mojavepumpkin

[mojavepumpkin]

4/17?/24

i haven’t written in a while. i’m quitting at work- bittersweet feelings ensue. prom is this saturday, only sweetness for that one. pretty much only sweetness.

i feel to busy to think sometimes, or maybe too busy to think deliberately. i wish i had more time inbetween moments. this kind of thing helps me slow down. but the faster i go the harder it is to do- that’s the paradox. i don’t even really remember what i did today. i worked, i remember that. i wished it had rained. sometimes i never want it to stop raining- it’s the nicest kind of weather. just before it rains is the second nicest. but that has some kind of expectation to it, it’s the same reason why nobody’s favorite star wars movie is a new hope, because you know the empire strikes back is next.

i was behind an impatient driver, well. i was behind a tractor and a truck. the truck was impatient, and i couldn’t decide how the tractor was. all i knew was that the tractor was moving at a pace that one could describe as “leisurely”, the truck did not agree with this outlook on life. i however, accepted it. i listened to a song, during all this and it said a lyric that i think is applicable

“wherever i’m going is the same place ive been”

why are you in such a rush to go some place? it’s all the same anyway, the place you want to be is no different then the place you are right now. i don’t understand impatient drivers, im never in a hurry. i drive fast not to arrive quickly but to leave quickly, if that makes sense. but i never drive impatiently.

i’ve been reading a catcher in the rye, i’m thinking mr. salinger must have been a genius. it’s very good, or maybe it isn’t, but whether it is or isn’t is irrelevant, i like it anyway.

a friend told me that i pay too much attention to the critical reception of things. but maybe i just like things that smart professional thing likers like, and maybe that makes me better than you.

it makes me better than them too. because i’m an amateur thing liker, and im on the level of the professionals, I DONT EVEN GET PAID TO LIKE THINGS. i should be in the olympics of opinions. amateur opinion-haver.

i am tired. i need a break. dinner was good tonight. i was very hungry. i wish i talked to my mom more. she might still be in there, whenever i walk in there expecting her to be there and she isn’t a kind of hole opens up in me.

i’m excited for prom, i’ve always been a fiend for a shin dig, i can’t dance, though. the dancing is not the important part, not for me, anyway.

[mojavepumpkin]

realizing while i ask siri to please set me a timer that 10,000 years ago i’d be opening a goat’s skull with my hands.

[mojavepumpkin]

the realization that the most beautiful things get attention independently of asking for it is horrifying to me, who so often begs for attention.

[mojavepumpkin]

im not sure how our ancestors made it, the sound of the television and crickets just gave me an anxiety attack, though, if you were to show a homo neanderthalis a TV i suppose that they might have a similar reaction.

[mojavepumpkin]

living is a ritual of remembering

[mojavepumpkin]

me.

[mojavepumpkin]

[mojavepumpkin]

looked at old pictures today, made my heart race

i thought, one day this will all be a memory

[mojavepumpkin]

falling together, into timeless abyss

you can’t tell me it gets better than this.

[mojavepumpkin]

maybe the reason why i have enshrined you inside of myself is because i feel i didn’t love you enough when you were here.

i’m just now figuring out how much i miss you. i miss you more each day that i discover yourself inside of myself.

too little too late.

[mojavepumpkin]

is changing the act of becoming yourself, or is it just a further distancing from the primordial self.

each time we change are we distancing ourselves from some platonic “self” or are we getting closer.

[mojavepumpkin]

3/29/24

today has been good. we got out early at school, i’m not sure why we went. when i drove home i drove fast, i felt good. sometimes when i drive fast it makes me feel like my mind is going slower than normal. like maybe the weight that usually lives within me is gone and i can live without it for a moment, slow down and breathe. maybe in outrunning myself i can catch up to the real me.

art was good, R and A left, though, i wished they had stayed because i enjoy talking to them. idk. it was a good day i think. all i know is that im tired. maybe as soon as i stop feeling something im not sure if i felt it at all. or maybe the emptiness that i feel after im really happy is evidence, or maybe emptiness is all i got and now that im not distracted i notice it better.

i saw a bald eagle today. i wonder if they feel the same way about something the way we do about them, we stopped our car and turned around just to see better. if an eagle could drive would it stop its car if it saw, say, a moose?

sometimes my heart beats really fast and i get scared, and im not sure what im scared of but i just know that i am. sometimes i tell myself that it’ll go away once something passes, but it doesn’t go away. there’s just a sacredness within myself of something hard to grasp. i just wish i could be seven again. maybe scared isn’t the right word, more so on edge, like in a horror movie when all the music cuts out so you expect something to jump out at you. pensiveness.

pertetual pensiveness provides plenty people pain.

perusing pomegranates, polly paced ‘pon pine planks pondering plainly.

i wonder why alliterating isn’t as popular as rhyming.

i went on the usual walk. i met my parents in town, inadvertently, twice. i would have really preferred to be alone. i like to pretend im someone else, or nobody at all, really. observational but not completely able to be observed. that illusion is shattered upon a look into a reflection, or a conversation with your parents. i wanted to be alone. i ate shawarma on a park bench and thought about how i looked with tzatziki on my face. i wondered why i didn’t ask to eat my food inside the greek place. i got a book, after that. The Catcher In the Rye, i imagine it’s about agriculture and skill positions in baseball. that’s a joke.

i’ve been tired recently, run down feeling. most of the time i want to live IN a moment, rather than living in an endless stream of moments. and trying to stop time is like trying to stop gravity, it just marches forward with the same pace all the time. i want to be a time astronaut, what’s escape velocity for time?

[mojavepumpkin]

the phrase “under the stars” is a complete misconception.

you aren’t underneath a field of stars, you’re within a field of stars, stretching billions of miles in every direction. we are under, above, and beside stars. we are in the stars.

[mojavepumpkin]

monday, march 4th

today was good. i dont feel i did much, which is how i feel everyday, so that is not exactly an accurate gauge of whether or not i actually did do much. the school day wasn't so bad, it was good, actually. we did have a poorly planned quiz in english, though. i made an 85, i hope she curves it in my favor.

after school was much more eventful than before-school. i didn't have anything to do post school so i asked L, because he is always occupied with something. and as i expected, he was doing something, which is when i asked to accompany him. i need to start packing clothes in my car, so im prepared to go walking after school, because thats a newfound preoccupation of mine. but before the walking, today we volunteered at the library, which was fun. just sorting books and talking, we finished quickly, and it would've been quicker if there hadn't been some bluey extravaganza. so we walked after we volunteered, and that was as good as it normally is. only 6 miles or so, but still good enough for me. we found a playground and fooled around on it for some time. we ate after, and it was glorious. truly the best burrito ive had in some time. we saw another mutual friend of ours and had a brief conversation. he needed to get yogurt and milk from the store so we drove there and got it. we were stopped by a train on our way back to the library to his car. i got home at about 7ish. i returned the book i got that i never really intended to read, and searched for a new one that i might actually read. i want something on mindfulness and meditation, but the book i was looking for was not available. i wanted another book on digital minimalism, but it also was not there. i am developing quite an extensive reading list, almost all nonfiction or- i guess they would be called "self help" books. i don't love that title. though i am trying to help my self.

i need to get my car serviced. i have a beta meeting tomorrow, which i am not looking forward to. but apparently there will be donuts. so i will be in attendance. i think i have a biology quiz, which i should be studying for, i made a 60 on the last one, but unfortunately i dont care much to. i have public speaking tomorrow, i dread it to no end. i will be at school for like 8 hours. UGH. idk if im supposed to have that draft done or not, and once again, i do not care much to figure it out. i wonder if i can do something after school tomorrow, i hope i figure some kind of plan out. i like staying busy.

im stuck on country music. OLD stuff. today i listened to hank williams sr. exclusively. it's good music. if he had lived longer i think he'd have been a bob dylan figure. same vain as buddy holly. i spose by the age that williams had died dylan had already released a few classic albums. i still wish he hadntve died so young.

#blog #post #r196 #girlblogging #blogger #reblog #tumblog

[mojavepumpkin]

"so we beat on, like boats against the current. borne back ceaselessly into the past." (cliche, i know but i can't get over that line)

sunday, march 3rd

haven't written in a while, haven't had my computer in a while. left it home when we went to fernandina. it was a good weekend. i was on my phone more than i'd like to have been, the weather was worse than i'd have liked it to have been. still managed to walk 12ish miles, all in all. the weather wasnt so bad when it wasnt raining. cooler than normal, especially sunday. saturday was nicer, walked 9 miles. had a conversation with a man in a silly hat selling free advice. he was nice but i dont feel all that helped, i still appreciate the conversation.

i am disturbed by my lack of preparedness for this literary thing. i have no idea what's going on, what im really doing, who even is running it. oh well, it can only help me i spose. or i could embarrass myself, but i guess i shouldnt get too hung up on that.

i might be getting a new car, or should i say, old truck. which is exciting. this summer. my car is the most expensive out of all of our cars, it was originally mom's and she gave it to me. the insurance is super high, so once we pay it off (in june), we can sell it and get something thats cheaper for me. it just so happens that i have a cheap taste in cars- or trucks. anyway, i hope we'll be able to find a 1998-2011 ford ranger. a tiny little truck for lil ole me.

anyway. im considering deleting youtube. it's tough. it's definitely my most used social media, and i can say 100% that it has made me better and more informed. if you can call it social media. but its also a big "crutch". eating food? watch youtube. getting ready in the morning? watch youtube. cleaning my room? watch youtube (this one is more understandable.)

given it more thought. i will delete it as an experiment. i think i need to learn how to practice mindfulness instead of consuming content every waking moment of my life. i need a book on it, maybe. definitely.

my mind feels very busy at the moment. let me think. the tv is very loud. i feel very hot. my room is dirty. okay. breathe.

what will happen tomorrow? anything of note? not that i can think of, i might make plans. that could be nice. i like keeping myself busy. i wish i could've figured out plans with J today, but nothing materialized - i just went outside by myself. i haven't read very much. but i haven't been on my phone very much. so i guess i've been doing things. i dont have any homework due. i dont have work tomorrow. i should be happy. i need to return a book to the library, and i cant think of anything else i need to do.

tomorrow might be a good day to walk. i'll speak to some folks. i'm trying to incorporate some more southernness into my speaking voice. idk, i'd like to feel like my voice is some kind of connection to the place from which i originate. i tried so hard to get rid of it, now i dont have it all and want it back. thats life.

despite not having known him for very long or very intimately i see a lot of my grandfather in myself. he has become sort of a kindred spirit i spose, for myself. maybe i do believe in the afterlife, i can still kind of feel him. maybe thats the afterlife we get, the feeling we leave with people. even though he isnt my biological grandfather, he was the only grandfather i knew on that side of my family that i ever knew. and now is certainly the only positive father like figure there. maybe all of those parts of him that are in me now are like little shrines i've built so that he can live on. our love of johnny cash, western movies, ford rangers, and straight-edge shaving. maybe i should start fishing more seriously, honestly i've thought about it often. i'd like to go fishing with a buddy. i just need a pole and some know-how, or my friend being the know-how could work too. i love him very much now, even though he is somewhat of a stranger to me. he loved my grandma, i can see that. i read one of their letters and was moved to tears. life is something incredible.

#blog #post #girlblogging #blogger #reblog #tumblog

[mojavepumpkin]

bro thinks it’s gonna be a normal day till i pull out my whimsical and fun-loving attitude.

[mojavepumpkin]

getting my balls microneedled to get rid of the wrinkles