mental-journaling-blog

[mental-journaling-blog]

“She was tired. Mentally and physically. She wanted to close her eyes and never open them again.”

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[mental-journaling-blog]

Make your dreams a priority. Make your mental health a priority. Make your relationships a priority. Make your happiness a priority. Make yourself a priority.

[mental-journaling-blog]

Journal #41

December 24, 2017. 12:13 am.

I haven’t posted on here for awhile. A lot has happened and I’ve been incredibly busy. However, I need a minute to just lay here and complain. I LOATHE the holidays, specifically Christmas. Every year shit hits the fan while attending family Christmas parties. I always joke and say “is it really Christmas if there isn’t any drama?” It makes my anxiety skyrocket. Plus, I’m almost always sick. I have to plan everything (gift shopping and wrapping, party attendances, food preparation) months beforehand because once the week of Christmas is here I give up on trying to complete any tasks whether small or large because the world tears itself apart around me. Anyway, I suppose I will try to go to sleep now. Merry Christmas Eve I guess.

Love,

The non-trademarked Grinch

#generalized anxiety disorder #stressed out #major depressive disorder #dissociation #insomnia

[mental-journaling-blog]

Hi! I just want to say.. I don't know if you believe in God or not (and my intention here is not to offend you). But God loves you. And I love you, too. And you deserve amazing things in life and I pray that you get them. I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. I know the future can be overwhelming, and terrifying at times, to think about. So just take it one day at a time. And definitely don't make any big decisions while you're emotional. Deep breaths. You'll get through this. God bless you, love!

I am definitely not a firm believer in God. However, your kind words filled my heart with love. I love you too. Thank you so much, Anon. I really needed your words of encouragement.

[mental-journaling-blog]

Journal#40

September 19, 2017. 11:49 pm.

I presented my mini lesson in Wyatt's class tonight. I was surprisingly in control of my anxiety, so it went rather smoothly.

Also, I had to say goodbye to an old friend today. Her name is Bessie and I've had her since high school. I've been crying for a few days. I don't know when I'll get over giving up my car.

I also found out I am required to attend Dillon's family pictures with his mom and brothers... Weird..

I'm having a very shitty week.

#mental illnesses #generalized anxiety disorder #major depressive disorder #goodbye friend #old car #be car

[mental-journaling-blog]

#repost #mood disorders #psa

[mental-journaling-blog]

Suicide Warning Signs

Withdrawal, agitation

Hopelessness, mood swings

Sleeplessness, burdensomeness

Rage, anger, loss of interest

Engaging in risky behaviour

Suicide Prevention Awareness

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Reason #974

I want to recover for the people who make me forget that times passing

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not killing myself is a personal achievement but you cant really brag about that at dinner parties

[mental-journaling-blog]

Journal #39

September 17, 2017. 11:51 pm. Reasons I am depressed and don't want to get out of bed: 1. My therapist leaves in 3 weeks. She's moving away. And I'm not mentally prepared to switch to another new therapist. 2. Brubaker is hiring a new special education associate and I would really love the job. However, do I really want the job? I have 100+ practicum hours to get done this school year, so how can I hold down a permanent full time job until May? Plus, I like being in charge of my own schedule. 3. I feel like I'm not moving in life. Everyone has a house, is engaged or getting married, having kids, etc. I still live with mom and dad, haven't graduated, and probably won't be moving out in the near future. D and I are actually selling the couch we bought because moving out basically isn't an option right now. 4. I'm already not doing well in school. We are halfway through Term 1 this week. What the hell is wrong with me? 5. My car is in the shop and I'm not sure if I am able to afford fixing it. 6. I don't feel close to my boyfriend. I feel like I'm nothing to him.

I could keep adding to this list. Unfortunately, writing a list about reasons I am depressed is making me feel more anxious, self-conscious, and depressed about my life...

[mental-journaling-blog]

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Journal #38

August 22, 2017. 4:55 pm. Well this has been a shitty week. I went to the dentist yesterday to bleach my front dead tooth. I was in pain all day and had an allergic reaction later that day AFTER the dentist closed. So this morning I woke up with a swollen lip. I had an emergency dentist appointment and they took out the bleach. I had to cancel the appointment I had scheduled with my advisor. The whole left side of my face is tender and swollen. I'm also on some strong pain medicine. Fml. On the plus side, the medicine makes me tired. I might be able to get some sleep.

#personal #journal #mental illnesses #major depressive disorder #generalized anxiety disorder #fml

[mental-journaling-blog]

Journal #37

August 21, 2017. 1:31 am. I went to the state fair with Dillon around 5:40 pm. We went to Pioneer Hall with his mom to watch the Sugar Creek Cloggers perform. It was weird and uncomfortable being a part of the audience and not the performers. D and I watched about 20 minutes of it until I started to get upset and wanted to leave. I felt unincluded, even though that's not a new emotion for me, it was still a bit of a shock to watch my family dance and seem perfectly fine without me in the group. There were also a lot of former cloggers in the audience that wanted to converse with me, which is very uncomfortable for someone like me. I also got upset because some of the cloggers are starting to know that I "quit," and I'm not the one that told them. It's hard to tell whether or not one of my family members lied and betrayed my trust, or if one of the cloggers "figured it out" and is spreading the rumor.

#journal #personal #major depressive disorder #generalized anxiety disorder #insomnia #mental illnesses #clogging

[mental-journaling-blog]

Shoutout to people who grew up with emotionally unsupportive parents and have to hear other people talk about how supportive their families are while you’re basically guiding yourself through life. You’re strong and brave.

[mental-journaling-blog]

To the Bone (2017) dir. Marti Noxon

#tothebone #Eating disorders #ED

[mental-journaling-blog]

Journal #36

August 20, 2017. 1:00 am. As I lay here bawling and restless, I start to think about my future occupation. I don't think I can become a teacher. I physically and psychologically can't. I will be attending college-level classes, taking tests, and dealing with adultier adults for the rest of my life. I can't do it. I tried talking to Dillon about it earlier and I just broke down in tears. I can't do it. I can't. What's worse dropping out of the education program a year before I graduate or telling my parents I want to drop out of the program? I just want to die...

#journal #personal #major depressive disorder #generalized anxiety disorder #insomnia #suicidal ideation