living-as-if-blog

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zOFAD6e9Bk)

#borninaneggonamountaintop

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pttQaff1Zx4)

#compassion #how to do #compassion focused therapy #paul gilbert

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gm_PEFYgnus)

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(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgqo7jaZNmE)

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The Pointer Sisters - Dare Me

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Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy: Inferno

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Narf, gotta love Ellen, unless you don't want to because you don't and nobody will mind

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Awesome Brad at Virtual dreamer: Haunting Storm Sound - 8 Hour Long Rain and Storm for Sleep

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=gif via gameraboy:

Alice in Wonderland (1951) #bpd #wtf #whatmyheadislike 

As all the pieces of myself and my life are hitting the ground I strangely have the desire to blog as well as journal. I do not trust any impulses but will do this. I haven't read a 'I had BPD, did years of intensive therapy, no longer met the criteria, felt a lot better, had a rich and fulfilling life and managed my symptoms. Then it all went horribly wrong and I moved somewhere else and after 7 months of asking and being assessed for help some other people thought I should go into the therapeutic process'. #aaaagghhh And crazily, that I shouldn't have been put on and left on addictive medications, and that I'm very distressed. They have some help that would exactly help my needs and could help my physical health problems. Oh and some daily help for now as needed and some extra support until the group therapy starts. 

Theoretically, I should be jumping up and down with joy, as I'd been asking for more help for about the last 3 years, but rather than validated - I think I must have gone into some weird headspace after being repeatedly told 'there is no more possible help you could have' and that I was making a fuss about daily valium and zopiclone and everyone would be happy with me using more. And I'm not that distressed. I will always think of them as my somatic zombie hell years, until I'm more well adjusted, I'm sure >.<

So now I do feel very much. When overwhelmed by daily chronic migraine symptoms at the beginning of the year, I stopped doing anything in life that stirred up uncomfortable feelings (yes very borderline, no I didn't notice, I just didn't know what else to do) so I could focus on mindfulness, tai chi, healthy eating, routine, sleep, supplements - all my migraine clinic recommended stuff. I only get four days of painkillers. I started a migraine med which made me drowsy at night. My GP wanted me off valium and zopi - I looked ok, and despite me banging on about being in a tertiary service before, she didn't want to refer me to any services until I saw her while presenting as distressed. So I stopped those meds and seemed to be handling it. As I didn't seem to be distressed, I self referred to a well=being team. Where I'd 'stopped doing life' to get my health on track, I was doing much better, but I couldn't get back into doing anything that stirred up extra feelings. As soon as I started the referral process and having to go through childhood abuse and trauma, I just disintegrated.

I was genuinely baffled, I'd done 'the family' stuff during therapy, it was like I'd never worked through it. I started splitting and dissociating and generally being like 'what the f*** is going on". So I'm baffled. I'm also going, what's that? Argh, that's anxiety, haven't felt that full force for a gazillion years. 

So this is turning into the weirdest christmas time I've experienced. With several triggering stressors, I'm hand making a 'day at a time' yule tide. I'm using Susan Rose Blauner's 'Crisis Plan #1' out of 'http://www.amazon.co.uk/Stayed-Alive-When-Brain-Trying/dp/0060936215' . I love her book - it could be triggering to some with suicide discussion. She recovered from borderline personality disorder after 11 years in therapy, which makes me a mere beginner. (I love everybody's borderline recovery books, I do think 'Debbie said this or Kiera said that' and it gives me hope or helps me to let go of the intense shame and embarrassment that I'm experiencing with the re-emergence of the diagnosis and treatment. Everyone in media or social media space helps to make a psychological space for me, thank you to all of you, very very much.)

I've made daily structure and plans with today's jolly nice emergency duty worker. She has challenged me to make a whole blanket out of knitted squares. It was bizarrely quite fun making a plan, due to a starting point of disposing of an pretence of being normal.It is hard waiting for any actual therapy stuff in February - though I've waited years, seeing a finishing line is a wobbly out experience for me. It's very hard accepting my horrendously avoidant behaviour - though it's more understandable as I may be miserable but it seems to stop the sort of disintegration of self and all goo/all bad splitting that occurred from risking getting help.

John Lennon said 'Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans'. But Reader's Digest said it before him. So who knows what next. I'll do me mindfulness, me knitting, me journalling. My DBT soothing stuff, coping thoughts, activities and pleasant events. I'm a bit baffled that this will be the first time that looking after my inner world is centre stage at xmas. Or ever. If I've spent my time thinking 'my life would be great if only I could get this pesky me out of the way' then I could see how that might not have been working.

If you are struggling as well, remember Befrienders WorldWide http://www.befrienders.org/   - country by country support, by volunteers:

Providing emotional support to prevent suicide worldwide. We listen to and help people without judging them.

#long reads #bpd problems #xmas #emotions

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(via Home page | Good Gifts)

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Mindfulness-based interventions for depression have been shown to be highly effective, yet they are still only available to a small proportion of those in need. You can help by funding a clear plan to spread and develop the benefits of our existing and future research. (via Oxford Mindfulness)

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Still loving the ITV 3 paper cutouts in belljars idents

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Downloads of schema mindfulness exercises (schema MBCT), imagery exercises (MP-3 downloads) and other therapy related material. At the present all downloads are published in Dutch, but will be published in English as well. If you have any interest in Englisch schema mindfulness exercises please let me know and I will speed up the production of it.

Downloads

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YANSS Podcast 030 – How practice changes the brain and exceptions to the 10,000 hour rule with David Epstein

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8-Week MBCT Course in central St Albans. Thursday evenings from 7.30 to 9.30p.m. Small, supportive group with maximum of 10 participants.

Course | Be Mindful