magzjournal

[magzjournal]

I really messed up this time.

I feel sick to my stomach.

I feel disgusted in myself.

I feel embarrassed.

I feel shame.

But worst of knowing I hurt the one I love most is the most devastating feeling.

This feeling of dread is completely taking over me.

I feel so stupid.

All the time I debated to tell the truth. When I finally do I do it in the worst way imaginable.

No compassion.

Just selfishness.

How can anyone trust me if I don’t trust me?

How can anyone love me if I don’t love me?

I don’t know what to do.

[magzjournal]

June 10 2023

Earlier at work today, I told myself if remind myself to write about this, and guess what! I MEMBERED!

In the beginning of my shift — I saw a guy waiting in line wearing a shirt with big, bold lettering written on the back. It read, “LOVE DOESN’T EXIST”.

My first thought was to go up to him and tell him he was wrong. But, I won’t lie and say that it didn’t make me start to wonder if people nowadays still believe in love — or if more people might side with this guy’s point of view?

My day went on and I honestly just forgot about it because I was so busy trying to finish my project, help customers, and manage associates all simultaneously. But, while I was setting my table display, I looked up and saw a kid pass by with big, bold lettering written on the back of his shirt as well! This one however read, “ROMANTIC”.

I immediately started to sing that one Paul McCartney song ‘Silly Love Songs’. I knew there was hope!

But you know…whether or not the majority does or doesn’t believe shouldn’t even matter. It’s whatever you believe and that’s not something you can really “choose” to do or not. If someone who doesn’t believe in love sees that the majority believes…and for whatever reason what’s to fit in…they can talk, and show, and pretend all day — but deep down they’ll know they don’t.

Can you try and learn to change your mind? Sure. But not without something truly perspective changing.

My point is, is that even if everyone around me tattooed on their foreheads “LOVE IS DEAD” I wouldn’t be able to follow.

I know love is real. I wouldn’t be able to hide it. It’s not something you can change your mind about. It either is or it isn’t. If it isn’t, it isn’t. If it is, it can be something amazing or something you despise. But..either way — YOU BELIEVE!

#writing #love #blog #daily journal #improvement

[magzjournal]

June 9 2023

Today was a special day. 💐

[magzjournal]

June 8, 2023

I like new and exciting things, but lately I feel the only thing that can really get me by is good old fashioned routine.

I’m in a spot where I have the opportunity to really start changing things. Things can be remolded and set in a way that can help make life easier for a long, long time.

I feel like I can’t move forward until it’s done.

But what I’ve learned from this past week alone is change (that I’m not necessarily prepared for) drains me. Emergency plumbing, family visits, random bills, schedule changes. It throws me off so badly. I feel depleted.

But to be honest there’s things that I DO have control of that definitely contribute to the depletion of my energy. I can make getting good sleep/rest a priority. I can make better choices on what I eat. I can plan and prepare for things outside of my control…have an emergency fund in case any major issues with cost involved arise.

I saw a meme today that showed one frame saying “I’m a 90’s kid”. Second frame said “No you’re not. You’re a 30 year old man”

And while it’s pretty funny…it’s also very true. I think I’m in the generation (millennials) of almost…perpetual children. The generation before us were raised to grow up. The generation after has no hope. And we are the kids who refuse to grow up.

But whether or not we want to or not…the world is still going to keep turning.

I’m not saying that I need to grow up in the sense of “get a job, get married, but a house and die”.

But I do realize there’s a point in everyone’s life where they have to start taking accountability and do better for themselves. Whatever that means…

Im mostly just ranting at this point.

Bottom line is I can’t eat spicy food and stay up all night and expect there to be no repercussions anymore.

Im sick of being sick and I have no one to blame but myself at this point.

Maybe being an adult just means making better choices…more thought out choices. With the potential sacrifice of instant gratification.

[magzjournal]

July 5 2023

Oil — oh oil,

from earth and the soil,

you illuminate more than all lights!

You make darkness recoil,

from peasant to royal.

Ridding our minds of all blights…

Extract through the boil.

Or smoke from the foil.

Let it clear all the wrongs from the rights.

May you always stay loyal —

through trouble and toil,

and rise us above to great heights!

(A poem about the THC oil I drank alongside a wonderful cup of coffee and totally rad feeling it’s giving me! <3)

#poem #dailyblog #writing

[magzjournal]

June 2, 2023

Is it a “hell yes” or a “hell no”?

I need to keep that in mind more often. If something passes me by it’s okay. But only if it wasn’t a hell yes. If it’s not a hell yes…it’s a hell no. There’s no in between. We can try and make up something that might be in between but it isn’t real.

It’s either a yes or a no. No maybe so.

Maybe so is just a no that’s fighting to survive.

I thought of a writing prompt on the way home from work. I always try to think of what I would do if I had all the money in the world.

But what if I had NO money in the world?

I’d probably find a way to make it…but assuming I couldn’t and I’d just have to live off what the world has to offer naturally…

what would I do?

I’m just going to write freely here and think out loud.

I’d have to find food. So I’d find a place where I could either grow food, gather food, or hunt food.

Eating — check!

I’d find a place where I could drink water every day…clean fresh water — check!

A place I could sleep and feel safe.

Shelter — check!

Food, water, shelter. The bare necessities.

What would I do for fun?

I like walking. I’d walk across the world and see everything I could.

I enjoy swimming (although I’m not that good). I’d go to the beach and lay out on the sand and swim in the water.

I like chess. I’d find a place I could play chess for free or make my own board out of stuff I could find.

I like skateboarding. I could see if there was

You know what…all these things are things I can do NOW without having to win the lottery. And in fact…I have lots of money now! Maybe not as much as I’d like right now, but still MUCH more than no money at all.

I guess there’s a lot to be grateful for.

Michelle made me soup and we had a spoonful of oil.

It’s starting to kick in.

I’ll probably go to sleep soon.

I’ll write more tomorrow probably!

Goodnight.

[magzjournal]

June 1 2023

Today was kinda weird. Actually…maybe not weird..more like off. More normal than different…but definitely different than usual.

Michelle’s Dad flew in today. It felt kind of like a tornado hitting…it wasn’t bad or anything…just abrupt — and leaving everything feeling a little…just…all over the place.

It’s okay though. It’s not forever. And it’s not so bad.

I’ll be mostly working anyways.

But it made the rest off the day feel off. Like just by an inch.

So even now I feel weird.

I just lost two games of chess.

Work felt off.

Driving felt off.

Music felt off.

The weather feels off.

Life feels off.

Maybe having two days off

in a row isn’t such a good thing.

It makes me feel freedom just a little too long. So that when it’s time to work again it feels like I’m being locked in a jail cell.

I’m being extremely over dramatic and I’m in my own feelings right now…but I feel like I need to write it down before I go to bed.

I took some oil which helps.

Sleep sounds good actually. Im looking forward to it.

I think it’s time.

But anyways…it’s okay to have an off day. It happens. It’s okay to have an off month. Or year. Or even life. Life is long. Death is quick. Eternity is unfathomable.

I will enjoy my life no matter what! There are so many things to enjoy and be grateful for.

If I’m off then it’s okay. It is what it is but it won’t be forever.

Nothing is.

I think.

Now.

It’s time for bed.

Goodnight <3

Ps. This is me coming home tonight to Michelle’s shoyu chicken

[magzjournal]

May 29 2023

I went to the Shinnyo Lantern Floating Festival today

[magzjournal]

Sunday May 28 2023

Today feels like a good old fashioned filler episode. Wasn’t too bad. Nothing over the top. Mild day at work. Chill day at home. Pizza. Anime. Probably go to sleep soon…

I’m in an in between and it’s just fine!

I don’t mind it at all!

I’m kinda tired.

Probably go to sleep soon.

My cat is meowing.

He is so cute.

Sounds like a little creature.

Maybe I should go to bed?

Goodnight

[magzjournal]

May 27, 2023

I haven’t heard back from the other job yet! They said a couple days ago they’d do their best to get back to me as soon as they could.

Maybe this is all meant to happen this way.

To be honest, I’ve been second guessing my decision a bit.

It was all very exciting and felt really good in the moment, but thinking about it a bit more…I’m not sure if it’s exactly what I want.

My primary goal right now, or at least my current goal career wise/financial wise, is to pay off my debt as soon as possible (while still living an enjoyable life) and eventually have enough money to not have to work a real job again!

But what after what?

That I’m still figuring out…and I guess that, is the real question.

I won’t fully commit to either idea right now. But, either way…how amazing is it that I even have this option??

To get to choose between two great jobs both with equally great pay?

I really am fortunate for this position I’m in.

And if my biggest problem is not knowing what I want to do with my life…then things can’t be too bad.

I’m just one step away from the rest of my life really!

How exciting that it could lead me into literally anything! Things I can’t even think of!

I’ll let this all marinade a bit.

But, at least right now, it feels good

To end this post — here’s a video of a delicious vegan sandwich I had the other day for lunch:

[magzjournal]

May 24, 2023

I missed two days…that’s okay.

Between taking assessments for a possible new job, covering co-workers and having to stay longer to close, and moving the last of the big bulky items from our Chinatown apartment to our NEW apartment…

There’s not been a ton of time.

But here we are! Just woke up, gonna take Havarti for a walk, call my Grandma (it’s her birthday today), then later go to work!

I hope I hear back from my new job…I’m basically on the last leg before I would hear an offer of not.

I’ve decided that either way…get the job or not — everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. But if I don’t get the job…that doesn’t mean I can’t start making healthier choices and still do my best to be a great manager with what I got!

There’s always the unknown third option that might, in the end, be even better and be something we could never have predicted.

To end this post, here’s a picture of my current desk set-up! Was finally able to put some stuff out not that I have my furniture:

Also my bookshelf!

Now…time to start my day!

[magzjournal]

May 21, 2023

Michelle drove me to work today.

We went the fast way so I was there 30 minutes early.

I bought a “power roasted veggie bowl” instead of a lox bagel. I ended up eating it for breakfast AND lunch. It was really good!

I didn’t take a picture of it though…let me see if they have a picture online.

:

So much goodness in one bowl…

Anyways, there was a lot that happened today, that didn’t quite go in my favor — and I could maybe complain about each little thing that happened…

…but there’s no sense in crying over spilt litter (inside joke).

So, I choose to celebrate the good and move past the the not so good.

All I can do is keep trying to do my best!

[magzjournal]

May 20, 2023

I was reading/watching videos about nutrition and plant-based diets and Michelle recommended I look up Dr. Gregor.

I’ve decided when I start working at the health food store, that I’ll start trying to incorporate more of a plant-based diet. I think it would be a cool “challenge” to try and only eat foods that are bought from the store for 30 days.

I also like the idea of not being restrictive in terms of how much I can eat, but the type of food and quality.

For now I’ll start diving in more to learning and trying to think about ways to incorporate the “daily dozen” in my diet.

I’m very excited about this new path I’m on!

[magzjournal]

Post didn’t go through..

Maybe it wasn’t supposed to.

That’s okay.

In summary:

• interview went well!

• crazy how so many things changed in my life all at once

• so many blessings!

• Disney duck

• and Ps, to Michelle — thank you for all your support and thank you for reminding me of my self-worth

[magzjournal]

May 19, 2023

Everything is falling in to place.

Manifestation is real — and it’s so much fun when you remember how to do it!

I’m very happy with what is currently materializing around me.

I’m just so excited!

Today I had my interview and I think it went really well!

To think…in 3 weeks time I might be working for a brand new company and my life will just be…completely different.

So many good things and so many blessings!

It all seems to be stacking on top of each other.

And with even more to come!

There’s just so much to celebrate, I don’t know where to start!

Things are looking up for me!

This is great!

How should I end this post?

Maybe with a video of a cute animal?

Yeah!

Maybe a duck!

A DISNEY DUCK!!

Ps, thank you Michelle for always supporting me and helping me remember my worth

[magzjournal]

May 18, 2023

Last night before I went to bed Michelle let me know about a job listing for an Assistant Store Manager at a local Vegetarian/Vegan grocery store.

I’m currently the Operations Manager for the biggest (roughly 18,000 square feet) Candy store on the island.

It would be a similar role I’m sure, but drastically different in terms of products that I would be selling.

So I applied for it last night.

And this morning when I woke up — I had a missed call and voicemail from a number I didn’t recognize…

It was them responding to my application and asking to set up a phone interview!

Usually I freak out

or

put too much pressure on

or WANT it too much

or

not enough.

But this time I just called back, had a conversation, said have a nice day, and let it be.

I decided to do something for myself after that because I knew I was closing the store tonight and would be at work from 1:30-10pm — so I went for a swim in our building’s pool.

When I got back I had a missed voicemail again! This time asking a few questions that the VP of the company wanted to know.

I called back, gave my responses, said have a nice day, and let it be.

Again, I just wanted to play it ~c o o l~ and just not overthink things too hard.

I took a shower and took Michelle’s advice to let the water flow over me and help create the new me to become…to use the time as a sort of meditation.

I did. And when I came out a third missed call — voicemail stating he wanted to set up an in-person interview.

I decided again to do something for myself; to take my time back and feel a sense of freedom.

So I went to the same local vegetarian/vegan grocery store that I was applying for (not the same location, but the one that’s a 7 minute walk from my apartment), to get lunch.

While walking to the store with Michelle, we were talking about the plans for the following day and the logistics of freeing up my schedule to make the interview. I didn’t know if I should schedule it for next week when I had more time or try and get out of work so I could go.

I was going back and forth on what to do, but she finally asked me a question before we walked into the store, that made me immediately realize what the right choice for myself would be.

She asked if I was all in. If this is what I wanted to put my energy to. If no matter what the outside sources would say, would I choose to want to take this new path in front of me in lieu of those other factors.

I said yes.

She said call them back and set up the interview.

I did.

And then we got a delicious lunch including:

• A delicious vegetarian panini

• Two pre-biotic sodas

• And a Blue Spirulina smoothie bowl

The same one that I took a picture and posted on my first ever blog yesterday!

If there’s anything I learned from today and what you can take away from this post is:

1) Follow your heart

2) Don’t put too much pressure on yourself

3) Get you a good girlfriend

[magzjournal]

May 17, 2023

Maybe just for fun.

Don’t have to think so hard.

Have fun.

Don’t think too hard.

Maybe add a picture?

That’s an Acai bowl I had the other day���or actually I guess it would technically be a ‘Blue Spirulina’ bowl.

Either way it was good. And it was nice to get something I wanted just because I wanted it, you know?

Here’s a picture of me and my girlfriend when we visited the Big Island in February 2019. I can’t believe that was over 4 years ago already. A lot has changed since then.

This is my current Lock Screen. A picture of us from this past New Years. I feel like we look the same for the most part. Maybe different hair. But mostly the same.

That’s how I hope it’ll be forever.

But I guess I’m making this blog because I want to have something to look back on.

I’m not sure what it’ll be, but probably mostly just whatever I feel like posting.

But I think no matter what there should be one rule to remember.

Just have fun!