detroit apartment with nothing but a pocketful of bad checks, a mean temper, and a dangerously altered Nintendo Power Glove. If you walk away from this movie halfway-through feeling bored by the lack of plot or character development, I don’t blame you. However, after a certain point, I began to find the movie weirdly compelling. A lot of that is the performance of the lead actor, who makes you repulsed by his character but at the same time making him just relatable enough that his ordeals become engaging.
The filmmaking on display is both skillful (mining a good deal of suspense and discomfort from absolute stillness in a lot of cases) and original. It’s hard to classify this movie into a genre. It feels like an edgy paranoia-filled version of “Napoleon Dynamite”. I really don’t have much to say about “Buzzard” because it’s difficult for me to put into words the appeal of this film, and honestly, I understand if other people don’t like it. I, however, admire it in some weird way, and if you can stomach some of the movie’s most uncomfortable moments (one involving an extended take of the main character simply eating a plate of spaghetti) I’d say this is worth checking out.
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51. Spy – I’m not really a fan of Melissa McCarthy or her and director Paul Feig’s very broad and swear-y sense of humor. It’s not painful, but it just doesn’t make me laugh all that much. I chuckled every now and again, and while the movie is way too fucking long, it’s watchable enough. This movie has one true saving grace, however, and that is Jason Statham. Basically playing a parody of himself, his angry, oafish secret agent is absolutely hysterical, and the movie only truly comes to life when he’s on screen. When he left a scene, I audible groaned and patiently waited until he would reappear. The scene where he boasts about his skills and accomplishments to Melissa McCarthy in her hotel room is one of the funniest movie scenes I’ve seen in years, and he single-handedly saves “Spy” from the mediocrity it was doomed for.
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50. Everest – Whatever flaws “Everest” has as a movie, its’ technical aspects are not one of them. The movie, which is about a real-life expedition to the peak of Mt. Everest that ended in disaster, doesn’t have a single frame that feels inauthentic. The gorgeous visuals, amazing sound, and the fact that the movie was really filmed in mountainous conditions and the cast actually had to deal with extreme cold really make you feel like you’re up there with the climbers.
Structurally, the movie has its’ fair share of problems. It takes a while to get going initially, showing the background/preparation to the expedition and introducing you to the characters. It’s not bad, but could have been more interesting. The ascent to the top itself is the peak of the movie (ba-dum tish), showing how perilous and intense the climb is. Even the ensuing disaster bit is good, when a storm and exhaustion separate the climbing parties and the people stuck near the top struggle to stay alive. I like that this movie is less of a straight-up disaster movie and more of a survival drama, with a handful of people desperately trying to stay alive amidst dwindling oxygen and extreme cold while people in the Everest Base Camp try to rescue them. It’s suspenseful and pretty harrowing, but the climax lacks the urgency to hit you as well as it should.
The cast is both a blessing and a curse. Populating your movie with a lot of strong A-list actors certainly helps in making the audience care, but in the end, the lack of proper characterization and insufficient humor/warmth/personality in the writing means that you don’t connect with these people as much as you should. Since the script never really focuses on one character long enough to make them compelling, almost everyone feels underused. I like that the movie avoids the inspirational “rise above the struggle” clichĂ©s, but dramatically, the movie does fall a bit flat. Also, putting Jake Gyllenhaal (who gives the best performance) prominently on your poster and only giving him 10-15 minutes of screentime should be considered robbery.
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49. Dope – If the second half of “Dope” was as fun, energetic, and engaging as the first, this movie would be considerably higher on this list. I won’t give away any plot spoilers, but halfway through it basically changes from a hood-themed, comic chase-thriller centering on a backpack full of drugs, to a slow coming-of-age comedy-drama about life as a teen in the ghettos of L.A.
It’s still decent in the 2nd half, but it’s very disappointing because of the initial promise. It felt like “Dope” wasn’t sure what kind of movie it wanted to be, so it just became two separate films. The performances by the cast of young newcomers is very good, and the movie is remarkably well-made and good-looking considering that it only had a six-figure budget. The film is pretty well-written, and it has a pleasantly original and lighthearted (for the most part) take on the subject matter. However, despite everything “Dope” has going for it, the jarring shift in direction the movie takes halfway through unfortunately diminishes its strength for me, and while it’s still pretty good, it’s certainly not
dope.
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48. Big Game – The concept of President Samuel L. Jackson teaming up with a Finnish boy against the terrorists who shot down Air Force One in Finland is certainly a giddy one. Despite (or maybe because of) it, the movie works a lot more as a boy’s adventure movie than a straight-up action film. The movie possesses a certain innocence and charm to it. Sure, it’s ridiculous, but never does it pretend to be anything but, and it’s somewhat refreshing to see a movie that abandons all pretense of realism. The movie is held aloft by the strong cast (Jackson is his usual great self, and even the kid is pretty good despite looking pretty ayy lmao), the skillful filmmaking, some surprisingly good CGI, and its sheer enthusiasm. Other than a shitty ending and my personal wish that the movie went further with the action and absurdism, “Big Game” is a fun way to spend a lazy Sunday afternoon.
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47. No Escape – I only watched this movie because the trailer that showed Owen Wilson throwing a little girl off a rooftop made me laugh so hard that I bruised a rib. Unfortunately, the movie is not nearly as funny as I thought (aside from a few unintentionally hilarious slow-motions shots). What makes up for it is that “No Escape” is a surprisingly effective thriller. It’s the story of a recently-moved white American family that get caught up in a violent coup in an unnamed Southeast Asian country. The narrow viewpoint of the terrified outsiders has led to some reviewers calling this movie racist (personally I don’t see it), but it’s this viewpoint that makes the movie work so well. There’s enough buildup and good acting on display that you care for the characters and feel the tension and intensity as they try to escape the city, despite their lack of character development. “No Escape” may be a pure B-movie, and even a bit exploitative at times, but thanks to the deft filmmaking and a game cast (particularly Pierce Brosnan), “No Escape” turns out to be a solid action-thriller.
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46. Run All Night – Go watch the trailer for this movie. Go on, I’ll wait




done? Alright, now you know exactly whether or not this movie is for you. It’s a “Liam Neeson is a badass who kills people” movie. If you like this sort of thing (and how can you not?), “Run All Night” is competently made, well-acted (particularly by Neeson and Ed Harris), it’s got a decent story, and it’s solid good fun to watch. It’s predictable, of course, but it’s never dull, and if you’re buying what Liam Neeson and whoever-the-hell-directed-this are selling, they don’t short-change you.
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45. Tomorrowland – Prior to release, this movie was one of my most anticipated of 2015, and for good reason. Brad Bird, George Clooney, and Hugh Laurie teaming up to make a sci-fi adventure that not only has a unique premise, but also seeks to get away from the gritty cynicism that characterizes many modern blockbusters? “Sign me right the hell up!” thought I, naïvely.  Upon seeing this movie for myself and watching the end credits roll, I realized why “Tomorrowland” ended up a critical and financial disappointment, and it’s due to one reason: Damon Lindelof. You can feel his grubby, plot-hole riddled fingers all over the story and writing. So much of the film is buildup, which is fine, because it’s essentially a puzzle that invites us to solve it. But when we arrive at the conclusion, the movie completely falls apart, with one of the most nonsensical, confusing, and unsatisfying third acts in recent memory, with some truly terrible conflict resolution as it relates to the main villain and the underlying themes of everything that preceded it.
It’s such a shame, because just about everything surrounding the actual story is so goddamn good. The cast is wonderful, with Clooney being his predictably great self and Britt Robertson terrific as the main character Casey, who is also in my mind the best female role model for young audiences in any movie I’ve ever seen. Hugh Laurie, however wasted, is good in the few scenes he’s in. Brad Bird’s direction is fast-paced, exciting, and visually brilliant (particularly an exhilarating 5-minute long take where the main character first visits the titular Tomorrowland). The soundtrack is great, the tone is refreshingly optimistic, the character work is quite well-realized, and even the message of the movie is inspiring (if a bit heavy-handed).
“Tomorrowland” has heart, brains, originality, visuals and excitement to spare (and I really hope that Disney wasn’t dissuaded by the box office receipts and makes more movies like this), but again we must come back to Damon Lindelof, whose over-expository, underwhelming writing is the metaphorical shot of Bailey’s that taints everything else in the mix. The guy has some good ideas, but that’s all he should be; an idea man, because he does not know how to tell a story and he should not be allowed within 100 miles of a typewriter (or whatever people use to write scripts these days). A big theme in “Tomorrowland” is the power of positivity. Well, I’m positive that Damon Lindelof is a fucking hack.
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44. Black Mass – “Black Mass” is this year’s “Dallas Buyers Club”; a completely average and unremarkable movie that is rescued by two strong leading performances. Much has been said of Johnny Depp as Whitey Bulger, and he doesn’t disappoint. Despite some distractingly obvious makeup, his performance drives the movie, and it is very creepy, compelling, and thankfully restrained (going into the movie I expected him to be cartoonishly evil, snarling at people while flossing babies out of his teeth or something like that). Joel Edgerton is also very good as Bulger’s FBI buddy who gets in too deep with the mob. His role isn’t as showy as Depp’s, but he nonetheless draws you into his character, no matter how unlikable he gets. As for the movie itself, there’s not much to say about it. It’s a typical mob movie. It’s like “Goodfellas” minus the fun, energy, and style. It’s still solid, thanks to the cast and the compelling true-crime story, but unless you’re from Bahston, “Black Mass” isn’t as wicked pissa as you’d expect.
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43. Legend – I’m putting “Legend” right next to “Black Mass” on the list because my feelings towards it are similar. It’s entertaining and a decent effort from someone trying to imitate Scorsese, but has too many flaws to be in Scorsese’s league. It has the period details, the long-takes, and the colorful gangster shit-talking, but the story (in the way it’s presented) isn’t anything special. Maybe it’s the lack of context behind the Kray twins’ choice to be criminals, or even how they became legends (as the title implies) or maybe it’s the strangely romanticized way the movie views them, but it simultaneously feels like a conventional gangster flick and an incomplete portrait of the notorious brothers. What elevates “Legend” is Tom Hardy’s outstanding and incredibly versatile dual performance as Ronnie and Reggie Kray, highlighting each brother’s different personalities and quirks, making them both entertaining and compelling while never getting too close to making them sympathetic. His Ronnie (a proud, gay, mentally unhinged loose-cannon) is particularly a hoot to watch. Hardy easily carries the entire movie, and if the rest of it was as good as he is, it would live up to its title.
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42. Straight Outta Compton – The script to this movie felt like someone took every musical biopic and hood movie ever made, threw them in a blender, then watered that mix down enough so that it wouldn’t leave a bad taste in the mouth of any NWA fans (especially not producers Ice Cube and Dr. Dre). ClichĂ©s and that dumb metaphor aside, “Straight Outta Compton” is a pretty good movie. It’s confidently and stylishly directed, the cast is great (especially the guys playing Cube, Dre, and Eazy-E), and the movie does a good job telling the story of the rise, breakup, and post-breakup of NWA , even if the “rise” part was infinitely more compelling than the rest of it (has there ever been a rise-and-fall movie where the second half is as good as the first?) It also does a solid job of covering the massive cultural and social influence NWA had back then, even if it feels like the story skips over some important real-life events, and MC Ren and DJ Yella are sadly reduced to just being there. I also think it’s funny that they cast the most racist-looking middle-aged white guys imaginable to play the cops in this movie.
Still, “Straight Outta Compton” is accessible, compelling and a good enough movie that I can recommend it to just about anyone, even if it feels a bit too long. Apparently, this movie and the classic hood comedy “Friday” starring Ice-Cube are both directed by F. Gary Gray, and there’s a wonderful pair of references to it in SOC. That doesn’t have anything to do with the quality of the movie; I just love “Friday” and I just appreciate the connections.
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41. In the Heart of the Sea – Ron Howard’s previous film “Rush” was my favorite film of 2013, and like “Frost/Nixon” and “Apollo 13” before it, showed how awesome and underappreciated a filmmaker he can be when he’s firing on all cylinders. “In the Heart of the Sea”, based on the real-life sinking of the whaleship Essex that inspired “Moby Dick”, was naturally one of my most anticipated movies of the year. That the movie is merely pretty good was quite a disappointment to me, but I’ll try to judge it on its own merits. The cast is solid, the story itself is compelling and even pretty harrowing in the second half, and the movie looks absolutely fantastic. A+ for Howard and his crew as far as the craftsmanship on display here (much of it was filmed on a full-scale replica of the Essex). Any movie that can convincingly make Chris Hemsworth look like shit is to be admired.
The main problem is with the actual storytelling. The movie feels like it’s trying to be too many things at the same time. It’s trying to be a high-seas adventure, a brutal survival tale, a rumination on the whaling industry and corporate greed, and a story of how Herman Melville came to write “Moby Dick”. Speaking of which, the Melville part of the story (in which he interviews an aged survivor from the wreck) is used as a framing device for the main plot, and is not only entirely unnecessary, but actually detracts from the film, often interrupting the plot and even action scenes for no good reason. The movie is also weirdly anachronistic (would whalers in the 1820’s really question if they’re right to be killing whales?) and even cheesy at times, such as the scene where Chris Hemsworth is about to spear the whale that destroyed his ship, killed much of the crew and looks like it’s about to kill him, but stops after soulfully looking into its eyes.
Much of this is the fault of the script, which is too unfocused and tries too hard to be meaningful. A tighter, grittier story, told without the framing device and various modern-day allusions, and focused more on character development, could have made for a great film. Instead what we get is merely good, thanks to the strengths of the cast and crew, but for a film about whaling, it could have had a lot less blubber.
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40. Bone Tomahawk – A cross between a Cowboys-and-Indians tale and a horror movie, “Bone Tomahawk” is the story of Kurt Russell, Kurt Russell’s facial hair, and a few other men going on a mission in the late 19th century Wild West to save a group of townfolk that have been kidnapped by monstrous, cave-dwelling cannibals. The movie is appropriately and uncompromisingly bloody and brutal in its depiction of frontier violence, and contains a kill later in the movie to satisfy even the most demanding of gore hounds. What surprised me is how well-written and acted the movie is. Much of “Bone Tomahawk” is a sort of road movie, as the main characters travel a long-distance to reach the hostages, and this gives the four leads plenty of room to breathe and flesh out their characters. As unique a mashup as “Bone Tomahawk” is, it’s still ultimately a genre flick, but thanks to its great cast, solid writing, and impressive direction, its slow-burn approach to horror is more satisfying and effective than you’d expect.
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39. Jurassic World – As someone who liked the Jurassic Park movies but isn’t a huge fan, my expectations for Jurassic World was that it’d be a fun action movie with some lame writing. It was sort of gratifying to see my expectations met perfectly. The first 30 minutes or so are pretty bad, with the movie doing a half-assed attempt at introducing/developing characters who are uninteresting at best, and mind-numbingly stupid at worst (the only exception dies shortly after the inevitable dino breakout). It was like taking the characters from a slasher flick and dropping them in the middle of a dinosaur movie.
However, once the main dinosaur breaks out, the movie actually becomes pretty fun, as the people on the island scramble to try and survive and contain the situation and get eaten for their troubles. Colin Trevorrow does a good job building tension and creating fun action scenes, even if he is a bit too eager at ripping off Spielberg in terms of style. The script is quite lazy and is happy being clichĂ©d, but the Jurassic Park films were never about the writing quality so I won’t complain too much about it. As I said, the movie is quite fun as long as you know what to expect, and as far as Mercedes-Benz commercials go, this is easily the best one I’ve seen.
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38. It Follows – The first half of “It Follows” is genuinely the scariest shit I’ve ever seen in a movie. The second half is pretty much an R-rated Scooby-Doo movie, with a group of teenagers (minus a talking dog) trying to figure out how to stop an evil, unstoppable entity that kills people for having sex, and where the horror movie rules established in the 1st half get pretty frequently and annoyingly contradicted. A beautifully filmed movie, and a well-made and subtle metaphor for AIDS and the loss of innocence, “It Follows” is much smarter and scarier than what normally passes for horror these days, and personally I really enjoyed the music and style which are very reminiscent of John Carpenter’s works. Even if the 2nd half is disappointing, I’d still recommend this movie for people who enjoy having anxiety attacks and dislike wearing clean underwear.
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37. Kingsman: The Secret Service – I’m not a prude, but there comes a time when overly-bloody violence and a general desire to be “edgy” actively detract from the quality of a movie. Such is the case in “Kingsman”, Matthew Vaughn’s loose adaptation of a Mark Millar comic. This isn’t to say that I didn’t like the movie, because I did. Even if the “training young recruits to become members of a spy agency” aspect of the plot feels a bit Young Adult novel-y, I didn’t mind it much. The cast is great, with newcomer Taron Egerton doing a good job walking the line between cocky chav and charming rogue, Samuel L. Jackson hilariously hamming it up as the cartoonish Bond villain, and Colin Firth completely stealing the show as the veteran superspy (I never knew how much I wanted Firth as an action hero until I saw it here). The action scenes are exciting, creative, and very stylish, with the famous mid-movie church brawl being a setpiece for the ages, and the third act is great fun.
All the elements for a great movie are in place, but sadly the movie gets knocked down to merely “good” due to its frequent overkill being a distracting presence. The generally good-natured action-comedy and the sadistic levels of blood and brutality don’t really mix together here, creating a weird and conflicting tone for the movie. Put it this way; Vaughn is no Tarantino when it comes to mixing violence and comedy. Also, while Vaughn knows how to pull off a damn good action scene, there’s strangely a lot of dull downtime in between those scenes and the main plot beats. Plus, the movie’s meta self-awareness got grating after a while and made the whole thing seem like an insincere joke.
I realize that most of these problems come down to my personal preference, and as I said before, I liked “Kingsman”. I think it’s a good movie, its positives outweigh the negatives, and I would readily recommend it to most people I know. But it’s hard not to think that with a shorter and tighter plot, less unnecessary gore, and less dad-hating, Linkin Park-listening, black nailpolish-wearing, fedora-tipping edginess, this movie could have been great.
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36. We Are Still Here – “We Are Still Here” is about a middle-aged couple who are coping with the recent loss of their son while they move to a new home that’s possibly haunted. Similarly to “It Follows”, this under-the-radar horror film has a very scary first half, but kind of devolves into something else. The reason this is higher on my list is that “We Are Still Here” actually remains quite entertaining after the half-way point instead of getting more and more disappointing. While the transition from a spooky, atmospheric ghost story into a conspiracy-filled gore-fest is a bit strange, the climax is so raucously bloody and over-the-top that it’s genuinely hard not to be amazed by it. “We Are Still Here” is nicely atmospheric, is well-acted, has a lot of love for the old Italian gore flicks that it pays homage to, and is even pretty funny at times. While I would have liked to have seen more character development and a more satisfying conclusion to the story, I was pleasantly surprised enough by this film that I would encourage people with strong stomachs to seek it out.
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35. San Andreas – The 2015 movie I most regret not seeing in theaters, “San Andreas” is a disaster movie starring The Rock and some great CGI. Those are all the selling-points this movie has, and all it really needs. If you love disaster movies like me, then this is right up your alley. The Rock plays a rescue helicopter pilot who must rescue his daughter and ex-wife when the San Andreas Fault ruptures. Paul Giamatti plays Smart Earthquake Guy (a bold role Giamatti certainly did not just take for an easy paycheck), who is there to explain to the audience what is about to happen in the movie. Also in the movie is Ioan Gruffudd as the douchebag step-dad character. He starts out normal but gradually evolves to a cowardly asshole who abandons and sacrifices people to save himself. I was really hoping that he would evolve to full-on psychopathic antagonist with an insatiable bloodlust along the lines of Kiefer Sutherland’s character in last year’s “Pompeii”, but in what I see as the biggest flaw in the movie, [SPOILER] he gets really unceremoniously and anticlimactically killed off late in the 2nd act [END SPOILER]. 
Despite that, the disaster scenes are good fun, and The Rock is so insanely charismatic that he easily carries the entire movie on his mountainous shoulders. When you’re caught between The Rock and a hard place, always bet on Dwayne Johnson.
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34. What We Do in the Shadows – The vampire and mockumentary genres have both been done to death in the past decade, and their respective corpses have been vigorously beaten since. So it’s nothing short of miraculous that the New Zealand-produced “What We Do in the Shadows”, a mockumentary about vampires sharing a flat in Wellington, is as funny and clever and fresh as it is. The cast, including Jermaine Clement (who also co-wrote and co-directed the movie), is great, with the guy playing the silent Count Orlok-esque Petyr stealing every scene he’s in. The characters are well-written and the story cleverly skewers plenty of vampire tropes. While the first half is considerably funnier than the second (a common problem for comedy movies), I would still recommend this for anyone looking for a good horror comedy or something involving vampires that doesn’t suck (har-har).
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33. Dude Bro Party Massacre 3 – For years, YouTube comedy channel 5secondfilms have been promising a ridiculously balls-out and faithful feature-length homage to shitty ‘80s slasher flicks, and holy hell they delivered. Everything about DBPM3, from the gory deaths, to the gratuitous (male) nudity, to the crappy VHS visual style, to the use of every clichĂ© imaginable, all sell the movie as being an authentic and loving genre spoof. Even the framing device (this movie was “banned” in the 80’s and is only available because some teenager in Minnesota taped a showing on a local public access channel) helps convince you that 5SF, unlike the makers of “Kung Fury”, really knew what they were doing and were very familiar with the kind of movie they’re making fun of. It comes with the territory that the jokes are pretty hit-or-miss. However, 5SFs bizarre sense of humor works well with the material, and a lot of the jokes do hit, and when they do, they’re pretty hysterical. While not quite on the same level as “Black Dynamite”, 5secondfilms definitely delivered the goods. Don’t let a bro see it alone.
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32. Beasts of No Nation – Writer/director/cinematographer Cary Fukunaga was the guy who directed the first season of “True Detective” and after seeing his “Beasts of No Nation”, it’s pretty obvious where most of the success of that season came from. This is a very impressively directed and shot film (his trademark extended one-shots make a comeback). The cast is also terrific, led by a commanding (pun intended) performance by Idris Elba as a mercenary leader and newcomer Abraham Attah as the main character, a young boy who gets caught up in a civil war in an unnamed African country. The story is good, thankfully taking a grey, unbiased approach to the conflict and avoiding preachiness and sentimentality. My main problem is that with the movie being entirely from the point of view from the young boy, the plot somewhat lacks focus, and the film feels pretty repetitive by the time it gets to the anticlimactic third act. A good movie overall, but probably not the best choice for Netflix-and-chill (trust me).
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31. Star Wars: The Force Awakens – I’m not a Star Wars fan, and genuinely don’t have much to say about “The Force Awakens”. The movie was solidly fun, had pretty visuals, a lovely John Williams soundtrack, and a good cast, highlighted by a returning Harrison Ford and the new lead villain played by Adam Driver. There are some scenes I really liked, like the one that everyone on the internet is either spoiling or is avoiding because of the spoilers, and even Domnhall Gleeson’s hilariously unsubtle Nazi speech. On the other hand, the plot is almost a beat-for-beat copy of “A New Hope”, most of the new characters are inconsistent and uninteresting, the middle act was boring, and the humor/tone felt like cynical nostalgia-baiting. I actually respect George Lucas more after seeing this movie, because as awful as the prequels were, at least they were ambitious and he was trying to do something different, instead of the disappointingly safe and committee-designed movie we have here. Ultimately, Star Wars fans will get what they want, but after so many disappointments and so many years of waiting, is it really what they deserve?
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30. 99 Homes – Michael Shannon is one of the few actors I actively go out of my way to see, and if you see “99 Homes”, you’ll understand why. In an absolutely awesome performance as a ruthless home realtor during the aftermath of the recession a few years ago, he dominates every second that he’s on screen. Andrew Garfield is good as his reluctant protĂ©gĂ©, but it’s hard to shine when you’ve got a supernova like Shannon in the scene with you. The movie itself is pretty good. It’s well-written, giving Garfield’s character a good arc, as well as providing Shannon with a fantastic monologue where he explains what made him become the asshole he is. Despite some contrivances in the story and the movie having its fair share of melodrama, “99 Homes” is still a compellingly tense and hard-hitting drama about the instability of the housing market, and further establishes Michael Shannon as one of the best actors working today.
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29. Turbo Kid – Imagine if young Peter Jackson made a Mad Max movie with BMX bikes instead of cars and with a total budget of about $20, and you’ll get a solid grasp of what this movie is like. “Turbo Kid” is an affectionate, nostalgic throwback to 80’s sci-fi movies. Set in the apocalyptic future of 1997, the movie takes place in a Fallout-like wasteland following a war between humans and robots and follows the nameless Kid, an orphan that tries to rescue his new girlfriend Apple from the evil local warlord (played with just the right balance of hamminess and menace by Michael Ironside).
In terms of tone, style, and writing, it wonderfully captures the spirit of what it was like growing up watching these kinds of movies. The costume and sets are nicely detailed and have a charming, thrown-together feel. The violence is gleefully over-the-top and gory, but in a way meant to entertain rather than shock. The characters are simple, but well-defined and engaging, and I really liked the sweet relationship between the Kid and Apple. The budget for this movie was probably tiny (it looks like it was all shot in the same quarry), but “Turbo Kid” more than makes up for it in enthusiasm, heart, and understanding of its audience. Unlike “Kung Fury”, “Turbo Kid” gets it.
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28. Mistress America – Did you like “Frances Ha”? If so, you’ll like “Mistress America”, because it’s pretty much the same movie. Noah Baumbach’s quirky indie humor is certainly an acquired taste, but it can be witty and pretty hilarious at times. The movie is fun for the most part, even if the extended part in the mansion goes on too long and is too jokey and quirky for my taste. The writing is a bit bizarre, with characters often spouting inspirational and revealing lines with little set-up and further elaboration, and these supposedly dramatic lines are delivered like one-liners. It’s not bad, it’s just weird. These characters feel more like parodies of people than actual people. What keeps the movie together is Greta Gerwig, as likable and hilarious here as she was in “Frances Ha”, and even if you’re not a Baumbach fan, Gerwig easily makes this hipster-bait worth watching.
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27. Black Sea – I love submarine movies. Even though a lot of them go through a lot of familiar beats (water pressure, hostile ships, phallic symbolism, etc.), the vast majority of them are gripping, extremely well-crafted thrillers, and Black Sea continues this trend. Jude Law (sporting a lovely Scottish accent) stars as a veteran captain of undersea salvage operations who gets canned from his job, and subsequently takes on an illegal mission along with a shady crew of Russians and Englishmen to salvage a long-sunken German U-Boat rumored to be filled with Nazi Gold (one of my favorite plot devices).
The aforementioned plot beats are pretty familiar, and a lot of the drama is a bit contrived and caused by characters making horror movie-like levels of stupid decisions (“I don’t like the way you’re yelling at me, Mr. Vital Crew Member. I think I’m going to stab you in the chest”). Despite that, the strong cast, Kevin MacDonald’s direction, the production values, and the claustrophobic tension typically found in submarine movies all work well together to make a very satisfying movie from my favorite subgenre (pun intended).
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26. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. – Guy Ritchie is a director often said to favor style over substance. As a fan of his movies, I think a better way to phrase this is that what his movies lack in substance, they make up for in style. This is certainly the case in “The Man from UNCLE”, a spy action-comedy based on a 60’s TV series. Let me say that this is easily one of the best-looking movies of the year. The sets, the cars, the gadgets, the period detail, the cast, the hair and makeup, the costumes (things I don’t normally pay attention to) are all wonderful, and coupled with great lighting, camerawork, Daniel Pemberton’s kick-ass soundtrack and Ritchie’s aforementioned sense of style, it all leads to a fantastic look and feel for the movie. The action scenes do a good job of balancing excitement and humor (a rarity for action-comedies). The main trio of actors is great. Henry Cavill, Armie Hammer, and Alicia Vikander are all charming, sexy, and very funny. They all have terrific chemistry with each other, and they prove here that they should all be huge stars. Their character dynamics and banter alone keep the entire 2nd act compelling.
However, while the middle of the movie is very good and the opening scene is one of the best of the year, the 3rd act is quite a mess, in terms of storytelling. It’s like Ritchie suddenly remembered that his movie actually needed stakes and some drama, and despite a pretty cool climactic car chase and a solid ending scene, it just felt undercooked. The plot itself is nothing special or all that compelling (something about former Nazis who made their own nuclear bomb). Also, while Elizabeth Debicki isn’t bad as the glamorous lead villain, her character itself wasn’t very intimidating or particularly memorable outside of her look. Her character felt like if Blofeld’s cat was turned into a human. Style over substance, I guess.
However, don’t let these complaints dissuade you from seeing what is otherwise a highly enjoyable movie, one that I would love to see get a sequel with the three leads and Ritchie at the helm. With a tighter script and more well-established dramatic stakes, this could end up being a great spy franchise, and this first entry is a great antidote to the mirthless shitpile that is “Spectre”.
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25. Furious 7 – It’s pretty rare that a movie franchise actually makes it to seven films, let alone remains good by that point. The “Fast and the Furious” series is the Hollywood oddity that has not only made it this far and remains fresh, it actually seems to be stronger than ever. Continuing to (for the most part) ditch the street-racing theme and instead focus on heists and spectacle-themed action, “Furious 7” has all the ridiculous car-stunts, fistfights, shootouts, one-liners, and absurd manliness you’d expect. The cast is mostly great, with Tyrese Gibson being the highlight as the loudmouthed comic relief. The addition of Kurt Russell is wonderful, and he’s clearly having a great time playing a government spook that works with the main crew. All of this is very entertaining, making for a highly satisfying action movie.
However, “Furious 7” is not without its detractions. While the story gives it a reasonable excuse, The Rock (who I credit for reviving the franchise since the 5th film) is unfortunately sidelined for much of the movie, showing up in the opening half-hour and then only reappears in the final action set-piece. The script (save for a few good one-liners) is fairly pedestrian, with the usual corny monologues about family that Vin Diesel sleepily growls. I know that Vin loves this franchise and is very enthusiastic about it in real life, so it’s a shame that onscreen, he chooses boring stoicism over the liveliness and charisma he showed earlier in his career. Also, while I give director James Wan a ton of credit for making the jump from low-budget horror movies to huge-budget action as well as he has, his action scenes do suffer a bit from too much shaky-cam and over-editing. Also, his fight scenes have some unnecessary gimmicky shots that take away some of the impact of the moves. While promising, his action chops still have some ways to go before they reach Justin Lin’s levels of smoothness.
None of that is a deal-breaker, and as I said, it’s still a very satisfying action movie. Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the effect of Paul Walker’s tragic death on this movie. While it’s a bit eerie to think about while you’re watching it, the re-writing and use of CGI and body-doubles were done very well and make his presence feel natural in the movie, to the point where I often couldn’t tell the difference between him and not-him. While I hesitate to use this word to describe anything, the final scene that serves as a tribute and a farewell to Walker and his character is pretty much perfect in what it sets out to do, sending him off in a fitting and very moving way, making “Furious 7” the year’s most unexpectedly tear-inducing movie. If you grew up with this franchise the way I did, there’s a good chance you will cry. I did. Just a bit. Manly tears.
All in all, it’s appropriate that this is the 7th entry in the franchise, because I give it 7 ice-cold Coronasℱ out of 10.
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24. The Lobster – Conceptually, “The Lobster” is terrific. It’s set in a vaguely dystopic future when being single is outlawed, and single people are sent to a hotel retreat to find a mate, and if they fail to do so within 45 days, they get turned into an animal of their choice and set loose. This premise leads to a good number of laughs (a shot of people talking while an exotic animal walks around in the background is never not funny). The first half or so in the hotel is great. The second half is still good, but a bit disappointing considering that it kind of forgets the people-turned-into-animals idea in favor of a love story. The movie also offers some funny and poignant insights into relationships and how society revolves around them. The cast, led by a perfectly cast Colin Farrell, is flawless, and the movie is wonderfully shot and refreshingly original. Recommended if you’re looking for an offbeat black comedy-drama, even if the latter half of the film can’t match the first for sheer creativeness and sharp satire.
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23. Anomalisa – You can always count on Charlie Kaufman to deliver something you’ve never seen before. All of his movies, including “Anomalisa” are just brimming with originality and inventiveness. How much you like his movies will usually depend on whether you can handle his idiosyncrasies and whether the story personally speaks to you on a thematic level. While I admired the hell out of “Anomalisa”, and even enjoyed much of it, it didn’t affect me all that much. The voice-acting is terrific, the writing is smart (and even pretty funny), and the movie looks absolutely gorgeous. Major props for whoever had to animate this. Considering how intricate and detailed each movement and expression is, having to do all of this in stop-motion must have been goddamn excruciating, and I appreciate whoever had to do it. While I’m not crazy about “Anomalisa”, I would recommend it to just about anybody just to see how they feel about it.
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22. The Revenant – On a technical level, Alejandro G. Iñårritu’s “The Revenant” is one of the best movies of the year. Much has been made about the long-takes, the vast scale, the all-natural lighting, etc. and all of it is a sight to behold on a big screen. The cast is mostly great, in particularly Tom Hardy, who is an absolute beast here and the best villain of 2015, and who is so convincing and interesting a character that I often wished the movie was about him instead. On a story level, it’s not so sound. There is just too much unnecessary bullshit in what should be a simple tale of survival and revenge. All the parts with the Indian chief looking for his daughter could have been cut, as well as the pointless dream sequences. There is a much better 2-hour-long movie somewhere in here. There are also pacing issues. The first two acts are very slow-paced. It’s not a huge problem here, but the last act feels a bit rushed as a result. As great a craftsman as Iñårritu is, his proclivity towards making “ART” hurts the film. Also, as pretty as the film is, it’s the kind of cinematography that constantly draws attention to itself (most annoyingly in a part where a character’s breath literally fogs up the camera lens). No real intimacy. Just epicness and the kind of smooth, pretty camerawork that feels at odds with the raw, gritty story, like those involved suddenly decided they wanted to make a Terrence Malick film.
There’s also not a lot of substance to the story. We feel the protagonist’s plight on a moment-to-moment level, but he’s not characterized enough that we really care about him as a person, so we don’t really have a solid core in the movie to cling to. While I admire the lengths Leonardo DiCaprio went to for this notoriously difficult production, he’s just not all that compelling in his role. I never see Hugh Glass, the character. I just always see DiCaprio, the actor (which is a frequent problem in his movies). He acts way too hard for a role that should have been more nuanced and restrained. See “The Revenant” for its breathtaking technical accomplishments (dodgy animal CGI aside), the brutal survival story, and for Tom Hardy’s performance. Just don’t expect “The Revenant” to haunt you the way it wants to. Oh, but 10/10 for the scene where he cauterizes his neck wounds with gunpowder. Never thought I’d see a “Rambo III” reference in this day and age.
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21. Brooklyn – Having never had much of a childhood (beyond watching lots of R-rated action movies), I’ve never been a big fan of coming-of-age films. However, I’ll be damned if “Brooklyn”, a tale of a young Irish immigrant played by Saoirse Ronan torn between her new home in 1950’s New York and her native Ireland, didn’t melt my heart just a bit. Part of that is Ronan’s fantastically restrained and mature performance that is quietly commanding in every scene. The story is affecting and even clever as it draws parallels between her experiences in the two countries. It’s well-written, and even surprisingly funny at times, in particular during the dinner scenes in the New York boarding house involving a hilarious Julie Walters. The story may feel a bit familiar at times (it’s like if Nicholas Sparks suddenly became a good writer) and I admit that historical, coming-of-age romantic dramas aren’t really my cup of tea, but the movie is smart, poignant, and pleasantly non-cynical enough that it’s easy to recommend to pretty much anyone that doesn’t hate accents or New Yorkers.
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20. Ant-Man – I think it’s safe to say that when original director Edgar Wright left this movie a few weeks prior to shooting (citing creative differences with Marvel), he took a lot of fans’ interest along with him. After Wright and Joe Cornish’s script was re-written, the unenviable job of making this movie was given to Peyton Reed, a director of a few unremarkable comedy movies. Combining all of this with a thoroughly dull and generic first trailer led to some pretty low expectations from me.
Having said all that, I would say “Ant-Man” is one of the biggest surprises of the year (funnily enough). I have no doubt that this is at least partially due to the studio still using much of the original script/story, but I give Peyton Reed a ton of credit for making this movie much better than it had any (W)right to be. He keeps the film lighthearted, breezy, unpretentious, and fast-paced. While there’s some familial and character drama in the movie, it’s often (thankfully) skimmed over and dealt with quickly so that the movie can get back to the comedy and the really nifty action sequences. Even the third-act finale battle is way more fun than most Marvel efforts thanks to the creative uses of size and scale.
After the wildly bloated and messy Avengers sequel, “Ant-Man” felt comparatively very refreshing. A lot of this is due to the movie being more of a heist-themed action comedy, rather than a typical superhero movie. The strong cast also helps. Michael Douglas fits in perfectly as the cynical and bitter scientist who invented the Ant-Man suit, and Paul Rudd is both charming and laughably unheroic as the main hero (it was wise to let Paul Rudd basically play himself, similarly to Robert Downey Jr. in the Iron Man movies). Michael Peña is hilarious and steals every scene he’s in as Rudd’s motormouthed, happy-go-lucky sidekick.
I wouldn’t call this a great movie. It’s still an origin story and still hits a number of the checkmarks associated with it. The bad guy might as well be named Evil McGeneric, and he’s played by that guy from “House of Cards” who looks like a shaved testicle, who doesn’t do much to make him interesting or even intimidating. Also, I have one major problem with the science behind the shrinking suit; I can accept that the suit pushes molecules closer together to make someone smaller and keep their same strength/mass, but the movie keeps making it seem that, while shrunk, whoever is wearing the suit weighs as much as an ant, while retaining their normal-sized strength. Shouldn’t they still weigh as much as a normal-sized person if they keep their strength? Shouldn’t Paul Rudd crush his ant when he rides it? Whatever, I’m willing to suspend disbelief. I just thought it was worth mentioning.
Despite that, this is a surprisingly enter-tayne-ing and funny movie, and in an otherwise poor year for superhero films, the fun-sized “Ant-Man” towers above all the others. Computer, load up more Ant-Man, please.
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19. Queen of Earth – “Queen of Earth” is probably the most unnerving movie I’ve seen in all of 2015, and it’s not even a horror film. It’s about a young woman (played by Elisabeth Moss) who suffers a nervous breakdown after her father commits suicide and her boyfriend dumps her, and spends a week with her friend at a lake house to recuperate. Moss gives an absolutely amazing performance as a woman who is hanging on by a thread that is slowly unraveling. This is one of the best portraits of losing one’s shit that I’ve ever seen. Katherine Waterston is also good as her increasingly distant friend, and the two have a great passive-aggressive chemistry with each other. While not having any actual monsters/ghosts, this psychological drama is filmed and scored in such a way that it feels as creepy, tense and uncomfortable as any horror movie (the title cards for the days of the week evoking Kubrick’s “The Shining”). But the reason to see this is Moss, who gives a ticking-time bomb performance that (had this movie gotten more exposure) would have easily gotten her an Oscar nomination.
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18. The Gift – I am going to describe this movie as little as possible because you should go into it blind and without any expectations. I’ll just say that the plot involves a newly-married couple (Jason Bateman and Rebecca Hall) who move to a new city and run into the husband’s old high-school acquaintance (played by Joel Edgerton, who also wrote the screenplay and makes his directorial debut here). “The Gift” is a tense, uncomfortable, and very compelling drama/thriller. Edgerton’s script is terrific, constantly toying with audience expectations and sympathies, and gains bonus points for being thoroughly unpredictable. His direction is also impressive in a non-flashy way, where he lets the actors breathe and lets the tension build up naturally rather than use gimmicky shots and camera movements. The main trio of actors is great, with career highlight performances from Edgerton and Bateman, who finally picks a good movie that actually makes the most out of his surprising dramatic chops. While the final act becomes a bit movie-y and over-the-top, as opposed to how natural the rest of the movie felt (it’ll make sense when you see it), this is still an effective and fascinating thriller that marks Edgerton as a very promising filmmaker.
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17. Phoenix – Set in the aftermath of WWII in Berlin, “Phoenix” follows a concentration camp survivor who gets facial reconstruction surgery, and sets to track down her former lover and find out if he betrayed her to the Nazis or not. Nina Hoss gives a terrific and subtle leading performance as a woman who may as well be a ghost, unable to have her former life due to everyone she knows thinking she died. The movie is tense, atmospheric, and gripping in a way that would make Hitchcock proud. The deliberate pacing, heavy subject matter, and sometimes frustrating character development means that this movie isn’t for everybody, but it’s all used very well as buildup to the climax. “Phoenix” has the single best ending of any movie I’ve seen in 2015. Without spoiling anything, it perfectly brings together the story, the main character arc, the themes, and even the freaking title into a quietly powerful but still incredibly satisfying way that honestly made my jaw drop at how good it was. I definitely did Nazi that coming.
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16. Creed – “Creed” is a brilliant idea of how to reboot a franchise while still honoring the series’ history. The story focuses on Adonis, the hitherto unknown illegitimate son of Apollo Creed, who wants to take up boxing in order to
I’m not sure. His motivation flips back and forth between wanting to escape his father’s shadow and following in his father’s footsteps. Luckily, the core of the movie is his relationship with Rocky Balboa, his father’s friend and rival, whom he convinces to train him. Still played by Sylvester Stallone, Rocky is the heart and soul of this movie. This is arguably a career-best performance from Stallone, who while having a lot of ups and downs in his career, understands what makes Rocky such a compelling character and absolutely steals the show.
“Fruitvale Station” writer/director Ryan Coogler does a great job as well. His fight scenes are outstanding (particularly a mid-movie fight scene that looks like it was done entirely in one take), but he also understands that the Rocky movies aren’t about the boxing; they’re about making you care for the characters. While the movie does feel a bit too long, he gives the actors plenty of breathing room to flesh out their characters and the movie itself, leading to the story becoming very compelling. Once the famous “Rocky” theme hits during the climactic fight scene, it’s an incredible moment where you are fully on board and at the edge of your seat.
Weaknesses include the aforementioned muddled motivations for Adonis, and the length (although that’s not a major problem). Also, Adonis isn’t a terribly interesting character. Michael B. Jordan is a fine actor and does a solid job here, but he lacks the charisma to carry a franchise on his own, if they decide to make a sequel. Plus, the love interest feels unnecessary. The corniness and sentimentality you’d expect from a Rocky movie is here, but it works because it’s part of the series’ charm, if you don’t mind it.
I liked “Creed” a lot, both as a boxing movie and as an addition to the Rocky franchise. The movie is very well-made, but the reason to see it is Sylvester Stallone, who infuses the movie with so much heart that it will win over even the most hardened cynic. This feels like a performance that his entire career has been building towards. Here you can see the sensitive, soulful character actor Stallone was prior to his action-movie mega-stardom, which begs the question; where has this fine actor been all these years?
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15. Ex Machina – Alex Garland was the guy who wrote and produced 2012’s “Dredd”, and for that, he earns a free pass for life from me. It was his name alone that made me want to watch his directorial debut “Ex Machina”, a near-future sci-fi movie about artificial intelligence. The plot concerns an employee (Domnhall Gleeson) for a major search-engine company who wins a lottery to go to his CEO’s secluded home for a week, where the CEO (Oscar Isaac) has been developing an advanced AI robot named Ava (Alicia Vikander). To me, “Ex Machina” is as good as a movie can get without being great. The actors all do a good job, especially Oscar Isaac who is the absolute best part of the movie and who I would argue deserves an Oscar (Isaac) nomination. Garland’s writing tackles a number of weighty themes in a way that’s impressively both intelligent and accessible. While the movie is more about ideas and philosophy than special effects, the visuals and setting are fantastic and surprisingly believable. This is an expertly crafted film, and I definitely look forward to whatever project Alex Garland attaches himself to next.
My main problem with the movie is that while it’s intellectually and visually engaging, it’s not very involving dramatically, at least not until the 3rd act. The best AI movies (like “Blade Runner”, for example) know how to balance its themes with a compelling story. “Ex Machina” felt at times like a very pretty and well-shot TED talk. Also, the plot is quite predictable. Normally, predictability doesn’t bother me all that much, but combining the lack of drama with the fact that I could (and did) accurately guess much of what would happen after about 20 minutes did hurt it a bit.
However, none of this ruined “Ex Machina” for me. I still very much liked it (again, especially Oscar Isaac), and would recommend it to anyone looking for something smart and unique, and the dancing scene is one of my favorite movie moments of 2015.
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14. Sicario – A dark, violent thriller about the U.S. government’s involvement in the War on Drugs near the U.S.-Mexico border, “Sicario” is like taking a class in Movie Tension 101. From the heart-pounding music, to Roger Deakins’ fantastic camerawork, to director Denis Villeneuve’s masterful handling of his individual scenes, everything contributes to making the audience uncomfortable while still having them at the edge of their seats. During some of the action set-pieces, I was genuinely forgetting to breathe at times.
The cast is led by a trio of fantastic performances from Emily Blunt, Josh Brolin, and especially Benicio Del Toro. The story of a young, idealistic FBI agent helping the CIA carry out questionably legal operations is compelling and nicely morally ambiguous with a pair of good character arcs, and the climax absolutely floored me. My only main problem with the movie was some pacing issues. The story doesn’t do a great job of properly building towards the 3rd act, and a lot of what happens between the incredible, early convoy set-piece and the climax feels like downtime. Also, Blunt’s character was pretty unrealistically stupid and naive at times for an FBI agent, as well as being a bit too passive and undeveloped as a character. However, while not without its flaws, “Sicario” is an excellently crafted thriller and well-worth watching if you want to see an outstanding action scene and an awesomely badass turn from Benicio Del Toro.
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13. Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation – I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; Tom Cruise is the best action star in the world today. The man’s incredible (and likely insane) commitment to endangering himself for our entertainment, coupled with his strong acting skills and charisma, cements him as (in my mind) the last truly great blockbuster leading man, someone whose name you’d put on a poster to get asses in the seats. From the plane scene, to the underwater scene, to the car/motorbike chase, to everything else, he is used to his absolute fullest here.
He is matched very well by newcomer Rebecca Ferguson who, based on her performance here as a slippery double-agent, is going to be a fantastic A-list actress in no time. Writer/director Christopher McQuarrie, who previously directed Cruise in the surprisingly solid “Jack Reacher”, displays some strong action movie chops, and he knows how to build suspense as well, particularly in an outstanding scene in an opera show. The movie is much more espionage-oriented than the previous entry Ghost Protocol, and it works quite well.
Personally, I think Ghost Protocol (which is one of my favorite action movies ever) was the superior movie. It was faster paced, more consistently engaging, and featured more impressive set pieces. Rogue Nation is still very good, but sadly wastes Jeremy Renner and Ving Rhames by hardly giving them anything to do, and there are far too many scenes of men in suits talking about backroom politics. The main bad guy never really comes across as intimidating and isn’t very memorable. The amount of double-crosses in this movie was just over the acceptable amount for me, as well, and Ghost Protocol’s Brad Bird is better at directing action scenes than McQuarrie. While the set-pieces here are spectacular, most of them end a bit anticlimactically.
While not the peak of the series, Rogue Nation is still one of the best action movies of the year, and further proof that Tom Cruise (at 53 years young) is a movie star without equal. The franchise is still going strong, and I can’t wait to find out who will direct the sequel (hopefully Justin Lin or Doug Liman), and I especially can’t wait to see in what spectacular way Cruise will try to kill himself on camera next. Can’t bruise the Cruise.
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12. Steve Jobs – “Steve Jobs” is a script first and movie second. Aaron Sorkin’s writing is both the best and worst thing about the movie. The script has all the trademark wit and brilliant lines that you’d expect from Sorkin, but it’s so rigidly structured (much like a three-act theater show) it leaves very little room for the actors and directors to breathe and put their own mark on the story. Why hire someone like Danny Boyle (a visually energetic director) and only have him film people in backstage rooms? Michael Fassbender and Kate Winslet are brilliant actors and are great in their roles, but since they’re almost always talking, we don’t get much time to take in the characters and their conflicts. Also, while the script is smart and entertaining, it’s kind of disappointing that it lacks depth and doesn’t really portray what kind of person Jobs was really like. It doesn’t shy away from showing him as an asshole, but it also doesn’t show why people followed him as strongly as they did. The movie is still a smart and highly entertaining piece of work, but it falls disappointingly short of the greatness it aspires for.
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11. Carol – A movie about Rooney Mara and Cate Blanchett (literally my two favorite actresses) who are in lesbians with each other in a 1950’s period setting cannot possibly be bad. You can hire any hack with that premise and it’d still be a good movie. Thankfully, with Todd Haynes’ smart and sensitive directing and the utterly beautiful photography from Ed Lachmann, “Carol” is actually pretty great. The acting is phenomenal (of course), the writing is very good, the story is touching and affecting, and the period detail is impressive as hell (I scanned the passing background during a random street scene and saw “We Like Ike” posters on a store window, which told me the year even though the movie never explicitly states it). I like how the story has themes of intolerance and classism, but Haynes never lets them intrude or distract from the story, making the whole thing feel very focused and natural. Lame title and melodrama aside, Carol is a damn fine period romance, and further proof that Rooney Mara should star in an Audrey Hepburn biopic.
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10. Magic Mike XXL – I am as shocked as you that this movie ended up this high on my list, but here we are. The first Magic Mike was an alright movie despite being little more than a poor-man’s stripper-themed “Boogie Nights”. The sequel ditches the unnecessary drama in favor of a cheerful road trip movie. The plot is light, reuniting the dancers from the first film for a one-last-hurrah at a stripper convention, but it’s so damn fun that it doesn’t matter. Conflicts are not so much resolved as they gradually dissolve in the onscreen joy. This is also a very progressive movie, but not in a preachy way. Rather than talk about equality among people, it embodies it, treating everyone in the film as beautiful human beings but never in a way that feels cloying or pandering. Put it this way; I don’t give much of a shit about progressive values and I still admired how it was done in Magic Mike XXL. The characters are very likable, their banter is funny, and the dance sequences are awesome. The cinematography and editing during these scenes is genuinely impressive, and there’s so much humor and creativity on display that it’s impossible not to have fun. If you don’t smile during the gas-station scene, you don’t have a soul.
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9. Krampus – “Krampus” is great. The humor is character-driven and genuinely funny. The cast is great. The premise is fun. The movie looks terrific. The sound design is amazing. The pacing is good. You can cut the atmosphere with a knife (I actually felt cold at times watching this). My only complaints are that I wish the movie was R-rated and went further as far as horror goes, and that the final shot is a bit obnoxious. I don’t have all that much to say about it, but make no mistake, “Krampus” is great and is easily one of the best times I’ve had in a theatre all year.
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8. The Big Short – Leave it to Adam McKay (writer/director of “Anchorman”) to somehow make the timeliest and most important movie of 2015. “The Big Short” chronicles the mostly true story of a group of Wall Street outsiders who predicted the collapse of the housing market that caused the global recession from several years ago, and tried to get rich off of it. McKay’s sense of humor meshes really well with the characters and subject matter, and the screenplay pulls off the miraculous three-peat of being hilarious, poignant, and smart. It details the economic complexities of the situation while still being accessible enough that anyone who’s paying attention can grasp the overall picture (also thanks in part to the fantastic editing on display; it’s so good that I’m actually mentioning it in this review). I love how the movie starts off funny, but gradually morphs into seriousness so as to really hit us with the tragedy of how an entire country got screwed by those in charge of the economic sector.
The energetic camerawork and frequent zooms can be a bit disorienting at first, but I got used to it after a bit. My only major complaint was that while the movie’s main stars are Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt, and Christian Bale (all of whom do terrific work), they never share any screentime aside from a few scenes with Carell and Gosling. Even it’s not the best movie of the year, I would say that “The Big Short” is the one that everyone should see. If you want a one-phrase review, I would say that “The Big Short” is like a better and more meaningful “Wolf of Wall Street”.
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7. The Hateful Eight – Here are my thoughts on Quentin Tarantino (as a filmmaker, not as a socially-retarded foot-fetishist who thinks he’s black); he’s a brilliant filmmaker that directed three of the best films of the 90’s, but who in the past decade has been somewhat disappointing as his films (while entertaining) have become obnoxious and self-indulgent to the point that footage of him masturbating furiously in front of the camera wouldn’t feel out-of-place. Having said that, “The Hateful Eight” is his best film since “Kill Bill”, chiefly due to it having some restraint. Don’t get me wrong, this is still Tarantino. There’s still a scene (IN GLORIOUS 70MM) of a guy forcing a naked man in the snow to suck him off. But the slow-pace and mystery nature of the plot allows his great characters and dialogue to breathe. Any movie that allows Samuel L. Jackson to glower and monologue on end cannot possibly be bad. The cast shines (save for Michael Madsen, who is forgettable, and Tim Roth, who is a poor-man’s Christoph Waltz), with Walton Goggins stealing the show with the funniest and most engaging character (who also has the only real character arc in the film).
My main problem is with the plot. The story is about 8 strangers who find themselves at a roadside inn during a blizzard sometime after the Civil War. None of these are particularly trustworthy or likable people, and some may not be who they say they are. I got the impression that their interactions will be a sort of cat-and-mouse game with everyone outsmarting and deceiving each other as the movie proceeds. This happens to an extent, but without too much spoiling, it’s somewhat of a disappointment that the movie just ends with everyone shooting each other. It’s still entertaining and hilarious, but the material just feels like B-movie schlock that is given Tarantino’s filmmaking flair. Also, there’s one really annoying bit where he pretty much stops the movie so that he can needlessly narrate what’s going on so far (presumably for the intermission, which wasn’t in the version I saw).
Despite its faults, this is my favorite Tarantino film in over a decade. It’s fantastically crafted, the dialogue is endlessly entertaining, it’s hilarious, and the cast is great. “The H8ful 8” is str8 gr8, m8. I r8 it an 8.
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6. Bridge of Spies – Steven Spielberg is one of the cornerstones of modern cinema. While he can’t help but be mawkishly sentimental in a lot of his work, oftentimes his movies are so damn good that he simply justifies himself. Such is the case with “Bridge of Spies”, Spielberg’s attempt at an old-fashioned historical drama of the kind James Stewart used to star in. Playing the role of the Jimmy Stewart character is Tom Hanks, who is predictably fantastic as James B. Donovan, the moral, decent lawyer who gets caught up in a U.S.-Soviet prisoner exchange in the middle of the Cold War. The movie is well-written, beautifully photographed with great attention to historical detail, terrifically acted (by Hanks and especially by Mark Rylance as Soviet spy Rudolf Abel), and the story is very compelling. “Bridge of Spies” may be corny, nostalgic, crowd-pleasing schmaltz, but damn it, the movie wouldn’t be as good if it wasn’t, and I’m glad Spielberg hasn’t given in to modern-day cynicism. The movie seems to ask where the James B. Donovans of the world are today, and we as an audience are made to care, too.
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5. The Martian – Let it never be said that mainstream Hollywood crowd-pleasers are a bad thing. Case in point is Ridley Scott’s “The Martian”. While it has its’ fair share of contrivances and clichĂ©s, the damn thing works so well and I was so engaged throughout that they never really bothered me. Drew Goddard’s script is very good, simultaneously accessible and not feeling like it’s pandering, as well as being surprisingly very funny. Matt Damon is great, using every bit of his charisma, comic timing, and sheer likability in a leading-man role that feels like he was born to play. The rest of the cast is good, with everyone doing a serviceable job but no one except Damon really stands out. The only exception is Donald Glover. While all the other NASA scientists/astronauts are portrayed as smart and nerdy but fairly normal, down-to-earth people, Dong Lover (whether his character was written this way or if he decided to play him like this) plays the stereotypical quirky, possibly-autistic nerd of the type you’d see on “The Big Bang Theory”, making him a pretty distracting presence who thankfully isn’t in the movie all that much.
Ridley Scott shows why, even in his late 70’s, he’s still one of the best visual storytellers around, expertly capturing the loneliness and awe felt by Damon’s character as he’s stranded on Mars, and keeping the pace brisk and the story engaging on a human level even amidst all the hard-science. Scott has rarely, if ever, made a feel-good film, but he does it really well here, keeping the tone relatively light-hearted but never to the point where the stakes and the character’s struggles are diminished. I saw this movie in 3D and it’s solid, if a bit unnecessary, although it does make the heads-up-displays in certain scenes look really cool.
As I said, this kind of movie generally comes with a number of clichĂ©s and corny lines (my favorite being a scientist laying something out in really technical terms, to which another character replies “In English, please”), but “The Martian” is so beautiful, funny, well-acted, engaging, and even thrilling that I can forgive its minor flaws, and it has the best use of a David Bowie song I’ve ever seen in a movie. Ridley Scott is back.
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4. Shaun the Sheep Movie – It is a crying goddamn shame that since “Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit”, none of Aardman Animations’ movies have done that well in the U.S. box office, since in terms of quality Aardman has a better batting average than Disney, Dreamworks, and even Pixar, in my opinion. All of their stop-motion movies, shorts, and shows are so funny, warm, lovingly crafted and just plain enjoyable for people of all ages that I can’t imagine why they aren’t promoted as well in the States.
“Shaun the Sheep Movie”, based on the British television program starring the eponymous Shaun (who was previously in a Wallace and Gromit short), continues this tradition by being one of the funniest, most creative, and most heart-warming comedies I’ve seen in quite a while. The movie is about Shaun and his flock’s efforts to rescue their farmer after he accidentally ends up in the big city. Done without any dialogue, this movie feels like a colorful silent comedy. Aardman again shows their considerable talents in visual storytelling and humor, without letting silly things like logic or seriousness get in the way of the story or fun. I wouldn’t say this is as good as “Curse of the Were-Rabbit”, but “Shaun the Sheep Movie” is still one of the most enjoyable, satisfying and funniest movies of the year, and if you don’t like it, I hope you have enough oil for all your squeaky joints, you fucking soulless robot.
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3. The End of the Tour – I never would have thought that a movie consisting mostly of two guys talking to each other would be one of my favorite movies of the year, but here we are. “The End of the Tour” is about Rolling Stone journalist David Lipsky (Jesse Eisenberg) and his road-trip/interview with “Infinite Jest” writer David Foster Wallace (Jason Segel) near the end of Wallace’s book tour. The bulk of the movie is just Lipsky and Wallace talking about writing, depression, and human nature, among other things, as they gradually reveal more about themselves and try to see what makes the other tick. The excellent screenplay pulls off the almost impossible task of making the discussion of all of these weighty topics seem natural, flowy and character-driven, rather than making it sound like a movie script or a lecture. The fact that it’s funny, touching, and thought-provoking throughout is an even bigger plus.
The two leads are excellent and have great chemistry with each other. Segel in particular is a revelation as Wallace, completely shedding his goofy comedic image and showing humanity and depth of character rarely seen in movies today. His performance is one of the best of the year and is worthy of any award nominations he gets. You don’t need to be familiar with “Infinite Jest” or Wallace’s other work to enjoy the hell out of this movie, and if anything, “The End of the Tour” made me want to check it out (and even if the book ends up being shit, it ought to make people think I’m smart just by owning it).
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2. Spotlight – This movie tells the story of Spotlight, the investigative journalism team of the Boston Globe and their 2001-2002 investigation into Catholic Church sex abuse. The movie is laser-focused on the story, much like the journalists it portrays. There are main characters, but there is no real lead; the story is front and center. Their family and loved ones are mentioned, but rarely (if ever) seen. There is no bullshit filler or unnecessary subplots. Many scenes involve these people sifting through documents and talking to sources, lawyers, and officials. The direction isn’t flashy and is pretty subdued. Does any of this make the movie sound dull or lacking in drama? I hope not, because “Spotlight” is one of the most fascinating and riveting films I’ve seen all year.
The heavy focus on investigative details works because the writing is so fantastic that you hang on every word and new discovery. Also helping is the aforementioned directing by Tom McCarthy. He keeps the very wordy and information-heavy plot going at a briskly engaging pace (similarly to “All the President’s Men” and David Fincher’s “The Girl with the  Dragon Tattoo”), and has a terrific attention to detail and makes great use of Boston locations. The atmosphere is wonderfully Bostonian, and the setting feels authentic. McCarthy may not use any gimmicky camera movements/angles, or highly elaborate one-takes, but this is some top-notch moviemaking. McCarthy knows how to make something as simple as the story printing off the presses an intensely emotional moment. The story is so gripping that when the investigation is temporarily put on the sidelines because of 9/11, you become as frustrated as the Spotlight team by what feels like a distraction.
The cast is flawless. Everyone plays their role very well, even minor players, and even some that you only hear over the phone. Michael Keaton, Mark Ruffalo, Stanley Tucci, and Liev Schreiber are particularly outstanding. This is not a character-driven movie, but all the actors involved feel like real people as opposed to movie characters, and are even given some great character moments that highlight how they were all affected by the Church’s actions.
The only flaws I can think of were that a scene involving a children’s choir singing “Silent Night” in a church was a tad heavy-handed, and that it was occasionally hard to keep track of the names of all the characters, some of whom are never seen. Also, I would have liked to have seen more of Liev Schreiber’s character. 
This isn’t a typical historical drama/biopic, filled with manipulation, bias, or glorification of its subjects. This is a movie about determined professionals doing their jobs, and it’s one of the best movies of 2015.
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1. Mad Max: Fury Road – I’m going to get my minor issues with this film out of the way quickly. The writing/acting is good (but not great), Max’s hallucinations are a bit hackneyed, the “boss fights” feel a little anticlimactic, and although Tom Hardy does a good job, I honestly think keeping Mel Gibson as Max would have been the better choice.
Having said that, “Mad Max: Fury Road” is the best movie of 2015 by a wide fucking margin. Now, I’m going to keep listing off hyperbolic-sounding compliments towards “Mad Max: Fury Road” to drive home how goddamn awesome this movie is. To any Warner Bros. execs reading this, feel free to put any of these on the Blu-Ray case.
-          “Mad Max: Fury Road” is not just a movie. It’s an event.
-          “Mad Max: Fury Road” feels like having a rusty syringe filled to the brim with testosterone injected straight into your eyeballs.
-          My friends pointed out to me that my jaw was actually dropped at certain points in the movie. I believe them.
-          I was literally salivating at one point
-          I often have trouble recollecting large portions of movies shortly after I’ve seen them, but “Mad Max: Fury Road” is so damn memorable that I vividly remember it several months after seeing it.
-          “Mad Max: Fury Road” has some of the best and most detailed world-building and design that I’ve ever seen in a movie.
-          There isn’t a single frame of “Mad Max: Fury Road” that isn’t absolutely gorgeous.
-          Despite how many cuts there are, I always 100% understood what was happening and where people and things were in relation to each other. This is an incredibly edited movie.
-          George Miller, a 70-year-old Aussie who spent the past two decades making nothing but family movies about anthropomorphic animals, has made the most impressively directed action movie I’ve ever seen.
-          George Miller is love. George Miller is life. GEORGE MILLER IS GOD.
THE GOLDEN MICHAEL AWARDS
The “Mayweather vs. Pacquiao” Award for Biggest Disappointment
Nominees:
Blackhat
Everest
In the Heart of the Sea
Legend
Tomorrowland
Winner:
Tomorrowland
The George Lucas Award for Worst Writing
Nominees:
Fantastic Four
Inside Out
Spectre
Terminator Genisys
Tomorrowland
 Winner:
 Fantastic Four
The “Shortest Distance Between Two Points” Award for Best Line
Nominees:
“This wreck’s gonna sink.” --> “Fucking useless sub if it don’t.” – Black Sea
“You tore up her picture.” --> “I’m gonna tear up the fuckin’ dance floor, dude. Check it out.” – Ex Machina
“I’m homosexual, Frances. Well
I’m a giver, right? I’m not a receiver. There is a difference. I’m NOT a faggot.” – Legend
“Nothing kills me. I'm immune to 179 different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison-ingesting crime ring.” – Spy
“I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.” --> “I think of it like this. If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.” - What We Do in the Shadows
Winner:
What We Do in the Shadows
The Howard Hawks Award for Best Scene
Nominees:
Ending – Phoenix
Border crossing – Sicario
Rocky Steps – Creed
Vienna opera – Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation
Storm chase – Mad Max: Fury Road
First visit to Tomorrowland – Tomorrowland
Escape from East Berlin - The Man from UNCLE
Rick’s monologue – 99 Homes
Paris hotel room scene – Spy
Church brawl – Kingsman: The Secret Service
Dancing scene – Ex Machina
Gas station scene – Magic Mike XXL
Opening credits – Krampus
Iron Man scene – The Martian
Ending – Furious 7
Winner:
Ending - Phoenix
The “As Written by the Coen Brothers” Award for Best Character*
*original characters only
Nominees:
Luis (played by Michael Peña) – Ant-Man
The Commandant (played by Idris Elba) – Beasts of No Nation
Nathan (played by Oscar Isaac) – Ex Machina
Chris Mannix (played by Walton Goggins) – The Hateful Eight
Rick Carver (played by Michael Shannon) – 99 Homes
Brooke (played by Greta Gerwig) – Mistress America
John Fitzgerald (played by Tom Hardy) – The Revenant
Rick Ford (played by Jason Statham) – Spy
Casey Newton (played by Britt Robertson) – Tomorrowland
Winner:
Chris Mannix – The Hateful Eight
The “Getting Swarmed by an Army of Corgis on Your Way to Work” Award for Most Pleasant Surprise
Nominees:
Ant-Man
Magic Mike XXL
Bone Tomahawk
We Are Still Here
Krampus
 Winner:
Krampus
The “Sam Worthington Career Memorial” Award for Blandest Lead
Nominees:
Chris Hemsworth – Blackhat
Daniel Craig – Spectre
Jai Courtney - Terminator Genisys
Miles Teller – Fantastic Four
Vin Diesel – Furious 7
Winner:
Daniel Craig - Spectre
The “Convincingly Faked Orgasm” Award for Best Performance
Nominees:
Jason Segel – The End of the Tour
Matt Damon – The Martian
Walton Goggins – The Hateful Eight
Jennifer Jason Leigh – The Hateful Eight
Mark Rylance – Bridge of Spies
Michael Fassbender – Steve Jobs
Benicio Del Toro – Sicario
Oscar Isaac – Ex Machina
Sylvester Stallone – Creed
Nina Hoss – Phoenix
Elisabeth Moss – Queen of Earth
Saoirse Ronan – Brooklyn
Tom Hardy – The Revenant
Michael Shannon – 99 Homes
Idris Elba – Beasts of No Nation
Tom Hardy – Legend
Jason Statham – Spy
Brie Larson - Room
Winner:
Tom Hardy – The Revenant
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