manifesting-mari

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 2/8/2023

I’m working on developing my trust for the bigger energies that hold this world together. To trust that i am part of this divine puzzle and i am safe and protected. The systems of oppression have programed us to believe that we are inherently unsafe. The systems that are in place perpetuate the survival and fear when they are fully capable of supporting the health and safety of all. I am no longer interested in adhering to that prediction of reality. I’m in the business of changing the way we allow ourselves to be treated. This is the healing. We no longer allow the systems to separate us. We no longer look at ourselves at separate. We are one whole

I am looking at that last paragraph through my own experience and also through the experience of the collective. We already are connected, and the 3D world makes us think we are separate. Because we are separate in this dimension. Its part of it. Its part of the experience we signed up for. 

I like what Val said on You Made It Weird. Something like “we are someone, some of the one. And we are awesome, some fo the awe.” the interconnectedness is something that i feel very easily and i definitely need to work on my boundaries on that. How do i protect my container? I need to do David’s class again. Maybe i’ll do that today.

Taking that walk with Jordan last night was really healing. Im grateful for the honesty i feel and I’m grateful for all the feelings that come up around them. The butterflies and the squirmy wormies. Last night i noticed the part of me that was judging him. And like, my judgment was that he was a weirdo, and i like weirdos, i am a weirdo, but then i felt a part fo me that thought “this isnt cool” or like “this isn't smooth” it was interesting, the more i felt into it, i could feel this ungroundedness that i look for in male partner. I look for that in male partners because i am not connected with my root. My sense of safety came from my father and i didnt realize how much i turned to men to feel safe. Its ok for me to express when i feel unsafe. And its ok for the people around me to feel unsafe and let me know. And we share how we feel, not to make it go away necessarily, although that is a symptom of this practice. Us expressing we’re both feeling unsafe allows us to support each other through our feelings of unsafety.

There is a song that came up on this playlist called “I Am Woman” and its really hitting me right now. Its on a root chakra playlist and the lyrics for this song are in red. I wonder what the weather is like today. I know later this week its gonna get close to 60. I might go to the beach on that day and sit out in the sun. When i think of my new job i get mixed emotions, mostly because i really enjoy and value having flexibility with my schedule. But this is only a necessary evil until the wedding work starts. 

Interesting how i use the word evil. I still have a long of negative feelings around work like this. Im wondering what that is. There is a whole lot of judgment around a typical 9-5 job or basically any job that is required to give 40 hours. 40 hours is a whole lot. Id rather work 20 hrs a week. 

I think today is the day to flesh out whatever thing i have in my head. Do a practice run of it and get it launched by March. Work it through in March. Record the classes, and then offer it as a grab and play for april. With “guidance hours”

I feel the part fo me that is scared to start this and that is saying that no one is interested. There are people who are interested. Manifesting Mari’s School for Wayward Adults. This is a school for adults who are in a transitional phase and looking to do something different than the system expects. 5 subjects. Reading, Writing, Science, Math, Arts/Music. 4 weeks. 2 offering times. I feel like im getting caught int he details and i need to get more specific on the person who would be a good fit for this class. I think this course is good for people who are working on self discovery

What was the thing i was trying to figure out. Oh. manifesting for disorganized attachment. The law of attraction is hard for me because there are so many different kinds of options that im open to that i cannot commit. The release and surrender had helped me a lot, but im still trying to integrate and process. 

Im feeling very disconnected. Schuyler’s class really helped. Maybe i need to listen to David’s classes too. I should also reach out to Naomi or Ezra. i just feel so weird. I wonder if i should talk to jordan about shame around body and vices. The shame is not actually mine, is it? Like i dont think im doing a bad thing or guilty of something. But i do feel that little bit of me thats like “I’m a bad person and i am a temptress, a seductress, a siren,and a succubus.” im not bad for smoking. Im not bad for being fat. Im not bad for not being attractive. I am not bad for accidentally hurting someone. I am not bad. I am a conduit for love, honesty, and authenticity. 

I want to get better at speaking my truth and being who i am. I am no longer trying to be someone different and trying to get to this wild point. Well i am. But i know my route will bring me home first. Bring me to myself. Bring me to the pure power of I Am that is the strongest power in this 3D world. You cant change someone who is sure of themselves. I used to be sure that i was a piece of shit. Now im sure im not. Now im sure that i am a loving, kind, and forgiving. I am forgiving with myself and with others to the best that i can. Sometimes being forgiving with myself and others can be a challenge, but i give myself grace and patience and allow myself ot heal on its own time. Healing is not my business. I am in the business of freedom, stability, exploration, and expansion. 

Ok. starting now i am living in the present which is a paradise of abundance. I am tuning into what i know is here. I am being present and tuning into the magick that is here. I  am tuning into th empower that is here. I am tuning into the love that exist and i amplify it. I am tuning into what the universe has and i amplify that which is authentic. I amplify that which i am able to. I am powerful and stronger than i think. I know i am powerful. I know i am strong. I know i am smart and capable. I am intelligent and witty. I am safe and protected. I am supported by the earth and i am supported by the divine. I am supported through love. I am a powerful human. I am a powerful medium. I am a sensitive psychic. I am a strong container and conduit for the divine. I am working for the greatest good for all and for the harm to none.

I am dedicated to connection. I am the heart. I am the bridge between the higher and lower. I am a goddess of this lower realm. I am a co creator with the divine and the universe. I am open and i am ready for my roles. I am brave and i am strong. I have all the tools i need. I give myself space and time. I have patience and trust. 

I am part of this positive change in this world. I am the change that i want to see in this world. I am embodying the practices. I am ready for the next step. 

Im gonna take LSD

#morning pages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 2/7/2023

Joe fromt he dispensary yesterday gave such great advice. If you want something, you just need to out the work in. thats true. It takes time. Im very impatient. Its like im already living in the fantasy, my mind is before my body and its activating ym nervous system. I can feel it and i like this feeling. Its wild. Its kinda making me horny. Is that what existential kink is talkoing about? I also realized i like being scared. It makes me horny. I like being uncomfortable and pushign myself and keeping myself in anxiety and chaos. Cjhaos makes me horny. Fuck im so horny rn. How can i send this energy down to my root. Let me spread this energy around my body and see who need sit. The muscles in my shoulders. I can feel myself sending the energy down to my sit bones and it bouncing up to my shoulders. What if i drop my evergy all the way down to my pelvic bone?

Rather than squeezing up i need to be pushing down, feeling the resistance of the 3d world to understand it better. Integrate myself with the 3d world. Im feeling hungry and craving. Theres a bit of the sacral in the reply tot he impulse of hunger. I want something that is tasty. That’ll hit a craving. Ohh i can make fried zucchini and pan fried rice. Im gonna take a break and do that now. I will take care of myself. I will mother myself. And then i will pleasure myself. And then i will come back and tell you what happened. 

Break

I dont value hard work. What do i value?

Ok i’m back! Lol so i made that little note. What do i value. I dont value hard work. Like, i like that my hard work is valued, but i dont personally value it. Like i see where in my programming it is valued. I see the parts of me that are screaming “if youre not sacrificing yourself then youre not worth paying” i dont enjoy having that a part of my life. But it is. So what would EK suggest. It would suggest that i indeed DO value hard work and that i enjoy the sadomasochism of suffering through a job in order to earn my money. I would much rather enjoy investing my time in my work that also helps me learn and grow into the next thing. 

I can feel the ways i tyr to make myself small becaus eid ont want responsibility i dont want to step into my power because im afraid ill get it wrong. And david’s advice for me has always been to just get it wrong. I am impatient. So i need to come up with smaller goals so i can more easily track myself and i need to document everything so i can track my progress and be in the present. My brain is hurting. Idk if its the food or the weed but i think i need to lay down or meditate for a bit. Another break

Break

Wow, what a nap, lol. I just got off the phone with Jordan and I’m grateful to be reminded of the wonderfully deep and spiritual convcersations we have. Oi admire their dedication to their growth just as my own. 

What really is coming up for me, and even after SChuyler’s meditation, is the over compensation of my gut and my sacral. I need more stabalization in my root. I need to feel like i’m taken care of. Maybe i’m having a hard time because i am avoiding fixing myself. I am avoiding healing these parts of myself that feel broken because i like being broken. I enjoy that narrative. I  like being loved but feeling like i dont deserve it. This si my disorganized attachment. I want you to be attracted to me and want me but i dont feel liek i deserve to be wanted or i dont feel that anyone should like it. Its like i get into these relationships with people to prove myself right and then also prove myself well, still right. It proves that someone thinks i’m attracteive and it gives me this validation. But then when i deny their presence, live, and care, then i prove myself right that i dont deserve love. Its fucked tbh lol. I like being this broken work in progress that is still loved even thorough the has loves and her hair is fucked up and she may be a little greasya nd sticky at the same time. 

Theres definitely a lot of root work to do. I wanna get that book “waking down” it sounds so interesting. I do feel like ive been living in my braina nd in my crown and fantasy and i wanna brign all that power down to my root too so i can support stronger growth. 

I really do like the person that i ma. I liek every part of me that makes me me. I am starting to realize that all these parts of me are valid. All these parts deserve to be here.a nd all the parts can work together. I like who i ma. I’m exciting im sexy, im honest, well, as honest as i can be. I am a liar. I am a truth teller. I am broken and i am healing. I am  expanding and getting deeper and deeper and deeper. I am a masterpiece and a work in progress. I am a timeless song that has different covers by different artists. I come in so manyu different versions and styles but the core of me is good. The core of me is loving. The core of me is the divine. 

I am starting to trust myself. Today i trust myself more than other days. I am thirsty. Im looking forward to working at the dispensary and having money to invest in healthy, yunmmy foods. I think i need some kind of structure around my food to remind myself of the goals ive been setting. I feel light headed right now and maybe that means i need water. Im gonna get some now. Brb. 

Ok, well i gotta get some water on the way home from hanging with Jordan. I’m sure i can put $10 of gas in my car and then but two more poland spring big waters.

This money insecurity is not cute. I think its just my general insecurity manifesting. I feel liek it all revolves around my job. I’d like a secure job that i know will provide me with a regular stream of income. 

I keep getting distracted. Idky. right now im thinking about kyds and looking for their next event. I really wanna connect with them. I aim to out my power where it is most productive and beneficial for the greatest good of all. I want to be able to bring the book to kyds and be like, i feel like i need to show you guys this and i want to be able to work with you to keep this book going. Its a meditation that means a lot from me and a book written nd created by people who mean a lot to me. 

I dont really know what my body is craving besides water. I think i’ll make those fried rice things for the crab meat. That seems liek a yummy dinner. I have about a half a page left. Im def gonna post this all messy liek this.

I was reading back on my old gratitude journal. I havent written in it in a long time. I always get high and then forget. I wont forget today, i’ll write in ti today. There are lots of things for me to be grateful for, i have so much anger stored in my body and i look forward to releasing it. 

Lets see,w hat else should i type about. Maybe i should reach out to diane about a mushroom ceremony? Ir maybe i should look into schuyler’s services? Or maybe i should just take the time to really turn inwards and see whats happening. I can identify whats happening lots of times but then i need support for processing all my nfeelings around it. A lot fo the feelings are grief for not having the opposite of what happened, and angr for what happened. I dont liek the word opposite, lets just say a more loving and positive outcome. So thewres still grief and angrer, and then shame of the things i did or the way i reacted to what happened. i am committed to creating more space for myself and take the time to decide what i want to do

I am really working to check in with myself and make sure im giving myself love, care, and compassion. I think im getting good at that. Today in the meditation schuyler was talking about a bigger Ma. a bigger mother than our mother who feels us a who got us. A bigger power that has us. I am grateful to feel whisps of that power. Thats inside me and inside everything. I am integrating the truth that i am cared for and loved. That everything is working out for the greatest good and my needs  are being met. 

I am still struggling with my sens eof safety and security. I still feel scared to tell people my truth and scared to be my fullest self. When i point out that fear it feels funny, and it feels like it had less power when its out in the light. It really is this shadow part fo ourselves, this shadow part of me that is working in the background. I think its time to clean out the apps in my psychological library and end the things that are still running in the background and expending my energy. I really do love me.

#morning pages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 2/3/2023

I’m realizing now the shame that i feel, basically everyday moving through my body. I feel shame basically all of my waking life, but i choose not to focus on it and just keep buying it down. Well i dont feel it every moment, but i do have a shame complex and a comparing complex. I realize the ways jealous is a big part of my experience with myself and with others. I feel jealously just like anyone else, but i’ve always denied it. Im happy that now i can express it and truthfully point out that its here. 

Being able to point out the feelings that are present in me has been such a big help in me discovering myself. All of those feelings are a part of me and being able to point them out allows them to be seen and enables me to create a relationship with the different parts of me.

I’m starting to separate the shame i feel from the groundedness i feel in my magick. When i live my life as if i am magic i feel stronger, more powerful. Like im finally taking my place in the cosmos. When I deny my magick i feel separate. Maybe my magick is just my connection with divinity. Which in turn is my connection with all things. It feel good to feel a part of this whole. Knowing that i am a small fragment of this bigger consciousness, but also an important part, or i wouldnt be here. 

I’ve felt so much shame about my body and the person that I am. Im still processing it all and also processing the physical abuse i’ve experienced. 

I got distracted by Leah who sent me a reel. I miss her. I miss sharing space with someone else. I liek having someone around, but i also like having my own space. Me and jordan were talking about living together at one point, and i just dont know about that. Thats seems like a lot of processing for me. It seems so lesbian to move in together so quickly, but theyve become a very important person in my life very quickly. I truly appreciate them and want to make sur eim not creating a situation out of loneliness and desperation. 

But that does bring up the shame around my body. When i feel body shame i kinda just dive deeper into my vices. 

Literally every time i start talking about my body i get distracted. Ugh. this is a hard spot for me. My body and my body issues. The worthiness that i feel around my body. I feel like im not worthy because im fat. I feel like im fat because im not a good person taking care of myself, and i feel shame for not taking care of myself. Ugh. what a cycle. Its all dug in so deeply. The shame is so deep to where even when im actively telling myself that i am always worth of love and there is nothing wrong with me i dont even believe it. 

I can see the ways where im still looking for validation from outside of me. I want that validation. Why cant i give that validation to myself. Or why is it that when i try to validate myself i dont believe it. I’m trying to be slow and compassionate with myself and allow myself to be loved by me bit by bit. I do feel the part pf me that thinks i need to get this done now. Like im running out of time. I’m actually in a really good spot. Im in a place where i know who i am, i know whats here, i’m open to discovering more, and im open to changing my views in order to support the whole. 

Shame isnt bad, its just here. Pain isnt bad its just here. Its all here. Every part of me deserves to be loved. Every part of me is here to be loved and to start working together. Im feeling the urge to smoke right now, im wondering what part of me is that. The part of me that doesnt wanna feel on this earth? The part of me that likes feeling ungrounded? Im not sure. I like that i live in discovery. 

Why are my morning pages so hard to write today? Maybe its because im a little out of practice. I remember reading in a little document about self care for creatives that the author didnt have consistency in her practice until about 4 years in. that makes me feel better because i like JUST started. I really do feel like a new life started for me every since i started going to Stop 43. Like, i wanna be able to do all the exciting things i’ve always wanted and live life with playfulness and joy. I want this all to be a game. So these morning pages are part of the points i can accumulate. I dont get point taken, only added. And maybe each month i can calculate how many points i just just to quantify. That makes sense. And then ill use my podcast to summarize the previous month. I should post that on monday. Ill record on sunday. 

I keep thinking about doing the OF and i know im thinking of it because im desperate for money, but also im working through a lot of body stuff now. Im thinking about the value judgements im putting on sex work. Its still the “its ok for other people but not for me” thing and i dont know why thats there. What is it that doesnt feel aligned? I know a lot of it is personal conditioning. A lot of it is from living this double life where sex and being sexual was prosecuted but then also celebrated. This is the problem i have. These different truths that live inside me. The truth hat feels better is the one that is not attached to shame. The one that is a healthy expression of my sexual side. I like when other people think i’m hot. I like when other people like me. I get off on that. What was the thing that i said to jordan the other day?

Once i was getting a massage by a male masseuse and i was moaning so much at one point he was like “ugh i love you”. And i wasnt turned on by him, but i was turned on by the fact that he was turned on by me.

I think the shame around my body and others bodies are just projections from what other people put on me. I actually transcend the body and am attracted to the energy. But lets not get it twisted, i do have two working eyes and am definitely attracted to peoples bodies. And for it it doesnt matter what gender they adhere to or not. A sexy person is a sexy person for me. That can be a combination of body and spirit. I think some people out here just have a sexy spirit. Like, yo, you got a spirit i wanna get myself intertwined with to create a cosmic connection that transcends time and space, you know?

I’ve been really horny these past few days. Like. i wanna get fucked, but not just by anyone. Im really gonna invest in a fuck machine. I just love getting fucked. But man, i really fo love getting fucked by the right person. Like, having them inside me and they knowing exactly what to hit. That makes shit amazing for me. I can feel them and i want them inside me right now. 

God im horny af lol. Maybe if i exercise and work out itll help me move that energy around. I do need to work out. I havent yet this week, which is alright. My body has been really sore an dim happy to give it the break it needs. Once im done with typing these pages i’ll work out and then eat breakfast. Im prolly gonna smoke before i workout just so i can relax into my stretches. My body feels much looser since Jordan gave me that massage. Shit that was so fucking hot. I love the parameters and not being able to turn around and kiss him. That was hot. Ugh. theres this sexual tension that i feel when i think about them. Fuck man. I was thinking about Mira the other night and totally getting off. Fuck i am so lucky they like and and also so lucky they like to fuck me. 

Damn. im craving pizza rn. But i have all those eggplant slices i fried up. Those were really good. Im grateful to have so much yummy food in my fridge and i need to make sure i eat them. I keep consuming and having things in my fridge that im not eating. And i know when jordan comes we will end up ordering more food lol. I wonder what the food and the sex and the drugs are helping to fill. Comfort? Probably. Ive always delt with feeling uncomfortable in my skin. Thats been changing as i choose to be in space where i can be vulnerable. I love spaces where i can just drop my guard and relax. Im grateful for trusting and safe space.

Fuck man, i cant wait for spring to hit, i’ll be at the beach the MOMENT it hits 70 degrees. It looks like thats in May. I’m excited for the summer. Summer always hits for me. I cant wait for the wedding work, and the beach, and the explorations i’ll get to do on the outsides in nature. Im grateful for the exciting life i have and i know itll keep getting better. I’m excited to learn and grow more. Ok. time to smoke and work out!

#morning pages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/31/2023

I woke up with Jordan’s song “see spirit she” playing in my head and now i can’t get it out. There’s something about Jordan’s journey through their queerness that kind of inspires me to look at my own. Theres so much that they see in me thats hard to see in myself. Like the feminine side and the grounded sacral side. I think i need more root chakra work. Which makes sense. I feel very ungrounded, but also at teh time i feel grounded. Maybe ungrounded isnt it. Because i do feel like im in my body more so than ever. Maybe it the security. I do feel insecure. Is that root or sacral? Or maybe somewhere in between. I dont know. I’ve been holding this insecurity for a while. And have been aware of it for about a year. The insecurity i can hold. But when it brings it out in other people its hard for me to hold that. I still need to grieve the insecure parts of me. The parts of me that felt like it didnt deserve anyone in her corner, who felt like she wasn’t enough no matter how hard she tried. That not enoughness is still so loud.

I feel it in my relationship with my mom, and my relationship with greg. I feel very insecure to be myself. I feel my lack as a stamp across my forehead that defines every step i take, and every step is walking of eggshells. Liek the moment i choose my own path i’ll make everything fall apart. I thinkt hats the magic of plant medicine, knowing that living life with all the gfear and insecurity wont kill me. Knowing that i can get through anything. Fuck, if i could get through those really hard trips, ic an get through this. I can thrive from this.

I’m learning on accepting that this is my relationship with my mom. I cant change that. But the acceptance involves grieving the parts of me that wishes she had a mom who could show up emotionally. I never wanna do to my child what my mom did to me, even if she was trying her best. I know that the things that hurt me or trigger me with my mom are things that i have to learn to hold in myself. I am still so ashamed of the way i treated my money. And i am so ashamed of my existence. Im working on just being in that shame and accepting it and loving in. Ezra said he saw a wound,a nd the knife was pulled out, maybe going into the gash is the shame and despair i feel from being separated from divinity, and going inside and putting love in there is where i need to start, actually, just typing that makes me feel good.

Im trying to wrap my head around my narratives with money. I am still uncomfortable having it. And i sincerely believe that if i give it was some back to me tenfold. I am choosing to use my money to take care of my container and myself. My priority is my home. My priority is my body, my priority is making sure my container is healthy. Part of me feels like i am unable to hold space if my container is not perfect, and i know thats not the case. Im grateful for the people who have come into my life and showed me how i deserve to be loved and treated. For my friends (mostly jordan tbh) who come to my broken home and still find love.

Its time for me to truly put love into my broken home. To truly take care of the things i have. I never learned how to truly value and take care of my things. I never really had nice things to take care of. I deserve to have nice things and i can feel the part of me that feels ashamed to have nice things. Having things isnt shameful. That shame wa snot mine and belongs to someone else. Im not sure how much shame that i have thats actually mine. I know i have some because i do feel bad of the way i’ve treated others wrongly in the past and the way i acted out of a hurt place and hurt others. The shame around my body isnt mine. I truly love my body and what to make it strong and healthy. I am proud to invest in my body and proud to have it. The shame around my bank account isnt mine. I am grateful for the streams of income that i have. I am proud of the jobs that i work and i am proud of the amount of money i make. I feel shame around spending. I no longer want to spend, i want to invest. Every dolar that leave my hand is an investment into something. Every action that i take is an investment in something, and my priority is investing in myself. Investing in my freedom exploration and expansion. Investing in my security and safety. 

I dont spend my money, i invest. I invest in joy. I invest in others. I invest in love and happiness. I invest in healing and growth. I invest in myself. I invest in the future me that has these amazing dreams that can easily be a reality. I invest in the past me that is learning how to love myself. I invest in my present day. Investing can only happen in the present. It is a present choice that will yield a future fortune. I invest my time in me. I invest my money in me. I invest my love in me. I’m betting it all on me. I bet $10,000 on me knowing i’ll get $100,000. That ten thousand dollars was an investment. Gone in 2 months. But thats ok, its showed me so much and i am so grateful for that loss. I am still grieving and dealing with other emotions around it, but gratefulness is there. I am grateful that spending all that money showed me what im capable of and showed me the changes i need to make in my energy flow. Money is energy. And I put my money toward my future. Investing in myself. 

I choose not to involve my mom in my finances anymore. I need to set up that boundary because it does not feel safe for me to have that kind of relationship with my mom. I realize the ways where i keep turning to my mom to take care of me, because i want her to take care of me, but what i really want for her is to care about my feelings, not my money. And i understand that the way she shows love is through material items and money. But im still hurt and angry that i didnt get the love that i truly needed. I need to be seen and heard and loved and respected for exactly who I am and my mom is not the place for me to gain that kind of validation for myself. 

This is scary, the letting go. The choosing to be different and investing in myself. The trusting myself and the universe. I am slowly trusting myself, while also recognizing the parts of me that are expecting for me to fail. Failure is not the end of the road, it is the end of a chapter and a beginning of a new one. Failure is this wonderful opportunity to feel all the feelings that you werent feeling before. To integrate them into the experience and learn how to work with them. Failure is a trickster. You think your in ruin, when really it just gave you a void to fill and build more into. I think about my teaching job and how numb i felt. How disconnect and disassociated i was. It felt so good to leave that job. It felt so good for it to end. But i also notice the part of me that takes things ot the extreme before there needs to be a change. Its the same energy of how my parents werent sensitive to my feelings and only changed when some big emotional reaction happened. We repressed and disassociated until it exploded and even then the change wast a collaborative effort, it was more walking on egg shells. Im done doing that. We dont do that anymore. We dont walk on egg shells. We walk confidently and we embody groundedness. We are now sensitive to our need. We listen to our intuition and take a pause when we feel something is off. We take time to observe and truly feel into what is the best decision. 

I will no longer do what i think is right, i will do what i feel is right. I trust my body, i trust the collaborative effort between my body mind and spirit. I trust my soul and i trust my connection with divinity. I trust that everything always happens for the good, i trust that good things will always happen and i trust that i can always get through the difficult challenges. 

I am investing in me. I am investing my time in me. I am investing my money in me. I am investing my energy in me. If i need support i will ask for it and if shame comes up i will hold that shame with love and compassion. I will show myself how its not scary, i will show myself that even when we get hurt, we will love ourselves and treat ourselves well. 

I am proud that i am vulnerable. I am proud that i am sensitive. I am proud that i choose to live my life the way i do. I always say that to people “I love everything you do and choose to be”. I really do love the choices i make because i know i’m a good person who is trying her best to add more love into this world. I know i have a kind and loving soul and i want to love myself and others to the best of my ability. I see the ways where i exhaust myself and we are no longer exhausting. We are living a sustainable life. We will sustain and thrive. When i rest i bring in energy to heal my body and make myself stronger so when i am away i can do magick. I am magick. I need to truly believe that now. That is my need. My magic needs to be seen and expressed. And i know that its so fucking cool when i do it.

#morning pages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/29/2023

I am feeling really grateful this morning. Yesterday it got kinda dark but im happy i was able to feel those feelings in a safe space. Right now i’m listening to a frankenstein-song that Jordan’s Song teacher made from one of their projects. Im really grateful to be in thighs creative space. Im grateful to be in this space with them. I feel so creative and so motivated to create. Its like i forgot this person and jordan is reintroducing me to myself. We were talking about being able to see our own light, and i’m grateful to meet jordan because so much of our experience together has been a mirror for me. Well. every experience i have with everyone is a mirror of some sort, but with jordan there are just so many synchronicities its just really hard to ignore. I sometimes have to remind myself that the synchronicities do not mean we would have a great relationship if we were together. But i think that the way we are open to learning about ourselves and open to working on our shit is what makes a great relationship. Also our willingness to communicate honestly.

As im getting into a new relationship i am now becoming more aware of my boundaries, or the lack there of. Or even when there is a boundary in a place that no longer needs to be there. I can feel the boundaries that i had up starting to soften. As the boundaries soften it allows me to experience the pain so much more. The boundaries i had up were to prevent pain, but now that my boundary has softened i am able to feel the pain so much more. I think because i softened the boundary with my mom it hurt me a lot when she didnt believe in my. It hit a chord in me that felt true. I feel like i cant make money or that i dont deserve to. There is still something in me that says i dont deserve nice things so i dont allow myself to have the money for nice things. 

I’m still working on this money stuff. Still trying to figure out what i learned, still integrating. I think there is still more of the ballet experience that im unpacking. I discovered yesterday that i feel very unsafe accepting money from my mom. Maybe i need to just stop depending on her. It feels like if i create this boundary its me running away. But i know i need time to process what happened. Im very hurt. I wish my mom could just listen and let me process. I guess i still have to accept that my mom is just not where i’m at and i’m better off telling her half truths. I dont owe my mom the whole truth, but i feel so inauthentic when i dont. I feel the scared part of me still walking on eggshells with her. 

I hate that feeling of walking on eggshells. That codependent feeling. If i want to end codependent relationships then i need to stop being codependent with people. What is my relationship with my mom? Thats what im really trying to unravel. I feel like clancey caught in the soul bird’s string in the Midnight Gospel. There are so many narratives that i need to unravel. I wonder what would happen if i just approached my mom as another human person in this world. She is my mom, but even the word mom had narratives wrapped around what is expected in the relationship. Maybe i need to stop trying to make a better relationship with my mom and just accept where its at. Maybe i need to be hopeless, not hopeless of change for the future, but hopeless for changing the wat things are right now. Right now i am still hurt and so is my mom. And as much as i can hold space for the pain my mom has experienced, there is pain that i have attached to past experiences with her that i need to hold and tend to, because she is unable to, im really tired when people are like “you know your mom is just not equipped and blah blah” and all that. Like im still fucking pissed off. Im angry. Sure, i know all that, but im still fucking angry. This was a feeling that came up with Kate during the nourishment retreat. I logiced my way to a reasonable reason to why the adults in my life couldnt show up, but that did not address the anger i felt when the adult did not show up for me. 

Feeling this anger is an interesting experience, especially with this spooky music playing. Im so angry. I am angry. There no narrative except the feeling of anger. I wonder if i just feel the sensation. I cant feel it now. Its like the sensation on my come sup when i speak the narrative i wonder if thats what spells are. You say words and feel them in your body and that creates an energetic output that attracts things to you. The anger that I was feeling has now morphed. Angry doesnt usually stay long, it quickly goes to sadness and pain and hurt. 

Its interesting coming into my body and experiencing sensations and seeing what kind of narratives i have attached to them and what feelings come up.

Passive aggressive. I can see the times where i am like that. And the habit of wanting other people to feel my feelings. I need to ask people for their consent if they have space to hold what i’m going through. I feel like ive been better at that. I can recognize the growth i’ve made and im really proud of myself. Im still sad and grieving for the little me that didnt have parents to hold her so well. I need time to process and grieve and for some reason the people around me want to push things. I get it, that what i was like in order to gain control. Thats how my mom gains control, by shaming, guilting, and pushing. Thats how i gain control. We can choose to be different. I can choose to be different. My first step is to accept and be hopeless. Accept that i project my shame in order to gain control. In order for me not to identify it. Wow. by brain and body are very clever to try not to feel the pain of shame.

Honestly, let me shower in that shame. Let me dance in it. Let me rub it all over my body and drag it across my face like war paint. I want to be able to wear my shame and move through this world bearing it like the cross. The shame i felt growing up in the church and in a religious house hold. The shame i felt for wanting to be myself. The shame i felt for believing in magic, and ghosts, and spirits. The shame i felt for feeling my feelings. The shame i felt for touching myself. So mcuh shame. Shame for tending to myself. Shame for getting what iw anted. Shame for spending money. Lots of this shame isnt mine. I dont even know what shame is mine. 

Let me look at the shame around money. The higher me doesnt feel shame for spending money or making large amount of money or even having money. But there is a part of me that does. A part of me thats afraid of it all. A part of me that is still attaching its worth with money. Worth and money was attached growing up in the 90’s. And in my household. We were taught that you were more worthy or better if you had more money and if you were good with money. But “good with money” is subjective. The “good with money” created this disorganized attachment with money. Money was a thing we wanted, but then it would be so bad to spend it. I understand that i need to invest in my home and in my self if i want more money to come back to me ten fold.I understand this because i am not attached to money. I have no attachment to money, because i have no attachment to money i am not desperate for it so it does not cause suffering in my life. But now it is. Its like this past year i’ve experienced all forms of this disorganized attachment and i can see the ways where this still feels disorganized. I think i need to bring this into my body. But i'm not feeling it right now. May i be more aware the next time i feel activated and bring it into my body. 

Yesterday i felt the pang in my chest and immediately hung up. And the my brain went on this wild ride into the pit of despair. I wonder what my body does when im in that pit. I'd like to be aware. There's something but my wearing the shame like a badge of honor that feel kinda good. Like i wanna be able to walk around with the shame and say “Yes, i have it, yes it bothers me, but not so much as it used to. This feeling will only have as much power as i give it. But it will do what it wants to do and i get to observe until i find a healthy relationship with it.

I’m happy to be building these relationships with these different parts of myself. I wanna be able to hold my shame and unworthiness with love and strength. I see the ways where ive tried to rid myself of the shame and rid the things in other people that triggered my shame. I wanna hold my shame’s hand and show her life and say “you see. Its not that bad.” maybe my shame is my 5 year old. Ohhhhh i felt bad for wanting to be a ballerina and i felt bad that my parents didnt have enough money and i felt ashamed that i had expensive tastes. I felt ashamed to be my messy self. I shamed myself for being messy too. I wonder if ive just identified with that shame and its been my base line. I havent been feeling it so its been stuck. Its hasnt moved out of me. Its ok to feel shame and its ok to not feel shame. Both states are accept here and every part of me is welcomed.

#morning pages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/26/2023

After my morning meditation and prayers I do some reading from different books. Just like a section or a paragraph or an entry depending on the book. One book that is part of my morning routine is my friend David’s book ‘Healing Heals the Healer Too’. with that book i randomly open up to a page and read whatever passage is there. For the past few times ive been doing this exercise with this book the same passage come up. Its a passage about  an Aya experience he had. The way he describes his experience reminds me of an experience i’ve had while on San Pedro. The feeling of having to choose between you Mother’s happiness and your own and then feeling split. And then the experience of feeling the different iterations of yourself coming into your body and then you mourning for the past yous that experienced the sadness and pain. And also the experience of feeling the part of you thats just behind you coming into your body. 

When I was a baby I died. The night I was born i flat lined due to a valve that was not closing properly. I had to get an emergency operation that saved my life. During my San Pedro experience i saw myself as a baby, no longer breathing. And then i saw my mother standing over me screaming and crying. I felt so bad that I decided to go back into my body. And that cycle has manifested itself over an dover again in my life. Living 2 lives. One where i am expressing myself in secret, and another when i am showing up for my mom the way shse wants me to. Because of the life experiences i had, i eventually rebelled ( as teens and 20 year olds naturally do) and I started living the life that my mom taught me was “bad”. There was some level of perspective that I had that I felt my mother didnt. She viewed her life in fear. I was numb to that fear. Whenever i would feel it i would use it to fuel whatever crazy decision I was about to do. Part fo me thinks i feel like i deserved to be afraid because i was doing something that “wasnt allowed” (drugs or sex or rock and roll). Now i’m trying to integrate those parts of me into a whole person and decide whats really me and what was a over exaggeration of what i truly wanted which was freedom and autonomy. 

Now more so than ever i can easily jump into the past versions of myself and feel that energy. I was experiencing that the other day when jordan was over. I was talking about past friendships and there was a certain attitude that was coming out, it was this back that i felt, that would keep me protected from people hurting me. A more aggressive attitude that had stank and sass. It was a part of me that I kind of looked up to and enjoyed, but i could see the part of that ego that was punitive and unforgiving. I’d liek to get to know those parts of me better. I can also see the pattern of friendships that eventually went south. I think it was my own hurt and judgements that prevented me from being truly openhearted, which i forgive myself for. I forgive myself for not being able to hold space in my heart for people who hurt me. Its a hard thing to do and no one is requiring me to do that. I want to be able to hold space for those who have hurt me but i know i must allow myself to do my own individual healing. I cant force forgiveness if im not ready for it, even with myself. 

I can see and feel the past versions of myself that still feel shame, regret and guilt and they are much softer than they used to be. They have relaxed more and they can feel the love and compassion thats there for them. And being able to hold space for those feelings in myself helps me hold space for that feeling in others. “Forgiveness is tricky” Trudy says in the midnight gospel, and it is. Its hard to forgive someone for the pain they inflicted on your when youre still healing from it. Its hard to forgive yourself from the pain you inflicted on someone else when youre still feeling it. Hurt people hurt people they say. I know i hurt other because it is the perpetuation of that pain. It is projection most for me personally. Its pain that i do not choose to feel so i transfer it onto someone else. 

I think thats the process i’m, in now. I keep thinking of what Jordan tells me “theyre your feelings and your allowed ot have them” I appreciate that because for the longest time I’ve denied my feelings and am just now starting to allow my feelings to be mine. But they are mine, not anyone else’s feelings, and i see the ways where i want other people to feel what i feel because i can very easily feel what others feel. And then i get angry when others dont feel what i feel. David said my blind spot if that i cant empathize with those who dont empathize and i definitely feel that very clearly. I very much value my friendships with other people who are more experienced and practiced in their empathy. I value those friendships because i value that quality within myself. When people are unable to feel what i feel or just even recognize that im having a different experience from them i get upset. I also can admit that i get upset when other people dont feel what i feel. I can see how thats a side effect from growing up with my parents. My dad screaming at my mom “you have no idea how i even feel” and they didn’t. They did not empathize and try to understand one another. 

I want to be able to be in relationship with people where i have my feelings and i dont expect or get resentful when other peopl cant hold my feelings the way i do. And if i need help holding feelings i and grateful that i have people in my life who can help me hold my feelings and can meet me where i’m at. I know i get upset becaus ei’m still upset with myself for the ways i’ve denied my own feelings and my own experiences and im giving myself more compassion for that. I understand that i was so much in my shit that showing up for someone else was not an option. I had to show up for myself first and also as for help in order to process what i’m going through. Its like when you have a broken leg, it would be difficult for you to off to take care of someone else’s kid. Allow your leg to heal, get the help you need, and when youre better you can help others. 

I am someone who enjoys showing up for others. I see the ways where i get validation from that. Last night i was thinking of the ways where i do enjoy fear and pain. Or was i thinking fo that this morning. Well i was thinking of it at some point. I was thinking of how i kind of liked the fear and the excitement and how i need to find healthy outlets for that. 

I have a consensual non-consent fantasy where my partner get angry with me and then pushes me around and spanks me and hold me and and throws me around and has rough sex with me. I want to play that out. I dont know why.  Theres something about being choked thats scary for me and thats the hot part. Liek i want someone to choke me with confidence. I can tell when someone is choking me and theyre afraid to hurt me. Damn. i think i need to dive back into the lifestyle because i can tell these are these weird subconscious parts of me that want to be played out. Like the whole victim and oppressor shit. I didnt realize the ways i was playing that out subconsciously. 

I’m happy that im so much more aware now than i ever was before. I am very aware of the pain that i keep stored inside me. Not how much pain, just knowing that i hold onto it. That i enjoy it. I think its stored in my sacral. The pain of belonging. And i got hit when i was a kid because i was doing something that wasnt conforming. I had to conform and in order for me to conform my parents hit me. My parents put fear and pain inside my body so i knew that feeling pain and fear meant that i was doing something wrong. That i was bad. All of that morphed into this weird thing where i still craved that fear and wanting to be bad, so i would act out certain scenarios in my life to instill that fear and that “bad” feeling, usually instrumentalizing someone else. 

I dont wanna play with people anymore and i dont wanna play myself. I want to be honest and aware of whats happening. I wanna understand what part of me wants to be played out in these scenarios and what its trying to relieve. I’m a big fan of playing out your feelings, allowing them to be expressed in a healthy way. Im very grateful to bein situations where i can now openly speak about my feelings and also ask for space and ask for the support i need. I didnt feel like i had that in my 20’s and the bdsm world served as an introduction to speaking your truth. I didnt get it totally perfect because i was still not in communication with myself. I was still denying the pain i was experiencing and using sex as an outlet. 

I’ve always thought there was some kind of kinky sex demon with me. That would use me to release and express. Maybe thats the demon that scratched me when i was younger part of me wants to dig deeper and talk to him, but part of me is scared. IDk what i’m scared of. Idk if i’m scared of seeing a demon and talking to it. Or if im scared that there is no demon at all and the darkness is really just me.

#morning pages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

*having a convo with my dad last night*

Dad: Isn’t the oboe just like a… like a wistful flute

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/24/2023

This morning for my meditation i listened to Mantra Loops Vol. 1 and tried to lock into the energy of the different songs. I could feel the healing energy of the music and the higher vibes of the messages, but i also felt the heavier feelings. The holding on to cycles and the pain. Holding on to victimhood. I remember at one of David’s talks he said that the trauma releases you in its own time. And i always wondered why people say “release your pain” when the pain releases on its own. Its a relationship. Its both. If youre still holding onto the pain. Even if its done with its cycle youll still be perpetuating it. And if you choose to let go, when its ready to release it will. 

I also noticed the ways I still associate my value and worth with how much money I have or the kind of job I have. I can see and feel the value judgements still cycling. I can hear my parents voices and Greg’s voice in my head. Even my own voice. Where did i get this idea of “better” and “worse”? Why do I still have these judgements playing out inside of me? 

Since the age of 25 i’ve been on a mission to learn how to love myself and its lead me to where i’m at right now. Im my house, on my couch, in the beginning of a work day. I can feel the value judgements around that. Im trying to go back to that time when i decided that i should really start loving myself. I remember kevin had just told me that he had feelings for another person, and i told him to choose her because i was broken. And the next day i was at the gym and i remember thurga texting me that what i needed to do was start loving myself. I had no idea even how to start doing that. What did loving myself look like? Feel like?

At that moment i decided to start treating myself the way I treat my friends. To start talking to myself better. To start being more forgiving. To start rooting for myself and standing up for myself the way i did for my friends. I’d say that was step one. Acting as if. Thats part of the manifestation techniques. Acting as if you already are. But acting and believing are two different things. As some who could disassociate and still function, i could act out all these things, act confident, act like i dont care, act lovingly, but not truly believe those things. Because i wanted to make the authority figures in my life happy, i got really got at observing what a “good person” did and how their actions were received. I got really good at “acting as if” when i was a kid. Acting as if i wasnt sad. Acting as if i wasnt angry. Acting as if i wasn’t a horny kid. I got really good at being a “good girl” that I actually wa sone. I do enjoy making people feel loved and comfortable as themselves and making them feel happy and cared for. But i had a really hard time turning that light onto myself in a sincere and authentic way.

The uber confidence and aggression I had in my late teens and early 20’s came from this want and need to be bigger but then the frustration of still not being fully received. I understand now that the frustration ive felt and still feel now is because i am unable to hold space for myself to be fully received in an authentic way. I hate being fake with people, but i have to admit that when i was younger i would lie. I would obviously lie to authority figures so i wouldnt get in trouble and i would  hyperbolize or punch up stories to make myself more interesting. In my childhood and my teen years I wanted to be “good” and “better than”. In College i wanted to shock and awe. I wanted to be the fullest expression of whoever i thought i was and say “i dont care what people think of me”. When really i did. I cared a lot if people liked me but i would deny it and become cold. I see the ways where I was so mean to people when that was just projected frustration. I was frustrated because i felt as if i wasn’t being seen by others, when I wasn;t fully seeing myself. 

My late 20’s i used other people in order to be loved. I remember when Kevin said he actually wanted to date me, I was disconnected from my body. I dont know what I was actually feeling, but i did feel activated in some way. Here someone saying the want to be with me when i didn’t even wanna be with me. Heres someone who wanted to try loving me and i wanted to try being loved. I didn’t do it well. I really did love that man. I cared for him and wanted him to be happy. Thats why i ended things. He would have stayed in a relationship where he wasn;t valued. Im sad to say that i didnt value him the way he deserved. Because i didnt even value myself. He saw this whole world and a future in me, and i didnt see it in him. I saw my life playing out and he was just playing a role. I really didnt feel like home with him. I see the ways where he really cared for me. And i understand why. I gave him the basic love and care he deserved when no one else was. And when i was no longer in his life he realized that i was the only one he could get it from. The thing is, i was releasing my dependency on others and thats how that relationship ended. I didnt need him, but he needed me. 

My relationship with Kevin taught me that i am a person deserving of love, even if i get it wrong sometimes. That I am someone who is loving and caring and worthy of having a partner. My heart still breaks for the ways i hurt kevin and the pain i inflicted on him. I was not in a good spot and I am sad that it ended teh way it did. But i was happy at one point. I had everything i wanted. But i wasn’t fully happy. There was still this emptiness that I was trying to fill. I could not see myself being monogamous with Kevin and i can now feel and see the ways that he only opened up the relationship because he needed me to be in his life. He probably felt as if he needed to mold himself into my life and my lifestyle and he was happy to do it. I was not happy with him doing it. I was not happy. Im still sad it ended, but i know that it was the right and bets decision. 

Looking back on my relationship with greg, im happy that he ended it. Im happy he saw what i couldnt. He truly loved me more than i loved myself. And i loved him more than i loved myself. I knew that. I knew I was lacking self love and needed to really focus on loving myself. But unfortunately my shit was triggering his shit and we were unable to walk those paths together. We were unable to hold space and integrate each others experiences. Or maybe we did and it ended up that it was too uncomfortable, too much work, i dont know. Looking back now, almost one year since he ended things, i can see how the ending fo that relationship sparked a really deep dive into my relationship with myself. Its just so much easier to love myself in community than by myself.  Maybe happy it ended isnt the word. Or Maybe it is. I think glad and grateful are better words. Because im still sad about it. 11 months later im still sad hes not in my life. My heart still breaks over it. Even with people in my life who are more aligned and who are more present for my experience, I’m still sad he’s no longer in my life. Thats a loss that im still struggling with on top of the loss of my father. 

I dont like loss. I dont like losing things. And i guess thats something I have to get used to in this ever changing world. Maybe i dont have to like it. Maybe i can just accept this is a part of life and accept that these are the feelings that come with it. 

Now i can say that I truly love myself so much more than ever. Its not more acting as if. I can truly feel the move within myself and i thank the spirit of Aya for that gift of knowing. Like, i look at myself the way someone would look at their little sister. I look at my mistakes and fumbles the way someone would look at a toddler trying to walk. I look at my future self the way youd be inspired by an older cousin or role model. Future me inspires me. And even current me inspires me. I look at myself now and when the self deprecating stuff comes up, i give it love. I love the immaturity and allow it to be what it wants to be, knowing that i judgements and criticisms hold as much weight as i allow them to on any given day. I see myself trying really hard to be compassionate with every part of me. The ways i try to stick to my practice, i am trying, sometimes i feel like im trying really hard. But other times i can see the ease come in. i can allow myself to relax and welcome any feelings, joy, excitement, worry, fear, anger, horniness. Theyre all welcomed because they are all a part of me. I no longer have to act like a version of myself. I just get to be me and just being me is someone who is worth loving and someone who is loved. I am loved and valued and worthy by being exactly who i am.

#morning pages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/21/2023

I wonder if there’s something about me posting my morning pages on tumblr that makes me think that i need to kind of edit myself or like “perform”. I like performing. Not all the time. Btu i do enjoy it because i’m good at it. I was always good at performing and doing what i was told. I’m very good at taking direction and my intuition and my empathy make me a great actor, i think. But i kind of never really stopped performing even when i wasnt in front of people. Or i tried to find people to perform in front of. I still do that today. Thats why i’m a fucking comic lol. I want to perform. I want to be laughed at and laughed with. I want ot make people laugh and i want to laugh at myself and laugh at life. Laughter is so healing. I laughed os much last night it was so much fun. I can’t believe jordan pointed out my typing lol. Im typing now and hes next to me and im so insecure about it lmfao. Well, i feel the insecurity but i;m not gonna let that stop me from doing what i want to do. Jaust cause i’m not mavis fucking beacon. 

It did make me think though. In middle school and high school when we took computer class i didn’t care about the home row keys or i didnt care to practice proper technique. Its definitely not too late to learn. But now i’m getting this feeling like just because i dont type well or fast that means that i shouldnt be a writer or i shouldnt write out what i want to say. Ugh. i feel so insecure. Ok. let me see if i can use EK as a practice on this. I enjoy the sensation of “insecure” in my body. When i am outside of my body i can laugh. When i am outside of myself i can laugh. Inside i feel self conscious and insecure. I wonder if i can be inside my body, feel insecure, and still laugh with adoration and love, the way a parent would chuckle at their toddler. I would say “aw honey, you are a writer. Being a good story teller and being a good typer are two different things. You dont need to be a good story teller to be a good typo and vice versa. But if you want you can be both.” 14 year old me doesnt care if i’m a good typer. I dont think any part of me cares that i’m a good typer. 

I see the ways where i still make fun of the younger versions of myself. Where i am annoyed. I want to transmute that annoyance to love. I wonder where the annoyance comes from. I think it comes from this part of me that wants control. That thinks i need to conform for safety or to be liked. Yeah. its the part of me that wants to be liked and validated by others. It doesnt want me to have feelings because feeling are annoying. Feelings made my parents feel uncomfortable. Im still attracting that because i am still annoyed by other peoples reactions. I’m so fixated on peoples reactions. I wonder what that is. Its definitely a learned thing form my parents. Gauging their reactions in order to make them happy. Learning how to act based on how they were acting. Then doing that with my friends in high school. And even in college. I’m constantly gauging people’s reactions and body language. They dont even have to give me words of affirmation. Just their reaction is enough for me.

I remember at one retreat i caught myself staring at David’s face. Not before he caught me first though. I felt so flustered and embarrassed and i still wonder why i was starting at him. Ugh. theres something in my heart thats like an electric jolt. I think i try to gauge the reactions of people i like so i can repeat whatever i did to get a good reaction out fo them. Fuck that manipulative. I wanna do that on stage. Thats the kind of vulnerability i need to bring on stage. Open up my power to read and gauge and know what to say and what will work. I write my own jokes now. Usually my jokes i get from other people, but now i can write my own. Set ups and punch lines that get bigger and bigger with waves. Look up the step to an effective sale. The energy moving should be like a chart. With the middle line being stasis an peace. Tension and release. 

What is the line between tension and release. The orgasm? Orgasmic point? Opening point? I’ll figure it out. 

Release

_______critical point__________

Tension

I feel these cramps going from the front of my reproductive system to the anus. This feels like my sacral being activated for some reason. I’m releasing something maybe. I feel something moving. Maybe i need to poop. 

Ugh, even with that fancy diagram i made i still have a page and a half more to write. Blahhh. I dont know what else to type about. What am i feeling? Im feeling excited and i’m feeling maybe a bit gassy and hungry. Im feeling excited about all this stuff. I’m looking forward to work at the dispensary now so i can have some money to fund these projects. I’m excited for this project and i know its gonna be so much fun to build this with my friends. 

Ok. i think i need to rrst and calm down now. There was a whole lot fo good, and we can have more good, i just feel myself getting to that havingness level again and i feel like touching on that feeling will make me spiral to the other side. I’m happy i got to talk about my feelings last night. Wow, what a novel idea. Look what happens when you trust other people with your truth, then they trust you with theirs. Lol. whoda thunk? 

As I’m typing this i’m still feeling self conscious about my typing and now i think its funny. Lol. im happy that it was able to make him laugh at a time when he was going through something sad. Thats like what happened for me. When i was dealing with my dad’s death there were lots of funny and ridiculous things happening. It really was how my dad wanted to go. Im sad hes dead. I miss him. I wish i was equipped with the skills i have now. I wish i still didnt have this anger in my heart. I couldnt empathize with my father. I couldnt meet him where he was at because i wasnt able to hold my own level of depression. I wish i could have sat with my dad and said “i know what its liek to want to die” i think about it everyday. I think about how much easier it might be for others if im goine. But then i know everyone would be sad, and i would be sad, and i’m better off alive and figuring it out and being with the people i love, than for us being sad and apart. I know what its liek to want to put other people first in order to make them happy. But if im putting other people before my happiness whats gonna happen if other people are unable to show up for me? Then who will make me happy if not for myself? Who will tale care of me?

There is this codependency that i learned from my parents and from my culture. You expect your family to do things for you even though you have hurt them. And youre expected to do things for your family even though theyve hurt you. And there was no healthy way of fixing that rupture. I need to heal my own home. I’m used to being in unhealed homes. I’m used to broken home. My house was a broken home. Thats really sad. I was born with a heart too open for this world. I was born in a broken container. I grew up in a broken container. My only reality is broken and it feel safe and normal here. I want to get out of that brokenness. I want to get out and repair what has been damaged. I need to go into that wound where the blade was pulled out and out love in there. See where the cells need to rejoin, where the ligaments need to grow. And i need physical therapy. But i see myself moving, jumping, and loving so much more than i ever could before. I see myself mending the broken parts and truly creating an energetic container that is safe for me to be in. and i want to share it with other not because i feel like i have to, but also because i want to share it. I know what this kind of joy brings and i want others ot feel it. I want others to feel the love that i have felt.

I’m feeling something on my right side, like under neath my side boob. It might just be a cramp.

I have jordan resting next to me now. I really like them. I like being around them and holding them and talking to them about the universe. I like learning new things from them and i like sharing what i know. I like when they listen to what i have to say and give me heartfelt and honest responses. I’m very grateful they exist in my world. I’m grateful for all the event that led me to this present point where after i post this i get to turn to them, kiss then on the cheek and hold them. I’m very lucky.

#morning pages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

im feeling so much anxiety. i’m not sure if its anxiety or just feeling activated. if i’m just feeling good. i definitely have anxiety over my money stuff that im mostly feeling numb about. can you be anxious without feeling it? i can feel it like a slight buzzing in a far off corner, but its mostly numb. i definitely am being called to do more work in this area of my life, especially around money. i think i’m good at receiving money, but im not good at holding on to it. maybe love is the same. im good at giving and receiving. but the feeling of having is freaking me out. yeah. the having. I read this in EK about the havingness level. i can feel how anxious i am knowing that i have at least $500 in my checking and $1000 in my savings. that makes me anxious. i can feel the tightness in my chest when i think about me and jordan’s relationship basically just staying the way it is. i feel like i’m a mess. i feel like i’m this messy person that doesnt deserve things. thats the havingness level. i feel like i’m not supposed to have. thats the codependency. im not supposed to have so i find people who have what i feel like im not allowed to and i feed off of them and become an energy vampire. i dont wanna do that. not anymore. i saw what that did to other people i was around and either i left them or they left me. im ok with being messy. and i take responsibility for my mess. i dont expect anyone else to come and help me clean things up, but people do, just as i facilitate for others, others are there to help me. I am grateful for the people in my life who still give to me unconditionally even though I have trouble receiving. This is the next level of expansion for me. facing these shadows. the parts of me that still feel shame and guilt around receiving. It is safe to receive. it is safe to have. it is safe to have more money than i need for survival. it is safe for me hold on to money and not give it away so quickly. it is safe for money to be with me. it is safe for me to have a long-term relationship based on mutual values and trust. it is safe for me to allow someone to care for me. it is safe for me to accept love, attention, and presence from another person. it is safe for me to create healthy, long lasting relationships. it is safe for me to make mistakes, learn, and grow in relationships. it is safe for me to be honest with my partner. i feel like the way i treat money is the way i treat a significant other. i want it really bad and i think itll make my life better and make me more happy, and it does, but then for some reason i give or push it away. i look for a reason for the money or the person not to stay with me and i challenge its presence in my life. why do i have to question why something good is happening to me? i dont trust the good. its ok for me to trust the good. it brings me back to the ballet story. when my classes were no longer available to me, i felt that thing i love be taken away. and that kept happening with things in my life that i really wanted. i got the thing, but then i subconsciously pushed it away. because i didnt think i deserved to have. i dont think i deserve to have an abundance of money, or an abundance of love. i love havign abundance and its ok for me to live that life. having wealth does not make me a bad person. having money does not make me a bad person. I can be safe having someone love and care for me unconditionally. i am allowed to have all the great things i want in this life. i am allowed to have a job that brings me wealth, joy, flexibility, and comfort. I am allowed to have a loving, committed relationship. it is safe for me to be in a relationship. it is safe for me to have money. I am safe. i can feel the ways where having money made me feel unsafe. where my mom would make me feel like i couldnt trust myself with money. where my dad always said not to have too much or people would take it away from you. no one is taking anything away from me. NO ONE IS TAKING ANYTHING AWAY FROM ME. not even myself. i’m no longer denying myself the things i want in this world. i am no longer feeding into the cycles that keep me from the life that i want. I choose to embody the habits of the life i know is attainable and possible. I am clearing out the truths that used to live inside me and replacing them with new truths that are leading me and my family toward bigger and better choices. In the Neville Goddard book they were talking about destiny. how destiny always changes. one destiny only exists so it can lead you to another. i feel like right now my destiny is to transcend these patterns of our oppression and bring about the love and compassion that my ancestors dreamed of. I am not my ancestors. i am not the oppressed, and my heart breaks for those who are still being pushed down by the systems that we all stay blind or helpless to. I choose to be different to try to do something different to bring more love and compassion to people who have been oppressed, so that future generation dont know the oppression i know. I thank my ancestors who i see and feel. who i know worked so hard and struggled and fought and grew in their own way so i may know a different kind of work. so i may know a life that is greater than survival. so that i may know a life where our bloodline can thrive. I want my daughters to have the heart to understand their ancestry, and have the vision to know even greater things than i may ever imagine, i know my father is proud. i know hes grateful for the work i’ve been doing. I am healing my blood line. i am building a life greater than my ancestors could have ever dreamed. i am building a life that my children will know as normal.

it is normal to receive love and abundance from others. 

it is safe to receive money and abundance from others.

it is normal to feel your feelings.

it is safe to feel your feelings.

it is normal to have more than you need for survival.

it is safe to have more than you need for survival. 

it is normal to have healthy relationships.

it is safe to have healthy relationships.

it is normal to speak your truth.

it is safe to speak your truth.

it is normal to love others.

it is safe to love others.

it is normal to grieve.

it is safe to grieve.

it is normal to receive.

it is safe to receive.

it is normal to relax and rest.

it is safe to relax and rest.

I can feel that part of me that is resisting these new truths. that loves the pain and the struggle. that is so activated and turned on by not having and not receiving without conditions.she really is a kinky bitch. im grateful to be doing this work. im grateful to be aware of whats going on and have a larger perspective. this is gonna be fun.

#shadow work #shadowself #existential kink

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/20/2023

I usually do my morning pages after my meditation and prayers, but today  the voices in my head are so loud that i wanna let them talk. Theres a part of me thats starting to worry, just like 1%, that im undiagnosed and should be seeking some kind of mental health help. And i do have a therapist, but id ont have the money right now to pay for an appointment. I feel very much ungrounded and in my head. Maybe this is why meditation is so important. It allows me to connect with my body and not be swimming with all the thoughts inside of me. I really feel very cerebral right now. It could also be that i dont have cannabis. I do have canna bis but in edible form, i wonder what it would be like to take an edible before my meditation and prayers.

Its a nice day today. Im thinking about taking an edible and going to my meditation and prayers at the beach. Or maybe i’ll do my meditation and prayers at home and then just go for a walk. It si friday today, so i’d like to make sure that i’m not on the roads by 3 pm today. I dont wanna be in any traffic. 

I can feel so many thoughts swimming around in my head that i cant really land on just one. The one thats coming forward is this version of myself that wants to do things and be productive, whose value is placed in her ability to show accomplishments. But theres another one holding her hand. It the part of me that knows that in the grand scheme of things the accomplishments and productivity are not definitions of the value I have as a person. I was gonna type that they dont matter, but in a way they do. I want to feel productive and accomplished in certain areas of my life because it helps me feel better and brings me closer to a version of myself that is able to enjoy life more fully. 

I think about all the different things im into right now. Pole, tarot, comedy. I feel like there’s something there that wants to be integrated all together. I keep getting this inkling that i need to mix my comedy and psychic abilities. Maybe i just need to try things and let them grow. I’m grateful I can be weird and do things people dont expect. I know in my heart that i’m doing something that no one else has done before. I know i\that i am a connection to this divine creation and its speaking through me. Maybe i need to do less manipulation and more surrender. Ahhhh the surrender part is always scary for me. I have a hard time trusting. Trusting myself, trusting the universe. I wonder what can help me with these trust issues.

I’m also noticing now the part of me that feels tired. It feels drained and wants more sleep. I went to be around 1:30 and woke up at 8. Thats 7 hrs. Maybe i need more. The feeling i have now is the same sleepy feelings i get in some of my lucid dreams. When im moving around in my dream but still feel so tired. I think that means theres n=more subconmcious rest and healing that needs to be tended to. 

Im nto sire what i’m tying now but i’m just letting myself types. Idk. i enjoy typing and writing. I think i have some interesting shit to say. Like, i’d buy my own album. Maybe thats why no one is about my shit. Am i even about my shit. I am. I’m really about me. I stand for me and i’d go to bat for me. I see me and i have so much more compassionf or myself now than i did before. I see the ways i am doing my goddamn best and i am proud of the work i’m doing. I’m grateful to have amazing people in my life to point that all out to me. I’m grateful to be able to be myself in my fullest expression, whatever that means. I get to be exactly who i am now. What a privilege. I get tp be authentic and real and honest with myself and with others. If i’m not sure or if i dont know i wont lie or i wont tell stpories to seem more interesting. If i catch myself starting to embellish i’;ll stop and take a beat and think, is this a real thing i want to share or do i just wanna amke myself seem more whatever in order for people to like me

I liek being liked. Its the validation for me. I need to remind myself that i am valued for my aiuthticity and honesty. I am valued for my honesty and realness. Thats what i like about myself. I want to become softer. I wnat to be less aggressive and be softer and more patient and loving with myself and others. Allow myself to be imperfect. Allow myself to be. Even when writing this i wanna go back and edit it. Fix all the grammar mistakes and mispellings. But i’m trying not to. I wanna let this just be. Just let the mistakes happen. Feel the crunchiness in all of it. See where i can be more present and more grounded in this experiment we call life. 

To be honest, thirty years feels liek a lot and a little at the same thing. Like when you think about it, for the first like 2 to 4 years youre not even conscious. Like, there are no memories at all. And from 4 - 10 youre still trying to get all the social and motor skills to be a basic human being. And then from 11-25 youre body is changing and growing and you have all these hormones and things are constantly and quickly shifting. And then your late 20’s hit an dyoure finally waking up to what being a human adult is and feels like. So you hit your thirties and its liek youre a toddler again. Especially in a spiritual and emotional sense, i feel like i’m just getting the hang of this shit. 

I keep hearing from my older firends that 40 is much more fulfilling and enjoyable than your 30’s. And that how i feel about my 30’s compared to my 20’s. And maybe thats just because i have people in my life who live very intentionally. I think its time for me to start living inteltionally. I intend to live a healing life filled with growth and expansion. I intend to live a life where integration and compassion are the foundation of my relationship with myself and others. I intend to live a life that facilitates joy and creativity. When i types the growth and expansion thing, i felt something inside of me. I felt a part of me thats scared of expansion. Thats scared to take on responsibility. That doesnt trust myself to treat this new things with intentionality and care. Maybe its the growth and expansion i dont need right now. Maybe i intend to live a healing life filled with compassiona nd joy. That feel really good. An di think the growth and expansion is a side effect of the compassion.

I’ve been using these words a lot, especially compassion. Simply because i never really felt that from myself. I could see how other people were compassionate with me, but i was still in the oppressed and oppressor mode within myself. Any part of me that feels oppressed will be embraced with love and care. Any part of me that wants to fight and be aggressive will be embraced with love and care. I am grateful these parts of me are here. The oppressed part deeply empathizes with the pain in the world and inspired grounded me to make choices where i can shift away from those cycles and instead place more love and healing into the world. The aggressive part of me sees the important of standing in my truth and not feeding back into the negative cycles. I forgive the parts of me that fed into the cycles. I forgive the parts of other that feed into the cycles. We are all coping. 

It hurts when i choose to be compassionate and i meet with someone who is in their aggression. I can empathize with the aggression, but choos enot to act on it. I would usually act on it. I still do have some repressed anger that has difficulty coming forward. Or maybe i’m just not really an angry person. When i am honest and authentic and i speak my truth and i have people around me who can hold space and validate my feelings, the aggression is able to be massaged out, rather than exploding like it did in the past. I am ashamed that that happened but i have so miucih love for those parts of me that didnt know any better.

Now i know better. Now i know my body is truly in charge. My nervous system hold the key to lots of these mysteries about myself. I wanna grab that book, the body keeps the score. I can fele the tension around my neck and body. I think there is guilt that is still stored there. I can feel the energy reserves around my stomach and neck. Its like my body developed these storage units to safe the energy for when i truly need it, and maybe it now. Maybe now is the time i truly need to start transmuting the energy in my stomach into something else. 

Im looking forward to my meditation and prayers now. Im gonna do them at home cause its so comfy in my bed right now. What am I transmuting? That will be the question. And i wonder if i need to be conscious of the transmuting. Will my body do it by myuselkf and iu need to just give it rest, care, and compassion. My body heals itself, i am the facilitator. How do i facilitate this healing? What space do i need? What food do i need? What do i need to provide myself to facilitate the healing. I just need to be present for myself and be present for my experience. What i am feeling and what i am going through is real and valid and i understand that i cannot force or change the path i’m on. That is unsustainable. I am the one to bring ease and joy into the work that my body knows it needs to do. I am grateful to know myself in this way. I want my body to be strong and healthy so we can keep facilitation for ourselves and in the future, for others.

#morning pages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

Not So Morning Pages 1/19/2023

I’m thinking a lot about my religious wounding and the ways i’ve been made to think there needs to be a bad guy and a good guy. That there needs to be a victim and perpetrator. I saw that being modeled growing up. I was either a good girl or a bad girl. My parents were always playing the victim of their circumstances. I think that’s why i went into this uber confident, uber power hungry kind of person. I had myself larger in order ot get my needs met, but i did not become whole. I left behind the parts of me that were truly victimized or the parts of me that felt victimized and for the past few months i’ve been really sitting with those parts of me. The parts that feel unseen and unheard. The parts that feel shame for having feelings. The parts that crave control and manipulate in order to feel secure. I’m grateful for this practice of being able to dig out whats there and lay them out in front of me.

A few weeks ago Tiz shared a clip of a video with me of a podcast where a man basically said what ive been telling him for months about how being right isnt necessarily the goal or the best way to get your point across to someone. And then he mentioned how in the full video the man talks about MLK, Ghandi, and Malcolm X saying how they were impactful due to their religious connection vs the left now that isnt grounded in faith. I feel that is correct. I feel that there is a subset of the left that has no connection to spirit, and in that it is the same shallow endeavor as teh right who are just manipulating religion in order to feel their own narratives. I’m wondering what needs to happen for the left to come into a more heart centered space? I also see how more likely than not, people on the left are the ones who are still grieving and processing their own religious trauma and the right’s use of religion directly triggers that pain and anger that needs to be processed. 

How can we shift from being the victim to becoming empowered? What are other roles besides oppressed and oppressor? I was talking to Jordan about this this morning and i’m grateful for his perspective and insight. I didn’t even realize the ways i was perpetuating the cycle of victimhood within myself. I am no longer a victim, i am a survivor. I truly am a survivor of physical abuse. That shit isnt talked about more seriously and that hurts my soul. My heart breaks for the children and people who are still stuck in relationships where corporal punishment is the norm. How do we even begin to heal that? I can’t solve the world’s problems. Thats the first thing to come to terms with. I can only shift myself and embody a new paradigm. The first step is to choose to process my anger from my past in a safe and trusted space. Somewhere where i know i can be held, heard, and seen in my process. The next step is to give love to the parts of me that are still hurting and in pain. Today I dont feel that pain as much. Now that i’m letting go of the victim narative i can feel the tension around my heart subsiding. If i am not the victim, what am i? What can i be? Jordan said i could be at peace. Wow. what a concept. Lol that person knows what theyre saying lol. 

What does peace feel like in my body? Well, first it feel uncomfortable. It feel like i shouldnt be at peace. It feels like i need to be fighting. But that need to fight does not me i dont want peace, it just means there still soemthing thats resisting. Resistance. Thats what always comes up for me in my journeys. Theres a part of me thats resisting to relax. Thats scared to relax. That feels guilty for relaxing. And now that i’m typing and reading these out, they seem funny. It seems

Lol i literally got distracted by my phone lol so tricky and clever, the parts of me that LOVE to kick and scream. That want something to be angry about because i have anger in my body that was never processed in a healthy way, so it want to come out in this victim narrative. I’ma victim of the system, i’m someone who peolpe leave. These narratives are blocks that keep me away from the peace that i wish to feel. I’m going to now be more aware of thes enarratives and try my best to catch them when they come up. I am empowered, i am secure in myself and in my knowing. I am now going to be observant of when peace comes up. AN dmaybe peace is feeling all fo that resistence and being at peace at its there. Peace and acceptance i think are like siblings. Peace is allowing the world to be what it is. Peace is allowing yourself to be who you are. I’m open to being wrong since this peace thing is a new thing i’m feeling.

I remeber last night i said “I just wanna be good.” what does good mean? I think i am good. I am a good person who tries her nest to be kind and loving to others and herself. I think good at some level means comfortable. I’ve become very comfortable with the uncomfrotable. I think thats my super power. But i can notice some things that make me uncomfortable and i quickly jump away from them. There is a part fo me that wants to indulge these feeling and let them play out. I think tahts teh existential Kink part of me. The insecurity, the sadness, the victimhood. They want to play out becaus ethey were never played out before. I think taking my time by myself to allow those feelings to play out is a good practoce for me right now. Not being reactive and just feeling. Giving myself time to not react. Knowing when i need to ask for support vs looking for escape. 

Thats been another thing i’ve been observing. Support vs. escape. I’m very grateful i have people and place sthat i know i can go to for support. I am grateful for the places of trust that i have.a nd i have so many. I am also grateful for myself that i choose to be trusting and honest the best that I can. I can see the ways where in the past i did a lot of escaping and running. Escaping from myself. My hatred for myself. My own thoughts and feelings. I was my own bully, i was the oppressor and teh oppressed. Now i choose to be neither. I choose to be a healer. 

I am a healer. I am not a victim. I am a healer. I am not a perpetrator. I am a healer. I am nto a good or bad person. I am a healer. I heal myself. I focus on healing and loving myself. I focus on healing the severed parts of myself to become whole with the divine that i know is part of me and part fo everyone else. When I’m not healing, I’m a human being having fun and enjoying all the things i can feel and experience in this human body. I came here to experience. To feel. To explore and expand. I came here to have fun and play. I cam here to love and to be loved.

I’ve been working of receiving. Receiving things from people. Receiving love. I can feel the tension that i still have around love. The narrative that i dont deserve love has lost a lot of its mental power, and even in my body i am become more aware of it. I am grateful that I am able to stop and pause and notice when my body is feeling activated and know that I can change the old narratives on the spot. Before when i was intimate with someone and i would get activated the narrative was “this feels go good its gonna end, i;m never gonna feel this way ever again.” but now i can catch myself when i’m feeling active and say “this feels really good and i just need to catch my breath and allow it to feel good.” 

I was really activated the other day when trying to figure out all the stuff for my home renovation. I felt so uncomfortable receiving money from my mom. I felt so guilty receiving that i can now see the ways that i was projecting that guilt on to her. I want to be the person who can sit there and listen to someone else go through what theyre going through and be able to be with them in their experience. Also noticing the parts of me that want me to be present for my own experience. Just being. I dont have to change or fit anything right now. Just be. I trust that i know when is the right time to remove or transmute. I trust that my body knows what is right. The more i listen to my body, the more i make better choices for myself. Noticing when i’m activated and not immediately making a move has been such a pleasure. Actually giving myself time to be present for my own experience rather than trying to escape it. And i know i will still have some subconscious patterns that will try to take me away front he experience because it feels like its too much to deal with. 

I don’t need to force myself to heal, the healing will happen on its own. I am present for my healing and i am committed to notice the ways where i am escaping and getting int he way of my own healing. When i am resisting the change that wants to happen. Now that i have become so much more aware than in the past, i know that trying to fight what is naturally happening is futile and unsustainable. I know now what helps for me is being present and listening and feeling what is happening. My body keeps the score, and also my body knows what to do. There is a bigger intelligence than my brain, my whole nervous system that helps control glands and organs and muscles that are performing subconsciously. My body is doing the work, i just dont need to get in its way. But i can help it. I can take care of it, love it. Feed it healthy foods. Treat it with care and compassion. Put into it things that bring more clarity and love. I am no longer oppressing my body. I am caring for it and loving it and trusting it. 

#morning pages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/17/2023

I have lots of voices in my head today. During my meditation it was kinda hard for me to lock into the present. I dont even think i can identify any fo those voices, they were just loud and leading me to all the places. But thats cool. I’m happy i’m aware of them. It makes me think of people who have been diagnosed with bipolar or schizophrenia. People who had to get treated for those voices. What If they were just in a certain awareness and needed help creating healthy relationships with those parts rather than totally eradicating the connection. I dont know. Everyone is different. Some people do need to shut them out, some people can swim with their voices. Im still learning and figuring that out

As i’m writing now i’m listening to music and a song came up that made me think of my relationship with greg. I still miss him. I miss laughing with him and i miss him holding me. I was picturing him coming back and saying that he wants to make it work. First thing, that would never in one million years happen. So why is there still part fo me wishing for it? Even if that did happen, i know not just logically, but even in my body that it wouldn’t feel right. When i think of all of that happening my body feels numb. I do feel something in my sacral. This feeling of not being wanted. I like that feeling. Thats my existential kink. Being with emotionally unavailable people. Because those are the relationships i’m used to from my family. Wild. I am an empotionally available person who is scared of having a relationship. It feels like i’m scared to have a relationship with the best part of myself because i’m scared that because oif who i am i’m gonna ruin it. But i know that voice is not real. I know tmy real story. I am a good partner. I am a loving partner. My worth as a partner does not depend on how well i have sex, how much money I have in the bank, or whether or not I can host someone at my home. I am worthy of love and healthy relationships because i am here. I’m allowed to make mistakes and i’m allowed to change and be better.

Power by iyla is on and it making me feel strong. Its making me think if greg again. I feel like i’m taking back my power from him. His narratives hurt me and were not aligned with mine. That relationship would have taken a lot of work on both our ends, i was willing to do that work and he wasn;’t. Isn’;t that funny. I am willing to work. I am so willing to work because i feel like i have to earn. But i dont have to earn. It is fun to earn and feels good. But one thing i dont need to earn is love. I dont have to work hard for that. I enjoy working on relationships and talking to people and building each other up. I enjoy working with joy to gain income to do fun things with people I love. I enjoy creating to see something new in the world. But love is not earned. 

I’m finally allowing myself to feel wanted. There are people in this world who enjoying being with me just as I am. There are people in this world who love me just as I am. I choose to cultivate relationships with the parts of myself that are reflected on those people. The parts of me that love me just as i am. Lots of who I am I love exactly as i am. I also have to understand that “love” means compassion and seeing the ways where that person is suffering and being them in that space to the best of our ability. I want to be able to be with myself in the uncomfortable spaces. To not try to do anything to change or get away from it, and just be with it. Be with it for as long as i can and then listen to wat its trying to say to me. I used to just feel the feeling and then try to get away from it. Now i want to feel the feeling and then listen to it. Theres a need that needs ot be addressed. That little part of me is screaming because it needs something. That part of me is uncomfortable, so what do they need to feel comfort?

It really is like reparenting myself. I’ve been trying to just guess what that little part of me wants, and its been satiated for a bit, but with something that was superficial and unsustainable (like attention, food, drugs). Just like how new parents have to get used to the nuances of their tiny baby who cannot talk but had so many needs. There are little parts of me that are screaming and ive been putting a pacifier int heir mouths until they spit it out and i was in an emotional breakdown. Now I’m getting used to the nuances. I am getting better at stopping and taking my time. Does this thing need to be fed, burped, held, changed? What does this uncomfortable part of me truly need? Some of my parts are now actively talking to me. I want to be held. I want to play. I want to do create. I’m very grateful to have this ability, i understand this is something that not lots of people have access to. I also understand that this is what works for me. Everyone has their own process. 

I’m feeling really motivated this week. Maybe its because if the new moon this weekend. Perfect timing since i have my period too. Lots of shedding. This weekend felt so good, being with Jordan. This is the kind of relationship I want. Wow, i have the relationship iu’ve always wanted. Someone who can understand my process, respect and believe in my practice, and someone who has their own process that i respect and believe in. I am very grateful for someone who i know will be authentic. It meant so much to me when i was scared and Jordan held me so well. These are the kind of relationships I value. I’m grateful that I have friends in my life who i can turn to and say “i’m feeling this way, can you help me by doing this with me”. Its like listening to myself and giving the small parts of me permission to ask. I have now given myself permission to ask and to receive.

I feel like i’m finally feeling the love and care in my life. I can feel the love from my mom and my brothers. I can feel the love from all my friends. I can feel the love from the earth and the sky. From the sun and the water. That source is love and its everywhere and i’m grateful to feel connection to it. I feel really open and its kinda scary, but it feels really good. I am learning so much about myself as i continue to create this relationship with myself. I’m really loving myself and being patient. Talking kindly and compassionately. Reminding myself that I can capable of whatever i set my mind to. I do see the ways where living my life with infinite possibility is intimidating to some people. 

I was thinking about the ways where i used to tell myself that i shoudlnt be small. That I should be big. But i didn’t really have a solid definition of what small and big looked like. And it because this narrative of small is bad, big is good. Now I think small is good. I see the ways where i tried to cut out the small parts of me that needed attention. The parts of me that are still feeling shame a guilt. Th e[parts of me that still feel as if i dont deserve love. Thats still a part fo me and i have so much love for those parts of me. I no longer wanna cut them out. I used to think that big meant denying those small parts and being the totally opposite. Loud, aggressive, overly confident, arrogant. But when I was like that I felt like a bull in a china shop (Taurus pun intended). Now There is no Big vs small, now i choose to be big and small. I choose to integrate those parts together so they can learn from each other. So the big part can take care of the small part. So the big and small parts can inspire each other. The big parts can soften and learn how to give love and compassion to the parts of me that are scared. The smaller parts can see the ways big me walks in her power while still understanding she is a human and capable of making mistakes. The big and small parts have something in common: fear. Theyre kind of afraid of each other. So bringing them together they can see that being scared of being small is not bad, and being scared of being big isnt bad, its just part of being. Its part of being me. 

I’ve been thinking of ways to share what I know. I think i do that by truly embodying and practicing the things i;ve been working on. Practicing for the life that I want so when that life shows up. I’m ready. There are so many cool things I wanna do this year and I can’t wait to see them come to fruition. 

I’m grateful for the spaces where I can trust that i’ll be held. I’m gratefulf ro the spaces where i can just be in my authenticity. I am grateful for the people who celebrate authnticity. I’m noticing how by the end of these morning pages i just start listening the things i’m grateful for to fill space lol. But i am grateful. 

During my prayers I kept envisioning the pole and comedy show and picturing the open mic in  monai’s. It looks like i have some emails so send out after this. Thats exciting. I’m excited to work with female owned businesses. I’m excited to accomplish the things I said I would. I’m grateful to have something to work toward in the spring. This year is going to be blessed. This year is already blessed. I am so inspired by myself. I am grateful to have loving relationships with different parts of myself. I’m grateful for the people who love me so well, who taught me how to move and appreciate who I am. I love those people. They are my inspirations.

#good morning #morningpages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/15/2023

During my meditation this morning i met the scared part of me that believes that she is unworthy and undeserving to be here in the world. She thinks shes not supposed to be here. There was a mix up. There was a mistake, i died, i’m not supposed to be here. But then a higher knowing said “what are you talking about, you chose this. You wanted to come back, you always wanna come back.” I have this narrative that my soul chooses to come back into this world because she wants to come back and play with her friends. I feel like theres a group of us souls who get together in the ether and agree to come back together and to meet at certain times. This is why i have such a pleasure in this lifetime to meet so many people who resonate with me. I also think the higher me is funny and likes to make arrangements with people who will bring me pain and force me to expand. 

When on San Pedro I had a vision from my past. A little background I was born one week late via cesarean. A few hours after i was born, my dad left the hospital to get chinese food. It was me, my mom, and another couple on the other side of the partition. All of a sudden i stopped breathing and i flatlined. My mom started screaming, the man from the other couple ran to get a nurse an dthey were able to revive me. Ok. back to the vision. I Saw my mom, over my body, screaming and crying. So scared. And i was like, above her? Or watching it like a movie? I just know i was outside of the situation, and i felt so sad for my mom I knew i had to come back.

I wonder whats this part of me that doesn’t liek to come back, that doesnt liek to be here. Maybe its my karma to come here and learn to love every bit of my life and enjoy every moment and enable others to do the same. I can hear the part of me thats saying, “there so much pain and suffering in the world, how can you dare choose to fill the world with more love and more joy?” lol that statement sound ridiculous now that i read it. Yes there is so much pain and suffering, which is EXACTLY why we need more love and joy! I can speak out against the paradigms that are upholding the cycles of pain. I can actively choose ot be part of the new paradigm where we are able to show up for each other with care. I can be present for the experience of others and myself who are still grieving the pain that this old world order had inflicted on innocent hearts. 

I can feel the part of me that feels guilty choosing to live my life with joy. It's like this toxic cycle where i want others to feel the pain i feel, its like i want every part of me to feel pain, but i dont think thats possible. Even if i did feel so much pain in my body, pain is not bad, its just a sensation, it hurts yeah, but pain and hurt arent bad, in inherently, theyre just part of the human experience, something that i enjoy very much. I really enjoy feeling now that i’m getting the hang of it. I realize the ways where i want other to feel my p[ain with me, but thats projection. I’m allowed to feel my pain, say it with my chest, feel it in my heart, but no one else can feel these feelings for me. They are mine. Jordan always says that i’m allowed to have my feelings, they are mine, and just like everything else in my world i wanna give it to someone else.

I wonder why i keep running away from this human experience that i feel that my soul chose? 

My nervous system is so wild. Its very interesting to practice being in my body. To practice being sensitive to whats going on inside me. Fuck, is this that thing i was talking about that youre gonna be changed no matter what, but your the one who has to do the work? Like, my nervous system is now so obvious to me. The sensations in my body. I’m grateful to have the practice of being in my body and being able to verbalize whats happening.

I have this thing with Tiz where it seems like I always need to be wrong. I think its the part fo me that wants to be wrong, so im with someone who makes me feel liek im wrong when i know i’m spoeaking my truth. Which is good because she calls out my shit and i like that. Well, i dont liek the sensation of feeling shame and embarrassment, but i do like that i have people in my life who choose ot be honest with me becaus ethey know i have the capacity to receive their message and allow it to process. I’m also grateful to have patient friends who know that i’m going to learn and grow on my own timeline and in my own way. I’ve started to practice having more patience for myself. This past year was like lighter fuel on my life. I am so grateful for the plant ,medicine work, for the community i’ve found that allowed me to work with myself in a different way. I feel so much more joy, peace, love, and patience for myself than i ever have before and i want to continue building on that.

This morning i pulled the 7 oif pentacles. What resonated with me was the message that not all success come sin monetary form, or something like that. And looking back at this past year it has been filled with blessings. I am so filled with love and these darker parts are feeling safe to come out. The parts of me that have been screaming for love are now being seen, heard, held, and loved. 

Speaking of screaming, last night i had a wild experience. I was with jordan and i started feeling fear. I was crying and i was saying how scared i was about him leaving and my other thoughts and feelings around that. And he was reassuring me and he said that i’m his friend. And i heard part of me scream “but i wanna be more than friends!” and then another part of me screamed “But i’m scared”. When i told jordan he said that he had parts like that too. That felt sad but good to hear. I really am so grateful for this relationship, and if i did have to choose someone to work on life with, they seem like a really fun partner to adventure ethe world with. We have very similar values and other laundry list of similarities. 

Ok teh cynical part of me want to talk, lemme give her space (also recognizing the part of me thats annoyed that shes even here):

Well, who knows? We could do this for years and then at the end they can decide they dont even wanna be with me.

Ok, thanks cynical me. But i’m grateful you say that because just the same, we could do this for years and it could end up that i dont wanna be with him. I think that rather than trying to figure out whats gonna happen in the future lets asses how we feel today.

 So let’s take a survey, does any part of me NOT enjoy being with them?

Oh shit. We have a hand. Ohh the shallow me that’s always wondering if theres someone better. Someone who is more my physical “type”. Someone who has MORE things in common. I wonder what she’s from. 

Well, the votes are in. we’re gonna choose to be present and allow all the parts to feel love and joy. I have no doubt that jordan loves me. I have no doubt that they cherish this friendship. I have no doubt that they care about me and will be honest with me. I am grateful for friendships liek this and i strive to continue growing relationships like this one. 

I wonder why i’m hyper fixated on Jordan. I think there’s something to do with the human design, how i’m a non energy type and i bounce off of other people’s energy. Their energy is really resonant with my own. Like REALLY resonant. How luck of me. I really think about how i could have still been with kevin or greg, or any of my other exes and i would not have known this feeling. Or maybe i did have this feeling. I did, but now i aim to sustain it rather than letting it run through. I choose to stay present and when the part of me that jumps to the ending comes forward i’m gonna reassure her and love her. And when the part of me that jumps to the future fantasy i’m gonna love her and be inspired by her. I like the life she’s building for herself right now. I get to dance, live, have fun, and do things that bring me joy. 

I am grateful for this life. I am grateful that i woke up today, especially since that means i got to wake up with jordan. AHHHH I REALLYYY LIKE THEMMMMMM and that booty ^.^ lol I am grateful for where i’m at in my life. I’m grateful that i get to dance, sing, and play everyday, I’m grateful that i get to write freely and write for creation and creativity. I’m grateful that my life is filled with art, and artists and people who are committed to bringing the new paradigm forward. I am grateful to be part of this new wave of people who are trying to do better for the people they love. I’m in good company.

#monring pages #the artists way #artists on tumblr

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages

I’m being haunted by the ghosts of my past. The 5 year old stuck in the shame pit. The 12 year old on the endless cycle of taking control to run away from her feelings. The 14 year old, hopeless romantic who craved for the love she saw in fairytales and the lust she saw online. The deeper i go into my psyche, the more layers of myself are revealed. Like circles in a tree trunk, i’m going through all the layers, some are more dense than others. I wonder what was happening in its environment that caused it to grow like that. Some holes on the inside. But always healing.

I’ve decided to let my blog posts live on my tumblr. Omg. i just had a realization. Whenever i go into a new version of my life, i leave the old version of me behind rather than integrating that experience. Shitt. These aremy ghosts. The parts of myself i abandoned in order to get tot he next.

I saw a post i write pn my timblr when i was 24. I was a nanny at that time. I remember very clearly what was happening in my life, and now im trying to go back and feel into what was happening to me. I was very depressed and didn;t know it. Now that I think about it, I dont think I was depressed, i think i was around lots of depressed people. Or maybe i was? I was definite disassociating like a fucking pro. Using sex to feel wanted and sexy and valid. 

I can feel the ways my emotions are a weird confused soup in this writing. Its actually sweet to read it. To feel this innocent version of love and heart break. I have such an innocent heart. I can still feel that in my heart now. The ways it would break over people who were just pit stops on each others journeys.  

“but i’m a ship, not a life raft. with proper maintenance and care, one can travel the world with me. go on adventures, live life to the fullest, but you must be willing to sail. i am not one to be used as a last resort, to float along to life goals you know you cannot reach without someone else.”

The shit really hit lolo. Go ahead 24 year old me lol. I am a writer. I always have been, and i forget that sometimes. 

So a thought is coming into my head. So what if i am a life raft for others. Just to stay with them until i’m no longer needed. I see the ways i’ve treated my own self as a life raft. Just floating along, just surviving until the next thing comes up that lights me on fire. Just gogin from goal to goal, not enjoying the journey to and from each point. Theres a high you get when you reach your goals, and that high is really a great feeling. I know i can access that feeling whenever and that feeling is not attached to any specific thing. The feeling of receiving. Ahh. its safe to receive. Its safe to receive love and attention. Its safe to receive the life you’ve always dreamed of. Its safe to receive everything you’ve ever asked for. And that feeling of accomplishment is a feeling that can be with you whenever your ready, no matter what your life looks like. 

I’m recognizing the part of me that’s like “what about people suffering, what about people in  poverty, people in warzones? How can they possibly feel that feeling when their circumstances are filled with dread. I feel that i truly do. My heart breaks for all those people and i am in no way saying that access this feeling is a simple task. This world we live in is structured to make it difficult for people (and ever more difficult for POC) to gain access to that feeling through the material world. What I am suggesting is that the feeling can be felt no matter what your life looks like. It can be hard to feel it when other emotions like fear, survival, and desperation are so much more prominent, and those feelings need to be addressed, the environment needs to be addressed so more people can gain access ot that feeling. I was once told that “money solves money problems” but i wanna amend that. “Money solves money problem which helps relieves stress so you give attention to the emotional state.

This past year i really dedicated my time to my healing and growth. I knew that i needed to take a look under the hood and see what was going on. I was living my life with my check engine on. I knew that the money wasn’t the problem. It was a me problem. It was a mari problem. And Mari solves Mari problems. Lol. I want to change the word problem and shift it to situation. Or experience. I’ll find a word that amkes more sense. I really enjoy words. Lyrics are what really hit for me in songs. And i love books and poetry. I really forgot how much i loved to write. 

I no longer wanna be a life raft. I refuse to keep myself small. And i dont wanna be a tug boat either. I dont even just wanna be the ship. I wanna be a whole maritime empire. OH SHIT. ITS MARI-TIME!!!!! Lmfaoo. This is really me season 2023 and ME. lol because i do want ot be able to be a life raft for someone who needs that kind of support. I wanna be a tug boat for someone who needs guidance. I wanna be a cruise ship where people can enjoy and relax. I wanna be a row boat you take out on the lake to read a book. Some times i wanna go white water rafting! Yeah, i need to live by the water lol. 

You knwo, i no longer choose to solely identify with only one part of myself. I choose to integrate all of it in my experience knowing that those parts of me are still active. It like when i go into different parts of my life the bluetooth is not connected ot present me, but still connected to anoer version of me and i am unable to connect. Those are my blind spots. The places in my experience where grounded me is not connected and another part is coming forward.

I have to pee really bad. 

Ok. integration. Thats the foundation of my year. Really get to know me and on a deeper level and allow myself to life in my fullness. Its ok to be messay and make mistakes. Its ok to make calculated risks. Its ok to play. Its ok to be you. 

My super power is my being. I believe that my existence is my super power. I can just be. And i’m working on it. And part of me being is being in the work. There are times where i dont need to work and i get to relax or play or create. Or have relaxing play that creates unconsciously. That sounds fun lol. That how i feel sometimes. When youre with yourself or with others and your just in the flow. Allowing yourselves to inspire each other. I was so inspired by Marcie and Ian last night. I’m beginning to be more aware of the judgements that are inside me that come up around others. 

The judgment part needs more integration i feel. It doesnt feel like me. It feel like something else. The judgement there was there to protect me. Thats the 8 year old, “youre bad, your good” because she had to judge her actions as bad or good to make sure she could be in a happy environment. Whew. all that anxiety for such a small child. 

I also feel this connection between the judgemnent and this punitive part of me. The part that feels she needs to be punished because she is guilty and she needs to feel shame. Damn, that shame is one hell of a drug. 

There was another part of my tumblr post I wanted to share

i don’t want to be someone’s best option, i want to be someone’s only option. and i think, right now, i’m your best option. i think, time is wearing thin for you. and the days being spent alone in your room with your guitar are getting old. i think you miss the security you had with me. the stability. you know if you just asked, i would be there and you would have whatever you want. let’s not confuse our lust with intimacy. let’s not confuse our friendship with romance. you made it very clear when i was looking at you right in the eyes. you set up the walls. you built the dam. actually, you were the architect. and i was the contractor who made your plans a reality. i think its now too late to change the structure.

Its interesting how that part of me is still playing out. Is this one of those sygil things that jordan was talking about? Lol. well im happy i can see it now. Im a]happy to be aware of it. And i can tell that thurga could see the pattern repeating. I dont wanna keep repeating these patterns. Im ready for new adventures. Im ready for a different. Im ready to start being and integrating all the parts of me. Im ready to get to know that version of my self and allow her to move, create, and be part fo this flow. L

Last night I had a vision of “my head above water”. I feel like i can feel my toes lightly touching the ground. But part of me is really enjoying floating in this soup.

Theres part of me that enjoys not being grounded.

#morningpages #the artists way

[manifesting-mari]

aches

i thought it would be nice to be wanted. to hear you say all the things i wish you would say for the past year. this just goes to show you, that once you get what you want, its not always exactly what you expected. maybe it would be different if i were home. actually, it would definitely be different if i was home. but that’s not the case. i’m not home. i’m 3,000 miles away. and maybe this distance was the blessing i needed. maybe this space was necessary. its given me the opportunity to deal with this without you. its given me the chance to not run into your arms the second i get the chance. you’re not just a drive away. and the chance that you won’t be there for me when i get back, that is settling within me. and the knowledge of the strength that i will have to move on, that is settling in also.

i think i’m that special toy. the one you know will ways be there for you to play with. and even though you share it with others, you know that at the end of the day it’ll still end up in your toy box. but now your toy is gone. shipped off to another place. and you don’t know if it’ll be in your toy box ever again. i know you love me. and i know you miss me. those things i do not doubt. but do you actually want me? i doubt that. i think you just want someone like me. a new toy with all the same features. 

you want to have your cake and eat it too. i get that. but now that you don’t have anything else to eat, you want that cake back.

i don’t think you want a relationship with me. i think you are mistaken. i think you just haven’t found a better replacement. yes, you are lonely, because i’m not there anymore. and yes, you do want me, because there’s no body else. i think you’re confused, my friend. i think you didn’t expect that me not being an option for you was going to have such an effect on your emotional state. but you should get used to it. 

when you told me that there is better out there for both of us, i believed you. and now, so soon in my travels, you have stopped your search. i’m not waiting around until november, and neither should you. i think it would be best for us both to remember what you said to me before i left. i think you’re running out of immediate options so you’re starting to grab at the strings that are slowly slipping from your grasps. i think you’re getting desperate. but i’m a ship, not a life raft. with proper maintenance and care, one can travel the world with me. go on adventures, live life to the fullest, but you must be willing to sail. i am not one to be used as a last resort, to float along to life goals you know you cannot reach without someone else.

i don’t want to be someone’s best option, i want to be someone’s only option. and i think, right now, i’m your best option. i think, time is wearing thin for you. and the days being spent alone in your room with your guitar are getting old. i think you miss the security you had with me. the stability. you know if you just asked, i would be there and you would have whatever you want. let’s not confuse our lust with intimacy. let’s not confuse our friendship with romance. you made it very clear when i was looking at you right in the eyes. you set up the walls. you built the dam. actually, you were the architect. and i was the contractor who made your plans a reality. i think its now too late to change the structure.

you had your chance and you blew it. just like i did about a year ago. and you expect me to count down the days until we can make this right? nuh-uh. not gonna happen. 

i’m gonna go live my life. and i wish for you to do the same.