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I screwed up and now have to apologize/make it right. Now what?

Okay, first of all, take a breath. When we mess up, it can be really hard on us and send us into a guilt spiral. Take a moment and remind yourself that you are human and humans make mistakes. Remind yourself that you are not a bad person. If you are having urges, please check out my post on urge surfing. If you are feeling in crisis, a skill like TIPP may help ground you.

If you are in the middle of a situation with someone, it's still okay to walk away. “I need to take some space to get control of my thoughts. I’m not trying to avoid this or walk away but I want to have a clear head.”

When you're feeling more calm, move on to the next step.

Apologizing

Apologies can be really hard. We're often told not to "ruin an apology" with excuses, but it can be so much more complicated than that. One of the first things I keep in mind about apologies is that explanations and excuses are not the same thing. Here is an example post I wrote of a personal situation where you can see an "explanation" apology instead of an "excuse" one.

It's not okay to say "I'm sorry I screamed at you and insulted you but I wouldn't have if you hadn't done -insert reason here-." This is not a real apology, and it puts the blame on the other person for being screamed at or upset they were screamed at. It's valid to talk about your feelings that led to the situation, but they shouldn't be conveyed in your apology like that.

What you could say is "I'm sorry I screamed at you and insulted you." But you could also say "I'm sorry I screamed at you and insulted you. I was feeling frustrated but it wasn't right to scream at you and insult you." While a lot of people say the first one is "right", I do think the second one is also okay because sometimes an explanation can make it easier to apologize, or sometimes open the door for a bigger conversation (if the other person is in a headspace for it) or can be crucial to not disregarding your own feelings (which are valid, even if the way you responded to them wasn't.)

A lot of this depends on the relationship itself as well. The latter one works for my partner and me, as seen in the example post I shared above. It doesn't mean it will work with everyone, in fact, it could make some people feel dismissed or invalidated. It's good to communicate when you're both calm about what some of the best ways to navigate situations like apologies are.

Some other things to remember about apologies are while a lot of people say that it's okay to express how badly you feel, there is a fine line. Sometimes, even though we do genuinely feel torn up about something we've said/done, it's not good to convey that in a way that can lead to the other person needing to comfort us or feeling they need to put their feelings aside for our well-being. Saying things like "I'm sorry I screamed at you and insulted you. I feel really bad that I did that because you didn't deserve it" are okay. But saying something like "I'm sorry I screamed at you. I feel so bad. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to handle this because I feel so guilty. I'm a terrible person and don't deserve your forgiveness" isn't really okay.

The feelings can be really overwhelming, and I get that and see how those guilt spiral apologies can happen but they end up pushing the other person to accept your apology even if they're not ready just to make sure you're okay.

After the apology

Okay, you've apologized. Now what? Well, it largely depends on what the other person is feeling. If they want some space to think, calm down or just breathe, then you should give them that. (Please note that there is a difference between someone needing space to process vs someone wanting space to avoid accountability for their part in things.)

Phrases like “It’s not fair of me to say what I said/do what I did and expect things to just be fine. I’m here when you want to discuss this further.” might be helpful

The other person is not obligated to accept your apology or offer forgiveness, but please note that this doesn't mean you should continue to beat yourself up.

When the other person is ready to talk to you, it's your turn to listen and hear them out (as long as they are talking to you in a calm manner. Regardless of what you did, they still shouldn't be attacking you.). Even if you don't agree with what they're saying, hear them out. Let them talk about their feelings. Sticking with our example, maybe they felt afraid when you screamed at them. Allow them the space to talk about that.

When they're done talking, now is the time where it might be time to communicate about things as a whole on how you can both do better in the future.

Maybe you screamed at them because they ate your food out of the fridge without asking, again. While your feelings are valid, you can still apologize for the hurtful things you said (like the insults in our example) but still communicate about the larger issue. In a case like this, using the DEAR MAN method might be helpful.

If this is a situation where you recognize you are completely at fault like say for example, you took out a bad mood/day on them, then this might be the point where you talk about working on things to do better. This might include talking about some coping skills you plan to use in the future, or even talking to them about ways they could support you if they're able to.

While you can't promise to never do it again, making an effort and plan to change and do better can speak volumes to the other person.

At the end of the day, remember it’s okay to make mistakes. You aren’t a bad person for them. Please don’t continue to beat yourself up.

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Grief is a cruel kind of education. You learn how ungentle mourning can be, how full of anger. You learn how glib condolences can feel. You learn how much grief is about language, the failure of language and the grasping for language.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, from Notes on Grief

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In the grand scheme of the universe, he was only a tiny star…

But to me, he was the center of my universe. 

It’s been one year since my bunny Miko passed away. Grief has never left me, but I think I learned to live with it. And just like I made loving him a part of my own person, I turned this grief into a continuation of the love he gave me. 

Sleep well my little sun. 

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Shop , Patreon , Books and Cards , Mailing List

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"Hey there, I know the way!"

In trial and error, and aswell talking to other people about their views, I came to the conclusion, that even if you "went through similar things" or "been there before" you can still not be able to fathom how the other person feels or predict how they will act. And even if you have good intentions, your advice, your approach or demands or help, might do the opposite of what you want to accomplish for others.

You might turn out to be unhelpful or toxic when you don't step back and reflect on how your views, might they be as similiar as possible or even the same, could damage a relationship, friendship, working relationship or just a person you think you need to help or asks you for help.

And if you went through something horrible and you are feeling better now, you cannot make others feel better by telling them your story alone. Sometimes listening is better than telling. But if you want to tell your story, do it sensible, do it without taking the room. Write a book or a blog post. Share your thoughts for the people that want to hear or read them on their own terms. And if you cannot respect these boundaries, then you might need to rethink your intentions or your state of mind, did you really make it through and are able to help others now, to do the same? Or do you might still need to reflect and work through it?

Because you cannot know the way. Only explore your own and share in others or with other people's ways.

#Help #mental health

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Stop being sorry, it's normal...

... there are bad days and good days. For now it's just a bunch of bad days. Happens.

You are breathing. This is all that counts for now.

#mental state #mentalhealth #bad days

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Tuesday tips:

Have any mental health tips, tricks, or hacks?

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It's my 2 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Oh well, most of the time I didn't even post anything hhaha

#2 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone

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i needed to read this

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Humanity

The species that was so scared of the world and death, it tamed the world to be not scared anymore, but despite all efforts, continued to be scared.

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do not let your self-doubt stop you. speak up in meetings, introduce yourself to strangers, send emails out of nowhere, ask for people’s number, invite someone to a cup of coffee, apply to jobs you’re under-qualified for. push yourself, bit by bit and day by day. slowly, your limit will extend, and the possibilities available to you will grow with it. you deserve this. do not let your mind tell you otherwise.

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Quote by Déjà Rae