lovedvra
Love Dvra
Musings, love, creative things
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TRIGGER WARNING
This blog post contains references to sexual assault that may be upsetting to some readers. Please refrain from reading it if you are susceptible to triggers. Protect your mental health and nervous system.
I’m recording my final walk speech and the tears are fresh like the night I won. I really fought for myself and the little girl in me who was told she couldn’t and shouldn’t live life on her own terms. I honoured my 19-year-old self who dated a really toxic guy and thought I’d never get my mind and spark back. This win was proof that my spark was always there; it was just hidden.
Sexual assault (SA) can dim your light. It dimmed mine. Unfortunately, most victims of SA are women and to survive it rarely feels good. I have pages and pages of poetry expressing the confusion, “love”, hurt, anger, frustration and sadness after the act and before I figured out what had happened to me. My memories haunt me every now and then. I tried to show up for my life. It was harder back then. For the past 4 years, I refused to remain in the shadow of someone who mishandled me. I still believe in healthy love and romance, I still believe in my dreams, I still see my worth and I still see me.
That was one of the reasons I entered this pageant. I wanted my voice back because part of me couldn’t admit how much I had changed and crumbled. At the beginning of this month, a friend reposted a reminder that April is sexual assault awareness month. It had positive, reaffirming words and yet it triggered me. Yes, good things can still trigger you. In fact, I have zero control over what triggers me. I can only manage them when they come.
I had to sign off to calm down. The tension in my shoulders, I wrapped my arms around my torso, my breathing stilled and I began to curl in on myself like a cocoon. The music that usually helped to calm or distract me didn’t work that night. I sought comfort from the discomforting memories that played in my mind. The funny thing is it happened over five years ago, yes over 5 years ago. I recognized the signs and moved my body to get out of my head. It took two or three hours to get my nervous system as close to relaxed as possible. Frustrating. Do you know how easy it would’ve been to wash the dishes if he had broken up with me instead and not forced himself on me? Easy! I wouldn’t have over five years worth of moments like this one. It’s so sad that too many girls, teenagers, women and people can relate to that sentiment.
My therapist says I will always have this, the depression, the anxiety, the flashbacks, the triggers, they are my friends now. I don’t have to be controlled by them, just aware and mindful of how my body and mind operate now.
If I were to speak to my younger self, I would say, “tell me what’s on your mind my smart and beautiful girl. I am here to listen to you. I want to hear your thoughts if you feel safe to share them with me. I will keep your feelings and thoughts safe.” I would offer her a hug that she could refuse without shame. My ears and heart would be open to hear her growing voice and she would exercise the freedom to change her mind about that hug without worry. That girl would’ve grown into a young woman who believed in her dreams. She would’ve turned that young man down. She would’ve valued her voice and choices despite what others thought. Any sign of disrespect would inform her to remove that man from her life. I would teach my younger self that her voice matters. Her no’s have power. Her yes holds weight. Her thoughts and emotions are tools to design the life of her dreams. She would learn how her body works without shame and make informed decisions with that knowledge. Her mistakes may bring tears, but I would wipe them and hold her until she can stand again. I would show her through my example and how I treat her that she is always enough.
It happened. I am different, but I was always enough.
When I hand over the title, Miss Universe Jamaica East, to the next queen, I pray she will continue this marathon of chan...
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March 31, 2024
I woke up at 3:54 a.m.
It felt like an adult field trip. I was too excited to sleep the night before and still excited when I woke up. By 5:30 a.m. we were on our way, five ladies on a trip to be blessed by dance and song.
6:00 A.M.
The service began with an opening hymn to “Oh Worship the King”, directed and choreographed by Marlon D. Simms, artistic director of the National Dance Theatre Company with Dr. Kathy Brown as musical director.
NDTC is always on time, but they gave the audience five minutes to be seated. We were in for a spiritual treat. My favourite pieces were an excerpt of a 2003 Clive Thompson choreography entitled “Of Sympathy and Love” danced by Mark Phinn. Please give Mark more solos. This is the third solo I’ve seen him do and he gets better every time.
My next favourite is “Blood Canticles” (1996) with dancers Marisa Benain, Kerry-Ann Henry, Tamara Noel, Mischka Williams with music accompaniment from NDTC Singers and musicians. It was a tribute to recently passed Dr. Brian Heap who was integral in the company’s and Jamaica’s cultural impact.
I assume that most of my readers are new to NDTC, so let me introduce a few of the dancers that I am familiar with. Kerry-Ann Henry is the principal ballerina for NdTC and a lecturer of Dance at the Edna Manley College of the Visual and Performing Arts.
Marisa Benain is a firecracker woman! She is a lawyer, CEO of Plíe for the Arts and dancer with NDTC. I’m sure she has many other accolades, but I love to see her on stage.
“Luminosity” choreographed by Paul Newman and Amaya Gomes who is also danced this piece, made me want to throw an invisible fancy church hat and say “Yes girl, dance yah gyal! Dance!”
My ultimate favourite from the day was “Creed”. Everyone held their breaths for this piece. This one made me excited for this year’s Season of Dance.
I’ve tried to write about my experience watching the National Dance Theatre Company perform many times. Tears always well up in my eyes during their shows. I get goosebumps too. I can’t help it, my spirit expands beyond what my body can contain and the appropriate response for the space isn’t spontaneous dancing or hooting and whollering from the audience. After watching my first Easter Morning show I can clearly say, that my eyes and heart respond since all my body can do is sit and sway as the pieces lift me to another creative realm.
The synchronisation of choreography, dancer, song, lighting, costume, and stage props for each performance heals my connection to self, Jamaica and my African heritage bit by bit. I wonder if that was the intention behind each decision professor Rex Nettleford had in mind when began his journey with the company? It is refreshing to experience the continuation of that legacy through Marlon Simms’ leadership.
To be honest, from the very first time I had the opportunity to watch an NDTC show in the Little, Little Theatre I’ve dreamt of being on that stage, dancing with them, rehearsing, pushing my body and creativity beyond limitations to make others feel what I feel every time I see dancers who love their craft perform.
8:30 a.m. I sat in my parents’ kitchen in awe. As I recounted the service with birds chirped their morning songs on the powerlines and from the trees. I felt so at peace that adding a spoon of brown sugar to my green tea felt like a blessed ritual.
That’s how the arts move me. Without the arts where would we find respite amidst the chaos life brings? A grievous occasion such as Jesus’s cruxification is now the inspiration for a service of Movement and Music.
The message and healing are there. They’re always available. All we need to do is tap in.
Follow the page on Instagram @ndtcjamaica and
stay hydrated lovelies.
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Aukusti Uotila (Finnish, 1858 - 1886) - Moonlit Landscape
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Say it with me:
Everything I desire is already in my grasp. To welcome abundance into my life, I must fully embrace the belief that achieving my dreams is not just possible, but inevitable.
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“I hope that one day someone will make flowers grow in even the saddest parts of you.”
— vacants
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Just imagine living by the seaside. 🌊⛵ - Portland, Jamaica
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This Black History month I’m reminded of those who came before me. Like many of us, I did an audit of 2023 and felt doubtful about the progress for my five year plan. Then in January I was reminded that I am my ancestors’ wildest dream! The things I accomplished last year and the reality I exist in would bring tears to my fore parents’ eyes. My life would be different if my ancestors lost confidence in themselves. They may have been knocked down, but the fact that I exist means that they got up again. That means I can too.
My confidence needed a boost. After a trying SAD season and with life happening anyway, my confidence dwindled. I met a young lady during this time who asked me for tips on how to be confident. At the time, I felt the intensity of my insecurities and could barely type anything after ‘how to be confident.’ I’ve thought about it since then- what is confidence to me?
Confidence is being true to yourself. It starts within with your mindset, knowledge of self and self-acceptance. Then it extends outward in how you speak, carry yourself and interact with others and the world around you.
Confidence is accepting that you’re a work in progress and masterpiece at the same time. You are whole already and can make adjustments along the way. It’s being okay with who you are and how you do things, but being open to change while holding space for differences without feeling threatened.
I like how Oxford dictionary defines confidence:
the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.
the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
That’s all good and dandy, but how do we do that?
Accept your humanity: we are whole as we are with the ability to grow and change.
Don’t take yourself too seriously. Change is a non-negotiable constant in being alive, so we will make mistakes as we learn new things to grow. Learn to laugh at yourself!
Focus on you and how you’d like to show up instead of how others will receive or perceive you. Own your existence and push through the thoughts that make you question your presence.
Be your own BFF! Learn what you like and dislike, laugh at your own jokes, give yourself pep talks, hug yourself, hold yourself accountable, etc.
Have a healthy support group that will help you see your own light when you find it hard to do.
Confidence means believing in yourself. It means having the guts to try one more time.
What do you think lovelies?
Comment below to let me know if you have any tips to boost your confidence.
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