mooncalf87

[mooncalf87]

Things I don’t like about myself

I always say I hate attention but I love it.I like to joke about the tragedies in my life.I love it when people feel sorry for me. I love to talk about my problems with other people.  I think by laughing at my pain that others will see me as strong and I’ll get more pity from them. I love pity. I love to be pitied. I tell all my friends the stories of my grandparents dying, my pets getting killed or my family breaking apart, and I don’t want them to forget it so I turn it all into jokes, maybe jokes that they want to hear again. I want my problems to ring in the ears of other people, so they might ask me to tell them again.

“Hey man tell us how your pets died again”

“Ha ha sure thing. It all started with this chihuahua I had way back……”

And there I go for another hour, telling the tales of my losses.

People think I’m funny. I’m not funny, and I don’t care how many people tell me I am.I am not funny. I’m just a leech, I’ve never came up with anything original in my life. I’m incapable of doing so. I can’t create something new I can only take bits and pieces from others and mash them together. It’s disgusting. No I’m not someone you should laugh at. What did the audience ever even hear from me, oh a wacky sound, oh a controversial political opinion in a funny accent. Fuck me. I make myself sick. All I am is a leech, no, less than a leech, I’m just a copy, a mimic. Even a leech has ability all it’s own. Not me. I have no talents, no gifts, and no drive or willpower to develop one. I’m just a lump, a pile of unmolded clay drying in it’s container. I squander my own potential an then have the gall to blog about it like some dramatic little bitch.  Oh how original, airing your problems on tumblr for all the world to see, hoping someone sees it and offers help. What am I even doing. I’m losing steam. I was angry at myself but now I’m just feeling sadness. Just overwhelming sadness. If i wasnt typing right now I’d just be sitting here, in my room doing nothing. Just nothing. I’d just sit in my chair and I’d stare, to sad or unmotivated to sleep, or eat, or do anything fun. I’d just sit here and star and stare and stare.

Found a new sore spot for myself.

I have stories you know, like original stories, and I know that contradicts what I typed above but that was a different me, a different emotion. No i have a story in my mind and I love it. It a sci-fi tale that I’ve been thinking about for the last 6 years at least. I’ve tried so many times to write it down but there’s something wrong with me. I just can’t do it. Whenever I go to write I just lose it, it vanishes from my mind. All gone. That not true, what actually happens is a number of things. I’ll go to write it and suddenly this cool idea just seems so dumb. All my drawings and stories get erased and torn up because after I write or draw something I hate it. i hate everything I make. I hate it all so much it never comes out right. The dialogue is clunky, the plot makes no sense, I an’t figure out what I want to happen.l can’t picture anything in my mind. All i see is black. I don’t even have dreams when I go to sleep. I can’t remember anything, names faces, conversations. I always have this god damn headache. Every single night without fail I just get so sad. i can usually stave it off by talking to a friend over the internet though. It feels so good you know, to hear the voice of someone who understands you. I have a friend who understands me, and they know more about me than anyone else on earth. Not my family, certainly not my parents, my friends knows the real me. The me that I hate. The messed up me. The perverse me who prides himself by how neatly organised his depraved porn collection is, the disgusting me who masturbates to drawings. The pathetic me who is so afraid every body that he’s never had date or even tried to get one.

I am lonely on purpose. I do it to myself because I’m scared.So scared of people. I have friends yeah, but I always feel like some needy puppy when I’m around them. i feel like they dont really like me, even the friend who I said knows everything about me. I feel like I’m a bother to everyone, but that’s just friendships, its worse for love. I’m 19, still young, but I’ve never been on a date, and what’s worse is I’ve never tried to get one. I just don’t know how. how do you just talk to someone you’ve never met before, how do you initiate friendship, how do you initiate romance. I’ve never made friends with people, I always wait for people to make friends with me. I have no idea how to talk to a new person. how do you just walk up someone and talk to them without being creepy. Do compliment them on their clothes? will they think that i was staring at them? Do I try to join in their conversation? Wont that make them think I was eavesdropping? how the fuck do you talk to people? How god damn it? I don’t think I’ve ever started a conversation in my life.

I’m not one for self diagnosis but something is wrong with me. I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I Can’t go to anyone with this. They’ll think I’m loony, they’ll put me on watch lists. They’ll think I’m dangerous. i’m not dangerous, I’m just sad. I ruined my chances though of getting help. Let me tell you about that.

This is my absolute greatest pain in life. My parents splitting up, my grandparents dying, all my animals getting killed. None of that matters, if I could stop any of that from happening, I wouldn’t, instead I’d stop what I’m about to tell you from happening. I was going through my mothers box of memories from when my brothers and I were much younger. I found a note from my first grade teacher in a folder about how much she enjoyed having me in class all those years ago. So i thought it would be really cool if I found my teacher on Facebook and sent her the note and caught up with her. I’m very sentimental, I get sad throwing away old pen, so I thought this would be a fantastic way to connect back with someone from my past. but GOD FUCKING DAMNIT DID I FUCK UP. I sent her the note and told her who I was. She was thrilled to get my message and we chatted back and forth for a couple of days and all was good. however, there were a couple of outlying problems, a few confounding variables, you see, sometimes meanings get lost through faceless text conversations. So when I told her “I had a bad memory” Instead of me not being able to remember anything, it was taken as me being a troubled child with a memory of a bad event. Maybe you can see where this is going. Oh but that’s not the worst part by any means at all. When I tell you this next thing your going to think I’m the dumbest piece of shit to ever walk the planet. you’re going to wonder how I even survive. Holy shit its so bad. Ok, I have a poor memory, I can’t remember a dang thang. What I failed to mention, and I know you don’t like this word, is that I am FUCKING RETARDED. I wanted this teacher to supply me with something to help me jog my memory of this school hadn’t gone to in over 10 years. So in my infinite fucking wisdom, I asked her to take a picture of a map of the school and send it to me. So if  I told you that a possibly troubled kid just randomly sent a messaged out of the blue asking for a a teacher for map to a school he hasn’t been to in over 10 years, what do you think that means? Well, to people unlike myself, who have normal functioning brains, that sounds like a guy who want to come and shoot up an elementary school.So I got some calls from some police departments, got some calls from my family, left work, cried a bunch, beat myself up and stopped using Facebook. The greatest pain I’ve ever experienced in my life was, and is, the pain of knowing that my idiocy, and my bumbling, caused people out there to feel unsafe. It hurts so bad knowing that my stupidity killed the peace of mind of others. I’m so sorry. I have a fear now, you know? i’m paranoid, I think It’ll happen again. i’ll open my mouth and hurt somebody. So ever since then, I don’t talk to people as much. I go to work, don’t speak unless spoken to. Go to class, don’t speak unless spoken to. Visit family, don’t speak unless spoken to.

I’m not having a good time, but, I don’t know. Could be worse.

now I’m going to put some tags on this wall of text because I want people to read this.

#all of this #this post was made in 2017 #it has no notes #but yet somehow i found it and relate to jt

[mooncalf87]

#this is so beautiful #as someone who has been using clay for a couple years- i dont think people realize how incredibly hard this is #also marie pleass by god ignore the fact that i am repostinf one of your reposts from 2017 #i got sucked down a rabbit hole okay #art #sculpture #clay sculpting #clay art #clay #artwork

[mooncalf87]

reblog w the song lyrics in your head NOW. either stuck in yr head or what yr listening to

#and im just the idiot #with the painted face #in the corner taking up space #but when he walks in #i am loved #i am looooovveddddd #me and my husband #we're doing better #its always bedn jist him and me together #SO I BET ALL I HAVE ON THAT FURROWED BROWWWWWWWWWWWWW #AND AT LEAST IN THIS LIFETIMEE #WE'RE DOIN BETTERRRRRR

[mooncalf87]

Hetty & Trevor | Ghosts 3x06

#they so in love #hettys agrery little face #trevor being a petty lovable bitch #ghosts #ghosts cbs #cbsghostsedit #ghostsedit #hetty woodstone #trevor lefkowitz #rebecca wisocky #asher grodman #ghosts: season 3 #ghosts: 3x06 #trevor and hetty #hetty x trevor #h money

[mooncalf87]

hmoney emotional huet comfort your honor

#ghosts cbs #cbs ghosts #hetty woodstone #trevor lefkowitz #hetty x trevor #trevor x hetty #hmoney #h$ #tretty

[mooncalf87]

yall i was kidding

K so we all need to agree on a Flower/Nancy ship name

#i love that everyone went for it #cbs ghosts #cbs ghosts spoilers #ghosts cbs #flower montero #susan montero #nancy the colera ghost #Nancy cbs ghosts #thorfinn #hetty woodstone #sasappis #isaac higgintoot #pete martino #alberta haynes #trevor lefkowitz #nancy x flower #flower x nancy

[mooncalf87]

#A win for the bisexual polyam bitches (it's me I'm bitches)

CBS GHOSTS | THE TRAVELING AGENT

#fuck you thor #Flancy is my new otp

[mooncalf87]

HELP

If anyone hurts my blorbos then I am throwing hands

Pete and Hetty BETTER make it out of this alive

#“what the french toast” IM USING THST NOW

[mooncalf87]

Ghosts S03E09 | The Traveling Agent

#i love that Hetty is besties with both Alberta and Isaac so shes not above watching either of them get crushed by the other #“my bestie is getting verbally demolished by my other bestie??? grab the cocaine thisll be fun!” #her little nose and chin upturn #i love hetty #my bbg #my princess #(shes a 50 year old woman) my little baby girl #cbs ghosts #cbs ghosts spoilers

[mooncalf87]

If anyone hurts my blorbos then I am throwing hands

Pete and Hetty BETTER make it out of this alive

#ghosts cbs #cbs ghosts spoilers #cbs ghosts #thorfinn #sasappis #isaac higgintoot #hetty woodstone #alberta haynes #flower montero #pete martino #trevor lefkowitz

[mooncalf87]

Ough hetty. The way she holds her neck when she's scared. Augh baby girl

Actually SO UPSET that they didn't revisit anything about last ep today

#cbs ghosts #cbs ghosts spoilers #ghosts cbs #hetty woodstone

[mooncalf87]

I love you so much. That was actually just me being lazy. I love this reblog. I love you random lady with the same name as me <3<3 Noels unite in ghosts Fandom

Sacrificing my dignity by posting some hetty doodles

#my name is spelled like Noelle and that is technically my deadname but who cares

[mooncalf87]

Pete's gonna come back right???? RIGHT??????

#HE BETTER #I NEED BOTH MY BLORBOS IN THR SAME HOUSE AGAIN #pete martino #ghosts cbs #cbs ghosts spoilers #cbs ghosts

[mooncalf87]

K so we all need to agree on a Flower/Nancy ship name

#personally i like Flancy #cbs ghosts #cbs ghosts spoilers #ghosts cbs #flower montero #susan montero #nancy the colera ghost #Nancy cbs ghosts #thorfinn #hetty woodstone #sasappis #isaac higgintoot #pete martino #alberta haynes #trevor lefkowitz

[mooncalf87]

I was getting mad because I have a really hard time drawing humans but I want to make more Ghosts fanart so bad but then realized I can just. Do whatever I want. If I'm a furry artist I can just draw them as furries. My city now.

#this art holds such a special place in my heart #it was your PFP when i met you Pigeon #not only that fact that its our blorbo as a cat which is amazing on its own. but. #its so special #i need to get around to priting this one and putting it in my Friends Art Shrine #fanart #cbs ghosts #not my art #amazing artist #the holy grail of CBS Ghosts art

[mooncalf87]

finished up an old flower sketch from january <3 she's just a little guy

#HER<3<3 #i have a sticker of this drawing on my desk #but for the past couple months while i was reajusting to liking Ghosts i had it coverd with a remote #then i completely forgot about it #BUT I MOVED THE REMOTE TODAY AND IRL GASPED #i was like “FLOWER????? BBG????????” #am so excited to have her chilling out on the open again #cbs ghosts #fanart #not my art #amazing artist

[mooncalf87]

Sacrificing my dignity by posting some hetty doodles

#dont shun my art abilities i beg of you #cbs ghosts #ghosts cbs #hetty woodstone