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Wherever you are, and whatever you do, be in love. Rumi

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~☆not me or mine ☆~

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Reblog this if you slept with my ex-wife Susan.

Trying to prove a point to my divorce lawyer.

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insta: https://instagram.com/ayguldavlletova?utm_medium=copy_link

this is a list of the accounts I go to to get thinspo

feel free to give suggestions in the comments!

tiktok

@im_rylee

@barbaraguraj

insta

@kafelnikova_a

literally all Korean clothing stores accounts

some “friends” I stalk

note: to be expanded, obv

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when a friend of a friend of a friend becomes your main source of thinspo on instagram 💀💕

#eating disoder things #thinspo #ed

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lol,,,

my roommate is hot asf, it makes me uncomfortable all the time

it’s so so so stressful

idk what at to do

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lots of beer tonight

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Goal weight? Or what is it?

I sometimes ask myself, how could I qualify my behaviour at the moment. Am I relapsing? Am I just losing weight? What is going on?

And, to be honest, I can’t particularly answer those questions.

On one hand, I’m seeking a BMI of 18.5 because it is a comforting stat. Not because I think I’m fat - I like my body at the moment. Being on the verge of underweight is like a dream for me. Every reflection I would see of myself would just give me a confidence boost. I won’t feel shame because of my thighs and would go on with my day happier. If other things go wrong with my life, I can calm myself down knowing that I’m pretty and thin, and it just makes me feel better about myself. Once again, the idea of control is very charming to me. 

On the other hand, I do not have intrusive, obsessive thoughts. I don’t have the anorexia voice or anything. When I eat, I do not feel guilt. I am happy, I can focus on my personal projects, and the bigger thing getting in my way is drug use. 

Yes, I did use a lot of DXM in the past month. It’s a dissociative found in cough medicine. I usually get those Robitussin pills from the drug store and take all of them for a trip. It feels good, I’m very relaxed and creative under the influence. 300 mg of DXM works wonders for me, yet it is getting quite expensive over time and I won’t be against stopping,

However, comes the question of, does DXM make my behaviour less obsessive? How would my behaviour change if I stopped taking DXM? Is my weight and appetite influenced by drug use? These are the questions that make me scared of quitting DXM. What if I quit and gain weight? 

Obviously, the fear of weight gain isn’t a good sign. I do not love myself at any size - I love myself thin only. However, I know when to stop. I do not have extremely unhealthy goals. 

Anyways, this is something to figure out for me. It is important because I need to know if this behaviour can be maintained (because I really wish it could!), if it just easy right now because I got my medicine, if it will stop being easy without DXM. I’m hoping I just grew and can look at things in a less black and white way. Not go into serious restriction like I did in June - I did that due to stress.

Stress = intense ED behaviour = breaking down, being sad = not good

Stopping the ramble,

thanks for reading if u did lol

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01/08/21: x / 33 / 23.75 / 35 / 20.25 / 13

-x / 0 / 0 / -0.5 / -0.25 / -0.25

weight: 57.1 kgs / 125.6 lbs

bmi: 19.1

I've been pretty much eating at maintenance, perhaps a little less, for the past month.

I wasn't working out. I got a kidney infection mid-july which was extremely painful. Plus, I still got cramps from my IUD. All of this is gone now though, so I'm gonna get back on track with sport!

I wasn't restricting any food groups in particular. I ate pretty much whatever I wanted just in lesser quantities. I didn't count calories meticulously and just approximated. I would say I was eating 1000-1800 calories a day for the past month. My lifestyle- mostly sedentary, but there were days where I walked a lot and when work was quite exhausting.

Overall, I'm happy with my body right now. Clothing looks good, I accentuate my waist a lot and feel confident. The only part I'm a bit self-conscious about is, of course, my thighs. And also, my skin texture and stuff. It might be because of vaping that I'm getting these pimples on my chest and butt, and I have a bad habit of picking at the skin on my calves, and it can't heal! So I have these red dots on my legs (not keratin plugs though, just scarring). I think I have bad circulation in my legs - I always did since I'm quite tall. I read online that stretches, massages, and no nicotine might help with that. As for my face, it is pretty clear, but I did get some pimples here and there which left some hyperpigmentation.

So, for this month and onwards, I'm going to:

• workout & stretch (gonna come up with a schedule or smth)

• take care of my skin better and not forget to drink water

• have a better sleep schedule so that I'm ready for school!!!

• vape less, drink less (although I'm 18 now so that might be hard lol)

• and practice guitar every day

Why do i weigh 128 this morning

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all of the above? 🥴

How to tell it’s getting bad again

Physical pains (sore jaw, old injuries acting up)

tired tired tired tired

Can’t think/can’t stop thinking

Sleeping too much/not enough

Early waking

Can’t make eye contact

Picking or scratching at skin, nails, hair, etc

Forgetful

Sex repulsed or sex obsessed

Lonely in crowds

Unjustified assumptions (my friends all hate me)

Too much/too little food

Everything tastes bland?

Headcolds/the flu out of nowhere

Distancing yourself

Spending too much time in bed

Not showering/brushing teeth/brushing hair/taking care of your body

Not able to do laundry

Not turning in assignments

Forgetting about assignments

Zoning out

Defensive

Overly emotional/painfully numb

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mom told me I look really thin today. I'm grieving so I wore like the same all black outfit 3 days straight. the shades of black all match too, it's perfect.

bruh idk that's why I'm saying fuck the scales. I can literally weigh 2 kgs apart and look already noticeably thinner. perks of being tall? I'm not extremely tall thooo. or perhaps it's my super long arms that make me weigh more...

anyways, log cuz why not:

bf: cheesecake bar mm (120), coffee w milk (20), caramel (20), strawberries (10) = 170

lunch: corn on the cob w butter (200 ig), some chicken (100), tomato (20), croissant w nutella AHHAH sue me (300) = 620

snacc: nuts during the day = 250

dinner: mini wheats w almond milk = 200 idk

total: bout 1400

x: -200

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STATS UPDATE 23/06/21

msrmnts (bicep-bust-waist-hips-thigh-calf)

initial (june 6th): 11 / 33.5 / 25 / 37 / 21.5 / 13.5 

current (june 23rd): x / 33 / 23.75 / 35.5 / 20.5 / 13.25

-x / -0.5 / -1.25 / -1.5 / -1 / -0.25

starter weight: ? lbs (approx 59kgs)

current weight: 127 lbs (57.6 kgs)

body check (might delete later idk): i deleted it lol

losing slowly, but still losing. I'm eating at 1400 cals per day rn.

Why do i weigh 128 this morning

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Lol it was water weight, actual weigh in tmw pls reblog this future me lol

Why do i weigh 128 this morning

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hi I'm back.

so I decided to break up with my boyfriend. there's a lot of reasons, but the breaking point was the camping.

I know that I was also toxic in the relationship. I cheated on him with my high school sweetheart I haven't seen for 5 years, my justification being that he was still infatuated with his ex and that I hate his family and upbringing. it's a very long and difficult story but I know that what I did was wrong and that I have to be held accountable.

I asked him yesterday if he loves me more than he loved her. he told me yes because he wouldn't have forgiven her if she had done the same things I did. I don't know, the fact that he brought up my mistakes when talking about his love for me just really bummed me out. also, I expected him to say that I'm better than her in some way, that's why he loves me more. but whatever, he didn't. I can't believe we stayed together for almost a year. I feel like I've lost so much.

the camping was a complete disaster. his ex was constantly acting fake around me. way too enthusiastic. way too friendly. her fakeness suffocated me, but hey at least I was thinner than her, thank god (her hips were like more than 1 meter in circumference, no joke). every time I stood up to get something she would instantly go speak to him. enthusiastic, friendly, fake. it was a disgusting sight and I couldn't believe he could date such an unpleasant person. it's like I don't know him. it's fucking weird bro. we left early, didn't even stay 24 hours. I faked that my mirena was causing me horrible pain. the truth would've just made him say to me to suck it up, "stop being sad and just relax". explain how.

I am so unhappy with him but I've become used to it. there has been red flags since the start of the relationship. but I ignored them because his basic traits were already so much better than my ex's. and my parents loved him and didn't have a language barrier with him. the moment he set foot in my house, he was already family.

I wasn't though.

I had to do so much to fit in with his parents.

I had to be maternal, intelligent, quiet, a suck-ass. I had to constantly approve what they were saying. their opinions - so wrong, so close-minded, it's like we were still stuck in Russia in the 50s. and since I wasn't born in Russia and don't speak the language as well as them, I was already a lot more inferior. 20 feet underneath. I didn't matter. they don't possess an inch of empathy. their house smells of rotten sadness and baby puke.

he tried to kill himself when his ex broke up with him. it is wrong to say that I'm jealous that he wouldn't do the same for me. hell, I would've done it if I stayed with him. that makes me feel better.

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Early mornings, green smoothies, healthy coping mechanisms, getting anything I want with ease, amazing people, luxurious places and opportunities

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Why do i weigh 128 this morning

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I cried to sleep yesterday bc I'm really stressed about the camping where all the skinny girls will be 😭

I'm feeling a little better today. I had work but felt very dizzy because I took allergy pills. So I ate at my max allowance and took a walk. I don't feel so bad since I'm still at a deficit. It's better to lose slowly than not to lose at all 🤷🏻‍♀️