maxwellohwell

[maxwellohwell]

Somewhere my highest form of being is cuddled up on a couch watching the dramatics of my life unfold and praising itself for being such a strong storyteller

[maxwellohwell]

I want to scream. I want to rip out my teeth. I want to dream. I want to breathe.

[maxwellohwell]

My body is water and my bones are stones. I remember when the water was a deeper blue. Stones and shells collected on my bedside table. My body grows big slower then my peers, and my expectations are formed through wireless connections and cables. The world seems less vibrant now, like that saturation was something I outgrew. My body is water and my bones are stones.

[maxwellohwell]

It makes me so mad that I have absolutely no connection to my heritage. My family has been here for less then 100 years, and now I'm in this strange position where I have very very little culture. I know the culture of my immediate surroundings, but we have no hard set traditions that's really from either country. It's so sad that me & my siblings rlly have nothing to go off at all bc the people who were old enough for permanent memories are so embarrassed by being different that every unique thing we had is kinda lost. I mourn for my mother who clearly took his passing very hard since she was so young and now has very very little of him as a part of her.

I feel like I was robbed of a lot of language, art, traditions, food, ect. all for what? Being seen as more normal because I have a connection to nothing at all.

And its like, I had absolutely no clue of our family history. I know I was named after my great grandmother & we moved here from Europe for some reason. I felt so much resentment because I'm very clearly built for colder climates and yet we moved to one of the hottest places on earth. Like, hot weather makes me feel genuinely sick and I thought that they were out of their minds for deciding to move here permanently. But no, we had to move after world war 2 bc the country was in economic ruins basically. This was not their fault and now I feel bad for even hating them in the first place, & its like idk why my ancestors stories aren't being carried down. That shit sucks.

#idk #rant #public diary

[maxwellohwell]

I love working at a game store, but if I hear "R2D2 we wish you a merry christmas" one more time, I'm going to commit a cosmic crime

[maxwellohwell]

Just a lil ramble vent

No one warns you about how brutal the transition from sheltered teenager to functioning adult is. All I've ever wanted was freedom, I love it. I was born an observer, its just in my nature. I love existing with the environment around me. I love walking in the rain, watching houses and cars and trees and boats and signs out from the window of a bus or a train, my favourite colours are pink or sunshine yellow but I always cave for a spooky grey/blue/purple colour scheme, my favourite food has always been spaghetti bolognese or pancakes, and the only times I remember that I am not a disembodied voice is when I look at myself in the mirror and dont identify with the body that I am in because I see myself as more of a concept then a human being. I've always been the secondary character in the stories of the people around me who always had something going on. In those stories I was the love interest who was too busy staring out the window to notice anything around them, I was the creepy mean "goth" that was added into the series to say weird stuff for laughs and to spite the protagonists, I was the best friend with bad advice, I was the child who was never allowed to grow up bc that meant her mother was growing old. Freedom feels like the morning sun beaming onto your face through fluffy white clouds or a day full of peaceful rain, and for me the only time I feel the warm rays of hope and tranquility is when chasing it hasn't been beaten out of me with the worried words of my overly paranoid mother or the judgemental looks of the people who can read the script.

So over the past weeks I've been moving out. I turned 18 half a year ago and my life has been slowly sinking like a ship for a while now. My mother is getting evicted and so I finally get to jump ship. Not exactly the "running away to the sunny city without telling anybody, going to the gym dressed as barbie while drinking a strawberry mango smoothie and getting money for writing emails in an office cubical" escape plan, but falling in love (i think, I dont entirely know if I even know what romantic attraction feels like) despite the fact that I live for being entirely alone and moving in with him works ig. But I've found myself in this weird tug-a-war while Im stuck between the two places, where I feel the beginnings of the freedom I've been wanting while Im away but then I need to go back to roleplaying an 8 yr old to survive. My mental health decreases while Im in that environment where I cant make my own choices, but I re-enter the adult world every few days and I feel paralyzed by the fear that Im going to break an unspoken rule and get yelled at for existing without supervision. Becoming an adult is very much just learning that its okay to exist and then teaching urself all the stuff you know that you dont know that you should know but you weren't taught bc growing up is illegal.

My entire life so far has been me waiting for this moment and I feel like Im wasting it by having these cognitive behavioural issues even though developing those wasn't at all my fault. One of my most vivid memories from highschool was walking with the vice principal while I was on my way to class. We happened to be going in the same direction and she started talking about how much she missed being young and free and how I should "treasure my teenage years while I still have them", and I remember that so clearly because of how little sense it made to me. My teenage years had no walks in the rain because "what if your kidnapped", my teenage years had no car rides because we were poor, my teenage years had no train rides because I had no where to go, my teenage years had no pink because I had to be the scary mean "goth" girl because no one messes with you if ur scary enough, my teenage years had no pancakes or spaghetti because I wasnt allowed to use the stovetop. How am I supposed to appreciate that? As an adult, you are in control. You shouldn't take your eyes off the road while you're driving. In my adult life I am happy. Everyday I wake up at 6am-8am, make my bed and watch youtube while I eat my pancakes, brush my teeth, go walk on the beach if I feel up to it, then I either go to the job that I love bc I chose it or play video games, do some chores, then I watch youtube with my boyfriend until I fall asleep. I do not want to leave that.

[maxwellohwell]

Stardew Valley, void chickens